WEBVTT - Second Cup: Don't let criticism sting

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<v Speaker 1>Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of I Heart Radio.

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<v Speaker 1>Good Morning. This is Laura, Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast.

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<v Speaker 1>Today's tip is about how to stop wasting time and

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<v Speaker 1>mental energy ruminating over useless feedback. In other words, how

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<v Speaker 1>to keep criticism from stinging. First, I want to say

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<v Speaker 1>that constructive feedback is a real gift. Someone can be

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<v Speaker 1>mean and nasty, but if that person gives you practical

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<v Speaker 1>suggestions for how to improve something that matters to you,

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<v Speaker 1>your best off thanking the person. You don't have to

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<v Speaker 1>be friends, but you can be grateful. That said, not

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<v Speaker 1>all feedback is constructive. I was thinking of this recently

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<v Speaker 1>when I got a letter from a Before Breakfast listener

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<v Speaker 1>who leads a church. This minister lost a close family

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<v Speaker 1>member shortly before Christmas. It was too late to find

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<v Speaker 1>someone else to lead all the holiday services, so the

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<v Speaker 1>minister did so well, deep in grief. Then she received

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<v Speaker 1>a note from a parishioner who knew about the death,

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<v Speaker 1>saying that her holiday preaching was subpar ouch in this situation,

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<v Speaker 1>the listener knew that this criticism wasn't really fair, but

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<v Speaker 1>as she ruminated about it, she wondered, looking forward, if

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<v Speaker 1>there was a way to spend less mental energy worrying

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<v Speaker 1>about such criticism. I think this is a good goal,

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<v Speaker 1>but not just for criticism. We should also spend less

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<v Speaker 1>mental energy seeking out unhelpful praise. Over the years, I've

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<v Speaker 1>had a number of people read my books before publication

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<v Speaker 1>to see if they flag issues that I can't see.

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<v Speaker 1>I always tell them that I love it and I

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<v Speaker 1>hate it are equally unhelpful, even if as a human

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<v Speaker 1>being I vastly prefer hearing the former. Instead, I want

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<v Speaker 1>to know things like I stopped reading in the middle

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<v Speaker 1>of chapter two because these points seemed repetitive. That's good

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<v Speaker 1>to now. We can contort ourselves too much to seek

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<v Speaker 1>out praise, just as we can make shortsighted moves to

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<v Speaker 1>avoid criticism. Better to decouple our self esteem from both instead,

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<v Speaker 1>I think that unhelpful criticism or praise can best be

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<v Speaker 1>kept in context by drowning it with a high volume

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<v Speaker 1>of helpful feedback. The more feedback you get, the more

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<v Speaker 1>you can see that not everyone thinks X, but a

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<v Speaker 1>lot of people do think why, which you hadn't even considered.

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<v Speaker 1>You can evaluate all of it without assigning too much

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<v Speaker 1>weight to any one bit of it. You can see

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<v Speaker 1>which feedback resonates most strongly with you and figure out

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<v Speaker 1>a way to deal with critical feedback in a way

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<v Speaker 1>that feels authentic. In the minister's case, I suggested identifying

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<v Speaker 1>a handful of thoughtful church members who could commit to

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<v Speaker 1>providing feedback on her sermons every week. I also suggested

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<v Speaker 1>inviting some skilled retired preachers to visit her church frequently

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<v Speaker 1>and provide feedback as well. The higher the volume, the

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<v Speaker 1>more the random feedback from grumpy people can be taken

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<v Speaker 1>for what it is. If you find yourself thinking for

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<v Speaker 1>days about unhelpful criticism, you might think about how you

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<v Speaker 1>can increase the volume of feedback you receive as well.

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<v Speaker 1>Can you show your work to a handful of colleagues.

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<v Speaker 1>Can you enlist a few mentors to provide advice? If

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<v Speaker 1>you do public speaking, can you try out new material

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<v Speaker 1>in front of smaller audiences. The goal is to have

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<v Speaker 1>your feedback be somewhat like receiving a gift basket. If

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<v Speaker 1>someone gave you a box of chocolate covered cherries as

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<v Speaker 1>a gift, and you hated chocolate to cover cherries, well,

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<v Speaker 1>you might be a little bit miffed. But when the

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<v Speaker 1>cherries are packaged with popcorn, fancy cheeses, crackers, truffles, cookies,

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<v Speaker 1>and a bottle of wine. Will no big deal. You

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<v Speaker 1>can find other things that you'd find worthwhile in there,

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<v Speaker 1>so it's all good. How do you keep unhelpful negative

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<v Speaker 1>feedback in chat? You can let me know at Before

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<v Speaker 1>Breakfast podcast at i hurt media dot com. In the meantime,

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<v Speaker 1>this is Laura. Thanks for listening and here's to making

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<v Speaker 1>the most of our time. M Hey, everybody, I'd love

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<v Speaker 1>to hear from you. You can send me your tips,

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<v Speaker 1>your questions, or anything else. Just connect with me on Twitter,

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<v Speaker 1>Facebook and Instagram at Before Breakfast pod that's B the

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<v Speaker 1>number four, then Breakfast p o D. You can also

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<v Speaker 1>shoot me an email at Before Breakfast podcast at i

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<v Speaker 1>heeart media dot com. That Before Breakfast is spelled out

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<v Speaker 1>with all the letters. Thanks so much. Should I look

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<v Speaker 1>forward to staying in touch. Before Breakfast is a production

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<v Speaker 1>of I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from my heart Radio,

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<v Speaker 1>visit the I heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever

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