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Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and you're listening to stuff Moon

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Speaker 1: never told you. We are once again joined by my

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Speaker 1: good friend Samantha. Hello Samantha on Young UH. For this

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Speaker 1: our third episode and our mini series on trauma in

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Speaker 1: the Age of Me Too UM, and we figured we

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Speaker 1: would do an entire episode on trauma itself, what it

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Speaker 1: looks like, what it feels like, which just makes sense,

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Speaker 1: I think UM. Our last episode was about grooming and

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Speaker 1: how that leads to abuse. So the next step in

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Speaker 1: that arc of abuse is what comes after, which is

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Speaker 1: often trauma. And we touched on this briefly in our

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Speaker 1: episode around PTSD and c PTSD. UM. These both results

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Speaker 1: from traumas, but oftentimes in our society we hear about

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Speaker 1: it in terms of soldiers and veterans, not so much

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Speaker 1: about in terms of abuse and sexual assault. And that

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Speaker 1: is not to downplay any type of trauma. It's just

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Speaker 1: to say that we don't hear about trauma in terms

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Speaker 1: of what we're talking about sexual assault and abuse that often.

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Speaker 1: And for the trigger warnings for this episode specifically, UM,

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Speaker 1: we're going to be talking about sexual assaults, sexual abuse, abuse,

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Speaker 1: self harming and suicidal ideation, and trauma itself. So if

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Speaker 1: any of those are triggering for you, please take care

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Speaker 1: of yourself and think about yourself before you continue to listen.

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Speaker 1: Take a minute care for yourself. Actually, So let's start

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Speaker 1: with some definitions of the different types of trauma. The

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Speaker 1: American Psychological Association or the APA, defines trauma as quote,

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Speaker 1: the emotional response someone has to an extremely negative event.

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Speaker 1: Trauma is fairly common and normal in the aftermath of

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Speaker 1: a terrible event or events, but depending on the severity,

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Speaker 1: it can majorly impact a person's life and may require

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Speaker 1: outside help to get back to a healthy state of mind.

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Speaker 1: And according to Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration SAMSA,

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Speaker 1: trauma isn't an event, series of events, or sets of

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Speaker 1: circumstances that is experienced by an individual as physically or

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Speaker 1: emotionally harmful or life threatening and that has lasting adverse

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Speaker 1: effects on the individuals functioning and mental, physical, social, emotional,

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Speaker 1: or spiritual well being. Trauma has no boundaries with regard

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Speaker 1: to age, gender, socioeconomic status, race, ethnicity, or sexual orientation.

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Speaker 1: And in an article I was reading before we recorded

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Speaker 1: this from The New Yorker, one Ideaz wrote, trauma is

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Speaker 1: a time traveler and or boros that reaches back and

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Speaker 1: devours everything that came before. Only fragments remain. No one

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Speaker 1: can hide forever. Eventually what used to hold back the

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Speaker 1: truth doesn't work anymore. You run out of escapes, you

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Speaker 1: run out of exits, you run out of gambits, you

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Speaker 1: run out of luck. Eventually the past finds you. And

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Speaker 1: I feel like that is such a powerful quote. I agree,

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Speaker 1: it is a show. You can't ignore what has happened.

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Speaker 1: It has to be treated. You have to care about

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Speaker 1: it because it affects your daily life. Eventually, and I

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Speaker 1: can speak from experience. Eventually, right, it will come out right.

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Speaker 1: Trauma can be caused by a lot of things. Aside

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Speaker 1: from the combat soldiers face, there's also domestic violence, rate,

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Speaker 1: natural disasters, severe illness or injury, death of a loved one,

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Speaker 1: neglect in children, so operation from a parent, which we're

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Speaker 1: seeing as a result of Trump's family separation at the border,

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Speaker 1: witnessing an act of violence. And it is worth noting

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Speaker 1: you don't have to be present at a traumatic event

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Speaker 1: to experience trauma. Although that is usually the case, it

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Speaker 1: doesn't have to be which brings us to secondary trauma,

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Speaker 1: which is also sometimes called compassion fatigue and secondary trauma

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Speaker 1: occurs from witnessing and events police or school shootings. Nine

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Speaker 1: eleven is often brought up or someone in social work

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Speaker 1: like you are, Samantha or first responders. Yeah, it's actually

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Speaker 1: something that really should be monitored, but oftentimes isn't. Communities

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Speaker 1: have actually gotten better with making sure to offer support

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Speaker 1: during major times of crisis, such as a mass shooting

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Speaker 1: or traumatic events, but oftentimes people such as myself a

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Speaker 1: social worker or teachers, first responders are not given that

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Speaker 1: same consideration on a daily basis. The things that we see,

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Speaker 1: the things that we hear often affect our relationships, our

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Speaker 1: daily progress, and even just sleep. I know I struggled

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Speaker 1: with that as a de FACTS worker. When I say

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Speaker 1: de Facts Department Family Children's Services, I often had trouble

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Speaker 1: sleeping and it was a constant thing and we were

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Speaker 1: rarely given um any opportunity to rest because honestly, with

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Speaker 1: that type of field, you don't have time to rest.

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Speaker 1: There's always a crisis. Yeah, and that's something that we

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Speaker 1: need taking to consideration for jobs like that. We need

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Speaker 1: to think about the health and well being of the

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Speaker 1: people who are working in those fields, and we often

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Speaker 1: don't UM Another thing that is common among social workers

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Speaker 1: like yourself is um or anyone who is dealing with

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Speaker 1: someone who has had trauma. Is this secondary thing right

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Speaker 1: And I will tell you right now, majority of people

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Speaker 1: like myself who are in these types of field, we

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Speaker 1: have some type of traumatic background and oftentimes don't see

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Speaker 1: out help because a part of the trauma is to

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Speaker 1: ignore the signs of personal stress or in an inability

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Speaker 1: to see the signs. For myself, the signs of me

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Speaker 1: relapsing in a PTSD moment often begins with physical signs.

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Speaker 1: I often don't recognize it until later down the road.

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Speaker 1: I work in a field when I have to read

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Speaker 1: crimes committed by youth, including sex offenses, and have to

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Speaker 1: train and keep up to date with the issues our

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Speaker 1: community faces, such as we previously talked about the c

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Speaker 1: SEC community, the sexually exploited children, and and then be

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Speaker 1: abuse and neglect. And just a little backstory on my

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Speaker 1: personal history. I was originally born in South Korea and

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Speaker 1: was placed in an orphanage at a young age. Um

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Speaker 1: and yes I mean legit orphanage with life physics for missionaries.

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Speaker 1: All the above not quite as destitute as the any

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Speaker 1: orphan movie depiction, but not the best either. And I

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Speaker 1: was subjected to abuse and the collect from both my

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Speaker 1: biological family and from the orphanage, and even experienced sexual

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Speaker 1: abuse when I was brought to the u S. And

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Speaker 1: being a social worker, I can be triggered often, and

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Speaker 1: as I said before, I'm not the only one. We

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Speaker 1: have a need to protect others and advocate for others

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Speaker 1: because of the experiences that we have, and that's kind

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Speaker 1: of how we began our career stance. But that doesn't

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Speaker 1: neglect the fact that we have trauma in our own

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Speaker 1: selves and on our past, and it causes a lot

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Speaker 1: of issues in our daily lives. Yeah, and as I've

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Speaker 1: mentioned before, I'm so thrilled I got put on the

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Speaker 1: show as an intern. But the reason I got to

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Speaker 1: put on it was because I was the only woman,

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Speaker 1: and uh, I was triggered all the time, and I

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Speaker 1: didn't know what to do about it, and I I

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Speaker 1: developed what I call the callous. So now people ask

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Speaker 1: me like, well, how do you do those jobs I have?

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Speaker 1: I have this very extensive callous and that's a common

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Speaker 1: question for me as well, how do you do stop?

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Speaker 1: I couldn't do this about where you blah, blah blah

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Speaker 1: blah blah, And it's true. I understand some people are

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Speaker 1: not able to do it. Honestly, I kind of wish

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Speaker 1: I didn't have to do it, and I kind of

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Speaker 1: wish I didn't experience some of the things. Who wants

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Speaker 1: to go through these things? But at the same time,

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Speaker 1: I agree with that callus you have to move on.

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Speaker 1: And I will say social workers have some of the

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Speaker 1: most obscene sense of humors because we have to in

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Speaker 1: order to cope with some of the things that we see. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I understand. Another type of trauma is temporary trauma. Are

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Speaker 1: acute trauma, which is what occurs after a single event

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Speaker 1: like a car accident or a hurricane. There's chronic trauma,

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Speaker 1: repeated traumatic events that occur over a long period of time,

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Speaker 1: or like ongoing abuser neglect. And then there is complex trauma.

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Speaker 1: There are four components to complex trauma. One it begins

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Speaker 1: in childhood, that two continues over time, and three frequently

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Speaker 1: takes place in a caregiving relationship where the caretaker is

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Speaker 1: the threat or for a variety of reasons, cannot support,

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Speaker 1: nurture or protect the child from the threat. That results

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Speaker 1: in for immediate and long term impacts that manifest in

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Speaker 1: many ways. Then there's historical trauma, which is collective cumulative

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Speaker 1: trauma experienced by a particular group, like slavery or colonization, homophobia.

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Speaker 1: There's racial trauma, racial harassment, and experiencing or witnessing racial violence.

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Speaker 1: All of these deserve their own episodes. I want to

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Speaker 1: bring in people to talk about that. Um there's re traumatization.

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Speaker 1: This is conscious or unconscious reminder of past trauma that

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Speaker 1: leads to re experiencing the traumatic event, and we're going

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Speaker 1: to talk about that more in this episode. But in

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Speaker 1: the era of hashtag me too, this is everywhere, right

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Speaker 1: and let's just remind that it may not just be

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Speaker 1: one specific thing. There's several forms of trauma and you

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Speaker 1: may be suffering or an individual who may be suffering

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Speaker 1: from several of these categories. And sometimes this makes it

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Speaker 1: even more difficult to try to diagnose, but we'll get

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Speaker 1: into that later on. Yes, and I did want to

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Speaker 1: know there's also a physical trauma, which is broken bones

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Speaker 1: of your burn earns, but that's not really what we're

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Speaker 1: talking about today. I did want to mention it, but

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Speaker 1: it's not what we're really direct and just to put

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Speaker 1: it out there. Physical trauma can lead to self harming

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Speaker 1: and violent outbursts and physical forms. So there are definitely

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Speaker 1: reactive things to what we feel. And that's could be

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Speaker 1: the severity of abuse, physical abuse which kind of can

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Speaker 1: follow into repeat abuse of yourself because this is what

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Speaker 1: you know as a form of a punishment or disciplinity action.

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Speaker 1: That's a long story and again we're not going to

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Speaker 1: go into that, but it definitely has occurred, right, and

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Speaker 1: it can also be perhaps related to other forms of trauma.

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Speaker 1: Maybe you are experiencing physical trauma as a result of abuse,

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Speaker 1: and again you can have more than one of these traumas.

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Speaker 1: So let's look at some stats. Um, Like we said,

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Speaker 1: a lot of stats around PTSD, which is, as the

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Speaker 1: names suggests, post traumatic stress disorder a big part of this.

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Speaker 1: A lot of those numbers are based on veterans and

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Speaker 1: people who have served in the army. But each year,

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Speaker 1: the Department of Veterans Affairs estimates five point two million

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Speaker 1: people suffer post traumatic stress disorder and seven to eight

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Speaker 1: percent of the population will experience PTSD seven to eight percent.

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Speaker 1: That probably sounded like seven to eight which as the

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Speaker 1: name applies, Yeah, this is very common. If you've gone

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Speaker 1: to any kind of traumatic event. Women are more likely

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Speaker 1: to develop PTSD than men. Women with four or more

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Speaker 1: PTSD symptoms developed cardiovascular disease at six or higher. And

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Speaker 1: that just is to reinforce this is a physical It

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Speaker 1: impacts you physically mentally, It has all this reach that

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Speaker 1: I think we forget about, right and just just to

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Speaker 1: could put it out there again, with the Department Veterans Affairs,

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Speaker 1: they had to have their own individual department because of

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Speaker 1: the vast amounts of PTSD that was happening from wars,

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Speaker 1: from training even that that was that severe, and honestly,

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Speaker 1: because it is a group and a collective, it was

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Speaker 1: easier to gather evidence to see exactly how or what

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Speaker 1: they were suffering from. So that is why this exists.

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Speaker 1: And we know many many people in the military and

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Speaker 1: the things that have to go through in order to

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Speaker 1: become a part of a unit that fights together is

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Speaker 1: a breaking down of theirselves as an individual. So that

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Speaker 1: has a whole lot of Again, this is also another

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Speaker 1: podcast which any I'm glad to do, I'll be back.

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Speaker 1: I'm just saying, but it is more and more information

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Speaker 1: and this is how it's kind of trickled down as

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Speaker 1: we look at trauma and what trauma looks like and

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Speaker 1: how that affects into the individual common people. I guess

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Speaker 1: what is that common? What is that when they're not

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Speaker 1: they're not military, they're not Oh my goodness, sorry, Andrew,

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Speaker 1: you havenna have a lot of work to do. So.

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Speaker 1: Untreated trauma related alcohol and drug abuse cost one hundred

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Speaker 1: sixty one billion dollars in two thousand and learns. So

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Speaker 1: not only is this a mental and physical problem, but

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Speaker 1: it's an economic problem if we want to look at

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Speaker 1: it that way, because that's the only way our country

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Speaker 1: likes to take things. Seriously, I'm honestly me being in

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Speaker 1: the juvenile justice system, we see this as a thing

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Speaker 1: we actually have to go back and look what's the

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Speaker 1: most cost effective treatment and just detaining kids who probably

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Speaker 1: have some type of mental health diagnosis, because this is

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Speaker 1: what we are seeing more and more of, and that's

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Speaker 1: now becoming more apparent than it is trauma related that

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Speaker 1: we are understanding. Oh my goodness, this is costing us

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Speaker 1: so much money for not treating it because a lot

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Speaker 1: of this could be preventative. And when I say preventative,

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Speaker 1: not the trauma part, but before they hit an endpoint

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Speaker 1: where they have complete destruction, whether it's physical destruction of

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Speaker 1: themselves or their community. But when once you start looking

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Speaker 1: at the physcal cost of it, it is better to

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Speaker 1: treat and to recognize and diagnose at an early stage. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and I um, I've mentioned before I have a wonderful

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Speaker 1: friend who is a traveling nurse. And actually when I

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Speaker 1: mentioned that we were doing this and um that I

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Speaker 1: had this friend that was a social worker and she

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Speaker 1: was coming on the podcast with me, she she wanted

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Speaker 1: to meet you because she said that that has become

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Speaker 1: a part of her job that she did not expect

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Speaker 1: that a lot of times people come in too because

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Speaker 1: she works in the emergency room in the emergency room

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Speaker 1: and they have some kind of trauma or mental issue

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Speaker 1: that she is not trained to deal with, but she

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Speaker 1: is expected to deal with, right And it I think

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Speaker 1: it illustrates that this is a really big problem that

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Speaker 1: we're not treating. It's a health problem. That's exactly what

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Speaker 1: it comes down to. Because whether or not you want

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Speaker 1: to admit a mental health affects her physical health, which

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Speaker 1: is why we have to have this conversation of in

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Speaker 1: the end, if you don't treat yoursel off as you

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Speaker 1: told them the quote, it does come back to haunt you. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: you can't out run it forever. And of people in

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Speaker 1: the United States experienced trauma before the age of sixteen.

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Speaker 1: That's one for In some places the number is higher

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Speaker 1: some places that I read closer to sixty. This is

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Speaker 1: probably something that is underreported, right, And you gotta also

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Speaker 1: remember metro areas versus suburbs. This is what I've seen

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Speaker 1: working in Georgia, and my focus is within the metro

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Speaker 1: area Atlanta, Bolton County, Clayton County, versus being out in

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Speaker 1: l J, Georgia, which is where I'm from, all the

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Speaker 1: apples in the mountains, which is a little different because

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Speaker 1: the level of violence that you see, the level of

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Speaker 1: gang activity that you see are lower in suburban areas

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Speaker 1: than is in the actual city parts. Right, those city

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Speaker 1: parts for a city. Apparently I'm silver Melogy because I

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Speaker 1: was all city folks. I'll just stay there. That sounds

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Speaker 1: like how my family talks about me. So if you're

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Speaker 1: tapping into I think this is my l J coming

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Speaker 1: out and eventually you'll you'll him so much more. Do

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Speaker 1: you think that I'm a city folks? I do because

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Speaker 1: you also dressed up in costumes that I don't understand

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Speaker 1: and celebrate. This wakes at a time, costumes, shavings. I

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Speaker 1: put on clothes, but I also podcast. Now I'm talking

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Speaker 1: about costumes, talking about I'm talking about Spiderman costume. I

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Speaker 1: bring up the spider I'm just saying, that's a city

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Speaker 1: folks thing. That's fair. That is a fair point. Um.

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Speaker 1: If we look at l g B t q I folks, um,

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Speaker 1: l g B t q I youth experienced trauma at

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Speaker 1: a higher rate than their straight counterparts, resulting from things

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Speaker 1: like assault, harascent, building, intimate partner violence, physical and sexual abuse,

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Speaker 1: and social stigma, bias and rejection politics. You can also

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Speaker 1: look at the intersection of like something like the shooting

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Speaker 1: in Orlando, which is traumatic on multiple levels. And I'll

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Speaker 1: add um with the partner intimate partner violence, it is

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Speaker 1: probably one of the least reported because you oftentimes have

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Speaker 1: a confusion of well can you hurt each other, you're

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Speaker 1: both female, you're both male, blah blah blah, and it's

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Speaker 1: oftentimes under reported, like I said before, and or not

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Speaker 1: even considered partner violence and more dismissed. Yes, Um. Recently,

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Speaker 1: I was researching um consents for a different episode, and

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Speaker 1: I was reading stories about women who were saying that

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Speaker 1: they had been essentially assaulted by a female partner and

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Speaker 1: the police show up and they're like, that asked, not

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Speaker 1: possible exactly. It's kind of back to the point of

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Speaker 1: First of all, the l g b t q I

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Speaker 1: community are not regarded as full citizens, which is ridiculous

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Speaker 1: in itself. And then you start looking at these stereotypes

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Speaker 1: in which police and a lot of other people start

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Speaker 1: heavily leading on instead of seeing it for what it is,

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Speaker 1: which is, yes, this is if there are partners, and

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Speaker 1: if the one person is showing dominance of another in

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Speaker 1: a violent manner, that is an abusive relationship. Yeah. And

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Speaker 1: another problem that plays into that that we don't have

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Speaker 1: time to delve into right now, but is laws, because

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Speaker 1: right now rape is defined is pretty much penetrative sex

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Speaker 1: with a penis in vagina, vaginal sex um. But you

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Speaker 1: this is so glossed over because our laws are not

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Speaker 1: there and because we don't. Yeah, like you said, people

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Speaker 1: of the lgbt q I community are treated as second

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Speaker 1: class um compared to heteronormative and sus gendered folks. There

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Speaker 1: at one point six to three point nine times more

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Speaker 1: likely to develop PTSD. It's very specific numbers. Yeah, and

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Speaker 1: I've said a million times, not a million, but a

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Speaker 1: lot on this show that there is not enough research

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Speaker 1: that is outside of our heteronormative realm. And so I'm

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Speaker 1: happy there is research around this. But it is new

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Speaker 1: and it's ongoing, So I'm glad that it exists. I

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Speaker 1: wanted to continue to exist and to grow and expand.

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Speaker 1: But um, yeah, normally I can't find any numbers around

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Speaker 1: this stuff. So I'm just glad, even if they're depressing conforts.

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Speaker 1: I'm glad that we're looking into it. The more you know,

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Speaker 1: the more you know. Indeed, we have some more of

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Speaker 1: this discussion around trauma, but first we have a quick

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Speaker 1: break for word from our sponsor, and we're back, Thank

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Speaker 1: you sponsor. So what does trauma look like? It can

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Speaker 1: manifest and a lot of ways and look like a

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Speaker 1: lot of different things, depending on the person and the events.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes the symptoms are unnoticeable even to the person experiencing

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Speaker 1: it and the person's friends and family. All of these

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Speaker 1: that were about to discuss take place over the short

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Speaker 1: or long term, which long term could be lasting years

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Speaker 1: and years and years. Um. Long term effects are generally

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Speaker 1: more severe. The sooner someone is able to get help,

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Speaker 1: the better when it comes to successful treatment. Correct. And

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Speaker 1: I would say with that, you have to remember again,

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Speaker 1: trauma has been fairly new and so therefore people don't

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Speaker 1: even recognize it as its own entity, and oftentimes will say, oh,

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Speaker 1: she's just having an episode. It would be dismissed fairly regularly,

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Speaker 1: and or oh, I'm just sad, and or oh, I

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Speaker 1: just feel down today, overly anxious. It is misdiagnosed in

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Speaker 1: our own selves and we don't understand what is happening. So,

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Speaker 1: even though this has been around forever and ever, the

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Speaker 1: idea of trauma informed whatever, however, whether it's therapy, trauma

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Speaker 1: informed um treatments, trauma informed diagnosis, it is new. And

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Speaker 1: when we start hearing back from families of like, oh,

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Speaker 1: you start looking back and like, oh, okay, that's what

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Speaker 1: that was, it is it's definitely a newer way of

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Speaker 1: looking at what we're going through and the severity of

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Speaker 1: what it is. Yeah, And I feel like kind of

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Speaker 1: related to that is this idea that you'll just get

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Speaker 1: over it, like it's a passing thing. You're sad right now,

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Speaker 1: but you'll get over it. I feel like that's how

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Speaker 1: our society has been around this for a while. And

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Speaker 1: I don't want to speak for other countries, but I

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Speaker 1: have traveled a lot and I can say in those

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Speaker 1: other countries I saw a similar thing where it was

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Speaker 1: like you don't get therapy, like you don't admit that

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Speaker 1: you have some kind of mental problem or like things

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Speaker 1: that you have to work through. And I'm hoping that

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Speaker 1: we're moving away from that, right. I think that's something again,

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Speaker 1: this could be a whole different episode about therapy and

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Speaker 1: treatment and destigmatizing what that is and why we need it,

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Speaker 1: because as a social worker, we often talk about the

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Speaker 1: fact everyone needs therapy, whether you want to admit it

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Speaker 1: or not, whether it's because your mother was too cleany,

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Speaker 1: or whether it's bigger right, even one of those things,

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Speaker 1: it is something that you need to deal with because

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Speaker 1: it does affect you. And who doesn't want to be

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Speaker 1: better in their lives because oftentimes, when you correct yourself,

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Speaker 1: you're able to give more. UM is absolutely loving yourself

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Speaker 1: and being able to love others. I know, like St.

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Speaker 1: Augustin quote, is love and do as you please, and

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Speaker 1: essentially it's for you too. Literally that if you love

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Speaker 1: something or someone, you want the best for them, that

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Speaker 1: goes for yourself. Yeah, and I've said but for on

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Speaker 1: this show, I have a friend in particular I'm thinking of.

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Speaker 1: But um, my number one advice to her is that

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Speaker 1: she needs to become okay with herself because she's always

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Speaker 1: seeking someone, usually a man, usually a relationship to make

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Speaker 1: her happy. But she's so miserable by herself. And to me,

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Speaker 1: you need to become okay with yourself and then you'll

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Speaker 1: be a whole person in a relationship. Like you don't

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Speaker 1: you complete me? That's a lie, Like that's you need

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Speaker 1: to complete yourself and that person needs to complete themselves.

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Speaker 1: And then you're compatible and then you're both living your

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Speaker 1: own lives but also complimenting each other. This is a tangent.

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Speaker 1: That's just my beliefs. I was gonna say, just going

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Speaker 1: back into the trauma part, this is why treatment is important.

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Speaker 1: This is why I'm being able to recognize it. It's important.

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Speaker 1: And this is why having a plan is important. It

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Speaker 1: is and we a little while back, we had an

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Speaker 1: episode all of horror movies called why Didn't You Believe Her?

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Speaker 1: But this this next bit is related to that um

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Speaker 1: and the immediate aftermath of a traumaic event. Someone might

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Speaker 1: appear shaken or disoriented, and they might appear withdrawn or

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Speaker 1: they might refuse to speak. They might not remember key details,

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Speaker 1: or they may remember inaccurately, or they might remember seemingly

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Speaker 1: random details very vividly. And I Yeah, we talked about

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Speaker 1: this a little bit in past episodes of how that

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Speaker 1: can look like two police officers responding as being cold

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Speaker 1: or playing into the idea that someone typically in this case,

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Speaker 1: someone who has experienced sexual assault is quote faking it. Um,

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00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:52,160
Speaker 1: they aren't the emotional mess that police or responders are expecting. Yeah,

402
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Speaker 1: And to add in their memory or repression due to

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Speaker 1: traumatic events are actually more common than people know. Disassociate

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Speaker 1: of amnesia and inability to we call autobiographical information. This

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00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:06,480
Speaker 1: could be specific to an event, selective, or overall generic

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Speaker 1: in terms of identity or of life's history. There are

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Speaker 1: many events that I still can't remember, but experience a

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Speaker 1: lot of PTSC moments due to let say, smell, taste,

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Speaker 1: or even emotion with that actual link to an event,

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Speaker 1: and you have to remember memory repression and suppression could

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Speaker 1: be a defensive tactic. And I think that's what we

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Speaker 1: don't understand when we inaccurately remember things. It's not because

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Speaker 1: we're trying to falsify information, is because our mind is

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Speaker 1: trying to protect from something that you can't handle. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and we're going to get into some of the science

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Speaker 1: around that. And from personal experience, I can say, yes,

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Speaker 1: I remember the weirdest things very vividly, specifically what I

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Speaker 1: was wearing. I remember what I was wearing in like

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Speaker 1: every occasion. Some other things, important things I don't know,

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Speaker 1: but I remember. And I could have everything to do

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Speaker 1: with again, and you protecting yourself and focusing on something insignificant, Yeah,

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00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:07,680
Speaker 1: it's something like anything to take your mind off of

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Speaker 1: this horrible, right event that's happening. One of the key

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Speaker 1: hallmarks of trauma is anxiety. That's a big one. It

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Speaker 1: can display in a lot of different ways. Mood swings,

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Speaker 1: night terrors, edginess, irritability, and inability to concentrate. Those are

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00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:29,359
Speaker 1: just some of the identifiers of anxiety. There's a there's

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Speaker 1: a lot more. Emotional responses are one of the most

429
00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:37,800
Speaker 1: common ways trauma manifests. So you've got anger, depression, um depression,

430
00:26:37,800 --> 00:26:41,879
Speaker 1: and trauma have very high rates of comorbidity. Depression is

431
00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:45,320
Speaker 1: a long lasting malaise or feelings of despair, sadness, lack

432
00:26:45,359 --> 00:26:47,159
Speaker 1: of interest. I know a lot of you probably know

433
00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:50,119
Speaker 1: what it is, but just to be clear. According to

434
00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:53,480
Speaker 1: the Department of Veterans Affairs, rates of depression occur three

435
00:26:53,520 --> 00:26:57,439
Speaker 1: to five times more often among those that have experienced

436
00:26:57,560 --> 00:27:01,600
Speaker 1: trauma and PTSD as compared to those that haven't. Honestly,

437
00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:04,240
Speaker 1: this is one of my go to emotions after being triggered,

438
00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:06,760
Speaker 1: and sometimes I don't even recognize it until after a

439
00:27:06,760 --> 00:27:09,560
Speaker 1: certain amount of time. I've gotten a lot better at

440
00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:13,080
Speaker 1: recognizing my own physical signs and have have to put

441
00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:16,800
Speaker 1: an action for myself to protect myself, um and to

442
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:20,879
Speaker 1: make sure that I'm okay. Yeah, And that's that's something

443
00:27:20,920 --> 00:27:25,399
Speaker 1: I think is very keys learning in yourself these things

444
00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:27,880
Speaker 1: that are triggering and what it does, and then having

445
00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:31,400
Speaker 1: a plan in place. That's something that I have had

446
00:27:31,440 --> 00:27:34,520
Speaker 1: to learn and has been very helpful for me. Denial

447
00:27:34,680 --> 00:27:39,440
Speaker 1: is a big thing. Feelings of intense helplessness, low self esteem,

448
00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:44,120
Speaker 1: emotional outbursts, particularly towards friends and family. This often results

449
00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:48,960
Speaker 1: and pushing away those that can help you, and then guilts, blame,

450
00:27:49,400 --> 00:27:54,320
Speaker 1: and survivor's guilt, particularly specifically talking about survival guilt. If

451
00:27:54,359 --> 00:27:57,320
Speaker 1: you look at family and friends of perpetrators. Example R.

452
00:27:57,440 --> 00:28:01,240
Speaker 1: Kelly's daughter who just went we only posted a pretty

453
00:28:01,240 --> 00:28:05,000
Speaker 1: intense post regarding her relationship with her father R. Kelly.

454
00:28:05,320 --> 00:28:09,399
Speaker 1: And let's go ahead and say and make this clear.

455
00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:11,320
Speaker 1: It is not the fault of the people connected to

456
00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:15,199
Speaker 1: the perpetrators. And oftentimes they are victims as well. We

457
00:28:15,280 --> 00:28:17,720
Speaker 1: need to be sure to remember that because they are

458
00:28:17,760 --> 00:28:20,359
Speaker 1: also probably going through some type of trauma, whether or

459
00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:23,359
Speaker 1: not you want to believe it, but oftentimes this is

460
00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:26,640
Speaker 1: part of the survivor of guilt, or not necessarily survivor guilt,

461
00:28:26,640 --> 00:28:29,480
Speaker 1: but just guilt in general. And I will say part

462
00:28:29,520 --> 00:28:31,480
Speaker 1: of the reason I am a social worker is due

463
00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:33,480
Speaker 1: to my survivor's guilt. And I feel the need to

464
00:28:33,520 --> 00:28:37,120
Speaker 1: advocate and help others because I was able to survive

465
00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:39,920
Speaker 1: such a horrible incidents that I want to make sure

466
00:28:39,960 --> 00:28:42,120
Speaker 1: that other kids can do so. And I think it's

467
00:28:42,200 --> 00:28:45,720
Speaker 1: really important that we advocate for those who can't for themselves.

468
00:28:45,760 --> 00:28:49,200
Speaker 1: And as you know, why you were being victimized, you

469
00:28:49,200 --> 00:28:51,560
Speaker 1: weren't really able to advocate for yourself. Because you're trying

470
00:28:51,600 --> 00:28:53,360
Speaker 1: to figure out what was happening in your life at

471
00:28:53,400 --> 00:28:56,200
Speaker 1: that point in time. Yeah, and that's part of the

472
00:28:56,240 --> 00:29:00,840
Speaker 1: reason we're doing this UM, and we're going to return

473
00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:05,920
Speaker 1: to survivor's guilts in a future episode because it is

474
00:29:05,960 --> 00:29:09,680
Speaker 1: a big part of this whole arc that we're talking about. UM.

475
00:29:09,720 --> 00:29:13,080
Speaker 1: But if we look at physical responses, there are a

476
00:29:13,080 --> 00:29:17,280
Speaker 1: lot um weight loss, weight gain, headaches, stomach pain or indigestion,

477
00:29:17,440 --> 00:29:21,400
Speaker 1: frequent crying, aches and pains, muscle tension. A lot of

478
00:29:21,440 --> 00:29:23,360
Speaker 1: listeners have written in and said they've had to go

479
00:29:23,440 --> 00:29:28,680
Speaker 1: to physical therapy for PTSD essentially because they're so tense.

480
00:29:29,280 --> 00:29:34,040
Speaker 1: UM A loss of sleep, paleness, lethargy, fatigue, loss of energy,

481
00:29:34,120 --> 00:29:39,640
Speaker 1: inability to socialize for concentration, anxiety or panic attacks like

482
00:29:39,880 --> 00:29:43,200
Speaker 1: racing heartbeat, inability to cope. These are things that are

483
00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:46,920
Speaker 1: going to impact how you can contribute to society and

484
00:29:46,960 --> 00:29:50,800
Speaker 1: how just happy and well you can be as a person.

485
00:29:51,400 --> 00:29:54,320
Speaker 1: And also as a reminder, these physical signs maybe what

486
00:29:54,400 --> 00:29:57,320
Speaker 1: you notice before anything else. So if you do see

487
00:29:57,360 --> 00:30:00,080
Speaker 1: some of these signs, you need to look back and

488
00:30:00,160 --> 00:30:03,680
Speaker 1: see what may have cost this because exactly like the

489
00:30:03,720 --> 00:30:06,880
Speaker 1: whole stiffness thing. My shoulders and my neck went out

490
00:30:07,000 --> 00:30:10,160
Speaker 1: when I was at the Family and Children's Services because

491
00:30:10,160 --> 00:30:12,240
Speaker 1: I had an incident that triggered me and I was

492
00:30:12,360 --> 00:30:15,600
Speaker 1: losing sleep and I was having the secondary trauma and

493
00:30:15,680 --> 00:30:18,760
Speaker 1: I literally could not move my neck for a good

494
00:30:18,800 --> 00:30:21,040
Speaker 1: two days. I still had to work, and I did,

495
00:30:21,400 --> 00:30:23,480
Speaker 1: but it was probably one of the most painful experiences

496
00:30:23,520 --> 00:30:25,440
Speaker 1: that I had, and it was absolutely due to the

497
00:30:25,480 --> 00:30:31,080
Speaker 1: trauma that I was not addressing. And I have recently

498
00:30:31,080 --> 00:30:34,160
Speaker 1: come to the conclusion that that is part of why

499
00:30:35,040 --> 00:30:38,280
Speaker 1: I went to physical therapy for like three years and

500
00:30:38,360 --> 00:30:41,200
Speaker 1: I got better, but it was still not It didn't

501
00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:44,280
Speaker 1: go away, and it was basically because they told me,

502
00:30:44,760 --> 00:30:48,480
Speaker 1: you can't relax, relax, and to me, I was relaxing,

503
00:30:48,560 --> 00:30:54,040
Speaker 1: but I'm just tense all the time. Another part of

504
00:30:54,040 --> 00:30:58,640
Speaker 1: this conversation is suicidal ideation, and I want to include

505
00:30:58,680 --> 00:31:00,680
Speaker 1: in here. We're gonna again end We're going to come

506
00:31:00,720 --> 00:31:04,160
Speaker 1: back to this in a future episode. But l G

507
00:31:04,280 --> 00:31:06,720
Speaker 1: B t q I folks are three times more likely

508
00:31:06,760 --> 00:31:11,040
Speaker 1: to comtemplate suicide and five times more likely to attempt

509
00:31:11,120 --> 00:31:18,600
Speaker 1: to when compared to heterosexual people. That is horrifying. And also, um, yeah,

510
00:31:18,640 --> 00:31:22,000
Speaker 1: we're we're gonna come back to that. And again this

511
00:31:22,040 --> 00:31:25,200
Speaker 1: goes hand in hand with depression and anxiety, so siddal

512
00:31:25,200 --> 00:31:28,680
Speaker 1: adeation often comes together with that. So that's something to

513
00:31:28,720 --> 00:31:32,000
Speaker 1: think on when you start trying to evaluate your emotions

514
00:31:32,000 --> 00:31:34,920
Speaker 1: in your mental health as well. Yes, UM, And then

515
00:31:34,960 --> 00:31:39,400
Speaker 1: if we look specifically at PTSD, c PTSD, secondary PTSD,

516
00:31:40,240 --> 00:31:43,440
Speaker 1: all those ptsd s, the most common response to trauma

517
00:31:43,640 --> 00:31:47,040
Speaker 1: is post traumatic stress disorder. And again we have a

518
00:31:47,040 --> 00:31:50,040
Speaker 1: whole episode c PTSD that you can see for more.

519
00:31:50,080 --> 00:31:53,360
Speaker 1: But for a rundown of symptoms from the A p A.

520
00:31:54,000 --> 00:31:59,120
Speaker 1: It includes one recollections of the traumatic events occur currently

521
00:31:59,760 --> 00:32:03,920
Speaker 1: and to include images, thoughts, and perceptions. In children, play

522
00:32:04,000 --> 00:32:06,840
Speaker 1: may take place in which themes or aspects of the

523
00:32:06,920 --> 00:32:12,680
Speaker 1: incident are expressed. Nightmares often regularly and involve images or

524
00:32:12,800 --> 00:32:16,160
Speaker 1: impressions of the traumatic event. Oh my god, I went

525
00:32:16,200 --> 00:32:20,480
Speaker 1: through that so much. UM. Flashbacks happen or situations in

526
00:32:20,480 --> 00:32:23,000
Speaker 1: which the person acts or feels as if the traumatic

527
00:32:23,040 --> 00:32:27,520
Speaker 1: event were happening all over again. This may include hallucinations

528
00:32:27,680 --> 00:32:32,520
Speaker 1: and disassociative events UM, including those that occur on waking

529
00:32:33,240 --> 00:32:36,360
Speaker 1: or while intoxicated. And with that we can actually talk

530
00:32:36,360 --> 00:32:40,360
Speaker 1: about self medication and why people do it often because

531
00:32:40,360 --> 00:32:45,200
Speaker 1: of those vivid flashbacks. Yeah, and we're gonna get into

532
00:32:45,400 --> 00:32:48,480
Speaker 1: that a bit a bit more, but first we have

533
00:32:48,520 --> 00:33:01,000
Speaker 1: a quick break for words formar sponsor and we're back.

534
00:33:01,040 --> 00:33:04,600
Speaker 1: Thank you sponsor. Like we said, it was like a

535
00:33:04,720 --> 00:33:07,720
Speaker 1: hundred and sixty one billion dollars. I think, um, that's

536
00:33:07,760 --> 00:33:12,800
Speaker 1: a lot people self medicating to deal with stuff like this.

537
00:33:13,720 --> 00:33:18,080
Speaker 1: Number four is pronounced psychological distress at exposure to queues

538
00:33:18,320 --> 00:33:22,200
Speaker 1: internal or external that may be taken to symbolize or

539
00:33:22,280 --> 00:33:27,040
Speaker 1: too resemble some aspect of the traumatic event. Yeah, as

540
00:33:27,120 --> 00:33:29,840
Speaker 1: I spoke about earlier, I have moments of panic from

541
00:33:29,920 --> 00:33:33,600
Speaker 1: perceived threats that aren't actually threats. One example would be

542
00:33:33,600 --> 00:33:36,280
Speaker 1: while I was in an elevator in college U g A.

543
00:33:37,080 --> 00:33:40,000
Speaker 1: I was boxed in by several men, and other than

544
00:33:40,040 --> 00:33:42,920
Speaker 1: being loud and obnoxious, they really weren't doing anything wrong.

545
00:33:43,200 --> 00:33:45,800
Speaker 1: But I began to panic and had had an anxiety

546
00:33:45,840 --> 00:33:48,560
Speaker 1: attack due to being triggered from the events from my

547
00:33:48,600 --> 00:33:51,280
Speaker 1: time to the orphanage with groups of men. And it

548
00:33:51,280 --> 00:33:53,360
Speaker 1: took me a while to realize exactly why I had

549
00:33:53,400 --> 00:33:56,400
Speaker 1: no control over my emotions or reactions to that moment.

550
00:33:56,880 --> 00:33:59,720
Speaker 1: I didn't understand what I was going through at that time.

551
00:34:00,520 --> 00:34:04,200
Speaker 1: I'm pretty I'm a pretty strong individual, and I kind

552
00:34:04,240 --> 00:34:07,960
Speaker 1: of rely on that um what they call sassy For

553
00:34:08,120 --> 00:34:13,120
Speaker 1: all intent purposes, I'm sassy um. But when it comes

554
00:34:13,120 --> 00:34:16,400
Speaker 1: to moments of being threatened or triggered, I become almost

555
00:34:16,400 --> 00:34:21,520
Speaker 1: shut down, and I become quiet, and I don't know

556
00:34:21,560 --> 00:34:23,520
Speaker 1: how to react, and I go into a panic mode.

557
00:34:23,640 --> 00:34:26,440
Speaker 1: And for me, panic mode is to stand still like

558
00:34:26,520 --> 00:34:30,960
Speaker 1: the flight flight flight, or freeze. I freeze oftentimes, and

559
00:34:31,000 --> 00:34:33,360
Speaker 1: it's not the best reaction, but that's what I've learned

560
00:34:33,480 --> 00:34:36,120
Speaker 1: trying to be invisible, and honestly, that causes such a

561
00:34:36,120 --> 00:34:38,880
Speaker 1: panic attack for me. And moments like that where I'm like,

562
00:34:39,000 --> 00:34:42,479
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, there's actually nothing wrong, but I feel

563
00:34:42,480 --> 00:34:45,160
Speaker 1: like any moment it could turn and it begins to

564
00:34:45,239 --> 00:34:47,680
Speaker 1: grow inside of me, and I'm just like, oh my gosh,

565
00:34:47,680 --> 00:34:52,359
Speaker 1: what do I do? And then blank, Yeah, And that's

566
00:34:52,440 --> 00:34:58,640
Speaker 1: something um I I think we'll probably return to. But

567
00:34:59,200 --> 00:35:04,560
Speaker 1: for me, I often get told not a brag, but

568
00:35:04,600 --> 00:35:08,040
Speaker 1: I often get told I'm a very strong person. This

569
00:35:08,160 --> 00:35:12,000
Speaker 1: is why I like you. But then if if something

570
00:35:12,320 --> 00:35:18,320
Speaker 1: triggers me and I feel like I am a fake Essentially,

571
00:35:18,400 --> 00:35:21,120
Speaker 1: it's like a weird imposter syndrome. It is. It is

572
00:35:21,160 --> 00:35:25,440
Speaker 1: a whole circular pattern where you know you have grown

573
00:35:25,480 --> 00:35:28,200
Speaker 1: to this person to be strong and independent, and then

574
00:35:28,680 --> 00:35:31,000
Speaker 1: you feel a moment of weakness because of the traumas

575
00:35:31,000 --> 00:35:34,400
Speaker 1: that have happened in your life, and then you feel like,

576
00:35:34,440 --> 00:35:36,799
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, why didn't I do better? And you

577
00:35:36,760 --> 00:35:39,120
Speaker 1: start taking yourself and you start feeling guilty for not

578
00:35:39,200 --> 00:35:43,920
Speaker 1: defending yourself because in your mind you should have done A, B,

579
00:35:44,080 --> 00:35:48,200
Speaker 1: C and D. But that's not acted to you that way,

580
00:35:48,400 --> 00:35:53,160
Speaker 1: not how that works. It's not and um, I've come

581
00:35:53,200 --> 00:35:55,560
Speaker 1: around to that, but it is something that I've recognized.

582
00:35:55,600 --> 00:36:01,279
Speaker 1: It's like I shouldn't feel weak for worth it. PTSD

583
00:36:01,719 --> 00:36:06,560
Speaker 1: can be acute, ongoing or chronic like complex PTSD c

584
00:36:06,719 --> 00:36:12,360
Speaker 1: PTSD for severe, short lived symptoms, usually displaying immediately actrin

585
00:36:12,440 --> 00:36:16,960
Speaker 1: event that might be acute stress disorder or a s D,

586
00:36:17,760 --> 00:36:19,600
Speaker 1: and if we're looking at kids specifically, some of the

587
00:36:19,600 --> 00:36:23,360
Speaker 1: symptoms might include wetting the bed after having learned to

588
00:36:23,440 --> 00:36:27,720
Speaker 1: use the toilet, forgetting how to or being unable to talk,

589
00:36:28,239 --> 00:36:32,279
Speaker 1: acting out scary event during playtime to scary event. Yeah,

590
00:36:32,320 --> 00:36:35,280
Speaker 1: I have many cases where children re enact the events

591
00:36:35,320 --> 00:36:38,279
Speaker 1: on other children, whether out of confusion or sometimes out

592
00:36:38,280 --> 00:36:41,120
Speaker 1: of anger. I've had also had children used their own

593
00:36:41,120 --> 00:36:44,239
Speaker 1: trauma as excuses to harm others. So this is more

594
00:36:44,280 --> 00:36:47,160
Speaker 1: significant than you know. And I don't think people quite

595
00:36:47,239 --> 00:36:51,960
Speaker 1: understand that level, because I have encountered more and more

596
00:36:52,040 --> 00:36:56,200
Speaker 1: child on child h victimization, and it's kind of a

597
00:36:56,239 --> 00:36:59,160
Speaker 1: new phenomenon, whether you want to talk about our least

598
00:36:59,160 --> 00:37:04,359
Speaker 1: sexualization due to pornography or or abuse, but it's been

599
00:37:04,440 --> 00:37:07,520
Speaker 1: more and more where I see during the playtimes where

600
00:37:07,920 --> 00:37:12,799
Speaker 1: playing doctor quote unquote has become a more extreme violation.

601
00:37:13,320 --> 00:37:17,920
Speaker 1: M hm. And I while we were researching this and

602
00:37:18,520 --> 00:37:21,400
Speaker 1: you were there, I was I had a sudden memory

603
00:37:21,640 --> 00:37:23,919
Speaker 1: of I I when I was a kid, I had

604
00:37:23,920 --> 00:37:28,600
Speaker 1: this terrifying imaginary friend that tormented me, and he followed

605
00:37:28,640 --> 00:37:31,279
Speaker 1: me and like my parents knew his name. His name

606
00:37:31,320 --> 00:37:34,919
Speaker 1: is mine Gary. He spelt like vinegar. Um, my friend's name,

607
00:37:34,920 --> 00:37:37,239
Speaker 1: his name. He was a big part of my life

608
00:37:37,320 --> 00:37:40,799
Speaker 1: until I remember the exact data. You went away because

609
00:37:40,800 --> 00:37:42,440
Speaker 1: it's really good to Harry Potter, and all of my

610
00:37:42,480 --> 00:37:46,160
Speaker 1: memories are really to Harry Potter. But um, I now

611
00:37:46,320 --> 00:37:49,440
Speaker 1: think that it was just me trying to deal with

612
00:37:50,120 --> 00:37:53,160
Speaker 1: this trauma that I was going through, and honestly, that

613
00:37:53,200 --> 00:37:57,040
Speaker 1: could be the same disassociative identity disorder and why that

614
00:37:57,080 --> 00:38:00,000
Speaker 1: happens oftentimes it is goes hand in hand with severe

615
00:38:00,080 --> 00:38:03,440
Speaker 1: trauma from an early age, and therefore the protection is

616
00:38:04,200 --> 00:38:06,440
Speaker 1: bring on a new personality that can handle it or

617
00:38:06,480 --> 00:38:08,879
Speaker 1: protect you from this, and you can forget about these

618
00:38:08,880 --> 00:38:12,759
Speaker 1: awful moments. Yeah, and it was easier to be like, oh,

619
00:38:12,800 --> 00:38:15,719
Speaker 1: there's this weird ghost that's tormenting me. Yeah, yours is

620
00:38:15,719 --> 00:38:18,440
Speaker 1: a ghost. I've had a miss imaginary friends, but your

621
00:38:18,440 --> 00:38:21,719
Speaker 1: supposed a ghost pretty significant. And that was an old

622
00:38:21,719 --> 00:38:24,560
Speaker 1: man that smelled like vinegar. Yeah, he looks like Nostra too.

623
00:38:24,640 --> 00:38:27,000
Speaker 1: If anyone wants an image in their head. Oh my goodness,

624
00:38:27,160 --> 00:38:35,080
Speaker 1: that's terrified. How did you sleep? I very much? Did

625
00:38:35,080 --> 00:38:39,640
Speaker 1: it very very intense? Yes, yes, vengar um. Okay. So

626
00:38:39,719 --> 00:38:41,840
Speaker 1: going back to symptoms you can recognize in kids and

627
00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:46,120
Speaker 1: other is being unusually clinging with a parent or other adults.

628
00:38:46,400 --> 00:38:49,080
Speaker 1: And honestly, we could go down the rabbit hole of

629
00:38:49,160 --> 00:38:52,640
Speaker 1: diagnosing children with attachment issues due to neglect and abuse

630
00:38:52,719 --> 00:38:56,160
Speaker 1: and how impacts their reaction to strangers and friends. But

631
00:38:56,200 --> 00:38:59,360
Speaker 1: It's something I definitely used to evaluate children who have

632
00:38:59,400 --> 00:39:02,200
Speaker 1: had many issue in the judicial system. So kaids that

633
00:39:02,280 --> 00:39:05,360
Speaker 1: come back getting in trouble, there are oftentimes a reason

634
00:39:05,440 --> 00:39:07,640
Speaker 1: for that, which is why I do what I do.

635
00:39:07,680 --> 00:39:10,480
Speaker 1: We just tried to find treatment. But you can look

636
00:39:10,520 --> 00:39:14,640
Speaker 1: and see the attachments to adulthood, to adults and two

637
00:39:14,680 --> 00:39:17,319
Speaker 1: friends and why they may react to something. And this

638
00:39:17,400 --> 00:39:19,560
Speaker 1: kind of also goes hand in hand what we previously

639
00:39:19,600 --> 00:39:24,080
Speaker 1: talked about with gang activity um and why when we

640
00:39:24,120 --> 00:39:27,360
Speaker 1: talked about the whole grooming, why they seek others and

641
00:39:27,480 --> 00:39:30,280
Speaker 1: why these are really really important things about being cleaning

642
00:39:30,320 --> 00:39:34,840
Speaker 1: are not cleanly enough. Yeah, And I just wanted to

643
00:39:34,880 --> 00:39:36,520
Speaker 1: put in here, and going off of what you said

644
00:39:36,560 --> 00:39:40,960
Speaker 1: earlier about misdiagnosis, a report in the Atlantic found that

645
00:39:41,120 --> 00:39:45,000
Speaker 1: childhood trauma may be misdiagnosed as a d h D

646
00:39:45,120 --> 00:39:48,480
Speaker 1: and children and often is right, any of those things

647
00:39:48,560 --> 00:39:51,240
Speaker 1: have often been misdiagnosed when it could have been trauma

648
00:39:52,040 --> 00:39:55,200
Speaker 1: and the way they react to things now and as

649
00:39:55,239 --> 00:39:58,520
Speaker 1: we know now, a child's mind doesn't get developed until

650
00:39:58,520 --> 00:40:01,560
Speaker 1: their twenties. Oh my right, And I say child, but

651
00:40:01,880 --> 00:40:05,279
Speaker 1: you know they're obviously teenagers as well. But that's a

652
00:40:05,320 --> 00:40:08,920
Speaker 1: whole other conversation about do they truly understand is this

653
00:40:09,040 --> 00:40:11,960
Speaker 1: really true diagnosis? Because they do change as they grow older.

654
00:40:12,640 --> 00:40:14,400
Speaker 1: The idea that a d h D a d D

655
00:40:14,560 --> 00:40:17,560
Speaker 1: can be they can grow out of that actually has

656
00:40:17,560 --> 00:40:20,560
Speaker 1: occurred and it can, which is why medication management is important.

657
00:40:20,560 --> 00:40:23,480
Speaker 1: But that's a whole again. Another record up with a

658
00:40:23,520 --> 00:40:29,320
Speaker 1: million podcasts never leaving. I'm going to keep talking um,

659
00:40:29,360 --> 00:40:33,560
Speaker 1: but talking about diagnosis. In order to diagnose, the National

660
00:40:33,600 --> 00:40:36,520
Speaker 1: Institute of Mental Health are the n i h M

661
00:40:36,560 --> 00:40:42,319
Speaker 1: has this criteria for PTSD UM at least three avoidance

662
00:40:42,320 --> 00:40:46,680
Speaker 1: symptoms and these are avoiding places, people, objects, or events.

663
00:40:47,239 --> 00:40:50,160
Speaker 1: As I've said, I am a pro with this. I

664
00:40:50,200 --> 00:40:52,640
Speaker 1: don't know whether to feel proud or scared, but I

665
00:40:52,680 --> 00:40:56,520
Speaker 1: am amazing at this. I love staying away from people,

666
00:40:58,080 --> 00:41:01,000
Speaker 1: not me though not me though at least two hyper

667
00:41:01,000 --> 00:41:05,240
Speaker 1: arousal symptoms being easily startled, which I am the easiest

668
00:41:05,239 --> 00:41:10,480
Speaker 1: person to startle, UM, feeling tense or on edge, difficulties sleeping,

669
00:41:10,600 --> 00:41:14,839
Speaker 1: and outbursts of anger. These are pretty much constant. At

670
00:41:14,920 --> 00:41:18,680
Speaker 1: least one re experiencing symptom like flashbacks, bad dreams, or

671
00:41:18,719 --> 00:41:24,719
Speaker 1: frightening thoughts. These are usually triggered by something. Um And

672
00:41:24,800 --> 00:41:26,759
Speaker 1: note about flashbacks because a lot of you wrote in

673
00:41:26,840 --> 00:41:30,640
Speaker 1: about them when we did our CPTSD episode. They're not

674
00:41:30,680 --> 00:41:35,760
Speaker 1: necessarily what you've seen the media. They can be, but smells, lighting, sounds,

675
00:41:35,800 --> 00:41:40,360
Speaker 1: all kinds of things can trigger flashbacks. I have a

676
00:41:40,440 --> 00:41:45,360
Speaker 1: song I live in fear of guaranteed I will flashback

677
00:41:45,360 --> 00:41:49,000
Speaker 1: if I hear it. Luckily it's very rare, but one

678
00:41:49,080 --> 00:41:51,680
Speaker 1: day I bet you I'm going to hear it in public.

679
00:41:52,360 --> 00:41:54,800
Speaker 1: Or are like knocking knocking on a door. That's a

680
00:41:54,800 --> 00:41:58,799
Speaker 1: big one, and don't do it. I mean, I need

681
00:41:58,800 --> 00:42:01,920
Speaker 1: to sign knocking. I'll never knock on your door, thank you,

682
00:42:02,239 --> 00:42:04,680
Speaker 1: Oh you can, but like I have to know you're coming.

683
00:42:04,840 --> 00:42:08,279
Speaker 1: If it's a surprise knock, Well, just like the last

684
00:42:08,280 --> 00:42:09,480
Speaker 1: time I hung out with you, I just made you

685
00:42:09,520 --> 00:42:11,359
Speaker 1: come out in your pajama, So that's exactly what I'm

686
00:42:11,360 --> 00:42:14,000
Speaker 1: gonna do again. She did, and it was pretty great.

687
00:42:15,760 --> 00:42:17,400
Speaker 1: But a lot of times you can't predict what's going

688
00:42:17,440 --> 00:42:20,400
Speaker 1: to set off a flashback. Like I said, MO wanna

689
00:42:20,760 --> 00:42:22,920
Speaker 1: set me off pretty good the first time I saw it,

690
00:42:23,000 --> 00:42:25,919
Speaker 1: and I can tell you at least six listeners wrote

691
00:42:25,960 --> 00:42:28,000
Speaker 1: in and said it set them off too. You know.

692
00:42:28,040 --> 00:42:31,600
Speaker 1: I actually had the same experience with Meet the Robinson's. Really, yeah,

693
00:42:31,800 --> 00:42:34,440
Speaker 1: I haven't seen that. That was this movie about this

694
00:42:34,560 --> 00:42:38,000
Speaker 1: kid trying to find forever parents and it goes back

695
00:42:38,000 --> 00:42:41,400
Speaker 1: to how that happened. But that also created this whole

696
00:42:41,640 --> 00:42:44,120
Speaker 1: fear of rejection and all of the trauma. And I

697
00:42:44,160 --> 00:42:45,839
Speaker 1: was hanging out with the kids that wasn't namnying at

698
00:42:45,880 --> 00:42:48,880
Speaker 1: the time, so that was super fun. Oh jeez, I'm sorry.

699
00:42:49,400 --> 00:42:52,520
Speaker 1: Good movie, though I know Moan is a good movie too, right,

700
00:42:52,600 --> 00:42:56,719
Speaker 1: I like Rushed, I love it. Um, It just I

701
00:42:56,760 --> 00:43:02,120
Speaker 1: wasn't expecting to get triggered by right right. Um. And

702
00:43:02,120 --> 00:43:04,680
Speaker 1: another thing is I used to when I would get flashbacks,

703
00:43:04,680 --> 00:43:07,279
Speaker 1: I would squeeze my upper arms. Um. Sometimes I would

704
00:43:07,280 --> 00:43:10,640
Speaker 1: press against my face with my the heel of my

705
00:43:10,719 --> 00:43:14,560
Speaker 1: hands to try and stave off the flashback, and I

706
00:43:14,560 --> 00:43:17,640
Speaker 1: would leave these bruises. I would look a horrible mess.

707
00:43:17,719 --> 00:43:22,560
Speaker 1: And people thought I was taking karate or something like that,

708
00:43:23,120 --> 00:43:25,239
Speaker 1: or that I was being abused by my boyfriend. And

709
00:43:25,280 --> 00:43:29,120
Speaker 1: I include that because again, he was a wonderful guy,

710
00:43:29,280 --> 00:43:33,000
Speaker 1: but damn did that annoy him? Right. I experienced similar

711
00:43:33,200 --> 00:43:35,719
Speaker 1: similar things, but it's more of like deep scratches and

712
00:43:35,760 --> 00:43:39,000
Speaker 1: cutting my hand, as well as scratching myself in my

713
00:43:39,080 --> 00:43:42,080
Speaker 1: head on my head until I bled. And these are

714
00:43:42,160 --> 00:43:44,640
Speaker 1: usually easy signs to read, and I knew I had

715
00:43:44,680 --> 00:43:47,359
Speaker 1: to reach out for help because of For me, this

716
00:43:47,400 --> 00:43:49,720
Speaker 1: could be the beginning of my self harming side slash

717
00:43:50,160 --> 00:43:54,240
Speaker 1: suicidal ideation. I definitely know when I start harming myself,

718
00:43:54,440 --> 00:43:57,080
Speaker 1: I'm going down this route. But it definitely is one

719
00:43:57,120 --> 00:44:00,320
Speaker 1: of the bigger things. Where are you recognize all my gosh,

720
00:44:00,360 --> 00:44:03,480
Speaker 1: I can't hold it in, So how do I outwardly? Um?

721
00:44:03,840 --> 00:44:05,600
Speaker 1: Stop this? And you know what? It could also be

722
00:44:05,640 --> 00:44:09,240
Speaker 1: said to like eating disorders. It is also a physical

723
00:44:09,280 --> 00:44:16,719
Speaker 1: form of UM triggering and uh. I wanted to include

724
00:44:16,719 --> 00:44:20,840
Speaker 1: in here this side note um so I would have

725
00:44:20,880 --> 00:44:23,680
Speaker 1: all these bruises on my arms and on my face.

726
00:44:24,560 --> 00:44:29,520
Speaker 1: And I can't believe how many men felt comfortable enough

727
00:44:29,600 --> 00:44:32,120
Speaker 1: to come up to me and say something along the

728
00:44:32,200 --> 00:44:35,080
Speaker 1: lines of I see you like rough sex, so do

729
00:44:35,160 --> 00:44:38,120
Speaker 1: I we should hook up? Or I see you like

730
00:44:38,160 --> 00:44:44,120
Speaker 1: it rough huh, which is beyond upsetting. It is infuriating

731
00:44:44,160 --> 00:44:45,640
Speaker 1: to think that men have the right to even come

732
00:44:45,719 --> 00:44:47,480
Speaker 1: up to you to say any of those things. And

733
00:44:47,520 --> 00:44:49,719
Speaker 1: I feel like, at this point, you have the right

734
00:44:49,760 --> 00:44:52,520
Speaker 1: to punch them in the balls. I mean, if you

735
00:44:52,520 --> 00:44:54,360
Speaker 1: don't really really want to answer the question, I'm like, no,

736
00:44:54,440 --> 00:44:57,239
Speaker 1: not necessarily, but if you don't like it, I'll help

737
00:44:57,320 --> 00:45:01,120
Speaker 1: you out. I'll help you out. I mean, this is

738
00:45:01,160 --> 00:45:05,960
Speaker 1: such an absurd When you told me this, I think

739
00:45:05,960 --> 00:45:11,200
Speaker 1: my mouth literally opened because I was like, men, maybe

740
00:45:11,239 --> 00:45:13,719
Speaker 1: I'm just really really scary too, men, which I hope

741
00:45:13,760 --> 00:45:16,959
Speaker 1: so to a certain extent. I cannot believe they would

742
00:45:16,960 --> 00:45:20,560
Speaker 1: have the audacity to even ask you that. Who thinks

743
00:45:20,640 --> 00:45:25,600
Speaker 1: that's a joke? Yeah, I gotta come on like, yes,

744
00:45:25,760 --> 00:45:29,240
Speaker 1: oh yes, I do. Please let's go on a date. Yeah,

745
00:45:29,800 --> 00:45:31,759
Speaker 1: I mean it happened to lie. It happened enough where

746
00:45:31,760 --> 00:45:35,319
Speaker 1: I was like, this is a thing. Wow. This is

747
00:45:35,320 --> 00:45:38,960
Speaker 1: where I'm like, uh man and please no, I don't

748
00:45:39,000 --> 00:45:43,520
Speaker 1: think that really, but those moments are like why yeah, yeah,

749
00:45:43,800 --> 00:45:48,640
Speaker 1: I definitely pretty upset about that whole thing. As you

750
00:45:48,680 --> 00:45:51,759
Speaker 1: should be, as anyone should be, as everyone should be,

751
00:45:51,840 --> 00:45:54,440
Speaker 1: unless you're as an m club and or you're in

752
00:45:54,440 --> 00:45:57,640
Speaker 1: a relationship where you've already agreed to that. I know, Yeah,

753
00:45:57,640 --> 00:46:00,839
Speaker 1: I don't come up to me about that. So all

754
00:46:01,000 --> 00:46:06,239
Speaker 1: these another another thing about PTSD is like symptoms that

755
00:46:06,360 --> 00:46:10,000
Speaker 1: interfere with activities of daily life, such as being with friends,

756
00:46:10,040 --> 00:46:13,279
Speaker 1: performing important tasks, are going to work or school. I've

757
00:46:13,320 --> 00:46:16,879
Speaker 1: had episodes of flashbacks due to work conferences which had

758
00:46:16,920 --> 00:46:19,759
Speaker 1: me unable to leave home for days and even weeks

759
00:46:19,760 --> 00:46:21,839
Speaker 1: at a time. I finally had to make a plan

760
00:46:21,880 --> 00:46:24,200
Speaker 1: for myself on how to overcome all of it. But

761
00:46:24,280 --> 00:46:27,200
Speaker 1: it took years of therapy to admit how detrimental it

762
00:46:27,280 --> 00:46:29,719
Speaker 1: was for me to isolate myself at these times, but

763
00:46:29,800 --> 00:46:34,160
Speaker 1: that was my only recourse at that point. Being alone

764
00:46:34,280 --> 00:46:36,600
Speaker 1: met I was safe from all the entities that could

765
00:46:36,600 --> 00:46:41,000
Speaker 1: get me. Essentially, Yeah, and having a plan, like we said,

766
00:46:41,040 --> 00:46:44,479
Speaker 1: that is such a useful tool if this is something

767
00:46:44,480 --> 00:46:47,000
Speaker 1: you're dealing with. If we look at memory when it

768
00:46:47,040 --> 00:46:52,160
Speaker 1: comes to your pressed memories or suppressed memories or recovered memories.

769
00:46:52,719 --> 00:46:55,919
Speaker 1: The science is still out and we can talk about

770
00:46:55,960 --> 00:46:59,399
Speaker 1: the Kurrent County sex abuse case where psychologists were able

771
00:46:59,440 --> 00:47:02,280
Speaker 1: to quote a quote recover memories and they were false

772
00:47:02,320 --> 00:47:06,720
Speaker 1: memories that convicted several several several people of abuse, which

773
00:47:06,760 --> 00:47:10,239
Speaker 1: has now caused disruption and trying to use this within

774
00:47:10,320 --> 00:47:16,439
Speaker 1: court systems because it's not reliable right. And I'm not

775
00:47:16,680 --> 00:47:20,600
Speaker 1: sure where this falls, but I have experienced with a

776
00:47:20,640 --> 00:47:26,000
Speaker 1: pretty weird memory thing that I think is selfs offense. Um.

777
00:47:26,040 --> 00:47:30,960
Speaker 1: It's not like I forgot things necessarily, but it's like

778
00:47:31,000 --> 00:47:34,760
Speaker 1: I actively did not remember them. It's really hard feeling

779
00:47:34,800 --> 00:47:38,719
Speaker 1: to describe. Once my mom was apologizing for something traumatic

780
00:47:38,840 --> 00:47:41,719
Speaker 1: that had happened to me, and I didn't know what

781
00:47:41,800 --> 00:47:46,439
Speaker 1: she was talking about at first, but then it all

782
00:47:46,520 --> 00:47:49,520
Speaker 1: came back when she kind of expounded on it, and

783
00:47:49,600 --> 00:47:54,160
Speaker 1: it was like I it had been there all along, um,

784
00:47:54,200 --> 00:47:59,400
Speaker 1: but I was just looking anywhere else but there. It

785
00:47:59,520 --> 00:48:03,520
Speaker 1: was very surreal and dream like, and I actually wrote

786
00:48:03,640 --> 00:48:06,280
Speaker 1: a diary entry about it when I was in high school,

787
00:48:07,120 --> 00:48:09,880
Speaker 1: and here is a quote from it. I have the

788
00:48:09,920 --> 00:48:14,000
Speaker 1: strangest feeling that I have forgotten something major. Not just

789
00:48:14,200 --> 00:48:17,200
Speaker 1: something either, but a lot of some things. Pieces of

790
00:48:17,200 --> 00:48:19,480
Speaker 1: my life are coming back to me like faded memories

791
00:48:19,600 --> 00:48:23,440
Speaker 1: or dreams, and I'm so shocked to have forgotten. It

792
00:48:23,520 --> 00:48:26,319
Speaker 1: literally takes my breath away. It says if I'm in

793
00:48:26,360 --> 00:48:29,279
Speaker 1: a scene and horror movie, right before everything falls into

794
00:48:29,280 --> 00:48:32,920
Speaker 1: place and you understand finally what has alluded you this

795
00:48:33,000 --> 00:48:37,720
Speaker 1: whole time? These were once foundational to my everyday life.

796
00:48:37,880 --> 00:48:40,520
Speaker 1: This was who I was, This was what I was

797
00:48:40,719 --> 00:48:45,880
Speaker 1: made of, and I forgot as if I was brainwashed,

798
00:48:45,920 --> 00:48:48,200
Speaker 1: as if I was a different person, a person whose

799
00:48:48,200 --> 00:48:52,000
Speaker 1: life I stumbled on while flippling through television stations one

800
00:48:52,040 --> 00:48:55,320
Speaker 1: day and left on because of passing interest, but promptly

801
00:48:55,360 --> 00:48:57,719
Speaker 1: put out of my brain. But it was there all along,

802
00:48:57,760 --> 00:49:00,360
Speaker 1: in the back of my mind, feeding on, insecure, pretty,

803
00:49:01,680 --> 00:49:05,000
Speaker 1: waiting to re emerge. I know this sounds weird. It

804
00:49:05,160 --> 00:49:07,759
Speaker 1: is weird. I have no idea what is going on

805
00:49:07,920 --> 00:49:10,920
Speaker 1: these memories. They're the huge kind. They're the kind that

806
00:49:11,000 --> 00:49:12,959
Speaker 1: haunt you and shape you, that hang off your back

807
00:49:13,000 --> 00:49:15,520
Speaker 1: like a shadow, that way on you until all you

808
00:49:15,560 --> 00:49:19,400
Speaker 1: want to do is hide under a bed and pretend

809
00:49:19,840 --> 00:49:23,040
Speaker 1: you don't exist. They're the kind that makes you question

810
00:49:23,120 --> 00:49:25,480
Speaker 1: what kind of person you are for forgetting them. They're

811
00:49:25,520 --> 00:49:27,480
Speaker 1: the kind that makes you feel like you are in

812
00:49:27,520 --> 00:49:30,160
Speaker 1: a horror movie, that makes you afraid of what else

813
00:49:30,200 --> 00:49:34,640
Speaker 1: you have buried in your brain, lying in wait, if

814
00:49:34,680 --> 00:49:38,320
Speaker 1: it will destroy you, if you remember, I've been waking

815
00:49:38,400 --> 00:49:40,640
Speaker 1: up in a panic. When I try to remember what

816
00:49:40,719 --> 00:49:43,719
Speaker 1: it was that frightened me, I can't. It's there, but

817
00:49:43,840 --> 00:49:46,160
Speaker 1: it's as if my mind won't let me as if

818
00:49:46,200 --> 00:49:49,360
Speaker 1: it knows, it will destroy me, and I am scared

819
00:49:49,760 --> 00:49:52,560
Speaker 1: at any moment, I could be reduced to an incoherent

820
00:49:52,680 --> 00:49:55,640
Speaker 1: sobbing mess, and I don't know how to prepare for it.

821
00:49:56,040 --> 00:50:00,360
Speaker 1: I don't think I can prepare for it. Dang, that

822
00:50:00,400 --> 00:50:03,200
Speaker 1: was a high school diary entry, um, and I think

823
00:50:03,239 --> 00:50:09,360
Speaker 1: it's pretty That pretty much describes my how my memory

824
00:50:09,440 --> 00:50:11,479
Speaker 1: worked around a lot of the trauma I went through

825
00:50:11,640 --> 00:50:14,000
Speaker 1: and the sphere I had because I knew it was

826
00:50:14,040 --> 00:50:18,799
Speaker 1: there and it could attack at any moment, and I

827
00:50:18,840 --> 00:50:20,200
Speaker 1: didn't know how to prepare for it. I didn't know

828
00:50:20,200 --> 00:50:24,799
Speaker 1: how to protect myself from it. And also, um, we're

829
00:50:24,800 --> 00:50:28,719
Speaker 1: gonna be doing a whole episode on therapy, but a

830
00:50:28,800 --> 00:50:31,160
Speaker 1: note here the first time I went to therapy because

831
00:50:31,160 --> 00:50:34,719
Speaker 1: it can be retraumatizing. Um, I was trying to describe

832
00:50:35,000 --> 00:50:38,359
Speaker 1: something that had gone through and I couldn't do it,

833
00:50:38,440 --> 00:50:41,720
Speaker 1: like literally physically couldn't do it. Every time I tried,

834
00:50:42,239 --> 00:50:44,799
Speaker 1: I couldn't find the words, and I could visualize the

835
00:50:44,840 --> 00:50:49,200
Speaker 1: event until I tried to describe it and like magically disappeared. Oh.

836
00:50:49,320 --> 00:50:52,960
Speaker 1: I actually have similar experiences of feeling foggy as in fact,

837
00:50:53,080 --> 00:50:55,640
Speaker 1: we know that it's hard to correctly remember past events

838
00:50:55,719 --> 00:50:58,120
Speaker 1: without evidence that comes along with it. And for me,

839
00:50:58,480 --> 00:51:00,759
Speaker 1: I have no one to show me picture uh or

840
00:51:00,760 --> 00:51:02,799
Speaker 1: tell me stories of my childhood. For the first seven

841
00:51:02,840 --> 00:51:07,720
Speaker 1: years of my life, I will continue to tell people

842
00:51:08,239 --> 00:51:10,400
Speaker 1: how they were talking. We'll talk about their childhood, and

843
00:51:10,680 --> 00:51:13,719
Speaker 1: I will say, you know, at five years old, your mother,

844
00:51:13,840 --> 00:51:17,440
Speaker 1: your father, your guardian probably had some pictures of your

845
00:51:17,920 --> 00:51:21,359
Speaker 1: first day as a school, whether your first Christmas, all

846
00:51:21,400 --> 00:51:24,160
Speaker 1: of those things. And I don't have any records of

847
00:51:24,200 --> 00:51:27,160
Speaker 1: me before seven years old because I was placed in

848
00:51:27,200 --> 00:51:30,520
Speaker 1: an orphanage and a majority of those things didn't come

849
00:51:30,560 --> 00:51:32,960
Speaker 1: with me. And honestly, it probably is a good thing.

850
00:51:33,440 --> 00:51:36,040
Speaker 1: But for me, what I have are vague memories and

851
00:51:36,120 --> 00:51:38,640
Speaker 1: dreams that sometimes seem to haunt me. As in fact,

852
00:51:38,680 --> 00:51:40,759
Speaker 1: my memories seemed to be severely damaged to the point

853
00:51:40,800 --> 00:51:44,600
Speaker 1: I can't even speak my native language, even though it's

854
00:51:44,680 --> 00:51:47,160
Speaker 1: the only language I could speak until I was seven.

855
00:51:47,480 --> 00:51:51,280
Speaker 1: I mean, I literally could not communicate with my family

856
00:51:51,360 --> 00:51:54,040
Speaker 1: when I was adopted. For the first six months of

857
00:51:54,040 --> 00:51:58,000
Speaker 1: our lives. It literally was just crying and pointing at things,

858
00:51:58,880 --> 00:52:00,680
Speaker 1: which I can't quite remember all of that, but I

859
00:52:00,760 --> 00:52:02,759
Speaker 1: know I had to be real fun for everyone, and

860
00:52:02,800 --> 00:52:04,719
Speaker 1: now I have a bit of a Southern accident, so

861
00:52:04,800 --> 00:52:09,640
Speaker 1: you're welcome to that. But um, even though all of

862
00:52:09,680 --> 00:52:12,120
Speaker 1: these things happened, I decided, you know what, I want

863
00:52:12,120 --> 00:52:14,440
Speaker 1: to conquer this. I want to take on my ethnicity.

864
00:52:14,560 --> 00:52:17,000
Speaker 1: I want to know more about my culture who I was.

865
00:52:17,480 --> 00:52:19,960
Speaker 1: And I took a Korean course for three semesters in

866
00:52:20,000 --> 00:52:23,960
Speaker 1: college and I was the second worst class, worst of

867
00:52:24,040 --> 00:52:27,560
Speaker 1: that class. And that was at the point in time

868
00:52:27,600 --> 00:52:30,759
Speaker 1: that when I learned a the phrase fresh off the

869
00:52:30,800 --> 00:52:35,799
Speaker 1: boat or a fob and be being whitewashed, which is

870
00:52:35,880 --> 00:52:38,400
Speaker 1: what I am, essentially the idea that I am a

871
00:52:38,480 --> 00:52:43,480
Speaker 1: Korean that has been inundated in the white American US culture,

872
00:52:43,880 --> 00:52:48,080
Speaker 1: and therefore I am no longer regarded as a true Korean,

873
00:52:48,280 --> 00:52:53,640
Speaker 1: which that's whole issue in itself. But for me, none

874
00:52:53,719 --> 00:52:57,960
Speaker 1: of these actually help, and everything is kind of a fog,

875
00:52:58,000 --> 00:53:01,920
Speaker 1: and to the point that I cannot learn even with

876
00:53:01,960 --> 00:53:05,719
Speaker 1: me doing do a lingo any of the programs, I

877
00:53:05,800 --> 00:53:10,080
Speaker 1: cannot remember Korean to a detriment. And I even ask

878
00:53:10,120 --> 00:53:12,440
Speaker 1: a psychologist, what do you think this is? And they

879
00:53:12,480 --> 00:53:15,799
Speaker 1: cannot really explain to me other than you are. You

880
00:53:15,880 --> 00:53:18,120
Speaker 1: have a defense mechanism right now that's not allowing you

881
00:53:18,200 --> 00:53:22,560
Speaker 1: to remember because of the trauma that you endured. Yeah,

882
00:53:22,760 --> 00:53:27,000
Speaker 1: and that's how powerful it is. And in terms of

883
00:53:27,239 --> 00:53:32,480
Speaker 1: recalling things inaccurately, there is research supporting that UM. And

884
00:53:32,520 --> 00:53:35,440
Speaker 1: it has to do with your brain focusing on certain

885
00:53:35,480 --> 00:53:38,600
Speaker 1: things and not others in a survival situation. The part

886
00:53:38,600 --> 00:53:42,160
Speaker 1: of our brain involved with focusing on things can essentially

887
00:53:42,160 --> 00:53:45,759
Speaker 1: get shut down by stress chemicals during a stressful or

888
00:53:45,800 --> 00:53:49,720
Speaker 1: traumatic event. And what that means is you're less able

889
00:53:49,760 --> 00:53:52,880
Speaker 1: to focus, you're less able to make sense of things,

890
00:53:52,880 --> 00:53:54,840
Speaker 1: and therefore you're less able to call things in a

891
00:53:54,880 --> 00:53:59,640
Speaker 1: way that makes sense. The i'mgdala responsible for the fear

892
00:53:59,640 --> 00:54:03,200
Speaker 1: respond on steps in and takes the reins when it

893
00:54:03,239 --> 00:54:06,160
Speaker 1: comes to where your attention goes. And this might mean

894
00:54:06,239 --> 00:54:11,080
Speaker 1: your brain focuses on a small terrifying detail or a

895
00:54:11,239 --> 00:54:14,120
Speaker 1: minor detail in order to distract and attached UM. Like

896
00:54:14,160 --> 00:54:17,120
Speaker 1: I said, I can specifically remember what I was wearing

897
00:54:17,760 --> 00:54:21,160
Speaker 1: very vividly, UM. And a lot of my traumatic memories

898
00:54:21,440 --> 00:54:25,720
Speaker 1: UM specific unconnected images and stations, probably out of sequence,

899
00:54:25,760 --> 00:54:29,279
Speaker 1: which is not good when you're in court testifying. Right,

900
00:54:29,400 --> 00:54:31,880
Speaker 1: And I've already we just discussed the fact that I

901
00:54:31,920 --> 00:54:35,040
Speaker 1: have such foggy memories and inability to actually learn my

902
00:54:35,080 --> 00:54:38,919
Speaker 1: own native language due to some of the trauma UM.

903
00:54:39,200 --> 00:54:43,360
Speaker 1: I also struggle with the past traumas in in dreams

904
00:54:43,760 --> 00:54:46,160
Speaker 1: I remember when I was really really young, and they

905
00:54:46,160 --> 00:54:49,240
Speaker 1: actually still stick with me, specific dreams of me being

906
00:54:50,800 --> 00:54:53,640
Speaker 1: left locked out of the home over over twenty four

907
00:54:53,680 --> 00:54:57,280
Speaker 1: hours and being attacked my dog, um having a memory

908
00:54:57,480 --> 00:55:00,400
Speaker 1: of being abandoned in the woods, which I'm pretty sure

909
00:55:00,400 --> 00:55:02,120
Speaker 1: that was not true because I was in a basket,

910
00:55:02,320 --> 00:55:04,279
Speaker 1: so I don't think that one was true. But I

911
00:55:04,280 --> 00:55:07,319
Speaker 1: had to differentiate with is this real, isn't this real?

912
00:55:07,560 --> 00:55:10,960
Speaker 1: What happened? I had uh an incident in which I

913
00:55:11,000 --> 00:55:13,560
Speaker 1: was stabbed in the knee by another orphan girl who

914
00:55:13,560 --> 00:55:16,600
Speaker 1: went through a manic moment, which cost me trauma as well.

915
00:55:17,000 --> 00:55:22,080
Speaker 1: I had many things that happened that I cannot actually differentiate,

916
00:55:22,760 --> 00:55:24,400
Speaker 1: and it's hard to organize, so it's just kind of

917
00:55:24,400 --> 00:55:27,520
Speaker 1: a big blur, and trying to figure those out has

918
00:55:27,600 --> 00:55:31,160
Speaker 1: been fairly traumatic in itself, and I will say for

919
00:55:31,239 --> 00:55:34,640
Speaker 1: me trying to get past it or trying to bring

920
00:55:34,719 --> 00:55:37,960
Speaker 1: it back up, I have tried different therapies and trying

921
00:55:38,000 --> 00:55:42,000
Speaker 1: to get connected back to those because I think part

922
00:55:42,000 --> 00:55:45,160
Speaker 1: of my frustration is not knowing, which I know for

923
00:55:45,239 --> 00:55:47,200
Speaker 1: a lot of victims that's kind of the same thing

924
00:55:47,440 --> 00:55:51,640
Speaker 1: for them. I think, UM, I'm getting I'm constantly haunted

925
00:55:51,680 --> 00:55:55,439
Speaker 1: by emotions, so I know you and I talked about

926
00:55:55,480 --> 00:55:57,959
Speaker 1: the fact that I get triggered by emotions, whether it's

927
00:55:58,520 --> 00:56:02,520
Speaker 1: if I feel like someone's disapproving of me, it triggers

928
00:56:02,560 --> 00:56:07,120
Speaker 1: me into a spiral in which I cannot communicate with people.

929
00:56:07,480 --> 00:56:09,640
Speaker 1: I kind of go into a fetal patient position and

930
00:56:09,719 --> 00:56:14,640
Speaker 1: have to go home because that realization of being disapproved,

931
00:56:14,920 --> 00:56:19,400
Speaker 1: not wanted, rejected has been a huge fear factor for me,

932
00:56:19,560 --> 00:56:23,240
Speaker 1: has been something that actually will stop me from doing

933
00:56:23,280 --> 00:56:26,799
Speaker 1: something better, or doing something new, or trying something new.

934
00:56:27,560 --> 00:56:30,000
Speaker 1: And as in fact, when we talk about the fact

935
00:56:30,719 --> 00:56:34,560
Speaker 1: this hurts testimony, UM, I had an incident when I

936
00:56:34,600 --> 00:56:38,400
Speaker 1: actually came into the US where I was victimized at

937
00:56:38,400 --> 00:56:41,759
Speaker 1: a public pool, and I actually got contacted by a

938
00:56:41,800 --> 00:56:45,840
Speaker 1: woman recently from my same town who had heard my

939
00:56:45,880 --> 00:56:48,000
Speaker 1: story somehow and reached out to me and said that

940
00:56:48,040 --> 00:56:50,880
Speaker 1: similar thing had happened to her. And this man was

941
00:56:50,920 --> 00:56:55,880
Speaker 1: supposedly about to coach a swim team for kids, and

942
00:56:56,040 --> 00:56:58,400
Speaker 1: honestly I had to send back to her, I I

943
00:56:58,480 --> 00:57:01,280
Speaker 1: can't really help you a big because I don't remember

944
00:57:01,320 --> 00:57:04,120
Speaker 1: the man's name, I don't remember the time frame when

945
00:57:04,120 --> 00:57:08,719
Speaker 1: it happened, and I can't exactly tell you, um all

946
00:57:08,760 --> 00:57:11,839
Speaker 1: of the events that had happened inside of that. So me,

947
00:57:11,960 --> 00:57:15,200
Speaker 1: who has been have been in the court systems that

948
00:57:15,320 --> 00:57:20,560
Speaker 1: have actually gone through watching a full case for child abuse,

949
00:57:20,640 --> 00:57:22,800
Speaker 1: sex abuse, whatever, I knew that I would be more

950
00:57:22,840 --> 00:57:25,040
Speaker 1: of a detriment to the case because of my lack

951
00:57:25,080 --> 00:57:28,920
Speaker 1: of memory and inability to say actual names than anything

952
00:57:28,920 --> 00:57:31,040
Speaker 1: else that I had to say. I can't I can't

953
00:57:31,040 --> 00:57:35,040
Speaker 1: help you, which is unfortunate because the survivor and me

954
00:57:35,120 --> 00:57:36,520
Speaker 1: is like, oh my gosh, we have to stop at this,

955
00:57:36,560 --> 00:57:41,560
Speaker 1: we have to stop this. But I know legally and

956
00:57:41,680 --> 00:57:48,040
Speaker 1: rationally I'm not a help, which is really frustrating in itself. Yeah, yeah,

957
00:57:48,240 --> 00:57:54,680
Speaker 1: for sure. And in this age of me too and

958
00:57:54,800 --> 00:57:57,880
Speaker 1: hearing about this all the time, it's hard to escape.

959
00:57:58,080 --> 00:58:01,960
Speaker 1: It's hard to escape. So this brings us to the

960
00:58:02,120 --> 00:58:06,120
Speaker 1: end of part one of our deep dive on traumas.

961
00:58:06,120 --> 00:58:09,120
Speaker 1: Sometimes when you make an outline, you're not sure how

962
00:58:09,200 --> 00:58:11,320
Speaker 1: long the episode is going to be, but it quickly

963
00:58:11,400 --> 00:58:14,920
Speaker 1: became apparent that this was going to be a two parters,

964
00:58:14,960 --> 00:58:17,680
Speaker 1: So look out next week for the second part where

965
00:58:17,680 --> 00:58:21,320
Speaker 1: we're going to talk about re traumaization and resources and

966
00:58:21,400 --> 00:58:25,800
Speaker 1: trauma informed responses, and in the meantime, if you would

967
00:58:25,840 --> 00:58:28,360
Speaker 1: like to email us if you want any of those resources,

968
00:58:28,400 --> 00:58:31,240
Speaker 1: please reach out. You can email us at mom Stuff

969
00:58:31,240 --> 00:58:33,400
Speaker 1: at how stuff works dot com. You can find us

970
00:58:33,400 --> 00:58:35,680
Speaker 1: on Instagram at stuff I've Never Told You and on

971
00:58:35,720 --> 00:58:39,200
Speaker 1: Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast. Thanks as always her producer

972
00:58:39,280 --> 00:58:41,640
Speaker 1: Andrew Howard, and thanks to you for listening.