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Speaker 1: Conversations on life, style, beauty and relationships. It's The Velvet's

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Speaker 1: Edge Podcast with Kelly Henderson.

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Speaker 2: Doctor Danielle Harrel and Celeste Hirshman are pioneers in intimacy,

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Speaker 2: sexuality and relationship coaching. They're the co founders of Samatica Institute.

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Speaker 2: They've transformed how love and connection are taught through their

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Speaker 2: experiential science based Somatica method, which we will get into together.

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Speaker 2: They've trained over one thousand coaches and helped countless individuals

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Speaker 2: and couples embrace vulnerability, rediscover desire, and create deeply fulfilling relationship.

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Speaker 3: Hi.

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Speaker 4: Guys, thank you so much for being here.

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Speaker 5: Hi, thank you so much for having us excited to

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Speaker 5: be here.

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Speaker 2: Well, these are some of my favorite topics, and as

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Speaker 2: I was talking about with you guys before, this is

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Speaker 2: the perfect week for this. With Valentine's Day, I think

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Speaker 2: February is one that most people associate with either love, dating, relationships, sex,

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Speaker 2: any of that. So we are here to bring listeners

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Speaker 2: topics of all of these things. I wanted to start

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Speaker 2: because one of the things I talk about a lot

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Speaker 2: on this podcast is I think it's so interesting in

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Speaker 2: our society that anything else that we want to be

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Speaker 2: good at or that we want to grow in. We study,

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Speaker 2: we work really hard at, we continue our education. But

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Speaker 2: for some reason, it seems to me like with dating,

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Speaker 2: relationships and sex, we kind of just have this expectation

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Speaker 2: of let me meet the right person and then everything

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Speaker 2: will be figured out. So I wanted to hear y'all's

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Speaker 2: take on that. Do you have any experience with that

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Speaker 2: with the clients that you work in and why do

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Speaker 2: you think that we operate that way in our society?

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Speaker 5: Of course, I feel like there's just this idea that

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Speaker 5: you're just supposed to come ready made to relationship, even

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Speaker 5: though we get such poor training usually, and you know,

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Speaker 5: you're just supposed to find the one and they're supposed

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Speaker 5: to be perfect, you know, all that fairy tale stuff,

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Speaker 5: and it really gets in the way of people learning

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Speaker 5: and exploring and finding out more about themselves and also

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Speaker 5: like asking for what they want and instead of like

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Speaker 5: just expecting somebody's going to know. So it really it

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Speaker 5: really gets in the way. And you know, as coaches,

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Speaker 5: we know all of these things are learnable, and we

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Speaker 5: really practice with our clients to teach them these things experientially,

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Speaker 5: So it's not just like talk talk talk. It's very

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Speaker 5: much like how do you practice those tools of intimacy

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Speaker 5: so that people can get better at them?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I know at the Somatic Institute, one of the

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Speaker 2: main things you guys teaches that intimacy is a skill.

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Speaker 2: So you mentioned the experiential piece of how you teach that.

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Speaker 2: Can you tell listeners a little more about that and

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Speaker 2: what that looks like?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, definitely. So we really take our like I look

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Speaker 3: at somatica with like lego blocks, you know, with like

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Speaker 3: Bob foundations, and you can build different kinds of like

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Speaker 3: or like words and sentences. You can like learn the

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Speaker 3: letters and words and build sentences and create. So when

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Speaker 3: we practice with clients, we practice all the tools. For example,

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Speaker 3: like how do you know that you have a feeling? Okay,

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Speaker 3: like how do you know where does feeling? How do

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Speaker 3: you recognize feelings in your body or in your nervous system?

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Speaker 3: And then like how do you share feelings with someone?

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Speaker 3: So we share them with each other. For example, I'm

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Speaker 3: going to say, you know, Kelly, when I'm looking at

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Speaker 3: you and you're sitting in this like you have this

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Speaker 3: beautiful smile. Now that I said your name, it really

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Speaker 3: made me my heart grow and kind of come out

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Speaker 3: to you, and then you will say you're going to

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Speaker 3: be looking at me and you're going to say, you

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Speaker 3: know when you said that, and then feel in the

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Speaker 3: blank if you want to try it out with me

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Speaker 3: right here.

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Speaker 2: So when you said that, that made me very if

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Speaker 2: I felt very comfortable. I'm very happy and excited to

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Speaker 2: be talking to you guys, and it made me want

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Speaker 2: to dive deeper into this conversation exactly.

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Speaker 3: We just started the I Feel game.

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Speaker 4: What is it called the I Feel game? Yeah?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, But then what's beautiful about it is that sometimes

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Speaker 3: you have like positive, heartwarming feelings and sometimes you have

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Speaker 3: a little bit more like I don't know, I just

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Speaker 3: feel anxious or like I don't know. When I look

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Speaker 3: at you and you're frowning, I feel scared. So you

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Speaker 3: have a way to kind of learn how to share

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Speaker 3: feelings while practicing it with us with the coaches, right

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Speaker 3: with us and then or our coaches we train many coaches.

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Speaker 3: I love calling it, you know, like you practice with

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Speaker 3: a kitten and then you go out and like.

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Speaker 4: With the tigers of that.

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Speaker 2: Oh yeah, well you're making a great point about that,

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Speaker 2: which is something I also wanted to talk about the

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Speaker 2: idea of practicing vulnerability with maybe someone outside of a

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Speaker 2: relationship or maybe where the stakes aren't as high. First,

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Speaker 2: like to learn how to do it first, And I've

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Speaker 2: had a lot of experience with that in my life.

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Speaker 2: And when I started therapy, I did a lot of

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Speaker 2: experiential work and I learned how to communicate there to

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Speaker 2: then be able to take that into my relationships.

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Speaker 4: But I could.

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Speaker 2: I don't think I could have done it in the

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Speaker 2: reverse way. Why is that? It just feels way scarier

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Speaker 2: to me? But is there some sort of science behind

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Speaker 2: why that works?

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Speaker 5: Well, I think it has a lot to do with attachment, right, Like,

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Speaker 5: once we get attached to someone, we get a lot

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Speaker 5: more scared that if we do something wrong, they might

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Speaker 5: leave or get mad at us or something like that.

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Speaker 5: Whereas with a coach, you're just like, Okay, you know,

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Speaker 5: I'm paying this person to learn something. We have an

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Speaker 5: ongoing relationship and that's the agreement, as opposed to like

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Speaker 5: just vulnerably trying it with somebody who you're like trying

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Speaker 5: to have a relationship with, where you might you know,

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Speaker 5: you get scared of judgment or rejection.

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Speaker 4: Right, So the stakes are just higher in general.

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Speaker 6: Much higher.

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Speaker 5: Can I say something about doing it around erotic connection

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Speaker 5: because I think that's nice?

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Speaker 4: Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.

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Speaker 5: So I feel like, you know, there's also we work

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Speaker 5: with a lot of people who maybe aren't that experienced

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Speaker 5: erotically or they really want to learn how to be

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Speaker 5: better lovers, you know. For a lot of times, like

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Speaker 5: I'll work with people who care so much about like

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Speaker 5: what the what their partner is feeling and thinking that

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Speaker 5: they're just like all, you know, like worried and anxious

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Speaker 5: when they're touching and connecting, and I really help them

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Speaker 5: find that balance of like finding their own desire and

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Speaker 5: touching in a way that's putting them and their partner

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Speaker 5: right to find that balance and learning that in a

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Speaker 5: safe container with boundaries where they get really honest feedback

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Speaker 5: because I think especially men often don't.

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Speaker 6: Get good feedback from their partners.

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Speaker 5: And then you can kind of teach them how to

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Speaker 5: be much more subtle, attuned, but also passionate lovers.

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Speaker 2: Okay, I have about four questions that just came up

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Speaker 2: from that statement. So when you're working with men versus women,

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Speaker 2: do you see one more than another that's able to

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Speaker 2: focus on their own needs versus their partners and then

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Speaker 2: express them like are men better at that? Are women

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Speaker 2: better at that? Is it different for different people? What's

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Speaker 2: the consistency there?

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Speaker 3: We see kind of equal amount of men, women and

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Speaker 3: couples in a progression. But I think like people just

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Speaker 3: have because of the socialization and all the social messages

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Speaker 3: we got, we have a little more tendencies. But it's

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Speaker 3: a little bit also personality. We're different. Some people really

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Speaker 3: much more want to like get what they want and

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Speaker 3: you know, don't want to teach anything on the way

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Speaker 3: how that people really really want to learn, They really

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Speaker 3: want to listen one step to like very attuned and

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Speaker 3: really feel like they want to pay attention to what's

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Speaker 3: happening with their partner and really give. And I think,

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Speaker 3: you know, the best is when people match like that

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Speaker 3: and there's someone who want to receive and someone want

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Speaker 3: to give. But it's not always the case, right, So

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Speaker 3: we help individuals and clients to navigate different people because

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Speaker 3: people are different. And that's where, like, you know the

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Speaker 3: essence of where so many people kind of get challenging

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Speaker 3: their relationship because they like think that the other person's

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Speaker 3: supposed to know who they are and supposed to know

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Speaker 3: exactly how to give it to them, and we just

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Speaker 3: want to say no, no, no, Like you need to

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Speaker 3: teach someone how to love you, and you want to

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Speaker 3: learn how to love them, because it's like, how would

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Speaker 3: you know? Right right?

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Speaker 6: Well?

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Speaker 2: Often too, like you said earlier, we're not really taught,

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Speaker 2: and so how often are you seeing people not even

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Speaker 2: know what they want? So how could we communicate it?

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Speaker 2: You know, we don't if we're not into much our

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Speaker 2: own needs and feels like you were describing.

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Speaker 5: Exactly, so many people have no idea what they want

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Speaker 5: for themselves, and we often start there. We're just like

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Speaker 5: you know, getting into your own body, getting into your

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Speaker 5: own desires, having some idea of what talking about your

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Speaker 5: fantasies and what really turns you on, what you actually

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Speaker 5: want to happen, and what you just want to think

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Speaker 5: inside of your brain. So if you know, there's there's

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Speaker 5: so much subtlety to really helping people find out what

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Speaker 5: they want for themselves.

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Speaker 2: Do you find that it's better to start someone when

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Speaker 2: working with this kind of communication with hey, I feel

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Speaker 2: certain things and take it out of the sex arena,

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Speaker 2: or is it easier for people just to dive right

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Speaker 2: into this is what I want in the bedroom. Like

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Speaker 2: they feel very different, and then maybe the bedroom can

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Speaker 2: feel a little more overwhelming to me because it's not

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Speaker 2: as talked about are as common in our world.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I really think that it depends on the person.

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Speaker 3: I think again because of socialization. I think many times

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Speaker 3: people socialize as men going to come in and they'll

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Speaker 3: be like, Okay, I want to talk about sex. So

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Speaker 3: sex with a good way to learn feelings.

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Speaker 4: You I know that's true.

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Speaker 3: Start with sex, and then like, as we're gonna learn

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Speaker 3: and communicate and relate with each other around sex, we're

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Speaker 3: going to also start to insert feeling statements or like

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Speaker 3: how that make you feeling? Kind of like how to

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Speaker 3: you know, like explore feelings with a partner. And many

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Speaker 3: times people who are like socialized women will come to

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Speaker 3: us and there will be much more Oh, like I

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Speaker 3: want to start with feelings and I want to feel comfortable,

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Speaker 3: and we need to help them grow into be able

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Speaker 3: to talk about sex for themselves first and then like

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Speaker 3: maybe for their partner as well.

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Speaker 2: This has actually taking me back to what I was

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Speaker 2: going to ask you guys before we dove into the eroticism.

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Speaker 2: But it works perfectly, because I find in a lot

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Speaker 2: of my friends relationships or my own relationships, the things

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Speaker 2: that I hear about maybe would be, oh, we're never

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Speaker 2: we're not having sex anymore, you know, like the complaints

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Speaker 2: start there, And I've gotten really curious about that because

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Speaker 2: I'm like, I don't think it.

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Speaker 4: Really starts there.

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Speaker 2: There was all these things that happened in the past

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Speaker 2: that have somehow made this block to where there's no

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Speaker 2: sex happening. So how important is it to really look

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Speaker 2: at the whole picture within a relationship? I mean, I

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Speaker 2: know some of the things that you guys do in

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Speaker 2: your work talk about really working through the trauma piece

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Speaker 2: of what comes up in relationship or even learning how

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Speaker 2: to have the ability to make repair with each other

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Speaker 2: and the importance of that. So can you touch on

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Speaker 2: kind of all of those topics and what that leads

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Speaker 2: to with our sex lives and relationship for sure?

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Speaker 5: Because sexless marriage can come from a lot of places, right.

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Speaker 5: So that's why in our training we really teach both

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Speaker 5: emotional and erotic skills, because sometimes there's tons of emotional

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Speaker 5: resentment and all of that needs to be worked through

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Speaker 5: before people even want to have sex with each other. Exactly,

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Speaker 5: and sometimes it's the other way around. They have a beautiful,

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Speaker 5: wonderful emotional connection, but this heat of the sex life

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Speaker 5: isn't there, and then you need to find out what

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Speaker 5: really turns them on. Often people have not had those

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Speaker 5: deeper conversations about what their core desires are, what we

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Speaker 5: call core desires, which is what you want to feel

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Speaker 5: during sex, and hottest sexual movies, which is what you

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Speaker 5: want to do during sex. Okay, So we really have

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Speaker 5: to have if it's not really about emotional resentment, if

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Speaker 5: it's about the sexual connection and compatibility and learning each

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Speaker 5: other in that way, then we need to dive into

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Speaker 5: the erotic mind and into the kinds of things that

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Speaker 5: take us to the feelings that we want to have.

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Speaker 2: Okay, So maybe start with learning how to do the feelings, communicating,

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Speaker 2: working through whether it's trauma or I want to actually

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Speaker 2: go a little further on the repair piece, because this

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Speaker 2: has been something that's been coming up in my world

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Speaker 2: a lot, and I think that we can look at

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Speaker 2: this with friendships, with work relationships, any kind of dynamic

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Speaker 2: of relationships. Repair, to me has become the most valuable

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Speaker 2: tool that I have learned as an adult in my

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Speaker 2: relationships because we're not ever going to agree with everyone, right,

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Speaker 2: Like two people should have different opinions on some things.

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Speaker 4: That's healthy, I believe.

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Speaker 2: And so if you're gonna have disagreements, the ability to

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Speaker 2: make repair can actually deepen intimacy from what I've experienced.

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Speaker 2: But you guys are the experts, So could you help

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Speaker 2: the listeners understand just the importance of repair And is

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Speaker 2: what I'm saying accurate that it's is as important in

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Speaker 2: relationship that I'm thinking it.

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Speaker 3: Is, definitely, And I think repair is important in all relationships,

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Speaker 3: as you said, not only in romantic relationships. It's important

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Speaker 3: relationship with your children, with your friends, with your parents,

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Speaker 3: with siblings, because as you said, people it's not even

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Speaker 3: it's it's even like beyond disagreement. People just like being

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Speaker 3: themselves and then they trip on something that the other

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Speaker 3: person is being their other self, right, right, Like there's

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Speaker 3: something that I said or did or didn't pay attention

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Speaker 3: to really hit something in my partner or my kid,

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Speaker 3: or in my you know, someone else, my friend that

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Speaker 3: is simmering there for a while for their own you know,

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Speaker 3: like it's not even about me at all. It might

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Speaker 3: be something that happened that not related to me, and

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Speaker 3: they're just tripped on it, right, And that can also

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Speaker 3: be some thing that you know, like we're not taught that,

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Speaker 3: you know, like we always feel like that's something about

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Speaker 3: like one person needs to be right, but it is

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Speaker 3: not about right or wrong. It's just like I was

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Speaker 3: being me, someone else was being themselves and we kind

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Speaker 3: of crippt on each other. Right. So repair is a

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Speaker 3: wonderful opportunity and a wonderful tool that we really kind

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Speaker 3: of break down and teach a lot of both clients

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Speaker 3: both in our training how to do it because there's

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Speaker 3: like it when you learn and you have like an

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Speaker 3: ethics of repair in your relationship, things can be smoothed

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Speaker 3: up much more and it does bring much more depth

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Speaker 3: and trust because you're just like, wow, like I was

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Speaker 3: able to go with this person through this cycle. We

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Speaker 3: started with disconnect and now we are able to connect

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Speaker 3: and it feels like much deeper and we can trust

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Speaker 3: each other now, right, Yes, that's how it deepens trust

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Speaker 3: and like really create longevity in relationship. When you're practicing

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Speaker 3: repair with each other.

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Speaker 5: You also got trauma, which I think, yeah, when you're

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Speaker 5: in the repair process, one of the things that you

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Speaker 5: can discover, And one way that you can deepen intimacy

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Speaker 5: is sort of understanding what your partner's wounds are and

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Speaker 5: what their traumas are without a bunch of like, oh

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Speaker 5: there's something wrong with you or you're broken. We all

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Speaker 5: have wounds, we all have traumas, So just normalizing that

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Speaker 5: and saying, okay, so what are the things when I

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Speaker 5: step on them, Like what explodes inside of my partner?

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Speaker 5: What is their history that impacts their feelings in the

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Speaker 5: present moment about what we're talking about or what's happening.

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Speaker 5: Once we learn those things about each other, you know,

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Speaker 5: we won't always be able to avoid them, but we

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Speaker 5: kind of understand, Oh, that's why they're getting upset right now.

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Speaker 5: A lot of times it's like, what's the big deal,

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Speaker 5: you know, and it's like, well, the big deal isn't

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Speaker 5: what's happening right now. The big deal is that it

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Speaker 5: reminds me of this horrible thing that happened to me

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Speaker 5: in the past. And when we can learn those things

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Speaker 5: about our partner, we can have a lot more empathy

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Speaker 5: and grace in those moments when the explosions happen.

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Speaker 2: You're using all the words that are popping into my

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Speaker 2: mind because I was thinking when we do the repair,

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Speaker 2: when we look at our partner in their trauma and

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Speaker 2: go oh like, when we have that empathy for them

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Speaker 2: and can see them through that lens, it does remove

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Speaker 2: the need to get so defensive or angry, which I

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Speaker 2: think is our go to a lot of times because

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Speaker 2: we weren't taught anything different. And I know, like for

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Speaker 2: me specifically, I'm in a relationship now where we have

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Speaker 2: that capacity and it's been the deepest intimacy that I've

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Speaker 2: ever been able to build with someone because we can

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Speaker 2: make repair when things come up. It's not that things

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Speaker 2: don't come up, it's that when they come up, we're

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Speaker 2: able to look at each other through an empathetic lens,

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Speaker 2: take away the this is about me or personalization of things,

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Speaker 2: and then that carries over into all other aspects of

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Speaker 2: our relationship. So when people are doing these processes, I

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Speaker 2: guess I just the point I'm trying to make for

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Speaker 2: listeners is they're all so connected, right, and if we don't,

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Speaker 2: if we leave one piece.

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Speaker 4: Out of that puzzle, we see.

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Speaker 2: It as, oh, we're not having sex anymore, But really

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Speaker 2: it's like the big circle of all those things we've

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Speaker 2: just mentioned.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, so I think and I think it might be

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Speaker 3: I'm going to be a little bit stubborn here, you know. Okay,

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Speaker 3: sure it might be that that's I do think that

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Speaker 3: like learning how to do repair and relationship is super

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Speaker 3: super important, So okay, yeah, kind of like foundational to

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Speaker 3: be able to go deeper in the other places as well, right, learning,

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Speaker 3: because that teaches you that you can be vulnerable and

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Speaker 3: that will be okay with someone else, that you don't

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Speaker 3: have to be you don't have to tiptoe around each other,

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Speaker 3: you don't have to be perfect all the time, and

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Speaker 3: like you know, but what also might happen even if

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Speaker 3: those things are ironed up and you know, you have

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Speaker 3: repair in the system, that you just have really different

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Speaker 3: core desires, like different things turn you on. And that's

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Speaker 3: another thing that we don't learn anywhere because we have

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Speaker 3: an idea like, oh, exactly, if you love each other,

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Speaker 3: you're immediately can to have great sex. But some people

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Speaker 3: really love each other and have great repair and don't

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Speaker 3: have resentment, and they still don't have great sex because

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Speaker 3: it's not like you know, it's not like it's not

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Speaker 3: a step, it's a good fu but it's not guarantee

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Speaker 3: that they will have good sex because good sex require

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Speaker 3: other tools in addition to those tools, which is really

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Speaker 3: understanding that what turns you on and what turns me

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Speaker 3: on might be different things that might not be compatible.

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Speaker 3: And we spend a lot, many many hours in the

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Speaker 3: practices helping people break down all the details around what

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Speaker 3: is it that turns them on and help to communicate,

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Speaker 3: like really build a menu of like both the feelings

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Speaker 3: they want to feel, which we call like you know,

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Speaker 3: like literally core desires, and also like why bother having sex? Right?

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Speaker 3: And also and then like all the acts that go

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Speaker 3: with it, but not only acts, maybe the awards that

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Speaker 3: go with it. They're like you know, like intentional touch

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Speaker 3: that goes with it, and it can look very different

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Speaker 3: than what we see in the movies. So we really

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Speaker 3: help people expend that, you know, the menu, and help

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Speaker 3: them look at sex is something that's like not such

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Speaker 3: one size fits all, but it's very unique to who

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Speaker 3: you are.

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Speaker 2: Well, you mentioned pore desire, So for the listeners, how

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Speaker 2: do we figure out what our core desires are?

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Speaker 6: That's a great question.

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Speaker 5: We spend a lot of time, I'm tar about that

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Speaker 5: writing books about it. We wrote Coming Together that's all

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Speaker 5: about how do you find your core desires? But so

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Speaker 5: often it's actually like going into your fantasies or like

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Speaker 5: the hottest sex you've ever had, and really thinking like

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Speaker 5: what does this make me feel? And when I say

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Speaker 5: what does it make me feel? Does it make me

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Speaker 5: feel loved? Adored, scene, punished, degraded? Right, Because there's all

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Speaker 5: like all of those things can be really hot for people,

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Speaker 5: and I think we have judgments, Oh, these are the

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Speaker 5: good ones and these are the bad ones. Right Honestly, really,

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Speaker 5: when people are doing those things with agency and they're deciding,

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Speaker 5: like it really turns me on when I've been a bad,

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Speaker 5: bad girl and someone punishes me. To be able to

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Speaker 5: like fully deshamify that and ask for it and say

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Speaker 5: exactly what kind of punishment feels the best for you?

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Speaker 5: You know, like it can be quite specific, and so

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Speaker 5: working with clients to get to the precision of what

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Speaker 5: the real turn off are and then be able to

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Speaker 5: shamelessly share them with a partner and think like, maybe

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Speaker 5: my partner's going to do this or not, maybe they're

401
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Speaker 5: going to be able to or not, But at least

402
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Speaker 5: I know what I want and I can ask for

403
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Speaker 5: it without shame, and I can also hear my partner's

404
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Speaker 5: desires which might be completely different than mine and not

405
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Speaker 5: you know, shame them or but see Okay, So how

406
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Speaker 5: do we find compatibility here? Because I know, like sometimes

407
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Speaker 5: people will come into my office and it's like two

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Speaker 5: dominants or two submissives, and it's two dominants. You see

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Speaker 5: them like struggling, like who's who's in charge here? I

410
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Speaker 5: want to They're like, nobody never does anything you have

411
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Speaker 5: to work with. Sometimes that's just like a very like yeah,

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Speaker 5: understandable example of what can go wrong in those So

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Speaker 5: you can fall completely in love with someone in the

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Speaker 5: and be like, uh oh, there's no one doing anything here.

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Speaker 2: So that's what you're talking about when you say core

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Speaker 2: desires can be contradicting each other, like they can be

417
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Speaker 2: not compatible. What do you do if you find yourself

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Speaker 2: in that situation?

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Speaker 4: Though?

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Speaker 2: If you're thinking, I love my husband so much, but

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Speaker 2: our core desires are completely off, what do we do?

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Speaker 3: First? We really work with them to try and see

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Speaker 3: maybe there is some sort of compatibility they didn't think about.

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Speaker 3: So we use a lot of creativity and see, Like

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Speaker 3: you know, because sometimes it's okay if you fantasize about

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Speaker 3: something but you know touch in some way, but you

427
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Speaker 3: keep playing the stuff in the back of your mind

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Speaker 3: that keeps you going. So we try to see if

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Speaker 3: there are ways to find compatibility in ways that they

430
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Speaker 3: did not think about, right, And you know, like we

431
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Speaker 3: got very creative over time, and I love it. It's

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Speaker 3: for me. It's like a nice puzzle. It's like, Okay,

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Speaker 3: maybe you gonna try and do this and you're gonna

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Speaker 3: try to do something else and it can work together.

435
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Speaker 3: But in addition, sometimes we if that doesn't work, you know,

436
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Speaker 3: we tried all the bridging in the world and didn't work,

437
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Speaker 3: we try to say, okay, maybe you're gonna be okay

438
00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:05,680
Speaker 3: taking turns and one of you one time we play

439
00:21:05,680 --> 00:21:08,119
Speaker 3: one movie, the other time we're going to play the

440
00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:10,800
Speaker 3: other person's movie, and that allows them to kind of

441
00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:13,240
Speaker 3: get their sex some of the time, the sex that

442
00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:15,280
Speaker 3: they want some of the time, and that might be enough.

443
00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:21,160
Speaker 3: And if that doesn't work, yeah.

444
00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:21,600
Speaker 4: She's pausing.

445
00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:27,520
Speaker 2: Maybe it's not a compatible relationship. Am I reading that right?

446
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:30,639
Speaker 3: Maybe it's not a compatible relationship. And then we start

447
00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:33,639
Speaker 3: to be creative about other options that can be available.

448
00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:36,919
Speaker 3: Sometimes people, you know, find ways to outsource some of

449
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:40,080
Speaker 3: their desires. Sometimes they say, Okay, I just want to

450
00:21:40,119 --> 00:21:42,879
Speaker 3: be able to maybe talk my fantasies with you, and

451
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:47,040
Speaker 3: maybe you know, like watch porn or you know, some

452
00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:50,440
Speaker 3: people want to open their relationship. You know, some people

453
00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:53,439
Speaker 3: are born to be polyamorous, and some people want to

454
00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:56,000
Speaker 3: open their relationship because they want to play out their

455
00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:59,200
Speaker 3: sexual movies in a way that really fulfills them. So

456
00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:01,840
Speaker 3: they're you know, and some people say, okay, this is

457
00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:03,520
Speaker 3: a make it to break it for me, and I

458
00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:05,639
Speaker 3: don't want to live in that relationship. So you know,

459
00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:09,920
Speaker 3: all the options are possible and available, so we put

460
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:11,000
Speaker 3: them all on the table.

461
00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:15,280
Speaker 2: So you mentioned the word shame, and I'm thinking, with

462
00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:18,360
Speaker 2: some of these examples you've even given, I can't imagine

463
00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:22,439
Speaker 2: that everyone would be able to tolerate those conversations. And

464
00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:26,680
Speaker 2: then also the jealousy piece. So if people are listening

465
00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:29,159
Speaker 2: and they are in long term relationships. We had an

466
00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:31,560
Speaker 2: expert one a couple weeks ago talking about how to

467
00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:34,600
Speaker 2: fire up your relationship. If you know, you had been

468
00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:37,320
Speaker 2: in a long term relationship things had gotten stale, how

469
00:22:37,320 --> 00:22:39,280
Speaker 2: do you fire it up? But what if you're trying

470
00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:41,119
Speaker 2: to fire it up. You're coming to these kind of

471
00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:44,200
Speaker 2: conversations like you're saying, and someone's like, oh, I want

472
00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:48,040
Speaker 2: to introduce a third party, and the other person just

473
00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:51,760
Speaker 2: loses it. How do you keep safety within the relationship

474
00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:54,560
Speaker 2: while exploring your individual desires?

475
00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:55,640
Speaker 6: Right?

476
00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:57,439
Speaker 5: I mean, I think some people can handle it and

477
00:22:57,480 --> 00:22:59,560
Speaker 5: some people can't. And sometimes you need to do a

478
00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:01,960
Speaker 5: lot of work, or if you're opening your relationship, you

479
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:03,919
Speaker 5: need to do a lot of work to like reassure

480
00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:06,639
Speaker 5: your partner. But again, it's not for everyone, you know.

481
00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:10,159
Speaker 5: Monogamy isn't for everyone. Polyamory isn't for everyone, you know.

482
00:23:10,240 --> 00:23:13,040
Speaker 5: And sometimes one person in a relationship is Mono and

483
00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:15,640
Speaker 5: the other one is Polly, and that's actually quite challenging.

484
00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:19,199
Speaker 5: But you know, again, we have worked with couples like

485
00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:22,040
Speaker 5: that and tried to help them. Sometimes people really love

486
00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:24,280
Speaker 5: each other and they really want to stay together, and

487
00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:28,239
Speaker 5: they're willing to be experimental and push and grow some

488
00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:30,720
Speaker 5: of those edges that are more challenging in order to

489
00:23:30,760 --> 00:23:32,879
Speaker 5: do that. And sometimes people are like, Nope, that doesn't

490
00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:35,119
Speaker 5: work for me. For us, it's not like we have

491
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:37,680
Speaker 5: any we don't have any judgment about what people choose.

492
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:40,679
Speaker 5: We really try to help them solve the problem in

493
00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:43,000
Speaker 5: a way that works for both of them, that feels right,

494
00:23:43,359 --> 00:23:45,080
Speaker 5: and there can be lots of shame. Like one of

495
00:23:45,080 --> 00:23:47,159
Speaker 5: the things we've really set up in our office is like,

496
00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:49,120
Speaker 5: if we're going to have one of these conversations where

497
00:23:49,119 --> 00:23:51,919
Speaker 5: people are asking for something quite vulnerable and scary like that,

498
00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:54,160
Speaker 5: to help to say, like, you don't have to sign

499
00:23:54,240 --> 00:23:56,080
Speaker 5: up for anything that you don't want to sign up for,

500
00:23:56,440 --> 00:23:58,480
Speaker 5: We're just going to have a conversation here. People are

501
00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:00,840
Speaker 5: going to say what they want and then you know,

502
00:24:00,920 --> 00:24:03,040
Speaker 5: really de shamify it, but then say, but you still

503
00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:05,880
Speaker 5: get to negotiate it and decide together what works for you,

504
00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:09,080
Speaker 5: whether it's a particular desire or whether it's like a

505
00:24:09,119 --> 00:24:10,680
Speaker 5: different relationship structure.

506
00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:14,040
Speaker 2: How does trauma tie into all of that too? Though,

507
00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:16,000
Speaker 2: I'm like going back to all of it and it

508
00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:19,320
Speaker 2: just feels so connected to me, Like sometimes I'm wondering

509
00:24:19,359 --> 00:24:22,560
Speaker 2: if our sexual desires are even driven by the trauma

510
00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:25,919
Speaker 2: we experienced in early childhood. Okay, you're saying yes, so

511
00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:27,240
Speaker 2: can you talk more about that?

512
00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:31,720
Speaker 3: You got it, Kelly love it. Yes it is, And

513
00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:33,879
Speaker 3: I think I think that's the thing that people don't

514
00:24:34,119 --> 00:24:37,480
Speaker 3: know that we don't get to choose our desires. That's

515
00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:40,359
Speaker 3: not something and I think it's also very deshamifying when

516
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:42,720
Speaker 3: they start hearing like, you know, like I did not

517
00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:45,760
Speaker 3: get to choose my life experiences. You do not get

518
00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:49,520
Speaker 3: to choose your life experience. But those life experiences shape

519
00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:52,120
Speaker 3: our turn ons because it's like if you think about,

520
00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:56,080
Speaker 3: you know, how kids play like imaginary game when they're

521
00:24:56,080 --> 00:24:59,760
Speaker 3: like younger. Right, So in our adult life, we play

522
00:24:59,800 --> 00:25:04,280
Speaker 3: with sexuality as a way to really work out stuff

523
00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:07,560
Speaker 3: that kind of like we did not resolve, and they

524
00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:10,280
Speaker 3: created like the biggest template on our lives and our

525
00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:14,719
Speaker 3: emotional lives. Right. So if someone experienced trauma, it is

526
00:25:14,920 --> 00:25:17,960
Speaker 3: very likely that their turn ons are going to be

527
00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:21,320
Speaker 3: somehow related to it. Okay. They might want to go

528
00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:24,200
Speaker 3: and get away from the trauma and not play any

529
00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:27,320
Speaker 3: near it at all, Okay, And they might want to

530
00:25:27,359 --> 00:25:30,479
Speaker 3: not play with fantasies or just do some sort of

531
00:25:30,560 --> 00:25:36,320
Speaker 3: like embodiment practices or like stay away from direct physical touch.

532
00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:39,520
Speaker 3: And they developed some sort of like other practices, and

533
00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:41,440
Speaker 3: we can talk a little bit about what that can

534
00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:46,320
Speaker 3: look like. And sometimes they really get excited. They're not

535
00:25:46,359 --> 00:25:48,280
Speaker 3: getting so excited at the beginning, because part of the

536
00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:50,439
Speaker 3: work is to help them see the connection and to

537
00:25:50,600 --> 00:25:54,680
Speaker 3: embrace if they want to, the fantasies that might come

538
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:59,200
Speaker 3: up that might mimic the experiences that they had around trauma.

539
00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:02,280
Speaker 3: But then now when they get to play it out,

540
00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:05,800
Speaker 3: if they choose to do it in that way, they

541
00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:09,359
Speaker 3: have agency to do it. So they have the power

542
00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:12,520
Speaker 3: to choose to do it and the power to say like,

543
00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:14,600
Speaker 3: now I want to start, you know, like they get

544
00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:17,760
Speaker 3: to play with different kinds of aspects of the trauma,

545
00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:20,000
Speaker 3: and that's what makes it so healing.

546
00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:24,600
Speaker 2: That's experiential, right for anyone who still might not be processing, Like,

547
00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:29,200
Speaker 2: if you're actually living something out, it does rewire your brain.

548
00:26:29,359 --> 00:26:32,640
Speaker 2: So in sex, I've never talked about this in this way,

549
00:26:32,680 --> 00:26:35,320
Speaker 2: so this is very interesting to me. But in sex,

550
00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:38,200
Speaker 2: is it that if something comes up as a desire

551
00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:40,840
Speaker 2: and we go, wait, why am I thinking about that?

552
00:26:40,880 --> 00:26:43,320
Speaker 2: Why am I fantasizing about that? That's something that happens

553
00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:47,399
Speaker 2: to me forever ago. Is it a healing practice to

554
00:26:47,680 --> 00:26:49,919
Speaker 2: then take your power back and live it out as

555
00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:52,560
Speaker 2: an adult with a choice? Does that is that connected?

556
00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:53,400
Speaker 6: Yeah?

557
00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:56,359
Speaker 5: So much healing can happen in erotic situations. And I

558
00:26:56,359 --> 00:26:58,800
Speaker 5: think you know, so much of kind of BDSM and

559
00:26:58,880 --> 00:27:01,800
Speaker 5: kink practices are sort of founded on this idea, like,

560
00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:07,119
Speaker 5: let's actually explore those darker sides of our erotic desires

561
00:27:07,119 --> 00:27:09,000
Speaker 5: that might have been shaped by things that happened to

562
00:27:09,119 --> 00:27:10,240
Speaker 5: us that were really bad.

563
00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:11,919
Speaker 6: But now we're saying, okay.

564
00:27:12,080 --> 00:27:14,919
Speaker 5: I'm in charge, right, Like, I'm going to shape this

565
00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:17,359
Speaker 5: the way that I want to with another consenting adult

566
00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:20,240
Speaker 5: who cares about me and my feelings and my boundaries.

567
00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:21,440
Speaker 6: And I'm gonna have a safe.

568
00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:23,840
Speaker 5: Word and we're gonna play with whatever it is punishment

569
00:27:23,960 --> 00:27:27,040
Speaker 5: or degradation or you know, whatever the play is that

570
00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:29,480
Speaker 5: they want to do. But they have choice and they

571
00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:31,720
Speaker 5: have power in the situation. And there's something about that

572
00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:34,240
Speaker 5: that's like that bad thing happened to me, but now

573
00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:37,480
Speaker 5: I can reshape it. It's also really rousing, but I

574
00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:39,879
Speaker 5: can reshape it in a way that's like this is

575
00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:40,199
Speaker 5: for me.

576
00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:41,639
Speaker 6: I'm taking this back.

577
00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:45,840
Speaker 5: It's towards my pleasure, my orgasms, you know, instead of

578
00:27:45,880 --> 00:27:48,560
Speaker 5: towards someone else not caring about me and doing things

579
00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:49,520
Speaker 5: to me that weren't good.

580
00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:52,240
Speaker 6: It's like, now this becomes about me and for me.

581
00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:56,600
Speaker 2: Right, I can also see where that could be where

582
00:27:56,640 --> 00:27:59,280
Speaker 2: the importance of communication with your partner all of this

583
00:27:59,320 --> 00:28:01,840
Speaker 2: stuff time, Like I feel all of those things that

584
00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:05,520
Speaker 2: we talked about would be really important. And then also

585
00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:10,040
Speaker 2: if you are getting triggered by your partner's desires, maybe

586
00:28:10,040 --> 00:28:12,600
Speaker 2: even having that awareness of like this is coming from

587
00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:15,280
Speaker 2: their past and like it's almost like I'm participating in

588
00:28:15,320 --> 00:28:18,159
Speaker 2: a healing tool with them to help them do that

589
00:28:18,880 --> 00:28:20,440
Speaker 2: and maybe remove some of the judgment.

590
00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:23,320
Speaker 3: Yeah, one hundred percent. I had a couple I worked

591
00:28:23,320 --> 00:28:27,440
Speaker 3: with and she was molested as a child and her

592
00:28:27,480 --> 00:28:30,960
Speaker 3: partner was the sweetest man ever. He just wanted to

593
00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:33,960
Speaker 3: please her. He was so sweet, and she wanted to

594
00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:36,800
Speaker 3: be used because it was part of the experience that

595
00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:39,560
Speaker 3: she experienced. So but now she that turned her on.

596
00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:42,520
Speaker 3: We worked an understanding where it's coming from, and that

597
00:28:42,760 --> 00:28:45,040
Speaker 3: was very arousing for her. And he was just like,

598
00:28:45,120 --> 00:28:46,800
Speaker 3: oh my god, I can't do it to you. It's

599
00:28:46,840 --> 00:28:49,680
Speaker 3: like breaks my heart. I can't do I can't be

600
00:28:49,760 --> 00:28:53,320
Speaker 3: the perpetrator. I cannot do repetition. And I was like, Okay,

601
00:28:53,440 --> 00:28:56,840
Speaker 3: let's let's explore now that you know we talked about

602
00:28:56,880 --> 00:28:58,920
Speaker 3: and it's like, now that you understand that she actually

603
00:28:59,000 --> 00:29:02,040
Speaker 3: wants it, and she can stop you in any moment

604
00:29:02,200 --> 00:29:04,720
Speaker 3: if something doesn't feel good and you want to give

605
00:29:04,760 --> 00:29:07,320
Speaker 3: her pleasure, Let's see if there's a part of you

606
00:29:07,360 --> 00:29:10,680
Speaker 3: that want to be dominant, you know, and you want

607
00:29:10,720 --> 00:29:13,160
Speaker 3: to kind of play with your part with the parts

608
00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:16,240
Speaker 3: of you that want to like be in control. And

609
00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:19,960
Speaker 3: he stepped into it, and they like had fantastic sex

610
00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:23,120
Speaker 3: life after that part was described and you know, kind

611
00:29:23,120 --> 00:29:26,440
Speaker 3: of broken into details, and of course we workshopped some

612
00:29:26,920 --> 00:29:28,800
Speaker 3: parts of it. You know, you don't just like jump

613
00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:31,080
Speaker 3: into a scene and you just understand and that means

614
00:29:31,120 --> 00:29:33,040
Speaker 3: you know how to do it perfectly, right, they're like

615
00:29:33,480 --> 00:29:37,120
Speaker 3: stepping stones, so they needed to understand why it's happening.

616
00:29:37,240 --> 00:29:39,200
Speaker 3: Then the next step would be, like let's try a

617
00:29:39,200 --> 00:29:41,800
Speaker 3: little segment and see if the tone is right. Let's

618
00:29:41,800 --> 00:29:44,760
Speaker 3: make sure that you know when she's consenting and when

619
00:29:44,760 --> 00:29:47,360
Speaker 3: she says that she's done. You know, like he needed

620
00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:49,520
Speaker 3: to feel safe around that because he really didn't want

621
00:29:49,520 --> 00:29:52,440
Speaker 3: to harm her. And then how do you keep playing

622
00:29:52,480 --> 00:29:54,520
Speaker 3: it out? And we did, like you know, try it

623
00:29:54,600 --> 00:29:57,200
Speaker 3: out and workshopped and we got there.

624
00:29:58,040 --> 00:30:01,080
Speaker 2: I'm curious, did her desire to change after they actually

625
00:30:01,080 --> 00:30:03,200
Speaker 2: lived it out a couple times or did it always

626
00:30:03,200 --> 00:30:03,760
Speaker 2: stay the same.

627
00:30:04,040 --> 00:30:06,240
Speaker 3: Oh, I know she wanted more and more of it, Okay.

628
00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:10,760
Speaker 2: I was just curious how our brains work, because obviously,

629
00:30:11,120 --> 00:30:13,240
Speaker 2: if that's how we had sex the first time or

630
00:30:13,280 --> 00:30:16,200
Speaker 2: in childhood, maybe that is what we associate with the

631
00:30:16,240 --> 00:30:18,640
Speaker 2: feel good emotions and all of that stuff. But then

632
00:30:18,640 --> 00:30:21,640
Speaker 2: I just didn't know if it would change after we

633
00:30:21,680 --> 00:30:22,400
Speaker 2: lived that out.

634
00:30:22,880 --> 00:30:25,000
Speaker 6: No, I think the healing comes from the agency.

635
00:30:25,680 --> 00:30:28,000
Speaker 4: Oh, okay, taking your power back about it.

636
00:30:28,080 --> 00:30:30,640
Speaker 5: Yeah, exactly, this is my choice, and so you know,

637
00:30:30,680 --> 00:30:33,560
Speaker 5: the sort of the erotic connections are already made and

638
00:30:33,560 --> 00:30:36,480
Speaker 5: that's going to be pernon comes from. But it's like

639
00:30:36,760 --> 00:30:39,440
Speaker 5: now she gets to choose, you know. And then then

640
00:30:39,480 --> 00:30:42,680
Speaker 5: she feels really actually taken care of by her partner

641
00:30:42,720 --> 00:30:46,360
Speaker 5: because he is accepting and seeing what it is, even

642
00:30:46,400 --> 00:30:48,520
Speaker 5: though like for her because it's kind of lonely if

643
00:30:48,560 --> 00:30:51,080
Speaker 5: you think about it, if those are your fantasies, if

644
00:30:51,080 --> 00:30:52,760
Speaker 5: you want to be used, and then you know your

645
00:30:52,800 --> 00:30:55,080
Speaker 5: partner's coming with all this romance and sweetness, and you're like,

646
00:30:55,120 --> 00:30:56,880
Speaker 5: that's wonderful, and I know how much you love me,

647
00:30:56,920 --> 00:31:00,560
Speaker 5: But it's like doesn't touch what I need. You feel

648
00:31:00,600 --> 00:31:04,560
Speaker 5: alone and like misunderstood and maybe like a little bit ashamed,

649
00:31:04,920 --> 00:31:07,400
Speaker 5: and we are on this sort of darker side of

650
00:31:07,400 --> 00:31:09,800
Speaker 5: the spectrum. And when you can come out about them

651
00:31:09,840 --> 00:31:12,600
Speaker 5: and you feel seen and you have agency and your

652
00:31:12,600 --> 00:31:14,960
Speaker 5: partner's giving you what you want, it's like this deep

653
00:31:15,440 --> 00:31:18,920
Speaker 5: intimacy where you're not alone in those thoughts anymore, and

654
00:31:18,920 --> 00:31:20,920
Speaker 5: you're not alone in those fantasies anymore.

655
00:31:21,440 --> 00:31:25,160
Speaker 3: That makes and not only that, what I see is

656
00:31:25,200 --> 00:31:29,040
Speaker 3: actually people are willing to dive deeper and deeper into

657
00:31:29,320 --> 00:31:33,080
Speaker 3: more and more, you know, like intense experiences. They kind

658
00:31:33,080 --> 00:31:36,080
Speaker 3: of feel safe with their partners to go there because

659
00:31:36,080 --> 00:31:39,800
Speaker 3: they feel like, Okay, I can like dig deeper into

660
00:31:39,840 --> 00:31:43,560
Speaker 3: that experience. And every time another layer is being kind

661
00:31:43,560 --> 00:31:47,200
Speaker 3: of like healed and healed doesn't mean I don't want

662
00:31:47,200 --> 00:31:50,440
Speaker 3: to play it, No, I want to play harder, right right.

663
00:32:00,160 --> 00:32:04,000
Speaker 2: So I'm seeing now obviously how this would be very healing,

664
00:32:04,120 --> 00:32:06,360
Speaker 2: like we said, and then also just like the pleasure

665
00:32:06,400 --> 00:32:09,440
Speaker 2: piece of this, but is there also a connection between

666
00:32:09,480 --> 00:32:13,920
Speaker 2: sexual fulfillment and physical health? Like are there other things

667
00:32:13,920 --> 00:32:16,880
Speaker 2: that we can gain from doing this kind of work

668
00:32:17,080 --> 00:32:20,040
Speaker 2: and actually working with our partner to grow in these areas.

669
00:32:20,480 --> 00:32:23,600
Speaker 5: I have to tell you, Kelly, if I didn't have orgasms,

670
00:32:23,600 --> 00:32:25,000
Speaker 5: I don't know how it would face life.

671
00:32:25,040 --> 00:32:30,080
Speaker 4: Like I could see that.

672
00:32:29,680 --> 00:32:32,560
Speaker 6: Balance right right, Like it like balances.

673
00:32:32,640 --> 00:32:35,560
Speaker 5: My hormones releases all this oxytocin and.

674
00:32:35,560 --> 00:32:40,000
Speaker 2: Doorfis your nervous system out all the things.

675
00:32:39,120 --> 00:32:40,480
Speaker 6: Like, oh, I feel so much.

676
00:32:40,520 --> 00:32:45,200
Speaker 5: I feel healthier and younger, happier when I'm having regular

677
00:32:45,240 --> 00:32:47,840
Speaker 5: sex in my life, and like I'm a real miserable

678
00:32:47,880 --> 00:32:50,560
Speaker 5: person if I'm not, you know, because it does release

679
00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:53,720
Speaker 5: all of those hormones. It's also like actually amazing exercise,

680
00:32:54,320 --> 00:32:56,640
Speaker 5: and it just makes you feel more connected to yourself

681
00:32:56,680 --> 00:32:58,440
Speaker 5: and also bonded with your partner.

682
00:32:58,960 --> 00:33:00,560
Speaker 2: I know you guys talk a lot about the power

683
00:33:00,560 --> 00:33:04,320
Speaker 2: of erotic embodiment. Do women struggle here more than men?

684
00:33:05,080 --> 00:33:09,520
Speaker 3: Definitely? Again, like social messages again and again. And we're

685
00:33:09,520 --> 00:33:12,280
Speaker 3: supposed to be gatekeepers. We're not supposed to want to

686
00:33:12,320 --> 00:33:14,600
Speaker 3: have sex. You know, sex is not exactly for us.

687
00:33:14,640 --> 00:33:18,880
Speaker 3: It's mostly something that we give in exchange for stability

688
00:33:18,880 --> 00:33:23,280
Speaker 3: in relationship. It's not even like it's not spoken so outwardly,

689
00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:26,960
Speaker 3: but that's the message behind the scene and what it creates.

690
00:33:27,000 --> 00:33:29,600
Speaker 3: Is kind of like you know, slut shaming, all those things.

691
00:33:29,840 --> 00:33:34,080
Speaker 3: You know, it creates disconnect between women and their sexuality,

692
00:33:34,600 --> 00:33:37,000
Speaker 3: and they don't. They really kind of keep it for

693
00:33:37,480 --> 00:33:41,760
Speaker 3: the special relationship, the special moment, and they don't they

694
00:33:41,800 --> 00:33:45,640
Speaker 3: don't spend time cultivating it for themselves, for their own

695
00:33:45,880 --> 00:33:49,600
Speaker 3: like wellbeing and pleasure and for the ownline kind of

696
00:33:49,720 --> 00:33:52,400
Speaker 3: like you know, like a liveness. So one of the

697
00:33:52,440 --> 00:33:57,200
Speaker 3: practices that we really talk about and teach is decompartmentalization

698
00:33:57,320 --> 00:34:01,200
Speaker 3: of sexuality, which is kind of like learning to take

699
00:34:01,320 --> 00:34:06,920
Speaker 3: in sensations and sounds and pleasure and touch and win

700
00:34:07,080 --> 00:34:09,680
Speaker 3: the nature and you know, the way your clothes feel

701
00:34:09,719 --> 00:34:13,000
Speaker 3: and the way you know, the water on your body

702
00:34:13,080 --> 00:34:16,200
Speaker 3: feels when you shower, like all kinds of embodiment practices

703
00:34:16,600 --> 00:34:21,560
Speaker 3: that really teach people to take them deeply into their

704
00:34:22,200 --> 00:34:25,200
Speaker 3: you know, pelvic floor and into their genitals and to

705
00:34:25,280 --> 00:34:28,960
Speaker 3: start to like, you know, like feel the aliveness of

706
00:34:29,000 --> 00:34:34,200
Speaker 3: their pussy as the oracle, to feel the aliveness of

707
00:34:34,239 --> 00:34:37,680
Speaker 3: the body, the erotic self, and not just like you know,

708
00:34:37,719 --> 00:34:41,200
Speaker 3: our brains and not just some muscles. But like, my

709
00:34:41,600 --> 00:34:44,320
Speaker 3: pussy has a lot of wisdom for me. She tells

710
00:34:44,360 --> 00:34:47,480
Speaker 3: me when something feels good. She tells me if I

711
00:34:47,640 --> 00:34:50,520
Speaker 3: enjoy something, she tells me what car to buy, she

712
00:34:50,640 --> 00:34:51,680
Speaker 3: tells me what food I.

713
00:34:51,640 --> 00:34:52,240
Speaker 4: Want to eat.

714
00:34:52,520 --> 00:34:55,520
Speaker 3: She tells me, no, you don't want to connect with

715
00:34:55,520 --> 00:34:58,440
Speaker 3: that person, or say like yeah, yeah, you really want to,

716
00:34:58,640 --> 00:35:02,319
Speaker 3: you know. So she she's my oracle, and we really work,

717
00:35:02,480 --> 00:35:07,000
Speaker 3: especially with women, to embody this arousal and erotic self

718
00:35:07,520 --> 00:35:10,759
Speaker 3: and not just keep it so you know, segmented just

719
00:35:10,800 --> 00:35:14,319
Speaker 3: to the bedroom just for the specific relationship they're in.

720
00:35:15,080 --> 00:35:18,960
Speaker 2: I love that compartmentalization piece too, because I feel like

721
00:35:19,760 --> 00:35:22,359
Speaker 2: what you said is perfect, Like our society almost does

722
00:35:22,400 --> 00:35:25,680
Speaker 2: this like slut shaming thing if you go to the extreme.

723
00:35:25,680 --> 00:35:27,760
Speaker 2: But it's also because I don't know that we fully

724
00:35:27,840 --> 00:35:31,839
Speaker 2: have grasped owning that power. Like it's like it's not

725
00:35:31,920 --> 00:35:34,839
Speaker 2: necessarily maybe to go just give it away to anybody,

726
00:35:34,960 --> 00:35:37,720
Speaker 2: or it could be depending on what you are guided

727
00:35:37,760 --> 00:35:42,640
Speaker 2: to do, but like maybe these practices of the embodiment

728
00:35:42,760 --> 00:35:45,799
Speaker 2: piece and really like owning that part of our femininity.

729
00:35:45,840 --> 00:35:48,400
Speaker 2: I've found, like the order of gotten that is such

730
00:35:48,440 --> 00:35:52,759
Speaker 2: a big part of the feminine power to embrace the

731
00:35:52,800 --> 00:35:55,680
Speaker 2: erotic sides of us or even to say things like

732
00:35:56,000 --> 00:35:57,920
Speaker 2: I don't know how I would live without an orgas,

733
00:35:58,360 --> 00:36:01,000
Speaker 2: you know, like because we or often like some of

734
00:36:01,000 --> 00:36:04,920
Speaker 2: the messaging from my childhood at least is like women

735
00:36:04,960 --> 00:36:07,719
Speaker 2: can't really have orgasms or it's harder for women, and

736
00:36:07,760 --> 00:36:10,240
Speaker 2: so we don't really know how to tap into that desire,

737
00:36:10,360 --> 00:36:14,440
Speaker 2: that pleasure, that place. But when we do, it's interesting

738
00:36:14,440 --> 00:36:16,880
Speaker 2: how it's so all connected in our lives, like you

739
00:36:16,920 --> 00:36:19,080
Speaker 2: were talking about even when you're getting dressed, when you're

740
00:36:19,120 --> 00:36:22,279
Speaker 2: walking in the wind flow, like just even in communication.

741
00:36:22,360 --> 00:36:25,239
Speaker 2: So do you see a difference in women who have

742
00:36:25,360 --> 00:36:28,359
Speaker 2: embodied that versus maybe women who are still like, wait,

743
00:36:28,360 --> 00:36:31,280
Speaker 2: what this is? You know, I'm having sex with my husband,

744
00:36:31,280 --> 00:36:32,920
Speaker 2: but it's just so I can have sex with my

745
00:36:32,960 --> 00:36:34,560
Speaker 2: husband and get them off my back kind of thing.

746
00:36:35,040 --> 00:36:36,960
Speaker 5: Well, I do think that there is this idea that

747
00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:39,440
Speaker 5: we grew up with that having sex with people is

748
00:36:39,520 --> 00:36:42,640
Speaker 5: giving something away, like something precious or special or important

749
00:36:42,640 --> 00:36:44,840
Speaker 5: that we're supposed to keep. And I when I have sex,

750
00:36:44,880 --> 00:36:49,520
Speaker 5: I'm taking not giving anything away, you know, no matter

751
00:36:49,560 --> 00:36:52,920
Speaker 5: how many people or who I'm having sex with, I'm like, oh,

752
00:36:53,040 --> 00:36:55,439
Speaker 5: how do like I'm a generous lover. I'm not saying

753
00:36:55,480 --> 00:36:57,960
Speaker 5: that I'm not, but this is for my pleasure, and

754
00:36:58,040 --> 00:37:01,600
Speaker 5: I feel empowered when I'm having sex and I feel like,

755
00:37:02,160 --> 00:37:04,000
Speaker 5: you know, maybe you're done, but I've got a few

756
00:37:04,040 --> 00:37:05,960
Speaker 5: more in there. Let's get those fingers, you know what

757
00:37:05,960 --> 00:37:06,239
Speaker 5: I mean?

758
00:37:06,800 --> 00:37:07,040
Speaker 3: Right?

759
00:37:07,640 --> 00:37:09,320
Speaker 6: So, I do feel like if we go into.

760
00:37:09,120 --> 00:37:11,640
Speaker 5: Sex as women where we're just like, oh, men are

761
00:37:11,680 --> 00:37:13,960
Speaker 5: trying to take something away from us, and you know,

762
00:37:14,080 --> 00:37:16,719
Speaker 5: like it's like this struggle and instead of like, no,

763
00:37:16,920 --> 00:37:19,279
Speaker 5: I want to have sex for me because it feels good,

764
00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:22,279
Speaker 5: because it gives me something, then there's nothing that we're

765
00:37:22,280 --> 00:37:22,759
Speaker 5: giving away.

766
00:37:22,760 --> 00:37:24,400
Speaker 6: We're just building our power.

767
00:37:24,120 --> 00:37:27,920
Speaker 2: Center, right, And it goes back to it's then a choice.

768
00:37:28,239 --> 00:37:30,800
Speaker 2: Just like the healing aspects of like working through trauma

769
00:37:30,920 --> 00:37:34,200
Speaker 2: within that, I think it is about taking your power back. Well,

770
00:37:34,239 --> 00:37:37,200
Speaker 2: we mentioned this podcast will be coming out the week

771
00:37:37,239 --> 00:37:40,360
Speaker 2: of Valentine's Day, and you had said before the podcast

772
00:37:40,360 --> 00:37:42,000
Speaker 2: there were a couple things that maybe you could mention

773
00:37:42,080 --> 00:37:46,400
Speaker 2: to the listeners of practices to incorporate around this holiday,

774
00:37:46,800 --> 00:37:49,680
Speaker 2: or any tips that you guys might have for people

775
00:37:49,800 --> 00:37:53,080
Speaker 2: looking to expand their eroticism or anything like that. What

776
00:37:53,120 --> 00:37:54,120
Speaker 2: do you guys think about that?

777
00:37:54,880 --> 00:37:58,720
Speaker 3: Yeah, so we have we came up with amazing sexy

778
00:37:58,760 --> 00:38:02,120
Speaker 3: bundles for it's like people who want to do you know,

779
00:38:02,200 --> 00:38:05,080
Speaker 3: like want to cultivate embodiment for themselves. We have like

780
00:38:05,160 --> 00:38:07,600
Speaker 3: the Spiritual Bundle, when you kind of learn how to

781
00:38:07,960 --> 00:38:10,480
Speaker 3: bring embodiment into your body and kind of you know,

782
00:38:10,520 --> 00:38:15,080
Speaker 3: build this decompartmentalization of sexuality. We have like bundles for

783
00:38:15,200 --> 00:38:19,400
Speaker 3: couples to work and like learn each other's core desires

784
00:38:19,440 --> 00:38:22,560
Speaker 3: and see what turns each other on, learn how to

785
00:38:22,640 --> 00:38:25,960
Speaker 3: find what the hotoseexual movie is, and like what kind

786
00:38:26,000 --> 00:38:28,080
Speaker 3: of acts they want to have around it, and kind

787
00:38:28,080 --> 00:38:30,760
Speaker 3: of break it down to each other. We really teach

788
00:38:31,080 --> 00:38:33,960
Speaker 3: in those classes. It's like it's it's a class that

789
00:38:34,000 --> 00:38:36,160
Speaker 3: you can take on your phone and kind of share

790
00:38:36,160 --> 00:38:39,520
Speaker 3: with your partner, and it's really fun because it's broken down.

791
00:38:39,560 --> 00:38:43,480
Speaker 3: It's us talking and giving examples and demonstrating different kinds

792
00:38:43,560 --> 00:38:47,279
Speaker 3: of tools, like how to have conversations, how to talk

793
00:38:47,320 --> 00:38:49,920
Speaker 3: about your core desires, how to find what turns you on,

794
00:38:50,560 --> 00:38:53,880
Speaker 3: and like really kind of working on all those aspects.

795
00:38:54,360 --> 00:38:56,200
Speaker 4: That actually sounds like a fun game to me.

796
00:38:57,320 --> 00:39:00,400
Speaker 5: Oh my god, totally, Like let's like core desires today exactly.

797
00:39:01,960 --> 00:39:04,600
Speaker 5: There's two things that people can start to do right away.

798
00:39:05,200 --> 00:39:07,799
Speaker 6: Right now. One of them is their brain and one

799
00:39:07,840 --> 00:39:08,720
Speaker 6: of them is their body.

800
00:39:08,800 --> 00:39:11,120
Speaker 5: So as I've been talking about, one of them is

801
00:39:11,160 --> 00:39:13,560
Speaker 5: to think what do I want to feel during sex?

802
00:39:13,920 --> 00:39:15,319
Speaker 5: And if you need help with that then we go

803
00:39:15,440 --> 00:39:17,720
Speaker 5: much more deeply into it in the poor Desires class,

804
00:39:17,760 --> 00:39:19,960
Speaker 5: but actually thinking about like what are the feelings that

805
00:39:20,000 --> 00:39:22,440
Speaker 5: you want to have, and the other pieces what Danielle

806
00:39:22,480 --> 00:39:25,239
Speaker 5: was talking about, which is the embodiment piece. Start to

807
00:39:25,400 --> 00:39:29,120
Speaker 5: notice what things in your life feel good. In your body,

808
00:39:29,600 --> 00:39:32,040
Speaker 5: putting something in your mouth that tastes delicious, like a

809
00:39:32,080 --> 00:39:36,000
Speaker 5: piece of chocolate or fruit, like feeling the bath water

810
00:39:36,160 --> 00:39:39,160
Speaker 5: or the shower water like run down your body. Start

811
00:39:39,160 --> 00:39:42,920
Speaker 5: to pay attention to your erotic mind and your physiological

812
00:39:42,960 --> 00:39:46,880
Speaker 5: sensations of pleasure and arousal as like a way of

813
00:39:46,920 --> 00:39:49,080
Speaker 5: life as opposed to just something that you're doing in

814
00:39:49,120 --> 00:39:52,239
Speaker 5: the bedroom from everything else. Right like, So those are

815
00:39:52,280 --> 00:39:55,080
Speaker 5: some things that I think people can start to heat

816
00:39:55,200 --> 00:39:58,480
Speaker 5: up Valentine's date right away just concentrating on those.

817
00:39:59,200 --> 00:40:01,319
Speaker 2: I love that because I feel like we go through

818
00:40:01,840 --> 00:40:04,480
Speaker 2: our day without noticing any of that stuff, and all

819
00:40:04,520 --> 00:40:06,799
Speaker 2: of those things are right at our fingertips to just

820
00:40:07,640 --> 00:40:10,279
Speaker 2: go tap into. So that's a wonderful thing. You did

821
00:40:10,280 --> 00:40:13,480
Speaker 2: mention that you guys have three different books, Making Love Real,

822
00:40:13,600 --> 00:40:17,000
Speaker 2: Coming Together, and Confidence, So I will put those in

823
00:40:17,040 --> 00:40:18,840
Speaker 2: the description of the podcast for you guys if you

824
00:40:18,880 --> 00:40:21,319
Speaker 2: want to go check those out. We've also mentioned this

825
00:40:21,320 --> 00:40:25,040
Speaker 2: somatica institute where I'll link as well for these bundle

826
00:40:25,080 --> 00:40:27,399
Speaker 2: packages that you guys will be offering. But where else

827
00:40:27,400 --> 00:40:29,000
Speaker 2: can people find you if they want to keep up

828
00:40:29,000 --> 00:40:29,640
Speaker 2: with your work?

829
00:40:30,120 --> 00:40:33,680
Speaker 5: Well, sometimes people want to actually become coaches, and we

830
00:40:34,000 --> 00:40:36,400
Speaker 5: brain we trained and certified coaches. So if you're like,

831
00:40:36,440 --> 00:40:38,759
Speaker 5: you know what this sounds like, so me and I

832
00:40:38,760 --> 00:40:41,880
Speaker 5: want to help people in this arena, then yeah, Somdica

833
00:40:41,960 --> 00:40:44,600
Speaker 5: Institute dot com. You can become a coach and you

834
00:40:44,600 --> 00:40:46,760
Speaker 5: can help people. And many people have changed their career.

835
00:40:46,600 --> 00:40:47,960
Speaker 6: Because they're like, this is what I've been wanting to

836
00:40:48,000 --> 00:40:49,360
Speaker 6: do my whole life. I didn't even know it was

837
00:40:49,400 --> 00:40:50,799
Speaker 6: a thing. I can't believe it's out there.

838
00:40:50,960 --> 00:40:53,640
Speaker 5: So if you want to become a coach, I think

839
00:40:53,680 --> 00:40:55,600
Speaker 5: that's a you know, that's a great thing. And then

840
00:40:55,840 --> 00:40:57,840
Speaker 5: and then yeah, our website is just full of classes

841
00:40:57,880 --> 00:41:00,040
Speaker 5: and also sex coaching dot com if you want to

842
00:41:00,080 --> 00:41:02,319
Speaker 5: find a coach to work with one on one as

843
00:41:02,320 --> 00:41:04,920
Speaker 5: opposed to just taking a class. Then that's another option

844
00:41:05,160 --> 00:41:05,640
Speaker 5: as well.

845
00:41:06,200 --> 00:41:08,520
Speaker 3: And you can follow us, you know, on Instagram and

846
00:41:08,600 --> 00:41:10,840
Speaker 3: TikTok if we're going to have TikTok going on for

847
00:41:10,960 --> 00:41:19,120
Speaker 3: US America Institute, and you know on Instagram and on YouTube,

848
00:41:19,280 --> 00:41:21,799
Speaker 3: so you can find us and keep up with us.

849
00:41:21,840 --> 00:41:25,040
Speaker 3: And those classes are on learned dots, Somaerica dot com

850
00:41:25,160 --> 00:41:28,720
Speaker 3: and again there fun short classes that really can enhance

851
00:41:29,520 --> 00:41:32,080
Speaker 3: teach you step by step how to how to do

852
00:41:32,120 --> 00:41:36,400
Speaker 3: it all because we are experiential teachers, so people to

853
00:41:36,560 --> 00:41:37,239
Speaker 3: really do it.

854
00:41:38,360 --> 00:41:40,080
Speaker 2: Just like we talked we talked about at the beginning

855
00:41:40,080 --> 00:41:42,680
Speaker 2: of the podcast, it just feels like maybe we think

856
00:41:42,680 --> 00:41:44,799
Speaker 2: we should just know and if there's no shame in

857
00:41:44,880 --> 00:41:47,000
Speaker 2: not knowing, like we got to just go find the

858
00:41:47,040 --> 00:41:49,480
Speaker 2: tools or get the information we need.

859
00:41:50,440 --> 00:41:53,360
Speaker 5: Yeah, and I actually highly recommend the touch class because

860
00:41:54,160 --> 00:41:56,520
Speaker 5: learning how to give good touch that makes you tingle

861
00:41:56,560 --> 00:41:59,680
Speaker 5: all over your body and how to introduce touch to

862
00:41:59,760 --> 00:42:03,279
Speaker 5: our most erotic areas is a subtle art that not

863
00:42:03,400 --> 00:42:05,680
Speaker 5: everyone knows. So I think that's a great one for

864
00:42:05,760 --> 00:42:06,759
Speaker 5: Valentine's Day too.

865
00:42:07,800 --> 00:42:12,200
Speaker 2: Sounds like a really good Valentine's Day. Well, Thank you

866
00:42:12,200 --> 00:42:14,280
Speaker 2: guys so much for being here. I know the listeners

867
00:42:14,360 --> 00:42:16,640
Speaker 2: love these topics when I have them on, so I

868
00:42:16,719 --> 00:42:19,160
Speaker 2: really appreciate these conversations. I will put all of this

869
00:42:19,280 --> 00:42:22,560
Speaker 2: information that we just listed in the description of this

870
00:42:22,600 --> 00:42:24,560
Speaker 2: podcast for you guys, go do a.

871
00:42:24,600 --> 00:42:27,200
Speaker 4: Valentine's Day bundle. Why not? What do you have to lose?

872
00:42:27,239 --> 00:42:29,719
Speaker 4: It's the perfect time for that. Thank you again so much,

873
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Speaker 4: you guys, Thanks.

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Speaker 1: You, thanks for listening to the Velvet's Edge podcast with

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Speaker 1: Kelly Henderson, where we believe everyone has a little velvet

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Speaker 1: in a little edge. Subscribe for more conversations on life, style,

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Speaker 1: beauty and relationships. Search Velvet's Edge wherever you get your podcasts.