1 00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:03,120 Speaker 1: Welcome to Carefully Reckless, the production of Our Heart Radio 2 00:00:03,240 --> 00:00:16,720 Speaker 1: and the Black Effect. And just like that, we're back 3 00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:19,800 Speaker 1: on the air. Welcome back to hat another carefully Reckless 4 00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:22,680 Speaker 1: session with your girl. Just hilarious. Right, all right, we're 5 00:00:22,720 --> 00:00:25,840 Speaker 1: gonna jump right in. This person wants to stay anonymous, 6 00:00:25,840 --> 00:00:28,240 Speaker 1: and these are not voice notes. I'm gonna be reading 7 00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:31,240 Speaker 1: these today. Here we go. Hey, Jess, I've been in 8 00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:33,919 Speaker 1: my current relationship for six years now. I really love 9 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:37,640 Speaker 1: my boyfriend and who he is. He's funny, very social, 10 00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:40,479 Speaker 1: he's smart, and he really pushes me to get out 11 00:00:40,479 --> 00:00:42,600 Speaker 1: of my element and has taught me how to really 12 00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:45,479 Speaker 1: relax and rest. I'm the kind of person who stays 13 00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:48,319 Speaker 1: very busy in his multiple jobs, and it's always doing 14 00:00:48,360 --> 00:00:50,720 Speaker 1: a lot to get my mind off of the bad 15 00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:54,280 Speaker 1: in life that causes me to have anxiety. About six 16 00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:56,160 Speaker 1: months ago, I broke up with him because there are 17 00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:58,959 Speaker 1: things in the relationship that I have been asking from him, 18 00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:02,120 Speaker 1: such as him taking large and taking lead with house 19 00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:06,040 Speaker 1: projects and other aspects of our relationship. So I communicate 20 00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:08,880 Speaker 1: what I need in a relationship and what is expected 21 00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:12,560 Speaker 1: from my significant other, but he never stays consistent. He 22 00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:14,760 Speaker 1: just does it for a little while and then stops. 23 00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:18,200 Speaker 1: After expressing this to him, we decided to try and 24 00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:21,080 Speaker 1: make it work. Now six months go by and I 25 00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:23,240 Speaker 1: still have to be on his back to get anything done. 26 00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:26,520 Speaker 1: He doesn't and doesn't put his full effort into it, 27 00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:28,880 Speaker 1: so I have to go back and do it correctly 28 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:31,840 Speaker 1: or finish it off. From the start of the relationship, 29 00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:34,880 Speaker 1: he's gotten better, but there's new things now because we 30 00:01:34,959 --> 00:01:38,560 Speaker 1: grew and our environment changed. We aren't married and we 31 00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:41,280 Speaker 1: don't have any kids, but we recently just got a 32 00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:43,880 Speaker 1: house together, so the environment change, and of course there's 33 00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:47,800 Speaker 1: a lot more responsibilities. But he's just not adjusting. I 34 00:01:47,840 --> 00:01:50,320 Speaker 1: tell him how I feel, and he says he'll change, 35 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:53,559 Speaker 1: and that he feels like I'm criticizing everything he does 36 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:56,840 Speaker 1: and he's exhausted. This causes him to shut down too. 37 00:01:57,480 --> 00:01:59,280 Speaker 1: Like I said, I love him and I don't want 38 00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:01,400 Speaker 1: him to feel bad at about himself. I guess I 39 00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:03,600 Speaker 1: don't know how to get my point across. I don't know. 40 00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:06,120 Speaker 1: I'm just at the point where I'm tired of repeating 41 00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:08,000 Speaker 1: myself and at the point where I just don't want 42 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:10,639 Speaker 1: to wait for him to get his things together anymore. 43 00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:14,120 Speaker 1: Should I continue to wait and try to drill it 44 00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:16,600 Speaker 1: in his head, or should I move on? It's been 45 00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:19,600 Speaker 1: six years. Also, what I mean by shut down is 46 00:02:19,639 --> 00:02:22,200 Speaker 1: he gets mad at me for criticizing him and stops 47 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:24,840 Speaker 1: talking to me completely. So he's mad at me for 48 00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:29,760 Speaker 1: being mad Jesus Cross, all right, you're a little manipulating 49 00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:34,160 Speaker 1: narcissistm No, Okay, I'm just just joking a little bit. Okay. 50 00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:36,160 Speaker 1: So it sounds like he's very lazy. It sounds like 51 00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:38,280 Speaker 1: you guys have been together for six years and he 52 00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:41,160 Speaker 1: hasn't evolved, but you have. It sounds like you've been 53 00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:45,080 Speaker 1: basically holding his hand up until this point. He'll do 54 00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:47,720 Speaker 1: great for a little bit and then go right back 55 00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:49,720 Speaker 1: into lazy mode. I'm gonna call it lazy because that's 56 00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:52,960 Speaker 1: what it sounds like from your passage. It's very lazy. 57 00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:56,359 Speaker 1: Have you ever talked to him about why he does this? 58 00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:59,880 Speaker 1: Not so much telling him to do something, not so 59 00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:03,040 Speaker 1: much being his mother, because that's exactly what you act 60 00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:05,200 Speaker 1: as when you know. I can see how that happens. 61 00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:06,640 Speaker 1: I can see how that happens. This happens with me 62 00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:09,600 Speaker 1: and Jerome a lot. That's my son's father. I talk 63 00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:12,240 Speaker 1: at him a lot because I get so angry because 64 00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:14,679 Speaker 1: I'm like, yo, why aren't you making these manly decisions? 65 00:03:14,919 --> 00:03:17,399 Speaker 1: Why are you just so irresponsible? Why can't you DoD 66 00:03:17,919 --> 00:03:20,000 Speaker 1: Why this? Why that? Why that? So it kind of 67 00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:23,640 Speaker 1: seems to him like I'm trying to play mommy like 68 00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:27,000 Speaker 1: I'm his mother. But a man doesn't want a woman 69 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:30,520 Speaker 1: that actually acts like his mother or acts as if 70 00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:33,520 Speaker 1: she is his mother. They want us to be submissive 71 00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:35,960 Speaker 1: a little bit. But in your defense, you're like, how 72 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:38,280 Speaker 1: can I be submissive to someone who won't take lead, 73 00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:43,040 Speaker 1: who won't initiate doing manly things, whether it's gender roles 74 00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:46,400 Speaker 1: or not. It's like, yo, be a fucking man already. 75 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,640 Speaker 1: I totally understand where you're coming from, but I want 76 00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:51,840 Speaker 1: you to kind of like get to the bottom of 77 00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:54,560 Speaker 1: why he acts that way, if it's worth it to you. 78 00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:56,960 Speaker 1: You know, six years is not a little bit of time. Baby. 79 00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:59,000 Speaker 1: You've been dealing with this for six years. So there 80 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:01,800 Speaker 1: has been something I had to keep you around. You know, 81 00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:04,040 Speaker 1: you said you're not married, you don't have children. There 82 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:07,520 Speaker 1: has to be something that keeps you, something that he does. Great, 83 00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:11,119 Speaker 1: if you don't want to walk away, I never encourage 84 00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:15,240 Speaker 1: someone to walk away from a relationship unless they're being abused, 85 00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:19,000 Speaker 1: unless they're being hurt, unless they are being treated less 86 00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:21,440 Speaker 1: than who they are, And here it doesn't really seem 87 00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:26,400 Speaker 1: like that's the case. However, you do deserve better. You 88 00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:29,640 Speaker 1: do need to have a better balance in your relationship. 89 00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:32,200 Speaker 1: You can't be the breadwinner. You can't be the brains. 90 00:04:32,279 --> 00:04:34,559 Speaker 1: You can't be you can't be the everything. You can't 91 00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:38,120 Speaker 1: be the man in your relationship. You are the woman. Yeah, 92 00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:39,840 Speaker 1: I think you should get to the bottom of that. 93 00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:43,000 Speaker 1: Communication is key. I always say it and try not 94 00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:46,440 Speaker 1: to talk at him so much, you know, because I 95 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:50,160 Speaker 1: do understand he gets upset with you for being upset 96 00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:52,719 Speaker 1: with him, but it's probably the way you talk to him. 97 00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:55,640 Speaker 1: Trust me, I've been in this situation, and while I'm 98 00:04:55,680 --> 00:05:00,280 Speaker 1: not justifying his lacking in the relationship, be because he 99 00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:02,760 Speaker 1: needs to do those things, you know, especially since you 100 00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:05,120 Speaker 1: guys just brought home together, you guys just gotten to 101 00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:08,880 Speaker 1: your first house. I'm assuming you know. I do feel 102 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:12,640 Speaker 1: that he may feel a sense of disrespect when you're 103 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:16,360 Speaker 1: talking to him, when you're constantly fussing and probably harping 104 00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:19,440 Speaker 1: on on these things. But that's your frustration and that's 105 00:05:19,480 --> 00:05:21,680 Speaker 1: probably the only way that you feel you can get 106 00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:25,919 Speaker 1: through to him. So you've learned to express yourself in 107 00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:29,039 Speaker 1: that manner, and that's not good either. So both of 108 00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:31,760 Speaker 1: you need to sit down and have a civilized conversation 109 00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:33,560 Speaker 1: and try to get to the bottom of what it 110 00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:36,679 Speaker 1: is that he's going through. If he's going through something, 111 00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:38,560 Speaker 1: you know he could just be regular playing old lazy, 112 00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:40,440 Speaker 1: then you've got to get the hell up and leave babe. 113 00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:43,040 Speaker 1: That's just what it is. You seem like you love him. 114 00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:44,960 Speaker 1: You know, you didn't talk bad about him at all. 115 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:47,320 Speaker 1: You just are telling me what his flaws are and 116 00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:49,520 Speaker 1: that kind of thing. Do you want children? Do you 117 00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:52,160 Speaker 1: want marriage? Do you feel like that you've been girlfriend 118 00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:54,880 Speaker 1: a boyfriend too long? Because in a relationship, when you 119 00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:57,599 Speaker 1: get in a relationship, which I just recently learned in 120 00:05:57,720 --> 00:06:02,880 Speaker 1: my previous relationship, you have to communicate exactly what it 121 00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:06,280 Speaker 1: is you want from a relationship before diving into it. 122 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:09,040 Speaker 1: You have to know your partner. You have to know 123 00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:11,120 Speaker 1: what they're going to accept, what they're willing to accept, 124 00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:13,159 Speaker 1: what they are not willing to accept. And I think 125 00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:17,760 Speaker 1: you accepting it for so long has conditioned him to 126 00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:20,000 Speaker 1: be okay with what he does you know, I know 127 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:21,880 Speaker 1: she's just gonna fuss at me. I'm gonna just do 128 00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:24,160 Speaker 1: this ship right now, and then I go back to 129 00:06:24,279 --> 00:06:26,520 Speaker 1: who I really am. You know what I'm saying, So 130 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,520 Speaker 1: both of you, I'm not going to just deem one 131 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:32,760 Speaker 1: person as the wrong doer. You carry a lot of 132 00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:35,200 Speaker 1: wrong in it as well, because you've allowed a lot 133 00:06:35,279 --> 00:06:38,920 Speaker 1: of this for so long, babe. So it's all about 134 00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:41,479 Speaker 1: how you want to move forward. Do you think it's 135 00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:44,840 Speaker 1: worth staying with him? Do you feel like that that 136 00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:48,400 Speaker 1: you're just so annoyed by what he does now that 137 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:51,279 Speaker 1: it's like, Yo, we've completely fucked this up so bad. 138 00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:54,200 Speaker 1: I don't even see us reconciling. You know, I don't 139 00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:57,159 Speaker 1: see reconciliation in our future. These are the questions that 140 00:06:57,200 --> 00:07:00,080 Speaker 1: you have to ask yourself. But I definitely need you 141 00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:03,800 Speaker 1: to try to see what his problem is. And like 142 00:07:03,839 --> 00:07:06,520 Speaker 1: I said, don't talk at him, talk to him because 143 00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:08,919 Speaker 1: he's another human being. But check back in with me. 144 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:11,640 Speaker 1: I hope that helped you. If you love me, you'll 145 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:14,000 Speaker 1: listen to this commercial and then we'll be right back 146 00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:19,120 Speaker 1: and we are moving on. Hey, just love the podcast. 147 00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:22,320 Speaker 1: Here's my dilemma I've been dealing with this guy since September. 148 00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:25,520 Speaker 1: First couple of months, we were dating, sexually involved, and 149 00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:28,400 Speaker 1: he was adjusting to a new work schedule, so the 150 00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:31,040 Speaker 1: dates slowed down because he damned near only had one 151 00:07:31,080 --> 00:07:33,320 Speaker 1: day off and he worked that night and I worked 152 00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:36,440 Speaker 1: throughout the day. He didn't have weekends off like I did. 153 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:39,560 Speaker 1: I was understanding of that. I asked his intentions. He 154 00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:42,600 Speaker 1: said he was dating to marry. I'm like, cool, we're 155 00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:45,080 Speaker 1: on the same page. I ended up getting pregnant and 156 00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:47,120 Speaker 1: we chose to terminate due to the fact that we 157 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:49,360 Speaker 1: just met and I didn't know for real if we 158 00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:52,600 Speaker 1: saw each other in each other's lives long term. So 159 00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:55,600 Speaker 1: after that, I thought we were still working toward a relationship. 160 00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:58,560 Speaker 1: Though by January he got into some legal trouble. Then 161 00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:00,800 Speaker 1: he came home and told me he had a baby 162 00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:03,480 Speaker 1: on the way. He was dealing with her before the 163 00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:06,880 Speaker 1: trouble happened, So now I'm like, damn, not only were 164 00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:10,520 Speaker 1: you sexually involved with me, but her too. Wow. I 165 00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:12,280 Speaker 1: have been on and off with this man since he 166 00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:15,120 Speaker 1: told me he had a baby on the way. I'm like, okay, 167 00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:17,800 Speaker 1: we weren't in a committed relationship when it happened. But 168 00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:19,880 Speaker 1: I think the fact that we decided not to have 169 00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:23,000 Speaker 1: a child together is still in my mind. Now he 170 00:08:23,080 --> 00:08:25,520 Speaker 1: has a whole newborn. I have been trying to cut 171 00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:27,360 Speaker 1: this man off, but I can't see him to do so. 172 00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:31,560 Speaker 1: I've still been dating others, but no other connection compares 173 00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:34,280 Speaker 1: to what we have. He keeps saying how bad he 174 00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:36,600 Speaker 1: wants to be with me. He just plans on co 175 00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:39,080 Speaker 1: parenting with the mother of his child. I need to 176 00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:42,000 Speaker 1: hear from someone else's point of view. Should I try 177 00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:44,320 Speaker 1: to work it out with this man or be done 178 00:08:44,679 --> 00:08:48,200 Speaker 1: for good no matter how hard it may be. Okay, well, 179 00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:49,920 Speaker 1: thank you for keeping it short. But that was a 180 00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:53,000 Speaker 1: whole lot and a little bit of time baby. Okay, So, 181 00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:56,199 Speaker 1: given the fact that there was no commitment, you guys 182 00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:58,680 Speaker 1: just started off basically having sex and talking. There was 183 00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:03,840 Speaker 1: no from your end, there was no exclusivity. He told 184 00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:06,880 Speaker 1: you that he was dating to marry you. In return, 185 00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:09,720 Speaker 1: didn't say that, I mean, unless you just didn't say 186 00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:12,800 Speaker 1: that to me, But it seemed like you kind of 187 00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:15,120 Speaker 1: didn't know, you know, you actually said it. You're like, 188 00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:16,880 Speaker 1: I mean, I didn't know if we were really gonna 189 00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:19,720 Speaker 1: be in each other's lives for a long period of time. 190 00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:23,600 Speaker 1: Given that M hmm, I don't think that you could 191 00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:26,520 Speaker 1: fault him so much for having a baby, because in 192 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:28,720 Speaker 1: all reality, at the end of the day, it was 193 00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:31,320 Speaker 1: the other girl's decision to keep it. Um. Now, we 194 00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:33,080 Speaker 1: don't know what he told her. He could have told 195 00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:35,440 Speaker 1: her to get rid of it, he could have prompted 196 00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:37,200 Speaker 1: her to keep it. Whatever. At the end of the day, 197 00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:40,839 Speaker 1: it's the woman's decision. So let's just say she chose 198 00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:42,520 Speaker 1: to have the baby and he just wants to compare 199 00:09:42,559 --> 00:09:45,360 Speaker 1: it with her. Is he upfront and honest with you 200 00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:48,240 Speaker 1: about everything? Did you have to find anything out that? 201 00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:50,480 Speaker 1: Did you ever catch him in a lie? I mean, 202 00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:53,320 Speaker 1: what are the facts? I mean? And and you can't 203 00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:58,559 Speaker 1: question him having unprotected sex with someone else when you 204 00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:01,800 Speaker 1: two barely knew each other and he was having unprotected 205 00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:04,520 Speaker 1: sex with you. You have to question if he moves 206 00:10:04,559 --> 00:10:07,360 Speaker 1: like this with me, why would he be exempt to 207 00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:10,360 Speaker 1: move like this with anyone else. You understand what I'm saying, 208 00:10:10,679 --> 00:10:14,560 Speaker 1: And you let that happen, you got pregnant, and you 209 00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:18,160 Speaker 1: two chose to aboard for the right reason, of course, 210 00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:22,120 Speaker 1: but that's still traumatizing to you now because he has 211 00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:24,800 Speaker 1: a baby if it's going to be hard for you 212 00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:27,800 Speaker 1: to get past, I would say stay oh way, because 213 00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:31,400 Speaker 1: that's toxicity waiting to happen. If he keeps telling you 214 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:33,920 Speaker 1: how bad he wants to be with you, you know, 215 00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:36,720 Speaker 1: when you want to be with him. I think you 216 00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:38,720 Speaker 1: need some type of clarity because I feel like you 217 00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:41,840 Speaker 1: feel that he already fucked up your trust a little bit, 218 00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:46,720 Speaker 1: you know, but there was never any foundation established with 219 00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:49,640 Speaker 1: you two. He got into legal trouble. I'm pretty sure 220 00:10:49,679 --> 00:10:51,040 Speaker 1: he probably didn't know he had a baby on the 221 00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:54,080 Speaker 1: way if that happened, you know, But the fact that 222 00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:56,000 Speaker 1: the girl kept it, I don't know, that's in the 223 00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:57,480 Speaker 1: red flag. I mean, because do you know him well 224 00:10:57,600 --> 00:10:59,959 Speaker 1: enough to keep his baby? Now? There are girls out 225 00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:03,079 Speaker 1: here who meet guys, have sex with him the same day, 226 00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:05,520 Speaker 1: have babies. That's why there's a such thing as paternity court. 227 00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:08,400 Speaker 1: But was this an ex girlfriend? I mean, I just 228 00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:12,880 Speaker 1: need you to get all information that you can before 229 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:16,680 Speaker 1: you just obliged to be with him, you know, before 230 00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:18,400 Speaker 1: you say, you know what, this is what I'm gonna do, 231 00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:22,160 Speaker 1: because I think it's the trust factor for you. Now 232 00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:24,240 Speaker 1: you know the fact that y'all got rid of y'all child, 233 00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:26,680 Speaker 1: and he still ended up having one. And you said 234 00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:28,480 Speaker 1: you talked to other people, but nothing compared to the 235 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:31,000 Speaker 1: connection that you two have. I'm not gonna tell you 236 00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:32,160 Speaker 1: not to give it a try. I just want you 237 00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:34,800 Speaker 1: to find out more information. There has to be an 238 00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:38,119 Speaker 1: open and honest line of communication from here on out. Always. 239 00:11:38,679 --> 00:11:40,000 Speaker 1: You know, you're always going to be in the back 240 00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:41,680 Speaker 1: of your mind. Is he still sucking with his baby mother? 241 00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:44,160 Speaker 1: Are they only co parenting? Is it? You know you're 242 00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:46,320 Speaker 1: gonna think that way because of how the baby was made. 243 00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:48,720 Speaker 1: You're always gonna have those questions. So I think that 244 00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:52,080 Speaker 1: you need to leave reservation for your sanity as well 245 00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:54,080 Speaker 1: before you just go and jump in a relationship with 246 00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:56,640 Speaker 1: this guy. I'm not gonna tell you not to just move, 247 00:11:56,800 --> 00:12:00,320 Speaker 1: move carefully, move slowly, but surely you know apps reolutely 248 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:03,240 Speaker 1: should be sure of yourself. Don't move too fast. You see, 249 00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:06,440 Speaker 1: we're moving too fast? Got your ass? What a year ago? 250 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:11,600 Speaker 1: Pregnant and abhort it? Okay? Wayne? Doing that? And stop 251 00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:15,520 Speaker 1: having sex with no condom? Oh yeah, and you are 252 00:12:15,559 --> 00:12:19,080 Speaker 1: not in a relationship. We need to stop doing that. 253 00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:21,079 Speaker 1: I'm gonna say we have done it as well. We 254 00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:24,880 Speaker 1: need to stop doing that altogether. But you didn't ask 255 00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:27,440 Speaker 1: for me to preach to you. You asked for the advice, 256 00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:29,960 Speaker 1: and that was my advice. So check back in with me. 257 00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:32,520 Speaker 1: Definitely check back in with me. Hold up, Hold up, 258 00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:34,640 Speaker 1: I noticed ship getting good. But listen to just a 259 00:12:34,679 --> 00:12:36,600 Speaker 1: couple of seconds of a commercial. If you love me, 260 00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:41,240 Speaker 1: you'll listen last one of the day. Hey, jus love 261 00:12:41,280 --> 00:12:43,680 Speaker 1: your podcast. Been a fan since the early days, and 262 00:12:43,679 --> 00:12:45,480 Speaker 1: I just need some advice. So I am twenty three 263 00:12:45,520 --> 00:12:48,800 Speaker 1: years old, no children. I'm currently in graduate school, a 264 00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:52,480 Speaker 1: full time special education teacher, and preparing to take my 265 00:12:52,679 --> 00:12:54,920 Speaker 1: l s a T so I can get accepted into 266 00:12:54,920 --> 00:12:57,199 Speaker 1: the law school. The past few years, I've been dating 267 00:12:57,200 --> 00:13:00,760 Speaker 1: my boyfriend, who has been my best friend and one 268 00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:03,400 Speaker 1: of the only people I hang out with. More recently, 269 00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:06,199 Speaker 1: I've decided to start hanging out with my female cousins, 270 00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:08,520 Speaker 1: who are all around the same age as me or 271 00:13:08,559 --> 00:13:10,920 Speaker 1: a couple of years older than I am, because I 272 00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:13,080 Speaker 1: want to hang out with more girls. Out of the 273 00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:15,800 Speaker 1: seven girls I hang with, only one, who was also 274 00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:18,120 Speaker 1: my other best friend, is in a relationship and has 275 00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:20,640 Speaker 1: been in a relationship just as the same amount of 276 00:13:20,679 --> 00:13:23,240 Speaker 1: time as me. Many of them don't understand why I 277 00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:26,360 Speaker 1: don't go out to clubs or don't do parties because 278 00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:28,800 Speaker 1: of my relationship. If they go out to brunch or 279 00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:31,480 Speaker 1: lunch or even dinner, or even go to a lounge, 280 00:13:31,559 --> 00:13:33,720 Speaker 1: I show up, but anything else I do not show 281 00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:35,520 Speaker 1: up to, they are saying that I am in a 282 00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:39,000 Speaker 1: controlling relationship because I don't do these things, which, mind you, 283 00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:41,040 Speaker 1: I have not been to a party or club since 284 00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:44,000 Speaker 1: I was about nineteen because I've always been super serious 285 00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:46,760 Speaker 1: about my education and pursuing my career. I don't think 286 00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:49,360 Speaker 1: I am just preferred to respect my relationship and not 287 00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:51,440 Speaker 1: go out working and hanging out with a whole bunch 288 00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:54,319 Speaker 1: of niggas when I have a man at home. More recently, 289 00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:56,800 Speaker 1: they have been inviting me to less and lass things 290 00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:59,600 Speaker 1: because I haven't been showing up to overnight things or 291 00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:03,560 Speaker 1: just things that I just personally don't do. Do you 292 00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:05,440 Speaker 1: feel as though I am being a bad friend because 293 00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:08,680 Speaker 1: of my busy schedules and me just not hanging out 294 00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:11,840 Speaker 1: in certain spaces because it's not my type of energy 295 00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:13,920 Speaker 1: or vibe. Do you think that I should just go 296 00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:16,080 Speaker 1: out with them a couple of times just to get 297 00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:21,200 Speaker 1: them off my back. Honey, Listen, No, I don't think 298 00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:25,360 Speaker 1: that you should inconvenience yourself or make yourself uncomfortable at 299 00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:28,000 Speaker 1: the expense of someone else, whether that be your man, 300 00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:31,560 Speaker 1: whether it be your friends, whether if it, don't make 301 00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:35,280 Speaker 1: yourself uncomfortable for nobody but your child, because sometimes being 302 00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:38,000 Speaker 1: a parent can get like that. You know, it's not 303 00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:40,440 Speaker 1: always fun being a parent. Your your children don't always 304 00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:43,480 Speaker 1: put you in easy situations, and you're reading a whole 305 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:46,880 Speaker 1: human being. So just no going forward. That is the 306 00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:51,040 Speaker 1: only time that you're supposed to or you're expected to 307 00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:54,640 Speaker 1: make yourself uncomfortable, you know, for your damn child. Listen, 308 00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:57,880 Speaker 1: if there is nothing going on at home, if he's 309 00:14:57,920 --> 00:15:00,760 Speaker 1: not controlling you, if he's not abusive, if he's not 310 00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:04,280 Speaker 1: possessive and obsessive with his girlfriend, you know, if he 311 00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:08,040 Speaker 1: don't have Alicia around your damn nick girl, you are 312 00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:12,160 Speaker 1: totally entitled to respect your man. I mean he respects you, 313 00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:15,120 Speaker 1: DON'TI you don't have no issues when he ain't club hopping, 314 00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:18,360 Speaker 1: it's working on bar stands and all that. Not that 315 00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:20,760 Speaker 1: you said all that, but I'm just saying. They are 316 00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:24,920 Speaker 1: single women, so they're living according to their dating status there. 317 00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:26,480 Speaker 1: That's how they You know, it's nothing wrong with that 318 00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:30,000 Speaker 1: going out popping your booty and taking shots, and you know, 319 00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:34,200 Speaker 1: the nightlife is very different you right now, all right 320 00:15:34,280 --> 00:15:36,440 Speaker 1: the time in your life where you're trying to be successful, 321 00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:38,880 Speaker 1: you're trying to grow your career. So I don't even 322 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:41,120 Speaker 1: have everything to do with your man, and I love 323 00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:43,920 Speaker 1: how you pointed that out. No, it ain't even all 324 00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:47,520 Speaker 1: my man. I'm very serious about my education. I've always 325 00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:50,120 Speaker 1: taken my career serious and I've always been a serious 326 00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:53,240 Speaker 1: person when it comes to education. So if your friends 327 00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:55,680 Speaker 1: can't respect that, maybe you don't have the right friends 328 00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:58,560 Speaker 1: and has nothing to do with your relationship. It has 329 00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:01,400 Speaker 1: everything to do with where you're trying to go in 330 00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:04,600 Speaker 1: your life, and very little to do with your boyfriend. 331 00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:07,400 Speaker 1: I mean, I'm pretty sure if you were to ask him, oh, 332 00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:09,480 Speaker 1: can I go out and hang out? You know, or babe, 333 00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:11,000 Speaker 1: I'm going here, he wouldn't have an issue with it, 334 00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:13,560 Speaker 1: because you just said at the end of the passage, 335 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:15,280 Speaker 1: should I go and hang out with them just to 336 00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:17,400 Speaker 1: get them off my back. I mean, if you can, 337 00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:20,720 Speaker 1: then it obviously ain't your boyfriend. If you can go 338 00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:22,600 Speaker 1: and hang out with them, and obviously ain't your boyfriend. 339 00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:24,280 Speaker 1: He ain't the one controlling you. This is just something 340 00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:26,000 Speaker 1: that you don't want to do. But how long have 341 00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:28,160 Speaker 1: you been friends with these girls? Because they're supposed to 342 00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:30,600 Speaker 1: know this, they're supposed to know this. And while I 343 00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:32,520 Speaker 1: know you want to hang out with more girls and 344 00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:35,160 Speaker 1: you want a social life that doesn't have to be 345 00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:37,560 Speaker 1: every day, that doesn't have to be even every weekend, 346 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:41,000 Speaker 1: set your weekends. You know, there's a schedule. Make your 347 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,280 Speaker 1: schedule according to the fun you want to have, according 348 00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:46,160 Speaker 1: to leisure, according to when you want to get out. Say, 349 00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:48,720 Speaker 1: for instance, you know you go to school Monday through Friday, 350 00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:51,480 Speaker 1: go out every first and third weekend with your girls, 351 00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:54,200 Speaker 1: you know, then every second and fourth weekend that's you 352 00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:56,040 Speaker 1: and your man's weekend. You know what I'm saying, Like, 353 00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:59,440 Speaker 1: let's just say that, let's be serious about it. You 354 00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:01,880 Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. And you have a path that 355 00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:05,720 Speaker 1: you're on and you want to stay afloat them. Girls 356 00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:07,800 Speaker 1: gonna understand when they get somebody that they love and 357 00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:09,680 Speaker 1: they want to be a punder that person. And you know, 358 00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:12,040 Speaker 1: because you and your boyfriend lived together or you know, 359 00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:15,760 Speaker 1: like they need to first of all not making so 360 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:18,159 Speaker 1: much about your boyfriends. They need to actually respect your 361 00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:21,320 Speaker 1: relationship and respect where you are in your life right now. 362 00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:26,080 Speaker 1: I don't want nothing but successful home girls. That's what 363 00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:29,160 Speaker 1: I'm manifesting. My home girls have businesses. My home girls 364 00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:32,160 Speaker 1: have careers. That's a damn flex where my friends doing 365 00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:38,320 Speaker 1: a damn ship. I got successful friends, you know, Pretty V, B, Simone, Quay, 366 00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:42,040 Speaker 1: I have successful friends, DC, Young Fly and you know 367 00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:45,280 Speaker 1: Nick Can I got. I really have a lot of 368 00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:50,400 Speaker 1: successful friends. It's nothing like uplifting and help building your friends, 369 00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:53,480 Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. We all have a group text, 370 00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:56,200 Speaker 1: We have a group chat, me Pretty V and B, 371 00:17:56,359 --> 00:17:59,080 Speaker 1: Simone and Quay, and we just love on each other. 372 00:17:59,119 --> 00:18:02,000 Speaker 1: We were we caused only remind each other that we 373 00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:04,800 Speaker 1: are great. We are all young black creators. We are 374 00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:08,480 Speaker 1: doing the fucking thing. Okay. I'm so proud of all 375 00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:11,240 Speaker 1: of you. I love you now. I don't see these 376 00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:13,760 Speaker 1: three people every day, No I don't because we're all busy. 377 00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:17,480 Speaker 1: But if they were all busy like you, they would understand. 378 00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:20,400 Speaker 1: Not all of us are in relationships. Actually I don't 379 00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:24,200 Speaker 1: think any of us are in relationships. But either way, 380 00:18:24,359 --> 00:18:26,400 Speaker 1: that don't go to say that we're lonely. I've been 381 00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:30,160 Speaker 1: in relationships before, you know, and they they have, but 382 00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:33,280 Speaker 1: we're all single right now and we still understand there's 383 00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:35,600 Speaker 1: a grind that we need to be on. You know 384 00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:37,800 Speaker 1: what I'm saying. So when I am going out the 385 00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:40,119 Speaker 1: party and ship, I ain't got to worry about paying 386 00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:42,880 Speaker 1: my bills or I know this is done. I got 387 00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:46,040 Speaker 1: deadlines to me. Girl. Don't pay them girls, no damn mine. 388 00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:48,520 Speaker 1: And I think that you should have a conversation with 389 00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:51,920 Speaker 1: them and let them know it. Really, I really think 390 00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:54,840 Speaker 1: that you guys don't consider my whole life. You guys 391 00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:58,680 Speaker 1: want to kind of put me in this box where, oh, 392 00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:00,679 Speaker 1: my boyfriend is controlling me. Y'all not know I go 393 00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:03,239 Speaker 1: to school. Do y'all know that I'm I'm trying to 394 00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:05,879 Speaker 1: prepare to take my l s a T. Do you 395 00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:09,920 Speaker 1: guys realize how serious that I've been about school? Y'all 396 00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:12,040 Speaker 1: my friends, so y'all should know this. And y'all don't 397 00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:14,600 Speaker 1: say nothing to the other best friend? Who I mean? 398 00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:16,919 Speaker 1: Do they do? They make a big deal about her 399 00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:21,119 Speaker 1: having a boyfriend. It's different. You're growing up, so I 400 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:23,240 Speaker 1: think you just need to have a conversation with those girls. 401 00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:25,879 Speaker 1: And I don't think that you should ever make yourself 402 00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:28,399 Speaker 1: uncomfortable and make yourself do something that you don't want 403 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,200 Speaker 1: to do just to fit in or just to get 404 00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:32,960 Speaker 1: somebody off your back. Look, if they're on your back, shit, 405 00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:36,800 Speaker 1: brush your shoulders off. I know that was kind of corny, 406 00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:38,919 Speaker 1: but whatever, all right, just check back in with me, 407 00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:41,959 Speaker 1: baby after you have that conversation, or if you just 408 00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:44,439 Speaker 1: want to go out because that's something that you want 409 00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:47,320 Speaker 1: to do because you do want a social life, that's fine. 410 00:19:47,359 --> 00:19:50,000 Speaker 1: But like I said, put yourself on the schedule first weekend. 411 00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:51,639 Speaker 1: I'm think all right, y'all, we can do this. We 412 00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:54,040 Speaker 1: do sitting paint with new club. We can. But there 413 00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:55,920 Speaker 1: needs to be an understanding that these girls need to 414 00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:58,760 Speaker 1: have about you, and they need to respect that there's 415 00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:01,200 Speaker 1: a certain boundary that you on cross. My friend is 416 00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:02,760 Speaker 1: trying to do her damn thing. That needs to be 417 00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:05,720 Speaker 1: their standpoint. Laura, go ahead and she'll will, she'll catch 418 00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:08,320 Speaker 1: up with us, or she can ship like that. But 419 00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:12,119 Speaker 1: you're still young. You got plenty of time to fucking party, baby, 420 00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:14,560 Speaker 1: plenty of time. But what you don't have, and I 421 00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:17,760 Speaker 1: don't care what nobody say, it's plenty, plenty, plenty of 422 00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:21,600 Speaker 1: time to make your dreams come true. Start right now. 423 00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:24,560 Speaker 1: You're doing a great fucking job. Do not quit to 424 00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:28,560 Speaker 1: a party. Okay, okay, And just like that, we've come 425 00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:31,040 Speaker 1: to the end of another Carefully Reckless episode with your 426 00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:34,480 Speaker 1: Girl just hilarious. Make sure you tune into Reckless Discussions tonight. 427 00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:36,760 Speaker 1: It will be dropping at seven pm. You don't want 428 00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:39,919 Speaker 1: to miss this one and then my deepest Pam voice piece. 429 00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:54,000 Speaker 1: Carefully Reckless is a production of I Heart Radio and 430 00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:57,040 Speaker 1: The Black Effect. For more podcasts from I Heart Radio, 431 00:21:57,240 --> 00:22:00,720 Speaker 1: visit the i heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever 432 00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:02,080 Speaker 1: you listen to your favorite shows.