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Speaker 1: Who's that man joking in my ease? He's Ron Burgundy.

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Speaker 1: I call myself Ron Burgundy. I'm famous, I own many clocks.

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Speaker 1: This is my podcast. You are listening to my podcasts

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Speaker 1: and you will be rewarded with great knowledge. I can't

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Speaker 1: confirm this, but I've heard it said, perhaps by me,

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Speaker 1: that you can earn a degree listening to my podcast.

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Speaker 1: That's what I heard from my source, my source that is,

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Speaker 1: perchance myself, a little source in my head. All I'm

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Speaker 1: saying is buckle up for learning here on the Run

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Speaker 1: Burgundy podcast. My friend Carolina has been by my side

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Speaker 1: the whole time, from my very first podcast, which we

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Speaker 1: did seventeen years ago, I believe, and and she's learned

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Speaker 1: ever so much listening to me talk. Say a few

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Speaker 1: words so people know I'm not lying. How have you been? Oh,

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Speaker 1: don't ask. Okay, never mind, I'm not gonna ask. My

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Speaker 1: car got stolen with a with a lot of merchandise

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Speaker 1: still in it. Are you serious? I'm so sorry. Well,

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Speaker 1: the car will turn out, it always does. But there

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Speaker 1: was a lot of merchandise. What kind of merchandise can't

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Speaker 1: be specific, but mainly leather goods, women's accessories, for her

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Speaker 1: and his pleasure leather accessories, brand name luxury items. I

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Speaker 1: was planning to move, you know the game. Anyway, the

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Speaker 1: thieves picked the perfect time of day, which leads me

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Speaker 1: to believe they knew my business. They knew I was

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Speaker 1: transporting a full shipment of merchandise. They waited until I

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Speaker 1: left my car alone with the merchandise in it. I

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Speaker 1: went into my favorite watering hole, and as long as

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Speaker 1: it takes to throw back two or three midday cocktails,

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Speaker 1: that was all the time they need TOD to jack

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Speaker 1: my car. Did you call the police? I don't want

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Speaker 1: to get the police involved. If if you get my drift. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: once the merchandise hits the market, I'll be able to

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Speaker 1: track down the thieves and then, plain and simple, it's

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Speaker 1: hospital time. What are you talking about. You live in

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Speaker 1: a fantasy world, Carolina. It's not all fuzzy socks and

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Speaker 1: banana cream pies. God, I'd love to be as naive

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Speaker 1: as you. It would be glorious. What joy? What ease? No,

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Speaker 1: When you're a grown man, sometimes you have to to

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Speaker 1: get down in the gutter where it smells like cheese

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Speaker 1: and urine. Take care of business, TCB. I'll leave it

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Speaker 1: at that. Suffice it to say, the car, the merchandise

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Speaker 1: will come back to me. For now, it's a mystery. Well,

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Speaker 1: I'm sorry to hear it. I really am. Oh I

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Speaker 1: don't mind at all. I like good mystery, which brings

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Speaker 1: us to today's podcast. Today, on the podcast, I'm going

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Speaker 1: to treat my listeners to a very special Roun Burgundy mystery.

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Speaker 1: Oh that actually sounds like a lot of fun. Oh,

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Speaker 1: it will be a lot of fun. I've taken the

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Speaker 1: time to write up an old fashioned radio mystery, something

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Speaker 1: I've I've always wanted to do. It will give us

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Speaker 1: both a chance to do some play acting and it

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Speaker 1: should be a real nail biter. Radio mysteries were a

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Speaker 1: big thing in the Burgundy household growing up. Really, when

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Speaker 1: did you grow up then? Like the heavens No, but

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Speaker 1: but remember I grew up very poor, with none of

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Speaker 1: the advantages you've had. I didn't have a tube of

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Speaker 1: chocolate ice cream running into my mouth all day long

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Speaker 1: the way you did, Carolina. I didn't have your dry

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Speaker 1: skin problem either. Oh, we could afford growing up was

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Speaker 1: an old phil Co radio. Really, I don't I don't

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Speaker 1: think that's true. Well, I could be lying. I do

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Speaker 1: a lot of lying. You know, you know that it's

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Speaker 1: it's good for the circulation of all doctors. Will it

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Speaker 1: that a few lies a day will contribute to good

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Speaker 1: heart health? You've heard that right? I haven't. No, it

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Speaker 1: gets you excited, nervous. Will my wife discover my secret letters?

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Speaker 1: Will the I R S find out my podcast is

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Speaker 1: a front for money laundering? I mean, the medical community

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Speaker 1: is divided and more research needs to be done, but

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Speaker 1: it's basically been proven true lying is nice on the body.

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Speaker 1: It's proven. Jesus, which woman? What are you? I mean

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Speaker 1: you're catching every one of my lives today. I'm lying

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Speaker 1: with great power and authority, and it's no match for

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Speaker 1: your witchy powers. I give up. I just want to

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Speaker 1: do a radio mystery our Okay, yes, it sounds fun.

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Speaker 1: Let's do it. That's a spirit and without further ado

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Speaker 1: you mystery music is a queuing Do we hear it? Carolina?

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Speaker 1: Do you hear it? Is? It's good, it's mysterious, it's powerful,

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Speaker 1: it's in the pocket, it's in the pocket. It's okay, Okay.

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Speaker 1: My name is Round Burgundy. I walk a beat. The

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Speaker 1: city is my beat, in the night is my mistress.

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Speaker 1: She's a cold mistress, but one that I'll never escape,

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Speaker 1: not until the last criminal is put away for good

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Speaker 1: and the world can sleep without fear. They call me

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Speaker 1: ron Burgundy Emphysis. The ron Burgundy Mystery Ally did that

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Speaker 1: that was so hardcore? And then did the dramatic music.

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Speaker 1: Do you feel like it was good? It's effective? Yes?

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Speaker 1: Am I reading this? Spart do it? The ron Burgundy

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Speaker 1: Mystery Hour is brought to you by Mr Gravelly Stay

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Speaker 1: put hair Tonic. Gentlemen, have you ever been out with

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Speaker 1: your gal and noticed your hair flops around like laundry

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Speaker 1: in a windstorm. Well, Mr Gravelly's hair, stay put hair

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Speaker 1: Tonic will hold down even the whispy teir, worry not.

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Speaker 1: Your hair will stay put in a motor car on

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Speaker 1: the lake, or even high atop the windiest bluff. You'll

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Speaker 1: be safe everywhere with stay put hair, Mr Gravelly, Stay

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Speaker 1: put hair. Brother, Carol, you gotta put some ump into that, Carolina.

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Speaker 1: I worked hard on this, okay, sure right, And and

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Speaker 1: that little thing you read that's gonna pay for all

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Speaker 1: your American girl dolls. So I really need for you

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Speaker 1: to come through for me. Okay, I mean they taught

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Speaker 1: you acting at Colby College? Right? No, I didn't. I

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Speaker 1: didn't go to Colby College. Yeah, yes you did. No

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Speaker 1: go to Colgate. No? Did you go to Connecticut University

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Speaker 1: of Connecticut? No? I went to Sarah Lawrence in New York.

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Speaker 1: Did you go to Colorado? I know because I went

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Speaker 1: to Sarah Lawrence in New York. Are you sure you

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Speaker 1: didn't go to whatever it is? It's University of South

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Speaker 1: Carolina in Colombia? Is there? Did you go to Columbia University?

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Speaker 1: Can we move on? I swear you went to a

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Speaker 1: college that started with a seat. Are you sure Sarah

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Speaker 1: Lawrence isn't spelled with a sea like cedar? Are you

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Speaker 1: thinking that I went to a college that started with

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Speaker 1: a sea? Because my name is Carolina, that's what it

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Speaker 1: must be, all right. I was sitting in my downtown

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Speaker 1: office one night, legs up on the desk, enjoying a

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Speaker 1: rare moment of serenity and a glass of Scotch, when

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Speaker 1: my secretary, Carolina announced the arrival of a visitor in

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Speaker 1: the waiting room. Mr Burgundy, there's a boy out here

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Speaker 1: to see you. Oh that's better, Carolina, that's much better.

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Speaker 1: A boy. I didn't know any boys maybe it was

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Speaker 1: some college kid look going to beat a vice wrap. Well,

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Speaker 1: maybe it was a dog dressed as a boy. Whoever

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Speaker 1: it was, it was pretty late to be calling in

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Speaker 1: on Ron Burgundy, right, send him in, Carolina. When the

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Speaker 1: door opened, I was expecting to see a beautiful woman

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Speaker 1: with long, fluttering eyelashes and longer legs, but Carolina wasn't. Lying.

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Speaker 1: There before me was a small boy dressed in shorts

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Speaker 1: and a T shirt with a ball cap hiding half

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Speaker 1: his face in shadow. He fidgeted nervously with his baseball

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Speaker 1: glove and hand and untied sneakers. Then he spoke, Mr Burgundy,

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Speaker 1: my name is Timmy Jones and I need your help.

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Speaker 1: Holy sh Carolina, that was amazing. I'm not just saying it.

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Speaker 1: It's like there was a little boy here in the

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Speaker 1: studio with us. Bravo, Carolina. Okay, sorry, let's keep going.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god, Kobe taught you. Well, Okay, all right,

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Speaker 1: how could I help you? Small boy? I just gotta

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Speaker 1: find my dog, Mr Burgundy, Can you help me find

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Speaker 1: my dog? His name is Peanut Butter and he's the

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Speaker 1: best dog in the whole world. Wow, Carolina, I didn't

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Speaker 1: know you had this. Next level unbelievable acting. Wow, thank you, Gosh.

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Speaker 1: I like you more is Timmy Jones as yourself? Okay,

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Speaker 1: give me that line again. I need to up my game.

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Speaker 1: I just gotta find my dog. Mr Burgundy. Can you

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Speaker 1: help me find my dog? His name is Peanut Butter

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Speaker 1: and he's the best dog in the whole world. Well, Timmy,

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Speaker 1: I don't usually take on missing dog cases. What have

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Speaker 1: you got to pay me? I'm not cheap. I got

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Speaker 1: my allowance it's a dollar forty three, and I got

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Speaker 1: my bottle cap collection and two comic books. I couldn't

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Speaker 1: help finding little Timmy adorable. He had poured his pocket

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Speaker 1: change life savings out on my desk and a bag

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Speaker 1: of bottle caps his payment for my services. It was

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Speaker 1: hard to say no, but first I needed to be

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Speaker 1: straight with this boy. Let me ask you this, Timmy,

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Speaker 1: Are you prepared for the worst. Dog cases don't always

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Speaker 1: go the way we want them to, and I just

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Speaker 1: want to play it straight with you. What do you mean,

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Speaker 1: Mr Burgundy? Call me ron Timmy? Okay one, Nope, Nope,

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Speaker 1: that that sounded weird. To keep it formal, here's the deal, Timmy.

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Speaker 1: Most dogs that go missing in this town are usually

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Speaker 1: eaten either by other dogs or birds, or they're shot

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Speaker 1: in the head and sold to steakhouses. I don't believe it. Well,

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Speaker 1: maybe not the bird part, but I've eaten dog at

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Speaker 1: a steakhouse before. Chancellor's Steakhouse over on Whitby Street had

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Speaker 1: a dog steak on the menu for years before they

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Speaker 1: had to start calling it mock steak, so you can

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Speaker 1: believe it. A lot of dogs are killed for sport.

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Speaker 1: Maybe your dog, peanut Butter was just shot and crawled

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Speaker 1: off down a sewer drain to die. Huh do you

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Speaker 1: think that's what happened, buddy, little boy? But I saw

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Speaker 1: them I saw them wrong. Two men in a gray

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Speaker 1: van pulled up outside my house and snatched peanut Butter. Oh,

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Speaker 1: Peanut Butter. Well, well, well, okay, okay, don't cry a

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Speaker 1: little boy. Stop Carolina, Stop Timmy, I'll find your dog.

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Speaker 1: But what did I say about calling me wrong? It's

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Speaker 1: Mr Burgundy? Okay, okay, thanks Mr Burgundy. Side note, I

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Speaker 1: could have only dreamed I'd get a reading like this. Carolina.

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Speaker 1: You are a natural things. I feel like I'm kind

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Speaker 1: of getting into the character, and believe me, you are.

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Speaker 1: I can feel the heat coming off your performance. Thank you.

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Speaker 1: Timmy is as real to me as I imagined him.

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Speaker 1: It doesn't even sound like you. You've got a gray

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Speaker 1: instrument there, lady. Okay, don't abuse it. Okay, wait, where

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Speaker 1: where were we? You took the case right? I put

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Speaker 1: Timmy's change in my pocket and stored the bottle caps

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Speaker 1: in my safe. I quickly showed him out of the

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Speaker 1: office so I could get down to business. If I

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Speaker 1: was going to find his dog, peanut Butter, I would

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Speaker 1: have to act fast. I grabbed Carolina and we headed

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Speaker 1: down to Chancellor's Steakhouse so I could talk to the proprietor,

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Speaker 1: Giuseppe Italiano. Ah, I missed that bag, Andy. What a

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Speaker 1: delight it is to see you. Look at will you

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Speaker 1: be having their mock steak at tonight? No, thanks you, seppy.

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Speaker 1: I'm here on official business. Oh oh, what kind of business.

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Speaker 1: I was wondering if you've seen this dog in your kitchen?

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Speaker 1: I showed him a picture of Peanut Butter. He looked

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Speaker 1: at it for a long time, and then he spoke, Oh, no,

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Speaker 1: you don't look are familiar to me, Mr Burgundy. I

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Speaker 1: think I would remember a dog like this. It's a

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Speaker 1: dog would make a fine misteak. Huh, I wonder if

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Speaker 1: I might talk to one of your dog suppliers, Mr Burgundy.

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Speaker 1: You I know I can't tell you who supplies my dogs. Wrong,

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Speaker 1: answered Giuseppe. Ah ah ah, you watch it right there

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Speaker 1: you go, gi Seppi, How does that feel? Here comes

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Speaker 1: one spicy meatball. Giuseppe. I moved in with an uppercut

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Speaker 1: to Geppi's bread basket, followed by a left cross. He

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Speaker 1: went down like a plate of delicious homemades. Begain. He

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Speaker 1: came back up at me with a right crust and

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Speaker 1: caught me off guard and sent me into a rapid dishes.

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Speaker 1: I quickly grabbed the lopster pocket and swung it at

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Speaker 1: that fat little Italian's face, but he was too swift.

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Speaker 1: He threw a cast iron enameled Dutch oven at me

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Speaker 1: a crusade or maybe a stop. But knowing Giuseppe, I

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Speaker 1: knew it wasn't a knockoff brand. No, no no, this was

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Speaker 1: a high quality enamel cast iron pot. It clonged off

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Speaker 1: my head like a buicless saber hitting a tuba player.

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Speaker 1: I was dizzy for a second, and that's when Carolina

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Speaker 1: jumped in with a quick kick to a nuts Then

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Speaker 1: she continued on not one or two, but repeated kicks

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Speaker 1: to Giuseppe's nutsack, until finally she put the Italian on

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Speaker 1: the ground for good. I drove home one more hard

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Speaker 1: leather shoe to his face, and that's when he cried.

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Speaker 1: Giuseppe got most of his dogs from a man named

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Speaker 1: Jorgan Poulter. Snatch, Carolina, and I jumped in my helicopter

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Speaker 1: and flew up to Redondo, each, California to pay this

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Speaker 1: Mr Poulter snatch a busy. You handled yourself pretty well

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Speaker 1: back there, Carolina, Thanks brawn. It's just when I was

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Speaker 1: a child, someone stole my dog, so I know how

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Speaker 1: little Timmy feels. Well where well, I can tell she

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Speaker 1: was pretty broken up all over this dog napping business.

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Speaker 1: The wonderful snowball fight we call life can look pretty

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Speaker 1: good until someone throws an ice ball at your face

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Speaker 1: and breaks your nose. Carolina was broken, but if I

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Speaker 1: knew her, she wasn't done yet. Well. Well, well, here,

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Speaker 1: a classy gentleman always carries a handkerchief. Go ahead, blow

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Speaker 1: your nose sidebar once again, Carolina. I would swear to God,

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Speaker 1: you are really crying, truly, amazing acting things. Truly. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's whatever. I am blown away. Gosh. We flew up

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Speaker 1: to Redondo Beach and I set the chopper down on

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Speaker 1: the old wharf. We knew that Jorgan Poulter snatch frequented

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Speaker 1: an old fisherman's bar called the Halliban House at the

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Speaker 1: end of Pier forty six. We were hoping to find

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Speaker 1: him there. There was a long walk down that pier. Gee,

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Speaker 1: sh Ron, it's a long walk to this old fisherman's bar.

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Speaker 1: I know, I know, I should have landed the helicopter

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00:17:16,359 --> 00:17:20,320
Speaker 1: right next to the bar, but I didn't how much further.

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Speaker 1: I don't usually wear eight inch spike heels, but I

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00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:26,679
Speaker 1: didn't think i'd be walking so far. It's just up

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Speaker 1: a ways at the end of the pier. I'll tell

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Speaker 1: you what, Let me whistle a little bit. That should

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00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:43,800
Speaker 1: take our minds off of all this walking. Is that

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Speaker 1: the bar over there? That's it? Maybe you should stay outside, Carolina.

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Speaker 1: This ain't no place for a lady, even a little

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Speaker 1: tart like you deserve some dignity. Hey, Ron, in real life,

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Speaker 1: talk about that later. It's just a line from a

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Speaker 1: radio play that you row, Ron. I'm going into the

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Speaker 1: bar now well, the Haliban House was all it was

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00:18:08,640 --> 00:18:12,120
Speaker 1: advertised to be a hard drinking gin mill for war

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00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:15,399
Speaker 1: frats and fishermen. We shoved our way through the rowdy

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Speaker 1: crowd and made our way to a man with a

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Speaker 1: Polynesian face stattoo. It's also the bartender. I got right

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Speaker 1: down to business. Hey, Barkie, I'm looking for a man

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Speaker 1: named Organ Poulter Klein Walter Snatch, Yes, Poulter Snatch. Have

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Speaker 1: you seen him here tonight? Organ, you don't come around

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Speaker 1: you unbelievable. You really lose yourself in these characters. It's

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Speaker 1: it's really nothing, and it's trust goodness camp just lovely

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Speaker 1: to watch. I don't know nothing about no Organ older Snatch.

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Speaker 1: I could tell the bartender was lying as he snuck

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Speaker 1: a peek to a door leading to a back room.

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00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:04,920
Speaker 1: Carolina and I headed towards the door. Hey, don't go

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Speaker 1: into that room back there. But it was too late.

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Speaker 1: We kicked in the door, and sitting at a table

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Speaker 1: with four other disreputable characters was none other than Jorgan

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Speaker 1: Polton Stein wrote this, hold it right there, Jorgan, don't

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Speaker 1: anyone move. Jorgan made a dash for the window. He

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00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:27,159
Speaker 1: snatched the glass and headed outside for the peak. The

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00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:29,760
Speaker 1: other rough guys went to work on Carolina, punching and

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Speaker 1: beating her sentence. But I could see she gave as

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Speaker 1: good as she got. I couldn't let Yorgan get away,

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00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:38,160
Speaker 1: so I took off running after him, and left Carolina

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Speaker 1: with the other to the earth those the chase was on.

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Speaker 1: Jorgan was fast and I was faster. I don't like

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Speaker 1: to brag, but I can run an eight six yard dash,

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00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:52,440
Speaker 1: which technically is the fastest time in the world. I've

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00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:55,240
Speaker 1: never run professionally, of course, I'm not interested in that.

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Speaker 1: The gold medals and the glory mean nothing to me.

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00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:03,040
Speaker 1: I'm a detective. We detectives are a rare breed. We

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00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:07,480
Speaker 1: live for justice and dames, Dames with long legs and

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00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:15,399
Speaker 1: a tall glass of Scotch, and loyalty and and what else. Um, yeah,

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00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:18,760
Speaker 1: it's not important, it's fine. I caught up to Jurgen

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00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:23,639
Speaker 1: and put my foot through his small butt hole that

293
00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:28,040
Speaker 1: stopped him dead in his tracks. Ya you hurt my bottle.

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00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:30,720
Speaker 1: I'll stick this foot up there further if you don't

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00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:33,400
Speaker 1: tell me what you did with this dog. I showed

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00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:38,320
Speaker 1: him the picture of Timmy's dog Peanut. Butter. Stop. Oh doc,

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00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:44,879
Speaker 1: my butt is hurting. Talk. Oh you really hurt my butt?

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Speaker 1: Can we move on from the butt thing. I'll hurt

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00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:50,919
Speaker 1: it a lot more if you don't start squawking. No,

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00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:54,119
Speaker 1: I think this is a powerful Okay, it's a lot

301
00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:57,840
Speaker 1: about his butt hole. Okay, okay, I'll stole the dog,

302
00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:01,520
Speaker 1: but I don't have it anymore. I was tired of

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00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:04,200
Speaker 1: using muscle on so I gave him a twenty dollar bill.

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Speaker 1: As you all know, I don't like violence. He was

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00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:10,800
Speaker 1: happy to have the twenty Now we talked freely, not

306
00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:13,919
Speaker 1: just about his dog stealing racket, but also his hopes

307
00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:18,120
Speaker 1: and dreams cancel culture maple syrup as a sweetener. Honestly,

308
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:20,080
Speaker 1: it felt good to be out there on that pier

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00:21:20,119 --> 00:21:22,640
Speaker 1: with another man I could be open with. I told

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Speaker 1: him about the rough time I was going through with

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Speaker 1: my wife, well not my wife, but my doctor's wife.

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00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:31,160
Speaker 1: I told him about my silly dreams of one day

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Speaker 1: owning and operating a forklift machine, and he confessed to

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00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:37,840
Speaker 1: me his desire to be a cabaret singer in far

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00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:41,399
Speaker 1: off Gay Perry. We talked for hours, Yorgan and I,

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00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:44,000
Speaker 1: and he finally told me what I wanted to know.

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00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:46,840
Speaker 1: He said he had sold peanut Butter through a dog

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Speaker 1: wrangler up in Los Angeles. Usually the dogs get used

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00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:54,399
Speaker 1: for the entertainment industry, like for movies and commercials, but

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00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:56,919
Speaker 1: some of the less trainable ones went to porn and

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Speaker 1: backyard fighting. Little peanut Butter seemed like, oh whimpy little fella,

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00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:03,440
Speaker 1: so I couldn't see him in the fight game. But

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00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:06,560
Speaker 1: who the heck knows? I once saw a chihuahua fight

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00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:09,640
Speaker 1: a grizzly baron win. Of course, that was back when

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00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:13,080
Speaker 1: dog on bear fights were legal and you could follow

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00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:16,320
Speaker 1: the fights on the radio. Anyway, I'm getting away from

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00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:21,159
Speaker 1: the mystery. Let's see. Oh yeah, so Jorgan snortle hum

328
00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:25,480
Speaker 1: I were now best friends and having a blast. That's

329
00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:29,200
Speaker 1: when Carolina limped over like some kind of pirate ogre

330
00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:32,280
Speaker 1: with a wooden leg. Can we be a little more generous?

331
00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:35,480
Speaker 1: She was holding a shotgun and she had been beaten

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00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:38,400
Speaker 1: up pretty bad. One of her eyes was hanging out

333
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:40,960
Speaker 1: of the socket like a tether ball. Jesus, but she

334
00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:43,960
Speaker 1: managed to grab a shotgun off of one of her attackers,

335
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:46,800
Speaker 1: and she put holes through all of them. The blood

336
00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:49,840
Speaker 1: ran like a river through the Haliban house, and now

337
00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:53,639
Speaker 1: standing before me, all savage looking and soaked in blood

338
00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:57,399
Speaker 1: and guts, was Carolina. She leveled the gun at Jorgan

339
00:22:57,520 --> 00:23:01,440
Speaker 1: Pelt and snuckle Snatch come on and sprayed his face

340
00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:06,320
Speaker 1: with lead. Organ dropped dead on the spot. I shouted,

341
00:23:21,359 --> 00:23:24,359
Speaker 1: but it was too late. The good part is I

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00:23:24,359 --> 00:23:27,399
Speaker 1: had the info I needed Carolina, and I hailed a

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00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:34,480
Speaker 1: cab and headed off into the night. The next morning,

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00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:39,240
Speaker 1: I reported my findings to little Timmy Jones. Then Timmy said, gosh,

345
00:23:39,359 --> 00:23:42,679
Speaker 1: Mr Burgundy, so you're saying my dog, peanut Butter was

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00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:46,440
Speaker 1: stolen by a man named Jorgen Bottle Snatch, and then

347
00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:50,040
Speaker 1: he sulded Carolina hit the name right, it's you wrote this.

348
00:23:50,119 --> 00:23:52,840
Speaker 1: It's Poulter Snatch. I know that. And then he sold

349
00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:56,720
Speaker 1: him to a dog pornography outfit. Well, there's a lot

350
00:23:56,760 --> 00:23:59,040
Speaker 1: of places your dog could end up, but porn is

351
00:23:59,119 --> 00:24:02,879
Speaker 1: definitely an Put it this way. A lot of dogs

352
00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:05,000
Speaker 1: get off the bus in Hollywood with hopes of making

353
00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:07,560
Speaker 1: it on the silver screen, but they end up hustling

354
00:24:07,560 --> 00:24:11,520
Speaker 1: for tricks and making two reelers for dog food. Not

355
00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:13,960
Speaker 1: saying that that's the only place little peanut Butter could

356
00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:16,920
Speaker 1: end up. But we have to consider the real possibility

357
00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:19,040
Speaker 1: that your dog will be forced into a life of

358
00:24:19,080 --> 00:24:22,560
Speaker 1: sex work. I mean, maybe some of it was willing

359
00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:25,400
Speaker 1: not trying to shame any sex workers, and I'm I'm

360
00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:28,119
Speaker 1: certainly not trying to shame any dogs that know a

361
00:24:28,119 --> 00:24:33,560
Speaker 1: few tricks. Anyway, Little buddy, now you know what happened

362
00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:37,960
Speaker 1: to your dog? Well, ain't you gonna rescue him? Mr Burgundy?

363
00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:40,720
Speaker 1: I don't know. Dogs that get into that line of

364
00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:44,080
Speaker 1: work aren't much good as house bets. Maybe get a

365
00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:51,920
Speaker 1: new dog, huh jee, Mr Burgundy. I loved peanut butter shot. Okay,

366
00:24:52,040 --> 00:24:54,800
Speaker 1: what have you got his payment? Buddy? I'm all out

367
00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:58,119
Speaker 1: of cash, but I got this old baseball cod my

368
00:24:58,320 --> 00:25:01,760
Speaker 1: grandfather gave me. I know it ain't worth much, but

369
00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:06,760
Speaker 1: maybe it's something he handed me in original nine two

370
00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:13,359
Speaker 1: tops Mickey Mantle rookie baseball card worth over five million dollars.

371
00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:16,160
Speaker 1: I had to play this one cool. My hands were

372
00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:21,680
Speaker 1: shaking when I said, uh, this whole thing, this thing

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00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:25,280
Speaker 1: ain't worth nothing. Gosh, look at the scratches on this thing.

374
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Speaker 1: Oh jee, Mr Burgundy. But just as he was about

375
00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:31,840
Speaker 1: to take it back, I pretended to be a good guy.

376
00:25:32,840 --> 00:25:35,880
Speaker 1: I'll tell you what, Timmy, I'll take this worthless card

377
00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:38,320
Speaker 1: that has no value and can't be traded in for

378
00:25:38,359 --> 00:25:40,959
Speaker 1: a lot of money because it's worthless, and I'll go

379
00:25:41,080 --> 00:25:46,520
Speaker 1: rescue your dog because you love him. Gee. Thanks, Mr Burgundy. Say,

380
00:25:46,560 --> 00:25:50,080
Speaker 1: did your grandfather give you any more baseball cards by

381
00:25:50,080 --> 00:25:53,800
Speaker 1: any chance? No, just that worthless one you've got in

382
00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:56,919
Speaker 1: your hands. He gave me some dumb old watch. Some

383
00:25:57,040 --> 00:26:02,240
Speaker 1: guy named Paul Newman owned here. Well, looky here a

384
00:26:02,440 --> 00:26:07,600
Speaker 1: Paul Newman Daytona Rolex watch. Yep, you're right, Timmy, this

385
00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:11,240
Speaker 1: sure is dumb and worthless. I'll take this and donate

386
00:26:11,280 --> 00:26:13,720
Speaker 1: it to charity in honor of your grandfather, and I'll

387
00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:17,280
Speaker 1: get you your dog back. Don't you worry. But but

388
00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:22,520
Speaker 1: I got nothing of value to give you. Heck, Timmy,

389
00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:25,280
Speaker 1: you've given me a restored sense of all that's right

390
00:26:25,359 --> 00:26:28,520
Speaker 1: and honorable in the world. I'll get the hell out

391
00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:33,359
Speaker 1: of my office. Carolina, Carolina, get in here at once.

392
00:26:33,640 --> 00:26:36,440
Speaker 1: What is it, Ron? That kid just handed me over

393
00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:39,840
Speaker 1: ten million dollars in collectibles like he was high on LSD.

394
00:26:40,359 --> 00:26:41,919
Speaker 1: We got to come up with his dog, or at

395
00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:44,560
Speaker 1: least a look alike to ensure he don't come snooping

396
00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:48,119
Speaker 1: around looking for this stuff again, Ron, taking advantage of

397
00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:51,040
Speaker 1: a little kid. How could you? You don't know for

398
00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:53,760
Speaker 1: sure he's a kid. The facts aren't in. He might

399
00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:56,400
Speaker 1: be a grown man and one of those kid costumes

400
00:26:56,400 --> 00:27:00,399
Speaker 1: you see these days. Ron Jrgans Said he's sold the

401
00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:02,800
Speaker 1: dog to a dog wrangler working out of a house

402
00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:06,520
Speaker 1: in Los Angeles. Get your ass kicking boots on, Carolina.

403
00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:09,159
Speaker 1: We're gonna go to Los Angeles and find that dog.

404
00:27:14,840 --> 00:27:18,720
Speaker 1: The ride up to Los Angeles was quiet, intense. Carolina

405
00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:21,359
Speaker 1: was still pretty sore at me for taking advantage of

406
00:27:21,400 --> 00:27:24,840
Speaker 1: little Timmy Jones. But the way I figured it, he

407
00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:29,240
Speaker 1: didn't know that rolex and the baseball card had any value.

408
00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:31,800
Speaker 1: He handed me the baseball card and said it was

409
00:27:31,840 --> 00:27:36,960
Speaker 1: worthless his loss my gain. That sucker was worth easily

410
00:27:37,080 --> 00:27:39,960
Speaker 1: five mill and I wasn't gonna stand by and let

411
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:43,480
Speaker 1: that kind of cabbage walk out the door. The Rolex

412
00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:46,160
Speaker 1: was an extra couple of million, and that was gonna

413
00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:48,080
Speaker 1: be tough to decide what I would do with it.

414
00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:50,760
Speaker 1: Do I wear it around to make sure everyone knows

415
00:27:50,800 --> 00:27:52,840
Speaker 1: I'm Ron Burgundy and I'm a huge deal, or do

416
00:27:52,920 --> 00:27:55,520
Speaker 1: I cash it in and get up with the best

417
00:27:55,600 --> 00:28:00,080
Speaker 1: deep sea fishing equipment money can buy. That and of

418
00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:02,720
Speaker 1: things plagued me on the drive up to Los Angeles,

419
00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:05,359
Speaker 1: so I I really couldn't care too much that Carolina

420
00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:08,600
Speaker 1: was on the rag. My heart is going to sue

421
00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:13,040
Speaker 1: you if you keep talking about me being on my period. Um,

422
00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:16,160
Speaker 1: do you think we'll find Timmy Jones's dog, Peanut Butter?

423
00:28:16,280 --> 00:28:19,960
Speaker 1: Ron hard to say, Carolina. The dog wrangling industry is

424
00:28:19,960 --> 00:28:24,440
Speaker 1: a nefarious and multi pronged operation. It's greasy tentacles reach

425
00:28:24,520 --> 00:28:27,720
Speaker 1: into every facet of our lives. Peanut Butter is well

426
00:28:27,760 --> 00:28:30,160
Speaker 1: on his way to being in that sordid world now,

427
00:28:30,200 --> 00:28:32,760
Speaker 1: and all we can hope for is we aren't too

428
00:28:32,800 --> 00:28:44,120
Speaker 1: late to save him. When we got to Los Angeles,

429
00:28:44,200 --> 00:28:46,720
Speaker 1: we drove over to where Jurgen said he dropped off

430
00:28:46,720 --> 00:28:49,800
Speaker 1: Peanut Butter. I set Carolina up with a fake idea,

431
00:28:49,880 --> 00:28:53,200
Speaker 1: claiming she worked for the National Dog Association, and gave

432
00:28:53,240 --> 00:28:56,040
Speaker 1: her a fake story to throw it. Whoever answered the door?

433
00:28:56,680 --> 00:29:05,400
Speaker 1: I watched carefully from the car as she approached. I

434
00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:09,320
Speaker 1: could see a small Mexican woman answer the door. Hello,

435
00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:13,280
Speaker 1: can I help you? My name's Trixie Smore. I'm from

436
00:29:13,280 --> 00:29:15,959
Speaker 1: the National Dog Association. We'd like to give you an

437
00:29:15,960 --> 00:29:19,560
Speaker 1: award for having the best dogs. My plan was working

438
00:29:19,640 --> 00:29:23,680
Speaker 1: like a charm. Carolina had completely fooled the woman at

439
00:29:23,680 --> 00:29:26,880
Speaker 1: the door. One second though, I want to get this right.

440
00:29:27,160 --> 00:29:29,680
Speaker 1: She's a she's a Mexican born woman. So give some

441
00:29:29,760 --> 00:29:33,280
Speaker 1: authentic Mexican sounding English when you do that. Okay, Carolina,

442
00:29:33,480 --> 00:29:37,080
Speaker 1: I'm not going to do that wrong. Wait, why it's wrong.

443
00:29:37,120 --> 00:29:40,040
Speaker 1: If you want someone authentic to play Carlita Valdez, then

444
00:29:40,080 --> 00:29:42,600
Speaker 1: you'll have to hire a Mexican American actress. I don't

445
00:29:42,600 --> 00:29:45,000
Speaker 1: know what you could just do the voice. We all

446
00:29:45,000 --> 00:29:47,400
Speaker 1: know how to speak like first generation Mexicans. It's it's

447
00:29:47,400 --> 00:29:54,080
Speaker 1: southern California for god me. Well, how about that Ron Burgundy?

448
00:29:54,120 --> 00:29:56,800
Speaker 1: They're racist? What what about what I played Giuseppe with

449
00:29:56,840 --> 00:30:01,880
Speaker 1: the Italian accident? Was that racist? Not great? No, I'm learning, Carolina.

450
00:30:01,960 --> 00:30:05,600
Speaker 1: The world is spinning faster than an LG High Efficiency

451
00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:09,200
Speaker 1: stackable front load washer with one touch easy Care Technology.

452
00:30:09,880 --> 00:30:14,040
Speaker 1: LG the best name for all your washing needs. See

453
00:30:14,040 --> 00:30:17,239
Speaker 1: how I I threw that in natural like it's a

454
00:30:17,320 --> 00:30:20,640
Speaker 1: lot of money under the table for advertising. Now it's

455
00:30:20,720 --> 00:30:23,360
Speaker 1: up to our subpart producers to go chase down that

456
00:30:23,400 --> 00:30:27,080
Speaker 1: money so we can get paid anyway. Carolina, I do

457
00:30:27,160 --> 00:30:30,200
Speaker 1: appreciate when you point out how the world is moving

458
00:30:30,240 --> 00:30:33,360
Speaker 1: on from our old habits and towards a brighter future.

459
00:30:33,560 --> 00:30:35,880
Speaker 1: I do think the world is changing for the better.

460
00:30:36,640 --> 00:30:40,680
Speaker 1: Not cars or clothing, or aftershave or stereo equipment or

461
00:30:40,760 --> 00:30:45,120
Speaker 1: scotch or grooming, but in every other way, the world

462
00:30:45,280 --> 00:30:48,600
Speaker 1: is changing for the better. I thank you, Carolina for

463
00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:52,680
Speaker 1: reminding me it's not my world, it's your world, and

464
00:30:52,720 --> 00:30:55,840
Speaker 1: it's a better place. Except for the clothing thing I mentioned.

465
00:30:56,040 --> 00:30:59,400
Speaker 1: And flooring. Flooring isn't what it used to be. Plush

466
00:30:59,480 --> 00:31:02,800
Speaker 1: carpeting is king when I was in my pride. Now

467
00:31:02,840 --> 00:31:06,040
Speaker 1: it's taken a backseat almost every other kind of flooring.

468
00:31:06,640 --> 00:31:09,360
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm getting off track here, far far

469
00:31:09,400 --> 00:31:11,840
Speaker 1: away from our story. Where where were we? I was

470
00:31:11,920 --> 00:31:14,720
Speaker 1: knocking on the front door of a suspected dog wrangler,

471
00:31:14,800 --> 00:31:17,800
Speaker 1: and a nice woman, you wrote as Carlita Valdez answered

472
00:31:17,840 --> 00:31:20,920
Speaker 1: the door. A great continue on. We'll just say her

473
00:31:21,040 --> 00:31:25,000
Speaker 1: name is woman number one. Back to the mystery. Hello,

474
00:31:25,080 --> 00:31:28,760
Speaker 1: how may I help you? My name is Trixie s'moret

475
00:31:28,840 --> 00:31:31,280
Speaker 1: from the National Dog Association we'd like to give you

476
00:31:31,360 --> 00:31:34,520
Speaker 1: an award for the best dogs. I could see. The

477
00:31:34,560 --> 00:31:39,360
Speaker 1: woman at the door was suspicious. She looked fidgety and frightened. Dogs.

478
00:31:39,920 --> 00:31:42,960
Speaker 1: We don't have any dogs here. Leave me alone, there

479
00:31:42,960 --> 00:31:45,320
Speaker 1: are no dogs here. She tried to shut the door,

480
00:31:45,360 --> 00:31:48,400
Speaker 1: but Carolina was too fast. She shoved her boot inside

481
00:31:48,400 --> 00:31:50,440
Speaker 1: the house as the door was closing, and then she

482
00:31:50,560 --> 00:31:53,800
Speaker 1: pushed her way in. She still had that mucus covered

483
00:31:53,800 --> 00:31:57,240
Speaker 1: eyeball hanging out of her socket. I could hear people running,

484
00:31:57,480 --> 00:32:09,880
Speaker 1: dogs barking. That's when I sprang into act. I ran

485
00:32:09,960 --> 00:32:13,000
Speaker 1: for the backyard, which meant getting over an eight foot fence.

486
00:32:13,080 --> 00:32:15,800
Speaker 1: But luckily I found an old bamboo pole lying around,

487
00:32:15,880 --> 00:32:18,440
Speaker 1: and I vaulted the fence with ease and clearing the

488
00:32:18,480 --> 00:32:21,480
Speaker 1: top by at least two feet, much like Don Bragg

489
00:32:21,880 --> 00:32:26,400
Speaker 1: in the nineteen sixty Summer Olympics. What a reference. Anyway,

490
00:32:26,600 --> 00:32:28,920
Speaker 1: I landed in the backyard only to find more than

491
00:32:28,960 --> 00:32:32,240
Speaker 1: a thousand dogs tight up. A group of men were

492
00:32:32,280 --> 00:32:35,000
Speaker 1: waiting to give me the business with picks and hammers

493
00:32:35,000 --> 00:32:37,840
Speaker 1: and chains, so I had to react fast. I brought

494
00:32:37,880 --> 00:32:40,440
Speaker 1: a thundering right hook down on the first man that

495
00:32:40,520 --> 00:32:43,200
Speaker 1: came at me. He crumpled to the ground like an

496
00:32:43,200 --> 00:32:45,920
Speaker 1: old accordion. And then the next man came at me

497
00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:48,880
Speaker 1: with a chain, but I dodged left and got my

498
00:32:48,960 --> 00:32:52,040
Speaker 1: hand around enough chain to yank the poor sucker right

499
00:32:52,080 --> 00:32:55,040
Speaker 1: into a left book. The next guy came at me.

500
00:32:55,360 --> 00:32:57,440
Speaker 1: I was beginning to wonder why they didn't attack me

501
00:32:57,480 --> 00:33:00,520
Speaker 1: all at once, which I suggested to them, but they

502
00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:03,000
Speaker 1: said they lived by the code of the dog Wrangler

503
00:33:03,480 --> 00:33:06,480
Speaker 1: and they could only fight mono imano, which I respected.

504
00:33:07,160 --> 00:33:09,120
Speaker 1: Just as I was about to knock out the third guy,

505
00:33:09,240 --> 00:33:12,520
Speaker 1: Carolina busted into the backyard. Somewhere in the house, she

506
00:33:12,600 --> 00:33:16,360
Speaker 1: found an old nineteen thirties Tommy gun and she sprayed

507
00:33:16,400 --> 00:33:37,880
Speaker 1: the yard with lead. Carolina, Carolina, stop stop, Carolina, listen

508
00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:47,960
Speaker 1: to me. Stop stop shooting. Everyone is dead. You have

509
00:33:48,200 --> 00:33:51,960
Speaker 1: killed all the bad guys. You can't stop now. Okay,

510
00:33:53,800 --> 00:34:01,880
Speaker 1: please stop, Carolina, when do you think that next? Bullets?

511
00:34:05,760 --> 00:34:12,440
Speaker 1: Spa spa. Finally she ran out of bullets. Bodies were everywhere.

512
00:34:12,960 --> 00:34:16,200
Speaker 1: I could tell. Carolina was visibly shaken. She wasn't used

513
00:34:16,239 --> 00:34:19,920
Speaker 1: to killing that many men, not like me. I went

514
00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:25,960
Speaker 1: to her, It's okay, they're there. You did good, Carolina.

515
00:34:26,400 --> 00:34:28,400
Speaker 1: Let me see, there must be twenty six guys here

516
00:34:28,440 --> 00:34:31,400
Speaker 1: and you killed them all. That's a high body count.

517
00:34:32,160 --> 00:34:34,759
Speaker 1: Maybe you should get some therapy down the road. This

518
00:34:34,960 --> 00:34:37,359
Speaker 1: is going to come back to haunt you. I bet

519
00:34:37,440 --> 00:34:39,520
Speaker 1: there were a few innocent guys in the bunch too,

520
00:34:40,160 --> 00:34:43,880
Speaker 1: There always are. But you did good. Hey, I know

521
00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:46,360
Speaker 1: what'll cheer you up. Let's let's let these dogs go.

522
00:34:48,600 --> 00:34:52,160
Speaker 1: Let me tell you, folks, when we opened up those cages,

523
00:34:52,280 --> 00:34:57,480
Speaker 1: it was a bear dogs pouring out, jumping around, sniffing butts.

524
00:34:57,840 --> 00:35:00,879
Speaker 1: It was a huge party. I've never seen happier dogs

525
00:35:00,920 --> 00:35:03,440
Speaker 1: in my life. There must have been a thousand dogs

526
00:35:03,560 --> 00:35:06,000
Speaker 1: locked up back there, and we let them all go.

527
00:35:07,000 --> 00:35:09,520
Speaker 1: One of the last to be set free was none

528
00:35:09,560 --> 00:35:13,960
Speaker 1: other than Timmy Jones little dog Peanut. But he came

529
00:35:14,040 --> 00:35:17,000
Speaker 1: up to us wagging his tail and barking like Christmas morning,

530
00:35:17,280 --> 00:35:20,239
Speaker 1: and our hearts melted on the spot. I thought for

531
00:35:20,360 --> 00:35:22,840
Speaker 1: one second that maybe I'd steal peanut butter and just

532
00:35:23,000 --> 00:35:25,960
Speaker 1: till Timmy Jones. I never found him. The Caroline is

533
00:35:26,000 --> 00:35:28,400
Speaker 1: a real pill, and she would have told on me,

534
00:35:29,080 --> 00:35:35,800
Speaker 1: so I couldn't. Also, I'm a detective. My name is

535
00:35:35,880 --> 00:35:39,719
Speaker 1: Ron Burgundy, and I walk a beat and this has

536
00:35:39,800 --> 00:35:49,160
Speaker 1: been the Ron Burgundy Mystery Hour. So so what did

537
00:35:49,200 --> 00:35:55,600
Speaker 1: you think, um of what just happened? That was pretty hardcore.

538
00:35:55,840 --> 00:35:57,480
Speaker 1: That's what I thought too. Do you mind getting it

539
00:35:57,520 --> 00:36:01,920
Speaker 1: into Tarantino's hands, and if not his hands, maybe maybe

540
00:36:01,960 --> 00:36:06,040
Speaker 1: his suit jacket, maybe his car. You know what, get

541
00:36:06,120 --> 00:36:10,280
Speaker 1: this podcast recording next to Tarantino's bed while he's sleeping

542
00:36:10,560 --> 00:36:14,720
Speaker 1: and wake him up, introduce yourself and bang a banga bago.

543
00:36:15,320 --> 00:36:17,960
Speaker 1: So I think we should sit on this recording right,

544
00:36:18,239 --> 00:36:21,360
Speaker 1: not really release it yet edited, think about some of

545
00:36:21,440 --> 00:36:24,319
Speaker 1: the fight scenes, the carnage, my eyeball thing, I mean,

546
00:36:24,360 --> 00:36:26,239
Speaker 1: I've thought about it a lot, and then we can

547
00:36:26,280 --> 00:36:28,480
Speaker 1: talk to my heart actually, and then we can find

548
00:36:28,520 --> 00:36:31,239
Speaker 1: out what version of this we we let out into

549
00:36:31,280 --> 00:36:33,239
Speaker 1: the public. Okay, you know what, I'm gonna hold on

550
00:36:33,320 --> 00:36:35,800
Speaker 1: to it. I won't release it until you think it's ready.

551
00:36:38,360 --> 00:36:41,520
Speaker 1: I watched her dumb face while I lied like a

552
00:36:41,640 --> 00:36:45,880
Speaker 1: Russian spy. Her dumb eyeball was back in its socket,

553
00:36:46,520 --> 00:36:50,640
Speaker 1: and I was a millionaire. Ron. I'm listening. I'm looking

554
00:36:50,719 --> 00:37:01,960
Speaker 1: at you. I'm listening to this. Quentin, wake up five