Speaker 1: Here there, folks. It is Thursday, March twenty six, and
Speaker 1: don't you love a good compliment? Doesn't it always feel
Speaker 1: good when somebody says to you, Wow, you look great.
Speaker 1: But does it change when they add to the end
Speaker 1: of that for your age with that? Welcome to this
Speaker 1: episode of Amy and TJ. The subject has come up
Speaker 1: because of Howie Mandel. We will get into all that,
Speaker 1: but let me start off the top. Is it for
Speaker 1: you robes immediately automatically an insult if someone says you
Speaker 1: look good for your age.
Speaker 2: Look, I don't think anybody wants to hear that last
Speaker 2: for your age. And I don't know why you have
Speaker 2: to say that. I think just saying you look good
Speaker 2: is good enough. But when it's around your age, when
Speaker 2: you're talking about your age and then that comes up, Yeah,
Speaker 2: it's you now have You're not being compared to either
Speaker 2: your former self or someone. It just it doesn't feel
Speaker 2: like a compliment when someone says that.
Speaker 1: Okay, Well, Howie Mandel didn't think it was a compliment either.
Speaker 1: Earlier this week, he was a guest on Live with
Speaker 1: Kelly and Mark. I was still about to say.
Speaker 2: Really, Regius, Well, I mean, honestly, it flows, I'd get it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, but hard to say Kelly and Mark, he's on,
Speaker 1: of course, Howy Mendel was seventy years old? By the way,
Speaker 1: can we just say he looks good?
Speaker 2: He does look good.
Speaker 1: How he looks good? I like the look he has
Speaker 1: with the goate he's been using this past several years.
Speaker 1: No hair, the glasses is working for him. You know what.
Speaker 2: He reminds me of like Jeff Goldbloom. Just cool. He's
Speaker 2: like getting cooler with age, like actually like comfortable in
Speaker 2: his own skin, knows his style and yeah, and just looks.
Speaker 1: Good and still hip, appropriately hip, right, not trying too hard.
Speaker 1: God looks great. So he's on. I'm not even sure
Speaker 1: what he was promoting. And we're gonna play this for
Speaker 1: you now. But you've seen a lot of headlines possibly
Speaker 1: that he got into it with the hosts because they
Speaker 1: were complimenting him, Robes especially saying you look great. How
Speaker 1: old are you? They were complimenting that he looked so
Speaker 1: good for the age of seventy. He didn't take too
Speaker 1: kindly to that. So Robes, first, what impression should people
Speaker 1: have if they were just reading the headlines and didn't
Speaker 1: hear it?
Speaker 2: It sounded like, and in fact, some of the headlines
Speaker 2: suggest it was awkward. It was tense, it was uncomfortable.
Speaker 2: So when we went to go watch it, I thought, Wow,
Speaker 2: this is gonna be this is gonna be something. This
Speaker 2: is going to be awkward. That's how it read. When
Speaker 2: you just read the headlines or read some of the
Speaker 2: articles that were written about it.
Speaker 1: Someone were kind of vicious. I mean, we're the point
Speaker 1: you thought they got into it.
Speaker 2: It sounded like from what we read that Howie Mandel
Speaker 2: gave it to Kelly and Mark like actually like serve
Speaker 2: them some angry words.
Speaker 1: Okay, we're gonna play it for you now look some
Speaker 1: of those headlines. Obviously we're a little clickbaity, but we're
Speaker 1: gonna let you hear it. Now. The story here, Yes,
Speaker 1: it's about how and what happened in this moment you're
Speaker 1: about to hear, but has really sparked a very interesting
Speaker 1: co versation about compliments and backhanded compliments. But here is
Speaker 1: Howie Mendel in the exchange with Kelly and Mark earlier
Speaker 1: this week.
Speaker 2: Seventy years yes, seventy years old, Yes I'm seventy. How
Speaker 2: does any sense?
Speaker 1: What do you mean? It doesn't I look great. That
Speaker 1: doesn't mean anything.
Speaker 2: No, I mean.
Speaker 1: No, no, no, no. I don't like that because that's
Speaker 1: a caveat when you say you're Because he tells somebody
Speaker 1: you're seventy and they go, you look great.
Speaker 2: You're not saying you look great for seventy, Yes you are,
Speaker 2: without saying yeah, seventy, I'm saying you look great. I'm
Speaker 2: saying that I don't believe your set.
Speaker 1: No, no, I'm saying no. It's like saying you're smart
Speaker 1: for a stupid person. Yeah, oh you look smart. You
Speaker 1: seem smart. You see.
Speaker 2: I don't look good.
Speaker 1: No, you do look good, Thank you. Okay. Your impression
Speaker 1: after hearing it Robes was what.
Speaker 2: It sounded a little more wink wink, nod, nod, jovial.
Speaker 2: I think Howie was a little annoyed, but he also
Speaker 2: decided to lean into it and spend some humor around it.
Speaker 1: I thought he was being a comedian, that was my impression,
Speaker 1: and he went hard and sometimes comedians sometimes they're deadpan,
Speaker 1: and he was kind of not laughing about it. I
Speaker 1: didn't was the question wrong? Was the response wrong? I
Speaker 1: shouldn't say wrong? But did you take would you have
Speaker 1: done either? One differently. Would you have asked the question differently?
Speaker 1: Would you have answered it differently? That's my question.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so I think, look what when Kelly basically just
Speaker 2: said that doesn't make any sense? It kind of felt
Speaker 2: like feigned surprise. And I don't think he liked that, like,
Speaker 2: come on, what do you mean it doesn't make any sense?
Speaker 2: Like that was annoying to him when people feigned surprised
Speaker 2: like I think he was irritated by it. So she
Speaker 2: probably could have just said you look great now. In
Speaker 2: defense of what she said, I think she did a
Speaker 2: good job of explaining, no, you look great and it's
Speaker 2: hard to believe you're seventy. I think that's a compliment.
Speaker 2: I understand why it can feel offensive, and he he
Speaker 2: went a little hard, but I do think he was
Speaker 2: doing it for entertainment purposes.
Speaker 1: Yes, I'm with you there. I didn't find anything being
Speaker 1: spirited about what he did. Now, it did cause an
Speaker 1: awkward moment because he called them on it, and maybe
Speaker 1: we should all be called on it and think about
Speaker 1: how we speak to folks sometimes. I'm trying to examine
Speaker 1: that particular thing they said, because, to be honest with you, robes,
Speaker 1: there are a lot of people out there who do
Speaker 1: look great for their age. That is just wait, you're eighty.
Speaker 1: Most eighty year olds I see don't look like this.
Speaker 1: They're not out here running a marathon, that they don't
Speaker 1: have toned arms. Isn't it a real thing that factoring
Speaker 1: in someone's age adds to your wonder about how great
Speaker 1: they look look?
Speaker 2: And so I just want to say, I don't really
Speaker 2: take it personally, and I have had people say that
Speaker 2: to me. I think there's a similar thing people say,
Speaker 2: like younger, like twenty year old girls, if I look
Speaker 2: half as good as you do at your age, I'll
Speaker 2: be set. So it's there. I know it's a compliment,
Speaker 2: but I also think we have to be honest with
Speaker 2: ourselves and recognize that as you age, it does get
Speaker 2: harder to look better. You are fighting gravity, you are
Speaker 2: fighting cells that are damaged and declining, like you aren't
Speaker 2: your best, shiny, bright new self physically that you were
Speaker 2: ten years ago, twenty years ago. That's just the truth.
Speaker 2: So I kind of look at it as as a
Speaker 2: compliment because it's almost earned, Like you've worked hard, you've
Speaker 2: taken care of yourself, you've eaten right, you've exercised, you
Speaker 2: take time to make sure you present yourself a certain way.
Speaker 2: You haven't let yourself go, you haven't given up. So
Speaker 2: I actually think it is a compliment. But I can
Speaker 2: understand why it can feel offensive.
Speaker 1: You think it is a compliment, but you see why
Speaker 1: it could be offensive, Yes, but you aren't offended by it.
Speaker 2: Correct. That's exactly where I fall on it. How would
Speaker 2: you feel if someone said that to you.
Speaker 1: I don't really know. I'm thinking. I can't remember times
Speaker 1: where I get I get it a lot when it
Speaker 1: has to do with my frankly, my weight, my physique.
Speaker 1: I'm still the almost the same weight I was in
Speaker 1: junior high school. That is a true story. So I
Speaker 1: get that sometimes, certainly from uncles, like how are you
Speaker 1: You don't have your your stomach's not out, you're forty.
Speaker 1: How are you doing? Yeah, I hear that. Sometimes I
Speaker 1: think that is a compliment. I don't know. I'm questioning
Speaker 1: how to speak to other people when I see them
Speaker 1: and I think someone looks great, Wow, she looks good today.
Speaker 1: He looks good today. What he's seventy four? That's a
Speaker 1: It almost adds to it. But robes if you didn't
Speaker 1: know that person was seventy four, but they still alicit
Speaker 1: a compliment from you about how good they look, right
Speaker 1: or is it only in the context of their age.
Speaker 2: It's probably both. And look, I think what I've always
Speaker 2: tried to do, and I know not everybody wants to
Speaker 2: give this grace, and I get that, but I always
Speaker 2: try to reckon knives or at least incorporate in my
Speaker 2: reaction their intention. And you can tell if someone means
Speaker 2: it as a complient, intends it to be a compliment,
Speaker 2: even if it doesn't feel like one, when you see
Speaker 2: that they're actually trying to give you a complient. I
Speaker 2: give people a break. I understand people have said things
Speaker 2: that you're like, wow, that actually is so offensive, but
Speaker 2: I know you didn't mean it that way, and so
Speaker 2: you just let it go. But it is something to note.
Speaker 2: I think when you see something like this, or you
Speaker 2: hear in exchange like this, it does remind all of
Speaker 2: us to be careful how we choose our words. I
Speaker 2: because not everybody feels the same, and some people are
Speaker 2: more sensitive than others. And I get that.
Speaker 1: This made me think of the commercial you know I
Speaker 1: love now the passive Progressive.
Speaker 2: Oh, it's so funny.
Speaker 1: Marshalls where they're insulting folks over insurance's like, wow, you
Speaker 1: they do have rooms with balconies. Good thing, you save
Speaker 1: money so you could buy some better clothes.
Speaker 2: Like it's a little look how cute you used to look?
Speaker 2: Or look how young you used to look?
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, brilliant. We should give it for that. But folks,
Speaker 1: this thing is now set off a conversation with a
Speaker 1: lot of folks, and folks immediately want to take size.
Speaker 1: They were with Howie or they're with Kelly and Mark.
Speaker 1: But that's not the case. We actually sat here and
Speaker 1: had some fun coming up with other examples of stuff.
Speaker 1: Has it's actually been said to us that maybe was
Speaker 1: meant to be a compliment but ended up maybe even
Speaker 1: pissing us off a little bit. There's so many examples
Speaker 1: of that. We will give them to you, and plenty
Speaker 1: of them you've probably heard already. Stay here, all right.
Speaker 1: We can tell you here on Amy and TJ, you
Speaker 1: look good for your age? And what age do you
Speaker 1: start getting that?
Speaker 2: I think forty compliment thirty.
Speaker 1: Yeah, if you tell somebody you look good for your age?
Speaker 2: Women, yes, no, yes, women, I would say, like younger
Speaker 2: girls in high school when I was in like starting
Speaker 2: my forties. Yes, you kind of get paid that compliment
Speaker 2: from girls who are yes, when you're young. Forty is
Speaker 2: so old, right, And I think it starts for women
Speaker 2: in their forties. Maybe it starts for men in their sixties.
Speaker 2: I really do think that's probably true.
Speaker 1: Well, I'm saying I can't imagine if a woman you
Speaker 1: meet somebody she's forty two, Oh my goodness, you're forty two.
Speaker 1: You look great. Yes, that sounds like that. That sounds
Speaker 1: like an insult.
Speaker 2: I got that in my forties, Absolutely got that on
Speaker 2: my immediately offended.
Speaker 1: Forty isn't Oh how am I supposed to look?
Speaker 2: I'm forty that And also when they see you have
Speaker 2: adult children, they'll say like, oh my goodness, you look
Speaker 2: great to have kids that age. So that also is
Speaker 2: a compliment. I know it's intended that way, but you
Speaker 2: could be offended by it.
Speaker 1: Be careful how you talk to people, and particular Amy Robock.
Speaker 1: Apparently the other examples we started coming through. You got
Speaker 1: a little list there. Yeah, what else qualifies as a
Speaker 1: compliment that ends up being an insult?
Speaker 2: Okay, you show up somewhere, you've got a snazzy outfit
Speaker 2: on and someone says to you, I could never pull
Speaker 2: that off.
Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, yeah, I think I've said that to a
Speaker 1: bunch of people.
Speaker 2: You've said this to me, you look great in this light. Yes,
Speaker 2: you you look great in this light, especially when it's
Speaker 2: like candlelight or it's dark. That is that could be
Speaker 2: I'm kidding. I was just adding that part, but that
Speaker 2: could be offensive. No, what you have said to me
Speaker 2: is what do you say to me? Oh?
Speaker 1: You have Yeah, you know what I do. You're trying
Speaker 1: to remember I said, oh my god, you have such
Speaker 1: a gorgeous smile.
Speaker 2: You should you should smile more more. Yes, that's what
Speaker 2: it is. You say that to me. You have a
Speaker 2: gorgeous smile. You should smile more. Okay, here are some
Speaker 2: other ones. How are you still single?
Speaker 1: That's uh, that's bad. What you're saying is, wow, you're attractive.
Speaker 1: You're such an impressive person physically and everything. You got
Speaker 1: everything going? How are you still single? It's supposed to
Speaker 1: be a compliment, but we're essentially saying what's wrong with you? Yes?
Speaker 2: What do I not know? Are you crazy? The other
Speaker 2: one anything about someone's weight. So it can mean you
Speaker 2: can come from a really good place, like, Wow, you
Speaker 2: lost so much weight, you look great. The implication is
Speaker 2: you didn't before and or wow, you're so thin now,
Speaker 2: that's amazing. It's just anytime you're making a comment and
Speaker 2: saying it's positive because you've changed, you're implying that before
Speaker 2: you changed, you weren't.
Speaker 1: Maybe it's just an improvement.
Speaker 2: So I thought this was interesting. I read somewhere that
Speaker 2: if you are wondering whether or not this compliment you
Speaker 2: think you're about to pay someone could be taken the
Speaker 2: wrong way, or could be actually, yes, a backhanded compliment
Speaker 2: if you add four. So just the compliment being you
Speaker 2: look great for your age, you look great for an
Speaker 2: older man, you look great for a mom, or for
Speaker 2: a new mom, or for someone who just had a baby,
Speaker 2: like those are all compliments that people create, those caveats,
Speaker 2: So if you have to add four at the end
Speaker 2: of your compliment, you might be offending someone. That's a
Speaker 2: good gauge. I would think the other one. They said,
Speaker 2: if you start your compliment with or you put this
Speaker 2: in the sentence actually or surprisingly, it's not going to
Speaker 2: be a compliment.
Speaker 1: You don't think about it. Food, Wow, this is surprisingly good.
Speaker 2: If I just made it. I'm now offended. How about
Speaker 2: you're so articulate.
Speaker 1: Oh that's the classic. That's the classic. That's not a compliment.
Speaker 1: White people. Stop telling Black folks that we speak so well.
Speaker 1: Please stop doing that. Have a college degree.
Speaker 2: Crazy thing is you hear it all the time.
Speaker 1: All the time. You still see it on TV.
Speaker 2: It's articulate everywhere we go.
Speaker 1: What the actual hell are you talking about. It's not
Speaker 1: a compliment to tell me, as a black man that
Speaker 1: I have a good command of the English language. I know.
Speaker 2: I actually my girlfriend who is black. This is our
Speaker 2: first job. We were in Charleston, South Carolina. We had
Speaker 2: voicemail back in the day. Her name is Erica, Love
Speaker 2: you Erica. She She was like, Amy, come here. You
Speaker 2: have to listen to this because fans or viewers would
Speaker 2: leave messages on our voice. Did you have that in
Speaker 2: your first newsroom, so people could actually leave a voicemail
Speaker 2: for you to tell you what they thought of your
Speaker 2: reporter the day? That used to be fun, Like, oh god,
Speaker 2: what are these? I just remembered how many times you
Speaker 2: get crazy, crazy voicemails left behind And then the.
Speaker 1: Higher up you go, then you've had more of a
Speaker 1: disconnect with the audience. They don't have direct access to you,
Speaker 1: but I can remember those newsrooms and having that. I
Speaker 1: can see the phone sitting on my desk and the
Speaker 1: lights that were flat. I'm sorry we kind of go
Speaker 1: off topic, but yes, those were the days.
Speaker 2: But you could get a lot of backhanded compliments. So
Speaker 2: Erica played this for me and a viewer decided it
Speaker 2: was going to be a real nice compliment for him
Speaker 2: to leave a voicemail saying, just want to let you know,
Speaker 2: I think you're real pretty for a and then he said,
Speaker 2: colored girl. He said that, put it on the voicemail
Speaker 2: and felt good about leaving that message because he thought
Speaker 2: he was saying something nice to her. What what we
Speaker 2: were like? That is not real?
Speaker 1: And he did. He just went with the double whaman.
Speaker 2: But that was a four right exactly. He tonally an
Speaker 2: older gentleman, so maybe he was back in the day
Speaker 2: they are so pretty four never So, if you are
Speaker 2: going to give someone a compliment and you start to
Speaker 2: say the word four, stop aboard, aboard, do not continue
Speaker 2: the sentence.
Speaker 1: You know what, that's a very good rule. Keep that
Speaker 1: in your back pocket. Take a beat. I thought of
Speaker 1: another one as you were sitting here in California had
Speaker 1: a really nice big white ta hoo, nice rims on it.
Speaker 1: This whole thing, a guy actually stopped. He circled around
Speaker 1: and stopped as I was washing my truck at a
Speaker 1: car wash spraying the thing you know that those spray that.
Speaker 1: They don't have him in New York right now in
Speaker 1: the South. So some people in New York like, what
Speaker 1: the hell are you talking about? Where would you go
Speaker 1: to wash your own car? Yeah, they have those in
Speaker 1: the South. Goy circles around, comes back and asks, what
Speaker 1: do you guys do to drive such nice cars like that?
Speaker 1: He said, oh my, he thought he thought it was
Speaker 1: a professional athlete. We got into a back and forth
Speaker 1: and it wasn't nasty and the least bit we actually
Speaker 1: had that conversation. Woo.
Speaker 2: And also this isn't really a backhanded comp but we
Speaker 2: have seen this happen. It's definitely happened to you especially
Speaker 2: and again this is on the lines of racism. Do
Speaker 2: you work here, Just assume the person of color in
Speaker 2: a store is an employee and not a patron.
Speaker 1: The thing about that I've gotten where someone tried to
Speaker 1: cover it up. We're saying, well, you just you addressed
Speaker 1: so nice that I just assumed you worked here. I'm
Speaker 1: looking around where lock motherfuck, nobody is in a suit
Speaker 1: near I've gotten that before. Oh my god.
Speaker 2: We we actually saw this at a very fancy wedding
Speaker 2: a couple of years ago where one of the guests.
Speaker 2: Everyone was in Texas. This was a very formal weddingr this.
Speaker 1: Was this was the will end on this one, this
Speaker 1: will takes all the cake. Watched it happen. It's hilarious.
Speaker 1: An older guy as well.
Speaker 2: It was an older white guy and he was walking
Speaker 2: by a black couple. Actually he was with his wife,
Speaker 2: I think, and anyway in tucks and he looked at
Speaker 2: him and said which way to the restroom, And to
Speaker 2: his credit, the guy in the talks said, I'm a
Speaker 2: guest at this wedding, not an employee, but thank you.
Speaker 2: And it was we were like our mouths dropped we
Speaker 2: saw it happen.
Speaker 1: I don't know why you would pick him out because
Speaker 1: we were all lumped together, all informal wear. Why with the.
Speaker 2: Because he was blind, because he was black dressed like
Speaker 2: the rest of them. If a white guy, the white
Speaker 2: guy in the tucks, everybody never have assumed never would
Speaker 2: have asked. That was a jaw dropper. So yes, never
Speaker 2: assume someone's pregnant, Never assume someone is in employment at
Speaker 2: a story you're in, and then ask yourself, why did
Speaker 2: I make that assumption? Right? And just check yourself, check yourself.
Speaker 1: So interesting, But it's look compliments all of us sometimes.
Speaker 1: I know some of this stuff was clickbait. I don't
Speaker 1: think they were really genuinely upset. I haven't seen anything
Speaker 1: else about it, but it was a moment that sparked
Speaker 1: a conversation, and a fun one at least, or an
Speaker 1: interesting one and maybe even an import one. Well, yeah,
Speaker 1: I actually appreciated this. You are the one pushing for
Speaker 1: this episode. I h maybe this makes sense.
Speaker 2: Yes, and look, you can go online. I was laughing.
Speaker 2: There's like a whole list of backhanded compliments. And I
Speaker 2: know we ended with that fun story, but I thought
Speaker 2: that you're not as dumb as you look. I think
Speaker 2: people say that and jest I say that about myself.
Speaker 1: That is meant to be an insult. Yes, that isn't.
Speaker 2: And you know what, thank you for bringing that up
Speaker 2: because I just want to end on this now. We
Speaker 2: keep saying we're ending, But I thought This was so interesting.
Speaker 2: There are two types of backhanded compliments, the one where
Speaker 2: people don't intend for it to be negative, they intend
Speaker 2: it to be a compliment, and then there's the other
Speaker 2: kind where it is absolutely intentional. It is absolutely intentional
Speaker 2: and we and you can smell the difference between the two.
Speaker 1: Oh course you can, so be careful that there compliment folks.
Speaker 1: The rule again, if you have to use four, you're
Speaker 1: messing up. Don't say anything about anybody's weight, no matter
Speaker 1: if they gained it or lost it. Correct and you know,
Speaker 1: just stay away from women's age. This is just a
Speaker 1: general rule that's probably a good one.
Speaker 2: And then don't use actually or surprisingly, I thought those
Speaker 2: were great tips.
Speaker 1: Hey, we're here to help more. You know, I always
Speaker 1: appreciate you hanging out with those folks from my dear Amy,
Speaker 1: robock Up, TJ. Holmes. We'll talk to y'all soon.