WEBVTT - INTERVIEW: Jay Shetty

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<v Speaker 1>All right, guys, if you are a romantic, or you

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<v Speaker 1>want to be a good one, or you just want

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<v Speaker 1>to hear us talk about it, then stay where yards

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<v Speaker 1>one or two point seven kids at them? Can we

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<v Speaker 1>bring in Jay Setti bringing in Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty,

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<v Speaker 1>author of Eight Rules of Love available now, let'sen to

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<v Speaker 1>his podcast. It's called on Purpose wherever you get your

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<v Speaker 1>podcast has beautiful eyes. Wow, your eyes are magic him

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<v Speaker 1>as the first time I've seen you. The color of

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<v Speaker 1>your eyes like that. New York Times best selling author

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<v Speaker 1>Eight Rules of Love, Jay, thank you for writing a manual.

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<v Speaker 1>I have a lot of questions. How are you? I'm

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<v Speaker 1>really well. Thank you so much for having me. It's

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<v Speaker 1>good to see you. What color are your eyes? I'll

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<v Speaker 1>let you decide idee. I told that Jane change color

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<v Speaker 1>depending on what I'm wearing, So I have no idea. Well,

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<v Speaker 1>you're not wearing much in there blue? All right? So

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<v Speaker 1>Eight Rules of Love. Just give us the framing of

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<v Speaker 1>what the intent of this book is. So the intent

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<v Speaker 1>is that I think so many of us have amazing

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<v Speaker 1>professional lives, but often our personal lives are struggling, usually

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<v Speaker 1>because of a lack of love or knowing how to

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<v Speaker 1>share it, give it, and receive it. Or on the

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<v Speaker 1>flip side, people who are struggling in their professional lives,

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<v Speaker 1>when they have love at home, they're able to take

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<v Speaker 1>more risks, they're able to switch. And I found that

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<v Speaker 1>people who had love in their lives, who are able

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<v Speaker 1>to find love keep love, we're able to live healthier,

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<v Speaker 1>happier lives. And so I tried to write a book

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<v Speaker 1>that would help people find love, help people keep love,

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<v Speaker 1>and help people let go of love no matter how

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<v Speaker 1>they lose it, so that we could take care of

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<v Speaker 1>the most important thing that we experience in this human life. MICHAELA,

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<v Speaker 1>you're still single and dating in La right, I am, yes, okay,

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<v Speaker 1>do you might want to listen to this? Are good?

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<v Speaker 1>So let's talk about that. MICHAELA. Is in the initial

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<v Speaker 1>stages of dating, meeting people first dating, you have any

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<v Speaker 1>guidance because it seems like they go more in the

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<v Speaker 1>direction of not well than well. One's fault, but they

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<v Speaker 1>just not click. Yeah. I think first of all I'm

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<v Speaker 1>going to say is that dating is all quoted and uncomfortable. Right,

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<v Speaker 1>It's not easy and it's not meant to be. Yeah, exactly,

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<v Speaker 1>it's tough, and I think we have this fairytailed version

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<v Speaker 1>of what the ideal date looks like or what the

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<v Speaker 1>ideal person looks like, and it's good to just get

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<v Speaker 1>rid of those and go, Okay, this is gonna be

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<v Speaker 1>awkind and uncomfortable, and that's okay, I'm going to sit

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<v Speaker 1>in there. I think the next thing is try and

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<v Speaker 1>meet people as quickly as possible. I think we spend

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<v Speaker 1>far too many hours, far too many days, far too

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<v Speaker 1>many weeks just messaging and trying to figure someone out

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<v Speaker 1>online and trying to be like, oh, do I like them?

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<v Speaker 1>Is there a spark? And I'm like, you're pretty much

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<v Speaker 1>never going to know. And I think getting to a

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<v Speaker 1>date as quick as possible, and by the way, if

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<v Speaker 1>someone's not open to doing that, that's a good sign

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<v Speaker 1>that this isn't going to turn into something real. And

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<v Speaker 1>the third thing I'd say, which is probably the hardest

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<v Speaker 1>one of all, is I think when relationships start as

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<v Speaker 1>an interview, they end in a rejection. And I think

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<v Speaker 1>dating often feels like an interview where everyone puts forward

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<v Speaker 1>the best version of themselves and the perfect version of themselves.

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<v Speaker 1>And I think you're a lot better off putting forward

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<v Speaker 1>the most authentic version of yourself and seeing how someone

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<v Speaker 1>response to that, because hopefully, if they're the right person,

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<v Speaker 1>they're going to show you their authentic, vulnerable side, and

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<v Speaker 1>if they're not, you've already quickly figured out whether there's

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<v Speaker 1>a match or not. So I often say that you

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<v Speaker 1>attract what you use to impress, and I think a

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<v Speaker 1>lot of us use parts of ourselves to impress people

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<v Speaker 1>when actually we want to attract people through our authenticity.

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<v Speaker 1>Jay Shetty is with us. I love this stuff. The

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<v Speaker 1>book is called Eight Rules of Love, and I'm fascinating.

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<v Speaker 1>So I want to understand the right I grew up.

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<v Speaker 1>We had the food pyramid. I think that went away,

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<v Speaker 1>But we had the food pyramid, and you looked at

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<v Speaker 1>in that pyramid the right amount of things to have

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<v Speaker 1>in your diet. I think they've changed that sense. But

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<v Speaker 1>you have the intimacy pyramid that you talk about. I

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<v Speaker 1>want to build the right intimacy pyramid. So what is that? What?

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<v Speaker 1>How's that look? Yeah, I'm glad you brought up the

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<v Speaker 1>food pyramid. I remember that too. I think it's really

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<v Speaker 1>interesting because I think a lot of us think, like, oh,

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<v Speaker 1>when you meet someone, everything's new, everything's fresh, there's lots

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<v Speaker 1>of excitement, and what we're really experiencing is stress and

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<v Speaker 1>excitement at the same time, and that's what we call

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<v Speaker 1>the spark stress and excitement. Excitement of oh my god,

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<v Speaker 1>they're so hot, and then the stress of do they

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<v Speaker 1>think I'm hot? Or the excitement of I just got

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<v Speaker 1>their number, or the stress of are they going to

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<v Speaker 1>message me right? So we're feeling excitement and stress, and

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<v Speaker 1>as you spend more time with someone, both of those

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<v Speaker 1>start to go down because the stress goes down because

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<v Speaker 1>you feel more comfortable with them, and the excitement goes

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<v Speaker 1>down because now nothing's new, it feels old. And so

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<v Speaker 1>the intimacy pyramid is designed to keep the excitement up always.

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<v Speaker 1>You don't want stress to remain in a relationship, but

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<v Speaker 1>we do want that excitement and freshness to remain. So

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<v Speaker 1>entertainment is at the bottom of the pyramid. What I

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<v Speaker 1>mean by that is watching TV together. Nothing wrong with it,

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<v Speaker 1>it's great, but there's so much more we can do together.

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<v Speaker 1>One up from that is experiences. When you go out

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<v Speaker 1>and do a new experience that neither of you know

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<v Speaker 1>a lot about, it can be a much better way

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<v Speaker 1>to Now actually debrief and go, wait, what was that

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<v Speaker 1>like for you? How did you respond to that? It

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<v Speaker 1>could be watching a new show you've never watched. It

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<v Speaker 1>could be going to the theater. It could be going

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<v Speaker 1>to a new part of town that you've never visited before.

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<v Speaker 1>Above that is something called experiments. These are my favorite personally.

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<v Speaker 1>It's things like escape rooms. It's a sport that neither

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<v Speaker 1>of you know how to play. It's a cooking class

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<v Speaker 1>if both of you are not great in the kitchen.

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<v Speaker 1>It's doing something where both of you are beginners. We're

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<v Speaker 1>used for doing something where one of the partners is

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<v Speaker 1>the export or knows their way around. You want to

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<v Speaker 1>do something when neither of you have a clue a

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<v Speaker 1>new part of your partner, right, You can't just You'll

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<v Speaker 1>never learn something new if you only see them do

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<v Speaker 1>old things like we see our partners wash up, we

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<v Speaker 1>see our partners do the laundry, we see our partner

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<v Speaker 1>do the dishes. That's not going to create that spark again.

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<v Speaker 1>And then the highest is engagement. Can we actually go

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<v Speaker 1>and serve together? Can we go and help at a

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<v Speaker 1>homeless shelter? Can we go and help at a soup kitchen?

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<v Speaker 1>And education together? Is phenomenal when you're learning together. Maybe

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<v Speaker 1>you're reading the same book, listening to the same podcast,

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<v Speaker 1>maybe you're doing a course together. There's so many other

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<v Speaker 1>ways to connect beyond entertainment, and I encourage people to

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<v Speaker 1>go out there and try that. But the clueless activities,

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<v Speaker 1>like activities where you're both dumb, you just don't know

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<v Speaker 1>how to do any of it, then you can fumble

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<v Speaker 1>your weight through it with the sense of humor. Jay

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<v Speaker 1>Shetty is here Jay's book Eight Rules of Love. Tanya

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<v Speaker 1>proudly has it earmarked with several post its inside. No,

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<v Speaker 1>You're the best. I found. I find so many nuggets

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<v Speaker 1>in this book and your previous book. But I just

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<v Speaker 1>find there's so much stuff, like we can learn so

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<v Speaker 1>much about our partners, and like by learning the fighting styles,

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<v Speaker 1>like I discovered I fight a certain way and Robbie

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<v Speaker 1>fights a certain way, and it's like finding the compromise

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<v Speaker 1>in the different ways that we argue. And I just

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<v Speaker 1>find you to be so enlightening and just wonderful. And

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<v Speaker 1>actually we went to Jay's show at the YouTube Theater

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<v Speaker 1>last week and you mentioned these questions that you ask,

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<v Speaker 1>like the thirty six getting to know you questions and

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<v Speaker 1>we brought them out on our date night and asked

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<v Speaker 1>them to each other and like learned new things about

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<v Speaker 1>each other after three and a half years of dating.

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<v Speaker 1>And I was like, Wow, it's just like nice. It works,

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<v Speaker 1>it works. Notice how Ty has hogged the book sent

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<v Speaker 1>to the show that we have not gotten our hands on. Jay.

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<v Speaker 1>We have to get a break here, But I want

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<v Speaker 1>to invite you back tomorrow because we have some more questions.

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<v Speaker 1>Sis Tob's tomorrow being serious. Just after seven o'clock tomorrow,

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<v Speaker 1>Jay Shetty is back Eight Rules of Love. Maybe Tanya

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<v Speaker 1>will share the book with us overnight on a group text.

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<v Speaker 1>The fighting styles is very very we'll talk about let's

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<v Speaker 1>talk about the fighting styles, because yeah, I bicker a

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<v Speaker 1>lot with my husband, and this is so good times.

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<v Speaker 1>I find it like endearing and I find it like

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<v Speaker 1>almost like a release. So I am interested. I'm very

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<v Speaker 1>interested in the fighting styles. So let's pick up on

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<v Speaker 1>that tomorrow. Jay, We'll see tomorrow, Pana Bell. In one minutes,

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<v Speaker 1>we're back.