WEBVTT - 3 Personality Types In Relationships and How To Create A Powerful Connection With Someone 0:00:00.160 --> 0:00:02.000 How many of you know that you're the fixer in 0:00:02.000 --> 0:00:04.800 your friend group. Just take a moment reflect on your 0:00:04.800 --> 0:00:07.280 friend group, not without judging them, reflect an introspect and 0:00:07.360 --> 0:00:09.159 think about it. Do all your friends come to you 0:00:09.160 --> 0:00:11.799 for advice? Do all your friends come to you with 0:00:11.840 --> 0:00:14.040 their problems? Are you the agony? Aren't? Are you the 0:00:14.040 --> 0:00:16.320 person that they go to to solve all their issues? 0:00:16.360 --> 0:00:19.120 There's nothing wrong with this, but you may be playing 0:00:19.160 --> 0:00:22.360 the classic role of a fixer, not just in your 0:00:22.600 --> 0:00:32.839 romantic relationships, but in your friendships and your family. Hey. Everyone, 0:00:32.880 --> 0:00:36.200 welcome back to our Purpose, the number one health podcast 0:00:36.400 --> 0:00:39.800 in the world. Thanks to each and every single one 0:00:39.840 --> 0:00:43.280 of you that come back every week to listen, learn 0:00:43.520 --> 0:00:49.240 and grow. We've been on an incredible journey together. Whether 0:00:49.280 --> 0:00:52.600 you're walking your dog right now, whether you're listening while 0:00:52.640 --> 0:00:54.960 you're driving as I see so many of you doing, 0:00:55.400 --> 0:00:57.720 or whether you're cooking, or whether you're at the gym. 0:00:57.800 --> 0:01:00.880 I just want to say a big thank you to 0:01:01.000 --> 0:01:03.240 each and every one of you for the love you 0:01:03.320 --> 0:01:07.200 show on Purpose. It does not go unnoticed. As always, 0:01:07.200 --> 0:01:09.360 I can't wait to have on Purpose events where we're 0:01:09.360 --> 0:01:11.120 going to be together. I get to hug you, I 0:01:11.120 --> 0:01:13.560 get to do this live. It's all going to happen, 0:01:13.560 --> 0:01:15.960 it's all coming, and I want to take a moment 0:01:16.000 --> 0:01:20.480 to just honor our reviews that so many of you 0:01:20.560 --> 0:01:24.440 so beautifully leave. And this one was from even May. 0:01:25.280 --> 0:01:28.119 This is a daily listen for me and my twelve 0:01:28.200 --> 0:01:31.120 year old son on the way to school. Thanks Jay 0:01:31.120 --> 0:01:34.280 for your insights and wisdom from you and your guests. 0:01:34.400 --> 0:01:37.360 I so deeply appreciate that. I love us sharing this 0:01:37.800 --> 0:01:41.639 with the next generations as well. So this is from Morgan. 0:01:42.120 --> 0:01:45.240 Can I give it ten stars? Please? I love that start. 0:01:45.280 --> 0:01:48.160 That is so epic, Jay and On Purpose crew. This 0:01:48.280 --> 0:01:50.559 podcast has truly been a light to my life since 0:01:50.600 --> 0:01:53.640 the very first one I listen to. I try every 0:01:53.680 --> 0:01:56.480 day to apply what I've learned here to my everyday living. 0:01:56.920 --> 0:01:59.560 It always brings me joy and good vibes. Will forever 0:01:59.600 --> 0:02:02.960 be a listener of On Purpose. Jay. I just want 0:02:02.960 --> 0:02:05.480 you to know that I see you, I hear you, 0:02:05.560 --> 0:02:08.760 and I appreciate you. Thank you for helping me improve 0:02:08.800 --> 0:02:13.240 my mindfulness, self compassion, and growth. You and your teachings 0:02:13.280 --> 0:02:15.840 are a blessing to this world. Looking forward to more 0:02:15.880 --> 0:02:20.760 times spent listening to this podcast. Much love, Morgan, well, Morgan, 0:02:21.200 --> 0:02:24.720 you've inspired something from me today. To everyone who's listening, 0:02:25.080 --> 0:02:28.960 I see you, I hear you, and I appreciate you. 0:02:29.440 --> 0:02:33.960 Thank you to Morgan for sharing that beautiful moment for us. 0:02:34.960 --> 0:02:37.919 This one is from Ashley. I related to this episode 0:02:37.919 --> 0:02:40.600 on a much deeper level. My boyfriend and I are 0:02:40.600 --> 0:02:43.600 having problems with being vulnerable with one another, and our 0:02:43.600 --> 0:02:47.640 communication hasn't been the best lately. We work opposite schedules, 0:02:47.800 --> 0:02:49.760 so we kind of fell into a rut of not 0:02:49.840 --> 0:02:52.919 discussing what's really been bothering us. We're trying to work 0:02:52.960 --> 0:02:55.919 things out, and this just reminded me that listening first 0:02:56.000 --> 0:02:58.960 before we've respond is so important. You always put things 0:02:59.000 --> 0:03:01.560 into perspective. If you love someone, you don't throw the 0:03:01.600 --> 0:03:04.240 love away over a mistake. If you truly love them, 0:03:04.280 --> 0:03:06.680 you work to forgive and understand where they're coming from. 0:03:07.040 --> 0:03:08.920 We live in a day where love is synthetic and 0:03:09.000 --> 0:03:12.040 not valued. Thank you for reminding listeners what it means 0:03:12.040 --> 0:03:14.840 to cherish you a significant other and having a great 0:03:14.880 --> 0:03:18.639 relationship takes work. Nothing comes easy. I appreciate you and 0:03:18.720 --> 0:03:23.679 all the knowledge you share to help relationships work. And last, well, Ashley, 0:03:23.840 --> 0:03:27.880 you are going to love today's episode because it's all 0:03:27.919 --> 0:03:32.240 about the three role types that we play in a 0:03:32.320 --> 0:03:37.400 relationship and what kind of relationships they lead to. Now, 0:03:37.400 --> 0:03:40.000 whether you're in a relationship, whether you just broke up, 0:03:40.000 --> 0:03:43.320 whether you just started dating someone, or whether you're single 0:03:43.360 --> 0:03:46.480 and you're just thinking back to the past, this episode 0:03:46.560 --> 0:03:49.600 is going to help you understand where things go wrong. 0:03:50.280 --> 0:03:53.480 This episode is going to help you understand and select 0:03:53.760 --> 0:03:58.120 your role type in a relationship and what that means. 0:03:58.800 --> 0:04:00.600 So I'm going to ask you if you questions that 0:04:00.640 --> 0:04:02.880 I want you to think about that is going to 0:04:02.920 --> 0:04:08.080 help you decipher which role is the role you play. 0:04:08.160 --> 0:04:11.880 So for each of these questions, I want you to 0:04:11.920 --> 0:04:17.160 give yourself a score out of ten. The first question 0:04:17.360 --> 0:04:24.560 is do you find yourself to constantly be trying to solve, nurture, help, 0:04:25.640 --> 0:04:30.120 or make the other person better? Are you involved in 0:04:30.200 --> 0:04:34.800 trying to improve, grow and make the other person better? 0:04:34.839 --> 0:04:36.960 And are you trying to make it happen for them, 0:04:37.640 --> 0:04:41.120 trying to carry them sometimes? Give that a score out 0:04:41.120 --> 0:04:44.400 of ten. The next question is how many of you 0:04:44.440 --> 0:04:48.320 in a relationship feel that you rely on your partner 0:04:48.320 --> 0:04:50.919 a lot. You go to them with your problems, you 0:04:50.960 --> 0:04:52.520 go to them with your complaints. You go to them 0:04:52.520 --> 0:04:56.120 with all your issues and you expect them to be 0:04:56.160 --> 0:04:58.839 able to find solutions for them. And you have to 0:04:58.839 --> 0:05:01.400 be really honest with yourself as you answer these questions again, 0:05:01.520 --> 0:05:03.800 zero to ten. Zero means I never do that, Ten 0:05:03.839 --> 0:05:05.840 means I do that quite a lot. Where are you? 0:05:06.880 --> 0:05:08.800 And the third and final question I want you to 0:05:08.880 --> 0:05:13.159 reflect on is do I support my partner? Do I 0:05:13.480 --> 0:05:16.920 value their dreams? Do I respect their time in space 0:05:16.960 --> 0:05:19.039 and how they like to spend their time in space? 0:05:19.160 --> 0:05:21.360 Or do I always want them to change it? Do 0:05:21.400 --> 0:05:25.120 I truly understand and acknowledge and recognize who they are 0:05:25.160 --> 0:05:27.520 and what they're doing, or do I truly want them 0:05:27.520 --> 0:05:29.840 to change inside? So where are you? Do you truly support? 0:05:29.880 --> 0:05:32.159 Are you at a ten? Or are you at a 0:05:32.240 --> 0:05:33.960 five because you're like I kind of do, but I 0:05:33.960 --> 0:05:36.039 wish they'd do stuff differently? Or are you at zero? 0:05:36.880 --> 0:05:41.320 So answer those all honestly, take a moment to reflect, 0:05:42.080 --> 0:05:45.440 don't give yourself the easy way out. And now you'll 0:05:45.480 --> 0:05:47.839 have three numbers all out of ten. So you either 0:05:47.880 --> 0:05:50.400 have ten, ten, ten, zero, zero, zero, or any number 0:05:50.440 --> 0:05:54.440 in between zero to ten for each answer the first 0:05:54.640 --> 0:05:59.080 type or role that question. One alludes to is being 0:05:59.160 --> 0:06:03.800 the fixer in relationships. This is the parent mentality. We 0:06:03.880 --> 0:06:07.320 play the role of a parent. We're constantly trying to parent. 0:06:07.520 --> 0:06:11.040 Mother and father are partners. We're trying to take care 0:06:11.040 --> 0:06:13.800 of their every needs. We're sensitive to everything they do, 0:06:13.880 --> 0:06:16.240 and we really feel that we can fix them and 0:06:16.320 --> 0:06:17.880 we can take care of them, and we have to 0:06:17.960 --> 0:06:21.400 nurture them, and that's our responsibility. That their happiness is 0:06:21.440 --> 0:06:25.719 our job, their happiness is our priority. If you rated 0:06:25.800 --> 0:06:28.560 yourself as high, it means you have a high fixer 0:06:28.640 --> 0:06:32.920 in you. This mentality can be useful, but it can 0:06:32.960 --> 0:06:36.520 also go overboard. You start to parent mummy or daddy 0:06:36.920 --> 0:06:41.040 your partner, which forces them into behaving like a child. 0:06:41.520 --> 0:06:46.040 The second type is fragile. How many of you are 0:06:46.080 --> 0:06:50.200 constantly dependent on, a reliant on your partner. Now, fragile 0:06:50.240 --> 0:06:52.640 doesn't mean that you are fragile. Remember, you are not 0:06:52.680 --> 0:06:56.720 a fixer. You're not fragile. It's you're conditioning. It's the experiences, 0:06:56.760 --> 0:06:59.839 the baggage that you've packed and gathered. Right, If you 0:07:00.120 --> 0:07:02.040 dirty clothes, it doesn't mean you're dirty, It means you 0:07:02.080 --> 0:07:05.880 have dirty clothes. If your clothes don't fit anymore, it's 0:07:05.920 --> 0:07:09.200 your clothes that don't fit anymore. So recognize that you 0:07:09.240 --> 0:07:11.760 are not the fixer or you are not fragile, but 0:07:11.880 --> 0:07:13.960 it is the experience you're going under. This is the 0:07:14.080 --> 0:07:16.960 child mentality. You run to your partner for everything. You 0:07:17.000 --> 0:07:18.920 want them to fix you, You want them to figure 0:07:18.920 --> 0:07:22.480 it all out, and often you can drain and overwhelm them. 0:07:22.920 --> 0:07:25.840 So for those of you the fixer, you can almost 0:07:25.920 --> 0:07:29.320 be overpowering and upset when the person isn't fixed. And 0:07:29.360 --> 0:07:32.440 if you're the fragile one, you get upset when that 0:07:32.520 --> 0:07:35.520 partner can't fix your problems and can't solve everything for you. 0:07:36.200 --> 0:07:38.000 Where were you on a scale of one to ten. 0:07:38.720 --> 0:07:40.440 So again you left two numbers and you're able to 0:07:40.480 --> 0:07:43.239 see where you are in each scale. And the third 0:07:43.280 --> 0:07:47.360 one is this supporter the partner mentality. You're not a parent, 0:07:47.680 --> 0:07:50.520 you're not a child, you're a partner. We're trying to 0:07:50.560 --> 0:07:54.000 take responsibility. We're trying to develop patients. We're trying to 0:07:54.000 --> 0:07:57.800 help the other person grow, but we're not trying to micromanage. 0:07:58.120 --> 0:08:00.600 We're not being a mother or father a parent. Again, 0:08:01.440 --> 0:08:04.840 so these are the three key roles that we've played 0:08:04.880 --> 0:08:08.720 in relationships. And I want you to think back to 0:08:08.800 --> 0:08:13.040 any of your past relationships for a moment and reflect 0:08:13.080 --> 0:08:15.320 on which roles have you played. How many of you 0:08:15.360 --> 0:08:19.160 have played the fixer? My hand is high up in 0:08:19.200 --> 0:08:22.200 the sky. I have played the fixer. How many of 0:08:22.240 --> 0:08:26.240 you have played the fragile? My hand is high up 0:08:26.240 --> 0:08:28.360 in the sky. I have played the fragile? And how 0:08:28.360 --> 0:08:31.640 many of you have played the supporter? Both my hands 0:08:31.640 --> 0:08:34.800 are raised. I'm so happy to finally be there, to 0:08:34.840 --> 0:08:36.480 stop trying to be a child and stop trying to 0:08:36.520 --> 0:08:40.640 be a parent and starting to be a partner, starting 0:08:40.679 --> 0:08:45.360 to be a supporter. Now, let's talk about that journey, 0:08:45.559 --> 0:08:47.839 because a lot of the times, the reason why we 0:08:47.960 --> 0:08:51.520 end up as fixers of fragile is because of our parenting, 0:08:51.720 --> 0:08:55.600 the style that we received, our previous experiences in relationships. 0:08:56.400 --> 0:08:58.200 How many of you know that you're the fixer in 0:08:58.240 --> 0:09:01.280 your friend group? Just take a moment reflect on your 0:09:01.280 --> 0:09:03.679 friend group, not without judging them, reflect an introspect and 0:09:03.760 --> 0:09:06.040 think about it. Do all your friends come to you 0:09:06.080 --> 0:09:09.080 for advice? Do all your friends come to you with 0:09:09.160 --> 0:09:11.280 their problems? Are you the agony aunt? To you? The 0:09:11.320 --> 0:09:13.520 person that they go to to solve all their issues? 0:09:13.559 --> 0:09:16.400 There's nothing wrong with this, but you may be playing 0:09:16.440 --> 0:09:19.760 the classic role of a fixer, not just in your 0:09:20.000 --> 0:09:24.280 romantic relationships, but in your friendships and your family. How 0:09:24.280 --> 0:09:26.199 many of you were the ones that kept the peace 0:09:26.400 --> 0:09:29.960 in your family so that no one else argued. Sometimes 0:09:30.000 --> 0:09:32.480 you even silenced your own voice and opinion because you 0:09:32.600 --> 0:09:35.680 thought it would disturb the peace. Think about this for 0:09:35.720 --> 0:09:37.640 a moment. How many of us feel, Oh, yeah, I 0:09:37.720 --> 0:09:40.080 was the peacekeeper in my family. We see that as 0:09:40.120 --> 0:09:42.680 a positive, but actually what we were doing is trying 0:09:42.760 --> 0:09:46.000 to fix something without listening to our own voice, without 0:09:46.000 --> 0:09:49.000 listening to how we truly felt about it, without honoring 0:09:49.000 --> 0:09:52.880 our own emotions and our own thoughts and our own ideas. 0:09:53.440 --> 0:09:57.200 How many of you feel that when you're with someone, 0:09:57.240 --> 0:09:58.840 you're constantly trying to be like, Oh, I wish they 0:09:58.840 --> 0:10:01.280 had a better job, you know, I wish they just 0:10:01.400 --> 0:10:03.280 dressed a bit better. You can't see trying to fix 0:10:03.360 --> 0:10:07.440 the other person. And the problem with this is if 0:10:07.480 --> 0:10:11.720 someone doesn't want to be fixed, you obviously push them away. 0:10:12.400 --> 0:10:15.520 And if someone does want to be fixed, you are 0:10:15.880 --> 0:10:21.280 increasing that child mentality, which means consistent dependence. And the 0:10:21.360 --> 0:10:24.200 interesting thing about fixes. All of us who've experienced it. 0:10:24.280 --> 0:10:27.160 Me included is that there's only so long we want 0:10:27.160 --> 0:10:30.640 to be fixes for. At first, we get our significance 0:10:30.720 --> 0:10:35.319 in a relationship from being a fixer. We get our enjoyment, 0:10:35.360 --> 0:10:37.840 We get our confidence in a relationship from being a fixer. 0:10:37.920 --> 0:10:40.720 We think, oh, yeah, this person needs me, this person 0:10:40.800 --> 0:10:43.120 needs me, and I'm here for them, and that's how 0:10:43.120 --> 0:10:47.480 I get my significance in the relationship. And slowly that 0:10:47.640 --> 0:10:57.040 significance starts to fade away. That confidence, it starts to diminish. 0:10:57.200 --> 0:11:03.479 We get drained by our own mindset. We get overwhelmed 0:11:04.000 --> 0:11:08.560 by our own mindset. The fixer is good so long 0:11:08.600 --> 0:11:12.280 as the fixer thinks that they're not a fixer. But 0:11:12.440 --> 0:11:14.960 most of us realize we're just trying to fix something 0:11:15.000 --> 0:11:18.280 that we don't have the right to fix, or we 0:11:18.360 --> 0:11:21.520 don't even have the ability to fix, and it might 0:11:21.600 --> 0:11:24.960 not even be broken. It's that person's journey, it's that 0:11:25.080 --> 0:11:28.600 person's growth. When we start detaching from that, we start 0:11:28.640 --> 0:11:33.160 realizing that person is on their journey. Happiness for themselves 0:11:33.240 --> 0:11:36.640 is their job. Fulfillment is their journey. I can support 0:11:36.640 --> 0:11:41.680 and facilitate, I can guide, I can introduce, but I 0:11:41.720 --> 0:11:45.120 don't have to be the person, and a lot of 0:11:45.160 --> 0:11:48.959 us struggle. I'll give you an example. I used to 0:11:49.000 --> 0:11:51.280 be the fixer even when I met Rather in the beginning, 0:11:52.360 --> 0:11:56.120 and Rather you would often go to her mother or 0:11:56.120 --> 0:11:59.120 her sister for advice and inside before she'd come to me. 0:12:00.200 --> 0:12:03.000 That's how she was raised. She was always around those people, 0:12:04.160 --> 0:12:08.440 and my male ego was hurt by that because my 0:12:08.520 --> 0:12:10.920 male ego wanted to be the fixer, wanted to be 0:12:10.960 --> 0:12:13.520 the person she goes to with all her problems. But 0:12:13.600 --> 0:12:16.720 here's what I realized. When my ex girlfriend's people in 0:12:16.720 --> 0:12:20.040 the past had done that to me, I felt overwhelmed, 0:12:20.480 --> 0:12:23.800 used and drained, and I couldn't keep doing it. But 0:12:23.840 --> 0:12:28.000 my ego wanted it even though I couldn't handle it. 0:12:28.880 --> 0:12:34.960 Our ego is seeking that significance. But significance from being 0:12:35.000 --> 0:12:40.960 a fixer is not sustainable. It's not satisfying, it's not stable, 0:12:41.840 --> 0:12:46.400 it runs out quick. And so I started to realize 0:12:46.440 --> 0:12:49.079 that I should be happy that Rather goes to a 0:12:49.160 --> 0:12:50.840 mother for certain things, she goes to a sister for 0:12:50.880 --> 0:12:53.040 certain things, and then she comes to me for other things. 0:12:53.520 --> 0:12:58.239 When I removed my significance from trying to be everything 0:12:58.280 --> 0:13:01.120 to her and started to realize I could be a 0:13:01.160 --> 0:13:04.720 few things to her, and the few things were my strength. 0:13:05.040 --> 0:13:08.800 It was what I could offer. That significance stops you 0:13:08.840 --> 0:13:11.480 from being a fixer. A fixer believes they can fix 0:13:11.559 --> 0:13:13.800 everything for their partner. Oh I got your career, I'll 0:13:13.840 --> 0:13:16.440 introduce you. Oh you're having struggled with with your personal 0:13:16.480 --> 0:13:18.800 life with your parents, I'll be a therapist. Oh you're 0:13:18.800 --> 0:13:20.800 struggling with your health, I'll be your health and fitness coach. 0:13:20.880 --> 0:13:23.120 Or you're struggling with your diet, I'll be your health coach. 0:13:23.600 --> 0:13:26.040 The fixer wants to be everything for their partner because 0:13:26.040 --> 0:13:28.840 they get their significance from having the answer, and then 0:13:28.880 --> 0:13:33.679 when their partner doesn't change, when their partner struggles with 0:13:33.720 --> 0:13:41.199 that growth, the fixer feels disappointed. The fixer judges themselves. 0:13:42.320 --> 0:13:49.800 The fixer starts to feel unqualified. The fixer starts to 0:13:49.840 --> 0:13:54.320 think it's all their fault, and they feel bitter towards 0:13:54.720 --> 0:13:57.960 their partner because now they have the insecurity that they 0:13:58.000 --> 0:14:00.600 haven't been a good coach, and they take that out 0:14:00.600 --> 0:14:03.200 on their partner for not being a good student. What 0:14:03.280 --> 0:14:07.440 are we experiencing here? The challenges we end up creating 0:14:07.480 --> 0:14:11.600 a partner who becomes a student, a partner who becomes 0:14:11.600 --> 0:14:14.920 a child. How many people want to be treated like 0:14:14.960 --> 0:14:18.400 a child forever and ever and ever. Maybe you're like, yeah, actually, 0:14:18.440 --> 0:14:21.440 j people do, but not in a condescending way, not 0:14:21.560 --> 0:14:25.520 in a way that you feel you're reporting to an authority. 0:14:25.680 --> 0:14:30.040 So I really want you to reflect on where you've 0:14:30.040 --> 0:14:33.600 seen the fixed attendencies. And the first thing we do 0:14:33.680 --> 0:14:36.320 to give up our fixed attendencies or detach from that 0:14:37.040 --> 0:14:40.520 is first saying, Okay, what are the things I can 0:14:40.520 --> 0:14:43.160 support my partner with and what are the things I 0:14:43.200 --> 0:14:45.760 can't support them with? What are the things that I 0:14:45.800 --> 0:14:48.800 have skills in and abilities in where I want to 0:14:48.840 --> 0:14:52.000 support them, not fix them, and what are the things 0:14:52.040 --> 0:14:54.440 that I definitely can't help them with. That's the first thing. 0:14:55.040 --> 0:14:59.400 The second thing is to remove the fixed attendency is 0:14:59.440 --> 0:15:02.360 you want to help your partner get introduced and connected 0:15:02.400 --> 0:15:04.480 to other people they go to for guidance. The fixer 0:15:04.520 --> 0:15:08.200 wants to be the person the supporter wants to facilitate 0:15:08.840 --> 0:15:13.360 by introducing to other people. It's the facilitator that we 0:15:13.400 --> 0:15:19.200 want to become. And thirdly, the supporter mindset instead of 0:15:19.200 --> 0:15:26.800 being the fixer, comes when the fixer finally realizes that 0:15:27.680 --> 0:15:29.800 their partner has their own journey they want to go on. 0:15:30.720 --> 0:15:33.800 That you're not trying to take your partner on your journey. 0:15:33.920 --> 0:15:36.200 Your partner doesn't have to grow the way you grow. 0:15:36.920 --> 0:15:39.960 Your partner will grow the way they grow, and they 0:15:40.000 --> 0:15:42.520 give them space to guide their own journey and make 0:15:42.560 --> 0:15:47.120 their own decisions and choices. Isn't this so helpful? I 0:15:47.160 --> 0:15:50.440 hope all of you are sitting there right now taking 0:15:50.480 --> 0:15:54.240 a screenshot to share this part it along with someone 0:15:54.240 --> 0:15:59.080 who needs it, and also making notes because so many 0:15:59.120 --> 0:16:01.240 of us spend our whole lives being fixers. We all 0:16:01.280 --> 0:16:04.720 know a fixer, maybe a parent. Maybe you've seen your 0:16:04.720 --> 0:16:07.000 mom or dad be a fixer their whole lives and 0:16:07.040 --> 0:16:11.240 he hasn't got them anywhere. Maybe you see it in 0:16:11.320 --> 0:16:16.040 your best friends, so that's the fixer. The second is 0:16:16.080 --> 0:16:20.240 the fragile. So the fragile usually comes from being wounded 0:16:20.360 --> 0:16:22.960 or being carried. So maybe your parents did everything for 0:16:23.000 --> 0:16:28.000 you or them. Maybe you were hurt a lot, and 0:16:28.080 --> 0:16:31.320 now you've been mistreated by your family. So notice how 0:16:31.360 --> 0:16:33.880 can be opposite. Your family may have done everything for you, 0:16:33.920 --> 0:16:37.800 so your fragile or your family did nothing for you 0:16:37.840 --> 0:16:39.720 and that's why you're hurt and wounded and therefore have 0:16:39.760 --> 0:16:42.280 become fragile. Now, the word fragile is really interesting. The 0:16:42.320 --> 0:16:45.600 reason why you use fragile is because fragile doesn't mean 0:16:45.640 --> 0:16:49.680 something not beautiful. Sometimes the most beautiful things can be 0:16:49.760 --> 0:16:53.960 the most fragile. Sometimes the most talented people can be 0:16:54.000 --> 0:16:56.360 the most fragile. How many times if you open a 0:16:56.440 --> 0:16:59.320 box that says fragile, will you find something remarkable inside? 0:17:00.240 --> 0:17:03.360 So notice, fragile doesn't make you not remarkable. Fragile doesn't 0:17:03.360 --> 0:17:06.520 mean make you not amazing. Fragile means you could be 0:17:06.520 --> 0:17:10.720 as incredible and phenomenal as you are, but that you're wounded. 0:17:11.440 --> 0:17:16.280 You're hurt, and instead of trying to build the confidence yourself, 0:17:17.240 --> 0:17:20.440 you're expecting someone else to do it for you. This 0:17:20.520 --> 0:17:25.439 is the person that constantly seeks validation. This is the 0:17:25.520 --> 0:17:31.840 person that constantly seeks assurance, consistently doesn't find any joy 0:17:31.880 --> 0:17:34.520 in their own experience of their own company, but always 0:17:34.600 --> 0:17:39.040 needs the other person to do the work. And often 0:17:39.080 --> 0:17:41.359 this is comforting in the beginning, we feel we found 0:17:41.400 --> 0:17:45.479 the person. When we find a fixer, and the fixer 0:17:45.560 --> 0:17:49.800 that's exactly what we want. They embrace us they take 0:17:49.840 --> 0:17:52.840 care of our every need. They provide everything so we 0:17:52.880 --> 0:17:56.840 don't have to do it ourselves, and then they leave us. 0:17:57.680 --> 0:18:00.840 They leave us because they can't handle it, not realizing 0:18:00.880 --> 0:18:04.680 that was partly their responsibility too. But now we think 0:18:05.080 --> 0:18:07.680 I'm hurt again. Have to find someone else to take 0:18:07.720 --> 0:18:10.199 care of me. I have to find someone else to 0:18:10.280 --> 0:18:13.600 help me survive this. I must discover someone else who 0:18:13.640 --> 0:18:17.879 can do this better than this person. So you end 0:18:17.960 --> 0:18:22.600 up in a constant spiral of looking for someone to 0:18:22.640 --> 0:18:26.439 fix you. You feel broken and you want someone to 0:18:26.480 --> 0:18:29.399 stick the parts of you together, and you keep letting 0:18:29.440 --> 0:18:32.119 someone else stick the parts together, and then when they 0:18:32.200 --> 0:18:35.120 leave you, you keep letting them break your parts apart. 0:18:35.840 --> 0:18:40.119 You never learn to grow yourself. You never learn to 0:18:40.160 --> 0:18:43.919 take responsibility for your own happiness, your own joy, and 0:18:44.040 --> 0:18:47.520 your own success, and you always think it's someone else's 0:18:47.520 --> 0:18:50.560 fault that you haven't got to where you are. This 0:18:50.800 --> 0:18:54.880 is also familiar with the victim mindset. We believe that 0:18:55.280 --> 0:18:59.080 everything bad is happening to us and there's no way out. 0:19:00.160 --> 0:19:04.440 The fragile child mentality puts us in a very weak 0:19:04.480 --> 0:19:09.600 position because it stops us from taking responsibility for our 0:19:09.640 --> 0:19:13.040 own growth. It stops us from taking accountability for our 0:19:13.040 --> 0:19:20.280 own lives. It restricts us from taking charge. It's almost 0:19:20.280 --> 0:19:23.359 like saying, I never learned how to drive because people 0:19:23.400 --> 0:19:26.760 always drove me around, and now that I have to drive, 0:19:26.800 --> 0:19:30.240 I'm scared because I've never done it before. If you've 0:19:30.240 --> 0:19:33.800 always had someone drive your car for your life, the 0:19:33.880 --> 0:19:37.240 metaphorical car of life, then that's exactly how you'll feel 0:19:37.280 --> 0:19:40.760 when someone leaves you. So the antidote to the fragile 0:19:40.800 --> 0:19:44.840 mentality is saying, what are the wounds that I can 0:19:44.920 --> 0:19:48.520 learn to heal? Where have I been broken that I 0:19:48.520 --> 0:19:53.840 can create breakthroughs? Where have I experienced pain that I 0:19:53.880 --> 0:19:56.959 can learn to find my own answers. Let me not 0:19:57.040 --> 0:20:00.760 look for my solace and my healing in a another person. 0:20:01.400 --> 0:20:04.080 Let me find it in my own purpose. Let me 0:20:04.119 --> 0:20:07.159 find it in my own practices and rituals. Let me 0:20:07.200 --> 0:20:10.960 find it in my own passion. Let me not outsource 0:20:11.080 --> 0:20:15.840 my own joy. So the three steps to moving from 0:20:15.840 --> 0:20:19.159 the fragile to the supporter or the fragile to the facilitator. 0:20:20.160 --> 0:20:25.000 The first step is looking back and thinking, what are 0:20:25.000 --> 0:20:29.040 the areas of my life that I'm always seeking validation from? 0:20:30.160 --> 0:20:32.400 Where do they Where? Are those areas? Is my education, 0:20:32.480 --> 0:20:35.359 is my looks? And what am I going to do 0:20:35.440 --> 0:20:38.400 for myself in those areas to build my own confidence? 0:20:38.440 --> 0:20:41.199 Maybe I'm going to work out more, Maybe I'm going 0:20:41.240 --> 0:20:44.640 to eat healthier, Maybe I'm going to study harder. What 0:20:44.680 --> 0:20:47.840 am I going to do for myself to see myself 0:20:47.960 --> 0:20:50.879 that way? We all want everyone else to see us 0:20:50.920 --> 0:20:54.680 as attractive and smart and brilliant. What do I need 0:20:54.720 --> 0:20:59.480 to do to see myself as attractive, smart, and brilliant? Right? 0:21:00.560 --> 0:21:03.040 If you reorganize that, it's the ABS right. Everyone wants 0:21:03.080 --> 0:21:06.080 ABS want to be perceived as attractive. And I don't 0:21:06.119 --> 0:21:07.760 just mean physical. I mean we want to be attractive 0:21:07.800 --> 0:21:11.720 to others. We want to feel brilliant to others, and 0:21:12.760 --> 0:21:15.760 we want to feel smart to others. But how can 0:21:15.800 --> 0:21:19.119 I feel attractive, brilliant and smart to myself? What do 0:21:19.160 --> 0:21:20.520 I need to do? What do I need to learn? 0:21:20.600 --> 0:21:22.159 What are the skills that I need to invest in? 0:21:22.200 --> 0:21:26.560 What do I need to develop that helps me generate 0:21:26.640 --> 0:21:30.880 that confidence and validation within myself rather than waiting for 0:21:30.920 --> 0:21:33.200 everyone else in the world to validate me and assure 0:21:33.280 --> 0:21:38.520 me and set myself up to find another fixer. How 0:21:38.600 --> 0:21:41.639 can I grow So what ends up happening is the 0:21:41.680 --> 0:21:45.720 fragile finds the fixer. The fixer tries to help the 0:21:45.720 --> 0:21:48.000 fragile for a while. The fixer then runs out of 0:21:48.080 --> 0:21:52.200 energy and the fragile feels despondent. All what happens is 0:21:52.200 --> 0:21:56.600 a fixer meets a fixer. When a fixer meets a fixer, 0:21:57.440 --> 0:22:00.200 they both drive each other crazy because they both want 0:22:00.200 --> 0:22:02.680 to improve each other more and more and more. You're 0:22:02.680 --> 0:22:05.160 not working hard enough, you don't make enough money. Oh, 0:22:05.160 --> 0:22:06.760 well you need to improve this. No, well you need 0:22:06.800 --> 0:22:10.440 to improve that. Instead of fixing themselves and growing, they're 0:22:10.440 --> 0:22:13.800 trying to fix the other person. And in the third case, 0:22:13.880 --> 0:22:18.480 when the fragile meets the fragile, they both don't feel 0:22:18.480 --> 0:22:21.000 a sense of home because they're both looking to the other. 0:22:21.040 --> 0:22:23.560 But they're like, wait a minute, you're too anxious for me. 0:22:24.119 --> 0:22:26.439 Because they're insecure by dealing with their own anxiety, in 0:22:26.440 --> 0:22:29.520 their own stress, and their own pressure. When they meet 0:22:29.560 --> 0:22:31.920 someone else who has that same experience, they go, oh, 0:22:31.960 --> 0:22:33.760 I can't deal with this because now I've got two 0:22:33.760 --> 0:22:36.960 of this and we don't even realize that. They usually 0:22:36.960 --> 0:22:40.399 think I'm fine. That person's too anxious. So these are 0:22:40.440 --> 0:22:43.960 the scenarios we find ourselves in, and of course when 0:22:44.000 --> 0:22:47.200 we want to rise to the facilitator or the supporter. 0:22:48.160 --> 0:22:50.240 I've shared with you how to switch, but let's talk 0:22:50.280 --> 0:22:53.199 about that. The supporter realizes that they want to do 0:22:53.200 --> 0:22:56.440 everything they can to help, but it's not their responsibility. 0:22:56.840 --> 0:23:00.080 They want to facilitate and help grow and invest, but 0:23:00.080 --> 0:23:03.560 they don't judge themselves personally with the result. They're there 0:23:03.600 --> 0:23:06.960 for that person, but they're also there for themselves. Their 0:23:07.000 --> 0:23:10.680 purpose is their priority the person, and their purpose is 0:23:10.720 --> 0:23:14.320 their own priority. They prioritize their purpose and they remind 0:23:14.359 --> 0:23:17.840 the person to prioritize theirs. It's full of reminders and 0:23:17.960 --> 0:23:21.960