WEBVTT - The Divorce Coach 0:00:01.920 --> 0:00:05.359 Wind Down with Jane Kramer and I Heart Radio Podcast. 0:00:06.200 --> 0:00:09.520 All Right, hey guys, um, welcome back to another episode. 0:00:09.880 --> 0:00:13.400 So I, um, I kind of just really want to 0:00:13.440 --> 0:00:17.120 jump in with my guest today because obviously I'm kind 0:00:17.160 --> 0:00:19.400 of having all the fields right now and I had 0:00:19.440 --> 0:00:22.800 this um uh, It's been kind of great because I've 0:00:22.800 --> 0:00:26.360 relied on so many of of y'all for you know, 0:00:27.560 --> 0:00:30.880 just inspiration and quotes and posting things about strength and 0:00:30.960 --> 0:00:33.600 moving on. And one of the d ms that I 0:00:33.640 --> 0:00:37.040 got was about this girl named Michelle Dempsey. Um, she's 0:00:37.159 --> 0:00:39.319 and someone basically said, like, you need to check out 0:00:39.360 --> 0:00:42.280 her book. It's it's called Moms Moving On. And I 0:00:42.400 --> 0:00:46.960 just started to stalk her naturally on Instagram, and I 0:00:47.120 --> 0:00:50.159 just I really truly love her story and everything that 0:00:50.360 --> 0:00:52.440 you know that she is. And so I just honestly 0:00:52.479 --> 0:00:55.040 just want to get her on right now and just 0:00:55.160 --> 0:00:57.480 kind of dive into it because there's no better person 0:00:57.520 --> 0:00:59.959 to talk to than someone that has been in that situation. 0:01:00.040 --> 0:01:02.600 So let's get Michelle on and let's have a conversation. 0:01:03.480 --> 0:01:08.479 I'm here, hey girl, Hi, Okay. So, because so I 0:01:08.520 --> 0:01:10.840 was just kind of filling in the listeners and just 0:01:10.920 --> 0:01:13.480 for a second, about I've had so many people reach 0:01:13.520 --> 0:01:15.200 out to me about like, oh, follow this person, like 0:01:15.240 --> 0:01:17.800 this person is great at this or you know, um, 0:01:17.840 --> 0:01:21.280 you know, read this person's book. And one of the 0:01:21.319 --> 0:01:25.240 direct messages I got was about you and so I know, 0:01:25.440 --> 0:01:27.959 so they're like, you should look into this girl named 0:01:28.000 --> 0:01:30.200 Michelle and she's all about you know, mom's moving on. 0:01:30.240 --> 0:01:32.240 She went through a divorce, and so I started to 0:01:32.280 --> 0:01:34.720 stock you on Instagram and was like, I need to 0:01:34.720 --> 0:01:37.679 have her on my podcast because you know, obviously everything 0:01:37.720 --> 0:01:42.839 just went um finalized the divorce a few weeks ago, 0:01:42.880 --> 0:01:45.360 and I just there's no better time now to kind 0:01:45.400 --> 0:01:47.840 of pick myself up and have this conversation with someone 0:01:47.880 --> 0:01:51.120 that's been through it and can hopefully help guide not 0:01:51.160 --> 0:01:53.639 only me, but everyone else that's going through a breakup 0:01:53.760 --> 0:01:57.240 or situation from you know, from that needs to keep 0:01:57.280 --> 0:01:59.240 moving on. So, Michelle, can you just give me a 0:01:59.280 --> 0:02:04.520 little snippet of your story so I can catch up. Yes, Well, 0:02:04.520 --> 0:02:06.560 first I just want to say thank you for stalking me, 0:02:06.640 --> 0:02:10.640 because all of my followers were sending me articles and 0:02:10.639 --> 0:02:12.399 they were like, you have to talk to her. You'll 0:02:12.400 --> 0:02:14.680 make her feel so much better. Get her on your podcast. 0:02:14.720 --> 0:02:16.840 And I'm like I don't. I'm not going to swoop 0:02:16.880 --> 0:02:19.560 in and be like, congrats your divorce, let's chat. So 0:02:19.639 --> 0:02:22.080 I'm glad you reached out to me, But yeah, I 0:02:22.280 --> 0:02:25.280 um somehow ended up a divorce coach. I'm a certified 0:02:25.320 --> 0:02:28.280 divorce specialist. I was writing for a whole bunch of 0:02:28.360 --> 0:02:31.200 Mommy publications as a blogger when I got divorced and 0:02:31.280 --> 0:02:34.760 my daughter was too, and I had had already been 0:02:34.760 --> 0:02:38.160 growing my social media, so people were watching and reading 0:02:38.560 --> 0:02:40.680 and I'm like, you know what, I have to be 0:02:40.760 --> 0:02:43.880 authentic and nobody was like out there talking about divorce 0:02:43.960 --> 0:02:47.320 yet on Instagram. So I started to and and Scary 0:02:47.360 --> 0:02:49.720 Mommy and some of the other publications that I write 0:02:49.720 --> 0:02:53.640 for were really welcoming and open about me changing my 0:02:53.800 --> 0:02:57.000 content to what it's like to co parent a little 0:02:57.080 --> 0:02:59.480 kid and how much it sucks to be a single 0:02:59.520 --> 0:03:03.560 mom at thirty three years old. And um, with that, 0:03:03.760 --> 0:03:07.280 my my following grew. And as my following grew, I 0:03:07.320 --> 0:03:11.320 realized people really needed answers to questions that a year 0:03:11.320 --> 0:03:13.400 and a half ago I didn't feel comfortable answering. So 0:03:13.440 --> 0:03:15.440 I started my podcast so I could bring in other 0:03:15.520 --> 0:03:18.799 experts and I literally just take all the questions in 0:03:18.880 --> 0:03:21.160 my d m s and find experts that can answer 0:03:21.200 --> 0:03:23.000 them and I and I bring them on and we 0:03:23.080 --> 0:03:25.320 have great discussions that have been really helpful for people. 0:03:25.360 --> 0:03:28.440 And then people started to reach out about hiring me. 0:03:28.880 --> 0:03:31.280 So I got certified as a coach and a divorce 0:03:31.360 --> 0:03:34.639 specialist so that I can work with women primarily who 0:03:34.639 --> 0:03:37.400 are looking for the strength to leave and kind of 0:03:37.440 --> 0:03:39.640 need that final push and a little bit of a strategy, 0:03:40.000 --> 0:03:42.440 and women who are adjusting to co parenting, because there's 0:03:42.600 --> 0:03:44.320 no harder thing in the world, as I'm sure you 0:03:44.360 --> 0:03:47.280 already know. Um. And then I got a book deal 0:03:47.320 --> 0:03:50.600 with Simon and Schuster. Not like it. It didn't just 0:03:50.680 --> 0:03:52.360 land in my lap. I'm gonna start that over. I 0:03:52.440 --> 0:03:55.200 wanted to write a book. I worked my ass off 0:03:55.240 --> 0:03:57.200 for about six months until I got a book deal 0:03:57.240 --> 0:04:00.280 from Simon and Schuster. So the book comes out later 0:04:00.320 --> 0:04:02.880 this year, and it's really like what to expect when 0:04:02.880 --> 0:04:06.160 you're expecting, but for divorcing moms who are just like, 0:04:06.400 --> 0:04:09.760 how did I end up here? And why? I mean, 0:04:10.160 --> 0:04:14.760 for that's I'm so thankful that you are doing this 0:04:14.840 --> 0:04:17.039 because there are so many people and it's shocking to 0:04:17.080 --> 0:04:20.560 me to like in my Instagram, the d m s, 0:04:20.640 --> 0:04:22.520 it's the amount of people that were like, how did 0:04:22.520 --> 0:04:24.479 you get the courage to leave? And it breaks my 0:04:24.520 --> 0:04:28.159 heart because I'm like, that's of my messages is like 0:04:28.200 --> 0:04:30.040 how did you get the courage? I don't know how 0:04:30.040 --> 0:04:32.200 to leave? And I'm like and it makes me just 0:04:32.200 --> 0:04:35.000 want to cry because I'm like, I was that girl, 0:04:35.240 --> 0:04:37.440 you know, and now it's like there's all these women 0:04:37.480 --> 0:04:41.000 that are just so unhappy and they want hope, so 0:04:41.040 --> 0:04:43.200 they're trying, but then they're just like when they come 0:04:43.240 --> 0:04:44.680 to the end of their road and it's just like 0:04:45.839 --> 0:04:48.400 I'm tired, you know, of of fighting for it, and 0:04:48.440 --> 0:04:50.760 they're depressed and they don't know how and then you 0:04:50.760 --> 0:04:52.880 know a lot of them are like, well, financially, I 0:04:52.920 --> 0:04:54.320 don't know how to get out, and then they just 0:04:54.360 --> 0:04:57.119 feel stuck. So what do you say to those people 0:04:57.120 --> 0:04:59.799 that are going through that kind of challenge? I always 0:05:00.040 --> 0:05:01.760 if I had a dollar for everyone who asked me 0:05:01.800 --> 0:05:04.320 that question like it, I'd be, you know, floating in 0:05:04.360 --> 0:05:07.000 the South of France somewhere. But the truth is, there's 0:05:07.000 --> 0:05:10.039 no one size fits all model like to answer that, 0:05:10.480 --> 0:05:13.839 I think, and everyone hates to hear this because they're like, no, 0:05:13.920 --> 0:05:16.039 I need more than that answer. But I had somebody 0:05:16.080 --> 0:05:19.600 on last year Tanya Zucker brought from F Factor, and 0:05:19.720 --> 0:05:21.680 she talked about what it was like to be in 0:05:21.680 --> 0:05:26.440 a really like loveless, almost emotionally abusive marriage, and it 0:05:26.600 --> 0:05:32.360 came down to spending endless years crying and thinking and 0:05:32.760 --> 0:05:35.760 analyzing and strategizing, how am I going to be okay? 0:05:35.800 --> 0:05:37.400 How my daughter is going to be okay? What are 0:05:37.400 --> 0:05:39.520 we going to do for money? Until you come to 0:05:39.600 --> 0:05:42.400 that moment where it's like one last fight or one 0:05:42.520 --> 0:05:47.600 last text from some woman or one last whatever, and 0:05:47.600 --> 0:05:50.040 you're like that's it. You have this awakening and you're like, 0:05:50.400 --> 0:05:52.520 I'm going to go now because if I don't go now, 0:05:52.920 --> 0:05:55.680 my soul will die and I'll probably die along with it. 0:05:55.760 --> 0:05:58.560 And it's just it's one of those moments that you 0:05:58.600 --> 0:06:00.760 can't describe and I hate to say it, but when 0:06:00.760 --> 0:06:03.000 you know, you know, and as I'm sure you came 0:06:03.040 --> 0:06:05.880 to a point where you were like, I've done everything 0:06:05.920 --> 0:06:09.440 I can do. I've tried the counseling, I've cried, I've begged, 0:06:09.560 --> 0:06:12.279 I've pleaded, and I just can't do it anymore. But 0:06:12.400 --> 0:06:15.599 I always say, you can be as done as you 0:06:15.680 --> 0:06:19.800 want to be. But I never suggest leaving without counseling 0:06:20.040 --> 0:06:23.200 for two reasons. Women tend to carry a lot of 0:06:23.240 --> 0:06:27.000 guilt after divorce, and I feel like going to counseling 0:06:27.279 --> 0:06:30.360 is where you're going to say, all right, now I've 0:06:30.400 --> 0:06:34.159 officially tried everything. We've come to counseling, and also where 0:06:34.160 --> 0:06:37.160 your counselor will say, yeah, it seems you, guys are 0:06:37.160 --> 0:06:38.520 at the end of the road, and you'll get that 0:06:38.600 --> 0:06:41.560 validation that you need. So my advice is always you 0:06:41.560 --> 0:06:43.119 don't want to lay your head down on your pillow 0:06:43.120 --> 0:06:45.599 at night without knowing you've tried everything you can try, 0:06:45.839 --> 0:06:49.159 just because of that mommy guilt that creeps in um. 0:06:49.200 --> 0:06:50.800 But when you feel it, you have to honor it 0:06:50.960 --> 0:06:54.120 and and not overthink it and just kind of go. 0:06:55.000 --> 0:06:58.520 And I think that's that for me was even hard 0:06:58.560 --> 0:07:00.760 because for me, I always was like, Okay, if I 0:07:00.800 --> 0:07:03.760 have that smoking gun, then i'll leave again. Then then 0:07:03.800 --> 0:07:07.279 I'll go. And it's like, you know, I think it 0:07:07.360 --> 0:07:09.640 was hard for my friends too, because it's like, Okay, 0:07:09.680 --> 0:07:11.560 you got your smoking gun, why aren't you leaving? And 0:07:11.600 --> 0:07:13.760 I'm like, guys, this is not easy, Like this is 0:07:13.800 --> 0:07:16.360 not like what I like, even though I know I 0:07:16.440 --> 0:07:19.400 need to like, it still was like the hardest thing 0:07:19.440 --> 0:07:21.520 I ever had to do, you know. And I was like, 0:07:22.760 --> 0:07:25.119 I think that's even when you have your aha moment, 0:07:25.200 --> 0:07:29.080 like you have no choice, it's still like this. I 0:07:29.080 --> 0:07:30.920 think that's like where the punch hits me, is like 0:07:30.960 --> 0:07:34.840 the the reality of like And I think that's where 0:07:34.840 --> 0:07:36.280 why it was so hard for me, you know, a 0:07:36.320 --> 0:07:38.040 week ago when it all got finalized, It's like I 0:07:38.120 --> 0:07:39.400 knew it was coming. I knew it was going to 0:07:39.480 --> 0:07:40.720 be on this day, and I knew it was gonna 0:07:40.720 --> 0:07:41.760 be a really hard day, and I knew I had 0:07:41.800 --> 0:07:43.920 to show up to work and film and you know, 0:07:44.400 --> 0:07:47.440 feel it and then you know, hold it, push, push 0:07:47.480 --> 0:07:49.240 it all back in. But it was that moment where 0:07:49.240 --> 0:07:54.120 it's like the finality of like the reality that was like, well, 0:07:54.160 --> 0:07:57.040 what what we what? I didn't want ever, I wouldn't 0:07:57.040 --> 0:07:59.720 have spend thousands of dollars in therapy and and tried 0:07:59.800 --> 0:08:02.360 and and you know, has spent sleepless nights and all 0:08:02.360 --> 0:08:03.760 the tears and all the like, you know, all the 0:08:03.760 --> 0:08:07.200 trying and all the to to end up here, but 0:08:07.320 --> 0:08:09.840 you ended up here. And that's something I always say, 0:08:09.840 --> 0:08:12.480 like nobody wants to be I remember walking out of 0:08:12.520 --> 0:08:15.760 divorce court four and a half years ago. I'm just like, 0:08:16.200 --> 0:08:18.680 I'm like, what in the health for me? It brought 0:08:18.760 --> 0:08:20.360 up a lot of child to trauma because I'm a 0:08:20.440 --> 0:08:23.080 child of divorce and I swore, I swore I would 0:08:23.080 --> 0:08:25.360 never get divorced and never get married because I never 0:08:25.400 --> 0:08:27.560 wanted to get divorced. Then here I am walking out 0:08:27.560 --> 0:08:30.360 a divorce court by myself. It was like nine oh 0:08:30.360 --> 0:08:33.880 five on a Tuesday morning, and I'm like, huh, Like, 0:08:34.000 --> 0:08:36.000 what do you know? Life just came full circle and 0:08:36.040 --> 0:08:37.480 it was a punch in the gut. As much as 0:08:37.480 --> 0:08:39.840 I knew I had no choice but to be in 0:08:39.840 --> 0:08:44.920 this situation. And I think, you know, accepting what what 0:08:45.080 --> 0:08:48.680 it means to emotionally entire yourself from somebody that hurts 0:08:48.679 --> 0:08:53.520 you will help empower you through the decision. Like you know, 0:08:53.600 --> 0:08:56.199 the fact that you could come to work on the 0:08:56.280 --> 0:08:59.160 day that you got divorced and and just put a 0:08:59.160 --> 0:09:01.160 happy face on and through the day. I want to 0:09:01.160 --> 0:09:03.200 say a large part of that is the drive you 0:09:03.240 --> 0:09:07.200 have because you're a mom and you're gonna make me 0:09:07.280 --> 0:09:12.120 cry stop. Okay. It's a very, very very like, I 0:09:12.200 --> 0:09:15.920 struggle so much with co parenting, Janna. I am in 0:09:15.960 --> 0:09:18.480 between therapy appointments for my daughter right now. We're having 0:09:18.480 --> 0:09:21.680 a very hard time. But it all comes back to 0:09:23.480 --> 0:09:26.200 what I wanted her to grow up seeing in terms 0:09:26.240 --> 0:09:29.640 of a relationship and how how a woman should be 0:09:29.679 --> 0:09:34.760 treated and never have her think that emotional abuse or 0:09:35.320 --> 0:09:37.840 cheating or any of that stuff is okay. And I 0:09:37.880 --> 0:09:39.840 think that's what it comes down to for every woman 0:09:39.840 --> 0:09:43.840 who finally has to leave. Yeah. Yeah, and I and 0:09:43.880 --> 0:09:46.720 I and what this story that you know, we always 0:09:46.760 --> 0:09:48.840 wanted to tell was like, well, look how we overcame it. 0:09:48.880 --> 0:09:50.839 And so now it's like now I have to read 0:09:50.960 --> 0:09:52.760 kind of train my brain of Okay, now this is 0:09:53.120 --> 0:09:55.640 the new story that I have to know tell her. 0:09:55.679 --> 0:09:58.840 But yeah, I mean, it's it's interesting that something you 0:09:58.840 --> 0:10:01.880 said to about the guilt, because there's still I mean, 0:10:01.880 --> 0:10:04.760 I woke up today I had just a immense amount 0:10:04.760 --> 0:10:07.160 of anxiety, like, well, if I would have maybe been 0:10:07.200 --> 0:10:09.040 a little less naggy, or maybe if I would have 0:10:09.040 --> 0:10:11.080 been a little less controlling or like and then I 0:10:11.080 --> 0:10:14.600 start to put that on me, like what and there 0:10:14.640 --> 0:10:16.480 are things, of course that we can all be better 0:10:16.520 --> 0:10:18.240 and do better, And there's a million things that I 0:10:18.280 --> 0:10:22.079 wish I could go back and and do different things, 0:10:22.160 --> 0:10:24.280 but I still know the end resull like we don't 0:10:24.320 --> 0:10:28.000 deserve certain things that happened, um, no matter what. But 0:10:28.120 --> 0:10:30.360 still it's just how do you how do you let 0:10:30.400 --> 0:10:33.000 go of those things so you don't just drag yourself 0:10:33.000 --> 0:10:34.640 because I'm like, I want to be happy, you know, 0:10:34.679 --> 0:10:36.920 and I just feel like I'm I'm being like held 0:10:36.960 --> 0:10:41.480 down from the what IF's and the like oh no, 0:10:41.640 --> 0:10:44.280 like and then and also like I think there's the 0:10:44.360 --> 0:10:48.559 moments to have, you know, the anger still comes into 0:10:48.600 --> 0:10:51.640 of the reality. Like just like you said, yes, I've 0:10:51.640 --> 0:10:53.320 been married before, but I didn't want to, like and 0:10:53.360 --> 0:10:55.160 I always would leave to be like, well, I'm not 0:10:55.160 --> 0:10:57.360 having kids because I'm like, I'm again a product of divorce. 0:10:57.400 --> 0:10:59.079 I will not like this is not right. I need 0:10:59.120 --> 0:11:01.480 to because I will not have my kids being a 0:11:01.559 --> 0:11:04.160 doors house ever ever. And then I'm like here we are, 0:11:04.280 --> 0:11:07.360 what how did this happen? Right? You know? And some 0:11:07.400 --> 0:11:10.440 people say really stupid things sometimes like oh my god, 0:11:10.440 --> 0:11:12.240 you should have just left before you had kids, and 0:11:12.280 --> 0:11:15.520 I'm like, okay, well my daughter is my best friend, 0:11:15.600 --> 0:11:19.760 but thanks, um, yeah, I mean, look, nobody, nobody wants 0:11:19.800 --> 0:11:21.440 to be there, but that anxiety and that what if 0:11:21.480 --> 0:11:25.119 I actually posted about it this morning? How my anxiety 0:11:25.320 --> 0:11:28.200 just went into full on overdrive and I started having 0:11:28.200 --> 0:11:32.679 like obsessive compulsive issues, like ruminating thoughts that were horrible 0:11:32.679 --> 0:11:34.640 about like what might happen to my daughter when is 0:11:34.679 --> 0:11:36.680 not with me? I was like over the top and 0:11:36.720 --> 0:11:39.240 I had to really tackle my anxiety at that point. 0:11:39.320 --> 0:11:41.680 But I think it comes down to realizing that like 0:11:42.360 --> 0:11:45.199 if you were less naggy, he wouldn't have had less 0:11:45.240 --> 0:11:48.640 of an issue. If you were less something, if your 0:11:48.640 --> 0:11:51.680 boobs were bigger, if you were more perfect. Like that's 0:11:51.720 --> 0:11:55.079 a degree of infidelity is that it very often has 0:11:55.160 --> 0:11:58.800 nothing to do with us at all. You know, when 0:11:59.440 --> 0:12:02.319 when a woman and cheats, it's because she feels neglected. 0:12:02.480 --> 0:12:06.800 When a man cheats, it's because he's got issues and 0:12:06.920 --> 0:12:09.280 it's nothing more than that. And it's like searching for 0:12:09.320 --> 0:12:12.120 this sense of loss that they felt at some point 0:12:12.120 --> 0:12:14.400 in their lives and it you know, look at Jlo 0:12:14.480 --> 0:12:17.120 and a Rod it's like, you're really, dude, you're gonna 0:12:17.200 --> 0:12:21.040 cheat on JL. Like it never has anything to do 0:12:21.080 --> 0:12:23.480 with the person, So you could have been everything or nothing, 0:12:24.000 --> 0:12:25.640 and it's still would have happened. And I think that's 0:12:25.679 --> 0:12:28.640 what women have to realize, is that marriages don't fall 0:12:28.679 --> 0:12:32.040 apart because of one or two things that they might 0:12:32.040 --> 0:12:34.440 not have done right. It's a lot of stuff that 0:12:34.480 --> 0:12:37.120 people carry when they're coming into marriages that tend to 0:12:37.120 --> 0:12:41.040 get exacerbated. And men are never really the ones to 0:12:41.120 --> 0:12:43.280 like seek the help for themselves. It's the women who 0:12:43.360 --> 0:12:45.559 do all this work, and so you know, to put 0:12:45.559 --> 0:12:48.680 that kind of pressure on yourself is just unfair to you, 0:12:49.440 --> 0:12:52.800 but also really natural. And the anger is natural, and 0:12:53.120 --> 0:12:56.079 the doubt and the insecurity and the anxiety, that's all 0:12:56.160 --> 0:12:58.280 It's all going to come in waves. And I always 0:12:58.280 --> 0:13:01.360 say it takes about a year after your divorce is 0:13:01.400 --> 0:13:06.200 finalized for you to like really level out emotionally and 0:13:06.240 --> 0:13:08.959 start to see things almost with more gratitude for being 0:13:08.960 --> 0:13:11.760 in the situation that you're in now. And I hear 0:13:11.840 --> 0:13:14.520 you say that, and I'm like, Okay, I'm so excited 0:13:14.520 --> 0:13:16.120 for that day, But at the same time, like, how 0:13:16.160 --> 0:13:18.120 could I be grateful that my kids aren't with me 0:13:18.520 --> 0:13:20.480 every day and then I have to say goodbye to them? 0:13:20.520 --> 0:13:22.560 Like that's the part that I'm like those are my babies. 0:13:22.679 --> 0:13:24.800 Like I hate it. I hate it, but you know what, 0:13:25.600 --> 0:13:28.920 aside from having to co parent with somebody who makes 0:13:28.920 --> 0:13:34.240 co parenting difficult, I have. I have manifested exactly the 0:13:34.280 --> 0:13:36.800 life I feel that I always deserved. I went through 0:13:36.800 --> 0:13:38.800 a lot of trauma as a child. I kind of 0:13:38.880 --> 0:13:41.240 grew up telling myself the story that I wasn't worthy 0:13:41.280 --> 0:13:44.160 of a happy life or a happy marriage, that I 0:13:44.200 --> 0:13:46.160 would never have that you know, I'm not like other 0:13:46.200 --> 0:13:49.760 girls because I'm so damaged and broken, and I used 0:13:49.760 --> 0:13:51.840 my divorce as an opportunity to be like, well, fuck, 0:13:51.920 --> 0:13:53.680 I deserve that too, So what do I need to 0:13:53.720 --> 0:13:56.320 do to get that? And I started working on myself 0:13:56.360 --> 0:14:00.400 in ways that has really like, I feel like I 0:14:00.400 --> 0:14:02.280 couldn't have the life I have now had I not 0:14:02.360 --> 0:14:05.120 done all that work. So I chose to heal. And 0:14:05.559 --> 0:14:07.640 I always said like, I'm not done with love yet. 0:14:07.679 --> 0:14:09.520 I didn't have the love I deserved and I'm going 0:14:09.520 --> 0:14:12.240 to get that. And for me, that was really important. 0:14:12.400 --> 0:14:16.320 And I feel, you know, a year from now, a 0:14:16.400 --> 0:14:18.480 week from now, your life can change. You don't know 0:14:18.520 --> 0:14:21.080 what can happen in a year. And everybody writes me 0:14:21.120 --> 0:14:22.960 at the one year mark because I always say, you 0:14:22.960 --> 0:14:24.720 don't know what can happen in a year, and they're like, 0:14:25.080 --> 0:14:27.560 look what happened in a year, and that it's it's 0:14:27.600 --> 0:14:29.320 going to happen for everyone. And you're also going to 0:14:29.400 --> 0:14:33.840 find your comfort in co parenting, Like it took me 0:14:33.840 --> 0:14:35.880 about a year and then it was great. And then 0:14:35.960 --> 0:14:37.760 you know, now my daughter has some issues going to 0:14:37.840 --> 0:14:40.160 her dad's which is hard, but but it comes and 0:14:40.200 --> 0:14:42.720 goes in waves, and you learn to adapt your life 0:14:43.120 --> 0:14:44.800 to the time that you're with them and when you're 0:14:44.800 --> 0:14:48.080 not with them, Like you're going to enjoy parenting so 0:14:48.160 --> 0:14:50.280 much more because you're going to be that much more 0:14:50.320 --> 0:14:52.400 present when you have them, because you know what it 0:14:52.400 --> 0:14:54.360 feels like when you don't have them. And I truly 0:14:54.360 --> 0:14:56.760 think that's the best gift of motherhood and co parenting. 0:14:57.360 --> 0:15:00.040 And I will say to there's something like now it 0:15:00.120 --> 0:15:02.400 I don't have to carry the like when's the next 0:15:02.440 --> 0:15:04.280 you're gonna drop? Or is he really telling the truth? 0:15:04.400 --> 0:15:06.240 Or like is he cheating on me? It's like I'm 0:15:06.360 --> 0:15:09.120 so much happier around my kids now, Like I feel 0:15:09.160 --> 0:15:11.840 like I'm lighter with them, and it's it's that's been 0:15:11.880 --> 0:15:14.520 a gift to Oh my god, but that's but that's 0:15:14.520 --> 0:15:17.760 it right there. Like your children are children, nobody's children, 0:15:17.800 --> 0:15:19.960 anybody listening. They don't deserve to carry the weight of 0:15:20.000 --> 0:15:22.960 our emotions. And we often don't realize when we're in 0:15:22.960 --> 0:15:26.920 these really toxic marriages how much that tension rubs off 0:15:26.960 --> 0:15:29.040 on them, because it does, no matter how much we 0:15:29.080 --> 0:15:32.240 mean for it not to, it does. So that alone 0:15:32.560 --> 0:15:34.960 is a gift to your children. And when you're crying 0:15:35.200 --> 0:15:37.000 because your kids are not with you, you're going to 0:15:37.120 --> 0:15:41.720 remember that they deserve daddy by himself and mommy by 0:15:41.760 --> 0:15:56.560 herself instead of mommy and daddy unhappy together. How do 0:15:56.600 --> 0:16:01.360 you not be so angry with your X because of 0:16:01.440 --> 0:16:06.880 the choices that UM have now affected that reality and 0:16:06.880 --> 0:16:10.800 that dream that you wanted. I think you can be okay, 0:16:10.840 --> 0:16:14.400 you can be angry with your ex. There's um there's 0:16:14.840 --> 0:16:17.600 a psychologist in New York who came on my podcast 0:16:17.680 --> 0:16:22.200 and talked about righteous anger and like, you are righteously angry, 0:16:22.280 --> 0:16:23.920 Like you have a right to be angry. In the 0:16:23.960 --> 0:16:26.160 second you tell yourself, oh, I shouldn't be angry. Anger 0:16:26.200 --> 0:16:29.120 is a bad emotion. You're suppressing everything and it's only 0:16:29.120 --> 0:16:31.600 going to come out in other ways later on be angry. 0:16:31.800 --> 0:16:34.560 Like one of the best things I ever did was 0:16:34.720 --> 0:16:38.200 just starting to Instead of like having three drinks every night, 0:16:38.440 --> 0:16:40.920 I every morning would wake up and drag my ass 0:16:41.040 --> 0:16:43.800 to the gym and try different class every day just 0:16:43.840 --> 0:16:46.640 to keep myself. Instead of running on the treadmill, I've 0:16:46.720 --> 0:16:48.800 kicked box. As cliche as it was, it felt really 0:16:48.800 --> 0:16:53.160 good to hit something. I channeled my anger into, like physicality, 0:16:53.200 --> 0:16:58.080 and I think that that helps, you know. L Wood said, yes, 0:16:59.040 --> 0:17:02.520 happy people just un kill their husband's right exercise and doorphins, 0:17:02.920 --> 0:17:05.119 But it really works for me and I and I 0:17:05.160 --> 0:17:07.080 always tell women they have to find that thing where 0:17:07.119 --> 0:17:09.879 they they can use the anger and process it and 0:17:10.000 --> 0:17:13.119 like get it out, because if it stays inside, it 0:17:13.359 --> 0:17:16.040 turns into all sorts of ugliness. So I can't tell 0:17:16.080 --> 0:17:18.240 you how not to be angry, because you have to 0:17:18.280 --> 0:17:20.280 be angry. You have a right to. But there's like 0:17:20.320 --> 0:17:22.400 a time and a place, just like there's a time 0:17:22.400 --> 0:17:24.920 and a place for crying. You're not going to cry 0:17:24.960 --> 0:17:26.960 all day. You're not going to cry on set, You're 0:17:26.960 --> 0:17:28.480 not going to cry in the car with your kids. 0:17:28.480 --> 0:17:30.879 You're gonna wait till nighttime when it's like you're alone 0:17:30.880 --> 0:17:37.080 in bed, hyperventilating. Um. But it's just it's the same 0:17:37.119 --> 0:17:39.400 with anger. You almost have to say, Okay, I'm going 0:17:39.440 --> 0:17:41.360 to the gym, I'm gonna let it all out right here, 0:17:41.840 --> 0:17:44.120 or I'm going to the beach to sit by myself 0:17:44.119 --> 0:17:46.399 and I'm just gonna fucking rage for a few minutes. 0:17:46.760 --> 0:17:50.119 I think you need to have that entitlement to your 0:17:50.119 --> 0:17:52.800 anger and stop telling yourself it's so bad. Then how 0:17:52.800 --> 0:17:57.480 do you co parent with that anger? So I think 0:17:58.440 --> 0:18:01.919 what your ex husband needs to I don't know you 0:18:01.960 --> 0:18:06.160 know his side, but I'm hoping he's taking responsibility that like, 0:18:06.280 --> 0:18:10.000 you're in this situation because of him. And what you 0:18:10.040 --> 0:18:13.120 do when you have all those angry emotions in co parenting, 0:18:14.040 --> 0:18:16.080 is you really just limit contact to what needs to 0:18:16.080 --> 0:18:18.920 be said. You know, you do have to take a 0:18:18.960 --> 0:18:20.840 step back and realize that your children are lucky to 0:18:20.880 --> 0:18:22.480 have a dad in their lives. It would be much 0:18:22.480 --> 0:18:24.840 harder if he did what he did and then just 0:18:24.960 --> 0:18:29.919 bounced right. You have to separate your anger from the 0:18:29.920 --> 0:18:33.240 fact that he is entitled to be their dad. And 0:18:33.520 --> 0:18:35.159 you know, every time you want to pick up the 0:18:35.200 --> 0:18:37.840 phone and be like your mothercker if he's with the kids. 0:18:38.119 --> 0:18:40.399 Know that that's going to take not only time and 0:18:40.440 --> 0:18:42.880 attention away from the kids that he should be giving them, 0:18:42.920 --> 0:18:44.640 but it's also going to pull you into a hole 0:18:44.960 --> 0:18:46.800 when you should be using all of your energy at 0:18:46.800 --> 0:18:49.760 that time to keep things light for yourself because you 0:18:49.760 --> 0:18:53.080 don't have the kids. And I always say one of 0:18:53.119 --> 0:18:55.680 the best things, like when I get really, really really angry, 0:18:55.800 --> 0:18:59.280 is all right, like a raging email and not send it, 0:18:59.440 --> 0:19:02.159 Like I I have notes in my phone, I have 0:19:02.320 --> 0:19:06.320 emails in my drafts, because at least you're taking the 0:19:06.359 --> 0:19:09.000 thoughts and feelings and putting them somewhere they're not festering 0:19:09.040 --> 0:19:11.640 inside of you. But also know that sending it will 0:19:11.640 --> 0:19:14.280 get you nowhere, right, Yeah, I say, I'm going to 0:19:14.400 --> 0:19:16.520 have some in my notes as well, and also like, 0:19:17.200 --> 0:19:18.640 you know, my ex as a point to like when 0:19:18.640 --> 0:19:20.680 he's like, I don't have to listen to this anymore, 0:19:20.920 --> 0:19:22.960 you know, But at the part of the same in 0:19:23.080 --> 0:19:25.600 for me as I'm like, I go to that place 0:19:25.600 --> 0:19:27.359