WEBVTT - “You Look Great For Your Age” And Other Backhanded Compliments You Should Avoid

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<v Speaker 1>Here there, folks. It is Thursday, March twenty six, and

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<v Speaker 1>don't you love a good compliment? Doesn't it always feel

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<v Speaker 1>good when somebody says to you, Wow, you look great.

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<v Speaker 1>But does it change when they add to the end

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<v Speaker 1>of that for your age with that? Welcome to this

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<v Speaker 1>episode of Amy and TJ. The subject has come up

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<v Speaker 1>because of Howie Mandel. We will get into all that,

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<v Speaker 1>but let me start off the top. Is it for

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<v Speaker 1>you robes immediately automatically an insult if someone says you

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<v Speaker 1>look good for your age.

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<v Speaker 2>Look, I don't think anybody wants to hear that last

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<v Speaker 2>for your age. And I don't know why you have

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<v Speaker 2>to say that. I think just saying you look good

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<v Speaker 2>is good enough. But when it's around your age, when

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<v Speaker 2>you're talking about your age and then that comes up, Yeah,

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<v Speaker 2>it's you now have You're not being compared to either

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<v Speaker 2>your former self or someone. It just it doesn't feel

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<v Speaker 2>like a compliment when someone says that.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, Well, Howie Mandel didn't think it was a compliment either.

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<v Speaker 1>Earlier this week, he was a guest on Live with

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<v Speaker 1>Kelly and Mark. I was still about to say.

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<v Speaker 2>Really, Regius, Well, I mean, honestly, it flows, I'd get it.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, okay, but hard to say Kelly and Mark, he's on,

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<v Speaker 1>of course, Howy Mendel was seventy years old? By the way,

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<v Speaker 1>can we just say he looks good?

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<v Speaker 2>He does look good.

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<v Speaker 1>How he looks good? I like the look he has

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<v Speaker 1>with the goate he's been using this past several years.

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<v Speaker 1>No hair, the glasses is working for him. You know what.

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<v Speaker 2>He reminds me of like Jeff Goldbloom. Just cool. He's

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<v Speaker 2>like getting cooler with age, like actually like comfortable in

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<v Speaker 2>his own skin, knows his style and yeah, and just looks.

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<v Speaker 1>Good and still hip, appropriately hip, right, not trying too hard.

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<v Speaker 1>God looks great. So he's on. I'm not even sure

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<v Speaker 1>what he was promoting. And we're gonna play this for

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<v Speaker 1>you now. But you've seen a lot of headlines possibly

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<v Speaker 1>that he got into it with the hosts because they

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<v Speaker 1>were complimenting him, Robes especially saying you look great. How

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<v Speaker 1>old are you? They were complimenting that he looked so

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<v Speaker 1>good for the age of seventy. He didn't take too

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<v Speaker 1>kindly to that. So Robes, first, what impression should people

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<v Speaker 1>have if they were just reading the headlines and didn't

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<v Speaker 1>hear it?

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<v Speaker 2>It sounded like, and in fact, some of the headlines

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<v Speaker 2>suggest it was awkward. It was tense, it was uncomfortable.

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<v Speaker 2>So when we went to go watch it, I thought, Wow,

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<v Speaker 2>this is gonna be this is gonna be something. This

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<v Speaker 2>is going to be awkward. That's how it read. When

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<v Speaker 2>you just read the headlines or read some of the

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<v Speaker 2>articles that were written about it.

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<v Speaker 1>Someone were kind of vicious. I mean, we're the point

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<v Speaker 1>you thought they got into it.

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<v Speaker 2>It sounded like from what we read that Howie Mandel

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<v Speaker 2>gave it to Kelly and Mark like actually like serve

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<v Speaker 2>them some angry words.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, we're gonna play it for you now look some

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<v Speaker 1>of those headlines. Obviously we're a little clickbaity, but we're

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<v Speaker 1>gonna let you hear it. Now. The story here, Yes,

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<v Speaker 1>it's about how and what happened in this moment you're

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<v Speaker 1>about to hear, but has really sparked a very interesting

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<v Speaker 1>co versation about compliments and backhanded compliments. But here is

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<v Speaker 1>Howie Mendel in the exchange with Kelly and Mark earlier

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<v Speaker 1>this week.

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<v Speaker 2>Seventy years yes, seventy years old, Yes I'm seventy. How

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<v Speaker 2>does any sense?

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<v Speaker 1>What do you mean? It doesn't I look great. That

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<v Speaker 1>doesn't mean anything.

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<v Speaker 2>No, I mean.

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<v Speaker 1>No, no, no, no. I don't like that because that's

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<v Speaker 1>a caveat when you say you're Because he tells somebody

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<v Speaker 1>you're seventy and they go, you look great.

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<v Speaker 2>You're not saying you look great for seventy, Yes you are,

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<v Speaker 2>without saying yeah, seventy, I'm saying you look great. I'm

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<v Speaker 2>saying that I don't believe your set.

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<v Speaker 1>No, no, I'm saying no. It's like saying you're smart

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<v Speaker 1>for a stupid person. Yeah, oh you look smart. You

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<v Speaker 1>seem smart. You see.

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<v Speaker 2>I don't look good.

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<v Speaker 1>No, you do look good, Thank you. Okay. Your impression

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<v Speaker 1>after hearing it Robes was what.

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<v Speaker 2>It sounded a little more wink wink, nod, nod, jovial.

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<v Speaker 2>I think Howie was a little annoyed, but he also

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<v Speaker 2>decided to lean into it and spend some humor around it.

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<v Speaker 1>I thought he was being a comedian, that was my impression,

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<v Speaker 1>and he went hard and sometimes comedians sometimes they're deadpan,

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<v Speaker 1>and he was kind of not laughing about it. I

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<v Speaker 1>didn't was the question wrong? Was the response wrong? I

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<v Speaker 1>shouldn't say wrong? But did you take would you have

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<v Speaker 1>done either? One differently. Would you have asked the question differently?

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<v Speaker 1>Would you have answered it differently? That's my question.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, so I think, look what when Kelly basically just

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<v Speaker 2>said that doesn't make any sense? It kind of felt

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<v Speaker 2>like feigned surprise. And I don't think he liked that, like,

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<v Speaker 2>come on, what do you mean it doesn't make any sense?

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<v Speaker 2>Like that was annoying to him when people feigned surprised

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<v Speaker 2>like I think he was irritated by it. So she

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<v Speaker 2>probably could have just said you look great now. In

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<v Speaker 2>defense of what she said, I think she did a

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<v Speaker 2>good job of explaining, no, you look great and it's

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<v Speaker 2>hard to believe you're seventy. I think that's a compliment.

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<v Speaker 2>I understand why it can feel offensive, and he he

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<v Speaker 2>went a little hard, but I do think he was

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<v Speaker 2>doing it for entertainment purposes.

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<v Speaker 1>Yes, I'm with you there. I didn't find anything being

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<v Speaker 1>spirited about what he did. Now, it did cause an

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<v Speaker 1>awkward moment because he called them on it, and maybe

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<v Speaker 1>we should all be called on it and think about

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<v Speaker 1>how we speak to folks sometimes. I'm trying to examine

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<v Speaker 1>that particular thing they said, because, to be honest with you, robes,

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<v Speaker 1>there are a lot of people out there who do

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<v Speaker 1>look great for their age. That is just wait, you're eighty.

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<v Speaker 1>Most eighty year olds I see don't look like this.

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<v Speaker 1>They're not out here running a marathon, that they don't

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<v Speaker 1>have toned arms. Isn't it a real thing that factoring

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<v Speaker 1>in someone's age adds to your wonder about how great

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<v Speaker 1>they look look?

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<v Speaker 2>And so I just want to say, I don't really

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<v Speaker 2>take it personally, and I have had people say that

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<v Speaker 2>to me. I think there's a similar thing people say,

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<v Speaker 2>like younger, like twenty year old girls, if I look

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<v Speaker 2>half as good as you do at your age, I'll

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<v Speaker 2>be set. So it's there. I know it's a compliment,

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<v Speaker 2>but I also think we have to be honest with

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<v Speaker 2>ourselves and recognize that as you age, it does get

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<v Speaker 2>harder to look better. You are fighting gravity, you are

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<v Speaker 2>fighting cells that are damaged and declining, like you aren't

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<v Speaker 2>your best, shiny, bright new self physically that you were

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<v Speaker 2>ten years ago, twenty years ago. That's just the truth.

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<v Speaker 2>So I kind of look at it as as a

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<v Speaker 2>compliment because it's almost earned, Like you've worked hard, you've

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<v Speaker 2>taken care of yourself, you've eaten right, you've exercised, you

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<v Speaker 2>take time to make sure you present yourself a certain way.

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<v Speaker 2>You haven't let yourself go, you haven't given up. So

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<v Speaker 2>I actually think it is a compliment. But I can

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<v Speaker 2>understand why it can feel offensive.

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<v Speaker 1>You think it is a compliment, but you see why

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<v Speaker 1>it could be offensive, Yes, but you aren't offended by it.

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<v Speaker 2>Correct. That's exactly where I fall on it. How would

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<v Speaker 2>you feel if someone said that to you.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't really know. I'm thinking. I can't remember times

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<v Speaker 1>where I get I get it a lot when it

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<v Speaker 1>has to do with my frankly, my weight, my physique.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm still the almost the same weight I was in

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<v Speaker 1>junior high school. That is a true story. So I

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<v Speaker 1>get that sometimes, certainly from uncles, like how are you

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<v Speaker 1>You don't have your your stomach's not out, you're forty.

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<v Speaker 1>How are you doing? Yeah, I hear that. Sometimes I

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<v Speaker 1>think that is a compliment. I don't know. I'm questioning

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<v Speaker 1>how to speak to other people when I see them

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<v Speaker 1>and I think someone looks great, Wow, she looks good today.

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<v Speaker 1>He looks good today. What he's seventy four? That's a

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<v Speaker 1>It almost adds to it. But robes if you didn't

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<v Speaker 1>know that person was seventy four, but they still alicit

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<v Speaker 1>a compliment from you about how good they look, right

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<v Speaker 1>or is it only in the context of their age.

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<v Speaker 2>It's probably both. And look, I think what I've always

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<v Speaker 2>tried to do, and I know not everybody wants to

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<v Speaker 2>give this grace, and I get that, but I always

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<v Speaker 2>try to reckon knives or at least incorporate in my

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<v Speaker 2>reaction their intention. And you can tell if someone means

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<v Speaker 2>it as a complient, intends it to be a compliment,

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<v Speaker 2>even if it doesn't feel like one, when you see

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<v Speaker 2>that they're actually trying to give you a complient. I

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<v Speaker 2>give people a break. I understand people have said things

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<v Speaker 2>that you're like, wow, that actually is so offensive, but

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<v Speaker 2>I know you didn't mean it that way, and so

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<v Speaker 2>you just let it go. But it is something to note.

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<v Speaker 2>I think when you see something like this, or you

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<v Speaker 2>hear in exchange like this, it does remind all of

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<v Speaker 2>us to be careful how we choose our words. I

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<v Speaker 2>because not everybody feels the same, and some people are

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<v Speaker 2>more sensitive than others. And I get that.

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<v Speaker 1>This made me think of the commercial you know I

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<v Speaker 1>love now the passive Progressive.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh, it's so funny.

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<v Speaker 1>Marshalls where they're insulting folks over insurance's like, wow, you

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<v Speaker 1>they do have rooms with balconies. Good thing, you save

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<v Speaker 1>money so you could buy some better clothes.

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<v Speaker 2>Like it's a little look how cute you used to look?

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<v Speaker 2>Or look how young you used to look?

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, okay, brilliant. We should give it for that. But folks,

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<v Speaker 1>this thing is now set off a conversation with a

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<v Speaker 1>lot of folks, and folks immediately want to take size.

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<v Speaker 1>They were with Howie or they're with Kelly and Mark.

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<v Speaker 1>But that's not the case. We actually sat here and

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<v Speaker 1>had some fun coming up with other examples of stuff.

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<v Speaker 1>Has it's actually been said to us that maybe was

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<v Speaker 1>meant to be a compliment but ended up maybe even

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<v Speaker 1>pissing us off a little bit. There's so many examples

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<v Speaker 1>of that. We will give them to you, and plenty

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<v Speaker 1>of them you've probably heard already. Stay here, all right.

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<v Speaker 1>We can tell you here on Amy and TJ, you

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<v Speaker 1>look good for your age? And what age do you

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<v Speaker 1>start getting that?

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<v Speaker 2>I think forty compliment thirty.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, if you tell somebody you look good for your age?

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<v Speaker 2>Women, yes, no, yes, women, I would say, like younger

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<v Speaker 2>girls in high school when I was in like starting

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<v Speaker 2>my forties. Yes, you kind of get paid that compliment

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<v Speaker 2>from girls who are yes, when you're young. Forty is

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<v Speaker 2>so old, right, And I think it starts for women

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<v Speaker 2>in their forties. Maybe it starts for men in their sixties.

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<v Speaker 2>I really do think that's probably true.

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<v Speaker 1>Well, I'm saying I can't imagine if a woman you

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<v Speaker 1>meet somebody she's forty two, Oh my goodness, you're forty two.

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<v Speaker 1>You look great. Yes, that sounds like that. That sounds

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<v Speaker 1>like an insult.

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<v Speaker 2>I got that in my forties, Absolutely got that on

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<v Speaker 2>my immediately offended.

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<v Speaker 1>Forty isn't Oh how am I supposed to look?

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<v Speaker 2>I'm forty that And also when they see you have

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<v Speaker 2>adult children, they'll say like, oh my goodness, you look

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<v Speaker 2>great to have kids that age. So that also is

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<v Speaker 2>a compliment. I know it's intended that way, but you

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<v Speaker 2>could be offended by it.

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<v Speaker 1>Be careful how you talk to people, and particular Amy Robock.

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<v Speaker 1>Apparently the other examples we started coming through. You got

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<v Speaker 1>a little list there. Yeah, what else qualifies as a

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<v Speaker 1>compliment that ends up being an insult?

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<v Speaker 2>Okay, you show up somewhere, you've got a snazzy outfit

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<v Speaker 2>on and someone says to you, I could never pull

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<v Speaker 2>that off.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, yeah, yeah, I think I've said that to a

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<v Speaker 1>bunch of people.

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<v Speaker 2>You've said this to me, you look great in this light. Yes,

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<v Speaker 2>you you look great in this light, especially when it's

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<v Speaker 2>like candlelight or it's dark. That is that could be

0:11:12.200 --> 0:11:14.040
<v Speaker 2>I'm kidding. I was just adding that part, but that

0:11:14.040 --> 0:11:16.080
<v Speaker 2>could be offensive. No, what you have said to me

0:11:16.280 --> 0:11:20.640
<v Speaker 2>is what do you say to me? Oh?

0:11:21.040 --> 0:11:23.280
<v Speaker 1>You have Yeah, you know what I do. You're trying

0:11:23.320 --> 0:11:26.080
<v Speaker 1>to remember I said, oh my god, you have such

0:11:26.080 --> 0:11:26.839
<v Speaker 1>a gorgeous smile.

0:11:26.840 --> 0:11:29.440
<v Speaker 2>You should you should smile more more. Yes, that's what

0:11:29.480 --> 0:11:31.160
<v Speaker 2>it is. You say that to me. You have a

0:11:31.200 --> 0:11:35.120
<v Speaker 2>gorgeous smile. You should smile more. Okay, here are some

0:11:35.200 --> 0:11:40.240
<v Speaker 2>other ones. How are you still single?

0:11:40.960 --> 0:11:44.240
<v Speaker 1>That's uh, that's bad. What you're saying is, wow, you're attractive.

0:11:44.360 --> 0:11:47.920
<v Speaker 1>You're such an impressive person physically and everything. You got

0:11:47.920 --> 0:11:51.360
<v Speaker 1>everything going? How are you still single? It's supposed to

0:11:51.400 --> 0:11:54.920
<v Speaker 1>be a compliment, but we're essentially saying what's wrong with you? Yes?

0:11:55.280 --> 0:11:57.880
<v Speaker 2>What do I not know? Are you crazy? The other

0:11:57.920 --> 0:12:01.560
<v Speaker 2>one anything about someone's weight. So it can mean you

0:12:01.559 --> 0:12:03.280
<v Speaker 2>can come from a really good place, like, Wow, you

0:12:03.400 --> 0:12:06.160
<v Speaker 2>lost so much weight, you look great. The implication is

0:12:06.200 --> 0:12:09.920
<v Speaker 2>you didn't before and or wow, you're so thin now,

0:12:10.160 --> 0:12:13.320
<v Speaker 2>that's amazing. It's just anytime you're making a comment and

0:12:13.360 --> 0:12:16.840
<v Speaker 2>saying it's positive because you've changed, you're implying that before

0:12:16.880 --> 0:12:18.160
<v Speaker 2>you changed, you weren't.

0:12:18.440 --> 0:12:19.480
<v Speaker 1>Maybe it's just an improvement.

0:12:21.160 --> 0:12:23.800
<v Speaker 2>So I thought this was interesting. I read somewhere that

0:12:24.000 --> 0:12:27.280
<v Speaker 2>if you are wondering whether or not this compliment you

0:12:27.760 --> 0:12:29.880
<v Speaker 2>think you're about to pay someone could be taken the

0:12:29.920 --> 0:12:32.960
<v Speaker 2>wrong way, or could be actually, yes, a backhanded compliment

0:12:33.000 --> 0:12:36.840
<v Speaker 2>if you add four. So just the compliment being you

0:12:36.880 --> 0:12:40.520
<v Speaker 2>look great for your age, you look great for an

0:12:40.559 --> 0:12:43.320
<v Speaker 2>older man, you look great for a mom, or for

0:12:43.400 --> 0:12:45.480
<v Speaker 2>a new mom, or for someone who just had a baby,

0:12:45.600 --> 0:12:48.480
<v Speaker 2>like those are all compliments that people create, those caveats,

0:12:48.520 --> 0:12:50.959
<v Speaker 2>So if you have to add four at the end

0:12:50.960 --> 0:12:53.800
<v Speaker 2>of your compliment, you might be offending someone. That's a

0:12:53.840 --> 0:12:57.360
<v Speaker 2>good gauge. I would think the other one. They said,

0:12:57.640 --> 0:13:00.840
<v Speaker 2>if you start your compliment with or you put this

0:13:01.000 --> 0:13:05.280
<v Speaker 2>in the sentence actually or surprisingly, it's not going to

0:13:05.280 --> 0:13:05.920
<v Speaker 2>be a compliment.

0:13:05.960 --> 0:13:09.440
<v Speaker 1>You don't think about it. Food, Wow, this is surprisingly good.

0:13:10.280 --> 0:13:13.640
<v Speaker 2>If I just made it. I'm now offended. How about

0:13:13.840 --> 0:13:15.080
<v Speaker 2>you're so articulate.

0:13:15.400 --> 0:13:19.160
<v Speaker 1>Oh that's the classic. That's the classic. That's not a compliment.

0:13:19.160 --> 0:13:22.320
<v Speaker 1>White people. Stop telling Black folks that we speak so well.

0:13:22.640 --> 0:13:25.320
<v Speaker 1>Please stop doing that. Have a college degree.

0:13:25.600 --> 0:13:27.679
<v Speaker 2>Crazy thing is you hear it all the time.

0:13:27.559 --> 0:13:29.400
<v Speaker 1>All the time. You still see it on TV.

0:13:29.559 --> 0:13:31.440
<v Speaker 2>It's articulate everywhere we go.

0:13:31.760 --> 0:13:35.200
<v Speaker 1>What the actual hell are you talking about. It's not

0:13:35.280 --> 0:13:37.200
<v Speaker 1>a compliment to tell me, as a black man that

0:13:37.280 --> 0:13:40.760
<v Speaker 1>I have a good command of the English language. I know.

0:13:42.080 --> 0:13:45.240
<v Speaker 2>I actually my girlfriend who is black. This is our

0:13:45.280 --> 0:13:47.440
<v Speaker 2>first job. We were in Charleston, South Carolina. We had

0:13:47.480 --> 0:13:50.040
<v Speaker 2>voicemail back in the day. Her name is Erica, Love

0:13:50.120 --> 0:13:52.600
<v Speaker 2>you Erica. She She was like, Amy, come here. You

0:13:52.679 --> 0:13:55.440
<v Speaker 2>have to listen to this because fans or viewers would

0:13:55.520 --> 0:13:57.480
<v Speaker 2>leave messages on our voice. Did you have that in

0:13:57.520 --> 0:14:00.760
<v Speaker 2>your first newsroom, so people could actually leave a voicemail

0:14:01.080 --> 0:14:02.920
<v Speaker 2>for you to tell you what they thought of your

0:14:02.960 --> 0:14:06.040
<v Speaker 2>reporter the day? That used to be fun, Like, oh god,

0:14:06.120 --> 0:14:09.560
<v Speaker 2>what are these? I just remembered how many times you

0:14:09.679 --> 0:14:13.320
<v Speaker 2>get crazy, crazy voicemails left behind And then the.

0:14:13.320 --> 0:14:15.320
<v Speaker 1>Higher up you go, then you've had more of a

0:14:15.360 --> 0:14:18.280
<v Speaker 1>disconnect with the audience. They don't have direct access to you,

0:14:18.320 --> 0:14:21.120
<v Speaker 1>but I can remember those newsrooms and having that. I

0:14:21.120 --> 0:14:22.920
<v Speaker 1>can see the phone sitting on my desk and the

0:14:23.000 --> 0:14:24.480
<v Speaker 1>lights that were flat. I'm sorry we kind of go

0:14:24.520 --> 0:14:26.600
<v Speaker 1>off topic, but yes, those were the days.

0:14:26.640 --> 0:14:28.920
<v Speaker 2>But you could get a lot of backhanded compliments. So

0:14:29.120 --> 0:14:33.440
<v Speaker 2>Erica played this for me and a viewer decided it

0:14:33.480 --> 0:14:35.480
<v Speaker 2>was going to be a real nice compliment for him

0:14:35.640 --> 0:14:38.080
<v Speaker 2>to leave a voicemail saying, just want to let you know,

0:14:38.160 --> 0:14:40.720
<v Speaker 2>I think you're real pretty for a and then he said,

0:14:40.920 --> 0:14:44.880
<v Speaker 2>colored girl. He said that, put it on the voicemail

0:14:44.920 --> 0:14:47.080
<v Speaker 2>and felt good about leaving that message because he thought

0:14:47.320 --> 0:14:51.960
<v Speaker 2>he was saying something nice to her. What what we

0:14:51.960 --> 0:14:53.520
<v Speaker 2>were like? That is not real?

0:14:53.600 --> 0:14:57.360
<v Speaker 1>And he did. He just went with the double whaman.

0:14:57.440 --> 0:15:00.240
<v Speaker 2>But that was a four right exactly. He tonally an

0:15:00.240 --> 0:15:02.040
<v Speaker 2>older gentleman, so maybe he was back in the day

0:15:02.120 --> 0:15:06.040
<v Speaker 2>they are so pretty four never So, if you are

0:15:06.040 --> 0:15:07.720
<v Speaker 2>going to give someone a compliment and you start to

0:15:07.720 --> 0:15:11.600
<v Speaker 2>say the word four, stop aboard, aboard, do not continue

0:15:11.760 --> 0:15:12.400
<v Speaker 2>the sentence.

0:15:13.680 --> 0:15:15.680
<v Speaker 1>You know what, that's a very good rule. Keep that

0:15:15.720 --> 0:15:18.440
<v Speaker 1>in your back pocket. Take a beat. I thought of

0:15:18.480 --> 0:15:21.040
<v Speaker 1>another one as you were sitting here in California had

0:15:21.040 --> 0:15:24.200
<v Speaker 1>a really nice big white ta hoo, nice rims on it.

0:15:24.240 --> 0:15:27.320
<v Speaker 1>This whole thing, a guy actually stopped. He circled around

0:15:27.360 --> 0:15:29.720
<v Speaker 1>and stopped as I was washing my truck at a

0:15:29.760 --> 0:15:33.360
<v Speaker 1>car wash spraying the thing you know that those spray that.

0:15:33.440 --> 0:15:35.160
<v Speaker 1>They don't have him in New York right now in

0:15:35.200 --> 0:15:37.040
<v Speaker 1>the South. So some people in New York like, what

0:15:37.080 --> 0:15:38.560
<v Speaker 1>the hell are you talking about? Where would you go

0:15:38.600 --> 0:15:40.360
<v Speaker 1>to wash your own car? Yeah, they have those in

0:15:40.400 --> 0:15:43.880
<v Speaker 1>the South. Goy circles around, comes back and asks, what

0:15:44.040 --> 0:15:47.160
<v Speaker 1>do you guys do to drive such nice cars like that?

0:15:47.800 --> 0:15:51.720
<v Speaker 1>He said, oh my, he thought he thought it was

0:15:51.720 --> 0:15:53.520
<v Speaker 1>a professional athlete. We got into a back and forth

0:15:53.520 --> 0:15:55.840
<v Speaker 1>and it wasn't nasty and the least bit we actually

0:15:55.920 --> 0:15:57.680
<v Speaker 1>had that conversation. Woo.

0:15:57.760 --> 0:16:00.760
<v Speaker 2>And also this isn't really a backhanded comp but we

0:16:00.840 --> 0:16:03.840
<v Speaker 2>have seen this happen. It's definitely happened to you especially

0:16:03.840 --> 0:16:06.520
<v Speaker 2>and again this is on the lines of racism. Do

0:16:06.560 --> 0:16:09.960
<v Speaker 2>you work here, Just assume the person of color in

0:16:09.960 --> 0:16:12.800
<v Speaker 2>a store is an employee and not a patron.

0:16:12.920 --> 0:16:15.760
<v Speaker 1>The thing about that I've gotten where someone tried to

0:16:15.800 --> 0:16:18.680
<v Speaker 1>cover it up. We're saying, well, you just you addressed

0:16:18.720 --> 0:16:21.840
<v Speaker 1>so nice that I just assumed you worked here. I'm

0:16:21.880 --> 0:16:25.880
<v Speaker 1>looking around where lock motherfuck, nobody is in a suit

0:16:26.000 --> 0:16:28.760
<v Speaker 1>near I've gotten that before. Oh my god.

0:16:28.800 --> 0:16:31.520
<v Speaker 2>We we actually saw this at a very fancy wedding

0:16:31.600 --> 0:16:33.920
<v Speaker 2>a couple of years ago where one of the guests.

0:16:34.080 --> 0:16:37.960
<v Speaker 2>Everyone was in Texas. This was a very formal weddingr this.

0:16:38.000 --> 0:16:40.280
<v Speaker 1>Was this was the will end on this one, this

0:16:40.320 --> 0:16:44.520
<v Speaker 1>will takes all the cake. Watched it happen. It's hilarious.

0:16:44.560 --> 0:16:46.120
<v Speaker 1>An older guy as well.

0:16:48.040 --> 0:16:50.640
<v Speaker 2>It was an older white guy and he was walking

0:16:50.680 --> 0:16:55.080
<v Speaker 2>by a black couple. Actually he was with his wife,

0:16:55.160 --> 0:16:57.680
<v Speaker 2>I think, and anyway in tucks and he looked at

0:16:57.760 --> 0:17:02.040
<v Speaker 2>him and said which way to the restroom, And to

0:17:02.080 --> 0:17:05.119
<v Speaker 2>his credit, the guy in the talks said, I'm a

0:17:05.200 --> 0:17:08.080
<v Speaker 2>guest at this wedding, not an employee, but thank you.

0:17:08.520 --> 0:17:11.840
<v Speaker 2>And it was we were like our mouths dropped we

0:17:11.920 --> 0:17:13.080
<v Speaker 2>saw it happen.

0:17:14.080 --> 0:17:16.200
<v Speaker 1>I don't know why you would pick him out because

0:17:16.200 --> 0:17:21.200
<v Speaker 1>we were all lumped together, all informal wear. Why with the.

0:17:21.400 --> 0:17:24.840
<v Speaker 2>Because he was blind, because he was black dressed like

0:17:24.880 --> 0:17:26.640
<v Speaker 2>the rest of them. If a white guy, the white

0:17:26.680 --> 0:17:29.600
<v Speaker 2>guy in the tucks, everybody never have assumed never would

0:17:29.600 --> 0:17:34.640
<v Speaker 2>have asked. That was a jaw dropper. So yes, never

0:17:34.720 --> 0:17:40.359
<v Speaker 2>assume someone's pregnant, Never assume someone is in employment at

0:17:40.400 --> 0:17:42.680
<v Speaker 2>a story you're in, and then ask yourself, why did

0:17:42.720 --> 0:17:45.800
<v Speaker 2>I make that assumption? Right? And just check yourself, check yourself.

0:17:45.880 --> 0:17:49.120
<v Speaker 1>So interesting, But it's look compliments all of us sometimes.

0:17:49.119 --> 0:17:51.000
<v Speaker 1>I know some of this stuff was clickbait. I don't

0:17:51.040 --> 0:17:53.600
<v Speaker 1>think they were really genuinely upset. I haven't seen anything

0:17:53.600 --> 0:17:55.959
<v Speaker 1>else about it, but it was a moment that sparked

0:17:55.960 --> 0:17:58.119
<v Speaker 1>a conversation, and a fun one at least, or an

0:17:58.160 --> 0:18:01.440
<v Speaker 1>interesting one and maybe even an import one. Well, yeah,

0:18:01.520 --> 0:18:04.199
<v Speaker 1>I actually appreciated this. You are the one pushing for

0:18:04.240 --> 0:18:07.359
<v Speaker 1>this episode. I h maybe this makes sense.

0:18:07.560 --> 0:18:09.840
<v Speaker 2>Yes, and look, you can go online. I was laughing.

0:18:09.840 --> 0:18:12.960
<v Speaker 2>There's like a whole list of backhanded compliments. And I

0:18:13.000 --> 0:18:14.880
<v Speaker 2>know we ended with that fun story, but I thought

0:18:14.920 --> 0:18:17.360
<v Speaker 2>that you're not as dumb as you look. I think

0:18:17.359 --> 0:18:19.440
<v Speaker 2>people say that and jest I say that about myself.

0:18:20.280 --> 0:18:22.879
<v Speaker 1>That is meant to be an insult. Yes, that isn't.

0:18:23.119 --> 0:18:24.399
<v Speaker 2>And you know what, thank you for bringing that up

0:18:24.440 --> 0:18:25.960
<v Speaker 2>because I just want to end on this now. We

0:18:26.000 --> 0:18:28.720
<v Speaker 2>keep saying we're ending, But I thought This was so interesting.

0:18:28.760 --> 0:18:32.200
<v Speaker 2>There are two types of backhanded compliments, the one where

0:18:32.240 --> 0:18:35.679
<v Speaker 2>people don't intend for it to be negative, they intend

0:18:35.760 --> 0:18:37.440
<v Speaker 2>it to be a compliment, and then there's the other

0:18:37.560 --> 0:18:43.159
<v Speaker 2>kind where it is absolutely intentional. It is absolutely intentional

0:18:43.520 --> 0:18:45.840
<v Speaker 2>and we and you can smell the difference between the two.

0:18:45.880 --> 0:18:48.760
<v Speaker 1>Oh course you can, so be careful that there compliment folks.

0:18:49.760 --> 0:18:52.960
<v Speaker 1>The rule again, if you have to use four, you're

0:18:53.000 --> 0:18:57.280
<v Speaker 1>messing up. Don't say anything about anybody's weight, no matter

0:18:57.280 --> 0:19:00.520
<v Speaker 1>if they gained it or lost it. Correct and you know,

0:19:00.800 --> 0:19:02.600
<v Speaker 1>just stay away from women's age. This is just a

0:19:02.680 --> 0:19:04.440
<v Speaker 1>general rule that's probably a good one.

0:19:04.480 --> 0:19:08.680
<v Speaker 2>And then don't use actually or surprisingly, I thought those

0:19:08.680 --> 0:19:09.600
<v Speaker 2>were great tips.

0:19:10.080 --> 0:19:12.119
<v Speaker 1>Hey, we're here to help more. You know, I always

0:19:12.119 --> 0:19:14.320
<v Speaker 1>appreciate you hanging out with those folks from my dear Amy,

0:19:14.359 --> 0:19:16.600
<v Speaker 1>robock Up, TJ. Holmes. We'll talk to y'all soon.