Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: Yew Donalds, Johnson and Johnson, baby Powder, Trump ex president,
Speaker 2: most likely to be a surprise judge at a wet
Speaker 2: T shirt contest. Yesterday, the government office that keeps presidential
Speaker 2: records asked the Justice Departments to investigate Trump's improper handling
Speaker 2: of official documents. And like, at this point, I'm wondering
Speaker 2: if there are any laws that Trump hasn't broken. You know,
Speaker 2: if there was a Guinness Book of World Records for crime,
Speaker 2: he'd probably stealed the book. But yeah, according to reports,
Speaker 2: Trump would rip up papers after he read them, right,
Speaker 2: He took boxes of material with him tomorrow lago. And
Speaker 2: now we're learning that Trump did the most trump thing
Speaker 2: that he possibly could have done with some of these documents.
Speaker 3: We are beginning with breaking news. Staff members at the
Speaker 3: White House Residents discovered wads of printed paper in a
Speaker 3: clogged toilet on more more than one occasion during the
Speaker 3: Trump administration, and believe that it was the former president
Speaker 3: himself who was trying to flush documents.
Speaker 4: I learned that staff in the White House Residence would
Speaker 4: periodically find the toilet clog. The engineer would have to
Speaker 4: come and fix it. And what the engineer would find
Speaker 4: would be wadds of you know, clumped up print, wet
Speaker 4: printed paper, you know, meaning it was not toilet paper.
Speaker 4: It could be posteds, it could be note zero to himself,
Speaker 4: It could be other things. We don't know, but it
Speaker 4: certainly does add, as you said, another dimension to what
Speaker 4: we know about how he handled material in the White
Speaker 4: House work.
Speaker 2: You know, it's so funny how in every scandal involving
Speaker 2: Trump and documents, none of them involve him reading them.
Speaker 2: And by the way, I will say this, I know
Speaker 2: it's easy for us to all go Trump was trying
Speaker 2: to obstruct justice, That's what this was. But you do
Speaker 2: remember at the start of the pandemic there was a
Speaker 2: shortage of what and I don't know about you guys,
Speaker 2: but when there's no toilet paper state documents starts to
Speaker 2: look mighty tempting. It also does explain why Trump was
Speaker 2: always complaining about toilets. You remember how he always did.
Speaker 5: That people are flushing toilets ten times fifteen times as
Speaker 5: opposed to once they end up using more water.
Speaker 2: Yeah, they're flashing at ten times fifteen times.
Speaker 6: No, dude, you were flushing toilets ten times fifteen times
Speaker 6: because you were shoving your homework down the toilets. I mean,
Speaker 6: everyone assumed he was a man who clogged the White
Speaker 6: House toilets, but no one ever.
Speaker 2: Thought we'd have to ask the question, but with what now?
Speaker 2: Of course, Trump denies all of this. He says he
Speaker 2: never clogged any toilets ever. Smoothest pooh of all time.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, The FBI raided Donald Trump's house in
Speaker 2: mar Lago. The FBI people rated a former president's house.
Speaker 2: This is huge. This is bigger than on the FEDS
Speaker 2: investigated Bill Clinton for doing mouth stuff with that saxophone.
Speaker 2: And by the way, by the way, this raid, just
Speaker 2: so you know, has nothing to do with January sixth,
Speaker 2: or tax fraud or giving the White House plumber PTSD. No. Apparently,
Speaker 2: apparently this investigation is about Trump taking classified documents from
Speaker 2: the White House. And honestly, you know, I'm amazed that
Speaker 2: Trump has time for all of this crime. But at
Speaker 2: any moment, at any moment, Trump's got a crime that
Speaker 2: he's covering up. He's got a crime that he's doing now,
Speaker 2: He's got a crime that he's plotting for the future.
Speaker 2: He's like the Steve Harvey, But of crimes. You know,
Speaker 2: every day. I'm like, does he have the same hours
Speaker 2: in the day as me? He gets so much done. Now,
Speaker 2: if you'll remember, if you remember earlier this year, the
Speaker 2: Fed's already had to go down to Marrow Lago and
Speaker 2: take back fifteen boxes of documents that Trump wasn't supposed
Speaker 2: to have. But apparently they think there's more hidden on
Speaker 2: the property, right And I believe that. I believe that too.
Speaker 2: I mean, like, Trump's not gonna keep records in a
Speaker 2: filing cabinet like a normal person. What was the same
Speaker 2: dude who buried his ex wife on a golf course.
Speaker 2: I mean, think about that. And yes, it is totally
Speaker 2: unprecedented for the FBI to raid the home of a
Speaker 2: former president. That's true. That has never happened in American history.
Speaker 2: But don't forget Donald Trump has also never happened in
Speaker 2: American history. Everything is an anomaly with this man. I mean, like,
Speaker 2: why do you think a book from one of his
Speaker 2: staffers comes out every single week? Because every single person
Speaker 2: he interacts with is like, yo, have I got a
Speaker 2: story for you? And wouldn't it be weird if this
Speaker 2: is the thing that takes Trump down? We thought it
Speaker 2: would be something like conspiracy or bribery or blackmail. But no,
Speaker 2: Trump's got busted for taking work home with him. What
Speaker 2: a nerd? Now, Obviously, President Trump recognizes the gravity of
Speaker 2: the situation, which is why he has refrained from comments
Speaker 2: while the legal process is now. I'm joking with you,
Speaker 2: Come on. The guy released a statement immediately. Immediately he read, these.
Speaker 7: Are dark times for our nation as my beautiful home, Mara.
Speaker 8: Lago in Balm Beach, Florida, is currently under siege, raided
Speaker 8: and I get back by a large group of FBA agents.
Speaker 2: They even broke into my safe. What's the difference between
Speaker 2: this and Watergate? What's the difference? I love that even
Speaker 2: while he's complaining, he slips in that the thing is beautiful.
Speaker 2: How could they do this to my beautiful home? Also, also,
Speaker 2: this is completely different from Watergates all right. For one thing,
Speaker 2: the guy's breaking in to Wardsgate didn't need to clean
Speaker 2: old ketchup stains off the documents. But the other big thing,
Speaker 2: the other big difference is that the raid was legal,
Speaker 2: all right, was approved by a federal judge, approved by
Speaker 2: the head of the FBI, who, by the way, was
Speaker 2: appointed by Donald Trump. Himself. I think he got rid
Speaker 2: of like seventeen other heads of the FBI because they
Speaker 2: didn't want to do crimes of Donald Trump. So now
Speaker 2: the big mystery is what did the FBI find. Well,
Speaker 2: according to Donald Trump's third favorite son, the only thing
Speaker 2: the FBI took was his heart.
Speaker 9: What could they possibly think existed inside of mor Lago
Speaker 9: in a box that was taken from the White House
Speaker 9: that was so damaging that the FBI director and the
Speaker 9: Attorney General of the United States would would have to
Speaker 9: raid a former president's residence and grab everything out of there.
Speaker 2: I don't know. They'll probably find a note for me
Speaker 2: telling him how proud I am of him and what
Speaker 2: great job he was doing his president. They might find
Speaker 2: some pictures of my kids, maybe some nice you know, headlines,
Speaker 2: maybe a nice snow from you.
Speaker 10: Sean.
Speaker 2: Oh, Eric, you silly, silly man. Did Daddy tell you
Speaker 2: that's where your letters to him go? Hid it away
Speaker 2: somewhere safe. They're just too important to show anybody or
Speaker 2: acknowledge it anyway. Eric.
Speaker 7: That's why I locked them up right next to.
Speaker 2: My wedding ring. That's what I do now. Aside from
Speaker 2: the boxes that they took, the FBI also looked inside
Speaker 2: Trump's safe, which is very dramatic, like because apparently they
Speaker 2: had to break into it. All right, So now you're like,
Speaker 2: how do they do it? They did they blow it
Speaker 2: open or did they just correctly guess the cold or
Speaker 2: six nine sixty nine. Honestly, I've been surprised. I would
Speaker 2: actually be surprised if they found White House documents in
Speaker 2: Trump's safe, because the safe is where you keep your
Speaker 2: most prized possessions. Yeah, so in my head, searching through
Speaker 2: Trump's safe would probably go a lot more like this.
Speaker 2: All right, guys, let's see what we have in here.
Speaker 2: All right, my god, the entire safe is just filled
Speaker 2: with macrib after macriv This is They're stacked on top
Speaker 2: of each other. This is I don't even understand. It's
Speaker 2: an unventilated safe. Who would do this? Wait? Wait, wait,
Speaker 2: hold on, there's a secret panel in the bottom. I
Speaker 2: think we found it. We just found no another macreb
Speaker 2: Boyd's another mac rev. Now you might be wondering. You
Speaker 2: might be wondering, isn't this an extremely explosive situation for
Speaker 2: the United States? Yes, it is. It is. You don't
Speaker 2: want to let a former president get away with crimes right,
Speaker 2: because nobody in America is above the law except corporations
Speaker 2: and rich people and police and celebrities sometimes, but aside
Speaker 2: from them, nobody is above the law. But at the
Speaker 2: same time, even the perception that the Justice Department is
Speaker 2: being used to go after your political opponents, that could
Speaker 2: erode people's trust in governments. So it's a really tricky
Speaker 2: situation and the only thing we can do is wait
Speaker 2: and see how the investigation unfolds. Oh, if you Fox News,
Speaker 2: you can just freak out right now. This is an abomination.
Speaker 2: This is gestapo crap.
Speaker 9: It's probably the worst day in the history of the FBI.
Speaker 10: This is a wake up call for those in Congress
Speaker 10: to be able to use the tools at their disposal
Speaker 10: to defund the FBI, dismantle the FBI into a thousand bits.
Speaker 2: Representative Marjorie Taylor Green simply tweeting, defund the FBI. If
Speaker 2: this is what.
Speaker 3: They're able to do to the former president of the
Speaker 3: United States, think about what.
Speaker 11: They could do to you, to anybody in America.
Speaker 3: The real target of this investigation isn't Trump.
Speaker 2: The real target of this investigation is you.
Speaker 9: Do we have a dual justice system in America, is
Speaker 9: there equal justice under the law.
Speaker 2: I am deathly afraid for Donald Trump.
Speaker 9: I would not put assassination behind these people. We're entering
Speaker 9: a Venezuelan Zimbabwean East German style Banana Republican which the
Speaker 9: law doesn't matter.
Speaker 2: Okay, this is some third world bullshit right here. Let
Speaker 2: me say it again, third world bullshit. All right. First
Speaker 2: of all, as someone from the third world, maybe leave
Speaker 2: us out of your shit for once. Huh how about that?
Speaker 2: How that this the show world bullshit right here?
Speaker 6: Here's your So.
Speaker 2: Every time every time Americans want to call something in
Speaker 2: America that is that's corrupt, all of a sudden, they're like, oh,
Speaker 2: this is third world bullshit, my man. At what point
Speaker 2: do you realize that it's happening here, it's you, it's you.
Speaker 2: Bad things only happen in other countries when it's it's
Speaker 2: still happening in another country. In fact, when something happens
Speaker 2: in the actual third world. Yeah, these days, America's gotten
Speaker 2: so bad. People in Africa are like, are you kidding me?
Speaker 2: This is just like America. Ah no, this place is
Speaker 2: turning into America. What are we doing here? What are
Speaker 2: we doing? But I do get what super Karen is
Speaker 2: saying if the FBI, if the FBI is going to
Speaker 2: go off the Trump for stealing classified documents from the
Speaker 2: White House, then what's to stop them from going after
Speaker 2: you when you steal classified documents from the White House.
Speaker 2: It's not the country we want to live in where
Speaker 2: anyone can be investigated just for the crime of doing crimes.
Speaker 2: I don't think so. I don't think so. Remember how
Speaker 2: last week the FBI took an eight hour vacation from
Speaker 2: our alago and went home with the monster souvenirs. Well,
Speaker 2: we all had the same question. What were they looking
Speaker 2: for at Donald Trump's house this weekend? We all found out.
Speaker 1: This morning the newly unsealed search warrant shedding light on
Speaker 1: what exactly FBI agents were looking for at Mara a
Speaker 1: Lago and what they seized. According to the documents made
Speaker 1: public by a federal judge, agents were searching for evidence
Speaker 1: of three potential crimes, violations of the Espionage Act, unlawful
Speaker 1: removal of public records, and obstruction of justice by concealing, altering,
Speaker 1: or destroying records to impede an investigation. They found twenty
Speaker 1: seven boxes of government records, including eleven sets of classified documents.
Speaker 1: Four sets of documents were marked top secret and one
Speaker 1: marked top secret SCI, a classification reserved for some of
Speaker 1: the most sensitive intelligence and national security information, typically only
Speaker 1: viewed in a highly secure location.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's right. Turns how Trump didn't just have top
Speaker 2: secret documents, they were top secret SCI. What does SCI
Speaker 2: stand for? Youss? That's also top secret? You dumbass. I'll
Speaker 2: be honest. I didn't even know you could have a
Speaker 2: level of secret above top? Did you know this? Yeah? Also,
Speaker 2: don't think it makes sense, right, that's the point of top.
Speaker 2: If there's something above top, then top is middle, you know. Yeah,
Speaker 2: top is top. People like top gun, he's the best
Speaker 2: fighter pilot. If someone else come in and then they're like,
Speaker 2: top a gun, I want my money back. That's not
Speaker 2: what I was promised not to mention. If something is top,
Speaker 2: but then we find out that there's something above that,
Speaker 2: then how do we know that that's not the final thing?
Speaker 2: Then there could be something above that, And then how
Speaker 2: do we know that there's not something above that? But
Speaker 2: because there's no top, like top has to be the top,
Speaker 2: then there's no end, and then like space time is
Speaker 2: what infinite? And then do we even exist, Like, what
Speaker 2: does this mean? Who are we? I'm having I'm having
Speaker 2: a panic attack right now, Stop the show. Stop the
Speaker 2: So it turns out Donald Trump was in possession of
Speaker 2: top secret documents he wasn't supposed to have. And look,
Speaker 2: I'm not victim blaming here, but if you ask me,
Speaker 2: the government is partly it's responsible. They're partly responsible for
Speaker 2: labeling the files top secret. Yeah, because think about it,
Speaker 2: nobody wants to read boxes of government documents, right, but
Speaker 2: if it says top secret on it, now everyone's interested.
Speaker 2: It's the same. So you don't label your porn folder porn, right,
Speaker 2: the government should do what we do. Just put secrets
Speaker 2: in a folder called Texas twenty twelve to twenty seventeen.
Speaker 2: I've done that my whole life. I only screw up
Speaker 2: was I did this when I was twelve years old,
Speaker 2: and then my mother was like, what texes are you
Speaker 2: paying when you're twelve? And then she busted me for
Speaker 2: porn and tax evasion. Anyway, the point is, no matter
Speaker 2: what they label, Donald Trump wasn't supposed to have these
Speaker 2: documents at his house. And in case you're wondering why
Speaker 2: these documents are top top top top secret. We'll hold
Speaker 2: onto your butts because what Trump took home could blow
Speaker 2: them right off.
Speaker 10: The Washington Post has reported that among the materials sought
Speaker 10: by federal agents was related to nuclear weapons programs.
Speaker 1: If you get into nuclear related documents, that is the
Speaker 1: highest level.
Speaker 2: It does not get any more serious than that.
Speaker 10: Some of this could be information about adversaries. Some of
Speaker 10: this could be about nuclear weapon design. Some of this
Speaker 10: could be about our nuclear arsenals or our launch procedures.
Speaker 2: Are you shooting me? Don'tald Trump might have kept the
Speaker 2: world's nuclear secrets in his basement at Mara A Lago,
Speaker 2: the same place Rudy Giuliani sleeps to avoid the sunlight.
Speaker 2: That is so irresponsible, because you realize the worst case
Speaker 2: scenario with these documents is that Trump sold them to
Speaker 2: like Saudi Arabia. The best case scenario is that he
Speaker 2: just lay in bed with them and rubbed him all
Speaker 2: over his naked body. Actually not, I'm gonna flip that
Speaker 2: worst case scenario is that he rubbed them naked on
Speaker 2: his body. Hopefully he just sold them to the Saudis,
Speaker 2: hopefully hopefully. Oh and by the way, just today to
Speaker 2: addsw to this, wul saga. Trump posted that in the.
Speaker 7: Raid by the FBI of Mara a Lago, they stole
Speaker 7: my three passports, one expired, along with everything else.
Speaker 2: And I can see why Trump is pissed if they
Speaker 2: took his passports. I mean, he's the guy who wanted
Speaker 2: to build the wall and now he's going to need
Speaker 2: to sneak into Mexico. Come as a bitch. Also, also,
Speaker 2: why does Donald Trump even need a passports? There is
Speaker 2: no one on earth that looks or sounds like this man,
Speaker 2: no one. He could land on a distant planet and
Speaker 2: the aliens they would be we've seen TV welcome Donald Trauma.
Speaker 7: He'd be like, thank you, now, please take me to
Speaker 7: your three boodua men.
Speaker 2: And by the way, you do realize there's a fifteen
Speaker 2: percent chance Trump just misplaced his password, right, It's possible.
Speaker 2: It happens all the time. You think the FABI took
Speaker 2: something and you find in your sock drawer. Yeah, like,
Speaker 2: for all you know, maybe Milania moved them. You know,
Speaker 2: he was like, oh, no, I guess now I have
Speaker 2: to go back to Slovenia by myself. Bye, Donald Bye.
Speaker 2: You know you know what's been the most fun, the
Speaker 2: most fun in All of this is how Trump and
Speaker 2: the Red Caps are working so hard to invent new
Speaker 2: excuses for why this crime wasn't a crime, because you
Speaker 2: remember when the story first broke, they were saying things like,
Speaker 2: there's nothing at mar Lago except a bunch of notes
Speaker 2: from Eric and if they did find something, the FBI
Speaker 2: messa planted it, well, forget all that, forget all of it.
Speaker 2: That was like two days ago. They've got a fresh
Speaker 2: shipment of excuses today, starting with it was homework.
Speaker 12: The former president is offering a new line of defense
Speaker 12: for taking these documents to his marlog A home. A
Speaker 12: statement released by Trump's office Friday night contends that everyone
Speaker 12: takes work home sometimes.
Speaker 2: Yeah, now you know what, that's true. Everyone does take
Speaker 2: work home sometimes, but not Donald Trump. But man barely
Speaker 2: took work to work. And also, by the way, it's
Speaker 2: not taking work home with you if you no longer
Speaker 2: have the job, all right, can we agree on that?
Speaker 2: All right, you don't have the job, you can't take
Speaker 2: work home with Like if you get fired from your
Speaker 2: babysitting job, but you still go pick up the kid
Speaker 2: from school, that's just kidnapping. But if you don't like that,
Speaker 2: excuse that's fine, that's fine. Trump's got another one, like,
Speaker 2: how about Obama?
Speaker 13: President Trump has been making the baseless and false claim
Speaker 13: that former President Obama took more than thirty million classified
Speaker 13: documents when he left the White House.
Speaker 4: Donald Trump tweeted that President Barack who's saying Obama kept
Speaker 4: thirty three million pages of documents, much of them classified?
Speaker 2: How many of them pertained to nuclear word is lots?
Speaker 2: All right, Okay, first of all, this is just completely
Speaker 2: made up. In fact, the National Archives came out and
Speaker 2: said it is not true. But also for the sake
Speaker 2: of the argument, let's say it was true. These people
Speaker 2: are the same people who've spent fifteen years saying Obama
Speaker 2: is basically the devil. But then when they get into trouble,
Speaker 2: they're like, it's fine, we just did the same thing
Speaker 2: as the Oh. And also, did you pick up that
Speaker 2: Barockhussein Obama has a nice little touch, Yeah, just to
Speaker 2: remind the people who he really is. I know what
Speaker 2: Trump is doing. He's trying to drum up old Islamophobia,
Speaker 2: but everybody knows that that's Barock's middle name. It doesn't
Speaker 2: sound nefarious anymore, you know, it just sounds like you're
Speaker 2: his mom, Barack Hussein Obama, you get down here and
Speaker 2: clean up this mess right now, coming mom. But but
Speaker 2: if you don't like that excuse, it's cool, baby, it's cool.
Speaker 2: Trump's got another one for you. It's about how he
Speaker 2: declassified these documents in his mind, and a new defense
Speaker 2: emerged overnight from a conservative journalist tied to Trump, who
Speaker 2: read a statement from the former president's office.
Speaker 10: He had a standing order that documents removed from the
Speaker 10: omal office and take you to the residence were deemed
Speaker 10: to be to classify at the moment he removed that.
Speaker 2: Oh, that's an interesting excuse. Anything Trump took home with
Speaker 2: him was automatically declassified because he had a standing order.
Speaker 2: It's it's just super convenient that no one has ever
Speaker 2: heard about this rule until he got busted for having
Speaker 2: top secret documents at his house. But whatever, I've actually
Speaker 2: heard this defense before.
Speaker 14: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Usually it's when people get busted for having an affair.
Speaker 2: You know, they'd be like, no, actually, I didn't cheat
Speaker 2: on you. I had already broken up with you in
Speaker 2: my mind on the way to their house, and then
Speaker 2: on the way home, I decided to give us another chance.
Speaker 2: Come here, baby, I forgive you I forgive you. I
Speaker 2: forgive you. So there you have it, three brand new
Speaker 2: fresh excuses. What oh that's not enough for you? Oh
Speaker 2: your particular Okay, I see, then maybe what you need
Speaker 2: is a little bit of this.
Speaker 13: NBC as a peace out, quoting sources that say the
Speaker 13: chaotic nature of Donald Trump's exit from the White House
Speaker 13: contributed to sensitive documents being taken tomorrow lago.
Speaker 14: And there were reports that Trump packed in a rush.
Speaker 14: Quote when it finally dawned on Donald Trump and the
Speaker 14: twilight of his presidency that he wouldn't be living at
Speaker 14: the White House for another four years, he had a problem.
Speaker 14: He had barely packed and had to move out quickly.
Speaker 2: Oh my god. Oh this is the greatest excuse of
Speaker 2: all time. Trump's people are saying, because he didn't think
Speaker 2: he was leaving the White House, he packed in a
Speaker 2: hurry when he left. Yeah. Yeah, he was so busy
Speaker 2: planning the coup he didn't even think about packing. Is
Speaker 2: that what happened. It's like, guys, I wasn't trying to
Speaker 2: steal these documents. I was trying to steal the election.
Speaker 2: Why would I pack when I thought I'd have another channel?
Speaker 2: Twenty years in the White House. It makes no sense,
Speaker 2: howll lo Ever, since the FBI raided the broom closet
Speaker 2: where Donald Trump was keeping America's most important national security secrets,
Speaker 2: We've all been wondering what exactly Trump was hiding there,
Speaker 2: And over the weekend we finally got a detailed down
Speaker 2: of what the FBI took away. There were thirty one
Speaker 2: documents labeled confidential, there were fifty four labeled secret, and
Speaker 2: eighteen labeled top secrets. Yeah, and even better than that,
Speaker 2: agents found those documents intermingled in the same boxes as
Speaker 2: magazine clippings and clothing. So I guess Trump has a
Speaker 2: legal problem and a hoarding problem, Like what is It's
Speaker 2: almost like after the FBI is done with Trump, they
Speaker 2: did to send in Marie Kondo, you know, just to
Speaker 2: be like, does this nineteen eighty seven copy of Playboy
Speaker 2: spark joy? Donald?
Speaker 14: It does?
Speaker 7: It sparked so much joy, so much joy.
Speaker 2: But even more concerning is that the FBI also found
Speaker 2: dozens of classified folders that were empty, which obviously raises
Speaker 2: the question where are the documents from the folders? Are
Speaker 2: they in other boxes? Did he lend them to Saudi Arabia?
Speaker 2: Or maybe maybe it's more innocent. Maybe Trump just keeps
Speaker 2: a bunch of folders label classified so you can give
Speaker 2: them friends with photocopies of his butt inside. I mean,
Speaker 2: that's a good joke. That's a good joke. You're like,
Speaker 2: what's in here? Aha. It's also possible the intelligence community
Speaker 2: didn't trust Trump with classified information, so they just gave
Speaker 2: him anty folders. We don't know. Yeah, it could just
Speaker 2: be like, sure, these documents are so secret, we made
Speaker 2: them invisible. He's just like.
Speaker 7: Incredible, just like all the love letters Millennia sends me.
Speaker 2: I get it, totally get it. But nobody knows what
Speaker 2: Trump was doing with these files and folders, and now
Speaker 2: it might be a lot longer until we find out.
Speaker 13: The criminal investigation into those classified documents found at mar
Speaker 13: A Lago is temporarily on hold as a result of
Speaker 13: this twenty four page order, where a Florida federal judge
Speaker 13: granted former President Trump's request that authorizes the appointment of
Speaker 13: a special master an independent observer, to review what the
Speaker 13: FBI seized from the Trump estate last month.
Speaker 9: The special master would separate any items that might be
Speaker 9: protected by claims of attorney client privilege or executive privilege.
Speaker 5: The judge said to deadline of Friday for both sides
Speaker 5: in this case, Trump and the DOJ to propose a
Speaker 5: list of candidates they want to be special Master.
Speaker 2: Now. The judge also said in this ruling that dj
Speaker 2: cannot use these documents at all as part of its
Speaker 2: criminal investigation until this review is completed. Yeah, that's right.
Speaker 2: A judge in Florida has decided to appoint an independent
Speaker 2: observer to go through all of the documents and determine
Speaker 2: which ones or off limits to investigators. And that person
Speaker 2: is called a special Master, which I'm not gonna lie.
Speaker 2: When I first heard it sounded pretty cool. There's like
Speaker 2: Donald Trump is getting a special Master. He's like he's
Speaker 2: a Botolan kung fu. It's be like, hmm, I am
Speaker 2: your special Master, and you Donald at my students, like, great,
Speaker 2: can you teach me chopsticks? And what's going to be
Speaker 2: really interesting is who they pick for this job. Because
Speaker 2: the judge gave each side until Friday to submit a
Speaker 2: list of suggestions together. Right, So basically the judge is going, Trump,
Speaker 2: you send us a list of who you think should
Speaker 2: review the documents, and then, like the Justice Department, you
Speaker 2: do the same thing. And then I guess the judge
Speaker 2: is hoping that they'll overlap, but I don't know. I
Speaker 2: feel like the Department of Justice is going to submit
Speaker 2: the names of like former attorney generals and FBI directors,
Speaker 2: and then the list from Trump's side is going to
Speaker 2: be like Jared the Hamburglar, a paper shred on top
Speaker 2: of her toilets. You know. But you know, once again,
Speaker 2: Donald Trump is exposed the part of America that I'm
Speaker 2: willing to bet nobody knew existed. Nobody did you know
Speaker 2: about a special master, any of you? Huh? I didn't
Speaker 2: even know it was an option. I've watched ten million
Speaker 2: hours of lloy and Order. I know about subpoenas, I
Speaker 2: know about breaking the chain of custody, objections sustained over
Speaker 2: rules sidebard in my chambers, but not once have I
Speaker 2: heard the term special master. Well, once again, thanks to Trump,
Speaker 2: because of his hard work and dedication to doing crimes,
Speaker 2: we've all learned something new today. And I said, thank you,
Speaker 2: mister President. That's right. Let's kick things off with the
Speaker 2: ongoing legal troubles of America's forty fifth president, Donald Jurisdiction
Speaker 2: Trump the only former president with a side gigs selling
Speaker 2: bidazzled classified documents on Etsy. You see. Trump is still
Speaker 2: being investigated by the Justice Department for keeping over one
Speaker 2: hundred classified documents in a closet at Mara Lago, pretty
Speaker 2: much the least secure place in the world outside of
Speaker 2: Adam Levine's DMS. And Trump and Trump World has been
Speaker 2: coming up with all kinds of defenses for what he did.
Speaker 2: They said, Oh, the FBI plans are the evidence. They said,
Speaker 2: everyone takes work home with them, and then they said
Speaker 2: Trump was trying to protect the documents from Nicholas Cage.
Speaker 2: But last night's Last Night, during an interview with Sean Hannity,
Speaker 2: Trump came up with a new excuse that may have
Speaker 2: topped them all.
Speaker 11: I defy In Donald Trump pushing back, the former president
Speaker 11: is insisting he had the power to be classified documents
Speaker 11: sees from his Maraologo home just by thinking about it.
Speaker 5: If you're the president of the United States, you can
Speaker 5: declass if I just by saying it's declassified, even by
Speaker 5: thinking about it. And there doesn't have to be a process.
Speaker 5: There can be a process, but there doesn't.
Speaker 2: Have to be well. Hold on, holdo, holdo, holdo, Donald
Speaker 2: Trump can declassify documents with his brain. How he can't
Speaker 2: even read documents with his brain? How does this happen?
Speaker 2: I really hope that I can make things happen with
Speaker 2: my mind. Is going to be their actual argument at
Speaker 2: the trial? That would be great, your honor, the defendant
Speaker 2: pleads Jedi. So Trump is saying that he declassified these
Speaker 2: documents just by thinking about it, which I don't even believe,
Speaker 2: because that will be the first time in his life
Speaker 2: that Trump has thought something and not said it out loud.
Speaker 2: Think about it. This is a man who thought to himself, Oh,
Speaker 2: if I wasn't related to my daughter, I would date her.
Speaker 2: And then he told everyone on TV. He set it
Speaker 2: out of his mouth. And by the way, by the way,
Speaker 2: if this all happened in his head, you do realize
Speaker 2: that means now the FBI is going to have to
Speaker 2: raid his brain for the evidence. That's going to be
Speaker 2: a nightmare for them. Oh guys, all right, let's see
Speaker 2: what we have in here. Wow, it's a lot of bikinis.
Speaker 2: A lot of bikinis in here. Miss American in a bikini?
Speaker 2: Is that putin in a bikini? A hamburger in a bikini?
Speaker 2: What's hold up? Hold up? I think I found the documents.
Speaker 2: I got them, the classified documents, but they're in a bikini.
Speaker 4: Now.
Speaker 2: If we had more time, we could talk about the
Speaker 2: massive ramifications of Donald Trump having a superpower that only
Speaker 2: applies to documents. But we don't have the time because
Speaker 2: in that same interview, he gave a different excuse that
Speaker 2: was even more mind buggling.
Speaker 9: Here is Donald Trump's new theory revealed just an hour
Speaker 9: ago about what the f the I was really looking
Speaker 9: for with their search warrant.
Speaker 5: There's also a lot of speculation because of what they did,
Speaker 5: the severity of the FBI coming and raiding mar A Lago.
Speaker 5: Were they looking for the Hillary Clinton emails that were
Speaker 5: deleted but they are around someplace.
Speaker 2: Were they looking for the spies? No? No, they may
Speaker 2: be saying they may have thought that it was in me. Okay, wait, wait,
Speaker 2: wait what what? Even Sean Harry, He's like wait, I'm sorry, man,
Speaker 2: I roll with you, but I don't understand, Like what,
Speaker 2: I'm so confused. So is Trump saying the FBI rated
Speaker 2: his house to find Hillary's emails? So they didn't want
Speaker 2: the documents he declassified with his mind, No, they wanted
Speaker 2: the emails. He couldn't find but that he actually had
Speaker 2: the whole time at his house. Because Donald Trump is
Speaker 2: Hillary Clinton. What? So America already did elect this first
Speaker 2: female president? What?
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Speaker 1: This has been a Comedy Central podcastow