1 00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:02,000 Speaker 1: How many of you know that you're the fixer in 2 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,800 Speaker 1: your friend group. Just take a moment reflect on your 3 00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:07,280 Speaker 1: friend group, not without judging them, reflect an introspect and 4 00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:09,159 Speaker 1: think about it. Do all your friends come to you 5 00:00:09,160 --> 00:00:11,799 Speaker 1: for advice? Do all your friends come to you with 6 00:00:11,840 --> 00:00:14,040 Speaker 1: their problems? Are you the agony? Aren't? Are you the 7 00:00:14,040 --> 00:00:16,320 Speaker 1: person that they go to to solve all their issues? 8 00:00:16,360 --> 00:00:19,120 Speaker 1: There's nothing wrong with this, but you may be playing 9 00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:22,360 Speaker 1: the classic role of a fixer, not just in your 10 00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:32,839 Speaker 1: romantic relationships, but in your friendships and your family. Hey. Everyone, 11 00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:36,200 Speaker 1: welcome back to our Purpose, the number one health podcast 12 00:00:36,400 --> 00:00:39,800 Speaker 1: in the world. Thanks to each and every single one 13 00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:43,280 Speaker 1: of you that come back every week to listen, learn 14 00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:49,240 Speaker 1: and grow. We've been on an incredible journey together. Whether 15 00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:52,600 Speaker 1: you're walking your dog right now, whether you're listening while 16 00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:54,960 Speaker 1: you're driving as I see so many of you doing, 17 00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:57,720 Speaker 1: or whether you're cooking, or whether you're at the gym. 18 00:00:57,800 --> 00:01:00,880 Speaker 1: I just want to say a big thank you to 19 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:03,240 Speaker 1: each and every one of you for the love you 20 00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:07,200 Speaker 1: show on Purpose. It does not go unnoticed. As always, 21 00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:09,360 Speaker 1: I can't wait to have on Purpose events where we're 22 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:11,120 Speaker 1: going to be together. I get to hug you, I 23 00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:13,560 Speaker 1: get to do this live. It's all going to happen, 24 00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:15,960 Speaker 1: it's all coming, and I want to take a moment 25 00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:20,480 Speaker 1: to just honor our reviews that so many of you 26 00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:24,440 Speaker 1: so beautifully leave. And this one was from even May. 27 00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:28,119 Speaker 1: This is a daily listen for me and my twelve 28 00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:31,120 Speaker 1: year old son on the way to school. Thanks Jay 29 00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:34,280 Speaker 1: for your insights and wisdom from you and your guests. 30 00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:37,360 Speaker 1: I so deeply appreciate that. I love us sharing this 31 00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:41,639 Speaker 1: with the next generations as well. So this is from Morgan. 32 00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:45,240 Speaker 1: Can I give it ten stars? Please? I love that start. 33 00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:48,160 Speaker 1: That is so epic, Jay and On Purpose crew. This 34 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:50,559 Speaker 1: podcast has truly been a light to my life since 35 00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:53,640 Speaker 1: the very first one I listen to. I try every 36 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:56,480 Speaker 1: day to apply what I've learned here to my everyday living. 37 00:01:56,920 --> 00:01:59,560 Speaker 1: It always brings me joy and good vibes. Will forever 38 00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:02,960 Speaker 1: be a listener of On Purpose. Jay. I just want 39 00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:05,480 Speaker 1: you to know that I see you, I hear you, 40 00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:08,760 Speaker 1: and I appreciate you. Thank you for helping me improve 41 00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:13,240 Speaker 1: my mindfulness, self compassion, and growth. You and your teachings 42 00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:15,840 Speaker 1: are a blessing to this world. Looking forward to more 43 00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:20,760 Speaker 1: times spent listening to this podcast. Much love, Morgan, well, Morgan, 44 00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:24,720 Speaker 1: you've inspired something from me today. To everyone who's listening, 45 00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:28,960 Speaker 1: I see you, I hear you, and I appreciate you. 46 00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:33,960 Speaker 1: Thank you to Morgan for sharing that beautiful moment for us. 47 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:37,919 Speaker 1: This one is from Ashley. I related to this episode 48 00:02:37,919 --> 00:02:40,600 Speaker 1: on a much deeper level. My boyfriend and I are 49 00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:43,600 Speaker 1: having problems with being vulnerable with one another, and our 50 00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:47,640 Speaker 1: communication hasn't been the best lately. We work opposite schedules, 51 00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:49,760 Speaker 1: so we kind of fell into a rut of not 52 00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:52,919 Speaker 1: discussing what's really been bothering us. We're trying to work 53 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:55,919 Speaker 1: things out, and this just reminded me that listening first 54 00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:58,960 Speaker 1: before we've respond is so important. You always put things 55 00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:01,560 Speaker 1: into perspective. If you love someone, you don't throw the 56 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:04,240 Speaker 1: love away over a mistake. If you truly love them, 57 00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:06,680 Speaker 1: you work to forgive and understand where they're coming from. 58 00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:08,920 Speaker 1: We live in a day where love is synthetic and 59 00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:12,040 Speaker 1: not valued. Thank you for reminding listeners what it means 60 00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:14,840 Speaker 1: to cherish you a significant other and having a great 61 00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:18,639 Speaker 1: relationship takes work. Nothing comes easy. I appreciate you and 62 00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:23,679 Speaker 1: all the knowledge you share to help relationships work. And last, well, Ashley, 63 00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:27,880 Speaker 1: you are going to love today's episode because it's all 64 00:03:27,919 --> 00:03:32,240 Speaker 1: about the three role types that we play in a 65 00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:37,400 Speaker 1: relationship and what kind of relationships they lead to. Now, 66 00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:40,000 Speaker 1: whether you're in a relationship, whether you just broke up, 67 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:43,320 Speaker 1: whether you just started dating someone, or whether you're single 68 00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:46,480 Speaker 1: and you're just thinking back to the past, this episode 69 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:49,600 Speaker 1: is going to help you understand where things go wrong. 70 00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:53,480 Speaker 1: This episode is going to help you understand and select 71 00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:58,120 Speaker 1: your role type in a relationship and what that means. 72 00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:00,600 Speaker 1: So I'm going to ask you if you questions that 73 00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:02,880 Speaker 1: I want you to think about that is going to 74 00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:08,080 Speaker 1: help you decipher which role is the role you play. 75 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:11,880 Speaker 1: So for each of these questions, I want you to 76 00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:17,160 Speaker 1: give yourself a score out of ten. The first question 77 00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:24,560 Speaker 1: is do you find yourself to constantly be trying to solve, nurture, help, 78 00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:30,120 Speaker 1: or make the other person better? Are you involved in 79 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:34,800 Speaker 1: trying to improve, grow and make the other person better? 80 00:04:34,839 --> 00:04:36,960 Speaker 1: And are you trying to make it happen for them, 81 00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:41,120 Speaker 1: trying to carry them sometimes? Give that a score out 82 00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:44,400 Speaker 1: of ten. The next question is how many of you 83 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:48,320 Speaker 1: in a relationship feel that you rely on your partner 84 00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:50,919 Speaker 1: a lot. You go to them with your problems, you 85 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:52,520 Speaker 1: go to them with your complaints. You go to them 86 00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:56,120 Speaker 1: with all your issues and you expect them to be 87 00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:58,839 Speaker 1: able to find solutions for them. And you have to 88 00:04:58,839 --> 00:05:01,400 Speaker 1: be really honest with yourself as you answer these questions again, 89 00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:03,800 Speaker 1: zero to ten. Zero means I never do that, Ten 90 00:05:03,839 --> 00:05:05,840 Speaker 1: means I do that quite a lot. Where are you? 91 00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:08,800 Speaker 1: And the third and final question I want you to 92 00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:13,159 Speaker 1: reflect on is do I support my partner? Do I 93 00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:16,920 Speaker 1: value their dreams? Do I respect their time in space 94 00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:19,039 Speaker 1: and how they like to spend their time in space? 95 00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:21,360 Speaker 1: Or do I always want them to change it? Do 96 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:25,120 Speaker 1: I truly understand and acknowledge and recognize who they are 97 00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:27,520 Speaker 1: and what they're doing, or do I truly want them 98 00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:29,840 Speaker 1: to change inside? So where are you? Do you truly support? 99 00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:32,159 Speaker 1: Are you at a ten? Or are you at a 100 00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:33,960 Speaker 1: five because you're like I kind of do, but I 101 00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:36,039 Speaker 1: wish they'd do stuff differently? Or are you at zero? 102 00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:41,320 Speaker 1: So answer those all honestly, take a moment to reflect, 103 00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:45,440 Speaker 1: don't give yourself the easy way out. And now you'll 104 00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:47,839 Speaker 1: have three numbers all out of ten. So you either 105 00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:50,400 Speaker 1: have ten, ten, ten, zero, zero, zero, or any number 106 00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:54,440 Speaker 1: in between zero to ten for each answer the first 107 00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:59,080 Speaker 1: type or role that question. One alludes to is being 108 00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:03,800 Speaker 1: the fixer in relationships. This is the parent mentality. We 109 00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:07,320 Speaker 1: play the role of a parent. We're constantly trying to parent. 110 00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:11,040 Speaker 1: Mother and father are partners. We're trying to take care 111 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:13,800 Speaker 1: of their every needs. We're sensitive to everything they do, 112 00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:16,240 Speaker 1: and we really feel that we can fix them and 113 00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:17,880 Speaker 1: we can take care of them, and we have to 114 00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:21,400 Speaker 1: nurture them, and that's our responsibility. That their happiness is 115 00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:25,719 Speaker 1: our job, their happiness is our priority. If you rated 116 00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:28,560 Speaker 1: yourself as high, it means you have a high fixer 117 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:32,920 Speaker 1: in you. This mentality can be useful, but it can 118 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:36,520 Speaker 1: also go overboard. You start to parent mummy or daddy 119 00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:41,040 Speaker 1: your partner, which forces them into behaving like a child. 120 00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:46,040 Speaker 1: The second type is fragile. How many of you are 121 00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:50,200 Speaker 1: constantly dependent on, a reliant on your partner. Now, fragile 122 00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:52,640 Speaker 1: doesn't mean that you are fragile. Remember, you are not 123 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:56,720 Speaker 1: a fixer. You're not fragile. It's you're conditioning. It's the experiences, 124 00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:59,839 Speaker 1: the baggage that you've packed and gathered. Right, If you 125 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:02,040 Speaker 1: dirty clothes, it doesn't mean you're dirty, It means you 126 00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:05,880 Speaker 1: have dirty clothes. If your clothes don't fit anymore, it's 127 00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:09,200 Speaker 1: your clothes that don't fit anymore. So recognize that you 128 00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:11,760 Speaker 1: are not the fixer or you are not fragile, but 129 00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:13,960 Speaker 1: it is the experience you're going under. This is the 130 00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:16,960 Speaker 1: child mentality. You run to your partner for everything. You 131 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:18,920 Speaker 1: want them to fix you, You want them to figure 132 00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:22,480 Speaker 1: it all out, and often you can drain and overwhelm them. 133 00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:25,840 Speaker 1: So for those of you the fixer, you can almost 134 00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:29,320 Speaker 1: be overpowering and upset when the person isn't fixed. And 135 00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:32,440 Speaker 1: if you're the fragile one, you get upset when that 136 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:35,520 Speaker 1: partner can't fix your problems and can't solve everything for you. 137 00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:38,000 Speaker 1: Where were you on a scale of one to ten. 138 00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:40,440 Speaker 1: So again you left two numbers and you're able to 139 00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:43,239 Speaker 1: see where you are in each scale. And the third 140 00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:47,360 Speaker 1: one is this supporter the partner mentality. You're not a parent, 141 00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:50,520 Speaker 1: you're not a child, you're a partner. We're trying to 142 00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:54,000 Speaker 1: take responsibility. We're trying to develop patients. We're trying to 143 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:57,800 Speaker 1: help the other person grow, but we're not trying to micromanage. 144 00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:00,600 Speaker 1: We're not being a mother or father a parent. Again, 145 00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:04,840 Speaker 1: so these are the three key roles that we've played 146 00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:08,720 Speaker 1: in relationships. And I want you to think back to 147 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:13,040 Speaker 1: any of your past relationships for a moment and reflect 148 00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:15,320 Speaker 1: on which roles have you played. How many of you 149 00:08:15,360 --> 00:08:19,160 Speaker 1: have played the fixer? My hand is high up in 150 00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:22,200 Speaker 1: the sky. I have played the fixer. How many of 151 00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:26,240 Speaker 1: you have played the fragile? My hand is high up 152 00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:28,360 Speaker 1: in the sky. I have played the fragile? And how 153 00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:31,640 Speaker 1: many of you have played the supporter? Both my hands 154 00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:34,800 Speaker 1: are raised. I'm so happy to finally be there, to 155 00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:36,480 Speaker 1: stop trying to be a child and stop trying to 156 00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:40,640 Speaker 1: be a parent and starting to be a partner, starting 157 00:08:40,679 --> 00:08:45,360 Speaker 1: to be a supporter. Now, let's talk about that journey, 158 00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:47,839 Speaker 1: because a lot of the times, the reason why we 159 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:51,520 Speaker 1: end up as fixers of fragile is because of our parenting, 160 00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:55,600 Speaker 1: the style that we received, our previous experiences in relationships. 161 00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:58,200 Speaker 1: How many of you know that you're the fixer in 162 00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:01,280 Speaker 1: your friend group? Just take a moment reflect on your 163 00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:03,679 Speaker 1: friend group, not without judging them, reflect an introspect and 164 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:06,040 Speaker 1: think about it. Do all your friends come to you 165 00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:09,080 Speaker 1: for advice? Do all your friends come to you with 166 00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:11,280 Speaker 1: their problems? Are you the agony aunt? To you? The 167 00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:13,520 Speaker 1: person that they go to to solve all their issues? 168 00:09:13,559 --> 00:09:16,400 Speaker 1: There's nothing wrong with this, but you may be playing 169 00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:19,760 Speaker 1: the classic role of a fixer, not just in your 170 00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:24,280 Speaker 1: romantic relationships, but in your friendships and your family. How 171 00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:26,199 Speaker 1: many of you were the ones that kept the peace 172 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:29,960 Speaker 1: in your family so that no one else argued. Sometimes 173 00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,480 Speaker 1: you even silenced your own voice and opinion because you 174 00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:35,680 Speaker 1: thought it would disturb the peace. Think about this for 175 00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:37,640 Speaker 1: a moment. How many of us feel, Oh, yeah, I 176 00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:40,080 Speaker 1: was the peacekeeper in my family. We see that as 177 00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:42,680 Speaker 1: a positive, but actually what we were doing is trying 178 00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:46,000 Speaker 1: to fix something without listening to our own voice, without 179 00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:49,000 Speaker 1: listening to how we truly felt about it, without honoring 180 00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:52,880 Speaker 1: our own emotions and our own thoughts and our own ideas. 181 00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:57,200 Speaker 1: How many of you feel that when you're with someone, 182 00:09:57,240 --> 00:09:58,840 Speaker 1: you're constantly trying to be like, Oh, I wish they 183 00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:01,280 Speaker 1: had a better job, you know, I wish they just 184 00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:03,280 Speaker 1: dressed a bit better. You can't see trying to fix 185 00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:07,440 Speaker 1: the other person. And the problem with this is if 186 00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:11,720 Speaker 1: someone doesn't want to be fixed, you obviously push them away. 187 00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:15,520 Speaker 1: And if someone does want to be fixed, you are 188 00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:21,280 Speaker 1: increasing that child mentality, which means consistent dependence. And the 189 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:24,200 Speaker 1: interesting thing about fixes. All of us who've experienced it. 190 00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:27,160 Speaker 1: Me included is that there's only so long we want 191 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:30,640 Speaker 1: to be fixes for. At first, we get our significance 192 00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:35,319 Speaker 1: in a relationship from being a fixer. We get our enjoyment, 193 00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:37,840 Speaker 1: We get our confidence in a relationship from being a fixer. 194 00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:40,720 Speaker 1: We think, oh, yeah, this person needs me, this person 195 00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:43,120 Speaker 1: needs me, and I'm here for them, and that's how 196 00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:47,480 Speaker 1: I get my significance in the relationship. And slowly that 197 00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:57,040 Speaker 1: significance starts to fade away. That confidence, it starts to diminish. 198 00:10:57,200 --> 00:11:03,479 Speaker 1: We get drained by our own mindset. We get overwhelmed 199 00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:08,560 Speaker 1: by our own mindset. The fixer is good so long 200 00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:12,280 Speaker 1: as the fixer thinks that they're not a fixer. But 201 00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:14,960 Speaker 1: most of us realize we're just trying to fix something 202 00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:18,280 Speaker 1: that we don't have the right to fix, or we 203 00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:21,520 Speaker 1: don't even have the ability to fix, and it might 204 00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:24,960 Speaker 1: not even be broken. It's that person's journey, it's that 205 00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:28,600 Speaker 1: person's growth. When we start detaching from that, we start 206 00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:33,160 Speaker 1: realizing that person is on their journey. Happiness for themselves 207 00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:36,640 Speaker 1: is their job. Fulfillment is their journey. I can support 208 00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:41,680 Speaker 1: and facilitate, I can guide, I can introduce, but I 209 00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:45,120 Speaker 1: don't have to be the person, and a lot of 210 00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:48,959 Speaker 1: us struggle. I'll give you an example. I used to 211 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:51,280 Speaker 1: be the fixer even when I met Rather in the beginning, 212 00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:56,120 Speaker 1: and Rather you would often go to her mother or 213 00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:59,120 Speaker 1: her sister for advice and inside before she'd come to me. 214 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:03,000 Speaker 1: That's how she was raised. She was always around those people, 215 00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:08,440 Speaker 1: and my male ego was hurt by that because my 216 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:10,920 Speaker 1: male ego wanted to be the fixer, wanted to be 217 00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:13,520 Speaker 1: the person she goes to with all her problems. But 218 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:16,720 Speaker 1: here's what I realized. When my ex girlfriend's people in 219 00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:20,040 Speaker 1: the past had done that to me, I felt overwhelmed, 220 00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:23,800 Speaker 1: used and drained, and I couldn't keep doing it. But 221 00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:28,000 Speaker 1: my ego wanted it even though I couldn't handle it. 222 00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:34,960 Speaker 1: Our ego is seeking that significance. But significance from being 223 00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:40,960 Speaker 1: a fixer is not sustainable. It's not satisfying, it's not stable, 224 00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:46,400 Speaker 1: it runs out quick. And so I started to realize 225 00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:49,079 Speaker 1: that I should be happy that Rather goes to a 226 00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:50,840 Speaker 1: mother for certain things, she goes to a sister for 227 00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:53,040 Speaker 1: certain things, and then she comes to me for other things. 228 00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:58,239 Speaker 1: When I removed my significance from trying to be everything 229 00:12:58,280 --> 00:13:01,120 Speaker 1: to her and started to realize I could be a 230 00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:04,720 Speaker 1: few things to her, and the few things were my strength. 231 00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:08,800 Speaker 1: It was what I could offer. That significance stops you 232 00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:11,480 Speaker 1: from being a fixer. A fixer believes they can fix 233 00:13:11,559 --> 00:13:13,800 Speaker 1: everything for their partner. Oh I got your career, I'll 234 00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:16,440 Speaker 1: introduce you. Oh you're having struggled with with your personal 235 00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:18,800 Speaker 1: life with your parents, I'll be a therapist. Oh you're 236 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:20,800 Speaker 1: struggling with your health, I'll be your health and fitness coach. 237 00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:23,120 Speaker 1: Or you're struggling with your diet, I'll be your health coach. 238 00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:26,040 Speaker 1: The fixer wants to be everything for their partner because 239 00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:28,840 Speaker 1: they get their significance from having the answer, and then 240 00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:33,679 Speaker 1: when their partner doesn't change, when their partner struggles with 241 00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:41,199 Speaker 1: that growth, the fixer feels disappointed. The fixer judges themselves. 242 00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:49,800 Speaker 1: The fixer starts to feel unqualified. The fixer starts to 243 00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:54,320 Speaker 1: think it's all their fault, and they feel bitter towards 244 00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:57,960 Speaker 1: their partner because now they have the insecurity that they 245 00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:00,600 Speaker 1: haven't been a good coach, and they take that out 246 00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:03,200 Speaker 1: on their partner for not being a good student. What 247 00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:07,440 Speaker 1: are we experiencing here? The challenges we end up creating 248 00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:11,600 Speaker 1: a partner who becomes a student, a partner who becomes 249 00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:14,920 Speaker 1: a child. How many people want to be treated like 250 00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:18,400 Speaker 1: a child forever and ever and ever. Maybe you're like, yeah, actually, 251 00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:21,440 Speaker 1: j people do, but not in a condescending way, not 252 00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:25,520 Speaker 1: in a way that you feel you're reporting to an authority. 253 00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:30,040 Speaker 1: So I really want you to reflect on where you've 254 00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:33,600 Speaker 1: seen the fixed attendencies. And the first thing we do 255 00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:36,320 Speaker 1: to give up our fixed attendencies or detach from that 256 00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:40,520 Speaker 1: is first saying, Okay, what are the things I can 257 00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:43,160 Speaker 1: support my partner with and what are the things I 258 00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:45,760 Speaker 1: can't support them with? What are the things that I 259 00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:48,800 Speaker 1: have skills in and abilities in where I want to 260 00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:52,000 Speaker 1: support them, not fix them, and what are the things 261 00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:54,440 Speaker 1: that I definitely can't help them with. That's the first thing. 262 00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:59,400 Speaker 1: The second thing is to remove the fixed attendency is 263 00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:02,360 Speaker 1: you want to help your partner get introduced and connected 264 00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:04,480 Speaker 1: to other people they go to for guidance. The fixer 265 00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:08,200 Speaker 1: wants to be the person the supporter wants to facilitate 266 00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:13,360 Speaker 1: by introducing to other people. It's the facilitator that we 267 00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:19,200 Speaker 1: want to become. And thirdly, the supporter mindset instead of 268 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:26,800 Speaker 1: being the fixer, comes when the fixer finally realizes that 269 00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:29,800 Speaker 1: their partner has their own journey they want to go on. 270 00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:33,800 Speaker 1: That you're not trying to take your partner on your journey. 271 00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:36,200 Speaker 1: Your partner doesn't have to grow the way you grow. 272 00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:39,960 Speaker 1: Your partner will grow the way they grow, and they 273 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,520 Speaker 1: give them space to guide their own journey and make 274 00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:47,120 Speaker 1: their own decisions and choices. Isn't this so helpful? I 275 00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:50,440 Speaker 1: hope all of you are sitting there right now taking 276 00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:54,240 Speaker 1: a screenshot to share this part it along with someone 277 00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:59,080 Speaker 1: who needs it, and also making notes because so many 278 00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:01,240 Speaker 1: of us spend our whole lives being fixers. We all 279 00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:04,720 Speaker 1: know a fixer, maybe a parent. Maybe you've seen your 280 00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:07,000 Speaker 1: mom or dad be a fixer their whole lives and 281 00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:11,240 Speaker 1: he hasn't got them anywhere. Maybe you see it in 282 00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:16,040 Speaker 1: your best friends, so that's the fixer. The second is 283 00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:20,240 Speaker 1: the fragile. So the fragile usually comes from being wounded 284 00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:22,960 Speaker 1: or being carried. So maybe your parents did everything for 285 00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:28,000 Speaker 1: you or them. Maybe you were hurt a lot, and 286 00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:31,320 Speaker 1: now you've been mistreated by your family. So notice how 287 00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:33,880 Speaker 1: can be opposite. Your family may have done everything for you, 288 00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:37,800 Speaker 1: so your fragile or your family did nothing for you 289 00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:39,720 Speaker 1: and that's why you're hurt and wounded and therefore have 290 00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:42,280 Speaker 1: become fragile. Now, the word fragile is really interesting. The 291 00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:45,600 Speaker 1: reason why you use fragile is because fragile doesn't mean 292 00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:49,680 Speaker 1: something not beautiful. Sometimes the most beautiful things can be 293 00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:53,960 Speaker 1: the most fragile. Sometimes the most talented people can be 294 00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:56,360 Speaker 1: the most fragile. How many times if you open a 295 00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:59,320 Speaker 1: box that says fragile, will you find something remarkable inside? 296 00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:03,360 Speaker 1: So notice, fragile doesn't make you not remarkable. Fragile doesn't 297 00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:06,520 Speaker 1: mean make you not amazing. Fragile means you could be 298 00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:10,720 Speaker 1: as incredible and phenomenal as you are, but that you're wounded. 299 00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:16,280 Speaker 1: You're hurt, and instead of trying to build the confidence yourself, 300 00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:20,440 Speaker 1: you're expecting someone else to do it for you. This 301 00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:25,439 Speaker 1: is the person that constantly seeks validation. This is the 302 00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:31,840 Speaker 1: person that constantly seeks assurance, consistently doesn't find any joy 303 00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:34,520 Speaker 1: in their own experience of their own company, but always 304 00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:39,040 Speaker 1: needs the other person to do the work. And often 305 00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:41,359 Speaker 1: this is comforting in the beginning, we feel we found 306 00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:45,479 Speaker 1: the person. When we find a fixer, and the fixer 307 00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:49,800 Speaker 1: that's exactly what we want. They embrace us they take 308 00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:52,840 Speaker 1: care of our every need. They provide everything so we 309 00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:56,840 Speaker 1: don't have to do it ourselves, and then they leave us. 310 00:17:57,680 --> 00:18:00,840 Speaker 1: They leave us because they can't handle it, not realizing 311 00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:04,680 Speaker 1: that was partly their responsibility too. But now we think 312 00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:07,680 Speaker 1: I'm hurt again. Have to find someone else to take 313 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:10,199 Speaker 1: care of me. I have to find someone else to 314 00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:13,600 Speaker 1: help me survive this. I must discover someone else who 315 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:17,879 Speaker 1: can do this better than this person. So you end 316 00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:22,600 Speaker 1: up in a constant spiral of looking for someone to 317 00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:26,439 Speaker 1: fix you. You feel broken and you want someone to 318 00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:29,399 Speaker 1: stick the parts of you together, and you keep letting 319 00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:32,119 Speaker 1: someone else stick the parts together, and then when they 320 00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:35,120 Speaker 1: leave you, you keep letting them break your parts apart. 321 00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:40,119 Speaker 1: You never learn to grow yourself. You never learn to 322 00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:43,919 Speaker 1: take responsibility for your own happiness, your own joy, and 323 00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:47,520 Speaker 1: your own success, and you always think it's someone else's 324 00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:50,560 Speaker 1: fault that you haven't got to where you are. This 325 00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:54,880 Speaker 1: is also familiar with the victim mindset. We believe that 326 00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:59,080 Speaker 1: everything bad is happening to us and there's no way out. 327 00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:04,440 Speaker 1: The fragile child mentality puts us in a very weak 328 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:09,600 Speaker 1: position because it stops us from taking responsibility for our 329 00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:13,040 Speaker 1: own growth. It stops us from taking accountability for our 330 00:19:13,040 --> 00:19:20,280 Speaker 1: own lives. It restricts us from taking charge. It's almost 331 00:19:20,280 --> 00:19:23,359 Speaker 1: like saying, I never learned how to drive because people 332 00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:26,760 Speaker 1: always drove me around, and now that I have to drive, 333 00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:30,240 Speaker 1: I'm scared because I've never done it before. If you've 334 00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:33,800 Speaker 1: always had someone drive your car for your life, the 335 00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:37,240 Speaker 1: metaphorical car of life, then that's exactly how you'll feel 336 00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:40,760 Speaker 1: when someone leaves you. So the antidote to the fragile 337 00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:44,840 Speaker 1: mentality is saying, what are the wounds that I can 338 00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:48,520 Speaker 1: learn to heal? Where have I been broken that I 339 00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:53,840 Speaker 1: can create breakthroughs? Where have I experienced pain that I 340 00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:56,959 Speaker 1: can learn to find my own answers. Let me not 341 00:19:57,040 --> 00:20:00,760 Speaker 1: look for my solace and my healing in a another person. 342 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:04,080 Speaker 1: Let me find it in my own purpose. Let me 343 00:20:04,119 --> 00:20:07,159 Speaker 1: find it in my own practices and rituals. Let me 344 00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:10,960 Speaker 1: find it in my own passion. Let me not outsource 345 00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:15,840 Speaker 1: my own joy. So the three steps to moving from 346 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:19,159 Speaker 1: the fragile to the supporter or the fragile to the facilitator. 347 00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:25,000 Speaker 1: The first step is looking back and thinking, what are 348 00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:29,040 Speaker 1: the areas of my life that I'm always seeking validation from? 349 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:32,400 Speaker 1: Where do they Where? Are those areas? Is my education, 350 00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:35,359 Speaker 1: is my looks? And what am I going to do 351 00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:38,400 Speaker 1: for myself in those areas to build my own confidence? 352 00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:41,199 Speaker 1: Maybe I'm going to work out more, Maybe I'm going 353 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:44,640 Speaker 1: to eat healthier, Maybe I'm going to study harder. What 354 00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:47,840 Speaker 1: am I going to do for myself to see myself 355 00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:50,879 Speaker 1: that way? We all want everyone else to see us 356 00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:54,680 Speaker 1: as attractive and smart and brilliant. What do I need 357 00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:59,480 Speaker 1: to do to see myself as attractive, smart, and brilliant? Right? 358 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:03,040 Speaker 1: If you reorganize that, it's the ABS right. Everyone wants 359 00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:06,080 Speaker 1: ABS want to be perceived as attractive. And I don't 360 00:21:06,119 --> 00:21:07,760 Speaker 1: just mean physical. I mean we want to be attractive 361 00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:11,720 Speaker 1: to others. We want to feel brilliant to others, and 362 00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:15,760 Speaker 1: we want to feel smart to others. But how can 363 00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:19,119 Speaker 1: I feel attractive, brilliant and smart to myself? What do 364 00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:20,520 Speaker 1: I need to do? What do I need to learn? 365 00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:22,159 Speaker 1: What are the skills that I need to invest in? 366 00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:26,560 Speaker 1: What do I need to develop that helps me generate 367 00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:30,880 Speaker 1: that confidence and validation within myself rather than waiting for 368 00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:33,200 Speaker 1: everyone else in the world to validate me and assure 369 00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:38,520 Speaker 1: me and set myself up to find another fixer. How 370 00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:41,639 Speaker 1: can I grow So what ends up happening is the 371 00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:45,720 Speaker 1: fragile finds the fixer. The fixer tries to help the 372 00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:48,000 Speaker 1: fragile for a while. The fixer then runs out of 373 00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:52,200 Speaker 1: energy and the fragile feels despondent. All what happens is 374 00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:56,600 Speaker 1: a fixer meets a fixer. When a fixer meets a fixer, 375 00:21:57,440 --> 00:22:00,200 Speaker 1: they both drive each other crazy because they both want 376 00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:02,680 Speaker 1: to improve each other more and more and more. You're 377 00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:05,160 Speaker 1: not working hard enough, you don't make enough money. Oh, 378 00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:06,760 Speaker 1: well you need to improve this. No, well you need 379 00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:10,440 Speaker 1: to improve that. Instead of fixing themselves and growing, they're 380 00:22:10,440 --> 00:22:13,800 Speaker 1: trying to fix the other person. And in the third case, 381 00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:18,480 Speaker 1: when the fragile meets the fragile, they both don't feel 382 00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:21,000 Speaker 1: a sense of home because they're both looking to the other. 383 00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:23,560 Speaker 1: But they're like, wait a minute, you're too anxious for me. 384 00:22:24,119 --> 00:22:26,439 Speaker 1: Because they're insecure by dealing with their own anxiety, in 385 00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:29,520 Speaker 1: their own stress, and their own pressure. When they meet 386 00:22:29,560 --> 00:22:31,920 Speaker 1: someone else who has that same experience, they go, oh, 387 00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:33,760 Speaker 1: I can't deal with this because now I've got two 388 00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:36,960 Speaker 1: of this and we don't even realize that. They usually 389 00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:40,399 Speaker 1: think I'm fine. That person's too anxious. So these are 390 00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:43,960 Speaker 1: the scenarios we find ourselves in, and of course when 391 00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:47,200 Speaker 1: we want to rise to the facilitator or the supporter. 392 00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:50,240 Speaker 1: I've shared with you how to switch, but let's talk 393 00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:53,199 Speaker 1: about that. The supporter realizes that they want to do 394 00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:56,440 Speaker 1: everything they can to help, but it's not their responsibility. 395 00:22:56,840 --> 00:23:00,080 Speaker 1: They want to facilitate and help grow and invest, but 396 00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:03,560 Speaker 1: they don't judge themselves personally with the result. They're there 397 00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:06,960 Speaker 1: for that person, but they're also there for themselves. Their 398 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:10,680 Speaker 1: purpose is their priority the person, and their purpose is 399 00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:14,320 Speaker 1: their own priority. They prioritize their purpose and they remind 400 00:23:14,359 --> 00:23:17,840 Speaker 1: the person to prioritize theirs. It's full of reminders and 401 00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:21,960 Speaker 1: cues and noticing rather than doing it for the other person. 402 00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:24,720 Speaker 1: Telling your partner, hey, I just want to make sure 403 00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:27,840 Speaker 1: did you get a workout in today. That's different than 404 00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:29,960 Speaker 1: being the person who leads the workouts and stops doing 405 00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:34,879 Speaker 1: your own life. A partner and supporter first is stable 406 00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:40,320 Speaker 1: themselves and then uses that stability to help the other person. 407 00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:44,959 Speaker 1: The difference between the supporter and the fixer is the 408 00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:49,040 Speaker 1: fixer thinks they can solve everything. The supporter acknowledges what 409 00:23:49,119 --> 00:23:51,959 Speaker 1: they can help with and what they can't what they 410 00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:56,520 Speaker 1: can facilitate and what they can't. The fixer obsessives over 411 00:23:56,680 --> 00:24:01,280 Speaker 1: all of their partner's flaws. The sup porter is patient 412 00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:04,720 Speaker 1: as they find their own feet and find their own 413 00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:09,720 Speaker 1: growth as their partner discovers their own path. The supporter 414 00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:12,480 Speaker 1: is what we all want to head towards what we 415 00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:17,080 Speaker 1: want to grow into and understand better. A partner in 416 00:24:17,119 --> 00:24:21,679 Speaker 1: a relationship communicates as an equal. When we take on 417 00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:25,760 Speaker 1: parental communication, our partners talk to us like children. When 418 00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:28,360 Speaker 1: we take on childlike communication, when we act like children, 419 00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:34,760 Speaker 1: our partners become parents. Partners communicate with equality. They communicate 420 00:24:34,800 --> 00:24:40,760 Speaker 1: with responsibility. They communicate as a team, not as a 421 00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:46,520 Speaker 1: coach and a student. They communicate as a team. Your 422 00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:50,359 Speaker 1: partner is always teaching you, but you're always teaching them. 423 00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:54,520 Speaker 1: And when you both understand you're both teaching and learning 424 00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:58,040 Speaker 1: at the same time, that's when you create a partnership. 425 00:24:59,480 --> 00:25:02,120 Speaker 1: I really we hope that this podcast was helpful today. 426 00:25:02,560 --> 00:25:04,560 Speaker 1: I really hope it makes you make sense of some 427 00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:08,280 Speaker 1: of the interactions this week. Trying to elevate your interactions 428 00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:11,919 Speaker 1: to support her and facilitator. Every time you see yourself 429 00:25:11,960 --> 00:25:15,160 Speaker 1: being fragile or the fixer rise to be the supporter 430 00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:19,440 Speaker 1: and the facilitator and notice how your relationship changes. Thank 431 00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:21,680 Speaker 1: you so much for listening on purpose. I hope you'll 432 00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:23,960 Speaker 1: leave a review if this had an impact on you. 433 00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:26,720 Speaker 1: I'm so grateful that we got to spend this time 434 00:25:26,720 --> 00:25:29,760 Speaker 1: together and I can't wait for the next week's episodes. 435 00:25:30,119 --> 00:25:30,880 Speaker 1: Thank you so much.