WEBVTT - Asexual and Sexual Feat. Ev’Yan Whitney 0:00:00.320 --> 0:00:02.960 Yo. I am so excited that we're speaking at Podcast 0:00:03.040 --> 0:00:06.000 Movement for the third time, but this time it's Podcast 0:00:06.040 --> 0:00:09.440 Evolutions in our city, Las Angeles. 0:00:09.720 --> 0:00:12.639 And not only are we speaking at the conference, but 0:00:12.840 --> 0:00:16.959 we are teaming up with Spreaker, our podcasting network, to 0:00:17.000 --> 0:00:21.079 put on a very special mixer for female podcasters. 0:00:21.160 --> 0:00:22.759 The podcast industry is. 0:00:22.720 --> 0:00:25.279 So male dominated and we wanted to do something a 0:00:25.320 --> 0:00:28.280 little bit special for the female podcasters. 0:00:28.520 --> 0:00:31.160 That's right. The goal of our mixer is to empower 0:00:31.160 --> 0:00:34.120 and connect you with other inspiring women in podcasting. So 0:00:34.200 --> 0:00:36.519 whether you are starting a podcast, whether you already have 0:00:36.560 --> 0:00:39.239 a podcast, this is the perfect place to mingle and 0:00:39.280 --> 0:00:42.320 meet people in your industry. We're going to have drinks 0:00:42.440 --> 0:00:45.279 and we're gonna be kicking it answering all your questions. 0:00:45.640 --> 0:00:49.640 This is the time to get all that free info, girl, 0:00:50.120 --> 0:00:52.200 So make sure you click the link in our bio 0:00:52.400 --> 0:00:56.080 to our SVP for the event our March twenty third. 0:00:56.200 --> 0:01:02.680 That's March twenty third, Downtown, LA. We'll see soon. If 0:01:02.720 --> 0:01:05.720 you're a newly single mom, maybe you're divorce struggling, trying 0:01:05.720 --> 0:01:07.440 to figure out what you want to do with your life. 0:01:07.959 --> 0:01:11.240 This book by Christine Michelle Carter has changed my life. 0:01:11.280 --> 0:01:15.360 It's called MOMAF and Christine really dives in and shares 0:01:15.400 --> 0:01:19.080 her story about starting over, rebuilding her life, and choosing 0:01:19.080 --> 0:01:21.479 herself despite the odds being against her. 0:01:21.760 --> 0:01:26.960 MOMAF is real, raw, hilarious, and it's relatable. And you know, 0:01:27.040 --> 0:01:31.440 at Good Moms we love a real transparent story. Christine 0:01:31.440 --> 0:01:35.440 Michelle Carter is not only transparent, but she's inspiring in 0:01:35.480 --> 0:01:38.000 this book. I've read it over and over again. I 0:01:38.080 --> 0:01:40.640 love it and I suggest you read it too. It's 0:01:40.640 --> 0:01:42.959 for moms who are going through divorce, it's for moms 0:01:43.000 --> 0:01:46.600 who are struggling. It's for moms just need a good read. 0:01:46.720 --> 0:01:49.160 This is a great read and we highly recommend it. 0:01:49.360 --> 0:01:51.760 So make sure you check out mom AF today by 0:01:51.800 --> 0:01:57.520 visiting Christinemichelle Carter dot com backslash mom dash AF. I'm 0:01:57.520 --> 0:02:00.520 going to leave everything here in the episode description. Make 0:02:00.560 --> 0:02:13.280 sure you check out MOMY. 0:02:18.280 --> 0:02:20.080 Welcome back to Good Mom's Bad Choices. 0:02:20.280 --> 0:02:23.320 I'm Erica and I'm Nila and Happy. 0:02:23.080 --> 0:02:26.280 Wednesday, Happy hump Day, my love. How are you? 0:02:26.440 --> 0:02:27.440 I'm great? How are you? 0:02:27.800 --> 0:02:31.680 I'm good as tired, but I'm happy and you know, 0:02:32.360 --> 0:02:33.760 podcasting brings me joy. 0:02:34.200 --> 0:02:37.280 I just realized that the music is on. Sorry, I'm 0:02:37.280 --> 0:02:37.880 gonna turn it. 0:02:37.840 --> 0:02:41.120 Off with smooth jazz. Yeah, I feel like it's such 0:02:41.120 --> 0:02:43.160 a fucking adult. I'm like, I'm not. 0:02:43.960 --> 0:02:46.880 It's not smooth jazz. It's low fi cafe. 0:02:47.240 --> 0:02:48.120 It's smooth jazz. 0:02:48.240 --> 0:02:49.919 It's smooth jazz for our generation. 0:02:50.480 --> 0:02:52.760 It's low Every time I'm in my house cleaning, I'm like, 0:02:52.800 --> 0:02:55.400 oh my god, I'm such an adult listening to smooth jazz. 0:02:56.600 --> 0:02:59.960 It does feel very mature, doesn't it. I've got it. Actually, 0:03:00.200 --> 0:03:02.720 you know, this week, I am feeling very mature, feeling 0:03:02.880 --> 0:03:04.160 very like adult. 0:03:03.880 --> 0:03:05.200 Like like we have Is that what we were in 0:03:05.200 --> 0:03:05.720 those glasses? 0:03:05.800 --> 0:03:05.960 Yes? 0:03:06.000 --> 0:03:08.440 See, like like these classes, this is my adult. Look. 0:03:09.120 --> 0:03:10.960 We had a call with our bookkeeper. 0:03:11.680 --> 0:03:14.560 We have a bookkeeper, my accountant, So I have to 0:03:14.560 --> 0:03:15.800 call you back of a called maccnton. 0:03:15.880 --> 0:03:17.360 We filed our taxes on time. 0:03:17.760 --> 0:03:19.639 Someone filed them for us. That's the only reason they're 0:03:19.639 --> 0:03:20.200 on time, for. 0:03:20.240 --> 0:03:21.919 Someone who went through all of our finances and told 0:03:21.960 --> 0:03:23.640 us that we're doing good. We're bitch, we're doing a 0:03:23.639 --> 0:03:24.080 good job. 0:03:24.120 --> 0:03:25.639 Bitch, we're doing a good job. 0:03:25.680 --> 0:03:27.480 This is the most adult I've felt in my whole 0:03:27.560 --> 0:03:30.120 thirty three years of existence. I've been like having to 0:03:30.160 --> 0:03:33.000 pinch myself and tell myself, you're an adult. You're doing it, 0:03:33.040 --> 0:03:37.200 You're doing a good job. Your mom. I'm like, every 0:03:37.240 --> 0:03:39.560 time I forget, I'm like, I can't believe it. I 0:03:39.600 --> 0:03:40.880 was just a teenager yesterday. 0:03:41.120 --> 0:03:44.320 I know me too. So yeah, I'm feeling I'm stepping 0:03:44.360 --> 0:03:47.760 into my adult bag this week. We're going to New 0:03:47.840 --> 0:03:51.480 York this week. I'm bringing my kid and I'm going 0:03:51.520 --> 0:03:55.200 to do it mature mom things and business things. I'm 0:03:55.200 --> 0:03:56.800 bringing my kid on the work trip. 0:03:56.920 --> 0:03:57.880 We're going to meetings. 0:03:58.280 --> 0:04:00.240 Erica today was like, I wish we just had more 0:04:00.280 --> 0:04:02.360 meetings to go to. I'm like, who are we meeting? 0:04:02.920 --> 0:04:04.760 You're like, I don't know, like meetings at New York. 0:04:04.880 --> 0:04:06.480 I was like, we'll make them happen, make them meeting. 0:04:08.280 --> 0:04:10.240 No wonder, you're feeling adult like, that's why, because you 0:04:10.240 --> 0:04:11.000 want to have meetings. 0:04:11.040 --> 0:04:12.800 We're gonna get those meetings. But right now, I'm gonna 0:04:13.280 --> 0:04:15.640 the last thing we do with those glasses. We're like, 0:04:15.640 --> 0:04:18.960 gu's why we got a meeting. Can't wait? She's like, yeah, 0:04:18.960 --> 0:04:22.040 maybe MTV. This is literally what she said. I'm like, 0:04:22.080 --> 0:04:23.840 do you know some what over there? No? 0:04:23.839 --> 0:04:25.920 Nope, nope, I'm just gonna put it out there. 0:04:26.240 --> 0:04:27.559 MTV were coming for our meetings. 0:04:27.560 --> 0:04:29.599 I don't know what for what, but we're gonna be there. 0:04:30.080 --> 0:04:30.240 You know. 0:04:30.440 --> 0:04:33.400 I think I've been watching Kanye West's documentary and it's 0:04:33.400 --> 0:04:37.120 been throwing me back to like EMPTYV two thousands, Yeah, 0:04:37.160 --> 0:04:40.240 because he was like breaking news Empty Remember Breaking News MTV? 0:04:40.520 --> 0:04:41.600 Yeah, TRL or whatever. 0:04:41.600 --> 0:04:43.520 It just like had like the like those like lights 0:04:43.560 --> 0:04:45.280 and it was like the solar system and then it's 0:04:45.279 --> 0:04:48.760 like being behind the person and it's like Kanye West 0:04:48.880 --> 0:04:50.440 producer just got in a car accident. I was like, 0:04:50.440 --> 0:04:51.640 oh my god, I remember that. 0:04:51.760 --> 0:04:53.880 Wow, my god. I didn't watch it just for that, 0:04:54.040 --> 0:04:55.760 just for the fucking just throwback. 0:04:55.839 --> 0:04:59.039 It's a throwback. It makes me feel old. Actually, I'm like, 0:04:59.160 --> 0:05:01.840 WHOA was this that long ago? It doesn't feel like it, 0:05:01.880 --> 0:05:02.599 but it was the wire. 0:05:02.680 --> 0:05:04.720 It was a while ago when he was like normal 0:05:04.800 --> 0:05:08.080 and cool and made regular music and it wasn't fucking stressful. 0:05:08.320 --> 0:05:10.320 I love him, I do love him. 0:05:10.480 --> 0:05:13.640 I just prefer his music from before before Black Skinhead, 0:05:13.640 --> 0:05:14.400 when I was like. 0:05:14.480 --> 0:05:16.720 I still like his music. I don't like his opinions 0:05:16.760 --> 0:05:18.119 all the time, but I still like his music. 0:05:18.240 --> 0:05:18.920 I like some of it. 0:05:19.080 --> 0:05:21.279 I think he's just ridiculous, but I love him. 0:05:21.320 --> 0:05:25.520 My baby daddy has made me like grow did not 0:05:25.600 --> 0:05:27.680 like Kanye because he just loves him so much. It 0:05:27.720 --> 0:05:30.120 was overkill for so many years of my life that 0:05:30.320 --> 0:05:32.040 it's not you, Kanye, it's my baby daddy. 0:05:32.640 --> 0:05:34.520 So it did make me sad for him though, because 0:05:34.560 --> 0:05:37.680 he was he was He was so like, he really 0:05:37.680 --> 0:05:40.080 needs his mom. We all need our mom now, he 0:05:40.160 --> 0:05:42.039 specifically really needs Donda. 0:05:42.160 --> 0:05:43.560 You called me, You text me that. 0:05:43.640 --> 0:05:45.120 I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? 0:05:45.240 --> 0:05:47.960 Erica text me out of nowhere? Kanye needs Donda. 0:05:48.120 --> 0:05:51.080 I was like, who, what the fuck are you talking about? 0:05:51.520 --> 0:05:52.640 He does? Watch it. 0:05:52.680 --> 0:05:53.240 I'm telling you. 0:05:53.279 --> 0:05:54.720 If you've watched it, you know what the fuck I'm 0:05:54.720 --> 0:05:55.120 talking about. 0:05:55.200 --> 0:05:55.800 I'm gonna watch it. 0:05:55.839 --> 0:05:56.120 I you know what. 0:05:56.120 --> 0:05:56.800 I was just thinking. 0:05:57.040 --> 0:05:59.160 Someone was like, yeah, his friend was just like following 0:05:59.200 --> 0:06:00.920 him with a camera for ever, and I was like, 0:06:01.200 --> 0:06:02.760 our vlog is going to make it the are you 0:06:03.120 --> 0:06:03.880 Hollywood East? 0:06:04.080 --> 0:06:06.400 One day someone will see these blogs. One day someone's 0:06:06.400 --> 0:06:07.599 gonna see all these videos on my phone. 0:06:07.600 --> 0:06:09.880 I swear to god, Conye did it. We could do 0:06:09.920 --> 0:06:12.800 it too. These videos are going to get publicated one day. 0:06:13.120 --> 0:06:17.960 Yeah, But anyway, Hello, Hi, Hi, we have a special guest. 0:06:18.000 --> 0:06:19.560 You guys, if you might have heard her giggling in 0:06:19.560 --> 0:06:20.919 the background, was. 0:06:20.920 --> 0:06:22.159 I not supposed to get No? 0:06:22.160 --> 0:06:24.839 No, no, no, it's fine. 0:06:25.160 --> 0:06:27.200 Let us rant for that long about nothing. 0:06:29.480 --> 0:06:33.320 We have special guests. We have Ebon Whitney here, a 0:06:33.400 --> 0:06:38.039 sexuality duless sex educator author. I've been like following you 0:06:38.080 --> 0:06:40.240 for a very long time. Oh yeah, so strange, kind 0:06:40.240 --> 0:06:43.520 of creepy, right, that's cool. So I know you. 0:06:43.520 --> 0:06:44.600 You don't know what I know you, but I do. 0:06:45.240 --> 0:06:46.919 I've been like watching your whole journey. 0:06:48.480 --> 0:06:50.200 Wait, how long have you been following me? Do you know? 0:06:50.839 --> 0:06:52.280 Probably like six years? 0:06:52.279 --> 0:06:54.640 Oh dangs, you've been through the journey. 0:06:54.960 --> 0:06:57.159 Oh g she did put me on. She said, you 0:06:57.160 --> 0:06:58.480 know this woman. I was like, no, but I like it. 0:06:58.520 --> 0:06:59.240 I'm going to stay here. 0:07:00.080 --> 0:07:01.480 Yeah. Maybe it wasn't like sick. Maybe it was like 0:07:01.560 --> 0:07:04.080 right around we started our podcast. Oh yeah, okay, yeah, 0:07:04.120 --> 0:07:06.279 you were doing like some workshops downtown or something. 0:07:06.279 --> 0:07:07.599 Oh yeah, we tried to link up with you. It 0:07:07.600 --> 0:07:08.960 was like a vagina workshop. I was like, I want 0:07:08.960 --> 0:07:09.960 to go to that vagina. 0:07:09.680 --> 0:07:11.640 Workshold out because you're booked and busy. 0:07:11.440 --> 0:07:14.200 And oh yeah, and I was like, are they actually 0:07:14.280 --> 0:07:16.760 talking to the vaginas in a circle with each other? 0:07:16.800 --> 0:07:18.880 I had a lot of questions. Now it's all coming back. 0:07:20.480 --> 0:07:21.680 Were the women pantyleists? 0:07:21.720 --> 0:07:22.960 I need to know? I need I wanted to go 0:07:23.080 --> 0:07:24.920 just to see what was going on over there? Were they? 0:07:25.840 --> 0:07:25.880 No? 0:07:26.240 --> 0:07:27.400 Okay, yeah I figured that. 0:07:27.560 --> 0:07:31.440 Yeah, but just get weird when everyone's pussy is out. 0:07:32.400 --> 0:07:33.920 I mean, I would love to do a workshop like 0:07:33.960 --> 0:07:34.520 that sometime. 0:07:34.720 --> 0:07:36.080 I'm sure those workshops exist. 0:07:36.240 --> 0:07:39.000 I'll come, I volunteer. Yeah, I'll definitely come. 0:07:38.880 --> 0:07:41.280 To Okay, good to know, sign out. 0:07:42.560 --> 0:07:43.720 Well, thank you for joining us. 0:07:43.880 --> 0:07:45.120 Yeah, thanks for having me. 0:07:46.040 --> 0:07:49.120 So this month's theme is mindfulness, and I feel like, 0:07:49.240 --> 0:07:50.760 I mean, before we get into it, I just want 0:07:50.760 --> 0:07:52.680 to say, with the famous it's mindfulness. Hello, Hi guys, 0:07:52.760 --> 0:07:54.960 you guys been listening. You know, it's mindfulness. I feel 0:07:55.000 --> 0:07:57.520 like you're a perfect guest for this because you talk 0:07:57.600 --> 0:08:01.240 so much about you know, your sensuality, and like in 0:08:01.280 --> 0:08:05.120 your journey, I've watched you really choose yourself a lot, 0:08:05.640 --> 0:08:11.720 and I think that that's so powerful and such a 0:08:11.760 --> 0:08:15.640 journey and difficult for women oftentimes. But before we get 0:08:15.680 --> 0:08:16.160 into that. 0:08:16.440 --> 0:08:18.720 I have a lot of questions. I'm so inqusitive, like 0:08:18.720 --> 0:08:19.840 I've been waiting for you to get here for a 0:08:19.880 --> 0:08:20.280 long time. 0:08:20.440 --> 0:08:21.960 Hey, well I'm happier here. 0:08:22.080 --> 0:08:24.120 I'm excited to bring on the questions. 0:08:24.320 --> 0:08:26.320 Well, I first, do you want to start with? Do 0:08:26.320 --> 0:08:28.120 you have an affirmation for our guests today? 0:08:28.400 --> 0:08:31.520 Yeah, audience, I mean the first the first thing that 0:08:31.680 --> 0:08:33.840 popped into my mind is I am at peace with 0:08:33.880 --> 0:08:34.719 my sexuality. 0:08:35.840 --> 0:08:38.160 I am at peace with my sexuality. 0:08:38.360 --> 0:08:38.920 I like that. 0:08:39.160 --> 0:08:42.040 Yeah, That's something that I've said to myself throughout my journey, 0:08:42.080 --> 0:08:44.000 so I want to offer it to other people. 0:08:44.400 --> 0:08:47.360 Do you feel like you've that's changed a lot throughout 0:08:47.360 --> 0:08:49.720 this period, Like you've gone from this to this, Like 0:08:49.720 --> 0:08:52.480 your sexuality journey I'm sure has evolved as you've evolved. 0:08:53.360 --> 0:08:55.800 We've been doing some reading and research on you. But 0:08:55.920 --> 0:08:58.000 can you tell our listeners how you started in this 0:08:58.080 --> 0:09:00.640 space and like what this journey has and how you've 0:09:00.679 --> 0:09:04.160 come about, because I don't think women have really given 0:09:04.360 --> 0:09:07.480 themselves the opportunity to explore the sensuality and sexuality and 0:09:07.520 --> 0:09:09.360 you really have, So like, how did this speakin? 0:09:09.800 --> 0:09:13.400 Yeah? I got started as a sex educator from a 0:09:13.480 --> 0:09:16.320 place of just like wanting to figure my sexuality out, 0:09:16.480 --> 0:09:19.120 like I wasn't thinking to myself, I'm going to be 0:09:19.160 --> 0:09:21.760 a sex educator. It was more like, why am I 0:09:21.800 --> 0:09:25.800 not having amazing sex? Why does sex still trigger me? 0:09:26.240 --> 0:09:29.120 And why do I still have sexual shame even though 0:09:29.280 --> 0:09:32.960 I'm in a loving relationship and there's really no reason 0:09:33.080 --> 0:09:36.199 for me to be experiencing those things. And at the time, 0:09:36.240 --> 0:09:38.920 this was like eleven years ago, there wasn't really a 0:09:38.920 --> 0:09:42.240 lot of information out there that really resonated with me. 0:09:42.400 --> 0:09:44.480 It was more like, if you have sexual shame, just 0:09:44.640 --> 0:09:48.320 fuck some more, and like that'll teach your body to 0:09:48.720 --> 0:09:51.160 not have sexual shame anymore by doing the opposite. And 0:09:51.200 --> 0:09:54.560 maybe for some people that works. It did not work 0:09:54.600 --> 0:09:58.319 for me, and I felt really frustrated that there weren't 0:09:58.320 --> 0:10:01.280 different approaches of like really down to the bottom of 0:10:01.320 --> 0:10:04.040 where that sexual shame comes from, what that sexual trauma 0:10:04.080 --> 0:10:07.199 could be, how to heal from that. And so I 0:10:07.400 --> 0:10:11.680 started just like working on myself and figuring it out, 0:10:11.720 --> 0:10:15.080 like carving out my own path to sexual healing, and 0:10:15.800 --> 0:10:17.559 I was doing it very publicly. I had a blog 0:10:17.600 --> 0:10:19.880 at the time where I was talking very publicly about 0:10:19.920 --> 0:10:23.640 all the things that I was trying and struggling with 0:10:23.720 --> 0:10:27.840 and just being very honest about my journey, and people 0:10:28.040 --> 0:10:30.319 took notice they were reading and were like, holy shit, 0:10:30.840 --> 0:10:33.160 you are speaking my story, which I didn't think. So 0:10:33.280 --> 0:10:34.959 I thought I was literally the only one that was 0:10:35.000 --> 0:10:39.800 having these sexual issues. And yeah, from there, just one 0:10:39.840 --> 0:10:41.440 thing that I say about this work is that I 0:10:41.480 --> 0:10:43.560 feel like it chose me, that I didn't choose it 0:10:43.800 --> 0:10:46.800 because I was just doing my thing, trying to figure 0:10:46.840 --> 0:10:50.640 my shit out. And I think other people found such 0:10:50.640 --> 0:10:53.560 a resonance with my story and really trusted that I 0:10:53.559 --> 0:10:56.680 could guide them into their own sexual liberation journeys because 0:10:56.720 --> 0:10:59.360 they were watching me do the very same alongside them. 0:10:59.760 --> 0:11:03.200 So yeah, I've been doing this work in so many 0:11:03.200 --> 0:11:04.680 ways since twenty eleven. 0:11:05.000 --> 0:11:06.520 So yeah, it's beautiful. 0:11:06.600 --> 0:11:09.560 I think I think a lot of women don't even recognize, 0:11:09.600 --> 0:11:12.160 Like did you come is your family religious? Did you 0:11:12.160 --> 0:11:13.439 grow up in like a religious background? 0:11:13.520 --> 0:11:16.520 Yes, so I grew up in purity culture. I couldn't 0:11:16.559 --> 0:11:20.120 really tell you this sort of denomination of Christianity we were. 0:11:20.120 --> 0:11:22.880 I would say, like it's a mix of like Evangelical, 0:11:22.920 --> 0:11:25.760 Baptist and Protestant. But I signed a purity contract when 0:11:25.800 --> 0:11:28.280 I was eight, so like that kind of gives you, yes, 0:11:28.360 --> 0:11:28.840 But it's. 0:11:28.679 --> 0:11:31.280 A purity contract for where I don't know. Okay, So 0:11:31.440 --> 0:11:33.520 a purity contract I'm them. 0:11:33.720 --> 0:11:34.080 Okay. 0:11:34.160 --> 0:11:37.160 So I wonder if people still do these, because back 0:11:37.160 --> 0:11:38.560 in the day they were all the rage. But a 0:11:38.600 --> 0:11:42.040 purity contract is a contract that you sign in your 0:11:42.120 --> 0:11:44.839 church that basically says you will not have sex until 0:11:44.840 --> 0:11:47.920 you are married, and your parents co sign it, your 0:11:48.040 --> 0:11:53.000 pastor you know, youth teacher whatever signs it, and yeah, 0:11:53.000 --> 0:11:54.040 that's what appears at eight. 0:11:54.920 --> 0:11:56.920 Do they even explain what sex is before that? 0:11:57.720 --> 0:11:59.200 No, it was like you're going to be pure and 0:11:59.200 --> 0:12:00.240 then yeah. 0:12:00.320 --> 0:12:03.440 I mean I think at the time I had sort 0:12:03.440 --> 0:12:06.880 of a faint idea of what sex was, but not really. 0:12:07.040 --> 0:12:09.360 I was like, Okay, everyone else is doing this, and 0:12:09.480 --> 0:12:12.160 apparently this is what I need to do in order 0:12:12.160 --> 0:12:14.400 for Jesus to love me and my parents to love me, 0:12:14.520 --> 0:12:15.160 so I'll do it. 0:12:15.440 --> 0:12:18.960 So that's so interesting. Our daughters are seven and like 0:12:19.080 --> 0:12:22.800 eight is approaching anytime, like very soon, and to think 0:12:22.840 --> 0:12:27.640 about like our daughters at this age signing a contract. 0:12:27.080 --> 0:12:29.480 About their bodies, it's about their sexual. 0:12:29.280 --> 0:12:31.520 It's weird, right, It's really weird. 0:12:32.040 --> 0:12:35.040 It makes me wonder who thought of this concept. 0:12:35.520 --> 0:12:36.240 Probably a man. 0:12:36.440 --> 0:12:37.400 Yeah, absolutely. 0:12:37.600 --> 0:12:38.720 Why are you even thinking of that? 0:12:38.920 --> 0:12:40.320 Yeah, probably a man. 0:12:40.200 --> 0:12:42.120 And who birth is? And then who was like that's 0:12:42.160 --> 0:12:42.840 a great idea. 0:12:44.360 --> 0:12:47.840 Yeah. Yeah. So by the way, that contract did not stick. 0:12:48.880 --> 0:12:51.000 I had sex for the first time when I was fifteen. 0:12:51.120 --> 0:12:55.600 But the roots of that, like the oppression of that has, 0:12:55.679 --> 0:12:57.600 you know, stuck with me because how could it not, 0:12:57.920 --> 0:12:58.280 you know. 0:12:58.720 --> 0:13:01.360 When you finally did have sex, not finally when you 0:13:01.360 --> 0:13:02.199 had sex. 0:13:03.440 --> 0:13:04.559 I mean finally is fine? 0:13:05.080 --> 0:13:07.120 Sure when you did have sex, did you feel guilt 0:13:07.120 --> 0:13:08.640 because of the contract that you had signed? 0:13:08.679 --> 0:13:08.880 Oh? 0:13:09.160 --> 0:13:09.400 Fuck? 0:13:09.520 --> 0:13:13.319 Yeah, I mean so this is it's such a complicated story. 0:13:13.360 --> 0:13:15.800 The first time that I had sex was actually the 0:13:15.800 --> 0:13:19.480 first time that I had sex with someone who I 0:13:19.640 --> 0:13:23.280 now know to be an abuser for me. So on 0:13:23.320 --> 0:13:25.640 the one hand, there was a lot of choice because 0:13:25.720 --> 0:13:29.160 I was like, I am fifteen, I am grown. I 0:13:29.200 --> 0:13:30.760 know my shit, this is what I want to do. 0:13:30.800 --> 0:13:33.720 We're going to get married someday. Like it was kind 0:13:33.720 --> 0:13:36.120 of along those lines. But then there was this other 0:13:36.160 --> 0:13:39.200 aspect of me of like I think there was some 0:13:39.240 --> 0:13:43.120 coercion involved. And I also because I didn't receive comprehensive 0:13:43.160 --> 0:13:46.560 sex education, it was more like abstinence only. Do not 0:13:46.679 --> 0:13:50.840 have sex. I didn't understand or wasn't taught about what 0:13:50.920 --> 0:13:55.040 a healthy sexual relationship looks like. So for me, hearing 0:13:55.040 --> 0:13:56.760 all these messages, you know, in my church and for 0:13:56.880 --> 0:14:00.400 my parents about sex's love, sex is love, sex is 0:14:00.480 --> 0:14:03.880 for marriage, I thought that if you are in love 0:14:03.920 --> 0:14:07.319 with someone, you have sex with them and that's it. 0:14:07.360 --> 0:14:11.439 Like there wasn't anything in there about consent or bodily 0:14:11.440 --> 0:14:14.120 autonomy or the pleasure of sex. It was just like 0:14:14.280 --> 0:14:16.960 sex is love, sex is for marriage, et cetera. So 0:14:17.320 --> 0:14:19.720 when I had sex, I thought I was coming from 0:14:19.800 --> 0:14:22.600 it from an informed place, but looking back now, I 0:14:22.640 --> 0:14:25.080 had no idea what the fuck I was doing. And 0:14:25.480 --> 0:14:29.760 that relationship was both liberating in the sense that I 0:14:29.880 --> 0:14:33.760 chose sort of to have sex, but also it was 0:14:34.000 --> 0:14:38.360 a violation because the power dynamic within that relationship was 0:14:38.400 --> 0:14:41.520 just not healthy. So it's it's very complicated, I mean, 0:14:41.680 --> 0:14:44.720 and I think it's that's a very important topic to 0:14:44.720 --> 0:14:48.080 touch on. Like as we're talking about kids and adolescents 0:14:48.120 --> 0:14:51.840 and sex and choice, I think that there isn't enough 0:14:51.920 --> 0:14:55.840 emphasis on for young women, Like I think we have 0:14:55.960 --> 0:14:59.240 this very rigid idea of like rape, you know, and 0:14:59.320 --> 0:15:02.760 even for us, it feels like if you use that word, 0:15:03.120 --> 0:15:07.040 it better be violent, it better be a stranger jumping 0:15:07.040 --> 0:15:07.320 out and. 0:15:09.000 --> 0:15:10.560 You and you better not use it lightly. 0:15:11.160 --> 0:15:14.240 And the reality of the matter is is like we've 0:15:14.560 --> 0:15:17.880 like we're women, first of all, we've been violated and 0:15:17.960 --> 0:15:21.080 like a lot even like hearing you discuss this is 0:15:21.720 --> 0:15:26.200 me thinking of my childhood and my sexuality and like 0:15:26.640 --> 0:15:29.080 just fucking because that's what people were doing and like 0:15:29.120 --> 0:15:31.000 I thought you were supposed to do and I wanted to, 0:15:31.120 --> 0:15:37.160 but like the coheresion, like the coherent coheresion coercion that 0:15:37.320 --> 0:15:40.800 takes place and you're not even acknowledging it as such, 0:15:41.040 --> 0:15:43.920 is such like so much to dig yourself out of 0:15:43.960 --> 0:15:48.000 an adulthood. I've been violated so many times in my 0:15:48.120 --> 0:15:52.360 life and just massage to do things I didn't want 0:15:52.400 --> 0:15:55.280 to do, and it's very rapey and like I was 0:15:55.440 --> 0:15:57.280 for a long time. I would never say those words 0:15:57.280 --> 0:16:00.440 because it's felt too intense, you know, like I wouldn't 0:16:00.480 --> 0:16:02.640 put that on that person because then they're a rapists. 0:16:02.680 --> 0:16:05.120 But like, yeah, we need to call a spade a spade, 0:16:05.880 --> 0:16:07.880 and like those are the conversations we should be having 0:16:07.880 --> 0:16:08.480 with our kids. 0:16:08.800 --> 0:16:14.160 Yeah, because that shit is real yeah, I really resonate 0:16:14.200 --> 0:16:16.400 with that. It wasn't until I was I think I 0:16:16.480 --> 0:16:20.360 was nineteen eighteen or nineteen when, funnily enough, I was 0:16:20.360 --> 0:16:23.200 talking to a guy that I was seeing at the time, 0:16:23.520 --> 0:16:26.960 and I was talking to him about my previous relationship 0:16:27.160 --> 0:16:30.800 that was just abusive, but I didn't think so. I 0:16:30.840 --> 0:16:32.800 was just like, that's what everyone does. And I was 0:16:32.800 --> 0:16:35.440 talking to him a little bit about some of the 0:16:35.440 --> 0:16:37.440 things that I was experiencing, and he was actually the 0:16:37.440 --> 0:16:40.200 one that was like, uh, what you just described as rape? 0:16:40.200 --> 0:16:42.880 And I was like, no, it wasn't because I said yes, 0:16:43.080 --> 0:16:46.240 and he's like, no, that sounds like rape. And that 0:16:46.320 --> 0:16:49.080 sent me spiraling because I was like, oh shit. This 0:16:49.160 --> 0:16:51.960 whole time, I thought that this was a loving relationship. 0:16:51.960 --> 0:16:55.400 We were together for three years. I thought that he 0:16:55.480 --> 0:16:57.320 loved me and I loved him. What the fuck does 0:16:57.360 --> 0:16:59.640 that mean? But yeah, I agree with you. I think 0:16:59.680 --> 0:17:03.360 we need to expand our understandings of what sexual trauma 0:17:03.400 --> 0:17:05.800 and sexual violation can look like, because I think a 0:17:05.840 --> 0:17:09.400 lot of folks are walking around traumatized within their sexualities 0:17:09.440 --> 0:17:12.040 and they don't even know it because they've been like, oh, no, 0:17:12.119 --> 0:17:14.879 that was normal sexual behavior. But it's like no, that 0:17:14.880 --> 0:17:19.040 that person was actually violating your boundaries and your autonomy, 0:17:19.160 --> 0:17:19.359 you know. 0:17:20.480 --> 0:17:23.399 And I think it like when that happens and women, 0:17:23.440 --> 0:17:24.919 first of all, like even if you don't grow up 0:17:25.359 --> 0:17:27.919 in a very religious background or you didn't have to 0:17:27.920 --> 0:17:30.760 sign a purity contract, there's still like a lot of 0:17:31.160 --> 0:17:34.040 confusion about our bodies and what we're supposed to do 0:17:34.280 --> 0:17:37.680 or what's acceptable, and like there's a lot of mixed 0:17:37.680 --> 0:17:41.200 messaging for young girls, and like it's confusing. You don't 0:17:41.240 --> 0:17:44.520 and it's hard to weed out your own thoughts about 0:17:44.520 --> 0:17:46.600 things versus what your friends are telling you in high 0:17:46.640 --> 0:17:48.520 school and shit, what you think you're supposed to do. 0:17:48.600 --> 0:17:50.159 You think you're in love, you think you're gonna get 0:17:50.160 --> 0:17:51.680