1 00:00:01,880 --> 00:00:05,359 Speaker 1: Wine down with Janet Kramer, and I heard radio podcast. 2 00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:17,000 Speaker 1: I told you don't read reviews. I say, don't read 3 00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:22,680 Speaker 1: I don't read reviews. But that was a big mistake 4 00:00:22,720 --> 00:00:27,000 Speaker 1: of mine. Yeah, yeah, I like to fill everyone I would. So, 5 00:00:27,240 --> 00:00:30,120 Speaker 1: you know, Caden's at basketball practice last night, and I've 6 00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:32,800 Speaker 1: gone through all my emails, gone through all the social media, 7 00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:35,080 Speaker 1: and I'm like, you know what, I haven't looked at 8 00:00:35,159 --> 00:00:38,279 Speaker 1: I haven't looked hit any of the comments minus umber 9 00:00:38,280 --> 00:00:42,360 Speaker 1: of them on Instagram about the podcast, which I'm sure 10 00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:45,160 Speaker 1: everyone knows, like this is very out of my comfort zone. 11 00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:47,919 Speaker 1: Like you know, I'm not. This isn't the easiest thing 12 00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:49,720 Speaker 1: for me. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there 13 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:52,519 Speaker 1: because I'm just curious. So I go look, and you know, 14 00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:55,520 Speaker 1: I'm reading through all the good and bad of all 15 00:00:55,560 --> 00:01:01,680 Speaker 1: of it. I'm like, Catherine has to go. And then 16 00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:04,200 Speaker 1: like another one that's I don't know, one about me 17 00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:09,000 Speaker 1: being judgmental or something, um, and then another one that 18 00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:12,640 Speaker 1: was like I'm sure in real life you're not, but 19 00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:15,520 Speaker 1: like you're her yes person on the podcast, and I'm 20 00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:19,560 Speaker 1: like what, but you know, anyway, it was bad. I 21 00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:21,600 Speaker 1: shouldn't have done it. So then last night, I was 22 00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:23,119 Speaker 1: like in a funk. I was like, these people don't 23 00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:27,080 Speaker 1: like me, right, it sucks. That sucks. I don't know 24 00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:30,920 Speaker 1: how you do it, Like I know, sucks, like you 25 00:01:30,959 --> 00:01:33,320 Speaker 1: don't get it though until it's like actually about like you, 26 00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:36,920 Speaker 1: I know, I see it for you. But then it's 27 00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:38,560 Speaker 1: like dank. So I text her last night I was like, 28 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:41,280 Speaker 1: don't yeah, don't do that. You're right, like this is 29 00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:45,880 Speaker 1: it was terrible. Well it's some Are you upset? Okay, 30 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:53,840 Speaker 1: I'm not crying. It's amazing. What how someone can say 31 00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:56,280 Speaker 1: something and just like yeah, I'm because I want to 32 00:01:56,320 --> 00:02:00,760 Speaker 1: read things. It's like full on funk mode because it sucks, 33 00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:04,440 Speaker 1: because can you wantally defend yourself to the people that 34 00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:06,280 Speaker 1: say bad things? Oh, I went to see if you 35 00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:10,799 Speaker 1: could reply. You can't reply. Reply, just make sure you 36 00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:17,799 Speaker 1: apply with not your name. I do sometimes reply on 37 00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:21,240 Speaker 1: the Instagram comments like if they have a question or 38 00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:23,400 Speaker 1: it's something like all hearted or whatever. And one of 39 00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:26,680 Speaker 1: them was on the Instagram comments like the yes person, Oh, 40 00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:30,040 Speaker 1: I was so close, but I didn't. I didn't say anything. 41 00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:33,960 Speaker 1: I just backed off. It's fine. I have a question 42 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:39,519 Speaker 1: like would you say something like would you ever leave 43 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:44,040 Speaker 1: a review. Have you left a review? I've left good reviews. 44 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:47,120 Speaker 1: You're not a bad reviewer. I'm not a bad reviewer. 45 00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:51,840 Speaker 1: Could you leave a review about a person? No? Yeah, 46 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:57,280 Speaker 1: Like I'm even thinking like old nanny's or babysitters or 47 00:02:57,280 --> 00:02:59,959 Speaker 1: old you know, teachers or old like I'm just trying 48 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:02,440 Speaker 1: to think of like I would never or even like 49 00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:05,919 Speaker 1: I would never go to Like I don't think who's 50 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:08,200 Speaker 1: like a celebrity that I would go on. I would 51 00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:10,760 Speaker 1: never leave a night like it would be like you 52 00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:13,400 Speaker 1: need to stop whining, whining, or you need to stop 53 00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:17,359 Speaker 1: oh my god, get over it. It's like who are you? Yeah, 54 00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:22,080 Speaker 1: like you, who are you to say anything? Who am 55 00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:24,519 Speaker 1: I to say? Like, I don't know what now? Again, 56 00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:28,400 Speaker 1: if you have an issue, what do you listen? Exactly? 57 00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:32,919 Speaker 1: Like its like some of them just in general, were 58 00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:34,800 Speaker 1: like you know, one star or whatever, and it's like 59 00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:36,960 Speaker 1: I've been listening from the beginning and I'm on, I'm like, 60 00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:40,440 Speaker 1: don't listen. Yeah, yeah, I don't. I don't know, but 61 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:43,160 Speaker 1: I'm sorry. I want to say I'm sorry to you 62 00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:47,280 Speaker 1: for what well, because it sucks. It sucks, you know, 63 00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:49,360 Speaker 1: and I mean again, mine was like three things and 64 00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:51,200 Speaker 1: I was like, Oh, don't ever look at that again, 65 00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:54,600 Speaker 1: you know, like, but that just sucks. It sucks that 66 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:57,800 Speaker 1: people think they have the right. And I understand it's 67 00:03:57,800 --> 00:04:01,320 Speaker 1: a review, so I'm one hand. I understand you have 68 00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:04,520 Speaker 1: every right to give a bad review if you want. 69 00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:09,160 Speaker 1: But when people start attacking your character and you know, 70 00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:12,360 Speaker 1: stop the win or whatever they're saying, like, it's just 71 00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:14,400 Speaker 1: it's just to be hurtful in my opinion, and I 72 00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:16,040 Speaker 1: just I don't like it. It It feels aky I do 73 00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:17,600 Speaker 1: at all. I don't think I could do it. I 74 00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:18,800 Speaker 1: think the only way I could do it is if 75 00:04:18,839 --> 00:04:21,200 Speaker 1: I was like helping a business or something, and I 76 00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:23,760 Speaker 1: still would have a hard time doing that, but if 77 00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:25,920 Speaker 1: it was like your business was really being run into 78 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,800 Speaker 1: the ground or something, and I felt like I was helping, 79 00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:31,600 Speaker 1: But no, not not a person. That's like my new 80 00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:34,760 Speaker 1: favorite word thousand twenty two. It feels it I think 81 00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:36,840 Speaker 1: I got it from you? Yeah, yeah, you know, I've 82 00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:38,240 Speaker 1: said it a lot, and then you're sure to do 83 00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:39,640 Speaker 1: say did I get it from her? Did she get 84 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:41,760 Speaker 1: it from me? I think that's first time I've said it. 85 00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:44,040 Speaker 1: But it does. It feels itchy because it's it's like 86 00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:50,080 Speaker 1: I mean, it's hurtful and it's and I know, you know, 87 00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:53,400 Speaker 1: we the Kardashians put themselves out there, we have put 88 00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:56,440 Speaker 1: them ourselves up. We people put in it's for criticism. 89 00:04:56,440 --> 00:05:00,120 Speaker 1: At the same time, you got to criticize, like you 90 00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:03,560 Speaker 1: you can maybe question why I've done certain things or 91 00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:05,599 Speaker 1: why you know, hey, Catherine, like do all. It's like, 92 00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:09,880 Speaker 1: but how people it's the way that people respond, I 93 00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:12,560 Speaker 1: think is what It's icky. Yeah, how they respond, And 94 00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:15,560 Speaker 1: I don't love that, Like excuse will you put yourself 95 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:18,520 Speaker 1: out there? I mean I understand it to an extent, 96 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:21,560 Speaker 1: but at the same time, like everyone's still human and 97 00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:24,200 Speaker 1: it still hurts people, and it's still at the end 98 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:27,279 Speaker 1: of the day, people are hiding behind their computers and 99 00:05:27,279 --> 00:05:30,520 Speaker 1: they're bullying, and I just don't I don't like it. 100 00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:33,200 Speaker 1: That's like we had this thing happened. So there was 101 00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:38,279 Speaker 1: this woman who I just happened to. Someone had screenshot 102 00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:41,960 Speaker 1: at me and saying, hey, your neighbor is talking crap 103 00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:45,880 Speaker 1: about you. And I'm like, I immediately got read because 104 00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:47,680 Speaker 1: I'm like, my neighbors are my friends, Like you know, 105 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:50,120 Speaker 1: like what what? So I look and it was on 106 00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:54,279 Speaker 1: the news and there was this girl being like, yeah, 107 00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:58,000 Speaker 1: I live in Jana's neighborhood, and you know, her boyfriend 108 00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:00,479 Speaker 1: moved in, and like it's just really sad what she's 109 00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:03,320 Speaker 1: doing to the kids. And I'm like, first of all, 110 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:07,760 Speaker 1: I never moved in, hasn't moved in. Yes, he's here 111 00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:11,880 Speaker 1: a lot, but like, no, he has not moved in. Third, 112 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:15,039 Speaker 1: fourth million, like who who? Like why are you going? 113 00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:17,040 Speaker 1: And that I wasn't even bad, like it was just 114 00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:19,640 Speaker 1: but again like people just putting out like misinformation. And 115 00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:21,000 Speaker 1: then they were all just like talking about like my 116 00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:22,600 Speaker 1: judgment as a mom, and I'm like, you don't go 117 00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:24,680 Speaker 1: after my mom ng like you're not going to judge 118 00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:27,120 Speaker 1: how I am as a mom and what I do 119 00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:29,680 Speaker 1: for my kids every single day. So I have this 120 00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:31,880 Speaker 1: chain with Pamela and like all my o G moms 121 00:06:31,880 --> 00:06:35,440 Speaker 1: in the neighborhood, like Jenny and Molly and and I 122 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:37,919 Speaker 1: was like, who is this mom? Because there's been some 123 00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:41,080 Speaker 1: new neighbors that moved in, and they are like we'll 124 00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:43,640 Speaker 1: be at your door in five minutes, five minutes with 125 00:06:43,760 --> 00:06:46,680 Speaker 1: stakes and fire, like we will march down there and go. 126 00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:49,320 Speaker 1: We don't talk about people in this neighborhood because there's 127 00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:52,520 Speaker 1: other people that there's a football players or whatever. It's like, 128 00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:55,400 Speaker 1: we don't do that, And I don't want to have 129 00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:57,839 Speaker 1: to feel like I have to be like careful of 130 00:06:57,880 --> 00:06:59,520 Speaker 1: what I do so that they're not running to like 131 00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:04,880 Speaker 1: a news or whatever. So long story short, pamelin the 132 00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:07,120 Speaker 1: detective of all detectives and like you're really good. But 133 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:09,120 Speaker 1: like Pam goes into like this is this is her 134 00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:11,840 Speaker 1: second cousin, like you know what I mean? Like yeah, 135 00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:14,880 Speaker 1: within like five minutes, she finds out she's not her neighbor, 136 00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:20,480 Speaker 1: she's um, she lives, you know, down the street like 137 00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:26,920 Speaker 1: five miles. Her son is in the same classroom as Jolie. 138 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:30,920 Speaker 1: So I'm like he did, So I'm we get her 139 00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:35,280 Speaker 1: son's whatever find out and I'm like what do I do? 140 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:37,000 Speaker 1: Like do I and Jolie was about to have a 141 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:39,960 Speaker 1: birthday party? I'm like, do I invite the mother to 142 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:44,120 Speaker 1: the birthday party? And then just on her way out 143 00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:46,320 Speaker 1: in the gift bag like put the screenshot of what 144 00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:52,280 Speaker 1: I know her thing is on the news? Trust me. 145 00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:54,280 Speaker 1: And so then I'm friends with Julie's teacher, So I 146 00:07:54,280 --> 00:07:55,520 Speaker 1: texted her and I was like, hey, gave me the 147 00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:58,160 Speaker 1: low down on like this kid's mom because like this 148 00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:01,239 Speaker 1: is you know, she talked some like smack on whatever, 149 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:05,120 Speaker 1: and she was like, oh yeah, you know, like like 150 00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:06,760 Speaker 1: invite me to the party. I want to see it 151 00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:09,560 Speaker 1: all go down or whatever. And so I was just 152 00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:12,840 Speaker 1: like what do I do. I'm like or, and Pamela's 153 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:14,360 Speaker 1: like here's her number. I'm like or. I just call 154 00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:18,520 Speaker 1: her and just be like hey, like I know what 155 00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:21,160 Speaker 1: you said. You don't know me and you're not my neighbor, 156 00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:25,480 Speaker 1: so stop trying to say like you know anything. So 157 00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:27,800 Speaker 1: I called her because I was like I really wanted 158 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:30,200 Speaker 1: to like do little like the birthday party thinking but 159 00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:32,080 Speaker 1: I'm like I'm too much of a freaking baby, and 160 00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:34,839 Speaker 1: I don't like confrontation. But but it would have been 161 00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:38,240 Speaker 1: like kind of classic that savage right there, super savage. 162 00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:40,760 Speaker 1: But I was like, I can't do it. I can't can't, can't, 163 00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:43,559 Speaker 1: can't do it. Well it would have been fun, though, um, 164 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:48,280 Speaker 1: And so I end up calling her, goes to voicemail, 165 00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:51,880 Speaker 1: and then I text her and I was just like, hello, 166 00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:57,000 Speaker 1: this is Janet Kramer, Jolie's mom. Um, this is the 167 00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:59,880 Speaker 1: information that I have. And I was like, don't have 168 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:03,080 Speaker 1: claim to be my neighbor because you don't live in 169 00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:06,520 Speaker 1: my neighborhood. You're not my neighbor. You have no idea 170 00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:09,960 Speaker 1: if my boyfriend moved in, which he hasn't. I don't 171 00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:12,480 Speaker 1: have to explain that to you, But like, why do 172 00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:14,559 Speaker 1: you why did you feel like even need to go 173 00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:19,400 Speaker 1: on a social magazine or whatever and just start making 174 00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:23,480 Speaker 1: like statements and then question my motherhood about those those 175 00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:28,040 Speaker 1: poor kids. My kids are fine. I'm a great mom, 176 00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:30,439 Speaker 1: and you don't need to worry about my poor kids. Like, 177 00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:33,840 Speaker 1: good for you. So I was just like, and I 178 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,120 Speaker 1: wanted to be like, and he's not invited to the 179 00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:38,840 Speaker 1: birthday party? Was he was? He invited? No? Because I 180 00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:41,520 Speaker 1: heard he said he's a troublemaker in class. He was 181 00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:45,000 Speaker 1: already he was already trout with I'm like, well, doesn't 182 00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:47,199 Speaker 1: follow too far from the tree. They just do that 183 00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:50,439 Speaker 1: for attention. I wouldn't do that though. It's a thing 184 00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:52,800 Speaker 1: like I'm not I wouldn't listen to attention. Thing saying 185 00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:55,719 Speaker 1: that she was in your neighborhood was to get to 186 00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:58,800 Speaker 1: be incredible. It was the kid comment that those poor kids. 187 00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:02,439 Speaker 1: I'm very sensitive to my kids about being a parent, 188 00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:07,880 Speaker 1: like do not And then spread false information. No kids 189 00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:10,760 Speaker 1: are off limits, man, they're off limits. You cannot miss 190 00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:15,840 Speaker 1: with people's kids. So anyways, that happened. How did she respond? 191 00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:19,440 Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. You're absolutely right. That was really wrong 192 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:22,319 Speaker 1: in me. Good for her, yeah, I mean at least 193 00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:26,319 Speaker 1: she owned it, thank god, because if not getting gone wrong, 194 00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:33,280 Speaker 1: I mean, she was smart enough banked with this going down. 195 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:37,720 Speaker 1: I mean, you know, but um, so that was interesting. 196 00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:39,800 Speaker 1: And then I have a question for you to I'm 197 00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:42,000 Speaker 1: not going to say the person's name, but it says 198 00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:45,680 Speaker 1: it's a girl that I've talked to on Instagram. She's 199 00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:48,200 Speaker 1: recently gone through a divorce. She's in the public eye, 200 00:10:48,679 --> 00:10:53,120 Speaker 1: and I don't know why it bothers me, but we 201 00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:56,000 Speaker 1: were dem ng and I basically said something to her 202 00:10:56,640 --> 00:10:59,080 Speaker 1: like I'm really sorry for what you're going through, you know, 203 00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:02,280 Speaker 1: And we've we've dammed, we've text sometimes. I was like, 204 00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:04,160 Speaker 1: I'm really sorry for what you're going through, you know, 205 00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:05,920 Speaker 1: if you need anything, like I'm here for you or whatever. 206 00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:10,559 Speaker 1: And then um, and then she's like, oh you too, 207 00:11:10,679 --> 00:11:12,240 Speaker 1: Like I see that you're in a new relationship, Like 208 00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:14,760 Speaker 1: I'm really happy, furious, like thanks, girls, like you know, 209 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,679 Speaker 1: it's just you never know, but like, yeah, I'm definitely 210 00:11:18,679 --> 00:11:21,560 Speaker 1: like in a good spot right now. And she's like, well, 211 00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:23,560 Speaker 1: at least your ex was a lot harder, hotter than 212 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:28,640 Speaker 1: my ex. At least you're ex it was a lot 213 00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:31,960 Speaker 1: hotter than my ex and I and I can pull 214 00:11:32,040 --> 00:11:34,880 Speaker 1: up the message. But I was like, I stopped in 215 00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:38,760 Speaker 1: my tracks and I was like, well, I would never 216 00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:46,560 Speaker 1: ever call her ex husband hot, whether he was hot 217 00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:51,560 Speaker 1: or not. I wouldn't do that. So for some reason 218 00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:53,679 Speaker 1: it really bothered me because I was like, I mean, 219 00:11:53,679 --> 00:11:55,480 Speaker 1: I'm just gonna pull up the message. I don't understand 220 00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:58,120 Speaker 1: the point, and maybe this cat and you please don't 221 00:11:58,120 --> 00:12:01,600 Speaker 1: be married. Okay. Then we started talking about okay, so 222 00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:03,880 Speaker 1: I just pulled the d M. Then we started talking 223 00:12:03,880 --> 00:12:07,400 Speaker 1: about She mentioned a story about her ex hating her, 224 00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:09,520 Speaker 1: and I was like, oh, girl, don't worry, Like you know, 225 00:12:09,559 --> 00:12:12,240 Speaker 1: my ex hates me too, but really they hate themselves 226 00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:14,480 Speaker 1: literally what I said, because he does. Do you think 227 00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:17,800 Speaker 1: he's a narcissist? This person, my ex makes my life 228 00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:20,120 Speaker 1: living hell every day. Blah blah blah blah blahah uh. 229 00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:23,040 Speaker 1: My ex says I ruined his life to um blah 230 00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:24,559 Speaker 1: blah blah blah blah blah blah. How the heck do 231 00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:26,839 Speaker 1: they hate you know? Does he hate me or whatever? 232 00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:31,040 Speaker 1: Um blah blah blah. It's like he's a man. At 233 00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:34,839 Speaker 1: least your ex is hot. Mine looks like a clown shows. 234 00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:37,720 Speaker 1: At least your ex is hot. And for some reason, 235 00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:40,640 Speaker 1: I'm just like, sorry, that's gonna bother me. I would 236 00:12:40,679 --> 00:12:42,439 Speaker 1: never say your exs hot, especially knowing how much you 237 00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:45,800 Speaker 1: hurt you anyways, have a great day. I don't know 238 00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:48,040 Speaker 1: why it bothers me. I would never say, like, least 239 00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:49,280 Speaker 1: your ex was hot, Like, I don't want to talk 240 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:51,400 Speaker 1: about how hot my ex was. So I think you 241 00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:53,880 Speaker 1: are thinking two completely different things, okay, talking me through that. 242 00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:56,040 Speaker 1: I think she is literally just trying to make a 243 00:12:56,080 --> 00:13:00,560 Speaker 1: point that like hers is not and as a clown, 244 00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:03,560 Speaker 1: I think she's thinking more about herself and you're thinking 245 00:13:03,559 --> 00:13:05,800 Speaker 1: about yourself. You don't want to hear that your ex 246 00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:07,720 Speaker 1: is hot. I don't want you guys be like, oh, 247 00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:08,959 Speaker 1: your ex is hot. I'm like, I don't want to 248 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:13,760 Speaker 1: hear that. Yeah, none of us would say that to you. 249 00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:18,360 Speaker 1: But I don't think that was her point. I don't 250 00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:22,000 Speaker 1: think that was like a bad intention personally. I think 251 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:24,520 Speaker 1: her point was more than like like she had a 252 00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:26,120 Speaker 1: hot one a month's left. I mean, I think it 253 00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:29,920 Speaker 1: was just more about yeah, but you just don't want 254 00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:31,520 Speaker 1: to keep that's something you don't want to hear. But 255 00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:36,400 Speaker 1: she wouldn't know that. I was just like your face. 256 00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:38,880 Speaker 1: I mean, I get where you're coming from, but I 257 00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:41,200 Speaker 1: don't think that it was the intention. How did she 258 00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:43,120 Speaker 1: handle you responding that way? Oh? Sorry, I was just 259 00:13:43,160 --> 00:13:44,880 Speaker 1: trying to make light of it, and I'm like, I 260 00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:46,560 Speaker 1: just don't want to I don't even want to mention 261 00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:49,679 Speaker 1: that he was yeah, because I don't think he's hot 262 00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:52,880 Speaker 1: at all. Anyways, Um, we're gonna take a break and 263 00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:55,360 Speaker 1: then we're gonna get John and An a man coming out. 264 00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:58,079 Speaker 1: You can pre order The Go Give Marriage on Amazon today. 265 00:13:58,559 --> 00:14:01,160 Speaker 1: I'm really excited to get them on. Talk about the 266 00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:17,679 Speaker 1: go Giver. Um, so break, get on John and Anna. 267 00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:22,200 Speaker 1: Hello there, Hi, Well, thank you so much for coming on. 268 00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:27,000 Speaker 1: Wine down. Um, I'm Jamma. This is Catherine. Um. Okay, 269 00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:28,640 Speaker 1: so you had the go giver and now it's the 270 00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:31,920 Speaker 1: go Giver marriage. So what was how did you transition 271 00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:34,400 Speaker 1: from first of all, what is the go giver? Give me? 272 00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:36,440 Speaker 1: The give me the definition so I can be a 273 00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:39,680 Speaker 1: go Giver. Okay, lowdown on the Go Giver. So The 274 00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:41,400 Speaker 1: Go Giver is a book that came out in two 275 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:45,400 Speaker 1: thousand eight. That's going on and the first rough, very 276 00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:48,400 Speaker 1: draft rolled off my desktop printer in two thousand five, 277 00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:51,880 Speaker 1: so we're coming up on twenty years um. The premise 278 00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:54,400 Speaker 1: of The Go Giver. It's a modern parable and it's 279 00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:56,160 Speaker 1: built as a business book, so it's aimed at the 280 00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:59,920 Speaker 1: business world, entrepreneurs and so on. And the premise of 281 00:14:59,920 --> 00:15:01,960 Speaker 1: The Go Giver is what we call the Pindar principle. 282 00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:03,960 Speaker 1: It says, the more you give, the more you have. 283 00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:07,880 Speaker 1: It just means in business, if you operate with a function, 284 00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:10,400 Speaker 1: with with a with a focus on the other person, 285 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:13,360 Speaker 1: with the idea of how can I add value to 286 00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:15,360 Speaker 1: this person, how can I serve this person? How can 287 00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:18,200 Speaker 1: I make their life better in the next few minutes, 288 00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:22,520 Speaker 1: rather than what can I get from this? Right that 289 00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:25,240 Speaker 1: it's not only a nice thing, but it's actually advantageous. 290 00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:29,400 Speaker 1: It's it's pragmatic. I mean, your life improves, not just there, 291 00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:34,400 Speaker 1: it helps everybody. So the book did really well. It's 292 00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:36,240 Speaker 1: sold over a million copies. That kind of struck a 293 00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:38,400 Speaker 1: chord and people loved it in the business world, but 294 00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:42,160 Speaker 1: people kept writing to us and saying, when are you 295 00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:47,160 Speaker 1: going to do a go giver book about relationships? Um? 296 00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:50,520 Speaker 1: And that's how my wife got involved, because that's her world, honest, 297 00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:53,000 Speaker 1: this is her career. Her whole adult life has been 298 00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:57,520 Speaker 1: about couples and helping enrich people's lives and helping them 299 00:15:57,520 --> 00:16:03,160 Speaker 1: live more satisfying lives. So because you are in them 300 00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:07,040 Speaker 1: a therapist, I'm a therapist. I've been a marriage therapist 301 00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:11,880 Speaker 1: as well as an individual therapist, mostly for adults. Um. 302 00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:16,000 Speaker 1: And that's been my lifelong career pretty much. UM, some 303 00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:19,480 Speaker 1: stints in business, and and I have a consulting practice 304 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:24,360 Speaker 1: as well. Um. But yeah, I care deeply about the 305 00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:27,800 Speaker 1: details of what hold people back from succeeding in marriage. 306 00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:30,880 Speaker 1: And a lot of times it's the emotional baggage that 307 00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:33,520 Speaker 1: we all bring from our childhood. It gets in the 308 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:36,160 Speaker 1: way of us being able to operate and function in 309 00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:39,600 Speaker 1: a marriage in a way where all those old issues 310 00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:42,360 Speaker 1: don't keep rising up and getting in the way of 311 00:16:42,840 --> 00:16:47,600 Speaker 1: true intimacy. So the go giver marriage, what is like, 312 00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:50,880 Speaker 1: how do you then transition from the go giver to 313 00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:52,840 Speaker 1: the go giver marriage? So what are the things that 314 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,200 Speaker 1: like to be to be a go giver in in 315 00:16:55,240 --> 00:17:00,240 Speaker 1: a marriage. You know. The subtitle of the book is 316 00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:05,320 Speaker 1: The Five Secrets to Lasting Love and it's based on 317 00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:11,880 Speaker 1: five components that are based on developmental theory, and developmental 318 00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:15,400 Speaker 1: theory basically says that whatever you need it as an 319 00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:18,520 Speaker 1: infant and as a child, you still need as an adult. 320 00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:22,800 Speaker 1: And so each secret is based on core elements of 321 00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:25,760 Speaker 1: things that you needed as a child that you still 322 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:29,600 Speaker 1: very much need now. What happens is that people get 323 00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:33,919 Speaker 1: so busy with their lives, chasing their careers, being Instagram influencers, 324 00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:36,639 Speaker 1: you know, going after you know, lots and lots of 325 00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:41,080 Speaker 1: you know, prizes if you will, uh, in the in 326 00:17:41,119 --> 00:17:44,000 Speaker 1: the adult world, that they kind of lose track of 327 00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:48,159 Speaker 1: giving to their spouse these things. So, you know, the 328 00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:51,359 Speaker 1: like the go giver. The basic premises that whenever you 329 00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:54,199 Speaker 1: give to your spouse, you're adding value to their life, 330 00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:58,159 Speaker 1: but it also reverberates back to you and the value 331 00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:02,560 Speaker 1: comes back to you as well in you deeper intimacy, 332 00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:07,119 Speaker 1: closer relationship, better bond, that kind of thing. So what 333 00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:10,560 Speaker 1: are those things that you know your your child self 334 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:15,200 Speaker 1: needs now as an adult. Uh, Well, one of them. 335 00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:18,800 Speaker 1: One of my favorite of the secrets is just appreciation. 336 00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:22,399 Speaker 1: And it's just the idea that the most important thing 337 00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:25,199 Speaker 1: that we all need as children and as adults is 338 00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:31,440 Speaker 1: to be seen, heard, understood, and deeply witnessed. And that's 339 00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:34,160 Speaker 1: something that people want, they really want it. I mean, 340 00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:36,159 Speaker 1: if you're going to be in an intimate relationship, you 341 00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:39,280 Speaker 1: don't want this person to just love you. You want 342 00:18:39,359 --> 00:18:41,840 Speaker 1: them to get you at a very deep level. You 343 00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:44,720 Speaker 1: want them to understand you. You want them to almost 344 00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:47,239 Speaker 1: be able to read your mind and feel feel you 345 00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:50,439 Speaker 1: when you're just your anxiety is rising or you're just 346 00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:53,760 Speaker 1: feeling like you're going to fall apart after a long 347 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:57,159 Speaker 1: week at the office whatever. Um. So, it really is 348 00:18:57,160 --> 00:19:01,320 Speaker 1: one of those things that being appreciated such a small gesture, 349 00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:05,760 Speaker 1: but it's a gesture of acknowledgement of you as a 350 00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:09,439 Speaker 1: person and it and we we we stress that it 351 00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:12,240 Speaker 1: needs to be something sincere and authentic. I mean, it's 352 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:15,159 Speaker 1: great when somebody walks by you in the kitchen it says, babe, 353 00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:18,440 Speaker 1: you're looking great in those genes today. You know, these 354 00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:22,800 Speaker 1: are compliments and they're lovely. But when we're talking about appreciation, 355 00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:25,439 Speaker 1: we're talking about that moment where your spouse stops you 356 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:29,080 Speaker 1: and says you are the most wonderful person. Your friends 357 00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:32,359 Speaker 1: are so lucky to have you. You're a really good friend. 358 00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:35,000 Speaker 1: And when I watch you with other people, I'm just 359 00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:38,000 Speaker 1: astonished at the way you listen and just what a 360 00:19:38,040 --> 00:19:41,159 Speaker 1: good friend you are, what a giver you are, And 361 00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:43,919 Speaker 1: then you're kind of taken back, going, well, thanks, you know, 362 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:47,119 Speaker 1: I mean, it's one of those moments. And basically we 363 00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:49,920 Speaker 1: teach people to do it two or three times a day, 364 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:52,840 Speaker 1: and then up it four times a day, five times 365 00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:57,399 Speaker 1: a day. You know, no one can get enough appreciation. Um. 366 00:19:57,440 --> 00:20:00,199 Speaker 1: You know, it's kind of like I like of it 367 00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:02,040 Speaker 1: to the way people. You know, you can either pray 368 00:20:02,119 --> 00:20:05,720 Speaker 1: a prayer of praise and thanksgiving, or you can pray 369 00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:08,560 Speaker 1: a prayer of gimme, gimme, gimme what have you given 370 00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:12,320 Speaker 1: me today? And this is kind of the same. You know. 371 00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:14,880 Speaker 1: It's like when you're giving to your spouse, when you're 372 00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:17,680 Speaker 1: letting your partner know the little ways that he or 373 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:21,800 Speaker 1: she is constantly nourishing your spirit and and the ways 374 00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:23,760 Speaker 1: that you feel loved and taken care of, and the 375 00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:27,240 Speaker 1: ways that you see them as a person. Um, it's 376 00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:31,600 Speaker 1: really powerful. And that's that's one John. Is there something 377 00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:35,720 Speaker 1: for you that you struggle with? Um, one of the secrets, 378 00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:38,000 Speaker 1: like in your relationship? Really hey, because I know, like 379 00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:39,480 Speaker 1: I remember, I don't know if you guys read the 380 00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:41,320 Speaker 1: book Love and Respect, but I remember reading that with 381 00:20:41,359 --> 00:20:44,000 Speaker 1: my then my now acts. But you know, it's like 382 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:46,240 Speaker 1: women want to be loved, men want to be respected, 383 00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:49,800 Speaker 1: And is it is there? Um? Is there a piece 384 00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:51,399 Speaker 1: for you in one of the your secrets and the 385 00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:53,760 Speaker 1: go giver where it's like it's just maybe it's harder 386 00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:56,280 Speaker 1: for men in general, but might be also hard and 387 00:20:56,359 --> 00:21:00,840 Speaker 1: just harder to do um in your marriage. I think 388 00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:03,240 Speaker 1: you know, one of the things that has really struck 389 00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:07,080 Speaker 1: us in this is the power of believing in another 390 00:21:07,119 --> 00:21:11,320 Speaker 1: person and and letting them know that. It's like appreciation 391 00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:13,880 Speaker 1: that Anna was saying, it's fine to appreciate the other person, 392 00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:16,439 Speaker 1: but she's talking about putting it in words, actually saying it, 393 00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:19,000 Speaker 1: because we often forget to do that. We kind of assume, yeah, 394 00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:21,880 Speaker 1: she knows that I appreciate her. It's like that with 395 00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:24,880 Speaker 1: this like core belief in the other person, it's easy 396 00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:26,480 Speaker 1: to let it go to just kind of assume it 397 00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:28,879 Speaker 1: but Anna has done this with me, for we've been 398 00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:32,639 Speaker 1: together for twenty five years now. We both came out 399 00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:35,960 Speaker 1: of prior marriages, so we both like to say, you know, 400 00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:38,440 Speaker 1: had emerged from the smoking ruins of houses that have 401 00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:43,280 Speaker 1: burned down around us. And I think that I have 402 00:21:43,359 --> 00:21:45,680 Speaker 1: a lot of self confidence as a as a as 403 00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:48,000 Speaker 1: a as a professional, as a person in the world, 404 00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:51,040 Speaker 1: but in terms of my interior self, in terms of 405 00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:54,880 Speaker 1: me as a human being. UM, I never realized how 406 00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:57,520 Speaker 1: much self doubt I have. And you talk about respect, 407 00:21:57,520 --> 00:22:00,600 Speaker 1: but this is about self respect. And On has been 408 00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:03,120 Speaker 1: there for me in the way that a really good 409 00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:06,000 Speaker 1: parent will be. And I don't mean she parentifies, but 410 00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:09,400 Speaker 1: she's been there believing in me, believing in me, believing 411 00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:11,440 Speaker 1: in me. I'll give you an example. I just published 412 00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:14,800 Speaker 1: my first novel last year, and even thank you. Even 413 00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:18,400 Speaker 1: though I've published dozens of books, they've all been nonfiction. 414 00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:21,400 Speaker 1: Anna used to say to me, you would write great novels, 415 00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:24,560 Speaker 1: you'd be a great novelist. And I would say, oh, why, 416 00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:28,160 Speaker 1: thank you. I appreciate that vote of confidence. Translation, yeah, 417 00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:30,520 Speaker 1: I don't think. I don't I don't believe a word 418 00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:34,040 Speaker 1: you're saying. But I appreciate that you're saying it. But 419 00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:36,800 Speaker 1: she kept saying it, and she wasn't obnoxious about it. 420 00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:39,160 Speaker 1: She just kept feeding me that she kept saying. And 421 00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:42,960 Speaker 1: you know, she talked about about developmental theory. Anna taught 422 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:46,440 Speaker 1: me the phrase primary narcissism, which is what a baby has. 423 00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:50,159 Speaker 1: It's when they're first forming their identity. And you, as 424 00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:53,199 Speaker 1: a parent might say, look at you. You read that 425 00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:56,439 Speaker 1: whole book by yourself. You're amazing, and a kid just 426 00:22:56,640 --> 00:23:01,359 Speaker 1: thrives on that. Right, we all have that infant still 427 00:23:01,359 --> 00:23:05,680 Speaker 1: inside us, right, We're all still that child beneath the sophistication. 428 00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:08,200 Speaker 1: So she would say, you're gonna be a great knowledge. 429 00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:10,560 Speaker 1: Now we'd go, oh, that's just such a nice feeling, 430 00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:14,240 Speaker 1: but I don't believe it yet yet. Yet after twenty years, 431 00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:18,680 Speaker 1: I finally believed it. And you published my first novel 432 00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:21,240 Speaker 1: and just up for a barrier word and it's it's 433 00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:25,960 Speaker 1: done really well. And that would not have happened without 434 00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:32,399 Speaker 1: her building me up so simple. But we just forget 435 00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:36,600 Speaker 1: to do it. Yeah, that's beautiful. Is because you guys 436 00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:40,880 Speaker 1: have both come from past relationships. Um, I mean, I'm 437 00:23:40,880 --> 00:23:45,359 Speaker 1: almost a year divorced. I'm now in a new relationship. 438 00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:52,400 Speaker 1: But you know I often think back and go okay, like, well, 439 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:54,399 Speaker 1: you know, obviously I see things that I could have 440 00:23:54,440 --> 00:23:58,639 Speaker 1: done differently in my last marriage. UM. Now in this 441 00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:01,320 Speaker 1: new relationship, it's like, how do you almost let because 442 00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:04,800 Speaker 1: I think I'm so afraid of my past relationship creeping 443 00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:07,000 Speaker 1: in and the possibility of like, oh my god, what 444 00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:08,639 Speaker 1: if what if he cheats? I mean like Max did 445 00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:11,960 Speaker 1: and what if? You know that, It's just like I'm 446 00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:17,080 Speaker 1: almost taking away what how great like my relationship could 447 00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:19,480 Speaker 1: be today with a new person because I'm so afraid 448 00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:22,600 Speaker 1: of like what the past can creep into my you know, 449 00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:26,000 Speaker 1: two now wondering if I want to speak I want 450 00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:28,639 Speaker 1: to speak to that if I may please UM. You know, 451 00:24:28,720 --> 00:24:31,120 Speaker 1: both John and I not only came out of long 452 00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:33,680 Speaker 1: term marriages that didn't make it, but there were kids involved, 453 00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:36,640 Speaker 1: and we both married for life. You know, we were 454 00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:39,520 Speaker 1: the like you get married, just stay married kind of 455 00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:45,119 Speaker 1: people and you know, the the embers were still burning 456 00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:47,600 Speaker 1: when we got together. In terms of both of us 457 00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:50,600 Speaker 1: had a lot of self confidence issues. I think you 458 00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:55,159 Speaker 1: have to give yourself space. I think that UM, allow 459 00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:58,040 Speaker 1: yourself as many years and as much time as it 460 00:24:58,119 --> 00:25:01,960 Speaker 1: takes because if that person isn't willing to wait until 461 00:25:02,040 --> 00:25:05,280 Speaker 1: you're really comfortable, they're not the right person for you anyways. 462 00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:10,600 Speaker 1: And it's perfectly legitimate to have those feelings of I'm 463 00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:13,960 Speaker 1: scared what if he cheats on me? You know what 464 00:25:14,119 --> 00:25:17,440 Speaker 1: if this happens, What if my trust gets broken again? 465 00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:20,600 Speaker 1: I don't think I can handle it well? Then wait, 466 00:25:21,080 --> 00:25:23,639 Speaker 1: because the handwriting is always on the wall. If you 467 00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:26,440 Speaker 1: wait a few years, and I tell people all the time, 468 00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:29,639 Speaker 1: couples that I'm coaching or individuals that i'm coaching, you know, 469 00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:32,080 Speaker 1: the red flags will go down on the field if 470 00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:34,359 Speaker 1: you wait long enough. And so if you're still in 471 00:25:34,359 --> 00:25:37,920 Speaker 1: the dating phase of your relationships, stay there until it's 472 00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:40,760 Speaker 1: so black and white to you that you know it's 473 00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:45,359 Speaker 1: the right move. Because people reveal themselves over time. It 474 00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:47,960 Speaker 1: could be that moment when you're really hurting and he 475 00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:51,520 Speaker 1: doesn't listen, Or it could be that moment when you 476 00:25:51,560 --> 00:25:56,359 Speaker 1: know you're sharing some really deep intimate thing and he 477 00:25:56,560 --> 00:26:00,359 Speaker 1: changes the topic to talk about the game, or you know, 478 00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:03,400 Speaker 1: I mean, it's like it's so subtle sometimes, but women 479 00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:08,040 Speaker 1: are very relational. That's why you know. Women have women friends. 480 00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:10,240 Speaker 1: Men have men friends. And I don't deny either one 481 00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:13,199 Speaker 1: as very relational. But women, they get really deep and 482 00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:16,600 Speaker 1: intimate around relationship. They want to be able to share 483 00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:20,000 Speaker 1: at a very deep, very core level. And we often 484 00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:22,879 Speaker 1: joke about how like men are men are labradors and 485 00:26:22,880 --> 00:26:25,199 Speaker 1: women are cats, you know, and labradors like they just 486 00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:26,720 Speaker 1: want to run with the bone and do a good 487 00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:40,679 Speaker 1: job where my bone. But yeah, exactly, but you know, 488 00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:44,680 Speaker 1: women are looking for that. You know, it's the same 489 00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:47,320 Speaker 1: when intimacy weekends. Men are like, you know, I'm turned on, 490 00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:50,240 Speaker 1: let's go. Women are like, could we talk first? You know, 491 00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:51,920 Speaker 1: can we have a glass of wine? You know, can 492 00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:54,479 Speaker 1: we warm up a little? You know, they there's a 493 00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:57,560 Speaker 1: little bit of a time lapse there for women to 494 00:26:57,680 --> 00:27:01,080 Speaker 1: sort of let down, let their guard down, get relaxed, 495 00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:04,240 Speaker 1: and get comfortable. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's 496 00:27:04,320 --> 00:27:08,840 Speaker 1: just that we're different in our makeup. And so I 497 00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:11,439 Speaker 1: really feel like waiting and giving it, giving yourself that 498 00:27:11,480 --> 00:27:14,359 Speaker 1: all the space you could possibly need is the way 499 00:27:14,359 --> 00:27:17,160 Speaker 1: that that you get to find out you know, where 500 00:27:17,200 --> 00:27:19,600 Speaker 1: you where you stand. And I had a personal note 501 00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:22,000 Speaker 1: on that. I just want to add to that that 502 00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:24,320 Speaker 1: you know, this is this is our story. Because when 503 00:27:24,359 --> 00:27:28,640 Speaker 1: we first got together, we when we first fell in love, 504 00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:31,639 Speaker 1: we felt madly and I mean we had we were 505 00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:35,720 Speaker 1: friends first, we were business colleagues and friends and um, 506 00:27:35,800 --> 00:27:38,159 Speaker 1: we had the greatest conversations and they went on for hours, 507 00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:40,080 Speaker 1: and we can talk about anything. I was like, who 508 00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:43,080 Speaker 1: is this dazzling creature that can talk about anything for hours? 509 00:27:43,119 --> 00:27:45,240 Speaker 1: And we just went on and on and on. Once 510 00:27:45,320 --> 00:27:48,120 Speaker 1: we fell in love and realized that I was a goner, 511 00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:51,240 Speaker 1: I was just so done. It's like, we have to 512 00:27:51,280 --> 00:27:53,720 Speaker 1: get married. And I wanted to get married right then, 513 00:27:54,440 --> 00:27:56,600 Speaker 1: and and I was very serious. I told a friend 514 00:27:56,640 --> 00:27:58,600 Speaker 1: of mine, if I don't get married, I'll die. That 515 00:27:58,680 --> 00:28:00,399 Speaker 1: was how it felt like, I just have to do it. 516 00:28:00,440 --> 00:28:03,159 Speaker 1: I'm sorry, there's just there's no note to this. And Anna, 517 00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:06,760 Speaker 1: it was who said, yeah, I think we need a 518 00:28:06,760 --> 00:28:09,919 Speaker 1: little time, which was very diplomatic of her. What she 519 00:28:09,960 --> 00:28:12,119 Speaker 1: really meant was I think you need a little time. 520 00:28:12,880 --> 00:28:15,280 Speaker 1: Because I did. Oh, yeah, you did too, Okay, we'll 521 00:28:15,320 --> 00:28:19,000 Speaker 1: be looking. I did. I did because I didn't understand 522 00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:21,520 Speaker 1: what happened with the first marriage. I didn't even quite 523 00:28:21,600 --> 00:28:25,240 Speaker 1: understand myself. I mean I didn't know it. And after 524 00:28:25,320 --> 00:28:28,480 Speaker 1: a few years of just dating. I realized that deep 525 00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:32,040 Speaker 1: inside somewhere, I was terrified that as much as I 526 00:28:32,119 --> 00:28:36,280 Speaker 1: adored this creature, that if we got married, that one 527 00:28:36,280 --> 00:28:39,360 Speaker 1: would blow up too. And I got to a point 528 00:28:39,400 --> 00:28:42,200 Speaker 1: where I was thinking, you know, we're getting along really well, 529 00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:46,400 Speaker 1: maybe that's like all there is. Um. We did it 530 00:28:46,440 --> 00:28:51,520 Speaker 1: for ten years and you know, and then when we 531 00:28:51,560 --> 00:28:55,720 Speaker 1: actually got married, it was just so black and white. 532 00:28:55,720 --> 00:28:58,800 Speaker 1: And in fact, his daughter we had we had kids. 533 00:28:58,840 --> 00:29:00,800 Speaker 1: You know, that was part of the complicate teenage kids. 534 00:29:00,800 --> 00:29:03,640 Speaker 1: Honest daughter went to her one day and said, and 535 00:29:03,680 --> 00:29:05,920 Speaker 1: the story is actually in the in the Gora marriage 536 00:29:05,920 --> 00:29:09,680 Speaker 1: in the book in another character. But her daughter came 537 00:29:09,680 --> 00:29:11,800 Speaker 1: to her and said, Mom, I think you should marry John. 538 00:29:12,720 --> 00:29:15,360 Speaker 1: And honestly, do you do? Why? Why do you think 539 00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:18,560 Speaker 1: that he makes you happy? I mean, when your kids 540 00:29:18,560 --> 00:29:21,320 Speaker 1: are coming and saying, guys, guys, tie the knot, then 541 00:29:21,360 --> 00:29:24,320 Speaker 1: it's it's a it's a pretty good sign. But I'm 542 00:29:24,400 --> 00:29:27,000 Speaker 1: really so grateful that we didn't jump in the beginning 543 00:29:27,160 --> 00:29:29,440 Speaker 1: because I had some sorting out to do. But do 544 00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:31,200 Speaker 1: you think you could have done that? That's a thing. 545 00:29:31,640 --> 00:29:34,360 Speaker 1: Could you do that sorting out when you're in a relation, 546 00:29:34,400 --> 00:29:36,120 Speaker 1: Because I feel like when you're in a marriage, it's 547 00:29:36,120 --> 00:29:39,520 Speaker 1: like they're still sorting out always to be done, you 548 00:29:39,840 --> 00:29:42,640 Speaker 1: can for sure, but it's it's more complicated. But sweetheart, 549 00:29:42,640 --> 00:29:44,480 Speaker 1: you're going to say something on that, Well, I agree 550 00:29:44,480 --> 00:29:46,880 Speaker 1: with John, it's more complicated because once you're in the 551 00:29:46,960 --> 00:29:50,360 Speaker 1: intimacy of you've locked the door, so to speak, you've 552 00:29:50,400 --> 00:29:55,120 Speaker 1: gotten married. Um. Some people really experience that sense of 553 00:29:55,160 --> 00:29:58,320 Speaker 1: like what have I done? Um the minute the marriage 554 00:29:58,360 --> 00:30:02,719 Speaker 1: goes down. And also the intimacy deepens in the sense 555 00:30:02,800 --> 00:30:05,600 Speaker 1: that people, you know, the baggage that each of us 556 00:30:05,600 --> 00:30:09,200 Speaker 1: bring to the relationship unpacks, and it unpacks on its own. 557 00:30:09,880 --> 00:30:13,240 Speaker 1: The part of you that has control issues or that 558 00:30:13,400 --> 00:30:17,520 Speaker 1: you know is expecting sex more than the other one, 559 00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:20,000 Speaker 1: you know, all of a sudden that starts to play out, 560 00:30:20,040 --> 00:30:24,720 Speaker 1: and little little spats and little irritations appear, and it 561 00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:27,600 Speaker 1: can be harder for you to both have the compassion 562 00:30:27,680 --> 00:30:30,560 Speaker 1: to say, I'm still healing this wound that happened to 563 00:30:30,600 --> 00:30:33,600 Speaker 1: me five years ago, and I need I need to 564 00:30:33,600 --> 00:30:35,400 Speaker 1: be able to heal that. I need to feel like 565 00:30:35,480 --> 00:30:39,760 Speaker 1: that's fully fully managed. Um. And usually when there's a 566 00:30:39,760 --> 00:30:43,520 Speaker 1: trust broken, there's a deeper trust broken underneath it. If 567 00:30:43,560 --> 00:30:47,520 Speaker 1: you go back into your childhood. Sometimes there's something there 568 00:30:47,560 --> 00:30:53,080 Speaker 1: that also really hurt that kind of you know, one 569 00:30:53,160 --> 00:30:55,960 Speaker 1: feeds the other and makes the wound a little deeper 570 00:30:56,080 --> 00:30:58,400 Speaker 1: than it should be. It's not that you can't heal 571 00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:00,640 Speaker 1: while you're together in a marriage, but both of you 572 00:31:00,760 --> 00:31:04,280 Speaker 1: have to be really really willing to either bring in 573 00:31:04,320 --> 00:31:07,000 Speaker 1: a third party counselor to help you talk through things, 574 00:31:07,440 --> 00:31:13,200 Speaker 1: or to have real rules for not letting fierce fights 575 00:31:13,360 --> 00:31:16,200 Speaker 1: break out in a way that are destructive and or 576 00:31:16,280 --> 00:31:19,040 Speaker 1: where you're in a shouting match where neither one is 577 00:31:19,040 --> 00:31:35,080 Speaker 1: getting hurt. So I've been married for fourteen years, and 578 00:31:35,120 --> 00:31:38,120 Speaker 1: you know, we got married young, So you get married young. 579 00:31:39,200 --> 00:31:41,120 Speaker 1: I didn't have this advice when I was twenty three 580 00:31:41,160 --> 00:31:44,560 Speaker 1: years old. You know, deal with your childhood wounds before 581 00:31:44,600 --> 00:31:47,280 Speaker 1: you get married, you know. So you're in a marriage 582 00:31:47,320 --> 00:31:50,520 Speaker 1: that I am in therapy dealing with my childhood wounds 583 00:31:50,600 --> 00:31:55,240 Speaker 1: and trying to kind of maneuver that in a marriage 584 00:31:55,280 --> 00:31:58,360 Speaker 1: fourteen years later. I mean there's been you know, bumps 585 00:31:58,360 --> 00:32:02,400 Speaker 1: on the road for years, but just really finally realizing 586 00:32:02,400 --> 00:32:06,760 Speaker 1: it is from so many childhood wounds. So like what 587 00:32:06,840 --> 00:32:09,040 Speaker 1: I mean you kind of touched on that, but it's 588 00:32:10,360 --> 00:32:12,440 Speaker 1: it's it's a hard thing to figure out because it's 589 00:32:12,480 --> 00:32:15,600 Speaker 1: like we've grown so much, we're different people, you know, 590 00:32:15,640 --> 00:32:18,280 Speaker 1: do things change, you know, where our needs different when 591 00:32:18,320 --> 00:32:22,160 Speaker 1: we were younger than they are now, or it sounds 592 00:32:22,160 --> 00:32:23,800 Speaker 1: like they're the same, like he said, you know when 593 00:32:23,800 --> 00:32:27,840 Speaker 1: we're children. Yeah, they're not. They're not deeper, they're not different. 594 00:32:28,480 --> 00:32:31,880 Speaker 1: But it really also depends on your spouse and whether 595 00:32:32,000 --> 00:32:34,080 Speaker 1: or not he can really embrace the part of you 596 00:32:34,160 --> 00:32:38,240 Speaker 1: that's healing and and sometimes that takes having those really 597 00:32:38,640 --> 00:32:42,560 Speaker 1: intimate conversations where you're letting him know that you realize 598 00:32:42,600 --> 00:32:45,320 Speaker 1: you've got stuff too that you're working on, and you 599 00:32:45,360 --> 00:32:47,720 Speaker 1: don't want it to hurt him, and you don't want 600 00:32:47,720 --> 00:32:50,280 Speaker 1: it to ride all over him. At the same time, 601 00:32:50,400 --> 00:32:54,200 Speaker 1: you want him to give you, um some space to 602 00:32:54,400 --> 00:32:56,640 Speaker 1: work on it and for it to be okay that 603 00:32:56,760 --> 00:33:01,080 Speaker 1: it exists. Because I I had anxiety my first marriage. 604 00:33:01,560 --> 00:33:04,840 Speaker 1: I I grew up with a family member who was 605 00:33:06,080 --> 00:33:08,760 Speaker 1: made me nervous all the time. I'll just put it 606 00:33:08,800 --> 00:33:11,800 Speaker 1: that way without getting too deep into it. UM I 607 00:33:11,840 --> 00:33:14,440 Speaker 1: had a parent who was depressed and they got very 608 00:33:14,440 --> 00:33:18,520 Speaker 1: irritable at times, and we're sometimes very verbal about their irritability, 609 00:33:18,520 --> 00:33:22,719 Speaker 1: and I was constantly watching them. I was nervous and 610 00:33:22,800 --> 00:33:25,440 Speaker 1: so and then I ended up with my firstborn child 611 00:33:25,480 --> 00:33:27,840 Speaker 1: had special needs. And I'll tell you a kid with 612 00:33:27,880 --> 00:33:30,160 Speaker 1: special needs, you're nervous all the time because you're just 613 00:33:30,200 --> 00:33:32,200 Speaker 1: watching them like a hawk to make sure they don't 614 00:33:32,200 --> 00:33:36,000 Speaker 1: have another seizure or that something bad isn't about to happen. Yeah, 615 00:33:36,080 --> 00:33:39,000 Speaker 1: we both have children with special needs, so that those 616 00:33:39,040 --> 00:33:42,160 Speaker 1: are really stressful on a marriage. So what I'm what 617 00:33:42,240 --> 00:33:44,480 Speaker 1: I'm driving at though, is that my anxiety wrote all 618 00:33:44,480 --> 00:33:46,120 Speaker 1: over the marriage. I mean, it was there all the 619 00:33:46,160 --> 00:33:49,680 Speaker 1: time and it drove him nuts. But his way of 620 00:33:49,720 --> 00:33:51,920 Speaker 1: dealing with it was to say things like cut it out, 621 00:33:51,960 --> 00:33:56,360 Speaker 1: it's not that big a deal. That's like dismissing. Yeah, 622 00:33:56,400 --> 00:34:01,320 Speaker 1: it's dismissing your feelings completely. And so you really need 623 00:34:01,360 --> 00:34:06,680 Speaker 1: that opportunity for your husband to really understand that these 624 00:34:06,680 --> 00:34:09,640 Speaker 1: wounds aren't just surface. These wounds are deep. They had 625 00:34:09,640 --> 00:34:12,040 Speaker 1: an impact on you, and that you're trying to be 626 00:34:12,200 --> 00:34:13,719 Speaker 1: I'm not sure if your mother, but you're trying to 627 00:34:13,719 --> 00:34:16,279 Speaker 1: be the best mother and the best wife spouse you 628 00:34:16,320 --> 00:34:18,520 Speaker 1: can be, and that you want to make sure that 629 00:34:18,640 --> 00:34:21,960 Speaker 1: your wounds don't hurt him or don't impact the relationship, 630 00:34:22,239 --> 00:34:24,399 Speaker 1: but you also want him to understand that you need 631 00:34:24,680 --> 00:34:27,359 Speaker 1: his compassion in his space, and if that can get 632 00:34:27,360 --> 00:34:30,040 Speaker 1: really established, there's a great deal of room for healing. 633 00:34:30,320 --> 00:34:34,320 Speaker 1: And kudos to you for being in therapy, because old wounds, 634 00:34:34,440 --> 00:34:39,080 Speaker 1: you know, they really really deserve in a compassionate therapist 635 00:34:39,160 --> 00:34:43,200 Speaker 1: who's really good, who can just be there for you. Yeah. 636 00:34:43,200 --> 00:34:45,520 Speaker 1: I mean, I think that's definitely kind of where we're at. 637 00:34:45,560 --> 00:34:47,640 Speaker 1: He is kind of giving me the space to just 638 00:34:47,760 --> 00:34:50,000 Speaker 1: kind of and I'm the one with the intimacy issues, 639 00:34:50,080 --> 00:34:52,359 Speaker 1: like I have a hard time being vulnerable, I have, 640 00:34:52,600 --> 00:34:54,840 Speaker 1: you know, all of those and he's really given me 641 00:34:54,880 --> 00:34:57,160 Speaker 1: the space to just kind of try and go figure 642 00:34:57,200 --> 00:34:59,200 Speaker 1: that out. And you know, and I have three kids, 643 00:34:59,440 --> 00:35:03,000 Speaker 1: and you know, you said about your anxiety terrifies me 644 00:35:03,200 --> 00:35:05,719 Speaker 1: because I can be kind of that as a mom. 645 00:35:05,800 --> 00:35:07,680 Speaker 1: And I'm like, what if I you know, like what 646 00:35:07,719 --> 00:35:09,960 Speaker 1: if this affects my kids? You know, I mean it's 647 00:35:10,000 --> 00:35:13,000 Speaker 1: so much you know, thinking about trying to fix yourself 648 00:35:13,040 --> 00:35:15,040 Speaker 1: but also not messing up your kids at the same time. 649 00:35:15,200 --> 00:35:19,239 Speaker 1: Is trust yourself as a mother. I just want to 650 00:35:19,280 --> 00:35:21,520 Speaker 1: say this to you because the sincerety of who you 651 00:35:21,560 --> 00:35:24,040 Speaker 1: are is coming straight through that microphone, loud and clear. 652 00:35:24,400 --> 00:35:26,800 Speaker 1: You're not going to screw up your kids. Your kids 653 00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:29,680 Speaker 1: love you deeper than you could even imagine. And you 654 00:35:29,760 --> 00:35:34,560 Speaker 1: are not doing what was done to you. Yeah, and 655 00:35:34,640 --> 00:35:37,719 Speaker 1: you're making sure and the fierceness. I gotta tell you, 656 00:35:37,760 --> 00:35:40,759 Speaker 1: a fierce mother is way better than an ambivalent mother. 657 00:35:41,239 --> 00:35:48,040 Speaker 1: In a heartbeat, yeah, I hear that. No force, no 658 00:35:48,160 --> 00:35:50,279 Speaker 1: force in the universe more powerful than a fierce mama. 659 00:35:50,320 --> 00:35:54,520 Speaker 1: That's right, exactly, for sure, we'll get I sued the 660 00:35:54,560 --> 00:35:57,120 Speaker 1: public school system for a placement that costs twenty four 661 00:35:57,200 --> 00:36:01,720 Speaker 1: thousand dollars a year and one in fifteen minutes. Oh wow. Yeah, 662 00:36:01,760 --> 00:36:06,920 Speaker 1: I walked into walked into that meeting with a lawyer 663 00:36:07,040 --> 00:36:09,440 Speaker 1: and said, I'm going straight to the state level. You 664 00:36:09,480 --> 00:36:11,919 Speaker 1: cannot provide for my child. This is what she needs. 665 00:36:11,960 --> 00:36:18,600 Speaker 1: It's an outside placement, and I expect busting Mike drop. Yeah, 666 00:36:18,640 --> 00:36:20,960 Speaker 1: I mean, you got it. You know, there's nothing more 667 00:36:20,960 --> 00:36:24,120 Speaker 1: powerful than a woman on purpose. So don't don't don't. 668 00:36:24,160 --> 00:36:27,440 Speaker 1: Just trust yourself. That's my greatest greatest advice. I'm sure 669 00:36:27,440 --> 00:36:31,400 Speaker 1: a therapist is you know, behind the behind the you know, 670 00:36:32,080 --> 00:36:35,520 Speaker 1: we have the same therapist. I gave her my therapist 671 00:36:35,600 --> 00:36:39,839 Speaker 1: and she's she's she's an amazing But it's funny because 672 00:36:39,840 --> 00:36:42,600 Speaker 1: our therapist is very therapy. You know, she's follows, she's there. 673 00:36:42,680 --> 00:36:45,439 Speaker 1: She's like, I cannot confirm nor deny that like that 674 00:36:45,440 --> 00:36:48,560 Speaker 1: that you have my best friend. I know, I know, 675 00:36:48,840 --> 00:36:52,920 Speaker 1: but we just exchanged appointment, so I know that you know. Um, 676 00:36:53,440 --> 00:36:55,680 Speaker 1: but I am curious so too, because a lot of people, 677 00:36:56,600 --> 00:37:00,640 Speaker 1: UM ask me this question, and you know, I know, 678 00:37:00,920 --> 00:37:03,640 Speaker 1: I have people that wrestle with it, like when do 679 00:37:03,719 --> 00:37:08,239 Speaker 1: you know, like it's to walk away? Like I knew 680 00:37:08,280 --> 00:37:12,640 Speaker 1: my walk away moment, but like when what do you 681 00:37:12,680 --> 00:37:15,200 Speaker 1: tell couples and that might not even have like I mean, 682 00:37:15,840 --> 00:37:18,360 Speaker 1: you know, I don't know, maybe in the all situation 683 00:37:18,960 --> 00:37:20,520 Speaker 1: with you in your act, I mean you with you 684 00:37:20,560 --> 00:37:25,319 Speaker 1: in your husband where it's like there's not inity, there's 685 00:37:25,320 --> 00:37:27,080 Speaker 1: not this, there's not that, but it's like it's just 686 00:37:27,200 --> 00:37:30,319 Speaker 1: you guys. It's like, do you do you continue to 687 00:37:30,520 --> 00:37:32,600 Speaker 1: you know, be a go giver in the marriage or 688 00:37:32,640 --> 00:37:34,959 Speaker 1: is it just like like when the when when maybe 689 00:37:34,960 --> 00:37:36,680 Speaker 1: there's love loss and it's like it's you don't know 690 00:37:36,719 --> 00:37:39,439 Speaker 1: how to get that back. It's like because that that 691 00:37:39,520 --> 00:37:42,520 Speaker 1: feels like exhausting too. And it's like I know with 692 00:37:42,600 --> 00:37:44,719 Speaker 1: my ax, like just trying and trying and trying. And 693 00:37:44,760 --> 00:37:46,879 Speaker 1: finally it's like people like when did you know enough 694 00:37:46,920 --> 00:37:48,399 Speaker 1: was enough? Because I have so many people that reach 695 00:37:48,480 --> 00:37:50,719 Speaker 1: out there like I'm just miserable, and it's like and 696 00:37:50,760 --> 00:37:53,200 Speaker 1: I always say, like, well, try therapy, try things, and 697 00:37:53,480 --> 00:37:56,400 Speaker 1: but it's like, what is y'all's advice for you know? 698 00:37:56,760 --> 00:37:59,960 Speaker 1: When to go the opposite way of being a go giver? 699 00:38:00,840 --> 00:38:03,680 Speaker 1: I guess in the in the in our book the 700 00:38:03,920 --> 00:38:06,239 Speaker 1: five Secrets there Lasting Love, the first four secrets are 701 00:38:06,239 --> 00:38:08,440 Speaker 1: really all about being generous with your with your partner. 702 00:38:08,960 --> 00:38:11,600 Speaker 1: The fifth secret is about being generous with yourself. And 703 00:38:11,640 --> 00:38:13,200 Speaker 1: I just want to say about your you know that 704 00:38:14,120 --> 00:38:17,359 Speaker 1: it is absolutely being a go giver when it's when 705 00:38:17,440 --> 00:38:20,040 Speaker 1: when it's time to take care of yourself. Say it 706 00:38:20,080 --> 00:38:23,240 Speaker 1: this way. Being a go giver is not contradicting, doesn't 707 00:38:23,280 --> 00:38:27,240 Speaker 1: contradict being a go giver to yourself, giving to yourself 708 00:38:27,320 --> 00:38:29,439 Speaker 1: what you need, taking care of yourself. If you don't 709 00:38:29,480 --> 00:38:32,360 Speaker 1: take care of yourself, then you're no good to anybody 710 00:38:32,360 --> 00:38:36,200 Speaker 1: else anyhow. So it's it's it's part and parcel of 711 00:38:36,680 --> 00:38:40,399 Speaker 1: this whole cycle of giving. UM. And the only other 712 00:38:40,400 --> 00:38:45,000 Speaker 1: thing I'll say is that UM, when I sat down 713 00:38:45,040 --> 00:38:48,480 Speaker 1: with the therapist, with my with my my former wife, UM, 714 00:38:48,560 --> 00:38:50,600 Speaker 1: when I realized we were we were in serious trouble. 715 00:38:50,760 --> 00:38:52,680 Speaker 1: I went to the local university and I got the 716 00:38:52,680 --> 00:38:54,279 Speaker 1: head of this echology department and said, I want the 717 00:38:54,320 --> 00:38:56,439 Speaker 1: best therapist in this in the city. So we got him. 718 00:38:56,680 --> 00:39:00,000 Speaker 1: We sat down with him, fantastic guy. And his first appointment, 719 00:39:00,040 --> 00:39:02,040 Speaker 1: he said, I want you to know that I'm an 720 00:39:02,080 --> 00:39:07,680 Speaker 1: expert at putting marriages back together. However, if we determine 721 00:39:08,080 --> 00:39:10,640 Speaker 1: that there's we're at the point of no return, I 722 00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:15,000 Speaker 1: am also an expert at taking marriages apart. I like 723 00:39:15,120 --> 00:39:17,799 Speaker 1: this guy because he doesn't have a horse in this race. 724 00:39:17,800 --> 00:39:21,319 Speaker 1: He's here for us. When we reached the point where 725 00:39:21,320 --> 00:39:23,720 Speaker 1: it was clear that we needed to put to to 726 00:39:23,760 --> 00:39:26,719 Speaker 1: take the marriage apart, was when it was clear that 727 00:39:26,800 --> 00:39:32,920 Speaker 1: we weren't both on the page of being allowing to 728 00:39:32,960 --> 00:39:35,880 Speaker 1: the other person of some give and take. There was 729 00:39:35,960 --> 00:39:38,880 Speaker 1: there was There was no given, no take in in 730 00:39:39,000 --> 00:39:42,799 Speaker 1: the negotiation. It's like word a brick wall. But here 731 00:39:42,800 --> 00:39:48,480 Speaker 1: I turned it over to my more erudite partner and wife. Well, 732 00:39:48,520 --> 00:39:51,239 Speaker 1: I'll tell you. One of the secrets in our book 733 00:39:51,280 --> 00:39:55,800 Speaker 1: addresses all issues of codependence, and codependence is is really 734 00:39:55,880 --> 00:39:59,520 Speaker 1: in a nutshell somebody telling you and or acting out 735 00:39:59,560 --> 00:40:01,799 Speaker 1: in their behavior, telling you that you are either too 736 00:40:01,920 --> 00:40:06,200 Speaker 1: much or not enough. You know. And when somebody is 737 00:40:06,360 --> 00:40:11,359 Speaker 1: constantly telling you, you know, I love you, but I'd 738 00:40:11,400 --> 00:40:13,479 Speaker 1: love you more if you lost thirty five pounds because 739 00:40:13,480 --> 00:40:15,560 Speaker 1: I'm really not attracted to you the way you are, 740 00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:20,000 Speaker 1: It's like bingo. You know this is not okay. Um, 741 00:40:20,000 --> 00:40:21,680 Speaker 1: Now that's not a reason to just shut the door 742 00:40:21,719 --> 00:40:23,880 Speaker 1: and end it. But I'll tell you the things that 743 00:40:23,960 --> 00:40:27,680 Speaker 1: I think are really serious red flags. And I'm a 744 00:40:27,719 --> 00:40:32,840 Speaker 1: great believer in couples therapy where where the both members 745 00:40:32,880 --> 00:40:34,480 Speaker 1: of the couple are willing to get in for a 746 00:40:34,560 --> 00:40:37,200 Speaker 1: year and I mean a year of get down and 747 00:40:37,239 --> 00:40:42,040 Speaker 1: get dirty. Because guys come with as many childhood wounds 748 00:40:42,560 --> 00:40:47,080 Speaker 1: as women in a heartbeat, often more guys are brutalized 749 00:40:47,120 --> 00:40:50,160 Speaker 1: by their fathers at times when their kids, and they 750 00:40:50,239 --> 00:40:52,719 Speaker 1: become this tough guy because everyone tells them not to 751 00:40:52,760 --> 00:40:55,720 Speaker 1: be a sissy. But what what you see walking around 752 00:40:55,719 --> 00:40:57,560 Speaker 1: in America and you see it in guys that have 753 00:40:57,680 --> 00:41:01,920 Speaker 1: sex addiction, pornography addiction, they have working out at the 754 00:41:01,960 --> 00:41:05,080 Speaker 1: gym too much addiction, they have computer addictions, they have 755 00:41:05,200 --> 00:41:08,799 Speaker 1: all kinds of addictions because they don't feel good enough 756 00:41:09,840 --> 00:41:15,920 Speaker 1: as they are exactly success addiction. And they have terrible 757 00:41:16,040 --> 00:41:19,840 Speaker 1: childhood wounds. And it's called covert depression. And if you 758 00:41:19,880 --> 00:41:22,560 Speaker 1: want to read a phenomenal book on it, I'll recommend 759 00:41:22,600 --> 00:41:25,160 Speaker 1: one that's not ours. It's called I Don't want to 760 00:41:25,200 --> 00:41:29,520 Speaker 1: Talk About It by Terrence Really okay, talk about it? 761 00:41:29,640 --> 00:41:33,600 Speaker 1: And yeah, I don't want to talk about It's a 762 00:41:33,719 --> 00:41:37,680 Speaker 1: brilliant title. And he's a brilliant therapist and um and 763 00:41:38,400 --> 00:41:41,120 Speaker 1: I've studied with him. A lot of other therapists around 764 00:41:41,120 --> 00:41:43,120 Speaker 1: the country have studied with him, and they're a therapists 765 00:41:43,120 --> 00:41:46,240 Speaker 1: all over the country that teach and work with his methods. 766 00:41:46,680 --> 00:41:48,800 Speaker 1: He will get right in the middle of your marriage 767 00:41:48,800 --> 00:41:51,400 Speaker 1: and he will figure out who is casting the most 768 00:41:52,440 --> 00:41:56,959 Speaker 1: stuff on the wall immediately and basically dig right into 769 00:41:57,000 --> 00:41:59,920 Speaker 1: their childhood and find the elements that are hurting. I've 770 00:42:00,000 --> 00:42:03,040 Speaker 1: seen him take grown men who are totally arrogant and 771 00:42:03,160 --> 00:42:07,760 Speaker 1: totally narcissistic and totally brutes with their family, with their kids, 772 00:42:07,760 --> 00:42:10,560 Speaker 1: with their wife, and I've seen them level them two 773 00:42:10,600 --> 00:42:14,080 Speaker 1: tears and open up the can opener of deep, deep 774 00:42:14,560 --> 00:42:17,800 Speaker 1: abuse and depression from their childhood, and all of a sudden, 775 00:42:17,840 --> 00:42:21,440 Speaker 1: the father starts awakening to the fact that he's the 776 00:42:21,480 --> 00:42:24,360 Speaker 1: problem and all in the whole marriage starts to shift. 777 00:42:24,400 --> 00:42:27,200 Speaker 1: But it's a year long process. You know, you've got 778 00:42:27,200 --> 00:42:28,600 Speaker 1: to get in and you've got to be willing to 779 00:42:28,640 --> 00:42:30,960 Speaker 1: stay there. If people are willing to do that kind 780 00:42:30,960 --> 00:42:33,440 Speaker 1: of work, Um, there's great hope for their marriage. I 781 00:42:33,440 --> 00:42:37,680 Speaker 1: don't care what they've been through. However, if you're being 782 00:42:37,800 --> 00:42:41,920 Speaker 1: hit or physically abused by someone, these are not generally 783 00:42:42,000 --> 00:42:44,040 Speaker 1: people that are going to wake up to their wounds 784 00:42:44,200 --> 00:42:46,120 Speaker 1: or try to work on anything, because if they were 785 00:42:46,120 --> 00:42:48,319 Speaker 1: trying to work on things, they wouldn't be hitting you. 786 00:42:48,640 --> 00:42:52,040 Speaker 1: They'd be punching a wall instead. Um. But the minute 787 00:42:52,080 --> 00:42:54,760 Speaker 1: the abuse is aimed at you, you really want to 788 00:42:55,080 --> 00:42:57,880 Speaker 1: get to get to women and people around you and 789 00:42:58,040 --> 00:43:01,040 Speaker 1: find a way to get yourself, even get your kids, 790 00:43:01,200 --> 00:43:03,440 Speaker 1: because you don't want your kids witnessing that. You do 791 00:43:03,520 --> 00:43:07,720 Speaker 1: not want your children, um, viewing that kind of stuff. 792 00:43:08,160 --> 00:43:10,959 Speaker 1: You know, Alcoholism is a tough one. If people aren't 793 00:43:10,960 --> 00:43:13,600 Speaker 1: willing to get on the wagon. I've seen terrible things 794 00:43:13,640 --> 00:43:15,560 Speaker 1: go down in families where one or the other of 795 00:43:15,600 --> 00:43:19,920 Speaker 1: the marriage partners is drinking to excess and getting really 796 00:43:20,040 --> 00:43:23,560 Speaker 1: arrogant and aggressive, and you know, you see terrible behavior. 797 00:43:23,840 --> 00:43:26,200 Speaker 1: And if they are not willing to get on the 798 00:43:26,200 --> 00:43:28,799 Speaker 1: wagon and get into a twelve step program and do 799 00:43:28,840 --> 00:43:31,239 Speaker 1: the things that they need to get clean off of 800 00:43:31,320 --> 00:43:34,440 Speaker 1: drugs and alcohol, then it's time to walk. You know. 801 00:43:34,520 --> 00:43:36,839 Speaker 1: It's like, you have to take care of you, and 802 00:43:36,920 --> 00:43:39,279 Speaker 1: that is the fifth secret. The fifth secret is about 803 00:43:39,320 --> 00:43:43,840 Speaker 1: growing yourself, making and recognizing that in any good marriage, 804 00:43:44,280 --> 00:43:47,080 Speaker 1: the marriage itself is not going to feed you. You 805 00:43:47,120 --> 00:43:49,600 Speaker 1: have to feed you. You have to bring your best 806 00:43:49,640 --> 00:43:52,919 Speaker 1: self to the marriage, and so does your spouse. So 807 00:43:52,960 --> 00:43:56,160 Speaker 1: it's it's really about growing yourself and that is about 808 00:43:56,160 --> 00:43:59,680 Speaker 1: self respect. So you know, when the time is there, 809 00:44:00,080 --> 00:44:01,880 Speaker 1: get with the therapist. It will take them less in 810 00:44:01,920 --> 00:44:05,080 Speaker 1: a session for you to know it's time to move out. 811 00:44:06,880 --> 00:44:11,239 Speaker 1: That's really good advice. Although my little red flag meter 812 00:44:11,440 --> 00:44:14,920 Speaker 1: came up and well because so my ex had a 813 00:44:14,960 --> 00:44:16,960 Speaker 1: sex addiction, which is one of the reasons why you know, 814 00:44:17,000 --> 00:44:20,799 Speaker 1: I tried for six years to try to you know, 815 00:44:20,880 --> 00:44:22,920 Speaker 1: work there. We have two kids, and I tried everything 816 00:44:22,960 --> 00:44:25,480 Speaker 1: until the pattern just kept repeating and you know, had 817 00:44:25,520 --> 00:44:29,719 Speaker 1: to eventually throw in the towel. Unfortunately. Um yea, you know, 818 00:44:30,000 --> 00:44:36,720 Speaker 1: so in this you know, new early relationship, I'm definitely, um, 819 00:44:36,840 --> 00:44:40,000 Speaker 1: I have a lot of issues again now knowing a lot, 820 00:44:40,040 --> 00:44:41,480 Speaker 1: I mean because I've done a lot of work too. 821 00:44:41,520 --> 00:44:43,600 Speaker 1: I know a lot of it is childhood related and 822 00:44:44,320 --> 00:44:48,520 Speaker 1: trust and worth and enoughness and all that stuff, you know. 823 00:44:48,640 --> 00:44:51,680 Speaker 1: And then, uh, but something that you said, I was like, 824 00:44:51,680 --> 00:44:53,800 Speaker 1: oh my god, he works out all the time my 825 00:44:53,880 --> 00:44:56,160 Speaker 1: new boyfriend. Like I mean literally he's in the gym 826 00:44:56,280 --> 00:44:59,200 Speaker 1: and he's an X and he's a Navy seal um 827 00:45:00,000 --> 00:45:04,680 Speaker 1: so you know, Navy seal crossfitter. But then I'm like, oh, no, 828 00:45:04,800 --> 00:45:06,640 Speaker 1: Like is it because so now that he works out 829 00:45:06,680 --> 00:45:08,640 Speaker 1: every day, you know for a couple hours, like, does 830 00:45:08,640 --> 00:45:11,480 Speaker 1: he have a problem because And I'm like like, is 831 00:45:11,560 --> 00:45:13,680 Speaker 1: this like you know, and I know that he has 832 00:45:13,760 --> 00:45:15,640 Speaker 1: his you know, especially from what he does. It's like 833 00:45:15,680 --> 00:45:19,319 Speaker 1: he has this identity where you know, it's him not 834 00:45:19,360 --> 00:45:22,560 Speaker 1: being you know, overseas anymore and losing kind of his identity. 835 00:45:22,640 --> 00:45:25,600 Speaker 1: But it's like, I guess I'm just so worried about 836 00:45:25,680 --> 00:45:29,040 Speaker 1: something that will then repeat the pattern of the past again. 837 00:45:29,120 --> 00:45:30,960 Speaker 1: So now that just freaked me out. So if we 838 00:45:30,960 --> 00:45:33,400 Speaker 1: can help calm that or what I was something I 839 00:45:33,400 --> 00:45:36,680 Speaker 1: could say to him or like, and I would say, 840 00:45:36,719 --> 00:45:39,160 Speaker 1: that's your next topic with your therapist, just to talk 841 00:45:39,200 --> 00:45:43,000 Speaker 1: about the anxiety that that drove in you. Because it 842 00:45:43,080 --> 00:45:46,000 Speaker 1: doesn't mean you know, John's one of John's best friends 843 00:45:46,080 --> 00:45:48,279 Speaker 1: is a Navy seal. He's written like eight books with him, 844 00:45:48,719 --> 00:45:51,319 Speaker 1: a novel for example, well the novels, the novel they 845 00:45:51,320 --> 00:45:55,320 Speaker 1: wrote together as well. Um, so just because he's a 846 00:45:55,400 --> 00:45:57,840 Speaker 1: Navy seal and he's got that macho exterior and he 847 00:45:57,880 --> 00:46:00,000 Speaker 1: likes to work out, doesn't mean that that's an addiction. 848 00:46:00,000 --> 00:46:04,960 Speaker 1: And yes, most you know Brandon and other Navy seals, 849 00:46:04,960 --> 00:46:06,239 Speaker 1: I know they go to the gym every day. It 850 00:46:06,239 --> 00:46:09,680 Speaker 1: doesn't mean that they're depressed or that they have an addiction. Um, 851 00:46:09,760 --> 00:46:11,879 Speaker 1: you have to really measure it around what what's going 852 00:46:11,920 --> 00:46:13,320 Speaker 1: on in the rest of his life and how is 853 00:46:13,360 --> 00:46:17,960 Speaker 1: he doing and also you know, how able is he 854 00:46:18,080 --> 00:46:20,239 Speaker 1: to sort of let down his guard and be vulnerable 855 00:46:20,280 --> 00:46:21,799 Speaker 1: with you. Oh yeah, I know, We've we've had some 856 00:46:21,880 --> 00:46:25,520 Speaker 1: really good talks, like he's shared emotions and I mean, 857 00:46:25,560 --> 00:46:27,879 Speaker 1: I know he deals has some identity stuff that he's 858 00:46:27,880 --> 00:46:30,880 Speaker 1: working on, but being able to acknowledge it is like 859 00:46:30,920 --> 00:46:32,920 Speaker 1: I'm like, Okay, he's at least wanting to he can 860 00:46:32,960 --> 00:46:35,000 Speaker 1: see it, he can acknowledge it, he can you know, 861 00:46:35,640 --> 00:46:39,879 Speaker 1: express emotion. Um. But yeah, now that just like that's 862 00:46:39,880 --> 00:46:42,080 Speaker 1: heartwarming to hear. I mean, just that that little bit 863 00:46:42,120 --> 00:46:44,840 Speaker 1: that you just said. I've dealt with a lot of seals. 864 00:46:44,880 --> 00:46:46,879 Speaker 1: In the process of working writing all these books with 865 00:46:46,880 --> 00:46:48,960 Speaker 1: with my my buddy Brandon, I've gotten to know the 866 00:46:49,000 --> 00:46:51,000 Speaker 1: seal community really, really well. Talk with a lot of 867 00:46:51,120 --> 00:46:54,840 Speaker 1: families and and siblings and parents and partners. And there 868 00:46:54,880 --> 00:46:57,400 Speaker 1: seems to be two kinds of Special Ops guys. There's 869 00:46:57,840 --> 00:46:59,720 Speaker 1: the spec Ops guys who get out of the service 870 00:47:00,520 --> 00:47:04,600 Speaker 1: and make the leap to civilian life and find meaning 871 00:47:04,640 --> 00:47:06,960 Speaker 1: in civilian life. And there's a lot of guys who 872 00:47:07,040 --> 00:47:09,839 Speaker 1: can't quite make the leap. And you know, they're kind 873 00:47:09,840 --> 00:47:12,120 Speaker 1: of like like the guys sitting in the living rooms 874 00:47:12,120 --> 00:47:13,680 Speaker 1: who were trying to relive their high school or the 875 00:47:13,719 --> 00:47:15,239 Speaker 1: college years. Is saying, you know, the rest of life 876 00:47:15,280 --> 00:47:18,480 Speaker 1: is downhill. And when when somebody can't make that leap 877 00:47:19,120 --> 00:47:21,239 Speaker 1: to civilian life, and to finding a new meaning in 878 00:47:21,239 --> 00:47:23,040 Speaker 1: a new career, in a new path. That it's very 879 00:47:23,120 --> 00:47:25,720 Speaker 1: very tough to get, you know, to get through that wall. 880 00:47:26,280 --> 00:47:28,279 Speaker 1: But if it's if it's a guy who's you know, 881 00:47:28,320 --> 00:47:29,799 Speaker 1: who's come out of that world and now he's in 882 00:47:29,840 --> 00:47:32,920 Speaker 1: this world and he's he's opening up to you and 883 00:47:32,960 --> 00:47:34,759 Speaker 1: seeing things that he has to be working with and 884 00:47:34,800 --> 00:47:38,440 Speaker 1: sharing films, that's that's phenomenal because there's no one as 885 00:47:38,440 --> 00:47:41,200 Speaker 1: deep as a specups guy, and these guys often have 886 00:47:41,560 --> 00:47:46,640 Speaker 1: really tremendous depth of thinking and character and intellectual capacity 887 00:47:46,680 --> 00:47:48,960 Speaker 1: and they were not just macho fighting g I Joe's 888 00:47:49,640 --> 00:47:52,560 Speaker 1: um is my experience anyhow. Yeah, Yeah, they have to 889 00:47:52,560 --> 00:47:55,440 Speaker 1: have brilliant intelligence just to make it, because the stuff 890 00:47:55,480 --> 00:47:58,560 Speaker 1: they have to do once they're out in the field, 891 00:47:58,800 --> 00:48:03,520 Speaker 1: I mean it's really high level. I mean yeah, they 892 00:48:03,520 --> 00:48:06,600 Speaker 1: have to make calculations on a on a moment's notice 893 00:48:06,640 --> 00:48:10,359 Speaker 1: that are very very high functioning. So yeah, they're they 894 00:48:10,400 --> 00:48:14,120 Speaker 1: tend to be a cut above in terms of their intelligence. Yeah, 895 00:48:14,200 --> 00:48:17,840 Speaker 1: so I would you know, I would also just question, 896 00:48:18,200 --> 00:48:21,200 Speaker 1: you know, it, does his he ever considered therapy because 897 00:48:21,560 --> 00:48:25,680 Speaker 1: you know, he goes to my therapies place too. Okay, Yeah, 898 00:48:25,800 --> 00:48:31,719 Speaker 1: because I just my therapists out to people. Theist he 899 00:48:31,719 --> 00:48:34,840 Speaker 1: doesn't see in my therapist. He sees that he my therapist. Like, 900 00:48:35,120 --> 00:48:39,680 Speaker 1: we can't do that, So I'm smart. That's that's good 901 00:48:39,680 --> 00:48:42,360 Speaker 1: boundaries on her part. So she's a great she's a 902 00:48:42,440 --> 00:48:45,359 Speaker 1: great therapist. Yeah, really important. Even the I can no 903 00:48:45,400 --> 00:48:49,200 Speaker 1: longer I cannot say or deny, you know, it's good boundaries. Yeah. 904 00:48:49,239 --> 00:48:51,120 Speaker 1: You know. I told her one day that we're just 905 00:48:51,120 --> 00:48:52,960 Speaker 1: gonna all show up, like all you know, three of 906 00:48:52,960 --> 00:48:55,600 Speaker 1: my best friends, that I'll have her. So we're still 907 00:48:55,640 --> 00:48:57,200 Speaker 1: just going to show up and just make her life 908 00:48:57,200 --> 00:49:03,280 Speaker 1: outward I uncomfortable. Love to make uncomfortable. Um. Well yeah, okay, 909 00:49:03,360 --> 00:49:05,440 Speaker 1: this is this is good. It's all good. This is 910 00:49:05,440 --> 00:49:08,520 Speaker 1: a very good information. Um. I could feel like I 911 00:49:08,520 --> 00:49:10,759 Speaker 1: could talk to you guys like forever. I love all 912 00:49:10,800 --> 00:49:14,399 Speaker 1: the insight. Um, but we can. We can pre order 913 00:49:15,320 --> 00:49:17,200 Speaker 1: um the book now and then when does it actually 914 00:49:17,239 --> 00:49:21,880 Speaker 1: come out March eight? This is so exciting, you guys. 915 00:49:23,760 --> 00:49:27,640 Speaker 1: We've never written a book together before I published. This 916 00:49:27,680 --> 00:49:29,920 Speaker 1: is our first one together, and it's also the first 917 00:49:29,960 --> 00:49:31,799 Speaker 1: time we've ever like going on the road and on 918 00:49:31,840 --> 00:49:34,239 Speaker 1: a promotional tour like this together. So this is just 919 00:49:34,520 --> 00:49:36,640 Speaker 1: we're having a blast. This is like the sixth secret. 920 00:49:37,800 --> 00:49:41,120 Speaker 1: No no, no, no. Me and my ex wrote off together. 921 00:49:41,480 --> 00:49:43,560 Speaker 1: We wrote a book with a New York Times bestseller 922 00:49:43,760 --> 00:49:46,680 Speaker 1: and to the a couple of chapters were not very 923 00:49:46,719 --> 00:49:49,279 Speaker 1: honest from him and come to find out, yep, and 924 00:49:49,320 --> 00:49:51,520 Speaker 1: then yeah, and then we got divorced very soon after. 925 00:49:51,800 --> 00:49:53,600 Speaker 1: Um when it came out, and I was like, Wow, 926 00:49:54,440 --> 00:49:56,640 Speaker 1: the good fight. But I'm doing the good fight by 927 00:49:56,640 --> 00:50:01,360 Speaker 1: myself now. I'm like, so, you guys are gonna do 928 00:50:01,400 --> 00:50:03,560 Speaker 1: great though. You guys, you guys got way more experienced, 929 00:50:03,920 --> 00:50:08,360 Speaker 1: way more years. You seem like a good guy. And 930 00:50:08,080 --> 00:50:11,480 Speaker 1: the Five Secrets, the Five Secrets. The thing about the 931 00:50:11,520 --> 00:50:14,880 Speaker 1: Five Secrets is that they're really designed to be something 932 00:50:14,880 --> 00:50:17,960 Speaker 1: that you can employ in minutes a day. And so 933 00:50:18,120 --> 00:50:21,040 Speaker 1: if you dissect each secret and really understand it in 934 00:50:21,080 --> 00:50:22,880 Speaker 1: the second half of the book, the first half is 935 00:50:22,920 --> 00:50:25,319 Speaker 1: the parable. The second half of the book is called 936 00:50:25,320 --> 00:50:28,880 Speaker 1: the Practice and and basically it's the half that I 937 00:50:28,920 --> 00:50:31,440 Speaker 1: wrote that goes in depth into each secret and what 938 00:50:31,480 --> 00:50:33,920 Speaker 1: it means, why it's there, and also what it's opposite 939 00:50:34,040 --> 00:50:39,160 Speaker 1: is the opposite of appreciation is criticism, and criticism will 940 00:50:39,239 --> 00:50:42,560 Speaker 1: kill a marriage. I mean, kill it dead as a doornail. 941 00:50:43,160 --> 00:50:46,399 Speaker 1: And so if criticism is just a constant and your 942 00:50:46,400 --> 00:50:49,360 Speaker 1: brain gets in a loop, you know, if you're criticizing constantly, 943 00:50:49,440 --> 00:50:52,400 Speaker 1: you're looking for things to criticism, you know, to criticize, 944 00:50:52,440 --> 00:50:54,920 Speaker 1: which what is that? Because it's like I've I've I know, 945 00:50:55,000 --> 00:50:58,399 Speaker 1: I've done that and I even caught myself like doing it, 946 00:50:58,480 --> 00:51:01,560 Speaker 1: just being saying in my relationship now. But it's like 947 00:51:01,719 --> 00:51:04,560 Speaker 1: it's just an It's it's looking inside of us that right, 948 00:51:04,600 --> 00:51:06,480 Speaker 1: it's something that they're actually doing. It's more of like 949 00:51:06,600 --> 00:51:10,919 Speaker 1: my unsatisfaction with myself and what I'm doing right. It's 950 00:51:10,960 --> 00:51:12,759 Speaker 1: also and I just want to bring it back to 951 00:51:12,800 --> 00:51:16,320 Speaker 1: the things that you said about childhood wounds. I find 952 00:51:16,360 --> 00:51:18,319 Speaker 1: that for myself as a woman, and I see it 953 00:51:18,360 --> 00:51:20,399 Speaker 1: in a lot of women that I that I work with. 954 00:51:21,120 --> 00:51:24,520 Speaker 1: UM Control is one of our big issues. We want 955 00:51:24,560 --> 00:51:28,600 Speaker 1: to control the universe, and in trying to control the universe, 956 00:51:28,600 --> 00:51:31,120 Speaker 1: we're trying to make everybody do things the way we 957 00:51:31,239 --> 00:51:34,239 Speaker 1: think they should be done. And that's where the criticism 958 00:51:34,239 --> 00:51:37,080 Speaker 1: sneaks in. It's like, you know, Han, I really would 959 00:51:37,120 --> 00:51:39,640 Speaker 1: like it if you could just hang that that that 960 00:51:39,760 --> 00:51:42,200 Speaker 1: towel up in the kitchen. It doesn't deserve to just 961 00:51:42,280 --> 00:51:44,600 Speaker 1: lay on the on the counter, you know. I mean, 962 00:51:44,600 --> 00:51:47,440 Speaker 1: it's like it's such a stupid thing to comment on, 963 00:51:47,640 --> 00:51:50,520 Speaker 1: but it's that little niggly like, you know, let me 964 00:51:50,560 --> 00:51:53,160 Speaker 1: pick apart until everything's done the way I like it. 965 00:51:53,239 --> 00:51:55,960 Speaker 1: I like the kitchen floor always swept every night after dinner. 966 00:51:56,320 --> 00:51:58,360 Speaker 1: You know, it's like, is that my issue or is 967 00:51:58,360 --> 00:52:01,480 Speaker 1: it John's in my issue? It's by issue, so I 968 00:52:01,480 --> 00:52:04,200 Speaker 1: don't ever bring it to him. I just want it swept, 969 00:52:05,080 --> 00:52:07,880 Speaker 1: so I do it, you know. But it's it's like, 970 00:52:08,920 --> 00:52:11,160 Speaker 1: you know, there's just all these ways I think that, 971 00:52:11,360 --> 00:52:13,880 Speaker 1: especially if we have wounds from our childhood where we 972 00:52:13,920 --> 00:52:17,120 Speaker 1: had any parents who were unreliable, and we all had 973 00:52:17,400 --> 00:52:20,640 Speaker 1: parents or early boyfriends or people who were just totally unreliable. 974 00:52:20,680 --> 00:52:24,239 Speaker 1: Your ex was unreliable, you know, a whole different, negative, 975 00:52:24,600 --> 00:52:28,040 Speaker 1: not true scenario was going down while you were living 976 00:52:28,080 --> 00:52:31,200 Speaker 1: with him, and you know that is enough to just 977 00:52:31,520 --> 00:52:35,520 Speaker 1: take your trust and implode it. So be gentle with 978 00:52:35,560 --> 00:52:39,480 Speaker 1: yourself and recognize that, yes, the opposite of appreciation is control, 979 00:52:40,080 --> 00:52:45,040 Speaker 1: but you can switch the loop to appreciation and and 980 00:52:45,040 --> 00:52:49,080 Speaker 1: and not from criticism and control so when you can 981 00:52:49,120 --> 00:52:52,279 Speaker 1: take it and start appreciating him multiple times a day, 982 00:52:52,680 --> 00:52:55,440 Speaker 1: you're going to find that he warms up in the 983 00:52:55,440 --> 00:52:58,359 Speaker 1: whole tone of the relationship changes and your brain will 984 00:52:58,400 --> 00:53:01,960 Speaker 1: get accustomed to the positive not the negative one. It 985 00:53:02,040 --> 00:53:05,200 Speaker 1: really is a habit. Well, I'm getting this book. I 986 00:53:05,239 --> 00:53:06,640 Speaker 1: know it's his marriage, but to me, it's the go 987 00:53:06,760 --> 00:53:09,799 Speaker 1: giver relationship because I think it's important, you know, in 988 00:53:09,840 --> 00:53:14,959 Speaker 1: a relationship with you know, friendships, with marriages, with partnerships. 989 00:53:15,000 --> 00:53:17,399 Speaker 1: So um, I'm so excited to read your book. I'm 990 00:53:17,440 --> 00:53:21,160 Speaker 1: so happy for you guys. Congratulations on joining forces and 991 00:53:21,160 --> 00:53:22,960 Speaker 1: and what you guys love and do. And just thank 992 00:53:23,000 --> 00:53:27,439 Speaker 1: you for bringing your knowledge and um, your insight to 993 00:53:27,440 --> 00:53:32,480 Speaker 1: to our podcast. I really appreciate it, and thank you 994 00:53:32,560 --> 00:53:34,480 Speaker 1: so much. I just want to say, I'm just going 995 00:53:34,520 --> 00:53:37,399 Speaker 1: to say that we've just found out why your why 996 00:53:37,480 --> 00:53:39,040 Speaker 1: your show is so popular. I mean, this has just 997 00:53:39,080 --> 00:53:42,000 Speaker 1: been a lovely conversation. Thank you so much. I really appreciate, 998 00:53:42,480 --> 00:53:44,759 Speaker 1: thank you so much. Thank you so much, Gus, appreciate 999 00:53:44,760 --> 00:54:00,640 Speaker 1: you have a good one. Thank you here, Okay, bye O. 1000 00:54:02,160 --> 00:54:05,360 Speaker 1: So sweet. I love them. I feel like I've just 1001 00:54:05,400 --> 00:54:09,080 Speaker 1: gone through therapy again. Yeah, you're good. I'm good. I'm good. 1002 00:54:09,239 --> 00:54:13,680 Speaker 1: I'm so proud of you though, I'm so freaking proud 1003 00:54:13,719 --> 00:54:17,160 Speaker 1: of you, Like you're just like you're emoting emotion and 1004 00:54:17,160 --> 00:54:20,839 Speaker 1: you're feeling so emotional this week. But I'm so it's 1005 00:54:21,080 --> 00:54:24,360 Speaker 1: proud of you. Thank you. I appreciate it, like really 1006 00:54:24,400 --> 00:54:26,440 Speaker 1: like you're working through it because I know it's probably 1007 00:54:26,480 --> 00:54:29,800 Speaker 1: like it's like some of it just like confusion because 1008 00:54:29,800 --> 00:54:31,600 Speaker 1: you're like, why am I emotional? I don't know. I'm 1009 00:54:31,600 --> 00:54:35,400 Speaker 1: almost like yeah, I mean I definitely like everything she 1010 00:54:35,520 --> 00:54:37,560 Speaker 1: said and everything. I mean it makes sense like I've 1011 00:54:37,640 --> 00:54:41,040 Speaker 1: got to work through childhood traumas. I get it. But yeah, 1012 00:54:41,080 --> 00:54:44,240 Speaker 1: it's confusing, Yeah, especially when I'm not used to being vulnerable. 1013 00:54:44,320 --> 00:54:46,680 Speaker 1: So I'm like, why am I? Why am I crying? 1014 00:54:46,920 --> 00:54:50,560 Speaker 1: You know? So? Yeah, that was good. I really I 1015 00:54:50,600 --> 00:54:54,319 Speaker 1: really enjoyed them. I'm excited about the book too. Um, 1016 00:54:54,400 --> 00:54:57,680 Speaker 1: very excited. What do people wanting? Well, I asked people. Yeah, 1017 00:54:57,920 --> 00:55:01,640 Speaker 1: the last we got like two minutes. Everything is about Ian. 1018 00:55:01,680 --> 00:55:03,279 Speaker 1: Where is he and why is he? And around like 1019 00:55:03,680 --> 00:55:06,640 Speaker 1: does he live with you? Um? Are you married? And 1020 00:55:06,680 --> 00:55:15,120 Speaker 1: do you have children? Oh? Um? When can we expect 1021 00:55:15,120 --> 00:55:18,920 Speaker 1: a new single new follower? It just came out. It's 1022 00:55:18,960 --> 00:55:23,319 Speaker 1: called the story. Um, okay, this is a good one. 1023 00:55:23,400 --> 00:55:25,279 Speaker 1: How do you find your passions? And feeling stuck in 1024 00:55:25,280 --> 00:55:27,319 Speaker 1: life and I don't know what I love? I think 1025 00:55:27,320 --> 00:55:29,480 Speaker 1: that's a really good one. I think a lot of 1026 00:55:29,560 --> 00:55:31,759 Speaker 1: people probably feel that way. What do you do because 1027 00:55:31,760 --> 00:55:33,960 Speaker 1: I have? Yeah, I struggle with that. I mean, I 1028 00:55:33,960 --> 00:55:37,759 Speaker 1: think it's hard because, first of all, I think for me, 1029 00:55:37,960 --> 00:55:40,200 Speaker 1: work is a passion. But I feel like a lot 1030 00:55:40,200 --> 00:55:42,600 Speaker 1: of people don't work in their passion, you know what 1031 00:55:42,600 --> 00:55:45,359 Speaker 1: I mean. They're not passionate about their work. Yes, yes, yes, yes. 1032 00:55:45,400 --> 00:55:47,640 Speaker 1: But then outside of that, that's tough. It's like always 1033 00:55:47,640 --> 00:55:49,960 Speaker 1: say I need to get a hobby. That's what I need. 1034 00:55:50,000 --> 00:55:51,720 Speaker 1: I need a hobby because my passion is my kids 1035 00:55:51,760 --> 00:55:55,239 Speaker 1: and like and working. I love. I love what we do. 1036 00:55:55,440 --> 00:55:56,920 Speaker 1: Then it's like, I think my thing is where I'm 1037 00:55:56,920 --> 00:56:00,520 Speaker 1: struggling is like, what's my identity? Yeah, that's a tough one. 1038 00:56:01,120 --> 00:56:02,480 Speaker 1: I can't even go down the loop. We only got 1039 00:56:02,520 --> 00:56:09,120 Speaker 1: two minutes. That's another time, another story, an easier question. Um, 1040 00:56:09,239 --> 00:56:12,279 Speaker 1: advice and going through a breakup. You'll be fine in 1041 00:56:12,280 --> 00:56:18,120 Speaker 1: a few months. Just you've become you become all your friends, 1042 00:56:18,520 --> 00:56:21,560 Speaker 1: You'll be fine'll be fine. The light in the tunnel, 1043 00:56:21,640 --> 00:56:24,000 Speaker 1: you'll see it. No, you're you broke up for a 1044 00:56:24,040 --> 00:56:28,960 Speaker 1: reason and find out like you're gonna get You're gonna 1045 00:56:29,040 --> 00:56:31,080 Speaker 1: learn so much about yourself, and then you'll realize why 1046 00:56:31,120 --> 00:56:33,959 Speaker 1: you broke up. What's your favorite color? What's your color? 1047 00:56:34,239 --> 00:56:39,120 Speaker 1: I don't know that truckoise? Do same? Or were you 1048 00:56:39,160 --> 00:56:41,439 Speaker 1: just telling me mine? No? That's mine? Okay, I'm mine too. 1049 00:56:42,520 --> 00:56:46,600 Speaker 1: I've heard. How do I deal with the tantrums? I 1050 00:56:46,719 --> 00:56:54,080 Speaker 1: scream really loud outside for the oh, not in front 1051 00:56:54,120 --> 00:56:56,120 Speaker 1: of the Why haven't you signed a record label because 1052 00:56:56,160 --> 00:57:03,279 Speaker 1: nobody wants me? Stop? Um? Okay, one last question. I'm 1053 00:57:03,320 --> 00:57:07,360 Speaker 1: gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. Stop. There's so many. 1054 00:57:08,040 --> 00:57:10,880 Speaker 1: How's it going with your boyfriend? Do you want more children? 1055 00:57:10,920 --> 00:57:12,560 Speaker 1: Have you met like this? Are all the same? Are 1056 00:57:12,560 --> 00:57:15,320 Speaker 1: you okay? You seem sad? You know? Are you okay? 1057 00:57:15,360 --> 00:57:23,320 Speaker 1: I'm good? Good, I'm okay, I'm okay. All right, we're done, 1058 00:57:23,320 --> 00:57:26,080 Speaker 1: We're gone. Um. I love you guys, See you next week. 1059 00:57:26,200 --> 00:57:26,520 Speaker 1: See you