WEBVTT - It Begins With You with Jillian Turecki 0:00:00.800 --> 0:00:04.120 Hi, Catherine, Hi Chelsea, how are you Hi? I'm good. 0:00:04.160 --> 0:00:06.200 I'm staying at a hotel in Los Angeles while I 0:00:06.240 --> 0:00:09.319 record my audio book. I've been recording my audiobook for 0:00:09.360 --> 0:00:11.640 the last two days. Today should be the last day 0:00:11.880 --> 0:00:13.880 if you haven't pre ordered my book, I'll Have What 0:00:14.000 --> 0:00:17.280 She's Having. It comes out February twenty fifth. And I 0:00:17.320 --> 0:00:20.800 didn't smoke any weed or drink alcohol for three days 0:00:20.880 --> 0:00:23.000 leading up to my audiobook recording so that I could 0:00:23.000 --> 0:00:26.600 sound as crisp as possible. Because of so many of 0:00:26.640 --> 0:00:29.400 my fans listen to my audio books, especially for my 0:00:29.480 --> 0:00:31.720 last audiobook, so I really wanted to. 0:00:31.680 --> 0:00:35.320 Deliver on that. That is real commitment, Chelsea, That is commitment. 0:00:35.400 --> 0:00:36.320 I'm a professional. 0:00:36.640 --> 0:00:38.680 Yeah, And you know what, I love listening to a 0:00:38.720 --> 0:00:41.520 comedy like a book by a comedian read by the author. 0:00:41.600 --> 0:00:44.040 Like that's the way to go for those, right right? 0:00:44.360 --> 0:00:47.520 What else is happening? Updates? Updates? I'm moving back into 0:00:47.520 --> 0:00:48.600 my house tomorrow. 0:00:48.840 --> 0:00:53.159 Oh, the Critics' Choice Awards are now February seventh, Friday night, 0:00:53.200 --> 0:00:56.080 February seventh, so they've been moved to that date, so 0:00:56.120 --> 0:01:00.080 I will be hosting those. And the fires are they 0:01:00.120 --> 0:01:01.480 are almost contained. 0:01:01.680 --> 0:01:03.760 I wouldn't say they are fully contained. 0:01:04.200 --> 0:01:06.480 Yeah, I think they're mostly contained. It seems like they're 0:01:06.480 --> 0:01:09.960 not threatening homes much anymore. They're not covering it on 0:01:10.000 --> 0:01:13.360 the news at least, so not totally out. But now 0:01:13.360 --> 0:01:15.640 it's sort of like moving into what do we do 0:01:15.720 --> 0:01:19.720 now and rebuilding. Yeah, you know, something I heard from 0:01:19.840 --> 0:01:22.800 several people that I think is really important to remember 0:01:23.000 --> 0:01:24.800 is that, like, you know, we all give to our 0:01:24.840 --> 0:01:27.800 gofundmes and friends and people, you know, and Red Cross 0:01:27.800 --> 0:01:30.440 and all that good stuff. And I think people are 0:01:30.480 --> 0:01:32.760 going to be realizing what they need a little bit 0:01:32.800 --> 0:01:35.480 further down the line, like in a few months when 0:01:35.480 --> 0:01:38.039 they start the rebuilding process or start to sort of 0:01:38.040 --> 0:01:41.080 get life figured out, Like people may need more help 0:01:41.120 --> 0:01:43.120 than so like check in, check in on folks. 0:01:43.240 --> 0:01:44.600 Absolutely absolutely. 0:01:45.200 --> 0:01:48.960 Our guest today is a certified relationship coach, author, teacher, 0:01:49.000 --> 0:01:52.160 and host of the podcast Jillian on Love. Her new 0:01:52.200 --> 0:01:55.360 book It Begins with You The Nine Hard Truths about 0:01:55.360 --> 0:01:57.919 Love that will Change Your Life. It's out now. Please 0:01:57.960 --> 0:02:02.600 welcome Jillian to Reki. Jillian, Welcome, Welcome to Dear Chelsea. 0:02:02.720 --> 0:02:03.520 Thank you for having me. 0:02:03.600 --> 0:02:06.240 I love books, all books, and then I love self 0:02:06.240 --> 0:02:08.040 help books. Especially when I'm in the right mood and 0:02:08.040 --> 0:02:11.040 I'm in the mood for self help. So your new book, 0:02:11.040 --> 0:02:13.680 which is called It Begins with You, The Nine Hard 0:02:13.760 --> 0:02:17.120 Truths about Love that will Change Your Life, is out now. 0:02:17.760 --> 0:02:21.200 So the nine Hard Truths, I feel like some of 0:02:21.240 --> 0:02:24.000 them are obvious truths, and then some of them aren't 0:02:24.000 --> 0:02:24.560 so obvious. 0:02:24.600 --> 0:02:27.080 Would you agree with me? Yeah, I absolutely would. 0:02:27.160 --> 0:02:29.880 And which ones are not the obvious ones? In your opinion? 0:02:30.480 --> 0:02:32.480 It begins with you. I don't think is that obvious 0:02:32.520 --> 0:02:35.040 to people. It might be obvious to people who actually 0:02:35.960 --> 0:02:37.880 maybe do a lot of inner work, but I don't 0:02:37.880 --> 0:02:40.919 think it's that obvious to people. And I think what's 0:02:41.000 --> 0:02:45.000 not also not obvious is I don't know, the mind 0:02:45.040 --> 0:02:47.239 is a battlefield. I mean, I think people also know that, 0:02:47.320 --> 0:02:51.519 but don't really understand how that actually directly impacts. 0:02:51.120 --> 0:02:52.560 The quality of your relationships. 0:02:52.720 --> 0:02:55.680 Right that making peace with your parents might not be 0:02:55.720 --> 0:02:57.360 so obvious, What do you think is not? 0:02:57.520 --> 0:03:00.680 I think making peace with your parents is not as obvious. 0:03:00.680 --> 0:03:03.520 I think everyone realizes that that's necessary, even though I 0:03:03.560 --> 0:03:05.760 do believe it tugs at everybody. You know, everyone has 0:03:05.800 --> 0:03:08.160 their biggest problems or their parents, whether they know it 0:03:08.240 --> 0:03:11.400 or not. And then the other one that is, no 0:03:11.440 --> 0:03:13.280 one is coming to save you. Yeah, no one is 0:03:13.280 --> 0:03:17.200 coming to save which is bad news. Yeah, yeah, it's 0:03:17.240 --> 0:03:19.560 bad news, but it's important news for you to know. 0:03:19.800 --> 0:03:23.760 Yeah, absolutely, yeah, no one is coming to save you. 0:03:23.840 --> 0:03:26.040 I mean, you know, I think that I know for 0:03:26.160 --> 0:03:30.120 me and everyone who I've worked with. It's not necessarily conscious, 0:03:30.120 --> 0:03:31.760 but a lot of people will say, well, once I 0:03:31.800 --> 0:03:37.040 meet that person, once I meet the one, then then yeah, 0:03:37.080 --> 0:03:40.560 then I'll feel okay, Then things will be okay, then 0:03:40.640 --> 0:03:42.760 my problems will go away. And even if they're not, 0:03:43.040 --> 0:03:46.480 even on some intellectual level, they know that's not true. 0:03:46.800 --> 0:03:50.480 There's so much emphasis on Stockham like this right person 0:03:50.560 --> 0:03:53.560 and when this right person comes into your life, everything's 0:03:53.600 --> 0:03:56.480 going to fall into place, and it's not true. 0:03:56.600 --> 0:03:57.600 But where did that begin? 0:03:57.760 --> 0:04:00.200 Do you think with romanticism? 0:04:00.640 --> 0:04:02.440 I mean it seems pretty obvious, but I'm like, who 0:04:02.640 --> 0:04:03.800 started it? 0:04:03.880 --> 0:04:05.440 Like, you know, because. 0:04:06.680 --> 0:04:09.760 You know, like centuries ago, I don't think there was 0:04:09.800 --> 0:04:12.920 this we roam we started as a modern age started 0:04:12.920 --> 0:04:15.880 to romanticize things because if you were really like an 0:04:15.880 --> 0:04:19.680 inca or someone who was like living on the land, 0:04:19.920 --> 0:04:21.120 you're not going to be like I. 0:04:21.120 --> 0:04:23.440 Have to meet the love of my life that trying 0:04:23.440 --> 0:04:23.839 to get. 0:04:23.760 --> 0:04:27.120 Fucking by no day know by you know, peeling potatoes 0:04:27.120 --> 0:04:30.279 that hopefully you found exactly. So I guess it is 0:04:30.440 --> 0:04:34.440 modern civilization that started to create and monetize it. Really 0:04:34.520 --> 0:04:37.120 yea nassism, because I mean, I've heard from so we 0:04:37.120 --> 0:04:40.279 hear so many people this idea. It's such a silly notion. 0:04:40.400 --> 0:04:45.039 It's like Disneyland esque. It's so someone's gonna come and 0:04:45.279 --> 0:04:48.200 you're a princess, and then when they see you, you 0:04:48.279 --> 0:04:50.800 become the princess. But you don't have to evolve, change 0:04:50.839 --> 0:04:53.159 or grow at all. It's just going to all be 0:04:53.200 --> 0:04:56.000 okay once they get once they find you absolutely and 0:04:56.040 --> 0:04:58.400 then what are they do? You realize how much power 0:04:58.440 --> 0:04:59.680 that gives another person. 0:04:59.480 --> 0:05:02.960 Also get yes, because if you give someone the power 0:05:03.000 --> 0:05:05.040 to make you, if you think someone else is going 0:05:05.080 --> 0:05:07.680 to make you happy, they also have the power to 0:05:07.680 --> 0:05:11.360 make you miserable because you're putting all the emphasis on them. 0:05:11.520 --> 0:05:15.760 It's all how they make you feel. And fulfillment is 0:05:15.800 --> 0:05:18.080 an inside job. Like someone who comes into your life. 0:05:18.120 --> 0:05:21.560 I really believe that the whole point of a relationship 0:05:21.800 --> 0:05:23.800 is to make life a little bit easier and a 0:05:23.800 --> 0:05:26.800 little bit better. There's no point in being a relationship 0:05:26.839 --> 0:05:28.840 with someone that makes your life more difficult, and a 0:05:28.880 --> 0:05:32.120 lot of people put up with that. But the reality 0:05:32.240 --> 0:05:34.840 is is that you know, the real work begins once 0:05:34.880 --> 0:05:37.400 you're in the relationship. And everyone thinks, well, once I 0:05:37.520 --> 0:05:39.960 find that person, like that's actually you know, they think 0:05:40.000 --> 0:05:40.800 that the work. 0:05:40.600 --> 0:05:42.920 Is really find it, But well, the work with another 0:05:42.960 --> 0:05:46.240 person happens once you find the relationship. But the work 0:05:46.360 --> 0:05:48.200 you could be doing the work all the time on 0:05:48.240 --> 0:05:53.080 yourself to prepare for a relationship, absolutely absolutely, which is 0:05:53.200 --> 0:05:55.760 like you know, because right, so both things are true. 0:05:56.080 --> 0:05:58.120 Both things are true, but also you can do a 0:05:58.160 --> 0:06:01.160 lot of work on yourself to prepare yourself for the relationship, 0:06:01.160 --> 0:06:03.960 which I always think you should be preparing, But you're 0:06:04.000 --> 0:06:06.280 never going to be fully prepared for what is going 0:06:06.320 --> 0:06:09.960 to come up in you when you're actually in the relationship, because. 0:06:09.720 --> 0:06:11.720 Then why would you even exist on earth if you 0:06:11.760 --> 0:06:13.080 were here to have no problems. 0:06:13.200 --> 0:06:17.919 Yeah, that's not a real thing. And I think that 0:06:17.960 --> 0:06:20.719 people don't really understand. I know, I didn't really understand 0:06:20.720 --> 0:06:24.039 what it means to actually to love that love is 0:06:24.080 --> 0:06:26.640 a practice, love is a verb, Love. 0:06:26.440 --> 0:06:27.560 Isn't just a feeling. 0:06:27.720 --> 0:06:30.640 And I think that what's embedded in this whole notion 0:06:30.680 --> 0:06:33.640 of the one in romanticism is that it's just this feeling, 0:06:34.040 --> 0:06:36.840 and so it should be easy and this person should 0:06:36.920 --> 0:06:39.039 just make me feel great and I should feel great 0:06:39.080 --> 0:06:41.839 when I'm around them. When the reality is to be 0:06:41.920 --> 0:06:44.280 in a relationship long term, you have to wake up 0:06:44.320 --> 0:06:46.440 every day and make a choice to show up, to 0:06:46.480 --> 0:06:48.200 make a choice to love this person, to make a 0:06:48.279 --> 0:06:52.039 choice to communicate. And the more complicated you are, or 0:06:52.080 --> 0:06:55.200 the more selfish you are, or the more ill equipped 0:06:55.200 --> 0:06:57.320 you are to understand what it is to mean to 0:06:57.320 --> 0:06:59.000 love someone, the more problems you're going to have in 0:06:59.040 --> 0:06:59.840 a relationship. 0:07:00.760 --> 0:07:03.520 Yes, And I also think that when you are talking 0:07:03.560 --> 0:07:07.920 about relationship and romanticizing that this ideology because I definitely 0:07:07.960 --> 0:07:10.080 felt it growing up, like Oh, I'm going to meet 0:07:10.120 --> 0:07:12.640 the one and we're going to have the greatest love 0:07:12.760 --> 0:07:15.440 story of all time. And then I started to get 0:07:15.440 --> 0:07:17.000 older and I'm like, wouldn't it be fun to have 0:07:17.040 --> 0:07:20.400 a lot of love stories instead of just one and 0:07:20.480 --> 0:07:23.560 putting all of your eggs into one basket. And the 0:07:23.600 --> 0:07:27.800 way that our society, specifically America, I mean, I think 0:07:27.800 --> 0:07:32.400 it's a global thing but it's very American to be like, oh, 0:07:32.520 --> 0:07:37.480 there's so much emphasis on spending your life with another person. 0:07:38.440 --> 0:07:40.520 That's a really long time. 0:07:41.920 --> 0:07:42.360 Longer. 0:07:42.400 --> 0:07:44.360 They say, if you can live through the next twelve 0:07:44.480 --> 0:07:46.960 or fifteen years, you can live until you're one hundred 0:07:46.960 --> 0:07:49.200 and twenty. I already talked about how I don't want that, 0:07:49.520 --> 0:07:54.360 and you can't afford that, and what am. 0:07:54.240 --> 0:07:55.560 I going to be doing stand up when I'm one 0:07:55.600 --> 0:07:58.200 hundred and eighteen years old, Like fuck, I don't want that. 0:07:58.880 --> 0:08:01.520 But because we're extending lives and everything, like it's just 0:08:01.800 --> 0:08:04.520 of course, it's a beautiful idea and concept, but it's 0:08:04.920 --> 0:08:07.400 the reality of it is just so silly. It's like, yeah, 0:08:07.520 --> 0:08:10.320 one in I don't know. I don't know what the 0:08:10.680 --> 0:08:13.160 stats are. Do you about how many couples make it 0:08:13.200 --> 0:08:15.000 past fifty years and are happy? 0:08:15.200 --> 0:08:15.920 I don't love. 0:08:16.040 --> 0:08:18.040 I actually don't know the stats. But I think that 0:08:18.440 --> 0:08:20.760 if you're going to be with someone for a really 0:08:20.760 --> 0:08:24.000 long time, let's say, let's just say even over ten years, 0:08:24.040 --> 0:08:27.520 twenty years, thirty years, you're going to have many relationships. 0:08:27.520 --> 0:08:30.520 Within the same relationship, You're going to have many if 0:08:30.520 --> 0:08:32.640 you're married to someone, it's going to be many marriages. 0:08:32.720 --> 0:08:35.080 So these are not my words, but Esther prel will say, 0:08:35.160 --> 0:08:37.920 you know, some people will have many different relationships with 0:08:37.960 --> 0:08:40.920 different people, and some people will have many different relationships 0:08:40.960 --> 0:08:43.280 with the same person. And I think that if you 0:08:43.559 --> 0:08:47.360 want to commit to someone long term, then you have 0:08:47.400 --> 0:08:51.960 to understand that fundamentally, that it is a choice. That 0:08:52.720 --> 0:08:55.320 one thing that is absolutely guaranteed in life is that 0:08:55.400 --> 0:08:59.400 nothing is permanent, right, constant We're in constant flux, and 0:08:59.440 --> 0:09:03.360 there's constant change. So to love someone long term is 0:09:03.440 --> 0:09:05.959 to be able to you have to be able to 0:09:06.000 --> 0:09:09.920 accept that there's going to be change. And I think 0:09:09.920 --> 0:09:12.680 fundamentally human beings that we really struggle with that. 0:09:13.080 --> 0:09:16.480 Yeah, because changes, change sounds scarier than it sounds like 0:09:16.520 --> 0:09:17.400 you're losing something. 0:09:17.520 --> 0:09:20.520 Yes, so many people, right, change they associate with grief. 0:09:20.679 --> 0:09:22.160 Why do you have to change? That's a loss? 0:09:22.240 --> 0:09:25.960 Change can also like putting something away and getting something 0:09:26.000 --> 0:09:28.880 else in return, doesn't mean you're losing anything. In fact, 0:09:28.880 --> 0:09:31.720 it can mean quite the opposite, that are gaining. Absolutely, 0:09:31.800 --> 0:09:34.720 so we have these it's like we've gotten this these 0:09:34.920 --> 0:09:38.240 almost energies around these terms that have gotten completely out 0:09:38.240 --> 0:09:43.959 of control. The one romanticism, you know, change, change, is good. 0:09:44.240 --> 0:09:45.080 You complete me? 0:09:45.400 --> 0:09:48.400 Yeah, yeah, you complete me? What a load of shit. 0:09:49.440 --> 0:09:50.800 My dog completes me. 0:09:51.000 --> 0:09:51.880 My dog completes me too. 0:09:51.960 --> 0:09:55.000 Please come as close to it completing me as anybody 0:09:55.000 --> 0:09:55.600 else has. 0:09:56.160 --> 0:09:58.320 So what's your situation. Are you married? 0:09:58.720 --> 0:10:03.880 No? So I was married, and the relations the marriage 0:10:04.040 --> 0:10:06.800 was actually really really painful, and how it ended was 0:10:06.840 --> 0:10:07.800 extremely painful. 0:10:08.000 --> 0:10:11.200 So let's talk about that story. Okay, yeah, that's pretty 0:10:11.920 --> 0:10:15.800 That was hard to read. I can't imagine it. Yeah, okay, 0:10:16.080 --> 0:10:18.199 I mean it's a good start to a book. Yeah, sure, 0:10:18.360 --> 0:10:19.319 yeah gets you in. 0:10:19.400 --> 0:10:21.480 He gets you in because he hooks you. Yeah. 0:10:21.679 --> 0:10:26.600 So when I started seeing him, I thought when we 0:10:26.640 --> 0:10:28.760 got married, I was thirty eight, and I thought, well, 0:10:28.920 --> 0:10:32.560 you know, I'm older, I'm wiser, I've been working with 0:10:32.600 --> 0:10:34.480 people for so many years. I know what I'm doing. 0:10:34.559 --> 0:10:36.320 But boy did I not know what I was doing. 0:10:36.840 --> 0:10:41.120 And so when our relationship leading up to marriage, I 0:10:41.120 --> 0:10:44.360 always say it was about ninety percent good because we 0:10:44.360 --> 0:10:47.040 were actually very compatible and we got along really well 0:10:47.080 --> 0:10:50.640 in many different ways. But ten percent was very problematic. 0:10:50.679 --> 0:10:54.520 Now people will say, well, no relationship is perfect. Yes, 0:10:54.679 --> 0:10:58.320 although that ten percent was extremely significant. So that when 0:10:58.360 --> 0:11:01.920 we got married, then the ten percent became the ninety percent, 0:11:02.000 --> 0:11:05.280 and the ninety percent then became the ten percent. And 0:11:05.360 --> 0:11:09.079 so people think. Another thing that people don't understand. They 0:11:09.120 --> 0:11:12.280 think that, oh, the once we get married, everything will 0:11:12.280 --> 0:11:16.440 be okay. No, no, no, no, your problems get mag get 0:11:16.480 --> 0:11:19.440 magnified once you're married and so. 0:11:19.600 --> 0:11:21.640 And then once you have children, they magnify again, and 0:11:21.679 --> 0:11:22.679 they magnify again. 0:11:23.600 --> 0:11:25.760 And this is from someone who's never been married or 0:11:25.840 --> 0:11:27.720 ever have children. And I know this to be true. 0:11:27.720 --> 0:11:29.360 And you know, yeah, because I'm sure you have many 0:11:29.400 --> 0:11:31.599 people in your life who are married with kids. 0:11:31.760 --> 0:11:34.360 And I'm psychic, and you're telling me when I look 0:11:34.400 --> 0:11:35.520 at a couple of what's going on? 0:11:35.679 --> 0:11:39.600 Yeah, but no, it's true, it's true. But it's interesting. 0:11:39.600 --> 0:11:41.240 I've never heard of put this way, the ten and 0:11:41.320 --> 0:11:41.960 ninety flip. 0:11:42.160 --> 0:11:42.439 Yeah. 0:11:42.880 --> 0:11:46.360 So that was and it's because of a lot of 0:11:46.360 --> 0:11:50.640 different things, red flags that I didn't see and didn't understand, 0:11:50.800 --> 0:11:54.679 Like we didn't have certain conversations that were incredibly important. 0:11:55.000 --> 0:11:57.360 There were certain things that I weren't that I wasn't 0:11:57.400 --> 0:11:58.880 saying because I was so afraid to. 0:11:58.880 --> 0:11:59.560 Rock the boat. 0:12:00.160 --> 0:12:02.160 And about having children. 0:12:03.000 --> 0:12:05.240 Part of it was about having children. Part of it 0:12:05.280 --> 0:12:07.800 was just about certain things that upset me in the relationship, 0:12:07.880 --> 0:12:09.520 things that you just need to talk about, you know, 0:12:09.559 --> 0:12:11.560 you need to sit down and have a conversation about. 0:12:12.160 --> 0:12:15.240 But I you know, there was a very and I 0:12:15.360 --> 0:12:17.319 write about in the book, there was a very significant 0:12:17.400 --> 0:12:19.400 night that should have been a deal breaker for me, 0:12:19.880 --> 0:12:22.920 or should have at least been a very serious conversation 0:12:23.040 --> 0:12:25.640 that I sat down and had with him, But for me, 0:12:26.040 --> 0:12:30.280 it was more just like, let me suppress how horrible 0:12:30.360 --> 0:12:33.920 that felt, because I don't want to face the possibility 0:12:33.920 --> 0:12:37.520 of this not being the one and this is that 0:12:37.679 --> 0:12:39.920 is something that millions of people do. 0:12:40.080 --> 0:12:42.480 And what was the incident? Can you tell us? Yeah? 0:12:42.520 --> 0:12:43.880 I mean I talk about it in the book, but 0:12:44.280 --> 0:12:46.000 let me share about it a little bit here because 0:12:46.000 --> 0:12:48.200 it's important. Like we went to this event in New 0:12:48.280 --> 0:12:49.800 York City called Sleep No More. 0:12:50.240 --> 0:12:52.360 I don't know if I've been there. Yeah, yeah, I 0:12:52.400 --> 0:12:52.880 went there. 0:12:53.160 --> 0:12:55.800 So you know that when you're there, they put they 0:12:55.800 --> 0:12:57.800 give you masks, and everyone have the same mask, and 0:12:57.840 --> 0:13:01.120 then they separate you from who from whoever you went 0:13:01.120 --> 0:13:05.160 there with. And he was on the way there, he 0:13:05.280 --> 0:13:07.160 was acting weird, he was shut down. I had no 0:13:07.240 --> 0:13:09.160 idea what was going on. That was something that was 0:13:09.240 --> 0:13:11.600 very familiar from my father. My father would shut down 0:13:11.640 --> 0:13:14.040 a lot, and then you would never know what his 0:13:14.200 --> 0:13:14.880 mood would be. 0:13:15.400 --> 0:13:16.800 So I didn't. 0:13:16.559 --> 0:13:20.240 Realize because I had had, you know, my prior to him, 0:13:20.600 --> 0:13:24.559 I'd had some really beautiful relationships where like the trauma 0:13:24.600 --> 0:13:28.120 from my past was not ignited, but this one was right. 0:13:28.160 --> 0:13:29.480 So there's no What do you. 0:13:29.440 --> 0:13:30.360 Think about that though? 0:13:30.520 --> 0:13:30.600 Like? 0:13:30.679 --> 0:13:31.319 Why is it? 0:13:31.400 --> 0:13:33.719 Sometimes? I mean, if the whole point of being here 0:13:33.800 --> 0:13:34.640 is to learn and to. 0:13:34.600 --> 0:13:37.800 Grow, Yeah, so when you're in a relationship that isn't 0:13:38.600 --> 0:13:40.719 bringing something up, what's the point of that? 0:13:41.000 --> 0:13:42.720 Or maybe you're there for the other person. 0:13:42.880 --> 0:13:44.360 I don't think you should be in I don't think 0:13:44.440 --> 0:13:47.200 that being in a relationship that is constantly triggering your 0:13:47.240 --> 0:13:49.200 suffering and your past is a good relationship. 0:13:49.280 --> 0:13:50.520 I don't think that should be constant. 0:13:50.720 --> 0:13:53.439 I think if that's happening and two people are like, whoa, 0:13:54.400 --> 0:13:56.600 this is what's happening, and then they can work on 0:13:56.679 --> 0:14:02.040 it and keel together, that's wonderful And that's definitely a possibility. 0:14:02.520 --> 0:14:04.640 Why in the past was I in a relationship that 0:14:04.800 --> 0:14:08.680 wasn't reminiscent of my relationship my trauma with my father, 0:14:08.760 --> 0:14:13.240 and then later, because context matters. It matters where you 0:14:13.280 --> 0:14:16.120 are in your life, it matters how old you are, 0:14:16.280 --> 0:14:20.160 what other stressors are in your life. Context matters. 0:14:20.960 --> 0:14:21.200 You know. 0:14:21.280 --> 0:14:24.400 It's like, you could be anxiously very anxious in one 0:14:24.480 --> 0:14:27.120 relationship and not anxious in another, and part of that 0:14:27.160 --> 0:14:29.840 has to do with who you're with. And it's like, oh, well, 0:14:29.840 --> 0:14:31.800 why were you attracted to the person who treats you 0:14:31.840 --> 0:14:33.880 like shit in one stage of your life but not 0:14:33.920 --> 0:14:36.000 in another? But what was going on in that stage 0:14:36.000 --> 0:14:36.440 of your life? 0:14:36.560 --> 0:14:36.760 Yeah? 0:14:36.840 --> 0:14:39.240 Yeah, yeah, right right, okay, so back to sleep no more? 0:14:39.320 --> 0:14:42.480 So back to sleep no more? So he was acting weird. 0:14:42.600 --> 0:14:45.200 I had no idea. I went to the familiar thing 0:14:45.240 --> 0:14:48.240 of just sort of like, what's wrong, And then you 0:14:48.240 --> 0:14:50.760 know he's saying nothing's wrong, and so I'm all anxious 0:14:50.840 --> 0:14:53.680 as opposed to something. What I would do today is 0:14:54.600 --> 0:14:56.400 maybe not in that moment, but I would have had 0:14:56.400 --> 0:14:59.160 a conversation with him like something was definitely off. I 0:14:59.160 --> 0:15:01.440 don't like how it feels. We need to talk about it, 0:15:01.520 --> 0:15:04.040 because my standard is if you can't talk about what's 0:15:04.080 --> 0:15:06.680 going on inside of you, we're not going to be 0:15:06.720 --> 0:15:12.000 in a relationship. Maybe you know, I'm also sensitive to timing. 0:15:12.200 --> 0:15:13.560 It's not going to be all in my timing that 0:15:13.600 --> 0:15:16.240 we have the conversation. But if you can't have a 0:15:16.280 --> 0:15:19.680 conversation about something that's bothering you and you're just going 0:15:19.720 --> 0:15:21.800 to shut down, you don't have a chance with me. 0:15:22.640 --> 0:15:26.080 Right But back then, all I could think was fear. 0:15:26.560 --> 0:15:30.200 So we go to sleep no more and we're separated. 0:15:31.080 --> 0:15:34.000 But there were many times throughout the course of the night. 0:15:34.800 --> 0:15:36.880 You know, you recognize even with the mask, you know 0:15:36.920 --> 0:15:38.840 who your partner is, you know what they're wearing, you 0:15:38.880 --> 0:15:42.480 know their body. And when I would see him, I 0:15:42.480 --> 0:15:45.080 would be like, oh, yes, now we're going to reunite, 0:15:45.360 --> 0:15:48.760 and he would act like he didn't see me. And 0:15:48.800 --> 0:15:51.680 then I don't know what was going on with him 0:15:51.680 --> 0:15:56.720 that night, and it just sort of blew over and 0:15:56.760 --> 0:16:00.000 I never addressed it again. And that was very very 0:16:00.200 --> 0:16:04.840 significant because that was mean and it was very rejecting. 0:16:04.840 --> 0:16:08.600 I mean, it was very weird. But it's not about him. 0:16:08.720 --> 0:16:11.360 It's about me. It's about the fact that I. 0:16:11.280 --> 0:16:12.040 Didn't say anything. 0:16:12.080 --> 0:16:14.680 It's about like, what was going on with me that 0:16:14.800 --> 0:16:17.240 I was too afraid to bring this up. So it's 0:16:17.400 --> 0:16:20.240 really I really want people to stop blaming the other 0:16:20.360 --> 0:16:22.520 and to look within and be like, what's my pattern here? 0:16:22.840 --> 0:16:25.400 What is it? Get curious about yourself. 0:16:27.120 --> 0:16:29.920 So now, so you do a lot of couples counseling. 0:16:30.560 --> 0:16:34.080 So when I first embarked in on this journey of 0:16:34.160 --> 0:16:37.240 helping people in their relationships, I worked with hundreds of 0:16:37.320 --> 0:16:40.240 couples because when we when he and I went to 0:16:40.280 --> 0:16:42.760 couple's therapy, was terrible, and I thought there has to 0:16:42.800 --> 0:16:43.840 be another way. 0:16:43.960 --> 0:16:45.080 Well, it was so bad about it. 0:16:45.560 --> 0:16:47.080 No one was holding anyone accountable. 0:16:47.840 --> 0:16:50.040 You know, when I work with people, and when I 0:16:50.440 --> 0:16:53.400 consider a good therapist is someone who's holding you accountable 0:16:54.240 --> 0:16:56.120 and being like, look, this is what's going on, and 0:16:56.160 --> 0:16:59.880 really helping us understand what's underneath it all. But holding accountable. 0:17:00.000 --> 0:17:01.680 It's not about like let me hold your hand and 0:17:01.760 --> 0:17:02.400 let me hold. 0:17:02.280 --> 0:17:04.240 Your hand and play. I agree, you know. 0:17:04.320 --> 0:17:06.199 It can't be like you have to be compassionate, but 0:17:06.240 --> 0:17:08.520 you also have to be you have to tell the truth, yes, 0:17:08.600 --> 0:17:10.479 as a counselor coach therapist. 0:17:10.600 --> 0:17:12.600 Otherwise it becomes a form of enabling. 0:17:13.040 --> 0:17:14.720 Yeah, and then no one's getting better. Yeah. 0:17:14.800 --> 0:17:17.320 I don't understand that approach and I don't like it 0:17:17.359 --> 0:17:18.920 because yeah. 0:17:18.560 --> 0:17:20.880 Yeah, so I thought there had to be another way, 0:17:20.880 --> 0:17:22.680 and so I really wanted to help couples. 0:17:23.080 --> 0:17:24.000 And then I was. 0:17:23.960 --> 0:17:26.320 Like, well, you know, I really like working with individuals too, 0:17:26.359 --> 0:17:31.119 people who are heartbroken because I was devastated and I 0:17:31.160 --> 0:17:33.480 rebuilt my life, so I like helping people rebuild their 0:17:33.480 --> 0:17:36.760 life after devastation. I liked working with I was like, Wow, 0:17:37.560 --> 0:17:39.720 so much of this is who you pick. It's who 0:17:39.720 --> 0:17:42.520 you choose, and so many people are choosing terrible partners 0:17:42.600 --> 0:17:45.719 or try or going out into dating pool feeling desperate. 0:17:45.800 --> 0:17:48.240 Choose me, pick me, pick me, pick me, Let me 0:17:48.240 --> 0:17:52.000 help some individuals. So I like helping people sort of 0:17:52.040 --> 0:17:53.080 like in every area and. 0:17:53.119 --> 0:17:57.919 Journey in every area, but do you have rehiphip not 0:17:58.000 --> 0:18:00.000 on every area, in every stage of where they are 0:18:00.160 --> 0:18:03.199 in their relationship, Okay, And also helping people who are 0:18:03.240 --> 0:18:04.600 really like looking for love. 0:18:04.760 --> 0:18:06.840 Oh yeah I love that. Yeah I love helping people 0:18:06.840 --> 0:18:07.360 look for love. 0:18:07.480 --> 0:18:10.359 Yeah, well who wouldn't love that? Yeah that's spreading love? 0:18:10.560 --> 0:18:12.680 Yeah, absolutely wonderful. Yeah. 0:18:12.800 --> 0:18:14.600 Yeah, it's hard to when you're the way you're talking 0:18:14.640 --> 0:18:16.960