Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central. Big news from the NFL,
Speaker 1: which has announced that this year's Super Bowl halftime show
Speaker 1: will be headlined by Rihanna. And we can all agree
Speaker 1: on what that means, right. That means that this isn't
Speaker 1: the super Bowl anymore. This is a Rihanna concert with
Speaker 1: football around it, all right, That's what it is. In
Speaker 1: government news, the CIA has announced that it is launching
Speaker 1: a podcast. Yeah, which is great because I guess now
Speaker 1: for a change, we're gonna be listening to them. And
Speaker 1: I know, I know a lot of people are doubtful
Speaker 1: about this, they think it's weird, but I think it's
Speaker 1: gonna be a huge, huge hit, you know. Yeah, because
Speaker 1: this he said that they're going to use the same
Speaker 1: tactics they used when they launched Crack. So this podcast
Speaker 1: is gonna go everywhere. It's gonna be really good. Oh.
Speaker 1: In international news, Italy has elected its first female prime minister. Yeah.
Speaker 1: It's also a right wing politician who loves Mussolini to Nate.
Speaker 1: You cheered, No, you cheered. You can't take your cheers back.
Speaker 1: You can't take your cheers back. You love he already. Yeah,
Speaker 1: this is a bitter sweet for Italian liberals because a
Speaker 1: woman broke the glass ceiling, but she did it by
Speaker 1: throwing an immigrant through it. All right, let's move on
Speaker 1: to the big stories of the day, starting with Star Wars,
Speaker 1: the sci fi movie that made incest cool. For almost
Speaker 1: fifty years, James Earl Jones has been the voice behind
Speaker 1: Darth Vader, the most famous villain in movie history and
Speaker 1: most famous asthmatic. But on Friday, Disney announced that the
Speaker 1: force is going to be moving on. James Earl Jones
Speaker 1: is reportedly retire from voicing Darth Vader, but Star Wars
Speaker 1: fans may not even notice. Vanity Fair says the ninety
Speaker 1: one year old actor has signed off on a plan
Speaker 1: to use artificial intelligence to craft new dialogue from his
Speaker 1: old voice recordings. You see the little mommaid becomes black
Speaker 1: and they take a white gentile. Jones, I told you
Speaker 1: that'd be backlash. I told you. I'm joking. I'm joking.
Speaker 1: I'm joking. The legendary actor has retired from doing the voice.
Speaker 1: That's all that happened. And what's interesting to me is
Speaker 1: that you hear what they said instead of trying to
Speaker 1: find someone else to voice the pot. Disney has said
Speaker 1: they're gonna use artificial intelligence to replicate Darth Vada's voice. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't know. People, this makes me a little nervous. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we think AI is going to take over the world,
Speaker 1: and now we're gonna teach it to use the dark
Speaker 1: side of the force. No one thinks this is a
Speaker 1: bad idea. But I get it. I get it. I
Speaker 1: mean that voice is iconic, you know, it belongs in
Speaker 1: Darth Vader's body or announcing CNN promos. But that's it.
Speaker 1: That's the last thing we need. The last thing we
Speaker 1: need is them opening the roll up to like other
Speaker 1: famous people like they could. You know when they do
Speaker 1: that with rules and then it becomes weird. You know.
Speaker 1: Can you imagine Darth Vader being voiced by someone else? Luke,
Speaker 1: I am your father, but until your mama shows me
Speaker 1: the paternity says, you can just call me uncle Darth
Speaker 1: and far main story tonight. I am your father. That's right, Luke,
Speaker 1: I am your daddy. And yes, that upsets me as
Speaker 1: much as it upsets you. Luke. A lot of people
Speaker 1: are saying I'm your father lived. They're saying they've never
Speaker 1: seen a better father, and they're right. I love all
Speaker 1: my children. It's you, It's Ivanka, and that's it. It
Speaker 1: would have never worked. All right, Enough of that. Let's
Speaker 1: move on from Star Wars to another ongoing battle, the
Speaker 1: mid term elections. In our latest installments A Vote Demmick,
Speaker 1: we're not just six weeks away from election day, which
Speaker 1: means each party is making their closing pitches to the voters.
Speaker 1: Democrats are promising that if they win, they will secure
Speaker 1: abortion rights and share Nancy Pelosi stock tips. And Friday,
Speaker 1: to counter that message, Republicans revealed their new policy idea.
Speaker 1: House Republicans are unveiling their plan to win back the
Speaker 1: majority in November. On Friday, House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy,
Speaker 1: who is eyeing the Speaker's gabble, announced his new GOP agenda,
Speaker 1: called the Commitment to America. But on that very first
Speaker 1: day that we're sworn in, you'll see that it all changes.
Speaker 1: Because on our very first bill, we're gonna repeal a
Speaker 1: d said and thousand I R S Agents. Our job
Speaker 1: is to work for you, not go after you. God
Speaker 1: damn eighty seven thousand I R S agents fired. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but I just streaked the flaws. Will streak them at
Speaker 1: home because your ass is gone hashtag Republicans. I also
Speaker 1: love the language they use when they're trying to be tactical, right,
Speaker 1: when they complain about jobs going away, they'll be like,
Speaker 1: you're losing jobs, you're getting fired. When it's then they're like,
Speaker 1: we're gonna repeal these jobs. And if you're thinking that
Speaker 1: is a weirdly specific number, that's because it is the
Speaker 1: exact number of I R S employees hired by the
Speaker 1: Biden administration a couple of months ago. Yeah, And the
Speaker 1: idea behind this was that the government could get more
Speaker 1: money if the I r S was better able to
Speaker 1: crack down on all the tax sheets like billionaires and corporations, right,
Speaker 1: which makes sense. Which makes sense, Although another way to
Speaker 1: get more money in taxes would be to not make
Speaker 1: doing taxes feel like solving the formula for the time
Speaker 1: space continuum. They could make it easier. Yeah, would spend
Speaker 1: all weekend combining line with line b W. If I
Speaker 1: wanted to be an accountant, I would have been an
Speaker 1: account and God damn it. But now the GOP is
Speaker 1: promising fewer I R S agents, which means you have
Speaker 1: less of a chance of getting audited, which means you
Speaker 1: don't have to worry as much about paying your taxes.
Speaker 1: And you know what it is. Yeah, basically, the GOP
Speaker 1: is that kid who ran for class present in ninth
Speaker 1: grade on a platform of making homework illegal. And you're like,
Speaker 1: this doesn't seem responsible or even possible. But yeah, he
Speaker 1: has my vote, Yeah he has my vote. But look,
Speaker 1: this IRIS bill has a good chance of happening because remember,
Speaker 1: the Republicans are still expected to take control of the
Speaker 1: House this year for and for many reasons. Yeah, Joe
Speaker 1: Biden's unpopularity, the way congressional districts are drawn, people are
Speaker 1: hearing that Republicans are giving away free flights to Morth's vineyard.
Speaker 1: But remember it's not a sure thing. They might win,
Speaker 1: but it's not a sure thing. And part of the
Speaker 1: reason it's not as shure as it should be is
Speaker 1: because the Republicans keep putting up candidates like this. Republican
Speaker 1: House candidate JR. Majewski is struggling in his campaign in
Speaker 1: northwest Ohio. The forty two year old Republican first launched
Speaker 1: into fame by painting Donald Trump into his lawn and
Speaker 1: raised eyebrows last year with a rap video attacking Joe Biden.
Speaker 1: Ice cream while he's crapping his paint. Our dreams, in
Speaker 1: our freedom, this is our last same Majewski is now
Speaker 1: in hot water again, facing accusations that he lied about
Speaker 1: being deployed to Afghanistan after nine eleven, when in fact
Speaker 1: he served away from combat. Majuski says, the documents proving
Speaker 1: that he saw combat our top secret. In fact, the
Speaker 1: orders and the military records that I've been able to
Speaker 1: obtain from my personal files shows that all of my
Speaker 1: deployments are listed as classified. Yeah, that's right, people, he
Speaker 1: cannot prove that he was in combat because all of
Speaker 1: the records are classified. And I believe him. Man, I
Speaker 1: I've been there. I've been there. I have when I
Speaker 1: was in middle school. My girlfriend was classified too, and
Speaker 1: it sucks. She was so hot, guys, I wish you
Speaker 1: could have seen her. But oh man, actually was so classified.
Speaker 1: But really, if you if you weren't an active combat,
Speaker 1: you can't just say you were in active combat, especially
Speaker 1: if you get elected at a dinner party. We get it,
Speaker 1: you know, I killed bin Laden who. But lying about
Speaker 1: an active combat isn't just disrespectful to the truths who
Speaker 1: are actually in active combat. It's also extremely misleading to
Speaker 1: the voters. Right, if you're gonna say you're doing top
Speaker 1: secret combat in Afghanistan and you can't show it to us,
Speaker 1: you should at least have to prove it, you know,
Speaker 1: you should have to do some Seal Team six ships
Speaker 1: in front of us. Yeah, Like the guy standing next
Speaker 1: to you just snap his neck on stage. But then
Speaker 1: I'll believe you were like, oh ship, did you say that?
Speaker 1: And then the guy I'm talking to his head slides
Speaker 1: off his body. I'm like, but it looks like this
Speaker 1: guy wasn't in active combat and he didn't kill anything
Speaker 1: other than that rap music video that was rap did
Speaker 1: not survived that video or rest in peace hip hop.
Speaker 1: We will remember you. We will remember you, all right,
Speaker 1: But let's move on to some international news, because America
Speaker 1: isn't the only country in the world, you know, there's
Speaker 1: like ten of us. Three weeks ago, the UK was
Speaker 1: introduced to its new Prime Minister, Liz Truce, who announced
Speaker 1: that she was going to get Britain back on track.
Speaker 1: She just didn't mention which way the track would be going.
Speaker 1: This morning, the British pound plunged nearly five percent to
Speaker 1: a record low against the US dollar. Levels like that's
Speaker 1: not seen since the eighties. This amid growing fears of
Speaker 1: instability in the UK, Friday, British officials announced the largest
Speaker 1: tax cuts in fifty years, while also boosting government borrowing
Speaker 1: and spending. Worries there this will be inflationary. This seems
Speaker 1: to be a vote of of no, no support for
Speaker 1: the new government here and it's a big ambitious plans
Speaker 1: announced late last week. Yeah, so here's what happened. Lisztrups
Speaker 1: introduced a round of tax cuts for the wealthy, and
Speaker 1: in response, the British currency has collapsed, which is not
Speaker 1: what they wanted. Yeah, and at some point, can we
Speaker 1: admit that even lifelong politicians don't actually know what they're
Speaker 1: doing right? And can we admit that we we just
Speaker 1: assumed they have some idea of the way things work,
Speaker 1: but they just they just run things the way we
Speaker 1: used to play Mortal Kombat, you know, just just hit
Speaker 1: all the buttons and hope for fatality. Come on, Luken,
Speaker 1: come on. I actually feel bad for liszt truth because
Speaker 1: this was the first bill that she proposed and it
Speaker 1: tanked the entire economy. Can you imagine being Prime minister
Speaker 1: and your first idea, your first idea. Everyone's like, oh,
Speaker 1: you know it. You sell all of our money. It's
Speaker 1: worth now, thanks Liz. I'm kiding, I' kidding. Obviously, this
Speaker 1: the bill wasn't the first thing she did. The first
Speaker 1: first thing she didn't was killed the queen, right, This
Speaker 1: was the second thing. That's what it was. The big
Speaker 1: moments watched live around the globe. Last night, NASA tested
Speaker 1: a new planetary defense system by smashing a spacecraft into
Speaker 1: an asteroid. Boom, Yeah, how you like that asteroid? That
Speaker 1: was for the dinosaurs. And in case you're wondering, In
Speaker 1: case you're wondering, no, the asteroid was not heading for Earth, right,
Speaker 1: we're just testing the system wasn't heading towards us. But
Speaker 1: now the other asteroids they know not to test us.
Speaker 1: You don't mess with Earth man, we're local man. In
Speaker 1: health and news, researchers have discovered that you can dissolve
Speaker 1: pills faster if you lie on your right side, which
Speaker 1: raises a big question for me, how do I become
Speaker 1: a researcher? Because it just sounds like fun? Okay, I
Speaker 1: look a lot of fun. He's sit around old day
Speaker 1: thinking random thls like huh, I wonder what would happen
Speaker 1: if I took at Ville Duggie style. Oh, and then
Speaker 1: financial news, Donald Trump is back on the Forbes four
Speaker 1: hundred list of America's richest people, at number three hundred
Speaker 1: and forty three, which I love so much. Yeah, I mean,
Speaker 1: how ironic is it that Donald Trump is the only
Speaker 1: guy doing well in Joe Biden's economy. Yeah, he's gonna
Speaker 1: end up running for president and then voting full Biden.
Speaker 1: I made so much money under Joe Brandon and this
Speaker 1: Trump guy was crazy. I heard you wanted bleaching his lung.
Speaker 1: He's crazy. I'm voting for Joe. But let's move on
Speaker 1: to some of the biggest stories of the day, starting
Speaker 1: with our ongoing coverage of the wall in Ukraine. It
Speaker 1: has been seven months since Vladimir Putin went all kool
Speaker 1: aid Man on Ukraine, but from day one the war
Speaker 1: has been a disaster for him. First, Putin tried to
Speaker 1: take over all of Ukraine, but the Ukrainian Army stopped him.
Speaker 1: Then he tried to take over the eastern half, but
Speaker 1: the Ukrainian Army stopped him. Then try to slide into
Speaker 1: an Instagram model's d ms on the Instagram like it
Speaker 1: was just Instagram, So the Ukrainian army didn't do anything
Speaker 1: because it was Instagram. Yeah, he was. He was stopped
Speaker 1: by the fact that he looks like a heavily botox
Speaker 1: gadlum in his suits. No offense to godlem, I just
Speaker 1: need an example. The point is Vladimir Putin is not
Speaker 1: hashtag winning. So after seven months of war, the Russian
Speaker 1: army only controls a slice of Ukraine, and now the
Speaker 1: Ukrainians are threatening to take that back too. But before
Speaker 1: that happens, Vladimir Putin is saying, hey, hey, what about
Speaker 1: democracy in Ukraine. Russian controlled areas in the east of
Speaker 1: the country are wrapping up a series of referendums asking
Speaker 1: voters if they want to be a part of Russia.
Speaker 1: The votes are illegal under international law, and some Ukrainians
Speaker 1: have been forced to vote at gunpoint. Election officials accompanied
Speaker 1: by armed soldiers go trapsing up flights of stairs, knocking
Speaker 1: on doors searching for voters. In the past few minutes,
Speaker 1: and Russian state media has announced the primary results, claiming
Speaker 1: that people have voted overwhelmingly in favor of becoming part
Speaker 1: of the Russian Federation. The results supposedly showing seven or
Speaker 1: eight percent of the vote being in favor of joining
Speaker 1: the federation. Yeah, you hear that Russian soldiers are going
Speaker 1: door to door forcing people to vote to join Russia,
Speaker 1: and so because of that of the vote has been
Speaker 1: pro Putin. But I mean, let's be honest. I mean,
Speaker 1: these voters have a choice in the same way we
Speaker 1: have a choice to not accept cookies on that website.
Speaker 1: I was like, what, so what if I click? No?
Speaker 1: Can I not see how child stars have aged? What
Speaker 1: kind of a choice is that seven sent? You know,
Speaker 1: my question is who the hell is the three percent? No,
Speaker 1: I'm really impressed by it. Who had the balls to
Speaker 1: still vote against Putin while his soldiers watched them mark
Speaker 1: their battles. Who was there just like, yes, you have
Speaker 1: voted for your mama. Look at that I voted Oh
Speaker 1: so yeah, because it's a sham. It looks like of
Speaker 1: the voters in this election voted to become a part
Speaker 1: of Russia. And honestly, like, why do they even go
Speaker 1: through all of this, huh, like going door to door
Speaker 1: making everyone sign ship just so you can do what
Speaker 1: you're already doing anyway. I mean, it's one thing to
Speaker 1: conquer a town and blow up all their buildings, but
Speaker 1: then to make them do paperwork. There is evil and
Speaker 1: then there's evil. And this is that classic middle school
Speaker 1: bully move, forcing you to say something and then acting
Speaker 1: like it's legit. So you want to eat dog? Pool?
Speaker 1: So you want to eat dog? Why? I like he
Speaker 1: said it. He likes eating dog pote. No, I didn't, Steve.
Speaker 1: I just said it because you made me say it.
Speaker 1: I'm glad your parents broke up. But let's move on
Speaker 1: to some news that's closer to home. Even though the
Speaker 1: coronavirus pandemic seems to finally be on its way out,
Speaker 1: I think we cannot admit the world is not exactly
Speaker 1: the same as it used to be. We're less eager
Speaker 1: to shake stranger's hands. You know, people generally don't sit
Speaker 1: next to each other in public places anymore. And now
Speaker 1: every time you rub a bank, it takes so much
Speaker 1: longer for people to know you will Robbert because everyone
Speaker 1: else is wearing a moss. Yeah, so then you have
Speaker 1: to pull out a gun. But because it's America, everyone
Speaker 1: else pulls out a gun. And it's like, at that point,
Speaker 1: you say, not opening up a checking account and leaving,
Speaker 1: you know, I just sort of rubbed the bank, pandemics
Speaker 1: boiled everything. But good news, Good news, people, there is
Speaker 1: one part of American life that is coming roaring back.
Speaker 1: Traffic is coming back to pre pandemic levels. I've seen
Speaker 1: it with my own eyes. It's all thanks to a
Speaker 1: push for workers to return to the office. Major US
Speaker 1: cities including Los Angeles, Miami, Chicago seeing more a commuter
Speaker 1: traffic congestion, and it it is growing graphic is above
Speaker 1: pre pandemic levels in Miami and Dallas. In Houston and
Speaker 1: in Phoenix. There is an interesting disparity though, taking place
Speaker 1: in the numbers. Monday and Friday. That is, one traffic
Speaker 1: is typically lower, even lower than it was before the pandemic.
Speaker 1: Wednesday and Thursday are the really big days for traffic
Speaker 1: now in major cities across the country. Really starts to
Speaker 1: begin to rise today Tuesday. Yeah, you see, because everyone
Speaker 1: now works remote part time, and then everyone gets to
Speaker 1: choose which days they work remote and which those days
Speaker 1: they come in. All of the traffic that used to
Speaker 1: be during the week is now only on Tuesday, Wednesday
Speaker 1: and Thursday, which sucks all of the cramped together. I
Speaker 1: will say, as bad as bad as it is. Plus
Speaker 1: humans it is good for the cause, you know, yeah,
Speaker 1: because now the traffic is slowed. Was them a chance
Speaker 1: to catch up again? Hey there, Craig, Hey, hey Greig
Speaker 1: sometime no, say buddy, Hey, yeah, nice paint job. Nothing
Speaker 1: wrong with turning back the clock a little bit, huh me. Yeah,
Speaker 1: things have been good. Some teenagers had sex in me.
Speaker 1: That was cool. Oh good. Do you hear about Jerry
Speaker 1: by the way, his owner dubbed him for an electric Yeah,
Speaker 1: he's taking it real hard. He's hooked on diesel. Now.
Speaker 1: It's a real shame. Man. Oh the way, it's like
Speaker 1: my latest movie. See you in two seconds, buddy, ha
Speaker 1: ha ha. You know you know, when when you think
Speaker 1: about it, the new traffic problem makes sense, right because
Speaker 1: everyone would rather spend an extra day at home on
Speaker 1: a Monday and a Friday, And that means that those
Speaker 1: days are gonna be the days when everyone's chilling, right,
Speaker 1: because those are the days when you're making the hangover,
Speaker 1: recovering from the hangover, you know what I mean. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but now, but now think about this. If everyone is
Speaker 1: choosing the same days to be on the road, then
Speaker 1: those days are gonna suck even more, which means Tuesday
Speaker 1: is gonna be the new Friday, and then Thursday is
Speaker 1: going to be the new Monday. And then wait what, well,
Speaker 1: I guess Wednesday still gonna be in the middle of
Speaker 1: that weird day in the middle, like the d that
Speaker 1: nobody even uses. Like who says Weddin's day anyway? Huh,
Speaker 1: it's probably the same people who say February should be arrested.
Speaker 1: The point is. The point is this problem is happening
Speaker 1: because the week was designed incorrectly. Yeah, I think about it.
Speaker 1: Who said the week has to be seven days? Huh,
Speaker 1: it's not a rule. That's what people don't realize. If
Speaker 1: we all do the same week, it's not going to
Speaker 1: get better. My solution is, instead of seven days, we
Speaker 1: should have a five day week. Think about it. Think
Speaker 1: about it, because you've seen every study that comes out
Speaker 1: that says the few of the days we work doesn't
Speaker 1: mean that production goes down, right, No productivity decreases. What
Speaker 1: we do is spend extra time in the office, spending
Speaker 1: like we're working when really we're just we're just googling
Speaker 1: how long until Friday gets here? So we don't actually
Speaker 1: need more days in the office. Think about three days
Speaker 1: of work. That's what I propo. We do three days
Speaker 1: of work, two days a weekend. Yeah. Yeah, three years
Speaker 1: of work two days of weekend. It sounds like a
Speaker 1: perfect week. Yeah, let's traffic just like, Oh it's Monday.
Speaker 1: Oh it's Wednesday already Friday? Why a week? By the way,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna leave Monday off. I've got a thing. It's
Speaker 1: a perfect week. Lizzo who made history last night at
Speaker 1: a concert in Washington, d C. When she played a
Speaker 1: two hundred year old crystal flute that once belonged to
Speaker 1: President James Madison. Yeah, that's a really cool way to
Speaker 1: bring attention to American history because now students will know
Speaker 1: that James Madison was that guy who did a collab
Speaker 1: with Lizzo. In education news and Indiana teenager just learned
Speaker 1: that he was the only student in the world this
Speaker 1: year to get a perfect score on the ap calculus exam. Yeah,
Speaker 1: very impressive. What's even crazier is that the kids sitting
Speaker 1: next to him had the second best score in the world.
Speaker 1: What are the chances think about it, the only person
Speaker 1: in the world with a perfect score? Do you do
Speaker 1: you have any idea what the odds of that are?
Speaker 1: I don't The kid does, I don't. That's how smart
Speaker 1: he is. I don't know. Oh, and from the world
Speaker 1: of fine Dining, McDonald's has launched a limited edition series
Speaker 1: of Happy Meals for adults. Yeah yeah, and look, I
Speaker 1: know there are adults who are nostalgic for happy meals.
Speaker 1: But it's not the cheap plastic toys you cherish. Is
Speaker 1: that memory of your dad picking me up from school
Speaker 1: and then surprising you with a trip to Mickey D's,
Speaker 1: getting that happy meal in a colorful box, you know,
Speaker 1: explaining it to you that it's not your fault and
Speaker 1: both he and your mother still love you, even though
Speaker 1: they need to be a part now. Man, those toys
Speaker 1: are so cool. I remember those days, all right. But
Speaker 1: let's move on to some of the biggest stories of
Speaker 1: the day. Still sing with the monster hurricane that's shutting
Speaker 1: Florida down. Breaking news. Hurricane Ian has now officially made
Speaker 1: landfall as a Category four storm, one of, if not
Speaker 1: the most powerful storm ever to make landfall on the
Speaker 1: western coast of Florida. Truly an historic and potentially catastrophic
Speaker 1: day for much of this state. Ian's impact here is
Speaker 1: it moves inland, will be a catastrophic surge of up
Speaker 1: to eighteen feet, destructive wind us they're going way over
Speaker 1: a hundred miles an hour, and flooding rain which could
Speaker 1: be up to two ft because of the slow movement
Speaker 1: of the storm. This thing is the real deal. Uh
Speaker 1: it is. It is a major, major storm. Yeah, people,
Speaker 1: as we speak, Hurricane in is slamming into Florida, and
Speaker 1: I honestly hope that everyone in the Sunshine State is
Speaker 1: staying safe, you know, and I mean like like rest
Speaker 1: of America safe. Yeah, you know, not like Florida safe,
Speaker 1: you know, like where someone wears like a long sleeve
Speaker 1: shirt to wrestle, like eater. I'm being safe. No, not that,
Speaker 1: just be safe safe, because I mean, I know you
Speaker 1: guys are brave, but this hurricane. I mean, you heard
Speaker 1: Governor to Sanctus, he said, this thing is the real deal,
Speaker 1: not like the usual stuff I tell you to be
Speaker 1: scared of, like drag queens are critical race theory. I'm
Speaker 1: talking real. I got might find myself to Martha's vineyards
Speaker 1: because you understand, you understand the storm is way worse
Speaker 1: than usual, right, A hundred and fifty five mile and
Speaker 1: our winds, violent waves, and a storm surge of up
Speaker 1: to eighteen feet high. Eighteen feet you understand most pools
Speaker 1: aren't even eighteen feet deep, right, there's like eight feet
Speaker 1: of water and then maybe like another two to four piss,
Speaker 1: that's it. But hurricane in this ship is wild. And
Speaker 1: by the way, why are we still naming natural disasters?
Speaker 1: Like what, why do we do this? It's a weird
Speaker 1: thing we do hurricane here, Fiona, Like, we don't do
Speaker 1: that with personal disasters. You know, there's no doctor who's
Speaker 1: ever been like, I have some bad news. Jeremy has
Speaker 1: spread to your brain. Just a cute little name I
Speaker 1: came up with so you would remember it. But let's
Speaker 1: move on to some political news. After a shaky start
Speaker 1: to his presidency, Joe Biden has recently gotten some of
Speaker 1: his groove back. He's signing legislation, he's re establishing America's
Speaker 1: status in Europe, and he's the new brand ambassador for aviators.
Speaker 1: In fact, many people actually saying that Biden might have
Speaker 1: a really good shot at winning a second term in office.
Speaker 1: All he needs to do, though, is avoid doing stuff
Speaker 1: like this. An awkward moment for President Biden today at
Speaker 1: a White House conference while calling out people in the audience,
Speaker 1: he accidentally included Indiana Congresswoman Jackie will Orski, who was
Speaker 1: killed in a car crash over the summer. And I
Speaker 1: want to thank all of you here for including bipartisan
Speaker 1: electrificians like Representative Governor, Senator Braun, Senator Booker, Representative Jackie here.
Speaker 1: Where's Jackie? I don't think she went she went a
Speaker 1: school to help make this a reality. No, no, what
Speaker 1: are you doing? Ah? That's so awkward. A man and
Speaker 1: his explanations didn't help, you know. It's like, of course
Speaker 1: I knew Jackie was Now I was looking for Jackie Kennedy.
Speaker 1: Where's Jackiekennedy? Where is? Where are you Jackie? Where's Jackie here? Look?
Speaker 1: I mean I guess on the upside, at least he
Speaker 1: noticed that she wasn't there. This is a good thing. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it could have been much worth if he was like,
Speaker 1: where's JACKIEO that she is? There's jack Everyone look at Jackie.
Speaker 1: People like, there's no jack She's that. Everybody's Jackie. And look.
Speaker 1: I know a lot of people are saying that this
Speaker 1: is another example of Biden's brain being foggy. But I think,
Speaker 1: if anything, this makes Biden a better president. Yeah, think
Speaker 1: of how hard he must be working right now to
Speaker 1: keep Americans safe, knowing that Osama bin Laden is still
Speaker 1: out there somewhere. Where's it? Where's Jack? Where's it where?
Speaker 1: And finally, let's talk about air travel. The number of
Speaker 1: people flying is nearly back to pre pandemic levels, And
Speaker 1: if you're one of those people about to take a
Speaker 1: flight for the first time in a few years, here's
Speaker 1: a reminder that you might experience some weird ship up
Speaker 1: in the air. A new video is showing the moment
Speaker 1: that left passengers on board in American Airlines flight very confused.
Speaker 1: They were on their way to Dallas from l a
Speaker 1: X when strange noises started coming from the plane's public
Speaker 1: announcement system. Take a listen. The video has since gone
Speaker 1: viral and has gotten the attention of American Airlines. Some
Speaker 1: people have floated around the idea that the p A
Speaker 1: system was hacked. The company says the cause was a
Speaker 1: lot less sinister, blaming it on a malfunctioning system. Hell no,
Speaker 1: what the hell was that you hear the air? I
Speaker 1: don't even know how to describe those sounds because it
Speaker 1: sounds like Chewbacca getting a hand job was thing? What
Speaker 1: was that? And how is this guy so calm? He's
Speaker 1: just like you. Hear those yo. If I'm on a
Speaker 1: plane that starts making sounds like like like that, I'm
Speaker 1: getting a parachute. I'm getting a parachute and a few
Speaker 1: extra pretzels, and I'm opening the emergency exit. I'm gone.
Speaker 1: A lot of people who were speculating that the p
Speaker 1: A system was hacked by a prankster, but the official
Speaker 1: explanation from American Airlines is that the sounds were caused
Speaker 1: by quote a mechanical issue with the p A amplifier,
Speaker 1: which raises the volume of the p A system when
Speaker 1: the engines are running, which somehow is less comforting like
Speaker 1: a hacker. I understand, No, I get it a hacker.
Speaker 1: But but you're telling me that the plane is always
Speaker 1: making sounds like Frankenstein is getting a prostrate exam. But
Speaker 1: we're only hearing it now because of a mechanical issue.
Speaker 1: That's not reassuring information to me. The best case scenario
Speaker 1: is if the pilot accidentally left the p A system
Speaker 1: on in the cockpits and all the sounds that the
Speaker 1: peoplehood were coming from him. All right, everybody, we're on island. Now,
Speaker 1: let me just check some of my crypto investments. Oh
Speaker 1: that sucked everybody. I kind of get my spirits back up.
Speaker 1: You know what, I'm gonna watch that new video from
Speaker 1: the Try guys. Let's see that sucked out? Oh boy?
Speaker 1: What wait? What are this giant rent doing it here? What?
Speaker 1: No one can know? That would have been better. The
Speaker 1: f d A has issued new guidelines as to which
Speaker 1: foods can be labeled healthy, and that now includes nuts
Speaker 1: and salmon. And as much as I appreciate that, I
Speaker 1: didn't need the government to tell me that salmon is healthy.
Speaker 1: We all know that, because that's the thing that people
Speaker 1: are at weddings when they want to let you know
Speaker 1: that they're better than everyone else. I'll have the sermon.
Speaker 1: In international news, the Queen of Denmark has stripped her
Speaker 1: grandchildren grandchildren of their royal titles. Yeah, because she says
Speaker 1: she doesn't want them to be limited by their royal duties,
Speaker 1: which is the most posh way ever to say, bitch,
Speaker 1: get a job. Yeah, those grandkids must have been so grateful.
Speaker 1: It's like, wow, Grandma, thanks for not forcing me to
Speaker 1: be a prince anymore. I really hated all the attention
Speaker 1: and the free jewelry. I love being known as the
Speaker 1: grandkid formerly known as Prince Thank you. It's so funny
Speaker 1: how the British monarchy had so much drama that all
Speaker 1: the other monarchies are not looking around, like maybe we
Speaker 1: should shut this down while we're still ahead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh.
Speaker 1: In gaming news, this is a fun one. The maker
Speaker 1: of the card game you Know has come out officially
Speaker 1: and updated its rule to clarify that you cannot play
Speaker 1: a draw too on top of another draw to to
Speaker 1: make the next person draw for. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, they
Speaker 1: said draw to you take the draw to. That's it.
Speaker 1: That's it. I agree with you. I mean, like, who
Speaker 1: makes who makes these rules? I will say it is
Speaker 1: cool that they're doing it. You know, if they ask
Speaker 1: me we need to fix more game rules, you don't forget,
Speaker 1: you know, I think that works. Monopoly needs prison reform. Yeah.
Speaker 1: My brother gets like nine turns buying up all the
Speaker 1: properties while my symbol is stuck in jail. How is
Speaker 1: that fair? No justice, no peace. But let's move on
Speaker 1: to some of the biggest stories of the day, starting
Speaker 1: with the fallout from Hurricane in last night. The monster
Speaker 1: storm hit Florida like Florida just came home with a
Speaker 1: report card full of f's flooding the streets, destroying homes
Speaker 1: and infrastructure, and leaving millions without power. Now, the good
Speaker 1: news is that people took all the advanced warning seriously,
Speaker 1: so despite the destruction, there were very few casualties. And
Speaker 1: as the stormers needs, we're learning about some amazing ways
Speaker 1: that the people of Florida have pulled together. While the
Speaker 1: storm was raging over my shoulder hair, you can see
Speaker 1: the incredible power of hurricane in but now comes as
Speaker 1: we've already seen the selfless power of people, neighbors, friends,
Speaker 1: even complete strangers doing whatever they can to help rescues
Speaker 1: onshore and on land firefighters helping a woman escape floodwaters,
Speaker 1: but the fire department also thanking local jet skiers for
Speaker 1: helping out, writing sometimes we need a ride to the
Speaker 1: rescue ourselves. In Benita Beach, one good Samaritan breathing the
Speaker 1: elements to save a cat trapped outside on an air conditioner.
Speaker 1: Many of the sailboats are on their side. There was
Speaker 1: a guy who went on to to to get his
Speaker 1: three pets off that that were still on the boat.
Speaker 1: In St. Petersburg, staff at a botanical gardens hunkering down
Speaker 1: with flamingos to see them through the storm. Wow, that
Speaker 1: is amazing. That's so nice just to see like everybody
Speaker 1: coming together, you know, helping the cats, helping the flamingos.
Speaker 1: I mean, I mean it's nice, But do flamingos need
Speaker 1: more help than humans in a hurricane? It's just weird.
Speaker 1: Just like, don't worry flamingos. I'll protect you, flaming like
Speaker 1: where the water bird, dude, We'll protect you. But this
Speaker 1: is all amazing, right, is the response to the storm
Speaker 1: was so powerful that it led to something we've never
Speaker 1: seen before. Jet ski is being responsible. Yeah. Getting rescued
Speaker 1: by a jet ski is so awesome because it doesn't
Speaker 1: matter how exhausted or emotional you are, you can't stay
Speaker 1: that way on the jet ski, right, Yeah, you're gonna
Speaker 1: be there like, oh my god, thank you, thank you,
Speaker 1: I owe you my life. Alright. Shredded row Yeah, crank
Speaker 1: that diesel, bitch. And that's where the people rescuing the cats.
Speaker 1: That is true selflessness because that's somebody who's going, look,
Speaker 1: we love everything, our house is destroyed. We don't have power,
Speaker 1: but and hit me out on this. What if we
Speaker 1: also had our faces scratched to ship. What do you think?
Speaker 1: Britney is beautiful to see? But let's move on, because
Speaker 1: while Florida is recovering from this storm, there is still
Speaker 1: the storm that is always hits in America. Donald J.
Speaker 1: Trump new revelations on the final days of former President
Speaker 1: Donald Trump's presidency. In reporting provided to see an n
Speaker 1: from a forthcoming book by New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman,
Speaker 1: Trump repeatedly told aids following his election laws that he
Speaker 1: would refuse to leave the White House. Haberman's book reports
Speaker 1: that Trump told one aid quote, I'm just not going
Speaker 1: to leave. Haberman reports Trump quiz nearly everyone around him
Speaker 1: on how to stay in power, among those who reportedly
Speaker 1: asked the valet who brought him diet coke when Trump
Speaker 1: pressed a red button on his Oval office desk, Oh,
Speaker 1: that is so much pressure to put on your soda guy,
Speaker 1: But he asked the valet who brings him the diet
Speaker 1: cokes just like shoulder boy, I need you to make
Speaker 1: me the emperor of America. How do I do it?
Speaker 1: How do It's just like, oh, yeah, you just gotta
Speaker 1: coke zero? Man. You know, if I'm honest, I think
Speaker 1: it is less weird to get advice from your diet
Speaker 1: coke valet and more weird to have a diet coke valet.
Speaker 1: But I mean, once you got him, you might as
Speaker 1: well get his input, right, just be like, yeah, what
Speaker 1: do you think about it? How do we take a country? Huh?
Speaker 1: The real trapanty to me, is that Trump didn't follow
Speaker 1: through with his plan of just not leaving. Yeah. I
Speaker 1: would have been exciting. Yeah. I would have loved to
Speaker 1: have seen the FBI chasing Trump around the White House
Speaker 1: like an episode of Scooby Doo. This chase him through
Speaker 1: one door, he chases them through another door, and then
Speaker 1: they're all being chased. My goats is just like, well,
Speaker 1: many people are saying r R so much danger, scoop,
Speaker 1: so much danger. Let's move on. Let's move on them
Speaker 1: the previous administration to the current one. As you all know,
Speaker 1: Joe Biden is the President of the United States. But
Speaker 1: what if I told you there's also a vice president
Speaker 1: of the United States. Yeah, it's true, it's true. Her
Speaker 1: name is Kamala Harris. What I can hear you know?
Speaker 1: If that's the case, Trevor, how come I've never seen her?
Speaker 1: What are you gonna tell me next slender Man is
Speaker 1: real and I should kill my family. Okay, Well, I
Speaker 1: can't speak to the veracity of slender Man, but I
Speaker 1: do have proof that Kamala Harris exists, and she was
Speaker 1: just spotted in South Korea. Overnight. Vice President Kamala Harris
Speaker 1: arrived in South Korea for the last leg of her
Speaker 1: four day trip to Asia. She paid a visit to
Speaker 1: the d militarized Zone that divides the Korean Peninsula. The
Speaker 1: move is to demonstrate America's commitment to its Asian allies.
Speaker 1: Well Blade, Kamela, Well Blade, if there's one way to
Speaker 1: remind people you exist, it's to go stand at the
Speaker 1: border between North and South Korea. Now everybody knows your name. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's the same way. No one knew that I existed
Speaker 1: in high school. Nobody until the day I streaked naked
Speaker 1: across the football field. And from then on everyone knew
Speaker 1: one testicle travelers in our school, Oh they knew me.
Speaker 1: They all know me anyway, because this is such a
Speaker 1: major moment on Vice President Harris's trip, we go live
Speaker 1: to our very own Ronnie Chang, who is in the
Speaker 1: deep minis horrizzone Ronnie, how is it going over there, oh, traveler, Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's going really well. Thanks so much for sending me here.
Speaker 1: By the way, great assignments, not racist at all. Anyway,
Speaker 1: the last president was just here, and she just rocked
Speaker 1: up to the border with her giants o binoculars and
Speaker 1: instead of North Korea, like a geopolitical pervert. And honestly, Trevor,
Speaker 1: I don't get it. Why is she here? Why am
Speaker 1: I here? Why is anybody here? What are you guys
Speaker 1: even looking for? You think you're gonna see some thing
Speaker 1: that all the generals and the satellites missed. It's like, oh,
Speaker 1: look look they forgot to lock the gate. Let's go go. Now,
Speaker 1: what's an idiot? Honestly, what she's looking at? What? What
Speaker 1: is it? What? What you know? What? Let me just
Speaker 1: look out for myself, all right, let's oh, oh look
Speaker 1: it's it's Kim Joe one. And uh it looks like
Speaker 1: he's all watching me on the Daily Show. Oh maybe
Speaker 1: that guy's not all that bad after all. Hey Hey, hey, kemmy,
Speaker 1: y'all follow me back on I g Man. Anyway, the
Speaker 1: vice president was here to strengthen America's alliance with South Korea.
Speaker 1: Against North Korea. And let's just see how that worn
Speaker 1: an embarrassing gaff by Vice President Harris today when she
Speaker 1: affirmed America's alliance with the wrong Korea. So the United
Speaker 1: States shares a very important relationship, which is an alliance
Speaker 1: with the Republican of North Korea, and it is an
Speaker 1: alliance that is strong and enduring. Wow wow, wow. You
Speaker 1: think North Korea is South Korea? So I guess all
Speaker 1: Asian countries look the same to you, Madam Vice President?
Speaker 1: What's next? You're gonna mix me up with see Muliu?
Speaker 1: Huh seriously, can you could? Could you do that please?
Speaker 1: Because I would totally be fine with that. No, no,
Speaker 1: no, no no, I'm just joking. I'm just joking. What just joking?
Speaker 1: Everyone would just joking, okay about him? Vice President? Nobody
Speaker 1: give a hot time about this or we won't see
Speaker 1: her again for another six months. All right, back to you, Trevor. Hey,
Speaker 1: hey kid, hey kid, yo yo, yoh hey, why don't
Speaker 1: you check out my comedy special on Netflix? Yeah? Used
Speaker 1: to travel's password. It's I love big all right, right,
Speaker 1: thank you so much, froney chatting, Thank you so much,
Speaker 1: Ronnie checking everybody, maybe so much, not my podular, not
Speaker 1: my podular before we Go. Hurricane in as we spoke about,
Speaker 1: is one of the most powerful storms to hit the
Speaker 1: United States in decades. Right now, the Florida Disaster Relief
Speaker 1: Fund has been activated for response and recovery, so if
Speaker 1: you can help them, then please donates at the link
Speaker 1: below to support these efforts. What's the Daily Show weeknights
Speaker 1: at eleven tenth Central on Comedy Central. In stream full
Speaker 1: episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy
Speaker 1: Central podcast