1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:02,840 Speaker 1: I'm divorcing my husband to have more me time. Am 2 00:00:02,880 --> 00:00:03,600 Speaker 1: I the asshole? 3 00:00:04,160 --> 00:00:04,400 Speaker 2: You know? 4 00:00:04,640 --> 00:00:07,640 Speaker 3: You were just smothering me with this whole like, hey wife, 5 00:00:07,680 --> 00:00:11,239 Speaker 3: good morning, how you doing. Yeah, first thing I wake up, 6 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:13,640 Speaker 3: go back to sleep. 7 00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:17,000 Speaker 1: Yeah, forever. Yeah, I want some freakin I want some 8 00:00:17,079 --> 00:00:22,960 Speaker 1: freaking space. They say sickness and in health, but I 9 00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:26,320 Speaker 1: want you to be nowhere in either of those cases. 10 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:29,000 Speaker 1: I want you to be under the ground in a 11 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:34,080 Speaker 1: little freaking receptacle, far far away from me. But you can, 12 00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:36,400 Speaker 1: like maybe like zoom in and conference call with me 13 00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:38,839 Speaker 1: every once in a while. But yeah, not really in 14 00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:43,400 Speaker 1: my message game here there maybe a freaking carrier pitcheon, 15 00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:45,320 Speaker 1: send me a carrier pigeon if you really want to 16 00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:48,680 Speaker 1: talk to me. But like otherwise, ick, yeah, my aunt 17 00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:54,360 Speaker 1: is actually talking too much to my partner. Disgusting being 18 00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:57,880 Speaker 1: too close to them. Yeah that's my ick. Yeah, respect, 19 00:00:58,280 --> 00:00:59,760 Speaker 1: that's too emotionally there for me. 20 00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:02,400 Speaker 2: Ill. Yeah, don't talk. 21 00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:08,280 Speaker 1: Don't talk, adunl't look at my direction. Be anxiously avoidant. 22 00:01:09,040 --> 00:01:14,839 Speaker 1: That's my ideal relationship style. Perfect editors. Take the funniest 23 00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:19,840 Speaker 1: thing of that, the best thing. Yeah, all right, my 24 00:01:19,959 --> 00:01:22,320 Speaker 1: husband forty male and I thirty nine female, have been 25 00:01:22,360 --> 00:01:25,640 Speaker 1: married for twelve years together for thirteen. We are in 26 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:29,360 Speaker 1: a wonderful marriage overall. However, I typically end up with 27 00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:33,200 Speaker 1: the brunt of the housework, cooking errand's laundry, and early 28 00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:35,360 Speaker 1: morning wake up with the youngest of our two boys, 29 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:38,840 Speaker 1: six male and thirteen male, even on Saturdays and Sundays. 30 00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:41,120 Speaker 2: Dang, no days off over here. 31 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:43,119 Speaker 1: Nold days off. I also spend a lot of time 32 00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:46,800 Speaker 1: cleaning up behind my husband because he forgets to do things. 33 00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:49,040 Speaker 1: Because of this, I usually end up with almost no 34 00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:51,280 Speaker 1: free time, and I never get to be the one 35 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:53,520 Speaker 1: who sleeps in. A lot of things he forgets are 36 00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:56,480 Speaker 1: small things like leaving shoes in the hawkway, We're leaving 37 00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:58,720 Speaker 1: the lint from the lint trap on the top dryer 38 00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:01,400 Speaker 1: instead of throwing it away. Are continuing to put trash 39 00:02:01,520 --> 00:02:05,200 Speaker 1: in an already full trash can, which I have I'm 40 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:07,440 Speaker 1: doing currently. I need to take out the trash. Ba 41 00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:11,079 Speaker 1: same Christians getting mad at me for that. Yeah, christ 42 00:02:11,639 --> 00:02:15,040 Speaker 1: trash is over overflowing right now. Use glasses left out 43 00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:17,679 Speaker 1: instead of brought to the sinc use washrags left out 44 00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:20,320 Speaker 1: on the shower floor, et cetera. Man is a slob. 45 00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:21,800 Speaker 2: Yeah, for real. 46 00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:25,560 Speaker 1: It sounds petty, but over time, all these little things 47 00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:27,960 Speaker 1: are a lot of time out of my life, cleaning 48 00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:31,160 Speaker 1: up after a grown up when I'm already cleaning up 49 00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:34,160 Speaker 1: after two non grown ups. I own a business. Oh shit, 50 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:37,680 Speaker 1: that also changes things. She's working. I own a business, 51 00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:40,160 Speaker 1: and I'm working on my degree on top of all this, 52 00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:42,720 Speaker 1: so I have very little spare time as it is. 53 00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:47,720 Speaker 2: Wow geez, that's so much, dude. 54 00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:50,320 Speaker 1: Yeah, she's doing the most. She's doing the most. 55 00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:52,440 Speaker 2: Wow geez, that is a lot to do. 56 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:55,120 Speaker 1: He, on the other hand, works from home and is 57 00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:58,120 Speaker 1: able to sleep and take a nap breaks, play video 58 00:02:58,120 --> 00:03:00,320 Speaker 1: games on his lunch break, and even take it's an 59 00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:03,360 Speaker 1: hour or two every evening while I study to play 60 00:03:03,440 --> 00:03:09,120 Speaker 1: video games again to decompress. Fucking lame dude. Right anyway, 61 00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:11,280 Speaker 1: He does give me time to go to the gym 62 00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:14,079 Speaker 1: or run, but I've been skipping it more and more 63 00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:15,919 Speaker 1: to try to keep up with the mess and chores 64 00:03:15,919 --> 00:03:17,520 Speaker 1: at home. When I bring it up, he says, I'm 65 00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:19,880 Speaker 1: being unfair because I'm focusing all the few times he 66 00:03:19,919 --> 00:03:22,080 Speaker 1: forgets to pick up after himself, and I'm not saying 67 00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:24,400 Speaker 1: all the other things he does He does clean up 68 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:26,680 Speaker 1: after himself about fifty percent of the time, depending on 69 00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:30,359 Speaker 1: what it is, but some things he legitimately never does, 70 00:03:30,639 --> 00:03:33,480 Speaker 1: like leaving lint on the dryer or throwing away use 71 00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:38,360 Speaker 1: toilet paper rolls? Does that all the time? 72 00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:39,200 Speaker 2: Whatever? 73 00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:42,280 Speaker 1: Throws away a toilet paper rollever? 74 00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:42,880 Speaker 3: Dude? 75 00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:48,160 Speaker 1: Oh my god, I can't believe it. Whoa literallys like, 76 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:55,920 Speaker 1: never ever ever actually thrown away at toilet? Okay. He 77 00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:58,920 Speaker 1: also suffers from a sleep disorder, which can make a 78 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:02,280 Speaker 1: person feel foggy. Sometimes, he says, I should be more 79 00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:05,240 Speaker 1: compassionate with him, and except this is part of loving 80 00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:12,680 Speaker 1: someone with a chronic illness. He has enough so I 81 00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:15,720 Speaker 1: couldn't possibly pick up after myself. 82 00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:20,280 Speaker 3: He has three am trying to finish this campaign with 83 00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:20,919 Speaker 3: the boys. 84 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:24,480 Speaker 2: You don't understand, Yeah, dude, this. 85 00:04:24,520 --> 00:04:26,200 Speaker 1: Is really important campaign. 86 00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:28,240 Speaker 2: Come on. 87 00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:31,799 Speaker 1: The truth is that I do understand what chronic illness 88 00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:34,359 Speaker 1: is like, and I do have compassion. I myself have 89 00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:37,160 Speaker 1: been living with chronic pain and fatigue for years and 90 00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:40,719 Speaker 1: finally undergoing the diagnostic and treatment process for lupus and 91 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:42,080 Speaker 1: ra Riley, what's ra? 92 00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:44,599 Speaker 3: Also? What did you glitch a little bit? Do we 93 00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:45,320 Speaker 3: know what he has? 94 00:04:46,839 --> 00:04:48,440 Speaker 2: Uh? What? 95 00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:56,120 Speaker 1: The guy has. Yeah, he has fogginess, fogginess, chronic fog, 96 00:04:56,279 --> 00:05:02,440 Speaker 1: chronic disorder. He probably has like narcochronic like whom it's 97 00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:09,360 Speaker 1: like rima, thoid arthritis, a chronic long lasting auto Yeah. 98 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:13,720 Speaker 1: Yeah that affects joints. Yeah yeah, yeah. They can get 99 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:15,440 Speaker 1: really bad a lot later in life too. 100 00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:17,960 Speaker 2: Bro Oh, he's going on. 101 00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:21,520 Speaker 1: I'm always in pain and constantly exhausted, but I muscle 102 00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:24,400 Speaker 1: through and maintain a reasonable level of order and sanitation 103 00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:26,919 Speaker 1: in my home because that's what adults do for their kids. 104 00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:28,960 Speaker 1: I don't have the luxury to forget to do the 105 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:31,839 Speaker 1: important things like laundry, dishes, or cleaning, because then no 106 00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:33,840 Speaker 1: one else does it. He also says I have an 107 00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:37,360 Speaker 1: unreasonably high standard of cleanliness. Really, I feel like, not 108 00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:39,680 Speaker 1: wanting to leave urine stains are on the base of 109 00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:42,120 Speaker 1: the toilet, they are leaving used dishes and food on 110 00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:45,679 Speaker 1: counters in an area notorious for roaches is not having 111 00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:49,360 Speaker 1: high standards. I feel like his standards are lower than 112 00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:52,799 Speaker 1: the average adults, as most people would find that pretty gross. 113 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:56,080 Speaker 2: Babe, I'm friends with the roaches. I want them to. 114 00:05:57,520 --> 00:05:58,880 Speaker 1: I want them to love me. 115 00:05:59,320 --> 00:05:59,840 Speaker 2: They are my. 116 00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:05,839 Speaker 1: A Have you ever seen ratit tu wee. They're great. 117 00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:06,840 Speaker 1: They're two teweed to. 118 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:12,599 Speaker 2: Cook, babe, but not to clean so much. We could learn. 119 00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:16,080 Speaker 1: One of my things my journey through AID has taught 120 00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:18,359 Speaker 1: me is to learn to say no. What's a I 121 00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:22,480 Speaker 1: d AI D thought AIDS say no disorder? 122 00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:24,200 Speaker 2: Auto disorder? 123 00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:26,839 Speaker 1: Yeah, that makes sense, it might be wrong. No, I 124 00:06:26,839 --> 00:06:32,119 Speaker 1: think that's right. I think that's right, like AIDS, ADS 125 00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:35,120 Speaker 1: is an autoimmune disorder. Right, that's what what it stands for. 126 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:38,479 Speaker 1: Although I love my husband and best friend dearly, I 127 00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:41,239 Speaker 1: don't see this ever changing unless he is literally forced. 128 00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:43,599 Speaker 1: I am starting to feel like taking myself out of 129 00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:46,200 Speaker 1: the equation is the best option to maintain my own 130 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:48,600 Speaker 1: sanity by having one less person to clean up after 131 00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:52,200 Speaker 1: and find some much needed downtime through shared custody. So 132 00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:57,039 Speaker 1: she's thinking divorce, Yeah, even if he only had the 133 00:06:57,120 --> 00:06:59,520 Speaker 1: kids for one day a week. I feel like custody 134 00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:02,000 Speaker 1: sharing my force him to hold himself to a reasonable 135 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:05,440 Speaker 1: standard of hygiene and cleaningness too. I definitely enable his 136 00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:09,520 Speaker 1: laziness out of necessity to meet basic safe levels or cleanliness. 137 00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:12,520 Speaker 1: Without me there, he'd have to learn to be consistent 138 00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:16,320 Speaker 1: or risk losing visitation. This is the only complaint within 139 00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:18,600 Speaker 1: the marriage. We really do love each other and care 140 00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:21,680 Speaker 1: for each other, and he's emotionally very kind and supportive. 141 00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:24,480 Speaker 1: I love him very much. But would I be the 142 00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:28,480 Speaker 1: asshole for divorcing over this? And there is a big, 143 00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:33,200 Speaker 1: juicy updates and a little bit more info. But what 144 00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:35,440 Speaker 1: do you think John? Is op the asshole for thinking 145 00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:36,080 Speaker 1: about divorce? 146 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:37,600 Speaker 2: I got some thoughts. 147 00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:40,480 Speaker 3: So, something we've actually brought up on the show before 148 00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:42,320 Speaker 3: is like, oh, well, what about you know, if you 149 00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:45,160 Speaker 3: have a two two income household, have a lot of income, 150 00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:47,720 Speaker 3: maybe hiring like someone to help with like the chores, 151 00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:51,840 Speaker 3: cleaning the house, like et cetera. However, in this case, 152 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:55,080 Speaker 3: I think it's more of like op It's not like 153 00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:56,840 Speaker 3: both of them are trying to keep up and they're 154 00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:58,760 Speaker 3: like just getting stressed over and like, ah, let's just 155 00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:01,320 Speaker 3: like take the load off of both of us. It 156 00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:06,040 Speaker 3: really seems like Opie's husband is not acknowledging all of 157 00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:09,280 Speaker 3: the effort and work that Opie's putting into, despite the 158 00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:12,920 Speaker 3: massive amount of stuff that she has on her own plate. 159 00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:16,680 Speaker 3: So I don't know that while sometimes I think that's 160 00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:18,600 Speaker 3: a great solution, I don't know that it works here 161 00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:21,080 Speaker 3: and it's really him just not respecting her at the 162 00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:21,800 Speaker 3: end of the day. 163 00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:26,920 Speaker 1: I wonder if like a half measure is like going 164 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:29,440 Speaker 1: on a vacation for a week or like staying with 165 00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:32,240 Speaker 1: her family for a week and say like, hey, I 166 00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:35,040 Speaker 1: want you to like take care of the house for 167 00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:38,880 Speaker 1: a week and see what it actually means to do that. Yeah, 168 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:42,000 Speaker 1: I like that, And then I want you to I 169 00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:43,760 Speaker 1: want to come back to this house and it actually 170 00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:45,400 Speaker 1: be like spotless. 171 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,760 Speaker 3: Yeah, like show show a commitment to me because I've 172 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:52,640 Speaker 3: put in all this effort over all these years. Could 173 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:54,680 Speaker 3: you give me one week where you know, you clean 174 00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:56,360 Speaker 3: well for yourself and the kids, and I come home 175 00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:57,240 Speaker 3: to a nice clean. 176 00:08:57,080 --> 00:09:00,240 Speaker 1: House and and like maybe it's like maybe it's saying 177 00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:01,640 Speaker 1: like hey, I want you to do all the clean 178 00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:04,520 Speaker 1: or even just being there's like I want you to 179 00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:06,800 Speaker 1: do all the cleaning this week. I think I think 180 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:09,760 Speaker 1: she has to leave the house to really be effective. 181 00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:12,360 Speaker 1: But like I think he just needs to understand what 182 00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:17,199 Speaker 1: it means to clean in entirety, so he like really 183 00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:17,719 Speaker 1: gets it. 184 00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:21,400 Speaker 2: Yeah, I agree. Well, I think it's a great idea. 185 00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:24,960 Speaker 1: Let's see. So here's some update on the info yes, 186 00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:27,760 Speaker 1: we have talked about it a lot, a lot. We 187 00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:30,000 Speaker 1: have the same fight at least once every other week 188 00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:35,360 Speaker 1: for over a decade. That's a I think that's an 189 00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:38,840 Speaker 1: indicator that someone is not hearing you. We tried counseling, 190 00:09:38,880 --> 00:09:41,680 Speaker 1: nothing changed. Even after our therapist told him that even 191 00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:45,320 Speaker 1: though he was loving and supportive, resentment was a marriage killer. 192 00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:50,000 Speaker 1: She suggested a maide service, which is what you suggested too. 193 00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:53,040 Speaker 1: He does not want to spend money on a cleaning service. 194 00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:55,320 Speaker 1: I would love to have weekly cleanings. I was able 195 00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:57,960 Speaker 1: to talk him into a one cleaning per month. I'm 196 00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:00,840 Speaker 1: working on increasing my earning potential so I can afford 197 00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:04,200 Speaker 1: it myself. Yes, he does have diagnosed ADHD. I feel 198 00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:07,040 Speaker 1: like this is a potential explanation, not excuse thing though. 199 00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:09,640 Speaker 1: And five, I know divorce is expensive, but I have 200 00:10:09,679 --> 00:10:12,240 Speaker 1: a very supportive family, and I'm very close to expanding 201 00:10:12,280 --> 00:10:14,720 Speaker 1: my business and attaining degrees that would allow me to 202 00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:17,439 Speaker 1: be more autonomous. That being said, we care a lot 203 00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:20,480 Speaker 1: about each other, parent well together, and have a lot 204 00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:22,520 Speaker 1: that we've built together. Okay, and there's here there's a 205 00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:25,720 Speaker 1: big update. But like I think it's like if if 206 00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:29,960 Speaker 1: everything else is working well and you feel that this 207 00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:31,839 Speaker 1: is the only thing standing in the way of a 208 00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:36,440 Speaker 1: happy marriage and you want to make it work. You 209 00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:40,240 Speaker 1: could just pay out of your own pocket for the 210 00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:45,040 Speaker 1: maid surface it is. It does feel like a red 211 00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:49,800 Speaker 1: flag though, that he's not willing to like listen to you. Yeah, 212 00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:52,880 Speaker 1: surprised that this wouldn't show up in other ways in 213 00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:53,679 Speaker 1: the relationship. 214 00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:56,559 Speaker 3: You know, it's kind of like what you you It's 215 00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:58,280 Speaker 3: kind of like your comment when they said they've been 216 00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:00,720 Speaker 3: having this fight almost every single week for the ten years. 217 00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:03,280 Speaker 3: It's like it sounds like someone's not listening, Like is 218 00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:08,360 Speaker 3: he actually like observing and acknowledging, Like, Yo, you're putting 219 00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:10,280 Speaker 3: in like all of this work. 220 00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:12,840 Speaker 2: It doesn't seem like that to me. 221 00:11:13,559 --> 00:11:17,120 Speaker 1: Yeah, I think, yeah, it's just like, you know, how 222 00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:19,080 Speaker 1: much do you like if everything else is good and 223 00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:22,560 Speaker 1: you really value the relationship, but he's for some reason 224 00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:25,360 Speaker 1: just not budging on this, Like maybe just get the 225 00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:29,920 Speaker 1: maid service yourself if you can afford it. But this 226 00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:33,800 Speaker 1: also just feels like it feels indicative of a larger 227 00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:36,640 Speaker 1: relationship issue, Like if you're not able to work through this, 228 00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:38,559 Speaker 1: then there's like there might be something wrong. 229 00:11:38,679 --> 00:11:41,360 Speaker 3: Yeah, Like if they use the cleaning service to pun 230 00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:44,440 Speaker 3: intended sweep it under the rug. Would something like this 231 00:11:44,559 --> 00:11:45,720 Speaker 3: not pop up elsewhere? 232 00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:48,720 Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, I don't know. The only one way to 233 00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:50,960 Speaker 1: try like test it, like see test it, you know, 234 00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:52,600 Speaker 1: get it? Get it once a week or whatever, once 235 00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:56,480 Speaker 1: every two weeks. Update. We thought about it. I ended 236 00:11:56,559 --> 00:11:59,480 Speaker 1: up ugly crying, partially out of frustration and partially because 237 00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:02,000 Speaker 1: I'd been since four forty five with the youngest. I 238 00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:04,679 Speaker 1: told him that it was about lint on the washer 239 00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:06,520 Speaker 1: and used toilet rolls on the sink, but not really. 240 00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:08,600 Speaker 1: I said that I felt like he didn't listen nor 241 00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:11,319 Speaker 1: care to try. We apologize, wrap me up in a duvet, 242 00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:13,520 Speaker 1: and left me to nap while he took over housework 243 00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:15,920 Speaker 1: in kids. He is really sweet and does try. It's 244 00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:17,520 Speaker 1: been nice to have a day off, but I'm still 245 00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:20,160 Speaker 1: skeptical because this isn't the first time I've gotten to 246 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:22,600 Speaker 1: a point of walking away or being really upset, and 247 00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:25,080 Speaker 1: he is extra nice for a while, only to go 248 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:27,400 Speaker 1: right back to being his old self in a few days. 249 00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:30,040 Speaker 1: I guess we'll see. And here's another update. Where to 250 00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:33,400 Speaker 1: even begin? Thanks cool? First, I want to thank everyone 251 00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:35,680 Speaker 1: who chimed in. It really helped me feel validated in 252 00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:38,480 Speaker 1: my frustration and processes. So after the meltdown the day 253 00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:41,280 Speaker 1: of the last post, he did as promised and took 254 00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:43,839 Speaker 1: over the housework in kids for the day. However, as 255 00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:45,840 Speaker 1: I feared, by the next day he had returned to 256 00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:49,720 Speaker 1: his old dismisstic chauvinistic self. He did zero housework. Yeah, 257 00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:51,319 Speaker 1: that's actually a good point. It might be like a 258 00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:53,880 Speaker 1: whole like there. I think among like an older generation, 259 00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:57,840 Speaker 1: it's like, oh, housework, that's a womanly duty, you know. Yeah, 260 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:02,400 Speaker 1: there might be a little sex at play. He did 261 00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:04,560 Speaker 1: zero housework for the rest of the week, and picking 262 00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:06,920 Speaker 1: up the slack ended up putting me in a position 263 00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:11,000 Speaker 1: of unpreparedness for a very important test due tomorrow. This 264 00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:13,640 Speaker 1: is his usual mo. He puts an effort for just 265 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,880 Speaker 1: long enough to make me think he has changed, then 266 00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:18,800 Speaker 1: he reverts. Starting Sunday, I reminded him frequently that I 267 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:21,040 Speaker 1: needed time to study it to math test, and it's hard. 268 00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:23,640 Speaker 1: So my plan was to study two hours per day 269 00:13:23,679 --> 00:13:26,040 Speaker 1: and be prepared by Friday. This meant he would need 270 00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:28,880 Speaker 1: to pick up at least a little slack, giving baths, 271 00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:31,600 Speaker 1: reading bedtime stories, et cetera. So I could focus, except 272 00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:33,439 Speaker 1: it didn't happen, so I ended up using the time 273 00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:35,600 Speaker 1: when heeded study to cook, clean and do laundry. Now 274 00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:37,480 Speaker 1: it's late on the eve of the test and I've 275 00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:40,800 Speaker 1: had all of one hour of study time. I'm exhausted, 276 00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:44,599 Speaker 1: and I can't even fathom practicing proportions or quadratic equations 277 00:13:44,679 --> 00:13:46,839 Speaker 1: right now. I broke down on a frustration and told 278 00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:49,439 Speaker 1: him I couldn't handle anymore. I run my business, bust 279 00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:52,280 Speaker 1: my button school, and keep everything running. It's a major 280 00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:55,079 Speaker 1: unfair burden, and I'm tired of trying to make him care. 281 00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:57,040 Speaker 1: I asked him how it was that he could treat 282 00:13:57,080 --> 00:14:00,520 Speaker 1: his female coworkers as equals and not extend that same 283 00:14:00,559 --> 00:14:02,800 Speaker 1: respect to me. He admitted to being a hypocrite and 284 00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:06,600 Speaker 1: stormed off to play video games. Right now, I'm contemplating 285 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:09,880 Speaker 1: taking incompletes for the semester so I can focus on 286 00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:12,920 Speaker 1: my business and weather a messy divorce from a giant 287 00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:17,679 Speaker 1: man baby. Relevant comments, so there's some a little bit 288 00:14:17,679 --> 00:14:19,880 Speaker 1: more answers and the course. I'm just gonna run through 289 00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:23,440 Speaker 1: this and then we can debrief. But random guid like 290 00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:25,880 Speaker 1: for a weekend, you will have pests overrunning your home 291 00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:28,680 Speaker 1: within a weekend if if you prioritize your studies over cleaning, 292 00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:31,240 Speaker 1: and your husband would happily allow your home to be 293 00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:34,040 Speaker 1: overrun with pests. Ope, he replied, because of the way 294 00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:36,240 Speaker 1: my courses are structured, I have to study both some 295 00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:39,360 Speaker 1: weeknights and on weekends. Yes, the home we bought is 296 00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:42,800 Speaker 1: a century home being renovated in neighborhood where roaches move 297 00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:45,880 Speaker 1: in very quickly, certain species of outdoors, but coming at 298 00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:47,880 Speaker 1: night if they smell food, and unless you live in 299 00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:51,040 Speaker 1: a vacuum sealed bubble, they find ways in, even through 300 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:54,200 Speaker 1: water pipes. Those are thumb size ones that jump and fly. 301 00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:57,680 Speaker 1: We've managed thus far to avoid indoor dwelling varieties like 302 00:14:57,760 --> 00:15:01,200 Speaker 1: German roaches through keeping counters and dish's clean keeping laundry 303 00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:03,680 Speaker 1: off the floor and taking the trash out every night. 304 00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:08,160 Speaker 1: So that's basically the context. That's where we stand. John, 305 00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:12,120 Speaker 1: What do you think is this divorce worthy? 306 00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:14,440 Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, I know we got a lot of 307 00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:16,720 Speaker 3: people always wanted to do the divorce champ very early, 308 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:19,240 Speaker 3: but this is ten years in like, and I feel 309 00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:22,800 Speaker 3: like Ope is going through so much trying to get 310 00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:25,120 Speaker 3: her degree and build her business and all this stuff 311 00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:28,040 Speaker 3: and just like exactly GOPI said, he'll do it for 312 00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:31,480 Speaker 3: a few days just to kind of, yeah, get her 313 00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:33,920 Speaker 3: off his back and then go right back to those 314 00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:34,480 Speaker 3: old ways. 315 00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:37,480 Speaker 2: It's just spewing disrespect all over it. 316 00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:41,280 Speaker 1: To me, yeah, I definitely spews disrespect at the same time, 317 00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:44,720 Speaker 1: it feels small, but it's like that's the thing about 318 00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:47,800 Speaker 1: a small thing that you just don't address in a marriage, 319 00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:49,960 Speaker 1: is if you just don't address it, it becomes a 320 00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:51,840 Speaker 1: big thing. And like, yes, it's like, oh, you're not 321 00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:54,600 Speaker 1: you know, taking the toilet paper away, or not taking 322 00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:57,760 Speaker 1: the lint away, you're not helping with the kids, like 323 00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:01,400 Speaker 1: all very small things. But I think what you said 324 00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:04,440 Speaker 1: is correct. It's like it's a pattern of disregard and 325 00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:13,760 Speaker 1: disrespect that it seems like he just is unconcerned with addressing. Yeah, 326 00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:15,840 Speaker 1: but it does suck that it feels it does feel 327 00:16:15,880 --> 00:16:18,600 Speaker 1: like it's like small, but it's big at the same time, 328 00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:18,840 Speaker 1: you know. 329 00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:22,080 Speaker 3: Yeah, it's it's like if it was just the just 330 00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:24,920 Speaker 3: the cleaning, it also maybe would be okay for like 331 00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:27,600 Speaker 3: maybe a month a few months, but like once it 332 00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:30,200 Speaker 3: gets past that point, it's like she's also having to 333 00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:33,880 Speaker 3: live in it, and like cleaning it that to me 334 00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:37,680 Speaker 3: over years, like even the disrespect part aside, that to 335 00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:40,080 Speaker 3: me is like I do not want to continue, Like 336 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:40,360 Speaker 3: you know. 337 00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:44,800 Speaker 1: Stries, She's given enough chances and you know, a lot. 338 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:49,320 Speaker 1: Maybe maybe instead of going straight to divorce, try a 339 00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:53,040 Speaker 1: separation initially, because like the divorce could be super Yeah, 340 00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:56,960 Speaker 1: Like I feel like a separation might accomplish some of 341 00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:01,160 Speaker 1: what you need and then worse next. But I don't 342 00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:04,720 Speaker 1: know that again, maybe maybe maybe you know now, maybe 343 00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:07,840 Speaker 1: you know exactly what you want, But I would love 344 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,760 Speaker 1: to know if you guys think of this as a 345 00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:14,760 Speaker 1: divorce worthy if your partner was consistently and constantly just 346 00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:18,120 Speaker 1: not clean, is it something you would accept or would 347 00:17:18,119 --> 00:17:20,440 Speaker 1: you divorce over it? And it's like the other thing 348 00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:22,760 Speaker 1: is I think you have to know what you're marrying too, 349 00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:27,399 Speaker 1: Like is this has he just always been this way? 350 00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:32,639 Speaker 1: And like some people are just messy, like they just 351 00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:37,840 Speaker 1: don't think about it and and nothing you can do 352 00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:42,560 Speaker 1: can make them change that. And like that's something you 353 00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:44,679 Speaker 1: have to consider if you're okay with like getting married 354 00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:45,320 Speaker 1: to that person. 355 00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:47,720 Speaker 3: You know, it sounds silly on the surface, but it's 356 00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:52,440 Speaker 3: actually like you're living with this person you're living with part. 357 00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:55,560 Speaker 1: Of it, and so like, this might not be a 358 00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:58,240 Speaker 1: deal breaker for everyone. You know, some people might just 359 00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:01,159 Speaker 1: be like, hey, so many other qua, but super messy, 360 00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:03,160 Speaker 1: I'm just gonna have to deal with it. So it's 361 00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:04,680 Speaker 1: just really like would you deal with it? But I 362 00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:07,360 Speaker 1: would love to know would you deal with this husband 363 00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:09,879 Speaker 1: if this guy was super messy? And also, do you 364 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,640 Speaker 1: have a messy partner? How have you dealt with having 365 00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:16,360 Speaker 1: messy partners? Put your answers in the comments below. We'd 366 00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:16,800 Speaker 1: love to hear it. 367 00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:17,760 Speaker 2: See on the next one.