1
00:00:03,200 --> 00:00:06,080
Speaker 1: Welcome to stuff to Blow your Mind from how Stuff

2
00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:13,320
Speaker 1: Works dot com. Hey, you're welcome to stuff to blow

3
00:00:13,360 --> 00:00:15,920
Speaker 1: your mind. My name is Robert Lamb and I'm Julie Douglass.

4
00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:20,400
Speaker 1: And we are spiraling into the holidays now, the free fall,

5
00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:22,240
Speaker 1: the free fall, yeah, the way I like to think

6
00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:24,840
Speaker 1: of it, We're done with Halloween, the the sort of

7
00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:33,760
Speaker 1: fantastic appreciation culmination of the years wonderful events wrought in horror, right,

8
00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:36,720
Speaker 1: But now we leave, we leave those imagined horrors behind

9
00:00:36,720 --> 00:00:40,080
Speaker 1: and we get into the true horrors of the holidays.

10
00:00:40,159 --> 00:00:42,800
Speaker 1: I know. And now I'm just imagining, like a hitchcocky

11
00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:45,599
Speaker 1: in vertigo thing, all of us falling into this spiral

12
00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:50,360
Speaker 1: of Thanksgiving and then the winter holidays and then winter

13
00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:53,080
Speaker 1: really setting into our bones. It's it can be a

14
00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:57,840
Speaker 1: very difficult time, I find, you know, especially the sort

15
00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:02,520
Speaker 1: of modern pop culture version of the holidays that we

16
00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:05,959
Speaker 1: have here in the West, with with with Thanksgiving and

17
00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:08,240
Speaker 1: UH and the and Christmas. And when I have you

18
00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:12,640
Speaker 1: as well, because you you constantly bombarded with these idealized

19
00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:16,199
Speaker 1: images of what it should be of this uh, you know, this,

20
00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:20,800
Speaker 1: this Norman Rockwell family setting around Thanksgiving dinner, these you know,

21
00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:25,200
Speaker 1: old timey Christmas images of people, you know, gathered around

22
00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:28,560
Speaker 1: the fireplace on Christmas Eve, all that kind of stuff.

23
00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:30,760
Speaker 1: So you're having to deal with these these visions that

24
00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:33,880
Speaker 1: don't really match up with reality all that much. And

25
00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:37,000
Speaker 1: then you're also dealing with all the the added complexities

26
00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:39,960
Speaker 1: of your life, the social dynamics of your family, and

27
00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:43,360
Speaker 1: uh it can. And meanwhile, the world is growing darker,

28
00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:46,720
Speaker 1: the world is growing colder, and uh and and I think,

29
00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:50,120
Speaker 1: you know, tapping into some of those primordial fears. Will

30
00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:53,840
Speaker 1: will the sun come back? Will warm times and and

31
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:57,400
Speaker 1: harvest return to us? Or is this the eternal night?

32
00:01:57,720 --> 00:02:02,000
Speaker 1: Will that Thanksgiving turkey ever be done? That? And I

33
00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:05,000
Speaker 1: was thinking about this, that the family dynamics on a

34
00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:09,480
Speaker 1: typical Thanksgiving American Thanksgiving celebration, because again, you you brought

35
00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:12,200
Speaker 1: up Rockwell and there's this idea of the gathering and

36
00:02:12,919 --> 00:02:16,280
Speaker 1: everybody gathering at the table and breaking bread. And then

37
00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:19,000
Speaker 1: I thought, what does that really look like? And this

38
00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:21,160
Speaker 1: is definitely a generalization what I'm about to say, but

39
00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:23,600
Speaker 1: I thought, you know, what's pretty typical is that you

40
00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:27,400
Speaker 1: have a mom or some other matriarchal member of the

41
00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:31,639
Speaker 1: family slaving away in the kitchen, you know, elbows up

42
00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:35,400
Speaker 1: to like turkey guts and stuffing and a little bitter

43
00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:38,239
Speaker 1: about it. Right. And then in the other room, you

44
00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:42,080
Speaker 1: might have a dad or a patriarchal figure sitting, you know,

45
00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:45,320
Speaker 1: in the chair with the football game on, and all

46
00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:48,840
Speaker 1: the other kids or you know, other family members gathered

47
00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:54,120
Speaker 1: around all watching football in silence. And that's you know,

48
00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:56,760
Speaker 1: that's kind of a sort of a typical thing. Again,

49
00:02:56,840 --> 00:02:59,680
Speaker 1: this is the generalization, and not every family is like that,

50
00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:04,400
Speaker 1: but it doesn't it doesn't ring like this warm family gathering.

51
00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:07,359
Speaker 1: It feels more like this sort of forced Okay, we're

52
00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:11,480
Speaker 1: all going to sit together and observe a holiday. And

53
00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:15,280
Speaker 1: that is when you get to have those family dynamics

54
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:19,720
Speaker 1: sort of hanging above the Thanksgiving table like a thick fog,

55
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:23,200
Speaker 1: because you know, within that you have all of the

56
00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:25,800
Speaker 1: roles of the past that we've played, You've have certain

57
00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:29,600
Speaker 1: aggressions in the family being played out sometimes and and

58
00:03:29,639 --> 00:03:32,000
Speaker 1: it can be a really stressful holiday for people in

59
00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:34,600
Speaker 1: that way. Yeah, I mean, I mean, if nothing else,

60
00:03:34,639 --> 00:03:38,080
Speaker 1: and we're all completely changing over time. So you have

61
00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:41,080
Speaker 1: these families getting back together now you know, everyone not

62
00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:43,360
Speaker 1: everyone is u is at the same place they used

63
00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:45,840
Speaker 1: to be in there, and and also you find yourself

64
00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:49,840
Speaker 1: falling back into former modes of behavior and being. I've

65
00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:51,880
Speaker 1: talked with friends about this before, talking about like how

66
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:56,000
Speaker 1: long is a is an optimal visit, especially around siblings,

67
00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:58,920
Speaker 1: because it seems like day one and day two are

68
00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:02,320
Speaker 1: great because you're still your your outside, you're grown up self.

69
00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:04,840
Speaker 1: But if you're around your siblings too much, then you

70
00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:09,560
Speaker 1: start falling into old sibling modes, which can be a

71
00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:13,200
Speaker 1: little stressful. I agree. And um, someone told me this

72
00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:15,920
Speaker 1: the other day. They thought they said, if you think

73
00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:19,080
Speaker 1: that you have achieved in, just get around your family

74
00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:22,120
Speaker 1: for a weekend and see if you really achieved in. Because,

75
00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:24,480
Speaker 1: as you say, even though you have your grown up

76
00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:28,280
Speaker 1: self and you have face challenges on your own and

77
00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:32,279
Speaker 1: you've grown, it's really easy to fall into these family roles,

78
00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:37,640
Speaker 1: especially if there's a dysfunctional element to the family. Indeed,

79
00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:40,640
Speaker 1: an't and I think there's there's often a bit of

80
00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:42,880
Speaker 1: dysfunction at least in any kind of family, and it's

81
00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:45,599
Speaker 1: kind of inevitable. It's it's there are a number of

82
00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:48,720
Speaker 1: moving parts and as this machine has to turn on

83
00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:52,880
Speaker 1: over the years, over decades, Uh, they're they're gonna get

84
00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:55,640
Speaker 1: some some kinks in the machinery. And uh, and that's

85
00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:57,840
Speaker 1: just part of living, Yeah, because you have to think

86
00:04:57,839 --> 00:04:59,839
Speaker 1: about a family as a sort of a living, breathing

87
00:04:59,839 --> 00:05:03,360
Speaker 1: thing that's ebbing and flowing and changing. The dynamics are

88
00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:06,520
Speaker 1: changing based on life events and challenges in that family.

89
00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:10,279
Speaker 1: And this is from Lisa Miles writing for psych Central.

90
00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:16,080
Speaker 1: She says, conflict, neglect, abuse of all sorts, shame, conditional love,

91
00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:23,280
Speaker 1: faulty disciplinary styles, gender prejudice, sexuality, intolerance, denial of feelings,

92
00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:29,240
Speaker 1: and family facts which is interesting, emotional disregulation, rampant anxiety,

93
00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:33,560
Speaker 1: and much more are ever present in such families as

94
00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:39,080
Speaker 1: she just described pretty much everybody populating the earth, I think. So, yeah, enemy,

95
00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:41,320
Speaker 1: and on top of that, you do have these you

96
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:44,120
Speaker 1: do have all these great memories as well perhaps you

97
00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:46,480
Speaker 1: know you may have you have these things that are

98
00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:49,960
Speaker 1: trying you all together beyond just just blood or living

99
00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:53,640
Speaker 1: arrangements or shared histories. Um. But yeah, it becomes a

100
00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:56,800
Speaker 1: very just complicated dynamic that does not match up with

101
00:05:56,839 --> 00:06:00,000
Speaker 1: that Norman Rockwell painting that is not what he painted

102
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,600
Speaker 1: and or was on the cover of a magazine. This

103
00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:05,560
Speaker 1: is uh, this is real life and there's so many

104
00:06:05,600 --> 00:06:08,360
Speaker 1: moving parts to it. Yeah, which leads adult children of

105
00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:12,240
Speaker 1: dysfunctional families to assume one of several roles at the

106
00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:15,200
Speaker 1: Thanksgiving table. Yeah, now this is this was an interesting

107
00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:18,360
Speaker 1: reading about this. Uh. I think that it ranges from

108
00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:20,880
Speaker 1: four to six tend to be the given roles, right

109
00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:26,360
Speaker 1: and uh and you know it it it's what fighter, thief, wizard.

110
00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:32,120
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, that's now the first one will mention here

111
00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:35,960
Speaker 1: the rebel and you can if you cannot identify the

112
00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:39,760
Speaker 1: rebel in your own family environment or in those of friends,

113
00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:42,400
Speaker 1: then you've definitely seen it in the media or you've

114
00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:46,080
Speaker 1: read it in a novel. Uh. This is the you know,

115
00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:48,560
Speaker 1: generally generally the kid who's uh, who's always out there

116
00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:51,440
Speaker 1: getting into trouble, getting into some sort of mischief and

117
00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:56,440
Speaker 1: also often serving as a scapegoat for other members of

118
00:06:56,440 --> 00:06:59,920
Speaker 1: the family unit, so that not only is there misbeha

119
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:04,240
Speaker 1: of your a self expression, they become this uh, this,

120
00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:07,560
Speaker 1: this o this uh, this mechanism that other members of

121
00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:12,680
Speaker 1: the family turned to to divert attention, to divert blame, etcetera. Yeah,

122
00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:16,920
Speaker 1: it's kind of the Lindsay Lohan of the family the Lilo, right, um.

123
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:20,160
Speaker 1: And that's where that's where it's problematic as a scapegoat part,

124
00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:23,040
Speaker 1: because any of the core problems tend to get glossed

125
00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:26,120
Speaker 1: over because everybody's looking at the kid who wants some

126
00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:29,720
Speaker 1: sort of attention, you know, even if it's negative attention. Um.

127
00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:32,360
Speaker 1: And then you have something which I sometimes thinks the

128
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:35,560
Speaker 1: rebel bleeds into this, the mascot or the clown, and

129
00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:39,880
Speaker 1: that's the kid who is using comedy to help alleviate tensions.

130
00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:41,600
Speaker 1: And of course the problem with that is that if

131
00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:45,240
Speaker 1: you're always playing the clown, then you're not really observing

132
00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:49,400
Speaker 1: your own true feelings or allowing those feelings to be shown,

133
00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:52,800
Speaker 1: or even really allowing those tensions to play out because

134
00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:56,480
Speaker 1: you're too busy trying to cover it up. Yeah, yeah,

135
00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:58,400
Speaker 1: which is which is an interesting one to think about

136
00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:01,320
Speaker 1: because I I often find myself acting like the mascot

137
00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:05,640
Speaker 1: in various environments where you know, I'm going to turn

138
00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:07,960
Speaker 1: to a joke or some sort of you know, whimsical

139
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:11,320
Speaker 1: observation something of that nature. Um. And at the time

140
00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:13,800
Speaker 1: it will often seem like be thing to do, you know,

141
00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:17,480
Speaker 1: But I guess I'm kind of generally a conflict avoidant person,

142
00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:19,800
Speaker 1: so right, and it's the easy thing to get to

143
00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:21,640
Speaker 1: the problem is that when it goes on and on

144
00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:24,040
Speaker 1: and on and then you get to you have these

145
00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:29,680
Speaker 1: sort of recursive behavioral traits that play out later when

146
00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:33,280
Speaker 1: you're really hiving to deal or grapple with some difficult topics,

147
00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:34,800
Speaker 1: you know, trying to get a little down to your

148
00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:37,240
Speaker 1: real feelings. So it often comes down to am I

149
00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:39,440
Speaker 1: playing the long game or the short game in terms

150
00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:42,280
Speaker 1: of my Thanksgiving? Which could be difficult because when we're

151
00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:45,640
Speaker 1: talking about even the title of this podcast, Surviving Thanksgiving,

152
00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:47,760
Speaker 1: it brings to mind just the idea of, all, right,

153
00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:51,640
Speaker 1: how can I make it through this Thanksgiving uh encounter

154
00:08:51,679 --> 00:08:54,079
Speaker 1: with everyone and and have a positive story at the

155
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:57,880
Speaker 1: end of it, avoid any pitfalls, and just optimize my Thanksgiving?

156
00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:01,200
Speaker 1: And you're generally thinking about that one Thanksgiving it a

157
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:05,560
Speaker 1: time if you were planning like three Thanksgivings ahead, Um,

158
00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:07,400
Speaker 1: I would love to meet you, because you found like

159
00:09:07,679 --> 00:09:11,240
Speaker 1: a strange and fascinating Yeah, the rest of us might

160
00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:13,120
Speaker 1: be a little bit overwhelmed by that. And we will

161
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:17,280
Speaker 1: talk about some coping um mechanisms and behaviors in a moment,

162
00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:19,319
Speaker 1: But let's get through a couple more of these roles,

163
00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:22,360
Speaker 1: the rebel in the mascot. Yeah, and of course then

164
00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:25,600
Speaker 1: you have the good kid or the hero, and that

165
00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:28,800
Speaker 1: is the kid who's trying to fix the family, who

166
00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:33,600
Speaker 1: often assumed the parental role. And at some point I

167
00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:36,200
Speaker 1: think all of this, do you assume the parental role

168
00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:38,600
Speaker 1: with our parents just by virtue of your parents getting

169
00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:41,120
Speaker 1: older and you're taking on more responsibility. But we're talking

170
00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:45,800
Speaker 1: about kids who become the responsible ones of the family

171
00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:50,000
Speaker 1: because there just isn't that support level from the parents, right,

172
00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:52,000
Speaker 1: or you know, sometimes it's they have to jump in

173
00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:55,160
Speaker 1: when it's just something out of the parents, uh sphere

174
00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:58,120
Speaker 1: of influence, or you know, it's a difficult time, you know,

175
00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:00,720
Speaker 1: so I mean it. Yeah. One thing to keep in

176
00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:03,080
Speaker 1: mind with these is that is that you know, one

177
00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:06,960
Speaker 1: person is not necessarily stuck with that that role throughout

178
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:09,839
Speaker 1: their life or throughout the even even though a single

179
00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:13,679
Speaker 1: Thanksgiving we candidate might change I imagine, although I will say,

180
00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:16,360
Speaker 1: once family dynamics are set, we tend to fall into

181
00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:19,040
Speaker 1: those roles. But you're right, sometimes sometimes kids can change

182
00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:22,319
Speaker 1: those roles, and even in a meaningful and thoughtful way

183
00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:26,960
Speaker 1: as opposed to just relying on the habit of behavior. Um.

184
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:30,680
Speaker 1: Now another role is the lost or the invisible child,

185
00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:33,400
Speaker 1: and we're talking about the kid who retreats to the

186
00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:38,320
Speaker 1: shadows to avoid conflict and ends up having a hard

187
00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:41,960
Speaker 1: time connecting on a personal level later on because he

188
00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:45,080
Speaker 1: or she is again trying to get away from the

189
00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:49,079
Speaker 1: situation and not confront the feelings or the people surrounding

190
00:10:49,120 --> 00:10:51,120
Speaker 1: that situation. The name on this one was a little

191
00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:54,040
Speaker 1: mis misleading, I felt, because, um, the lost child, it

192
00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:57,120
Speaker 1: does bring to mind like almost ghostfully entity in the

193
00:10:57,160 --> 00:11:00,559
Speaker 1: corner of the things, But it also involves just generally

194
00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:04,000
Speaker 1: externalizing over internalizing. So it could also be the family

195
00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:06,640
Speaker 1: member who you know who visits for Thanksgiving buddies all

196
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:08,679
Speaker 1: but has to leave to go running and is doing

197
00:11:08,679 --> 00:11:11,240
Speaker 1: their yoga and has also maybe brought their laptop with

198
00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:13,160
Speaker 1: him to do a little work on the side. Is

199
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:15,360
Speaker 1: just you know, busy, busy, busy, whatever you can do

200
00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:18,920
Speaker 1: to to remain engaged in the external world as opposed

201
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:23,560
Speaker 1: to the internal world of reflection and remembering and and

202
00:11:23,559 --> 00:11:27,800
Speaker 1: and actually thinking about what's going on with your Thanksgiving holiday. Yeah,

203
00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:30,240
Speaker 1: I think that as the kid or the the adult

204
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:32,480
Speaker 1: who used to be that kid who looks at maybe

205
00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:34,640
Speaker 1: the rats nest of the family dynamics that says, f

206
00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:36,960
Speaker 1: that I'm going over here to the corner to do

207
00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:39,760
Speaker 1: the following thing. Now, A couple of other roles that

208
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,040
Speaker 1: come up are the caretaker that's the person who may

209
00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:46,320
Speaker 1: assume the emotional well being for the entire family, or

210
00:11:46,760 --> 00:11:50,120
Speaker 1: the mastermind. I thought this was interesting. This is the

211
00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:53,480
Speaker 1: kid who might pounce on other family members shortcomings to

212
00:11:53,559 --> 00:11:58,559
Speaker 1: get what he or she wants, and oftentimes parents will

213
00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:00,880
Speaker 1: just appease the child because they're kind of a pain

214
00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:05,080
Speaker 1: in the butt. Wow. So this really we've really set

215
00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:08,240
Speaker 1: everyone up for a for a frightening Thanksgiving because they

216
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:11,720
Speaker 1: hear we've talked about the complexities of the social dynamics

217
00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:15,439
Speaker 1: and then these roles, which you know, for the most part,

218
00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:17,640
Speaker 1: I'm not sure anyone would want to take on the

219
00:12:17,679 --> 00:12:20,680
Speaker 1: mantle of any of these roles because they all have

220
00:12:20,679 --> 00:12:23,560
Speaker 1: have at least a little negativity to them and certainly

221
00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:26,200
Speaker 1: play a role in in in what could overall be

222
00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:28,800
Speaker 1: seen as a as a dysfunctional dynamic. And I think

223
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:31,120
Speaker 1: the key here is the awareness of the role. Do

224
00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:34,400
Speaker 1: you play that role? How? How do you play that role? Um?

225
00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:37,480
Speaker 1: How do you subconsciously do it? Is there a way

226
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:41,880
Speaker 1: to be with your family and not fall into one

227
00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:46,479
Speaker 1: of these roles which usually is not helping the situation,

228
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,480
Speaker 1: you know. Um, So that's why we bring up because

229
00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:50,840
Speaker 1: we thought, you know, what is it? What is it

230
00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:53,440
Speaker 1: that we're all bringing with us too Thanksgiving? Besides our

231
00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:55,840
Speaker 1: side dishes? And that is one of them the roles

232
00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:59,439
Speaker 1: that we play. Now, alcohol and aggression sometimes can play

233
00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:03,120
Speaker 1: a role here at the table. There's a two thousand

234
00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:07,199
Speaker 1: attendants study carried out by researchers at the Swedish Institute

235
00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:10,840
Speaker 1: for Social Research and the Norwegian Institute for Alcohol and

236
00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:13,800
Speaker 1: Drug Research, and they looked at a loss of control

237
00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:17,880
Speaker 1: and violence UH in conjunction with alcohol use. And this

238
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:21,480
Speaker 1: was based on surveys from nearly three thousand adolescents and

239
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:25,920
Speaker 1: young adults in Norway and among individuals who reported a

240
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:30,720
Speaker 1: high inclination to suppress feelings of anger, a ten percent

241
00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:34,040
Speaker 1: increase in drinking to the point of intoxication was associated

242
00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:38,280
Speaker 1: with a five increase in violence. So the idea here

243
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:40,439
Speaker 1: is that those who held in their anger were more

244
00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:43,280
Speaker 1: likely to get drunk, and that that drunkenness was linked

245
00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:47,320
Speaker 1: to an increase of the likelihood of getting into a brawl. Yeah.

246
00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:49,760
Speaker 1: I mean think of it this way that in order

247
00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:52,719
Speaker 1: to keep the locks on the anger, it takes a

248
00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:56,520
Speaker 1: certain amount of mental energy. And then when you when

249
00:13:56,559 --> 00:13:59,240
Speaker 1: you drink a little bit too much, you are at

250
00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:01,439
Speaker 1: the more you drink can Thinking of that way, you're

251
00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:03,959
Speaker 1: you're softening those holds on the lock and there's a

252
00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:07,680
Speaker 1: monster behind those doors potentially, And do you really want

253
00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:11,600
Speaker 1: that monster to burst free at Thanksgiving dinner? Yeah, because

254
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:14,920
Speaker 1: we've talked about this before. Alcohol and loss of control

255
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:18,840
Speaker 1: in your prefrontal cortex, you know, the executive judgment they're

256
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:20,360
Speaker 1: sort of saying, you know, and I think I'm gonna

257
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:23,400
Speaker 1: take a nap here. Yeah. Now. Another study that looked

258
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:26,360
Speaker 1: into alcohol and aggression was two thousand eleven study and

259
00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:29,320
Speaker 1: this was published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology.

260
00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:33,600
Speaker 1: I looked at four adults uh average age of twenty three,

261
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:38,280
Speaker 1: who were social drinkers. Um. They all completed the Consideration

262
00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:41,200
Speaker 1: of Future Consequences scale. So definitely one thing to keep

263
00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:43,440
Speaker 1: in mind here is it's it's sort of thinking like,

264
00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:45,320
Speaker 1: am I thinking about just the Thanksgiving? Or am I

265
00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:49,200
Speaker 1: thinking beyond this Thanksgiving? Am I thinking even two or

266
00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:52,920
Speaker 1: three thanksgivings had us long term exactly, uh, and kind

267
00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:55,760
Speaker 1: of setting himself up for disappointment because we've touched before

268
00:14:56,160 --> 00:15:01,080
Speaker 1: on how we're notoriously bad at long term m planning

269
00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:05,360
Speaker 1: and an appreciation of long term risks, etcetera. So they

270
00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:07,800
Speaker 1: all took this U this. They all completed the scale,

271
00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:10,200
Speaker 1: and they indicated how much they agreed with statements like

272
00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:13,680
Speaker 1: I only act to satisfy immediate concerns, figuring the future

273
00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:16,680
Speaker 1: will take care of itself. And uh. Then they engaged

274
00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:20,520
Speaker 1: in a fake shot game. Uh. Basically they were they

275
00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:21,960
Speaker 1: were told that they were, you know, pressing this button

276
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:24,240
Speaker 1: and somebody else is pressing the button and the loser

277
00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:27,920
Speaker 1: is getting an electric shock. Um, which again is playing

278
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:30,400
Speaker 1: into some you know, past experiments of sort of just

279
00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:33,120
Speaker 1: how much of a jerk can you be? How can

280
00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:35,080
Speaker 1: you be? How aggressive you can be towards another person

281
00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:37,720
Speaker 1: even if you can't see them. So uh, they found

282
00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:39,920
Speaker 1: they said the less people thought about the future, the

283
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:42,960
Speaker 1: more likely they were to retaliate, but especially when they

284
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:46,080
Speaker 1: were drunk. People who were present, focused and drunk shocked

285
00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:49,080
Speaker 1: their opponents longer and harder than anyone else in the study.

286
00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:52,440
Speaker 1: They said, alcohol didn't have much effect on the aggressiveness

287
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:55,920
Speaker 1: of people who were future focused. So basically, the take

288
00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:58,560
Speaker 1: take home here is that drinking enough alcohol to become

289
00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:03,280
Speaker 1: intoxicated increases aggression significantly in people who lack one particular

290
00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:07,360
Speaker 1: personality trade. Uh. In other words, it plays, it becomes

291
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:10,440
Speaker 1: a It hasn't a myopic effect on people. It narrows

292
00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:13,560
Speaker 1: your attention to what's important to you right now. So

293
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:16,360
Speaker 1: if you're not someone who deals with a long term

294
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:19,400
Speaker 1: in general, and it's just always living for the present,

295
00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:24,880
Speaker 1: which we've talked about as a marker of addictive personalities anyway, um,

296
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:27,120
Speaker 1: then you're gonna fall prey to this and probably be

297
00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:30,840
Speaker 1: a bit more um aggressive. Yeah, I mean, one way

298
00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:33,120
Speaker 1: to think of it. One possibility is if you if

299
00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:36,040
Speaker 1: your Thanksgiving holiday it tends to involve some sort of

300
00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:40,360
Speaker 1: um navigating of political waters. So you have so you

301
00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:42,680
Speaker 1: have an uncle who is just you know, he's he's

302
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:45,800
Speaker 1: going to mention, uh, you know, the the most recent

303
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:49,120
Speaker 1: election and the and the and the current political climate.

304
00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:52,280
Speaker 1: You're gonna bring something up that could potentially push your buttons. Well,

305
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:55,520
Speaker 1: based on the findings in this study, you know, if

306
00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:58,800
Speaker 1: it could potentially be a very bad idea to to

307
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:01,760
Speaker 1: have had alcohol, because then you're going to you're gonna

308
00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:04,280
Speaker 1: be even more likely to take that bait and fall

309
00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:06,679
Speaker 1: for that bait and then get into an argument that

310
00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:09,040
Speaker 1: you don't really want to begin with. You know what's

311
00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:11,720
Speaker 1: the point of the argument. Yeah, I'm gonna win your

312
00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:14,199
Speaker 1: uncle over. No, you're just gonna's just gonna make it

313
00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:17,520
Speaker 1: uncomfortable for everybody. I have a family member, a male

314
00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:20,440
Speaker 1: who's older, who turns into an culture for a couple

315
00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:24,040
Speaker 1: of drinks and it's just not pleasant, which brings up

316
00:17:24,119 --> 00:17:27,160
Speaker 1: this idea of the spiral of silence. Because we talked

317
00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:30,000
Speaker 1: about this before, is that a lot of times, if

318
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:33,720
Speaker 1: someone is very boisterous and their voicing their opinion and

319
00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:36,919
Speaker 1: they seem to be the majority of the group, those

320
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:40,560
Speaker 1: with minority opinions will recede to the shadows because they

321
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,560
Speaker 1: don't want to be ostracized. And we have a whole

322
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:44,919
Speaker 1: episode on that. So I was thinking about that in

323
00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:49,719
Speaker 1: terms of Thanksgiving and this idea of suppressing your anger

324
00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:53,080
Speaker 1: and having alcohol and maybe not feeling as though you

325
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:55,000
Speaker 1: have a voice in the matter, and it sort of

326
00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:59,359
Speaker 1: compounds the entire situation. All Right, Well, we're gonna have

327
00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:02,200
Speaker 1: an uncomfortable silence, and then we're gonna have a break.

328
00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:05,080
Speaker 1: And when we come back, we are going to roll

329
00:18:05,119 --> 00:18:09,040
Speaker 1: out some some suggestions, some ways to to deal with

330
00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:14,720
Speaker 1: with whatever kind of challenges your holiday encounters may provide you.

331
00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:24,119
Speaker 1: All Right, we're back. So as you're listening to this,

332
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:26,600
Speaker 1: perhaps you're even in the car and you're you're driving

333
00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:30,280
Speaker 1: to your your Thanksgiving encounter or some other holiday encounter,

334
00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:32,879
Speaker 1: some of the kind of family get together. Um, you

335
00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:34,960
Speaker 1: may be wondering, what we've talked about, all of these

336
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:38,119
Speaker 1: these dangers and pitfalls, But what what can I do?

337
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:42,280
Speaker 1: Aside from maybe you know, reevaluate my consumption of alcohol

338
00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:46,399
Speaker 1: at this year's festivities. You can do something that is

339
00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:51,240
Speaker 1: so elegantly simple and yet so hard to pull off.

340
00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:56,639
Speaker 1: Go to go to Disneyland instead. That is sort of

341
00:18:56,680 --> 00:18:59,920
Speaker 1: simple in concept, right, but there are some moving parts

342
00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:04,720
Speaker 1: that stay the course. Okay, I'm thinking more of gratitude. Ah, well,

343
00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:09,119
Speaker 1: it's Thanksgiving, right, that's the supposedly the whole point. Be

344
00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:11,600
Speaker 1: thankful for what you have and what you know. Be

345
00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:14,720
Speaker 1: thankful for the people in your life, even if the annoys.

346
00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:17,800
Speaker 1: Sometimes even if you don't NECESSI the eyed eye to everything,

347
00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:21,000
Speaker 1: focus on what you should be grateful for. Be thankful

348
00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:22,919
Speaker 1: for the bounty on the table, and so on and

349
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:25,280
Speaker 1: so forth. So yeah, it turns out that this is

350
00:19:25,359 --> 00:19:29,040
Speaker 1: actually sort of the panacea. This is this is the

351
00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:32,080
Speaker 1: shot in the arm that we all need to get

352
00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:36,360
Speaker 1: through Thanksgiving. And gratitude is important. We've heard a lot

353
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:38,720
Speaker 1: about it, I think, I feel like in popular culture

354
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:41,760
Speaker 1: over the last five years or so. And it's a

355
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:45,159
Speaker 1: part of positive psychology, and John Tierney, writing for The

356
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:48,680
Speaker 1: New York Times, describes it this way. He says, cultivating

357
00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:52,879
Speaker 1: an attitude of gratitude has been linked to better health,

358
00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:57,520
Speaker 1: sound or sleep, less anxiety and depression, higher long term

359
00:19:57,520 --> 00:20:02,520
Speaker 1: satisfaction with life, and kinder behavior towards others, including romantic partners.

360
00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:06,000
Speaker 1: It's all it's all win win stuff, right. Yeah. Now,

361
00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:11,080
Speaker 1: that one caveat there, though, is don't confuse gratitude with indebtedness, Like,

362
00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:14,800
Speaker 1: don't don't take gratitude gratitude and then twist it into

363
00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:18,639
Speaker 1: some sort of a tool or weapon to use against others.

364
00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:21,160
Speaker 1: You have to, you have to to draw the line

365
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:24,800
Speaker 1: somewhat well. To me, that falls in the category of integrity, right.

366
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:27,760
Speaker 1: You don't do something to be recognized for you do something,

367
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:29,920
Speaker 1: if you're doing an act of integrity, it's something that's

368
00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:33,760
Speaker 1: the right thing to do, right, and maybe someone doesn't

369
00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:37,199
Speaker 1: even know that it happened. And so gratitude is the

370
00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:40,399
Speaker 1: same in that respect, where you're just trying to be

371
00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:43,880
Speaker 1: a good, kind person and the appreciative for the things

372
00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:45,480
Speaker 1: in front of you, the things that you can count

373
00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:50,040
Speaker 1: as really enriching your life. So the question is like,

374
00:20:50,119 --> 00:20:55,080
Speaker 1: to what degree does this actually impact your experience around

375
00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:58,000
Speaker 1: something like a holiday like Thanksgiving? So indeed, okay, this

376
00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:01,760
Speaker 1: cultivated attitude of gratitude, how's it going to help when

377
00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:05,359
Speaker 1: when when the the the uncle starts starts into a

378
00:21:05,359 --> 00:21:08,280
Speaker 1: political tirade. But here's a little story about how if

379
00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:11,240
Speaker 1: you don't cultivate it, you're gonna be in big trouble.

380
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:13,880
Speaker 1: And this was from the Journal of Positive Psychology. There's

381
00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:17,600
Speaker 1: paper by Alan at All that was published in volume eight,

382
00:21:17,720 --> 00:21:20,640
Speaker 1: issue two in two thousand and thirteen. What they did

383
00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:23,520
Speaker 1: is they followed a hundred and seventy two college students

384
00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:28,479
Speaker 1: for three weeks around Thanksgiving. They tracked gratitude, positive effect,

385
00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:34,240
Speaker 1: and life satisfaction through these diary style entries and researchers

386
00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:38,480
Speaker 1: saw a significant bump in both gratitude and positive effect

387
00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:42,560
Speaker 1: on Thanksgiving. Um for that one day, people were more

388
00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:47,639
Speaker 1: thankful and felt more positive overall. But they took those results.

389
00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:49,879
Speaker 1: But they did some math here, and the authors found,

390
00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:54,840
Speaker 1: not surprisingly that the relationship between Thanksgiving and life satisfaction

391
00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:59,520
Speaker 1: varied by participants. They also found that when daily fluctuations

392
00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:04,440
Speaker 1: and gratitude were controlled for daily life satisfaction and positive effect,

393
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:08,720
Speaker 1: we're actually lower during the holiday. So what is this

394
00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:10,840
Speaker 1: telling us? This telling us? This is telling us that

395
00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:14,280
Speaker 1: people who were more grateful on Thanksgiving were likely to

396
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:17,960
Speaker 1: have experienced increased well being over the holiday. Conversely, those

397
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:22,520
Speaker 1: who were less grateful felt uh a sense of less

398
00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:29,600
Speaker 1: well being and a sense of meaninglessness. So again we're

399
00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:34,240
Speaker 1: talking here about the negative effects of Thanksgiving being counteractive

400
00:22:34,359 --> 00:22:39,359
Speaker 1: by actually being grateful and engaging in acts of gratitude.

401
00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:42,520
Speaker 1: All right, that's all well and fine, because okay, you

402
00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:44,639
Speaker 1: can be grateful and thanksgiving get through. But how do

403
00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:48,399
Speaker 1: you actually do that? And according to Sonya lubum Risky

404
00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:52,520
Speaker 1: of the University of California, Riverside, she says, do one

405
00:22:52,640 --> 00:22:56,720
Speaker 1: small and unobtrusive, thoughtful or generous thing for each member

406
00:22:56,760 --> 00:22:59,760
Speaker 1: of your family on Thanksgiving, she says, say thank you

407
00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:04,159
Speaker 1: for every thoughtful or kind gesture, express your admiration for

408
00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:09,200
Speaker 1: someone's skills or talents wielding that kitchen knife so masterfully,

409
00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:12,160
Speaker 1: for example. And she says to truly listen even when

410
00:23:12,160 --> 00:23:14,719
Speaker 1: your grandfather is boring you again with the same World

411
00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:20,240
Speaker 1: War two story. And another way that this becomes really

412
00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:24,560
Speaker 1: helpful gratitude is that it turns out to really shield

413
00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:30,480
Speaker 1: you against any negative um overtures or any sort of

414
00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:34,280
Speaker 1: criticism that might be levied at you. And and Nathan

415
00:23:34,359 --> 00:23:37,680
Speaker 1: Dwall's two thousand and eleven study quote a grateful heart

416
00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:41,840
Speaker 1: is a non violent heart. Um. He had students at

417
00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:45,520
Speaker 1: the University of Kentucky right essays, so no big book,

418
00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:50,280
Speaker 1: right except when they turned in the essays some of

419
00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:54,280
Speaker 1: the essays had like terrible scathing things said to them

420
00:23:54,359 --> 00:23:58,440
Speaker 1: about their essays, like this is a pile of junk. Okay,

421
00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:02,359
Speaker 1: now you mentioned before that you know this is a

422
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:05,400
Speaker 1: big trope in these sorts of studies where someone feels

423
00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:09,480
Speaker 1: like violated and they get to you exact revenge. In

424
00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:13,439
Speaker 1: this instance, those students would play a game against the

425
00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:18,040
Speaker 1: person who criticized them, and they were able to blast

426
00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:21,920
Speaker 1: this really really loud white noise at them if they won.

427
00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:25,040
Speaker 1: And it turns out, of course that the people who

428
00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:29,760
Speaker 1: were criticized would blast that noise, but those who were

429
00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:33,800
Speaker 1: instructed to write essays about something that they were grateful

430
00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:37,840
Speaker 1: for were less likely to blast that white noise and

431
00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:41,320
Speaker 1: try to exact revenge. And again this is brought up

432
00:24:41,359 --> 00:24:46,200
Speaker 1: because that puts you at an advantage in your psyche.

433
00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:49,960
Speaker 1: If you feel grateful for something, you feel less um

434
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:53,760
Speaker 1: angry about stuff or or less reactive. And this is

435
00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:56,600
Speaker 1: one of the lessons that comes up when you're talking

436
00:24:56,640 --> 00:25:00,000
Speaker 1: about getting together with family and you settle into those

437
00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:03,920
Speaker 1: well worn roles in which you know you're sibling or

438
00:25:04,359 --> 00:25:06,240
Speaker 1: some other family member can say something to you and

439
00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:09,399
Speaker 1: push that button that drives you nuts. What I like

440
00:25:09,440 --> 00:25:11,800
Speaker 1: about this is that it it almost sounds like a

441
00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:15,720
Speaker 1: very machiavell in form of gratitude, you know, like it.

442
00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:19,000
Speaker 1: It seems like a like a strategy that would be

443
00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:22,760
Speaker 1: rolled out on Game of Thrones when they get together

444
00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:26,119
Speaker 1: for a some sort of imaginary Thanksgiving dinner. Uh Like

445
00:25:26,280 --> 00:25:29,800
Speaker 1: political movements, How can I how can I uh guard

446
00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:33,680
Speaker 1: myself against the attacks of my enemies while engaging them

447
00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:36,600
Speaker 1: in this in this welking holiday, right. It may feel,

448
00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:39,800
Speaker 1: as you say, very Macavellian, very sort of strategic and planned.

449
00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:42,240
Speaker 1: But as we have talked about before, when you fake it,

450
00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:46,000
Speaker 1: sometimes you make it. You know, if you're extending a

451
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:48,440
Speaker 1: bit of kindness, sometimes you actually are like, hey, look

452
00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:50,480
Speaker 1: at me, I'm being kind. Well, I wonder too, is

453
00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:52,800
Speaker 1: it possible to overdo it to the point where then

454
00:25:52,840 --> 00:25:56,200
Speaker 1: your family members like, wonder of what medication you're on

455
00:25:56,640 --> 00:25:59,720
Speaker 1: or if you were perhaps dying, you know, like, it

456
00:25:59,720 --> 00:26:01,399
Speaker 1: seems like you you run the risk of laying it

457
00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:03,240
Speaker 1: on tooth thick. But I guess if you're calling on

458
00:26:03,359 --> 00:26:04,639
Speaker 1: you can just say, hey, I'm just getting into the

459
00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:07,800
Speaker 1: spirit of the holiday. Mann bust my shop. You're like,

460
00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:10,480
Speaker 1: hey man, I'm just trying to change the dynamic of

461
00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:13,240
Speaker 1: this family into a more positive one. And then you

462
00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:16,600
Speaker 1: become a what role the the good girl or boy,

463
00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:19,520
Speaker 1: the good kid trying to pull everyone back together, or

464
00:26:19,560 --> 00:26:23,880
Speaker 1: the caretaker? Yeah, the caretaker yeah um now. John Tyranny,

465
00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:26,760
Speaker 1: writing for The New York Times, says you could always

466
00:26:27,119 --> 00:26:31,000
Speaker 1: practice the uh it could always be worse tactic, and

467
00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:33,080
Speaker 1: he says, when your relatives force you to look at

468
00:26:33,119 --> 00:26:36,119
Speaker 1: photos on their phones. Be thankful they no longer have

469
00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:40,719
Speaker 1: access to a slide projector when your aunt expounds on politics,

470
00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:45,560
Speaker 1: rejoice inwardly that she does not hold elected office. Instead

471
00:26:45,600 --> 00:26:48,200
Speaker 1: of focusing on the dry, tasteless turkey on your plate,

472
00:26:48,359 --> 00:26:52,760
Speaker 1: be grateful the six hour roasting process killed any toxic bacteria.

473
00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:55,320
Speaker 1: I like that. Okay, well there you go. There's an

474
00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:57,480
Speaker 1: uplifting way to look at it. Just remember that it

475
00:26:57,560 --> 00:26:59,879
Speaker 1: could always be worse. It could always be infinitely worse.

476
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:03,280
Speaker 1: There may be no limit to how bad it could be.

477
00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:06,040
Speaker 1: So yeah, you just have to kind of meditate on that.

478
00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:08,199
Speaker 1: I just think of that the worst image, and you

479
00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:11,639
Speaker 1: could possibly occupy your mind and whatever your your current

480
00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:13,760
Speaker 1: situation is, it couldn't be that bad. And if you

481
00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:17,359
Speaker 1: want to continue to be benignly Macavillian, you could try

482
00:27:17,359 --> 00:27:22,040
Speaker 1: to actually manipulate the environment to hack into a little

483
00:27:22,080 --> 00:27:26,919
Speaker 1: nostalgia of the people who are attending this Thanksgiving dinner. Yes, yes, nostalgia.

484
00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:29,400
Speaker 1: We've we've discussed this before. Um, we did a whole

485
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:31,880
Speaker 1: episode on it. Nostalgia, of course, is is a very

486
00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:35,400
Speaker 1: bitter sweet element to employ. Um, you know, we've we've

487
00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:38,640
Speaker 1: all engaged with it. Sometimes we seek it out over

488
00:27:38,680 --> 00:27:40,639
Speaker 1: and over again because it takes us back to the

489
00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:44,800
Speaker 1: past in a way that's comforting and yet also just

490
00:27:45,920 --> 00:27:47,959
Speaker 1: we can't touch it, you know, it's it's gone to us.

491
00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:50,360
Speaker 1: It's you know, it's it's like that moment where you're

492
00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:53,400
Speaker 1: like with me, I'm like setting there, I'm watching an

493
00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:57,199
Speaker 1: old film board of Canada animated short with with my

494
00:27:57,280 --> 00:28:00,800
Speaker 1: son and like nothing could feel nicer, and yet it's

495
00:28:00,800 --> 00:28:03,439
Speaker 1: it's also depressing at the same time. It can be.

496
00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:06,960
Speaker 1: But in studies, and we covered this in that Nostalgia episode,

497
00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:10,720
Speaker 1: I believe there are instances in which people were in

498
00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:14,280
Speaker 1: cold environments and then they would think about some sort

499
00:28:14,320 --> 00:28:18,480
Speaker 1: of nostalgic thought and actually feel warmer. I think, be powerful. Yeah,

500
00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:20,560
Speaker 1: and I think that the net benefit is positive, but

501
00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:25,080
Speaker 1: it's it's it's a it's a complex cocktail to to

502
00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:27,760
Speaker 1: to imbuse. So take care when you're hacking into nostalgia.

503
00:28:27,760 --> 00:28:30,520
Speaker 1: I think it's what we're saying. Yeah, now, how do

504
00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:34,200
Speaker 1: you hack in nostalgia? Well, obviously, anytime you're getting together

505
00:28:34,240 --> 00:28:36,720
Speaker 1: for some sort of a family event, like especially you know,

506
00:28:36,800 --> 00:28:41,080
Speaker 1: Thanksgiving and Christmas and hankun all these events, there's a

507
00:28:41,080 --> 00:28:43,040
Speaker 1: lot of ritual in them. There's a lot of repetition,

508
00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:45,960
Speaker 1: and I've seen it. But before that, the repetition and

509
00:28:46,040 --> 00:28:48,720
Speaker 1: memory are basically the same movement. One reaches backwards in

510
00:28:48,800 --> 00:28:51,560
Speaker 1: time and the other reaches into the future. Um, So

511
00:28:51,680 --> 00:28:53,600
Speaker 1: there are lots of things to be a nostalgic about.

512
00:28:53,600 --> 00:28:54,920
Speaker 1: We've touched on some of these before. It might be

513
00:28:54,960 --> 00:28:56,880
Speaker 1: just to be as simple as that football game in

514
00:28:56,920 --> 00:28:59,560
Speaker 1: the living, or maybe you're nostalgic about rooting on a

515
00:28:59,560 --> 00:29:03,000
Speaker 1: certain we're watching a certain sporting event. It's it's all

516
00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:05,960
Speaker 1: the food items that are that they end up getting

517
00:29:06,000 --> 00:29:07,920
Speaker 1: cooked up in the kitchen. Is the smell of those

518
00:29:07,920 --> 00:29:11,760
Speaker 1: food items, are those recipes, It's the decorations that are

519
00:29:11,760 --> 00:29:14,720
Speaker 1: haulled that year after year. Maybe it's a particular board

520
00:29:14,760 --> 00:29:17,640
Speaker 1: game you always play there. We have these these rituals

521
00:29:17,680 --> 00:29:21,240
Speaker 1: that we engage in often year after year after year,

522
00:29:21,240 --> 00:29:24,520
Speaker 1: off in generation after generation. Even Yeah, I have to

523
00:29:24,560 --> 00:29:26,880
Speaker 1: say that when we have family get togethers, I put

524
00:29:26,880 --> 00:29:29,720
Speaker 1: together a playlist that I know touches on everyone sort

525
00:29:29,720 --> 00:29:33,600
Speaker 1: of favorite music, and um, that way, everyone is delighted

526
00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:36,280
Speaker 1: at some point and again it brings up those feelings

527
00:29:36,280 --> 00:29:40,080
Speaker 1: of nostalgia and Another thing that we tend to do,

528
00:29:40,200 --> 00:29:44,600
Speaker 1: especially in Thanksgiving, is we make something called strawberry stickies,

529
00:29:45,160 --> 00:29:50,440
Speaker 1: which in my husband's family like folklore, like that in history,

530
00:29:50,560 --> 00:29:55,120
Speaker 1: or like this vaunted like wonderful dessert. Oh well, what

531
00:29:55,200 --> 00:29:59,160
Speaker 1: are they? Basically like chunks and chunks of butter that

532
00:29:59,240 --> 00:30:03,840
Speaker 1: are melted with sugar, strawberry and then pie crust, all

533
00:30:03,960 --> 00:30:07,520
Speaker 1: rolled together and cut up into these little strawberry stickies.

534
00:30:08,040 --> 00:30:11,840
Speaker 1: But it doesn't matter what's the sort of mood anyone

535
00:30:12,120 --> 00:30:14,920
Speaker 1: is in, or if someone has ill will against us.

536
00:30:14,960 --> 00:30:18,880
Speaker 1: If we bring the strawberry stickies, we tap into nostalgia

537
00:30:19,080 --> 00:30:21,840
Speaker 1: and we're golden. Okay. And then also you're, I mean,

538
00:30:22,160 --> 00:30:24,640
Speaker 1: by the mere act of bringing something to you're also

539
00:30:25,280 --> 00:30:27,360
Speaker 1: you're sort of employing a bit of gratitude in there

540
00:30:27,360 --> 00:30:30,760
Speaker 1: as well. It's a it's a complicated weapon, a multifold

541
00:30:30,840 --> 00:30:33,920
Speaker 1: weapon that you're employing against your enemies each year, and

542
00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:36,840
Speaker 1: yet a heartiest pure when we are making the strawberrys

543
00:30:36,840 --> 00:30:40,360
Speaker 1: st only trying to please of us and we talk

544
00:30:40,480 --> 00:30:42,959
Speaker 1: like that while we're making it. Okay. So, so you've

545
00:30:43,000 --> 00:30:45,880
Speaker 1: talked about ways to hacking in nostalgia with music hackn

546
00:30:45,920 --> 00:30:49,000
Speaker 1: do nostalgia with food. Uh wonder there are other ways

547
00:30:49,040 --> 00:30:53,320
Speaker 1: that one might might utilize a little nostalgia to their benefit.

548
00:30:53,480 --> 00:30:56,480
Speaker 1: I bet you guys listening have some ideas on this. Yeah,

549
00:30:56,800 --> 00:30:59,840
Speaker 1: we need your information, we need your feedback. Yes, But

550
00:31:00,200 --> 00:31:04,960
Speaker 1: those machiavellian uh holiday revelers out there, I'm sure you

551
00:31:05,000 --> 00:31:06,960
Speaker 1: have some tricks up your sleeve. But then we would

552
00:31:06,960 --> 00:31:08,880
Speaker 1: be delighted to hear about them. All right, so let

553
00:31:08,960 --> 00:31:11,520
Speaker 1: us know. But in the meantime, if you get a chance,

554
00:31:11,640 --> 00:31:14,000
Speaker 1: maybe you're you know, you're you're you're taking a breather

555
00:31:14,240 --> 00:31:16,719
Speaker 1: from your holiday and you want to get on your

556
00:31:16,720 --> 00:31:19,360
Speaker 1: phone or your computer or the family computer whatever you

557
00:31:19,440 --> 00:31:21,200
Speaker 1: go to stuff to blow your mind dot com, because

558
00:31:21,240 --> 00:31:23,480
Speaker 1: that's where you'll find all of our blog post, all

559
00:31:23,520 --> 00:31:26,720
Speaker 1: of our videos, and all of our podcast episodes going

560
00:31:26,800 --> 00:31:28,880
Speaker 1: way back to the very beginning. Episodes you can't even

561
00:31:28,880 --> 00:31:31,800
Speaker 1: find on iTunes anymore, who will find them at the website.

562
00:31:31,920 --> 00:31:34,760
Speaker 1: And we'll make sure that there's some Thanksgiving related material

563
00:31:34,880 --> 00:31:36,920
Speaker 1: right there on the front page for you past episodes

564
00:31:36,960 --> 00:31:40,600
Speaker 1: that we've done on related topics as well. And if

565
00:31:40,600 --> 00:31:42,280
Speaker 1: you have some thoughts you'd like to share, you can

566
00:31:42,320 --> 00:31:44,600
Speaker 1: see that by sending us an email to blow the

567
00:31:44,680 --> 00:31:51,400
Speaker 1: mind at house. To fork dot com for more on

568
00:31:51,480 --> 00:31:53,960
Speaker 1: this and thousands of other topics. Does it, How stuff

569
00:31:53,960 --> 00:31:58,440
Speaker 1: Works dot com