Speaker 1: Who baby, my baby, I need you, Oh hell, I
Speaker 1: need you. What to expect? As a production of I
Speaker 1: Heart Radio, I'm your host Heidi Murkop and I'm a
Speaker 1: mom on a mission, a mission to help you know
Speaker 1: what to expect every step of the way. Remember when
Speaker 1: there was no place on the planet your baby would
Speaker 1: rather be than snuggled up in your arms, gazing up
Speaker 1: at your adoring face, all sweet smiles and breathy coups. Well,
Speaker 1: if your baby has taken those first monumental steps into toddlerhood,
Speaker 1: you may already belonging for those days when you're little
Speaker 1: one's contentment was always just a cuddle and a feet away.
Speaker 1: Was so much new territory to conquer, so many new
Speaker 1: milestones to check off, and so many miles to cover
Speaker 1: on two feet. Your toddler is still very little, but
Speaker 1: nobody's baby. In so many ways, toddlers are larger than life,
Speaker 1: especially when it comes to their feelings. When they're happy,
Speaker 1: you know it. When they're mad, you know it. From
Speaker 1: meltdowns on the frozen food aisle to battles over bathtime,
Speaker 1: life with a toddler is never boring, and it can
Speaker 1: definitely keep you guessing well that's about to change, because
Speaker 1: today we're answering your biggest toddler questions, and we brought
Speaker 1: in backup. Kristen and Dina are the moms behind big
Speaker 1: little feelings, and chances are you are one of the
Speaker 1: over million parents who follow them on Instagram for their
Speaker 1: practical and actionable advice. They know they're toddlers. Kristen has
Speaker 1: two toddlers, so she's in the trenches, and Dina is
Speaker 1: a child therapist who happens to have a newborn, so
Speaker 1: she'll soon be putting those skills to the test at home. Today,
Speaker 1: they're here to talk about communicating with your toddlers, taming tantrums,
Speaker 1: and the truth about time out, discipline, and understanding all
Speaker 1: those big little feelings. Welcome Kristen, Indiana. We are so
Speaker 1: excited to have you here today. And I know someone
Speaker 1: who's a little extra excited because your advice could not
Speaker 1: come at a better time. For Emma. She has discovered
Speaker 1: that the struggle with a two and a half year
Speaker 1: old is indeed real. Two story Emma, it's just he's
Speaker 1: a lot, you know. He doesn't listen at all. He
Speaker 1: doesn't listen to my husband. But I mean he's very headstrong,
Speaker 1: and I'm kind of like in that pick your battles
Speaker 1: kind of phase and it's kind of taken that to
Speaker 1: the next level. Yeah, have you stopped picking any battles
Speaker 1: at all? Is what's going on? Yeah, you know what,
Speaker 1: I'm so tired. You know, this has been a real
Speaker 1: this has been a year, and you know, I've kind
Speaker 1: of taking off my parenting hat and I'm at then
Speaker 1: this kind of point and I know that's so wrong,
Speaker 1: but like, you know what, I think we got to
Speaker 1: stop you right there. I think any thank you, I
Speaker 1: mean not in fucking mode, right not. I mean I
Speaker 1: think you captured that perfectly. Yeah, Nope, You're doing great.
Speaker 1: And it's like I want him to like fall direction
Speaker 1: because today he started school like for an hour, and
Speaker 1: I'm like, I swear to you, I know within a
Speaker 1: week he's going to be kicked out for you know,
Speaker 1: he is My husband are probably bets on this, Like
Speaker 1: We're like, he's he going to punch a kid, He's
Speaker 1: gonna throw something. Can we just say that everything you
Speaker 1: just mentioned is very normal toddler behavior. Gets kicked out
Speaker 1: of school for hitting or knocking over some blocks. Then
Speaker 1: we got a bigger problem with that, There'll be no
Speaker 1: toddlers in the preschool if we do that. No, yeah, exactly,
Speaker 1: Like I think, first of all, you're not saying air,
Speaker 1: which is a good thing, um. And and he has
Speaker 1: other authority figures. And I think, like Emma, lots of parents,
Speaker 1: especially now, just want to get through the day. And
Speaker 1: setting short term goals is good because survival, Emma, as
Speaker 1: you mentioned, is a good thing. But tellsler's really are
Speaker 1: about the here and now, But managing their behavior isn't.
Speaker 1: What do you guys think? Yeah, I mean again, we're
Speaker 1: in we're in unprecedented times right now. So I think
Speaker 1: our answer a year ago would have been very different
Speaker 1: than our answer today, And I think that's worth noting that.
Speaker 1: I agree with you. Long term is really our goal, um.
Speaker 1: And what's kind of cool is when we start to
Speaker 1: look at some of the things that that Dina and
Speaker 1: I share, some of these strategies that are rooted in
Speaker 1: thirty years of research that leads to let's say, long term,
Speaker 1: healthy resilient kids. For us as parents, sometimes what we
Speaker 1: want is the screaming to stop. Right now, We're really
Speaker 1: not so folk guest, I mean, we want that shore
Speaker 1: when the kids are in bed and sleeping, we're like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: how can I make them healthy adults? But in the moment,
Speaker 1: right what we want is help right now today. And
Speaker 1: what's kind of cool is that when Dina and I
Speaker 1: started putting our heads together on all of this research
Speaker 1: and long term resilience, there are so many of these
Speaker 1: things that actually serve both purposes. Like one thing that
Speaker 1: we always talk about that's a great example we like
Speaker 1: to use is the you know, just letting toddlers know
Speaker 1: that their feelings are okay, okay, let's use that as
Speaker 1: a great example. So on one end, that sounds very
Speaker 1: fluffy and idealistic and whatever, But when you look at
Speaker 1: the research, we're building healthy emotional skills life long. They
Speaker 1: won't push their feelings down leads to destructive behavior, YadA, YadA.
Speaker 1: At the same time, if you were to say to me, hey, Kristen,
Speaker 1: what's the number one thing you should do if you're
Speaker 1: toddler is having a tantrum and you do nothing else,
Speaker 1: I would say, get down to their level and let
Speaker 1: them know, Hey, Bud, you're so upset right now about
Speaker 1: the iPad being all done. I get it. It's okay
Speaker 1: to be upset because magically, in that moment, oftentimes, just
Speaker 1: doing that, their tantrum is going to be shorter and
Speaker 1: less intense, rather than you're saying, what's the big deal?
Speaker 1: Get over it? I told you a hundred times, the
Speaker 1: iPad is all done. And so it's kind of magical
Speaker 1: that a lot of these things can can have both. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's important to validate their feelings, as we always talk about,
Speaker 1: but also to get on their level and put yourself
Speaker 1: in their little shoes and understand why they're feeling the
Speaker 1: big feelings that they are and they can't express them
Speaker 1: as easily as as we can. And sometimes we have
Speaker 1: a hard time expressing our feelings right in a positive way.
Speaker 1: It's not like we're running around, you know, being always
Speaker 1: calm and collected. I am angry or upset by very
Speaker 1: ridiculous things, especially too. I always like to make that
Speaker 1: comparison that if you had a really hard day and
Speaker 1: you know, there was just traffic and something was just
Speaker 1: just grating on you, and you walk in, you tell
Speaker 1: your partner about it, and they're like, it's a big deal,
Speaker 1: nothing even happened. What are you talking about? Like, get
Speaker 1: over it? You would just feel horrible. You'd you would explode.
Speaker 1: I mean, it just wouldn't feel good. And all you
Speaker 1: needed in that moment with someone to say you're having
Speaker 1: a hard time. I get that. It's a game changer.
Speaker 1: That's so true. I would fully throw something. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: would throw something. Yeah, I would knock go over some blocks. Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1: You know what's interesting what you said though? To me,
Speaker 1: it's like during that moment when he's having a tantrum,
Speaker 1: like I kind of just I'm in pilot mode and
Speaker 1: I like given a lot of times, and then at
Speaker 1: night when I'm in bed when he's sleeping, I'm like, wow,
Speaker 1: what can I do tomorrow to like help that situation
Speaker 1: in a in a more positive way where he's learning,
Speaker 1: and also like I'm not losing my mind. But and
Speaker 1: then the next day it's again, it's it's a vicious
Speaker 1: cycle because I don't want to deal with it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And you know, I feel like it's important, you know,
Speaker 1: as much as putting yourself in there their little sneakers
Speaker 1: also to understand what toddler is and why they behave
Speaker 1: the way that they do, because perspective goes a really
Speaker 1: long way. All you see is the screaming and the negativity.
Speaker 1: And you know, hoddlerhood is the first adolescence. This is
Speaker 1: when a child is for the first time setting out
Speaker 1: on two feet, you know, carving their own identity and
Speaker 1: declaring their independence. Um, the only way they know how
Speaker 1: at this point exactly, I'm so happy you said that.
Speaker 1: And has so much to do with their brain development.
Speaker 1: At this spep of life, their brains are exploding in
Speaker 1: terms of development, it's happening so quickly, and at the
Speaker 1: same time, the upper areas of their brain that how
Speaker 1: all the networks that help them manage their motions, use
Speaker 1: their language to express themselves and ask for things and
Speaker 1: control their bodies. That is so under construction still, and
Speaker 1: that's why we see them screaming and screeching, flailing around,
Speaker 1: you know, like hitting on the ground and your kid
Speaker 1: pushing back in the toddler stage is actually an amazing sign.
Speaker 1: It's a sign that internally they're starting to become aware
Speaker 1: of what they want and what they need and they're
Speaker 1: saying no, I have an opinion. You're saying no, and
Speaker 1: I say yes, And that's actually kind of amazing, and
Speaker 1: they're kind of exploring that that relationship too by the way, right,
Speaker 1: everything is new, everything is out there, and they're kind
Speaker 1: of I think of it when they're testing boundaries. It's like, yes,
Speaker 1: they've reached this milestone. They are healthy development yea. And
Speaker 1: then I kind of like to think of it as, hey, mom,
Speaker 1: are you in control? Or am I in control? Because
Speaker 1: toddler's having control of everything in the whole world, bedtime, iPad,
Speaker 1: this keeping them safe, that's actually scary for them. And
Speaker 1: even though it seems like they want to have all
Speaker 1: the power and all the control, it's actually them kind
Speaker 1: of asking us to hey, are you the calm, confident
Speaker 1: leader or am I the leader? Should I make these choices?
Speaker 1: And when we have those sort of limits that are
Speaker 1: loving there, it's not authoritative, it's not threatening, but a
Speaker 1: really calm, confident, leading vibe. Our toddler will feel safer
Speaker 1: to then be the kid. Right, That's what we want
Speaker 1: them to be, is a free kid, and we are
Speaker 1: here to keep them safe, to let them know what's
Speaker 1: on the menu for lunch. And then, like we talk about,
Speaker 1: then you give them toddler type of control and power.
Speaker 1: Hey it's time for shoes. Now, we're leaving right now.
Speaker 1: That's a mean thing. I'm calm, I'm in control. Do
Speaker 1: you want the red shoes or the blue shoes? And
Speaker 1: that way they feel like they have age appropriate power.
Speaker 1: That's like the wonderful trifecta if you can get there
Speaker 1: and avoid the the yes or no answer, because you
Speaker 1: will always get no. You're always gonna get no. I
Speaker 1: always make this mistake and Melissa, do you want this?
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, if you say do you want to
Speaker 1: use the potty? Why are we for? It's like I
Speaker 1: say that to you, by the way, but I'm like,
Speaker 1: why did I just ask? It's actually unfair because when
Speaker 1: they say no, and I'm like, well too, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean? All that's terrible. It's not fair. All
Speaker 1: I had to say was it's time to use the party? Now?
Speaker 1: Would you like to use the big party or the
Speaker 1: little potty or something like yeah, but it's just it's
Speaker 1: time for bedtime, not are you ready for bed? And
Speaker 1: they go no. I mean, why am I? Asking? Is
Speaker 1: so important? And I didn't understand that until right now. Actually,
Speaker 1: But I think modeling the behavior that you want to
Speaker 1: see in your kid it sounds like a great idea,
Speaker 1: and it is a great idea. So like you need
Speaker 1: to be the common their storm because when you're upset
Speaker 1: and they're upset, everybody's upset, and you get nowhere because
Speaker 1: that's unsettling. Like you said, Kristen, that's scary when everything's
Speaker 1: out of control. Mommy's out of control, even if you're
Speaker 1: in control, but you say, you know what, yeah, one
Speaker 1: more episode. Even just that can be a little bit
Speaker 1: chaotic and confusing, right because with mommy says one more episode,
Speaker 1: then okay, just mean one more episode, doesn't mean five
Speaker 1: more episode When we're at the park, Oh does this
Speaker 1: mean five more minutes or ten more minutes, thirty more
Speaker 1: minutes or one more minute? So I know I am
Speaker 1: the biggest people pleaser in the world. I hate for
Speaker 1: anyone to be upset about anything. But what helps me
Speaker 1: in the boundary stage because it's hard for us. People
Speaker 1: pleasers are people that really want to make people happy,
Speaker 1: especially our kids. I try to think of it as
Speaker 1: keeping them safe, the same way I wouldn't let them
Speaker 1: run into a road, and I would want to say
Speaker 1: I'm here and I'm keeping you safe. I'm here, I'm
Speaker 1: keeping you safe. I kind of just like mantra that
Speaker 1: over and over when it comes to the iPad, when
Speaker 1: it comes to leaving the park, when it comes to
Speaker 1: getting out of the bathtub, it's like, this is my role.
Speaker 1: It's okay to be upset about this. I'm keeping you safe.
Speaker 1: And I feel like if you were a pedestrian on
Speaker 1: the street and you didn't know what the traffic rules
Speaker 1: were and there were no lights and so you would
Speaker 1: just cross, so the cars would just go whenever, and
Speaker 1: so you would be confused, you would be unsettled, and
Speaker 1: you would probably almost certainly be non complaint because you
Speaker 1: would never know what the rules were going to be
Speaker 1: on any given day. It's confusing. You know what confusion
Speaker 1: leads to, by the way, chaos, it leads to tantrums,
Speaker 1: It leads to those big emotions and when they feel safer,
Speaker 1: Like you just said, there's one, gosh, the one analogy,
Speaker 1: and I can't remember who's first said it, but with
Speaker 1: the guardrails, it's a great analogy. It's just like that
Speaker 1: street light analogy. If there are no guardrails up, then
Speaker 1: we're gonna really tiptoe kind of and then be hesitant
Speaker 1: and then go forward and then be wary and then
Speaker 1: be scared and then be cautious. And then be this.
Speaker 1: And it's our job as parents to provide those guardrails
Speaker 1: so that they can really thrive and kind of like
Speaker 1: run through life being a kid and know that we're
Speaker 1: there to have that structure to keep them safe. And
Speaker 1: what we're really all saying too, is that when we
Speaker 1: don't feel safe, what ends up happening is that your
Speaker 1: brain kicks into survival mode. It kicks into that fight
Speaker 1: or fly, freeze or faint. Those are really like the
Speaker 1: four survival responses. And so we talk about aggressive kids
Speaker 1: that's fight. We talk about you know, like nervous kids
Speaker 1: who don't want to take risk, that's also a survival response.
Speaker 1: This is all like sort of that high level talk
Speaker 1: that I always found really confusing. And so the big
Speaker 1: little feelings way is, now, let's talk about that with
Speaker 1: that iPad example. What that means is is that when
Speaker 1: you say every single time almost almost that iPad is
Speaker 1: all done, you mean iPad is all done. What that
Speaker 1: means is their little brains feel safer, even though they're upset.
Speaker 1: By the second or third time, it's not going to
Speaker 1: be a pushback or a struggle because when mom says
Speaker 1: what she means, she means what she says, and we're
Speaker 1: not going in a flight fight or even like oh
Speaker 1: how can I get more? It's just like it's hard
Speaker 1: for those initial few times, but then it's not a pushback,
Speaker 1: it's not a struggle anymore. We feel okay, this is it.
Speaker 1: It's one more episode exactly. And I feel like if
Speaker 1: you're gonna old boundaries, which is like we're saying, it's
Speaker 1: really hard sometimes because they're screaming, they're crying, it's loud,
Speaker 1: we're overwhelmed. I feel like we also have to be
Speaker 1: armed too. It's like the tool of okay, the feelings,
Speaker 1: you can see them and hear them. Yes, it's so
Speaker 1: hard right now, you're really upset, it's okay to cry
Speaker 1: and let them express that. As we hold boundaries, and
Speaker 1: you know, you talk also about the same things that
Speaker 1: I talk about, which consistency and structure and predictability. So
Speaker 1: the rules are always the same. The rules are age appropriate, right,
Speaker 1: because if you expect too much from a kid, they
Speaker 1: can't deliver, they can't live up to those expectations. And
Speaker 1: if you expect too little, what's the point? So true,
Speaker 1: and of course the unconditional love, So even when I
Speaker 1: mean everybody's heard this, but it's so important to remember
Speaker 1: that if your child feels loved, it's okay for your
Speaker 1: child to know you're not fond of their behavior in
Speaker 1: this moment, but that you always love them no matter what,
Speaker 1: absolutely and eve even not only unconditional love, which is
Speaker 1: so important, but also cementing in the fact that they
Speaker 1: are a good kid no matter what. They are a
Speaker 1: great kid who made a mistake, and so the mistake
Speaker 1: can be something that we will help them by the
Speaker 1: way we're going to help them in the future. To Okay,
Speaker 1: we were feeling angry, It's okay to feel angry. I'm
Speaker 1: here with you. And next time we feel angry, what
Speaker 1: are we going to do differently? And we love them
Speaker 1: no matter what they do, and they are a good
Speaker 1: kid no matter what mistakes they may have made today. Dina,
Speaker 1: You're not there quite yet, but christ and I'm sure
Speaker 1: there are times when you completely ignore your own best advice.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, all the time. Yes. First of all, yes,
Speaker 1: human nature, especially under stress under hello a pandemic our
Speaker 1: big thing. Anyways, No matter what is the twenty rule,
Speaker 1: I am all about the eight twenty rule. And I
Speaker 1: feel a lot more empowered when I let myself do that.
Speaker 1: So that means eighty percent of the time is what
Speaker 1: I'm striving for. Some weeks, it's not gonna be eighty.
Speaker 1: Sometimes it's gonna be fifty. But let's celebrate that eighty
Speaker 1: or fifty percent of the time where we're like, all right,
Speaker 1: I held that boundary. I didn't give in Okay, cool,
Speaker 1: I did this or I did that. And then twenty
Speaker 1: of the time I now structure those days in because
Speaker 1: I'm a little bit of a perfectionist and I just
Speaker 1: like to know, like, Okay, today is a day where
Speaker 1: I'm gonna try really hard, and then I know that
Speaker 1: two days a week almost I'm letting go of everything.
Speaker 1: I let screen time, we're having crackers with cheese, We're
Speaker 1: having you know, we can let on like holidays. You know,
Speaker 1: you're letting the boundaries go, you're having their having sugar,
Speaker 1: things like that. It is impossible to be perfect one
Speaker 1: hundred percent of the time. And I think that people
Speaker 1: when they read about, you know, sort of positive parenting
Speaker 1: gent whatever you want to call it, it seems really unrealistic.
Speaker 1: And that's because I think it is. And you can't
Speaker 1: be at one of the time, and for me, I
Speaker 1: know not even to strive for that, so I don't
Speaker 1: feel like I failed. And when you feel like you've
Speaker 1: failed and you get into that like guilt and the cycle,
Speaker 1: you're gonna wake up and not really do it again
Speaker 1: and pop up up. And for me, it's like I
Speaker 1: did a fifty percent jobs it's great, like I did it,
Speaker 1: I tried, I killed it. But it's the same thing
Speaker 1: as with kids. You want to set expectations for yourself
Speaker 1: that are realistic, because when I see headlines that are
Speaker 1: just like, you know, how to be a better parent.
Speaker 1: First of all, there's no one right way to do
Speaker 1: any of this. You know, you've got to find your
Speaker 1: own way. But you can't be so hard on yourself.
Speaker 1: Moms especially, I think, are so hard on ourselves on
Speaker 1: on others, and I mean Insta ram, social media. All
Speaker 1: we see are the toddlers who are wearing matching outfits
Speaker 1: with like perfect ice cream cones in their hands that
Speaker 1: are not dripping, and then the mom is wearing like
Speaker 1: like booty shorts with her abs and like a newborn
Speaker 1: baby on her breast, and it's like nobody is showing
Speaker 1: the behind the scenes where she was like screaming and
Speaker 1: giving them candy to sit down and stay still, and
Speaker 1: like threatening to take away the ip and then she
Speaker 1: storms off and then this and that, and it's very
Speaker 1: difficult space I think to be a mom because it's like, oh,
Speaker 1: I need perfect activities, I need a perfect I haven't
Speaker 1: done an activity in four years. I did one time
Speaker 1: and I was like, this is my nightmare. I don't
Speaker 1: have the capacity for this. I don't have the patience
Speaker 1: for it. You know what I'm good at, I'm really
Speaker 1: good at messy play, Like I'll let them jump in
Speaker 1: a puddle, I'll let them go wild. You should celebrate
Speaker 1: the ship out of that um and celebrate those things.
Speaker 1: It's such a mind shift and we have to be
Speaker 1: so so aware of it because otherwise we drive ourselves crazy.
Speaker 1: And you know, I'm never going to be the clean
Speaker 1: mom and I'm never going to be an activity mom.
Speaker 1: And that's okay. I'm a great mom, preach I'm not
Speaker 1: a clean mom either. My house is a mess and
Speaker 1: you know what, yeah no, so yeah, it's never gonna happen.
Speaker 1: It's never gonna happen for me. And on the other side,
Speaker 1: there are other moms out there that have they do
Speaker 1: show that perfectly clean house on Instagram. You know, I
Speaker 1: have a friend who's exactly that way, and she's a
Speaker 1: really tidy everything is perfect, and yet her child will
Speaker 1: only eat like pouches or waffles. That's her struggle. We
Speaker 1: all have our struggle, and we all have our things
Speaker 1: that we are good at. I love when mom's on
Speaker 1: Instagram really show the reality of it though, like like
Speaker 1: they tell their their truth, because the thing is you
Speaker 1: are helping other moms with that. When you're painting this
Speaker 1: perfect picture, which I used to do on Instagram before
Speaker 1: the ship hit the fan of this pandemic, I feel
Speaker 1: like I used to have a much more clean Instagram,
Speaker 1: but now I feel like my house is messying every
Speaker 1: picture share everything's a ship storm like and and that's
Speaker 1: real and I think that's relatable absolutely. And Dina and
Speaker 1: I when we started, we only started one year ago,
Speaker 1: big little feelings, and at that time everyone had the
Speaker 1: selfie ring light. They were very buttoned up tutorials. You know,
Speaker 1: we are educators quote unquote. There was no swearing. The
Speaker 1: backgrounds were perfectly clean, and we were like, listen, we're
Speaker 1: gonna be us. We're gonna show mom buns. We're gonna
Speaker 1: swear sometimes because Instagram is not for toddler's Instagram is
Speaker 1: for moms. And when I had my first baby, I
Speaker 1: was scrolling through Instagram. I loved all of the you know,
Speaker 1: parent coaching and things like that space, but I had
Speaker 1: postpartum anxiety. I didn't know any other moms. I didn't
Speaker 1: see a single mom that looked like me. I didn't
Speaker 1: see a single mom that sounded like me. I didn't
Speaker 1: see a house that looked like mine. And it was devastating.
Speaker 1: It was really hard, and we thought, listen, this this
Speaker 1: may cause that we don't get any followers. It's just
Speaker 1: gonna be our mom's being like girls, you're doing so good. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but it was important to us to kind of break
Speaker 1: the mold and be different and not show just perfection.
Speaker 1: We share good days are bad days are like you know,
Speaker 1: joyful days, and the days that were just crying messes,
Speaker 1: we're just falling apart. That's so important. So we we
Speaker 1: know that we need to set boundaries that guardrail. What
Speaker 1: do we do? Clearly, young Toddler's distraction is the best
Speaker 1: way in most cases, but if you've started thinking about
Speaker 1: the word discipline or punishment. I feel like parents need
Speaker 1: some guidance on this because it's it's really easy in
Speaker 1: the moment to lose your temper. How would you define
Speaker 1: discipline for a toddler, Well, let's break down punishment versus discipline,
Speaker 1: because they're actually different, but they sometimes are used the same.
Speaker 1: So fishman is when our reaction is designed to make
Speaker 1: a kid feel scared or bad about themselves so that
Speaker 1: they'll shift the behavior next time. Now, discipline, the real
Speaker 1: meaning of it, the Latin route, if you want to
Speaker 1: get really nerdy with me, really means to teach. We
Speaker 1: are their life teachers. They've never done this before, this
Speaker 1: whole life thing. It's new to them. And remember the
Speaker 1: way their brains work. They may need like a hundred
Speaker 1: reminders to get something that's okay. But discipline is really
Speaker 1: we are teaching them how to do things differently. We
Speaker 1: are teaching them how to understand their emotions, how to
Speaker 1: understand what they want, what they need, and express it
Speaker 1: in safe and healthy ways, which, by the way, becomes
Speaker 1: lifelong skills for living with resilience completely because you are
Speaker 1: going to be living with rules around you your entire life,
Speaker 1: and you need to start learning at the beginning, and
Speaker 1: you need to know right from wrong. And you are
Speaker 1: your child's first and most important teacher, and that's one
Speaker 1: of the most important things that you can teach. I
Speaker 1: love how you say that. Sometimes some of those quote
Speaker 1: unquote pushback I guess if you will, on gentle parenting
Speaker 1: or positive parenting or whatever you want to say, And
Speaker 1: it's it's just a huge misconception because I think that
Speaker 1: what we are doing is actually setting them up to
Speaker 1: be able to live in a realistic world with rules,
Speaker 1: with expectations with others. When we look at how children
Speaker 1: learn in schools, when we learn, how did you learn
Speaker 1: when you went to college? How did you learn? Was
Speaker 1: it fear based? Did somebody threaten to take away your home?
Speaker 1: Did somebody threatened to take away your salary? If you
Speaker 1: think about the best coach you've ever had, the best
Speaker 1: boss you've ever had, were they incredibly domineering and shaming
Speaker 1: or were there to make you feel like you were
Speaker 1: valued and seen and they were there to help you
Speaker 1: next time you made a mistake. Okay, this was a mistake.
Speaker 1: They're very confident and permanent. They're not okay with it,
Speaker 1: they don't allow it. But hey, what are we gonna
Speaker 1: do next time and give you another shot? What is
Speaker 1: your incentive, by the way, it's something positive, it's a bonus,
Speaker 1: it's camaraderie, it's teamwork. And so it's so boggles my
Speaker 1: mind a little bit that we treat children the opposite
Speaker 1: and that we should be leading with punishment and fear.
Speaker 1: When fear is a terrible teacher. It's a terrible teacher.
Speaker 1: It actually studies show that it impacts long term learning,
Speaker 1: and that's why we don't use punishments in schools anymore.
Speaker 1: So why are we using them at home? And it
Speaker 1: just doesn't teach them anything? How many times we hear
Speaker 1: over and over, well I put my kid in the
Speaker 1: time out. Well I spanked them for hitting, and it
Speaker 1: stopped right that second, right, they you know, look at
Speaker 1: you and you say, hey, I'm gonna put you in
Speaker 1: a time out right then and there what is happening
Speaker 1: is they freeze because of that fear. Right, you're threatening
Speaker 1: and they're afraid. We don't need to be super dramatic,
Speaker 1: but truly it's a fear. I don't want to go
Speaker 1: do this, so no, and you stop and you freeze,
Speaker 1: and then they go they go in the time out,
Speaker 1: they have their punishment, and they come right back out
Speaker 1: and they go over to baby sister and they smack
Speaker 1: her right in the face. What just happened, right? And
Speaker 1: that's because in that very one small moment, they will freeze.
Speaker 1: I think that's why people are confused. It works, look,
Speaker 1: it works, but it doesn't work long term. It doesn't
Speaker 1: teach them how to not hit baby sister. It taught
Speaker 1: them in this moment, don't do this or else. Well,
Speaker 1: in terms of time out, it's not like they can
Speaker 1: sit there and think about what they've done, because you know,
Speaker 1: that's like way above their pay right right. I mean
Speaker 1: maybe in a much later date they can go to
Speaker 1: the room and think about what they've done. But no,
Speaker 1: no two year old can't do that. My dad, by
Speaker 1: the way, we we had time outs in our house,
Speaker 1: and he was really proud because like he wasn't spanking right.
Speaker 1: It was like, we do this really awesome thing called
Speaker 1: time out. And I would just go into my room
Speaker 1: for however long, and I would be steaming. I'd be
Speaker 1: so mad, plotting about how I'm going to get them back.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna cold show older than when I come out
Speaker 1: of this room. And like do bad things, and I
Speaker 1: didn't think about what I did wrong at all. Right,
Speaker 1: I didn't really learn anything. But I think that's a
Speaker 1: really big point too, is when we're talking about a
Speaker 1: parent child relationship and building tools and building trust and
Speaker 1: building authenticity. I mean, when we send our kids away
Speaker 1: to time out when they've quote unquote done something wrong,
Speaker 1: we teach them that big feelings really aren't welcome in
Speaker 1: this house, and we miss the opportunity to teach them
Speaker 1: how to handle a big feeling next time, which is
Speaker 1: that lifelong skill. What is your takeaway when they slug
Speaker 1: punch saying for hitting, Yeah, well we'll see them. Well, okay,
Speaker 1: the feeling. It's okay to feel mad, bringing a boundary,
Speaker 1: it's not okay to hit when we're mad, I'm going
Speaker 1: to move baby to keep her safe, or I'm going
Speaker 1: to move my body to keep everyone safe. And then
Speaker 1: later at a calm time when their brains can actually
Speaker 1: take in information, because just like us as adults, when
Speaker 1: we are highly emotional, nothing's coming in. It's just how
Speaker 1: your brain works. You can't talk, you can't reason, use logic,
Speaker 1: think learn. So then when they're calm, we want to
Speaker 1: revisit and say, oh, you are so mad when the
Speaker 1: baby knocked over your blocks. I get it. That is
Speaker 1: so frustrating. What can we do next time instead of
Speaker 1: pushing her? And that's where we start to teach and
Speaker 1: practice the coping skills. We often see or think that
Speaker 1: when a toddler or when a kid does something bad,
Speaker 1: that that warrants a bad response, a big punishment, a
Speaker 1: big reaction, even if it's not a time out. Perhaps
Speaker 1: we want to walk over, grab their arms and look
Speaker 1: hum in the eyes and go no, no hitting. And
Speaker 1: it's actually the opposite because a what is in post
Speaker 1: control layman strums that means hitting. It's like angry, Oh
Speaker 1: hit right, that's normal for toddlers. First of all that perspective,
Speaker 1: and then knowing that our toddlers especially, but all kids
Speaker 1: are desperate and I love our attention. They love it.
Speaker 1: Their dream is for us when we're washing the dishes
Speaker 1: pop up up and they hit their baby sister. Their
Speaker 1: dream scenario is we turn off the water, we walk
Speaker 1: over to them, we give them attention and look really like,
Speaker 1: look in them in the eyes, and now we're focused
Speaker 1: on them, even if it's negative attention. Now they've thought, oh, okay,
Speaker 1: I know how to get mommy to come over here
Speaker 1: and pay attention to me. And so, like Dina said,
Speaker 1: staying incredibly calm and having that perspective, Hey, toddler's hit,
Speaker 1: Let's try to teach them to not hit in the future. Right,
Speaker 1: this is what we're gonna work on. Calm, cool, It's
Speaker 1: okay to feel angry because it is contain them in
Speaker 1: that moment. Is the only goal in that moment is
Speaker 1: to keep everyone's safe. I'm keeping everyone safe now and
Speaker 1: then teaching those coping skills. And so that brings us
Speaker 1: to tantrums naturally, because when there are so many triggers
Speaker 1: of tantrums that if we start to identify, we can
Speaker 1: prevent some of them, not all of them. Some of
Speaker 1: them are completely necessary. Part of you know, toddler behavior happens,
Speaker 1: and you know, you can't prevent all tantrums, but you
Speaker 1: can prevent them. And one of the ways to do that,
Speaker 1: I would say, is paying attention before now. You can't
Speaker 1: always obviously, parents sometimes don't realize that that negative attention
Speaker 1: is better than no attention. As you said, um, and
Speaker 1: when you say on your phone, you're not paying attention
Speaker 1: in the store. Well, what happens the kid wants some attention,
Speaker 1: They're going to scream for it. That's part of it, right,
Speaker 1: It's true. Yeah, and you well, what would the other
Speaker 1: triggers you would say? I would say one that I
Speaker 1: think we lose track of is are we kind of
Speaker 1: dictating ish all day long? Are we like no, no, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: this way, this way, this way, this way, this way,
Speaker 1: this way. A great way to prevent a tantrum is,
Speaker 1: like we were saying, to making those big adult decisions, right,
Speaker 1: it's time for bedtime, it's time for potty, it's this.
Speaker 1: But making your toddler feel involved and in control of
Speaker 1: the situation. Giving them they love power age appropriate power, though,
Speaker 1: is the key, right. And so I can't tell you
Speaker 1: how many times that if that checklist is truly there,
Speaker 1: I can't tell you how many tantrums we can avoid
Speaker 1: by making our kids feel involved. Right, If you're barking
Speaker 1: at them and it's like you're not going fast enough
Speaker 1: get your shoes on right now, we're heightened and they're
Speaker 1: gonna heighten and we're gonna explode. If we say, hey,
Speaker 1: it's time for shoes now, how fast can you go?
Speaker 1: Could you get blue shoes or red shoes. You choose,
Speaker 1: do you like? Yeah? I like that choice. And giving
Speaker 1: them a little bit of age appropriate power is key
Speaker 1: before anything, we're to even go south. And a circle
Speaker 1: back on what you were saying before too, which is
Speaker 1: like any time we see an uptick in unwanted behavior,
Speaker 1: we can almost fill up their attention tank proactively in
Speaker 1: a positive way. And we call this the ten minute miracle.
Speaker 1: So carve out ten minutes a day, every day something
Speaker 1: they can count on. Give it a special name. Maybe
Speaker 1: you know my baby's hunter. It's mama hunter time, and
Speaker 1: he's going to get to pick what activity we do.
Speaker 1: I put my phone down, there's no siblings. He gets
Speaker 1: my full attention, no teaching, no correcting him, and he
Speaker 1: can just soak up my love and attention. And a
Speaker 1: lot of times, when we do this consistently, you will
Speaker 1: start to see a change in behavior. You'll see the
Speaker 1: hitting kind of mellow out, whatever it is. And this
Speaker 1: is especially helpful if there have been you know, like
Speaker 1: big life changes like new baby in the house or
Speaker 1: you know you're moving. You know, even I sometimes will
Speaker 1: forget how powerful this really is. And that's because people
Speaker 1: are like well, I'm with my kid all day long, Like, no,
Speaker 1: absolutely not. This isn't gonna work. It is so different.
Speaker 1: And this works for spouses too. By the way, I
Speaker 1: always like to use this analogy of I don't know
Speaker 1: about you, but after my kids go to bed, we're
Speaker 1: on Netflix, we're on our phones, were scrolling, and we
Speaker 1: haven't actually like communicated or looked at each other or
Speaker 1: felt connected at all. And they keep happening, right, So
Speaker 1: that happens at least in my house as as a
Speaker 1: prior stay at home mom. And now to we're shuffling,
Speaker 1: we're doing dishes, baby needs this, baby does that ten
Speaker 1: minutes literally of just there's no siblings, there's no one
Speaker 1: else in the world. It is so different. I can't
Speaker 1: even tell you how different that special ten minute time is.
Speaker 1: And it's kind of cool for us parents too. It's
Speaker 1: like we're not fighting. Nobody is like struggling against me.
Speaker 1: It's just like you pick what we're doing and let's
Speaker 1: have this time. It's it's a game changer, it really is.
Speaker 1: Even sometimes a hug, a cuddle, even when a tantrum
Speaker 1: starting to happen. And this goes for relationships too. If
Speaker 1: you have touched. Then you melt down all of these
Speaker 1: angry feelings, not all of them, but you can. It's
Speaker 1: a potential to melt away some of those feelings. It
Speaker 1: doesn't necessarily work every kid every time, but it can work.
Speaker 1: And you know what, we like to even say offering
Speaker 1: a hug. Right even the other day, I was really upset.
Speaker 1: I was crying a lot, and I typically don't like
Speaker 1: to be touched. And that's the same with our kids.
Speaker 1: My my youngest does not like touch She's just like me,
Speaker 1: and that's okay, but I always offer it and I'm
Speaker 1: I'm here if you need me, and it's okay to
Speaker 1: be sad. The key Adina and christ and are making
Speaker 1: is don't be a cave mom. You don't cave. Instead,
Speaker 1: you set these expectations and you follow through as much
Speaker 1: as you possibly can. And you know what, I used
Speaker 1: to think that that was like for the well being
Speaker 1: of long term in thirty years and you know, funk
Speaker 1: that I need to have this crying stop now what
Speaker 1: I found as now being a mom of two childlers,
Speaker 1: I will tell you as hard as it is in
Speaker 1: that moment, it is I can speak from experience ten
Speaker 1: thousand times harder in your day to day life when
Speaker 1: you're just giving in because it is chaos and they
Speaker 1: are screaming and they are demanding and you are screaming
Speaker 1: and back and forth. And so my main motivation in
Speaker 1: these moments is, yes, this moment is hard, but this
Speaker 1: moment will last two minutes. Like today, Okay, we're testing
Speaker 1: on the car seat battle. If I do this now
Speaker 1: and I let her run around the car and go
Speaker 1: back and forth and okay, please, okay, this, okay, that, Okay,
Speaker 1: the five more minutes. I know that every day and
Speaker 1: every time we want to get in a car seat,
Speaker 1: until I rein it in and decide to it will
Speaker 1: be chaos and a nightmare. And so my main motivation is, yes,
Speaker 1: it's hard in these two minutes or three minutes or
Speaker 1: four minutes, but overall, your whole life and your whole
Speaker 1: day to day life is so much calmer, more manageable.
Speaker 1: That's the motivation for me. That's going to be my
Speaker 1: motivation to exactly exactly. We're all set and we're going
Speaker 1: to check back in with you tomorrow, Emma. So, not surprisingly,
Speaker 1: Emma is not alone. There are many menu moms of
Speaker 1: toddlers at what to expect, and they brought with them
Speaker 1: all of their questions, you know, even beyond the temper
Speaker 1: tantums and the biting and the hitting. One of course
Speaker 1: that you here every day is about picky eaters. And
Speaker 1: these moms are wondering, how do you negotiate a balanced
Speaker 1: die with a toddler who doesn't want to eat in anything? Yeah, well,
Speaker 1: I love this question because the answer is you don't.
Speaker 1: You don't negotiate with a toddler in general, in general, right,
Speaker 1: you don't. And and that doesn't mean you don't let
Speaker 1: them have feedback, because, like what we've learned is it
Speaker 1: goes back to the same things. We are calm, confident leaders.
Speaker 1: We decide when we're eating, We decide what is on
Speaker 1: the menu, and perhaps we want to give them a
Speaker 1: choice like do you want the purple plate or the
Speaker 1: pink plate? Do you want this or do you want that?
Speaker 1: And what we like to do is always include one
Speaker 1: safe food, especially for picky eaters already okay, because if
Speaker 1: you put a plate in front of them. And my
Speaker 1: kids are great eaters, I mean, but great is a
Speaker 1: relative term. My kids like to eat a lot of
Speaker 1: stuff because I've done a lot of these strategies. So
Speaker 1: they'll eat sushi, they'll eat asparagus, they'll do this. But
Speaker 1: if that sushi is different than the sushi that they like,
Speaker 1: they're not gonna eat it. They're gonna pitch a fit
Speaker 1: if the asparagus is different. So it all is just
Speaker 1: a toddler thing of when there is one safe food,
Speaker 1: they feel safe to explore those other foods, and you,
Speaker 1: as a parent, feel confident, calm, and you're not going
Speaker 1: to negotiate because you know there is one food on
Speaker 1: their plate that they like. So let's say it's blueberries.
Speaker 1: You know they're not going to starve. I see a
Speaker 1: lot of parents try to do the negotiating or the pleading,
Speaker 1: or the airplane or that this or that, or go
Speaker 1: back and forth and oh you don't like the blue
Speaker 1: but okay, I'll get you something else. We know they
Speaker 1: like blueberries. It's on their plate. They're not going to start.
Speaker 1: They can always have the blueberries. And when you put
Speaker 1: that plate down and they say, oh yucky, you say
Speaker 1: that's okay, you don't have to eat it. There is
Speaker 1: no pressure. There are so many studies that Diana and
Speaker 1: I just rifle through that are increased pressure leads directly
Speaker 1: to picky eating. So parents strategies they think that what
Speaker 1: they're doing is helping the begging and the pleading or
Speaker 1: following them around or they sort of that, and you're
Speaker 1: directly leading to picky eating. And when you do at
Speaker 1: no pressure approach, we call it play it cool and
Speaker 1: you put it down and that's like, this is your food,
Speaker 1: this is what we're having today, this is what's on
Speaker 1: the menu. Knowing there's a safe food that is the
Speaker 1: best strategy. And then you just back off. You just
Speaker 1: relaxed and you tell them listen to your body. That's okay.
Speaker 1: That's it. It's that simple. Yeah, it's not like when
Speaker 1: you're in a restaurant the waiters like standing over you
Speaker 1: saying one more bite, just one more bite. Can you
Speaker 1: imagine even when my husband does that, when he's like,
Speaker 1: you're gonna love this. I know it. I know you're
Speaker 1: like this, and I'm like, I don't feel like eating
Speaker 1: this right now. I'm not going to try it, Like
Speaker 1: I don't want to. He's like, well, you never know,
Speaker 1: because you even tried allives in two years, you should
Speaker 1: try all I'm like, I don't want an olive, right
Speaker 1: but you know, it literally makes sense that we're staring
Speaker 1: somebody in the face and being like one more bite.
Speaker 1: Of course it would be like I'm all done, Like
Speaker 1: I don't want this anymore. I'm done. I don't want
Speaker 1: to eat if you're staring at me exactly. And I
Speaker 1: think it's also you said how many times you know
Speaker 1: they eat? That's your decision and what they eat, but
Speaker 1: also are they eat. They should be eating sitting down
Speaker 1: and not like eating on the run, because you know,
Speaker 1: meal time is something that takes place in a set
Speaker 1: of position. It's much safer, but it's also socially acceptable
Speaker 1: place to eat, and it builds the foundation for good,
Speaker 1: healthy eating habits. And it's not surprising that toddlers resist
Speaker 1: high chairs because they don't like being cooped up, you know,
Speaker 1: baby's love. That's like the highlight of their day is
Speaker 1: trying new foods. And then they turn toddlers and game changer. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and you know it's actually a part of like the
Speaker 1: evolutionary process is that if a toddler was in the
Speaker 1: wild and they see something new, this is something that's
Speaker 1: going to keep them safe because they're like, oh, is
Speaker 1: this poisonous? Is this not so coming? At it. This
Speaker 1: is literally what they're supposed to do. They're supposed to
Speaker 1: question anything new on their plate. Research shows it can
Speaker 1: take up to a hundred exposures of something new. So
Speaker 1: it takes the pressure of a parent to be like, listen,
Speaker 1: put a safe food on a plate. Try giving them
Speaker 1: new things. And it is not your job to get
Speaker 1: them to eat. It's your job to build the plate,
Speaker 1: give a safe food, but it in front of them,
Speaker 1: and then you did your job. Then you let go.
Speaker 1: There's nothing else for you to do. Exactly. We decide
Speaker 1: what's on the menu, and they decide how much goes
Speaker 1: in their body. Exactly. Okay, let's say bed time. How
Speaker 1: do we make bed time not a nightmare? Yeah? Well,
Speaker 1: one thing they can do is create a chart, a
Speaker 1: bedtime chart that's a visual aid, something they can see
Speaker 1: that lists out the steps that need to happen. So
Speaker 1: we're gonna put the words it's you know, brush your
Speaker 1: teeth and there's a picture of brushing teeth, put on
Speaker 1: your jammy's picture of jammies so that they can fall along.
Speaker 1: And then we want to give them age appropriate power
Speaker 1: here again so that they feel involved, like it's their choice.
Speaker 1: They get to put a check after each step or
Speaker 1: put a sticker on that chart after they do each step,
Speaker 1: so that we can say, okay, you brush your teeth.
Speaker 1: What's next? You tell me, and they run to the
Speaker 1: chart say okay, it's time for jammies. Let's do it.
Speaker 1: So that's one way to get them involved so that
Speaker 1: they're not in pushback mode during collaboration mode. That's awesome, Okay, bathtime.
Speaker 1: Some toddlers love bath Some toddlers don't want to get in.
Speaker 1: Some tiddlers don't want to get out. What are your thoughts? Yeah,
Speaker 1: especially with the getting out. It comes back to being
Speaker 1: that calm, confident leader. So it's a little bit trickier
Speaker 1: to get them in right, it's like a slippery wet
Speaker 1: fish over you know. But getting getting them out is
Speaker 1: an easier answer. And that is I hear you're upset,
Speaker 1: you want that more bathtime. Bathtime is all done. Now,
Speaker 1: we'll do more bathtime tomorrow. And confidently holding that boundary
Speaker 1: because now we realize, okay, when mom says bath time
Speaker 1: is all done, bath time is all done. That's the
Speaker 1: same consistency every night. We're always getting out at the
Speaker 1: same time. That's an easier one. The resisting bath time
Speaker 1: is pretty tough because it's it's hygiene. You gotta do it.
Speaker 1: It's non negotiable. Um, what we don't want to do is, Okay,
Speaker 1: find no bath tonight because my main motivation, yes, I
Speaker 1: want healthy kids. I want resilient kids in thirty years.
Speaker 1: But my main motivation when I'm like, oh, should I
Speaker 1: just should I just skip bathtige tonight and I'm like, Nope,
Speaker 1: it's gonna be a fresh nightmare for the next thirty
Speaker 1: sixty ninety days. I Am not going to do that.
Speaker 1: What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna I'm gonna tackle
Speaker 1: this today. I mean, I have to do it tonight.
Speaker 1: I know, girl, Oh you're gonna need to text me.
Speaker 1: I'm like your support, your like your sponsor. I would
Speaker 1: get creative. I mean, at first, right, what we're trying
Speaker 1: to overcome is this this cycle that now we have
Speaker 1: gotten ourselves into. And so my recommendation at first would
Speaker 1: be whatever fun thing we need to do at first
Speaker 1: to break this cycle. And also then it is non
Speaker 1: negotiable too. But if we can make it fun in
Speaker 1: that process and it becomes habit every single day, then
Speaker 1: you know we don't have to keep upping the antie
Speaker 1: of like what comes to my mind is like popsical
Speaker 1: batho or like my kids I do like um, it's
Speaker 1: really subtle and very weird, but it's not that weird.
Speaker 1: But baking soda is actually very helpful for diaper rash,
Speaker 1: and so I used to put it in babies bathtime.
Speaker 1: Now we call it snow. So sometimes when we have
Speaker 1: bathtime struggles, I'll put the snow on the lid of
Speaker 1: the bathtub. You could even put like food coloring in it, whatever,
Speaker 1: and I would try to keep it fun, like something
Speaker 1: novel and fun, just to get over this hump. Now
Speaker 1: we don't need to keep upping the antie and have
Speaker 1: popsicles forever. But it's getting over this like battle hump
Speaker 1: to get there. That okay, And now it's a habit.
Speaker 1: We have bathtime every day. We're not getting in like
Speaker 1: ever again. Making it if it fun is one thing,
Speaker 1: But when you you get into the bribery department exactly,
Speaker 1: you start to become on like a rewards treadmill. You
Speaker 1: gotta up. It's got to be exciting and fun to
Speaker 1: keep them interested. Just my get fun, okay. Separation, anxiety
Speaker 1: is real. Um, Emma was human cling wrap. I still
Speaker 1: have it. So what would be your best advice for
Speaker 1: you know, mom wants to leave the building too. Yeah,
Speaker 1: So this is all about prepping them beforehand. We want
Speaker 1: them to understand what's going to happen, who's gonna be
Speaker 1: there when you're going to return. Because again, our toddlers
Speaker 1: will feel safest when they know what to expect. Uncertainty,
Speaker 1: terrifying chaos. Knowing what to expect much better, much calmer.
Speaker 1: So if we're gonna be going to the grocery store,
Speaker 1: whatever it is, we're gonna let them know. Okay, Mommy
Speaker 1: is going to go to the grocery store. Grandma is
Speaker 1: gonna be here with you. You're going to play with her.
Speaker 1: You're gonna have lunch, and when you wake up from
Speaker 1: your nap after lunch, mommy is going to be home
Speaker 1: to give you hugs and kisses. Okay, go play and
Speaker 1: how fun. And one thing that we really want to
Speaker 1: emphasize is that when it's time to actually say goodbye,
Speaker 1: we don't want to linger, we don't want to hesitate,
Speaker 1: we don't want to give you know, like come back, okay,
Speaker 1: bye bye. They're upset and we walk away, but then
Speaker 1: we come back because they're upset. Now we're giving them
Speaker 1: the message that, oh, maybe I'm not safe because mom
Speaker 1: keeps leaving but she comes back. Oh is there day here?
Speaker 1: There's got to be something to worry about exactly. And
Speaker 1: it's not like you don't have to do these long,
Speaker 1: dramatic goodbyes. Yeah, we want to keep it quick and
Speaker 1: brief and loving, by the way, and then they know
Speaker 1: it's it's almost like the test the first time you
Speaker 1: do it. Okay, I love you, bye bye, love you
Speaker 1: so much. They're they're upset, they're crying, and we still
Speaker 1: leave very confidently, and hopefully the caregiver, by the way,
Speaker 1: knows to say things like it's okay to be upset.
Speaker 1: You're sad that mommy's gone. Mommy will be back after lunchtime.
Speaker 1: You know, they're not kind of doing the thing like
Speaker 1: oh look at this, Oh bub bla blah blah blah
Speaker 1: blah blable. We wanna let them know, I see you're upset,
Speaker 1: It's okay to be upset, that kind of a thing,
Speaker 1: but yeah, keeping it brief and by the way, I
Speaker 1: mean daycare workers, preschool workers. We've talked to so many
Speaker 1: of them about this, and we actually have a section
Speaker 1: on this in our course because it's so nerve wracking
Speaker 1: for parents and you feel horrible guilt, horrible guilt. So
Speaker 1: when we were talking with teachers and preschool workers, that
Speaker 1: is their go to. Is the longer you're lingering, the
Speaker 1: sort of more heart wrenching it is, and the more
Speaker 1: it causes that feeling of like, what's wrong. Why isn't
Speaker 1: she leaving? I don't understand is something wrong? And they
Speaker 1: can't settle in until you leave exactly. They need your permission,
Speaker 1: So you need to leave so they can start, you know,
Speaker 1: their day, And then to really build that security when
Speaker 1: it's all over, when you're back from the market, when
Speaker 1: you picked them up from you know, preschool, you're gonna
Speaker 1: tell the story of what happened. You were crying, you
Speaker 1: were upset, remember, you were so nervous, and you did it.
Speaker 1: You were safe, and I came back to get you,
Speaker 1: and I will always come back to get you the
Speaker 1: next day or like after preschool, whatever it is. So
Speaker 1: just telling that story can kind of like build that security.
Speaker 1: And a little pro tip if it's something like preschool,
Speaker 1: give them something to hold onto, like a little special
Speaker 1: thing when they miss you. They can touch it, they
Speaker 1: can look at it. Remember we do little hearts on
Speaker 1: on hands sometimes if that happened, so drawing a little
Speaker 1: heart and you're like a little kiss. So it's like
Speaker 1: so like if you miss mommy, you can give a kiss,
Speaker 1: and then it seems to really work. They really look
Speaker 1: at it and they're like okay, mommy, and then they
Speaker 1: can kind of go about their day. Consistency is so
Speaker 1: important in having that consistent goodbye, even if it's to
Speaker 1: see you later, alligator, whatever it is that you say,
Speaker 1: say consistently because that means mommy's leaving, she's coming back.
Speaker 1: Have the same thing when you return, so that they
Speaker 1: feel safe and secure. Oh my god, we could talk
Speaker 1: to you guys all day. So where can Emma and
Speaker 1: other desperate parents find you. We are on Instagram, We're
Speaker 1: on their every day so at Big Little Feelings. We're
Speaker 1: also on Facebook. Um we post every single day and stories,
Speaker 1: tutorials and helpful tips, and then we also have our
Speaker 1: toddler course. It's called Winning the Toddler Stage. So it
Speaker 1: is we really trying to make it everything that I,
Speaker 1: even as a mom, have ever personally faced. So eating, bedtime, siblings, tantoms, discipline.
Speaker 1: We wanted it all in one place so that you
Speaker 1: can find it. Big Little Feelings dot com. That's great
Speaker 1: to know. I'll be right there. Thank you so much,
Speaker 1: Dean and Kristin. Thank you so much for having us
Speaker 1: so fun. Yeah, thank you. And I'm going to text
Speaker 1: you tomorrow girl. Okay, baby love, baby love. I need you, Oh, hell,
Speaker 1: I need you. Thanks for listening. Remember, I'm always here
Speaker 1: for you. What to Expect is always here for you.
Speaker 1: We're all in this together. For more on what you
Speaker 1: heard on today's episode, visit what to Expect dot com
Speaker 1: slash podcast. You can also check out What to Expect
Speaker 1: when You're Expecting, What to Expect the First Year, and
Speaker 1: the What to Expect app. And we want to hear
Speaker 1: from you. Connect with us on our community message board
Speaker 1: or on our social media. You can find me at
Speaker 1: Heidi Murkoff and Emma at Emma Being w t E
Speaker 1: and of course at What to Expect. Baby Love is
Speaker 1: performed by Riley Biterer. What to Expect is a production
Speaker 1: of I Heart Radio. From more shows from I heart Radio,
Speaker 1: check out the I heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or
Speaker 1: wherever you listen to your favorite shows. In my arms?
Speaker 1: What on? Just stay Nija nieda baby, baby,