Speaker 1: Hey everyone, Daisy light it here. The Daily Show is
Speaker 1: on break for the holidays, but in the meantime we
Speaker 1: put together some special highlights for you.
Speaker 2: We'll be back in the new year on January seventh
Speaker 2: with all new episodes.
Speaker 3: We are officially in the dog days of summer, which
Speaker 3: means I can finally bust out my slipping slide. It
Speaker 3: used to belong to the kid next door, but it
Speaker 3: turns out a lot.
Speaker 1: Of kids stuff you can just walk up and take.
Speaker 3: But this summer it's so hot you can't even make
Speaker 3: it down the slide without your not sticking to the
Speaker 3: nyl It's.
Speaker 4: Been one of the hottest summers on record across the US,
Speaker 4: relentless heat waves smashing records in the Northeast. Monday was
Speaker 4: the hottest day ever recorded on Earth. The previous record,
Speaker 4: which was set on Sunday, only lasted twenty four hours.
Speaker 3: This hot, really, really hot, the hottest day ever recorded
Speaker 3: on Earth.
Speaker 1: Suck on that, dinosaurs.
Speaker 3: We can destroy the planet ourselves. We don't need an
Speaker 3: asteroid like you pussies. Yes, this summer, the heat is
Speaker 3: kicking our ass more than usual. Last week it was
Speaker 3: so hot in New York that and I can't believe
Speaker 3: I'm gonna say this. I asked the hawk to a
Speaker 3: girl to hit me in the forehead. And this isn't
Speaker 3: just your class and keap wave that only kills some
Speaker 3: old people that no one cares about. The heat is
Speaker 3: so extreme it's causing shit that's never happened before.
Speaker 5: Blazing temperatures outdoors can wreak havoc inside airplanes. These soda
Speaker 5: cans all exploded on Southwest flights due to extreme heat exposure.
Speaker 5: The problem is widespread. Southwest Airlines has reported about twenty
Speaker 5: employees have been injured by exploding soda cans this summer alone.
Speaker 1: What the hell it's.
Speaker 3: So hot that our soda cans are joining Al Qaida.
Speaker 3: I don't want to die in a plane crash because
Speaker 3: of cherry coke. I want to die because the Boeing
Speaker 3: guys forgot to tighten the screws. This is a disaster.
Speaker 3: What happens if planes have to get rid of soda?
Speaker 3: What am I supposed to drink on a flight?
Speaker 1: Now? Whiskey? That another whiskey?
Speaker 3: What am I supposed to mix the whiskey with another whiskey?
Speaker 4: Now?
Speaker 1: I haven't had enough? You've had enough?
Speaker 3: This is clearly a reckoning, but I'm sure Ewans will
Speaker 3: take this as a sign the climate change is a
Speaker 3: serious threat and not a chance for an idiotic photo op.
Speaker 6: At Death Valley National Park, they actually embraced the heat,
Speaker 6: encouraging tourists to take pictures in front of the parks
Speaker 6: thermometer right now hovering around one one hundred and thirty degrees.
Speaker 1: You can definitely feel the heat on your skin. Honestly,
Speaker 1: it's definitely shocking.
Speaker 4: I don't know how anything can survive out here.
Speaker 3: Of course, nothing can survive in Death Valley.
Speaker 1: That's why they call it Death Valley. Guess what they
Speaker 1: sell it? Burger king, You idiot.
Speaker 3: Now, you think park rangers would be warning people about
Speaker 3: the deadly heat, but instead they're getting in on the fun.
Speaker 2: Park rangers have a tasty way to show you just
Speaker 2: how hot it is inside your car. So rangers at
Speaker 2: Sakuro National Park by Tucson made banana bread inside their car.
Speaker 1: Some other things you can make inside your car cookies.
Speaker 7: Eggs, and even stuffed bell peppers?
Speaker 1: Who stuffs the bell pepper?
Speaker 3: Yes, global warming means you can cook right in your
Speaker 3: car is great news for mine, who restaurant Lewis Flex, Hyundai, Sonata,
Speaker 3: Chimmy Chogas. The secret ingredient is wiper fluid so yes.
Speaker 3: As we've known for a while, every year, the Earth
Speaker 3: is getting hotter and hotter, like me and Paul Rudd,
Speaker 3: and that's why we need every single government body working
Speaker 3: to fix the product problem. Instead of jerking us around
Speaker 3: with elementary school science projects.
Speaker 7: The National Weather Service put on a colorful display of
Speaker 7: the record setting heat wave hitting Las Vegas.
Speaker 1: Check out this time lapse of.
Speaker 7: The extreme temps turning crayons into colored cream. This interesting
Speaker 7: experiment really puts in perspective just how hot it is
Speaker 7: out there.
Speaker 8: I feel like if you could just sort of freeze
Speaker 8: that and then, you know, you make a little bit
Speaker 8: of art.
Speaker 1: Out of it, I think so too.
Speaker 9: Yes, oh that's cool, but I mean really not cool.
Speaker 1: We're all gonna die.
Speaker 3: Thanks National Weather Surface. Now we all know what it
Speaker 3: would look like if a pack of Skittles got its period.
Speaker 3: So quick safety tip. Okay, if you're gonna leave your
Speaker 3: kid in a hot car, remember to grab the crayons first.
Speaker 3: It's hard to know whether to be more worried about
Speaker 3: the record heat or the record stupidity. But at least
Speaker 3: when the earth finally explodes, we'll be eating delicious dashboard
Speaker 3: banana bread along the way. Thomas Jefferson was right when
Speaker 3: he famously said presidential elections suck asss hell. I have
Speaker 3: to stay drunk from April to November.
Speaker 1: Just to get through it, which is two weeks, no
Speaker 1: longer than I'm normally drunk.
Speaker 3: But this election sucks extra ass because it might have
Speaker 3: huge consequences for our country, and it all comes down
Speaker 3: to turning out one crucial voting block, young people, sticky,
Speaker 3: disgusting young people. Now, it used to be that all
Speaker 3: you needed to turn out young voters was a beloved
Speaker 3: musing star threatening.
Speaker 1: To kill people. God, that was fun, wasn't it.
Speaker 3: Can you believe Pete Diddy turned out to be an
Speaker 3: alleged sexual abuser, and here I thought he was just
Speaker 3: a harmless murderer. But these days, if candidates want to
Speaker 3: reach young people, there's really only one way.
Speaker 1: Social media influences.
Speaker 7: From TikTok to Instagram online platforms are becoming a key
Speaker 7: tool for political campaigns.
Speaker 8: A lot of young people, not just political news, but
Speaker 8: a lot of people use YouTube and TikTok social media
Speaker 8: influencers to sending the Republican and Democratic National Conventions, both
Speaker 8: parties officially inviting and credentially hundreds of content creators to
Speaker 8: help draw eyeballs to their platforms and candidates.
Speaker 1: This is what it's come to.
Speaker 3: Our election rests with the same people trying to sell
Speaker 3: you diarrhea infused beauty cream. And if you're unfamiliar with
Speaker 3: the influencer culture, here's a quick peak. Move over Fredistaire, Captain.
Speaker 1: Freda lay Is in the building.
Speaker 3: In the old days, doing a karate kick at seven
Speaker 3: to eleven.
Speaker 1: Didn't make you a millionaire. It made you a mep
Speaker 1: head in Florida.
Speaker 3: But if the campaigns are focused on courting these influencers,
Speaker 3: surely you'd think they must be getting some primo content
Speaker 3: in return.
Speaker 1: Oh, I got.
Speaker 2: Dick down at the DNC, deep down at the DNC.
Speaker 4: Yeah, thank you.
Speaker 3: For having us.
Speaker 1: Thank you guys, it's been a real pleasure.
Speaker 3: Theater kids are losing their virginity at the DNC.
Speaker 1: Well there's hope for you yet, Cory Booker.
Speaker 3: By the way, if anyone got dick down at the DNC,
Speaker 3: it's Joe Biden.
Speaker 1: But don't worry Democrats.
Speaker 3: They're dipshit tiktoks for conservative students.
Speaker 1: Voting Donald Trump.
Speaker 3: Baby, WHOA what the was that? That video makes me
Speaker 3: pro gun just so I can deep throat one in
Speaker 3: the baptub and look, I appreciate shitty content just as
Speaker 3: much as the next person. I watched both seasons of
Speaker 3: Milf Manor and the behind the scenes feature ets. That
Speaker 3: doesn't mean I'm gonna let the MILFs tell me who
Speaker 3: to vote for, but his TikTok stars gained political clout.
Speaker 3: Both camps are now planning entire campaign stops around meeting them,
Speaker 3: Like when Trump and Logan Paul had this meeting.
Speaker 1: Of the mines and.
Speaker 3: Wow, that's the first time I've ever seen Donald Trump
Speaker 3: genuinely laugh.
Speaker 1: And all it took was the hilarity of staring down
Speaker 1: a roided up boy.
Speaker 3: Then there's Kamala's VP, Tim Walls, who went on the
Speaker 3: TikTok Show Subway Takes to have an earthshaking debate about gutters.
Speaker 1: So what's your take?
Speaker 3: My take as the most neglected part of home ownership
Speaker 3: is the gutters.
Speaker 1: It's personal for me, I've had problems with gutters.
Speaker 3: Before you get your basement wet, you get ash dams
Speaker 3: cause a lot of problems.
Speaker 1: Where do you buy gutters the down spots? I bought
Speaker 1: him in Arch, say big money, evanor oh good? A
Speaker 1: video for No.
Speaker 4: One.
Speaker 3: Candidates skip and tire states during the campaign, but subway
Speaker 3: takes gets a sit down interview.
Speaker 1: He wasn't even on the subway.
Speaker 3: I didn't see a single rat fist fighting a baby.
Speaker 1: Also quick tip for tim wolves.
Speaker 3: Young people don't give a shit about gutters because they
Speaker 3: don't own homes and they never will. So we know
Speaker 3: what the candidates are getting out of this civic excitement,
Speaker 3: hire voter turnout and free gutters from the yards. But
Speaker 3: what about the political influencers? What's in it for them?
Speaker 6: Twenty three year old Awa Sana made a name for
Speaker 6: herself dispensing beauty tips on TikTok.
Speaker 8: Sanay says she was hired by Protect our Care, a
Speaker 8: progressive advocacy group.
Speaker 1: What's your rate?
Speaker 8: So a video just for a creator in my size
Speaker 8: an average can go from three thousand dollars to ten
Speaker 8: thousand dollars depending and upwards.
Speaker 3: Ten thousand dollars and all you have to do is
Speaker 3: sack her five ship dignity time to get paid. Hey, guys,
Speaker 3: it's Louie b I'm an influencer. Now, I got dick
Speaker 3: down at the RNC. I got dick down at the DNC.
Speaker 3: Now pay our past holes, Ronnie, shoot me. I hope
Speaker 3: you've all registered to vote, because, like Matt Gates at
Speaker 3: a high school dance, the election is ominously approaching. I
Speaker 3: for one, I for one am excited. With twenty one
Speaker 3: days to go.
Speaker 1: We still have no idea who the is gonna win.
Speaker 3: And that's all thanks to one berry special group of morons.
Speaker 8: With twenty one days until election days, the race of
Speaker 8: the White House, it is getting tighter, and the candidates
Speaker 8: are putting a laser focus on undecided voters.
Speaker 7: Undecided voters in battleground states could decide at all.
Speaker 5: That small sliver of undecided voters they're gonna make or
Speaker 5: break this election.
Speaker 3: Oh yes, undecided voters the same people you see at
Speaker 3: the ice cream shop asking for twelve mini spoon samples.
Speaker 3: It's a three dollar cone, asshole. How is anyone still
Speaker 3: undecided in this election? At this point, choosing a candidate.
Speaker 1: Should be easy.
Speaker 3: Look, it's like a lube salesman deciding if he should
Speaker 3: swing by P Diddy's house. He has all the information
Speaker 3: he needs, But after almost two years of campaigning, this
Speaker 3: election still comes down to winning over a few dozen
Speaker 3: Pennsylvanians with carbon monoxide poisoning.
Speaker 1: Now, don't get me wrong.
Speaker 3: Maybe these undecided voters aren't stupid.
Speaker 1: Maybe they have a good reason for being idiots.
Speaker 3: Has anyone asked them what the hang up is?
Speaker 1: I just haven't. I haven't seen enough of it yet.
Speaker 10: I need to pay closer attention and kind of do
Speaker 10: more independent research.
Speaker 1: I just need to do my own research.
Speaker 10: I'd have to do more research.
Speaker 3: God, they all have the same hair.
Speaker 1: Go ahead, do your own research.
Speaker 3: Hopefully the library will let you huff paint inside.
Speaker 1: What are you researching exactly?
Speaker 3: We've known these candidates forever, one of them who spent
Speaker 3: the past four years as vice president and the other
Speaker 3: who's spent the past forty years as the worst person
Speaker 3: in America? What is left for you to learn about them?
Speaker 3: How they load a dishwasher? But I still have hope
Speaker 3: that some of you undecided voters will eventually make a choice.
Speaker 3: Something has to force your hand.
Speaker 7: We've just learned that Taylor Swift has endorsed Kamala Harris.
Speaker 1: Okay, well, then, will you vote for Kamala Harris because
Speaker 1: of Taylor Swift's endorsement? Anybody you would? Yeah, Julian Ewent, I'll.
Speaker 8: Have a musician.
Speaker 1: I mean, yeah, you're a musician. You have to. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna send it back to you guys in the CEO.
Speaker 3: Well, even the reporter is like, can I please go
Speaker 3: cover a mass shooting?
Speaker 1: This is depressing.
Speaker 3: Forget the economy or abortion or immigration. He wants to
Speaker 3: vote with his fellow musicians. Don't tell him about kid
Speaker 3: Rock or his head will explode and there will be
Speaker 3: nothing everywhere. I for one, am grateful for all these
Speaker 3: focused groups of undecided voters. They give us insight into
Speaker 3: the complex minds of America's most powerful people.
Speaker 10: Well, it is very important that we have expertise when
Speaker 10: making these decisions and policy right, and so him bringing
Speaker 10: the specifics to say that we need the expertise making
Speaker 10: these decisions. I believe that was very important.
Speaker 3: Uh See, even that vampire magician agrees expertise matters, and
Speaker 3: he should know. He's voted in the last thousand elections.
Speaker 1: And for his.
Speaker 3: Final trick, he made my hope for gen Z disappear.
Speaker 3: But the good news is we don't have to listen
Speaker 3: to these idiots at all, because there's still another option.
Speaker 1: I don't know, it's still can change, there's still some
Speaker 1: time left.
Speaker 7: You never know, hope.
Speaker 4: So if I don't have a decision, yeah, I probably
Speaker 4: just won't vote.
Speaker 1: Finally, someone talking sense.
Speaker 3: I'm tired of my vote being canceled out by someone
Speaker 3: who's IQ score only makes sense in celsius. So for
Speaker 3: all you undecided voters, I have a special message.
Speaker 4: Hi.
Speaker 3: I'm Lewis Black, beloved comedian really and the only Daily
Speaker 3: Show employee works less than John Stewart. I want to
Speaker 3: talk to you today about democracy. It's a big responsibility,
Speaker 3: a sacred rite, and maybe not for everyone because if
Speaker 3: you're waiting for a Kardashian to tell you who to
Speaker 3: vote for, go ahead and sit this one out. Sure
Speaker 3: people have fought and died for your right to vote,
Speaker 3: But when those guys were lifting the flag over Iwujima,
Speaker 3: they weren't saying, come on, fellas, let's do this so
Speaker 3: someday a guy can fill out a ballot so the
Speaker 3: bubbles make the shape of a penis. If you're undecided
Speaker 3: come election day.
Speaker 1: Do the right thing.
Speaker 3: Don't get out the vote set out the vote and
Speaker 3: just focus on picking out that ice cream? Might I
Speaker 3: recommend Rocky Road Yung. It's already been a month since
Speaker 3: the election. I guess time flies when I'm not ripping
Speaker 3: out what's left in my pubes. Since Trump's victory, half
Speaker 3: the country is excited and the other half is.
Speaker 1: Still at home in the fetal position.
Speaker 7: Me.
Speaker 3: I'm coping by shutting off the news for a while
Speaker 3: and watching something a little cozier like who killed.
Speaker 1: John Benet Ramsey? Baby?
Speaker 3: It's cold outside and so is this case.
Speaker 1: But for those.
Speaker 3: Democrats able to leave the house, this is what they're doing.
Speaker 9: An art installation on the walls of a Fourteenth Street
Speaker 9: subway stop is encouraging people to put their thoughts on
Speaker 9: post it notes. It invites everyone to leave their feelings
Speaker 9: about this week's presidential election.
Speaker 6: But things like I'm so scared, but I love this
Speaker 6: life more than I fear darkness.
Speaker 1: What the is this?
Speaker 3: Call me old fashioned, but if you have a breakdown
Speaker 3: on the subway, you're supposed to jump in front of it.
Speaker 3: Subway walls are for only two things, mysterious piss stains
Speaker 3: and ads for shen Yuni. Sure it's a cult but
Speaker 3: those concubine sure can boogie, and who are these people
Speaker 3: writing their deepest feelings on a train platform. The only
Speaker 3: Subway thoughts I have are is that guy shitting?
Speaker 1: And why am I being stabbed? In that order?
Speaker 3: But if writing postage is a little too subtle, you
Speaker 3: can react to the election loss the American way.
Speaker 1: Violence. Rage rooms are seen a spike in business since
Speaker 1: the election.
Speaker 3: It's a place where you can go in smash plates
Speaker 3: and televisions, anything else you can find let off steam.
Speaker 1: In fact, any immediate days after the election, they say the.
Speaker 6: Number of reservations have tripled, a unique way to smash
Speaker 6: away that stress.
Speaker 3: Look out, everyone, the Libs are pissed and they're coming
Speaker 3: for Grandma's fine China. Democrats can't even get mad correctly,
Speaker 3: Conservative storm the capitol. Meanwhile, Democrats are like, are these
Speaker 3: crowbars ethically sourced? When shit gets bad, you don't smash
Speaker 3: things like a toddler.
Speaker 1: You let it eat away.
Speaker 3: It's you from the inside, like a big boy with
Speaker 3: stretch related hemorrhoids, which reminds me this segment is brought
Speaker 3: to you by preparation, A preparation.
Speaker 1: H I'm old, I'm angry, and I'd like some free preparation. A.
Speaker 3: But if you'd like to be sad without getting a
Speaker 3: shard of glass and your retina, you could always venture
Speaker 3: outdoors and get in touch with your inner coyote.
Speaker 6: Liberal women are holding what they call primal scream events
Speaker 6: to release their fury, screeching at the top of their
Speaker 6: lungs at Lake Michigan.
Speaker 1: Okay, let me get this straight.
Speaker 3: Plan A for the Democrats was to vote, and Plan
Speaker 3: B is to scare the puck out of Sturgeon. I
Speaker 3: don't know about you, but I'm wiggling optimistic about twenty
Speaker 3: twenty eight. Trust me, screaming doesn't change anything. I've been
Speaker 3: doing it for forty years and I'm still at the
Speaker 3: same That's God, I've wasted my life. But if screaming
Speaker 3: beside a lake doesn't cure your election blues, maybe riding
Speaker 3: on a boat will.
Speaker 4: And at the presidential elections make you want to jump
Speaker 4: ship from America for a little while. Well, Billa Vie
Speaker 4: Residences is a cruise line that actually lets you take
Speaker 4: a long term dwelling aboard its Odyssey ship. Now there's
Speaker 4: a one year escape from the reality or a two
Speaker 4: year midterm selection and if your election hangover is just really,
Speaker 4: really bad, well, there's a three year everywhere but home
Speaker 4: and a four year skip forward offshit.
Speaker 1: Ooh, a four year cruise. Sign me up.
Speaker 3: What better cure for an election hangover than half a
Speaker 3: decade of pinacoladas and freeze dried scallops. Trump's gonna slash
Speaker 3: Medicaid just in time for me to get super herpes
Speaker 3: from a Swiss widow.
Speaker 1: Now that every.
Speaker 3: Country in the world can see that liberals are terrified,
Speaker 3: the smart ones are cashing in.
Speaker 1: Well.
Speaker 5: A small Italian village is offering cheap homes to Americans who.
Speaker 1: Want to leave the US.
Speaker 9: Yeah, so, the town of olol has moved in ready
Speaker 9: homes for up to ten thousand bucks, homes that need
Speaker 9: a little TLC.
Speaker 1: They're available for just over a dollar.
Speaker 10: Village officials hope this will revive it after its population decline.
Speaker 3: Oh great, an Italian village whose population disappeared. That doesn't
Speaker 3: sound ominous at all. I'm happy to buy a man
Speaker 3: abandoned home and find out what disemboweled all the cattle.
Speaker 3: Listen America, maybe, but that doesn't mean I'm moving into
Speaker 3: Luigi's haunted mansion. Bus plus America already has a creepy
Speaker 3: Italian shithole.
Speaker 1: It's called New Jersey.
Speaker 3: Fow not what I expected, but Hey, if you're willing
Speaker 3: to spend good money to avoid these next four years,
Speaker 3: I'm willing.
Speaker 1: To take it to you. Okay, take it from you.
Speaker 3: That's why I'm offering a product of my own uh huh.
Speaker 3: I call it the Forever Sleepy Time brick huh. Just
Speaker 3: shackle it to your foot and find the nearest body
Speaker 3: of water. Screaming optional.