WEBVTT - Advice Letter: "Had To Put My Own Momma Out" 0:00:00.560 --> 0:00:04.520 Another day to be great, another day to live out 0:00:04.519 --> 0:00:08.240 our dreams, another day to live life on purpose and 0:00:08.320 --> 0:00:12.720 for a purpose. Now it's been a minute. It's been 0:00:12.760 --> 0:00:17.000 a minute since I dived into the Vitamin D advice 0:00:17.079 --> 0:00:19.759 letter bag to come with you with some vice on 0:00:20.160 --> 0:00:21.919 how you live your life. Now, I just want to 0:00:21.920 --> 0:00:24.759 be clear when we talk about Vitamin D. It's all 0:00:24.760 --> 0:00:27.240 about shedding the light on the good and the bad. 0:00:27.280 --> 0:00:29.160 Because what do I say? If you want to be 0:00:29.160 --> 0:00:31.000 better and you want to do better, then you're going 0:00:31.080 --> 0:00:36.879 to have to be able to see better. Does that 0:00:36.920 --> 0:00:39.560 make sense? I mean the good and not so good. 0:00:39.560 --> 0:00:43.040 You can't be hide in the shadows. You can't be 0:00:43.120 --> 0:00:46.159 tucking behind a corner. You're going to have to step 0:00:46.320 --> 0:00:51.400 right front and center. So I always encourage if you 0:00:51.479 --> 0:00:55.280 need advice on your relationships, on your career, on your business, 0:00:55.320 --> 0:00:58.080 anything that you would like my input, to send a 0:00:58.160 --> 0:01:00.720 letter to me and you can email me Vitamin D 0:01:00.840 --> 0:01:04.440 at dawn daispeaks dot com. Now understand, these are just 0:01:04.480 --> 0:01:07.200 my views and opinions. You eat the meat and you 0:01:07.240 --> 0:01:10.920 spit out the bones. Okay, I'm not saying I'm right 0:01:11.080 --> 0:01:13.760 or am I wrong. I'm just letting you know what 0:01:13.840 --> 0:01:16.880 I would do if I were you. So with that 0:01:16.920 --> 0:01:20.920 being said, I'm ready to dive into this letter. Okay. 0:01:23.800 --> 0:01:27.720 Subject had to put my mama out. Now, let me 0:01:27.760 --> 0:01:35.000 do that again. Subject had to put my own mama out. Hey, Dawn, 0:01:36.080 --> 0:01:39.880 I love listening to you. Just recently, my mama came 0:01:39.920 --> 0:01:43.240 back into my life after abandoning me at six years old. 0:01:43.640 --> 0:01:46.920 That was twenty three long years ago. My mama wasn't 0:01:47.000 --> 0:01:48.760 in my life like she should have been, you know, 0:01:49.400 --> 0:01:52.040 in and out of jail, couldn't keep a job, on drugs, 0:01:52.360 --> 0:01:55.840 laying up with different men, and just never ending mess 0:01:55.920 --> 0:02:00.280 of problems and bad choices. Well, four months ago she 0:02:00.360 --> 0:02:03.480 showed up on my doorstep, cleaned for the last two years, 0:02:03.480 --> 0:02:06.280 and wanted for us to be a family again. Oh Dawn, 0:02:06.320 --> 0:02:10.160 there was so much anger and hurt and bitter disappointment 0:02:10.240 --> 0:02:13.160 in me. I'm talking years and years of tears and 0:02:13.320 --> 0:02:16.600 awful hurt here. But I figured this may be the 0:02:16.639 --> 0:02:19.520 only chance that I'll ever have to have my mama back. 0:02:19.960 --> 0:02:22.000 I didn't want to look back and wonder what if. 0:02:22.720 --> 0:02:25.320 So me and my husband talked and we gave her 0:02:25.320 --> 0:02:31.440 a chance and took her in and of course, four 0:02:31.480 --> 0:02:36.240 weeks later, my mama relapsed, and she relapsed hard. It 0:02:36.280 --> 0:02:37.959 got so bad that I had to put my own 0:02:38.000 --> 0:02:40.240 mama out and I told her to leave us alone 0:02:40.280 --> 0:02:42.720 and to never ever come back here. And I've been 0:02:42.760 --> 0:02:46.240 crying in my husband's arms none stop ever since. Horribly 0:02:46.280 --> 0:02:48.920 sad for my mama and very very very angry at 0:02:48.919 --> 0:02:52.760 her at the same time. You know, I tried, Dawn, 0:02:53.240 --> 0:02:55.520 I really tried. But I can't keep letting her hurt 0:02:55.560 --> 0:03:01.120 me over and over again. Am I right? Sincerely yours missus, 0:03:01.160 --> 0:03:08.160 Eva Parker, aged twenty nine from Riverside, California. Well, there's 0:03:08.200 --> 0:03:09.959 a lot of ways we can go with this letter, right. 0:03:12.400 --> 0:03:14.840 My first question to you, Eva, Well, first, let me 0:03:14.880 --> 0:03:17.520 say thank you so much for writing in. Thank you 0:03:17.560 --> 0:03:20.080 so much for your vulnerability, thank you so much for sharing, 0:03:21.919 --> 0:03:25.400 and thank you so much for making room you still 0:03:25.440 --> 0:03:29.280 may roam no matter what. Now, the first question I 0:03:29.240 --> 0:03:32.960 got to ask you is what were your expectations? I 0:03:33.000 --> 0:03:37.360 feel as though expectations are unfair. See, there was something 0:03:37.360 --> 0:03:41.040 that you expected from your mother, the woman that gave 0:03:41.080 --> 0:03:48.040 birth to you, which wasn't promised. Okay, Now, one thing 0:03:48.040 --> 0:03:50.800 to take in consideration too. There's nothing wrong in your decision, 0:03:51.360 --> 0:03:53.600 just like any person who doesn't want to be loved, 0:03:53.600 --> 0:03:55.560 who doesn't want to be wanted, who doesn't want to 0:03:55.600 --> 0:03:58.280 be cared for, who doesn't want to be looked after, 0:03:59.080 --> 0:04:02.360 and what that comes with place of vulnerability and vulnerability 0:04:02.400 --> 0:04:05.200 is all about opening up. And that's what you did. 0:04:05.720 --> 0:04:08.480 It wasn't necessarily what you expected, which we will touch 0:04:08.520 --> 0:04:11.960 on that in a second. But like you said, you 0:04:12.000 --> 0:04:16.800 didn't want to live a life of what if. And 0:04:16.839 --> 0:04:19.560 I'm a person where you will hear me constantly say 0:04:19.600 --> 0:04:21.680 over and over again that you're going to have to 0:04:21.680 --> 0:04:25.160 take a chance on yourself. That means literally yourself and 0:04:25.200 --> 0:04:28.800 any opportunities, any chances, anything that you want to see, 0:04:28.839 --> 0:04:31.200 be calm do you are going to have to take 0:04:31.240 --> 0:04:35.599 a chance. Now. The next thing I want to say, 0:04:35.720 --> 0:04:38.040 your mother has been out of your life for twenty 0:04:38.080 --> 0:04:40.760 three years. You were six years old when you said 0:04:40.760 --> 0:04:43.280 that she abandoned you. Now for you to know that 0:04:43.320 --> 0:04:45.120 she has been in on and off drugs, I want 0:04:45.160 --> 0:04:47.640 to presume that you have seen her or had her 0:04:47.640 --> 0:04:54.719 at a distance, right, but there was some sort of contact, Okay. Nevertheless, 0:04:54.800 --> 0:04:58.120 for you not to know the intricacy of her lifestyle, 0:04:59.160 --> 0:05:04.200 I meantanding how bad addiction is. Would you or would 0:05:04.200 --> 0:05:07.520 you not say that she was a stranger. I mean, 0:05:07.680 --> 0:05:12.200 we do have our own brain at six years old, 0:05:12.200 --> 0:05:15.359 but there's no maturity there. And you've had twenty three 0:05:15.560 --> 0:05:18.440 years since she abandoned you that you lived your life. 0:05:19.760 --> 0:05:23.960 So you were essentially letting a stranger in, believe it 0:05:24.040 --> 0:05:27.479 or not, a stranger that looks like you, a stranger 0:05:27.520 --> 0:05:30.400 in which you carried the same DNA, but nevertheless a 0:05:30.440 --> 0:05:32.880 stranger because this is a woman that you do not know. 0:05:37.640 --> 0:05:41.640 So I have to ask you what were your expectations? 0:05:42.240 --> 0:05:47.200 M Now you said, am I wrong? No? You can't 0:05:47.240 --> 0:05:50.159 be wrong for loving on yourself. You can't be wrong 0:05:50.279 --> 0:05:55.160 for protecting yourself. You can't be wrong for doing what 0:05:55.240 --> 0:05:59.279 you have to do to stand by yourself. The only 0:05:59.320 --> 0:06:03.560 thing that you can be wrong with is disenfranchising yourself, 0:06:03.560 --> 0:06:07.200 putting yourself in situations that you know that you cannot 0:06:07.240 --> 0:06:11.679 prosper from. Okay, now, I'm just looking back at the letter. 0:06:12.240 --> 0:06:15.919 You said she left you as six years old. You 0:06:15.960 --> 0:06:17.800 said she was in and out of jail, couldn't keep 0:06:17.800 --> 0:06:19.960 a job, and on drugs, laying with different men, and 0:06:20.080 --> 0:06:24.400 just a never ending mess of problems and bad choices. See, 0:06:24.400 --> 0:06:26.280 one thing about history is it has a tendency to 0:06:26.320 --> 0:06:29.480 repeat itself. Nevertheless, it doesn't mean that it's too late 0:06:29.520 --> 0:06:33.279 to change. See, I'm all about grace, and to me, 0:06:33.440 --> 0:06:36.400 grace is all about making room, whether that's room for 0:06:36.480 --> 0:06:38.360 somebody else or that's room so that you can get 0:06:38.360 --> 0:06:40.520 to know the woman that left you. Because, believe it 0:06:40.640 --> 0:06:44.960 or not, it was probably a high stressful situation. I mean, 0:06:45.000 --> 0:06:47.920 you got two grown women in this house and her 0:06:48.000 --> 0:06:51.520 husband who are related, and one that is holding some 0:06:51.640 --> 0:06:55.440 bitter resentment. It's not healthy. But you were doing the 0:06:55.480 --> 0:06:57.880 best that you knew how with what was going on. 0:06:58.800 --> 0:07:00.960 Plus you took a cheae is because you said, well 0:07:00.960 --> 0:07:04.680 what if? What if this possibility? Now another thing, what 0:07:04.760 --> 0:07:11.440 do you know about addiction? HM? Like me and myself 0:07:11.480 --> 0:07:15.080 if I can keep it real, so you knowhing deal 0:07:16.120 --> 0:07:19.760 my addiction lines with food. If anybody has known me 0:07:19.800 --> 0:07:22.400 over the past several years, a couple of decades. Now, 0:07:22.480 --> 0:07:26.200 wait a minute, don't live tim H too much. My 0:07:26.240 --> 0:07:28.640 weight has always been an up and down thing and 0:07:28.680 --> 0:07:31.640 it's something that you're going to have to work intentionally with. 0:07:32.160 --> 0:07:35.040 In fact, I was just speaking with a friend the 0:07:35.120 --> 0:07:39.280 other day and she was sharing about a dude that 0:07:39.400 --> 0:07:41.240 she was talking to and he had kind of went 0:07:41.360 --> 0:07:44.800 kind of distant, and he said to her, he said, 0:07:44.840 --> 0:07:46.760 you know, I'm not in the best space right now. 0:07:47.840 --> 0:07:50.640 I've been dealing with substance abuse. And I said, wow, 0:07:50.920 --> 0:07:53.920 the vulnerability there. But she was so upset at the 0:07:53.960 --> 0:08:00.280 fact that he hadn't been in contact. And at the 0:08:00.320 --> 0:08:02.280 same time, I had looked at her and I said, well, 0:08:02.320 --> 0:08:04.560 did you reach out to him? I said, there was 0:08:04.600 --> 0:08:07.520 a level of vulnerability that he opened up to welcome 0:08:07.560 --> 0:08:11.080 you in. So did you reach out? She said no. See, 0:08:11.080 --> 0:08:14.000 when we talk about relationships, any type of relationships, one 0:08:14.000 --> 0:08:16.680 of the main things that we got to highlight is communication. 0:08:18.760 --> 0:08:21.880 Communication is so key, and what happens is you gotta 0:08:21.920 --> 0:08:25.040 be you gotta focus in on that channel because all 0:08:25.040 --> 0:08:28.200 around you it's gonna be static. Okay, it's gonna be 0:08:28.200 --> 0:08:34.000 confusion or in other words, a distraction. And I'm wondering 0:08:34.120 --> 0:08:37.760 if you distracted yourself of wanting the relationships so bad 0:08:38.040 --> 0:08:40.800 that you could not see who was standing, sitting walking 0:08:41.440 --> 0:08:46.800 in front of you, sitting beside you, who was behind you. Well, 0:08:46.800 --> 0:08:49.040 see that's why I had to ask you, what was 0:08:49.080 --> 0:08:53.320 your expectation. What did you expect? Did you allow yourself 0:08:53.360 --> 0:08:56.679 to see what it is for what it is? Because 0:08:56.720 --> 0:08:58.920 into knowing your mother, that means you have to know 0:08:59.000 --> 0:09:02.080 what addiction is. It means that you're gonna have to 0:09:02.080 --> 0:09:04.040 take a moment to understand. There's gonna have to be 0:09:04.080 --> 0:09:08.720 some grace that has to be made. And realizing that 0:09:08.760 --> 0:09:11.520 when you're dealing with addiction on anything that you have 0:09:11.559 --> 0:09:14.400 done consistency, whether in the right direction or the wrong direction, 0:09:14.720 --> 0:09:17.680 is that it's going to take time. And I know 0:09:17.760 --> 0:09:20.680 when the perfect world, with the rainbows and butterflies, y'all 0:09:20.720 --> 0:09:23.080 would have been scripting, skipping down the street, got some 0:09:23.160 --> 0:09:25.720 ice cream, went to the movies, out to dinner. You 0:09:25.760 --> 0:09:29.200 would have had so much. But you gotta realize what 0:09:29.440 --> 0:09:33.120 it is. And this is a woman just like you 0:09:35.400 --> 0:09:38.600 who is longing for this relationship, a woman just like 0:09:38.679 --> 0:09:42.120 you that deals with addiction. Now, your addiction may not 0:09:42.160 --> 0:09:44.800 be drugs, it may not be a lack of self confidence, 0:09:44.840 --> 0:09:46.920 it may not be you up here sleeping with a 0:09:47.000 --> 0:09:50.160 lot of men, but nevertheless, we all have our addictions. 0:09:53.160 --> 0:09:55.680 So when you say, Dawn, was I wrong, No, you 0:09:55.760 --> 0:09:58.679 weren't wrong. Taking a chance on yourself know you weren't 0:09:58.679 --> 0:10:01.319 wrong for allowing that energy child to feel love. No, 0:10:01.520 --> 0:10:04.320 you weren't wrong for wanting to have a relationship with 0:10:04.400 --> 0:10:07.480 your mother, but perhaps how you approached it could have 0:10:07.480 --> 0:10:10.080 been a little different. And what I mean by that 0:10:10.280 --> 0:10:16.040 is giving it some time, having some understanding about what 0:10:16.080 --> 0:10:19.280 the relifs is, putting yourself in a situation that if 0:10:19.320 --> 0:10:21.959 she were to relapse, that it wasn't such a shock, 0:10:22.000 --> 0:10:24.040 because it sounds like it shocked you to your core, 0:10:28.600 --> 0:10:32.080 and always saying sometimes you gotta treat certain people like 0:10:32.120 --> 0:10:34.600 you got an all white outfit on, And it doesn't 0:10:34.600 --> 0:10:36.920 mean that you don't love them. You just don't allow 0:10:36.960 --> 0:10:39.280 certain people to get too close or to put their 0:10:39.320 --> 0:10:41.080 hands on you. But they can still get a view, 0:10:41.280 --> 0:10:42.959 they can still be in arms reach. I mean, you 0:10:43.040 --> 0:10:45.200 think about it. You got on some nice shoes, you 0:10:45.240 --> 0:10:46.920 got on some all white shoes, you got on that 0:10:47.000 --> 0:10:50.520 all white outfit. You're not leaning across everything, you're not 0:10:50.640 --> 0:10:53.720 walking in all type of climates. You are sure to 0:10:53.760 --> 0:10:57.680 assess the situation. So again, the only fault that I 0:10:57.760 --> 0:11:04.680 put is what were your expectations? Now I don't know 0:11:04.720 --> 0:11:06.720 what her relapse. You didn't tell me if she called 0:11:06.720 --> 0:11:08.880 you outside of your name. You didn't tell me whether 0:11:08.920 --> 0:11:11.280 she stole anything from your house. You didn't tell me 0:11:11.320 --> 0:11:13.160 if she caused you or put you in any type 0:11:13.200 --> 0:11:17.040 of danger. So I really need some more information with 0:11:17.120 --> 0:11:21.600 that relapse. But coming from a person who can understand addiction, 0:11:23.679 --> 0:11:26.640 coming from a person who wants to feel needed, wanted 0:11:26.679 --> 0:11:31.160 and loved, I would probably get some counsel and figure 0:11:31.160 --> 0:11:34.880 out how to circle back on this, because, believe it 0:11:34.960 --> 0:11:37.720 or not, that six year old inside of you is 0:11:37.720 --> 0:11:41.840 still hurting. And to some they just see, oh, I 0:11:41.880 --> 0:11:46.480 had to put my mama out, but you had to 0:11:46.480 --> 0:11:48.840 put the one person that you loaned for out of 0:11:48.880 --> 0:11:52.160 your house. And I'm sure you still hurt. And I 0:11:52.200 --> 0:11:53.960 hope that you get some counsel, and I hope that 0:11:54.000 --> 0:11:56.679 you talk to somebody to not only understand what you 0:11:56.720 --> 0:11:59.840 are feeling, but also understand what it looks like to 0:11:59.840 --> 0:12:02.640 have I have a relationship with somebody that got an addiction. 0:12:03.440 --> 0:12:08.240 Ain't nobody perfect. I feel like when you think about 0:12:08.280 --> 0:12:11.560 relationships and you wouldn't think about love. It's all about 0:12:11.640 --> 0:12:15.920 how hard you're gonna hold on? Are you gonna hold 0:12:16.000 --> 0:12:19.200 on or are you gonna let go? Because yeah, Eva 0:12:19.480 --> 0:12:21.839 twenty nine year old can say I kicked my mama out, 0:12:22.000 --> 0:12:23.920 But what about that six year old girl that just 0:12:23.920 --> 0:12:28.880 felt like she was abandoned? M What about her? Because 0:12:28.920 --> 0:12:31.920 regardless of what you can understand at twenty nine years old, 0:12:32.320 --> 0:12:35.080 that six year old is still hurt and that six 0:12:35.120 --> 0:12:39.240 year old is inside of you. So no, I don't 0:12:39.240 --> 0:12:41.760 think you are wrong. I do think you have to 0:12:41.800 --> 0:12:44.560 evaluate what your expectations are and I feel as though 0:12:44.559 --> 0:12:47.760 you should make room to get some counseling. And if 0:12:47.800 --> 0:12:50.280 you can afford some counseling with her, or a counseling 0:12:50.320 --> 0:12:52.240 session with all of you, I think that would be 0:12:52.280 --> 0:12:54.640 great too, because at the end of the day, she 0:12:54.880 --> 0:12:59.320 was trying. I don't know what stress happened. I don't 0:12:59.360 --> 0:13:02.000 know what trigger, but we all have our triggers. So 0:13:02.920 --> 0:13:08.760 missus Eva Parker from Riverside, California, who came or wrote 0:13:08.760 --> 0:13:12.920 in with the letter, had to put my own mama out. No, 0:13:14.320 --> 0:13:16.760 I don't think you were wrong, and I will never 0:13:16.800 --> 0:13:20.559 fault you and I will never blame you for loving yourself. 0:13:22.200 --> 0:13:25.560 All right, I would love for you to write me 0:13:25.600 --> 0:13:28.640 back and let me know how things are going. I 0:13:28.679 --> 0:13:31.600 know there are quite a few people who have a 0:13:31.640 --> 0:13:34.960 troubling relationship with their parents. Now I may have shared 0:13:35.000 --> 0:13:37.520 with you, I'm not sure, but I didn't have a 0:13:37.559 --> 0:13:40.560 relationship with my dad. My dad died when I was 0:13:40.559 --> 0:13:45.160 three months years old, So I know there is some 0:13:45.240 --> 0:13:48.200 place in me that has daddy issues, but not the 0:13:48.320 --> 0:13:51.440 stereotypical or the plain view of what we say daddy issues. 0:13:52.160 --> 0:13:54.200 My mother was present. Was she perfect? No? But my 0:13:54.240 --> 0:13:57.160 mother was always active. She always showed up. But I 0:13:57.200 --> 0:14:02.079 have heard of situations where parents have abandoned their children, 0:14:02.600 --> 0:14:04.760 they have suffered from abuse. Shoot, I haven't seen it on 0:14:04.800 --> 0:14:09.600 social media of parents and grandparents cussing their kids out. 0:14:10.360 --> 0:14:14.960 I don't know what that looks like. I personally don't 0:14:14.960 --> 0:14:17.120 know what that feels like. But I know what it 0:14:17.160 --> 0:14:18.880 feels like to be loved by my mama, and I 0:14:18.880 --> 0:14:21.680 can't imagine the kind of pain or even wanting to 0:14:21.720 --> 0:14:24.280 feel that love and to not have it at all. 0:14:25.840 --> 0:14:29.040 So yeah, I think you got to get back to 0:14:29.120 --> 0:14:31.920 six year old Eva. I would recommend that you get 0:14:31.920 --> 0:14:33.880 some counseling, and if you can do some counseling with 0:14:33.960 --> 0:14:36.160 all of you guys, do that. So write me back 0:14:36.200 --> 0:14:39.120 and let me know. And that's what I got for 0:14:39.240 --> 0:14:42.840 your answer to your advice letter. All right, now, I 0:14:42.880 --> 0:14:44.840 want to encourage you that if you need an advice 0:14:44.920 --> 0:14:48.720 on your relationships, on your career, on love life, or 0:14:48.760 --> 0:14:52.000 just anything in general, send me an email Vitamin D 0:14:52.200 --> 0:14:57.040 at Dawn Dai speaks dot com. That's Vitamin D at 0:14:57.320 --> 0:15:02.280 dawn Dai speaks dot com. All right, and make sure 0:15:02.280 --> 0:15:04.800 you follow us on on social media at Vitamin D 0:15:05.000 --> 0:15:09.800 Dawn d Ai. And excuse me, you can follow me 0:15:09.840 --> 0:15:15.280 on my own personal social media Dawn d Ai speaks. 0:15:15.480 --> 0:15:17.760 We're gonna keep doing Vitamin D Live if you on TikTok, 0:15:17.840 --> 0:15:20.840 make sure you view us live there. I'll come back 0:15:20.880 --> 0:15:25.000 with some more dates, but in this specific timing. But 0:15:25.080 --> 0:15:30.040 we're doing some things. Yeah, all right, all right, well 0:15:30.120 --> 0:15:32.240 let me let me cut this off because this percrning 0:15:32.360 --> 0:15:35.160 is done. You know, I always say I'm in the 0:15:35.240 --> 0:15:38.280 business of making dreams come true, and I damn show 0:15:38.280 --> 0:15:41.840 ain't gonna forget about mine. So until next time, always 0:15:41.880 --> 0:15:46.000 remember you and your greatest asad get your Vitamin D. 0:15:46.400 --> 0:15:51.200 You right with me, and get excited about your life.