Speaker 1: All right, guys, if you are a romantic, or you
Speaker 1: want to be a good one, or you just want
Speaker 1: to hear us talk about it, then stay where yards
Speaker 1: one or two point seven kids at them? Can we
Speaker 1: bring in Jay Setti bringing in Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty,
Speaker 1: author of Eight Rules of Love available now, let'sen to
Speaker 1: his podcast. It's called on Purpose wherever you get your
Speaker 1: podcast has beautiful eyes. Wow, your eyes are magic him
Speaker 1: as the first time I've seen you. The color of
Speaker 1: your eyes like that. New York Times best selling author
Speaker 1: Eight Rules of Love, Jay, thank you for writing a manual.
Speaker 1: I have a lot of questions. How are you? I'm
Speaker 1: really well. Thank you so much for having me. It's
Speaker 1: good to see you. What color are your eyes? I'll
Speaker 1: let you decide idee. I told that Jane change color
Speaker 1: depending on what I'm wearing, So I have no idea. Well,
Speaker 1: you're not wearing much in there blue? All right? So
Speaker 1: Eight Rules of Love. Just give us the framing of
Speaker 1: what the intent of this book is. So the intent
Speaker 1: is that I think so many of us have amazing
Speaker 1: professional lives, but often our personal lives are struggling, usually
Speaker 1: because of a lack of love or knowing how to
Speaker 1: share it, give it, and receive it. Or on the
Speaker 1: flip side, people who are struggling in their professional lives,
Speaker 1: when they have love at home, they're able to take
Speaker 1: more risks, they're able to switch. And I found that
Speaker 1: people who had love in their lives, who are able
Speaker 1: to find love keep love, we're able to live healthier,
Speaker 1: happier lives. And so I tried to write a book
Speaker 1: that would help people find love, help people keep love,
Speaker 1: and help people let go of love no matter how
Speaker 1: they lose it, so that we could take care of
Speaker 1: the most important thing that we experience in this human life. MICHAELA,
Speaker 1: you're still single and dating in La right, I am, yes, okay,
Speaker 1: do you might want to listen to this? Are good?
Speaker 1: So let's talk about that. MICHAELA. Is in the initial
Speaker 1: stages of dating, meeting people first dating, you have any
Speaker 1: guidance because it seems like they go more in the
Speaker 1: direction of not well than well. One's fault, but they
Speaker 1: just not click. Yeah. I think first of all I'm
Speaker 1: going to say is that dating is all quoted and uncomfortable. Right,
Speaker 1: It's not easy and it's not meant to be. Yeah, exactly,
Speaker 1: it's tough, and I think we have this fairytailed version
Speaker 1: of what the ideal date looks like or what the
Speaker 1: ideal person looks like, and it's good to just get
Speaker 1: rid of those and go, Okay, this is gonna be
Speaker 1: awkind and uncomfortable, and that's okay, I'm going to sit
Speaker 1: in there. I think the next thing is try and
Speaker 1: meet people as quickly as possible. I think we spend
Speaker 1: far too many hours, far too many days, far too
Speaker 1: many weeks just messaging and trying to figure someone out
Speaker 1: online and trying to be like, oh, do I like them?
Speaker 1: Is there a spark? And I'm like, you're pretty much
Speaker 1: never going to know. And I think getting to a
Speaker 1: date as quick as possible, and by the way, if
Speaker 1: someone's not open to doing that, that's a good sign
Speaker 1: that this isn't going to turn into something real. And
Speaker 1: the third thing I'd say, which is probably the hardest
Speaker 1: one of all, is I think when relationships start as
Speaker 1: an interview, they end in a rejection. And I think
Speaker 1: dating often feels like an interview where everyone puts forward
Speaker 1: the best version of themselves and the perfect version of themselves.
Speaker 1: And I think you're a lot better off putting forward
Speaker 1: the most authentic version of yourself and seeing how someone
Speaker 1: response to that, because hopefully, if they're the right person,
Speaker 1: they're going to show you their authentic, vulnerable side, and
Speaker 1: if they're not, you've already quickly figured out whether there's
Speaker 1: a match or not. So I often say that you
Speaker 1: attract what you use to impress, and I think a
Speaker 1: lot of us use parts of ourselves to impress people
Speaker 1: when actually we want to attract people through our authenticity.
Speaker 1: Jay Shetty is with us. I love this stuff. The
Speaker 1: book is called Eight Rules of Love, and I'm fascinating.
Speaker 1: So I want to understand the right I grew up.
Speaker 1: We had the food pyramid. I think that went away,
Speaker 1: But we had the food pyramid, and you looked at
Speaker 1: in that pyramid the right amount of things to have
Speaker 1: in your diet. I think they've changed that sense. But
Speaker 1: you have the intimacy pyramid that you talk about. I
Speaker 1: want to build the right intimacy pyramid. So what is that? What?
Speaker 1: How's that look? Yeah, I'm glad you brought up the
Speaker 1: food pyramid. I remember that too. I think it's really
Speaker 1: interesting because I think a lot of us think, like, oh,
Speaker 1: when you meet someone, everything's new, everything's fresh, there's lots
Speaker 1: of excitement, and what we're really experiencing is stress and
Speaker 1: excitement at the same time, and that's what we call
Speaker 1: the spark stress and excitement. Excitement of oh my god,
Speaker 1: they're so hot, and then the stress of do they
Speaker 1: think I'm hot? Or the excitement of I just got
Speaker 1: their number, or the stress of are they going to
Speaker 1: message me right? So we're feeling excitement and stress, and
Speaker 1: as you spend more time with someone, both of those
Speaker 1: start to go down because the stress goes down because
Speaker 1: you feel more comfortable with them, and the excitement goes
Speaker 1: down because now nothing's new, it feels old. And so
Speaker 1: the intimacy pyramid is designed to keep the excitement up always.
Speaker 1: You don't want stress to remain in a relationship, but
Speaker 1: we do want that excitement and freshness to remain. So
Speaker 1: entertainment is at the bottom of the pyramid. What I
Speaker 1: mean by that is watching TV together. Nothing wrong with it,
Speaker 1: it's great, but there's so much more we can do together.
Speaker 1: One up from that is experiences. When you go out
Speaker 1: and do a new experience that neither of you know
Speaker 1: a lot about, it can be a much better way
Speaker 1: to Now actually debrief and go, wait, what was that
Speaker 1: like for you? How did you respond to that? It
Speaker 1: could be watching a new show you've never watched. It
Speaker 1: could be going to the theater. It could be going
Speaker 1: to a new part of town that you've never visited before.
Speaker 1: Above that is something called experiments. These are my favorite personally.
Speaker 1: It's things like escape rooms. It's a sport that neither
Speaker 1: of you know how to play. It's a cooking class
Speaker 1: if both of you are not great in the kitchen.
Speaker 1: It's doing something where both of you are beginners. We're
Speaker 1: used for doing something where one of the partners is
Speaker 1: the export or knows their way around. You want to
Speaker 1: do something when neither of you have a clue a
Speaker 1: new part of your partner, right, You can't just You'll
Speaker 1: never learn something new if you only see them do
Speaker 1: old things like we see our partners wash up, we
Speaker 1: see our partners do the laundry, we see our partner
Speaker 1: do the dishes. That's not going to create that spark again.
Speaker 1: And then the highest is engagement. Can we actually go
Speaker 1: and serve together? Can we go and help at a
Speaker 1: homeless shelter? Can we go and help at a soup kitchen?
Speaker 1: And education together? Is phenomenal when you're learning together. Maybe
Speaker 1: you're reading the same book, listening to the same podcast,
Speaker 1: maybe you're doing a course together. There's so many other
Speaker 1: ways to connect beyond entertainment, and I encourage people to
Speaker 1: go out there and try that. But the clueless activities,
Speaker 1: like activities where you're both dumb, you just don't know
Speaker 1: how to do any of it, then you can fumble
Speaker 1: your weight through it with the sense of humor. Jay
Speaker 1: Shetty is here Jay's book Eight Rules of Love. Tanya
Speaker 1: proudly has it earmarked with several post its inside. No,
Speaker 1: You're the best. I found. I find so many nuggets
Speaker 1: in this book and your previous book. But I just
Speaker 1: find there's so much stuff, like we can learn so
Speaker 1: much about our partners, and like by learning the fighting styles,
Speaker 1: like I discovered I fight a certain way and Robbie
Speaker 1: fights a certain way, and it's like finding the compromise
Speaker 1: in the different ways that we argue. And I just
Speaker 1: find you to be so enlightening and just wonderful. And
Speaker 1: actually we went to Jay's show at the YouTube Theater
Speaker 1: last week and you mentioned these questions that you ask,
Speaker 1: like the thirty six getting to know you questions and
Speaker 1: we brought them out on our date night and asked
Speaker 1: them to each other and like learned new things about
Speaker 1: each other after three and a half years of dating.
Speaker 1: And I was like, Wow, it's just like nice. It works,
Speaker 1: it works. Notice how Ty has hogged the book sent
Speaker 1: to the show that we have not gotten our hands on. Jay.
Speaker 1: We have to get a break here, But I want
Speaker 1: to invite you back tomorrow because we have some more questions.
Speaker 1: Sis Tob's tomorrow being serious. Just after seven o'clock tomorrow,
Speaker 1: Jay Shetty is back Eight Rules of Love. Maybe Tanya
Speaker 1: will share the book with us overnight on a group text.
Speaker 1: The fighting styles is very very we'll talk about let's
Speaker 1: talk about the fighting styles, because yeah, I bicker a
Speaker 1: lot with my husband, and this is so good times.
Speaker 1: I find it like endearing and I find it like
Speaker 1: almost like a release. So I am interested. I'm very
Speaker 1: interested in the fighting styles. So let's pick up on
Speaker 1: that tomorrow. Jay, We'll see tomorrow, Pana Bell. In one minutes,
Speaker 1: we're back.