WEBVTT - Don't keep score 

0:00:03.440 --> 0:00:06.680
<v Speaker 1>Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of I Heart Radio.

0:00:09.160 --> 0:00:14.760
<v Speaker 1>Good Morning, This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast.

0:00:15.680 --> 0:00:21.280
<v Speaker 1>Today's tip is for building and maintaining great friendships. Don't

0:00:21.840 --> 0:00:26.560
<v Speaker 1>keep score at any point. Some people are able to

0:00:26.600 --> 0:00:29.800
<v Speaker 1>invest more time and effort in a friendship than other people,

0:00:30.640 --> 0:00:34.160
<v Speaker 1>so what In most cases it will even up over time,

0:00:34.880 --> 0:00:38.400
<v Speaker 1>so there's no point keeping an accounting for any shorter period.

0:00:39.880 --> 0:00:42.760
<v Speaker 1>Today's tip, like another tip this week, comes from Shasta

0:00:42.800 --> 0:00:47.720
<v Speaker 1>Nelson's book Frontimacy, How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong health

0:00:47.920 --> 0:00:51.640
<v Speaker 1>and Happiness. Shasta was also a guest on the podcast

0:00:51.720 --> 0:00:53.840
<v Speaker 1>Best of Both Worlds, which I co host with Sarah

0:00:53.880 --> 0:00:58.600
<v Speaker 1>hart Unger. Shasta uses the image of a friendtimacy triangle

0:00:58.720 --> 0:01:02.360
<v Speaker 1>to conceptualize the com own it's necessary for friendimacy, that

0:01:02.520 --> 0:01:07.640
<v Speaker 1>is intimacy with our friends. The base of the frontimacy triangle,

0:01:07.720 --> 0:01:11.720
<v Speaker 1>she asserts, is positivity, and the legs of the frontimacy

0:01:11.720 --> 0:01:16.759
<v Speaker 1>triangle or consistency and vulnerability. The previous tip I shared

0:01:16.800 --> 0:01:21.280
<v Speaker 1>about recognizing that friendship isn't efficient paves the way for

0:01:21.480 --> 0:01:25.800
<v Speaker 1>consistency in our friendships. You have to invest your time

0:01:25.959 --> 0:01:31.240
<v Speaker 1>in showing up. Today's tip about not keeping score leads

0:01:31.240 --> 0:01:37.040
<v Speaker 1>to friendships that are positive. What does positivity and friendships mean?

0:01:37.920 --> 0:01:42.319
<v Speaker 1>Shasta writes, we want joy not drama. We want laughter

0:01:42.640 --> 0:01:48.560
<v Speaker 1>not grievance. We want affirmation not advice. Of course, negative

0:01:48.560 --> 0:01:50.920
<v Speaker 1>feelings happen in any part of life, but we don't

0:01:50.920 --> 0:01:55.960
<v Speaker 1>want them to define or overwhelm our friendships. Shasta cites

0:01:56.000 --> 0:01:58.920
<v Speaker 1>research from marriage researcher John Gottman that people need a

0:01:59.000 --> 0:02:03.880
<v Speaker 1>ratio of five positive experiences to every one negative experience

0:02:04.160 --> 0:02:08.080
<v Speaker 1>for a relationship to succeed. In other words, for every

0:02:08.120 --> 0:02:12.840
<v Speaker 1>negative experience, for every stressor headache or unmet expectation, as

0:02:12.840 --> 0:02:16.360
<v Speaker 1>she puts it, we need at least five experiences that

0:02:16.400 --> 0:02:21.600
<v Speaker 1>feel good. Shasta encourages us to nourish our friendships with positivity.

0:02:21.840 --> 0:02:25.359
<v Speaker 1>She explains, every time we ask about someone in her life,

0:02:25.400 --> 0:02:28.880
<v Speaker 1>or remember her birthday, leave a comment on her Facebook post,

0:02:29.040 --> 0:02:32.119
<v Speaker 1>or text a photo from our time together, we increase

0:02:32.240 --> 0:02:37.399
<v Speaker 1>the positivity in our relationship. In addition to adding positivity

0:02:37.440 --> 0:02:42.280
<v Speaker 1>to our friendships, we want to avoid injecting negativity. One

0:02:42.320 --> 0:02:47.160
<v Speaker 1>way of doing that is by not keeping score. In

0:02:47.200 --> 0:02:50.240
<v Speaker 1>other words, don't keep track of who's being the better

0:02:50.320 --> 0:02:54.880
<v Speaker 1>friend or giving more to the friendship. Nobody wins when

0:02:54.880 --> 0:02:58.799
<v Speaker 1>we keep score. Either you lose because you're giving more

0:02:58.840 --> 0:03:01.720
<v Speaker 1>than you're receiving and you choose to feel resentful, or

0:03:01.800 --> 0:03:03.920
<v Speaker 1>you lose because you're giving less than your friend and

0:03:03.960 --> 0:03:07.080
<v Speaker 1>you choose to feel guilty. Where is the joy or

0:03:07.160 --> 0:03:11.400
<v Speaker 1>positivity in that? Shasta also notes that we and our

0:03:11.440 --> 0:03:16.160
<v Speaker 1>friends may interpret our experiences entirely differently. We each may

0:03:16.200 --> 0:03:20.320
<v Speaker 1>think that we are due more points. For instance, she asks,

0:03:20.480 --> 0:03:23.720
<v Speaker 1>do I get points for always hosting girls night or

0:03:23.800 --> 0:03:26.440
<v Speaker 1>does she get points for always driving the distance to

0:03:26.480 --> 0:03:29.960
<v Speaker 1>reach me? Am I gifting her with an invitation to

0:03:30.000 --> 0:03:33.200
<v Speaker 1>my special dinner party? Or is she gifting me by

0:03:33.240 --> 0:03:35.560
<v Speaker 1>paying for a night of babysitting in order to come?

0:03:36.760 --> 0:03:39.400
<v Speaker 1>Was the generosity in asking my friend a lot of

0:03:39.520 --> 0:03:43.080
<v Speaker 1>questions about her life? Or was the generosity in her

0:03:43.240 --> 0:03:46.440
<v Speaker 1>being willing to share and reveal all these stories to me?

0:03:47.680 --> 0:03:51.200
<v Speaker 1>Her example show us that there's lots of giving and friendships,

0:03:51.720 --> 0:03:56.160
<v Speaker 1>so it is virtually impossible and pretty much not helpful

0:03:56.760 --> 0:04:01.760
<v Speaker 1>to try to determine who is investing. More So, don't

0:04:02.440 --> 0:04:06.920
<v Speaker 1>do it. Take the long view in any given moment,

0:04:06.960 --> 0:04:09.240
<v Speaker 1>if you feel things are uneven, just assume that they

0:04:09.240 --> 0:04:11.560
<v Speaker 1>won't be in the future, or maybe they haven't been

0:04:11.840 --> 0:04:15.080
<v Speaker 1>in the past. As with most things in life, we

0:04:15.160 --> 0:04:19.920
<v Speaker 1>are better off assuming the best until we absolutely can't

0:04:20.040 --> 0:04:23.920
<v Speaker 1>assume the best anymore. Then we can deal with it.

0:04:24.920 --> 0:04:29.960
<v Speaker 1>Not all friendships last forever, but sometimes people get busy,

0:04:30.760 --> 0:04:34.840
<v Speaker 1>they have family crises. When we don't keep score and

0:04:34.880 --> 0:04:38.919
<v Speaker 1>we stay positive, it increases the chances that the friendship

0:04:39.160 --> 0:04:43.440
<v Speaker 1>roars back when the time is right, and in that scenario,

0:04:44.400 --> 0:04:50.640
<v Speaker 1>everybody wins. In the meantime, this is Laura. Thanks for listening,

0:04:51.400 --> 0:05:01.120
<v Speaker 1>and here's to making the most of our time. Hey everybody,

0:05:01.360 --> 0:05:03.479
<v Speaker 1>I'd love to hear from you. You can send me

0:05:03.520 --> 0:05:07.159
<v Speaker 1>your tips, your questions, or anything else. Just connect with

0:05:07.160 --> 0:05:11.599
<v Speaker 1>me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram at Before Breakfast pod

0:05:12.240 --> 0:05:16.640
<v Speaker 1>that's b E the number four, then Breakfast p o D.

0:05:17.440 --> 0:05:20.320
<v Speaker 1>You can also shoot me an email at Before Breakfast

0:05:20.400 --> 0:05:24.279
<v Speaker 1>podcast at iHeartMedia dot com That Before Breakfast is spelled

0:05:24.279 --> 0:05:26.920
<v Speaker 1>out with all the letters. Thanks so much, I look

0:05:26.960 --> 0:05:35.320
<v Speaker 1>forward to staying in touch. Before Breakfast is a production

0:05:35.360 --> 0:05:38.800
<v Speaker 1>of I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from I heart Radio,

0:05:39.240 --> 0:05:42.799
<v Speaker 1>visit the i heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever

0:05:42.839 --> 0:05:44.200
<v Speaker 1>you listen to your favorite shows.