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Speaker 1: Hi, Catherine, Hi Chelsea, how are you Hi? I'm good.

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Speaker 2: I'm staying at a hotel in Los Angeles while I

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Speaker 2: record my audio book. I've been recording my audiobook for

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Speaker 2: the last two days. Today should be the last day

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Speaker 2: if you haven't pre ordered my book, I'll Have What

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Speaker 2: She's Having. It comes out February twenty fifth. And I

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Speaker 2: didn't smoke any weed or drink alcohol for three days

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Speaker 2: leading up to my audiobook recording so that I could

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Speaker 2: sound as crisp as possible. Because of so many of

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Speaker 2: my fans listen to my audio books, especially for my

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Speaker 2: last audiobook, so I really wanted to.

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Speaker 1: Deliver on that. That is real commitment, Chelsea, That is commitment.

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Speaker 1: I'm a professional.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, And you know what, I love listening to a

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Speaker 3: comedy like a book by a comedian read by the author.

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Speaker 1: Like that's the way to go for those, right right?

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Speaker 1: What else is happening? Updates? Updates? I'm moving back into

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Speaker 1: my house tomorrow.

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Speaker 2: Oh, the Critics' Choice Awards are now February seventh, Friday night,

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Speaker 2: February seventh, so they've been moved to that date, so

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Speaker 2: I will be hosting those. And the fires are they

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Speaker 2: are almost contained.

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Speaker 1: I wouldn't say they are fully contained.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I think they're mostly contained. It seems like they're

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Speaker 3: not threatening homes much anymore. They're not covering it on

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Speaker 3: the news at least, so not totally out. But now

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Speaker 3: it's sort of like moving into what do we do

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Speaker 3: now and rebuilding. Yeah, you know, something I heard from

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Speaker 3: several people that I think is really important to remember

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Speaker 3: is that, like, you know, we all give to our

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Speaker 3: gofundmes and friends and people, you know, and Red Cross

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Speaker 3: and all that good stuff. And I think people are

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Speaker 3: going to be realizing what they need a little bit

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Speaker 3: further down the line, like in a few months when

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Speaker 3: they start the rebuilding process or start to sort of

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Speaker 3: get life figured out, Like people may need more help

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Speaker 3: than so like check in, check in on folks.

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Speaker 1: Absolutely absolutely.

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Speaker 2: Our guest today is a certified relationship coach, author, teacher,

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Speaker 2: and host of the podcast Jillian on Love. Her new

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Speaker 2: book It Begins with You The Nine Hard Truths about

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Speaker 2: Love that will Change Your Life. It's out now. Please

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Speaker 2: welcome Jillian to Reki. Jillian, Welcome, Welcome to Dear Chelsea.

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Speaker 4: Thank you for having me.

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Speaker 2: I love books, all books, and then I love self

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Speaker 2: help books. Especially when I'm in the right mood and

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Speaker 2: I'm in the mood for self help. So your new book,

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Speaker 2: which is called It Begins with You, The Nine Hard

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Speaker 2: Truths about Love that will Change Your Life, is out now.

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Speaker 2: So the nine Hard Truths, I feel like some of

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Speaker 2: them are obvious truths, and then some of them aren't

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Speaker 2: so obvious.

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Speaker 4: Would you agree with me? Yeah, I absolutely would.

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Speaker 1: And which ones are not the obvious ones? In your opinion?

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Speaker 5: It begins with you. I don't think is that obvious

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Speaker 5: to people. It might be obvious to people who actually

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Speaker 5: maybe do a lot of inner work, but I don't

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Speaker 5: think it's that obvious to people. And I think what's

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Speaker 5: not also not obvious is I don't know, the mind

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Speaker 5: is a battlefield. I mean, I think people also know that,

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Speaker 5: but don't really understand how that actually directly impacts.

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Speaker 4: The quality of your relationships.

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Speaker 5: Right that making peace with your parents might not be

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Speaker 5: so obvious, What do you think is not?

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Speaker 2: I think making peace with your parents is not as obvious.

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Speaker 2: I think everyone realizes that that's necessary, even though I

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Speaker 2: do believe it tugs at everybody. You know, everyone has

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Speaker 2: their biggest problems or their parents, whether they know it

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Speaker 2: or not. And then the other one that is, no

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Speaker 2: one is coming to save you. Yeah, no one is

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Speaker 2: coming to save which is bad news. Yeah, yeah, it's

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Speaker 2: bad news, but it's important news for you to know.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, absolutely, yeah, no one is coming to save you.

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Speaker 5: I mean, you know, I think that I know for

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Speaker 5: me and everyone who I've worked with. It's not necessarily conscious,

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Speaker 5: but a lot of people will say, well, once I

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Speaker 5: meet that person, once I meet the one, then then yeah,

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Speaker 5: then I'll feel okay, Then things will be okay, then

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Speaker 5: my problems will go away. And even if they're not,

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Speaker 5: even on some intellectual level, they know that's not true.

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Speaker 5: There's so much emphasis on Stockham like this right person

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Speaker 5: and when this right person comes into your life, everything's

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Speaker 5: going to fall into place, and it's not true.

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Speaker 1: But where did that begin?

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Speaker 4: Do you think with romanticism?

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Speaker 2: I mean it seems pretty obvious, but I'm like, who

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Speaker 2: started it?

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Speaker 1: Like, you know, because.

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Speaker 2: You know, like centuries ago, I don't think there was

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Speaker 2: this we roam we started as a modern age started

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Speaker 2: to romanticize things because if you were really like an

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Speaker 2: inca or someone who was like living on the land,

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Speaker 2: you're not going to be like I.

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Speaker 1: Have to meet the love of my life that trying

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Speaker 1: to get.

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Speaker 2: Fucking by no day know by you know, peeling potatoes

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Speaker 2: that hopefully you found exactly. So I guess it is

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Speaker 2: modern civilization that started to create and monetize it. Really

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Speaker 2: yea nassism, because I mean, I've heard from so we

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Speaker 2: hear so many people this idea. It's such a silly notion.

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Speaker 2: It's like Disneyland esque. It's so someone's gonna come and

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Speaker 2: you're a princess, and then when they see you, you

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Speaker 2: become the princess. But you don't have to evolve, change

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Speaker 2: or grow at all. It's just going to all be

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Speaker 2: okay once they get once they find you absolutely and

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Speaker 2: then what are they do? You realize how much power

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Speaker 2: that gives another person.

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Speaker 5: Also get yes, because if you give someone the power

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Speaker 5: to make you, if you think someone else is going

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Speaker 5: to make you happy, they also have the power to

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Speaker 5: make you miserable because you're putting all the emphasis on them.

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Speaker 5: It's all how they make you feel. And fulfillment is

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Speaker 5: an inside job. Like someone who comes into your life.

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Speaker 5: I really believe that the whole point of a relationship

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Speaker 5: is to make life a little bit easier and a

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Speaker 5: little bit better. There's no point in being a relationship

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Speaker 5: with someone that makes your life more difficult, and a

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Speaker 5: lot of people put up with that. But the reality

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Speaker 5: is is that you know, the real work begins once

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Speaker 5: you're in the relationship. And everyone thinks, well, once I

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Speaker 5: find that person, like that's actually you know, they think

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Speaker 5: that the work.

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Speaker 2: Is really find it, But well, the work with another

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Speaker 2: person happens once you find the relationship. But the work

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Speaker 2: you could be doing the work all the time on

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Speaker 2: yourself to prepare for a relationship, absolutely absolutely, which is

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Speaker 2: like you know, because right, so both things are true.

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Speaker 5: Both things are true, but also you can do a

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Speaker 5: lot of work on yourself to prepare yourself for the relationship,

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Speaker 5: which I always think you should be preparing, But you're

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Speaker 5: never going to be fully prepared for what is going

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Speaker 5: to come up in you when you're actually in the relationship, because.

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Speaker 2: Then why would you even exist on earth if you

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Speaker 2: were here to have no problems.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, that's not a real thing. And I think that

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Speaker 5: people don't really understand. I know, I didn't really understand

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Speaker 5: what it means to actually to love that love is

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Speaker 5: a practice, love is a verb, Love.

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Speaker 4: Isn't just a feeling.

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Speaker 5: And I think that what's embedded in this whole notion

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Speaker 5: of the one in romanticism is that it's just this feeling,

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Speaker 5: and so it should be easy and this person should

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Speaker 5: just make me feel great and I should feel great

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Speaker 5: when I'm around them. When the reality is to be

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Speaker 5: in a relationship long term, you have to wake up

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Speaker 5: every day and make a choice to show up, to

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Speaker 5: make a choice to love this person, to make a

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Speaker 5: choice to communicate. And the more complicated you are, or

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Speaker 5: the more selfish you are, or the more ill equipped

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Speaker 5: you are to understand what it is to mean to

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Speaker 5: love someone, the more problems you're going to have in

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Speaker 5: a relationship.

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Speaker 2: Yes, And I also think that when you are talking

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Speaker 2: about relationship and romanticizing that this ideology because I definitely

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Speaker 2: felt it growing up, like Oh, I'm going to meet

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Speaker 2: the one and we're going to have the greatest love

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Speaker 2: story of all time. And then I started to get

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Speaker 2: older and I'm like, wouldn't it be fun to have

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Speaker 2: a lot of love stories instead of just one and

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Speaker 2: putting all of your eggs into one basket. And the

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Speaker 2: way that our society, specifically America, I mean, I think

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Speaker 2: it's a global thing but it's very American to be like, oh,

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Speaker 2: there's so much emphasis on spending your life with another person.

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Speaker 1: That's a really long time.

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Speaker 3: Longer.

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Speaker 2: They say, if you can live through the next twelve

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Speaker 2: or fifteen years, you can live until you're one hundred

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Speaker 2: and twenty. I already talked about how I don't want that,

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Speaker 2: and you can't afford that, and what am.

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Speaker 1: I going to be doing stand up when I'm one

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Speaker 1: hundred and eighteen years old, Like fuck, I don't want that.

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Speaker 2: But because we're extending lives and everything, like it's just

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Speaker 2: of course, it's a beautiful idea and concept, but it's

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Speaker 2: the reality of it is just so silly. It's like, yeah,

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Speaker 2: one in I don't know. I don't know what the

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Speaker 2: stats are. Do you about how many couples make it

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Speaker 2: past fifty years and are happy?

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Speaker 4: I don't love.

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Speaker 5: I actually don't know the stats. But I think that

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Speaker 5: if you're going to be with someone for a really

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Speaker 5: long time, let's say, let's just say even over ten years,

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Speaker 5: twenty years, thirty years, you're going to have many relationships.

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Speaker 5: Within the same relationship, You're going to have many if

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Speaker 5: you're married to someone, it's going to be many marriages.

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Speaker 5: So these are not my words, but Esther prel will say,

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Speaker 5: you know, some people will have many different relationships with

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Speaker 5: different people, and some people will have many different relationships

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Speaker 5: with the same person. And I think that if you

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Speaker 5: want to commit to someone long term, then you have

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Speaker 5: to understand that fundamentally, that it is a choice. That

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Speaker 5: one thing that is absolutely guaranteed in life is that

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Speaker 5: nothing is permanent, right, constant We're in constant flux, and

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Speaker 5: there's constant change. So to love someone long term is

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Speaker 5: to be able to you have to be able to

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Speaker 5: accept that there's going to be change. And I think

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Speaker 5: fundamentally human beings that we really struggle with that.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, because changes, change sounds scarier than it sounds like

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Speaker 2: you're losing something.

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Speaker 4: Yes, so many people, right, change they associate with grief.

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Speaker 1: Why do you have to change? That's a loss?

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Speaker 2: Change can also like putting something away and getting something

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Speaker 2: else in return, doesn't mean you're losing anything. In fact,

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Speaker 2: it can mean quite the opposite, that are gaining. Absolutely,

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Speaker 2: so we have these it's like we've gotten this these

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Speaker 2: almost energies around these terms that have gotten completely out

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Speaker 2: of control. The one romanticism, you know, change, change, is good.

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Speaker 4: You complete me?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, you complete me? What a load of shit.

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Speaker 1: My dog completes me.

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Speaker 4: My dog completes me too.

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Speaker 2: Please come as close to it completing me as anybody

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Speaker 2: else has.

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Speaker 1: So what's your situation. Are you married?

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Speaker 5: No? So I was married, and the relations the marriage

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Speaker 5: was actually really really painful, and how it ended was

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Speaker 5: extremely painful.

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Speaker 2: So let's talk about that story. Okay, yeah, that's pretty

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Speaker 2: That was hard to read. I can't imagine it. Yeah, okay,

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Speaker 2: I mean it's a good start to a book. Yeah, sure,

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Speaker 2: yeah gets you in.

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Speaker 4: He gets you in because he hooks you. Yeah.

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Speaker 5: So when I started seeing him, I thought when we

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Speaker 5: got married, I was thirty eight, and I thought, well,

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Speaker 5: you know, I'm older, I'm wiser, I've been working with

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Speaker 5: people for so many years. I know what I'm doing.

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Speaker 5: But boy did I not know what I was doing.

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Speaker 5: And so when our relationship leading up to marriage, I

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Speaker 5: always say it was about ninety percent good because we

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Speaker 5: were actually very compatible and we got along really well

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Speaker 5: in many different ways. But ten percent was very problematic.

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Speaker 5: Now people will say, well, no relationship is perfect. Yes,

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Speaker 5: although that ten percent was extremely significant. So that when

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Speaker 5: we got married, then the ten percent became the ninety percent,

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Speaker 5: and the ninety percent then became the ten percent. And

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Speaker 5: so people think. Another thing that people don't understand. They

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Speaker 5: think that, oh, the once we get married, everything will

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Speaker 5: be okay. No, no, no, no, your problems get mag get

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Speaker 5: magnified once you're married and so.

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Speaker 2: And then once you have children, they magnify again, and

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Speaker 2: they magnify again.

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Speaker 1: And this is from someone who's never been married or

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Speaker 1: ever have children. And I know this to be true.

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Speaker 5: And you know, yeah, because I'm sure you have many

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Speaker 5: people in your life who are married with kids.

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Speaker 1: And I'm psychic, and you're telling me when I look

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Speaker 1: at a couple of what's going on?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, but no, it's true, it's true. But it's interesting.

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Speaker 2: I've never heard of put this way, the ten and

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Speaker 2: ninety flip.

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Speaker 4: Yeah.

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Speaker 5: So that was and it's because of a lot of

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Speaker 5: different things, red flags that I didn't see and didn't understand,

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Speaker 5: Like we didn't have certain conversations that were incredibly important.

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Speaker 5: There were certain things that I weren't that I wasn't

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Speaker 5: saying because I was so afraid to.

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Speaker 4: Rock the boat.

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Speaker 1: And about having children.

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Speaker 5: Part of it was about having children. Part of it

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Speaker 5: was just about certain things that upset me in the relationship,

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Speaker 5: things that you just need to talk about, you know,

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Speaker 5: you need to sit down and have a conversation about.

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Speaker 5: But I you know, there was a very and I

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Speaker 5: write about in the book, there was a very significant

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Speaker 5: night that should have been a deal breaker for me,

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Speaker 5: or should have at least been a very serious conversation

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Speaker 5: that I sat down and had with him, But for me,

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Speaker 5: it was more just like, let me suppress how horrible

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Speaker 5: that felt, because I don't want to face the possibility

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Speaker 5: of this not being the one and this is that

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Speaker 5: is something that millions of people do.

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Speaker 1: And what was the incident? Can you tell us? Yeah?

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Speaker 5: I mean I talk about it in the book, but

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Speaker 5: let me share about it a little bit here because

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Speaker 5: it's important. Like we went to this event in New

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Speaker 5: York City called Sleep No More.

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Speaker 1: I don't know if I've been there. Yeah, yeah, I

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Speaker 1: went there.

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Speaker 5: So you know that when you're there, they put they

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Speaker 5: give you masks, and everyone have the same mask, and

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Speaker 5: then they separate you from who from whoever you went

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Speaker 5: there with. And he was on the way there, he

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Speaker 5: was acting weird, he was shut down. I had no

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Speaker 5: idea what was going on. That was something that was

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Speaker 5: very familiar from my father. My father would shut down

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Speaker 5: a lot, and then you would never know what his

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Speaker 5: mood would be.

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Speaker 4: So I didn't.

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Speaker 5: Realize because I had had, you know, my prior to him,

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Speaker 5: I'd had some really beautiful relationships where like the trauma

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Speaker 5: from my past was not ignited, but this one was right.

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Speaker 4: So there's no What do you.

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Speaker 1: Think about that though?

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Speaker 5: Like?

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Speaker 4: Why is it?

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Speaker 1: Sometimes? I mean, if the whole point of being here

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Speaker 1: is to learn and to.

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Speaker 2: Grow, Yeah, so when you're in a relationship that isn't

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Speaker 2: bringing something up, what's the point of that?

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Speaker 1: Or maybe you're there for the other person.

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Speaker 5: I don't think you should be in I don't think

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Speaker 5: that being in a relationship that is constantly triggering your

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Speaker 5: suffering and your past is a good relationship.

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Speaker 4: I don't think that should be constant.

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Speaker 5: I think if that's happening and two people are like, whoa,

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Speaker 5: this is what's happening, and then they can work on

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Speaker 5: it and keel together, that's wonderful And that's definitely a possibility.

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Speaker 5: Why in the past was I in a relationship that

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Speaker 5: wasn't reminiscent of my relationship my trauma with my father,

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Speaker 5: and then later, because context matters. It matters where you

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Speaker 5: are in your life, it matters how old you are,

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Speaker 5: what other stressors are in your life. Context matters.

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Speaker 6: You know.

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Speaker 5: It's like, you could be anxiously very anxious in one

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Speaker 5: relationship and not anxious in another, and part of that

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Speaker 5: has to do with who you're with. And it's like, oh, well,

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Speaker 5: why were you attracted to the person who treats you

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Speaker 5: like shit in one stage of your life but not

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Speaker 5: in another? But what was going on in that stage

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Speaker 5: of your life?

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Speaker 2: Yeah?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, right right, okay, so back to sleep no more?

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Speaker 5: So back to sleep no more? So he was acting weird.

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Speaker 5: I had no idea. I went to the familiar thing

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Speaker 5: of just sort of like, what's wrong, And then you

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Speaker 5: know he's saying nothing's wrong, and so I'm all anxious

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Speaker 5: as opposed to something. What I would do today is

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Speaker 5: maybe not in that moment, but I would have had

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Speaker 5: a conversation with him like something was definitely off. I

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Speaker 5: don't like how it feels. We need to talk about it,

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Speaker 5: because my standard is if you can't talk about what's

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Speaker 5: going on inside of you, we're not going to be

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Speaker 5: in a relationship. Maybe you know, I'm also sensitive to timing.

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Speaker 5: It's not going to be all in my timing that

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Speaker 5: we have the conversation. But if you can't have a

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Speaker 5: conversation about something that's bothering you and you're just going

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Speaker 5: to shut down, you don't have a chance with me.

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Speaker 5: Right But back then, all I could think was fear.

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Speaker 5: So we go to sleep no more and we're separated.

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Speaker 5: But there were many times throughout the course of the night.

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Speaker 5: You know, you recognize even with the mask, you know

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Speaker 5: who your partner is, you know what they're wearing, you

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Speaker 5: know their body. And when I would see him, I

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Speaker 5: would be like, oh, yes, now we're going to reunite,

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Speaker 5: and he would act like he didn't see me. And

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Speaker 5: then I don't know what was going on with him

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Speaker 5: that night, and it just sort of blew over and

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Speaker 5: I never addressed it again. And that was very very

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Speaker 5: significant because that was mean and it was very rejecting.

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Speaker 5: I mean, it was very weird. But it's not about him.

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Speaker 5: It's about me. It's about the fact that I.

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Speaker 4: Didn't say anything.

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Speaker 5: It's about like, what was going on with me that

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Speaker 5: I was too afraid to bring this up. So it's

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Speaker 5: really I really want people to stop blaming the other

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Speaker 5: and to look within and be like, what's my pattern here?

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Speaker 4: What is it? Get curious about yourself.

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Speaker 1: So now, so you do a lot of couples counseling.

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Speaker 5: So when I first embarked in on this journey of

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Speaker 5: helping people in their relationships, I worked with hundreds of

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Speaker 5: couples because when we when he and I went to

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Speaker 5: couple's therapy, was terrible, and I thought there has to

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Speaker 5: be another way.

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Speaker 1: Well, it was so bad about it.

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Speaker 4: No one was holding anyone accountable.

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Speaker 5: You know, when I work with people, and when I

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Speaker 5: consider a good therapist is someone who's holding you accountable

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Speaker 5: and being like, look, this is what's going on, and

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Speaker 5: really helping us understand what's underneath it all. But holding accountable.

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Speaker 5: It's not about like let me hold your hand and

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Speaker 5: let me hold.

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Speaker 4: Your hand and play. I agree, you know.

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Speaker 5: It can't be like you have to be compassionate, but

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Speaker 5: you also have to be you have to tell the truth, yes,

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Speaker 5: as a counselor coach therapist.

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Speaker 1: Otherwise it becomes a form of enabling.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, and then no one's getting better. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: I don't understand that approach and I don't like it

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Speaker 2: because yeah.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, so I thought there had to be another way,

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Speaker 5: and so I really wanted to help couples.

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Speaker 4: And then I was.

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Speaker 5: Like, well, you know, I really like working with individuals too,

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Speaker 5: people who are heartbroken because I was devastated and I

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Speaker 5: rebuilt my life, so I like helping people rebuild their

385
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Speaker 5: life after devastation. I liked working with I was like, Wow,

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Speaker 5: so much of this is who you pick. It's who

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Speaker 5: you choose, and so many people are choosing terrible partners

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Speaker 5: or try or going out into dating pool feeling desperate.

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Speaker 5: Choose me, pick me, pick me, pick me, Let me

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Speaker 5: help some individuals. So I like helping people sort of

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Speaker 5: like in every area and.

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Speaker 2: Journey in every area, but do you have rehiphip not

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Speaker 2: on every area, in every stage of where they are

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Speaker 2: in their relationship, Okay, And also helping people who are

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Speaker 2: really like looking for love.

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Speaker 4: Oh yeah I love that. Yeah I love helping people

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Speaker 4: look for love.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, well who wouldn't love that? Yeah that's spreading love?

399
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Speaker 4: Yeah, absolutely wonderful. Yeah.

400
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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's hard to when you're the way you're talking

401
00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:16,960
Speaker 2: about it just makes me think, you know, everywhere, every

402
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:20,000
Speaker 2: person is in a different place on their quote unquote journey,

403
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Speaker 2: and some people aren't even on a fucking journey, you

404
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:26,040
Speaker 2: know what I mean, they're just like whatever. So it's

405
00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:29,080
Speaker 2: like when people kind of cross paths. You know, I'm

406
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Speaker 2: not one of those people who thinks everything happens for

407
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Speaker 2: a reason, but I think many things do.

408
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Speaker 1: And sometimes it really has nothing to do with.

409
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Speaker 2: You, Like you're not the A character and every and

410
00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:40,280
Speaker 2: every story you're not you're the A character, and you're yeah,

411
00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:41,679
Speaker 2: sometimes you're here for other people.

412
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Speaker 4: Yeah yeah.

413
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Speaker 2: So I just always find it interesting where people cross

414
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Speaker 2: paths because it's like you also, like if two people

415
00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:49,399
Speaker 2: come together and there is no friction and there is

416
00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:51,879
Speaker 2: just like la la la la, la la la.

417
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Speaker 1: That sounds suspicious too.

418
00:18:54,119 --> 00:18:57,399
Speaker 2: You want to be unearthing, like you want to be

419
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Speaker 2: looking within and improving and without friction, and there's no

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Speaker 2: reason to do that absolutely.

421
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Speaker 5: And also what causes chemistry ignites chemistry between two people,

422
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:10,960
Speaker 5: it's like differences and also whending nights chemistry between two people,

423
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:14,080
Speaker 5: it's like, oh, you're your own person, and so am

424
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Speaker 5: I let's like rumble a little bit with this. But

425
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Speaker 5: to what degree? It should not be chaos? It should

426
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Speaker 5: not be chaos. If there's chaos, something's wrong.

427
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Speaker 2: Mm hmm, Okay, I just want to read a couple

428
00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:29,080
Speaker 2: more of these. Just less is not the same thing

429
00:19:29,119 --> 00:19:31,720
Speaker 2: as love. And also, like I think I wrote this

430
00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:34,240
Speaker 2: in my new book that something about you know, don't

431
00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:36,960
Speaker 2: confuse missing somebody, you.

432
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Speaker 1: Know, with belonging with someone.

433
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:41,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely, right, Like those two things kind of sound familiar.

434
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Speaker 4: Yeah, absolutely.

435
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:46,280
Speaker 5: I mean I think so when we meet someone and

436
00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:49,879
Speaker 5: we're attracted, we can lose our minds a little bit,

437
00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:53,880
Speaker 5: you know, And that's oftentimes when we throw our standards

438
00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:56,000
Speaker 5: out the window and we think, oh, this person has

439
00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:58,280
Speaker 5: to be the person, and we think, oh, they are

440
00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:00,119
Speaker 5: the person, And a lot of people what they do

441
00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:02,000
Speaker 5: is they move really fast, They play house with each

442
00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:07,600
Speaker 5: other even though they're strangers. And again it's that feeling

443
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:10,640
Speaker 5: of I would do anything for this person. This person's amazing.

444
00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:12,800
Speaker 5: And what we what a lot of people do is

445
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:17,560
Speaker 5: unconsciously they put each other on pedestals. And what happens

446
00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:22,919
Speaker 5: is once reels starts to happen, So once the honeymoon

447
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:26,080
Speaker 5: starts to once the novelty wears off.

448
00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:29,280
Speaker 1: When is this usually let's discuss that.

449
00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:32,840
Speaker 5: I think it's anywhere between three to six to three

450
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:34,879
Speaker 5: to six months to a year, but usually three to

451
00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:39,280
Speaker 5: six six months once the novelty wears off and there

452
00:20:39,359 --> 00:20:41,920
Speaker 5: might be like, you know, an argument.

453
00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:42,399
Speaker 4: That's it.

454
00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:44,960
Speaker 2: I just want everyone to put it on. Put it

455
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:46,760
Speaker 2: on the record that Doug just ran into the room

456
00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:48,960
Speaker 2: when you said three to six to nine months to

457
00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:50,560
Speaker 2: a year, because we are coming.

458
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:53,359
Speaker 4: Up on a year, and that it's going to be

459
00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:54,760
Speaker 4: of owning him having him.

460
00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:58,320
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, I don't consider him him. I don't consider

461
00:20:58,400 --> 00:20:59,600
Speaker 1: him to be owned by me.

462
00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:02,679
Speaker 2: I guess him to be my partner. I get it

463
00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:06,320
Speaker 2: on sexual and romantic. I get it on romantic, let's

464
00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:08,920
Speaker 2: not be sexual about it. But yeah, but yes, okay,

465
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:11,080
Speaker 2: because because I heard someone say something like two years,

466
00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:13,200
Speaker 2: I'm like, no one has to your honeymoon.

467
00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:15,800
Speaker 5: Like yeah, yeah, I can't think but a year but

468
00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:18,560
Speaker 5: a year maybe, but like but you know, changes, so

469
00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:22,879
Speaker 5: you know, that's when the masks come off and we

470
00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:27,520
Speaker 5: kind of get real. And what happens is so this

471
00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:31,480
Speaker 5: ties into the one we meet someone we think they're amazing,

472
00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:34,560
Speaker 5: and what we're doing on an unconscious level is that

473
00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:37,960
Speaker 5: we're projecting our ideal onto them. Oh, they they're perfect partner,

474
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:40,239
Speaker 5: they're perfect me, they're perfect for me, and then as

475
00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:42,360
Speaker 5: soon as reel comes up, you know, our flaws come up,

476
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:46,600
Speaker 5: conflict comes up, things that are not so comfortable. Then

477
00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:49,040
Speaker 5: what a lot of people do, and I've done this too,

478
00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:53,320
Speaker 5: is like, oh wait, you're not who I thought you were,

479
00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:57,240
Speaker 5: Like you're not perfect again. They would never admit to

480
00:21:57,280 --> 00:21:59,399
Speaker 5: this because it's not so much like conscious, but it's

481
00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:03,040
Speaker 5: like you're not perfec Anyone who's on the pedestal ultimately

482
00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:05,680
Speaker 5: becomes the fallen hero, right, It's like you're gonna come

483
00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:08,879
Speaker 5: off because the realness is gonna come So you know,

484
00:22:08,920 --> 00:22:11,240
Speaker 5: once the novelty wears off, that's when you know if

485
00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:13,120
Speaker 5: you really have what it takes to make it with something.

486
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:16,879
Speaker 5: Some people they are so addicted to that lusty high

487
00:22:17,119 --> 00:22:19,800
Speaker 5: because they don't understand the reality of what it is

488
00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:23,640
Speaker 5: to love someone. Yeah that really, it really is a choice,

489
00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:26,160
Speaker 5: and it's a verb, and it's a practice, and it's

490
00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:28,040
Speaker 5: an intentional practice, and it means you have to have

491
00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:30,560
Speaker 5: difficult conversations and it means you have to have a

492
00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:32,920
Speaker 5: lot of tolerance. I don't want you to tolerate bullshit,

493
00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:35,560
Speaker 5: but you have to know where your limits are. Because

494
00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:39,160
Speaker 5: no one is perfect. No one is perfect. We are

495
00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:43,480
Speaker 5: all very complicated, complex creatures with a lot of nuance.

496
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:48,280
Speaker 5: And I think a lot of people, myself included, walk

497
00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:52,119
Speaker 5: this earth not knowing where their limits are for what

498
00:22:52,280 --> 00:22:56,399
Speaker 5: is t They're either expecting perfection or they're tolerating a

499
00:22:56,400 --> 00:22:57,040
Speaker 5: little too much.

500
00:22:57,480 --> 00:22:57,680
Speaker 7: Sense.

501
00:22:58,440 --> 00:22:59,640
Speaker 2: Before we take a break, I just want to ask

502
00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:02,480
Speaker 2: you one life question back to sleep No More. Did

503
00:23:02,520 --> 00:23:04,560
Speaker 2: you ever finally bring that up to him at the

504
00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:06,800
Speaker 2: end of the relationship or is that something you discovered

505
00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:09,240
Speaker 2: through therapy to that night that was a red flag.

506
00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:10,840
Speaker 4: I didn't discover it through therapy.

507
00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:13,840
Speaker 5: I discovered on my own, in my own self reflection,

508
00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:15,760
Speaker 5: And no, I never brought it up to him, And

509
00:23:16,240 --> 00:23:18,760
Speaker 5: I think it was just the sort of cathartic writing about it.

510
00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:21,240
Speaker 2: Yeah, Okay, we're going to take a break and we'll

511
00:23:21,240 --> 00:23:22,800
Speaker 2: be right back with Gillian Tareki.

512
00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:31,040
Speaker 1: And we're back with Jillian. Okay, So we have some callers,

513
00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:32,840
Speaker 1: we have some letters. What do we have?

514
00:23:33,680 --> 00:23:35,320
Speaker 3: Well, we'll start with our callers today.

515
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:38,800
Speaker 1: It's always exciting. I love taking callers. Yeah, I love it.

516
00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:39,240
Speaker 8: So.

517
00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:42,359
Speaker 3: Dusty is an interesting situation because he had written in

518
00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:46,760
Speaker 3: about a recent X about a year ago and followed

519
00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:49,040
Speaker 3: up with him recently, and he has a question about

520
00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:51,960
Speaker 3: that X. But he's somebody who's really taking a responsibility

521
00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:54,640
Speaker 3: for himself and his actions. And you'll hear a little

522
00:23:54,640 --> 00:23:56,760
Speaker 3: bit about that in the email.

523
00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:59,680
Speaker 1: So did we already answer a question from him before?

524
00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:00,000
Speaker 7: No?

525
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:02,840
Speaker 3: Oh huh, I had just like seen his previous question. Okay,

526
00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:05,840
Speaker 3: So he says, Dear Chelsea, to begin, I want to

527
00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:08,080
Speaker 3: tell you how much fun I've had listening to your podcast.

528
00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:10,840
Speaker 3: I followed you Chelsea since I first tuned into Chelsea

529
00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:14,440
Speaker 3: Lately in junior high. I'm newly sober and just celebrated

530
00:24:14,480 --> 00:24:17,720
Speaker 3: six months of sobriety. I left my previous relationship just

531
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:20,119
Speaker 3: over a year ago. It was hot, heavy, fast, and

532
00:24:20,119 --> 00:24:22,720
Speaker 3: I was still an absolute mess for the entirety of it.

533
00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:26,159
Speaker 3: Things ended up going south for us. I've taken accountability

534
00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:27,919
Speaker 3: for the things I had done while with him, and

535
00:24:28,240 --> 00:24:30,199
Speaker 3: as he has done the same in return. He and

536
00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:33,040
Speaker 3: I have a great relationship now as friends. We've been

537
00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:35,399
Speaker 3: in communication daily and he's a major source of support

538
00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:37,840
Speaker 3: for me since moving halfway across the country and getting

539
00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:40,679
Speaker 3: sober and working the program, and now I find myself

540
00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:42,960
Speaker 3: leaps ahead of where I was in terms of confidence

541
00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:46,080
Speaker 3: self awareness, honesty with myself and others, and my ability

542
00:24:46,119 --> 00:24:49,200
Speaker 3: to put myself out there again. I've started dating again,

543
00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:51,200
Speaker 3: and this is where things seem to be a little

544
00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:55,159
Speaker 3: confusing for me. As friends do we chat about dating. However,

545
00:24:55,200 --> 00:24:57,960
Speaker 3: he started asking very intimate questions about my sex life

546
00:24:57,960 --> 00:24:59,879
Speaker 3: and wanting to know what was happening with my dates

547
00:25:00,119 --> 00:25:02,560
Speaker 3: when look as a friend, I know what it's like

548
00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:05,400
Speaker 3: to be curious, supportive, and excited for friends when they're

549
00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:08,119
Speaker 3: going out and having fun, hot, horny times after a

550
00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:11,200
Speaker 3: long hiatus, but it obviously feels different when it's coming

551
00:25:11,200 --> 00:25:13,760
Speaker 3: from someone used to wear a ring for So my

552
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:16,040
Speaker 3: question is how do I find balance and what to

553
00:25:16,119 --> 00:25:18,400
Speaker 3: share and what not to share. I feel turned off

554
00:25:18,400 --> 00:25:20,720
Speaker 3: by the level of curiosity he seems to be having,

555
00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:23,040
Speaker 3: and I can also tell when he's trying too hard

556
00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:24,280
Speaker 3: to appear unbothered.

557
00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:25,440
Speaker 1: Help Dusty.

558
00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:30,560
Speaker 2: Hi, Dusty, Hi, Dusty Bye. This is our special guest today,

559
00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:33,040
Speaker 2: Jilly and Tareki. She just wrote a book about love.

560
00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:34,040
Speaker 4: How are you.

561
00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:35,800
Speaker 7: Hi.

562
00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:37,600
Speaker 4: Nice to meet you, so nice to meet too.

563
00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:40,800
Speaker 1: Congratulations on your six months sobriety Mark. That's awesome.

564
00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:43,280
Speaker 4: Yeah, Dusty, Dusty, I.

565
00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:47,640
Speaker 1: Said, congratulations on your six months sobriety, Mark, I thought

566
00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:52,240
Speaker 1: you were saying, oh, call him okay, Mark, Dusty. Yeah,

567
00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:55,040
Speaker 1: well this has got that no, keep it in. I

568
00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:56,240
Speaker 1: think I think that's good.

569
00:25:56,840 --> 00:26:00,000
Speaker 6: How are you doing well? Thank you?

570
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:02,200
Speaker 1: Sounds like do you feel like he still has feelings

571
00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:02,520
Speaker 1: for you?

572
00:26:03,119 --> 00:26:08,960
Speaker 8: So that was kind of my thought initially. So I

573
00:26:09,280 --> 00:26:12,720
Speaker 8: this whole time, I just started dating again, probably I

574
00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:15,280
Speaker 8: don't know, a month and a half ago now, so,

575
00:26:15,880 --> 00:26:18,119
Speaker 8: and he and I broke up over a year ago now,

576
00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:21,159
Speaker 8: so I guess like we hadn't talked about that. Like

577
00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:23,600
Speaker 8: I said, we talk all the time. So whenever I

578
00:26:23,640 --> 00:26:27,160
Speaker 8: did start seeing someone or I was going on dates

579
00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:31,240
Speaker 8: and this and that, the way he responded it just

580
00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:34,800
Speaker 8: like his voice got really high pitched and like he

581
00:26:34,920 --> 00:26:37,439
Speaker 8: just seemed like overly excited, and I just felt like

582
00:26:37,480 --> 00:26:40,919
Speaker 8: it was disingenuine. So I was like, it made me

583
00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:43,800
Speaker 8: feel awkward because I felt like he felt awkward.

584
00:26:44,119 --> 00:26:46,560
Speaker 6: Yeah, and he was trying to be supportive.

585
00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:50,040
Speaker 8: And I just was like, oh, maybe this isn't actually

586
00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:50,800
Speaker 8: that great.

587
00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:53,359
Speaker 6: So does that make sense?

588
00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:56,200
Speaker 4: Yeah, I actually have a question for you. So, congratulations

589
00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:57,159
Speaker 4: on sobriety.

590
00:26:57,240 --> 00:26:58,280
Speaker 6: Thanks, thank you?

591
00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:01,840
Speaker 4: Are you are you your yes? Yeah, exactly. Are you

592
00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:06,280
Speaker 4: in a program. Are you in AA or anything like that? Yes, okay, Okay,

593
00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:06,639
Speaker 4: I have.

594
00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:08,480
Speaker 6: A sponsor and I'm working a program.

595
00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:12,000
Speaker 5: And what does your sponsors say about dating only five

596
00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:13,960
Speaker 5: to six months into sobriety.

597
00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:18,560
Speaker 8: So the group that I'm in is pretty lucy goosey

598
00:27:18,600 --> 00:27:21,520
Speaker 8: about it, Okay. I would say it's kind of just

599
00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:27,040
Speaker 8: based on I think, like situational individual, person by person.

600
00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:29,200
Speaker 6: Okay, there is kind of that blanket rule.

601
00:27:29,520 --> 00:27:32,200
Speaker 8: Yeah, you probably know this of like don't date within

602
00:27:32,240 --> 00:27:36,000
Speaker 8: your first year. Yeah, but with my with my group,

603
00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:36,440
Speaker 8: it's not.

604
00:27:36,840 --> 00:27:38,960
Speaker 4: It's not it's more individual, it's more individual.

605
00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:41,400
Speaker 6: Yeah.

606
00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:44,000
Speaker 5: And are you looking for what kind of partnership are

607
00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:47,199
Speaker 5: you looking for? Are you looking for long term partnership?

608
00:27:47,240 --> 00:27:49,440
Speaker 5: Are you looking like? What what do you want?

609
00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:53,560
Speaker 8: So, because I am six months sober, everything does feel

610
00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:56,639
Speaker 8: very new. So right now what I'm looking for is

611
00:27:56,800 --> 00:28:01,000
Speaker 8: just I think to find myself figure it out, like in dating,

612
00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:04,600
Speaker 8: like I'm wanting to fill I think more comfortable with it.

613
00:28:04,760 --> 00:28:07,800
Speaker 8: I obviously would like to find somebody that I could

614
00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:11,320
Speaker 8: develop a long term relationship with, but I want to

615
00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:13,040
Speaker 8: enjoy the process.

616
00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:15,000
Speaker 7: Of Yeah, So right now, that's.

617
00:28:14,640 --> 00:28:17,280
Speaker 8: That's like number one is just enjoying who I meet

618
00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:18,800
Speaker 8: and seeing what happens.

619
00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:21,160
Speaker 2: That's the attitude everyone should have when you day. That's

620
00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:23,560
Speaker 2: like perfect, it's like a renewal you get you know.

621
00:28:23,520 --> 00:28:26,959
Speaker 8: Absolutely yeah, and it feels so new, you know, like

622
00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:30,280
Speaker 8: doing everything sober, sober dates, you know, blah blah blah,

623
00:28:30,280 --> 00:28:33,520
Speaker 8: but very different. So it's just it's I'm figuring it out.

624
00:28:33,800 --> 00:28:36,800
Speaker 5: Yeah, So what's one thing. I'm sure there's a few things,

625
00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:38,840
Speaker 5: but if you were to like name one or two

626
00:28:38,840 --> 00:28:41,560
Speaker 5: things that you really want to do differently as a

627
00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:43,360
Speaker 5: sober person as it relates to.

628
00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:45,960
Speaker 6: Dating, I realized that my.

629
00:28:47,640 --> 00:28:50,600
Speaker 8: Like I used to fill up my cup kind of

630
00:28:50,640 --> 00:28:53,840
Speaker 8: with who I was with, yeah, solely, and kind of

631
00:28:53,880 --> 00:28:56,600
Speaker 8: lost my own kind of identity in the relationship. And

632
00:28:56,640 --> 00:29:00,160
Speaker 8: I had so many expectations I would attach myself well,

633
00:29:00,480 --> 00:29:02,520
Speaker 8: you know, I'd like cling on for dear life to

634
00:29:02,600 --> 00:29:06,440
Speaker 8: that person, and it was really unhealthy. And so now

635
00:29:07,160 --> 00:29:11,880
Speaker 8: I think, really it's just about finding myself.

636
00:29:13,280 --> 00:29:15,080
Speaker 6: Can you ask the question again? I'm so sorry.

637
00:29:15,160 --> 00:29:16,880
Speaker 4: Yeah, no, you're doing great, great question.

638
00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:18,200
Speaker 1: It's a very good question.

639
00:29:18,320 --> 00:29:20,959
Speaker 2: So it's worth taking the time to like answer it

640
00:29:21,040 --> 00:29:21,719
Speaker 2: and think about it.

641
00:29:21,800 --> 00:29:23,720
Speaker 5: Yeah, And I think you're I think you were really

642
00:29:23,920 --> 00:29:26,600
Speaker 5: you're onto something. I wanted to know what you wanted

643
00:29:26,640 --> 00:29:30,640
Speaker 5: to do. Differently as a sober person as it relates

644
00:29:30,640 --> 00:29:31,520
Speaker 5: to dating.

645
00:29:31,640 --> 00:29:33,480
Speaker 8: It's kind of like a slogan. But I want to

646
00:29:33,520 --> 00:29:36,520
Speaker 8: have a relationship and not take a hostage. I think

647
00:29:36,560 --> 00:29:39,720
Speaker 8: would be like primary, like I want to have my

648
00:29:39,800 --> 00:29:44,800
Speaker 8: own identity outside of the relationship, have healthy attachment style,

649
00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:49,640
Speaker 8: healthy habits, and just like it's just my goal to

650
00:29:49,640 --> 00:29:52,959
Speaker 8: to enjoy it for I think, like how.

651
00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:57,200
Speaker 6: How it is in like reality and in truth?

652
00:29:57,280 --> 00:30:02,600
Speaker 8: And instead of like creating a like how do I explain,

653
00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:07,000
Speaker 8: like I wasn't prepared for follow up questions? No, I

654
00:30:07,200 --> 00:30:09,719
Speaker 8: instead of kind of creating a narrative of what I

655
00:30:09,760 --> 00:30:11,480
Speaker 8: think it should be in my head, I want to

656
00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:13,640
Speaker 8: enjoy it for what it is and it kind of

657
00:30:13,680 --> 00:30:17,520
Speaker 8: release control of how I used to try to maintain control.

658
00:30:17,560 --> 00:30:20,160
Speaker 4: If that makes sense, It all makes sense. I think

659
00:30:20,160 --> 00:30:20,880
Speaker 4: that's beautiful.

660
00:30:20,920 --> 00:30:24,280
Speaker 5: What are you doing in your life currently to bolster

661
00:30:24,400 --> 00:30:26,880
Speaker 5: up your sense of self so that you're not looking

662
00:30:26,920 --> 00:30:31,400
Speaker 5: for your for yourself only in another person?

663
00:30:32,200 --> 00:30:36,360
Speaker 8: Well, I mean I think everything has changed in my life.

664
00:30:36,720 --> 00:30:40,040
Speaker 8: Number one would be, you know, I'm hitting meetings, I'm

665
00:30:40,080 --> 00:30:43,239
Speaker 8: working with my sponsor, and I'm working my program and

666
00:30:43,280 --> 00:30:46,760
Speaker 8: that is really the most important thing for me right now.

667
00:30:47,920 --> 00:30:48,760
Speaker 6: That's unique to me.

668
00:30:49,520 --> 00:30:51,440
Speaker 8: I've learned how to be a better friend to those

669
00:30:51,440 --> 00:30:53,960
Speaker 8: people I have in my life. So I feel like

670
00:30:54,040 --> 00:30:58,040
Speaker 8: really nice, like re getting to know like a couple

671
00:30:58,040 --> 00:30:59,760
Speaker 8: of these people who have been so close to me

672
00:30:59,800 --> 00:31:02,280
Speaker 8: for so long, and like I realized that there were

673
00:31:02,360 --> 00:31:04,960
Speaker 8: like some blocks between us that are kind of going

674
00:31:05,000 --> 00:31:08,120
Speaker 8: away or like we're kind of redefining our friendship now.

675
00:31:08,800 --> 00:31:11,360
Speaker 8: So I have other things, you know, Yoga is huge

676
00:31:11,400 --> 00:31:14,040
Speaker 8: for me. I started doing yoga every single day. I

677
00:31:14,080 --> 00:31:15,040
Speaker 8: fell in love with it.

678
00:31:15,080 --> 00:31:16,640
Speaker 4: Good for ye too. Yeah.

679
00:31:16,680 --> 00:31:19,640
Speaker 8: So just stuff like that is kind of I think

680
00:31:19,680 --> 00:31:21,200
Speaker 8: what I'm doing for myself.

681
00:31:21,720 --> 00:31:23,960
Speaker 2: But as it relates to the AX, which is the

682
00:31:24,000 --> 00:31:26,360
Speaker 2: original question, right, like what are you supposed to.

683
00:31:26,320 --> 00:31:29,000
Speaker 4: Do about his ex? It's the X, right, It's not

684
00:31:29,040 --> 00:31:30,800
Speaker 4: a new guy, right.

685
00:31:30,640 --> 00:31:31,719
Speaker 6: It's the X. Yeah.

686
00:31:31,760 --> 00:31:35,280
Speaker 8: So he was very supportive of me this whole past

687
00:31:35,560 --> 00:31:39,440
Speaker 8: what thirteen fourteen months since we broke up, he's been

688
00:31:39,680 --> 00:31:42,320
Speaker 8: He was really supportive for me in the beginning right

689
00:31:42,360 --> 00:31:45,080
Speaker 8: after the breakup, because I was so attached to him

690
00:31:45,360 --> 00:31:47,560
Speaker 8: that it was like, I don't even think I would

691
00:31:47,560 --> 00:31:49,680
Speaker 8: have been able to go a day without talking to him.

692
00:31:49,880 --> 00:31:52,760
Speaker 8: It was intense and I was having panic attacks all

693
00:31:52,800 --> 00:31:57,520
Speaker 8: the time. Wasn't sober yet. And with that, I do

694
00:31:57,560 --> 00:32:00,560
Speaker 8: feel like this sense of anytime I kind of want

695
00:32:00,600 --> 00:32:02,800
Speaker 8: to create a boundary or anything, or like have like

696
00:32:02,840 --> 00:32:05,880
Speaker 8: a conversation where it's just really honest, because we had

697
00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:08,520
Speaker 8: issues with honesty when we were together. It's part of

698
00:32:08,520 --> 00:32:10,880
Speaker 8: the reason why we're not together. But as a friend,

699
00:32:10,960 --> 00:32:13,480
Speaker 8: I think he's amazing. But I think whenever I try

700
00:32:13,520 --> 00:32:16,560
Speaker 8: to have like a boundary set in place, I struggle

701
00:32:16,600 --> 00:32:19,320
Speaker 8: with that, and I struggle.

702
00:32:18,960 --> 00:32:20,200
Speaker 6: With in my head.

703
00:32:20,200 --> 00:32:23,320
Speaker 8: It's like I want my friendships to be limitless and

704
00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:25,600
Speaker 8: like us not have like blocks with each other, like

705
00:32:25,680 --> 00:32:27,160
Speaker 8: have things we can't say to each other.

706
00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:28,280
Speaker 6: I want it to be very open.

707
00:32:28,960 --> 00:32:31,440
Speaker 8: But like with him in this situation, it does feel

708
00:32:31,480 --> 00:32:34,920
Speaker 8: like maybe a temporary boundary or something. But it's like

709
00:32:35,000 --> 00:32:37,440
Speaker 8: I have guilt whenever I do that. I'm kind of

710
00:32:37,520 --> 00:32:38,360
Speaker 8: rambling a lot here.

711
00:32:38,440 --> 00:32:40,160
Speaker 2: Yeah, I know we're asking you a lot of questions,

712
00:32:40,200 --> 00:32:42,080
Speaker 2: asking you a lot of questions like an actual it's

713
00:32:42,080 --> 00:32:44,880
Speaker 2: like almost like we have like one therapy session. Yeah,

714
00:32:44,560 --> 00:32:47,600
Speaker 2: and I'm into it, So don't worry about it because

715
00:32:47,640 --> 00:32:50,160
Speaker 2: you have some like you've done so much for yourself

716
00:32:50,160 --> 00:32:53,600
Speaker 2: and you're so honest and so forthcoming. Very I mean,

717
00:32:53,720 --> 00:32:56,920
Speaker 2: I'm sitting watching an admiration of you, how much you've

718
00:32:56,960 --> 00:32:59,120
Speaker 2: done with your life and how self aware you've become.

719
00:32:59,200 --> 00:33:03,520
Speaker 2: That's really awesome. And I think everyone has trouble. I'm

720
00:33:03,520 --> 00:33:05,800
Speaker 2: just going to jump in here. Obviously Julianne interrupted me

721
00:33:06,280 --> 00:33:08,760
Speaker 2: when you see fit, but everyone has a hard time

722
00:33:08,760 --> 00:33:11,440
Speaker 2: creating boundaries. I totally have a hard time creating boundaries.

723
00:33:11,480 --> 00:33:13,520
Speaker 2: It's like I never even thought of it. It's like

724
00:33:13,760 --> 00:33:16,120
Speaker 2: a boundary, Oh I have to create Oh I forgot,

725
00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:18,000
Speaker 2: Like I never even knew I had to do that.

726
00:33:18,280 --> 00:33:22,080
Speaker 2: But when the opportunity arises to create one, that's your

727
00:33:22,080 --> 00:33:26,640
Speaker 2: opportunity to do it gently and with love and actually

728
00:33:27,040 --> 00:33:30,040
Speaker 2: attribute it to your own self work. All this work

729
00:33:30,040 --> 00:33:32,440
Speaker 2: I'm doing on myself, I'm learning that we actually don't

730
00:33:32,440 --> 00:33:35,440
Speaker 2: have a healthy boundary around this. So while this is

731
00:33:35,520 --> 00:33:37,680
Speaker 2: kind of strange to have to say to you, I

732
00:33:37,680 --> 00:33:40,160
Speaker 2: think for the betterment and the strength of our friendship,

733
00:33:40,280 --> 00:33:42,440
Speaker 2: like we're just not going to talk about dating for

734
00:33:42,520 --> 00:33:45,160
Speaker 2: a while, or you know, whatever you want to you know,

735
00:33:45,320 --> 00:33:47,080
Speaker 2: whatever time frame you want to build it around. But

736
00:33:47,520 --> 00:33:50,680
Speaker 2: I think if you guys have remained friends for this

737
00:33:50,760 --> 00:33:54,320
Speaker 2: period of time after that relationship and went through all

738
00:33:54,360 --> 00:33:59,240
Speaker 2: that stuff together, he's only going to respect you from

739
00:33:59,280 --> 00:34:02,400
Speaker 2: creating a bounce. Maybe not right in that moment, but

740
00:34:02,720 --> 00:34:03,640
Speaker 2: over time.

741
00:34:03,440 --> 00:34:04,360
Speaker 1: He will respect that.

742
00:34:04,720 --> 00:34:06,000
Speaker 4: Yeah, I would agree with that.

743
00:34:07,160 --> 00:34:09,319
Speaker 2: And I think it's an opportunity for you to create

744
00:34:09,400 --> 00:34:12,239
Speaker 2: a new pattern, like with with not just him. You know,

745
00:34:12,280 --> 00:34:13,879
Speaker 2: you may have to create a boundary with the next

746
00:34:13,920 --> 00:34:16,520
Speaker 2: person you date or another person in your life. But

747
00:34:16,560 --> 00:34:18,920
Speaker 2: it's very good to understand how that's done and to

748
00:34:19,000 --> 00:34:22,640
Speaker 2: do it effectively, sober and with grace.

749
00:34:22,960 --> 00:34:26,239
Speaker 5: Yeah, And it's okay that this is very uncomfortable, Like

750
00:34:26,360 --> 00:34:30,080
Speaker 5: you're learning something new, you're creating new patterns, and it

751
00:34:30,160 --> 00:34:32,919
Speaker 5: is going to be uncomfortable and it's going to feel

752
00:34:32,960 --> 00:34:35,320
Speaker 5: awkward and you're going to have a lot of resistance

753
00:34:35,360 --> 00:34:39,080
Speaker 5: to it, and that's part of the process. But it's also,

754
00:34:39,280 --> 00:34:43,279
Speaker 5: as you know, is so important, right, So, and you

755
00:34:43,320 --> 00:34:45,359
Speaker 5: can be really forthcoming about it and be like this

756
00:34:45,400 --> 00:34:48,040
Speaker 5: is really hard for me, but you know this, I

757
00:34:48,239 --> 00:34:50,640
Speaker 5: just is this is part of what I'm working on,

758
00:34:50,760 --> 00:34:52,480
Speaker 5: and this is what feels right for me.

759
00:34:52,880 --> 00:34:55,480
Speaker 3: Yeah, and as you said, you know, the pitch of

760
00:34:55,520 --> 00:34:57,640
Speaker 3: his voice went up, and he felt a little awkward,

761
00:34:57,719 --> 00:34:59,320
Speaker 3: like it might be a little bit of a relief

762
00:34:59,320 --> 00:35:01,160
Speaker 3: for him to not have have to go there with

763
00:35:01,200 --> 00:35:03,120
Speaker 3: you and like talk about those things specifically.

764
00:35:03,680 --> 00:35:06,200
Speaker 6: So, oh my god, the questions he asked. I was like,

765
00:35:06,360 --> 00:35:08,799
Speaker 6: why would you ask me that?

766
00:35:08,960 --> 00:35:13,000
Speaker 8: Like I was like, that's a lot, you know, yeah,

767
00:35:13,120 --> 00:35:14,640
Speaker 8: to be curious about anyway.

768
00:35:15,080 --> 00:35:18,560
Speaker 1: Okay, well I think you got the message right I did.

769
00:35:18,840 --> 00:35:20,319
Speaker 6: I appreciate you guys so much.

770
00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:21,640
Speaker 7: I appreciate you too.

771
00:35:22,280 --> 00:35:26,000
Speaker 1: Thank you. Does this room look cozy? I still have

772
00:35:26,080 --> 00:35:27,959
Speaker 1: to figure very cold good.

773
00:35:28,000 --> 00:35:29,600
Speaker 2: I have to figure out we need a different plant.

774
00:35:29,600 --> 00:35:33,240
Speaker 2: This plant blocks the bookcase. So anyway, send us a plant. Okay,

775
00:35:33,600 --> 00:35:33,960
Speaker 2: thank you?

776
00:35:35,400 --> 00:35:38,799
Speaker 6: Yeah, medium at work. That's about it.

777
00:35:38,880 --> 00:35:40,880
Speaker 1: So we'll ask the next caller.

778
00:35:40,920 --> 00:35:48,520
Speaker 2: All right, well thanks, thanks, otherwise known as Mark. So

779
00:35:48,560 --> 00:35:50,480
Speaker 2: didn't he seem like he was in great shape?

780
00:35:50,840 --> 00:35:51,279
Speaker 1: He did.

781
00:35:51,680 --> 00:35:55,560
Speaker 5: Yeah, but you sound you mean a great shape emotionally, yeah,

782
00:35:55,640 --> 00:35:59,080
Speaker 5: like very self aware, very like he's doing the work.

783
00:35:59,200 --> 00:36:02,960
Speaker 1: He is really I respect that one hundred percent.

784
00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:05,120
Speaker 5: And he was very honest and he had a lot

785
00:36:05,120 --> 00:36:08,600
Speaker 5: of again awareness about what his pattern was. So yeah,

786
00:36:08,880 --> 00:36:10,839
Speaker 5: I'm and he's doing it. He's got the sponsor, he's

787
00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:13,960
Speaker 5: in the program, so that's great and I'm rooting for him.

788
00:36:14,040 --> 00:36:16,560
Speaker 3: It really seemed like he's somebody who's taking a responsibility

789
00:36:16,600 --> 00:36:19,000
Speaker 3: for himself. Even looking at the email he sent a

790
00:36:19,040 --> 00:36:22,120
Speaker 3: year ago, was you know, which admittedly he wrote drunk

791
00:36:22,400 --> 00:36:24,359
Speaker 3: and he was like it was much more like sort

792
00:36:24,360 --> 00:36:26,799
Speaker 3: of finger point, whereas the eemail is all like I've

793
00:36:26,800 --> 00:36:29,319
Speaker 3: re taken I've taken responsibility for my stuff. And I

794
00:36:29,360 --> 00:36:30,799
Speaker 3: just thought he was such a cutie.

795
00:36:30,640 --> 00:36:34,080
Speaker 4: Yeah, such a cuty Yeah. Well, our next caller is Carly.

796
00:36:34,719 --> 00:36:36,879
Speaker 3: She is thirty two, and this one sort of coincidentally

797
00:36:36,880 --> 00:36:40,040
Speaker 3: also has a sobriety theme, but really just a coincidence there.

798
00:36:40,080 --> 00:36:41,920
Speaker 3: I'd love to talk to her about some of her

799
00:36:41,920 --> 00:36:45,320
Speaker 3: online dating stuff as well. So she says, Dear Chelsea,

800
00:36:45,560 --> 00:36:49,239
Speaker 3: I'm thirty two, female and on the apps. Unfortunately I

801
00:36:49,280 --> 00:36:51,840
Speaker 3: can't drink for some low key medical reasons, but I

802
00:36:51,880 --> 00:36:54,880
Speaker 3: truly still enjoy going out to bars, parties, wineries, et cetera.

803
00:36:55,560 --> 00:36:57,759
Speaker 3: When a guy on the dating apps asks me out,

804
00:36:58,040 --> 00:37:00,880
Speaker 3: I always disclose that I can't drink. Something like that

805
00:37:00,960 --> 00:37:03,000
Speaker 3: sounds great, just so you know, I don't really drink,

806
00:37:03,040 --> 00:37:04,480
Speaker 3: but I still like to do drinks and go out

807
00:37:04,560 --> 00:37:07,279
Speaker 3: and I'm totally cool if you drink three times in

808
00:37:07,280 --> 00:37:10,040
Speaker 3: the last month. I've said this and the guy says, oh, yeah,

809
00:37:10,040 --> 00:37:12,480
Speaker 3: that's totally cool. Let's go on out on XT day.

810
00:37:12,840 --> 00:37:15,840
Speaker 3: Then XT day comes no confirmation of the date, and

811
00:37:15,880 --> 00:37:18,080
Speaker 3: they are radio silent when I reach out, and they

812
00:37:18,160 --> 00:37:21,680
Speaker 3: usually unmatch me the next day. I prefer to disclose this,

813
00:37:21,840 --> 00:37:23,799
Speaker 3: but many of my friends keep telling me not to.

814
00:37:24,360 --> 00:37:25,040
Speaker 1: What do you think?

815
00:37:25,200 --> 00:37:27,120
Speaker 3: How should I handle this? I feel like it's a

816
00:37:27,160 --> 00:37:29,320
Speaker 3: lie biomission to just show up on a date without

817
00:37:29,360 --> 00:37:31,680
Speaker 3: disclosing I can't drink, but these stupid men out here

818
00:37:31,800 --> 00:37:34,880
Speaker 3: seem incapable of understanding that I truly don't care if

819
00:37:34,880 --> 00:37:37,160
Speaker 3: they're drinking. Obviously, I'm not going to be hooking up

820
00:37:37,200 --> 00:37:39,360
Speaker 3: with a drunk man while sober. But can we not

821
00:37:39,440 --> 00:37:41,239
Speaker 3: even get out on the first date to see if

822
00:37:41,239 --> 00:37:42,239
Speaker 3: we're compatible at all?

823
00:37:42,520 --> 00:37:42,880
Speaker 1: Carly?

824
00:37:43,239 --> 00:37:46,600
Speaker 4: You know what I think? I think? Remove? I think, Hi, Carly, hy, how.

825
00:37:46,560 --> 00:37:49,120
Speaker 7: Are you Carly great? Thanks for having me?

826
00:37:49,760 --> 00:37:53,200
Speaker 5: Yeah, I think you should just remove drinking altogether from

827
00:37:53,239 --> 00:37:55,239
Speaker 5: the date. I think you should say, look, I don't

828
00:37:55,239 --> 00:37:57,279
Speaker 5: really drink and we do something else. I would love to,

829
00:37:57,360 --> 00:37:59,839
Speaker 5: like maybe go bowling or do this, or maybe meet

830
00:37:59,880 --> 00:38:03,600
Speaker 5: for coffee. I actually think that it's a problem that

831
00:38:03,680 --> 00:38:05,680
Speaker 5: so many people go on dates and drink. Is you

832
00:38:05,680 --> 00:38:08,319
Speaker 5: know what happens when people drink, They look at someone

833
00:38:08,400 --> 00:38:10,560
Speaker 5: they think, yeah, I'm attracted to them because it's the

834
00:38:10,600 --> 00:38:11,600
Speaker 5: alcohol talking.

835
00:38:12,200 --> 00:38:15,399
Speaker 4: So I think I don't.

836
00:38:15,480 --> 00:38:17,919
Speaker 5: I think you absolutely should say, you know, I don't drink,

837
00:38:17,920 --> 00:38:19,959
Speaker 5: and I kind of prefer to do something else.

838
00:38:20,120 --> 00:38:22,560
Speaker 4: What do you think? Because that's actually going to.

839
00:38:24,239 --> 00:38:28,840
Speaker 5: Any guy who's like not into that or disappears great,

840
00:38:29,480 --> 00:38:33,359
Speaker 5: let him because that is exactly not your guy.

841
00:38:33,480 --> 00:38:35,480
Speaker 4: It's the one who's gonna be like cool.

842
00:38:35,600 --> 00:38:37,440
Speaker 5: You know, I'm not really a big drinker either, and

843
00:38:37,480 --> 00:38:44,480
Speaker 5: I you know, would love to take you whatever, hiking, walking, coffee, breakfast, bowling,

844
00:38:44,520 --> 00:38:46,799
Speaker 5: whatever the hell it is, dancing, whatever it is.

845
00:38:47,600 --> 00:38:49,840
Speaker 4: And so, yeah, what are your two cents?

846
00:38:50,000 --> 00:38:52,759
Speaker 1: I don't know. I kind of disagree. Okay, I feel like.

847
00:38:52,719 --> 00:38:55,719
Speaker 2: You're making it like that you're only available, Like it

848
00:38:55,760 --> 00:38:57,919
Speaker 2: almost sounds like you'll you'll never be open to going

849
00:38:57,960 --> 00:39:00,440
Speaker 2: out for drinks. And she just said she's totally happy

850
00:39:00,480 --> 00:39:02,719
Speaker 2: going out for drinks because if someone says, I don't drink,

851
00:39:02,719 --> 00:39:05,520
Speaker 2: Can we do something else? I would take that to mean, oh,

852
00:39:05,520 --> 00:39:07,040
Speaker 2: that's what our whole thing is going to be. Like,

853
00:39:07,080 --> 00:39:08,560
Speaker 2: what if I want to go have a couple drinks

854
00:39:08,600 --> 00:39:10,640
Speaker 2: one night, You're not gonna sit with me. I understand

855
00:39:10,680 --> 00:39:13,960
Speaker 2: what you're saying, but I think for the purposes of

856
00:39:14,080 --> 00:39:16,520
Speaker 2: meeting people, I'm not saying you should lie and say

857
00:39:16,600 --> 00:39:18,560
Speaker 2: take out the drinking. But I don't think it's a

858
00:39:18,600 --> 00:39:20,480
Speaker 2: problem for you to go at like it's nice to

859
00:39:20,520 --> 00:39:23,280
Speaker 2: demonstrate that you can go somewhere, go out for drinks

860
00:39:23,320 --> 00:39:25,160
Speaker 2: with somebody and it's not an issue, you know what

861
00:39:25,200 --> 00:39:27,520
Speaker 2: I mean, Because then they know that, oh, she does

862
00:39:27,600 --> 00:39:29,400
Speaker 2: a drink, but that's fine, she's cool, she's fun. We

863
00:39:29,440 --> 00:39:30,759
Speaker 2: can go to a bar, we can hang out, we

864
00:39:30,760 --> 00:39:33,000
Speaker 2: can play pool, we can play darts. There's other things

865
00:39:33,000 --> 00:39:36,000
Speaker 2: that can happen there besides just sitting and drinking, you know. So,

866
00:39:36,280 --> 00:39:39,040
Speaker 2: I mean, I'm the guy that is breaking up with

867
00:39:39,120 --> 00:39:42,920
Speaker 2: you because you're sober, Like I'm if I went out

868
00:39:42,960 --> 00:39:45,040
Speaker 2: with a guy who didn't tell me they didn't drink,

869
00:39:45,120 --> 00:39:47,680
Speaker 2: I would be annoyed, Yeah, because I want to know that. Yeah,

870
00:39:47,719 --> 00:39:49,960
Speaker 2: of course you already know that, and it doesn't mean

871
00:39:50,000 --> 00:39:51,800
Speaker 2: that I wouldn't date somebody who didn't drink.

872
00:39:51,880 --> 00:39:53,919
Speaker 1: I mean I don't. I don't think i've Yeah, I.

873
00:39:53,840 --> 00:39:57,440
Speaker 4: Have that if they're leading with it, yeah, but with

874
00:39:57,480 --> 00:39:59,360
Speaker 4: a drinker. You don't want to be with a big drinker.

875
00:39:59,680 --> 00:40:00,920
Speaker 1: Yeah, but I don't know.

876
00:40:01,080 --> 00:40:03,160
Speaker 2: I think you are reading a lot of people out

877
00:40:03,560 --> 00:40:06,160
Speaker 2: because they might be like, oh, she's gonna be judgy,

878
00:40:06,400 --> 00:40:08,239
Speaker 2: or she's gonna be you know what I mean, Like

879
00:40:08,440 --> 00:40:11,560
Speaker 2: she might be sober. I mean maybe if you want

880
00:40:11,600 --> 00:40:14,000
Speaker 2: to write, even in adendum, like I'm not in AA,

881
00:40:14,200 --> 00:40:16,120
Speaker 2: I just don't really drink a lot or not a

882
00:40:16,120 --> 00:40:18,680
Speaker 2: big drink, not a big drinker. And that's it, like,

883
00:40:18,719 --> 00:40:20,719
Speaker 2: you know, make it look less in the blow just

884
00:40:20,760 --> 00:40:23,239
Speaker 2: because some people are fine as long as they know

885
00:40:23,280 --> 00:40:25,239
Speaker 2: you're cool, and some people are just don't want to

886
00:40:25,280 --> 00:40:25,719
Speaker 2: be like you.

887
00:40:26,000 --> 00:40:27,880
Speaker 5: She was telling them, she was saying I'm cool, she

888
00:40:27,960 --> 00:40:30,160
Speaker 5: was saying, I don't drink, but I'm totally fine. But

889
00:40:30,200 --> 00:40:32,120
Speaker 5: then what they do is that they then they don't

890
00:40:32,120 --> 00:40:32,600
Speaker 5: show up.

891
00:40:33,600 --> 00:40:35,399
Speaker 7: Yeah, and that's what they've been doing recently. And I'm

892
00:40:35,440 --> 00:40:37,879
Speaker 7: just like, tell me that it's not okay and I'm

893
00:40:37,880 --> 00:40:41,399
Speaker 7: cool or expect it unmatch me great, but don't plan

894
00:40:41,480 --> 00:40:42,560
Speaker 7: a date and then.

895
00:40:42,800 --> 00:40:44,239
Speaker 1: Ghostw What city are you in?

896
00:40:45,000 --> 00:40:47,360
Speaker 7: I'm right outside Philadelphia in South Jersey.

897
00:40:47,640 --> 00:40:49,239
Speaker 1: Oh okay, I thought you were going to say.

898
00:40:49,280 --> 00:40:51,080
Speaker 2: I was like, if you're in LA, it shouldn't be

899
00:40:51,080 --> 00:40:53,280
Speaker 2: an issue because everyone's fucking sober here anyway.

900
00:40:53,360 --> 00:40:54,040
Speaker 4: Yeah, exactly.

901
00:40:54,800 --> 00:40:55,360
Speaker 1: I mean, I don't know.

902
00:40:55,400 --> 00:40:57,920
Speaker 5: Maybe they're not. Maybe they're not falling through because it's

903
00:40:57,960 --> 00:41:00,640
Speaker 5: not that I don't know. Maybe it's because they just

904
00:41:00,800 --> 00:41:02,440
Speaker 5: they want to get hammered with you and have a

905
00:41:02,480 --> 00:41:05,720
Speaker 5: good time. Either way, they're not your guy. What's important

906
00:41:05,719 --> 00:41:09,000
Speaker 5: to you in terms of a partner and his relationship

907
00:41:09,040 --> 00:41:09,680
Speaker 5: with alcohol.

908
00:41:10,280 --> 00:41:12,440
Speaker 7: For me personally, I just have like some you know,

909
00:41:12,520 --> 00:41:15,799
Speaker 7: low key medical issues where I tend to like pass

910
00:41:15,840 --> 00:41:18,200
Speaker 7: out and have a seizure if I have certain medications

911
00:41:18,280 --> 00:41:20,960
Speaker 7: or alcohol. Yes, so I've just you know, I'm thirty

912
00:41:20,960 --> 00:41:24,920
Speaker 7: two now, I've lived my whole life, college, scrap parties,

913
00:41:24,960 --> 00:41:28,640
Speaker 7: law school, everything, not drinking, being around people who drink.

914
00:41:28,719 --> 00:41:31,680
Speaker 7: All of my friends drink. It's never really been an

915
00:41:31,760 --> 00:41:34,719
Speaker 7: issue for me except in this like one sphere of data.

916
00:41:34,800 --> 00:41:38,080
Speaker 2: Right, I'm gonna say, I think you're labeling yourself, even

917
00:41:38,120 --> 00:41:40,160
Speaker 2: though she's saying I'm okay with drinking.

918
00:41:40,480 --> 00:41:41,799
Speaker 1: I think it's so.

919
00:41:41,760 --> 00:41:43,200
Speaker 4: Do you think she should not say anything? I just

920
00:41:43,200 --> 00:41:44,160
Speaker 4: don't think you should do it.

921
00:41:44,239 --> 00:41:45,240
Speaker 1: I don't think you should put.

922
00:41:45,080 --> 00:41:47,839
Speaker 2: Such an emphasis on drinking, just like you shouldn't put

923
00:41:47,840 --> 00:41:50,239
Speaker 2: such an emphasis on most things, like when you're not

924
00:41:50,360 --> 00:41:53,360
Speaker 2: before you meet someone, like have them, have the experience

925
00:41:53,360 --> 00:41:55,640
Speaker 2: of meeting them. Take out the drinking thing, I think,

926
00:41:56,080 --> 00:41:58,880
Speaker 2: and just and then see if that changes the amount

927
00:41:58,880 --> 00:42:01,520
Speaker 2: of men that you actually match with, and then see

928
00:42:01,520 --> 00:42:03,799
Speaker 2: if that changes the quality of men that you match with,

929
00:42:03,880 --> 00:42:07,160
Speaker 2: because maybe it will have the effect that Jillian is saying,

930
00:42:07,239 --> 00:42:10,000
Speaker 2: which is you, thank God you're rid of all those people.

931
00:42:10,040 --> 00:42:11,080
Speaker 1: Anyway. I don't know.

932
00:42:11,080 --> 00:42:13,319
Speaker 2: Maybe there's a couple of people in there that aren't

933
00:42:13,360 --> 00:42:16,120
Speaker 2: big drinkers, that just are like, oh, I'm on a

934
00:42:16,239 --> 00:42:18,960
Speaker 2: first date. I want to have a cocktail like that.

935
00:42:18,960 --> 00:42:22,240
Speaker 2: That's kind of like a very regular thing for people

936
00:42:22,280 --> 00:42:23,279
Speaker 2: to do, you know what I mean.

937
00:42:23,880 --> 00:42:26,279
Speaker 3: And Carly, would you tell us a little bit about

938
00:42:26,560 --> 00:42:29,000
Speaker 3: You mentioned some really interesting things to me about your

939
00:42:29,040 --> 00:42:31,480
Speaker 3: experience on the apps, like kind of guys you're getting

940
00:42:31,480 --> 00:42:32,040
Speaker 3: hooked up with.

941
00:42:32,120 --> 00:42:33,759
Speaker 1: Can you tell us a little bit about that?

942
00:42:34,800 --> 00:42:38,080
Speaker 7: Yeah, on the apps recently, I've been having this issue

943
00:42:38,080 --> 00:42:40,200
Speaker 7: where like, even when I do go on a few

944
00:42:40,280 --> 00:42:42,759
Speaker 7: dates with people, I get a lot of feedback about

945
00:42:42,800 --> 00:42:45,440
Speaker 7: that I have my shit together too much and that

946
00:42:45,480 --> 00:42:46,880
Speaker 7: makes them insecure.

947
00:42:48,080 --> 00:42:49,719
Speaker 1: After the date or before the date.

948
00:42:50,280 --> 00:42:52,359
Speaker 7: After when I do go out and date, it's like,

949
00:42:52,480 --> 00:42:55,360
Speaker 7: you know, two or three dates with someone and they're like, oh,

950
00:42:55,880 --> 00:42:57,719
Speaker 7: you know, I'm not in a place in my life

951
00:42:57,800 --> 00:42:59,640
Speaker 7: right now, and they use it as an excuse and

952
00:42:59,680 --> 00:43:03,000
Speaker 7: they even I'm like, oh, you own a house, you like,

953
00:43:03,080 --> 00:43:04,759
Speaker 7: know what you're doing with your life. And I'm still

954
00:43:04,760 --> 00:43:06,839
Speaker 7: trying to figure my life out at like thirty nine

955
00:43:06,920 --> 00:43:11,360
Speaker 7: years old, which is fine, everyone's in different areas. But

956
00:43:11,400 --> 00:43:13,239
Speaker 7: that's just kind of like something I've been getting a

957
00:43:13,239 --> 00:43:14,360
Speaker 7: lot recently.

958
00:43:14,400 --> 00:43:18,120
Speaker 2: That you definitely don't want to diminish the fact that you.

959
00:43:18,080 --> 00:43:18,880
Speaker 1: Have your shit together.

960
00:43:19,120 --> 00:43:19,880
Speaker 4: Absolutely not.

961
00:43:20,880 --> 00:43:22,640
Speaker 7: There's a little shit I could still figure out.

962
00:43:22,800 --> 00:43:25,160
Speaker 2: So that's something that you don't want to start hiding

963
00:43:25,200 --> 00:43:28,719
Speaker 2: from men because you know, absolutely not exactly. I think

964
00:43:28,719 --> 00:43:30,560
Speaker 2: it's great that you have your shit together at thirty two,

965
00:43:30,680 --> 00:43:33,719
Speaker 2: and you know, it's amazing people until like thirty five ish,

966
00:43:33,800 --> 00:43:36,000
Speaker 2: I think to get their shit together. Yeah, thirty five

967
00:43:36,040 --> 00:43:37,960
Speaker 2: to forty anyway, Yeah, and beyond.

968
00:43:38,400 --> 00:43:39,880
Speaker 4: But yeah, I mean.

969
00:43:39,840 --> 00:43:42,040
Speaker 2: That would be my advice just to remove that. Don't

970
00:43:42,040 --> 00:43:44,040
Speaker 2: put such an emphasis on it. Just you know, you're

971
00:43:44,040 --> 00:43:46,800
Speaker 2: open to whatever you can suggest. Always going to coffee. Also,

972
00:43:46,920 --> 00:43:49,480
Speaker 2: we're going for a walk. In your book, you talk

973
00:43:49,520 --> 00:43:53,319
Speaker 2: about what a co regulating experience walking is. Yeah, that's

974
00:43:53,360 --> 00:43:55,360
Speaker 2: the first time I've read that. I mean, I know

975
00:43:55,440 --> 00:43:57,439
Speaker 2: it to be true, coregulated, but.

976
00:43:57,440 --> 00:43:58,439
Speaker 1: Yeah, is it right?

977
00:43:58,719 --> 00:44:00,720
Speaker 2: That's actually an It sounds kind of like a corny

978
00:44:00,760 --> 00:44:03,960
Speaker 2: thing to do on a date. I mean, I wouldn't

979
00:44:04,000 --> 00:44:05,600
Speaker 2: go for a walk with someone on a date. I

980
00:44:05,600 --> 00:44:07,560
Speaker 2: did it once and that's why I'll never do it again.

981
00:44:08,040 --> 00:44:12,680
Speaker 2: But it is actually a really good activity for two

982
00:44:12,719 --> 00:44:13,640
Speaker 2: people to do together.

983
00:44:13,760 --> 00:44:14,600
Speaker 4: Yeah.

984
00:44:14,640 --> 00:44:16,319
Speaker 5: And you know what's something that I'll leave you with

985
00:44:16,440 --> 00:44:20,080
Speaker 5: is this. Sometimes the people who do have their quote

986
00:44:20,120 --> 00:44:25,440
Speaker 5: unquote shit together and are not You're they're not hookup material,

987
00:44:25,480 --> 00:44:28,440
Speaker 5: their wife material like, and I say that meaning like

988
00:44:28,760 --> 00:44:31,879
Speaker 5: they're not the person who you're just You're not they're

989
00:44:31,920 --> 00:44:34,040
Speaker 5: not just gonna like have a good time with you

990
00:44:34,080 --> 00:44:36,919
Speaker 5: and get wasted and go to bed together like you're

991
00:44:36,960 --> 00:44:41,040
Speaker 5: someone actually to be taken seriously. For many different reasons.

992
00:44:41,040 --> 00:44:43,640
Speaker 5: Sometimes those women they do have to wait a little

993
00:44:43,640 --> 00:44:46,239
Speaker 5: bit longer for the right per especially around your age group.

994
00:44:46,239 --> 00:44:49,560
Speaker 5: But don't let that discourage you. Never, as Chelsea said,

995
00:44:49,880 --> 00:44:53,239
Speaker 5: never diminish all that you've accomplished and that you have

996
00:44:53,320 --> 00:44:55,560
Speaker 5: your shit together, like you have to that you have

997
00:44:55,600 --> 00:44:57,080
Speaker 5: to be loud and proud about that.

998
00:44:57,960 --> 00:44:59,200
Speaker 7: Okay, I'll try.

999
00:44:59,400 --> 00:44:59,800
Speaker 4: Okay.

1000
00:45:00,120 --> 00:45:03,640
Speaker 3: I love that, Jillian. Yeah, yeah, you are somebody they

1001
00:45:03,640 --> 00:45:04,359
Speaker 3: bring home to mom.

1002
00:45:04,560 --> 00:45:06,400
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, you are. And that's a good thing and

1003
00:45:06,440 --> 00:45:07,279
Speaker 4: that's a lovely thing.

1004
00:45:07,480 --> 00:45:08,360
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah.

1005
00:45:08,440 --> 00:45:11,040
Speaker 2: And also enjoy the process of all of this, Like

1006
00:45:11,160 --> 00:45:14,000
Speaker 2: I know it may seem frustrating right now, but like

1007
00:45:14,080 --> 00:45:15,720
Speaker 2: you'll never get this time back again.

1008
00:45:15,840 --> 00:45:17,640
Speaker 1: You know, you're thirty two, you're.

1009
00:45:17,480 --> 00:45:20,560
Speaker 2: Single, you're on apps, Like, look at that as fun

1010
00:45:20,640 --> 00:45:24,040
Speaker 2: and adventurous instead of the disappointment that comes with it.

1011
00:45:24,080 --> 00:45:27,080
Speaker 2: There's also all these other fun, flirty things. Sometimes you

1012
00:45:27,120 --> 00:45:28,600
Speaker 2: flirt with people that you never even go on a

1013
00:45:28,680 --> 00:45:30,959
Speaker 2: date with. Yeah, and it's fun for like five days

1014
00:45:31,040 --> 00:45:33,040
Speaker 2: or two weeks, and it never comes to fruition. But

1015
00:45:33,160 --> 00:45:35,680
Speaker 2: like who cares, you know what I mean, it doesn't

1016
00:45:35,719 --> 00:45:38,760
Speaker 2: fucking matter. It's like, enjoy all of this that's happening,

1017
00:45:38,800 --> 00:45:41,040
Speaker 2: because you're never gonna be thirty two again, and you

1018
00:45:41,120 --> 00:45:43,200
Speaker 2: might not be You might meet somebody, get married and

1019
00:45:43,239 --> 00:45:44,920
Speaker 2: have kids and be like, God, I wish I went

1020
00:45:44,960 --> 00:45:46,480
Speaker 2: on some more dates, you know what I mean?

1021
00:45:46,840 --> 00:45:49,160
Speaker 7: Well, I have been to more countries than days this year,

1022
00:45:49,239 --> 00:45:50,400
Speaker 7: So I guess that's perfect.

1023
00:45:50,600 --> 00:45:52,920
Speaker 1: That's a good attitude too. I love that.

1024
00:45:53,040 --> 00:45:55,239
Speaker 5: Yeah, So you're a very interesting girl. You're a very

1025
00:45:55,280 --> 00:45:58,319
Speaker 5: interesting woman, so you need you need an interesting guy.

1026
00:45:58,400 --> 00:46:00,279
Speaker 5: And so anyone who's just like gonna be like, well,

1027
00:46:00,320 --> 00:46:01,759
Speaker 5: she won't get wasted with me.

1028
00:46:01,840 --> 00:46:02,520
Speaker 4: That's not your guy.

1029
00:46:02,800 --> 00:46:04,879
Speaker 2: No, but do you have any plants that you can say,

1030
00:46:04,880 --> 00:46:07,040
Speaker 2: because we need to put a plant in this area

1031
00:46:07,080 --> 00:46:09,920
Speaker 2: that isn't this tall that just like kind of comes

1032
00:46:10,000 --> 00:46:11,960
Speaker 2: up here and it's a little bit. I would keep

1033
00:46:12,000 --> 00:46:15,120
Speaker 2: asking our callers, but our last caller he was not helpful.

1034
00:46:15,960 --> 00:46:19,000
Speaker 7: I kill all plants. I just got flowers and at

1035
00:46:19,000 --> 00:46:21,600
Speaker 7: the farmers market and they're dead already, so I don't

1036
00:46:21,760 --> 00:46:23,680
Speaker 7: I can keep dogs alive, but not plants.

1037
00:46:24,120 --> 00:46:25,880
Speaker 1: She does have an enormous black.

1038
00:46:25,600 --> 00:46:26,360
Speaker 4: Dog, just like you.

1039
00:46:26,520 --> 00:46:28,360
Speaker 2: I mean, I don't need her to keep my dog alive.

1040
00:46:28,800 --> 00:46:30,879
Speaker 2: I mean, you keep your dog alive, and I'll try

1041
00:46:30,880 --> 00:46:33,040
Speaker 2: to keep mine alive. But I guess we can call

1042
00:46:33,080 --> 00:46:35,840
Speaker 2: this episode no plants for us.

1043
00:46:36,040 --> 00:46:38,080
Speaker 1: Okay, Well does that help you at all? Are you?

1044
00:46:39,040 --> 00:46:39,560
Speaker 7: Thank you?

1045
00:46:39,800 --> 00:46:42,040
Speaker 1: Okay, thanks, thanks for calling in.

1046
00:46:43,239 --> 00:46:44,840
Speaker 7: Bye bye, Jillan.

1047
00:46:44,920 --> 00:46:46,560
Speaker 3: Do you have advice for people who are on the

1048
00:46:46,560 --> 00:46:48,560
Speaker 3: apps and are just like suffering.

1049
00:46:49,800 --> 00:46:50,160
Speaker 4: Advice?

1050
00:46:50,320 --> 00:46:52,080
Speaker 5: Well, I think there's a few things. One is that

1051
00:46:52,280 --> 00:46:55,680
Speaker 5: really shouldn't don't depend it's designed to make you very dependent.

1052
00:46:55,719 --> 00:46:59,480
Speaker 5: Don't depend on them entirely. Like actually, go out, meet people,

1053
00:46:59,560 --> 00:47:02,440
Speaker 5: expand your circle, have fun, live your life to the fullest.

1054
00:47:03,080 --> 00:47:06,040
Speaker 5: Don't get so obsessive about it. Expand your zip code.

1055
00:47:06,920 --> 00:47:09,920
Speaker 5: That's important because also if you're in a big city

1056
00:47:10,160 --> 00:47:12,719
Speaker 5: usually that can be more difficult. So go like to

1057
00:47:12,760 --> 00:47:14,680
Speaker 5: the periphery. Maybe you have to drive thirty minutes, maybe

1058
00:47:14,680 --> 00:47:15,240
Speaker 5: you have to dry.

1059
00:47:15,080 --> 00:47:15,560
Speaker 1: In an hour.

1060
00:47:15,640 --> 00:47:16,720
Speaker 4: I think it's worth it.

1061
00:47:17,160 --> 00:47:22,680
Speaker 5: And don't be having a million different texting exchanging exchanges

1062
00:47:22,680 --> 00:47:25,000
Speaker 5: with lots of different people, Like focus on one person

1063
00:47:25,040 --> 00:47:28,640
Speaker 5: at a time, honestly, and meet the person, whether it's

1064
00:47:28,640 --> 00:47:31,000
Speaker 5: like through a FaceTime or zoom or in person quickly.

1065
00:47:31,400 --> 00:47:33,960
Speaker 5: Because what I've been seeing a lot lately is that,

1066
00:47:34,640 --> 00:47:36,839
Speaker 5: oh my god, I've been texting with this person. It's

1067
00:47:36,880 --> 00:47:39,200
Speaker 5: been like two months but we haven't met, and it

1068
00:47:39,239 --> 00:47:43,799
Speaker 5: creates this really weird false sense of intimacy. So just

1069
00:47:43,840 --> 00:47:47,480
Speaker 5: like if you are in it because you want a relationship,

1070
00:47:48,080 --> 00:47:51,560
Speaker 5: then you have to have discipline not to always be

1071
00:47:51,719 --> 00:47:54,239
Speaker 5: on it. You have to have some clear standards and

1072
00:47:54,320 --> 00:47:58,360
Speaker 5: also have some pictures of you where you're like smiling

1073
00:47:58,520 --> 00:48:00,960
Speaker 5: and it's not just like a poe with all this makeup,

1074
00:48:01,040 --> 00:48:04,560
Speaker 5: especially for women. And yeah, those are just my quick tips.

1075
00:48:04,640 --> 00:48:05,120
Speaker 1: That's great.

1076
00:48:06,080 --> 00:48:08,640
Speaker 3: Well, maybe let's take a break and we'll come back

1077
00:48:08,640 --> 00:48:11,160
Speaker 3: with a quick question, A quicker question.

1078
00:48:11,280 --> 00:48:13,040
Speaker 2: Okay, we'll take a break and we'll be right back,

1079
00:48:17,440 --> 00:48:19,240
Speaker 2: and we're back with Gilly and Tareki.

1080
00:48:19,360 --> 00:48:22,040
Speaker 3: And actually, before we're back, we can lose our headphones.

1081
00:48:22,480 --> 00:48:25,400
Speaker 1: I like my headphones. We feel it make me feel secure.

1082
00:48:25,880 --> 00:48:27,359
Speaker 1: I know, what do you got?

1083
00:48:27,719 --> 00:48:30,960
Speaker 3: I've got either my boyfriend has a lot of female

1084
00:48:31,000 --> 00:48:31,680
Speaker 3: friends or.

1085
00:48:33,280 --> 00:48:34,200
Speaker 4: My ex lover died.

1086
00:48:35,040 --> 00:48:37,840
Speaker 1: Oh what do you think?

1087
00:48:38,840 --> 00:48:39,919
Speaker 4: I think the ex lover died?

1088
00:48:39,960 --> 00:48:40,600
Speaker 3: Ex lover died?

1089
00:48:40,640 --> 00:48:40,879
Speaker 1: Okay?

1090
00:48:40,920 --> 00:48:41,520
Speaker 6: What is okay?

1091
00:48:41,800 --> 00:48:42,000
Speaker 8: Sure?

1092
00:48:42,120 --> 00:48:42,640
Speaker 1: I'm open?

1093
00:48:42,920 --> 00:48:46,480
Speaker 3: Okay, So, Tricia writes, Dear Chelsea, I just found out

1094
00:48:46,520 --> 00:48:48,960
Speaker 3: that my former lover, with whom I was in an

1095
00:48:48,960 --> 00:48:53,920
Speaker 3: extramarital relationship, died, a year ago. We were lovers undercover

1096
00:48:54,080 --> 00:48:58,640
Speaker 3: for ten years, and I loved him. I was very

1097
00:48:58,680 --> 00:49:02,040
Speaker 3: close to his wife. I know it's gross. She found

1098
00:49:02,080 --> 00:49:04,560
Speaker 3: out about us because of a drunk email I sent

1099
00:49:04,719 --> 00:49:06,759
Speaker 3: years ago when the guilt got the best of me,

1100
00:49:07,040 --> 00:49:08,400
Speaker 3: admitting to our relationship.

1101
00:49:08,800 --> 00:49:11,440
Speaker 1: I'mother great advertisement for alcohol.

1102
00:49:12,840 --> 00:49:13,960
Speaker 4: Skewing that way today.

1103
00:49:14,600 --> 00:49:17,600
Speaker 3: I'm since widowed and have only had two exchanges via

1104
00:49:17,640 --> 00:49:20,440
Speaker 3: LinkedIn with him since we broke up. But I started

1105
00:49:20,440 --> 00:49:22,800
Speaker 3: to write her how sorry I was for her loss

1106
00:49:23,120 --> 00:49:25,480
Speaker 3: and of course the damage I caused. But now I'm

1107
00:49:25,480 --> 00:49:29,880
Speaker 3: rethinking writing her. Should I reach out? What say you, thanks, Trisha?

1108
00:49:30,200 --> 00:49:34,040
Speaker 1: No, no, do not no reason to leave her alone.

1109
00:49:34,160 --> 00:49:36,760
Speaker 1: Let her grieve. Yeah, and you can do your grieving

1110
00:49:36,840 --> 00:49:37,520
Speaker 1: by yourself.

1111
00:49:38,280 --> 00:49:42,040
Speaker 4: And she lost her her husband, so she's a grieving both. Yeah.

1112
00:49:42,080 --> 00:49:43,319
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, never mind her.

1113
00:49:43,800 --> 00:49:44,719
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's a big no.

1114
00:49:45,239 --> 00:49:47,040
Speaker 1: Okay, I'm glad we're in agreement.

1115
00:49:47,239 --> 00:49:50,359
Speaker 3: Yeah, we do have probably time for that last other

1116
00:49:50,440 --> 00:49:51,200
Speaker 3: quick we want to do?

1117
00:49:51,640 --> 00:49:51,839
Speaker 5: Sure?

1118
00:49:52,000 --> 00:49:58,120
Speaker 3: Okay, great, So, Susannah says dear Chelsea. I'm in a

1119
00:49:58,120 --> 00:50:00,680
Speaker 3: new relationship where I feel secure for the most part.

1120
00:50:00,880 --> 00:50:02,680
Speaker 3: My one hang up with him is that he has

1121
00:50:02,719 --> 00:50:05,239
Speaker 3: a lot of female friends that he regularly talks to

1122
00:50:05,320 --> 00:50:08,960
Speaker 3: and hangs out with, both single and married alike. Obviously,

1123
00:50:09,000 --> 00:50:10,680
Speaker 3: I know I can't tell him who to be friends with,

1124
00:50:10,760 --> 00:50:12,839
Speaker 3: but I just cannot relate at all. Because I don't

1125
00:50:12,880 --> 00:50:16,200
Speaker 3: have any single straight men that I'm regularly talking to

1126
00:50:16,280 --> 00:50:19,600
Speaker 3: and hanging out with. It feels like it could quickly become.

1127
00:50:19,440 --> 00:50:20,799
Speaker 4: A slippery slope.

1128
00:50:21,080 --> 00:50:22,680
Speaker 3: I have not brought this up to him yet because

1129
00:50:22,680 --> 00:50:24,960
Speaker 3: I think it could easily be misconstrued as me being

1130
00:50:24,960 --> 00:50:28,160
Speaker 3: the jealous type or acting like the crazy girlfriend. I

1131
00:50:28,200 --> 00:50:30,880
Speaker 3: trust him, and I don't want to unnecessarily rock the

1132
00:50:30,920 --> 00:50:33,880
Speaker 3: boat of an otherwise great thing. He's been single for

1133
00:50:33,920 --> 00:50:36,400
Speaker 3: a long time, over a decade, so perhaps he doesn't

1134
00:50:36,400 --> 00:50:38,719
Speaker 3: even realize that it might make me uncomfortable since he's

1135
00:50:38,760 --> 00:50:41,320
Speaker 3: not used to having to consider someone else's feelings. My

1136
00:50:41,440 --> 00:50:43,600
Speaker 3: question is is it worth bringing up since it makes

1137
00:50:43,640 --> 00:50:46,520
Speaker 3: me feel uneasy or will it just naturally fade out

1138
00:50:46,520 --> 00:50:49,320
Speaker 3: over time now that he isn't single? Is it totally

1139
00:50:49,360 --> 00:50:51,319
Speaker 3: fine to be in a relationship and have a bunch

1140
00:50:51,320 --> 00:50:54,000
Speaker 3: of single friends of the opposite sex? Basically, is this

1141
00:50:54,040 --> 00:50:57,239
Speaker 3: a valid concern or am I just insecure? Susannah?

1142
00:50:57,320 --> 00:50:58,920
Speaker 4: How long have they been together? I forgot that.

1143
00:51:00,239 --> 00:51:03,440
Speaker 3: Let's see, it's just this new relationship. I don't think

1144
00:51:03,440 --> 00:51:04,719
Speaker 3: we have a timeline.

1145
00:51:04,920 --> 00:51:06,840
Speaker 1: Would you like to answer this first? Would you like

1146
00:51:06,880 --> 00:51:07,520
Speaker 1: to go first?

1147
00:51:08,640 --> 00:51:14,960
Speaker 5: I think that it's important when you're trying to foster

1148
00:51:15,040 --> 00:51:20,120
Speaker 5: a new relationship, certain other relationships might have to change.

1149
00:51:20,600 --> 00:51:23,279
Speaker 5: I also think that if you're gonna have a lot

1150
00:51:23,280 --> 00:51:26,319
Speaker 5: of friendships, female friendships, and you're a straight man, you're

1151
00:51:26,360 --> 00:51:30,000
Speaker 5: in a relationship with a woman, that she should be

1152
00:51:30,000 --> 00:51:33,160
Speaker 5: introduced to these friends and included somewhat.

1153
00:51:33,360 --> 00:51:33,640
Speaker 6: You know.

1154
00:51:34,080 --> 00:51:37,440
Speaker 5: It really just and also depends does he have a

1155
00:51:37,520 --> 00:51:39,239
Speaker 5: history with any of them? Has he hooked up with

1156
00:51:39,239 --> 00:51:42,200
Speaker 5: any of them? Did he date any of them? Those

1157
00:51:42,320 --> 00:51:46,080
Speaker 5: need boundaries around them, especially when you're trying to foster

1158
00:51:46,400 --> 00:51:48,680
Speaker 5: like safety and trust in a new relationship.

1159
00:51:48,800 --> 00:51:51,040
Speaker 2: What do you think, Well, I think she hasn't even

1160
00:51:51,080 --> 00:51:54,240
Speaker 2: broached the topic with him, and right now it doesn't

1161
00:51:54,320 --> 00:51:56,600
Speaker 2: sound like it doesn't sound nefarious. It sounds like he

1162
00:51:56,640 --> 00:51:58,360
Speaker 2: has a lot of friends that are girls, and I

1163
00:51:58,360 --> 00:51:59,800
Speaker 2: think people should be confident.

1164
00:52:00,320 --> 00:52:01,400
Speaker 1: She said in the letter.

1165
00:52:01,640 --> 00:52:03,759
Speaker 2: I don't have I can't relate because I don't have

1166
00:52:03,800 --> 00:52:05,759
Speaker 2: a lot of friends that are guys. Yeah, that's a

1167
00:52:05,800 --> 00:52:08,799
Speaker 2: you problem, not a heat problem, Well I have. I'm

1168
00:52:08,880 --> 00:52:11,640
Speaker 2: dating somebody who has lots of girlfriends.

1169
00:52:11,760 --> 00:52:12,240
Speaker 4: Uh huh.

1170
00:52:12,280 --> 00:52:15,120
Speaker 2: I have no issue with that whatsoever. I have lots

1171
00:52:15,160 --> 00:52:17,399
Speaker 2: of guy friends. I mean most of them are gay,

1172
00:52:17,480 --> 00:52:19,759
Speaker 2: but I have a lot of straight male friends. And

1173
00:52:19,800 --> 00:52:23,560
Speaker 2: it's just not an issue because I'm confident and he's confident.

1174
00:52:23,920 --> 00:52:26,560
Speaker 2: It's not a thing I don't think. I think if

1175
00:52:26,560 --> 00:52:30,000
Speaker 2: their issues arise because of it, in addition to your

1176
00:52:30,120 --> 00:52:35,200
Speaker 2: insecurity that is so far rooted in nothing, just her

1177
00:52:35,239 --> 00:52:38,399
Speaker 2: own insecurity, if there were issues that were derived from

1178
00:52:38,480 --> 00:52:40,279
Speaker 2: him in some one of these women, then yes it

1179
00:52:40,320 --> 00:52:43,120
Speaker 2: becomes an issue. But right now it sounds like her issue,

1180
00:52:43,120 --> 00:52:44,080
Speaker 2: not a him issue.

1181
00:52:44,200 --> 00:52:44,439
Speaker 7: Yeah.

1182
00:52:44,480 --> 00:52:46,520
Speaker 5: I mean, look, the thing is I agree. I think

1183
00:52:46,560 --> 00:52:49,320
Speaker 5: there's nuance. It's like, does he have these other friendships

1184
00:52:49,400 --> 00:52:52,399
Speaker 5: and is he not is he not communicating with her

1185
00:52:52,560 --> 00:52:53,000
Speaker 5: like when there.

1186
00:52:52,920 --> 00:52:55,960
Speaker 2: Should absolutely be free to meet all of them. Yeah,

1187
00:52:56,160 --> 00:52:57,360
Speaker 2: be incorporated.

1188
00:52:57,440 --> 00:52:59,960
Speaker 4: I think there be integration. I think that's really important.

1189
00:53:00,239 --> 00:53:00,759
Speaker 1: Definitely.

1190
00:53:01,000 --> 00:53:01,280
Speaker 4: Yeah.

1191
00:53:01,280 --> 00:53:03,719
Speaker 5: So I think as long as there's integration and as

1192
00:53:03,800 --> 00:53:07,160
Speaker 5: long as it's not like when there's where it gets messy.

1193
00:53:07,320 --> 00:53:09,919
Speaker 5: It's like if they have a problem and he's going

1194
00:53:09,960 --> 00:53:12,080
Speaker 5: to one of his female friends and he's not talking

1195
00:53:12,120 --> 00:53:15,400
Speaker 5: to her, but that doesn't seem to be what's happening.

1196
00:53:15,800 --> 00:53:17,000
Speaker 4: But I do want to bring that up.

1197
00:53:17,080 --> 00:53:20,080
Speaker 5: Is something that does potentially happen in couples where it

1198
00:53:20,520 --> 00:53:23,120
Speaker 5: absolutely can be a problem. Also, it can be a

1199
00:53:23,120 --> 00:53:24,880
Speaker 5: problem with one of those friends as someone who like

1200
00:53:24,920 --> 00:53:26,920
Speaker 5: a year ago, you were in a relationship with and

1201
00:53:26,960 --> 00:53:30,279
Speaker 5: there isn't any like clear boundaries. But at the same time,

1202
00:53:30,320 --> 00:53:32,759
Speaker 5: if it's just I do believe that there can be

1203
00:53:32,920 --> 00:53:37,879
Speaker 5: friendship and that it absolutely could be just her insecurities

1204
00:53:37,880 --> 00:53:38,920
Speaker 5: to your point, because I.

1205
00:53:38,920 --> 00:53:41,839
Speaker 2: Just don't think like you when you said I think

1206
00:53:41,880 --> 00:53:43,880
Speaker 2: the first thing you said was like, you know, when

1207
00:53:43,880 --> 00:53:46,760
Speaker 2: you're in a relationship, your other relationships have to change.

1208
00:53:46,920 --> 00:53:49,319
Speaker 2: I actually I don't think that's true unless you have

1209
00:53:49,400 --> 00:53:51,560
Speaker 2: some unhealthy relationships, you know what I mean.

1210
00:53:52,160 --> 00:53:54,000
Speaker 4: Yes, it might mean like so like life.

1211
00:53:54,120 --> 00:53:57,759
Speaker 2: I mean also including the girl in your relationships, Yeah,

1212
00:53:57,760 --> 00:54:02,080
Speaker 2: your girlfriend integration's really import I think where there needs

1213
00:54:02,120 --> 00:54:03,719
Speaker 2: to be changed is like if you have if he

1214
00:54:03,760 --> 00:54:05,600
Speaker 2: has a friendship with one of the women who's single,

1215
00:54:06,440 --> 00:54:08,239
Speaker 2: and you know.

1216
00:54:08,440 --> 00:54:11,239
Speaker 5: She's the first person he texts in the morning and

1217
00:54:11,280 --> 00:54:14,279
Speaker 5: they talk about everything, and they you know, they they

1218
00:54:14,360 --> 00:54:18,000
Speaker 5: do their Saturday nights together when you have a relationship

1219
00:54:18,640 --> 00:54:22,400
Speaker 5: that some of that relationship is going to have to change,

1220
00:54:22,640 --> 00:54:25,040
Speaker 5: but other than that, no, yeah, yeah.

1221
00:54:25,000 --> 00:54:28,680
Speaker 3: Okay, all right, well, thanks for writing in Susannah, and

1222
00:54:28,680 --> 00:54:28,960
Speaker 3: thank you.

1223
00:54:30,520 --> 00:54:31,320
Speaker 1: To have a plant.

1224
00:54:32,640 --> 00:54:34,360
Speaker 4: I will email her now, Okay.

1225
00:54:34,320 --> 00:54:36,799
Speaker 1: Okay, I like this. Okay, well everybody can order.

1226
00:54:37,000 --> 00:54:39,239
Speaker 2: It begins with you, the nine hard truth about love

1227
00:54:39,239 --> 00:54:40,320
Speaker 2: that will change your life.

1228
00:54:40,760 --> 00:54:42,319
Speaker 1: Yes, thank you so much.

1229
00:54:42,440 --> 00:54:44,799
Speaker 4: Thank you for having me. It was so much fun.

1230
00:54:44,880 --> 00:54:45,760
Speaker 1: Yeah, good times.

1231
00:54:45,840 --> 00:54:48,439
Speaker 2: Okay, Well we'll see everybody or here everybody, or listen

1232
00:54:48,480 --> 00:54:49,960
Speaker 2: to everybody or talk to everybody next week.

1233
00:54:49,960 --> 00:54:50,280
Speaker 6: Goodbye.

1234
00:54:51,320 --> 00:54:53,920
Speaker 3: If you'd like advice from Chelsea Shoots an email at

1235
00:54:53,920 --> 00:54:56,759
Speaker 3: Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be sure

1236
00:54:56,800 --> 00:54:59,680
Speaker 3: to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and

1237
00:55:00,000 --> 00:55:03,480
Speaker 3: engineered by Brad Dickard executive producer Katherine law and be

1238
00:55:03,520 --> 00:55:09,560
Speaker 3: sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com