WEBVTT - Open Ended Questions 0:00:00.480 --> 0:00:05.160 Hell, I Suck a Dating with Dengler and Dared Haven 0:00:05.280 --> 0:00:11.760 Heart Radio podcast. What is going on, sucky daters? Welcome 0:00:11.800 --> 0:00:16.120 to an all new episode of Help I Suck At Dating. 0:00:16.720 --> 0:00:23.760 Jared's Holy crap, they just like keep interrupting. It's uh so, 0:00:23.800 --> 0:00:25.840 this is what happens. You know your wife butts in anyway. 0:00:25.840 --> 0:00:28.280 Welcome to Help I Suck at Dating. Dean's playing video game. 0:00:28.320 --> 0:00:30.120 My wife is coming into her room. This is just 0:00:30.160 --> 0:00:33.120 what happens. We have a great episode coming up for 0:00:33.159 --> 0:00:35.519 you though. Uh we have some emails of course. Our 0:00:35.560 --> 0:00:39.199 favorite part, we have our great guest. He is um 0:00:39.440 --> 0:00:42.640 podcast host to Deer Therapist and you can obviously listen 0:00:42.640 --> 0:00:44.879 to that wherever you get your podcast. Guy Winch is 0:00:44.960 --> 0:00:47.839 on the program today. Sound we sound like real professionals 0:00:47.840 --> 0:00:50.680 when we say that, um, so make sure you tune 0:00:50.720 --> 0:00:53.720 in for that. But before that, Dean, are you in 0:00:53.720 --> 0:00:55.200 a car? Are you in a house? Where the hell 0:00:55.240 --> 0:00:57.840 are you? I'm in a house. I'm sitting in front 0:00:57.840 --> 0:01:00.760 of my Xbox playing some color. So if you if 0:01:00.760 --> 0:01:03.920 I get a little distracted, just know that I'm you know, 0:01:03.920 --> 0:01:07.399 I'm getting some some headshots over here. So yeah, you 0:01:07.480 --> 0:01:09.720 just need to turn the Xbox off. There's too much distraction. 0:01:09.880 --> 0:01:12.280 That's why I like I that's you know, there's good 0:01:12.280 --> 0:01:14.840 things about working from home, but there's also bad things 0:01:14.840 --> 0:01:16.640 from working at home. One of the good things is 0:01:16.680 --> 0:01:18.800 you can wear pajamas to work. The bad news is 0:01:18.840 --> 0:01:21.120 there is about a million distractions jun your house that 0:01:21.280 --> 0:01:25.280 just keeps you so unmotivated. I'm not saying that to you. 0:01:25.319 --> 0:01:27.160 I'm saying that to me at the end of the day. 0:01:27.200 --> 0:01:29.120 We've been doing this podcast for a long time, right, 0:01:29.160 --> 0:01:31.080 I think almost like two or three years. You and 0:01:31.080 --> 0:01:33.600 I together for two years, I would say, And through 0:01:33.600 --> 0:01:36.800 those two years, I've really learned to just turn my 0:01:36.880 --> 0:01:38.960 brain off as soon as you start talking and just 0:01:39.040 --> 0:01:41.080 kind of tuned back in like five or six minutes later, 0:01:41.160 --> 0:01:43.560 just because you go off on these tangents, you know. 0:01:43.640 --> 0:01:45.479 So this is a great way for me to kind 0:01:45.480 --> 0:01:49.080 of like remain like keep my neurons firing while also 0:01:49.120 --> 0:01:51.360 not paying attention to you speak. So it's like kind 0:01:51.360 --> 0:01:53.280 of a win win in a weird way. Great, I'm 0:01:53.280 --> 0:01:56.920 glad to hear that. Anyway, Let's get into our first 0:01:56.920 --> 0:02:00.480 topic of the day. Beckham Martinez, bachelor A long um 0:02:00.560 --> 0:02:04.000 uh if I think everybody who probably is a bachelor 0:02:04.000 --> 0:02:08.240 fandows who Becca Martinez is? Uh? She uh just had 0:02:08.280 --> 0:02:11.200 an article written that said that her and her boyfriend 0:02:11.200 --> 0:02:14.639 have actually had talks about having an open relationship. So 0:02:15.160 --> 0:02:17.160 uh it says that, you know, Becca obviously is not 0:02:17.200 --> 0:02:20.079 afraid to embrace her nontraditional views on relationships. She's done 0:02:20.120 --> 0:02:22.760 this many times. During appearance on Tuesday's episode of Dear 0:02:23.040 --> 0:02:27.679 Media is Not Skinny but Not Fat podcast. That's the 0:02:27.680 --> 0:02:29.800 first time I'm reading that. I like that title. Uh. 0:02:30.000 --> 0:02:32.919 Becca opened up about her relationship with her boyfriend Grayston 0:02:33.160 --> 0:02:37.200 Leonard who they have one child there, she's pregnant with 0:02:37.240 --> 0:02:40.200 their second, and they talked about having an open relationships. 0:02:40.200 --> 0:02:42.560 She said, we've talked before about it, Uh, you know, 0:02:42.639 --> 0:02:44.760 wanting to get married. I don't know if I want 0:02:44.800 --> 0:02:46.960 to have sex with you for the rest of my life. 0:02:47.000 --> 0:02:48.920 So at least Becca is very honest. She was quoted 0:02:48.960 --> 0:02:51.480 as that. She also quoted said, and so we've talked 0:02:51.520 --> 0:02:55.160 about that maybe one day we could have an open relationship. 0:02:55.400 --> 0:02:59.919 Said that her boyfriend, Grayston first of all, great name, God, 0:03:00.000 --> 0:03:02.720 I love that name, uh, said that he was possibly 0:03:02.880 --> 0:03:05.440 open to the idea. Becca went on to say he's 0:03:05.480 --> 0:03:08.120 not that jealous. She went on to add that no 0:03:08.160 --> 0:03:11.560 matter what the future may hold, she and Graceton will 0:03:11.600 --> 0:03:14.240 always be committed to one another. Uh. They have two 0:03:14.320 --> 0:03:16.880 kids together, obviously, like we just talked about, they love 0:03:16.919 --> 0:03:19.960 each other. Uh, they want to be together, but they 0:03:20.040 --> 0:03:22.519 might want to be in an open relationship. So, Dean, 0:03:22.919 --> 0:03:25.440 what are your thoughts about being in an open relationship? 0:03:25.520 --> 0:03:29.320 You ever talked to Calin about it? I've I have 0:03:29.400 --> 0:03:32.680 not talked to Calin about it seriously, maybe like jokingly 0:03:32.800 --> 0:03:35.160 or whatever. I don't know. I think, Uh, if that's 0:03:35.160 --> 0:03:37.160 what you want to do, by by all means more 0:03:37.160 --> 0:03:39.960 power to you. It's like a very progressive way of thinking. 0:03:40.440 --> 0:03:42.480 Maybe not progressive, but just like kind of against the 0:03:42.480 --> 0:03:45.200 grain modern modern day. I feel like I feel like 0:03:45.200 --> 0:03:48.640 more people think about it today than thirty years ago, right, 0:03:48.640 --> 0:03:50.680 And I think that the reason that they even considered 0:03:50.720 --> 0:03:53.880 as an as a possibility is because they have the kids. 0:03:53.960 --> 0:03:57.600 Like it just kind of it's like, look, will always 0:03:57.600 --> 0:03:59.480 be committed to each other and these kids, but like, 0:03:59.560 --> 0:04:01.920 let's say we have these desires elsewhere than just like 0:04:01.960 --> 0:04:03.960 no that you're allowed to explore it. And I think 0:04:04.000 --> 0:04:05.720 that the way that I at least understood. That quote 0:04:05.760 --> 0:04:07.840 was like, we're not in an open relationship now, but 0:04:07.880 --> 0:04:10.920 like we possibly could, like I could see ourselves entering 0:04:10.960 --> 0:04:12.840 one later on down the line, which, like, I think 0:04:12.840 --> 0:04:14.640 that's a really a mature way of thinking. It's like, 0:04:14.760 --> 0:04:16.440 you know, you don't know how you're gonna be feeling 0:04:16.440 --> 0:04:18.520 about things in five or ten years, but you do 0:04:18.600 --> 0:04:21.400 know that you're gonna stay committed to your children. Um, 0:04:21.480 --> 0:04:23.880 And so I mean, I respect, I respect that. Would 0:04:23.880 --> 0:04:26.359 you ever be in an open relationship? Um, I have 0:04:26.400 --> 0:04:28.920 no idea it's possible. I don't really I don't see 0:04:28.920 --> 0:04:31.480 why I would ever want to be in an open relationship. Um, 0:04:31.520 --> 0:04:32.840 But I don't, like I said, I don't know how 0:04:32.839 --> 0:04:34.520 I'm going to feel in five or ten years at 0:04:34.520 --> 0:04:36.040 this moment in my life. No, Like I don't really 0:04:36.080 --> 0:04:41.679 care enough. Uh. Like I think Becca kind of touches 0:04:41.720 --> 0:04:44.120 on it in that quote. It's like, I think the 0:04:44.200 --> 0:04:47.520 only reason to pursue an open relationship is because, for 0:04:47.560 --> 0:04:51.760 whatever reason, you're not being fulfilled sexually, right, And so 0:04:51.839 --> 0:04:53.960 it's like, as long as you're having that fulfilled, and 0:04:54.000 --> 0:04:55.520 I don't really see the reason to be in an 0:04:55.560 --> 0:04:57.400 open relationship unless you kind of just get off on 0:04:57.480 --> 0:05:00.360 the on the you know, random people thing, which totally 0:05:00.400 --> 0:05:03.240 fine too, but uh, at the moment, No, I don't 0:05:03.240 --> 0:05:06.000 necessarily see like I could. I could, I could see 0:05:06.040 --> 0:05:07.919 myself maybe one day. Like, I'm not really a very 0:05:08.000 --> 0:05:09.600 jealous person at this point in my life, so it's like, 0:05:09.600 --> 0:05:11.560 I don't like that wouldn't really bother me too much. 0:05:12.360 --> 0:05:14.600 So let me put a hypothetical in your mind, say, 0:05:14.680 --> 0:05:18.919 like somebody was Um, of course people are just going 0:05:18.960 --> 0:05:21.000 to assume this is me, but I'm literally just spit 0:05:21.000 --> 0:05:23.040 bowling off the top of my head. Say someone was 0:05:23.080 --> 0:05:27.320 in a committed relationship and they were having thoughts of 0:05:27.400 --> 0:05:30.200 cheating on their spouse because they were so sexually attracted 0:05:30.279 --> 0:05:33.600 somebody else. Do you think the right thing to do 0:05:33.880 --> 0:05:37.320 would be to either try to bury that and push 0:05:37.360 --> 0:05:40.479 it to the side, or discuss with your partner about 0:05:40.600 --> 0:05:45.440 possibly bringing someone else in for maybe not an open relationship, 0:05:45.520 --> 0:05:50.520 but maybe some openness in the bedroom. Yeah. No, that's 0:05:50.520 --> 0:05:52.680 an interesting question. I don't know if you should necessarily 0:05:52.680 --> 0:05:55.039 talk about bringing I mean, obviously, who the heck knows 0:05:55.040 --> 0:05:58.480 what they're talking about. I sure don't, But my interpretation 0:05:58.520 --> 0:06:01.640 of it would be don't don't suppress it, don't talk 0:06:01.680 --> 0:06:03.200 about bring them into the bedroom down to either of 0:06:03.240 --> 0:06:04.800 the things. But in the middle ground, you could be 0:06:04.839 --> 0:06:06.920 like you can approach your partner and be like, hey, 0:06:06.960 --> 0:06:09.600 like I have these, uh, these thoughts or these feelings 0:06:09.640 --> 0:06:13.160 about someone else. Uh, let's just talk about it. And 0:06:13.200 --> 0:06:15.280 I think once you just talk about it, that hopefully 0:06:15.279 --> 0:06:18.600 would be enough to kind of like alleviate any type 0:06:18.600 --> 0:06:20.520 of feelings that you might have for that other person, 0:06:20.640 --> 0:06:22.359 whatever it might be, or even just like you know, 0:06:22.360 --> 0:06:24.080 the openness and honesty and all that kind of stuff 0:06:24.120 --> 0:06:26.320 I think kind of like helps you, like sometimes it's 0:06:26.320 --> 0:06:28.360 not like a sexual desire. It's just like you kind 0:06:28.360 --> 0:06:30.359 of like need to just like talk it out. And 0:06:30.400 --> 0:06:31.840 so that's kind of my take on it, at least. 0:06:31.880 --> 0:06:33.919 What about you, What do you think? Well, my neighbor 0:06:34.320 --> 0:06:37.600 uh is a gay man, very very sweet human being. 0:06:38.160 --> 0:06:43.120 He was in a thrupple, which is an open relationship 0:06:43.160 --> 0:06:48.840 with three people, uh since we moved in, and they 0:06:48.880 --> 0:06:51.680 have since broken up, and then two of the three 0:06:51.720 --> 0:06:57.000 stayed together while the third moved out. But they seem 0:06:57.080 --> 0:06:59.600 to like it. I don't know. I think it's so 0:06:59.720 --> 0:07:02.240 hard to navigate when you first of all relationships are 0:07:02.240 --> 0:07:05.520 difficult to start off with, like, you know, I love 0:07:05.600 --> 0:07:09.760 my wife, but obviously it's you know, there's certain given 0:07:09.800 --> 0:07:12.760 takes that you have in any relationship. The idea of 0:07:12.920 --> 0:07:15.440 adding something else in there's somebody else in there and 0:07:15.480 --> 0:07:19.320 adding to that stress who that's a heavy burden. So 0:07:19.360 --> 0:07:21.400 I looked up pros and cons of being in an 0:07:21.400 --> 0:07:24.320 open relationship. This is from a website called Polly coach 0:07:24.480 --> 0:07:27.800 dot com. So it says some of the pros. First one, 0:07:27.920 --> 0:07:32.080 personal growth. Open relationship lifestyle offers a sea of opportunities 0:07:32.120 --> 0:07:35.160 of personal growth. Being in an open relationship has taught 0:07:35.160 --> 0:07:38.080 me how to be more true to myself while staying 0:07:38.200 --> 0:07:42.280 in connection with my partner and with others. They also say, 0:07:42.520 --> 0:07:44.640 my alarms going off, my laundry is done. I gotta 0:07:44.720 --> 0:07:48.880 change that anyway. Uh. They say more variety is another pro. 0:07:49.240 --> 0:07:50.880 Do you ever think that you could have your cake 0:07:51.240 --> 0:07:55.200 and eat it too? People in relationships can say that. 0:07:55.240 --> 0:07:57.720 He They also say that improved communication is a pro. 0:07:58.120 --> 0:08:00.760 Communication is the biggest area of focus for anyone practicing 0:08:00.800 --> 0:08:05.119 ethical nonmonogamy. Um. They also okay, so now we're getting 0:08:05.120 --> 0:08:08.200 into the cons. Obviously, the first one feelings feelings and 0:08:08.240 --> 0:08:11.480 emotions are a natural part of being human. All feelings 0:08:11.520 --> 0:08:13.480 come and go. That's the natural nature of the game. 0:08:13.560 --> 0:08:17.200 So obviously jealousy would be a big one. Logistics is 0:08:17.240 --> 0:08:21.000 another one. Uh. Saying love is infinite but time is 0:08:21.080 --> 0:08:24.680 finite is commonly used by people who practice ethical nonmonogamy. 0:08:24.840 --> 0:08:27.040 I don't know exactly what that means. Love is infinite, 0:08:27.080 --> 0:08:32.400 but time is finite. Well, yeah, but times finite. I 0:08:32.440 --> 0:08:34.080 know what that means, but I guess I'm trying to 0:08:34.160 --> 0:08:38.760 understand in the context of an open relationship what that means. Um. 0:08:39.160 --> 0:08:40.560 But they go on to say, there are only so 0:08:40.600 --> 0:08:44.240 many hours of the day, work, family, relationships, all of that. Uh, 0:08:44.280 --> 0:08:46.280 there's just not enough time to do everything that we 0:08:46.360 --> 0:08:49.880 want to do, let alone add another person to the mix. Uh. 0:08:49.920 --> 0:08:53.560 So obviously you know time is constrained when you're an 0:08:53.559 --> 0:08:57.040 open relationship. They also say limited resources when things get tough. 0:08:57.080 --> 0:08:59.720 One of the main reasons why this apparent. This person 0:08:59.760 --> 0:09:02.600 says they choose to work with the open relationship niche 0:09:02.720 --> 0:09:07.600 is because it is a very undeserved population. Underserved population. 0:09:07.679 --> 0:09:10.840 Excuse me. There are resources available online, articles, books, podcast, 0:09:10.880 --> 0:09:13.280 bada ba dah blah. A couple of struggling. It's hard 0:09:13.280 --> 0:09:15.240 to find someone to talk to who can both understand 0:09:15.280 --> 0:09:18.079 their situation. So pretty much what this person is saying 0:09:18.200 --> 0:09:20.040 is that, like, it's great, you get more you know. 0:09:20.080 --> 0:09:22.480 The pros are, you get more variety, you get to 0:09:22.520 --> 0:09:25.320 have your cake and eat it too, which is always 0:09:25.400 --> 0:09:29.400 a positive. But apparently this helped them in communication as well, 0:09:29.760 --> 0:09:32.680 adding another person, which makes sense because you all have 0:09:32.760 --> 0:09:34.600 to be kind of on the same page if you're 0:09:34.600 --> 0:09:36.840 all going to be in this open relationship and be 0:09:36.920 --> 0:09:42.400 happy in it. But obviously logistics, jealousy, and lack of 0:09:42.440 --> 0:09:46.199 time with both people, uh is some of the cons 0:09:46.200 --> 0:09:48.719 which I can totally understand. So I mean, good for them. 0:09:48.760 --> 0:09:49.920 I don't know if I could ever be in an 0:09:49.920 --> 0:09:53.600 open relationship I get uh, I just overthink everything in general. 0:09:53.600 --> 0:09:55.800 So the idea of adding another person in their wolf 0:09:56.200 --> 0:10:00.280 plus like, you know, I'm just not you know, I 0:10:00.520 --> 0:10:03.240 would feel like the worst of the three, you know 0:10:03.280 --> 0:10:07.480 what I mean? Yeah, my self confidence couldn't handle an 0:10:07.520 --> 0:10:11.200 open relationship. I would be constantly insecure. Wait one second, 0:10:11.280 --> 0:10:12.880 let me just pause, call do you here real quick? 0:10:13.080 --> 0:10:14.560 That's kind of exactly what I was talking too. I'm 0:10:14.559 --> 0:10:18.720 just kidding. Uh uh no, Yeah, I think the insecurities 0:10:18.720 --> 0:10:21.320 definitely play play a big factor in it. But it's like, okay, 0:10:21.360 --> 0:10:23.120 like picture this ten years down the line. You know, 0:10:23.160 --> 0:10:26.120 you and actually married, you have we'll say two kids 0:10:26.160 --> 0:10:28.599 at the time, Um, and things are getting like a 0:10:28.640 --> 0:10:30.800 little stale. Maybe that would be like an interesting way 0:10:30.840 --> 0:10:33.479 for you to kind of come in and like reinvigorate 0:10:33.679 --> 0:10:36.600 the you know. The prime allerges is the is like 0:10:36.640 --> 0:10:40.400 an open relationship the same thing as a threesome. Um. 0:10:40.600 --> 0:10:43.320 I don't think, I mean, is a relationship same thing 0:10:43.320 --> 0:10:45.400 as like a one night stand? I know, I agree, 0:10:45.440 --> 0:10:48.360 I think it's a little bit different, but it sounds like, well, 0:10:48.360 --> 0:10:51.679 an open relationship is being open to having threesomes. I 0:10:51.720 --> 0:10:54.640 don't think an open relationship means throubles only. You know. 0:10:54.679 --> 0:10:57.280 It's like you're a couple and you just like kind 0:10:57.280 --> 0:10:59.800 of swing every once in a while. Um, and I 0:10:59.840 --> 0:11:02.760 have friends who are in the swinging community, which is 0:11:02.800 --> 0:11:05.360 kind of funny to say. Uh, and it just it 0:11:05.400 --> 0:11:08.080 sounds really interesting. They're happy with it, but it really 0:11:08.080 --> 0:11:12.240 does boil down to communication. UM. And the big thing 0:11:12.559 --> 0:11:15.000 that at least I've understood with all of that stuff 0:11:15.120 --> 0:11:17.680 is beyond that, make sure that both people want to 0:11:17.679 --> 0:11:19.280 do it, and not that one person wants to do 0:11:19.280 --> 0:11:21.080 it and the other person is doing it because that 0:11:21.080 --> 0:11:22.959 person wants to do it. Because if that's the case, 0:11:23.400 --> 0:11:26.840 then that's how that's how bad feelings start to fester. Um. 0:11:26.880 --> 0:11:28.199 But if both people want to do it, I think 0:11:28.200 --> 0:11:30.280 it's a lot better rather than one person doing it 0:11:30.360 --> 0:11:32.480 just to like make the other person happy, you know 0:11:32.520 --> 0:11:34.280 what I mean. Well, that's why I think this person 0:11:34.320 --> 0:11:36.679 said one of the proses communication because it forces you 0:11:36.760 --> 0:11:39.360 to talk about things with your partners, because, like you said, 0:11:39.400 --> 0:11:41.319 you have to be all on the same page or 0:11:41.360 --> 0:11:43.920 else jealous, he's gonna take over. People are going to 0:11:43.960 --> 0:11:47.040 get insecure, and it's just gonna turn things into a 0:11:47.080 --> 0:11:49.839 far worse situation. Right. But if you if you wait 0:11:50.000 --> 0:11:52.000 till after the fact to get on the same page, 0:11:52.240 --> 0:11:54.360 then you're kind of are like looking back with regret 0:11:54.400 --> 0:11:56.080 and remorse. But if you're on the same page before 0:11:56.120 --> 0:11:59.360 even getting into that situation, uh, then that's obviously a 0:11:59.440 --> 0:12:02.679 much better place to be, you know what I mean. Like, Yeah, 0:12:02.840 --> 0:12:05.120 so I don't know, I mean, I I can't say 0:12:05.160 --> 0:12:07.800 it's never gonna happen for me personally, I don't I 0:12:07.840 --> 0:12:10.439 don't expect it to I don't plan on it ever happening, 0:12:10.480 --> 0:12:13.240 but it's freaking We've all seen how crazy the world 0:12:13.280 --> 0:12:15.040 can get, so you never know what you might want 0:12:15.040 --> 0:12:17.760 to do before the world explodes. Yeah, that's true. You 0:12:17.800 --> 0:12:19.640 know you gotta check certain things off the bucket list 0:12:19.679 --> 0:12:22.600 before the asteroid hits right, right, right, And that's on 0:12:22.600 --> 0:12:24.280 the list. I mean it's low on the list, don't 0:12:24.280 --> 0:12:26.440 get me wrong. Priority is very low on it. But 0:12:27.000 --> 0:12:28.840 if I were to make a list I probably would 0:12:28.840 --> 0:12:31.200 have something like that on the list at some point. Yeah, 0:12:31.320 --> 0:12:35.400 why not? You know you gotta try everything once, right, right, 0:12:35.480 --> 0:12:38.240 So yeah, I think we kind of agree on that. Um. 0:12:38.280 --> 0:12:40.480 I also read up on this New York Times article 0:12:40.720 --> 0:12:43.240 because you and I are obviously in relationships, so we 0:12:43.280 --> 0:12:45.720 don't know, like too much about the dating world. So 0:12:45.760 --> 0:12:49.080 I looked up the dating world during the pandemic and 0:12:49.080 --> 0:12:51.120 there was this New York Times article that was pretty interesting, 0:12:51.360 --> 0:12:54.640 said true stories of hooking up during COVID nineteen, and 0:12:54.640 --> 0:12:58.120 it just went through different stories of anonymous people and 0:12:58.840 --> 0:13:01.280 it is pretty crazy when you think about it, Dean, 0:13:01.360 --> 0:13:04.439 because like you and I were single for a while. 0:13:04.600 --> 0:13:08.880 Dating was great but also sucked many times, you know, 0:13:08.960 --> 0:13:13.720 going on dates, the the nervousness of of meeting someone 0:13:14.040 --> 0:13:17.040 or not knowing who they are, where they come from. 0:13:17.080 --> 0:13:19.360 Now add in a pandemic, and like, some of these 0:13:19.360 --> 0:13:22.760 stories are crazy, Like one person went on a date 0:13:22.800 --> 0:13:25.560 and she got like berated by a dude who was 0:13:26.200 --> 0:13:29.040 kind of making fun of her for asking him to 0:13:29.120 --> 0:13:32.000 keep his mask on. Just the idea of going on 0:13:32.000 --> 0:13:33.920 a date and staying six ft apart is something that 0:13:33.960 --> 0:13:36.040 will never cease to amaze me. I don't know how 0:13:36.040 --> 0:13:38.120 people are dating right now. Like I get nervous when 0:13:38.160 --> 0:13:41.319 I encounter someone I don't know and we're like still 0:13:41.400 --> 0:13:44.720 six ft apart, but I still get weirded out. I 0:13:44.720 --> 0:13:46.120 feel bad for people who have to go on dates 0:13:46.200 --> 0:13:50.720 right now. It sucks. Oh yeah, absolutely, I mean I agree. 0:13:50.720 --> 0:13:51.960 I think I was talking with my buddies the other 0:13:52.040 --> 0:13:54.480 day who is single, and I was like, dude, it's 0:13:54.480 --> 0:13:57.160 got to be absolutely brutal, and he like, uh, most 0:13:57.160 --> 0:13:59.080 of my friends are like self sufficient enough, like the 0:13:59.120 --> 0:14:00.640 single ones where they're like yea, like I don't really 0:14:00.640 --> 0:14:03.000 need to be in a relationship. I don't think that 0:14:03.040 --> 0:14:04.920 either of us were ever really like that either, but 0:14:05.360 --> 0:14:08.320 it would just like it would suck. It would absolutely suck. 0:14:08.440 --> 0:14:11.960 So if you're listening to this podcasts and you're single, um, 0:14:12.000 --> 0:14:15.360 maybe tell us how you're getting through this quarantine. You 0:14:15.400 --> 0:14:17.360 can email us I suck at Dating at iHeart media 0:14:17.400 --> 0:14:18.800 dot com. I think it would be cool to get 0:14:18.840 --> 0:14:22.240 like firsthand accounts of how people are coping and how 0:14:22.280 --> 0:14:25.000 they're going on dates, um, all that kind of stuff. 0:14:25.040 --> 0:14:27.200 And obviously, like California just opened up. I think today 0:14:27.240 --> 0:14:29.440 is the first day that they've allowed outdoor dining since 0:14:29.840 --> 0:14:32.840 like October or something like that. Yeah, it's finally starting 0:14:32.840 --> 0:14:35.400 to open up. Even though like this new strand of 0:14:35.520 --> 0:14:38.600 COVID apparently is more contagious than the the other one. 0:14:38.680 --> 0:14:41.720 This this I think South African strand they're calling it. 0:14:42.200 --> 0:14:44.400 I'm not sure, dude, I don't know. It just seems 0:14:44.440 --> 0:14:46.880 like it gets worse every day and we're never getting 0:14:46.880 --> 0:14:48.880 out of it. But I hope I'm wrong about that. 0:14:48.920 --> 0:14:52.800 I'm also a pessimist. Um, I'm just curious, like I 0:14:52.880 --> 0:14:54.480 want to know from the people out there are more 0:14:54.520 --> 0:15:00.520 people like sexting or doing like zoom sex chats. I'm 0:15:00.640 --> 0:15:02.640 very curious about that because I feel like there's always 0:15:02.640 --> 0:15:06.280 a stigma against sexting, and now I feel like it 0:15:06.320 --> 0:15:11.080 should be more prevalent than than any other time in history. Uh. 0:15:11.120 --> 0:15:16.600 There's another another friend of mine, UM who she she 0:15:16.640 --> 0:15:20.000 doesn't like sext but she sends like like sexy gifts 0:15:20.280 --> 0:15:23.560 to the people that she's talking to. It's very strange. Um, 0:15:23.600 --> 0:15:25.000 But I mean, I'm sure there's gotta be more than that. 0:15:25.040 --> 0:15:27.640 But Jared, so yesterday before we before we jump into 0:15:27.680 --> 0:15:31.680 our guests who you mentioned above, Guy Winch, we also 0:15:31.760 --> 0:15:34.640 took these apology quizzes. You and I, Oh, yeah, I 0:15:34.680 --> 0:15:36.960 forgot about that. Yeah, well we need to discuss that 0:15:36.960 --> 0:15:38.800 at least a little bit before getting into our guests. 0:15:38.840 --> 0:15:42.680 So we took Jared I both took apology quizzes on 0:15:42.840 --> 0:15:46.200 the five Love Languages website. The five that it would 0:15:46.240 --> 0:15:48.520 be a good idea. I I think, I don't know. 0:15:48.600 --> 0:15:51.320 I don't know what it tells about me. Well, so, 0:15:51.320 --> 0:15:53.000 so for the listeners out there, go to the five 0:15:53.080 --> 0:15:55.440 Level Languages website and take the apology quiz if you're interested. 0:15:55.440 --> 0:15:58.040 But there are five ways to apologize properly, according to 0:15:58.080 --> 0:16:04.280 this website. UM expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, genuinely repenting, 0:16:04.440 --> 0:16:07.760 or requesting forgiveness and you take this test. It probably 0:16:07.760 --> 0:16:09.880 takes like ten or fifteen minutes, and it like it 0:16:10.120 --> 0:16:14.760 rates which way that you like to apologize and you 0:16:14.840 --> 0:16:17.280 like other people to apologize to you. Yeah, it's like 0:16:17.280 --> 0:16:19.840 a psychological test because it was like, I don't know 0:16:19.880 --> 0:16:22.280 if you noticed this, but every question they asked that 0:16:22.400 --> 0:16:24.640 it gave five different answers of the way people like 0:16:24.680 --> 0:16:27.160 the ways you want people to respond, But all five 0:16:27.160 --> 0:16:30.280 ways were very similar. They were just kind of worded 0:16:30.280 --> 0:16:34.480 differently with different phrases. So it kind of felt like, 0:16:34.560 --> 0:16:36.080 I forget what that test is called, but it's the 0:16:36.120 --> 0:16:38.680 tests you have to take before you go on the Bachelor. Um, 0:16:38.680 --> 0:16:42.920 it's a psychological exam where questions are are very repetitive 0:16:42.920 --> 0:16:45.360 but worded differently to see you know how sane or 0:16:45.360 --> 0:16:48.440 insane you are. So do you remember which like when 0:16:48.480 --> 0:16:51.400 taking this apology test, do you remember which one you 0:16:52.520 --> 0:16:56.920 apologize properly or like the way you apologize? Well, yeah, 0:16:56.960 --> 0:16:59.800 I mean I it's pretty easy, like you read the 0:17:00.040 --> 0:17:02.720 question and then you read the five answers, and after 0:17:02.920 --> 0:17:06.040 a couple of questions you start to realize which answers are, 0:17:06.160 --> 0:17:09.280 Like you can tell It's like compartmentalizing the responses and 0:17:09.280 --> 0:17:10.840 then it's going to give you back an answer depending 0:17:10.840 --> 0:17:12.840 on which one you answered the most. You know, yeah, 0:17:12.880 --> 0:17:15.680 I see yours. I see yours. Now your primary apology, Dean, 0:17:16.200 --> 0:17:22.720 your primary apology language was accept responsibility. Yeah, it's funny too, 0:17:22.720 --> 0:17:24.920 because I sent that to Klin to take the test 0:17:24.960 --> 0:17:29.480 as well. Um, I got accepting responsibility, you got expressing regret, 0:17:30.040 --> 0:17:33.360 and Calin actually got expressing regret as well. Well, all 0:17:33.359 --> 0:17:36.680 the kids get expressing regret. Obviously, I guess, but man, 0:17:37.080 --> 0:17:39.640 I don't know. Like it's funny because Kylin and even 0:17:39.640 --> 0:17:41.399 had a conversation about this at breakfast today. It's like 0:17:41.440 --> 0:17:43.639 I need I don't need you to express or regret 0:17:43.760 --> 0:17:46.440 or or guilt or remorse, Like I know you feel bad, 0:17:46.520 --> 0:17:48.359 but just like tell me you made a mistake and 0:17:48.440 --> 0:17:51.520 let's move past. Like I just need ownership of the 0:17:51.600 --> 0:17:53.720 mistake that was made, like just be like, oh crap, 0:17:53.760 --> 0:17:56.399 I messed up. I'm so sorry, Like uh, it was 0:17:56.480 --> 0:17:57.880 like a bone head move. I want to do it again. 0:17:57.920 --> 0:17:59.000 Like that's all I really need to hear. I don't 0:17:59.000 --> 0:18:00.399 want to say I feel so guilt. See what you 0:18:00.440 --> 0:18:02.399 please forgive me. I'll do anything like I don't want 0:18:02.400 --> 0:18:03.760 to hear that. I don't want you to like gravel. 0:18:03.760 --> 0:18:05.359 I just want you to be like, I messed up, 0:18:05.840 --> 0:18:08.399 I'm sorry. Yeah. You know. The funny thing about this 0:18:08.480 --> 0:18:11.320 is I feel like I'm more like you with accepting 0:18:11.400 --> 0:18:15.239 responsibility expecting responsibility, than I am expressing regret. Because al right, 0:18:15.280 --> 0:18:19.159 here's the definition of somebody who has uh the apology 0:18:19.240 --> 0:18:22.359 language of expressing regret says, for most people, an apology 0:18:22.480 --> 0:18:24.919 is not really an apology unless they hear the words 0:18:25.000 --> 0:18:28.160 i'm sorry. For many of us, in order to truly forgive, 0:18:28.200 --> 0:18:30.360 we need to see that the person who has injured 0:18:30.440 --> 0:18:32.960 us regrets what they have done. This is the most 0:18:33.119 --> 0:18:36.280 essential of the elements of an apology, but some people 0:18:36.359 --> 0:18:40.560 feel it more keenly than others. And then the definition 0:18:40.560 --> 0:18:44.119 of someone like yourself whose language is accepting responsibility is 0:18:44.280 --> 0:18:46.720 we can all find good reasons and explanations for why 0:18:46.800 --> 0:18:50.040 we behave badly. She was pushing my buttons, I was 0:18:50.160 --> 0:18:53.200 running late, she hurt my feelings. Whatever the reason, it 0:18:53.240 --> 0:18:55.680 doesn't change the fact that what we did was wrong 0:18:55.800 --> 0:18:57.879 or hurtful to a person. Isn't that kind of like 0:18:57.920 --> 0:19:00.800 the same thing oppose to that it is very similar. 0:19:00.840 --> 0:19:03.040 I think I think they're similar. I think they're They're 0:19:03.160 --> 0:19:06.840 a little bit different though. My My big argument against 0:19:06.840 --> 0:19:10.199 expressing regret as an apology a way to apologize, is 0:19:10.640 --> 0:19:13.720 it kind of like it exonerates bad behavior, Like I 0:19:13.720 --> 0:19:15.159 could do whatever I want and then just be like, 0:19:15.200 --> 0:19:17.520