1 00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:06,680 Speaker 1: Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of I Heart Radio. 2 00:00:09,160 --> 00:00:14,760 Speaker 1: Good Morning, This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast. 3 00:00:15,680 --> 00:00:21,280 Speaker 1: Today's tip is for building and maintaining great friendships. Don't 4 00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:26,560 Speaker 1: keep score at any point. Some people are able to 5 00:00:26,600 --> 00:00:29,800 Speaker 1: invest more time and effort in a friendship than other people, 6 00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:34,160 Speaker 1: so what In most cases it will even up over time, 7 00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:38,400 Speaker 1: so there's no point keeping an accounting for any shorter period. 8 00:00:39,880 --> 00:00:42,760 Speaker 1: Today's tip, like another tip this week, comes from Shasta 9 00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:47,720 Speaker 1: Nelson's book Frontimacy, How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong health 10 00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:51,640 Speaker 1: and Happiness. Shasta was also a guest on the podcast 11 00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:53,840 Speaker 1: Best of Both Worlds, which I co host with Sarah 12 00:00:53,880 --> 00:00:58,600 Speaker 1: hart Unger. Shasta uses the image of a friendtimacy triangle 13 00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:02,360 Speaker 1: to conceptualize the com own it's necessary for friendimacy, that 14 00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:07,640 Speaker 1: is intimacy with our friends. The base of the frontimacy triangle, 15 00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:11,720 Speaker 1: she asserts, is positivity, and the legs of the frontimacy 16 00:01:11,720 --> 00:01:16,759 Speaker 1: triangle or consistency and vulnerability. The previous tip I shared 17 00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:21,280 Speaker 1: about recognizing that friendship isn't efficient paves the way for 18 00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:25,800 Speaker 1: consistency in our friendships. You have to invest your time 19 00:01:25,959 --> 00:01:31,240 Speaker 1: in showing up. Today's tip about not keeping score leads 20 00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:37,040 Speaker 1: to friendships that are positive. What does positivity and friendships mean? 21 00:01:37,920 --> 00:01:42,319 Speaker 1: Shasta writes, we want joy not drama. We want laughter 22 00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:48,560 Speaker 1: not grievance. We want affirmation not advice. Of course, negative 23 00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:50,920 Speaker 1: feelings happen in any part of life, but we don't 24 00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:55,960 Speaker 1: want them to define or overwhelm our friendships. Shasta cites 25 00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:58,920 Speaker 1: research from marriage researcher John Gottman that people need a 26 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:03,880 Speaker 1: ratio of five positive experiences to every one negative experience 27 00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:08,080 Speaker 1: for a relationship to succeed. In other words, for every 28 00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:12,840 Speaker 1: negative experience, for every stressor headache or unmet expectation, as 29 00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:16,360 Speaker 1: she puts it, we need at least five experiences that 30 00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:21,600 Speaker 1: feel good. Shasta encourages us to nourish our friendships with positivity. 31 00:02:21,840 --> 00:02:25,359 Speaker 1: She explains, every time we ask about someone in her life, 32 00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:28,880 Speaker 1: or remember her birthday, leave a comment on her Facebook post, 33 00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:32,119 Speaker 1: or text a photo from our time together, we increase 34 00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:37,399 Speaker 1: the positivity in our relationship. In addition to adding positivity 35 00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:42,280 Speaker 1: to our friendships, we want to avoid injecting negativity. One 36 00:02:42,320 --> 00:02:47,160 Speaker 1: way of doing that is by not keeping score. In 37 00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:50,240 Speaker 1: other words, don't keep track of who's being the better 38 00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:54,880 Speaker 1: friend or giving more to the friendship. Nobody wins when 39 00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:58,799 Speaker 1: we keep score. Either you lose because you're giving more 40 00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:01,720 Speaker 1: than you're receiving and you choose to feel resentful, or 41 00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:03,920 Speaker 1: you lose because you're giving less than your friend and 42 00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:07,080 Speaker 1: you choose to feel guilty. Where is the joy or 43 00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:11,400 Speaker 1: positivity in that? Shasta also notes that we and our 44 00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:16,160 Speaker 1: friends may interpret our experiences entirely differently. We each may 45 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:20,320 Speaker 1: think that we are due more points. For instance, she asks, 46 00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:23,720 Speaker 1: do I get points for always hosting girls night or 47 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:26,440 Speaker 1: does she get points for always driving the distance to 48 00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:29,960 Speaker 1: reach me? Am I gifting her with an invitation to 49 00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:33,200 Speaker 1: my special dinner party? Or is she gifting me by 50 00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:35,560 Speaker 1: paying for a night of babysitting in order to come? 51 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:39,400 Speaker 1: Was the generosity in asking my friend a lot of 52 00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:43,080 Speaker 1: questions about her life? Or was the generosity in her 53 00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:46,440 Speaker 1: being willing to share and reveal all these stories to me? 54 00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:51,200 Speaker 1: Her example show us that there's lots of giving and friendships, 55 00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:56,160 Speaker 1: so it is virtually impossible and pretty much not helpful 56 00:03:56,760 --> 00:04:01,760 Speaker 1: to try to determine who is investing. More So, don't 57 00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:06,920 Speaker 1: do it. Take the long view in any given moment, 58 00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:09,240 Speaker 1: if you feel things are uneven, just assume that they 59 00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:11,560 Speaker 1: won't be in the future, or maybe they haven't been 60 00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:15,080 Speaker 1: in the past. As with most things in life, we 61 00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:19,920 Speaker 1: are better off assuming the best until we absolutely can't 62 00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:23,920 Speaker 1: assume the best anymore. Then we can deal with it. 63 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:29,960 Speaker 1: Not all friendships last forever, but sometimes people get busy, 64 00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:34,840 Speaker 1: they have family crises. When we don't keep score and 65 00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:38,919 Speaker 1: we stay positive, it increases the chances that the friendship 66 00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:43,440 Speaker 1: roars back when the time is right, and in that scenario, 67 00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:50,640 Speaker 1: everybody wins. In the meantime, this is Laura. Thanks for listening, 68 00:04:51,400 --> 00:05:01,120 Speaker 1: and here's to making the most of our time. Hey everybody, 69 00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:03,479 Speaker 1: I'd love to hear from you. You can send me 70 00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:07,159 Speaker 1: your tips, your questions, or anything else. Just connect with 71 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:11,599 Speaker 1: me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram at Before Breakfast pod 72 00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:16,640 Speaker 1: that's b E the number four, then Breakfast p o D. 73 00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:20,320 Speaker 1: You can also shoot me an email at Before Breakfast 74 00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:24,279 Speaker 1: podcast at iHeartMedia dot com That Before Breakfast is spelled 75 00:05:24,279 --> 00:05:26,920 Speaker 1: out with all the letters. Thanks so much, I look 76 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:35,320 Speaker 1: forward to staying in touch. Before Breakfast is a production 77 00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:38,800 Speaker 1: of I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from I heart Radio, 78 00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:42,799 Speaker 1: visit the i heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever 79 00:05:42,839 --> 00:05:44,200 Speaker 1: you listen to your favorite shows.