WEBVTT - Dealing With Loss (w/ Carla Ferrell) 0:00:01.040 --> 0:00:04.040 Hey, y'all, you're listening to the Vitamin dep Podcast with 0:00:04.160 --> 0:00:06.520 Dawn Day, and I'm here to shed light into your life, 0:00:06.680 --> 0:00:09.600 giving you insights and perspectives that can help you discover 0:00:09.720 --> 0:00:12.200 what exactly it is that you can gain by trusting you. 0:00:12.520 --> 0:00:15.080 And when I talk about gang, I don't just mean 0:00:15.120 --> 0:00:19.040 material things. No, I mean something deeper. I'm talking about 0:00:19.280 --> 0:00:21.759 gaining that spark, that thing that lights the fire in 0:00:21.800 --> 0:00:24.800 your belly, that spark that ignites the twinkle in your eye. 0:00:24.800 --> 0:00:28.680 I'm talking about spiritual growth. I'm talking about coming to 0:00:28.720 --> 0:00:32.199 the realization and walking in it knowing that you are 0:00:32.240 --> 0:00:35.159 your greatest asset. And as I think about how to 0:00:35.240 --> 0:00:38.480 grow and how I've grown, what I keep coming back 0:00:38.479 --> 0:00:42.880 to is this, sometimes the moments of loss is what 0:00:43.080 --> 0:00:46.800 we gain our greatest growth. Like for me, it came 0:00:46.840 --> 0:00:53.320 down to losing my mother. Four my mother died, I 0:00:53.520 --> 0:00:58.360 realized I kind of bet on me. I go so 0:00:58.520 --> 0:01:03.160 hard because of my mother, I wouldn't be where I am. 0:01:03.200 --> 0:01:06.399 And you know, losing my brother at was like a 0:01:06.480 --> 0:01:10.920 dobe edged sword because on one end you missed the 0:01:10.959 --> 0:01:14.000 fact that's your mama. Do you know what the person 0:01:14.080 --> 0:01:16.480 that you would lying on to do oh, that you 0:01:16.640 --> 0:01:20.319 do the person that's gonna give you the encouragement. But 0:01:20.440 --> 0:01:23.880 on the other end, I gotta go so hard because 0:01:24.600 --> 0:01:28.119 I don't have my mother here. I don't have anybody 0:01:28.160 --> 0:01:31.360 that I can just completely lean on that's over me. 0:01:31.800 --> 0:01:34.960 That propelled my growth. And in that moment, the last 0:01:35.040 --> 0:01:39.280 moments I spent with my mother, I learned that sometimes 0:01:40.280 --> 0:01:42.920 the greatest form of love is letting go. Because I 0:01:42.959 --> 0:01:46.880 had to look at her and I said, Mommy, if 0:01:46.880 --> 0:01:50.880 you were in paying, you can go. And I grew 0:01:50.920 --> 0:01:54.800 up in the character of not being selfish. I understand 0:01:54.920 --> 0:01:58.880 that time is short and you can't wait, understanding that 0:01:59.080 --> 0:02:04.760 Dart got bit on me, And so thinking about that, 0:02:04.880 --> 0:02:06.800 I thought it would be good to talk to a 0:02:06.840 --> 0:02:10.440 good friend of mentor and colleague, Carla Ferrell about what 0:02:10.520 --> 0:02:12.760 it means to become who you want to be because 0:02:12.760 --> 0:02:16.960 of the losses that we've experiences, the losses that we've had, 0:02:17.040 --> 0:02:21.200 and despite them, how we've seen our life come to 0:02:21.240 --> 0:02:25.400 its success. So we talk about our similar experiences and 0:02:25.480 --> 0:02:28.640 losing our mothers and learning how to move through the 0:02:28.639 --> 0:02:32.720 grieving process, and how our support systems put us through 0:02:33.160 --> 0:02:36.720 and help us shape our understanding of these moments when 0:02:36.720 --> 0:02:42.399 our world are suddenly shook. So, without further ado, it's 0:02:42.440 --> 0:02:46.079 time for your dose of Vitamin D. Get your vitaminy 0:02:46.720 --> 0:02:55.440 right with me and get excited. Well, ladies and gentlemen, 0:02:55.600 --> 0:02:58.920 welcome to the Vitamin D Podcast. It is my esteem 0:02:59.000 --> 0:03:05.840 pleasure to wel them. The one and only Carla Pharaoh. 0:03:05.040 --> 0:03:12.440 What what's up? Good? How are you? I'm good? You know. Uh, 0:03:12.480 --> 0:03:17.280 it's a lot going on outside right now. Yeah, it's 0:03:17.320 --> 0:03:20.840 a lot. This COVID nineteen, this pandemic. A lot of 0:03:20.960 --> 0:03:26.239 people are being challenged about who they are, what they're doing, 0:03:26.560 --> 0:03:30.200 and how they're living. Mm hmm, it's so true. All 0:03:30.280 --> 0:03:32.920 of us are, for sure. And you know, we're just 0:03:32.919 --> 0:03:35.080 saying a lot going on ward. You know, not only 0:03:35.160 --> 0:03:38.320 is the virus taking lives, but just the chaoticness, what's 0:03:38.360 --> 0:03:43.080 going on with social injustice. Um, we've got people battling depression. 0:03:43.680 --> 0:03:46.320 It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot, and 0:03:46.600 --> 0:03:48.920 it just reminds me of what we're gonna talk about today. 0:03:48.920 --> 0:03:51.680 And it has a lot to deal with loss and 0:03:51.960 --> 0:03:53.800 you know, just thinking about the climate of like we 0:03:53.800 --> 0:03:56.440 were talking about what's going on, we also think about 0:03:56.440 --> 0:03:59.360 our own personal loss because whether it's a family member, where, 0:03:59.360 --> 0:04:02.960 whether it's a job, whether it's it's just the loss 0:04:02.960 --> 0:04:05.480 of being able to get out is something that's missing. 0:04:06.040 --> 0:04:07.440 And I feel like, you know, it's right now, It's 0:04:07.440 --> 0:04:08.600 time to get to the heart of the matter. And 0:04:08.640 --> 0:04:12.360 I said, what better than a woman that does it all? Okay, 0:04:12.520 --> 0:04:15.880 a black woman who's a boss a k A girl boss, 0:04:16.320 --> 0:04:20.520 who is the program director of the nationally syndicated Steve 0:04:20.640 --> 0:04:26.560 Harvey Morning Show a lot. And what sparked me, what 0:04:26.839 --> 0:04:29.599 touched me the moment I met you as a mother. 0:04:29.760 --> 0:04:32.479 Each time I would see you with Tasha and I 0:04:32.480 --> 0:04:35.359 would tell you, I said, oh my gosh, Carlin, you 0:04:35.440 --> 0:04:38.040 remind me so much of my mother, the way you 0:04:38.120 --> 0:04:41.559 handle with her, of what I've seen, of just being 0:04:41.760 --> 0:04:49.360 so present. She's my little angel, She's my miracle baby. Um. 0:04:49.440 --> 0:04:53.279 You know we you and I don't you know, we 0:04:53.360 --> 0:04:57.279 have a lot in common and we both have lost 0:04:57.320 --> 0:05:03.640 our moms and it is very hard too. And I 0:05:03.680 --> 0:05:06.039 know there's a lot of people watching this podcast that 0:05:06.120 --> 0:05:09.840 have been dealing with grief, and whether you lose a parent, 0:05:10.120 --> 0:05:15.360 a loved one, a child, I can't even imagine with 0:05:15.520 --> 0:05:19.679 all of the violence and crime that's going on this summer. 0:05:20.000 --> 0:05:22.960 There's a lot, and you need that family and you 0:05:23.040 --> 0:05:25.400 need that village. So for me, when I became a mom, 0:05:25.640 --> 0:05:30.640 it was very, very, very difficult for me because I 0:05:30.680 --> 0:05:34.240 thought that my mom would be right by my side, 0:05:34.360 --> 0:05:38.600 teaching me how to be a mom. Like I grew 0:05:38.680 --> 0:05:42.760 up seeing her being given it all. She sacrificed everything 0:05:42.800 --> 0:05:45.320 for me. I was her only child, and so it 0:05:45.400 --> 0:05:47.680 was a single mom and she was doing it. And 0:05:47.760 --> 0:05:50.520 I watched her sacrifice everything, and I was like, Damn, 0:05:50.520 --> 0:05:53.000 when I get grown and I grow up, I'm gonna 0:05:53.040 --> 0:05:54.760 take care of my mom and I'm gonna do all 0:05:54.800 --> 0:05:57.440 these things. And I did to a certain point. And 0:05:57.480 --> 0:06:00.640 after she passed away, I became a mom a few 0:06:00.720 --> 0:06:05.120 years later. And girl, there's no playbook, there's no formula. 0:06:05.520 --> 0:06:08.000 You just have to do, like you say, be present, 0:06:08.400 --> 0:06:10.480 love your child, and do the best that you care. 0:06:10.560 --> 0:06:13.720 Whatever works for you and your family. What your formula. 0:06:14.080 --> 0:06:16.240 You know what I'm saying. There's no manual to it. 0:06:16.680 --> 0:06:20.359 Especially in these days. It's like what in the world 0:06:20.480 --> 0:06:22.920 that's going on? And that's what I wanted to talk 0:06:22.960 --> 0:06:26.400 to you about, because um having the loss of the mother, 0:06:26.480 --> 0:06:29.919 So you know, for you if you're listening right now, Carla, 0:06:30.440 --> 0:06:32.320 Her and I share the aspect of both of our 0:06:32.360 --> 0:06:35.640 mothers died of cancer. Now, was your mother breast cancer 0:06:35.680 --> 0:06:39.800 as well? Yes, so let's just talk about that aspect. 0:06:39.839 --> 0:06:43.440 How old were you when your mother passed? I was 0:06:44.360 --> 0:06:48.120 thirty five. I myself so I was ten years pro 0:06:48.400 --> 0:06:51.800 was twenty five, and uh, it was kind of like 0:06:51.839 --> 0:06:53.680 one of those things that it shakes you. It's one 0:06:53.680 --> 0:06:55.800 thing that you you really can't explain what it is 0:06:55.800 --> 0:06:58.279 that you're feeling unless you're going through it. But it's 0:06:58.320 --> 0:07:01.599 like a shift and it's like a old movement. And 0:07:02.080 --> 0:07:05.120 you know, when I think about motherhood, that's something that 0:07:05.200 --> 0:07:07.080 you don't think like your mother is ever not gonna 0:07:07.160 --> 0:07:09.080 be there, like you know, they're not going to be forever, 0:07:09.120 --> 0:07:11.400 but the whole idea that you're not going to be 0:07:11.440 --> 0:07:15.800 here like what? Right? And so, you know, even looking 0:07:15.800 --> 0:07:18.640 at you and observing and just seeing you on social media, 0:07:18.760 --> 0:07:21.760 just hearing you talk Monday through Friday on the radio 0:07:21.800 --> 0:07:24.640 about how much you love your daughter. You know you 0:07:24.720 --> 0:07:27.200 talked about I was watching an interview that you did 0:07:27.240 --> 0:07:30.080 with Angela Stribling of the w h U R. And 0:07:30.080 --> 0:07:32.320 one thing you spoke about you talked about the loss 0:07:32.360 --> 0:07:35.040 of your mother, and you said I didn't know whether 0:07:35.160 --> 0:07:36.920 or not I would know how to do it. And 0:07:36.960 --> 0:07:39.360 when I see you, I'm like, well, I don't know 0:07:39.360 --> 0:07:42.760 if there's a better playbook. And you said, I owe 0:07:42.800 --> 0:07:45.760 everything I am to my mother, and I too, share 0:07:45.800 --> 0:07:49.720 that same story. So I want to talk to you about, 0:07:49.920 --> 0:07:52.120 you know, your relationship when it came down to your 0:07:52.160 --> 0:07:55.840 mother and how she influenced who you are today. Oh man, 0:07:56.200 --> 0:08:01.000 I was born in Chicago and my mother and father 0:08:01.200 --> 0:08:03.160 got a divorce, and I was very young. I was 0:08:03.200 --> 0:08:07.440 like five, and I remember my mom's told me, you know, 0:08:07.560 --> 0:08:09.360 growing up. She told me when I was like maybe 0:08:09.360 --> 0:08:11.920 four years old, I walked into the kitchen and I 0:08:11.960 --> 0:08:14.640 asked her, why why don't you and daddy hold hands? 0:08:15.560 --> 0:08:18.600 And she was washing dishes, and she says she dropped 0:08:18.640 --> 0:08:22.520 the dishes in the sink and broke the plate and said, here, 0:08:22.560 --> 0:08:26.600 I am trying to stay married for my child, and 0:08:26.680 --> 0:08:31.960 she already she can see that it's pretty much over. 0:08:32.760 --> 0:08:37.520 And so that's when she decided that she was going 0:08:37.600 --> 0:08:40.760 to leave my father. They got a divorce and it 0:08:40.840 --> 0:08:43.439 was tough. I didn't have a great relationship with my dad. 0:08:43.640 --> 0:08:47.200 You know. I remember my mom was to call my dad, Hey, 0:08:47.559 --> 0:08:51.120 we're divorced. You didn't divorce your child. Be present, be 0:08:51.120 --> 0:08:54.720 be there. You know, she used to see you. She's disappointed. 0:08:54.800 --> 0:08:56.800 It was all of those things, just growing up, you know, 0:08:56.840 --> 0:09:00.320 on top of everything growing up in Chicago. Well, my 0:09:00.440 --> 0:09:03.320 mother decided my grandmother lived in Houston, and so her 0:09:03.360 --> 0:09:06.440 mother and she decided we were gonna move to Houston. 0:09:06.800 --> 0:09:09.120 You know, living in Chicago it's tough. You know, you're 0:09:09.120 --> 0:09:12.640 from Detroit. Living up north, it's a tough way of life. 0:09:12.679 --> 0:09:15.079 And so my mother said living down south would be 0:09:15.120 --> 0:09:19.600 a better lifestyle for us. And so she decided we 0:09:19.600 --> 0:09:21.959 were gonna move to Houston, which I didn't want to do. 0:09:22.360 --> 0:09:24.400 I was like, no, I don't want to move. I 0:09:24.440 --> 0:09:28.439 don't want to leash Chicago the shop. No No. And 0:09:28.640 --> 0:09:30.960 my mother was like, my dad was moving to Los 0:09:31.040 --> 0:09:33.960 Angeles and my dad's people left Chicago and went to Leete, 0:09:34.440 --> 0:09:36.480 and so I was like, well, I ain't going out there, 0:09:36.559 --> 0:09:39.680 So move with my mom. And we were two peas 0:09:39.679 --> 0:09:42.679 in the pod girl, and that was it. I mean, 0:09:42.720 --> 0:09:44.800 we packed up. We had a Pinto, my mom had 0:09:44.840 --> 0:09:47.280 a four pinto baby. We packed that pinto up and 0:09:47.360 --> 0:09:54.280 our dog and we came to Texas. Uh. My mom 0:09:54.720 --> 0:09:57.760 was an avid bowler. A lot of people don't know 0:09:57.840 --> 0:10:02.080 that she worked um in Social Security. She was a 0:10:02.120 --> 0:10:05.120 social worker. She worked for Social Security Administration for many 0:10:05.360 --> 0:10:10.080 many years. She was an avid bowler and she worked hard. 0:10:10.280 --> 0:10:14.000 She worked hard, and she struggled. And I remember going 0:10:14.679 --> 0:10:19.080 graduating from high school in Houston. She filled out my 0:10:19.200 --> 0:10:23.640 applications for college and she was like, you're going to 0:10:23.720 --> 0:10:27.760 go to a historically black college and university. And I 0:10:27.840 --> 0:10:30.679 was like, oh, well, some of my friends are going 0:10:30.679 --> 0:10:34.240 to UT and Texas A and M. And she's like, 0:10:34.320 --> 0:10:37.440 you're not. You're going to an HBCU. Because if we 0:10:37.520 --> 0:10:41.199 don't go to these colleges and university, who will. We 0:10:41.480 --> 0:10:45.720 have to support these colleges and university. My mom did 0:10:45.800 --> 0:10:48.760 all the paperwork. So I went to pray View n 0:10:48.960 --> 0:10:53.400 M University and it was hard to watch her struggle 0:10:53.440 --> 0:10:55.600 to try to help me get through college and all 0:10:55.640 --> 0:10:58.520 these things I got. You know, I did an internship 0:10:58.559 --> 0:11:01.440 and radio. I didn't know right away what I wanted 0:11:01.480 --> 0:11:04.559 to do that. Oh really, radio wasn't the first Oh no, no, 0:11:04.559 --> 0:11:06.600 no no. I was on the campus and I went 0:11:06.679 --> 0:11:09.280 to My major was social work because that's what my 0:11:09.320 --> 0:11:11.480 mother did. Don I didn't know what I want to do. 0:11:11.520 --> 0:11:13.560 I wasn't one of those kids in high school like 0:11:13.559 --> 0:11:15.200 I'm gonna beat this, I'm gonna be there. I'm like 0:11:15.280 --> 0:11:18.000 child what I don't know? And when I went to 0:11:18.000 --> 0:11:24.280 the social work sociology department, I should say on the yard. Uh. 0:11:24.360 --> 0:11:27.320 The dean was like, why aren't you over here? And 0:11:27.360 --> 0:11:30.120 I said, wal, because this is what I'm supposed to do. 0:11:30.200 --> 0:11:32.360 He said, who told you that? And said that's what 0:11:32.520 --> 0:11:34.520 my mom does. She does social work. He said, well, 0:11:34.520 --> 0:11:37.079 what do you like? And I was like, not this? 0:11:38.280 --> 0:11:40.520 He said what do you want to do? And I said, hey, 0:11:40.600 --> 0:11:43.000 I like music? He said what else you like that? 0:11:43.200 --> 0:11:44.800 I like to talk? He said, going over to the 0:11:44.840 --> 0:11:47.640 communications building, girl, get out again, j age of major, 0:11:48.080 --> 0:11:49.640 get on over there. And when I got to the 0:11:49.679 --> 0:11:54.360 communications building, I was like, oh, you know and worked 0:11:54.360 --> 0:11:57.400 in radio broadcasting and all of that. So my mom 0:11:57.520 --> 0:12:02.040 was there for me my childhood. She supported me. She 0:12:02.240 --> 0:12:05.199 was my everything. I'm trying not to. I don't want 0:12:05.200 --> 0:12:09.200 to cry and tear of crying, I know on the 0:12:09.280 --> 0:12:16.880 podcast and I got my got the tissues. But that's 0:12:16.880 --> 0:12:19.040 that's it. That was. That was my girl. And then 0:12:19.040 --> 0:12:21.640 it was three generations and it was my mom and 0:12:21.679 --> 0:12:24.440 her mom and we did a lot together. My grandmother 0:12:24.520 --> 0:12:27.080 was a nurse, you know, she worked two jobs. And 0:12:27.520 --> 0:12:29.400 when I was a little girl, I would wash her 0:12:29.520 --> 0:12:33.880 uniforms and hang them dripped dry, and I had to 0:12:33.960 --> 0:12:37.480 polish my grandmother's white shoes. I had to lay them out. 0:12:37.679 --> 0:12:41.320 I took pride in her wearing her white nurses white 0:12:41.360 --> 0:12:44.240 to work. And I would lay out newspaper and I 0:12:44.280 --> 0:12:47.280 would polish my grandmother's white shoes to make sure she 0:12:47.600 --> 0:12:51.120 looked clean and white. And she went to work at 0:12:51.160 --> 0:12:54.320 her uniform And to this day, a girl, I probably 0:12:54.320 --> 0:12:58.439 won't even wear white shoes. I walked right past them, like, huh. 0:13:00.400 --> 0:13:03.640 That was. I had a wonderful childhood. I was raised 0:13:03.640 --> 0:13:07.120 by two women, but my mom. My grandma was there 0:13:07.360 --> 0:13:09.600 all the time. But my mom, it was me. It 0:13:09.679 --> 0:13:12.880 was when you saw pat you saw Carla. And that's 0:13:12.880 --> 0:13:15.600 how it was pat and Carla. My mother's name was Patricia. 0:13:16.000 --> 0:13:21.600 So your only child, only child. Ye. I have a cousin, 0:13:21.800 --> 0:13:25.360 a first cousin who's very very very close, and he 0:13:25.440 --> 0:13:27.640 used to live with my mom so he's like my brother. 0:13:29.520 --> 0:13:32.480 So that's another and shared narrative that we have of 0:13:32.600 --> 0:13:35.239 just having that strong mother where it's just like you're invincible. 0:13:35.600 --> 0:13:38.880 Because even myself, I was raised by my mother solely. 0:13:38.920 --> 0:13:41.080 My dad he died when I was three months and 0:13:41.080 --> 0:13:44.400 I have an older sister. So, um, that's all I knew. 0:13:44.760 --> 0:13:46.960 It was just like that strength of being strong and 0:13:47.000 --> 0:13:50.200 standing up and being bold. It's interesting with all you know. 0:13:50.320 --> 0:13:54.120 And then here's the whole process of a woman who 0:13:54.240 --> 0:13:57.440 handled everything and getting to the point in which she 0:13:57.520 --> 0:14:01.400 had cancer three times. And I knew the frustration I 0:14:01.480 --> 0:14:02.960 was in when it got to a point that she 0:14:02.960 --> 0:14:06.040 couldn't open her drink, she couldn't put a fort to 0:14:06.080 --> 0:14:08.960 her mouth. And this is probably the first time that 0:14:09.040 --> 0:14:11.680 I've ever you know, sat down and share with somebody 0:14:11.679 --> 0:14:16.680 who's experienced a similar loss, because not only was it 0:14:16.840 --> 0:14:19.080 jarring when she took her last breath, but it was 0:14:19.240 --> 0:14:22.480 also jarring when I realized that my mother was human, 0:14:23.920 --> 0:14:31.400 right right, I know, I know, Um, it was it 0:14:31.480 --> 0:14:35.760 was tough. I remember when my mother, Uh, I got 0:14:35.760 --> 0:14:40.040 a job offer to work radio in Chicago at w 0:14:40.160 --> 0:14:42.960 g C I, and that's one of the you know, 0:14:43.080 --> 0:14:48.640 biggest urban radio stations in the country, and my mom 0:14:49.440 --> 0:14:54.040 was recovering from cancer. She was actually in remission, and 0:14:54.080 --> 0:14:58.440 I was very I had a horrible engagement. This man 0:14:58.560 --> 0:15:01.280 broke my heart. He ripped my heart. It up, just 0:15:01.360 --> 0:15:04.560 broke my heart, and I wanted to leave. I wanted 0:15:04.640 --> 0:15:06.600 to be away, but I didn't want to leave my mother. 0:15:07.360 --> 0:15:09.600 My mother's cancer was and remissions. She was doing fine, 0:15:10.160 --> 0:15:11.840 and I was going back to a city where I 0:15:11.880 --> 0:15:14.320 was born, where I was from, and being able to 0:15:14.360 --> 0:15:16.920 work at a heritage radio station that I grew up 0:15:16.960 --> 0:15:19.200 listening to. Come on there, I get a chance to 0:15:19.240 --> 0:15:21.800 be the boss up in there. Let's go. My mother 0:15:21.920 --> 0:15:24.560 supported me, and she pulled me to the side and 0:15:24.640 --> 0:15:28.400 she said, I'm fine, but just know you're you take 0:15:28.440 --> 0:15:31.880 your heart with you wherever you are. Geography is geography. 0:15:32.120 --> 0:15:36.280 So if you're running from this man, just know in 0:15:36.480 --> 0:15:39.800 Chicago you're gonna still have to face and deal with 0:15:39.880 --> 0:15:42.640 these problems. And the reason why I'm jumping in to 0:15:42.760 --> 0:15:46.560 tell you that is because when my mother, when I 0:15:46.600 --> 0:15:50.880 got to Chicago, my mom got sick again, and so 0:15:50.920 --> 0:15:53.600 I worked there as long as I could, and I 0:15:53.680 --> 0:15:56.680 begged the bosses that be I have to get back 0:15:56.720 --> 0:15:58.960 down south. I gotta get a job, and it it's like, 0:15:59.000 --> 0:16:01.200 we don't have anything for you. We don't have any 0:16:01.280 --> 0:16:04.360 jobs for you down south. Don I would fly back 0:16:04.360 --> 0:16:08.240 and forth home every weekend, from Chicago to Houston. Every 0:16:08.360 --> 0:16:10.280 My best friend would be right at that airport. She 0:16:10.400 --> 0:16:12.760 was right there picking me up so I can be, 0:16:13.160 --> 0:16:15.120 you know, with my mother and help her and help 0:16:15.120 --> 0:16:18.840 her fight. And I remember going to the hospitals and 0:16:18.920 --> 0:16:21.800 talking to the doctors and the nurses, and I will 0:16:21.840 --> 0:16:24.120 walk up and down the hall and see all these 0:16:24.120 --> 0:16:28.800 people going through chemo therapy and uh, dealing with radiation 0:16:28.880 --> 0:16:32.680 and dealing with the emotional part of cancer. And I 0:16:32.720 --> 0:16:34.960 asked the nurse, I said, why so many people here 0:16:35.040 --> 0:16:39.680 by themselves? And she said, baby girl, there's so many 0:16:39.720 --> 0:16:41.960 people that don't they don't have family members. Said to 0:16:42.040 --> 0:16:45.640 sit there with them while they take chemo and talk 0:16:45.760 --> 0:16:48.040 to them. I said, while I'm gonna go sit there 0:16:48.040 --> 0:16:50.840 with them. She said, okay. I said, what can I do? 0:16:51.080 --> 0:16:54.640 She said, taking cractics, take juices. So whenever I would 0:16:54.640 --> 0:16:58.520 take my mother to get chemo, the nurses would have 0:16:58.600 --> 0:17:00.960 everything laid out for me, and I would go to 0:17:01.160 --> 0:17:04.480 every station and pull the curtain back, and I would 0:17:04.480 --> 0:17:08.080 sit there and watch the Prices ride and game shows 0:17:08.200 --> 0:17:11.240 and younger than wrestles with all these people. And they thought, 0:17:11.359 --> 0:17:13.480 they were like, that's so sweet of you to come 0:17:13.520 --> 0:17:16.919 in here. And I would sit there and watch the 0:17:16.920 --> 0:17:19.080 the trip and watch you can and go, yeah, okay, 0:17:19.400 --> 0:17:21.600 you mind if I go see Mr such and such 0:17:21.640 --> 0:17:25.080 and this is such and such. Sure she they're waiting 0:17:25.119 --> 0:17:27.480 on you. And I would go back and get juice 0:17:27.640 --> 0:17:30.720 and crackers just to help them with the Nazi and 0:17:30.760 --> 0:17:34.199 all that. My mother, she was like, you don't have 0:17:34.280 --> 0:17:37.560 to do this, this is so why do you feel 0:17:37.560 --> 0:17:40.119 the need to to help all these people as I 0:17:40.160 --> 0:17:43.359 gotta do something. I gotta I can't let these people 0:17:43.400 --> 0:17:46.920 just feel like they're alone, you know, in this. And 0:17:46.960 --> 0:17:50.159 it was it was hard, and I thought that my 0:17:50.240 --> 0:17:53.400 mama got it. Hey, she gonna beat this because I'm 0:17:53.480 --> 0:17:56.960 right there, you know, with her. And finally I got 0:17:56.960 --> 0:18:01.080 a job in New Orleans, and um, that was the 0:18:01.119 --> 0:18:03.679 closest they could get me, you know, to Houston. And 0:18:03.720 --> 0:18:06.880 I accepted that job and I love the city. What's 0:18:06.880 --> 0:18:09.480 so ironic about New Orleans? My mother was born in 0:18:09.480 --> 0:18:13.359 New Orleon. Yeah, that's what's so ironic. My grandmother was 0:18:13.440 --> 0:18:16.800 born in New Orleans, but they were raised in Chicago, 0:18:17.359 --> 0:18:19.840 so they didn't know much about New Orleans. They knew 0:18:19.880 --> 0:18:21.960 about the outskirts, but they didn't know much. So when 0:18:21.960 --> 0:18:25.640 I moved, and you know, I met my husband, girl, 0:18:25.680 --> 0:18:29.200 I got me a maid, which is another that's a 0:18:29.320 --> 0:18:33.160 victory too, you girl, I guess. And he would come 0:18:33.200 --> 0:18:37.760 home with me to see about my mom, and uh, 0:18:37.920 --> 0:18:43.600 it was. It was hard done. It's just I don't wish, 0:18:43.920 --> 0:18:46.360 you know, I want to say the blank word to cancer. 0:18:46.520 --> 0:18:48.240 I don't. I don't wish that I don't know about it. 0:18:48.800 --> 0:18:52.840 So your mom passed when you were thirty five, what 0:18:52.920 --> 0:18:55.479 was do you recall or remember how old you were 0:18:55.560 --> 0:18:57.919 when she got diagnosed the first time, because then you 0:18:57.920 --> 0:19:00.560 said she went into remission. I was twenty when she 0:19:00.720 --> 0:19:05.520 was first diack. Now, like for myself, my mother first 0:19:05.560 --> 0:19:08.160 had cancer when I was three years old. I remembered 0:19:08.160 --> 0:19:11.000 her standing there cutting off her hair. I didn't know, 0:19:11.520 --> 0:19:13.440 and my mother, just like how you were just talking 0:19:13.440 --> 0:19:16.920 about how strong she was, I didn't. I didn't know 0:19:17.040 --> 0:19:20.240 how serious cancer was until she had it the third time. 0:19:20.640 --> 0:19:22.399 The second time, I was in eighth grade and I 0:19:22.480 --> 0:19:25.000 remember I was just doing things that were off like, 0:19:25.080 --> 0:19:26.880 and I was president of student council. I was a lead, 0:19:26.960 --> 0:19:30.320 you know, leader at my school. And when I told 0:19:30.320 --> 0:19:32.159 the teachers, I don't know if I had something happened 0:19:32.160 --> 0:19:33.200 with the test, and I was like, yeah, I just 0:19:33.280 --> 0:19:35.080 have a lot on my mind. My mom she was died, 0:19:35.320 --> 0:19:39.720 knows with cancer. And immediately my seventh and eighth grade 0:19:39.720 --> 0:19:42.040 teachers we went outside and we just started praying, and 0:19:42.080 --> 0:19:44.600 I was just like, Okay, my mom's fine. Mind you 0:19:45.200 --> 0:19:47.960 I was so conditioned that I didn't even realize that 0:19:48.480 --> 0:19:50.560 being with my mother and the fact of her hands 0:19:50.600 --> 0:19:53.720 turning black, you know, and her hands are peeling. There 0:19:53.720 --> 0:19:55.359 are times that my mom would pull up at a 0:19:55.440 --> 0:19:57.560 light or before we leave, she would put her head 0:19:57.560 --> 0:20:00.520 out the car, puke and keep going. So when you 0:20:00.560 --> 0:20:03.159 talk about my pedigree and why, like, you know, I 0:20:03.200 --> 0:20:05.400 go so hard because when you have a mother like that, 0:20:05.640 --> 0:20:08.919 you don't know any other kind of way. But something 0:20:08.960 --> 0:20:11.680 that I thought about, even what you said, how did 0:20:11.720 --> 0:20:14.040 you know? How did you know what to do? And 0:20:14.080 --> 0:20:16.760 how did you know cancer was as serious as it was? 0:20:16.800 --> 0:20:20.040 Because now looking at me now ten years after the fact, 0:20:20.119 --> 0:20:24.680 almost I understand the severity of cancer. But it's year old. 0:20:25.040 --> 0:20:28.680 How did you know? You know what? And I would 0:20:28.680 --> 0:20:31.680 say this, there's a lot of miss if you will, 0:20:31.680 --> 0:20:34.879 about breast cancer and black women. You know, it was 0:20:36.440 --> 0:20:40.359 you thought that black women breast cancer. You didn't hear 0:20:40.440 --> 0:20:43.359 about it a lot like we do now. And that's 0:20:43.960 --> 0:20:46.000 I lost my mom to breast cancer. That's why I'm 0:20:46.040 --> 0:20:50.080 a tireless breast cancer advocate. Because of that. I didn't know, 0:20:50.280 --> 0:20:53.640 and like you said, don same thing. There were people 0:20:53.680 --> 0:20:57.920 that worked around me. Let's pray, and I would pray 0:20:58.000 --> 0:21:01.320 and everything, but I'd be like, trying, you don't know, Pat, 0:21:01.440 --> 0:21:03.639 you don't know in my life. You don't know. My 0:21:04.000 --> 0:21:06.760 mom ain't never been sick. She's gonna be fine. It 0:21:06.840 --> 0:21:10.960 was that I had that same attitude. So when she 0:21:11.000 --> 0:21:14.840 went into remission the first time, I was like, boom, 0:21:15.280 --> 0:21:18.600 doctors don't know what they're talking about. God praying here 0:21:18.720 --> 0:21:22.080 and God got this same thing. And then my mother 0:21:22.160 --> 0:21:25.159 got sick again, you know. And it was after I 0:21:25.200 --> 0:21:28.600 got married. I remember when I was planning my wedding, 0:21:29.119 --> 0:21:33.480 I remember, well, I was just I'm revealing a lot 0:21:33.560 --> 0:21:39.840 to you now. So when I was engaged, I was 0:21:39.960 --> 0:21:45.720 presering and I told my mom, and my mom was like, 0:21:46.280 --> 0:21:51.119 or girl, you ain't gonna be wobbling, so let's play 0:21:51.160 --> 0:21:56.960 in this wedding a little little sooner than we inticipate. 0:21:57.640 --> 0:22:01.320 So I wanted a December wedding. I want it Christmas. 0:22:01.800 --> 0:22:05.119 And my mother was like, no, we're gonna do it 0:22:05.160 --> 0:22:11.080 in August because I'm gonna be too sick. Okay, So okay, okay, 0:22:11.320 --> 0:22:13.240 you see what I'm saying, right, Because she was already 0:22:13.240 --> 0:22:15.639 in Texas, and that's when you were in Louisiana. That 0:22:15.720 --> 0:22:17.280 was the closest you can get to her. I got 0:22:17.320 --> 0:22:19.919 you right. So I would come home every weekend just 0:22:20.000 --> 0:22:21.720 driving and see it. That was a six hour drive 0:22:21.800 --> 0:22:25.600 from New Orleans to Houston. Was nothing. So my mother 0:22:25.720 --> 0:22:28.200 was like, oh, we'll I'm planning in August because I'm 0:22:28.200 --> 0:22:31.359 gonna be too sick in December. And I said, Mama, 0:22:31.400 --> 0:22:32.920 what are you talking about. You don't know when you're 0:22:32.920 --> 0:22:35.359 gonna be sick. I'm gonna have it in December. No, 0:22:35.720 --> 0:22:38.480 you're gonna have it in aufice. It's too hot to 0:22:38.480 --> 0:22:43.720