WEBVTT - Lovers and Friends 0:00:00.160 --> 0:00:03.120 Welcome to Carefully Reckless, the production of Our Heart Radio 0:00:03.240 --> 0:00:16.720 and the Black Effect. And just like that, we're back 0:00:16.760 --> 0:00:19.800 on the air. Welcome back to hat another carefully Reckless 0:00:19.840 --> 0:00:22.680 session with your girl. Just hilarious. Right, all right, we're 0:00:22.720 --> 0:00:25.840 gonna jump right in. This person wants to stay anonymous, 0:00:25.840 --> 0:00:28.240 and these are not voice notes. I'm gonna be reading 0:00:28.400 --> 0:00:31.240 these today. Here we go. Hey, Jess, I've been in 0:00:31.280 --> 0:00:33.919 my current relationship for six years now. I really love 0:00:34.000 --> 0:00:37.640 my boyfriend and who he is. He's funny, very social, 0:00:38.040 --> 0:00:40.479 he's smart, and he really pushes me to get out 0:00:40.479 --> 0:00:42.600 of my element and has taught me how to really 0:00:42.600 --> 0:00:45.479 relax and rest. I'm the kind of person who stays 0:00:45.560 --> 0:00:48.319 very busy in his multiple jobs, and it's always doing 0:00:48.360 --> 0:00:50.720 a lot to get my mind off of the bad 0:00:50.800 --> 0:00:54.280 in life that causes me to have anxiety. About six 0:00:54.320 --> 0:00:56.160 months ago, I broke up with him because there are 0:00:56.200 --> 0:00:58.959 things in the relationship that I have been asking from him, 0:00:59.000 --> 0:01:02.120 such as him taking large and taking lead with house 0:01:02.160 --> 0:01:06.040 projects and other aspects of our relationship. So I communicate 0:01:06.080 --> 0:01:08.880 what I need in a relationship and what is expected 0:01:08.920 --> 0:01:12.560 from my significant other, but he never stays consistent. He 0:01:12.680 --> 0:01:14.760 just does it for a little while and then stops. 0:01:15.240 --> 0:01:18.200 After expressing this to him, we decided to try and 0:01:18.240 --> 0:01:21.080 make it work. Now six months go by and I 0:01:21.120 --> 0:01:23.240 still have to be on his back to get anything done. 0:01:23.600 --> 0:01:26.520 He doesn't and doesn't put his full effort into it, 0:01:27.040 --> 0:01:28.880 so I have to go back and do it correctly 0:01:29.000 --> 0:01:31.840 or finish it off. From the start of the relationship, 0:01:31.920 --> 0:01:34.880 he's gotten better, but there's new things now because we 0:01:34.959 --> 0:01:38.560 grew and our environment changed. We aren't married and we 0:01:38.600 --> 0:01:41.280 don't have any kids, but we recently just got a 0:01:41.280 --> 0:01:43.880 house together, so the environment change, and of course there's 0:01:43.920 --> 0:01:47.800 a lot more responsibilities. But he's just not adjusting. I 0:01:47.840 --> 0:01:50.320 tell him how I feel, and he says he'll change, 0:01:50.360 --> 0:01:53.559 and that he feels like I'm criticizing everything he does 0:01:54.000 --> 0:01:56.840 and he's exhausted. This causes him to shut down too. 0:01:57.480 --> 0:01:59.280 Like I said, I love him and I don't want 0:01:59.360 --> 0:02:01.400 him to feel bad at about himself. I guess I 0:02:01.400 --> 0:02:03.600 don't know how to get my point across. I don't know. 0:02:04.240 --> 0:02:06.120 I'm just at the point where I'm tired of repeating 0:02:06.160 --> 0:02:08.000 myself and at the point where I just don't want 0:02:08.040 --> 0:02:10.639 to wait for him to get his things together anymore. 0:02:11.280 --> 0:02:14.120 Should I continue to wait and try to drill it 0:02:14.240 --> 0:02:16.600 in his head, or should I move on? It's been 0:02:16.680 --> 0:02:19.600 six years. Also, what I mean by shut down is 0:02:19.639 --> 0:02:22.200 he gets mad at me for criticizing him and stops 0:02:22.240 --> 0:02:24.840 talking to me completely. So he's mad at me for 0:02:24.960 --> 0:02:29.760 being mad Jesus Cross, all right, you're a little manipulating 0:02:30.120 --> 0:02:34.160 narcissistm No, Okay, I'm just just joking a little bit. Okay. 0:02:34.200 --> 0:02:36.160 So it sounds like he's very lazy. It sounds like 0:02:36.160 --> 0:02:38.280 you guys have been together for six years and he 0:02:38.280 --> 0:02:41.160 hasn't evolved, but you have. It sounds like you've been 0:02:41.720 --> 0:02:45.080 basically holding his hand up until this point. He'll do 0:02:46.000 --> 0:02:47.720 great for a little bit and then go right back 0:02:47.760 --> 0:02:49.720 into lazy mode. I'm gonna call it lazy because that's 0:02:49.760 --> 0:02:52.960 what it sounds like from your passage. It's very lazy. 0:02:53.200 --> 0:02:56.359 Have you ever talked to him about why he does this? 0:02:56.560 --> 0:02:59.880 Not so much telling him to do something, not so 0:03:00.160 --> 0:03:03.040 much being his mother, because that's exactly what you act 0:03:03.120 --> 0:03:05.200 as when you know. I can see how that happens. 0:03:05.200 --> 0:03:06.640 I can see how that happens. This happens with me 0:03:06.680 --> 0:03:09.600 and Jerome a lot. That's my son's father. I talk 0:03:09.760 --> 0:03:12.240 at him a lot because I get so angry because 0:03:12.240 --> 0:03:14.679 I'm like, yo, why aren't you making these manly decisions? 0:03:14.919 --> 0:03:17.399 Why are you just so irresponsible? Why can't you DoD 0:03:17.919 --> 0:03:20.000 Why this? Why that? Why that? So it kind of 0:03:20.480 --> 0:03:23.640 seems to him like I'm trying to play mommy like 0:03:23.680 --> 0:03:27.000 I'm his mother. But a man doesn't want a woman 0:03:27.000 --> 0:03:30.520 that actually acts like his mother or acts as if 0:03:30.560 --> 0:03:33.520 she is his mother. They want us to be submissive 0:03:33.520 --> 0:03:35.960 a little bit. But in your defense, you're like, how 0:03:36.000 --> 0:03:38.280 can I be submissive to someone who won't take lead, 0:03:38.480 --> 0:03:43.040 who won't initiate doing manly things, whether it's gender roles 0:03:43.120 --> 0:03:46.400 or not. It's like, yo, be a fucking man already. 0:03:46.960 --> 0:03:49.640 I totally understand where you're coming from, but I want 0:03:49.680 --> 0:03:51.840 you to kind of like get to the bottom of 0:03:51.880 --> 0:03:54.560 why he acts that way, if it's worth it to you. 0:03:54.560 --> 0:03:56.960 You know, six years is not a little bit of time. Baby. 0:03:57.000 --> 0:03:59.000 You've been dealing with this for six years. So there 0:03:59.040 --> 0:04:01.800 has been something I had to keep you around. You know, 0:04:01.880 --> 0:04:04.040 you said you're not married, you don't have children. There 0:04:04.080 --> 0:04:07.520 has to be something that keeps you, something that he does. Great, 0:04:08.000 --> 0:04:11.119 if you don't want to walk away, I never encourage 0:04:11.160 --> 0:04:15.240 someone to walk away from a relationship unless they're being abused, 0:04:15.360 --> 0:04:19.000 unless they're being hurt, unless they are being treated less 0:04:19.040 --> 0:04:21.440 than who they are, And here it doesn't really seem 0:04:21.480 --> 0:04:26.400 like that's the case. However, you do deserve better. You 0:04:26.440 --> 0:04:29.640 do need to have a better balance in your relationship. 0:04:29.720 --> 0:04:32.200 You can't be the breadwinner. You can't be the brains. 0:04:32.279 --> 0:04:34.559 You can't be you can't be the everything. You can't 0:04:34.560 --> 0:04:38.120 be the man in your relationship. You are the woman. Yeah, 0:04:38.120 --> 0:04:39.840 I think you should get to the bottom of that. 0:04:40.040 --> 0:04:43.000 Communication is key. I always say it and try not 0:04:43.120 --> 0:04:46.440 to talk at him so much, you know, because I 0:04:46.480 --> 0:04:50.160 do understand he gets upset with you for being upset 0:04:50.200 --> 0:04:52.719 with him, but it's probably the way you talk to him. 0:04:53.120 --> 0:04:55.640 Trust me, I've been in this situation, and while I'm 0:04:55.680 --> 0:05:00.280 not justifying his lacking in the relationship, be because he 0:05:00.320 --> 0:05:02.760 needs to do those things, you know, especially since you 0:05:02.760 --> 0:05:05.120 guys just brought home together, you guys just gotten to 0:05:05.160 --> 0:05:08.880 your first house. I'm assuming you know. I do feel 0:05:08.960 --> 0:05:12.640 that he may feel a sense of disrespect when you're 0:05:12.680 --> 0:05:16.360 talking to him, when you're constantly fussing and probably harping 0:05:16.360 --> 0:05:19.440 on on these things. But that's your frustration and that's 0:05:19.480 --> 0:05:21.680 probably the only way that you feel you can get 0:05:21.760 --> 0:05:25.919 through to him. So you've learned to express yourself in 0:05:25.960 --> 0:05:29.039 that manner, and that's not good either. So both of 0:05:29.040 --> 0:05:31.760 you need to sit down and have a civilized conversation 0:05:31.800 --> 0:05:33.560 and try to get to the bottom of what it 0:05:33.760 --> 0:05:36.679 is that he's going through. If he's going through something, 0:05:36.720 --> 0:05:38.560 you know he could just be regular playing old lazy, 0:05:38.600 --> 0:05:40.440 then you've got to get the hell up and leave babe. 0:05:40.760 --> 0:05:43.040 That's just what it is. You seem like you love him. 0:05:43.160 --> 0:05:44.960 You know, you didn't talk bad about him at all. 0:05:45.000 --> 0:05:47.320 You just are telling me what his flaws are and 0:05:47.680 --> 0:05:49.520 that kind of thing. Do you want children? Do you 0:05:49.520 --> 0:05:52.160 want marriage? Do you feel like that you've been girlfriend 0:05:52.160 --> 0:05:54.880 a boyfriend too long? Because in a relationship, when you 0:05:54.880 --> 0:05:57.599 get in a relationship, which I just recently learned in 0:05:57.720 --> 0:06:02.880 my previous relationship, you have to communicate exactly what it 0:06:02.920 --> 0:06:06.280 is you want from a relationship before diving into it. 0:06:06.800 --> 0:06:09.040 You have to know your partner. You have to know 0:06:09.120 --> 0:06:11.120 what they're going to accept, what they're willing to accept, 0:06:11.160 --> 0:06:13.159 what they are not willing to accept. And I think 0:06:13.200 --> 0:06:17.760 you accepting it for so long has conditioned him to 0:06:17.800 --> 0:06:20.000 be okay with what he does you know, I know 0:06:20.080 --> 0:06:21.880 she's just gonna fuss at me. I'm gonna just do 0:06:21.960 --> 0:06:24.160 this ship right now, and then I go back to 0:06:24.279 --> 0:06:26.520 who I really am. You know what I'm saying, So 0:06:26.960 --> 0:06:29.520 both of you, I'm not going to just deem one 0:06:29.560 --> 0:06:32.760 person as the wrong doer. You carry a lot of 0:06:32.760 --> 0:06:35.200 wrong in it as well, because you've allowed a lot 0:06:35.279 --> 0:06:38.920 of this for so long, babe. So it's all about 0:06:39.080 --> 0:06:41.479 how you want to move forward. Do you think it's 0:06:41.480 --> 0:06:44.840 worth staying with him? Do you feel like that that 0:06:44.880 --> 0:06:48.400 you're just so annoyed by what he does now that 0:06:48.440 --> 0:06:51.279 it's like, Yo, we've completely fucked this up so bad. 0:06:51.440 --> 0:06:54.200 I don't even see us reconciling. You know, I don't 0:06:54.240 --> 0:06:57.159 see reconciliation in our future. These are the questions that 0:06:57.200 --> 0:07:00.080 you have to ask yourself. But I definitely need you 0:07:00.160 --> 0:07:03.800 to try to see what his problem is. And like 0:07:03.839 --> 0:07:06.520 I said, don't talk at him, talk to him because 0:07:06.520 --> 0:07:08.919 he's another human being. But check back in with me. 0:07:09.000 --> 0:07:11.640 I hope that helped you. If you love me, you'll 0:07:11.640 --> 0:07:14.000 listen to this commercial and then we'll be right back 0:07:15.680 --> 0:07:19.120 and we are moving on. Hey, just love the podcast. 0:07:19.520 --> 0:07:22.320 Here's my dilemma I've been dealing with this guy since September. 0:07:22.480 --> 0:07:25.520 First couple of months, we were dating, sexually involved, and 0:07:25.560 --> 0:07:28.400 he was adjusting to a new work schedule, so the 0:07:28.480 --> 0:07:31.040 dates slowed down because he damned near only had one 0:07:31.080 --> 0:07:33.320 day off and he worked that night and I worked 0:07:33.320 --> 0:07:36.440 throughout the day. He didn't have weekends off like I did. 0:07:36.760 --> 0:07:39.560 I was understanding of that. I asked his intentions. He 0:07:39.640 --> 0:07:42.600 said he was dating to marry. I'm like, cool, we're 0:07:42.640 --> 0:07:45.080 on the same page. I ended up getting pregnant and 0:07:45.080 --> 0:07:47.120 we chose to terminate due to the fact that we 0:07:47.280 --> 0:07:49.360 just met and I didn't know for real if we 0:07:49.400 --> 0:07:52.600 saw each other in each other's lives long term. So 0:07:52.680 --> 0:07:55.600 after that, I thought we were still working toward a relationship. 0:07:55.680 --> 0:07:58.560 Though by January he got into some legal trouble. Then 0:07:58.600 --> 0:08:00.800 he came home and told me he had a baby 0:08:00.800 --> 0:08:03.480 on the way. He was dealing with her before the 0:08:03.520 --> 0:08:06.880 trouble happened, So now I'm like, damn, not only were 0:08:06.960 --> 0:08:10.520 you sexually involved with me, but her too. Wow. I 0:08:10.520 --> 0:08:12.280 have been on and off with this man since he 0:08:12.320 --> 0:08:15.120 told me he had a baby on the way. I'm like, okay, 0:08:15.240 --> 0:08:17.800 we weren't in a committed relationship when it happened. But 0:08:17.880 --> 0:08:19.880 I think the fact that we decided not to have 0:08:19.960 --> 0:08:23.000 a child together is still in my mind. Now he 0:08:23.080 --> 0:08:25.520 has a whole newborn. I have been trying to cut 0:08:25.520 --> 0:08:27.360 this man off, but I can't see him to do so. 0:08:28.040 --> 0:08:31.560 I've still been dating others, but no other connection compares 0:08:31.640 --> 0:08:34.280 to what we have. He keeps saying how bad he 0:08:34.320 --> 0:08:36.600 wants to be with me. He just plans on co 0:08:36.720 --> 0:08:39.080 parenting with the mother of his child. I need to 0:08:39.120 --> 0:08:42.000 hear from someone else's point of view. Should I try 0:08:42.080 --> 0:08:44.320 to work it out with this man or be done 0:08:44.679 --> 0:08:48.200 for good no matter how hard it may be. Okay, well, 0:08:48.200 --> 0:08:49.920 thank you for keeping it short. But that was a 0:08:49.960 --> 0:08:53.000 whole lot and a little bit of time baby. Okay, So, 0:08:53.880 --> 0:08:56.199 given the fact that there was no commitment, you guys 0:08:56.240 --> 0:08:58.680 just started off basically having sex and talking. There was 0:08:58.760 --> 0:09:03.840 no from your end, there was no exclusivity. He told 0:09:03.880 --> 0:09:06.880 you that he was dating to marry you. In return, 0:09:06.960 --> 0:09:09.720 didn't say that, I mean, unless you just didn't say 0:09:09.720 --> 0:09:12.800 that to me, But it seemed like you kind of 0:09:12.840 --> 0:09:15.120 didn't know, you know, you actually said it. You're like, 0:09:15.160 --> 0:09:16.880 I mean, I didn't know if we were really gonna 0:09:17.120 --> 0:09:19.720 be in each other's lives for a long period of time. 0:09:20.080 --> 0:09:23.600 Given that M hmm, I don't think that you could 0:09:23.600 --> 0:09:26.520 fault him so much for having a baby, because in 0:09:26.800 --> 0:09:28.720 all reality, at the end of the day, it was 0:09:28.760 --> 0:09:31.320 the other girl's decision to keep it. Um. Now, we 0:09:31.320 --> 0:09:33.080 don't know what he told her. He could have told 0:09:33.080 --> 0:09:35.440 her to get rid of it, he could have prompted 0:09:35.440 --> 0:09:37.200 her to keep it. Whatever. At the end of the day, 0:09:37.240 --> 0:09:40.839 it's the woman's decision. So let's just say she chose 0:09:40.880 --> 0:09:42.520 to have the baby and he just wants to compare 0:09:42.559 --> 0:09:45.360 it with her. Is he upfront and honest with you 0:09:45.440 --> 0:09:48.240 about everything? Did you have to find anything out that? 0:09:48.400 --> 0:09:50.480 Did you ever catch him in a lie? I mean, 0:09:51.000 --> 0:09:53.320 what are the facts? I mean? And and you can't 0:09:53.400 --> 0:09:58.559 question him having unprotected sex with someone else when you 0:09:58.600 --> 0:10:01.800 two barely knew each other and he was having unprotected 0:10:01.840 --> 0:10:04.520 sex with you. You have to question if he moves 0:10:04.559 --> 0:10:07.360 like this with me, why would he be exempt to 0:10:07.400 --> 0:10:10.360 move like this with anyone else. You understand what I'm saying, 0:10:10.679 --> 0:10:14.560 And you let that happen, you got pregnant, and you 0:10:14.600 --> 0:10:18.160 two chose to aboard for the right reason, of course, 0:10:18.280 --> 0:10:22.120 but that's still traumatizing to you now because he has 0:10:22.160 --> 0:10:24.800 a baby if it's going to be hard for you 0:10:24.880 --> 0:10:27.800 to get past, I would say stay oh way, because 0:10:27.840 --> 0:10:31.400 that's toxicity waiting to happen. If he keeps telling you 0:10:31.840 --> 0:10:33.920 how bad he wants to be with you, you know, 0:10:33.920 --> 0:10:36.720 when you want to be with him. I think you 0:10:36.760 --> 0:10:38.720 need some type of clarity because I feel like you 0:10:38.800 --> 0:10:41.840 feel that he already fucked up your trust a little bit, 0:10:42.120 --> 0:10:46.720 you know, but there was never any foundation established with 0:10:46.840 --> 0:10:49.640 you two. He got into legal trouble. I'm pretty sure 0:10:49.679 --> 0:10:51.040 he probably didn't know he had a baby on the 0:10:51.080 --> 0:10:54.080 way if that happened, you know, But the fact that 0:10:54.120 --> 0:10:56.000 the girl kept it, I don't know, that's in the 0:10:56.000 --> 0:10:57.480 red flag. I mean, because do you know him well 0:10:57.600 --> 0:10:59.959 enough to keep his baby? Now? There are girls out 0:11:00.000 --> 0:11:03.079 here who meet guys, have sex with him the same day, 0:11:03.080 --> 0:11:05.520 have babies. That's why there's a such thing as paternity court. 0:11:05.920 --> 0:11:08.400 But was this an ex girlfriend? I mean, I just 0:11:08.440 --> 0:11:12.880 need you to get all information that you can before 0:11:12.960 --> 0:11:16.680 you just obliged to be with him, you know, before 0:11:16.760 --> 0:11:18.400 you say, you know what, this is what I'm gonna do, 0:11:18.920 --> 0:11:22.160 because I think it's the trust factor for you. Now 0:11:22.360 --> 0:11:24.240 you know the fact that y'all got rid of y'all child, 0:11:24.240 --> 0:11:26.680 and he still ended up having one. And you said 0:11:26.720 --> 0:11:28.480 you talked to other people, but nothing compared to the 0:11:28.480 --> 0:11:31.000 connection that you two have. I'm not gonna tell you 0:11:31.000 --> 0:11:32.160 not to give it a try. I just want you 0:11:32.200 --> 0:11:34.800 to find out more information. There has to be an 0:11:34.800 --> 0:11:38.119 open and honest line of communication from here on out. Always. 0:11:38.679 --> 0:11:40.000 You know, you're always going to be in the back 0:11:40.000 --> 0:11:41.680 of your mind. Is he still sucking with his baby mother? 0:11:42.000 --> 0:11:44.160 Are they only co parenting? Is it? You know you're 0:11:44.160 --> 0:11:46.320 gonna think that way because of how the baby was made. 0:11:46.640 --> 0:11:48.720 You're always gonna have those questions. So I think that 0:11:48.800 --> 0:11:52.080 you need to leave reservation for your sanity as well 0:11:52.120 --> 0:11:54.080 before you just go and jump in a relationship with 0:11:54.120 --> 0:11:56.640 this guy. I'm not gonna tell you not to just move, 0:11:56.800 --> 0:12:00.320 move carefully, move slowly, but surely you know apps reolutely 0:12:00.320 --> 0:12:03.240 should be sure of yourself. Don't move too fast. You see, 0:12:03.280 --> 0:12:06.440 we're moving too fast? Got your ass? What a year ago? 0:12:06.960 --> 0:12:11.600 Pregnant and abhort it? Okay? Wayne? Doing that? And stop 0:12:11.720 --> 0:12:15.520 having sex with no condom? Oh yeah, and you are 0:12:15.559 --> 0:12:19.080 not in a relationship. We need to stop doing that. 0:12:19.160 --> 0:12:21.079 I'm gonna say we have done it as well. We 0:12:21.160 --> 0:12:24.880 need to stop doing that altogether. But you didn't ask 0:12:24.880 --> 0:12:27.440 for me to preach to you. You asked for the advice, 0:12:27.440 --> 0:12:29.960 and that was my advice. So check back in with me. 0:12:30.160 --> 0:12:32.520 Definitely check back in with me. Hold up, Hold up, 0:12:32.520 --> 0:12:34.640 I noticed ship getting good. But listen to just a 0:12:34.679 --> 0:12:36.600 couple of seconds of a commercial. If you love me, 0:12:36.640 --> 0:12:41.240 you'll listen last one of the day. Hey, jus love 0:12:41.280 --> 0:12:43.680 your podcast. Been a fan since the early days, and 0:12:43.679 --> 0:12:45.480 I just need some advice. So I am twenty three 0:12:45.520 --> 0:12:48.800 years old, no children. I'm currently in graduate school, a 0:12:48.800 --> 0:12:52.480 full time special education teacher, and preparing to take my 0:12:52.679 --> 0:12:54.920 l s a T so I can get accepted into 0:12:54.920 --> 0:12:57.199 the law school. The past few years, I've been dating 0:12:57.200 --> 0:13:00.760 my boyfriend, who has been my best friend and one 0:13:00.800 --> 0:13:03.400 of the only people I hang out with. More recently, 0:13:03.800 --> 0:13:06.199 I've decided to start hanging out with my female cousins, 0:13:06.200 --> 0:13:08.520 who are all around the same age as me or 0:13:08.559 --> 0:13:10.920 a couple of years older than I am, because I 0:13:10.960 --> 0:13:13.080 want to hang out with more girls. Out of the 0:13:13.120 --> 0:13:15.800 seven girls I hang with, only one, who was also 0:13:15.880 --> 0:13:18.120 my other best friend, is in a relationship and has 0:13:18.160 --> 0:13:20.640 been in a relationship just as the same amount of 0:13:20.679 --> 0:13:23.240 time as me. Many of them don't understand why I 0:13:23.280 --> 0:13:26.360 don't go out to clubs or don't do parties because 0:13:26.360 --> 0:13:28.800 of my relationship. If they go out to brunch or 0:13:28.840 --> 0:13:31.480 lunch or even dinner, or even go to a lounge, 0:13:31.559 --> 0:13:33.720 I show up, but anything else I do not show 0:13:33.800 --> 0:13:35.520 up to, they are saying that I am in a 0:13:35.520 --> 0:13:39.000 controlling relationship because I don't do these things, which, mind you, 0:13:39.240 --> 0:13:41.040 I have not been to a party or club since 0:13:41.040 --> 0:13:44.000 I was about nineteen because I've always been super serious 0:13:44.000 --> 0:13:46.760 about my education and pursuing my career. I don't think 0:13:46.800 --> 0:13:49.360 I am just preferred to respect my relationship and not 0:13:49.440 --> 0:13:51.440 go out working and hanging out with a whole bunch 0:13:51.440 --> 0:13:54.319 of niggas when I have a man at home. More recently, 0:13:54.360 --> 0:13:56.800 they have been inviting me to less and lass things 0:13:57.200 --> 0:13:59.600 because I haven't been showing up to overnight things or 0:13:59.640 --> 0:14:03.560 just things that I just personally don't do. Do you 0:14:03.600 --> 0:14:05.440 feel as though I am being a bad friend because 0:14:05.440 --> 0:14:08.680 of my busy schedules and me just not hanging out 0:14:08.720 --> 0:14:11.840 in certain spaces because it's not my type of energy 0:14:11.960 --> 0:14:13.920 or vibe. Do you think that I should just go 0:14:13.960 --> 0:14:16.080 out with them a couple of times just to get 0:14:16.120 --> 0:14:21.200 them off my back. Honey, Listen, No, I don't think 0:14:21.240 --> 0:14:25.360 that you should inconvenience yourself or make yourself uncomfortable at 0:14:25.400 --> 0:14:28.000 the expense of someone else, whether that be your man, 0:14:28.120 --> 0:14:31.560 whether it be your friends, whether if it, don't make 0:14:31.600 --> 0:14:35.280 yourself uncomfortable for nobody but your child, because sometimes being 0:14:35.320 --> 0:14:38.000 a parent can get like that. You know, it's not 0:14:38.040 --> 0:14:40.440 always fun being a parent. Your your children don't always 0:14:40.480 --> 0:14:43.480 put you in easy situations, and you're reading a whole 0:14:43.600 --> 0:14:46.880 human being. So just no going forward. That is the 0:14:46.920 --> 0:14:51.040 only time that you're supposed to or you're expected to 0:14:51.040 --> 0:14:54.640 make yourself uncomfortable, you know, for your damn child. Listen, 0:14:55.160 --> 0:14:57.880 if there is nothing going on at home, if he's 0:14:57.920 --> 0:15:00.760 not controlling you, if he's not abusive, if he's not 0:15:01.200 --> 0:15:04.280 possessive and obsessive with his girlfriend, you know, if he 0:15:04.280 --> 0:15:08.040 don't have Alicia around your damn nick girl, you are 0:15:08.080 --> 0:15:12.160 totally entitled to respect your man. I mean he respects you, 0:15:12.240 --> 0:15:15.120 DON'TI you don't have no issues when he ain't club hopping, 0:15:15.160 --> 0:15:18.360 it's working on bar stands and all that. Not that 0:15:18.400 --> 0:15:20.760 you said all that, but I'm just saying. They are 0:15:21.160 --> 0:15:24.920 single women, so they're living according to their dating status there. 0:15:24.920 --> 0:15:26.480 That's how they You know, it's nothing wrong with that 0:15:26.600 --> 0:15:30.000 going out popping your booty and taking shots, and you know, 0:15:30.240 --> 0:15:34.200 the nightlife is very different you right now, all right 0:15:34.280 --> 0:15:36.440 the time in your life where you're trying to be successful, 0:15:36.520 --> 0:15:38.880 you're trying to grow your career. So I don't even 0:15:38.920 --> 0:15:41.120 have everything to do with your man, and I love 0:15:41.160 --> 0:15:43.920 how you pointed that out. No, it ain't even all 0:15:43.960 --> 0:15:47.520 my man. I'm very serious about my education. I've always 0:15:47.560 --> 0:15:50.120 taken my career serious and I've always been a serious 0:15:50.120 --> 0:15:53.240 person when it comes to education. So if your friends 0:15:53.280 --> 0:15:55.680 can't respect that, maybe you don't have the right friends 0:15:56.040 --> 0:15:58.560 and has nothing to do with your relationship. It has 0:15:58.680 --> 0:16:01.400 everything to do with where you're trying to go in 0:16:01.440 --> 0:16:04.600 your life, and very little to do with your boyfriend. 0:16:04.840 --> 0:16:07.400 I mean, I'm pretty sure if you were to ask him, oh, 0:16:07.480 --> 0:16:09.480 can I go out and hang out? You know, or babe, 0:16:09.480 --> 0:16:11.000 I'm going here, he wouldn't have an issue with it, 0:16:11.000 --> 0:16:13.560 because you just said at the end of the passage, 0:16:13.760 --> 0:16:15.280 should I go and hang out with them just to 0:16:15.320 --> 0:16:17.400 get them off my back. I mean, if you can, 0:16:17.920 --> 0:16:20.720 then it obviously ain't your boyfriend. If you can go 0:16:20.760 --> 0:16:22.600 and hang out with them, and obviously ain't your boyfriend. 0:16:22.640 --> 0:16:24.280 He ain't the one controlling you. This is just something 0:16:24.280 --> 0:16:26.000 that you don't want to do. But how long have 0:16:26.040 --> 0:16:28.160 you been friends with these girls? Because they're supposed to 0:16:28.240 --> 0:16:30.600 know this, they're supposed to know this. And while I 0:16:30.640 --> 0:16:32.520 know you want to hang out with more girls and 0:16:32.560 --> 0:16:35.160 you want a social life that doesn't have to be 0:16:35.240 --> 0:16:37.560 every day, that doesn't have to be even every weekend, 0:16:37.920 --> 0:16:41.000 set your weekends. You know, there's a schedule. Make your 0:16:41.000 --> 0:16:43.280 schedule according to the fun you want to have, according 0:16:43.320 --> 0:16:46.160 to leisure, according to when you want to get out. Say, 0:16:46.280 --> 0:16:48.720 for instance, you know you go to school Monday through Friday, 0:16:49.000 --> 0:16:51.480 go out every first and third weekend with your girls, 0:16:51.720 --> 0:16:54.200 you know, then every second and fourth weekend that's you 0:16:54.280 --> 0:16:56.040 and your man's weekend. You know what I'm saying, Like, 0:16:56.280 --> 0:16:59.440 let's just say that, let's be serious about it. You 0:16:59.480 --> 0:17:01.880 know what I'm saying. And you have a path that 0:17:01.920 --> 0:17:05.720 you're on and you want to stay afloat them. Girls 0:17:05.760 --> 0:17:07.800 gonna understand when they get somebody that they love and 0:17:07.840 --> 0:17:09.680 they want to be a punder that person. And you know, 0:17:09.720 --> 0:17:12.040 because you and your boyfriend lived together or you know, 0:17:12.160 --> 0:17:15.760 like they need to first of all not making so 0:17:15.800 --> 0:17:18.159 much about your boyfriends. They need to actually respect your 0:17:18.200 --> 0:17:21.320 relationship and respect where you are in your life right now. 0:17:21.960 --> 0:17:26.080 I don't want nothing but successful home girls. That's what 0:17:26.160 --> 0:17:29.160 I'm manifesting. My home girls have businesses. My home girls 0:17:29.160 --> 0:17:32.160 have careers. That's a damn flex where my friends doing 0:17:32.200 --> 0:17:38.320 a damn ship. I got successful friends, you know, Pretty V, B, Simone, Quay, 0:17:38.160 --> 0:17:42.040 I have successful friends, DC, Young Fly and you know 0:17:42.600 --> 0:17:45.280 Nick Can I got. I really have a lot of 0:17:45.640 --> 0:17:50.400 successful friends. It's nothing like uplifting and help building your friends, 0:17:51.000 --> 0:17:53.480 you know what I'm saying. We all have a group text, 0:17:53.560 --> 0:17:56.200 We have a group chat, me Pretty V and B, 0:17:56.359 --> 0:17:59.080 Simone and Quay, and we just love on each other. 0:17:59.119 --> 0:18:02.000 We were we caused only remind each other that we 0:18:02.080 --> 0:18:04.800 are great. We are all young black creators. We are 0:18:04.960 --> 0:18:08.480 doing the fucking thing. Okay. I'm so proud of all 0:18:08.520 --> 0:18:11.240 of you. I love you now. I don't see these 0:18:11.280 --> 0:18:13.760 three people every day, No I don't because we're all busy. 0:18:14.040 --> 0:18:17.480 But if they were all busy like you, they would understand. 0:18:17.960 --> 0:18:20.400 Not all of us are in relationships. Actually I don't 0:18:20.400 --> 0:18:24.200 think any of us are in relationships. But either way, 0:18:24.359 --> 0:18:26.400 that don't go to say that we're lonely. I've been 0:18:26.400 --> 0:18:30.160 in relationships before, you know, and they they have, but 0:18:30.400 --> 0:18:33.280 we're all single right now and we still understand there's 0:18:33.320 --> 0:18:35.600 a grind that we need to be on. You know 0:18:35.680 --> 0:18:37.800 what I'm saying. So when I am going out the 0:18:37.840 --> 0:18:40.119 party and ship, I ain't got to worry about paying 0:18:40.119 --> 0:18:42.880 my bills or I know this is done. I got 0:18:42.920 --> 0:18:46.040 deadlines to me. Girl. Don't pay them girls, no damn mine. 0:18:46.640 --> 0:18:48.520 And I think that you should have a conversation with 0:18:48.600 --> 0:18:51.920 them and let them know it. Really, I really think 0:18:51.920 --> 0:18:54.840 that you guys don't consider my whole life. You guys 0:18:55.400 --> 0:18:58.680 want to kind of put me in this box where, oh, 0:18:58.760 --> 0:19:00.679 my boyfriend is controlling me. Y'all not know I go 0:19:00.720 --> 0:19:03.239 to school. Do y'all know that I'm I'm trying to 0:19:03.720 --> 0:19:05.879 prepare to take my l s a T. Do you 0:19:05.920 --> 0:19:09.920 guys realize how serious that I've been about school? Y'all 0:19:09.920 --> 0:19:12.040 my friends, so y'all should know this. And y'all don't 0:19:12.040 --> 0:19:14.600 say nothing to the other best friend? Who I mean? 0:19:14.680 --> 0:19:16.919 Do they do? They make a big deal about her 0:19:17.000 --> 0:19:21.119 having a boyfriend. It's different. You're growing up, so I 0:19:21.160 --> 0:19:23.240 think you just need to have a conversation with those girls. 0:19:23.280 --> 0:19:25.879