Speaker 1: You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Girl. Hello, everyone,
Speaker 1: welcome to I Choose Me. Okay, So caregiving can be overwhelming,
Speaker 1: but you don't have to do it alone. In today's
Speaker 1: special I Choose Me episode, Debbie Matinopolis is going to
Speaker 1: share the tools and support systems and the mindset shifts
Speaker 1: that can make all the difference. So happy to have
Speaker 1: you with us again. Thank you so much. Our episode
Speaker 1: that we did a couple of days ago, it was
Speaker 1: very emotional.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we left.
Speaker 1: It all there, but right now I just want to
Speaker 1: deliver people some information and you are the perfect person
Speaker 1: to lay that out for us. So can we just
Speaker 1: jump right in?
Speaker 2: Yes, thank you so much.
Speaker 1: How can someone prepare emotionally and logistically before stepping into
Speaker 1: the role of caregiver?
Speaker 2: Okay, emotionally logistical, I think emotionally you need to be
Speaker 2: very be prepared about what you're about to do and
Speaker 2: be completely honest, rudely honest with yourself of how it's
Speaker 2: all going to go down. And that means what the good,
Speaker 2: the bad, and the ugly, because it's going to be hard.
Speaker 2: I'm not gonna sugarcoate it at all. It's going to
Speaker 2: be very difficult. The more you care about someone, the
Speaker 2: more difficult it is to be their caregiver. Yeah, so
Speaker 2: be prepared for that.
Speaker 1: Just know, just know that gives some thought.
Speaker 2: Yeah, give it some thought and understand this is what
Speaker 2: you're stepping into.
Speaker 1: Prepare yourself.
Speaker 2: Prepare yourself mentally. With that, I had to do that
Speaker 2: mentally and emotionally. I'd always prepare myself. Even when I
Speaker 2: like go out for a minute and come back, I'd
Speaker 2: be like, Okay, I'm going to step back into the house.
Speaker 2: I need I need to be strong for this person,
Speaker 2: because this person cannot be strong for themselves. That's number one.
Speaker 2: Number two. I think we talked about this in the
Speaker 2: last episode as well. You have to be an advocate
Speaker 2: for that person that you are the caregiver for because again,
Speaker 2: they don't have a voice, So you are the voice
Speaker 2: for them, whether that's the doctors that they're seeing every day,
Speaker 2: the hospital, if they're in a hospital, if you have
Speaker 2: help and there's caregivers at the house too, So you
Speaker 2: have to be the voice for them. They're also an
Speaker 2: advocate for yourself. That's why I am the ambassador for
Speaker 2: National Family Caregivers Month this November because I feel so
Speaker 2: strongly about the fact that having been in a caregiving
Speaker 2: position and not at that time, not knowing you're in
Speaker 2: a caregiving position, you're just being a good daughter. You
Speaker 2: realize if you don't put the defibrillator on yourself, everyone
Speaker 2: else around you's gonna die. So you have to make
Speaker 2: sure that you are taking care of yourself. You have
Speaker 2: to make sure you're eating, to make sure that you're
Speaker 2: taking even if it's five or ten minutes of just
Speaker 2: some peace and quiet for yourself, to quiet your brain
Speaker 2: and try to get back to your center, because you
Speaker 2: have to be at your center to be good for
Speaker 2: the person that you are caring for.
Speaker 1: Very good advice. What about like healthcare directives or power
Speaker 1: of attorney.
Speaker 2: Well, you have to accept what they want, as difficult
Speaker 2: as it is for you, and find some peace in
Speaker 2: it and find that you were able to.
Speaker 1: I think it's important too that you get you know
Speaker 1: that in enough advance before things get to the point
Speaker 1: where they aren't able to either clearly articulate it or
Speaker 1: even think it through themselves. If you know my mom's
Speaker 1: situation with Alzheimer's and dementia, you got to get ahead
Speaker 1: of that and get all your ducks in a row
Speaker 1: like legally to make sure that what they do want
Speaker 1: ultimately is what.
Speaker 2: Happens exactly, and also to you also, having said that,
Speaker 2: as difficult and as dark as it is, I would
Speaker 2: suggest having arrangements planned for the funeral. Do you want
Speaker 2: to be cremated? Do you want to be buried? Do
Speaker 2: you want to be and musleium? What exactly do you
Speaker 2: want us to do? Where do you want to be?
Speaker 2: Go get that plot of land, make sure it's all
Speaker 2: sort of buttoned up ahead of time. Because what happens
Speaker 2: is when someone does pass and listen, not everybody is
Speaker 2: an opportunity is given that kind of possibility. But if
Speaker 2: you have the option to do this, do it because
Speaker 2: as soon as someone's passes you, even no matter how
Speaker 2: prepared you are for this person to pass, it's your
Speaker 2: brain does crazy things and everybody is scrambling and everybody
Speaker 2: is heartbroken, and you're almost living in you're almost watching
Speaker 2: yourself live and go through the motions, and so it
Speaker 2: can be very difficult to plant yeah or you know,
Speaker 2: something like that. So just try to have as much
Speaker 2: of that as possible already set up.
Speaker 3: God advice, if you've been ghosted, divorced, or left for
Speaker 3: someone else, Snap out it. It's not for you to give
Speaker 3: some help by listening to us that I Do Part two.
Speaker 3: Listen to I Do Part two on the iHeartRadio app,
Speaker 3: Apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 1: What do you tell people, like, what's the first thing
Speaker 1: that they should do when they decide that they're going
Speaker 1: to become a full time caregiver for their person?
Speaker 2: Well, I would tell you this what I have done,
Speaker 2: what I have learned from the past of my father.
Speaker 2: There's so many different technologies out there now, there's a
Speaker 2: million different technologies that can help us that weren't around
Speaker 2: when you know, even ten years ago with my dad,
Speaker 2: they just weren't there. And every day there's a new app,
Speaker 2: there's a new like some sort of texting, there's cameras,
Speaker 2: there's this or that. There's something that I have been
Speaker 2: using that has been incredible, Jenny. It's called no most
Speaker 2: smart care, and it is it's non invasive because, for instance,
Speaker 2: with somebody like your mom who is and now your
Speaker 2: mom and now my mom, but your mom who's suffering
Speaker 2: from dementia and Alzheimer's is they don't want cameras in
Speaker 2: their house if you haven't noticed, they're not a big
Speaker 2: fan of having cameras. And when you get to that place,
Speaker 2: a lot of times you think people are spying on you.
Speaker 2: Not a good thing for somebody who may be having
Speaker 2: some sort of you know, memory loss. They're not into it.
Speaker 2: So with this, it's so non invasive. And my mom,
Speaker 2: who is thank goodness, she's still well, but she's older
Speaker 2: and she lives by herself. And now having lived having
Speaker 2: experienced that with my dad, I'm trying to get ahead
Speaker 2: of the game, like you said. So with no Moah
Speaker 2: Smart Care, they have these like tags and these these
Speaker 2: little satellites that they're basically like little plugins and you
Speaker 2: plug them into your wall, just like you would plug
Speaker 2: anything else in Okay, and a hub that's connected to them.
Speaker 2: And so it's like a it's emotion sensor. And there's
Speaker 2: an app on my phone where me and my sister
Speaker 2: and my brother all connected this app and we know
Speaker 2: what's happening inside of my mother's house and we this
Speaker 2: the the technology learns your loved ones behaviors, and the
Speaker 2: routines say, you have this tag on your mom's door,
Speaker 2: which is it's this big you can't see it. It's
Speaker 2: the same, the same sticker. It's like a sticker exactly. Okay,
Speaker 2: And you can put one on the refrigerator. You can
Speaker 2: put one on a pill box, you can put one
Speaker 2: on the bathroom door. You put the plugins like wherever
Speaker 2: she passes and walks by. Most of the time there
Speaker 2: you don't see them at all. But I know, like
Speaker 2: it'll it learns her patterns and it'll say, okay, mom
Speaker 2: got up to date at eight thirty. Tomorrow, Mom got
Speaker 2: up at eight thirty, and it goes, okay, well, what
Speaker 2: if Mom's starting to get up at nine thirty, which
Speaker 2: is going up at ten thirty. What if she didn't
Speaker 2: open the refrigerator to eat. That's weird.
Speaker 1: You're seeing all that like happen.
Speaker 2: So you're seeing that perhaps she's slowing down and you're like, okay, Mom,
Speaker 2: You're okay, it's weird. You're getting up later and later.
Speaker 2: Now you can see if she's eating, you can see
Speaker 2: she picked up her pill box and took her pill,
Speaker 2: or if she didn't take her pill, or if she
Speaker 2: took her pill twice. Because if you have memory loss
Speaker 2: and you forget these things, you can put them on
Speaker 2: the front door on the back door in case they
Speaker 2: walk out of their house and you're like, oh my gosh,
Speaker 2: she left the house at such and where is she?
Speaker 1: Where is she? Yeah, it gets wild when you can't
Speaker 1: you can't really trust the person, you know, you can't
Speaker 1: put your full belief in what they're telling you, because
Speaker 1: sometimes they don't. They're making it up or they thought
Speaker 1: they did it, or so. This sounds like a game
Speaker 1: changer for people who are at that phase where they're
Speaker 1: not ready their parents, not ready to not live the
Speaker 1: way they've.
Speaker 4: Always lived exactly. It's like a little buffer before the
Speaker 4: next exactly. And Okay, also it keeps you if something
Speaker 4: were to happen that hub that it's connected to that
Speaker 4: that kind of looks like.
Speaker 2: A Alexa thing.
Speaker 1: Uhh it.
Speaker 2: You can talk through it. So I could get on
Speaker 2: my app and be like mom, Mom, are you there?
Speaker 2: Which is cool.
Speaker 1: My mom would be like, what the hell?
Speaker 3: I know?
Speaker 2: Where are you? I know? It's that is you know?
Speaker 2: Is everything? Okay?
Speaker 1: Like.
Speaker 2: The reason this was so important to me when when
Speaker 2: I heard about it and I wanted to partner with
Speaker 2: them is because being far away and not being able
Speaker 2: to be there with her was one of the reasons
Speaker 2: I didn't see my dad slipping, Like when my brother
Speaker 2: and sister were like, oh, he's getting old, I said,
Speaker 2: he's not getting old. He's sixty eight years old. Why
Speaker 2: is he losing his gait? Why is he slurring? But
Speaker 2: I was across the country, so if I'd had something
Speaker 2: like this, I would have been alerted, like always getting
Speaker 2: up slower?
Speaker 3: Ah, is this that? You know?
Speaker 2: What I mean? I'm like, what's going on? And look,
Speaker 2: it was als Was it going to do anything? Likely not,
Speaker 2: because there's very little out there to even slow the progression,
Speaker 2: and certainly not a cure. So in my case, I
Speaker 2: would have just known earlier when I put him to
Speaker 2: the doctor earlier.
Speaker 1: But that's all great technology thought, that's exciting.
Speaker 2: Yeah, there are other cases where you do know if
Speaker 2: you know someone's health is starting to deteriorate a little bit.
Speaker 2: So I just you know, I wish I had had
Speaker 2: it then, But now I am all about it, and
Speaker 2: I am the biggest cheerleader of this, And I got
Speaker 2: to tell you, I'm gonna send it for your mom
Speaker 2: because you should have it on your mom's bedroom door,
Speaker 2: you should have in her pill case, have it on
Speaker 2: the fridge, because it still gives her anconomy because a
Speaker 2: time where you're not breathing down her neck and oh
Speaker 2: did you do this? Mom? Did you do that? Just
Speaker 2: check the check your you know app.
Speaker 1: Because she doesn't like that. Yeah, no, she wants to
Speaker 1: fill independent, even though it's not really realistic. We talked
Speaker 1: about this a little bit ago. Or caregiving can be
Speaker 1: very isolating, and you said that being your own advocate
Speaker 1: is really important. How what are like a couple of little,
Speaker 1: tiny ways that we can remember to take care of
Speaker 1: ourselves while we're also caring for our parents.
Speaker 2: Well, I think even look, it's hard. It's easy to say,
Speaker 2: get some time away for yourself, but it's also really
Speaker 2: difficult to actually do. Like we were talking about, I
Speaker 2: was on shifts, I was taking care of my dad.
Speaker 2: My mom would come home. Then I would go and
Speaker 2: do something. If you can't leave the house, take a bath,
Speaker 2: get in the bathtub, just sit there with yourself, sit
Speaker 2: there for a moment. Go outside and sit in the
Speaker 2: grass ground yourself. Take off your shoes and sit in
Speaker 2: nature in the sun. If you can't. Also, you know
Speaker 2: what else is interesting that my body started to really
Speaker 2: fall apart because I had to lift him so many times.
Speaker 2: And you know, because some people, whether they're have a
Speaker 2: long term illness or they're a wheelchairs or whatever it is,
Speaker 2: it's it could be very physically taxing. So do stretches.
Speaker 1: Stretches.
Speaker 2: Do need to stretch, because if you throw your back
Speaker 2: out like I did, then you're only you're slowing everybody down.
Speaker 2: Remember to you know, I don't know, jerk, meditate, eat
Speaker 2: like you may, yeah, because I exactly it was hardly eating.
Speaker 2: But you know something that really, something beautiful that could
Speaker 2: come out of that, and that did for me was
Speaker 2: journaling because I go back now and read what I
Speaker 2: was writing, and you don't remember any of that, Jenny,
Speaker 2: because you're so amrod. You're a good idea so bad
Speaker 2: and you're just trying to go through the motions. And
Speaker 2: when I would lay in bed after i'd know he
Speaker 2: was safe and sound and he's laying there and he's
Speaker 2: going to go to sleep, I would and i'd give
Speaker 2: him his medicine. I'd go upstairs and I would lay
Speaker 2: in bed and I would just meditate for a moment,
Speaker 2: just in peace, just quiet, just quiet my mind and
Speaker 2: my heart, and then I would I would journal about
Speaker 2: what happened today, How I'm feeling today, how I'm feeling
Speaker 2: about things? Am I remembering my childhood and remembering this,
Speaker 2: like and you go back and read it in some
Speaker 2: of the most beautiful stuff that you will ever have.
Speaker 2: I feel so I'm so happy I did that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but even more than just like going back and read,
Speaker 1: just getting it out of you in the moment so
Speaker 1: so so important.
Speaker 2: It's important because you need something and if you don't
Speaker 2: have anybody there to talk to, which I didn't, It
Speaker 2: was me and my mom. You know the Caregiver's Action Network,
Speaker 2: which is incredible. I'll give you all the information for them.
Speaker 2: They are incredible. They have a twenty four hour hotline.
Speaker 2: They they came to me and they said, we know
Speaker 2: your story. You want to partner with us? And I
Speaker 2: was like, a thousand million percent. You don't have to
Speaker 2: ask me twice. I want nothing from you, but I
Speaker 2: want to scream from the top of the mountains of
Speaker 2: how great you are and how helpful you are. And
Speaker 2: one of the reasons being is what I talked to
Speaker 2: you about is they are lobbying. Well, we're gonna lobby.
Speaker 2: They're discussing us going to Capitol Hill, and lobbying for
Speaker 2: caregivers leaf. We have maternity leaf, we have praternity leaf.
Speaker 2: Why don't we have caregivers leave. We've talked about it.
Speaker 2: We're fifty six over fifty six million people in America
Speaker 2: are caregivers to someone right now. That number is going
Speaker 2: to grow and as we get older, they're going to
Speaker 2: be more people on the planet and it's just going
Speaker 2: to continue. And we need to get ahead of this
Speaker 2: right now because so many people can't afford to do
Speaker 2: what I did, where they just got up and left
Speaker 2: and went and took care of their their loved one.
Speaker 2: And not only can they not afford it, but the
Speaker 2: loved one can't afford to be in a living facility,
Speaker 2: a living assistant living facility either. So somebody has to
Speaker 2: look after these people. So why haven't we as a
Speaker 2: nation come together already to say this is super important.
Speaker 2: It's as important at the beginning of a life from
Speaker 2: maternity leave and paternity leave as it is at the
Speaker 2: end of a life. And we're so wild, it's like's forgotten. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 2: because this is going to happen to all of us,
Speaker 2: all of us. We're all going to get there someday
Speaker 2: and we need to show the same amount of grace
Speaker 2: and respect to our loved ones who are passing as
Speaker 2: to the loved ones who are just being born. And unfortunately, employers,
Speaker 2: well they don't care. We're all replaceable, all of us.
Speaker 2: So when you say, hey, my mom's sick, I got it.
Speaker 2: Would it be okay if I took a few weeks off?
Speaker 2: They're cutting already, they're looking down on You're like, a
Speaker 2: few weeks off. You know, the productivity around here is
Speaker 2: gonna slip. So you go take the few weeks off.
Speaker 2: A few weeks turns into three externs of four weeks.
Speaker 2: You come back, your loved ones passed away, and you
Speaker 2: don't have a job. How has that help been?
Speaker 1: Not great? Not great? We talked about that earlier, Like
Speaker 1: you said, through this organization, you can get that support
Speaker 1: because what if you are doing this alone and what
Speaker 1: if you don't have anybody to talk to or to
Speaker 1: laugh with. You know, I think that's that's a great
Speaker 1: thing that you're doing, supporting that and putting that out
Speaker 1: there for people. Tell me again what it's called.
Speaker 2: It's called Caregivers Action Network. They are incredible. They're out
Speaker 2: of DC and they're incredible. Like what they are doing
Speaker 2: to change the game and to change the face of caregivers.
Speaker 2: I think for the most part, people don't think you're
Speaker 2: a caregiver and I'm a caregiver. They don't look at
Speaker 2: you and I and go, oh, that's a caregiver. No,
Speaker 2: they think caregivers are someone who's been hired to come
Speaker 2: into the house to help your loved one.
Speaker 1: R and scrubs like somebody in an outfit, right that
Speaker 1: comes with the.
Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly who comes with the you know, the arm
Speaker 2: cough to take your blood pressure, or it's the person
Speaker 2: who works at a assistant living facil Those are the
Speaker 2: type of people that are you know, dubbed caregivers when
Speaker 2: in all actuality, caregivers are you. They're me, They're my
Speaker 2: sister or my brother. There's anybody who is looking after
Speaker 2: someone who might have a terminal illness, might have you know,
Speaker 2: it's just an age and loved one by a nerd divergent. Now,
Speaker 2: people who have nerdivergent children, who have autistic children, they're caregivers.
Speaker 1: I mean as moms were caregivers.
Speaker 2: Caregivers for moms. So, by the way, even though the
Speaker 2: smart technology that I've been using one other reason I
Speaker 2: love is some moth is because the founder actually, you know,
Speaker 2: out of the mother invention is necessity. And he actually
Speaker 2: created this because his father passed away of a stroke.
Speaker 2: Do you hear my dog work? His father passed away
Speaker 2: of a stroke and had we all know the first
Speaker 2: five hours of a stroke are the most important, So
Speaker 2: had he had something like this in the house, he
Speaker 2: would his dad could have pushed the panic button and
Speaker 2: someone would have been there. But you know, so even
Speaker 2: though he created it because of for you know, terminally
Speaker 2: ill people or for aging adults, in a roundabout way,
Speaker 2: it's actually now helping so many more people because it's
Speaker 2: also helping mothers web kids who have autism that are
Speaker 2: growing up, that have graduated high school and can go
Speaker 2: in the workforce, and they're not They're capable enough of
Speaker 2: living alone and having a job, but not capable of
Speaker 2: enough of not having someone also look after them.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: So a friend of mine put it in her son's
Speaker 2: house and she's like, I cannot thank you enough because
Speaker 2: now it just gives me piece.
Speaker 1: Of peace of mind. Yes, oh my gosh, you've given
Speaker 1: us so many helpful things to think about, like helpful tips,
Speaker 1: and this app and the sticker thing. I you know,
Speaker 1: I know you've helped me a lot with this conversation.
Speaker 2: Listen, I want you to know that my phone is
Speaker 2: always on. I'm always here for you at any time,
Speaker 2: because it can get really heavy and when you're in
Speaker 2: it and you need someone to talk to, it's much
Speaker 2: easier to talk to someone who's been there and you
Speaker 2: can see the end of the tunnel and say, yeah,
Speaker 2: got this, you're.
Speaker 1: I think that's another thing that you're giving us is that,
Speaker 1: you know, be that for somebody else that's about to
Speaker 1: do it. That's really kind. Thank you so much for
Speaker 1: all your time, Debbie. We really appreciate you, and I
Speaker 1: hope that we'll be able to link what you're talking
Speaker 1: about in our show notes so that people know where
Speaker 1: to find this kind of help.
Speaker 2: I would love that we'll link the phone number and
Speaker 2: we'll link the websites. I mean, they're super important and
Speaker 2: they're there twenty four hours a day. They're great.
Speaker 1: Great. Thank you so much, Debbie.
Speaker 4: Thank you, Jenny, love you, love you.