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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of Couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat.

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Speaker 1: I am the host, and if you are new to

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Speaker 1: the podcast and you don't know what couch Talks is,

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Speaker 1: it is the special bonus episode of You Need Therapy

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Speaker 1: where I Kat answer questions that you, guys the listeners

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Speaker 1: send to Katherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com.

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Speaker 1: Now quick reminder before we get into today's episode that

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Speaker 1: although I'm a therapist and this is called You Need Therapy,

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Speaker 1: this podcast does not serve as a replacement or a

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Speaker 1: substitute for any actual mental health services, but we always

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Speaker 1: hope that it can be helpful to you in some way. Now,

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Speaker 1: each week, we try to stick to one question and

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Speaker 1: I answer it within ten to fifteen minutes, depending on

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Speaker 1: the day. Sometimes it's more so it's less. And I

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Speaker 1: always keep these questions anonymous, so you guys can feel

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Speaker 1: really safe sending in the questions that you want answered.

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Speaker 1: And I will not give any information that is not

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Speaker 1: in the body of your email unless you tell me

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Speaker 1: not to read certain parts or you want me to

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Speaker 1: include certain things that aren't in the body, which not

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Speaker 1: sure what that would be I guess manna be your

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Speaker 1: name or email, but actually I would never share that regardless. Anyway,

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Speaker 1: we're going to stick with a normal format today and

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Speaker 1: we're gonna do one question. I have a little bit

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Speaker 1: of announcement before. I have come up with a new

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Speaker 1: series and it's called this One's for the Therapists, and

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Speaker 1: it is going to be a series of four to

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Speaker 1: five episodes where myself and another therapist, mostly three Chords

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Speaker 1: therapy therapists are going to come on and talk about

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Speaker 1: things that are of the therapists, how to know when

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Speaker 1: to self disclose or Okay, I think I want to

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Speaker 1: be a therapist, but what do I do? And are

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Speaker 1: there things I should look out for or think about

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Speaker 1: before I go into this field. I am working on

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Speaker 1: episode that right now has a working title called do

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Speaker 1: I Seck Up My Job? That it's just about the

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Speaker 1: hard parts about being a therapist and when your own

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Speaker 1: humanity comes into play and your own insecurities repair is

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Speaker 1: another thing that we are working on. So if you

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Speaker 1: have any questions that have to do with being a therapist,

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Speaker 1: so person of the Therapist's stuff, send those topics or

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Speaker 1: ideas to Catherine atuned Therapy Podcast. Dot com And really

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Speaker 1: the aim of this is to give therapists a space

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Speaker 1: to feel less alone and connect and learn more about

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Speaker 1: being a therapist and the hard parts that come with

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Speaker 1: that and the awkward parts that come with that. But

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Speaker 1: also I can understand somebody who's not a therapist just

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Speaker 1: goes to therapy might be just answerted in some of

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Speaker 1: the stuff too, So if you have any questions, regardless

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Speaker 1: of who you are, feel free to send those in.

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Speaker 1: I'm really excited about this one. It is one that

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Speaker 1: I feel I think is going to excite me in

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Speaker 1: a different way. Also, I have on Monday and episode

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Speaker 1: with our newest therapist at Three Chords Therapy, Bridget, who

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Speaker 1: is going to come and talk about maternal mental health

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Speaker 1: and perinatal mental health. It is such a good episode.

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Speaker 1: We just actually record the conversation and I'm excited about

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Speaker 1: what's going to come after because there are so many

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Speaker 1: topics from this larger topic that I'm excited to get

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Speaker 1: into with her, and she has such a fun and

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Speaker 1: norm and inviting way of existing. So I think you're

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Speaker 1: really going to like that episode. And also I want

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Speaker 1: you guys to get to know a new part of

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Speaker 1: three chords therapy and if you are looking for a

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Speaker 1: therapist who specializes in that all things that have to

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Speaker 1: do with the before, during, and after period of thinking

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Speaker 1: about trying to conceive, conceiving, birthing, parenting, all of that stuff,

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Speaker 1: she is a great person to seek out. So look

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Speaker 1: forward to that. And I say, let's get into the episode.

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Speaker 1: So here's the question. Hey, kat, I have a question

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Speaker 1: about something that happened between my therapist and me. Without

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Speaker 1: getting into the details too far, she made a comment

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Speaker 1: about someone that I am dating that I didn't like

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Speaker 1: very much. It was about the way they looked, and

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Speaker 1: I think she said it to make me feel better

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Speaker 1: or maybe more confident. Actually, I have no idea why

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Speaker 1: she said it, because those both feel weird when I

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Speaker 1: think about them. I know she doesn't like the person

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Speaker 1: I'm dating, and it was a d quote, you're better

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Speaker 1: than this guy kind of comment. It rubbed me the

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Speaker 1: wrong way after our session, and I can't stop thinking

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Speaker 1: about it. I don't think that someone's look should be

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Speaker 1: a defining factor in choosing to date them, and one

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Speaker 1: of the things I've worked on in therapy has been

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Speaker 1: my body image issues. Is it normal for therapists to

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Speaker 1: say things like this, or is this something that I

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Speaker 1: should bring up to her in some way, and if so,

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Speaker 1: how on earth would I bring this up to her?

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Speaker 1: So thank you for your question. As always, I know

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Speaker 1: that it takes some courage and some energy and some

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Speaker 1: effort to send in your questions, and I really appreciate

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Speaker 1: them because this this is something that a lot of

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Speaker 1: people are in general going to probably relate to, whether

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Speaker 1: it's the same kind of thing that your therapist said,

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Speaker 1: but really just acknowledging the discomfort that comes up when

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Speaker 1: your therapist says something that you don't like for whatever reason,

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Speaker 1: and it sounds like some of the reasons you don't

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Speaker 1: like what she said is it feels maybe a little judgmental.

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Speaker 1: It feels like she's kind of like using her own

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Speaker 1: feelings about the person you're dating to like push you

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Speaker 1: one way or the other. And it's also like, I

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Speaker 1: imagine it to be hard to do work around your

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Speaker 1: body image and your feelings around what you look like

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Speaker 1: and how people perceive you. To hear your therapists make

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Speaker 1: a comment about what somebody looks like and how she's

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Speaker 1: perceiving them, and your question around isn't normal for a

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Speaker 1: therapist to say things like this. I'm not sure if

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Speaker 1: you're asking if it's normal for a therapist to say

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Speaker 1: things about somebody's looks, or if it's normal for a

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Speaker 1: therapists to say things that don't sit well with you.

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Speaker 1: The first part, no, I don't. I don't think it.

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Speaker 1: Probably it doesn't happen. But especially as a therapist who

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Speaker 1: works with people who like yourself, who are struggling with

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Speaker 1: their image, their body image, their self image, any of that,

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Speaker 1: we need to be cognizant and aware that what we're

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Speaker 1: saying isn't going to you know, backfire and you're going

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Speaker 1: to read into that and it's going to kind of

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Speaker 1: like undo some of the work that we've done. It

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Speaker 1: doesn't say that we don't make mistakes. We do. And

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Speaker 1: also there may need to be some repair on her

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Speaker 1: part because of that. I don't know if she realizes

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Speaker 1: or noticed or remembers that she said that. I think

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Speaker 1: it's something that I hope that she does. But the

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Speaker 1: second part, if you're asking, is it normal for therapists

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Speaker 1: to say things that don't sit right with clients? That

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Speaker 1: is normal. It doesn't mean that everything that doesn't sit

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Speaker 1: well with our clients. Like they should just like, well,

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Speaker 1: this is normal. You should just listen to this, and

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Speaker 1: it's normal for people to disagree or not like what

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Speaker 1: we say. It doesn't mean that we're wrong. No, what

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Speaker 1: I'm saying is it is normal for therapists to say

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Speaker 1: things that clients do not like and does not sit

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Speaker 1: well with them, in the sense that not everything we

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Speaker 1: say lance and that's okay. I think there's also therapy

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Speaker 1: in you acknowledging that there is work to be done,

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Speaker 1: in acknowledging that allowing yourself to bring your sense of self,

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Speaker 1: yourself into the room and say, hey, you use your

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Speaker 1: voice here, and maybe that's something that you're also working on.

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Speaker 1: Allowing yourself to experience confrontation, allowing yourself to be the

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Speaker 1: one that brings up the confrontation, and not just allowing

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Speaker 1: people to say things or do things or put beliefs

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Speaker 1: on us that we don't necessarily believe in. This is

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Speaker 1: about our autonomy in the room, and this is a

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Speaker 1: space that is for you. So I always say in

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Speaker 1: my early sessions with clients, if you don't like something

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Speaker 1: I've said, if I make a face, if something doesn't

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Speaker 1: sit well with you, if you don't agree with something.

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Speaker 1: I want to invite you into bringing that up because

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Speaker 1: I'm going to push back on you and bring some

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Speaker 1: confrontations to you, and I'm going to ask you a

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Speaker 1: lot of questions. But this room is for you. And

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Speaker 1: so if there's something that I do it doesn't feel right,

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Speaker 1: doesn't sit right with you, you are allowed to bring

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Speaker 1: that into the space and I am open to hearing that.

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Speaker 1: And if you have a healthy, good therapist, your therapist

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Speaker 1: is going to be open to hearing that. No matter

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Speaker 1: what therapists you have, there probably will be something that

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Speaker 1: you don't agree with. It doesn't fit well, it doesn't

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Speaker 1: sit well, it doesn't feel good to hear, And whether

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Speaker 1: or not your therapist said something wrong, I think it's

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Speaker 1: really important for us to be able to take up

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Speaker 1: space in that room and acknowledge it and work through

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Speaker 1: what that is because there is so much healing in repair.

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Speaker 1: There is so much healing in allowing somebody to understand

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Speaker 1: you and allowing yourself to be understood. That is where

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Speaker 1: so much of the real work happens in the therapy room.

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Speaker 1: And you're asking, how do I bring this up? I

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Speaker 1: really want you to like down the intensity of what

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Speaker 1: this feels like in your body. I don't know any

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Speaker 1: of your story other than this little snip that I read,

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Speaker 1: but confrontation is something that brings up a lot of

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Speaker 1: feelings with people, a lot of uncomfortable feelings, and a

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Speaker 1: lot of messages. And one of the messages that we

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Speaker 1: get in our resistance to confrontation is I shouldn't make

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Speaker 1: other people feel unomfortable, like it's my job to ease tension,

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Speaker 1: Like tension is bad. Tension leads to something worse than tension.

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Speaker 1: And there's so much healing work and bringing tension into

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Speaker 1: the room and allowing that to be a process of

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Speaker 1: shift and change and prosperity versus more and more tension

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Speaker 1: that might blow up or feel unsafe or feel toxic.

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Speaker 1: So water down this idea that you have in your head.

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Speaker 1: You can bring this up like you're asking somebody what

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Speaker 1: they had for lunch. You know it coauld sound as

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Speaker 1: simple as your therapist welcomes you and hey, how are

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Speaker 1: you doing? You know I'm doing okay. I have been

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Speaker 1: thinking about something that happened in our life session. I

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Speaker 1: wanted to bring it up. You made this comment I

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Speaker 1: heard you say about the way the person I'm dating looks.

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Speaker 1: And when I sat with that comment after our session,

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Speaker 1: I started to feel really hurt and sad and a

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Speaker 1: little bit angry, maybe a lot a bit angry. And

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Speaker 1: what it brought up for me is and then you

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Speaker 1: go into what it brought up for you or the

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Speaker 1: story made up is that you know, you're trying to

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Speaker 1: convince me not to be with somebody that I want

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Speaker 1: to be with, or you're sending me the message that

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Speaker 1: looks are important, and that's something that I've been trying

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Speaker 1: to unlearn in this space, and so I just wanted

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Speaker 1: to bring that up and create space for me to

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Speaker 1: acknowledge that I didn't like that you said that, And

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Speaker 1: I'm really curious what encouraged you to make that comment

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Speaker 1: in the first place. Now, that might have sounded like

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Speaker 1: long and intense, and I said, water it down and

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Speaker 1: you can make it so much shorter than that. You know,

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Speaker 1: I've been thinking about this comment you made. I sat

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Speaker 1: with it after our session. I felt really angry replaying

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Speaker 1: it in my head. I brought up a lot of

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Speaker 1: stuff for me, and I really am curious about what

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Speaker 1: encouraged you to say that in that moment and just

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Speaker 1: allow her to respond or him to respond, allowing yourself

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Speaker 1: to sit in that discomfort, and maybe you name it.

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Speaker 1: Maybe you name the discomfort. You know, I'm really uncomfortable

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Speaker 1: and I'm really scared to even bring this up, bringing

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Speaker 1: up a lot of things for me. So I want

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Speaker 1: to name that, and then you go into it. And

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Speaker 1: what I want you to know is that it's the

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Speaker 1: therapist's job to maintain their own discomfort. It's not your

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Speaker 1: job to take care of the therapist. You are not

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Speaker 1: there to take care of your therapist. And if you

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Speaker 1: feel that way, you name that. I was talking with

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Speaker 1: the therapists that I've been supervising about the here and

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Speaker 1: now stuff and how difficult that is. It's easy for

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Speaker 1: us to process things. Not easy, but it's easier or

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Speaker 1: for us to process things that have nothing to do

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Speaker 1: with us, right, or we can remove the person in

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Speaker 1: the room that feels like it's that's not a confrontation, right,

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Speaker 1: But the here and now stuff, when you're talking about

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Speaker 1: the stuff that involves the person right in front of

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Speaker 1: you and might illicit feelings for them about you or

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Speaker 1: about the experience, that can be really scary because we

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Speaker 1: take on responsibility for that experience, like I'm responsible for

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Speaker 1: the discomfort. When I want you to the therapists to

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Speaker 1: be responsible for their own feelings, reactions, feedback, et cetera.

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Speaker 1: We can only be responsible for ourselves and it is

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Speaker 1: our job to take care of ourselves so that we

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Speaker 1: can be there and help you take care of yourself.

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Speaker 1: So I hope that was helpful. And again I want

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Speaker 1: you to know that as a therapist, I want clients

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Speaker 1: to feel like they can share their stuff in that room.

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Speaker 1: And if they can't share their stuff in that room,

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Speaker 1: then I'm not doing my job and I need to

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Speaker 1: go do some work on myself before I continue to

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Speaker 1: invite people in, but don't allow their feelings to show

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Speaker 1: up in the room. That feels very unfair and unsafe.

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Speaker 1: So if you feel like you want to bring this up,

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Speaker 1: if it feels important to you, then yes, I'm not

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Speaker 1: going to tell you that you should or shouldn't. If

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Speaker 1: it feels important to you and you want to do this,

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Speaker 1: then yeah, I want to encourage you to allow yourself

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Speaker 1: to speak about something that matters to you. That's what

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Speaker 1: therapy is for. If you have any other questions, you

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Speaker 1: can send them Katherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot

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Speaker 1: com If you have any feedback or ideas for that.

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Speaker 1: This is for the Therapist series. Let me know and

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Speaker 1: know that's coming, and then look out for Bridget coming

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Speaker 1: this Monday on the Monday episode of You Need Therapy.

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Speaker 1: Until then, I hope you have the day you need

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Speaker 1: to have and I'll talk to you soon