WEBVTT - Ep. 39; Imposter Syndrome, Rejection, Doing It All, & Relationships 0:00:14.000 --> 0:00:19.800 Personal Duelsman. This is an episode I like to do. 0:00:20.079 --> 0:00:23.680 It is all based on feedback. The whole reason I 0:00:23.680 --> 0:00:26.880 started this podcast was to make sure other people felt 0:00:26.920 --> 0:00:29.560 less alone and the things that they were dealing with. Well, 0:00:29.920 --> 0:00:32.800 the only way to truly know that I'm helping people 0:00:32.880 --> 0:00:36.480 do that is feedback and reaching out to you guys 0:00:36.479 --> 0:00:39.280 on social media and saying what should we talk about? 0:00:39.520 --> 0:00:42.000 So I did an episode like this background the holidays 0:00:42.120 --> 0:00:45.839 when everybody was really struggling with all kinds of things, 0:00:47.120 --> 0:00:51.479 very specifically to the holidays. But now we're kind of 0:00:51.560 --> 0:00:55.560 just in real life. It's into April, we're starting to 0:00:55.560 --> 0:00:58.040 get into summertime, and I wanted to check in and 0:00:58.040 --> 0:01:00.640 see how everybody was doing and share the things that 0:01:00.680 --> 0:01:03.960 they've been struggling with right now. So we're doing the 0:01:04.080 --> 0:01:07.200 similar aspect in hopes that maybe even more people are 0:01:07.200 --> 0:01:09.759 getting reached because I know the episodes I do are 0:01:10.080 --> 0:01:13.160 on very specific topics and we really dive deep into 0:01:13.200 --> 0:01:16.000 those things. So this is more broadened and it can 0:01:16.120 --> 0:01:19.440 hit so many different levels, and I'll offer advice where 0:01:19.440 --> 0:01:23.200 I can, or just an open space for you to 0:01:23.280 --> 0:01:26.959 feel heard. Maybe it's something that you submitted, or maybe 0:01:26.959 --> 0:01:29.640 it's something somebody else submitted and you're like, dang, I'm 0:01:29.680 --> 0:01:32.280 not alone. Those are the goals that we want to 0:01:32.319 --> 0:01:38.040 accomplish in this episode kicking things off, we've got a 0:01:38.080 --> 0:01:42.840 societal pressure on women after turning thirty. I don't know 0:01:42.840 --> 0:01:45.080 if you guys heard my episode with my parents, and 0:01:45.120 --> 0:01:47.000 I know the microphones were a little off and it 0:01:47.040 --> 0:01:50.640 was kind of funky, But I'm really lucky that I've 0:01:50.640 --> 0:01:54.560 always had parents who never pushed the whole marriage kids 0:01:54.600 --> 0:01:57.760 thing on me. They kind of knew I was going 0:01:57.800 --> 0:01:59.880 to do my own thing, as were all of their 0:02:00.360 --> 0:02:02.200 and they wanted us to be happy. That was the 0:02:02.240 --> 0:02:07.480 most important thing they wanted over us hitting some landmark 0:02:07.520 --> 0:02:11.080 goal of marriage, kids, a home, all that stuff. So 0:02:11.800 --> 0:02:15.240 I did grow up very lucky in that sense. Now, 0:02:16.400 --> 0:02:20.840 as a society, people believe that women the only thing 0:02:20.840 --> 0:02:24.919 they're supposed to accomplish is being a mother and having 0:02:24.960 --> 0:02:28.839 a ring on their hand and the woman to take 0:02:28.840 --> 0:02:31.200 care of their man. That's a very big belief still 0:02:31.240 --> 0:02:33.480 amongst a lot of people, and I love that for 0:02:33.520 --> 0:02:37.280 some people, if those are things that they truly want. 0:02:38.400 --> 0:02:40.560 But I learned really early that that wasn't going to 0:02:40.560 --> 0:02:43.240 be a path for me. I mean as a kid, 0:02:43.280 --> 0:02:45.080 I grew up, you know, white picket fence. I wanted 0:02:45.080 --> 0:02:47.960 four kids, the husband and all the things. And I 0:02:48.040 --> 0:02:51.520 still want those things, but it's certainly evolved in a 0:02:51.520 --> 0:02:56.440 lot of different ways. And what I thought would be 0:02:56.560 --> 0:03:00.680 marriage at twenty one and you know, my career and 0:03:00.720 --> 0:03:03.760 all of these things. No, I mean we're a decade later. 0:03:03.800 --> 0:03:06.040 I'm thirty one years old, I'm not married. I have 0:03:06.080 --> 0:03:08.600 a dog and a cat. I foster animals, and I 0:03:08.639 --> 0:03:11.120 do have my dream job, and I do own a house, 0:03:11.960 --> 0:03:15.440 but I don't have a husband. And if you looked 0:03:15.480 --> 0:03:19.440 at me and old societal standards, I'm a failure for that. 0:03:20.600 --> 0:03:24.000 But I don't think that I am. I think I'm 0:03:24.040 --> 0:03:28.640 a huge success actually, So when I start to think 0:03:28.720 --> 0:03:31.760 about societal pressure, I kind of think of it in 0:03:31.800 --> 0:03:35.200 funny terms, and I'm like, can you just imagine now, 0:03:35.280 --> 0:03:39.040 once upon a time they thought someone like me was 0:03:39.960 --> 0:03:43.440 not a success story because I didn't worth kids yet 0:03:43.480 --> 0:03:47.280 and I didn't say vows to somebody at an altar. 0:03:47.880 --> 0:03:50.760 Those are the two things we're determining of a success 0:03:50.800 --> 0:03:55.640 of a woman in her thirties. Jokes on them, because 0:03:55.640 --> 0:03:58.000 I actually think there's so many more incredible things you 0:03:58.000 --> 0:04:02.520 can accomplish in your lifetime than just that those things 0:04:02.560 --> 0:04:05.800 are incredible. Getting married and having a baby are so exciting, 0:04:07.000 --> 0:04:08.920 and I've made it really important to me and some 0:04:08.960 --> 0:04:14.280 of my friends to celebrate more than just that. We 0:04:14.320 --> 0:04:18.000 celebrated when I released this podcast. We celebrated when one 0:04:18.040 --> 0:04:20.920 of my friends got accepted to move into an apartment. 0:04:21.440 --> 0:04:27.440 We celebrated when somebody adopted two dogs. We celebrate more 0:04:27.600 --> 0:04:32.359 than just those moments in my friendships. Focusing on those 0:04:32.360 --> 0:04:36.760 things has really blurred the lines of societal pressure for me. 0:04:37.400 --> 0:04:42.039 So if you're feeling that way, start celebrating the really 0:04:42.040 --> 0:04:44.680 cool things in your life in the big moments when 0:04:44.720 --> 0:04:47.720 they come and when they happen. Don't wait for those 0:04:47.760 --> 0:04:52.040 moments of the baby shower and the wedding shower. Celebrate 0:04:52.160 --> 0:04:55.600 everything that you're successful at, and it kind of takes 0:04:55.600 --> 0:05:01.360 the power away from what society has taught us. Struggling 0:05:01.360 --> 0:05:03.479 with losing a job after ten years and starting over, 0:05:03.600 --> 0:05:09.120 rejection and all the things, gosh, I can't imagine. I 0:05:09.120 --> 0:05:11.280 know a lot of people are going through this. I've 0:05:11.360 --> 0:05:15.279 seen so many people in recent years losing jobs they've 0:05:15.279 --> 0:05:18.960 had for decades or years, and they're having to start 0:05:19.000 --> 0:05:24.720 over and figure things out. And it is always kind 0:05:24.720 --> 0:05:28.560 of that cheesy saying of rejection is redirection, and I 0:05:28.600 --> 0:05:31.640 do believe it in a way, but I also just 0:05:31.680 --> 0:05:34.440 think that's kind of a cop out to tell somebody 0:05:34.440 --> 0:05:38.279 when they're really struggling. Like, first, we need to recognize 0:05:38.279 --> 0:05:41.120 that this is a person who is now in a 0:05:41.200 --> 0:05:44.960 really uncomfortable, vulnerable position. They don't have a job, and 0:05:45.040 --> 0:05:49.279 job security is everything. It can change the course of 0:05:49.320 --> 0:05:53.040 your life. So I want to recognize to this person 0:05:53.120 --> 0:05:56.960 who wrote this in that that sucks. Losing a job 0:05:57.520 --> 0:06:03.159 absolutely sucks, and you didn't deserve it. But I do 0:06:03.279 --> 0:06:08.480 know that there will be a better outcome because of this, 0:06:08.839 --> 0:06:11.040 and you are the only one that can determine that. 0:06:11.520 --> 0:06:13.960 Can there be a worse outcome? Sure, could you be 0:06:14.040 --> 0:06:17.640 unemployed for a long time, yeah, absolutely, but I also 0:06:17.720 --> 0:06:21.440 believe that you can find a better job. And maybe 0:06:21.440 --> 0:06:24.720 this is a moment in your life where you were 0:06:24.720 --> 0:06:28.600 scared to get a little uncomfortable, because comfortability is amazing. 0:06:29.200 --> 0:06:31.560 You know how many times I've never wanted to get uncomfortable. 0:06:31.560 --> 0:06:33.159 I'm like, oh gosh, don't put me through that. I 0:06:33.240 --> 0:06:36.000 just let me keep doing my monotonous things every day 0:06:36.000 --> 0:06:40.480 because it's just easier. But maybe this is the universe screaming, hey, 0:06:41.320 --> 0:06:44.240 let's find something new for you that you really love 0:06:44.240 --> 0:06:47.800 and that you're really passionate about. And I do like 0:06:47.880 --> 0:06:50.760 to think that some moment like this will set you 0:06:50.800 --> 0:06:54.479 on a path that's going to be better. And mindset 0:06:54.520 --> 0:06:57.600 is everything. If you believe that for yourself, then that's 0:06:57.640 --> 0:07:00.880 what's going to happen. Never going to take away the 0:07:00.880 --> 0:07:07.360 fact that this sucks and you feeling rejection is very real, 0:07:09.279 --> 0:07:12.440 but it's not you. Losing a job doesn't have to 0:07:12.440 --> 0:07:15.520 do with you. Of course, in moments it does. Is 0:07:15.560 --> 0:07:17.680 there something that could have happened or you could have done? Sure, 0:07:18.800 --> 0:07:23.880 but people lose their jobs every day and being rejected 0:07:23.880 --> 0:07:31.800 from that does suck. However, being rejected from something is 0:07:31.840 --> 0:07:34.040 a way of saying, hey, this wasn't right for you. 0:07:35.320 --> 0:07:38.200 And I've had a lot of lessons in rejection, so 0:07:38.480 --> 0:07:42.160 I can tell you that Unfortunately, every time rejection has 0:07:42.200 --> 0:07:45.520 been correct, there was a reason that that didn't work 0:07:45.560 --> 0:07:49.760 out for me. So I do like to believe that 0:07:49.840 --> 0:07:53.000 there is better things coming for you, and I'm not 0:07:53.040 --> 0:07:59.440 going to tell you though. Redirection rejection is redirection been 0:07:59.560 --> 0:08:01.800 quite down since Christmas, and I can't shake it words 0:08:01.800 --> 0:08:07.720 of advice or something. I mean, gosh, I hate this 0:08:07.800 --> 0:08:10.640 for you. Seasonal depression is also a very real thing, 0:08:10.760 --> 0:08:13.880 and just depression in general is a really real thing. 0:08:16.200 --> 0:08:18.360 I think you start got to get out of your 0:08:18.360 --> 0:08:23.040 comfort zone to shake this and my moments of depression, 0:08:23.960 --> 0:08:25.440 one of the hardest things that I ever wanted to 0:08:25.440 --> 0:08:27.960 do was leave my house and just even go for 0:08:28.000 --> 0:08:31.880 a walk, be outside. Even in my life now, when 0:08:31.920 --> 0:08:34.120 I get so caught up in everything that's happening, I 0:08:34.160 --> 0:08:37.520 stop taking care of myself. I literally stop showering and 0:08:37.960 --> 0:08:40.560 eating good meals and taking my dog on a walk 0:08:40.559 --> 0:08:42.120 because I have so many other things I have to 0:08:42.160 --> 0:08:46.760 do and that's not good for me. I've realized it. 0:08:46.800 --> 0:08:48.280 I mean, you're hearing my voice right now, and I'm 0:08:48.280 --> 0:08:50.120 a little bit sick. And it's because I've ran my 0:08:50.160 --> 0:08:55.439 body so ragged. And when I was in depressive episodes, 0:08:56.559 --> 0:08:59.400 I would notice something similar happen where I wasn't taking 0:08:59.400 --> 0:09:04.679 care of myself. So plan a day where you can 0:09:04.720 --> 0:09:08.680 set aside and focus on things that you really love 0:09:08.760 --> 0:09:11.520 to do, I mean really love. It. Could be doing 0:09:11.520 --> 0:09:13.760 a puzzle, It could go on a hike. It could 0:09:13.800 --> 0:09:18.320 be watching your favorite movie. Spend an entire day doing 0:09:18.400 --> 0:09:22.720 things that only fill up your cup. Forget all of 0:09:22.760 --> 0:09:26.000 the adult responsibilities for the day. The laundry can wait, 0:09:26.280 --> 0:09:29.240 Vacuuming the house can wait. Your job can be set 0:09:29.280 --> 0:09:31.360 aside for a day a week, and whenever you have 0:09:31.480 --> 0:09:36.880 off and focus your energy solely on bringing joy back 0:09:36.920 --> 0:09:40.480 into your life. And it's gonna be hard when you 0:09:40.559 --> 0:09:42.200 feel off because it's the last thing you want to do, 0:09:42.320 --> 0:09:46.280 is like bring joy and serotonin. But the only person 0:09:46.280 --> 0:09:50.080 who can do that for you is you. So take 0:09:50.120 --> 0:09:53.200 that time. Set up a day only things you enjoy. 0:09:53.280 --> 0:09:56.400 I'm not kidding. Cancel everything else, block out a whole day, 0:09:57.000 --> 0:09:59.840 go get a massage, listen to music on repeat. What 0:10:00.000 --> 0:10:02.680 whatever it is. It could be all the free things. 0:10:02.679 --> 0:10:04.319 It could be spending a lot of money on yourself. 0:10:04.360 --> 0:10:08.080 Whatever you need to do, but find your way to 0:10:08.160 --> 0:10:12.640 bring joy back into your life. Whenever I focused and 0:10:12.720 --> 0:10:16.480 did that, I felt myself turned corners And I do 0:10:16.520 --> 0:10:22.200 hope that helps for you. Leadership support when you live 0:10:22.480 --> 0:10:26.360 with a chronic illness. I was messaging somebody on Instagram 0:10:26.440 --> 0:10:29.080 about this. This was the person who sent it in 0:10:29.720 --> 0:10:33.520 And this is really tough, right. We are in a time. 0:10:33.600 --> 0:10:35.960 You guys have heard a few episodes now with a 0:10:35.960 --> 0:10:39.440 few different experts and people talking about chronic illnesses and 0:10:39.480 --> 0:10:42.400 things that people are experiencing right now, and it's tough. 0:10:42.480 --> 0:10:48.200 Everybody's going through so many things and finding jobs and 0:10:48.320 --> 0:10:53.280 managers and gosh, even people who you rent from to 0:10:53.480 --> 0:10:57.480 understand what you're experiencing, because chronic illness affects so much 0:10:57.520 --> 0:11:00.720 more than just your body. It also affects your job, 0:11:00.920 --> 0:11:05.440 the people in your life, et cetera, et cetera, So 0:11:05.640 --> 0:11:10.200 having support from people above you is hard. I think 0:11:10.240 --> 0:11:14.480 some of that comes from lack of understanding. There's lack 0:11:14.520 --> 0:11:17.079 of empathy for sure, too, and you know you can't 0:11:17.160 --> 0:11:21.839 make people empathize. But one thing that we can do 0:11:22.000 --> 0:11:25.440 is be honest and open about the things that we're experiencing. 0:11:25.559 --> 0:11:29.560 Too often we're afraid to have those conversations and be 0:11:29.640 --> 0:11:32.040 honest about it and really be honest about how bad 0:11:32.040 --> 0:11:36.040 it is. So but do it in a way that 0:11:36.160 --> 0:11:38.679 like you're not jeopardizing your job. Right, You don't go 0:11:38.720 --> 0:11:40.360 and say, oh my gosh, I can't do X, Y 0:11:40.440 --> 0:11:43.440 and Z. But I do think we go to our 0:11:43.960 --> 0:11:50.120 leadership and have a one on one conversation with them 0:11:50.200 --> 0:11:53.040 and just say, hey, I'm really struggling with this, and 0:11:53.080 --> 0:11:55.960 I know there's going to be times that this may 0:11:56.120 --> 0:11:58.360 impact me, but I promise that I'm going to do 0:11:58.440 --> 0:12:00.679 everything in my power to complete the job. And I 0:12:00.760 --> 0:12:03.720 just want to know that we're on the same page 0:12:03.880 --> 0:12:06.880 and we're working for the same team here because I 0:12:06.920 --> 0:12:09.000 don't want this to impact my job, I don't want 0:12:09.040 --> 0:12:12.200 it to impact you, but I also am going to 0:12:12.280 --> 0:12:16.680 have moments where this is going to happen. It's really 0:12:16.679 --> 0:12:20.120 easy for us to just expect, you know, people to 0:12:20.240 --> 0:12:25.160 understand and empathize and have compassion, but we're sorely lacking 0:12:25.240 --> 0:12:27.480 that in a lot of ways. We get really caught 0:12:27.520 --> 0:12:29.120 up in our own I even do it like I 0:12:29.240 --> 0:12:31.240 caught up in my own life and gosh, all the 0:12:31.240 --> 0:12:33.640 things that are happening in mind that I can kind 0:12:33.640 --> 0:12:36.560 of forget that. Oh yeah, other people are experiencing a 0:12:36.600 --> 0:12:40.280 crap ton of things too, saying goes for managers and 0:12:40.480 --> 0:12:45.960 bosses and management, they're not thinking about this, especially in 0:12:46.000 --> 0:12:49.160 the ways that you are. So you're gonna have to 0:12:49.600 --> 0:12:54.280 kind of full frontal say the entire plan and kind 0:12:54.320 --> 0:12:57.600 of lay it out in order for you just start 0:12:57.640 --> 0:13:03.440 to find some sort of support in relief. And like 0:13:03.480 --> 0:13:06.400 I said, that could be difficult given a boss or 0:13:06.840 --> 0:13:09.280 a manager if they're not open or willing to have 0:13:09.360 --> 0:13:11.680 these conversations or they see it as a problem. So 0:13:12.360 --> 0:13:15.480 definitely like plan and have the things you want to 0:13:15.520 --> 0:13:18.520 say out, but do it in a way that's supportive 0:13:18.600 --> 0:13:21.559 to you, not like putting you in a bad light, 0:13:21.679 --> 0:13:26.200 because having chronic illness is not your fault and you 0:13:26.200 --> 0:13:32.079 shouldn't be punished for that. So really meticulously pay attention 0:13:32.160 --> 0:13:34.120 to how and what you're going to say. But I 0:13:34.200 --> 0:13:37.400 do think conversations are so important on the topic of 0:13:37.520 --> 0:13:40.200 chronic illness. I got a message from Brittany who wrote 0:13:40.240 --> 0:13:42.520 into me saying she would love to talk about being 0:13:42.520 --> 0:13:45.960 a mom to kids with chronic health conditions, and I 0:13:46.080 --> 0:13:47.960 really wanted to give her the space to share this 0:13:48.080 --> 0:13:52.320 because I think there's many moms, parents, dads out there 0:13:52.440 --> 0:13:55.480 who can relate to what she is sharing and wants 0:13:55.559 --> 0:13:59.240 to make sure other parents feel seen and understood on 0:13:59.320 --> 0:13:59.920 this level. 0:14:00.400 --> 0:14:03.680 Hi, my name's Brittany and I'm a mom to three daughters. 0:14:03.960 --> 0:14:05.840 I have an eight year old, a five year old 0:14:05.920 --> 0:14:08.160 and a three year old, and my eight year old 0:14:08.200 --> 0:14:10.679 and five year old both suffer from a chronic health condition. 0:14:11.320 --> 0:14:14.160 My five year old has food allergies and my eight 0:14:14.200 --> 0:14:17.480 year old was diagnosed in September of twenty four with 0:14:17.600 --> 0:14:21.360 type one diabetes. And as a parent, when your child 0:14:21.480 --> 0:14:26.960 is given a diagnosis that is life changing and life altering, 0:14:27.240 --> 0:14:31.480 it's very scary. There's a lot of fear of the unknown, 0:14:32.200 --> 0:14:34.840 and you really have to more in the life that 0:14:34.920 --> 0:14:38.120 you thought you were going to have. My five year 0:14:38.120 --> 0:14:41.320 old she'll eventually outgrow her food allergies, but my eight 0:14:41.400 --> 0:14:44.600 year old, she won't grow out of type one diabetes. 0:14:46.680 --> 0:14:50.560 And when she was diagnosed, it was super scary and 0:14:50.880 --> 0:14:54.640 it felt like our world got flipped upside down. I 0:14:54.720 --> 0:14:57.440 went from knowing how to take care of my child 0:14:57.880 --> 0:15:03.160 to learning how to give insulin shots and count carbs 0:15:03.240 --> 0:15:07.200 so that we could properly dose her insulin. And while 0:15:07.200 --> 0:15:09.240 they do the best they can to teach you in 0:15:09.280 --> 0:15:14.960 the hospital, it's a crash course and it doesn't make 0:15:15.000 --> 0:15:21.360 it easy to feel confident in what you're doing. We've 0:15:21.360 --> 0:15:26.360 been doing this now for about seven months, and I'm 0:15:26.400 --> 0:15:32.040 only just now feeling confident in us going out to 0:15:32.160 --> 0:15:37.520 eat or going to a birthday party and having an 0:15:37.560 --> 0:15:43.680 idea of how to accurately dose her insulin without having 0:15:43.680 --> 0:15:46.640 a scale to measure the amount of food. It's been 0:15:46.760 --> 0:15:52.720 challenging as a parent to know that at the end 0:15:52.720 --> 0:15:56.240 of the day, I'm doing the best that I can 0:15:56.840 --> 0:16:02.080 and that's all I can do as a mom. I 0:16:02.160 --> 0:16:05.280 know the it feels like the weight of the world 0:16:05.360 --> 0:16:09.960 is on our shoulders. But it's okay to ask for help. 0:16:10.760 --> 0:16:16.360 It's okay to feel sad that your life looks different 0:16:16.400 --> 0:16:17.360 than what you thought it was. 0:16:17.320 --> 0:16:17.960 Going to look like. 0:16:19.760 --> 0:16:25.200 And it's okay that your life is different than your 0:16:25.240 --> 0:16:31.600 siblings and your cousins or your friends. It doesn't make 0:16:33.160 --> 0:16:37.920 it any less rewarding to be a parent if your 0:16:38.000 --> 0:16:42.920 child has a health condition. If anything, it teaches us 0:16:43.560 --> 0:16:48.480 how to be flexible and be adaptable to the changes 0:16:48.520 --> 0:16:55.040 in life. And while I miss what our life used 0:16:55.040 --> 0:17:00.040 to look like, I wouldn't trade anything. I love my 0:17:00.120 --> 0:17:02.320 daughter more than anything. I love all three of my 0:17:02.360 --> 0:17:07.240 girls more than anything. But it's it has been a 0:17:07.320 --> 0:17:11.520 change for us that, while difficult, has brought us all 0:17:11.560 --> 0:17:16.280 closer together. And while like I said, I miss our 0:17:16.320 --> 0:17:19.640 old life, I wouldn't change any of it. If anybody's 0:17:19.680 --> 0:17:22.040 out there dealing with a chronic health condition with their 0:17:22.119 --> 0:17:25.840 kids and it's new and it's scary, just know it 0:17:25.880 --> 0:17:29.320 gets better and it won't be scary once it's not 0:17:29.440 --> 0:17:32.439 new anymore. Anything new is scary because we don't know 0:17:32.440 --> 0:17:36.680 what to expect. But allow yourself to feel sad, allow 0:17:36.720 --> 0:17:38.479 yourself to more in the life you thought you were 0:17:38.520 --> 0:17:41.119 going to have, but embrace the life you were given 0:17:41.720 --> 0:17:45.520 and just love your kids and know it gets better. 0:17:46.560 --> 0:17:52.520 Green flag and red flag you notice right away. Green 0:17:52.560 --> 0:17:56.640 flags I notice are for sure consistency and people, especially 0:17:56.640 --> 0:17:59.480 as I've gotten deeper into relationships and the more that 0:17:59.480 --> 0:18:05.240 I've experien I can pick up within two, three, four 0:18:05.320 --> 0:18:08.360 dates if a guy is going to show up consistently, 0:18:08.520 --> 0:18:12.920 like are his words and actions aligning? Is he making 0:18:13.359 --> 0:18:16.360 me feel like I have this gut feeling now that's 0:18:16.359 --> 0:18:20.280 so wild. I had kind of started seeing a guy 0:18:20.800 --> 0:18:22.000 and I think we were about to kind of have 0:18:22.040 --> 0:18:26.600 our fourth date, and the first few days were so great, 0:18:27.600 --> 0:18:29.719 but then he started to just back off, and I 0:18:29.760 --> 0:18:31.960 was like, I don't know where I stand with that guy. 0:18:33.200 --> 0:18:35.879 And when you don't know where you stand with somebody. 0:18:36.200 --> 0:18:39.920 It's a bad thing, even in the early stages, because 0:18:39.960 --> 0:18:41.960 it's so easy for someone to say, Hey, I like you, 0:18:42.000 --> 0:18:44.080 I want to see you. Hey I don't like you. 0:18:44.119 --> 0:18:46.680 This is not working out for me. Those two things 0:18:46.720 --> 0:18:50.800 are actually easy to say if you have a heart. Unfortunately, 0:18:51.960 --> 0:18:55.680 so if anybody ever makes you feel like you don't 0:18:55.680 --> 0:18:57.720 know where you stand with him, it's a red flag, 0:18:58.840 --> 0:19:01.200 and it's gonna to tell you a lot more about 0:19:01.200 --> 0:19:03.800 a person very quickly. Then. I think a lot of 0:19:03.920 --> 0:19:06.040 us want to give credit to and our guts are 0:19:06.040 --> 0:19:08.120 always spot on about that we kind of just shove 0:19:08.160 --> 0:19:11.160 them away, you know. He started to like somebody get excited. 0:19:11.240 --> 0:19:13.879 It's fun to be excited about somebody. I was excited 0:19:13.920 --> 0:19:17.880 about that guy for a brief second, and then I realized, 0:19:17.920 --> 0:19:20.600 I don't want to be with somebody where I have 0:19:20.640 --> 0:19:22.960 to question how I feel and what he feels. That's 0:19:22.960 --> 0:19:27.000 not fun for me. So that's not a good thing. 0:19:27.320 --> 0:19:30.920 So consistency kind of falls in a red green flag 0:19:31.000 --> 0:19:34.119 in a way, like I'm paying attention to this and 0:19:34.160 --> 0:19:35.840 it's either going to turn into a red flag or 0:19:35.840 --> 0:19:39.119 a green flag. I did an episode about my abusive relationship, 0:19:39.160 --> 0:19:41.000 which was really one of the first times I've talked 0:19:41.000 --> 0:19:43.880 about that. So this is in These next two questions 0:19:43.920 --> 0:19:46.040 are in relation to that, after getting out of a 0:19:46.119 --> 0:19:49.199 narcissistic and abuse relationship, how to feel safe in a 0:19:49.240 --> 0:19:51.919 new one, how to stop all the overthinking and reading 0:19:52.000 --> 0:19:54.439 way too much into every little thing. I'm currently with 0:19:54.480 --> 0:19:56.399 an amazing guy about to get married in October, but 0:19:56.440 --> 0:19:59.320 I have days where I'm thinking, when is this going 0:19:59.359 --> 0:19:59.960 to blow up? 0:20:00.119 --> 0:20:00.280 Up? 0:20:01.040 --> 0:20:06.399 Oh? Man, girlfriend, I haven't reached that point yet. You 0:20:06.400 --> 0:20:09.320 know where I'm about to be married, so I can't 0:20:09.320 --> 0:20:12.640 tell you that it ever goes away, and I don't 0:20:12.680 --> 0:20:17.600 think it really does. You know, in the new healthy 0:20:17.680 --> 0:20:21.399 stage that I'm in currently right now with somebody, I 0:20:21.440 --> 0:20:25.440 am questioning this every day. When's the shoe going to drop? 0:20:25.640 --> 0:20:28.560 What's gonna happen? What bad flag are you going to 0:20:28.600 --> 0:20:33.560 show me? Who are you? This isn't real? And it 0:20:34.080 --> 0:20:36.360 teeters on this fact that I have to allow this 0:20:36.400 --> 0:20:40.520 person to not be responsible for the things that I've 0:20:40.560 --> 0:20:44.399 been through, but also hold this person accountable that I 0:20:44.640 --> 0:20:50.280 don't experience the same things that I've already experienced. And 0:20:50.320 --> 0:20:54.360 that's really hard to teeter because this other person deserves 0:20:54.440 --> 0:20:59.080 respect and your genuine heart and giving them the opportunity, 0:20:59.200 --> 0:21:01.600 especially this person send for you who has proposed to 0:21:01.640 --> 0:21:04.680 you and you're about to get married to, giving them 0:21:04.960 --> 0:21:08.720 the opportunity to show you that not all people are 0:21:08.880 --> 0:21:12.040 like that. But there is a protection level, and I 0:21:12.080 --> 0:21:17.080 don't think protection ever goes away. I think you learn 0:21:17.160 --> 0:21:19.639 to cope with it, and I think you learn to 0:21:19.720 --> 0:21:25.160 understand it and move through it. And at the end 0:21:25.200 --> 0:21:28.639 of the day, something that I'm really fighting hard to 0:21:29.080 --> 0:21:34.959 teach myself is that the other shoe could always drop. 0:21:36.080 --> 0:21:38.520 But am I really going to keep living my life 0:21:39.119 --> 0:21:44.439 in new relationships and new friendships and new anything like 0:21:44.480 --> 0:21:47.960 the shoe is always going to drop? Do I deserve that? 0:21:48.520 --> 0:21:51.880 Do I deserve to sit there and always be anxious? 0:21:52.000 --> 0:21:55.800 Or do I deserve to dive in and allow good 0:21:55.800 --> 0:21:58.320 things to happen to me? Because I deserve good things 0:21:58.359 --> 0:22:03.080 to happen to me. And I think you're probably in 0:22:03.119 --> 0:22:06.199 that similar place. But clearly, this is a person that 0:22:06.240 --> 0:22:09.359 you are with who you do feel safe with, and 0:22:09.400 --> 0:22:14.480 you feel good enough to be engaged to him, and 0:22:14.560 --> 0:22:18.560 there is always always the possibility that the shoe will drop, 0:22:19.600 --> 0:22:24.560 But you have to trust yourself enough to know to 0:22:24.600 --> 0:22:29.360 get out when the shoe does drop, and to pick 0:22:29.400 --> 0:22:32.160 yourself back up when that shoe does drop. You have 0:22:32.280 --> 0:22:35.760 to put the trust back in who you are. It 0:22:35.800 --> 0:22:38.400 took a lot of time for me to understand trusting 0:22:38.440 --> 0:22:40.840 in myself and trusting that I was making the right 0:22:40.920 --> 0:22:46.919 choices for myself and relationships after that one. So a 0:22:46.960 --> 0:22:49.520 lot of what you're experiencing in this shoe drop, and 0:22:49.560 --> 0:22:51.560 I can only tell you this because I know the 0:22:51.600 --> 0:22:55.960 feeling and I'm currently experiencing it, is that you have 0:22:56.000 --> 0:22:59.199 to trust that you've healed and done the work and 0:22:59.240 --> 0:23:04.840 that you made the right choice until they prove you otherwise. 0:23:05.000 --> 0:23:08.960 You can only base your data off of the information 0:23:09.040 --> 0:23:11.600 that you've been given and the information that you've been 0:23:11.600 --> 0:23:13.879 given so far. As this is a person who is 0:23:13.960 --> 0:23:17.879 amazing and wants to marry you. But the minute that 0:23:17.960 --> 0:23:21.160 ever changes, you know what to do. You know you'll 0:23:21.160 --> 0:23:25.639 get out, you know you'll do better. So why you 0:23:25.680 --> 0:23:28.440 and me, girlfriend, are we sitting here and being like, 0:23:28.520 --> 0:23:32.120 dang the other she's gonna drop sometime soon. Huh, Let's 0:23:32.119 --> 0:23:35.199 stop doing that both of us, girlfriend, because I got 0:23:35.240 --> 0:23:38.720 to too. Okay, I do. I'm in this with you. 0:23:40.440 --> 0:23:43.000 If you have a friend family member in a toxic relationship, 0:23:43.520 --> 0:23:46.480 What are the right things to say to help them 0:23:47.280 --> 0:23:51.080 see what's happening, And how can we truly help someone 0:23:51.119 --> 0:23:53.280 see what's going on and how it looks from the outside. 0:23:53.840 --> 0:23:55.960 I was having a conversation with somebody about this today 0:23:56.600 --> 0:23:59.639 and that person who is experiencing something with one of 0:23:59.640 --> 0:24:03.560 their kids. It's who was like kind of having an 0:24:03.600 --> 0:24:06.440 experience that I was having, and he wanted a kid's 0:24:06.480 --> 0:24:13.399 perspective when he's a parent. And I think the best 0:24:13.400 --> 0:24:16.879 thing that we can offer people when they are in 0:24:16.960 --> 0:24:21.800 relationships that we don't support is our support. And I'm 0:24:21.840 --> 0:24:23.920 not saying that you have to be there all the time. 0:24:23.960 --> 0:24:26.920 If you've gosh, it's gotten so toxic and you're just 0:24:27.000 --> 0:24:29.359 like in it, and you're like, I cannot keep offering 0:24:29.400 --> 0:24:34.240 this person my undenying support every single time they call 0:24:34.359 --> 0:24:38.639 or text me. That's fine, and I understand that, but 0:24:40.640 --> 0:24:45.720 letting them know like, hey, I love you, and I 0:24:45.760 --> 0:24:48.040