WEBVTT - Alan Cumming 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:01.520 I got a call in the post office from my 0:00:01.560 --> 0:00:03.480 agent in London, going, I want to see you for 0:00:03.520 --> 0:00:05.960 a Bond film. Oh my god. And I was like, oh, 0:00:06.000 --> 0:00:07.960 I'm going to be a Bond girl. And she was like, no, 0:00:08.160 --> 0:00:11.479 you don't suck anyone and you don't kill anyone. He 0:00:11.720 --> 0:00:14.200 just sing a country in western song. I was like, great, 0:00:14.200 --> 0:00:16.239 I'm in, I'm in. And then you were in gold 0:00:16.280 --> 0:00:19.119 and I too, that's right. Actually, my god, look what 0:00:19.160 --> 0:00:23.239 I've got next to me. Here machine, You're on it. 0:00:23.520 --> 0:00:27.240 You're on it. I take you, you bastard. I've seen 0:00:27.280 --> 0:00:30.360 one of these. I'm on the fucking pinball machine in it. 0:00:31.520 --> 0:00:40.120 There you are, Oh my god, on the I'm underneath you. Okay, Alan, 0:00:40.200 --> 0:00:42.279 I can't even believe it. I can't believe that you 0:00:42.320 --> 0:00:44.159 have the pimball to do. The Other thing about that 0:00:44.159 --> 0:00:46.440 film is that it's a video game. I didn't know 0:00:46.440 --> 0:00:49.280 about that until years later. And I had an assistance 0:00:49.400 --> 0:00:51.520 called Landing at the time, and who I said, Landon, 0:00:51.560 --> 0:00:53.479 I'm in a video game. He was like, yeah, I know. 0:00:53.960 --> 0:00:55.440 If you pissed me off, I go home and shoot 0:00:55.440 --> 0:01:04.760 you in the balls. Hello, I'm Mini Driver and welcome 0:01:04.840 --> 0:01:08.920 to many questions I've always loved prus questionnaire. It was 0:01:08.959 --> 0:01:11.800 originally an eighteenth century parlor game meant to reveal an 0:01:11.840 --> 0:01:16.000 individual's true nature. But with so many questions, there wasn't 0:01:16.000 --> 0:01:18.880 really an opportunity to expand on anything. So I took 0:01:18.920 --> 0:01:22.160 the format of Pruce's questionnaire and adapted What I think 0:01:22.240 --> 0:01:24.760 are seven of the most important questions you could ever 0:01:24.800 --> 0:01:29.000 ask someone. They are when and where were you happiest? 0:01:30.240 --> 0:01:34.800 What is the quality you like least about yourself? What relationship, 0:01:35.040 --> 0:01:39.559 real or fictionalized, defines love for you? What question would 0:01:39.560 --> 0:01:44.399 you most like answered, What person, place, or experience has 0:01:44.440 --> 0:01:48.160 shaped you the most? What would be your last meal? 0:01:49.680 --> 0:01:52.200 And can you tell me something in your life that 0:01:52.280 --> 0:01:56.000 has grown out of a personal disaster. The more people 0:01:56.040 --> 0:01:58.800 we ask, the more we begin to see what makes 0:01:58.880 --> 0:02:03.120 us similar and what makes us individual. I've gathered a 0:02:03.120 --> 0:02:05.760 group of really remarkable people who I am honored and 0:02:05.880 --> 0:02:08.920 humbled to have had a chance to engage with. My 0:02:08.960 --> 0:02:12.760 guest today is Alan Coming. He is an actor in 0:02:12.880 --> 0:02:15.280 movies like X Men and in the TV show The 0:02:15.280 --> 0:02:18.239 Good Wife. He is an author, He has an O 0:02:18.360 --> 0:02:22.280 b E, and he has a podcaster. He's also an articulate, 0:02:22.360 --> 0:02:26.280 powerful voice in and for the LGBTQ community, and he's 0:02:26.320 --> 0:02:29.400 been my friend for thirty years. We made the short 0:02:29.400 --> 0:02:33.000 film together called That Sunday in the early nineties. It's 0:02:33.040 --> 0:02:34.960 worth having a dig and finding it if you can, 0:02:35.600 --> 0:02:39.400 along with the film Circle of Friends and then Gold 0:02:39.440 --> 0:02:42.679 and I. I had a hard time not constantly interrupting 0:02:42.680 --> 0:02:46.880 and finishing his sentences in this interview, largely because my 0:02:46.919 --> 0:02:49.440 brain likes to go down the same pathways as Alan's, 0:02:49.680 --> 0:02:52.960 which is to say, off the main road and deep 0:02:53.160 --> 0:02:57.720 into glorious woodland. He is a deep and generous soul 0:02:58.320 --> 0:03:00.320 and has a way of sharing the painful parts of 0:03:00.360 --> 0:03:10.919 his past with great compassion and great humor. What relationship, 0:03:11.480 --> 0:03:16.560 real or fictionalized, defines love for you? Well? Is it 0:03:16.680 --> 0:03:21.560 you and me encircle or friends? What did they call you? Again? Yea? 0:03:22.200 --> 0:03:24.200 What did it you call me? I can remember holder, 0:03:24.320 --> 0:03:27.280 I can see it, remember, says in a bit of 0:03:27.320 --> 0:03:31.920 the Succulent Bird. But that wasn't about talking about the chicken. 0:03:32.000 --> 0:03:33.320 What do you think? As I was loading? But at 0:03:33.320 --> 0:03:35.440 the end, I say something awful to you. He called 0:03:35.480 --> 0:03:38.360 me something bit and I can't rememberd it? Yeah? Yeah, 0:03:38.520 --> 0:03:42.560 But back to love, unconditional love. I think with Grant Schaeffer, 0:03:42.880 --> 0:03:45.480 my husband upstairs, not that I've got another one downstairs, 0:03:45.480 --> 0:03:46.880 but you know what I mean, I was going to say, 0:03:47.080 --> 0:03:49.880 show me the one on the basement. I feel I've 0:03:49.880 --> 0:03:52.200 reached a point with him after so long where it's 0:03:52.320 --> 0:03:54.520 you know, it pisces me off. But I just feel 0:03:54.520 --> 0:03:58.680 this completely solid, true thing that I just can't imagine 0:03:58.800 --> 0:04:01.720 we can get over anything. Does that define love for you, 0:04:01.840 --> 0:04:07.200 that notion of solid unconditional love, unconditional love it, yes, 0:04:07.280 --> 0:04:09.240 I think, yeah, because I have no matter what happens, 0:04:09.440 --> 0:04:12.880 I'm going to have this love right, no matter the circumstances, 0:04:12.920 --> 0:04:17.240 the vagaries of the circumstance in life exactly. But then, actually, 0:04:17.240 --> 0:04:19.040 what I would say is more unconditional love is my 0:04:19.160 --> 0:04:21.960 relationship with dogs. So I've got La Lah and Jerry upstairs, 0:04:21.960 --> 0:04:24.200 and I'm very attached to La La, and prottached them both. 0:04:24.240 --> 0:04:25.479 But you know, I think I'm more of a special 0:04:25.880 --> 0:04:28.320 relationship with La La. And I had my dog Honey 0:04:28.360 --> 0:04:30.800 before that. There's a sort of statue of her over 0:04:30.839 --> 0:04:34.400 there on a little deck. Who was my longest adult relationship. 0:04:34.440 --> 0:04:36.839 I mean, like Grant has now superseded her, but she 0:04:37.000 --> 0:04:40.320 was the longest relationship I had through thick and thin, 0:04:40.680 --> 0:04:44.440 terrible things in my life. That was a true, unconditional love. 0:04:44.640 --> 0:04:46.160 And I talked about her all the time. Actually she's 0:04:46.240 --> 0:04:48.080 she's sort of very pleasant in our life. And then 0:04:48.080 --> 0:04:50.160 she's in the portrait of me at the Scottish National 0:04:50.160 --> 0:04:52.760 Portrait Girl that is she's referenced the one that replaced 0:04:52.800 --> 0:04:57.080 the queen. Yes, and replaced the queen. I love that 0:04:57.120 --> 0:05:00.200 your portrait replaced the queen. They brought the queen. Let 0:05:00.200 --> 0:05:02.760 the queen was blanket over there, taken into somebody, put 0:05:02.800 --> 0:05:05.200 the queen down and they put another clean up in 0:05:05.279 --> 0:05:08.159 set your queen jokes here. They moved me around the 0:05:08.240 --> 0:05:10.080 last time. I think I was in between Tilda Swinton 0:05:10.080 --> 0:05:12.520 and Nanny Lennox. So that's a nice sandwich. Oh my god, 0:05:12.600 --> 0:05:15.760 that's the best sandwich ever. But but Honey's in that portrait. 0:05:16.040 --> 0:05:19.200 But she's yes, because she died just before I got 0:05:19.200 --> 0:05:21.440 painted and the guy was asking me about things. So 0:05:21.480 --> 0:05:24.240 there's a little jar beside me and it says honey 0:05:24.360 --> 0:05:27.920 on it in a picture. Oh my god, it's ashes. No, No, 0:05:27.960 --> 0:05:29.680 it's just a jar. I just put it into the picture. 0:05:31.520 --> 0:05:33.800 Ashes are upstair. I was gonna say, was it her 0:05:33.839 --> 0:05:36.160 ashes that just said honey? No, actually was a jar 0:05:36.200 --> 0:05:38.440 of honey. Yes, it's the jar Fanny, but it says 0:05:38.440 --> 0:05:40.400 honey on it, and then it says yes, yes, yes, 0:05:40.400 --> 0:05:42.600 Because I was really sad about this Scotch independence thing 0:05:42.600 --> 0:05:45.400 had gone the wrong way. What was hilarious was I'm 0:05:45.400 --> 0:05:48.560 wearing this kilt around my neck in the portrait and 0:05:48.600 --> 0:05:50.760 it was unveiled at the Scott's National Portragarity in the 0:05:50.800 --> 0:05:52.839 big main place to take the queen down, you know, 0:05:53.160 --> 0:05:55.720 and it's all posh and everyone's having drinks and this 0:05:56.000 --> 0:05:58.400 film true because they're filming it for that sky Portrait 0:05:58.480 --> 0:06:00.640 Artist of the Year thing, and that say a few words. 0:06:00.640 --> 0:06:02.680 I said, Oh, it's so exciting because this tartan the 0:06:02.800 --> 0:06:05.279 killed him wearing. It's the official tartan of the Yes 0:06:05.320 --> 0:06:07.719 campaign for independence and never it was all this clinking 0:06:07.760 --> 0:06:11.880 of glasses of the of the old unionists in the room, 0:06:12.160 --> 0:06:13.760 and it was such such a great thing for me, 0:06:13.839 --> 0:06:16.039 like to know that in that painting ways will be 0:06:16.080 --> 0:06:19.080 there forever. Not only is little honey reference, but this 0:06:19.360 --> 0:06:22.440 subversive little message that I managed to get in. But yes, 0:06:22.520 --> 0:06:24.680 when I realized she was going to die, before me. 0:06:24.720 --> 0:06:26.760 I remember just thinking, what honey's in my life. She's 0:06:26.760 --> 0:06:30.520 my sort of girlfriend. And I just remember when someone 0:06:30.560 --> 0:06:32.479 sort of said some of the reference about her dying 0:06:32.520 --> 0:06:34.160 and I thought, oh my god, she's a dog. Yes, 0:06:34.200 --> 0:06:37.240 she dogs die before you. She's going to die, and 0:06:37.240 --> 0:06:39.240 it's such a weird thinks. I so thought of her 0:06:39.360 --> 0:06:42.880 as like a human relationship. How much sort of time 0:06:42.960 --> 0:06:44.640 I took to think about her and the way she 0:06:44.760 --> 0:06:46.680 featured in my life and the decisions had to make 0:06:46.720 --> 0:06:48.920 because of her. It was very much like having an 0:06:48.920 --> 0:06:52.880 actual person. I totally understand that you've got to what's 0:06:52.920 --> 0:06:55.080 his name down on you look at your feet. Okay, 0:06:55.120 --> 0:06:59.320 well Bob. Bob's a difficult soul and I have closes this. 0:06:59.400 --> 0:07:01.559 He's not listening. He's a bit deaf. Anyway, the true 0:07:01.600 --> 0:07:04.880 great love of my life was my labrador Bubba, who 0:07:05.000 --> 0:07:08.800 had for seventeen years, who died in my arms, and 0:07:08.920 --> 0:07:13.200 he was the greatest precursor to having a child, particularly 0:07:13.280 --> 0:07:16.200 having a son. And there's a lot of similarities, like 0:07:16.240 --> 0:07:18.240 if anyone wants to have a road test having a 0:07:18.320 --> 0:07:22.200 baby boy, get a labrador. Right. They just want to 0:07:22.240 --> 0:07:26.080 be loved, functus, They want to eat, They jump around 0:07:26.120 --> 0:07:29.200 a lot and need exercise, and you need to go 0:07:29.200 --> 0:07:32.360 to sleep when they do. That's it, right, it's the 0:07:32.400 --> 0:07:35.000 same practocol. I always think people should have a dog 0:07:35.040 --> 0:07:38.920 first when they're thinking about Remember Rachel Vice, we were chatting. 0:07:38.960 --> 0:07:40.840 She said to Grant, do you have children? You went, well, 0:07:40.840 --> 0:07:42.680 we have two dogs and Bubba, and they're the conversation 0:07:42.720 --> 0:07:45.360 about dogs for a bit, and then he said to 0:07:45.560 --> 0:07:48.920 about you. Rachel went, well, I have a human child. 0:07:53.440 --> 0:07:55.920 I don't bless you if I entertaining these two old 0:07:55.960 --> 0:07:58.320 queers who are just talking about their dogs, and you 0:07:58.320 --> 0:08:00.440 have to remind us that your child, as they humans, 0:08:00.760 --> 0:08:04.400 very very respectful to qualify that it was a human child, 0:08:04.440 --> 0:08:07.360 so as to not denigrate your fur babies. Yeah, I 0:08:07.400 --> 0:08:10.320 hate fur babies though. I hate that way. I hate it. 0:08:10.320 --> 0:08:14.040 It's like it's hashtag blessed lives in the same space. 0:08:15.080 --> 0:08:17.400 And also like when the Honey died and people said, oh, 0:08:17.400 --> 0:08:20.880 they'll meet them at the Rainbow No they fucking want Yeah, 0:08:21.600 --> 0:08:25.400 I want to dynamite that ship. I hate that me too, 0:08:26.000 --> 0:08:28.600 it snow Rainbow Bridge. I do sometimes see Bubba when 0:08:28.600 --> 0:08:31.040 I'm in a soul cycle class, though, like he's running 0:08:31.080 --> 0:08:34.560 beside me on the stationary bike. It's really weird. Wow, 0:08:35.679 --> 0:08:39.040 a sort of fever of sweat, and so it feels 0:08:39.080 --> 0:08:42.720 exactly cultish. It's totally cultish. It's amazing, and I can 0:08:42.760 --> 0:08:45.560 imagine you're getting into a reverie. It's like it's like 0:08:45.640 --> 0:08:49.760 being in a really sweaty cult with their motivational speaker 0:08:50.480 --> 0:08:52.920 at the helm of this ship. And I think you 0:08:53.000 --> 0:08:55.600 do go into a bit of a trance and then 0:08:55.640 --> 0:09:11.720 you start seeing your dead dog. This is my favorite question, 0:09:13.040 --> 0:09:16.160 what would be your last nail? I would have still? 0:09:16.240 --> 0:09:19.199 These stories is an old Scottish thing. I guess it's 0:09:19.200 --> 0:09:21.000 because it's on the store. It's like supposed to be 0:09:21.200 --> 0:09:22.840 when you're drinking. You leave it there and you're going 0:09:22.880 --> 0:09:25.319 you have a little some stories. It's potatoes and onions, meat. 0:09:25.400 --> 0:09:28.040 I do a vegan version. It's delicious. It's just the 0:09:28.040 --> 0:09:30.880 most carb starchy thing, so delicious. I put guardic and 0:09:30.920 --> 0:09:33.560 other things and so sor and blah blah blah. See 0:09:33.600 --> 0:09:36.120 I'm I really think I'm a peasant. I really it's 0:09:36.120 --> 0:09:39.040 so interesting. I discovered recently I'm part of Portuguese. I 0:09:39.080 --> 0:09:41.959 did that thing you sent off. I'm six percent Portuguese. 0:09:42.160 --> 0:09:45.080 Oh that's quite a lot, is it. I had no idea. 0:09:45.080 --> 0:09:46.640 I'm a little bit sort of German, and there was 0:09:46.679 --> 0:09:48.760 a few percentage of there, but you know, mostly Scottish 0:09:48.760 --> 0:09:52.520 and north of England. I'm literally an Anglo saccon like 0:09:52.640 --> 0:09:55.240 I basically was either one of the people that the 0:09:55.320 --> 0:09:58.400 Vikings came and found who already lived here, a bit 0:09:58.440 --> 0:10:02.559 of picked, a bit picked. I have nothing exotic in 0:10:02.600 --> 0:10:06.760 me at all, unless i'm you know, drinking tequila. That's 0:10:06.800 --> 0:10:12.000 the most exotic I get something interesting in me. How funny? 0:10:12.320 --> 0:10:14.320 I love that I was a little more saucy than 0:10:14.360 --> 0:10:16.480 I thought, but mostly you know, white Scottish boy. But 0:10:16.480 --> 0:10:19.440 the thing was, I'm very much a peasant. I really 0:10:19.720 --> 0:10:22.880 feel very peasantee and I know that I am from 0:10:22.880 --> 0:10:25.120 sort of peasants stock and my father's side of the 0:10:25.160 --> 0:10:30.040 family too. Are you utter complete peasants, some of who 0:10:30.200 --> 0:10:35.439 could play musical instruments, and so we're musical peasants. Musical peasants. 0:10:35.440 --> 0:10:38.000 I love that. That's a good band. Where you going? 0:10:38.120 --> 0:10:40.040 So you're a peasant? So what does that mean? You 0:10:40.160 --> 0:10:43.440 like eating? So my dad's family all worked and lived 0:10:43.440 --> 0:10:46.840 on kod Or estate for generations like on the farms 0:10:46.920 --> 0:10:49.040 or in the forestry. My dad was a forester. And 0:10:49.080 --> 0:10:51.640 then what was hilarious is that if you go to 0:10:51.720 --> 0:10:54.320 Quota Castle you look up on the wall there's a 0:10:54.360 --> 0:10:57.040 portrait of me. Seriously, it looks at me in a 0:10:57.040 --> 0:10:59.559 period film. It's insane. And when it was open to 0:10:59.600 --> 0:11:02.160 the public in about the nineties something or whatever, people 0:11:02.160 --> 0:11:04.200 send me this postcard to the sense of what the hell. 0:11:04.760 --> 0:11:08.520 And then I thought, wait a minute, maybe there was 0:11:08.559 --> 0:11:11.439 some dabbling below stairs, because I mean, of course that 0:11:11.600 --> 0:11:14.040 I so much like that man who was like the 0:11:14.040 --> 0:11:17.200 first day of Cord or something, so actually you think 0:11:17.240 --> 0:11:20.280 that you are an aristocrat of peasant stock. But there 0:11:20.320 --> 0:11:22.880 was dabbling blow stairs. And if I could just get 0:11:22.920 --> 0:11:26.720 one of the Cord families chunk of their hair and 0:11:26.800 --> 0:11:28.600 do it, I would be able to prove. But I 0:11:28.640 --> 0:11:30.560 don't think I want to do that. Yeah, we need 0:11:30.600 --> 0:11:32.400 to go to a few more parties and like steal 0:11:32.480 --> 0:11:37.839 some whiskey glasses. Hilarious. I'm sorry, duchess. It was always 0:11:37.840 --> 0:11:39.400 that that thing about member they were trying to get 0:11:39.440 --> 0:11:41.640 Prince Hattie's people was trying to steal bits of Prince 0:11:41.640 --> 0:11:45.520 Hattie's hair. I felt it was happening a nightclub. I 0:11:45.520 --> 0:11:48.120 think my brother was working the door and some yeah, 0:11:48.160 --> 0:11:50.839 somebody was trying to sort of snip Harry's hair. Can 0:11:50.920 --> 0:11:54.520 imagine pull off and no wonder he's gone to California. 0:11:54.559 --> 0:11:58.160 I mean, seriously, man, quick, get back to the first food. 0:11:58.200 --> 0:12:01.000 Because of my peasant thing, I food that is one 0:12:01.120 --> 0:12:03.000 ball of the same thing. Like you know, if you 0:12:03.040 --> 0:12:05.000 have too many different options that you've got, like you know, 0:12:05.480 --> 0:12:07.560 lots of vegetables, and it's too overwhelming for me. I 0:12:07.559 --> 0:12:09.280 don't like it. I like to mush them all together, 0:12:09.600 --> 0:12:11.280 and I like to eat things with a spoon. It's 0:12:11.360 --> 0:12:14.000 that I love more than anything, the feeling of having 0:12:14.000 --> 0:12:16.880 the same taste again and again I'm eating it with 0:12:16.960 --> 0:12:18.600 a spoon. That's what I would do. I suppose it's 0:12:18.640 --> 0:12:20.800 very like baby food. It's probably going back to there's 0:12:20.800 --> 0:12:23.199 like there's seven ages of man. But that's what my 0:12:23.280 --> 0:12:27.079 last meal would be, stub. It's very safe then, it 0:12:27.120 --> 0:12:31.360 feels very primal that and also understandable. Something that is 0:12:31.400 --> 0:12:34.880 in one ball comforting. It's comforting, do you know what 0:12:34.960 --> 0:12:37.760 I mean? I get confused in part restaurants sometimes. I 0:12:37.760 --> 0:12:41.080 mean I've been undone by like a foam on top 0:12:41.120 --> 0:12:45.520 of something good. God saved me from phone. It looks 0:12:45.600 --> 0:12:48.960 it looks like it looks like fish spit. I can't 0:12:49.000 --> 0:12:51.200 do it. I agree with you. I like a bowl 0:12:51.800 --> 0:12:54.200 and there's a confashionable now you know they're on the menu, 0:12:54.400 --> 0:12:58.560 like a bowl. Would you like the the ancient grain bowl? Yes, 0:12:58.679 --> 0:13:00.960 that's right, there's the Buddha Bao halls and things. Do 0:13:01.040 --> 0:13:03.679 this make you happy? Yeah? Like those? And I think 0:13:03.679 --> 0:13:05.400 I'm more in the Asian thing as well. Like you know, 0:13:05.440 --> 0:13:07.160 I loved I made a film in Australian. They had 0:13:07.200 --> 0:13:10.160 coranji for breakfast, which is like poor ridge, and then 0:13:10.160 --> 0:13:11.600 you put all these things in it. I love. That's 0:13:11.600 --> 0:13:15.040 my dream. God, that is delicious. I like poke balls 0:13:15.080 --> 0:13:18.280 in a like in in Hawaii pookeyboard. Yes, yes, I 0:13:18.320 --> 0:13:20.840 lived there for a while and I a lot. What 0:13:20.880 --> 0:13:23.520 did it in Hawaiian? I left Hollywood. I left Hollywood. 0:13:23.559 --> 0:13:26.320 I hated it, and nobody not just started left because 0:13:26.320 --> 0:13:27.840 I had all like I had like two films come 0:13:27.840 --> 0:13:30.760 out the year that I went and lived in Hawaii. Um, 0:13:30.800 --> 0:13:32.880 it was quite funny. I went there just to write 0:13:32.960 --> 0:13:35.400 music and to surf and to live on the beach 0:13:35.440 --> 0:13:39.520 and hang out. Gosh, I made a film there, that 0:13:39.640 --> 0:13:44.400 tempest film that Julie Timore's right, Marin was was prosperal 0:13:44.520 --> 0:13:47.480 prosperer and were it was just so hilarious, like being 0:13:47.480 --> 0:13:51.120 in the hot tub with like Chris Cooper and David 0:13:51.160 --> 0:13:54.160 Strath there and Tom Conti and Russell Brand and you know, 0:13:54.360 --> 0:13:56.160 practicing our lanes for the next day in the hot 0:13:56.160 --> 0:13:58.959 tub of the Four Seasons and in that funny lit 0:13:59.000 --> 0:14:01.160 Leyland camera. It's quite a long time. I went back 0:14:01.160 --> 0:14:09.040 and forward a bit. Such a hoot though, love, Okay, 0:14:09.080 --> 0:14:14.600 what question would you most like answered? I mean, I 0:14:14.640 --> 0:14:17.280 think it would have to be what was wrong with 0:14:17.280 --> 0:14:22.480 my father? What it was? The true mental diagnosis of him? 0:14:22.520 --> 0:14:24.280 You know. I think I think maybe ten years ago 0:14:24.360 --> 0:14:26.040 and said why did my father not love me? And 0:14:26.080 --> 0:14:28.240 I've got over that one, you know, as I found 0:14:28.240 --> 0:14:30.360 out all there's evidence about him, you know, I came 0:14:30.400 --> 0:14:33.880 to the conclusion not just that he's insane an awful, 0:14:33.920 --> 0:14:36.520 but he just was mentally ill. And I would love 0:14:36.560 --> 0:14:40.240 to get proper diagnosis. And I never will because I 0:14:40.280 --> 0:14:43.600 was I can't examine him or have seen anyone examine him, 0:14:43.640 --> 0:14:45.320 But that to me is something I would really love 0:14:45.360 --> 0:14:47.680 to have answered just what it actually was that made 0:14:47.760 --> 0:14:49.640 him behave the way he did. Do you think that 0:14:49.680 --> 0:14:52.960 if a person can give something a name it can 0:14:53.040 --> 0:14:57.480 be understood better, does it stay nebulous and therefore threatening 0:14:58.280 --> 0:15:01.360 if you can't contain it with the world. I think 0:15:01.400 --> 0:15:03.360 it's just the thing of it takes it outside of 0:15:03.400 --> 0:15:05.600 your experience. It makes it something that has exists in 0:15:05.640 --> 0:15:08.400 the world that wasn't just about you, you know, So 0:15:08.600 --> 0:15:10.800 perhaps that is what you're saying. And I've talked to 0:15:11.160 --> 0:15:14.600 psychiatrists about this, you know. I have actually spent quite 0:15:14.600 --> 0:15:17.000 a lot of time trying to diagnose my father from 0:15:17.000 --> 0:15:19.440 beyond the great personality disorders that you clearly had. But 0:15:19.480 --> 0:15:22.160 there's more, and I just I don't know quite why 0:15:22.320 --> 0:15:24.560 and when, you know, when what kicked it in And 0:15:24.560 --> 0:15:27.160 because something that was such a big part of my life, 0:15:27.520 --> 0:15:29.640 that is kind of a mystery. And I've definitely made 0:15:29.640 --> 0:15:31.800 peace of that, and I understand truly that he was 0:15:31.840 --> 0:15:34.760 mentally ill, and I've made it easier to to come 0:15:34.800 --> 0:15:37.200 to terms with and to forgive, and to sort of 0:15:37.560 --> 0:15:39.640 not too much to forgive that was easy, but to 0:15:39.720 --> 0:15:42.760 sort of place what happened to me in a context 0:15:42.840 --> 0:15:46.120 that I can get myself out of it. But obviously 0:15:46.480 --> 0:15:50.240 I'm never going to have an proper answer. So that's 0:15:50.320 --> 0:15:52.160 that's that would be the thing I would like the 0:15:52.200 --> 0:15:55.440 answer to. Yeah, I'm sorry you won't have the answer 0:15:55.560 --> 0:15:59.640 that question. I hope that the exploration or the interrogation 0:15:59.640 --> 0:16:01.320 of what it might be. I hope that there were 0:16:01.400 --> 0:16:03.160 enough people that said the same thing that I've given 0:16:03.160 --> 0:16:05.840 you a good idea of what it might have been. Definitely, 0:16:05.960 --> 0:16:09.320 there's you know, narcissistic disorders, psychotic personality, there's there's all 0:16:09.360 --> 0:16:12.440 these things. But you know, you can't really do that 0:16:12.560 --> 0:16:16.280 just on one person's memory. You have to getting a 0:16:16.280 --> 0:16:18.720 bit deeper. So it's so interesting to me. I always 0:16:18.720 --> 0:16:23.440 I'm really fascinated by the various sort of little psychological 0:16:23.520 --> 0:16:27.040 quirks we all have. And I think that's maybe because, 0:16:27.160 --> 0:16:28.640 you know, from such an early age, I was so 0:16:28.640 --> 0:16:30.160 aware of it. I was so aware of them. I 0:16:30.200 --> 0:16:33.520 was aware that my dad was not right from and 0:16:33.680 --> 0:16:37.160 not right as in wrong as well as being not 0:16:37.280 --> 0:16:40.120 right psychologically. I had a very good sort of balance 0:16:40.160 --> 0:16:41.680 between my mom and my dad, so I knew they 0:16:41.680 --> 0:16:44.040 both couldn't be right. And also, I you know, I 0:16:44.040 --> 0:16:46.640 hate to see it but I think that's also why 0:16:46.680 --> 0:16:49.120 I am quite a good actor, as that I can 0:16:49.240 --> 0:16:53.760 understand get into sort of people's psychological quirks because I'm 0:16:53.800 --> 0:16:58.680 aware of the difference. You know, I see it. So yeah, 0:16:58.880 --> 0:17:13.800 I just used to looking for it. What person, place, 0:17:14.080 --> 0:17:18.439 or experience most altered your life? Again, I'm going to 0:17:18.480 --> 0:17:20.639 see my father. I know, I keep the sort of 0:17:20.640 --> 0:17:22.560 bringing it back there, but no, no, no, it's good 0:17:22.600 --> 0:17:26.000 because you wrote a book about your experiences with your father. 0:17:26.119 --> 0:17:29.520 And someone very early on said to me, when I 0:17:29.920 --> 0:17:33.240 not drawing a comparison between an abusive childhood and heartbreak, 0:17:33.320 --> 0:17:35.359 but I was suffering tear me from a heartbreak and 0:17:35.359 --> 0:17:39.200 I wrote a record and a musician that I love said, oh, yeah, 0:17:39.320 --> 0:17:41.760 you know, wherever possible, you should profit off your pain. 0:17:46.200 --> 0:17:49.640 Whatever that well is of your of your father, that 0:17:49.720 --> 0:17:52.040 he that he would be the question that you would 0:17:52.040 --> 0:17:55.800 want answered that it's the person who altered or affected 0:17:55.800 --> 0:17:58.720 your life so much. They are connected those questions for you. 0:17:58.800 --> 0:18:01.320 So yeah, exact actually, and also it's sort of you know, 0:18:01.400 --> 0:18:03.600 in positive ways as well. I mean, like what's really 0:18:03.800 --> 0:18:09.160 been fascinating as right after we made Circle of Friends, actually, 0:18:09.240 --> 0:18:13.520 I had this nervous breakdown. It was basically because I realized, oh, 0:18:13.560 --> 0:18:16.760 I'm this person. I'm alannaha, happy Allen, not not terribly 0:18:16.840 --> 0:18:19.040 different from how I am now. I mean into this 0:18:19.440 --> 0:18:22.640 on the surface, but I was a construct of something 0:18:22.720 --> 0:18:26.440 my father done that I had not remembered. So I thought, 0:18:26.680 --> 0:18:31.520 I've become this person by ignoring, you know, suppressing this 0:18:31.560 --> 0:18:33.639 whole side of these things that happened to me. I 0:18:33.680 --> 0:18:35.240 don't want to be this person anymore. I want to 0:18:35.240 --> 0:18:37.440 embrace this terrible thing's happened to me to become the 0:18:37.440 --> 0:18:39.640 person I'm supposed to be. So that was a huge 0:18:39.640 --> 0:18:41.760 thing he influenced me. He got completely changed my life. 0:18:42.359 --> 0:18:44.880 And then when he told me I wasn't his son, 0:18:45.280 --> 0:18:49.000 that was pretty huge. And and then the ability to 0:18:49.040 --> 0:18:51.479 go back and talk to him and tell him I 0:18:51.600 --> 0:18:54.280 was indeed his son. After I got the day Natist 0:18:54.280 --> 0:18:57.040 and everything. You know, things like that are monumental moments 0:18:57.119 --> 0:18:59.560 that really changed you in terms of like I stood 0:18:59.600 --> 0:19:02.399 up to the scariest possible monster I could stand up to. 0:19:02.800 --> 0:19:06.520 I'm now fearless, and then writing about it and realizing 0:19:06.560 --> 0:19:09.400 that actually how important it is and how many people's 0:19:09.560 --> 0:19:12.880 lives I changed by telling my story and helped them 0:19:12.920 --> 0:19:14.359 to be able to deal with things in there. I 0:19:14.400 --> 0:19:16.919 had no idea that would happen. That was such a 0:19:16.920 --> 0:19:19.520 shocker to me. And then also to realize that I've 0:19:19.680 --> 0:19:22.120 by doing that, I have brought my father back into 0:19:22.160 --> 0:19:23.760 my life in a way that he never was before. 0:19:23.840 --> 0:19:25.919 So I didn't push him away like I thought. I 0:19:25.960 --> 0:19:27.520 actually brought him in. But as you said, it's on 0:19:27.640 --> 0:19:30.240 my terms. So it's been a series of things like 0:19:30.320 --> 0:19:34.560 that has really truly primarily changed me, and all of 0:19:34.600 --> 0:19:37.800 them actually are positive things. I mean, the actual stuff before, 0:19:39.240 --> 0:19:43.159 you know, the childhood was awful, but actually as an adult, 0:19:43.160 --> 0:19:47.199 the huge sort of cataclysmic things that happened were ultimately 0:19:47.359 --> 0:19:49.520 very very positive things for me because it was about 0:19:49.520 --> 0:19:52.080 me coming my true, authentic self and not a construct 0:19:52.119 --> 0:19:57.640 of something he had made me. Oh, Johnny is so articular. 0:19:58.080 --> 0:20:01.399 Bless you, But I mean, I'm sorry there's things happen 0:20:01.480 --> 0:20:03.480 to you. But it's feed into the last question that 0:20:03.520 --> 0:20:07.000 I have. It's very revealing in your life. Can you 0:20:07.040 --> 0:20:09.359 tell me about something that has grown out of a 0:20:09.440 --> 0:20:19.720 personal disaster? Well, yes, me, my entire body I grew 0:20:19.720 --> 0:20:22.320 out of a personal Yeah. I mean I think I 0:20:22.320 --> 0:20:25.600 would say several relationships that are broken up, like a 0:20:25.680 --> 0:20:27.679 married a couple of marriages, you know, the sort of 0:20:27.680 --> 0:20:30.639 thing that we're when as in them definitely be described 0:20:30.640 --> 0:20:32.800 as personal disasters when they were breaking up, and just 0:20:32.840 --> 0:20:35.160 the sort of the sort of ugliness of all that. 0:20:35.560 --> 0:20:38.720 But actually, you know, getting older and looking back on 0:20:38.880 --> 0:20:41.879 things and seeing the patterns, you notice the patterns of 0:20:41.960 --> 0:20:45.400 behavior of yours as well as other people's. That gives 0:20:45.400 --> 0:20:47.520 you an opportunity to make a decision about are you 0:20:47.560 --> 0:20:50.679 going to behave differently now in this when this happens, 0:20:50.760 --> 0:20:52.280 or you know, are you going to make the same 0:20:52.320 --> 0:20:55.160 mistake or or maybe this is a good pattern to repeat. 0:20:55.600 --> 0:20:57.600