WEBVTT - Surviving Thanksgiving 0:00:03.200 --> 0:00:06.080 Welcome to stuff to Blow your Mind from how Stuff 0:00:06.080 --> 0:00:13.320 Works dot com. Hey, you're welcome to stuff to blow 0:00:13.360 --> 0:00:15.920 your mind. My name is Robert Lamb and I'm Julie Douglass. 0:00:16.040 --> 0:00:20.400 And we are spiraling into the holidays now, the free fall, 0:00:20.520 --> 0:00:22.240 the free fall, yeah, the way I like to think 0:00:22.280 --> 0:00:24.840 of it, We're done with Halloween, the the sort of 0:00:25.000 --> 0:00:33.760 fantastic appreciation culmination of the years wonderful events wrought in horror, right, 0:00:34.200 --> 0:00:36.720 But now we leave, we leave those imagined horrors behind 0:00:36.720 --> 0:00:40.080 and we get into the true horrors of the holidays. 0:00:40.159 --> 0:00:42.800 I know. And now I'm just imagining, like a hitchcocky 0:00:42.880 --> 0:00:45.599 in vertigo thing, all of us falling into this spiral 0:00:46.400 --> 0:00:50.360 of Thanksgiving and then the winter holidays and then winter 0:00:50.520 --> 0:00:53.080 really setting into our bones. It's it can be a 0:00:53.280 --> 0:00:57.840 very difficult time, I find, you know, especially the sort 0:00:57.880 --> 0:01:02.520 of modern pop culture version of the holidays that we 0:01:02.600 --> 0:01:05.959 have here in the West, with with with Thanksgiving and 0:01:06.240 --> 0:01:08.240 UH and the and Christmas. And when I have you 0:01:08.280 --> 0:01:12.640 as well, because you you constantly bombarded with these idealized 0:01:12.640 --> 0:01:16.199 images of what it should be of this uh, you know, this, 0:01:16.200 --> 0:01:20.800 this Norman Rockwell family setting around Thanksgiving dinner, these you know, 0:01:21.000 --> 0:01:25.200 old timey Christmas images of people, you know, gathered around 0:01:25.280 --> 0:01:28.560 the fireplace on Christmas Eve, all that kind of stuff. 0:01:28.600 --> 0:01:30.760 So you're having to deal with these these visions that 0:01:30.840 --> 0:01:33.880 don't really match up with reality all that much. And 0:01:33.880 --> 0:01:37.000 then you're also dealing with all the the added complexities 0:01:37.040 --> 0:01:39.960 of your life, the social dynamics of your family, and 0:01:40.280 --> 0:01:43.360 uh it can. And meanwhile, the world is growing darker, 0:01:43.440 --> 0:01:46.720 the world is growing colder, and uh and and I think, 0:01:46.760 --> 0:01:50.120 you know, tapping into some of those primordial fears. Will 0:01:50.320 --> 0:01:53.840 will the sun come back? Will warm times and and 0:01:53.960 --> 0:01:57.400 harvest return to us? Or is this the eternal night? 0:01:57.720 --> 0:02:02.000 Will that Thanksgiving turkey ever be done? That? And I 0:02:02.160 --> 0:02:05.000 was thinking about this, that the family dynamics on a 0:02:05.040 --> 0:02:09.480 typical Thanksgiving American Thanksgiving celebration, because again, you you brought 0:02:09.560 --> 0:02:12.200 up Rockwell and there's this idea of the gathering and 0:02:12.919 --> 0:02:16.280 everybody gathering at the table and breaking bread. And then 0:02:16.320 --> 0:02:19.000 I thought, what does that really look like? And this 0:02:19.080 --> 0:02:21.160 is definitely a generalization what I'm about to say, but 0:02:21.200 --> 0:02:23.600 I thought, you know, what's pretty typical is that you 0:02:23.680 --> 0:02:27.400 have a mom or some other matriarchal member of the 0:02:27.520 --> 0:02:31.639 family slaving away in the kitchen, you know, elbows up 0:02:31.680 --> 0:02:35.400 to like turkey guts and stuffing and a little bitter 0:02:35.440 --> 0:02:38.239 about it. Right. And then in the other room, you 0:02:38.320 --> 0:02:42.080 might have a dad or a patriarchal figure sitting, you know, 0:02:42.120 --> 0:02:45.320 in the chair with the football game on, and all 0:02:45.320 --> 0:02:48.840 the other kids or you know, other family members gathered 0:02:48.880 --> 0:02:54.120 around all watching football in silence. And that's you know, 0:02:54.200 --> 0:02:56.760 that's kind of a sort of a typical thing. Again, 0:02:56.840 --> 0:02:59.680 this is the generalization, and not every family is like that, 0:02:59.760 --> 0:03:04.400 but it doesn't it doesn't ring like this warm family gathering. 0:03:04.440 --> 0:03:07.359 It feels more like this sort of forced Okay, we're 0:03:07.400 --> 0:03:11.480 all going to sit together and observe a holiday. And 0:03:11.600 --> 0:03:15.280 that is when you get to have those family dynamics 0:03:15.320 --> 0:03:19.720 sort of hanging above the Thanksgiving table like a thick fog, 0:03:19.800 --> 0:03:23.200 because you know, within that you have all of the 0:03:23.320 --> 0:03:25.800 roles of the past that we've played, You've have certain 0:03:25.840 --> 0:03:29.600 aggressions in the family being played out sometimes and and 0:03:29.639 --> 0:03:32.000 it can be a really stressful holiday for people in 0:03:32.080 --> 0:03:34.600 that way. Yeah, I mean, I mean, if nothing else, 0:03:34.639 --> 0:03:38.080 and we're all completely changing over time. So you have 0:03:38.160 --> 0:03:41.080 these families getting back together now you know, everyone not 0:03:41.160 --> 0:03:43.360 everyone is u is at the same place they used 0:03:43.360 --> 0:03:45.840 to be in there, and and also you find yourself 0:03:45.880 --> 0:03:49.840 falling back into former modes of behavior and being. I've 0:03:49.840 --> 0:03:51.880 talked with friends about this before, talking about like how 0:03:51.960 --> 0:03:56.000 long is a is an optimal visit, especially around siblings, 0:03:56.520 --> 0:03:58.920 because it seems like day one and day two are 0:03:58.960 --> 0:04:02.320 great because you're still your your outside, you're grown up self. 0:04:02.320 --> 0:04:04.840 But if you're around your siblings too much, then you 0:04:04.880 --> 0:04:09.560 start falling into old sibling modes, which can be a 0:04:09.600 --> 0:04:13.200 little stressful. I agree. And um, someone told me this 0:04:13.320 --> 0:04:15.920 the other day. They thought they said, if you think 0:04:15.960 --> 0:04:19.080 that you have achieved in, just get around your family 0:04:19.360 --> 0:04:22.120 for a weekend and see if you really achieved in. Because, 0:04:22.160 --> 0:04:24.480 as you say, even though you have your grown up 0:04:24.480 --> 0:04:28.280 self and you have face challenges on your own and 0:04:28.360 --> 0:04:32.279 you've grown, it's really easy to fall into these family roles, 0:04:32.480 --> 0:04:37.640 especially if there's a dysfunctional element to the family. Indeed, 0:04:37.640 --> 0:04:40.640 an't and I think there's there's often a bit of 0:04:40.720 --> 0:04:42.880 dysfunction at least in any kind of family, and it's 0:04:42.920 --> 0:04:45.599 kind of inevitable. It's it's there are a number of 0:04:45.640 --> 0:04:48.720 moving parts and as this machine has to turn on 0:04:49.400 --> 0:04:52.880 over the years, over decades, Uh, they're they're gonna get 0:04:52.920 --> 0:04:55.640 some some kinks in the machinery. And uh, and that's 0:04:55.680 --> 0:04:57.840 just part of living, Yeah, because you have to think 0:04:57.839 --> 0:04:59.839 about a family as a sort of a living, breathing 0:04:59.839 --> 0:05:03.360 thing that's ebbing and flowing and changing. The dynamics are 0:05:03.440 --> 0:05:06.520 changing based on life events and challenges in that family. 0:05:07.240 --> 0:05:10.279 And this is from Lisa Miles writing for psych Central. 0:05:10.360 --> 0:05:16.080 She says, conflict, neglect, abuse of all sorts, shame, conditional love, 0:05:16.400 --> 0:05:23.280 faulty disciplinary styles, gender prejudice, sexuality, intolerance, denial of feelings, 0:05:23.320 --> 0:05:29.240 and family facts which is interesting, emotional disregulation, rampant anxiety, 0:05:29.400 --> 0:05:33.560 and much more are ever present in such families as 0:05:33.600 --> 0:05:39.080 she just described pretty much everybody populating the earth, I think. So, yeah, enemy, 0:05:39.160 --> 0:05:41.320 and on top of that, you do have these you 0:05:41.400 --> 0:05:44.120 do have all these great memories as well perhaps you 0:05:44.120 --> 0:05:46.480 know you may have you have these things that are 0:05:46.560 --> 0:05:49.960 trying you all together beyond just just blood or living 0:05:50.040 --> 0:05:53.640 arrangements or shared histories. Um. But yeah, it becomes a 0:05:53.760 --> 0:05:56.800 very just complicated dynamic that does not match up with 0:05:56.839 --> 0:06:00.000 that Norman Rockwell painting that is not what he painted 0:06:00.360 --> 0:06:02.600 and or was on the cover of a magazine. This 0:06:02.680 --> 0:06:05.560 is uh, this is real life and there's so many 0:06:05.600 --> 0:06:08.360 moving parts to it. Yeah, which leads adult children of 0:06:08.440 --> 0:06:12.240 dysfunctional families to assume one of several roles at the 0:06:12.240 --> 0:06:15.200 Thanksgiving table. Yeah, now this is this was an interesting 0:06:15.360 --> 0:06:18.360 reading about this. Uh. I think that it ranges from 0:06:18.520 --> 0:06:20.880 four to six tend to be the given roles, right 0:06:21.360 --> 0:06:26.360 and uh and you know it it it's what fighter, thief, wizard. 0:06:27.520 --> 0:06:32.120 I'm sorry, that's now the first one will mention here 0:06:32.880 --> 0:06:35.960 the rebel and you can if you cannot identify the 0:06:36.000 --> 0:06:39.760 rebel in your own family environment or in those of friends, 0:06:39.760 --> 0:06:42.400 then you've definitely seen it in the media or you've 0:06:42.440 --> 0:06:46.080 read it in a novel. Uh. This is the you know, 0:06:46.120 --> 0:06:48.560 generally generally the kid who's uh, who's always out there 0:06:48.560 --> 0:06:51.440 getting into trouble, getting into some sort of mischief and 0:06:51.560 --> 0:06:56.440 also often serving as a scapegoat for other members of 0:06:56.440 --> 0:06:59.920 the family unit, so that not only is there misbeha 0:07:00.000 --> 0:07:04.240 of your a self expression, they become this uh, this, 0:07:04.440 --> 0:07:07.560 this o this uh, this mechanism that other members of 0:07:07.600 --> 0:07:12.680 the family turned to to divert attention, to divert blame, etcetera. Yeah, 0:07:12.720 --> 0:07:16.920 it's kind of the Lindsay Lohan of the family the Lilo, right, um. 0:07:17.000 --> 0:07:20.160 And that's where that's where it's problematic as a scapegoat part, 0:07:20.200 --> 0:07:23.040 because any of the core problems tend to get glossed 0:07:23.080 --> 0:07:26.120 over because everybody's looking at the kid who wants some 0:07:26.200 --> 0:07:29.720 sort of attention, you know, even if it's negative attention. Um. 0:07:29.760 --> 0:07:32.360 And then you have something which I sometimes thinks the 0:07:32.400 --> 0:07:35.560 rebel bleeds into this, the mascot or the clown, and 0:07:35.600 --> 0:07:39.880 that's the kid who is using comedy to help alleviate tensions. 0:07:39.920 --> 0:07:41.600 And of course the problem with that is that if 0:07:41.640 --> 0:07:45.240 you're always playing the clown, then you're not really observing 0:07:45.280 --> 0:07:49.400 your own true feelings or allowing those feelings to be shown, 0:07:49.560 --> 0:07:52.800 or even really allowing those tensions to play out because 0:07:52.800 --> 0:07:56.480 you're too busy trying to cover it up. Yeah, yeah, 0:07:56.640 --> 0:07:58.400 which is which is an interesting one to think about 0:07:58.400 --> 0:08:01.320 because I I often find myself acting like the mascot 0:08:01.840 --> 0:08:05.640 in various environments where you know, I'm going to turn 0:08:05.720 --> 0:08:07.960 to a joke or some sort of you know, whimsical 0:08:08.000 --> 0:08:11.320 observation something of that nature. Um. And at the time 0:08:11.520 --> 0:08:13.800 it will often seem like be thing to do, you know, 0:08:14.520 --> 0:08:17.480 But I guess I'm kind of generally a conflict avoidant person, 0:08:17.560 --> 0:08:19.800 so right, and it's the easy thing to get to 0:08:20.040 --> 0:08:21.640 the problem is that when it goes on and on 0:08:21.680 --> 0:08:24.040 and on and then you get to you have these 0:08:24.080 --> 0:08:29.680 sort of recursive behavioral traits that play out later when 0:08:29.680 --> 0:08:33.280 you're really hiving to deal or grapple with some difficult topics, 0:08:33.360 --> 0:08:34.800 you know, trying to get a little down to your 0:08:34.840 --> 0:08:37.240 real feelings. So it often comes down to am I 0:08:37.240 --> 0:08:39.440 playing the long game or the short game in terms 0:08:39.480 --> 0:08:42.280 of my Thanksgiving? Which could be difficult because when we're 0:08:42.280 --> 0:08:45.640 talking about even the title of this podcast, Surviving Thanksgiving, 0:08:46.000 --> 0:08:47.760 it brings to mind just the idea of, all, right, 0:08:47.760 --> 0:08:51.640 how can I make it through this Thanksgiving uh encounter 0:08:51.679 --> 0:08:54.079 with everyone and and have a positive story at the 0:08:54.200 --> 0:08:57.880 end of it, avoid any pitfalls, and just optimize my Thanksgiving? 0:08:58.000 --> 0:09:01.200 And you're generally thinking about that one Thanksgiving it a 0:09:01.240 --> 0:09:05.560 time if you were planning like three Thanksgivings ahead, Um, 0:09:05.600 --> 0:09:07.400 I would love to meet you, because you found like 0:09:07.679 --> 0:09:11.240 a strange and fascinating Yeah, the rest of us might 0:09:11.240 --> 0:09:13.120 be a little bit overwhelmed by that. And we will 0:09:13.120 --> 0:09:17.280 talk about some coping um mechanisms and behaviors in a moment, 0:09:17.280 --> 0:09:19.319 But let's get through a couple more of these roles, 0:09:20.080 --> 0:09:22.360 the rebel in the mascot. Yeah, and of course then 0:09:22.400 --> 0:09:25.600 you have the good kid or the hero, and that 0:09:25.760 --> 0:09:28.800 is the kid who's trying to fix the family, who 0:09:29.040 --> 0:09:33.600 often assumed the parental role. And at some point I 0:09:33.600 --> 0:09:36.200 think all of this, do you assume the parental role 0:09:36.240 --> 0:09:38.600 with our parents just by virtue of your parents getting 0:09:38.640 --> 0:09:41.120 older and you're taking on more responsibility. But we're talking 0:09:41.200 --> 0:09:45.800 about kids who become the responsible ones of the family 0:09:45.880 --> 0:09:50.000 because there just isn't that support level from the parents, right, 0:09:50.120 --> 0:09:52.000 or you know, sometimes it's they have to jump in 0:09:52.080 --> 0:09:55.160 when it's just something out of the parents, uh sphere 0:09:55.160 --> 0:09:58.120 of influence, or you know, it's a difficult time, you know, 0:09:58.200 --> 0:10:00.720 so I mean it. Yeah. One thing to keep in 0:10:00.760 --> 0:10:03.080 mind with these is that is that you know, one 0:10:03.120 --> 0:10:06.960 person is not necessarily stuck with that that role throughout 0:10:07.000 --> 0:10:09.839 their life or throughout the even even though a single 0:10:09.880 --> 0:10:13.679 Thanksgiving we candidate might change I imagine, although I will say, 0:10:13.880 --> 0:10:16.360 once family dynamics are set, we tend to fall into 0:10:16.360 --> 0:10:19.040 those roles. But you're right, sometimes sometimes kids can change 0:10:19.080 --> 0:10:22.319 those roles, and even in a meaningful and thoughtful way 0:10:22.320 --> 0:10:26.960 as opposed to just relying on the habit of behavior. Um. 0:10:26.960 --> 0:10:30.680 Now another role is the lost or the invisible child, 0:10:30.960 --> 0:10:33.400 and we're talking about the kid who retreats to the 0:10:33.440 --> 0:10:38.320 shadows to avoid conflict and ends up having a hard 0:10:38.320 --> 0:10:41.960 time connecting on a personal level later on because he 0:10:42.120 --> 0:10:45.080 or she is again trying to get away from the 0:10:45.160 --> 0:10:49.079 situation and not confront the feelings or the people surrounding 0:10:49.120 --> 0:10:51.120 that situation. The name on this one was a little 0:10:51.160 --> 0:10:54.040 mis misleading, I felt, because, um, the lost child, it 0:10:54.080 --> 0:10:57.120 does bring to mind like almost ghostfully entity in the 0:10:57.160 --> 0:11:00.559 corner of the things, But it also involves just generally 0:11:00.600 --> 0:11:04.000 externalizing over internalizing. So it could also be the family 0:11:04.040 --> 0:11:06.640 member who you know who visits for Thanksgiving buddies all 0:11:06.800 --> 0:11:08.679 but has to leave to go running and is doing 0:11:08.679 --> 0:11:11.240 their yoga and has also maybe brought their laptop with 0:11:11.320 --> 0:11:13.160 him to do a little work on the side. Is 0:11:13.200 --> 0:11:15.360 just you know, busy, busy, busy, whatever you can do 0:11:15.400 --> 0:11:18.920 to to remain engaged in the external world as opposed 0:11:18.960 --> 0:11:23.560 to the internal world of reflection and remembering and and 0:11:23.559 --> 0:11:27.800 and actually thinking about what's going on with your Thanksgiving holiday. Yeah, 0:11:27.800 --> 0:11:30.240 I think that as the kid or the the adult 0:11:30.400 --> 0:11:32.480 who used to be that kid who looks at maybe 0:11:32.520 --> 0:11:34.640 the rats nest of the family dynamics that says, f 0:11:34.840 --> 0:11:36.960 that I'm going over here to the corner to do 0:11:37.080 --> 0:11:39.760 the following thing. Now, A couple of other roles that 0:11:39.800 --> 0:11:42.040 come up are the caretaker that's the person who may 0:11:42.120 --> 0:11:46.320 assume the emotional well being for the entire family, or 0:11:46.760 --> 0:11:50.120 the mastermind. I thought this was interesting. This is the 0:11:50.200 --> 0:11:53.480 kid who might pounce on other family members shortcomings to 0:11:53.559 --> 0:11:58.559 get what he or she wants, and oftentimes parents will 0:11:58.600 --> 0:12:00.880 just appease the child because they're kind of a pain 0:12:00.880 --> 0:12:05.080 in the butt. Wow. So this really we've really set 0:12:05.080 --> 0:12:08.240 everyone up for a for a frightening Thanksgiving because they 0:12:08.240 --> 0:12:11.720 hear we've talked about the complexities of the social dynamics 0:12:11.800 --> 0:12:15.439 and then these roles, which you know, for the most part, 0:12:15.480 --> 0:12:17.640 I'm not sure anyone would want to take on the 0:12:17.679 --> 0:12:20.680 mantle of any of these roles because they all have 0:12:20.679 --> 0:12:23.560 have at least a little negativity to them and certainly 0:12:23.880 --> 0:12:26.200 play a role in in in what could overall be 0:12:26.240 --> 0:12:28.800 seen as a as a dysfunctional dynamic. And I think 0:12:28.800 --> 0:12:31.120 the key here is the awareness of the role. Do 0:12:31.240 --> 0:12:34.400 you play that role? How? How do you play that role? Um? 0:12:34.520 --> 0:12:37.480 How do you subconsciously do it? Is there a way 0:12:37.480 --> 0:12:41.880 to be with your family and not fall into one 0:12:41.880 --> 0:12:46.479 of these roles which usually is not helping the situation, 0:12:47.000 --> 0:12:49.480 you know. Um, So that's why we bring up because 0:12:49.480 --> 0:12:50.840 we thought, you know, what is it? What is it 0:12:50.880 --> 0:12:53.440 that we're all bringing with us too Thanksgiving? Besides our 0:12:53.480 --> 0:12:55.840 side dishes? And that is one of them the roles 0:12:55.840 --> 0:12:59.439 that we play. Now, alcohol and aggression sometimes can play 0:13:00.240 --> 0:13:03.120 a role here at the table. There's a two thousand 0:13:03.160 --> 0:13:07.199 attendants study carried out by researchers at the Swedish Institute 0:13:07.240 --> 0:13:10.840 for Social Research and the Norwegian Institute for Alcohol and 0:13:10.920 --> 0:13:13.800 Drug Research, and they looked at a loss of control 0:13:13.840 --> 0:13:17.880 and violence UH in conjunction with alcohol use. And this 0:13:18.000 --> 0:13:21.480 was based on surveys from nearly three thousand adolescents and 0:13:21.600 --> 0:13:25.920 young adults in Norway and among individuals who reported a 0:13:26.000 --> 0:13:30.720 high inclination to suppress feelings of anger, a ten percent 0:13:30.920 --> 0:13:34.040 increase in drinking to the point of intoxication was associated 0:13:34.440 --> 0:13:38.280 with a five increase in violence. So the idea here 0:13:38.400 --> 0:13:40.439 is that those who held in their anger were more 0:13:40.480 --> 0:13:43.280 likely to get drunk, and that that drunkenness was linked 0:13:43.280 --> 0:13:47.320 to an increase of the likelihood of getting into a brawl. Yeah. 0:13:47.320 --> 0:13:49.760 I mean think of it this way that in order 0:13:49.800 --> 0:13:52.719 to keep the locks on the anger, it takes a 0:13:52.760 --> 0:13:56.520 certain amount of mental energy. And then when you when 0:13:56.559 --> 0:13:59.240 you drink a little bit too much, you are at 0:13:59.040 --> 0:14:01.439 the more you drink can Thinking of that way, you're 0:14:01.480 --> 0:14:03.959 you're softening those holds on the lock and there's a 0:14:04.080 --> 0:14:07.680 monster behind those doors potentially, And do you really want 0:14:07.760 --> 0:14:11.600 that monster to burst free at Thanksgiving dinner? Yeah, because 0:14:11.600 --> 0:14:14.920 we've talked about this before. Alcohol and loss of control 0:14:15.000 --> 0:14:18.840 in your prefrontal cortex, you know, the executive judgment they're 0:14:18.960 --> 0:14:20.360 sort of saying, you know, and I think I'm gonna 0:14:20.400 --> 0:14:23.400 take a nap here. Yeah. Now. Another study that looked 0:14:23.400 --> 0:14:26.360 into alcohol and aggression was two thousand eleven study and 0:14:26.360 --> 0:14:29.320 this was published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology. 0:14:29.720 --> 0:14:33.600 I looked at four adults uh average age of twenty three, 0:14:33.600 --> 0:14:38.280 who were social drinkers. Um. They all completed the Consideration 0:14:38.320 --> 0:14:41.200 of Future Consequences scale. So definitely one thing to keep 0:14:41.200 --> 0:14:43.440 in mind here is it's it's sort of thinking like, 0:14:43.480 --> 0:14:45.320 am I thinking about just the Thanksgiving? Or am I 0:14:45.400 --> 0:14:49.200 thinking beyond this Thanksgiving? Am I thinking even two or 0:14:49.200 --> 0:14:52.920 three thanksgivings had us long term exactly, uh, and kind 0:14:52.920 --> 0:14:55.760 of setting himself up for disappointment because we've touched before 0:14:56.160 --> 0:15:01.080 on how we're notoriously bad at long term m planning 0:15:01.120 --> 0:15:05.360 and an appreciation of long term risks, etcetera. So they 0:15:05.360 --> 0:15:07.800 all took this U this. They all completed the scale, 0:15:07.840 --> 0:15:10.200 and they indicated how much they agreed with statements like 0:15:10.520 --> 0:15:13.680 I only act to satisfy immediate concerns, figuring the future 0:15:13.720 --> 0:15:16.680 will take care of itself. And uh. Then they engaged 0:15:16.760 --> 0:15:20.520 in a fake shot game. Uh. Basically they were they 0:15:20.520 --> 0:15:21.960 were told that they were, you know, pressing this button 0:15:22.000 --> 0:15:24.240 and somebody else is pressing the button and the loser 0:15:24.280 --> 0:15:27.920 is getting an electric shock. Um, which again is playing 0:15:27.920 --> 0:15:30.400 into some you know, past experiments of sort of just 0:15:30.480 --> 0:15:33.120 how much of a jerk can you be? How can 0:15:33.120 --> 0:15:35.080 you be? How aggressive you can be towards another person 0:15:35.160 --> 0:15:37.720 even if you can't see them. So uh, they found 0:15:37.760 --> 0:15:39.920 they said the less people thought about the future, the 0:15:40.040 --> 0:15:42.960 more likely they were to retaliate, but especially when they 0:15:43.000 --> 0:15:46.080 were drunk. People who were present, focused and drunk shocked 0:15:46.080 --> 0:15:49.080 their opponents longer and harder than anyone else in the study. 0:15:49.240 --> 0:15:52.440 They said, alcohol didn't have much effect on the aggressiveness 0:15:52.440 --> 0:15:55.920 of people who were future focused. So basically, the take 0:15:56.080 --> 0:15:58.560 take home here is that drinking enough alcohol to become 0:15:58.560 --> 0:16:03.280 intoxicated increases aggression significantly in people who lack one particular 0:16:03.320 --> 0:16:07.360 personality trade. Uh. In other words, it plays, it becomes 0:16:07.400 --> 0:16:10.440 a It hasn't a myopic effect on people. It narrows 0:16:10.480 --> 0:16:13.560 your attention to what's important to you right now. So 0:16:13.640 --> 0:16:16.360 if you're not someone who deals with a long term 0:16:16.960 --> 0:16:19.400 in general, and it's just always living for the present, 0:16:19.840 --> 0:16:24.880 which we've talked about as a marker of addictive personalities anyway, um, 0:16:25.000 --> 0:16:27.120 then you're gonna fall prey to this and probably be 0:16:27.240 --> 0:16:30.840 a bit more um aggressive. Yeah, I mean, one way 0:16:30.840 --> 0:16:33.120 to think of it. One possibility is if you if 0:16:33.120 --> 0:16:36.040 your Thanksgiving holiday it tends to involve some sort of 0:16:36.720 --> 0:16:40.360 um navigating of political waters. So you have so you 0:16:40.360 --> 0:16:42.680 have an uncle who is just you know, he's he's 0:16:42.680 --> 0:16:45.800 going to mention, uh, you know, the the most recent 0:16:46.200 --> 0:16:49.120 election and the and the and the current political climate. 0:16:49.120 --> 0:16:52.280 You're gonna bring something up that could potentially push your buttons. Well, 0:16:53.360 --> 0:16:55.520 based on the findings in this study, you know, if 0:16:55.880 --> 0:16:58.800 it could potentially be a very bad idea to to 0:16:58.960 --> 0:17:01.760 have had alcohol, because then you're going to you're gonna 0:17:01.760 --> 0:17:04.280 be even more likely to take that bait and fall 0:17:04.320 --> 0:17:06.679 for that bait and then get into an argument that 0:17:06.720 --> 0:17:09.040 you don't really want to begin with. You know what's 0:17:09.080 --> 0:17:11.720 the point of the argument. Yeah, I'm gonna win your 0:17:11.800 --> 0:17:14.199 uncle over. No, you're just gonna's just gonna make it 0:17:14.240 --> 0:17:17.520 uncomfortable for everybody. I have a family member, a male 0:17:17.600 --> 0:17:20.440 who's older, who turns into an culture for a couple 0:17:20.480 --> 0:17:24.040 of drinks and it's just not pleasant, which brings up 0:17:24.119 --> 0:17:27.160 this idea of the spiral of silence. Because we talked 0:17:27.160 --> 0:17:30.000 about this before, is that a lot of times, if 0:17:30.000 --> 0:17:33.720 someone is very boisterous and their voicing their opinion and 0:17:33.760 --> 0:17:36.919 they seem to be the majority of the group, those 0:17:37.000 --> 0:17:40.560 with minority opinions will recede to the shadows because they 0:17:40.560 --> 0:17:42.560 don't want to be ostracized. And we have a whole 0:17:42.600 --> 0:17:44.919 episode on that. So I was thinking about that in 0:17:45.040 --> 0:17:49.719 terms of Thanksgiving and this idea of suppressing your anger 0:17:49.920 --> 0:17:53.080 and having alcohol and maybe not feeling as though you 0:17:53.160 --> 0:17:55.000 have a voice in the matter, and it sort of 0:17:55.040 --> 0:17:59.359 compounds the entire situation. All Right, Well, we're gonna have 0:17:59.400 --> 0:18:02.200 an uncomfortable silence, and then we're gonna have a break. 0:18:02.680 --> 0:18:05.080 And when we come back, we are going to roll 0:18:05.119 --> 0:18:09.040 out some some suggestions, some ways to to deal with 0:18:09.040 --> 0:18:14.720 with whatever kind of challenges your holiday encounters may provide you. 0:18:21.440 --> 0:18:24.119 All Right, we're back. So as you're listening to this, 0:18:24.320 --> 0:18:26.600 perhaps you're even in the car and you're you're driving 0:18:26.720 --> 0:18:30.280 to your your Thanksgiving encounter or some other holiday encounter, 0:18:30.359 --> 0:18:32.879 some of the kind of family get together. Um, you 0:18:32.920 --> 0:18:34.960 may be wondering, what we've talked about, all of these 0:18:35.000 --> 0:18:38.119 these dangers and pitfalls, But what what can I do? 0:18:38.200 --> 0:18:42.280 Aside from maybe you know, reevaluate my consumption of alcohol 0:18:42.520 --> 0:18:46.399 at this year's festivities. You can do something that is 0:18:46.520 --> 0:18:51.240 so elegantly simple and yet so hard to pull off. 0:18:51.920 --> 0:18:56.639 Go to go to Disneyland instead. That is sort of 0:18:56.680 --> 0:18:59.920 simple in concept, right, but there are some moving parts 0:18:59.520 --> 0:19:04.720 that stay the course. Okay, I'm thinking more of gratitude. Ah, well, 0:19:04.720 --> 0:19:09.119 it's Thanksgiving, right, that's the supposedly the whole point. Be 0:19:09.280 --> 0:19:11.600 thankful for what you have and what you know. Be 0:19:11.640 --> 0:19:14.720 thankful for the people in your life, even if the annoys. 0:19:14.840 --> 0:19:17.800 Sometimes even if you don't NECESSI the eyed eye to everything, 0:19:18.160 --> 0:19:21.000 focus on what you should be grateful for. Be thankful 0:19:21.040 --> 0:19:22.919 for the bounty on the table, and so on and 0:19:22.960 --> 0:19:25.280 so forth. So yeah, it turns out that this is 0:19:25.359 --> 0:19:29.040 actually sort of the panacea. This is this is the 0:19:29.720 --> 0:19:32.080 shot in the arm that we all need to get 0:19:32.080 --> 0:19:36.360 through Thanksgiving. And gratitude is important. We've heard a lot 0:19:36.400 --> 0:19:38.720 about it, I think, I feel like in popular culture 0:19:38.760 --> 0:19:41.760 over the last five years or so. And it's a 0:19:41.800 --> 0:19:45.159 part of positive psychology, and John Tierney, writing for The 0:19:45.160 --> 0:19:48.680 New York Times, describes it this way. He says, cultivating 0:19:48.720 --> 0:19:52.879 an attitude of gratitude has been linked to better health, 0:19:53.440 --> 0:19:57.520 sound or sleep, less anxiety and depression, higher long term 0:19:57.520 --> 0:20:02.520 satisfaction with life, and kinder behavior towards others, including romantic partners. 0:20:03.480 --> 0:20:06.000 It's all it's all win win stuff, right. Yeah. Now, 0:20:06.040 --> 0:20:11.080 that one caveat there, though, is don't confuse gratitude with indebtedness, Like, 0:20:11.160 --> 0:20:14.800 don't don't take gratitude gratitude and then twist it into 0:20:15.160 --> 0:20:18.639 some sort of a tool or weapon to use against others. 0:20:18.640 --> 0:20:21.160 You have to, you have to to draw the line 0:20:21.200 --> 0:20:24.800 somewhat well. To me, that falls in the category of integrity, right. 0:20:24.840 --> 0:20:27.760 You don't do something to be recognized for you do something, 0:20:27.760 --> 0:20:29.920 if you're doing an act of integrity, it's something that's 0:20:29.920 --> 0:20:33.760 the right thing to do, right, and maybe someone doesn't 0:20:33.800 --> 0:20:37.199 even know that it happened. And so gratitude is the 0:20:37.240 --> 0:20:40.399 same in that respect, where you're just trying to be 0:20:40.440 --> 0:20:43.880 a good, kind person and the appreciative for the things 0:20:43.880 --> 0:20:45.480 in front of you, the things that you can count 0:20:46.160 --> 0:20:50.040 as really enriching your life. So the question is like, 0:20:50.119 --> 0:20:55.080 to what degree does this actually impact your experience around 0:20:55.080 --> 0:20:58.000 something like a holiday like Thanksgiving? So indeed, okay, this 0:20:58.080 --> 0:21:01.760 cultivated attitude of gratitude, how's it going to help when 0:21:02.160 --> 0:21:05.359 when when the the the uncle starts starts into a 0:21:05.359 --> 0:21:08.280 political tirade. But here's a little story about how if 0:21:08.320 --> 0:21:11.240 you don't cultivate it, you're gonna be in big trouble. 0:21:11.520 --> 0:21:13.880 And this was from the Journal of Positive Psychology. There's 0:21:13.920 --> 0:21:17.600 paper by Alan at All that was published in volume eight, 0:21:17.720 --> 0:21:20.640 issue two in two thousand and thirteen. What they did 0:21:20.760 --> 0:21:23.520 is they followed a hundred and seventy two college students 0:21:23.560 --> 0:21:28.479 for three weeks around Thanksgiving. They tracked gratitude, positive effect, 0:21:28.520 --> 0:21:34.240 and life satisfaction through these diary style entries and researchers 0:21:34.240 --> 0:21:38.480 saw a significant bump in both gratitude and positive effect 0:21:38.800 --> 0:21:42.560 on Thanksgiving. Um for that one day, people were more 0:21:42.600 --> 0:21:47.639 thankful and felt more positive overall. But they took those results. 0:21:47.640 --> 0:21:49.879 But they did some math here, and the authors found, 0:21:50.280 --> 0:21:54.840 not surprisingly that the relationship between Thanksgiving and life satisfaction 0:21:55.000 --> 0:21:59.520 varied by participants. They also found that when daily fluctuations 0:21:59.560 --> 0:22:04.440 and gratitude were controlled for daily life satisfaction and positive effect, 0:22:04.480 --> 0:22:08.720 we're actually lower during the holiday. So what is this 0:22:08.800 --> 0:22:10.840 telling us? This telling us? This is telling us that 0:22:11.440 --> 0:22:14.280 people who were more grateful on Thanksgiving were likely to 0:22:14.320 --> 0:22:17.960 have experienced increased well being over the holiday. Conversely, those 0:22:18.000 --> 0:22:22.520 who were less grateful felt uh a sense of less 0:22:22.560 --> 0:22:29.600 well being and a sense of meaninglessness. So again we're 0:22:29.640 --> 0:22:34.240 talking here about the negative effects of Thanksgiving being counteractive 0:22:34.359 --> 0:22:39.359 by actually being grateful and engaging in acts of gratitude. 0:22:39.680 --> 0:22:42.520