Speaker 1: Welcome to stuff to Blow your Mind from how Stuff
Speaker 1: Works dot com. Hey, you're welcome to stuff to blow
Speaker 1: your mind. My name is Robert Lamb and I'm Julie Douglass.
Speaker 1: And we are spiraling into the holidays now, the free fall,
Speaker 1: the free fall, yeah, the way I like to think
Speaker 1: of it, We're done with Halloween, the the sort of
Speaker 1: fantastic appreciation culmination of the years wonderful events wrought in horror, right,
Speaker 1: But now we leave, we leave those imagined horrors behind
Speaker 1: and we get into the true horrors of the holidays.
Speaker 1: I know. And now I'm just imagining, like a hitchcocky
Speaker 1: in vertigo thing, all of us falling into this spiral
Speaker 1: of Thanksgiving and then the winter holidays and then winter
Speaker 1: really setting into our bones. It's it can be a
Speaker 1: very difficult time, I find, you know, especially the sort
Speaker 1: of modern pop culture version of the holidays that we
Speaker 1: have here in the West, with with with Thanksgiving and
Speaker 1: UH and the and Christmas. And when I have you
Speaker 1: as well, because you you constantly bombarded with these idealized
Speaker 1: images of what it should be of this uh, you know, this,
Speaker 1: this Norman Rockwell family setting around Thanksgiving dinner, these you know,
Speaker 1: old timey Christmas images of people, you know, gathered around
Speaker 1: the fireplace on Christmas Eve, all that kind of stuff.
Speaker 1: So you're having to deal with these these visions that
Speaker 1: don't really match up with reality all that much. And
Speaker 1: then you're also dealing with all the the added complexities
Speaker 1: of your life, the social dynamics of your family, and
Speaker 1: uh it can. And meanwhile, the world is growing darker,
Speaker 1: the world is growing colder, and uh and and I think,
Speaker 1: you know, tapping into some of those primordial fears. Will
Speaker 1: will the sun come back? Will warm times and and
Speaker 1: harvest return to us? Or is this the eternal night?
Speaker 1: Will that Thanksgiving turkey ever be done? That? And I
Speaker 1: was thinking about this, that the family dynamics on a
Speaker 1: typical Thanksgiving American Thanksgiving celebration, because again, you you brought
Speaker 1: up Rockwell and there's this idea of the gathering and
Speaker 1: everybody gathering at the table and breaking bread. And then
Speaker 1: I thought, what does that really look like? And this
Speaker 1: is definitely a generalization what I'm about to say, but
Speaker 1: I thought, you know, what's pretty typical is that you
Speaker 1: have a mom or some other matriarchal member of the
Speaker 1: family slaving away in the kitchen, you know, elbows up
Speaker 1: to like turkey guts and stuffing and a little bitter
Speaker 1: about it. Right. And then in the other room, you
Speaker 1: might have a dad or a patriarchal figure sitting, you know,
Speaker 1: in the chair with the football game on, and all
Speaker 1: the other kids or you know, other family members gathered
Speaker 1: around all watching football in silence. And that's you know,
Speaker 1: that's kind of a sort of a typical thing. Again,
Speaker 1: this is the generalization, and not every family is like that,
Speaker 1: but it doesn't it doesn't ring like this warm family gathering.
Speaker 1: It feels more like this sort of forced Okay, we're
Speaker 1: all going to sit together and observe a holiday. And
Speaker 1: that is when you get to have those family dynamics
Speaker 1: sort of hanging above the Thanksgiving table like a thick fog,
Speaker 1: because you know, within that you have all of the
Speaker 1: roles of the past that we've played, You've have certain
Speaker 1: aggressions in the family being played out sometimes and and
Speaker 1: it can be a really stressful holiday for people in
Speaker 1: that way. Yeah, I mean, I mean, if nothing else,
Speaker 1: and we're all completely changing over time. So you have
Speaker 1: these families getting back together now you know, everyone not
Speaker 1: everyone is u is at the same place they used
Speaker 1: to be in there, and and also you find yourself
Speaker 1: falling back into former modes of behavior and being. I've
Speaker 1: talked with friends about this before, talking about like how
Speaker 1: long is a is an optimal visit, especially around siblings,
Speaker 1: because it seems like day one and day two are
Speaker 1: great because you're still your your outside, you're grown up self.
Speaker 1: But if you're around your siblings too much, then you
Speaker 1: start falling into old sibling modes, which can be a
Speaker 1: little stressful. I agree. And um, someone told me this
Speaker 1: the other day. They thought they said, if you think
Speaker 1: that you have achieved in, just get around your family
Speaker 1: for a weekend and see if you really achieved in. Because,
Speaker 1: as you say, even though you have your grown up
Speaker 1: self and you have face challenges on your own and
Speaker 1: you've grown, it's really easy to fall into these family roles,
Speaker 1: especially if there's a dysfunctional element to the family. Indeed,
Speaker 1: an't and I think there's there's often a bit of
Speaker 1: dysfunction at least in any kind of family, and it's
Speaker 1: kind of inevitable. It's it's there are a number of
Speaker 1: moving parts and as this machine has to turn on
Speaker 1: over the years, over decades, Uh, they're they're gonna get
Speaker 1: some some kinks in the machinery. And uh, and that's
Speaker 1: just part of living, Yeah, because you have to think
Speaker 1: about a family as a sort of a living, breathing
Speaker 1: thing that's ebbing and flowing and changing. The dynamics are
Speaker 1: changing based on life events and challenges in that family.
Speaker 1: And this is from Lisa Miles writing for psych Central.
Speaker 1: She says, conflict, neglect, abuse of all sorts, shame, conditional love,
Speaker 1: faulty disciplinary styles, gender prejudice, sexuality, intolerance, denial of feelings,
Speaker 1: and family facts which is interesting, emotional disregulation, rampant anxiety,
Speaker 1: and much more are ever present in such families as
Speaker 1: she just described pretty much everybody populating the earth, I think. So, yeah, enemy,
Speaker 1: and on top of that, you do have these you
Speaker 1: do have all these great memories as well perhaps you
Speaker 1: know you may have you have these things that are
Speaker 1: trying you all together beyond just just blood or living
Speaker 1: arrangements or shared histories. Um. But yeah, it becomes a
Speaker 1: very just complicated dynamic that does not match up with
Speaker 1: that Norman Rockwell painting that is not what he painted
Speaker 1: and or was on the cover of a magazine. This
Speaker 1: is uh, this is real life and there's so many
Speaker 1: moving parts to it. Yeah, which leads adult children of
Speaker 1: dysfunctional families to assume one of several roles at the
Speaker 1: Thanksgiving table. Yeah, now this is this was an interesting
Speaker 1: reading about this. Uh. I think that it ranges from
Speaker 1: four to six tend to be the given roles, right
Speaker 1: and uh and you know it it it's what fighter, thief, wizard.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, that's now the first one will mention here
Speaker 1: the rebel and you can if you cannot identify the
Speaker 1: rebel in your own family environment or in those of friends,
Speaker 1: then you've definitely seen it in the media or you've
Speaker 1: read it in a novel. Uh. This is the you know,
Speaker 1: generally generally the kid who's uh, who's always out there
Speaker 1: getting into trouble, getting into some sort of mischief and
Speaker 1: also often serving as a scapegoat for other members of
Speaker 1: the family unit, so that not only is there misbeha
Speaker 1: of your a self expression, they become this uh, this,
Speaker 1: this o this uh, this mechanism that other members of
Speaker 1: the family turned to to divert attention, to divert blame, etcetera. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's kind of the Lindsay Lohan of the family the Lilo, right, um.
Speaker 1: And that's where that's where it's problematic as a scapegoat part,
Speaker 1: because any of the core problems tend to get glossed
Speaker 1: over because everybody's looking at the kid who wants some
Speaker 1: sort of attention, you know, even if it's negative attention. Um.
Speaker 1: And then you have something which I sometimes thinks the
Speaker 1: rebel bleeds into this, the mascot or the clown, and
Speaker 1: that's the kid who is using comedy to help alleviate tensions.
Speaker 1: And of course the problem with that is that if
Speaker 1: you're always playing the clown, then you're not really observing
Speaker 1: your own true feelings or allowing those feelings to be shown,
Speaker 1: or even really allowing those tensions to play out because
Speaker 1: you're too busy trying to cover it up. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: which is which is an interesting one to think about
Speaker 1: because I I often find myself acting like the mascot
Speaker 1: in various environments where you know, I'm going to turn
Speaker 1: to a joke or some sort of you know, whimsical
Speaker 1: observation something of that nature. Um. And at the time
Speaker 1: it will often seem like be thing to do, you know,
Speaker 1: But I guess I'm kind of generally a conflict avoidant person,
Speaker 1: so right, and it's the easy thing to get to
Speaker 1: the problem is that when it goes on and on
Speaker 1: and on and then you get to you have these
Speaker 1: sort of recursive behavioral traits that play out later when
Speaker 1: you're really hiving to deal or grapple with some difficult topics,
Speaker 1: you know, trying to get a little down to your
Speaker 1: real feelings. So it often comes down to am I
Speaker 1: playing the long game or the short game in terms
Speaker 1: of my Thanksgiving? Which could be difficult because when we're
Speaker 1: talking about even the title of this podcast, Surviving Thanksgiving,
Speaker 1: it brings to mind just the idea of, all, right,
Speaker 1: how can I make it through this Thanksgiving uh encounter
Speaker 1: with everyone and and have a positive story at the
Speaker 1: end of it, avoid any pitfalls, and just optimize my Thanksgiving?
Speaker 1: And you're generally thinking about that one Thanksgiving it a
Speaker 1: time if you were planning like three Thanksgivings ahead, Um,
Speaker 1: I would love to meet you, because you found like
Speaker 1: a strange and fascinating Yeah, the rest of us might
Speaker 1: be a little bit overwhelmed by that. And we will
Speaker 1: talk about some coping um mechanisms and behaviors in a moment,
Speaker 1: But let's get through a couple more of these roles,
Speaker 1: the rebel in the mascot. Yeah, and of course then
Speaker 1: you have the good kid or the hero, and that
Speaker 1: is the kid who's trying to fix the family, who
Speaker 1: often assumed the parental role. And at some point I
Speaker 1: think all of this, do you assume the parental role
Speaker 1: with our parents just by virtue of your parents getting
Speaker 1: older and you're taking on more responsibility. But we're talking
Speaker 1: about kids who become the responsible ones of the family
Speaker 1: because there just isn't that support level from the parents, right,
Speaker 1: or you know, sometimes it's they have to jump in
Speaker 1: when it's just something out of the parents, uh sphere
Speaker 1: of influence, or you know, it's a difficult time, you know,
Speaker 1: so I mean it. Yeah. One thing to keep in
Speaker 1: mind with these is that is that you know, one
Speaker 1: person is not necessarily stuck with that that role throughout
Speaker 1: their life or throughout the even even though a single
Speaker 1: Thanksgiving we candidate might change I imagine, although I will say,
Speaker 1: once family dynamics are set, we tend to fall into
Speaker 1: those roles. But you're right, sometimes sometimes kids can change
Speaker 1: those roles, and even in a meaningful and thoughtful way
Speaker 1: as opposed to just relying on the habit of behavior. Um.
Speaker 1: Now another role is the lost or the invisible child,
Speaker 1: and we're talking about the kid who retreats to the
Speaker 1: shadows to avoid conflict and ends up having a hard
Speaker 1: time connecting on a personal level later on because he
Speaker 1: or she is again trying to get away from the
Speaker 1: situation and not confront the feelings or the people surrounding
Speaker 1: that situation. The name on this one was a little
Speaker 1: mis misleading, I felt, because, um, the lost child, it
Speaker 1: does bring to mind like almost ghostfully entity in the
Speaker 1: corner of the things, But it also involves just generally
Speaker 1: externalizing over internalizing. So it could also be the family
Speaker 1: member who you know who visits for Thanksgiving buddies all
Speaker 1: but has to leave to go running and is doing
Speaker 1: their yoga and has also maybe brought their laptop with
Speaker 1: him to do a little work on the side. Is
Speaker 1: just you know, busy, busy, busy, whatever you can do
Speaker 1: to to remain engaged in the external world as opposed
Speaker 1: to the internal world of reflection and remembering and and
Speaker 1: and actually thinking about what's going on with your Thanksgiving holiday. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think that as the kid or the the adult
Speaker 1: who used to be that kid who looks at maybe
Speaker 1: the rats nest of the family dynamics that says, f
Speaker 1: that I'm going over here to the corner to do
Speaker 1: the following thing. Now, A couple of other roles that
Speaker 1: come up are the caretaker that's the person who may
Speaker 1: assume the emotional well being for the entire family, or
Speaker 1: the mastermind. I thought this was interesting. This is the
Speaker 1: kid who might pounce on other family members shortcomings to
Speaker 1: get what he or she wants, and oftentimes parents will
Speaker 1: just appease the child because they're kind of a pain
Speaker 1: in the butt. Wow. So this really we've really set
Speaker 1: everyone up for a for a frightening Thanksgiving because they
Speaker 1: hear we've talked about the complexities of the social dynamics
Speaker 1: and then these roles, which you know, for the most part,
Speaker 1: I'm not sure anyone would want to take on the
Speaker 1: mantle of any of these roles because they all have
Speaker 1: have at least a little negativity to them and certainly
Speaker 1: play a role in in in what could overall be
Speaker 1: seen as a as a dysfunctional dynamic. And I think
Speaker 1: the key here is the awareness of the role. Do
Speaker 1: you play that role? How? How do you play that role? Um?
Speaker 1: How do you subconsciously do it? Is there a way
Speaker 1: to be with your family and not fall into one
Speaker 1: of these roles which usually is not helping the situation,
Speaker 1: you know. Um, So that's why we bring up because
Speaker 1: we thought, you know, what is it? What is it
Speaker 1: that we're all bringing with us too Thanksgiving? Besides our
Speaker 1: side dishes? And that is one of them the roles
Speaker 1: that we play. Now, alcohol and aggression sometimes can play
Speaker 1: a role here at the table. There's a two thousand
Speaker 1: attendants study carried out by researchers at the Swedish Institute
Speaker 1: for Social Research and the Norwegian Institute for Alcohol and
Speaker 1: Drug Research, and they looked at a loss of control
Speaker 1: and violence UH in conjunction with alcohol use. And this
Speaker 1: was based on surveys from nearly three thousand adolescents and
Speaker 1: young adults in Norway and among individuals who reported a
Speaker 1: high inclination to suppress feelings of anger, a ten percent
Speaker 1: increase in drinking to the point of intoxication was associated
Speaker 1: with a five increase in violence. So the idea here
Speaker 1: is that those who held in their anger were more
Speaker 1: likely to get drunk, and that that drunkenness was linked
Speaker 1: to an increase of the likelihood of getting into a brawl. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I mean think of it this way that in order
Speaker 1: to keep the locks on the anger, it takes a
Speaker 1: certain amount of mental energy. And then when you when
Speaker 1: you drink a little bit too much, you are at
Speaker 1: the more you drink can Thinking of that way, you're
Speaker 1: you're softening those holds on the lock and there's a
Speaker 1: monster behind those doors potentially, And do you really want
Speaker 1: that monster to burst free at Thanksgiving dinner? Yeah, because
Speaker 1: we've talked about this before. Alcohol and loss of control
Speaker 1: in your prefrontal cortex, you know, the executive judgment they're
Speaker 1: sort of saying, you know, and I think I'm gonna
Speaker 1: take a nap here. Yeah. Now. Another study that looked
Speaker 1: into alcohol and aggression was two thousand eleven study and
Speaker 1: this was published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology.
Speaker 1: I looked at four adults uh average age of twenty three,
Speaker 1: who were social drinkers. Um. They all completed the Consideration
Speaker 1: of Future Consequences scale. So definitely one thing to keep
Speaker 1: in mind here is it's it's sort of thinking like,
Speaker 1: am I thinking about just the Thanksgiving? Or am I
Speaker 1: thinking beyond this Thanksgiving? Am I thinking even two or
Speaker 1: three thanksgivings had us long term exactly, uh, and kind
Speaker 1: of setting himself up for disappointment because we've touched before
Speaker 1: on how we're notoriously bad at long term m planning
Speaker 1: and an appreciation of long term risks, etcetera. So they
Speaker 1: all took this U this. They all completed the scale,
Speaker 1: and they indicated how much they agreed with statements like
Speaker 1: I only act to satisfy immediate concerns, figuring the future
Speaker 1: will take care of itself. And uh. Then they engaged
Speaker 1: in a fake shot game. Uh. Basically they were they
Speaker 1: were told that they were, you know, pressing this button
Speaker 1: and somebody else is pressing the button and the loser
Speaker 1: is getting an electric shock. Um, which again is playing
Speaker 1: into some you know, past experiments of sort of just
Speaker 1: how much of a jerk can you be? How can
Speaker 1: you be? How aggressive you can be towards another person
Speaker 1: even if you can't see them. So uh, they found
Speaker 1: they said the less people thought about the future, the
Speaker 1: more likely they were to retaliate, but especially when they
Speaker 1: were drunk. People who were present, focused and drunk shocked
Speaker 1: their opponents longer and harder than anyone else in the study.
Speaker 1: They said, alcohol didn't have much effect on the aggressiveness
Speaker 1: of people who were future focused. So basically, the take
Speaker 1: take home here is that drinking enough alcohol to become
Speaker 1: intoxicated increases aggression significantly in people who lack one particular
Speaker 1: personality trade. Uh. In other words, it plays, it becomes
Speaker 1: a It hasn't a myopic effect on people. It narrows
Speaker 1: your attention to what's important to you right now. So
Speaker 1: if you're not someone who deals with a long term
Speaker 1: in general, and it's just always living for the present,
Speaker 1: which we've talked about as a marker of addictive personalities anyway, um,
Speaker 1: then you're gonna fall prey to this and probably be
Speaker 1: a bit more um aggressive. Yeah, I mean, one way
Speaker 1: to think of it. One possibility is if you if
Speaker 1: your Thanksgiving holiday it tends to involve some sort of
Speaker 1: um navigating of political waters. So you have so you
Speaker 1: have an uncle who is just you know, he's he's
Speaker 1: going to mention, uh, you know, the the most recent
Speaker 1: election and the and the and the current political climate.
Speaker 1: You're gonna bring something up that could potentially push your buttons. Well,
Speaker 1: based on the findings in this study, you know, if
Speaker 1: it could potentially be a very bad idea to to
Speaker 1: have had alcohol, because then you're going to you're gonna
Speaker 1: be even more likely to take that bait and fall
Speaker 1: for that bait and then get into an argument that
Speaker 1: you don't really want to begin with. You know what's
Speaker 1: the point of the argument. Yeah, I'm gonna win your
Speaker 1: uncle over. No, you're just gonna's just gonna make it
Speaker 1: uncomfortable for everybody. I have a family member, a male
Speaker 1: who's older, who turns into an culture for a couple
Speaker 1: of drinks and it's just not pleasant, which brings up
Speaker 1: this idea of the spiral of silence. Because we talked
Speaker 1: about this before, is that a lot of times, if
Speaker 1: someone is very boisterous and their voicing their opinion and
Speaker 1: they seem to be the majority of the group, those
Speaker 1: with minority opinions will recede to the shadows because they
Speaker 1: don't want to be ostracized. And we have a whole
Speaker 1: episode on that. So I was thinking about that in
Speaker 1: terms of Thanksgiving and this idea of suppressing your anger
Speaker 1: and having alcohol and maybe not feeling as though you
Speaker 1: have a voice in the matter, and it sort of
Speaker 1: compounds the entire situation. All Right, Well, we're gonna have
Speaker 1: an uncomfortable silence, and then we're gonna have a break.
Speaker 1: And when we come back, we are going to roll
Speaker 1: out some some suggestions, some ways to to deal with
Speaker 1: with whatever kind of challenges your holiday encounters may provide you.
Speaker 1: All Right, we're back. So as you're listening to this,
Speaker 1: perhaps you're even in the car and you're you're driving
Speaker 1: to your your Thanksgiving encounter or some other holiday encounter,
Speaker 1: some of the kind of family get together. Um, you
Speaker 1: may be wondering, what we've talked about, all of these
Speaker 1: these dangers and pitfalls, But what what can I do?
Speaker 1: Aside from maybe you know, reevaluate my consumption of alcohol
Speaker 1: at this year's festivities. You can do something that is
Speaker 1: so elegantly simple and yet so hard to pull off.
Speaker 1: Go to go to Disneyland instead. That is sort of
Speaker 1: simple in concept, right, but there are some moving parts
Speaker 1: that stay the course. Okay, I'm thinking more of gratitude. Ah, well,
Speaker 1: it's Thanksgiving, right, that's the supposedly the whole point. Be
Speaker 1: thankful for what you have and what you know. Be
Speaker 1: thankful for the people in your life, even if the annoys.
Speaker 1: Sometimes even if you don't NECESSI the eyed eye to everything,
Speaker 1: focus on what you should be grateful for. Be thankful
Speaker 1: for the bounty on the table, and so on and
Speaker 1: so forth. So yeah, it turns out that this is
Speaker 1: actually sort of the panacea. This is this is the
Speaker 1: shot in the arm that we all need to get
Speaker 1: through Thanksgiving. And gratitude is important. We've heard a lot
Speaker 1: about it, I think, I feel like in popular culture
Speaker 1: over the last five years or so. And it's a
Speaker 1: part of positive psychology, and John Tierney, writing for The
Speaker 1: New York Times, describes it this way. He says, cultivating
Speaker 1: an attitude of gratitude has been linked to better health,
Speaker 1: sound or sleep, less anxiety and depression, higher long term
Speaker 1: satisfaction with life, and kinder behavior towards others, including romantic partners.
Speaker 1: It's all it's all win win stuff, right. Yeah. Now,
Speaker 1: that one caveat there, though, is don't confuse gratitude with indebtedness, Like,
Speaker 1: don't don't take gratitude gratitude and then twist it into
Speaker 1: some sort of a tool or weapon to use against others.
Speaker 1: You have to, you have to to draw the line
Speaker 1: somewhat well. To me, that falls in the category of integrity, right.
Speaker 1: You don't do something to be recognized for you do something,
Speaker 1: if you're doing an act of integrity, it's something that's
Speaker 1: the right thing to do, right, and maybe someone doesn't
Speaker 1: even know that it happened. And so gratitude is the
Speaker 1: same in that respect, where you're just trying to be
Speaker 1: a good, kind person and the appreciative for the things
Speaker 1: in front of you, the things that you can count
Speaker 1: as really enriching your life. So the question is like,
Speaker 1: to what degree does this actually impact your experience around
Speaker 1: something like a holiday like Thanksgiving? So indeed, okay, this
Speaker 1: cultivated attitude of gratitude, how's it going to help when
Speaker 1: when when the the the uncle starts starts into a
Speaker 1: political tirade. But here's a little story about how if
Speaker 1: you don't cultivate it, you're gonna be in big trouble.
Speaker 1: And this was from the Journal of Positive Psychology. There's
Speaker 1: paper by Alan at All that was published in volume eight,
Speaker 1: issue two in two thousand and thirteen. What they did
Speaker 1: is they followed a hundred and seventy two college students
Speaker 1: for three weeks around Thanksgiving. They tracked gratitude, positive effect,
Speaker 1: and life satisfaction through these diary style entries and researchers
Speaker 1: saw a significant bump in both gratitude and positive effect
Speaker 1: on Thanksgiving. Um for that one day, people were more
Speaker 1: thankful and felt more positive overall. But they took those results.
Speaker 1: But they did some math here, and the authors found,
Speaker 1: not surprisingly that the relationship between Thanksgiving and life satisfaction
Speaker 1: varied by participants. They also found that when daily fluctuations
Speaker 1: and gratitude were controlled for daily life satisfaction and positive effect,
Speaker 1: we're actually lower during the holiday. So what is this
Speaker 1: telling us? This telling us? This is telling us that
Speaker 1: people who were more grateful on Thanksgiving were likely to
Speaker 1: have experienced increased well being over the holiday. Conversely, those
Speaker 1: who were less grateful felt uh a sense of less
Speaker 1: well being and a sense of meaninglessness. So again we're
Speaker 1: talking here about the negative effects of Thanksgiving being counteractive
Speaker 1: by actually being grateful and engaging in acts of gratitude.
Speaker 1: All right, that's all well and fine, because okay, you
Speaker 1: can be grateful and thanksgiving get through. But how do
Speaker 1: you actually do that? And according to Sonya lubum Risky
Speaker 1: of the University of California, Riverside, she says, do one
Speaker 1: small and unobtrusive, thoughtful or generous thing for each member
Speaker 1: of your family on Thanksgiving, she says, say thank you
Speaker 1: for every thoughtful or kind gesture, express your admiration for
Speaker 1: someone's skills or talents wielding that kitchen knife so masterfully,
Speaker 1: for example. And she says to truly listen even when
Speaker 1: your grandfather is boring you again with the same World
Speaker 1: War two story. And another way that this becomes really
Speaker 1: helpful gratitude is that it turns out to really shield
Speaker 1: you against any negative um overtures or any sort of
Speaker 1: criticism that might be levied at you. And and Nathan
Speaker 1: Dwall's two thousand and eleven study quote a grateful heart
Speaker 1: is a non violent heart. Um. He had students at
Speaker 1: the University of Kentucky right essays, so no big book,
Speaker 1: right except when they turned in the essays some of
Speaker 1: the essays had like terrible scathing things said to them
Speaker 1: about their essays, like this is a pile of junk. Okay,
Speaker 1: now you mentioned before that you know this is a
Speaker 1: big trope in these sorts of studies where someone feels
Speaker 1: like violated and they get to you exact revenge. In
Speaker 1: this instance, those students would play a game against the
Speaker 1: person who criticized them, and they were able to blast
Speaker 1: this really really loud white noise at them if they won.
Speaker 1: And it turns out, of course that the people who
Speaker 1: were criticized would blast that noise, but those who were
Speaker 1: instructed to write essays about something that they were grateful
Speaker 1: for were less likely to blast that white noise and
Speaker 1: try to exact revenge. And again this is brought up
Speaker 1: because that puts you at an advantage in your psyche.
Speaker 1: If you feel grateful for something, you feel less um
Speaker 1: angry about stuff or or less reactive. And this is
Speaker 1: one of the lessons that comes up when you're talking
Speaker 1: about getting together with family and you settle into those
Speaker 1: well worn roles in which you know you're sibling or
Speaker 1: some other family member can say something to you and
Speaker 1: push that button that drives you nuts. What I like
Speaker 1: about this is that it it almost sounds like a
Speaker 1: very machiavell in form of gratitude, you know, like it.
Speaker 1: It seems like a like a strategy that would be
Speaker 1: rolled out on Game of Thrones when they get together
Speaker 1: for a some sort of imaginary Thanksgiving dinner. Uh Like
Speaker 1: political movements, How can I how can I uh guard
Speaker 1: myself against the attacks of my enemies while engaging them
Speaker 1: in this in this welking holiday, right. It may feel,
Speaker 1: as you say, very Macavellian, very sort of strategic and planned.
Speaker 1: But as we have talked about before, when you fake it,
Speaker 1: sometimes you make it. You know, if you're extending a
Speaker 1: bit of kindness, sometimes you actually are like, hey, look
Speaker 1: at me, I'm being kind. Well, I wonder too, is
Speaker 1: it possible to overdo it to the point where then
Speaker 1: your family members like, wonder of what medication you're on
Speaker 1: or if you were perhaps dying, you know, like, it
Speaker 1: seems like you you run the risk of laying it
Speaker 1: on tooth thick. But I guess if you're calling on
Speaker 1: you can just say, hey, I'm just getting into the
Speaker 1: spirit of the holiday. Mann bust my shop. You're like,
Speaker 1: hey man, I'm just trying to change the dynamic of
Speaker 1: this family into a more positive one. And then you
Speaker 1: become a what role the the good girl or boy,
Speaker 1: the good kid trying to pull everyone back together, or
Speaker 1: the caretaker? Yeah, the caretaker yeah um now. John Tyranny,
Speaker 1: writing for The New York Times, says you could always
Speaker 1: practice the uh it could always be worse tactic, and
Speaker 1: he says, when your relatives force you to look at
Speaker 1: photos on their phones. Be thankful they no longer have
Speaker 1: access to a slide projector when your aunt expounds on politics,
Speaker 1: rejoice inwardly that she does not hold elected office. Instead
Speaker 1: of focusing on the dry, tasteless turkey on your plate,
Speaker 1: be grateful the six hour roasting process killed any toxic bacteria.
Speaker 1: I like that. Okay, well there you go. There's an
Speaker 1: uplifting way to look at it. Just remember that it
Speaker 1: could always be worse. It could always be infinitely worse.
Speaker 1: There may be no limit to how bad it could be.
Speaker 1: So yeah, you just have to kind of meditate on that.
Speaker 1: I just think of that the worst image, and you
Speaker 1: could possibly occupy your mind and whatever your your current
Speaker 1: situation is, it couldn't be that bad. And if you
Speaker 1: want to continue to be benignly Macavillian, you could try
Speaker 1: to actually manipulate the environment to hack into a little
Speaker 1: nostalgia of the people who are attending this Thanksgiving dinner. Yes, yes, nostalgia.
Speaker 1: We've we've discussed this before. Um, we did a whole
Speaker 1: episode on it. Nostalgia, of course, is is a very
Speaker 1: bitter sweet element to employ. Um, you know, we've we've
Speaker 1: all engaged with it. Sometimes we seek it out over
Speaker 1: and over again because it takes us back to the
Speaker 1: past in a way that's comforting and yet also just
Speaker 1: we can't touch it, you know, it's it's gone to us.
Speaker 1: It's you know, it's it's like that moment where you're
Speaker 1: like with me, I'm like setting there, I'm watching an
Speaker 1: old film board of Canada animated short with with my
Speaker 1: son and like nothing could feel nicer, and yet it's
Speaker 1: it's also depressing at the same time. It can be.
Speaker 1: But in studies, and we covered this in that Nostalgia episode,
Speaker 1: I believe there are instances in which people were in
Speaker 1: cold environments and then they would think about some sort
Speaker 1: of nostalgic thought and actually feel warmer. I think, be powerful. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and I think that the net benefit is positive, but
Speaker 1: it's it's it's a it's a complex cocktail to to
Speaker 1: to imbuse. So take care when you're hacking into nostalgia.
Speaker 1: I think it's what we're saying. Yeah, now, how do
Speaker 1: you hack in nostalgia? Well, obviously, anytime you're getting together
Speaker 1: for some sort of a family event, like especially you know,
Speaker 1: Thanksgiving and Christmas and hankun all these events, there's a
Speaker 1: lot of ritual in them. There's a lot of repetition,
Speaker 1: and I've seen it. But before that, the repetition and
Speaker 1: memory are basically the same movement. One reaches backwards in
Speaker 1: time and the other reaches into the future. Um, So
Speaker 1: there are lots of things to be a nostalgic about.
Speaker 1: We've touched on some of these before. It might be
Speaker 1: just to be as simple as that football game in
Speaker 1: the living, or maybe you're nostalgic about rooting on a
Speaker 1: certain we're watching a certain sporting event. It's it's all
Speaker 1: the food items that are that they end up getting
Speaker 1: cooked up in the kitchen. Is the smell of those
Speaker 1: food items, are those recipes, It's the decorations that are
Speaker 1: haulled that year after year. Maybe it's a particular board
Speaker 1: game you always play there. We have these these rituals
Speaker 1: that we engage in often year after year after year,
Speaker 1: off in generation after generation. Even Yeah, I have to
Speaker 1: say that when we have family get togethers, I put
Speaker 1: together a playlist that I know touches on everyone sort
Speaker 1: of favorite music, and um, that way, everyone is delighted
Speaker 1: at some point and again it brings up those feelings
Speaker 1: of nostalgia and Another thing that we tend to do,
Speaker 1: especially in Thanksgiving, is we make something called strawberry stickies,
Speaker 1: which in my husband's family like folklore, like that in history,
Speaker 1: or like this vaunted like wonderful dessert. Oh well, what
Speaker 1: are they? Basically like chunks and chunks of butter that
Speaker 1: are melted with sugar, strawberry and then pie crust, all
Speaker 1: rolled together and cut up into these little strawberry stickies.
Speaker 1: But it doesn't matter what's the sort of mood anyone
Speaker 1: is in, or if someone has ill will against us.
Speaker 1: If we bring the strawberry stickies, we tap into nostalgia
Speaker 1: and we're golden. Okay. And then also you're, I mean,
Speaker 1: by the mere act of bringing something to you're also
Speaker 1: you're sort of employing a bit of gratitude in there
Speaker 1: as well. It's a it's a complicated weapon, a multifold
Speaker 1: weapon that you're employing against your enemies each year, and
Speaker 1: yet a heartiest pure when we are making the strawberrys
Speaker 1: st only trying to please of us and we talk
Speaker 1: like that while we're making it. Okay. So, so you've
Speaker 1: talked about ways to hacking in nostalgia with music hackn
Speaker 1: do nostalgia with food. Uh wonder there are other ways
Speaker 1: that one might might utilize a little nostalgia to their benefit.
Speaker 1: I bet you guys listening have some ideas on this. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we need your information, we need your feedback. Yes, But
Speaker 1: those machiavellian uh holiday revelers out there, I'm sure you
Speaker 1: have some tricks up your sleeve. But then we would
Speaker 1: be delighted to hear about them. All right, so let
Speaker 1: us know. But in the meantime, if you get a chance,
Speaker 1: maybe you're you know, you're you're you're taking a breather
Speaker 1: from your holiday and you want to get on your
Speaker 1: phone or your computer or the family computer whatever you
Speaker 1: go to stuff to blow your mind dot com, because
Speaker 1: that's where you'll find all of our blog post, all
Speaker 1: of our videos, and all of our podcast episodes going
Speaker 1: way back to the very beginning. Episodes you can't even
Speaker 1: find on iTunes anymore, who will find them at the website.
Speaker 1: And we'll make sure that there's some Thanksgiving related material
Speaker 1: right there on the front page for you past episodes
Speaker 1: that we've done on related topics as well. And if
Speaker 1: you have some thoughts you'd like to share, you can
Speaker 1: see that by sending us an email to blow the
Speaker 1: mind at house. To fork dot com for more on
Speaker 1: this and thousands of other topics. Does it, How stuff
Speaker 1: Works dot com