1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,720 Speaker 1: All right, guys, if you are a romantic, or you 2 00:00:02,759 --> 00:00:04,360 Speaker 1: want to be a good one, or you just want 3 00:00:04,360 --> 00:00:06,080 Speaker 1: to hear us talk about it, then stay where yards 4 00:00:06,120 --> 00:00:07,840 Speaker 1: one or two point seven kids at them? Can we 5 00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:11,160 Speaker 1: bring in Jay Setti bringing in Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty, 6 00:00:11,240 --> 00:00:13,640 Speaker 1: author of Eight Rules of Love available now, let'sen to 7 00:00:13,640 --> 00:00:16,320 Speaker 1: his podcast. It's called on Purpose wherever you get your 8 00:00:16,360 --> 00:00:20,480 Speaker 1: podcast has beautiful eyes. Wow, your eyes are magic him 9 00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:23,320 Speaker 1: as the first time I've seen you. The color of 10 00:00:23,360 --> 00:00:27,320 Speaker 1: your eyes like that. New York Times best selling author 11 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:31,280 Speaker 1: Eight Rules of Love, Jay, thank you for writing a manual. 12 00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:33,480 Speaker 1: I have a lot of questions. How are you? I'm 13 00:00:33,479 --> 00:00:35,159 Speaker 1: really well. Thank you so much for having me. It's 14 00:00:35,159 --> 00:00:39,000 Speaker 1: good to see you. What color are your eyes? I'll 15 00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:43,560 Speaker 1: let you decide idee. I told that Jane change color 16 00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:45,840 Speaker 1: depending on what I'm wearing, So I have no idea. Well, 17 00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:50,720 Speaker 1: you're not wearing much in there blue? All right? So 18 00:00:51,080 --> 00:00:54,040 Speaker 1: Eight Rules of Love. Just give us the framing of 19 00:00:54,520 --> 00:00:58,520 Speaker 1: what the intent of this book is. So the intent 20 00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:01,560 Speaker 1: is that I think so many of us have amazing 21 00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:06,720 Speaker 1: professional lives, but often our personal lives are struggling, usually 22 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:08,560 Speaker 1: because of a lack of love or knowing how to 23 00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:11,000 Speaker 1: share it, give it, and receive it. Or on the 24 00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:14,040 Speaker 1: flip side, people who are struggling in their professional lives, 25 00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:16,600 Speaker 1: when they have love at home, they're able to take 26 00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:19,000 Speaker 1: more risks, they're able to switch. And I found that 27 00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:21,640 Speaker 1: people who had love in their lives, who are able 28 00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:24,880 Speaker 1: to find love keep love, we're able to live healthier, 29 00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:27,399 Speaker 1: happier lives. And so I tried to write a book 30 00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:30,080 Speaker 1: that would help people find love, help people keep love, 31 00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:32,640 Speaker 1: and help people let go of love no matter how 32 00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:34,520 Speaker 1: they lose it, so that we could take care of 33 00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:39,240 Speaker 1: the most important thing that we experience in this human life. MICHAELA, 34 00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:43,039 Speaker 1: you're still single and dating in La right, I am, yes, okay, 35 00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:46,840 Speaker 1: do you might want to listen to this? Are good? 36 00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:51,840 Speaker 1: So let's talk about that. MICHAELA. Is in the initial 37 00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:54,840 Speaker 1: stages of dating, meeting people first dating, you have any 38 00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:57,720 Speaker 1: guidance because it seems like they go more in the 39 00:01:57,760 --> 00:02:00,760 Speaker 1: direction of not well than well. One's fault, but they 40 00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:03,560 Speaker 1: just not click. Yeah. I think first of all I'm 41 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:07,040 Speaker 1: going to say is that dating is all quoted and uncomfortable. Right, 42 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:09,760 Speaker 1: It's not easy and it's not meant to be. Yeah, exactly, 43 00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:12,800 Speaker 1: it's tough, and I think we have this fairytailed version 44 00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:15,040 Speaker 1: of what the ideal date looks like or what the 45 00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:17,320 Speaker 1: ideal person looks like, and it's good to just get 46 00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:18,840 Speaker 1: rid of those and go, Okay, this is gonna be 47 00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:21,560 Speaker 1: awkind and uncomfortable, and that's okay, I'm going to sit 48 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,440 Speaker 1: in there. I think the next thing is try and 49 00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:25,720 Speaker 1: meet people as quickly as possible. I think we spend 50 00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:27,880 Speaker 1: far too many hours, far too many days, far too 51 00:02:27,919 --> 00:02:31,480 Speaker 1: many weeks just messaging and trying to figure someone out 52 00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:33,919 Speaker 1: online and trying to be like, oh, do I like them? 53 00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:36,359 Speaker 1: Is there a spark? And I'm like, you're pretty much 54 00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:38,400 Speaker 1: never going to know. And I think getting to a 55 00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:39,880 Speaker 1: date as quick as possible, and by the way, if 56 00:02:39,880 --> 00:02:42,280 Speaker 1: someone's not open to doing that, that's a good sign 57 00:02:42,320 --> 00:02:44,680 Speaker 1: that this isn't going to turn into something real. And 58 00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:47,440 Speaker 1: the third thing I'd say, which is probably the hardest 59 00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:51,320 Speaker 1: one of all, is I think when relationships start as 60 00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:54,480 Speaker 1: an interview, they end in a rejection. And I think 61 00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:57,400 Speaker 1: dating often feels like an interview where everyone puts forward 62 00:02:57,680 --> 00:03:00,720 Speaker 1: the best version of themselves and the perfect version of themselves. 63 00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:03,560 Speaker 1: And I think you're a lot better off putting forward 64 00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:06,840 Speaker 1: the most authentic version of yourself and seeing how someone 65 00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:10,200 Speaker 1: response to that, because hopefully, if they're the right person, 66 00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:13,080 Speaker 1: they're going to show you their authentic, vulnerable side, and 67 00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:16,119 Speaker 1: if they're not, you've already quickly figured out whether there's 68 00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:18,480 Speaker 1: a match or not. So I often say that you 69 00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:22,080 Speaker 1: attract what you use to impress, and I think a 70 00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:24,840 Speaker 1: lot of us use parts of ourselves to impress people 71 00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:28,200 Speaker 1: when actually we want to attract people through our authenticity. 72 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:31,320 Speaker 1: Jay Shetty is with us. I love this stuff. The 73 00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:35,080 Speaker 1: book is called Eight Rules of Love, and I'm fascinating. 74 00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:37,600 Speaker 1: So I want to understand the right I grew up. 75 00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:39,720 Speaker 1: We had the food pyramid. I think that went away, 76 00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:42,040 Speaker 1: But we had the food pyramid, and you looked at 77 00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:44,400 Speaker 1: in that pyramid the right amount of things to have 78 00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:46,440 Speaker 1: in your diet. I think they've changed that sense. But 79 00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:50,120 Speaker 1: you have the intimacy pyramid that you talk about. I 80 00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:53,120 Speaker 1: want to build the right intimacy pyramid. So what is that? What? 81 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:56,560 Speaker 1: How's that look? Yeah, I'm glad you brought up the 82 00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:59,720 Speaker 1: food pyramid. I remember that too. I think it's really 83 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:03,600 Speaker 1: interesting because I think a lot of us think, like, oh, 84 00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:06,080 Speaker 1: when you meet someone, everything's new, everything's fresh, there's lots 85 00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:09,040 Speaker 1: of excitement, and what we're really experiencing is stress and 86 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:10,920 Speaker 1: excitement at the same time, and that's what we call 87 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:14,600 Speaker 1: the spark stress and excitement. Excitement of oh my god, 88 00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:16,760 Speaker 1: they're so hot, and then the stress of do they 89 00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:19,360 Speaker 1: think I'm hot? Or the excitement of I just got 90 00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:22,320 Speaker 1: their number, or the stress of are they going to 91 00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:25,120 Speaker 1: message me right? So we're feeling excitement and stress, and 92 00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:27,200 Speaker 1: as you spend more time with someone, both of those 93 00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:29,960 Speaker 1: start to go down because the stress goes down because 94 00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:32,760 Speaker 1: you feel more comfortable with them, and the excitement goes 95 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:35,280 Speaker 1: down because now nothing's new, it feels old. And so 96 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:40,080 Speaker 1: the intimacy pyramid is designed to keep the excitement up always. 97 00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:42,520 Speaker 1: You don't want stress to remain in a relationship, but 98 00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:45,480 Speaker 1: we do want that excitement and freshness to remain. So 99 00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:47,800 Speaker 1: entertainment is at the bottom of the pyramid. What I 100 00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:50,360 Speaker 1: mean by that is watching TV together. Nothing wrong with it, 101 00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:52,920 Speaker 1: it's great, but there's so much more we can do together. 102 00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:55,640 Speaker 1: One up from that is experiences. When you go out 103 00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:58,039 Speaker 1: and do a new experience that neither of you know 104 00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:00,240 Speaker 1: a lot about, it can be a much better way 105 00:05:00,279 --> 00:05:02,919 Speaker 1: to Now actually debrief and go, wait, what was that 106 00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:04,760 Speaker 1: like for you? How did you respond to that? It 107 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:06,840 Speaker 1: could be watching a new show you've never watched. It 108 00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:09,840 Speaker 1: could be going to the theater. It could be going 109 00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:12,200 Speaker 1: to a new part of town that you've never visited before. 110 00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:16,520 Speaker 1: Above that is something called experiments. These are my favorite personally. 111 00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:20,760 Speaker 1: It's things like escape rooms. It's a sport that neither 112 00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:22,479 Speaker 1: of you know how to play. It's a cooking class 113 00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:23,920 Speaker 1: if both of you are not great in the kitchen. 114 00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:27,600 Speaker 1: It's doing something where both of you are beginners. We're 115 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:29,640 Speaker 1: used for doing something where one of the partners is 116 00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:32,240 Speaker 1: the export or knows their way around. You want to 117 00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:35,919 Speaker 1: do something when neither of you have a clue a 118 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:39,480 Speaker 1: new part of your partner, right, You can't just You'll 119 00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:41,479 Speaker 1: never learn something new if you only see them do 120 00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:43,680 Speaker 1: old things like we see our partners wash up, we 121 00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:45,479 Speaker 1: see our partners do the laundry, we see our partner 122 00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:48,320 Speaker 1: do the dishes. That's not going to create that spark again. 123 00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:50,919 Speaker 1: And then the highest is engagement. Can we actually go 124 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:54,719 Speaker 1: and serve together? Can we go and help at a 125 00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:57,159 Speaker 1: homeless shelter? Can we go and help at a soup kitchen? 126 00:05:57,839 --> 00:06:01,360 Speaker 1: And education together? Is phenomenal when you're learning together. Maybe 127 00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:04,200 Speaker 1: you're reading the same book, listening to the same podcast, 128 00:06:04,279 --> 00:06:06,680 Speaker 1: maybe you're doing a course together. There's so many other 129 00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:09,520 Speaker 1: ways to connect beyond entertainment, and I encourage people to 130 00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:12,440 Speaker 1: go out there and try that. But the clueless activities, 131 00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:15,800 Speaker 1: like activities where you're both dumb, you just don't know 132 00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:18,039 Speaker 1: how to do any of it, then you can fumble 133 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:22,040 Speaker 1: your weight through it with the sense of humor. Jay 134 00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:25,200 Speaker 1: Shetty is here Jay's book Eight Rules of Love. Tanya 135 00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:32,599 Speaker 1: proudly has it earmarked with several post its inside. No, 136 00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:36,359 Speaker 1: You're the best. I found. I find so many nuggets 137 00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:39,400 Speaker 1: in this book and your previous book. But I just 138 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:41,919 Speaker 1: find there's so much stuff, like we can learn so 139 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:45,400 Speaker 1: much about our partners, and like by learning the fighting styles, 140 00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:48,160 Speaker 1: like I discovered I fight a certain way and Robbie 141 00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:50,960 Speaker 1: fights a certain way, and it's like finding the compromise 142 00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:53,760 Speaker 1: in the different ways that we argue. And I just 143 00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:57,599 Speaker 1: find you to be so enlightening and just wonderful. And 144 00:06:57,680 --> 00:06:59,920 Speaker 1: actually we went to Jay's show at the YouTube Theater 145 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:02,720 Speaker 1: last week and you mentioned these questions that you ask, 146 00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:05,360 Speaker 1: like the thirty six getting to know you questions and 147 00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:07,160 Speaker 1: we brought them out on our date night and asked 148 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:09,520 Speaker 1: them to each other and like learned new things about 149 00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:11,239 Speaker 1: each other after three and a half years of dating. 150 00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:14,360 Speaker 1: And I was like, Wow, it's just like nice. It works, 151 00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:18,840 Speaker 1: it works. Notice how Ty has hogged the book sent 152 00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:24,640 Speaker 1: to the show that we have not gotten our hands on. Jay. 153 00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:26,680 Speaker 1: We have to get a break here, But I want 154 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:29,360 Speaker 1: to invite you back tomorrow because we have some more questions. 155 00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:34,200 Speaker 1: Sis Tob's tomorrow being serious. Just after seven o'clock tomorrow, 156 00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:37,520 Speaker 1: Jay Shetty is back Eight Rules of Love. Maybe Tanya 157 00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:40,000 Speaker 1: will share the book with us overnight on a group text. 158 00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:43,160 Speaker 1: The fighting styles is very very we'll talk about let's 159 00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:45,280 Speaker 1: talk about the fighting styles, because yeah, I bicker a 160 00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:47,600 Speaker 1: lot with my husband, and this is so good times. 161 00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:49,920 Speaker 1: I find it like endearing and I find it like 162 00:07:49,920 --> 00:07:52,960 Speaker 1: almost like a release. So I am interested. I'm very 163 00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:55,000 Speaker 1: interested in the fighting styles. So let's pick up on 164 00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:59,440 Speaker 1: that tomorrow. Jay, We'll see tomorrow, Pana Bell. In one minutes, 165 00:07:59,480 --> 00:07:59,840 Speaker 1: we're back.