WEBVTT - #51 The Bugaboos 0:00:00.520 --> 0:00:04.480 Hell I Suck At Dating with Dean, Vanessa and Jared 0:00:04.800 --> 0:00:10.399 and I Heart Radio podcast. Hello everyone, thank you so 0:00:10.480 --> 0:00:12.879 much for joining us on another episode of Help I 0:00:12.920 --> 0:00:16.160 Suck at Dating. As always, I'm Dean Unglert, joined in 0:00:16.239 --> 0:00:24.439 studio by Jared Hayban. Hello Eastern Allen Tory morality. Tory 0:00:24.480 --> 0:00:27.000 doesn't need a last name. She's like Oprah. Very special 0:00:27.280 --> 0:00:29.440 episode for everyone today. I know I said that every week, 0:00:29.440 --> 0:00:32.080 but this week I really really mean it because first 0:00:32.120 --> 0:00:36.600 and foremost we have our very own, very uh wonderful 0:00:36.640 --> 0:00:40.000 person in the world, the Vanessa Grimaldi back from Bali, Indonesia. 0:00:41.520 --> 0:00:48.960 What's up, Vanessa? Yeah, Vanessa. In addition to having Vanessa 0:00:49.000 --> 0:00:50.760 back on the podcast, we miss you so much. By 0:00:50.800 --> 0:00:54.120 the way, we're gonna have uh two matchmaking professionals Cal 0:00:54.240 --> 0:00:57.480 Roberson for married at First Sight in Eileen Fisher from Matchmaker, 0:00:57.920 --> 0:01:01.080 who's just a professional matchmaker over New York. Um. But 0:01:01.200 --> 0:01:03.400 first and foremost, van that's a phillis in on everything 0:01:03.400 --> 0:01:04.920 that we've missed from you for over the past couple 0:01:04.959 --> 0:01:11.039 of weeks. I literally disglanded from New York Kitty um, 0:01:11.080 --> 0:01:13.920 and I wasn't folly for about six things of Taylor. 0:01:14.160 --> 0:01:17.800 So about like ten days of Taylor from my season. Um, 0:01:17.880 --> 0:01:20.080 I was vegan the two weeks that I was there. 0:01:20.600 --> 0:01:23.720 Are you a vegan? How the hell was that? Um? 0:01:24.360 --> 0:01:27.600 I honestly felt like I had so much more energy 0:01:27.640 --> 0:01:29.440 and I was more alerted. I was. I was like 0:01:29.520 --> 0:01:33.560 less tired during the day. So are you vegan? Now? No? 0:01:33.800 --> 0:01:37.200 I just had a chicken cutlets stand? No, you don't 0:01:37.200 --> 0:01:40.240 have any Gassie rang while you were out there? I did? Yeah, yeah, 0:01:40.240 --> 0:01:44.560 I did. Is baked in chicken grease, isn't it? Oh? No, Well, 0:01:44.600 --> 0:01:47.840 I mean I went kick semi vegan, I guess. But anyway, 0:01:48.120 --> 0:01:50.320 my trip to Bolli was amazing. It's something that I 0:01:50.360 --> 0:01:52.920 feel like a lot of people should experience. UM. It 0:01:53.040 --> 0:01:56.400 was just like nice to be around like nature and 0:01:56.520 --> 0:02:01.440 really good food and just kind of disconnect from social media, um, 0:02:01.440 --> 0:02:03.040 to learn how to be present. So I had a 0:02:03.040 --> 0:02:04.920 great time. But I'm glad to be back on the podcast. 0:02:04.920 --> 0:02:07.240 I feel like so much to update you guys. I 0:02:07.280 --> 0:02:08.920 feel like you have a lot of to update on 0:02:09.000 --> 0:02:11.160 us too. I was watching your Instagram story and you 0:02:11.200 --> 0:02:13.200 did one of those questions and answers, and somebody asked 0:02:13.240 --> 0:02:15.760 you about if you had your eye on somebody and 0:02:15.800 --> 0:02:18.679 you gave like a little maybe and a wink. What 0:02:18.720 --> 0:02:22.280 does that mean? I mean that means maybe. That means 0:02:22.360 --> 0:02:27.600 maybe I like someone. Maybe she's so the last thing 0:02:27.639 --> 0:02:29.799 that I want to do is mentioned how I might 0:02:29.800 --> 0:02:32.400 be dating someone and then have to talk about how 0:02:32.440 --> 0:02:35.680 I'm not dating them. Here first, the exclusive, Vanessa Grimaldi 0:02:35.880 --> 0:02:41.040 is in a relationship. Well, let's all right, Well maybe 0:02:41.080 --> 0:02:43.239 you are dating someone maybe or not. Well we'll find out. 0:02:43.320 --> 0:02:45.680 Maybe Cal can give us a little more insight about 0:02:45.720 --> 0:02:48.760 your dating relationships. So we have Calvin Robertson on the 0:02:48.760 --> 0:02:51.320 line right now. He's a relationship expert on the hit 0:02:51.400 --> 0:02:53.680 series you guys all know it, Married at First Sight, 0:02:53.760 --> 0:02:56.440 which airs on Lifetime TV. Hey Cal, you're on the 0:02:56.440 --> 0:02:58.839 line here with Dean Jared Vanessa from Help I Suck 0:02:58.880 --> 0:03:03.000 at Dating? How are you? I am fantastic. How are 0:03:03.000 --> 0:03:04.960 you guys? We're doing very well. Thank you so much 0:03:04.960 --> 0:03:06.880 for joining us today. So Cal tell us a little 0:03:06.880 --> 0:03:09.480 bit about yourself. We know you from Married at First Sight, 0:03:09.560 --> 0:03:11.959 but your relationship expert, how did you even get into 0:03:12.000 --> 0:03:17.440 this field? Uh? Wow, Well I've been um, I've been 0:03:17.440 --> 0:03:23.400 counseling couples. Actually, I started, um about twenty years ago, 0:03:23.560 --> 0:03:26.720 and I've been counseling couples of pre marital and marital 0:03:26.960 --> 0:03:31.360 So I started a marriage counselor as a pastoral marriage 0:03:31.360 --> 0:03:35.440 counselor for a number of years. Um. My graduate degree 0:03:35.560 --> 0:03:40.560 was in uh uh religious counseling, uh matchless divinity with 0:03:40.560 --> 0:03:44.280 an emphasis and that. And so I've been counseling couples 0:03:44.320 --> 0:03:49.120 pre marital, then marital, then pre divorce actually and even 0:03:49.120 --> 0:03:52.320 post divorce. So I've been counseling couples for quite a while. 0:03:52.760 --> 0:03:57.120 And then um, I got into uh doing it for 0:03:57.200 --> 0:04:00.640 the show. They actually contacted me and help them find 0:04:00.680 --> 0:04:03.920 a couple for one of their shows, and and the 0:04:03.960 --> 0:04:07.760 rest is history. Actually, so you're on Married at First Sight. 0:04:07.880 --> 0:04:09.920 So how do you think that getting married for the 0:04:09.920 --> 0:04:12.040 first time you see somebody really works? Now, you guys 0:04:12.040 --> 0:04:13.880 have a very successful rate. I think you guys sell 0:04:13.920 --> 0:04:19.640 have eighteen couples that are still together today. Well you know, well, 0:04:19.760 --> 0:04:22.440 not not a wish that that we had eighteen, No, 0:04:22.640 --> 0:04:25.520 not quite. Now we've matched probably about twenty couples. I 0:04:25.520 --> 0:04:29.200 think about sixty of the couples that we match. At 0:04:29.200 --> 0:04:31.880 the end of the experiment, they decided to stay together 0:04:31.920 --> 0:04:36.280 about six too. And of that six, we have probably 0:04:36.320 --> 0:04:39.040 maybe about half of those, maybe a little less than 0:04:39.040 --> 0:04:43.719 that actually who are still together today. So, um, you know, 0:04:43.800 --> 0:04:45.719 I think that's pretty good. That's not that's not bad 0:04:45.720 --> 0:04:48.159 at all. But getting married at first sight it's a 0:04:48.200 --> 0:04:50.440 little different than what you would think because it's not 0:04:50.480 --> 0:04:53.440 just a matter of finding two strangers and throwing them 0:04:53.440 --> 0:04:56.000 into uh into a wedding and say, hey, this is 0:04:56.000 --> 0:04:58.440 your new husband and your new wife. We actually do 0:04:58.520 --> 0:05:01.839 a lot of betting. I mean, we do background checks, 0:05:01.880 --> 0:05:06.720 we do um psychologically evaluations. We we even do a 0:05:07.279 --> 0:05:10.320 soft credit evaluation. I mean we ask questions and in 0:05:10.400 --> 0:05:12.800 the absent in front of psychologists. It's about a two 0:05:12.800 --> 0:05:15.479 month process before they even get to the point of 0:05:15.560 --> 0:05:19.279 being married. And so, what kind of process it is 0:05:19.320 --> 0:05:22.400 it to match up to people? Like, so you met 0:05:22.440 --> 0:05:24.680 the person, you know everything about them. Do you match 0:05:24.720 --> 0:05:28.960 two people up by their interests, by their future plans? Uh? 0:05:29.040 --> 0:05:31.960 Kind of what goes into the process of that? Yes, 0:05:32.120 --> 0:05:37.200 all that. So we messed people up based on their compatibilities, 0:05:37.200 --> 0:05:40.680 but also based on their compatible differences. So we look 0:05:40.720 --> 0:05:42.840 at their their their values, I mean, what are their 0:05:42.920 --> 0:05:45.840 values and what are their core values actually, and that 0:05:46.000 --> 0:05:48.320 those irreplaceable things that you live your life out with, 0:05:48.440 --> 0:05:51.960 whether it's family or or love or spirituality or what 0:05:52.000 --> 0:05:54.160 have you, what's most important to you. So we find 0:05:54.200 --> 0:05:57.680 compatibilities in those areas and then we find people. For instance, 0:05:57.680 --> 0:06:00.000 someone who is an introvert might be looking for someone 0:06:00.000 --> 0:06:03.720 who's a little more extroverted. So those are like compatible differences. 0:06:03.720 --> 0:06:05.880 So it's it's a lot to go through. I mean, 0:06:05.920 --> 0:06:10.279 we basically have them to answer roughly about five questions 0:06:10.960 --> 0:06:15.400 a questionnaire, roughly about five uh short of that, and 0:06:15.480 --> 0:06:18.640 we find out all this information that we do comparative analysis, 0:06:18.720 --> 0:06:21.920 and it's just so much. And so we look at 0:06:21.960 --> 0:06:25.919 all of the qualities. Are their families compatible? Uh, this person, 0:06:26.040 --> 0:06:27.840 this is a family person. We don't want someone who 0:06:27.839 --> 0:06:30.680 doesn't want children. This person doesn't want smoke. It doesn't 0:06:30.680 --> 0:06:33.240 like a smoker. We find someone else who doesn't want 0:06:33.240 --> 0:06:36.080 to smoke. Two people smoke weed together. We find people 0:06:36.080 --> 0:06:40.280 who want to smoke and whatever. But it's compatibility. Uh, 0:06:40.320 --> 0:06:44.000 there's there's a lot to go in to finding compatible partners. Well, 0:06:44.040 --> 0:06:46.320 Kell and you kind of grabbed headlines with the whole 0:06:46.360 --> 0:06:48.720 mea in Tristan situation not too long ago, right, And 0:06:49.160 --> 0:06:51.320 I understand a lot of a lot of the work 0:06:51.360 --> 0:06:55.080 goes into questioning their backgrounds, but sometimes it's obviously not 0:06:55.120 --> 0:06:57.479 going to be quite as effective, which in Meda's case, 0:06:57.480 --> 0:07:02.960 it sounds like she wasn't truthful throughout the entire process. Uh. Yeah, 0:07:03.040 --> 0:07:05.159 you know, And this is one of those anomalies that 0:07:05.279 --> 0:07:08.080 we we don't. Oh god, we hate this kind of 0:07:08.120 --> 0:07:12.120 stuff because it was an unpleasant surprise. And as much 0:07:12.160 --> 0:07:13.840 as people will think, well, you know what we did 0:07:13.840 --> 0:07:15.880 that for the show was this is all about drama, 0:07:16.200 --> 0:07:21.640 it really is not. It's so weird that when we 0:07:21.680 --> 0:07:25.600 did me as background check, it was spotless, it was 0:07:25.760 --> 0:07:30.240 absolutely clean, and then a warrant was served roughly days 0:07:30.440 --> 0:07:33.680 I mean literally days after we did the background check. 0:07:34.000 --> 0:07:37.080 Then it showed up. Uh, we had no idea because 0:07:37.120 --> 0:07:38.520 there's no way in the world we could be in 0:07:38.560 --> 0:07:40.840 Cahos with the t s A, you know, to get 0:07:40.840 --> 0:07:44.720 further rough you know, kicked off a plane. So it 0:07:44.800 --> 0:07:48.480 was it's it was pretty it was a pretty ugly situation. 0:07:48.560 --> 0:07:51.400 But we we we uh we uh you know, have 0:07:51.520 --> 0:07:54.960 been there for them and and it just um, you've 0:07:54.960 --> 0:07:56.760 been trying to support them through this, and I think 0:07:56.760 --> 0:07:58.360 from what I read to you were able to fly 0:07:58.480 --> 0:07:59.840 to meet them face to face to kind of have 0:08:00.040 --> 0:08:02.800 whole session with them and kind of talk them through that. 0:08:02.880 --> 0:08:06.640 So absolutely, how is this? How is the relationship now? 0:08:06.680 --> 0:08:10.160 Me're interested and they're doing well? They are they well, 0:08:10.200 --> 0:08:12.560 they were still in the middle of the who was 0:08:12.600 --> 0:08:15.400 still coming to the end of the of the season, 0:08:15.480 --> 0:08:19.960 so I can't say too much, but they are working 0:08:20.120 --> 0:08:22.880 at it, you know, at this point in the season, 0:08:22.920 --> 0:08:25.800 they're working at it and they're trying to overcome their difficulties, 0:08:25.840 --> 0:08:28.960 which is very very Uh it's it's a lot for 0:08:29.040 --> 0:08:31.760 him because we weren't we weren't expecting that for him. 0:08:31.800 --> 0:08:33.320 I mean, you just marry a bride and you find 0:08:33.320 --> 0:08:39.439 out that she was arrested. Um, I mean, yeah, that's 0:08:39.480 --> 0:08:41.240 that's pretty that's pretty tough stuff to deal with. But 0:08:41.360 --> 0:08:45.760 he's you know, he's going through some un undue criticism, 0:08:46.120 --> 0:08:48.360 but you know, for it also, But from from what 0:08:48.360 --> 0:08:50.040 I've gathered, he seems to be standing by here, which 0:08:50.040 --> 0:08:51.440 is obviously what you want to see in a husband 0:08:51.480 --> 0:08:54.840 or partner, whoever it may be. And from my perspective, 0:08:54.880 --> 0:08:56.679 for someone that's had a few run ins with the 0:08:56.720 --> 0:09:00.160 law himself. I can understand the kind of the the 0:09:00.200 --> 0:09:04.760 difficulty in communicating that to your partner um, but obviously 0:09:04.800 --> 0:09:06.360 it's super important. So I have a question for you 0:09:06.400 --> 0:09:09.040 as well, because you had mentioned before you had gotten 0:09:09.080 --> 0:09:10.880 involved with the whole marriad at first sight show. You 0:09:10.920 --> 0:09:13.559 are a pastoral religious marriage counselor. How do you think 0:09:13.600 --> 0:09:17.200 that influences and affects your ability to to counsel and 0:09:17.800 --> 0:09:22.559 work with people directly? Now? Uh, quite actually it's it's 0:09:22.600 --> 0:09:25.400 it's been very beneficial. I am one thing that I 0:09:25.440 --> 0:09:27.959 do unlike a lot of mean, I can't speak for 0:09:28.000 --> 0:09:30.080 all pastors who who have done any of this, but 0:09:30.720 --> 0:09:33.280 one thing that I've always done is I look at 0:09:33.360 --> 0:09:37.240 people based on, you know, what their personal belief systems are. 0:09:38.120 --> 0:09:40.520 I'll mess people who are if you come to me 0:09:40.559 --> 0:09:42.199 and say, okay, I'm an atheist, I'm looking for someone 0:09:42.200 --> 0:09:44.640 else who's an atheist, which seems like wow, but you're 0:09:44.640 --> 0:09:46.719 a pastor. How can you imagine atheists? Because it's I mean, 0:09:46.760 --> 0:09:50.120 that's their business, that's between them and and and you know, 0:09:50.160 --> 0:09:53.040 and their own conscience. So I believe the one thing 0:09:53.080 --> 0:09:55.079 that has happened he is it's helped me to sort 0:09:55.080 --> 0:09:58.200 of look at people for who they are, and everybody's 0:09:58.240 --> 0:10:00.960 on a different journey. Everyone. You know, I had different 0:10:00.960 --> 0:10:03.600 belief systems. So what I do is I just find 0:10:03.600 --> 0:10:08.320 out all your belief systems compatible. I've studied different beliefs, 0:10:08.440 --> 0:10:11.360 and my studied atheist and my studied Buddhism. I've studied yeah, 0:10:11.360 --> 0:10:13.840 I mean, you name it. It's as a part of 0:10:13.840 --> 0:10:16.200 my educational pursuits. You know, I've studied a lot of 0:10:16.240 --> 0:10:19.480 different religions and I find value in all of them. 0:10:20.360 --> 0:10:24.080 So it's it's it's really helped me to see people 0:10:24.160 --> 0:10:27.040 for who they are, to understand that at our very root, 0:10:27.520 --> 0:10:31.319 everybody wants love. Everybody wants to be loved, and everybody 0:10:31.360 --> 0:10:35.160 wants to be accepted. No. Absolutely, you know, I was 0:10:35.160 --> 0:10:36.560 thinking I was going to ask you too, have you 0:10:36.559 --> 0:10:38.960 ever matched somebody who is an atheist or somebody who's religious. 0:10:40.480 --> 0:10:44.640 Uh no, No, that's kind of like a breaker. Oh god, 0:10:44.679 --> 0:10:50.920 that's the most atheists want someone who can understand their um, 0:10:50.960 --> 0:10:53.440 their their belief or their lack thereof. Do you think 0:10:53.559 --> 0:10:55.920 they want someone? Go ahead, please, I was gonna say, 0:10:55.920 --> 0:10:58.000 I was gonna ask you think it's the atheist that's 0:10:58.000 --> 0:11:00.880 not willing to be married or pursue a relationship with 0:11:00.880 --> 0:11:03.959 the religious person or vice versa, are both ways, it's 0:11:04.000 --> 0:11:07.080 normally vice versa. It's normally religious person that doesn't want 0:11:07.080 --> 0:11:10.719 an Yeah, yeah, I mean and then and and then 0:11:10.760 --> 0:11:12.640 I don't know, because I know some atheists who feel 0:11:12.640 --> 0:11:14.640 as though if they get with someone who's who's very 0:11:14.679 --> 0:11:17.000 religious and now and then there's a difference between being 0:11:17.000 --> 0:11:20.200 religious and being spiritual. A religious person person who goes 0:11:20.200 --> 0:11:22.840 to church every week, and they're going to church on Sunday, 0:11:22.840 --> 0:11:24.920 they go to Bible study on Tuesday, they go to 0:11:25.040 --> 0:11:27.920 choir practice, you know. But but if you're just a 0:11:27.960 --> 0:11:30.800 religious person, meaning you believe in a higher power you, 0:11:31.200 --> 0:11:34.000 however you choose to identify him or her, if you 0:11:34.080 --> 0:11:37.720 believe in that higher power, and then uh, you want 0:11:37.720 --> 0:11:41.160 someone else who has a belief system of someone outside 0:11:41.160 --> 0:11:45.240 of themselves, outside of this realm, then then I've seen 0:11:45.280 --> 0:11:48.280 that that's even that that maybe a little a little 0:11:48.320 --> 0:11:50.920 bit easier because I've had some ageentts that you know, 0:11:50.920 --> 0:11:53.559 I don't mind being with someone who is spiritual as 0:11:53.559 --> 0:11:57.640 long as they're not trying to convert me. Yeah. Well, 0:11:57.679 --> 0:12:00.000 so then what advice would you have because oftentimes, what's 0:12:00.520 --> 0:12:03.439 like listening emails people seeking advice on their relationships, and 0:12:03.800 --> 0:12:05.760 every once in a while we'll see someone say something 0:12:06.280 --> 0:12:09.000 along the lines of I'm religious but he's not, or 0:12:09.559 --> 0:12:12.440 he's religious and I'm not necessarily as religious as he is. 0:12:12.720 --> 0:12:14.839 We we love each other, we've been together for three years, 0:12:15.200 --> 0:12:17.280 but we don't know necessarily where to move from here. 0:12:17.320 --> 0:12:19.120 So for a listener out there that might be dealing 0:12:19.160 --> 0:12:20.880 with something similar to that, what kind of advice would 0:12:20.880 --> 0:12:24.079 you have for them in that situation. Yeah, that's great, 0:12:24.120 --> 0:12:25.720 that's great. And for let me say, first of all, 0:12:25.760 --> 0:12:27.280 I'm so happy to do this because I always talk 0:12:27.280 --> 0:12:29.480 about marriage, so I'm I'm loving the fact that I 0:12:29.520 --> 0:12:32.960 can talk a little about dating. But if if if 0:12:33.000 --> 0:12:36.319 there are two people, one's religious and one is not religious, 0:12:37.080 --> 0:12:39.240 the first thing I would say to a person is, 0:12:40.040 --> 0:12:44.280 first of all, examine what is your religion or lack 0:12:44.360 --> 0:12:47.040 there of doing for you? Because religious is supposed to 0:12:47.040 --> 0:12:50.400 make you better your your spiritually is supposed to make 0:12:50.400 --> 0:12:54.080 you a better person. Now, if you have one person 0:12:54.120 --> 0:12:56.080 A who is religious, in person B who is not, 0:12:56.480 --> 0:13:00.160 and they're having conflict, but then the question is uh um, 0:13:01.440 --> 0:13:04.839 from where is the conflict coming. Is a religious person 0:13:04.840 --> 0:13:07.440 trying to convert the other person. Is that person thinking 0:13:07.480 --> 0:13:11.240 this person is too uh pharasaical as I say, or 0:13:11.240 --> 0:13:16.680 to um um you know, overly um religious or what 0:13:16.760 --> 0:13:20.680 have you. If it's not making you better, then you 0:13:20.760 --> 0:13:25.520 might want to reconsider what you believe. Because I've met 0:13:25.559 --> 0:13:28.560 a lot of religious people who say, this person does 0:13:28.559 --> 0:13:30.800 not believe in God, and this person is not religious, 0:13:30.840 --> 0:13:33.200 I can't be with him. And I'm like, well, is 0:13:33.240 --> 0:13:35.280 he a good person or is she a good person? 0:13:35.360 --> 0:13:38.079 Or yeah, they're great, but then what's the big deal? 0:13:39.120 --> 0:13:41.160 Let that means, you know, just just remove that out 0:13:41.160 --> 0:13:44.560 of the way and understand that your religion is supposed 0:13:44.559 --> 0:13:47.880 to make you an accepting, a loving and a good person, 0:13:48.720 --> 0:13:50.520 and vice versa. I think a lot of times to 0:13:50.600 --> 0:13:54.120 what we'll see is couples that are maybe getting more 0:13:54.160 --> 0:13:57.520 serious in the relationship, whether they're serious boyfriend, girlfriend about 0:13:57.520 --> 0:14:00.640 to propose, had just gotten married, and then kids kind 0:14:00.640 --> 0:14:03.080 of become part of the equation as well, and they 0:14:03.080 --> 0:14:04.559 start to say, well, what do how do we want 0:14:04.559 --> 0:14:06.200 to raise our kids on? What poliicsystem do we want 0:14:06.200 --> 0:14:07.560 to raise our kids on? Do we want to take 0:14:07.559 --> 0:14:10.080 them to church? Every day or whatever it might be. 0:14:10.360 --> 0:14:12.120 That's where it gets messy, because you can believe whatever 0:14:12.200 --> 0:14:13.520 you want to believe. But then when it comes to 0:14:13.600 --> 0:14:15.720 kids and how you raise them and what you want 0:14:15.800 --> 0:14:20.360 them to believe, that changes the entire side. Well and 0:14:20.360 --> 0:14:22.880 and and that's such a great point because when it 0:14:22.920 --> 0:14:25.360 comes to that, I normally will tell a couple here's 0:14:25.400 --> 0:14:29.640 the deal. Let's stop looking at what religion I want 0:14:29.640 --> 0:14:32.600 to raise my children in, and let's look at how 0:14:32.640 --> 0:14:35.440 do I want my children to be. Do I want 0:14:35.480 --> 0:14:37.720 them to be moral? Don't want them to be decent, 0:14:37.800 --> 0:14:40.480 don't want them to make good life decisions? How do 0:14:40.520 --> 0:14:42.680 I want them to be? So let's take the good 0:14:42.760 --> 0:14:47.040 of both of our our beliefs and both of who 0:14:47.080 --> 0:14:49.080 we are. I mean, if if these are two good 0:14:49.120 --> 0:14:51.840 people who just happen to have different religions, and you're 0:14:51.840 --> 0:14:54.440 pouring who you are into your children, your children are 0:14:54.480 --> 0:14:58.120 going to be raised as good people when they get 0:14:58.160 --> 0:15:00.800 up an age to an age where they're there accountable 0:15:00.840 --> 0:15:03.920 to themselves, accountable to their own morality, they can make 0:15:03.960 --> 0:15:06.320 their own decisions as to which way they want to go. 0:15:07.080 --> 0:15:09.960 So I try to get people to understand, first of all, 0:15:10.160 --> 0:15:13.720 is not as important what church you're going to? I mean, 0:15:13.760 --> 0:15:17.240 are you raising decent people? And that's you know, so 0:15:17.400 --> 0:15:20.840 that's where that's where I believe the difference is there. 0:15:21.000 --> 0:15:24.200 That's the basically I understand totally. So Cal you're a 0:15:24.240 --> 0:15:26.880 relationship expert. If there is one common thread that you've 0:15:26.880 --> 0:15:30.160 found in all the advice you've given two couples, because 0:15:30.160 --> 0:15:32.120 you've you know, done a lot of given a lot 0:15:32.120 --> 0:15:34.640 of vice to a lot of different people with different backgrounds. Uh, 0:15:34.840 --> 0:15:37.240 is there one common theme that you find in a 0:15:37.320 --> 0:15:40.240 lot of different relationships that either make the relationship work 0:15:40.440 --> 0:15:45.520 or maybe, um it like helps for the relationship to break. 0:15:46.040 --> 0:15:47.960 Is there anything that can really that you can give 0:15:48.000 --> 0:15:50.320 to couples that are listening to this right now advice 0:15:50.360 --> 0:15:54.520 on how to make their relationship better? Yeah? Whatever you 0:15:54.600 --> 0:16:06.240 think you know about relationships, um, forget it. Yeah, I'm serious, 0:16:06.280 --> 0:16:09.120 because here's the thing. Everyone is different, and you have 0:16:09.280 --> 0:16:11.000 to if you're going to go into relationships you wanted 0:16:11.000 --> 0:16:15.119 to be successful, you have to be completely malleable, completely 0:16:15.240 --> 0:16:20.880 open to change, completely open to allowing your relationship to 0:16:21.080 --> 0:16:26.360 develop for itself, because very often what people will do 0:16:26.440 --> 0:16:28.720 is that they will have all these preconceived notions of 0:16:28.760 --> 0:16:32.560 how they feel a relationship should be, and so they'll 0:16:32.600 --> 0:16:35.800 go into a relationship saying, hey, this is what I want, 0:16:35.880 --> 0:16:37.400 this is what I want, and we all have our 0:16:37.400 --> 0:16:42.080 own checklist. But you have to be flexible, and you 0:16:42.160 --> 0:16:44.640 have to say, hey, look, I'm willing to let my 0:16:44.720 --> 0:16:49.120 relationships determine what I want, as opposed to me coming 0:16:49.160 --> 0:16:53.160 and saying hey I want someone who's who's six three, etcetera, etcetera, 0:16:53.160 --> 0:16:57.000 where you might meet somebody who's five seven and they 0:16:57.000 --> 0:16:58.800 are the best thing that have I happened to you 0:16:59.280 --> 0:17:02.040 be lexible. The height thing is always fun to me 0:17:03.320 --> 0:17:04.760 because like I have a lot of I have a 0:17:04.840 --> 0:17:07.680 lot of friends who are dating guys, and so often 0:17:07.720 --> 0:17:10.440 they'll always say things like, oh, he was too short 0:17:10.560 --> 0:17:13.040 or something like that, and I guess it's it's something 0:17:13.040 --> 0:17:16.200 I've never personally experienced, but that you're also six four 0:17:16.440 --> 0:17:19.160 to six to no, you're at least sixth three. It's 0:17:19.200 --> 0:17:21.439 just a funny thing to hear when someone's like he 0:17:21.520 --> 0:17:24.359 was perfect in every single way, great job, great person, great, 0:17:24.800 --> 0:17:28.320 but he's five ft eight feet tall or five inches fall. 0:17:28.400 --> 0:17:31.919 I'm like, well, how are you gonna disqualifying because of that? Like, 0:17:31.920 --> 0:17:35.679 that's just unbelievable, It's ridiculous. And that's why when people say, well, 0:17:35.680 --> 0:17:37.560 we're all the good women, we're all the good men. 0:17:38.400 --> 0:17:46.080 What you're saying, right, you're saying we're What you're asking 0:17:46.200 --> 0:17:49.359 is where are the people who meet my criteria? Totally, 0:17:49.359 --> 0:17:53.040 you gotta throw that criteria out the window, throw that 0:17:53.080 --> 0:17:57.200 crap out the window the window, look at that person 0:17:57.320 --> 0:18:00.840 for who they are, and and and allow your relationship 0:18:00.920 --> 0:18:03.680 to determine. And I tell this to marry people all 0:18:03.680 --> 0:18:06.160 the time and said, well I want this kind of husband, 0:18:06.359 --> 0:18:09.400 that kind of wife. No, because every person is going 0:18:09.440 --> 0:18:11.960 to You're going to be the kind of husband that 0:18:12.680 --> 0:18:15.200 why they want you to be. And you would be 0:18:15.240 --> 0:18:17.200 a different kind of husband if you're with wife b 0:18:18.000 --> 0:18:21.600 because every relationship is going to change you. And if 0:18:21.640 --> 0:18:25.080 you come with just a a static idea of how 0:18:25.200 --> 0:18:27.560 you should be in a relationship or what you want 0:18:27.560 --> 0:18:30.679 in that relationship, you'll never enjoy the beauty of change 0:18:30.680 --> 0:18:33.080 and the beauty of discovery. Totally. Tom Brady would not 0:18:33.080 --> 0:18:35.440 be the same quarterback without coach Bill Belichick. I've always 0:18:35.480 --> 0:18:39.200 firmly believed that and vice versa. It's all about the relationships, really, 0:18:39.280 --> 0:18:42.880 so cal tell me a little bit. Oh, diehard Patriots fans, 0:18:42.880 --> 0:18:44.240 So cal tell me a little bit before you go 0:18:44.320 --> 0:18:49.800 about what's this merit at First Sight Honeymoon Island. Ah, Oh, 0:18:49.880 --> 0:18:54.200 you're excited. I like it. I like that response. Yeah, man, 0:18:54.320 --> 0:18:57.760 I'm I am so excited about this show. One reason 0:18:57.800 --> 0:18:59.879 that I'm excited is because it gives me a chance 0:19:00.400 --> 0:19:02.480 to do something else that I love, which is talked 0:19:02.520 --> 0:19:07.040 to single people about preparing themselves for marriage. We have 0:19:07.160 --> 0:19:11.440 sixteen couple, sixteen individual who are put on an island, 0:19:11.800 --> 0:19:14.920 and a lot of these are people who um who 0:19:14.920 --> 0:19:18.440 were some of them married at first Sight hopefuls but 0:19:18.560 --> 0:19:21.640 did not get selected. And and let me just say, 0:19:21.880 --> 0:19:24.680 if they did not get selected, it's not because they 0:19:24.840 --> 0:19:28.640 were not marriable, but because we simply could not find 0:19:28.680 --> 0:19:30.960 somebody for them. Because one thing we do are married 0:19:30.960 --> 0:19:33.080 at first sight, is that if we find a great 0:19:33.119 --> 0:19:35.680 person but we cannot find a great match, we won't 0:19:35.720 --> 0:19:37.639 match you. We're not going to just throw you with 0:19:37.680 --> 0:19:40.119 someone just for the sake of TV sixteen single people. 0:19:40.119 --> 0:19:44.639 As Alwa said, sixteen single people just throw them on 0:19:44.720 --> 0:19:46.879 an island. And we're putting them on an island. And 0:19:46.960 --> 0:19:51.240 the again. These are people who are some are formal, 0:19:51.520 --> 0:19:56.000 former married at first sight, summer fresh faces, and then 0:19:56.080 --> 0:19:59.960 after we get on the island, uh dr Jess again myself, 0:20:00.600 --> 0:20:04.520 we're on there to guide them and the rest is 0:20:04.920 --> 0:20:08.080 just awesome. Thanks for a great TV. Yeah we can't wait. Well. 0:20:08.160 --> 0:20:12.160 Premieres Tuesday, October at ten o'clock Eastern time on Lifetime, 0:20:12.160 --> 0:20:14.280 and you can also check out Cal on meretith first 0:20:14.320 --> 0:20:17.440 site That is on Tuesday nights at nine o'clock also 0:20:17.560 --> 0:20:20.080 on Lifetime. Cal thank you so much for joining us. 0:20:20.200 --> 0:20:23.520 You were awesome. Good luck in your endeavors. Thanks oh man, 0:20:23.520 --> 0:20:27.040 I appreciate it. Prom Thank you, Cal. Thanks take care. 0:20:27.800 --> 0:20:30.040 I have a question. Okay, what the hell was the 0:20:30.040 --> 0:20:31.720 story you were talking about? Before we get into that, 0:20:31.760 --> 0:20:32.960 I want to say one thing. I could be wrong 0:20:32.960 --> 0:20:34.720 and I might eat my words later on this. I 0:20:34.760 --> 0:20:39.160 think I know someone that's on Honeymoon Island. Well, are 0:20:39.160 --> 0:20:41.040 we allowed to say who it is? I don't know 0:20:41.080 --> 0:20:43.359 she's so. I moved out of my house back in December, 0:20:43.720 --> 0:20:45.520 and I think the girl that moved into my house 0:20:45.560 --> 0:20:48.560 after me, she like pulled me, she like called me 0:20:48.720 --> 0:20:50.880 maybe three months ago. She says, Hey, I'm thinking about 0:20:50.880 --> 0:20:53.359 going on reality TV show. I know you've been on 0:20:53.400 --> 0:20:55.399 a few reality TV shows. Can I take your advice? 0:20:55.440 --> 0:20:57.600 Like pick your brain? Blah blah blah. And she just 0:20:57.640 --> 0:21:00.280 got back like two days ago. Well I will two 0:21:00.359 --> 0:21:02.359 days ago. Wow, So they must have It could have 0:21:02.400 --> 0:21:03.600 been a different I know that they were on a 0:21:03.600 --> 0:21:05.960 beach somewhere. I know that it was sixteen people, So 0:21:06.359 --> 0:21:08.600