WEBVTT - I'm the Boss and I Messed Up 0:00:03.560 --> 0:00:06.200 My colleagues. We'll stop commenting on everything I get at 0:00:07.200 --> 0:00:09.680 people and meeting. Why does my coworker keep taking credit 0:00:09.680 --> 0:00:12.240 for all my ideas? Have any wisdom for me? Hi, 0:00:12.280 --> 0:00:15.720 I'm Alison Green. Welcome to the Aska Manager Podcast, where 0:00:15.760 --> 0:00:19.520 I answer questions from listeners about life at work. Everything 0:00:19.520 --> 0:00:21.640 from what to say if you're allergic to your coworkers 0:00:21.640 --> 0:00:23.800 perfume to what to do if you drink too much 0:00:23.840 --> 0:00:28.760 at the company party. Let's get started, Hi, and welcome 0:00:28.760 --> 0:00:31.680 to the show. You might have noticed that the show 0:00:31.720 --> 0:00:34.640 did not come out on Monday this week. We're switching 0:00:34.680 --> 0:00:38.120 back to Wednesdays only, but we're keeping both formats, so 0:00:38.240 --> 0:00:40.080 we'll still have the format where I have a guest 0:00:40.159 --> 0:00:42.160 come on the show and spend the whole show talking 0:00:42.159 --> 0:00:44.680 through their problem, and we'll also still have the format 0:00:44.680 --> 0:00:47.720 where I answer a bunch of shorter questions from different people. 0:00:48.200 --> 0:00:50.000 People seem to like both formats, so we're going to 0:00:50.080 --> 0:00:53.080 stick with both of them. Today's show is a bunch 0:00:53.080 --> 0:00:56.080 of shorter questions from people, and our first question is 0:00:56.160 --> 0:00:58.440 from a manager who messed up at work and is 0:00:58.480 --> 0:01:03.680 wondering how to handle it. Hi. There, Allison. So the 0:01:03.720 --> 0:01:06.759 basic gist of My question today is that I am 0:01:06.800 --> 0:01:10.480 the manager and I screwed up, So now what do 0:01:10.520 --> 0:01:13.399 I do h For a little bit of background, I 0:01:13.640 --> 0:01:17.000 supervise a small team before at a software company, and 0:01:17.080 --> 0:01:22.440 my team is amazing. They're reliable, fast, accurate, amiable, everything 0:01:22.480 --> 0:01:25.600 good under the sun. I couldn't ask to manage better people, 0:01:26.120 --> 0:01:28.160 and I'm really proud of the work we get done 0:01:28.280 --> 0:01:33.600 every day. So that is why I am particularly embarrassed 0:01:34.120 --> 0:01:37.200 because I made a noticeable mistake at work earlier in 0:01:37.240 --> 0:01:40.480 the week. So to explain that, we have a task 0:01:40.560 --> 0:01:42.720 that requires each member of the team to show up 0:01:42.720 --> 0:01:45.600 to work early. We rotate through all members of the 0:01:45.640 --> 0:01:49.040 team and that includes me, and I didn't arrive to 0:01:49.080 --> 0:01:51.280 get this test done, and that meant a few of 0:01:51.280 --> 0:01:54.080 my subordinates covered for me when they arrived at their 0:01:54.120 --> 0:01:59.320 normal start time. So this didn't ultimately affect our software stability, 0:01:59.400 --> 0:02:03.520 but it certainly could have. Of course, I did three things, 0:02:03.560 --> 0:02:08.240 so I immediately notified our work chat um that I 0:02:08.280 --> 0:02:13.200 was mortified about the oversight. I took someone else's early 0:02:13.320 --> 0:02:16.640 start that week to make up for the early start 0:02:16.680 --> 0:02:20.120 that I missed, and I verbally addressed it during the 0:02:20.160 --> 0:02:23.399 team meeting with my direct reports, and I reasserted that 0:02:23.600 --> 0:02:27.560 I'm held to the same expectations and standards as everyone else, 0:02:27.960 --> 0:02:32.120 and I'm not different because I'm their supervisor. And of course, 0:02:32.280 --> 0:02:35.280 moving forward, I'm going to do everything in my power 0:02:35.320 --> 0:02:39.440 to ensure this doesn't happen again. But generally, this got 0:02:39.440 --> 0:02:43.360 me to thinking, how do managers hold themselves accountable to 0:02:43.440 --> 0:02:46.360 their subordinates when they make a mistake. And I was 0:02:46.360 --> 0:02:49.919 wondering if you thought my response was sufficient or if 0:02:49.960 --> 0:02:52.919 there's something more that I should do to make sure 0:02:52.960 --> 0:02:56.920 my team can trust me. And there's one other sticky 0:02:57.000 --> 0:02:59.680 part of this, and that's that I have a chronic 0:02:59.720 --> 0:03:03.200 mental health issue that contributed to me failing at this task. 0:03:03.360 --> 0:03:06.320 And I discussed that health issue with my own supervisor, 0:03:06.800 --> 0:03:09.880 but it seemed inappropriate to bring it up with my 0:03:09.960 --> 0:03:14.520 direct reports. I was wondering, if you agreed, um, and 0:03:14.800 --> 0:03:17.920 if I continue to struggle despite my best efforts here, 0:03:18.600 --> 0:03:22.079 what would be the best way to address that matter professionally. 0:03:22.600 --> 0:03:26.040 So thank you so much for considering this question. Um. 0:03:26.080 --> 0:03:29.000 I'm so grateful for your website. I'm so grateful for 0:03:29.120 --> 0:03:33.240 your podcast. It's made such an impact on my professional life. 0:03:33.360 --> 0:03:37.200 So thanks for answering. Well. First, as far as how 0:03:37.280 --> 0:03:39.920 you handled this, it sounds like you have done everything right. 0:03:40.360 --> 0:03:43.920 You immediately acknowledged the mistake, you apologized for it, you 0:03:44.000 --> 0:03:47.839 took someone else's early start, and you've been explicit that 0:03:47.960 --> 0:03:51.000 you believe in holding yourself accountable to the same expectations 0:03:51.040 --> 0:03:53.680 as everyone else. So if you were my boss, I 0:03:53.680 --> 0:03:57.160 would be pretty delighted with the way that you handled it. Really. 0:03:57.200 --> 0:04:00.440 If anything, it's possible that you air it a little 0:04:00.480 --> 0:04:03.040 bit on the side of going just a bit overboard. 0:04:03.320 --> 0:04:06.400 I don't know that you even really needed to do 0:04:06.440 --> 0:04:09.080 that last piece about addressing it in a team meeting, 0:04:09.240 --> 0:04:12.080 since you had already addressed it in the group chat. 0:04:12.120 --> 0:04:14.920 There's nothing wrong with having done that, But I want 0:04:14.960 --> 0:04:18.280 to make sure that you're not flagellating yourself over this, because, 0:04:18.680 --> 0:04:21.839 at least based on what you shared here, this doesn't 0:04:21.839 --> 0:04:25.000 sound like it deserves flagellation. So I mean, yes, you 0:04:25.080 --> 0:04:28.200 messed up, but you're human, and humans mess up sometimes 0:04:28.200 --> 0:04:31.679 that's what we do. I'm curious about how you would 0:04:31.680 --> 0:04:34.640 react if one of your employees did the exact same thing, 0:04:35.200 --> 0:04:37.520 immediately acknowledged it and made it clear that they knew 0:04:37.520 --> 0:04:39.320 it was a mistake and that it wouldn't happen again. 0:04:40.520 --> 0:04:42.880 I don't know all the details about what happened, of course, 0:04:43.000 --> 0:04:45.640 or what the ramifications could have been of you not 0:04:45.720 --> 0:04:49.760 being there on time, but my hunch is that if 0:04:49.760 --> 0:04:52.200 one of your employees did the same thing and had 0:04:52.240 --> 0:04:56.000 the same reaction toward it that you had, you would 0:04:56.000 --> 0:04:57.799 tell them that it was okay. You know, of course, 0:04:57.839 --> 0:05:01.160 not let it happen again. But people are human. So 0:05:01.440 --> 0:05:04.200 when you talk about holding yourself to the same standards 0:05:04.279 --> 0:05:06.840 that you hold your staff, to make sure that you're 0:05:06.880 --> 0:05:09.800 not being harder on yourself than you would be on 0:05:09.880 --> 0:05:13.040 your staff. Because when you talk about worrying that they 0:05:13.040 --> 0:05:16.279 won't trust you just because you made one mistake, one 0:05:16.320 --> 0:05:19.920 that you quickly took responsibility for, I think you are 0:05:20.040 --> 0:05:23.120 probably being a little bit too hard on yourself and 0:05:23.520 --> 0:05:26.680 harder than you would be on an employee who did 0:05:26.720 --> 0:05:31.440 the same thing. You asked, more broadly, how should managers 0:05:31.480 --> 0:05:34.040 handle it when they make mistake? And the first thing 0:05:34.080 --> 0:05:37.320 to know is you will make mistakes. But this isn't 0:05:37.400 --> 0:05:39.560 like something that oh my gosh, you did this and 0:05:39.600 --> 0:05:42.520 your a terrible manager for doing it. Other managers are 0:05:42.560 --> 0:05:46.520 out there working flawlessly every day and never messing up. 0:05:47.279 --> 0:05:50.159 Managers mess up all the time, because again we're human. 0:05:50.360 --> 0:05:54.120 That is what humans do. What is important is that 0:05:54.160 --> 0:05:56.760 when you do get it wrong, you acknowledge it. And 0:05:56.920 --> 0:05:59.400 that doesn't have to be a huge thing. It can 0:05:59.400 --> 0:06:02.279 be a simple as hey, I realized that I made 0:06:02.279 --> 0:06:05.520 their on call here, I apologize about that. Going forward, 0:06:05.680 --> 0:06:09.920 let's do X instead. Sometimes it doesn't even require that, 0:06:10.279 --> 0:06:12.880 if it's a pretty routine mistake that doesn't have a 0:06:12.960 --> 0:06:15.640 huge impact on other people, it can just be H, 0:06:15.720 --> 0:06:17.520 I mess this up, can you help me do X 0:06:17.560 --> 0:06:21.479 to fix it. It is true that because you're a manager, 0:06:21.640 --> 0:06:25.360 your actions do carry more weight, and sometimes your mistakes 0:06:25.400 --> 0:06:27.919 can be ones that have more impact on other people, 0:06:28.520 --> 0:06:31.600 and it's good to factor that into how you handle mistakes. 0:06:31.680 --> 0:06:34.440 But I don't want you to feel like just because 0:06:34.480 --> 0:06:37.600 you're the boss, they're very act of making a mistake, 0:06:37.680 --> 0:06:41.359 no matter how big or small, is somehow worse because 0:06:41.560 --> 0:06:44.480 you're not expected to be perfect just because you're the boss. 0:06:44.560 --> 0:06:48.360 If that were the expectation, no manager could be successful. 0:06:48.760 --> 0:06:51.800 And I do hear a little bit of that belief 0:06:51.920 --> 0:06:54.760 running through the language that you're using. So watch out 0:06:54.800 --> 0:06:57.640 for that. Let's talk about what you don't want to do. 0:06:57.800 --> 0:06:59.839 If you make a mistake when you're the boss. You 0:07:00.040 --> 0:07:02.279 definitely don't want to double down and pretend that you 0:07:02.320 --> 0:07:04.800 are right all along. You don't want to shift the 0:07:04.839 --> 0:07:07.880 blame to other people. But you also don't want to 0:07:07.920 --> 0:07:10.720 seem so mortified by it that you signal to other 0:07:10.800 --> 0:07:14.440 people that you don't have any tolerance for mistakes in general, 0:07:14.760 --> 0:07:18.920 because if you handle your own medium sized mistakes like 0:07:18.960 --> 0:07:22.320 their giant sized mistakes, people are going to assume that 0:07:22.360 --> 0:07:24.280 you will do the same thing when they are the 0:07:24.320 --> 0:07:28.400 ones who messed up. So you're modeling for your staff 0:07:28.680 --> 0:07:31.080 how you want them handling their own mistakes as well. 0:07:31.240 --> 0:07:34.480 So yes, acknowledge it, work to fix it, work to 0:07:34.520 --> 0:07:36.960 make sure it doesn't happen again, but don't blow it 0:07:36.960 --> 0:07:40.480 out of proportion either. Now, let's talk about the mental 0:07:40.520 --> 0:07:44.120 health piece of this, because frankly, I suspect that the 0:07:44.240 --> 0:07:46.560 reason that you are being so hard in yourself is 0:07:46.600 --> 0:07:49.840 because you know that it is tied to this chronic 0:07:49.920 --> 0:07:53.400 mental health issue, and maybe you are embarrassed about that 0:07:53.520 --> 0:07:57.080 because we are still super weird about mental health and 0:07:57.080 --> 0:07:59.640 they're still stigma around it in a way, that there 0:07:59.680 --> 0:08:02.920 wouldn't be with a physical health issue. And in fact, 0:08:03.000 --> 0:08:06.440 I am curious if you had missed this task because 0:08:06.440 --> 0:08:09.560 you were physically sick, would you be beating yourself up 0:08:09.600 --> 0:08:13.720 as much? I am willing to bet a pretty significant 0:08:13.720 --> 0:08:16.720 amount of money that you wouldn't be, and that is 0:08:16.720 --> 0:08:20.240 worth thinking about. You also asked if I agreed that 0:08:20.280 --> 0:08:22.720 it would be inappropriate to bring up the mental health 0:08:22.720 --> 0:08:25.960 issue with your staff. I think there's just no need to. 0:08:26.240 --> 0:08:28.880 If you continue to struggle with it and you're concerned 0:08:28.880 --> 0:08:32.480 that it's noticeable at work, you can give them some context, 0:08:32.760 --> 0:08:35.040 but it's enough to just say that you're dealing with 0:08:35.040 --> 0:08:38.480 a medical issue that's affecting you in X and Y ways. 0:08:38.920 --> 0:08:41.360 You don't need to specify that it's a mental health issue. 0:08:41.760 --> 0:08:44.840 And in fact, you'll actually be modeling good boundaries for 0:08:44.880 --> 0:08:48.360 your staff if you just keep it to a medical issue, 0:08:48.960 --> 0:08:51.559 because you don't want them to feel like they are 0:08:51.600 --> 0:08:55.439 obligated to disclose their own personal medical details when they 0:08:55.480 --> 0:08:58.080 need time off or when they need a health accommodation, 0:08:58.920 --> 0:09:01.040 and so you will be mode all in good boundaries 0:09:01.080 --> 0:09:04.120 by demonstrating this is what it looks like. It's okay 0:09:04.120 --> 0:09:06.880 to just say, I'm dealing with a medical issue that's 0:09:06.880 --> 0:09:10.880 making me very tired, or whatever relevant piece of context 0:09:10.880 --> 0:09:13.760 do you want to share, but go easier on yourself 0:09:13.800 --> 0:09:17.800 because you are human, and that is perfectly okay. We'll 0:09:17.840 --> 0:09:19.560 go to a short break here and come back with 0:09:19.559 --> 0:09:31.480 more questions. Hi, Alten, I have a job. There's a question. 0:09:32.040 --> 0:09:34.720 I'm a relatively new grad applying for jobs that are 0:09:34.720 --> 0:09:37.199 out of state, and I've read a lot of advice 0:09:37.240 --> 0:09:40.600 and listen to podcasts and recently come across the advice 0:09:41.040 --> 0:09:43.920 to shoot out a blind email to a company manager 0:09:44.080 --> 0:09:48.160 or lead asking for either an informational interview or twenty 0:09:48.200 --> 0:09:51.640 minutes over coffee to quote unquote pick their brain when 0:09:51.679 --> 0:09:54.840 you're visiting in their town. Being according to their stories, 0:09:55.000 --> 0:09:57.319 it's worked in their favorite each time, and they blamed 0:09:57.320 --> 0:10:01.160 at the job. I've never done this, and I feel 0:10:01.200 --> 0:10:04.199 it tad awkward asking out of the blue for these 0:10:04.240 --> 0:10:07.679 kind of things rather than applying for a job on 0:10:07.720 --> 0:10:11.240 their website. But is this the new and recommended way 0:10:11.280 --> 0:10:14.880 to find jobs out of state or jobs in general? 0:10:15.559 --> 0:10:19.760 Thanks for your helping. This is a piece of advice 0:10:19.840 --> 0:10:24.240 that keeps getting passed around and it is not very effective. 0:10:25.040 --> 0:10:28.320 So First of all, managers tend to be busy, and 0:10:28.559 --> 0:10:31.559 managers who have been managing for a while and hiring 0:10:31.679 --> 0:10:36.760 for a while know that informational interview is often code 0:10:36.880 --> 0:10:39.360 for I want you to hire me, but I am 0:10:39.360 --> 0:10:42.920 not being upfront about my intentions. And the same thing 0:10:42.960 --> 0:10:46.559 goes for I want to pick your brain. It's annoying 0:10:46.679 --> 0:10:49.120 when people aren't upfront about what they actually want, and 0:10:49.160 --> 0:10:52.000 this advice is basically telling you to waste the time 0:10:52.080 --> 0:10:54.280 of strangers who may not even have a job open 0:10:54.400 --> 0:10:56.920 that would be appropriate for you. And if they do 0:10:57.040 --> 0:11:00.240 have job openings and that's why you're targeting them, it's 0:11:00.240 --> 0:11:02.800 going to be even more obvious what you're doing. And 0:11:02.920 --> 0:11:05.880 increasingly managers are likely to tell you to apply through 0:11:05.920 --> 0:11:09.920 their normal application process, and definitely when you're dealing with 0:11:10.240 --> 0:11:13.480 non small companies, they're going to want you to apply 0:11:13.559 --> 0:11:16.880 that way regardless. Now, there are some exceptions to this, 0:11:17.240 --> 0:11:20.120 like very small businesses that are more likely to sort 0:11:20.120 --> 0:11:22.600 of wing it when it comes to hiring. As a 0:11:22.640 --> 0:11:24.559 side note, I don't know that I would encourage you 0:11:24.600 --> 0:11:26.480 to work for small businesses that wing it when it 0:11:26.520 --> 0:11:29.199 comes to hiring. They tend to be fraught with dysfunction, 0:11:29.400 --> 0:11:33.199 but sometimes this approach can work with them, or if 0:11:33.240 --> 0:11:36.400 you have a very specialized, very in demand skill set. 0:11:37.120 --> 0:11:39.760 But for most people this approach is does not that 0:11:39.800 --> 0:11:44.280 effective or efficient. Definitely not more than actually applying for 0:11:44.440 --> 0:11:48.240 jobs that are open through the stated application process. I 0:11:48.280 --> 0:11:51.000 think people give this advice because they want to be 0:11:51.040 --> 0:11:52.960 able to sell you on the idea that there's some 0:11:53.040 --> 0:11:55.800 trick to job searching, there's something that will let you 0:11:55.840 --> 0:11:58.520 get around having to grate cover letters and resumes and 0:11:58.559 --> 0:12:01.360 apply the normal way, because is telling you to do 0:12:01.400 --> 0:12:04.920 it like that is pretty boring advice. But really, this 0:12:05.000 --> 0:12:08.120 idea of blind emailing strangers for most people just is 0:12:08.160 --> 0:12:10.800 not very effective. It doesn't mean that it never works, 0:12:10.880 --> 0:12:13.560 but it does mean that for most people it's not 0:12:13.760 --> 0:12:16.200 likely to work most of the time. But it's one 0:12:16.240 --> 0:12:20.400 of those things where because it occasionally works in rare cases, 0:12:20.880 --> 0:12:23.320 it gets passed around as some kind of trick to 0:12:23.360 --> 0:12:26.200 getting a job, but it's really not the best way 0:12:26.240 --> 0:12:29.880 to spend your job searching energy. Now, it is true 0:12:29.920 --> 0:12:32.760 that there is real value in building your network, especially 0:12:32.760 --> 0:12:35.160 when you're trying to find work in another state, but 0:12:35.320 --> 0:12:38.120 the way you do that is to build genuine relationships, 0:12:38.160 --> 0:12:40.679 not to ask for coffee for a fake reason that 0:12:40.840 --> 0:12:43.280 isn't actually what you're looking for from the other person. 0:12:44.040 --> 0:12:45.840 The things that will really help you find a job 0:12:45.880 --> 0:12:49.000 in another state are things like making your move sound 0:12:49.000 --> 0:12:51.440 like a done deal, like putting on your resume and 0:12:51.480 --> 0:12:53.880 in your cover letter that you're moving to their area 0:12:54.000 --> 0:12:57.360 in January or whatever month that you pick, not just 0:12:57.559 --> 0:13:00.400 I'm hoping to move there at some more this point 0:13:00.400 --> 0:13:04.480 in the future, or in some cases using a local 0:13:04.520 --> 0:13:06.600 address if you're going to be able to get there 0:13:06.679 --> 0:13:09.400 quickly for an interview. I wouldn't recommend doing that if 0:13:09.400 --> 0:13:11.640 you can't, because if you put down a local address 0:13:11.679 --> 0:13:13.680 and they're like, great, can you come in in two days, 0:13:14.120 --> 0:13:17.360 and you're suddenly stuck explaining, actually, I live across the country, 0:13:17.800 --> 0:13:20.200 it's going to look deceptive. But if you can be 0:13:20.280 --> 0:13:22.640 there quickly and there is a local address that you 0:13:22.640 --> 0:13:26.680 can use, that is an option. Other things like offering 0:13:26.720 --> 0:13:30.160 to pay for your own interview travel expenses, and definitely 0:13:30.240 --> 0:13:32.840 really leaning on your network to help you develop contacts 0:13:32.840 --> 0:13:35.520 in the area that you're moving to. And that last 0:13:35.520 --> 0:13:38.400 one does not mean blind email people. It means get 0:13:38.440 --> 0:13:40.960 the person in your network to introduce you to their 0:13:41.000 --> 0:13:42.840 old boss who works in the city you're moving to, 0:13:43.120 --> 0:13:45.920 or so forth, so that you're using real connections from 0:13:45.960 --> 0:13:51.400 your network. Okay, next question, Hi, Alison, when I listen 0:13:51.480 --> 0:13:54.040 to your episodes about getting your tone right and made 0:13:54.080 --> 0:13:55.920 me think of a question that it's plagued me for 0:13:55.960 --> 0:13:58.920 a while. I am a pretty rational person. I have 0:13:58.960 --> 0:14:02.600 a master's degree and have worked in scientific research. However, 0:14:02.960 --> 0:14:06.079 if I ever do experience any strong emotions, either positive 0:14:06.160 --> 0:14:09.400 or negative, I tend to reaspect crying. If an emotional 0:14:09.440 --> 0:14:11.920 skill was one to ten, if I am below with 0:14:11.960 --> 0:14:14.280 three or above a seven, I tend to cry and 0:14:14.320 --> 0:14:17.320 it's hard to stop myself. This can be very difficult 0:14:17.360 --> 0:14:20.600 because I don't want to seem unprofessional, weak, or unable 0:14:20.640 --> 0:14:24.440 to handle my workload. Another factor that compounds this issue 0:14:24.600 --> 0:14:26.480 is that I am currently a teacher who works in 0:14:26.520 --> 0:14:29.520 the middle school that serves very low income kits. This 0:14:29.600 --> 0:14:32.040 can cause a lot of emotional stress on top of 0:14:32.040 --> 0:14:35.000 what one might experience at a normal job. Is there 0:14:35.040 --> 0:14:37.160 any wisdom you can share about how to avoid this 0:14:37.960 --> 0:14:40.600 or alternatively, is there anything I can say in the 0:14:40.640 --> 0:14:43.080 moment to assure my coworkers that I am not a 0:14:43.160 --> 0:14:47.360 crazy over emotional wreck, but rather a professional, smart, strong, 0:14:47.920 --> 0:14:51.000 frequent crier. Thank you so much. I hope you have 0:14:51.000 --> 0:14:55.440 a great day. So I am someone who tears up 0:14:55.480 --> 0:14:59.240 easily too. I think a lot of us are. It's true, though, 0:14:59.400 --> 0:15:01.800 that will crying once or twice that work will usually 0:15:01.840 --> 0:15:05.280 be excused. If it's happening a lot, people are going 0:15:05.320 --> 0:15:08.200 to worry about what's going on. They might worry that 0:15:08.280 --> 0:15:10.920 you can't handle the stress of the job, or that 0:15:10.960 --> 0:15:14.160 you're too sensitive for getting feedback or so forth, and 0:15:14.240 --> 0:15:17.480 you don't want that, so I think the first thing is, 0:15:17.600 --> 0:15:20.840 if it is happening a lot, look for other ways 0:15:20.880 --> 0:15:24.040 to get that under control. There's some physical tricks that 0:15:24.120 --> 0:15:26.560 you can try that are supposed to help people, say 0:15:26.560 --> 0:15:30.160 pinching the bridge of your nose or pressing your tongue 0:15:30.240 --> 0:15:33.480 against the roof of your mouth, or even just making 0:15:33.520 --> 0:15:36.600 yourself think about something totally unrelated like what time it 0:15:36.680 --> 0:15:41.440 is sometimes can cut off the tears. Or if that 0:15:41.520 --> 0:15:44.760 doesn't work, you can physically remove yourself from the situation 0:15:44.920 --> 0:15:47.920 until you've regained your composure, Like you can say that 0:15:47.960 --> 0:15:49.920 you need to go get a glass of water, or 0:15:50.080 --> 0:15:53.120 excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, and often that's 0:15:53.120 --> 0:15:54.520 going to give you the break that you need to 0:15:54.560 --> 0:15:57.280 get it under control. But if you do tear up 0:15:57.280 --> 0:15:59.840 in front of a colleague, most people will take their 0:16:00.080 --> 0:16:03.080 used from you. So if you're a really matter of 0:16:03.120 --> 0:16:06.040 fact about it and you just say something like, please 0:16:06.040 --> 0:16:08.200 excuse me my tear ducks have a mind of their own, 0:16:09.120 --> 0:16:11.640 or don't mind me. I'm an easy crier, but I 0:16:11.640 --> 0:16:13.520 want to hear what you're saying, so please go on 0:16:14.520 --> 0:16:17.800 something that signals, hey, this isn't a big deal. Yeah, 0:16:17.840 --> 0:16:20.240 there's water coming from my eyes, but it's not getting 0:16:20.280 --> 0:16:23.560 in the way of me hearing and processing what you're saying. So, 0:16:23.560 --> 0:16:26.560 in other words, don't let it be disruptive, Assure the 0:16:26.560 --> 0:16:28.840 person you're talking to you that you're hearing them and 0:16:28.960 --> 0:16:31.800 they don't need to stop and comfort you, and so forth. 0:16:31.840 --> 0:16:33.640 And the more matter of fact that you can be 0:16:33.680 --> 0:16:36.720 about it, the better. Let's do a quick break and 0:16:36.760 --> 0:16:47.520 come right back. Okay, here is our next question. I 0:16:47.600 --> 0:16:50.960 have a complicated situation. I am the manager of a 0:16:51.000 --> 0:16:54.000 department in a public library. I have an employee who 0:16:54.040 --> 0:16:56.960 was very kind and helpful, but she doesn't take feedback 0:16:57.080 --> 0:17:01.840 very well. Um, the person perceives back and some conversations 0:17:01.960 --> 0:17:04.960 to be aggressive towards her, and she inflates the way 0:17:05.000 --> 0:17:08.159 people respond to her, which then leads to her feeling 0:17:08.200 --> 0:17:11.399 insecure about her relationships with co workers in a really 0:17:11.440 --> 0:17:15.480 irrational way. She has also overreacted in the past and 0:17:15.520 --> 0:17:17.800 has tried to quit because she thought she submitted some 0:17:17.920 --> 0:17:21.400 cardinal work sin which turned out to be a mynor inconvenience. 0:17:22.080 --> 0:17:24.000 I and my director had to talk her back from 0:17:24.040 --> 0:17:27.440 the edge in that case. In the past several months, 0:17:27.520 --> 0:17:30.080 she has been dealing with difficult matters at home. Her 0:17:30.160 --> 0:17:32.680 husband found work in a neighboring state about three hours 0:17:32.680 --> 0:17:36.920 away and has been unfful during his travels. Rather than 0:17:37.000 --> 0:17:39.399 leaving him, she decided that she would follow him to 0:17:39.400 --> 0:17:42.280 his new job and resigned from the library. We posted 0:17:42.320 --> 0:17:45.919 her position and received more than a dozen applicants, a 0:17:45.960 --> 0:17:49.720 few of which are very promising. As I was about 0:17:49.720 --> 0:17:52.479 to schedule interviews, she informed me that she is not 0:17:52.600 --> 0:17:55.359 moving and would like to keep her job. Do I 0:17:55.480 --> 0:17:58.400 keep on or pushed her to resign she had planned. 0:17:59.320 --> 0:18:01.560 She has been in this position for about teen months 0:18:01.600 --> 0:18:04.600 and generally does a good job with with minor adjustments 0:18:04.680 --> 0:18:07.280 that need to be made in her performance. What should 0:18:07.320 --> 0:18:12.919 I do? Thank you so much? So you say she 0:18:13.000 --> 0:18:16.679 generally does a good job, that she sounds exhausting, she 0:18:16.800 --> 0:18:19.959 takes feedback badly, and she gets weird about her relationships 0:18:19.960 --> 0:18:23.119 with her coworkers, and she's tried to quit before for 0:18:23.200 --> 0:18:26.080 strange reasons and you've had to talk her down. It 0:18:26.160 --> 0:18:29.879 all sounds like a lot of drama and distraction. I 0:18:29.920 --> 0:18:34.400 am curious when she resigned this time, did you feel relief, 0:18:34.440 --> 0:18:36.919 because if you did, that is a sign that you 0:18:36.960 --> 0:18:40.359 have probably been accommodating behavior that you should not have 0:18:40.400 --> 0:18:43.520 been accommodating, and that it might actually be better for 0:18:43.560 --> 0:18:46.680 your organization to take this opportunity to part ways with her. 0:18:47.880 --> 0:18:50.119 I don't know that that's the right move in this case, 0:18:50.200 --> 0:18:53.119 but I do want you to know that in theory, 0:18:53.520 --> 0:18:57.240 you're certainly entitled to say, you know, you resigned, and 0:18:57.280 --> 0:19:00.240 we accepted that resignation, and we're now moving forward word 0:19:00.240 --> 0:19:03.600 with other applicants who we recruited in good faith, and 0:19:03.680 --> 0:19:05.199 we're going to stick with the path that we're on 0:19:05.280 --> 0:19:08.480 and keep your last day as whatever date was set. 0:19:09.320 --> 0:19:11.280 And that is what I would recommend doing with someone 0:19:11.320 --> 0:19:13.760 who was a different sort of problem, Like if she 0:19:13.800 --> 0:19:17.000 had had a terrible attitude and been a jerk to people, 0:19:17.480 --> 0:19:20.520 I would go with that plan. But you say she's 0:19:20.560 --> 0:19:24.000 actually very kind and helpful, So I am betting that 0:19:24.040 --> 0:19:26.720 will not feel like the right thing to do, especially 0:19:26.720 --> 0:19:29.120 when you throw in the situation with her marriage, which 0:19:29.160 --> 0:19:32.800 sounds pretty awful. So there is a middle ground here. 0:19:33.200 --> 0:19:35.680 You could say to her, you know, we took you 0:19:35.720 --> 0:19:37.200 out your word when you resigned, and we put a 0:19:37.280 --> 0:19:40.240 lot of work into recruiting good candidates, and we have 0:19:40.320 --> 0:19:43.520 some promising people in the candidate pool now, but we 0:19:43.600 --> 0:19:45.720 also value you and I don't want to put you 0:19:45.720 --> 0:19:48.680 in a difficult spot. But if we short circuit the 0:19:48.720 --> 0:19:51.280 search now and you stay, I want to be transparent 0:19:51.359 --> 0:19:52.679 with you that we're going to need you to make 0:19:52.720 --> 0:19:56.040 some changes. You do excellent work, but you also bring 0:19:56.080 --> 0:19:59.199 a lot of drama into your relationships here, and I 0:19:59.200 --> 0:20:01.520 need you to read that because it can be distracting. 0:20:02.080 --> 0:20:04.439 I need you to work on not responding defensively when 0:20:04.480 --> 0:20:07.159 you get feedback, and on dealing with colleagues in a calm, 0:20:07.440 --> 0:20:10.400 drama freeway. And you could give a couple of examples 0:20:10.400 --> 0:20:12.800 there so that she's clear about what you're talking about, 0:20:13.520 --> 0:20:16.239 and you could say, if you can commit to doing that, 0:20:16.280 --> 0:20:18.560 we can move forward. But if you can't or you 0:20:18.600 --> 0:20:21.000 don't want to, we'd want to stick with the ending 0:20:21.080 --> 0:20:24.720 date that you set. And you should also say you 0:20:24.760 --> 0:20:27.040 know you've resigned in the past and then rescinded it, 0:20:27.200 --> 0:20:29.560 so I need you to be really clear that if 0:20:29.600 --> 0:20:31.520 you tell me again that you're quitting after this, I 0:20:31.560 --> 0:20:33.480 am going to take you at your word and we 0:20:33.480 --> 0:20:38.160 won't be able to reverse it again. You might feel like, oh, 0:20:38.200 --> 0:20:40.399 that's kind of harsh for someone who does good work, 0:20:40.600 --> 0:20:44.520 but what you've described is actually really disruptive. And you've 0:20:44.520 --> 0:20:47.920 got to think about her coworkers too, because if they 0:20:47.960 --> 0:20:50.439 see her being this disruptive and then they had the 0:20:50.560 --> 0:20:54.120 relief I'm betting of her resigning and then they see 0:20:54.160 --> 0:20:57.120 her reverse and course and coming back and you being 0:20:57.119 --> 0:20:59.920 okay with it, the message that you will take a 0:21:00.040 --> 0:21:02.879 way is that you're either fine with all of the 0:21:02.960 --> 0:21:06.080 drama or you're not fine with it, but you aren't 0:21:06.119 --> 0:21:10.439 being a strong leader and addressing it. So if you 0:21:10.520 --> 0:21:12.720 do let her rescind the resignation, it's got to be 0:21:12.760 --> 0:21:15.880 with these conditions on it and a commitment from her 0:21:16.040 --> 0:21:21.880 to really get that behavior under control. Let's take another question. Hi, 0:21:22.280 --> 0:21:26.199 I wanted to talk to Alison and figure out a 0:21:26.200 --> 0:21:30.960 way how to ask my brod to go from working 0:21:31.080 --> 0:21:36.560