1 00:00:00,880 --> 00:00:03,760 Speaker 1: Welcome to the Tutor Dixon Podcast. As you all know, 2 00:00:04,160 --> 00:00:06,440 Speaker 1: we spend a lot of time on this podcast talking 3 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:10,000 Speaker 1: about family and raising kids and the challenges with raising kids. 4 00:00:10,480 --> 00:00:13,640 Speaker 1: And I know the challenges of raising kids because obviously 5 00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:16,319 Speaker 1: I have four children, And just last night I was 6 00:00:16,360 --> 00:00:18,919 Speaker 1: at an event and I'm talking about the challenges of 7 00:00:19,040 --> 00:00:22,720 Speaker 1: getting kids every place, and like driving kids from school 8 00:00:23,079 --> 00:00:25,880 Speaker 1: and to home and then back to school to get 9 00:00:25,920 --> 00:00:27,520 Speaker 1: a different kid, and then to a different school to 10 00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:30,000 Speaker 1: get a different kid. And I'm like, man, this is 11 00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:33,960 Speaker 1: really hard. And then I think about my generation is 12 00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:37,239 Speaker 1: actually making parenting like way harder, and I think the 13 00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:40,040 Speaker 1: reason we're making parenting harder is honestly because there are 14 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:43,080 Speaker 1: things like Pinterest. So I suddenly over the weekend find 15 00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:45,839 Speaker 1: myself spending the weekend trying to catch a leprechaun. And 16 00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:49,000 Speaker 1: I know that this is because I've made parenting harder, 17 00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:51,120 Speaker 1: and so I decided I would bring in an expert 18 00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:54,840 Speaker 1: to tell me that I am definitely making parenting harder, 19 00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:57,880 Speaker 1: and we all are probably making parenting harder, but this 20 00:00:57,920 --> 00:01:00,000 Speaker 1: is really to make us feel like there's a better 21 00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:02,800 Speaker 1: way of doing things. So I am excited because Tim 22 00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:06,800 Speaker 1: Carney is a senior fellow at the American Enterprise Institute 23 00:01:06,840 --> 00:01:09,720 Speaker 1: and a columnist at the Washington Examiner, and he's with 24 00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:13,760 Speaker 1: me today. His latest book is called Family Unfriendly. I'm 25 00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:16,280 Speaker 1: going to hold it up here, how our culture made 26 00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:19,360 Speaker 1: raising kits much harder than it needs to be. And 27 00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:23,360 Speaker 1: it was just released on March nineteenth. Thank you so 28 00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:27,040 Speaker 1: much for being here with me today. Tell me how 29 00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:27,560 Speaker 1: bad is it? 30 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:28,520 Speaker 2: What are we doing wrong? 31 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:29,360 Speaker 1: Thank you? 32 00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:33,680 Speaker 3: And definitely stop chasing leprechauns for all sorts of reasons. 33 00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:36,840 Speaker 3: But so to start with, I mean, I think that 34 00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:40,399 Speaker 3: there's a broad cultural problem. You see it in childhood anxiety, 35 00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:42,960 Speaker 3: which has been declared an epidemic. You see it in 36 00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:46,000 Speaker 3: rising adult stress levels. You see it in falling birth rates, 37 00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:49,760 Speaker 3: record low birth rates in the United States. And some 38 00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:52,760 Speaker 3: people think it's just about economics. I don't think that's right. 39 00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:54,440 Speaker 3: I think that's part of the story. Some people think 40 00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:56,960 Speaker 3: it's about the young people today are just selfish. I 41 00:01:57,000 --> 00:01:59,000 Speaker 3: also don't think that's right. I think it's our culture 42 00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:03,240 Speaker 3: and foods, parenting culture. It also includes how much our 43 00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:06,880 Speaker 3: culture supports families, and it includes mating and dating culture, 44 00:02:06,880 --> 00:02:09,360 Speaker 3: which prevents twenty year olds from getting married. We can 45 00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:12,560 Speaker 3: talk about those later, but the parenting culture is just 46 00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:16,000 Speaker 3: it's way too intensive. First of all, the league gives 47 00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:20,120 Speaker 3: way to intensive and expensive travel sports, and then there's helicoptering, 48 00:02:20,360 --> 00:02:23,960 Speaker 3: and then there's the what I call the mom fluencers 49 00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:26,280 Speaker 3: who set these crazy expectations of. 50 00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:28,799 Speaker 2: All the chasing leprechauns, even. 51 00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:31,320 Speaker 3: Worse than chasing leprechauns, and the idea that your children 52 00:02:31,520 --> 00:02:34,840 Speaker 3: should always be in perfectly match outfits, and that your 53 00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:37,639 Speaker 3: house is always clean. But you know that it's all 54 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:41,120 Speaker 3: naturally posed because they're at a farmhouse with exposed rafters, 55 00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:43,880 Speaker 3: so it must just be normal to be a ballerina 56 00:02:43,919 --> 00:02:47,000 Speaker 3: who makes homemade grilled cheese sandwiches for your kids every day. 57 00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:50,240 Speaker 3: All of these expectations add to the anxiety for parents 58 00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:50,880 Speaker 3: and kids. 59 00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:54,760 Speaker 1: No, it is true because if we as parents today, 60 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:58,320 Speaker 1: we are constantly bombarded with the Bento box lunch where 61 00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:01,080 Speaker 1: the kids are eating like this perfect lunch and mom 62 00:03:01,120 --> 00:03:05,920 Speaker 1: has made cucumber sandwiches and homemade hummus and everything that 63 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:08,639 Speaker 1: she somehow whipped up that morning and put into the 64 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:11,400 Speaker 1: Meno box. And you see that as a mom, and 65 00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:14,079 Speaker 1: if you can't meet those standards, you feel like, oh 66 00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:18,359 Speaker 1: my gosh, I'm missing out on something, and so we're constantly, 67 00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:22,000 Speaker 1: I think, as parents today, we're constantly being pushed to. 68 00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:22,760 Speaker 2: The next level. 69 00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:26,760 Speaker 1: And it's not something that I grew up with because 70 00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:29,480 Speaker 1: my mom was never seeing what was inside of the 71 00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:32,560 Speaker 1: mom's house next door. She literally never saw it, and 72 00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:35,560 Speaker 1: I wasn't coming home and being like, you know, Kathy 73 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:37,880 Speaker 1: came to school with a lunch. 74 00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:42,120 Speaker 4: Box filled with special like toothpicks that were the shapes 75 00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:45,760 Speaker 4: of unicorns inside of her kprase salad for a seven 76 00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:48,840 Speaker 4: year old, you know, which is not it's not unheard of. 77 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:51,520 Speaker 1: These are the things that I see, and as a mom, 78 00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:55,200 Speaker 1: I'm shocked. But also at the same time, as kids 79 00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:58,080 Speaker 1: are getting older, I sort of had this like weird 80 00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:01,600 Speaker 1: expectation that, you know, four kids when my kids were 81 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:04,040 Speaker 1: little was a lot because my youngest are twins, so 82 00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:07,920 Speaker 1: it's like, you know, two tiny people, and then it's 83 00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:11,160 Speaker 1: like twenty four months, twenty two months to the next one, 84 00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:13,360 Speaker 1: and then twenty four months to the next one. So 85 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:17,160 Speaker 1: everybody is about two years apart in my family, and 86 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:21,520 Speaker 1: I kept thinking, this gets easier at some point, but 87 00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:24,720 Speaker 1: then you add in these sports and it's suddenly like 88 00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:29,320 Speaker 1: we have sports all week long. And I mean, obviously, 89 00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:32,200 Speaker 1: with four kids, you have more than the average two 90 00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:35,320 Speaker 1: person or two child family. But some of these sports 91 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:38,120 Speaker 1: are getting really out of control. But the pressure to 92 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:40,360 Speaker 1: have them in these sports because we're told they can't 93 00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:42,279 Speaker 1: get into college, they'll never have a future if they're 94 00:04:42,279 --> 00:04:44,680 Speaker 1: not in these sports, even though likely these sports will 95 00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:46,360 Speaker 1: never be in their life when they're adults. 96 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:49,000 Speaker 3: No, And so part of the problem is we forget 97 00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:53,000 Speaker 3: the point of youth sports. And the first point is 98 00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:56,839 Speaker 3: that they're fun. And you know little league obviously, but 99 00:04:57,000 --> 00:05:00,120 Speaker 3: still sports are supposed to be fun for kids when 100 00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:02,320 Speaker 3: they get a little older. They are fun to watch. 101 00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:04,880 Speaker 3: I love going to my kids baseball games and that 102 00:05:04,920 --> 00:05:07,360 Speaker 3: sort of thing. And when I got to coach kindergarten 103 00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:09,800 Speaker 3: girls basketball, that was a different sort of fun. It 104 00:05:09,839 --> 00:05:13,160 Speaker 3: was hilarious. It was hard to stop laughing. But what 105 00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:17,000 Speaker 3: you forget sometimes is that the point isn't to make 106 00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:19,840 Speaker 3: them into all stars. The point isn't to get them 107 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:23,760 Speaker 3: view one scholarship. It's that sports builds virtue. Sports gets 108 00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:26,719 Speaker 3: them running around. Sports gives them an idea of teamwork. 109 00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:29,320 Speaker 3: It gives them coaches who are other possible adult role 110 00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:32,640 Speaker 3: models who haven't spent all day telling them to clean 111 00:05:32,839 --> 00:05:36,520 Speaker 3: their room and do their homeworketc. And so what I 112 00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:40,240 Speaker 3: write about my chapter one writes about the travel team 113 00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:44,760 Speaker 3: track that these local sports coached by volunteer mom and 114 00:05:44,839 --> 00:05:50,800 Speaker 3: dads get replaced by intensive, expensive sports that can destroy 115 00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:54,680 Speaker 3: family culture because suddenly there's a tournament every other weekend 116 00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:59,920 Speaker 3: over in Wisconsin. Yes, that's absolutely disruptive to the family, 117 00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:03,640 Speaker 3: the family culture. So I'm all in favor of kids, 118 00:06:03,839 --> 00:06:07,240 Speaker 3: you know, being busy playing all these sports, but sometimes 119 00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:09,200 Speaker 3: you have to think what is the best team for 120 00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:12,159 Speaker 3: my kid? My argument is the best team for your 121 00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:15,240 Speaker 3: kid is the one that practices across the street or 122 00:06:15,279 --> 00:06:17,560 Speaker 3: the one that practices after school so you don't have 123 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:19,760 Speaker 3: to drive them to another practice. 124 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:23,080 Speaker 1: Well, and what is that doing to the other kids 125 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:25,440 Speaker 1: in the family, Because I've just started to kind of 126 00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:27,640 Speaker 1: step back and look at this. When we have one 127 00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:31,159 Speaker 1: of our kids that we're going on weekend trips with, 128 00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:34,680 Speaker 1: we always have a child who's not playing that sport, 129 00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:37,800 Speaker 1: that gets dragged along, and then that spent that time 130 00:06:37,839 --> 00:06:42,240 Speaker 1: outside with friends, that time just exploring, that time crafting, 131 00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:45,159 Speaker 1: all of that time is now in the car now 132 00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:48,360 Speaker 1: in the hotel room. It just seems like it is 133 00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:51,880 Speaker 1: taking away something from my other child if I'm doing 134 00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:53,839 Speaker 1: this with these exactly. 135 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:56,400 Speaker 3: And I actually my son used to play baseball with 136 00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:58,920 Speaker 3: this kid who explained that they never get to go 137 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:02,520 Speaker 3: to their lake house because he plays travel baseball in 138 00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:05,080 Speaker 3: two different teams all summer. So imagine that you own 139 00:07:05,279 --> 00:07:07,680 Speaker 3: a lake house in the summer, you don't get to 140 00:07:07,839 --> 00:07:11,120 Speaker 3: use it because of this. And so those experiences of 141 00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:15,680 Speaker 3: long lazy summer days to get lost, or the experience 142 00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:18,320 Speaker 3: of trying a new sport or just playing a pickup game, 143 00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:22,160 Speaker 3: or just being bored at home, those get lost with 144 00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:25,120 Speaker 3: these intensive childhood And in fact, the Journal of Pediatrics 145 00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:27,240 Speaker 3: recently came out with the study saying the rise in 146 00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:31,800 Speaker 3: childhood anxiety is caused it's not so much pressure from parents, 147 00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:37,440 Speaker 3: it's the lack of independent play free from adult supervision. So, 148 00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:40,960 Speaker 3: in other words, an essential element to healthy childhood is 149 00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:44,640 Speaker 3: being bored or wandering around or making up your own 150 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:47,280 Speaker 3: stupid game with a whiffle ball and a basketball hoop 151 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:48,720 Speaker 3: in a tennis racket or something. 152 00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:53,080 Speaker 1: I actually am gonna call out my own relative here 153 00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:56,160 Speaker 1: because we went to visit my mom and my sister. 154 00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,760 Speaker 1: In February, we had winter break, and so we went 155 00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:01,600 Speaker 1: down to Florida to spend and time with them. And 156 00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:03,600 Speaker 1: we live in a neighborhood where the kids do just 157 00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:06,640 Speaker 1: go out and play, and my mom and my sister 158 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:08,760 Speaker 1: live in the same neighborhood. So we said, we're going 159 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:11,440 Speaker 1: to go over to her house. And we walked over 160 00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:15,080 Speaker 1: there and we got there and my sister was like, 161 00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:15,760 Speaker 1: how did. 162 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:17,640 Speaker 2: You get here? And I'm like, we walked over here. 163 00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:19,280 Speaker 2: She was like, what do you mean you walked? Why 164 00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:20,000 Speaker 2: would you walk? 165 00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:25,000 Speaker 1: And I was like, you know, it's just so because 166 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:27,800 Speaker 1: I think we've spent and you commented on this in 167 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:30,280 Speaker 1: your book, and you wrote about this, and I thought, 168 00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:34,280 Speaker 1: we have spent so much time focused on getting in 169 00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:36,640 Speaker 1: the car and getting to the next place that we 170 00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:39,840 Speaker 1: have forgotten. And I think from Michigan going to Florida 171 00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:42,880 Speaker 1: in Michigan so rare that we do get to just 172 00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:45,840 Speaker 1: walk some place because it's freezing half of the time. 173 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:48,520 Speaker 1: We're like, we're going to take advantage of this and walk, 174 00:08:48,679 --> 00:08:52,080 Speaker 1: you know, But we've become a culture that you don't 175 00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:55,199 Speaker 1: do that anymore. And you also talk about how communities 176 00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:57,240 Speaker 1: aren't really built for that. And I will say, as 177 00:08:57,280 --> 00:08:59,760 Speaker 1: much as my kids go out and play in our community, 178 00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:03,160 Speaker 1: we are on a main road and there are no 179 00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:05,800 Speaker 1: sidewalks in our community, and so when they're playing, they're 180 00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:07,839 Speaker 1: riding bikes in the street and they don't leave the 181 00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:10,680 Speaker 1: neighborhood because they don't go on the main road. 182 00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:12,720 Speaker 2: How did that happen to us? 183 00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:17,280 Speaker 3: So I think there's just this obsession with efficiency that 184 00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:21,000 Speaker 3: we decided and this is I think the planner, the 185 00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:24,439 Speaker 3: central planner mindst And there are novels, I mean historical 186 00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:28,319 Speaker 3: books about Robert Moses building the highwaysist building the suburbs, 187 00:09:28,679 --> 00:09:31,600 Speaker 3: but building the suburbs to be car centric, and that 188 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:34,840 Speaker 3: roads cars should travel fast, and your neighborhood should just 189 00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:37,160 Speaker 3: be a neighborhood and a couple of culed the sacks 190 00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:39,000 Speaker 3: connected to each other. If there's enough kids. It's this 191 00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:42,400 Speaker 3: great little world that can be awesome for kids, but 192 00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:43,960 Speaker 3: it's cutting them off from the rest of the world. 193 00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:46,040 Speaker 3: Where we used to live in Maryland, you couldn't get 194 00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:49,040 Speaker 3: anywhere without crossing four lanes in either direction. So then 195 00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:51,839 Speaker 3: we find it A. We're driving our kids because they're 196 00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:54,920 Speaker 3: going further away. B were driving them because it's unsafe 197 00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:59,000 Speaker 3: for them to walk and see, then this creates a 198 00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:01,160 Speaker 3: culture in which fewer CA kids are out there playing. 199 00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:04,520 Speaker 3: So yeah, thankfully my wife and I have six kids, 200 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:06,200 Speaker 3: so they can kind of make their own three on 201 00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:08,240 Speaker 3: three game if we sick them out in the backyard. 202 00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:13,920 Speaker 3: But it really is we started prioritizing cars over kids. 203 00:10:14,120 --> 00:10:16,360 Speaker 3: And in some place in one of my old neighborhoods, 204 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:20,600 Speaker 3: they objected to sidewalks in this one neighborhood and one parents, 205 00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:22,000 Speaker 3: I just want my kid to be able to walk 206 00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:25,280 Speaker 3: to school, not in the road somebody else. Yeah, this 207 00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:27,720 Speaker 3: will chop down my cherry trees if you do this. 208 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,959 Speaker 3: So what about my kids? And so your kids shouldn't 209 00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:32,160 Speaker 3: be walking to school alone anyway. 210 00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:35,320 Speaker 2: Oh no, this is the new. 211 00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:38,200 Speaker 1: I mean, this is how it is because so, I, 212 00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:40,960 Speaker 1: like I said, I'm a I'm a gen x or 213 00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:44,320 Speaker 1: so I grew up where you know, you could do whatever. 214 00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:46,199 Speaker 1: Your parents just told me to come in when it 215 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:46,640 Speaker 1: was dark. 216 00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:48,160 Speaker 2: Yes, exactly. 217 00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:51,760 Speaker 1: So we lived in this neighborhood called Green Trails, and 218 00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:54,360 Speaker 1: there were literally trails through all the houses where you 219 00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:56,719 Speaker 1: could walk, you could ride your bike, and it was 220 00:10:56,760 --> 00:10:59,000 Speaker 1: a huge I mean, you know when you're a kid, 221 00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:01,400 Speaker 1: you think something's huge, but when I mean it really 222 00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:06,040 Speaker 1: was a huge expansive area where there were trails for 223 00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:09,160 Speaker 1: miles and we could actually but we did. We went 224 00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:12,199 Speaker 1: up to the four way stop that was you know, 225 00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:15,160 Speaker 1: four lanes of traffic, and we crossed the road and 226 00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:17,880 Speaker 1: I can remember even going there was this store that 227 00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:19,199 Speaker 1: was like a seven to eleven. It was called the 228 00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:22,320 Speaker 1: White Hen Pantry, and we would take money from my mom. 229 00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:23,880 Speaker 1: She would give us a few bucks. We would go 230 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:26,400 Speaker 1: up there and buy lemons, and I can remember getting 231 00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:28,800 Speaker 1: yelled at by the woman who would sell me the 232 00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:30,040 Speaker 1: lemons because she was like. 233 00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:32,520 Speaker 2: Does your mother know you're up here? This is going 234 00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:34,360 Speaker 2: to ruin the enamel on your teeth. 235 00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:37,480 Speaker 1: Like that is so funny to me now because now 236 00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:39,839 Speaker 1: they would freak out that I went to the White 237 00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:42,600 Speaker 1: Hen Pantry by myself, Like she would be like, how 238 00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:44,600 Speaker 1: why would your mother let you come up here? 239 00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:46,840 Speaker 3: You know, and back then she was afraid that you 240 00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:49,000 Speaker 3: were subsisting on a diet of citrus only. 241 00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:51,760 Speaker 1: Yes, I was like, oh my gosh, this is the 242 00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:54,200 Speaker 1: worst thing you could possibly do. How could your mother 243 00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:57,280 Speaker 1: be so. 244 00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:58,559 Speaker 3: So I've lived in neighborhoods where the police get called 245 00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:01,320 Speaker 3: because parents left there ten year old with their little 246 00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:03,920 Speaker 3: brother walked to the playground alone, and so that needs 247 00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:08,760 Speaker 3: to change. In some places. Utah passed a basic law 248 00:12:08,840 --> 00:12:13,520 Speaker 3: basically legalizing free range parenting, but in other states, in Connecticut, 249 00:12:13,559 --> 00:12:15,520 Speaker 3: for instance, you couldn't leave your fourteen year old to 250 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:19,199 Speaker 3: babysit your twelve year old. That would be called childliglack. 251 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:21,480 Speaker 3: And so some states haven't. I don't know Florida if 252 00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:23,960 Speaker 3: they haven't done something should be more explicit that a 253 00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:28,120 Speaker 3: parent can't be held liable for doing something that's basically safe, 254 00:12:28,160 --> 00:12:30,000 Speaker 3: just because there's some people who are going to freak 255 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:30,520 Speaker 3: out about it. 256 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:33,880 Speaker 1: That when my girls were really little, so the twins 257 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:38,040 Speaker 1: were tiny, and they were still napping, and my oldest 258 00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:40,840 Speaker 1: was outside plane she was probably like four years old, 259 00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:43,160 Speaker 1: and she was on the play set in our backyard 260 00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:45,640 Speaker 1: and I was in the window and the twins were 261 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:48,360 Speaker 1: in front of me and their little bassinet sleeping, and 262 00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:51,680 Speaker 1: I'm watching her. And I had a neighbor come to 263 00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:53,440 Speaker 1: the front door and say, I'm going to have to 264 00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:56,280 Speaker 1: call the police if you allow your child to play 265 00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:59,720 Speaker 1: outside by herself again, and I might I'm watching her. 266 00:13:01,559 --> 00:13:04,840 Speaker 3: That is insane. And so this is exactly what I 267 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:08,800 Speaker 3: mean by family unfriendly, This bizarre expectation that the parents 268 00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:13,160 Speaker 3: are the secret service agents constantly hovering over kids. You 269 00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:18,040 Speaker 3: see this in There was recently a study showing that 270 00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:21,520 Speaker 3: how much the school closures harmed kids and didn't prevent 271 00:13:21,559 --> 00:13:24,720 Speaker 3: anybody from getting COVID. And when some of us started 272 00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:27,000 Speaker 3: commenting on this, back came the comments we were getting 273 00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,839 Speaker 3: in twenty twenty saying, Oh, I'm sorry that you have 274 00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:32,439 Speaker 3: to spend time with your children, or hey, you're admitting 275 00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:34,920 Speaker 3: that's spending too much time with you is bad for 276 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:37,559 Speaker 3: your kids. And we're saying, we're admitting that kids need 277 00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:40,160 Speaker 3: to get out, they need to talk to other people, 278 00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:43,120 Speaker 3: they need more than just two adults in their lives. 279 00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:46,280 Speaker 3: But so that insane expectation that parenting is a twenty 280 00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:50,000 Speaker 3: four to seven constant source of stress that gets put 281 00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:55,440 Speaker 3: throughout media and social media, that does actually deter people 282 00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:59,040 Speaker 3: from raising from having kids. I conducted while writing this book. 283 00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:02,440 Speaker 3: I conducted focus groups and multiple of the young men 284 00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:05,000 Speaker 3: who don't yet have kids said, well, I don't want 285 00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:06,880 Speaker 3: to just give them the bare minimum, or I don't 286 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,480 Speaker 3: want to be the absentee mom who misses my daughter's 287 00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:13,480 Speaker 3: softball game. So that expectation, some of it through social media, 288 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:16,120 Speaker 3: as you're saying, trickles down and makes parenting seem so 289 00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:19,440 Speaker 3: much harder. They need to be given expectation that well. 290 00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:23,000 Speaker 3: Time with kids is sometimes like playing basketball against your kids, 291 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:25,760 Speaker 3: which is awesome when your kid is you know, barely 292 00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:28,320 Speaker 3: comes up to your chest and you can dunk on 293 00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:32,120 Speaker 3: them all day. But it's also going to barbecues and 294 00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:34,240 Speaker 3: your kids run around the neighborhood and then when you 295 00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:35,840 Speaker 3: whistle at the end of the night, they come home 296 00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:37,640 Speaker 3: and you get in the car and go home. That 297 00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:41,720 Speaker 3: these that parenting isn't this twenty four to seven slog 298 00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:45,080 Speaker 3: and that children actually need independence. Those messages I think 299 00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:48,200 Speaker 3: would make young people more open to having kids and 300 00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:49,080 Speaker 3: having more kids. 301 00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:52,000 Speaker 1: Let's take a quick commercial break. Will continue next on 302 00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:58,280 Speaker 1: a Tutor Dixon podcast. How much is this that we 303 00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:02,680 Speaker 1: see terrible and terrible things are highlighted now more so 304 00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:05,480 Speaker 1: than ever before because you have this constant flow of 305 00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:09,240 Speaker 1: information on your phone, whether it's on X or Instagram 306 00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:09,720 Speaker 1: or whatever. 307 00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:11,960 Speaker 2: You see these kids get taken. 308 00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:15,200 Speaker 1: Or something happens and there's a fight in the street 309 00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:20,040 Speaker 1: or something that parents are just they become these helicopter parents. 310 00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:23,480 Speaker 1: And honestly, I do think that probably you see the 311 00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:26,160 Speaker 1: same thing with having six having four kids. Once you 312 00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:28,760 Speaker 1: have four kids, you're like, I mean, there's more of 313 00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:31,200 Speaker 1: you than me, So we're gonna let you guys play 314 00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:33,960 Speaker 1: a little bit and kind of you know, I gave 315 00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:36,320 Speaker 1: birth to four of you to play together, have fun, 316 00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:40,000 Speaker 1: go outside. But I do think that people are having 317 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:43,400 Speaker 1: fewer children, and then when you just have one or two, 318 00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:45,480 Speaker 1: you become sort of obsessed with that. 319 00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:50,560 Speaker 3: So the causality always goes in both ways, that these 320 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:54,600 Speaker 3: demands for helicopter and these over ambitious parenting leads people 321 00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:58,120 Speaker 3: to have fewer kids, and then having fewer kids leads 322 00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:01,720 Speaker 3: people to do more of this far too intensive parenting. 323 00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:05,120 Speaker 3: And that absolutely happens. And I point in the book 324 00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:08,760 Speaker 3: to study sort of establishing that that's a circle. And 325 00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:12,160 Speaker 3: then sociologists think this is good. I quote Isabel saw 326 00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:15,760 Speaker 3: all the sociologists at workings institutions saying falling birth rates 327 00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:19,160 Speaker 3: in a wealthy country are a good sign that parents 328 00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:23,400 Speaker 3: are having fewer kids and investing more in them, choosing 329 00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:27,200 Speaker 3: quality over quantity. So the implication there tutors that you 330 00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:30,720 Speaker 3: and I went the quantity route rather than the quality route. 331 00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:34,280 Speaker 3: But also it's not high quality. It's bad for the 332 00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:36,880 Speaker 3: pot and bad for the kids. 333 00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:40,680 Speaker 1: I mean, I could see I can see that argument. 334 00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:44,520 Speaker 1: But at the same time, I see the girls. I 335 00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:48,120 Speaker 1: have four girls, so I see them having to learn 336 00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:50,800 Speaker 1: how to negotiate with one another, having to learn how 337 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:54,280 Speaker 1: to have conversations on their level and kind of get 338 00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:57,000 Speaker 1: each other to do what they want because there's there's 339 00:16:57,080 --> 00:17:00,000 Speaker 1: always a little conflict that they have to figure out 340 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:03,720 Speaker 1: on their own, which can be incredibly frustrating. But at 341 00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:06,840 Speaker 1: the same time, I think that's teaching them a lot. 342 00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:09,719 Speaker 1: And I also think I get that, you know, they 343 00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:12,040 Speaker 1: would have had more. I mean, I remember when my 344 00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:16,040 Speaker 1: oldest was a newborn. The amount of attention that I 345 00:17:16,119 --> 00:17:19,399 Speaker 1: spent with her was insane. And I remember my husband 346 00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:21,520 Speaker 1: walking in and looking at him and I had been 347 00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:24,040 Speaker 1: looking at this tiny face all day and I looked 348 00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:25,360 Speaker 1: at him and I was like, oh, my gosh, your 349 00:17:25,359 --> 00:17:28,199 Speaker 1: face is huge, like because I had only looked at 350 00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:31,960 Speaker 1: her all day long, and it was like my sole focus, 351 00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:35,280 Speaker 1: you know. And so from that standpoint, I'm like, I 352 00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:38,560 Speaker 1: could have become completely obsessed with just her but then 353 00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:41,399 Speaker 1: by the time I have her and another one and 354 00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:44,160 Speaker 1: then twins. I mean with the twins. I remember at 355 00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:47,120 Speaker 1: one point like if my oldest had eaten dog food, 356 00:17:47,119 --> 00:17:49,240 Speaker 1: I would have like completely freaked out right. And at 357 00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:51,520 Speaker 1: one point the twins were eating the dog for my moms, like, 358 00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:53,159 Speaker 1: they're eating the dog food, and I was like, I 359 00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:56,280 Speaker 1: mean the dog eats it, how bad could it be? 360 00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:02,040 Speaker 3: Absolutely, it's what I called good spoiling of kids. Now 361 00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:04,119 Speaker 3: I do some bad spoiling. My seven year old he 362 00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:06,320 Speaker 3: was carrying her downstairs the other day, and my oldest said, 363 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:09,440 Speaker 3: when I was seven, I was carrying the other two downstairs. 364 00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:11,280 Speaker 3: So that's the case where I'm like, Okay, I need 365 00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:13,800 Speaker 3: to give her a little more independence. But if the 366 00:18:13,840 --> 00:18:17,880 Speaker 3: spoiling is ignoring them and letting them be, and that's 367 00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:20,959 Speaker 3: a good spoiling. You know, they're picking up more germs 368 00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:24,760 Speaker 3: and building up their immune system, they're learning, they're broadening 369 00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:29,560 Speaker 3: their palate by eating dog food. But also they're one 370 00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:31,199 Speaker 3: of the women I quote in the book, one of 371 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:35,080 Speaker 3: the moms says, boredom is a muse in my house. 372 00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:38,760 Speaker 3: It's the it's the muse of coming up with new ideas. 373 00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:41,800 Speaker 3: Guess what. We have many bookshelves in this house. Grab 374 00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:44,840 Speaker 3: a book or just sit down. My kids will invent 375 00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:47,119 Speaker 3: their own board games. Most of them are terrible, but 376 00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:49,439 Speaker 3: they come up with them and they learn about it 377 00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:52,000 Speaker 3: and or they write. Or just the other day, my son, 378 00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:55,639 Speaker 3: you know, we have our very early bedtime family, just 379 00:18:55,640 --> 00:18:57,200 Speaker 3: because I like to go to bed early. But he's 380 00:18:57,320 --> 00:19:00,600 Speaker 3: never tired, and so we stayed up. The internet's and off. 381 00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:03,119 Speaker 3: He will play the guitar by himself. And the other 382 00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:05,160 Speaker 3: day he just drew and he learned. He figured out 383 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:08,760 Speaker 3: that he could draw a person running and it wasn't 384 00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:12,159 Speaker 3: some intensive tweet arts and crafts, and he drew a 385 00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:14,480 Speaker 3: picture of a baseball player. But he was like, wow, Dad, 386 00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:16,840 Speaker 3: look what I figured out because I was bored. 387 00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:20,840 Speaker 1: But there is this I have to say, there is 388 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:25,679 Speaker 1: this moment in your like you sometimes you catch in 389 00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:28,119 Speaker 1: your breath or you're in your heart when you are 390 00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:30,800 Speaker 1: out with your kids and it's like, okay, I'm going 391 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:32,680 Speaker 1: to run over here, and you're at a store and 392 00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:35,240 Speaker 1: you go, you have to come with me. You know 393 00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:38,560 Speaker 1: that helicopter parenting It does sometimes kick in, and maybe 394 00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:41,439 Speaker 1: that's instinct when you're in a place like that, but 395 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:46,040 Speaker 1: there are times when I think, if I'm too lax 396 00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:48,840 Speaker 1: with them and something happens, I live with that the 397 00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:51,080 Speaker 1: rest of my life. So how do you how do 398 00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:53,439 Speaker 1: how do you internalize? Like how do you make that 399 00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:54,520 Speaker 1: balance okay? 400 00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:55,480 Speaker 2: As a parent. 401 00:19:56,400 --> 00:20:01,000 Speaker 3: So it's really tough because there's the I think it's 402 00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:03,639 Speaker 3: just confusing the emotion. So I tell the stories of 403 00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:06,320 Speaker 3: the times I lost my son Sean. I think I've 404 00:20:06,359 --> 00:20:08,800 Speaker 3: lost kids five times in my life, and four of 405 00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:09,760 Speaker 3: them were the same kid. 406 00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:12,720 Speaker 2: For that sounds right. 407 00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:17,119 Speaker 3: And so it's some of the emotion really was a 408 00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:20,680 Speaker 3: fear of being judged when I lost him and at 409 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:23,800 Speaker 3: the US Marine Corps Museum, and the phone call was 410 00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:27,800 Speaker 3: clearly from the US Marine Corps Museum. They're thinking, am 411 00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:30,560 Speaker 3: I going to get in troubles? He's going to be 412 00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:34,600 Speaker 3: a marine? And then but it was Shawn on the 413 00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:37,960 Speaker 3: phone be like where are you dead? And so that's 414 00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:39,960 Speaker 3: part of the emotion. And then the other part that 415 00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:43,520 Speaker 3: you just expressed perfectly is that you wouldn't forgive yourself. 416 00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:45,520 Speaker 3: There's a one to ten million chance that something bad 417 00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:49,040 Speaker 3: is going to happen, but if it happened because you 418 00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:51,399 Speaker 3: did something that you're told you're not supposed to do. 419 00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:54,159 Speaker 3: You wouldn't forgive yourself for My question is always is 420 00:20:54,200 --> 00:21:00,440 Speaker 3: this a reasonable request? And what are the off setting 421 00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:05,880 Speaker 3: threats or dangers or just negativities. Never ever, ever, ever 422 00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:07,800 Speaker 3: leave your kid in a car. Well, it makes sense 423 00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:09,600 Speaker 3: if it's a hot day, so it makes sense if 424 00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:13,840 Speaker 3: it's like just a solo baby. But if you left 425 00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:15,840 Speaker 3: a six year old a four year old in a 426 00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:18,920 Speaker 3: car together for five minutes on a cool day where 427 00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:21,240 Speaker 3: you can lock the car, it's not actually a danger. 428 00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:23,440 Speaker 3: And in fact, walking them across the parking lot might 429 00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:24,920 Speaker 3: be a bigger danger. So if you do that and 430 00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:28,600 Speaker 3: you just say, okay, I know that. What I'm afraid 431 00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:31,720 Speaker 3: of is these horror stories. And if you were pointing 432 00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:35,160 Speaker 3: out earlier, what media allows us to do, and probably 433 00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:38,439 Speaker 3: social media even more, is taking every horrible thing that 434 00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:41,080 Speaker 3: happened in America and it u should just be in 435 00:21:41,119 --> 00:21:44,800 Speaker 3: the last month. But now these social media stories pop 436 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:48,560 Speaker 3: up with terror stories from ten years ago, and they're 437 00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:51,760 Speaker 3: told like they're brand new. So a lot of parents 438 00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:54,320 Speaker 3: probably think that a kid gets abducted by a stranger 439 00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:59,320 Speaker 3: and disappears, you know, constantly, every every day in every 440 00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:01,880 Speaker 3: state in America, and that's just not true, and it's 441 00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:05,399 Speaker 3: definitely not on the rise. And the latest numbers probably 442 00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:09,000 Speaker 3: estimate that that stereotypical abduction there's one hundred of them 443 00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:12,000 Speaker 3: a year in the United States, absolutely horrific. That means 444 00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:14,440 Speaker 3: there's a one in a million chance of it happening 445 00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:17,520 Speaker 3: to you, and you can't really guard against a one 446 00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:18,560 Speaker 3: in a million chance. 447 00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:21,399 Speaker 2: So let me ask you this. 448 00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:24,640 Speaker 1: As a mom, you talk about mothers a lot because 449 00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:27,959 Speaker 1: you say that there's a problem in American culture that 450 00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:31,800 Speaker 1: mothers today are more more often so they're working, so 451 00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:35,480 Speaker 1: they're professionals, and that seems to be cutting down on 452 00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:39,960 Speaker 1: their parenting time. However, they're spending fifty percent more time 453 00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:42,920 Speaker 1: on parenting tasks than their grandmothers actually did. 454 00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:45,080 Speaker 2: And I have to tell you that there. 455 00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:48,359 Speaker 1: Was a time when I thought to myself, because the 456 00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:51,879 Speaker 1: girls were so close together, that I was so used 457 00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:55,320 Speaker 1: to doing something for the youngest that I kept doing 458 00:22:55,359 --> 00:22:57,960 Speaker 1: it for the oldest well passed when the oldest could 459 00:22:57,960 --> 00:23:00,280 Speaker 1: do it on her own, and then I became like 460 00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:02,800 Speaker 1: this crutch of I'm going to take care of everything 461 00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:06,040 Speaker 1: for you constantly, and I still see myself doing that, 462 00:23:06,119 --> 00:23:08,720 Speaker 1: And then I will be like, you are old enough 463 00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:10,919 Speaker 1: to fold your own laundry and put it away, and 464 00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:13,000 Speaker 1: then the laundry piles up in their room and I'm like, 465 00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:14,320 Speaker 1: should I do it? 466 00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:16,520 Speaker 2: Do I not do it? And I and I think 467 00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:18,120 Speaker 2: that my. 468 00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:21,080 Speaker 1: Mom the laundry would have just gone away, and I'm like, 469 00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:24,880 Speaker 1: now I'm failing you know, So how do you go 470 00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:26,000 Speaker 1: through that in your head? 471 00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:30,919 Speaker 3: Yeah? So my first chapter is literally called have lower 472 00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:34,040 Speaker 3: Expectations for your kids. And that's a joke. It's a 473 00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:36,920 Speaker 3: tongue in cheek thing. It's because you should have lower 474 00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:41,040 Speaker 3: expectations for sports and that sort of thing. But it's 475 00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:43,560 Speaker 3: a joke because I'm a Catholic. I want my kids 476 00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:45,760 Speaker 3: to get to have it. My expectations for them, my 477 00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:48,119 Speaker 3: hopes or that they become Saints, right, but not that 478 00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:52,320 Speaker 3: they become D one baseball players or But chapter two, 479 00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:57,760 Speaker 3: called Lose your Children More, is about having lower expectations 480 00:23:57,760 --> 00:24:01,080 Speaker 3: for yourselves. And so for me, I get too upset 481 00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:04,920 Speaker 3: is exactly when I expect them to be orderly, because people, oh, 482 00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:08,200 Speaker 3: six kids, you must run a real tight ship. Yes, 483 00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:11,440 Speaker 3: yes I do. I'm a drill sergeant and there are 484 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:14,760 Speaker 3: times that I just say, I say tally hoe, which 485 00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:16,960 Speaker 3: means it's signed for us to all leave and they'll 486 00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:18,879 Speaker 3: run behind me, and it makes me feel really cool. 487 00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:21,240 Speaker 3: And then there are other times that I'm like, I 488 00:24:21,359 --> 00:24:25,320 Speaker 3: have told you thirty two times to put away your shoes, 489 00:24:25,359 --> 00:24:29,480 Speaker 3: and you have and that's where I become a bad dad, 490 00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:32,399 Speaker 3: and I yell at them and I rather than just 491 00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:35,320 Speaker 3: sort of handling it calmly. So that's part of it 492 00:24:35,359 --> 00:24:38,439 Speaker 3: is just to realize this is a long haul that 493 00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:41,160 Speaker 3: we're doing as parents. And so I have this one 494 00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:44,480 Speaker 3: time who have already mentionined who can't sit down still 495 00:24:44,560 --> 00:24:47,440 Speaker 3: during dinner, And right before dinner started last night, I said, 496 00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:51,320 Speaker 3: I want you this this dinner. The only thing I 497 00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:53,400 Speaker 3: want you to work on is not getting up until 498 00:24:53,440 --> 00:24:56,080 Speaker 3: you've asked to be excused. He says, okay, okay, we 499 00:24:56,119 --> 00:24:59,520 Speaker 3: say grace. Within ten seconds he's standing up and running 500 00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:03,840 Speaker 3: into the cour the dining room. Somehow I magically kept 501 00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:05,320 Speaker 3: my calm. I was like, Okay, the good thing is 502 00:25:05,359 --> 00:25:07,960 Speaker 3: you get a second chance at this, Sean, and you're 503 00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:10,439 Speaker 3: you're nine, and so by the time you're eighteen, I 504 00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:12,760 Speaker 3: think you will be able to sit down at a 505 00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:17,359 Speaker 3: table without without getting up, not to say that that's gone. 506 00:25:17,440 --> 00:25:19,960 Speaker 2: That is a really good point, I think, because. 507 00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:24,200 Speaker 1: You know, even in our own household, I see sometimes 508 00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:27,080 Speaker 1: where my husband will be like, I've told them this 509 00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:30,640 Speaker 1: a million times, why aren't they doing it? But it's 510 00:25:30,800 --> 00:25:33,440 Speaker 1: just like I give more grace to a puppy than 511 00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:35,879 Speaker 1: an older dog. I give more grace to a child 512 00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:39,440 Speaker 1: than I do an adult because they're learning. And you 513 00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:42,560 Speaker 1: like when we had when we bring a puppy into 514 00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:44,760 Speaker 1: the house and it chews all the shoes up. We're like, okay, 515 00:25:44,760 --> 00:25:47,159 Speaker 1: but the puppy doesn't know any better. But you know, 516 00:25:47,320 --> 00:25:50,200 Speaker 1: the child is not that different. They're still learning too. 517 00:25:50,560 --> 00:25:52,840 Speaker 1: And as much as I've seen in my life that 518 00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:55,600 Speaker 1: I sit at the table and eat like a normal 519 00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:58,640 Speaker 1: person and I chat with the people around me, their 520 00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:01,840 Speaker 1: minds are going a million miles a minute and they 521 00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:04,720 Speaker 1: just have to be told time and time again. But 522 00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:07,400 Speaker 1: I think we're so used to this society where it's 523 00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:10,439 Speaker 1: like instant gratification. I want you to do do something, 524 00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:12,439 Speaker 1: and you're going to do it. We also believe that 525 00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:17,200 Speaker 1: the father knows best generation, that kids just were seen 526 00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:19,840 Speaker 1: and not heard, you know, like when dad came home 527 00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:22,080 Speaker 1: from work, the meal was on the table. The kids 528 00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:26,720 Speaker 1: sat there perfectly and never misbehaved. And maybe that was true, 529 00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:29,240 Speaker 1: I don't know, but for some reason that's not true 530 00:26:29,240 --> 00:26:31,080 Speaker 1: in my house, and I have to remember to give 531 00:26:31,119 --> 00:26:32,600 Speaker 1: them grace as they grow and learn. 532 00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:38,280 Speaker 3: And so why are we more stressed about this now? 533 00:26:38,840 --> 00:26:43,080 Speaker 3: I think one reason is that we are an increasingly 534 00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:49,960 Speaker 3: secular society, and the idea that we're raising kids. We 535 00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:53,399 Speaker 3: agonize over it, we delay, we postpone, and then in 536 00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:57,320 Speaker 3: the end we're very intentional about having children, and so 537 00:26:57,640 --> 00:27:01,639 Speaker 3: then it becomes this much more burden something, and you 538 00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:05,840 Speaker 3: lose the idea that's true in all the major faiths 539 00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:09,959 Speaker 3: that just humans. You know, we're falling. We make all 540 00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:11,919 Speaker 3: sorts of distincts. But it's good. It's good to be 541 00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:16,280 Speaker 3: fruitful and multiplied humans are. It's family also is sort 542 00:27:16,280 --> 00:27:19,280 Speaker 3: of a natural thing you do. So once we abandon 543 00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:23,159 Speaker 3: the idea, the custom, the tradition, the norm, frankly, that 544 00:27:23,240 --> 00:27:26,960 Speaker 3: you have kids, and once you abandon a more spiritual 545 00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:30,200 Speaker 3: idea of a human being, then you have to be 546 00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:32,200 Speaker 3: a success as a parent, and you have to turn 547 00:27:32,240 --> 00:27:35,080 Speaker 3: your kid into a total success. And I quote lots 548 00:27:35,080 --> 00:27:38,199 Speaker 3: of writers mothers who came to realize that what was 549 00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:41,280 Speaker 3: causing them so much stress was that everything was chosen. 550 00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:44,600 Speaker 3: How is my kid spending the next hour? That's my decision. 551 00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:47,320 Speaker 3: So maybe I should have him listen to Mozart, or 552 00:27:47,359 --> 00:27:50,719 Speaker 3: maybe i should have him do a puzzle, but certainly 553 00:27:50,760 --> 00:27:53,719 Speaker 3: I'm not going to let him just bounce a whiffle 554 00:27:53,760 --> 00:27:54,600 Speaker 3: ball off the ceiling. 555 00:27:54,720 --> 00:27:57,399 Speaker 1: Let's take a quick commercial break. We'll continue next on 556 00:27:57,440 --> 00:28:03,800 Speaker 1: a Tutor Dixon podcast. I remember when the girls were little, 557 00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:06,400 Speaker 1: there was this thing called my Baby can Read, And 558 00:28:06,440 --> 00:28:09,200 Speaker 1: it was like, you are going to spend a strenuous 559 00:28:09,240 --> 00:28:12,280 Speaker 1: amount of time teaching a baby to read, even though 560 00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:15,280 Speaker 1: they can't tell you what they're reading. Somehow you're going 561 00:28:15,359 --> 00:28:17,879 Speaker 1: to know. And it's like these flash cards and you 562 00:28:17,920 --> 00:28:20,400 Speaker 1: were going to teach, and my grandmother ordered this. And 563 00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:23,080 Speaker 1: then the immense pressure of me teaching my child, who 564 00:28:23,200 --> 00:28:26,720 Speaker 1: is not verbal yet because they're a baby, to actually 565 00:28:26,800 --> 00:28:28,760 Speaker 1: read right And I would know she was going to 566 00:28:28,840 --> 00:28:31,280 Speaker 1: read because she would set out, point to something and 567 00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:35,880 Speaker 1: know what the word meant. And I'm not going to lie. 568 00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:39,360 Speaker 1: I'm like, I have this, we have this time. I'm 569 00:28:39,360 --> 00:28:42,400 Speaker 1: going to spend this teaching this baby who can't talk 570 00:28:42,440 --> 00:28:42,640 Speaker 1: to me. 571 00:28:42,720 --> 00:28:43,880 Speaker 2: Yet to read. 572 00:28:44,560 --> 00:28:47,920 Speaker 1: And I think back on that, how ridiculous. But that 573 00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:50,480 Speaker 1: is the kind of pressure that is put on you. 574 00:28:50,600 --> 00:28:54,120 Speaker 1: And you know, your grandmother sees this. Your child's going 575 00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:56,080 Speaker 1: to be a genius and they're going to go to Harvard. 576 00:28:56,080 --> 00:28:56,440 Speaker 2: Who knew. 577 00:28:56,480 --> 00:28:58,320 Speaker 1: I wouldn't want my kids to go to Harvard one day, 578 00:28:58,320 --> 00:29:02,600 Speaker 1: but they are going to be these amazing adults. And now, 579 00:29:02,680 --> 00:29:05,520 Speaker 1: I honestly, I'm like, you talk about faith a lot, 580 00:29:05,520 --> 00:29:07,120 Speaker 1: and I want to get to that really quick. I 581 00:29:07,120 --> 00:29:09,440 Speaker 1: know I've kept you a little bit, but I want 582 00:29:09,480 --> 00:29:11,840 Speaker 1: to get to that because now as I've seen my 583 00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:15,040 Speaker 1: kids grow in faith, and that's been really neat. As 584 00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:18,680 Speaker 1: they've gotten a little older and they see faith for themselves, 585 00:29:19,720 --> 00:29:22,480 Speaker 1: I'm like, man, all of these things that I thought 586 00:29:22,480 --> 00:29:23,280 Speaker 1: were important. 587 00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:25,640 Speaker 2: At the end of the day, I. 588 00:29:25,600 --> 00:29:29,000 Speaker 1: Want them to find someone that shares faith with them 589 00:29:29,320 --> 00:29:32,640 Speaker 1: and shares values with them, and I want them to 590 00:29:32,800 --> 00:29:38,000 Speaker 1: understand that life is about what you're able to together 591 00:29:38,120 --> 00:29:42,840 Speaker 1: as a couple, create through life and raise yourself. You know, 592 00:29:42,960 --> 00:29:46,920 Speaker 1: I mean, isn't that I always say. When my dad 593 00:29:47,000 --> 00:29:49,600 Speaker 1: was at the end of his life, he had been 594 00:29:49,640 --> 00:29:55,000 Speaker 1: in this amazing steel guide run a multi million dollar 595 00:29:55,680 --> 00:29:59,760 Speaker 1: one hundred multi hundred million dollar corporation with factories all 596 00:29:59,760 --> 00:30:04,600 Speaker 1: over the world. And he was a genius in his 597 00:30:04,680 --> 00:30:07,800 Speaker 1: field of rail castings, and at the end of his 598 00:30:07,880 --> 00:30:11,080 Speaker 1: life he wanted his daughters by his side. He didn't 599 00:30:11,120 --> 00:30:14,000 Speaker 1: care about any of the accolades of how many rail 600 00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:16,400 Speaker 1: castings he had made, or what a genius he was. 601 00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:19,000 Speaker 1: That the end of his life was about his kids. 602 00:30:19,040 --> 00:30:23,360 Speaker 1: And I'm like, why are we not telling our kids that. 603 00:30:23,520 --> 00:30:26,920 Speaker 1: I mean, you talk about these young people who don't 604 00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:29,120 Speaker 1: think that they want to have kids in it. To 605 00:30:29,160 --> 00:30:32,320 Speaker 1: be honest, I've had friends of mine who have said, 606 00:30:32,400 --> 00:30:34,400 Speaker 1: you know, my friends just got married and they're in 607 00:30:34,400 --> 00:30:37,080 Speaker 1: their twenties and thirties and they're talking about not having 608 00:30:37,160 --> 00:30:39,600 Speaker 1: kids because they just don't know what the world is 609 00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:42,240 Speaker 1: going to be like for those kids. And I think, man, 610 00:30:42,320 --> 00:30:45,360 Speaker 1: we're terrifying people with the climate's going to be this, 611 00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:47,560 Speaker 1: and there's going to be a nuclear war, and it's 612 00:30:47,600 --> 00:30:49,560 Speaker 1: just not worth it, and everything's so expensive. 613 00:30:49,560 --> 00:30:51,440 Speaker 2: But at the end of life, what have you done 614 00:30:51,480 --> 00:30:52,400 Speaker 2: if you don't. 615 00:30:52,160 --> 00:30:55,480 Speaker 1: Have those little people beside you that have loved you 616 00:30:55,600 --> 00:30:59,040 Speaker 1: and become a part of your every day. 617 00:31:00,680 --> 00:31:06,320 Speaker 3: Absolutely, it's beautiful, It's true. And it really is a sadness. 618 00:31:06,720 --> 00:31:10,240 Speaker 3: I think sadness causes us to have fewer children and 619 00:31:10,280 --> 00:31:11,920 Speaker 3: to be more afraid of it. And then when we 620 00:31:11,920 --> 00:31:14,640 Speaker 3: have your children, we're sadder because we don't have somebody 621 00:31:14,880 --> 00:31:18,120 Speaker 3: by us at the end of the day. And that's 622 00:31:18,240 --> 00:31:20,920 Speaker 3: what I'm hoping is if you sort of can portray 623 00:31:21,080 --> 00:31:26,560 Speaker 3: a fun, positive view of parenthood and argue that some 624 00:31:26,600 --> 00:31:28,720 Speaker 3: of the threats you're talking about our imaginary and some 625 00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:33,400 Speaker 3: of them can really be addressed through you know, better sidewalks, etc. 626 00:31:33,760 --> 00:31:37,800 Speaker 3: More playgrounds, then you can turn the tie. If there's 627 00:31:37,800 --> 00:31:40,600 Speaker 3: a vicious circle of more sadness, less children, more sadness, 628 00:31:40,920 --> 00:31:44,280 Speaker 3: then there could be a virtuous circle of more children, 629 00:31:44,360 --> 00:31:45,840 Speaker 3: more happiness, more children. 630 00:31:47,040 --> 00:31:49,320 Speaker 1: And not to say that, I don't want people to 631 00:31:50,120 --> 00:31:54,320 Speaker 1: believe that to fulfill yourself you'll have children, because it 632 00:31:54,440 --> 00:31:57,160 Speaker 1: is a hard journey. I mean, there are days when 633 00:31:57,560 --> 00:32:01,160 Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my gosh, everything is going wrong and 634 00:32:01,200 --> 00:32:04,280 Speaker 1: you're all fighting and it's so hard and how. 635 00:32:04,120 --> 00:32:05,800 Speaker 2: Could you've lost your shoes again? 636 00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:07,840 Speaker 1: You know, it's like all of these things that you 637 00:32:07,920 --> 00:32:10,640 Speaker 1: go through as a parent, and it's a hard journey. 638 00:32:10,680 --> 00:32:12,400 Speaker 3: One shoe, It's always just one shoe. 639 00:32:12,520 --> 00:32:13,040 Speaker 2: Yes, right. 640 00:32:13,440 --> 00:32:16,560 Speaker 1: I have actually had a child get someplace to a 641 00:32:16,600 --> 00:32:19,680 Speaker 1: destination with one shoe in the winter when we walked 642 00:32:19,720 --> 00:32:21,719 Speaker 1: to the car that was parked in the snow, and 643 00:32:21,760 --> 00:32:24,480 Speaker 1: I'm like, how did you even get to the car 644 00:32:24,760 --> 00:32:25,640 Speaker 1: with one shoe? 645 00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:28,040 Speaker 2: And those are the moments where you're like, this is 646 00:32:28,160 --> 00:32:28,760 Speaker 2: really hard. 647 00:32:29,360 --> 00:32:31,320 Speaker 1: And it's not to say that it's going to be like, Oh, 648 00:32:31,360 --> 00:32:32,800 Speaker 1: this is going to fulfill me and it's going to 649 00:32:32,880 --> 00:32:35,920 Speaker 1: be joyful all the time. There is a joy about it. 650 00:32:35,960 --> 00:32:38,880 Speaker 1: And we've talked about this before. There's a difference between 651 00:32:38,920 --> 00:32:42,080 Speaker 1: happiness and joy. Happiness is that feeling you feel in 652 00:32:42,080 --> 00:32:44,640 Speaker 1: the moment when you have something great happen and it's 653 00:32:44,720 --> 00:32:45,960 Speaker 1: just you're really happy about it. 654 00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:46,760 Speaker 2: But there's an. 655 00:32:46,560 --> 00:32:51,080 Speaker 1: Inner joy that comes from having a family and being 656 00:32:51,120 --> 00:32:53,600 Speaker 1: a family, and it's something that I think as society, 657 00:32:53,640 --> 00:32:57,200 Speaker 1: we've gotten away from that joy of family and we've 658 00:32:57,280 --> 00:33:00,360 Speaker 1: instead instilled a fear of family, which is the worst 659 00:33:00,560 --> 00:33:03,480 Speaker 1: possible thing to do. And I think that's what has 660 00:33:03,560 --> 00:33:06,240 Speaker 1: led to I mean, you can correct me if I'm wrong, 661 00:33:06,280 --> 00:33:08,000 Speaker 1: but I think that's a part of what has led 662 00:33:08,040 --> 00:33:11,640 Speaker 1: to not only once people have kids becoming obsessed with 663 00:33:11,680 --> 00:33:12,320 Speaker 1: what's going to happen. 664 00:33:12,400 --> 00:33:13,400 Speaker 2: Are they safe? Are they sick? 665 00:33:13,520 --> 00:33:15,920 Speaker 1: Is it should I take them to the hospital instead 666 00:33:15,960 --> 00:33:19,040 Speaker 1: of just letting that common cold run its course and 667 00:33:19,080 --> 00:33:20,320 Speaker 1: then you go back to school. 668 00:33:21,360 --> 00:33:24,480 Speaker 3: No, that's right. And the way I put it, because 669 00:33:24,560 --> 00:33:25,880 Speaker 3: so many of the things I write about in the 670 00:33:25,920 --> 00:33:28,320 Speaker 3: book are is trying to say, here's how a family 671 00:33:28,320 --> 00:33:30,600 Speaker 3: friendly culture would make it easier to raise kids. But 672 00:33:30,920 --> 00:33:33,200 Speaker 3: guess what, it will always be the hardest thing you're 673 00:33:33,240 --> 00:33:37,680 Speaker 3: ever going to do. But it's the easiest path to 674 00:33:37,760 --> 00:33:42,360 Speaker 3: take if what you're aiming for is an actual, high 675 00:33:42,400 --> 00:33:44,560 Speaker 3: and worthy goal. In other words, if you're aiming for 676 00:33:44,640 --> 00:33:48,640 Speaker 3: something beyond just self satisfaction and having sort of diversions 677 00:33:48,680 --> 00:33:51,680 Speaker 3: and fun, then parenting is the easiest path. It's sort 678 00:33:51,680 --> 00:33:54,880 Speaker 3: of a cheat code for virtue. The Bible says feed 679 00:33:54,880 --> 00:33:57,440 Speaker 3: the hungry, clothe the naked. I wake up, there are 680 00:33:57,520 --> 00:33:59,080 Speaker 3: hungry naked people in my house. 681 00:34:00,480 --> 00:34:06,040 Speaker 1: Right, that's right, Yes, that's true. You can create your 682 00:34:06,080 --> 00:34:08,879 Speaker 1: own and constantly have to feed. They do eat all 683 00:34:08,920 --> 00:34:11,440 Speaker 1: the time. That is another thing that you do have 684 00:34:11,520 --> 00:34:13,520 Speaker 1: to feed them. But you know, it's funny because they 685 00:34:13,600 --> 00:34:16,680 Speaker 1: get to Every stage is different, and when you go 686 00:34:16,719 --> 00:34:19,160 Speaker 1: through parenting, you never know that that stage is about 687 00:34:19,200 --> 00:34:21,760 Speaker 1: to end. And I think that's the joy in having 688 00:34:21,800 --> 00:34:25,040 Speaker 1: many kids, because you then when you get to the 689 00:34:25,560 --> 00:34:28,520 Speaker 1: last child that you're going to raise, you know those 690 00:34:28,560 --> 00:34:30,759 Speaker 1: stages are about to end, and like, this could be 691 00:34:30,800 --> 00:34:33,480 Speaker 1: the last time this baby falls asleep in my chest, 692 00:34:33,560 --> 00:34:35,120 Speaker 1: and then this is the last time I have to 693 00:34:35,160 --> 00:34:38,120 Speaker 1: tie their shoe, and there are just these there's a 694 00:34:38,239 --> 00:34:41,000 Speaker 1: joy in them moving on, and there's a grief in 695 00:34:41,520 --> 00:34:44,960 Speaker 1: losing that stage. But I also think it's the most 696 00:34:44,960 --> 00:34:48,000 Speaker 1: exciting thing because as they grow up, Like today, my 697 00:34:48,160 --> 00:34:51,279 Speaker 1: daughter texted me and one of the girls that works 698 00:34:51,280 --> 00:34:53,919 Speaker 1: with me, and she was like, we have to have 699 00:34:54,000 --> 00:34:56,560 Speaker 1: a girl's afternoon because I have something to share with 700 00:34:56,600 --> 00:34:59,359 Speaker 1: you guys. And I'm like, how cool is this that 701 00:34:59,440 --> 00:35:02,239 Speaker 1: my fort teen year old wants to just spend an 702 00:35:02,280 --> 00:35:05,600 Speaker 1: afternoon with us, you know. And so I think that 703 00:35:06,440 --> 00:35:08,840 Speaker 1: you have to understand that people will say, oh, you 704 00:35:08,840 --> 00:35:11,680 Speaker 1: can't be friends with your kids. There is you do 705 00:35:12,200 --> 00:35:14,560 Speaker 1: have a friendship with your kids, and even though you 706 00:35:14,640 --> 00:35:18,160 Speaker 1: are that person of authority in their lives, you're also 707 00:35:18,239 --> 00:35:21,360 Speaker 1: that first person that teaches them the value of sharing 708 00:35:21,560 --> 00:35:24,400 Speaker 1: and being honest and open with someone else and having 709 00:35:24,440 --> 00:35:28,799 Speaker 1: that connection it's just such a fun experience and I 710 00:35:28,880 --> 00:35:31,440 Speaker 1: really I hate the thought of people missing out on 711 00:35:31,480 --> 00:35:35,360 Speaker 1: it because culture in America today has said limit the 712 00:35:35,440 --> 00:35:37,400 Speaker 1: number of children you have, or don't. 713 00:35:37,160 --> 00:35:37,680 Speaker 2: Do it at all. 714 00:35:38,560 --> 00:35:44,200 Speaker 1: Absolutely, So I want everybody to know tell them a 715 00:35:44,200 --> 00:35:47,919 Speaker 1: little bit about your book. It is called family unfriendly, 716 00:35:48,200 --> 00:35:51,200 Speaker 1: and I don't want people to be turned off by 717 00:35:51,360 --> 00:35:55,000 Speaker 1: family unfriendly because the point is you don't have to 718 00:35:55,080 --> 00:35:56,440 Speaker 1: We don't have to make it so hard. 719 00:35:56,480 --> 00:35:58,480 Speaker 2: We don't have to challenge ourselves. 720 00:35:58,520 --> 00:36:01,160 Speaker 1: We don't have to see the elf on the shelf 721 00:36:01,200 --> 00:36:05,200 Speaker 1: on Pinterest and make December a miserable month because we're 722 00:36:05,200 --> 00:36:08,080 Speaker 1: trying to outdo the neighbor or out do the other 723 00:36:08,160 --> 00:36:13,800 Speaker 1: kids at school. Parenting should be joyful. There are stressful moments, 724 00:36:13,840 --> 00:36:15,799 Speaker 1: we don't have to overstress. Tell us about the book 725 00:36:15,800 --> 00:36:16,239 Speaker 1: really quick. 726 00:36:16,680 --> 00:36:20,799 Speaker 3: So yeah, that's the argument is that the stress and 727 00:36:20,880 --> 00:36:24,400 Speaker 3: anxiety of kids is caused by cultural forces and the 728 00:36:24,440 --> 00:36:27,520 Speaker 3: family unfriendly cultural forces, but a lot of them we 729 00:36:27,560 --> 00:36:33,319 Speaker 3: can overcome, in partase by immersing ourselves in communities that 730 00:36:33,440 --> 00:36:37,239 Speaker 3: support family. So a church community or something like that, 731 00:36:37,280 --> 00:36:39,440 Speaker 3: it's more likely to support you. Part of it is 732 00:36:39,440 --> 00:36:42,120 Speaker 3: just by resisting and stop them doing it stop, you know, 733 00:36:42,280 --> 00:36:47,120 Speaker 3: unfollow all the influencers, stop helicoptering, and realize that your 734 00:36:47,200 --> 00:36:50,359 Speaker 3: kids getting you know, B pluses is not the end 735 00:36:50,360 --> 00:36:54,400 Speaker 3: of the world. And partly, you know, sometimes it's decisions 736 00:36:54,440 --> 00:36:57,319 Speaker 3: like if you don't have to give your kids a smartphone, 737 00:36:57,400 --> 00:36:59,600 Speaker 3: you don't have to do a lot of the things 738 00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:01,920 Speaker 3: that people say you have to do. And when you 739 00:37:02,000 --> 00:37:04,799 Speaker 3: do that and you just confront the kids as sort 740 00:37:04,800 --> 00:37:10,000 Speaker 3: of beautiful and wonderful in themselves, that turns it around, 741 00:37:10,080 --> 00:37:13,840 Speaker 3: and that makes parenting the meaningful joy, the cheat code 742 00:37:14,120 --> 00:37:16,920 Speaker 3: for becoming a better person that it can be. And 743 00:37:16,960 --> 00:37:20,120 Speaker 3: the problem is our culture's expectations. But you can fight 744 00:37:20,200 --> 00:37:21,279 Speaker 3: those and overcome that. 745 00:37:21,880 --> 00:37:24,760 Speaker 1: I think there's so much more that we can talk about. 746 00:37:25,120 --> 00:37:29,280 Speaker 1: We'll have to talk again because there's also this even 747 00:37:29,320 --> 00:37:32,200 Speaker 1: with younger people, not necessarily with parents, but the influence 748 00:37:32,239 --> 00:37:35,920 Speaker 1: of what you said, unfollowed the mo influencers. It's not 749 00:37:36,120 --> 00:37:38,800 Speaker 1: just that. I mean, I have people in my life 750 00:37:38,840 --> 00:37:42,120 Speaker 1: who are in their twenties and they live their life 751 00:37:42,120 --> 00:37:44,680 Speaker 1: by the trends that they see online, and it's become 752 00:37:44,800 --> 00:37:48,120 Speaker 1: an obsession. And I think too oftentimes we're looking into 753 00:37:48,239 --> 00:37:51,640 Speaker 1: other people's lives and saying how can I live into 754 00:37:51,760 --> 00:37:55,160 Speaker 1: what they're living. I think that's where faith is really important. 755 00:37:55,200 --> 00:37:57,959 Speaker 1: And as we've grown away from faith, we're looking for, well, 756 00:37:58,280 --> 00:38:00,319 Speaker 1: what is that source that can lead to me? And 757 00:38:00,360 --> 00:38:03,319 Speaker 1: so we're looking for humans to lead us. And it's 758 00:38:03,360 --> 00:38:05,439 Speaker 1: exactly what the Bible is telling us not to do. 759 00:38:05,440 --> 00:38:07,920 Speaker 1: Don't covet your neighbor, don't watch and see what the 760 00:38:07,960 --> 00:38:10,800 Speaker 1: next trend is. I mean, you know, if you're really 761 00:38:10,800 --> 00:38:13,200 Speaker 1: reading the word, that's what it's telling you. And so 762 00:38:13,320 --> 00:38:17,600 Speaker 1: how how do we take this culture and say leave 763 00:38:17,680 --> 00:38:21,799 Speaker 1: that alone and focus on what's important? And that's hard, 764 00:38:21,920 --> 00:38:23,560 Speaker 1: but we could, I'm sure we could have a whole 765 00:38:23,640 --> 00:38:24,759 Speaker 1: other conversation about that. 766 00:38:26,160 --> 00:38:29,799 Speaker 3: Yeah, and it's it's certainly the case. And I start 767 00:38:29,840 --> 00:38:32,040 Speaker 3: off with the travel sports and by the end of 768 00:38:32,040 --> 00:38:34,920 Speaker 3: the book I am talking more about spiritual things. How 769 00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:37,120 Speaker 3: do you see human beings? Do you see life as 770 00:38:37,160 --> 00:38:40,160 Speaker 3: something that you can absolutely control every detail? Are you 771 00:38:40,200 --> 00:38:44,320 Speaker 3: afraid of commitment to relationships because you value autonomy above 772 00:38:44,360 --> 00:38:47,480 Speaker 3: all other things? And it's trying to make it easier 773 00:38:47,520 --> 00:38:49,319 Speaker 3: for the readers to say, Okay, here's the way in 774 00:38:49,360 --> 00:38:54,600 Speaker 3: which I'm letting the culture seep in and steal joy 775 00:38:54,640 --> 00:38:57,960 Speaker 3: from me and that resists. Ing that and overcoming that 776 00:38:58,280 --> 00:39:00,719 Speaker 3: is totally possible as long as we know what's going on. 777 00:39:00,960 --> 00:39:02,360 Speaker 3: That's what I'm trying to do with the book is 778 00:39:02,360 --> 00:39:06,000 Speaker 3: to drive them. These are the cultural sicknesses and you 779 00:39:06,120 --> 00:39:07,120 Speaker 3: can overcome them. 780 00:39:07,960 --> 00:39:09,040 Speaker 2: It's I mean, we are. 781 00:39:09,200 --> 00:39:12,160 Speaker 1: It's almost like in all cases there's this striving for 782 00:39:12,200 --> 00:39:15,560 Speaker 1: a perfection that doesn't exist. And we just were reading 783 00:39:15,600 --> 00:39:20,920 Speaker 1: an article here today about young women now botox, going 784 00:39:21,000 --> 00:39:23,680 Speaker 1: from you know, people in their forties who are trying 785 00:39:23,719 --> 00:39:27,560 Speaker 1: to hold on to that wrinkle free look to suddenly 786 00:39:27,640 --> 00:39:32,160 Speaker 1: the highest demographic that is getting injections into their face 787 00:39:32,480 --> 00:39:35,120 Speaker 1: are there people in their low twenties. And it's just 788 00:39:35,200 --> 00:39:38,799 Speaker 1: like this striving for constant perfection. It's just like the 789 00:39:38,840 --> 00:39:41,360 Speaker 1: mom who's trying to get the Bento box perfect. And 790 00:39:42,120 --> 00:39:44,839 Speaker 1: you know, there's the there are massive pressures on us 791 00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:48,319 Speaker 1: today that certainly my mom didn't feel. And so I 792 00:39:48,440 --> 00:39:52,040 Speaker 1: appreciate you talking to us again. For you folks out there, 793 00:39:52,200 --> 00:39:54,040 Speaker 1: get the book. It's going to help you. It's called 794 00:39:54,080 --> 00:39:57,560 Speaker 1: Family Unfriendly. Tim Carney is the author. Thank you Tim 795 00:39:57,600 --> 00:40:00,719 Speaker 1: for being here today, Thank you tutor, and thank you 796 00:40:00,719 --> 00:40:03,319 Speaker 1: all for joining us. On the Tutor Dixon Podcast. For 797 00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:06,480 Speaker 1: this episode and others, go to tutordisonpodcast dot com. You 798 00:40:06,480 --> 00:40:09,719 Speaker 1: can subscribe right there, or head over to the iHeartRadio app, 799 00:40:09,880 --> 00:40:13,160 Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts and join 800 00:40:13,239 --> 00:40:15,360 Speaker 1: us next time on the Tutor Dixon Podcast. 801 00:40:15,560 --> 00:40:16,320 Speaker 2: Have a blessing,