1 00:00:02,520 --> 00:00:08,000 Speaker 1: This is let's be clear with Shannon Doherty. Hi, let's 2 00:00:08,080 --> 00:00:12,680 Speaker 1: be clear, listeners. I'm honored to be here. I'm Alex Devorak. 3 00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:16,040 Speaker 1: I'm a writer, director, a model, an executive producer of 4 00:00:16,120 --> 00:00:19,720 Speaker 1: the film Bad Survivor. Today, I'll be talking about my 5 00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:23,319 Speaker 1: experience being a cancer patient as a young person. I 6 00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:26,760 Speaker 1: was nineteen when I got treatment, and there's so much 7 00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:29,680 Speaker 1: to dive into here, into the unique experience of what 8 00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:33,280 Speaker 1: us adolescents and young adults go through when we're diagnosed. 9 00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:36,519 Speaker 1: So I want to talk about the aftermath of omission 10 00:00:37,240 --> 00:00:41,200 Speaker 1: and how I turned pain into art. I'll be discussing 11 00:00:41,320 --> 00:00:45,640 Speaker 1: my modeling career and my writing projects, which include graphic novels, films, 12 00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:49,240 Speaker 1: TV series and op eds that all center around Team 13 00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:53,960 Speaker 1: Rebellion with dark, humor and heart. So I'd love to 14 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:57,080 Speaker 1: start today by talking about my connection to Shannon Doherty, 15 00:00:57,560 --> 00:01:00,520 Speaker 1: of course, the reason why we're all here listening and 16 00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:05,120 Speaker 1: tuning into her podcast. I never met Shannon in person, 17 00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:08,880 Speaker 1: but her legacy has touched my life as I'm sure 18 00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:13,000 Speaker 1: it has touched all of yours. Growing up especially, I 19 00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:15,839 Speaker 1: was a big fan of the movie Heathers. That movie, 20 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:19,360 Speaker 1: in so many ways informed my writing and my desire 21 00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:21,560 Speaker 1: to show on screen and in all the mediums that 22 00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:27,400 Speaker 1: I write for insanely strong, unapologetic female characters who maybe 23 00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:30,680 Speaker 1: subvert our normal expectations of what we're used to seeing 24 00:01:30,959 --> 00:01:35,160 Speaker 1: women do on screen. And I feel like in real life, 25 00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:38,280 Speaker 1: Shannon had such a knack for speaking uncomfortable truths, and 26 00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:42,080 Speaker 1: that's something I've always felt a real kinship with her on. 27 00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:46,800 Speaker 1: So when I started my writing career, I started really 28 00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:49,920 Speaker 1: by publishing essays that said everything that I was afraid 29 00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:52,120 Speaker 1: to say out loud to my own family and friends, 30 00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:55,560 Speaker 1: but for some reason was courageous enough to publish it 31 00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:58,720 Speaker 1: out into the world. And I wanted to write about 32 00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:01,600 Speaker 1: all the taboo topics around a cancer diagnosis as a 33 00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:04,640 Speaker 1: young person, and that's I don't know, It's really been 34 00:02:04,680 --> 00:02:08,000 Speaker 1: people like Shannon who have spoken up and spoken out 35 00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:13,360 Speaker 1: who have inspired me to do the same. And honestly, 36 00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:15,200 Speaker 1: I was discussing the other day with a friend of 37 00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:16,960 Speaker 1: mine what I wanted to share on this podcast, and 38 00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:18,959 Speaker 1: I just loved what she said and I wrote it down. 39 00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:21,400 Speaker 1: She said, we grew up on the OC, and our 40 00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:24,000 Speaker 1: older sisters grew up on nine O two one oh, 41 00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:27,960 Speaker 1: and it's so true, like in nine on two one oh, 42 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:30,360 Speaker 1: of course, and it was, you know, the symbol of 43 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:33,239 Speaker 1: like the California lifestyle. At least that's how it felt 44 00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:36,639 Speaker 1: growing up on the East Coast. And it shows like 45 00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:38,160 Speaker 1: nine O two one O and the OC and the 46 00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:40,760 Speaker 1: hills that really inspired me growing up on the East coast, 47 00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:44,080 Speaker 1: like move to La So. I grew up in Washington, 48 00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:48,679 Speaker 1: d C. And I was just dreaming about this Cali lifestyle. 49 00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:52,360 Speaker 1: I went to an all girls Catholic high school with uniforms. 50 00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:57,080 Speaker 1: It was very preppy. I don't know, winters were really intense. 51 00:02:57,120 --> 00:03:00,079 Speaker 1: It was just East Coast in all of the way. 52 00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:03,320 Speaker 1: And I would sit and watch the OC and think like, 53 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:06,480 Speaker 1: oh my god, these kids have outdoor lockers, like they're 54 00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:10,960 Speaker 1: not concerned with rain, and they're friends with these surfer guys, 55 00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:13,160 Speaker 1: and there's palm trees, and I just thought it was 56 00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:17,079 Speaker 1: really idyllic and wonderful. And I would sit in my 57 00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:20,720 Speaker 1: childhood bedroom in high school and I would dream about 58 00:03:20,720 --> 00:03:24,680 Speaker 1: moving to California and that's all that I wanted and 59 00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:28,120 Speaker 1: that was truly my focus. So I worked hard in 60 00:03:28,160 --> 00:03:30,240 Speaker 1: school to get a four point o GPA to like 61 00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:32,919 Speaker 1: get into a school out of State, and I got 62 00:03:32,919 --> 00:03:36,200 Speaker 1: into my dream school, which was Loyola Marymount University LMU 63 00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:39,680 Speaker 1: in LA, right next to Lax up on the bluff, 64 00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:43,920 Speaker 1: you know, overlooking all of LA and Venice Beach and 65 00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:48,360 Speaker 1: the Hollywood Sign. And it was really this start of 66 00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:51,680 Speaker 1: my life. And I made my best friends the first 67 00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:53,160 Speaker 1: weekend of school I was there at you know, I 68 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:55,640 Speaker 1: didn't know anybody. I'd been to only once in my 69 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:59,240 Speaker 1: entire life. I was a total newbie, and I really, 70 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:00,960 Speaker 1: for the first time in my life, I felt like, Oh, 71 00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:03,840 Speaker 1: this is where I'm supposed to be this these are 72 00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:05,840 Speaker 1: my people. I knew I wanted to be in entertainment 73 00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:08,040 Speaker 1: in some fashion, though I had no clue in what 74 00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:11,160 Speaker 1: capacity yet, and I couldn't wait to explore that and 75 00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:14,040 Speaker 1: figure out where is my place in life? And this 76 00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:17,320 Speaker 1: was where all my energy lie. I was like, Oh, 77 00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:22,240 Speaker 1: in La. It was really the start of my my independence, 78 00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:26,520 Speaker 1: my growing up. And that's, of course sometimes when life 79 00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:30,080 Speaker 1: likes to throw you a curveball, as it does. So's 80 00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:34,400 Speaker 1: the beginning of my sophomore year. And I went home 81 00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:40,360 Speaker 1: to DC for Thanksgiving break and my mom the day 82 00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:42,480 Speaker 1: before Thanksgiving, she was like, well, I'm going to take 83 00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:44,880 Speaker 1: you to the pediatrician. You've been sick for a few months. 84 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:49,239 Speaker 1: Let's figure out what's going on. And so I'm waiting 85 00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:53,400 Speaker 1: the pediatrician's office with my mom and the doctor said 86 00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:55,839 Speaker 1: something like, you know, I can give you antiotics or 87 00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:59,240 Speaker 1: you can get a chest X ray. And I said, no, no, no, 88 00:04:59,279 --> 00:05:02,000 Speaker 1: I need a chest And I'm not sure why I 89 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:04,320 Speaker 1: said that. I don't think i'd ever gotten a chest 90 00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:08,200 Speaker 1: X right before. But I had been given antibiotics in 91 00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:10,359 Speaker 1: my school in LA and nothing was working. And I 92 00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:11,800 Speaker 1: think I was just sort of like, I just kind 93 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:12,960 Speaker 1: of get to the root of it. I don't know 94 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:14,200 Speaker 1: what the deal is, Like, I don't want to be 95 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:16,359 Speaker 1: sent home with pills and come back next week. And 96 00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:19,760 Speaker 1: so they sent me down the hole to get sex ray, 97 00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:22,360 Speaker 1: got it done. They gave me the results in this 98 00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:26,000 Speaker 1: big Manila envelope that I'll never forget. And I walk 99 00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:29,919 Speaker 1: back into the reception area and my mom and I 100 00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:33,960 Speaker 1: are sitting there for hours, for hours, and there's toddlers, 101 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:37,840 Speaker 1: you know, sneezing and being sick and their parents all 102 00:05:37,839 --> 00:05:40,360 Speaker 1: stressed out, and one by one, all these kids get 103 00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:43,320 Speaker 1: seen and leave and seen and leave, and it was 104 00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:47,120 Speaker 1: just at one point, just my mom and I and 105 00:05:47,279 --> 00:05:50,200 Speaker 1: the secretaries start packing up to leave, and the nurses 106 00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:53,360 Speaker 1: start packing up to leave, and I was like, this 107 00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:56,240 Speaker 1: is odd. So I being nosy as I take a 108 00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:59,719 Speaker 1: peek at the what's in the envelope? And I consider 109 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:03,840 Speaker 1: myself an intelligent, capable woman, but looking at the sheet 110 00:06:03,839 --> 00:06:07,320 Speaker 1: of paper, I had no idea what was on it. 111 00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:10,440 Speaker 1: It was it literally looked like a sheet of paper 112 00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:12,159 Speaker 1: that had just one long word on it, you know, 113 00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:16,080 Speaker 1: like entire paragraph of text. But I remember seeing one 114 00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:19,359 Speaker 1: word and it's had like lymphocite something. And I turned 115 00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:21,880 Speaker 1: my mom and I was like, Mom, what's lymphoma? And 116 00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:25,039 Speaker 1: she said, oh, it's it's a type of cancer. And 117 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:27,200 Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I've never I didn't know that, 118 00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:30,200 Speaker 1: like I've never heard that before. And that was it, 119 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:31,479 Speaker 1: and I put it back in the envelope and my 120 00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:34,279 Speaker 1: mom when I started talking about Thanksgiving dinner. My mom's 121 00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:37,320 Speaker 1: from Puerto Rico, so we do a big Puerto Rican 122 00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:41,080 Speaker 1: Thanksgiving meal with like a roast pig and rice and beans. 123 00:06:41,080 --> 00:06:43,800 Speaker 1: And we had spent the entire day my pedatrician's office, 124 00:06:43,839 --> 00:06:47,520 Speaker 1: so nothing was prepared, and so we were just talking 125 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:50,359 Speaker 1: about you know, we had to like pick up carrots 126 00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:51,960 Speaker 1: on the way home or something like. We were just 127 00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:55,120 Speaker 1: kind of going through the usual day to day routine 128 00:06:55,360 --> 00:07:00,520 Speaker 1: as if I hadn't just seen this result. I suppose 129 00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:02,880 Speaker 1: none of that had sunk into either one of us. 130 00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:06,240 Speaker 1: And I remember turning to my right to grab like 131 00:07:06,279 --> 00:07:11,000 Speaker 1: a tissue and turning back and my mom had like 132 00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:14,120 Speaker 1: scurried away into the doctor's office and the door had closed, 133 00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:17,480 Speaker 1: So now I'm staying alone in like a half dark 134 00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:21,679 Speaker 1: reception area. I just remember thinking like this can't be good, 135 00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:27,360 Speaker 1: Like I don't this doesn't feel right. And then my 136 00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:30,040 Speaker 1: mom came out like five minutes later, with like red 137 00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:33,440 Speaker 1: puffy eyes, and she sat down next to me and 138 00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:35,920 Speaker 1: just like stared straight ahead like no one. She wasn't 139 00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:38,080 Speaker 1: looking at me, which would be the start of many 140 00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:40,240 Speaker 1: people not making eye contact when needing to tell me 141 00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:43,600 Speaker 1: bad news turned out. But she was staring straight ahead 142 00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:50,320 Speaker 1: and she said, you have themphoma And I was like, no, no, 143 00:07:50,440 --> 00:07:52,320 Speaker 1: because like you said that was cancer, and she was 144 00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:56,200 Speaker 1: like yeah. And then I don't think I cried. I 145 00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:59,760 Speaker 1: don't think we said anything. We just sort of sat 146 00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:05,360 Speaker 1: and that thing happened in the movies where you start 147 00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:11,000 Speaker 1: to see your life flash forward, and I saw, you know, 148 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:13,880 Speaker 1: the graduation I was never going to have, and the 149 00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:17,520 Speaker 1: marriage and the kids, and the career and the success 150 00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:20,680 Speaker 1: that I always wanted, and all those things I was 151 00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:22,360 Speaker 1: never going to get because I was going to die 152 00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:27,320 Speaker 1: at nineteen. And so I don't know. We just sat there, 153 00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:31,440 Speaker 1: and the doctor eventually came out, and this amazing, really 154 00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:33,839 Speaker 1: kind man told me that his son had had the 155 00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:36,680 Speaker 1: exact same hodgkins am foma, and he had always wished 156 00:08:36,679 --> 00:08:38,640 Speaker 1: that the doctor had allowed him to tell his son, 157 00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:43,520 Speaker 1: and he wanted to give me that, and he did 158 00:08:43,559 --> 00:08:44,960 Speaker 1: look me in the eye and he did tell me, 159 00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:49,000 Speaker 1: this will be terrifying, and you will live. And he 160 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:52,280 Speaker 1: was like, go straight to the hospital, like don't go home. 161 00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:54,920 Speaker 1: Don't you can't go anywhere else, go home, or excuse me, 162 00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:57,880 Speaker 1: go well to your new home to the hospital, and 163 00:08:58,880 --> 00:09:00,640 Speaker 1: of course I didn't listen. I went. I wanted to 164 00:09:00,679 --> 00:09:03,760 Speaker 1: shower and eat food and process, and then we went 165 00:09:03,920 --> 00:09:06,120 Speaker 1: and he was right. I was in the hospital for 166 00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:10,520 Speaker 1: a very long time after that, and that's how I 167 00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:14,560 Speaker 1: was diagnosed. So I went to Children's hospital, as he 168 00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:17,480 Speaker 1: advised me to. Again, this was my pediatrician. I was nineteen, 169 00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:20,120 Speaker 1: and you know, when you're a teenager, you may very 170 00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:23,000 Speaker 1: well feel independent and like an adult in so many ways, 171 00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:25,680 Speaker 1: and like you know everything about everything, but you're a kid, 172 00:09:25,679 --> 00:09:28,800 Speaker 1: and also in so many ways. You know, maybe I 173 00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:31,559 Speaker 1: was allowed to vote, but I you know, I don't know. 174 00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:33,599 Speaker 1: I wasn't paying rent, I wasn't an adult. I was 175 00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:36,320 Speaker 1: an adult, but all of a sudden was being faced 176 00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:40,160 Speaker 1: with a very adult diagnosis and needed to make a 177 00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:44,559 Speaker 1: lot of adult decisions. So I was treated in a 178 00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:49,520 Speaker 1: children's hospital here in Washington, DC, and I was treated 179 00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:53,800 Speaker 1: alongside toddlers and little kids, and then there was me 180 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:59,000 Speaker 1: as a teenager. It's a very strange experience being the 181 00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:03,040 Speaker 1: only teen because these kids are you know, they really 182 00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:05,040 Speaker 1: inspired me in a lot of ways. They were always 183 00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:09,640 Speaker 1: in the coloring room and hooked up to their chemo, 184 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:12,320 Speaker 1: and their parents, you know, of course, right by their side, 185 00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:15,679 Speaker 1: and but they're smiling and they want to play and 186 00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:19,120 Speaker 1: they are very much still kids, which I thought was 187 00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:24,160 Speaker 1: always really cool. But as a teen, you know, unfortunately 188 00:10:24,440 --> 00:10:28,680 Speaker 1: or fortunately, I'm not sure I very much understand what's happening, 189 00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:32,600 Speaker 1: what's going on to your body, and what your odds 190 00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:37,840 Speaker 1: really are and that can be a very difficult burden. 191 00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:43,640 Speaker 1: And so I was admitted into the ICU and started 192 00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:48,640 Speaker 1: surgeries and chemo full time. My chemo schedule was Monday 193 00:10:48,679 --> 00:10:51,679 Speaker 1: through Friday, like at nine am to six pm sort 194 00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:55,959 Speaker 1: of deal. And I remember my first nurse. He was 195 00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:58,920 Speaker 1: amazing Sean. I will never forget him. He was just 196 00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:02,320 Speaker 1: like amazing gay man that is immediately bonded with and 197 00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:04,080 Speaker 1: and I see you. I was his only patient that 198 00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:07,320 Speaker 1: was awake and conscious. So I think he just was 199 00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:09,280 Speaker 1: really chatty and wanted to talk with me all night 200 00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:11,800 Speaker 1: and I loved that about him. And I remember him 201 00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:15,560 Speaker 1: closing my blinds one day and saying, oh, you know, 202 00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:17,079 Speaker 1: It's like he's like, oh, where do you go to school? 203 00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:18,400 Speaker 1: I was like, oh, LM you you know, and I 204 00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:20,840 Speaker 1: light lit up talking about La and my life in La. 205 00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:22,839 Speaker 1: And he's like, oh, it's a shame you're gonna have 206 00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:26,040 Speaker 1: to drop out of school. And I was like, oh, 207 00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:28,720 Speaker 1: I'm but I'm not. What do you I'm never going 208 00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:30,920 Speaker 1: to drop out of me Like this is no And 209 00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:34,280 Speaker 1: he was like oh, okay, you know. And I think 210 00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:36,440 Speaker 1: he gave me the time I needed to process. But 211 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:39,600 Speaker 1: I will never forget that moment because I was like, oh, 212 00:11:39,679 --> 00:11:43,280 Speaker 1: I'm I'm not going back to my life. Actually this 213 00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:46,320 Speaker 1: this is my my life, and you have to understand. 214 00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:49,600 Speaker 1: This happened over the course of several hours. So life 215 00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:54,200 Speaker 1: can can throw you curveballs, but I don't know. I've 216 00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:57,559 Speaker 1: always felt like the sooner, you know, the sooner you're 217 00:11:57,559 --> 00:12:02,040 Speaker 1: able to accept. I'm a planner, So the sooner I'm 218 00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:05,280 Speaker 1: able to accept and learn as much as I can, 219 00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:08,360 Speaker 1: then I can make a plan and move forward even 220 00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:12,920 Speaker 1: if it's difficult for me. Like education and understanding. You know, 221 00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:15,160 Speaker 1: I was given like a cancer binder, and I studied 222 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:18,000 Speaker 1: it every day like a total weirdo. That it really 223 00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:21,160 Speaker 1: gave me a lot of reassurance in some way to 224 00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:24,240 Speaker 1: understand what was happening inside my body, even if it 225 00:12:24,280 --> 00:12:29,240 Speaker 1: was horrific. And so, you know, the tumor that was 226 00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:31,880 Speaker 1: in my chest that showed in that original X ray 227 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:35,640 Speaker 1: was large and weighing on my heart and lungs. They 228 00:12:35,679 --> 00:12:40,080 Speaker 1: weren't able to operate on it, but luckily the chemo 229 00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:45,320 Speaker 1: really shrunk it fairly quickly. Actually, I mean, of course 230 00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:48,520 Speaker 1: it doesn't feel that way in treatment, but in hindsight, 231 00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:56,880 Speaker 1: treatment did work. It was effective for me, thankfully, And 232 00:12:57,880 --> 00:13:00,280 Speaker 1: you know, there is something I wanted to touch on here, 233 00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:04,239 Speaker 1: which was and I don't know if this is everyone's 234 00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:07,480 Speaker 1: experience in treatment or a lot of people's experience it, 235 00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:10,360 Speaker 1: or is it just sort of this teenage age that 236 00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:14,760 Speaker 1: I was, But I found that many times I wasn't 237 00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:19,000 Speaker 1: spoken to directly right. So for instance, like my care 238 00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:21,160 Speaker 1: team would be speaking to my parents out in the 239 00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:24,160 Speaker 1: hallway about something that was about to happen to my body, 240 00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:26,400 Speaker 1: or you know, surgery I ought to go into, or 241 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:30,760 Speaker 1: procedure or what the next step was. And I found 242 00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:33,600 Speaker 1: that very odd because it was happening to me, and 243 00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:37,200 Speaker 1: I was you know, I'm a teenager, but you you're 244 00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:42,160 Speaker 1: your own person enough at that point. And I really 245 00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:45,720 Speaker 1: worked hard, though I for sure lost this at some 246 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:47,680 Speaker 1: point in treatment, but I did work very hard in 247 00:13:47,679 --> 00:13:51,600 Speaker 1: the beginning of treatment to advocate for myself and speak up, 248 00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:54,880 Speaker 1: and I did in an odd way. Sometimes I have 249 00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:56,600 Speaker 1: to tell people to look me in the eye and 250 00:13:56,600 --> 00:13:59,960 Speaker 1: like give it to me straight. Often sometimes I would 251 00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:02,400 Speaker 1: have a doctor that would have to do that. When 252 00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:04,080 Speaker 1: my parents left, like there were certain things they wanted 253 00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:05,360 Speaker 1: to tell me, not in front of them. It was 254 00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:09,320 Speaker 1: just a really I was always kind of navigating this 255 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:11,800 Speaker 1: experience of wanting to be taken seriously, wanting to be 256 00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:15,040 Speaker 1: taken seriously as an adult though being in a children's hospital, 257 00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:20,280 Speaker 1: and they're obviously used to treating children and in a 258 00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:22,760 Speaker 1: different way. Of course, children are going to need a 259 00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:27,600 Speaker 1: different level of care than teens need. And something I 260 00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:30,200 Speaker 1: just want to mention a small tangent that feels like 261 00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:34,280 Speaker 1: incredibly important, is you know, I've been working really closely 262 00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:38,600 Speaker 1: with Teen Cancer America and they're this incredibly wonderful organization 263 00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:42,800 Speaker 1: and they're really doing the real work. They're creating facilities 264 00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:47,800 Speaker 1: and programs within existing hospitals right now to help treat 265 00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:51,040 Speaker 1: teens and help meet their needs that right now are 266 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:55,160 Speaker 1: not are really not being met. And teens really do 267 00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:58,400 Speaker 1: need something different than the grown adult and the elder thing. 268 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:01,840 Speaker 1: They need something different than the youth and the kids 269 00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:04,920 Speaker 1: in treatment. It just feels really important to mention, so 270 00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:08,040 Speaker 1: please check out Team Cancer America. They're doing such such 271 00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:11,160 Speaker 1: wonderful things. I'm really honored to be working with them 272 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:28,280 Speaker 1: and an advocate for them. So in my family of four, 273 00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:31,240 Speaker 1: as I mentioned, my mom is from Puerto Rico, my 274 00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:34,280 Speaker 1: dad is from Prague, and I have my big sister 275 00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:38,680 Speaker 1: who's one year older than me, and the four of us. 276 00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:41,040 Speaker 1: You know, of course, our families are far away and 277 00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:43,280 Speaker 1: in different places all over Europe in Puerto Rico, and 278 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:46,160 Speaker 1: so the four of us in DC like this close 279 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:51,920 Speaker 1: little unit. And my sister is a hypochondriac, and it 280 00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:54,000 Speaker 1: was very afraid to visit me in the hospital, though 281 00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:57,200 Speaker 1: she definitely conquered her fear and did it. But I 282 00:15:57,240 --> 00:16:01,160 Speaker 1: do I bring this up because I remember feeling like okay. 283 00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:04,760 Speaker 1: When I was diagnosed, I immediately felt like okay, of 284 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:08,520 Speaker 1: the four of us, I'm this makes sense. I'm glad 285 00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:11,040 Speaker 1: it's me, Like I'm the one that can do this. 286 00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:15,360 Speaker 1: I can I can handle this, and I don't think 287 00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:18,480 Speaker 1: I could handle seeing any one of them go through it. 288 00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:25,800 Speaker 1: And I used my competitiveness I always grew up as 289 00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:31,280 Speaker 1: an athlete to help me through treatment in so many ways. 290 00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:37,000 Speaker 1: So for instance, I used this point system. I would 291 00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:41,360 Speaker 1: use this point system in my mind to survive treatment. 292 00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:45,160 Speaker 1: I would play these games with myself. So for instance, 293 00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:50,120 Speaker 1: when I was receiving radiation, I'm you know, you're laying 294 00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:52,560 Speaker 1: down in a bed and they're dropping you in and 295 00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:55,200 Speaker 1: I had a radiation mass to make sure that you know, 296 00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:57,520 Speaker 1: my neck and shoulders and head weren't moving, of course, 297 00:16:57,560 --> 00:17:00,360 Speaker 1: to make sure that they're radiating the right area. And 298 00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:03,280 Speaker 1: right before they're putting on the mask and things, and 299 00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:07,000 Speaker 1: they're sort of boulting you in place. The nurses come 300 00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:08,560 Speaker 1: in and they're like adjusting me, and so I would 301 00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:10,480 Speaker 1: play this point system, Like if they had to adjust 302 00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:13,520 Speaker 1: me twice, then I like lost points, so they had 303 00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:15,120 Speaker 1: to if they didn't have adjust me at all, Like 304 00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:17,120 Speaker 1: I got a certain amount of points, and I would 305 00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:18,680 Speaker 1: have this point system, and at the end of the day, 306 00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:20,879 Speaker 1: I would like rank in my own head. And I 307 00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:22,919 Speaker 1: never told anybody this, but I would rank all my 308 00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:27,040 Speaker 1: points to see if, like did I win. And I 309 00:17:27,119 --> 00:17:30,280 Speaker 1: know that the journeys imported not wit necessarily winning or losing, 310 00:17:30,359 --> 00:17:32,359 Speaker 1: but that's just not how my brain works. Like I 311 00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:36,080 Speaker 1: love to win things. I loved to score goals and 312 00:17:36,359 --> 00:17:40,560 Speaker 1: winning helps me and I like competing with myself and 313 00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:45,040 Speaker 1: so I did a point system with just about anything 314 00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:51,400 Speaker 1: and everything, and it helped me get through treatment. And 315 00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:56,120 Speaker 1: I have written a young adult graphic novel about called 316 00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,760 Speaker 1: Chemo Kids, and it's about a girl a teen girl, 317 00:17:59,359 --> 00:18:02,600 Speaker 1: Dave All, who is being treated at a children's hospital, 318 00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:04,680 Speaker 1: and the kids that night come alive with this fantasy 319 00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:07,520 Speaker 1: world and they teach her how to play games, mind 320 00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:10,600 Speaker 1: games that win her points and it helps her cope 321 00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:15,520 Speaker 1: with her daytime. Like, it's just something I find fascinating now, 322 00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:18,480 Speaker 1: the mind games I played to survive, because it's something 323 00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:22,199 Speaker 1: I don't think I was necessarily aware of. I think 324 00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:25,480 Speaker 1: in the moment, I thought, I am so painfully bored 325 00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:29,919 Speaker 1: that I have now created this odd fantasy life. But 326 00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:34,280 Speaker 1: looking back now as an adult and realizing, wow, that 327 00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:39,360 Speaker 1: was really that took a lot of ingenuity Like that, 328 00:18:39,359 --> 00:18:43,159 Speaker 1: that's fascinating to me what the mind can do to 329 00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:46,560 Speaker 1: get you through something really dark, you know, finding something 330 00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:52,760 Speaker 1: light and playful. And I've always been a person that like, 331 00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:55,720 Speaker 1: I need a finish line, and of course with something 332 00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:58,920 Speaker 1: like cancer, there's not always you know, you don't really 333 00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:01,560 Speaker 1: you know it's going to come out to hour by hour, 334 00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:04,440 Speaker 1: day by day, or month by month. So I needed 335 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:06,119 Speaker 1: to sort of set this finish line at the end 336 00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:11,280 Speaker 1: of each day to show something for myself, you know, 337 00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:17,800 Speaker 1: to really continue. And you know, the day that I 338 00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:21,560 Speaker 1: was told I was cancer free, it was interesting. I 339 00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:26,880 Speaker 1: was twenty and my doctors pulled me into this room. 340 00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:31,200 Speaker 1: I knew every single inch of my hospital wing, of course, 341 00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:34,120 Speaker 1: and they brought me into this room I'd never seen before. 342 00:19:34,119 --> 00:19:36,760 Speaker 1: It was like a door that felt like it just appeared, 343 00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:39,240 Speaker 1: and they brought me in and it was like a 344 00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:42,760 Speaker 1: computer room, and I had all these wires and they 345 00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:45,840 Speaker 1: sat me and my parents down and we were in 346 00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:49,239 Speaker 1: these office chairs with the wheels on them. And you 347 00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:52,400 Speaker 1: have to understand at this point, I'm on so much medication, 348 00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:55,439 Speaker 1: and you know, I very much felt like there was 349 00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:57,640 Speaker 1: chemo my system though I was just finishing chemo and 350 00:19:57,720 --> 00:20:02,240 Speaker 1: moving onto radiation, and you know, sleeping pills and anti 351 00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:06,639 Speaker 1: nausea meds and anti anxiety meds and morphine and just 352 00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:09,919 Speaker 1: so much going on in my body. And I'm staring 353 00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:13,359 Speaker 1: at these wires for some reason, and maybe I'm a 354 00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:16,199 Speaker 1: little OCD and needed I don't know. I was just like, 355 00:20:16,359 --> 00:20:18,840 Speaker 1: what is this? It didn't I just really did not 356 00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:21,960 Speaker 1: know what they were to tell me. And they brought 357 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:25,000 Speaker 1: up on one of the screens my scans, and I 358 00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:27,680 Speaker 1: had sort of an obsession with scans. It really felt 359 00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:32,360 Speaker 1: like something real and tangible that I could see and 360 00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:36,960 Speaker 1: like measure progress. And so they opened up a scan, 361 00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:39,320 Speaker 1: which I thought looked really cool, and I'm trying to 362 00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:41,800 Speaker 1: figure out what's on it, and the doctor showed me 363 00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:45,080 Speaker 1: that my tumor had shrunk into such an extent that 364 00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:49,879 Speaker 1: it was dead and now considered scar tissue, and the 365 00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:53,160 Speaker 1: cancer that was on the other parts of my lymph 366 00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:57,119 Speaker 1: nodes were all gone and it hadn't spread to my 367 00:20:57,200 --> 00:21:03,560 Speaker 1: bone marrow, and I was now are free. And my 368 00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:06,760 Speaker 1: parents were in tears and hugging me and kissing me 369 00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:10,280 Speaker 1: and so joyful and relieved that their daughter was going 370 00:21:10,359 --> 00:21:15,439 Speaker 1: to be okay. And I just sat there staring at 371 00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:20,840 Speaker 1: the chords, and I had no idea what to say, 372 00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:24,480 Speaker 1: and I felt my doctor staring at me, sort of 373 00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:29,520 Speaker 1: waiting for something. And I will never forget one of 374 00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:33,119 Speaker 1: my doctors saying, this is the part where you're supposed 375 00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:39,640 Speaker 1: to be happy, and I wasn't happy, and I didn't 376 00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:42,560 Speaker 1: believe them. I don't know if that's odd to say, 377 00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:47,240 Speaker 1: but I was like, you know, someone's telling me you're healthy, 378 00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:50,679 Speaker 1: but this is not. This is not healthy, Like I 379 00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:54,440 Speaker 1: know healthy that I'm not. I feel terrible. I look, 380 00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:57,200 Speaker 1: you know what I mean? I look very much ill, 381 00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:02,120 Speaker 1: and I remember just sort of arguing actually a little bit, 382 00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:04,919 Speaker 1: and being like, but if I'm cancer free, why am 383 00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:07,520 Speaker 1: I going into tradation? And you know, I'd had friends 384 00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:10,439 Speaker 1: who had cancer and it came back, and so I 385 00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:15,560 Speaker 1: just wasn't trusting, and I certainly didn't feel happy. I 386 00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:19,600 Speaker 1: felt very confused and a bit ashamed that I wasn't happy, 387 00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:24,080 Speaker 1: and a bit ashamed that I wasn't maybe throwing the 388 00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:27,000 Speaker 1: parade or thinking them as I probably should have been 389 00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:30,840 Speaker 1: or could have been, but I wasn't. I wasn't feeling 390 00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:36,119 Speaker 1: those emotions. And I hope that anyone listening who has 391 00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:40,119 Speaker 1: felt that way before can release some of that shame 392 00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:44,560 Speaker 1: and know that you're not alone if you don't immediately 393 00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:49,879 Speaker 1: feel what others are expecting you to feel, and it's okay, 394 00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:53,080 Speaker 1: It's okay, right of course, Now looking back, I can 395 00:22:53,119 --> 00:22:57,560 Speaker 1: say I was in the midst of intense trauma, and 396 00:22:58,160 --> 00:23:01,960 Speaker 1: it is okay that I wasn't smiling or laughing or 397 00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:05,320 Speaker 1: didn't feel relieved yet you know, like that's that actually 398 00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:08,480 Speaker 1: kind of tracks that makes sense. And I sort of 399 00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:10,399 Speaker 1: felt like the relief in the celebration was for my 400 00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:14,840 Speaker 1: family to feel not me because I kind of felt like, welly, 401 00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:16,440 Speaker 1: I still have this burden, you know, I kind of 402 00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:20,280 Speaker 1: still felt like I still have all this to go 403 00:23:20,359 --> 00:23:23,560 Speaker 1: through and to I was still in the midst. And 404 00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:29,920 Speaker 1: you know, I don't think I realized I was going 405 00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:35,240 Speaker 1: to live until after radiation. And I went home home 406 00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:40,480 Speaker 1: for real home, like to my childhood home. And I 407 00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:43,600 Speaker 1: had never really been left alone for so many months, right, 408 00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:47,360 Speaker 1: Like you have your care team and your doctors and 409 00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:50,040 Speaker 1: your nurses, and you're always being poked and prodded, and 410 00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:52,760 Speaker 1: you know, my parents like watching me like a hawk. 411 00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:58,560 Speaker 1: And I was never alone, and like truly not even 412 00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:00,760 Speaker 1: to go to the bathroom. And and I was in 413 00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:04,639 Speaker 1: my kitchen and I was left alone for a few minutes, 414 00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:07,359 Speaker 1: and we always cook family dinner, and my mom had 415 00:24:07,359 --> 00:24:09,359 Speaker 1: asked me to like make this salad. And I was 416 00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:13,919 Speaker 1: cutting into this tomato, and I just started crying. And 417 00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:19,040 Speaker 1: I felt like I felt like I had I I 418 00:24:19,119 --> 00:24:21,320 Speaker 1: was supposed to die or something, and here I was 419 00:24:21,359 --> 00:24:24,639 Speaker 1: cutting this tomato and I was still alive enough to 420 00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:29,320 Speaker 1: like cut this beautiful, perfect tomato that came out of 421 00:24:29,359 --> 00:24:34,040 Speaker 1: the earth. And I just felt this insane moment of 422 00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:43,720 Speaker 1: relief and gratitude for this tomato. And I guess how interesting, 423 00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:46,600 Speaker 1: right that maybe that was the reaction someone had wanted 424 00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:49,879 Speaker 1: me to have months prior, and now it was truly 425 00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:52,159 Speaker 1: hitting me. And who knows, maybe it was all the 426 00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:54,600 Speaker 1: morphine that had finally wore off and now emotions could 427 00:24:54,600 --> 00:24:58,359 Speaker 1: come to the surface. I don't know, but I just 428 00:24:58,440 --> 00:25:02,359 Speaker 1: remember this beautifully perfect tomato for the rest of my life. 429 00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:07,199 Speaker 1: I will forever remember this tomato. And you know, I 430 00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:11,080 Speaker 1: think it's important to speak a bit about remission. I 431 00:25:11,119 --> 00:25:16,639 Speaker 1: think there's a moment in time where our community is 432 00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:19,440 Speaker 1: able to rest easy and you know, kind of check 433 00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:22,439 Speaker 1: the box of she's okay, you know, and sort of 434 00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:25,440 Speaker 1: like the castroles stop coming to the door, and care 435 00:25:25,520 --> 00:25:28,000 Speaker 1: packages kind of stopped in the letters, and you know, 436 00:25:28,119 --> 00:25:34,800 Speaker 1: and it's quiet, and now you're home and may very 437 00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:36,760 Speaker 1: well be, you know, addicted to the meds you've been 438 00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:39,040 Speaker 1: on for so long, and your doctors will sort of like, 439 00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:41,919 Speaker 1: see you in three months, and you're like, what, I 440 00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:43,959 Speaker 1: see you every second every day, like we're in this 441 00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:46,600 Speaker 1: for life. I truly remember feeling like my doctors broke 442 00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:48,119 Speaker 1: up with me the day they told me I was 443 00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:52,840 Speaker 1: cancer free, and that is why I made the film 444 00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:56,880 Speaker 1: Bad Survivor, which is in film festivals right now, and 445 00:25:57,680 --> 00:26:03,119 Speaker 1: it's really about the feeling of being a terrible survivor. 446 00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:07,920 Speaker 1: I am always, in my mind for some reason, told myself, wow, 447 00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:13,640 Speaker 1: I'm not pretty bad survivor, you know. And I grew 448 00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:16,439 Speaker 1: up watching the movie A Walk to Remember, not just 449 00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:19,080 Speaker 1: watching like idolight, being obsessed with the movie I Walk 450 00:26:19,119 --> 00:26:22,399 Speaker 1: to Remember, and still I think it's like beautiful and iconic, 451 00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:26,119 Speaker 1: but being obsessed with it prior to getting cancer as 452 00:26:26,119 --> 00:26:29,280 Speaker 1: a teenager and then getting cancer as a teenager is 453 00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:32,600 Speaker 1: wild because I really truly thought, well, when I'm bald, 454 00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:34,280 Speaker 1: you know, like the hottest guy in school is going 455 00:26:34,280 --> 00:26:36,600 Speaker 1: to fall in love with me, and I'll, you know, 456 00:26:36,840 --> 00:26:39,880 Speaker 1: just like gently pass on with like long braided hair 457 00:26:40,880 --> 00:26:43,760 Speaker 1: after like our summer of love. And that is not 458 00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:49,120 Speaker 1: whatsoever what happened. You know, Like little kids would scream 459 00:26:49,160 --> 00:26:50,480 Speaker 1: and run the other way when they saw me on 460 00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:52,280 Speaker 1: the street because they were scared of my bald head. 461 00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:56,400 Speaker 1: And certainly no one fell in love with me. And 462 00:26:56,640 --> 00:27:02,119 Speaker 1: I was definitely not an inspiration, and I you know, wasn't. 463 00:27:02,560 --> 00:27:04,960 Speaker 1: I wasn't raising millions of dollars for cancer research. I 464 00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:07,800 Speaker 1: wasn't talking about my experience. I wasn't brave, though everyone 465 00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:13,119 Speaker 1: called me that. I was a total top mess. I 466 00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:19,240 Speaker 1: was processing survivor's guilt in so many ways. I had 467 00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:24,240 Speaker 1: so many people around me die of cancer, and I 468 00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:29,359 Speaker 1: was like the last one standing, and that concept didn't 469 00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:33,440 Speaker 1: make sense to me, because like, why that doesn't That 470 00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:37,119 Speaker 1: does not make sense to me. So my friend Jocelyn 471 00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:43,240 Speaker 1: was like my cancer mentor or like very godmother or something. 472 00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:45,199 Speaker 1: Though she would hate for me to say that, but 473 00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:47,800 Speaker 1: she grew up in the house next to me, and 474 00:27:47,840 --> 00:27:49,840 Speaker 1: she was just a few years older than me when 475 00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:53,080 Speaker 1: she got cancer, and she had been in remission, it 476 00:27:53,119 --> 00:27:55,120 Speaker 1: had come back, had been remission, it had come back. 477 00:27:55,160 --> 00:27:58,200 Speaker 1: And when I got cancer, I was very isolated and 478 00:27:58,960 --> 00:28:03,080 Speaker 1: home alone and in my bom and wouldn't really let 479 00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:05,439 Speaker 1: visitors in the house and would just told me, you know, 480 00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:08,560 Speaker 1: at one point when I was incredibly sick, and you know, 481 00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:12,359 Speaker 1: just like a shut door kind of energy, And if 482 00:28:12,440 --> 00:28:13,920 Speaker 1: Josson showed up, I was like, oh my god, yes, 483 00:28:13,920 --> 00:28:15,880 Speaker 1: go go yeah, bring her and her please bring her in. 484 00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:17,639 Speaker 1: And she was the only person I would talk to 485 00:28:17,720 --> 00:28:20,480 Speaker 1: and the only person I would listen to and you know, 486 00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:23,639 Speaker 1: she taught me what mouthwashed to use, because you know, 487 00:28:23,680 --> 00:28:26,239 Speaker 1: this chemo med's going to give you mouth sores. And 488 00:28:26,280 --> 00:28:28,400 Speaker 1: someone had brought flowers and she's like, no, no, you can't 489 00:28:28,400 --> 00:28:30,520 Speaker 1: have these flowers because of this allergy. And she just 490 00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:32,480 Speaker 1: knew all the things I didn't know, Like, no one 491 00:28:32,760 --> 00:28:34,560 Speaker 1: taught me how to have cancer. I didn't know I 492 00:28:34,560 --> 00:28:36,040 Speaker 1: did what I was doing. I didn't know how to 493 00:28:36,119 --> 00:28:39,080 Speaker 1: do this. And there are certain things that your doctors 494 00:28:39,080 --> 00:28:41,360 Speaker 1: tell you, and there's a lot of things that they don't, 495 00:28:41,440 --> 00:28:44,120 Speaker 1: and you kind of learned the hard way how to 496 00:28:44,160 --> 00:28:48,320 Speaker 1: get used to this cancer life. And thank God for 497 00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:52,200 Speaker 1: Jocelyn because she just taught me so much. And she 498 00:28:52,360 --> 00:28:55,840 Speaker 1: was the only person I felt like I could be 499 00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:58,360 Speaker 1: in the same room with and like my shoulders could 500 00:28:58,400 --> 00:29:00,960 Speaker 1: kind of relax and I wasn't being judged. I could 501 00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:04,240 Speaker 1: just be me despite being cancer me, now, you know, 502 00:29:04,280 --> 00:29:06,920 Speaker 1: because cancer me sort of seemed to trigger a lot 503 00:29:06,960 --> 00:29:10,200 Speaker 1: of people, but not Jocelyn, like it could just it 504 00:29:10,280 --> 00:29:25,600 Speaker 1: was okay to be me when things were really dark 505 00:29:25,800 --> 00:29:29,200 Speaker 1: in treatment, she I was on the couch, I kind 506 00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:30,680 Speaker 1: of you know, I couldn't get up from the couch 507 00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:33,680 Speaker 1: for a long time, and she uh came over to 508 00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:35,600 Speaker 1: me as I was laying down, and she was like, okay, 509 00:29:35,640 --> 00:29:37,200 Speaker 1: this is good that you have the TV on. Just 510 00:29:37,320 --> 00:29:39,320 Speaker 1: you know, have something on that's funny. It doesn't matter 511 00:29:39,320 --> 00:29:41,840 Speaker 1: if you laugh whatever, just let it play. It's going 512 00:29:41,920 --> 00:29:44,239 Speaker 1: to help pass time and take up space. And she 513 00:29:44,280 --> 00:29:46,960 Speaker 1: was like, see the clock under the TV. You need 514 00:29:47,000 --> 00:29:51,080 Speaker 1: to live in ten minute increments. You're thinking too far ahead. 515 00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:54,520 Speaker 1: You need if you convince yourself that it's ten ten 516 00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:56,600 Speaker 1: am right now, okay, And if you get to ten 517 00:29:56,640 --> 00:29:59,520 Speaker 1: twenty am, that means you live. And then when it 518 00:29:59,560 --> 00:30:03,040 Speaker 1: hits it twenty you will make it to ten thirty. 519 00:30:03,040 --> 00:30:05,000 Speaker 1: If you make it to ten thirty, you will live. 520 00:30:05,080 --> 00:30:07,400 Speaker 1: And so for a while I was living in ten 521 00:30:07,440 --> 00:30:14,560 Speaker 1: minute increments. And when they said you're gonna live a 522 00:30:14,560 --> 00:30:18,560 Speaker 1: long life, my doctor said to me, I did not 523 00:30:18,680 --> 00:30:23,400 Speaker 1: know how to process that. And I thought, that's crazy 524 00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:26,120 Speaker 1: that I live in ten minute increments. What do you 525 00:30:26,200 --> 00:30:29,840 Speaker 1: mean you want me to live to ninety plus if 526 00:30:29,840 --> 00:30:32,160 Speaker 1: this is life? I don't think I can do ninety plus, 527 00:30:32,200 --> 00:30:37,840 Speaker 1: you know. And so I at some point started to 528 00:30:37,840 --> 00:30:41,840 Speaker 1: get good scans back and back and back, and I thought, 529 00:30:42,120 --> 00:30:46,120 Speaker 1: oh no, why maybe I am going to live a 530 00:30:46,160 --> 00:30:49,840 Speaker 1: long life, and you know, everyone else has passed away, 531 00:30:49,840 --> 00:30:53,600 Speaker 1: and I have to figure out why I'm still here, 532 00:30:53,720 --> 00:30:57,040 Speaker 1: or maybe not why if that's something even you can 533 00:30:57,080 --> 00:30:59,920 Speaker 1: figure out, but how to make the most of this, 534 00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:04,640 Speaker 1: Like I can't sit in wallow at the old life 535 00:31:04,680 --> 00:31:08,600 Speaker 1: that I no longer have and lost, you know, and 536 00:31:08,680 --> 00:31:13,120 Speaker 1: the friendships lost and the school and the new life lost. 537 00:31:13,200 --> 00:31:16,360 Speaker 1: Like I'm going to have to accept where I am 538 00:31:16,400 --> 00:31:21,920 Speaker 1: today and move forward with some type of new self 539 00:31:21,720 --> 00:31:24,400 Speaker 1: if truly I'm gonna have a long life, Like I've 540 00:31:24,400 --> 00:31:29,400 Speaker 1: got to figure this out. And so really like accepting 541 00:31:29,440 --> 00:31:34,360 Speaker 1: and rebuilding for me looked like attempting to gain some 542 00:31:34,440 --> 00:31:38,000 Speaker 1: type of control back. So there was a time where 543 00:31:38,720 --> 00:31:40,480 Speaker 1: you would walk in I would walk into a Barnes 544 00:31:40,480 --> 00:31:44,160 Speaker 1: and Noble and that whole self help section where they 545 00:31:44,160 --> 00:31:45,920 Speaker 1: have the shelves, they have the table of it all 546 00:31:46,000 --> 00:31:50,960 Speaker 1: dayed out. I had read every single book in self 547 00:31:50,960 --> 00:31:54,240 Speaker 1: help section more than once, mind you, And I was 548 00:31:54,240 --> 00:31:55,840 Speaker 1: actually a little annoyed at one point because I was like, 549 00:31:56,000 --> 00:31:58,840 Speaker 1: we need to publish some new you know, I'm devouring these. 550 00:31:58,880 --> 00:32:02,440 Speaker 1: I need more, I need to learn everything. And I 551 00:32:02,560 --> 00:32:08,040 Speaker 1: really became a student of finding people often successful people 552 00:32:08,080 --> 00:32:12,280 Speaker 1: because they were easier to find to research. I wanted 553 00:32:12,320 --> 00:32:15,120 Speaker 1: to find people who had been through traumas worse than mine. 554 00:32:15,680 --> 00:32:18,640 Speaker 1: My dad always taught me, like, never feel sorry for yourself. 555 00:32:18,640 --> 00:32:21,960 Speaker 1: You there's always someone worse off. There's always someone going 556 00:32:21,960 --> 00:32:25,720 Speaker 1: through something, something worse, which is absolutely always true for me. 557 00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:30,400 Speaker 1: That's how I feel. And so, you know how I 558 00:32:30,440 --> 00:32:33,160 Speaker 1: wanted to learn how someone else had gone through something 559 00:32:33,200 --> 00:32:36,760 Speaker 1: worse than me and transformed their life like. I wanted 560 00:32:36,760 --> 00:32:41,040 Speaker 1: to learn how was someone joyful after trauma and not 561 00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:45,120 Speaker 1: just joyful, but like full Like how did someone rebuild 562 00:32:45,160 --> 00:32:50,000 Speaker 1: their life, how did they re enter society, how did 563 00:32:50,040 --> 00:32:51,600 Speaker 1: they have a full like? How are they successful? How 564 00:32:51,640 --> 00:32:53,719 Speaker 1: did they go after what they wanted? How did they 565 00:32:53,760 --> 00:32:57,280 Speaker 1: pursue their dreams again? When at the time I was 566 00:32:57,320 --> 00:33:00,080 Speaker 1: afraid to walk outside. I thought a piano would fall 567 00:33:00,120 --> 00:33:03,240 Speaker 1: and hit me in the head. I really was scared 568 00:33:03,320 --> 00:33:08,920 Speaker 1: of life, very very scared, and I had this goal 569 00:33:09,160 --> 00:33:14,560 Speaker 1: of you know, I wanted no one. I wanted people 570 00:33:14,640 --> 00:33:17,360 Speaker 1: to see me, to meet me, someone brand new. I 571 00:33:17,360 --> 00:33:19,000 Speaker 1: wanted to walk into a room and I wanted someone 572 00:33:19,040 --> 00:33:22,920 Speaker 1: to meet me and have no idea I had ever 573 00:33:22,960 --> 00:33:26,240 Speaker 1: been through trauma Like that was my goal was to 574 00:33:26,280 --> 00:33:30,520 Speaker 1: be such a light in the room that someone saying, oh, 575 00:33:30,560 --> 00:33:33,680 Speaker 1: she's probably had such like an easy life and a 576 00:33:33,680 --> 00:33:36,000 Speaker 1: perfect child, like that still makes me smile. I honestly 577 00:33:36,080 --> 00:33:39,960 Speaker 1: think that is like the best compliment ever. And then 578 00:33:39,640 --> 00:33:41,640 Speaker 1: I wanted to have sort of like this like the 579 00:33:41,680 --> 00:33:43,840 Speaker 1: secret in the back of my mind just for me 580 00:33:44,040 --> 00:33:46,480 Speaker 1: to be like I've been to Helen back, but no 581 00:33:46,520 --> 00:33:49,560 Speaker 1: one has to know that I really felt during treatment. 582 00:33:50,880 --> 00:33:53,920 Speaker 1: If I walked into a room, I was sort of 583 00:33:53,960 --> 00:33:57,280 Speaker 1: this like darkness on not knowing, never on purpose, without 584 00:33:57,280 --> 00:33:59,440 Speaker 1: having said saying a word. I was sort of like 585 00:33:59,480 --> 00:34:03,920 Speaker 1: reminding people of death. And I lowered the energy of 586 00:34:03,920 --> 00:34:06,440 Speaker 1: the room and people got really shifty and wanted to leave. 587 00:34:06,520 --> 00:34:09,200 Speaker 1: And if I set a scent, if I even mentioned 588 00:34:09,200 --> 00:34:12,560 Speaker 1: the word, can't you know forget it? Like so, I 589 00:34:12,600 --> 00:34:15,080 Speaker 1: wanted the opposite. I wanted the opposite. I wanted to 590 00:34:15,120 --> 00:34:20,319 Speaker 1: be a literal ray of sunshine and be bigger than life. 591 00:34:20,360 --> 00:34:23,640 Speaker 1: And I would study people like Audrey Hepburn because I 592 00:34:23,680 --> 00:34:25,759 Speaker 1: would watch her movies all night. I was in insomniac, 593 00:34:25,800 --> 00:34:29,000 Speaker 1: I couldn't sleep, so I'd spent all night watching Audrey 594 00:34:29,040 --> 00:34:33,600 Speaker 1: hepburn movies, and she seemed so like she floated on screen, 595 00:34:33,920 --> 00:34:36,959 Speaker 1: and she was light and airy, and no one knew 596 00:34:37,120 --> 00:34:40,560 Speaker 1: all this trauma. She had been through war and had 597 00:34:40,560 --> 00:34:46,080 Speaker 1: a really difficult childhood, and people see this starlet on camera, 598 00:34:46,160 --> 00:34:49,160 Speaker 1: and I just thought, she brings me joy when I 599 00:34:49,200 --> 00:34:51,279 Speaker 1: watch her. And I wanted people to feel that way 600 00:34:51,320 --> 00:34:53,839 Speaker 1: when they met me, or watched me in some way, 601 00:34:53,960 --> 00:34:59,960 Speaker 1: or read my writing or and so I was finding 602 00:35:00,080 --> 00:35:04,880 Speaker 1: all these tools to take little bits and pieces of 603 00:35:05,120 --> 00:35:07,960 Speaker 1: what had worked for other people. So I started to 604 00:35:08,000 --> 00:35:11,719 Speaker 1: see a ton of healers, because it's not just obviously, 605 00:35:11,880 --> 00:35:14,760 Speaker 1: you know, celebrities and well known people who have something 606 00:35:14,880 --> 00:35:18,400 Speaker 1: to offer us, though they may write, but it is 607 00:35:18,520 --> 00:35:23,600 Speaker 1: truly anyone I met. I wanted to learn what worked 608 00:35:23,600 --> 00:35:26,960 Speaker 1: for them in life, like why were they happy? How 609 00:35:26,960 --> 00:35:29,759 Speaker 1: did they get too happy? Like how does one do 610 00:35:29,840 --> 00:35:34,600 Speaker 1: this right? And so, for instance, I went to get 611 00:35:34,640 --> 00:35:37,920 Speaker 1: a massage, and this messuse was just like she actually 612 00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:39,719 Speaker 1: changed my life in so many ways. I saw her 613 00:35:39,719 --> 00:35:43,239 Speaker 1: for a long time, and I told her once I 614 00:35:43,280 --> 00:35:45,560 Speaker 1: shared with her before session, I was like, you know, 615 00:35:45,600 --> 00:35:47,600 Speaker 1: everyone keeps telling me everything's going to be okay, Everything's 616 00:35:47,600 --> 00:35:49,880 Speaker 1: going to be okay, and God has a plan for 617 00:35:49,880 --> 00:35:53,080 Speaker 1: you and everything's gonna be okay. And I kept thinking, like, no, 618 00:35:53,160 --> 00:35:54,879 Speaker 1: it's not. How do you know everything's gonna be okay? 619 00:35:54,880 --> 00:35:56,320 Speaker 1: Like why are you telling me it's gonna be okay? 620 00:35:56,840 --> 00:36:03,279 Speaker 1: I kind of found it difficult, and she said to me, well, 621 00:36:03,920 --> 00:36:08,440 Speaker 1: maybe everything could be okay, you know, like maybe it could, 622 00:36:08,520 --> 00:36:10,399 Speaker 1: And just that one sentence kind of changed my life. 623 00:36:10,400 --> 00:36:12,240 Speaker 1: I was like, okay, like let me allow some room 624 00:36:12,320 --> 00:36:16,600 Speaker 1: for could. And I just found these little bits and 625 00:36:16,640 --> 00:36:20,279 Speaker 1: pieces from healers and friends and celebrities and anyone I 626 00:36:20,320 --> 00:36:26,320 Speaker 1: could to start changing my mindset, and I was able 627 00:36:26,360 --> 00:36:30,239 Speaker 1: to really start to rebuild my life. It's crazy to say. 628 00:36:30,360 --> 00:36:35,120 Speaker 1: I transferred to a school in DC and I graduated 629 00:36:35,239 --> 00:36:37,600 Speaker 1: while doing all of this studying on my own about 630 00:36:37,640 --> 00:36:40,479 Speaker 1: like life and joy, and I moved to New York. 631 00:36:40,760 --> 00:36:43,799 Speaker 1: I got an internship at seventeen magazine, which was like 632 00:36:43,880 --> 00:36:47,080 Speaker 1: my dream to be in the fashion closet of seventeen magazine. 633 00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:52,200 Speaker 1: And one day I was watching this model. We were 634 00:36:52,239 --> 00:36:55,279 Speaker 1: styling a model for an editorial photoshoot, and of course 635 00:36:55,280 --> 00:36:57,040 Speaker 1: I'm behind the camera, She's in front of the camera, 636 00:36:57,120 --> 00:37:00,600 Speaker 1: and she was really in charge of her body and 637 00:37:00,640 --> 00:37:06,280 Speaker 1: like taking ownership and so beautiful and wonderful and moving 638 00:37:07,200 --> 00:37:10,920 Speaker 1: just like just in full confidence. And I just remember thinking, 639 00:37:10,960 --> 00:37:16,239 Speaker 1: like I want to do that, I want to feel that. 640 00:37:17,520 --> 00:37:20,839 Speaker 1: And that was the start of my modeling career. I 641 00:37:20,880 --> 00:37:25,799 Speaker 1: got signed in New York and I Milan in LA 642 00:37:25,960 --> 00:37:30,479 Speaker 1: and I started to travel the world to get paid 643 00:37:30,520 --> 00:37:34,840 Speaker 1: to model, and was the this was what I always wanted, 644 00:37:34,920 --> 00:37:36,680 Speaker 1: right like this life where no one knew what I 645 00:37:36,719 --> 00:37:40,200 Speaker 1: had been through, and I was starting to really fulfill it, 646 00:37:40,280 --> 00:37:44,200 Speaker 1: right like I was on the runways and like quite 647 00:37:44,280 --> 00:37:48,160 Speaker 1: literally having just come from you know, a scan, and 648 00:37:48,239 --> 00:37:51,640 Speaker 1: I was keeping in a secret and I wasn't telling anyone, 649 00:37:52,320 --> 00:37:55,000 Speaker 1: and I wanted to define myself by something other than 650 00:37:55,560 --> 00:38:00,200 Speaker 1: my cancer diagnosis. And that worked for a while for 651 00:38:00,239 --> 00:38:05,720 Speaker 1: several years. It felt empowering until I realized, I'm covering 652 00:38:05,760 --> 00:38:10,360 Speaker 1: up my port scar, I'm maybe covering up the old me, 653 00:38:10,480 --> 00:38:13,319 Speaker 1: and that I don't I felt this sense of like 654 00:38:13,360 --> 00:38:17,160 Speaker 1: I don't deserve that, Like let me let me reintegrate 655 00:38:17,560 --> 00:38:20,640 Speaker 1: both sides of my life, my cancer journey and this 656 00:38:20,760 --> 00:38:25,120 Speaker 1: new fresh life in Manhattan that I was having. And 657 00:38:25,560 --> 00:38:28,120 Speaker 1: so I started to write and I started to pour 658 00:38:28,239 --> 00:38:32,480 Speaker 1: this into an essay for the Huffington Post that I published, 659 00:38:32,480 --> 00:38:36,800 Speaker 1: which was really like my coming out with the truth story, 660 00:38:37,200 --> 00:38:41,560 Speaker 1: and I was able to share with my agents at 661 00:38:41,600 --> 00:38:45,160 Speaker 1: the time, my new friends in Manhattan. No one knew 662 00:38:45,280 --> 00:38:48,360 Speaker 1: I was a cancer survivor and what I was going through, 663 00:38:48,480 --> 00:38:52,480 Speaker 1: as you know, through these many years in remission, and 664 00:38:52,680 --> 00:38:57,160 Speaker 1: it was incredibly, incredibly liberating. And I highly suggest to 665 00:38:57,200 --> 00:39:02,480 Speaker 1: anyone listening to find ways to pour your trauma and 666 00:39:02,480 --> 00:39:04,839 Speaker 1: what you've been through, if possible, into art. That can 667 00:39:04,920 --> 00:39:07,799 Speaker 1: be anything, painting, writing, and you don't have to share 668 00:39:07,840 --> 00:39:10,359 Speaker 1: it with anyone. I chose to at one point because 669 00:39:10,400 --> 00:39:12,200 Speaker 1: that felt empowering for me, but you don't have to. 670 00:39:12,320 --> 00:39:15,359 Speaker 1: It can be in a diary, but allow yourself to 671 00:39:15,400 --> 00:39:21,240 Speaker 1: tell yourself your own narrative. And for me, this full 672 00:39:21,320 --> 00:39:24,880 Speaker 1: full circle moment of turning my pain into art is 673 00:39:24,960 --> 00:39:30,239 Speaker 1: my film Bad Survivor. It's this story about a girl 674 00:39:30,280 --> 00:39:32,520 Speaker 1: broken up with by her doctors who has to come 675 00:39:32,520 --> 00:39:36,759 Speaker 1: home to her multicultural family, just like I did, and 676 00:39:37,480 --> 00:39:40,400 Speaker 1: put the pieces of her life back together. And what 677 00:39:40,520 --> 00:39:43,960 Speaker 1: was most satisfying about this film is well, in a 678 00:39:44,080 --> 00:39:47,080 Speaker 1: odd way, playing the main character. You know, I wrote it, 679 00:39:47,200 --> 00:39:50,759 Speaker 1: directed it, and started it, and this main character gets 680 00:39:50,760 --> 00:39:54,440 Speaker 1: to turn to camera and say all the sassy, naughty 681 00:39:54,480 --> 00:39:57,120 Speaker 1: things that she never got to say in real life, 682 00:39:57,920 --> 00:40:04,560 Speaker 1: and it is an incredibly therapeutic, really funny moment. It's 683 00:40:04,600 --> 00:40:08,320 Speaker 1: really bringing dark humor to a day that was actually 684 00:40:08,960 --> 00:40:12,200 Speaker 1: probably had no humor for me in real life, you know, 685 00:40:12,280 --> 00:40:14,680 Speaker 1: but I'm able to bring back to it all of 686 00:40:14,680 --> 00:40:17,960 Speaker 1: the hilarious things that I was actually thinking in my head, 687 00:40:18,480 --> 00:40:21,439 Speaker 1: all those mind games that I used to play. And 688 00:40:22,040 --> 00:40:23,640 Speaker 1: one thing I want to touch on, which I find 689 00:40:23,680 --> 00:40:27,920 Speaker 1: really important and interesting, is that screening Bad Survivor at 690 00:40:27,920 --> 00:40:32,640 Speaker 1: film festivals now getting a sense of are people able 691 00:40:32,680 --> 00:40:35,719 Speaker 1: to find the humor in a cancer story? Right? I 692 00:40:35,760 --> 00:40:37,919 Speaker 1: think we're used to seeing the sort of over romanticized 693 00:40:37,960 --> 00:40:41,279 Speaker 1: young people's version of cancer stories where they fall in love, 694 00:40:41,800 --> 00:40:44,560 Speaker 1: and then maybe the really melodramatic sort of adult versions, 695 00:40:44,640 --> 00:40:48,359 Speaker 1: And this is that in between that teen story, right, 696 00:40:48,520 --> 00:40:51,839 Speaker 1: Like that angsty teenager who's going through all the same things, 697 00:40:51,840 --> 00:40:55,000 Speaker 1: who probably just wants to lose her virginity and make 698 00:40:55,040 --> 00:40:57,680 Speaker 1: it through finals, but she has all of these intense 699 00:40:57,719 --> 00:41:00,000 Speaker 1: life and death decisions to make at the same time. 700 00:41:00,719 --> 00:41:05,080 Speaker 1: And in film festivals, I'm finding that In the first punchline, 701 00:41:05,440 --> 00:41:08,400 Speaker 1: the audience is a little like, are we okay? Is 702 00:41:08,400 --> 00:41:10,800 Speaker 1: it okay to laugh at this? And by the second 703 00:41:10,840 --> 00:41:13,040 Speaker 1: and the third one, they're realizing that the main character 704 00:41:13,120 --> 00:41:15,839 Speaker 1: is laughing at herself. It is okay to laugh. It 705 00:41:15,880 --> 00:41:17,600 Speaker 1: is Oh, just because she's bald does not mean she 706 00:41:17,600 --> 00:41:21,080 Speaker 1: doesn't have a sense of humor, and people really rest 707 00:41:21,239 --> 00:41:25,480 Speaker 1: and relax. And the biggest laugh that shocked me, honestly 708 00:41:25,960 --> 00:41:29,480 Speaker 1: was when the title Bad Survivor in huge capital letters 709 00:41:29,560 --> 00:41:31,440 Speaker 1: is just thrown on screen and there was like a 710 00:41:31,560 --> 00:41:35,040 Speaker 1: roar of laughter, and I was like, oh, wow, how 711 00:41:35,200 --> 00:41:38,279 Speaker 1: interesting people find Bad Survivor the title funny. That's just 712 00:41:38,280 --> 00:41:42,560 Speaker 1: something I've been calling myself all of these years. Bad 713 00:41:42,640 --> 00:41:46,760 Speaker 1: Survivor the film is truly just the start of something bigger. 714 00:41:47,160 --> 00:41:49,719 Speaker 1: It's the start of the TV series that I'm developing. 715 00:41:50,280 --> 00:41:54,160 Speaker 1: So I just want to say, you know, if anyone 716 00:41:54,239 --> 00:41:58,200 Speaker 1: out there is listening and they feel they're in treatment 717 00:41:58,280 --> 00:42:00,520 Speaker 1: or in remission, and I don't know, you may be 718 00:42:00,680 --> 00:42:03,799 Speaker 1: bald and weird and sarcastic, and certain friends may no 719 00:42:03,840 --> 00:42:06,560 Speaker 1: longer be around, and it might feel like no one 720 00:42:06,560 --> 00:42:10,920 Speaker 1: gets you. But I do. I do, and we do, 721 00:42:11,280 --> 00:42:14,960 Speaker 1: and there's this community of us, and I feel like 722 00:42:15,000 --> 00:42:19,400 Speaker 1: our stories really do deserve to be told. Thank you 723 00:42:19,480 --> 00:42:23,840 Speaker 1: so much for tuning in today. It's been an absolute 724 00:42:23,920 --> 00:42:27,240 Speaker 1: treat to get to share the same airwaves as Shannon's 725 00:42:27,280 --> 00:42:30,440 Speaker 1: already and her legacy absolutely lives on, and I so 726 00:42:30,520 --> 00:42:34,400 Speaker 1: appreciate you all for listening. If anyone is interested in 727 00:42:34,760 --> 00:42:38,400 Speaker 1: watching my short film and learning more about it, Bad Survivor, 728 00:42:38,719 --> 00:42:41,760 Speaker 1: please feel free to check out Bad Survivor dot com 729 00:42:41,800 --> 00:42:43,920 Speaker 1: to see when we'll be screening in a city near you, 730 00:42:44,680 --> 00:42:46,640 Speaker 1: and to follow me and see all the latest on 731 00:42:46,760 --> 00:42:49,760 Speaker 1: all my projects. You can go to Alexdoborak dot com 732 00:42:50,320 --> 00:42:52,440 Speaker 1: or go ahead and follow me on Instagram. My handle 733 00:42:52,520 --> 00:42:55,600 Speaker 1: is at It's Alex Devorek and of course if you 734 00:42:55,640 --> 00:42:57,319 Speaker 1: google my name, all of these will come up, so 735 00:42:57,440 --> 00:43:01,440 Speaker 1: no worries. I'm easy to find. If this podcast resonated 736 00:43:01,480 --> 00:43:04,120 Speaker 1: with you in any way, I'd love to hear from you. 737 00:43:04,520 --> 00:43:07,120 Speaker 1: Please feel free to reach out. I love you all. 738 00:43:07,200 --> 00:43:07,560 Speaker 1: Thank you,