Speaker 1: Welcome everyone to this edition of Amy and DJ. In
Speaker 1: this episode, have you ever just been scrolling through Instagram
Speaker 1: and you see a quote and it catches your eye?
Speaker 1: J you do this all the time.
Speaker 2: I have never done it. Tell me about it, please,
Speaker 2: But I know you like scrolling.
Speaker 1: Yes, you know I do it. And so just the
Speaker 1: other day, actually something caught my eye, and I actually
Speaker 1: think I was struggling with a little mom guilt, and
Speaker 1: so I think this one popped out on me. And
Speaker 1: I also believe that my phone hears me.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, you think apples your.
Speaker 1: Rates certain sites so that I see them just when
Speaker 1: I'm thinking about the most she.
Speaker 2: Thinks if we're discussing chicken wing, chicken wings, they're going
Speaker 2: to put up chicken wing ads on her Instagram?
Speaker 1: Is just show up what she thinks on my advertisement.
Speaker 1: I have shown you. I feel like I've proven it
Speaker 1: time and time again.
Speaker 2: But the other day, you have some parenting guilt.
Speaker 1: Back to the story, I think about some parenting guilt
Speaker 1: and this I'm going to just kind of read what
Speaker 1: was on my screen on this Instagram site. The quality
Speaker 1: of your parent child relationship outranks every other factor in
Speaker 1: predicting your child's lifelong mental health. Now my attention is
Speaker 1: completely there, not your rules, not your discipline style, not
Speaker 1: your parenting techniques. It's the connection itself. Your child isn't
Speaker 1: rebelling against your rules, They're rebelling against disconnection. It was
Speaker 1: never about behavior, It was always about belonging. Yeah, because
Speaker 1: it's really really cool. The quality of your relationship is
Speaker 1: the biggest determining factor in your child's mental health or
Speaker 1: mental well being. So then you know how you just
Speaker 1: you scroll through. There's different screens. There's a bunch of
Speaker 1: other powerful quotes in this one Instagram post, but it
Speaker 1: ends with this. You think they're testing boundaries, they're testing
Speaker 1: something deeper. Does your love remain when they're at their worst?
Speaker 1: Your answer becomes the their blue print for self worth.
Speaker 1: Holy moly, Like I had chills from head to toe.
Speaker 2: And I have not stopped hearing about this woman ever.
Speaker 1: Look, I said, TJ, I often annoy you by showing
Speaker 1: you things that moved me online. I immediately told you
Speaker 1: I know about this post.
Speaker 2: I know which ones to dismiss.
Speaker 1: This wasn't one, so I saw it, and look, I
Speaker 1: am most of us are probably discerning in terms of
Speaker 1: who we follow because you don't want to be inundated.
Speaker 1: But I just immediately started following this Instagram site, and
Speaker 1: I think within a day I got a d M
Speaker 1: back and thanking me for following her, and it was
Speaker 1: really sweet and it was just really I just moved me.
Speaker 1: And then I thought, wait, this woman seems awesome, her
Speaker 1: site is incredible. Why wouldn't we have her on the podcast?
Speaker 1: And so guess what only Yeah, she's actually sitting right
Speaker 1: across from us right now. Reamrouta joins us at Parenting
Speaker 1: Expert author Mom, and just thank you for being here.
Speaker 1: And you really really grabbed my attention. The deeper dive
Speaker 1: I did on your Instagram account, the more I fell
Speaker 1: in love with what you're telling parents.
Speaker 3: Thank you, so thank you. I'm thrilled to be here
Speaker 3: with you. Thank you all.
Speaker 1: So how does one become a parenting expert? How did
Speaker 1: you get started in all of this? When did you
Speaker 1: have your aha moment?
Speaker 3: Well, I started my parenting journey on the wrong foot.
Speaker 3: I was very anxious and nervous and panicked and full
Speaker 3: of unprocessed anger that was coming up with my son,
Speaker 3: with my baby son when he was so young, and
Speaker 3: then COVID hit right around when he was about turning two,
Speaker 3: and I broke. I had my breakdown, my rock bottom.
Speaker 3: I was just in debilitating fear. There was also a
Speaker 3: tragedy in my family that also hit me, and I
Speaker 3: just broke and things were not going well between me
Speaker 3: and my son. He wasn't sleeping, I was yelling. It
Speaker 3: was a mess. But when I broke, it hit me
Speaker 3: like a ton of bricks. What was the problem, And
Speaker 3: the problem was me. It was what I was bringing
Speaker 3: to the table. It was my energy that my son
Speaker 3: was reacting to. His behavior was you know, just a
Speaker 3: reflection of my inner landscape. And the breakdown led me
Speaker 3: to just this self awareness, this transformation, reading, meditating, learning,
Speaker 3: and then I found doctor Shefali, who is a you know,
Speaker 3: the conscious parenting god, and I started learning from her
Speaker 3: and then I became trained through her to become a
Speaker 3: conscious parenting coach. Because of the transformation I had, I
Speaker 3: went from one end to the extreme other, and I
Speaker 3: wanted all parents to feel the liberation and the change
Speaker 3: and the amazingness that I now feel.
Speaker 2: I don't even know where to start, so I'm going
Speaker 2: to go back to where you said, the initial anxiety
Speaker 2: when your son was a baby. Was what you were
Speaker 2: going through them then something that a lot of parents
Speaker 2: go through. Is it typical or do you think you
Speaker 2: were doing or what you were was happening to you?
Speaker 2: Was more on an extreme end.
Speaker 3: I think it was typical, A little extra because of
Speaker 3: my childhood that I never dealt with. I actually, until
Speaker 3: I was forty one, I said I had the best childhood.
Speaker 3: It was great. And then when I started really looking
Speaker 3: at it, I didn't at all. I told myself I
Speaker 3: had a great childhood. I was living in a state
Speaker 3: of fear constantly. I was physically abused by my father. Sorry,
Speaker 3: I you know, I don't remember my mother playing with me.
Speaker 3: Sorry mom, I don't you know. And our children are
Speaker 3: gurus and the fact that they show us where we
Speaker 3: need to heal. So my son's inability to sleep just
Speaker 3: had me on a tailspin, and I was literally yelling
Speaker 3: at him to fall asleep. And I think, yes, so,
Speaker 3: I think every parent comes with their own story, with
Speaker 3: their own unresolved issues. But mine was just a lot
Speaker 3: of anxiety and rage inside.
Speaker 1: Were you parenting the way you were parented?
Speaker 3: Yes too, Yes, I was actually neurotically repeating things my
Speaker 3: dad used to say to me to my son for
Speaker 3: no reason, you know, I just it just came out
Speaker 3: like a robot. And yeah, I was hot tempered like
Speaker 3: my father. And now I'm you know, I really don't
Speaker 3: yell anymore.
Speaker 1: Your story, when I was reading the background of it,
Speaker 1: spoke to me because I look back. I also had
Speaker 1: a child, my first baby, who didn't sleep for a year,
Speaker 1: and I actually thought I was going to lose my
Speaker 1: mind because you have these certain expectations about how a
Speaker 1: child is supposed to act. Because that's what I was,
Speaker 1: that was what was expected of me. So you then
Speaker 1: immediately expect that of your children, and then you think
Speaker 1: you can control them, and it turns out you can't
Speaker 1: actually control anyone else but yourself. But yes, that's when
Speaker 1: you start yelling, you start getting aggravated. And look, I've
Speaker 1: struggled with those defaults in my parenting, and I've looked
Speaker 1: back and thought, if I could do it again, I
Speaker 1: would have done it so differently. So hearing what you
Speaker 1: have to say to parents to me is such a
Speaker 1: game changer because we were trying, We're all trying to
Speaker 1: do the right thing. We're all trying to get our
Speaker 1: children to be good people to behave to be respectful.
Speaker 1: But how do you do that without being controlling and
Speaker 1: being a disciplinarian. You say, there's another way.
Speaker 3: Yes, And that's the magic place that I think we
Speaker 3: all as parents need to try to get to. It's between. Yes,
Speaker 3: our children need boundaries, they actually crave boundaries or else
Speaker 3: that causes anxiety too. We need to hold them and
Speaker 3: guide them. But without that control, without fear, without shame,
Speaker 3: and keeping. You know, we think that our power as
Speaker 3: parents comes in how much we have, how much control
Speaker 3: we have over our children. But that's so wrong. Our
Speaker 3: power and our influence is in our strength of our
Speaker 3: relationship with our children. That is what we have to
Speaker 3: focus on. That is what we have to hold on to.
Speaker 3: That is what we have to put Number one not
Speaker 3: quote unquote discipline, because when we say discipline, it usually
Speaker 3: means punishment. Discipline means to teach, to guide. So yes,
Speaker 3: we are supposed to discipline our children. We're not supposed
Speaker 3: to punish them. Punishment doesn't even work, it's it's counterproductive.
Speaker 3: That's another podcast episode.
Speaker 1: But you know, I made a whole bunch of mistakes
Speaker 1: because I'm telling you, punishment was a huge part of
Speaker 1: my parenting.
Speaker 2: But what do you mean by you keep saying relationship
Speaker 2: is important? What does that look like aside from discipline?
Speaker 2: What does it look like for parent? Who's listening right now?
Speaker 2: And how am I supposed to improve relationship?
Speaker 3: Okay? Well, relationship is everything and it sounds simple, but
Speaker 3: it's the hardest thing to do because it takes the
Speaker 3: parent being present and none of us are. You know,
Speaker 3: it's especially in this day and age. We are busy,
Speaker 3: we are distracted, we are always in a rush, we
Speaker 3: are stressed, we are frazzled, and we're not even connecting
Speaker 3: with our children. We're not sitting with them and doing nothing.
Speaker 1: We're giving them iPads and iPhones or we're on ours.
Speaker 3: Yes exactly, and there's just it's all disconnection. Really, what's
Speaker 3: going on. We're not having deep conversations, we're not you know,
Speaker 3: open emotionally with them, vice versa. It's just like getting
Speaker 3: through the day overscheduled and we're not there. It's not
Speaker 3: another myth is what we do for our children? Do
Speaker 3: do do? We're so consumed with what we do for
Speaker 3: them that we forget who we are to them, and
Speaker 3: that's what matters. We need to be We are their
Speaker 3: safety net. We are their you know, their world. They
Speaker 3: are so needy for us emotionally, and no one tells
Speaker 3: us that. No one teaches us that. They just tell
Speaker 3: us the types of diapers to get and wet wipes,
Speaker 3: and they don't say the first three years are the
Speaker 3: most important. They don't tell us that. They tell us
Speaker 3: to ignore them when they're crying at night.
Speaker 1: You know, I did that. I have chills because I
Speaker 1: did that, and I felt guilty when I was doing it,
Speaker 1: but I did it because I thought I was supposed to.
Speaker 3: I know, I know, you say, pick that baby up. Yes,
Speaker 3: I did it too. I was you know, my doctor,
Speaker 3: even against of course, it's against all of our motherly
Speaker 3: instincts to do that. And that was before I had
Speaker 3: my AHA. And it's my biggest regret of my life
Speaker 3: and it haunts me a lot and I fight not
Speaker 3: you know, thinking about it. But it's the worst thing
Speaker 3: we could possibly do, neglect our babies when they need
Speaker 3: us the most, you know what I mean. I'm sorry,
Speaker 3: but you know what, we didn't know what we didn't know,
Speaker 3: and it's okay, yeah, you know, you know, we we
Speaker 3: think that we're supposed to trust these doctors that tell us,
Speaker 3: you know that know better than us. But I'm sorry
Speaker 3: when it comes to that, that is neglect.
Speaker 1: I think too, like I don't. I felt this responsibility,
Speaker 1: especially having two little girls, that my job. I had
Speaker 1: this in the back of my head almost in a
Speaker 1: weird way, not to get too involved or too connected.
Speaker 1: I told myself, my job is not to have them
Speaker 1: need me, but to have them be independent of me.
Speaker 1: That that was my job as a parent, to not
Speaker 1: create these needy creatures who I felt completed by, but
Speaker 1: instead to raise independent And so for that I almost
Speaker 1: tried to create a little bit of a disconnect so
Speaker 1: I didn't get overly emotional.
Speaker 3: Yes, and that's a big misconception too, the independence thing.
Speaker 3: We so young, we push our children dress yourself, feed yourself,
Speaker 3: entertain yourself, put your shoes on, by yourself, pushing them
Speaker 3: to be independent. But that's not how independence comes. It
Speaker 3: comes from them feeling so satisfied and depending on us.
Speaker 3: Then independence comes letting, you know, taking care of them,
Speaker 3: doing things for them, and then one day they're like, no, mommy,
Speaker 3: I want to do it. You know what I mean.
Speaker 3: That's that's true independence, not pushed because they take it
Speaker 3: as pushing them away from us, not you know, and
Speaker 3: and why is this? Why are we so rushed for
Speaker 3: them to be independent? Anyways? Right, they're babies, they're small kids,
Speaker 3: they're tartherers. What is the rush? Right?
Speaker 2: Well, I'm so are we just going to Can you
Speaker 2: ever really have a shift in the way we parent
Speaker 2: in this country? No matter how many books we put out,
Speaker 2: no matter how many experts we have come on, no
Speaker 2: matter how many times they go to whatever CDC, FDA
Speaker 2: or whatever child organization online, don't don't most people in
Speaker 2: this country end up learning parenting from their parents. And
Speaker 2: it's is it not just a cycle that continues? And
Speaker 2: how is that cycle ever going to get broken?
Speaker 3: I know, Well that's my mission is to break the cycle.
Speaker 3: It's the most important work. I think it's I think
Speaker 3: it's our responsibility as parents. There was no manual, no
Speaker 3: exam to take. We just wing it. We don't know
Speaker 3: what the hell we're doing. And it's such a crucial, vital,
Speaker 3: fundamental job that is literally shaping a soul. You know,
Speaker 3: the parent child dynamic is responsible for our lives.
Speaker 1: Really, it affects every other relationship in your life. You're
Speaker 1: whoever your significant other is you are. From what I've
Speaker 1: read and gathered, you are healing your wounds, yes, from
Speaker 1: your childhood. And so whatever is happening in your home
Speaker 1: when you're younger is absolutely going to come into your
Speaker 1: home in a marriage or in a relationship situation.
Speaker 3: Absolutely. And I think this is why we're all kind
Speaker 3: of screwed up as adults. You know, addicted alcoholics, depressed
Speaker 3: on anxiety medication. I had severe anxiety and depression and
Speaker 3: I had to get hypnotized. It was so bad. It
Speaker 3: didn't work, by the way, But you know it, and
Speaker 3: it's all comes back to our childhood. It's everything. It's
Speaker 3: not a dress rehearsal. It's the entire play, it's the
Speaker 3: entire life depends on. And it's the relationship. Life is
Speaker 3: about relationships. So it's the father, the mother, how they
Speaker 3: are with their child. The child comes with two needs,
Speaker 3: a strong parental attachment and the need to be their
Speaker 3: authentic selves. Again, they both sound simple, but we screw
Speaker 3: both of them up in a few days.
Speaker 1: And I wonder how much a lot of this has
Speaker 1: culturally comes into play too. You know, I come from
Speaker 1: a family, a long line of German Catholics, and there was,
Speaker 1: you know, being strict and being faithful and all of
Speaker 1: that was a big part of it. And there are
Speaker 1: a lot of amazing things that come from that. But
Speaker 1: I remember part of a parenting philosophy I heard growing
Speaker 1: up is my job is not to be your friend.
Speaker 1: You can have your own friends. My job is not
Speaker 1: to be your friend. What do you think about parents
Speaker 1: being friends with their children? Is that a good thing?
Speaker 1: Can that be a bad thing? A lot of people
Speaker 1: have vastly different views on that.
Speaker 3: I'm actually gonna make a post about that because I yes,
Speaker 3: be their friend. Why not? They need you as a friend.
Speaker 3: It doesn't mean you have to erase being a parent. Yes, right,
Speaker 3: like they people think either friend or a parent? Yeah both,
Speaker 3: I'm I'm I you know, because this is what happened.
Speaker 3: We take on parenting as a role and we play
Speaker 3: the part. We are in control. We have to be strict,
Speaker 3: we have to you know, keep them in line, and
Speaker 3: then we lose our humanness. And that's what our children
Speaker 3: are begging us for. They're like, where are you underneath
Speaker 3: the mom? Underneath the dad? Show me you.
Speaker 1: My daughters have pretty much said that to me recently.
Speaker 1: So yeah, I mean I need to take this all
Speaker 1: to heart.
Speaker 3: Yeah, sure, and so I'm me and my son are
Speaker 3: best friends, but I'm also his mother. I have to
Speaker 3: say no fifty times a day. I have to keep
Speaker 3: them in line. I have to take the you know,
Speaker 3: turn the TV off and say it's time to you know,
Speaker 3: and I guide him. But of course, because actually my
Speaker 3: whole thing, minute by minute, I'm always aware of our connection,
Speaker 3: of the relationship, if I'm straining it or if I'm
Speaker 3: keeping it tight where I want it. You know, that's
Speaker 3: the focus is on me and our bond. How I'm
Speaker 3: speaking to him, the look I make on my face,
Speaker 3: you know, the sigh that I keep inside, you know,
Speaker 3: because the that's what that's the missing piece. That's what
Speaker 3: I want.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 3: Parents to get from this conversation is the best thing
Speaker 3: they can do for their children is to start being
Speaker 3: hyper self aware.
Speaker 2: We well, we attach this to romantic relationships usually when
Speaker 2: we say hurt people, hurt people. But you kind of
Speaker 2: alluded to something earlier, how you were going through so
Speaker 2: much that it was causing you to be a bad parent.
Speaker 2: Can we take that as our broken people are broken parents?
Speaker 2: Is that always going to have an impact on your
Speaker 2: parenting or is it possible to try to compartmentalize and
Speaker 2: separate those things.
Speaker 3: I don't think unless you do the work, it's possible,
Speaker 3: because it just seeps. It's unconscious. You're either asleep or
Speaker 3: you're awake. I was asleep and now I'm awake, and
Speaker 3: it's a different world. It's a different world when you're
Speaker 3: awake and you're conscious, and you're aware of your energy,
Speaker 3: You're aware of what you are bringing to the table.
Speaker 3: You're aware that your child is only reacting to the
Speaker 3: environment you've created for them. They're not And when they
Speaker 3: are disrespectful or rude, or giving attitude or hitting even
Speaker 3: what does it say? What is? What did you have
Speaker 3: in that?
Speaker 1: You know?
Speaker 3: But I think we're all broken. We're all broken, and
Speaker 3: no one tells us that we have to heal.
Speaker 2: How would you recommend again? We are folks sitting in
Speaker 2: this studio and we are privileged to be here. We
Speaker 2: have some opportunity and resources that a lot of people don't.
Speaker 2: And I would say most people don't because some people
Speaker 2: are just trying to get food on the table tonight
Speaker 2: and they're not trying to listen to any of the
Speaker 2: three of us talk about how they need to go heal.
Speaker 2: How do you even help and guide parents? It's hard
Speaker 2: to heal when you're under constant assault of a bank
Speaker 2: account not having enough money in it, not enough food
Speaker 2: on the table. What could you possibly advise folks who
Speaker 2: are in that struggle but still trying to do the
Speaker 2: best they can as a parent.
Speaker 3: Yeah, Well, first I always say to just look back
Speaker 3: at your childhood and start reflecting, and the big memories
Speaker 3: always come up, you know, the ones because we remember
Speaker 3: how we were made to feel. And even the step
Speaker 3: before self awareness is self compassion, you know, so to say, wow,
Speaker 3: my parents were a little rough on me, or I
Speaker 3: didn't deserve that, or mom mom didn't play with me,
Speaker 3: or I felt neglected, I felt portrayed, I felt you know,
Speaker 3: they punished me a lot, or they made me feel
Speaker 3: worse about myself. Or I wasn't allowed to be loud,
Speaker 3: or I wasn't I wasn't allowed to be shy. And
Speaker 3: let you know, look back and say and not to
Speaker 3: feel sorry for yourself, but a little bit, you know,
Speaker 3: to have that wow, I went through that, that was
Speaker 3: hard on little me, and and have that compassion and
Speaker 3: then self awareness, be like you know, my son used
Speaker 3: to splash me my face with water and it used
Speaker 3: to turn like playfully, but I'd go into a rage
Speaker 3: and like rage, like I'd scream so loud that he
Speaker 3: would shake and I would shake like it was a mess.
Speaker 3: But but now he can do it, and I laugh
Speaker 3: because I've connected the dots to why that enraged me
Speaker 3: so much, why it provoked me so much, why it
Speaker 3: made me so you know, heated, and just to self awareness.
Speaker 3: Just connecting the dots magically changes you. Just it does silently,
Speaker 3: but it makes you more aware. It makes you have
Speaker 3: that choice in the heat of the moment that you're
Speaker 3: not just reacting. You you pause and you're like, Okay,
Speaker 3: what is this really about?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, because it is in those tough moments,
Speaker 1: especially when you are frazzled, coming off of you know,
Speaker 1: maybe two jobs and being worried about not paying the
Speaker 1: bill or getting a big or any of that stuff,
Speaker 1: you lose your temper, quicker, your your ability to handle
Speaker 1: any little thing splashing your water in your face, or
Speaker 1: a kid screaming or crying. It can send you into
Speaker 1: a rage. Yes, that's totally understandable. I thought something else
Speaker 1: that was interesting because and with that sometimes comes yelling. Yeah.
Speaker 1: But one of the things you wrote in your social
Speaker 1: media account, which is h I Love parenting, by the way,
Speaker 1: was that kids don't listen to the loudest voice, they
Speaker 1: listen to this safest voice. Yes. I thought that was
Speaker 1: so well put because if your the loudest voice, they're
Speaker 1: going to go find another one.
Speaker 3: Yes. Yes, And you know, I was the loudest voice,
Speaker 3: and my son answered me in his loudest voice like
Speaker 3: it was just you know what I mean? And then
Speaker 3: he was showing signs of anxiety and no, there's no
Speaker 3: tantrum without stress or anxiety in the child, right, and
Speaker 3: so he was I was just I was giving him
Speaker 3: mine on a silver platter. He was soaking it up
Speaker 3: like a sponge, all of my anxiety.
Speaker 1: So when your child has I just want to hear
Speaker 1: you because this is something to think about. If your
Speaker 1: child is having a temper tantrum, you actually should look
Speaker 1: at yourself absolutely, not at your child. No, that's hard.
Speaker 1: I know, it's very very you know, I would have
Speaker 1: gotten a spanking, or I would have put my kids
Speaker 1: in the corner or pulled them out for a very
Speaker 1: long time out. But I should have given myself a
Speaker 1: time out.
Speaker 3: Well, yes, and why look what you just said. You know,
Speaker 3: I put them in the corner or a very long
Speaker 3: time out. Why because they had big feelings that you
Speaker 3: can't handle. Wow, you know, and so you withdraw your
Speaker 3: love for five ten minutes or an hour?
Speaker 1: Yeah, because that's what I knew to do, or that's
Speaker 1: what I thought was the right thing to do.
Speaker 3: And what message did that give them? You're unlovable right now?
Speaker 3: I can't handle it right now. You're not invited in
Speaker 3: my presence right now to.
Speaker 1: Com make me cry.
Speaker 3: I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: No, but that's true. I hear you.
Speaker 2: Yeah, No, your daughter's had a legitimate rape. Hi.
Speaker 3: Uh.
Speaker 2: I had to think I dismissed them every time they
Speaker 2: pulled me aside to talk about you.
Speaker 1: But no, but that, but that is not something we're
Speaker 1: thinking about in the moment. We're needing to correct their behavior,
Speaker 1: but we need to ask ourselves why are they acting
Speaker 1: that way?
Speaker 3: And behavior the word it's, you know, it's it's we're
Speaker 3: so focused on their behavior, and but we we we
Speaker 3: don't even consider that we have anything to do with it.
Speaker 3: They're they're reacting more than behaving.
Speaker 2: I got a couple more big things. Want to hit
Speaker 2: it one. We'll get to social media in a second.
Speaker 2: That's its own thing, properly, right. Okay, but what would
Speaker 2: you say for parents out there the things you're hearing
Speaker 2: about most as the biggest challenges. I don't want to
Speaker 2: just say what's the number one? Maybe you do have
Speaker 2: a number one. But when folks do ask for advice,
Speaker 2: what what are some of those main challenges and some
Speaker 2: of the solutions you do give? So just curious what
Speaker 2: it is?
Speaker 3: Well, I get a lot of you know, just kids
Speaker 3: not listening and throwing tantrums and hitting their brothers and
Speaker 3: sisters and just being you know, strong willed quote.
Speaker 2: Unquote, and some of us called the misbehaving. That's not
Speaker 2: what we should call it. Strong willed and misbehaving?
Speaker 3: Is that the same thing?
Speaker 2: Okay?
Speaker 3: Do tell well, just because you know, a child that
Speaker 3: is constantly tantrums are normal, but not every day five
Speaker 3: times a day, you know that's a sign that something
Speaker 3: is a miss. You know, some thing's not you know,
Speaker 3: the child is resisting something. So this is what I
Speaker 3: tell parents. Our job is not to fix and modify
Speaker 3: the behavior, but to remove what the child is resisting.
Speaker 3: And when that's gone. There's nothing to resist. And usually
Speaker 3: it's the parents over control. They're misaligned expectations, check check,
Speaker 3: you know, their anxiety, their their you know, irritability and predictability.
Speaker 3: You know, we all you know, they're distractability. They're always
Speaker 3: in a rush, They're always rushing the child. So there's
Speaker 3: you know, they're so I I really make the parent
Speaker 3: look in the mirror, and they think I'm going to
Speaker 3: give them, you know, five tips or tricks, but it's like, no,
Speaker 3: I'm sorry, you have to just really start becoming a
Speaker 3: witness of yourself.
Speaker 2: Well, it sounds like for sure that's number one behavioral issues.
Speaker 2: People want to ask how do I do that? And
Speaker 2: the answer sounds like it's always check yourself, the parent
Speaker 2: first and foremost, you need to check out your behavior.
Speaker 1: Oh well, that's that's really remarkable. I'm amazed by that.
Speaker 1: All right. So the biggest I was going to ask
Speaker 1: you what the biggest mistake parents make, but it's at
Speaker 1: looking at the child's behavior instead of their own. Yes,
Speaker 1: I mean, oh, I was not expecting that be hindred.
Speaker 3: But because we all make mistakes because we are told
Speaker 3: just the wrong information and we're not educated on what
Speaker 3: really really matters. But yes, absolutely is focusing on the
Speaker 3: child's behavior. I think it's dangerous to parent without looking
Speaker 3: at yourself and looking at what you bring, and you're
Speaker 3: just burdening the child with your crap and the child
Speaker 3: is it's not theirs to carry, it's not their burden
Speaker 3: to carry. And you know, there's just a lot of
Speaker 3: mistakes about pushing a child to succeed, about being in control,
Speaker 3: being your power, you know, just that we need to
Speaker 3: mold our children into something that we need them to
Speaker 3: be instead of actually preserving and protecting who they already are.
Speaker 1: Wow. Is punishment ever? Okay?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 1: Wow?
Speaker 3: No, I add natural consequences are okay. You know, like
Speaker 3: there's a consequence to anything already. So when you have
Speaker 3: to impose one and think of one and think of
Speaker 3: what am I going to take? What am I going
Speaker 3: to do to him? How am I going to make
Speaker 3: my child suffer for this? Then it's not Wow.
Speaker 2: But there's no consequence to not cleaning your room, no
Speaker 2: consequence to not doing what you're told, no consequence for
Speaker 2: bad grades, Like is there No, we're not just talking
Speaker 2: about corporate right, That's not what we're talking about. But
Speaker 2: is there never a room where that any kind of
Speaker 2: consequence that I impose as a parent on the child's.
Speaker 3: Okay, Well, do you mean punishment or consequence?
Speaker 2: Well, the consequence of you not cleaning your room is
Speaker 2: that I am going to take that phone away from
Speaker 2: you or I'm going that's well, so with just semantics here,
Speaker 2: I was.
Speaker 1: Grounded for most of my high school years for doing
Speaker 1: things that my parents deemed.
Speaker 2: That's punishment, right, consequences.
Speaker 3: Anything from being grounded.
Speaker 1: No, she didn't, I just steaked out when they went
Speaker 1: to I did.
Speaker 3: So, I just I I I've been in your shoes,
Speaker 3: trust me when I'm like And a lot of parents say, well,
Speaker 3: I can't just let them get away with that. They
Speaker 3: can't just get away with that. I can't reward them
Speaker 3: and let them eat after that or get a cookie
Speaker 3: after that. But it's it's really, it's really first understanding.
Speaker 3: Punishment is withdrawing your love. It's say you're unacceptable right now.
Speaker 3: It's saying you need to suffer because you made a
Speaker 3: mistake or this didn't happen. Like, let the room get messy,
Speaker 3: you know, let them sit in a messy room and
Speaker 3: see how it feels. Let them fail and explain to
Speaker 3: the teacher why they messed up. Let them, you know,
Speaker 3: let them. Let life be the teacher.
Speaker 1: So don't go back and clean up their room. Don't
Speaker 1: go back to the teacher and say, hey, can they
Speaker 1: get extra credit, which is what a lot of us do.
Speaker 1: You know, you complain, you might punish, but then you'll
Speaker 1: fix it for them. Yes, So it's one of those
Speaker 1: things I do like to say this, Let life be
Speaker 1: let the reality be the consequence. So let them fail,
Speaker 1: let them miss class, if they don't wake them up,
Speaker 1: if they didn't set their alarm. If you have certain
Speaker 1: rules and they break them, then you can't fix.
Speaker 3: Yes, and we don't want to just you know, put
Speaker 3: out the fire. We want to prevent the fires from happening.
Speaker 3: And that comes back to the relationship. If you're showing
Speaker 3: your child respect, you're showing your child respect because we
Speaker 3: just demand it from our children. They need it too.
Speaker 3: If you listen to your child, listen to them the
Speaker 3: way you expect to be listened to, they will listen back.
Speaker 3: If you have a positive, healthy, nurturing fun like we
Speaker 3: forget to be playful and fun with our kids because
Speaker 3: we're so serious. And you know, in the role. Then
Speaker 3: that's their motivation to cooperate, that's their motivation to stay
Speaker 3: in line, that's their motivation to kind of please you,
Speaker 3: you know what I mean, because you guys are on
Speaker 3: good terms. If you're on good terms with someone, you
Speaker 3: don't want to mess it up. They don't want to
Speaker 3: mess it up.
Speaker 1: That's wild, Like just to think about it from that perspective,
Speaker 1: And I'm in my mind, like I get it when
Speaker 1: they're older, but I'm trying to think about a one
Speaker 1: year old a two year old, like how do you
Speaker 1: how do you even prevent them? A lot of times
Speaker 1: like I think, you know, I know I was. I
Speaker 1: think most of us at a certain age were spanked.
Speaker 1: But like if you are about to run across the road,
Speaker 1: or I got lost in a store because I wasn't
Speaker 1: staying with my parents. If you get spanked, she ran away,
Speaker 1: my parents would say, hey, I have to do something
Speaker 1: to to make my child understand if they do this,
Speaker 1: it's dangerous. So that's perhaps why a lot of parents
Speaker 1: justify punishment, like for a safety.
Speaker 2: Let it get hit by the car.
Speaker 1: That's obvious.
Speaker 2: It's clearly what m just said. Let the kid get hit.
Speaker 3: No, you know, but but do you do they need
Speaker 3: to be hit for doing that?
Speaker 1: No?
Speaker 3: Right, I got lost in an amusement park when I
Speaker 3: was small, and I got, you know, beaten up for
Speaker 3: it from my parents. But did you know that just
Speaker 3: didn't like especially in the heat of the moment. Their
Speaker 3: brains are not working like properly, They're not taking in
Speaker 3: a lesson. So you're just you're just creating fear. Yes,
Speaker 3: And when we create fear, we are creating disconnection. We
Speaker 3: are straining the relationship, and the relationship is our power.
Speaker 3: If you want them to listen, then pay attention to
Speaker 3: the relationship, pay attention to who you are to the child.
Speaker 3: Can they come to you with their issues? Can they
Speaker 3: come to you with their fears? Can they come to
Speaker 3: you with their problems? You know? Or do they fear criticism, judgment,
Speaker 3: getting in trouble, getting a consequence, getting grounded? You know
Speaker 3: what I mean?
Speaker 1: I do? You know?
Speaker 3: Yeah? And that we need to protect this relationship at
Speaker 3: all costs because it just matters so much more than
Speaker 3: we realize.
Speaker 1: Wow. Yeah, how like I'm curious because I mentioned it earlier,
Speaker 1: how much of our current mental health as an adult?
Speaker 1: You mee TJ sitting in this room has to do
Speaker 1: with childhood trauma and what can we as adults do
Speaker 1: to acknowledge it because everybody has it. It's not like
Speaker 1: you have good parents and I have bad parents. Everybody
Speaker 1: had parents mostly who were trying to do the right
Speaker 1: thing with the tools they had. But how do you
Speaker 1: address where you are in your life and your mental
Speaker 1: health and how do you kind of come to peace
Speaker 1: with it? And like you had to do that, you
Speaker 1: said before you were able to become the parent you
Speaker 1: are now, how did you address it?
Speaker 3: It's almost like a journey, but and it's a little
Speaker 3: treacherous and difficult to actually face the truth. Like this
Speaker 3: is what we have to do. We have to face
Speaker 3: the truth of what really happened to us. And because
Speaker 3: we pedestalize our parents, we kind of put it aside
Speaker 3: and think everything was fine. I'm good, I turned out fine.
Speaker 3: Even though there's this I'm good they were good, they
Speaker 3: tried their best. And this is not to blame parents
Speaker 3: because they had their own story. Yes, you know, this
Speaker 3: is a cycle we're trying to break, but it's again
Speaker 3: just you know, putting the focus on you. Stop stop
Speaker 3: you know, dissecting your child and start dissecting yourself and
Speaker 3: really just go deep and have that compassion and begin
Speaker 3: to be so self aware that all you do is
Speaker 3: focus on you, and then your child will just transform
Speaker 3: and get come closer to you and feel because you
Speaker 3: are changing, and the climate in your home will change
Speaker 3: because you are. You are now seeing your truth, but
Speaker 3: then seeing your child's truth as well.
Speaker 1: And I have to say, TJ, are you. We've been
Speaker 1: smiling back and forth because I have had the and
Speaker 1: I will say the privilege of watching TJ parent, and
Speaker 1: I have been in awe of his like I feel
Speaker 1: like everything you just said is exactly what he did
Speaker 1: I And I am curious how you came to know
Speaker 1: how to do it because you have lovely parents. But
Speaker 1: your childhood was very similar to a lot of bars
Speaker 1: of a certain age where that our parents were strict
Speaker 1: and punishment based and consequence based. And how did you
Speaker 1: become the parent you are?
Speaker 2: No, That's why I think we asked Only before we
Speaker 2: even started, I was asking people just natural born parents.
Speaker 2: I mean I didn't take any courses or study or
Speaker 2: anything else or even ask my own parents for help. Again,
Speaker 2: you have pointed a lot of things out in watching
Speaker 2: me and Sabine with my daughter's twelve year old Sabine.
Speaker 2: She was describing about punishment. I have never once in
Speaker 2: her twelve years, had to punish this job. And that's that.
Speaker 1: She never once had a temper tantrum, not once.
Speaker 2: Once in life have I seen this child have Now,
Speaker 2: how did that happen? Did I get a lucky child
Speaker 2: with her temperament? Did she just watched? I'm kind of
Speaker 2: chill myself. I don't know how that happened, That's what
Speaker 2: I was asking our Some people just natural born parents necessarily.
Speaker 2: I guess what contributes to me maybe being lucky or
Speaker 2: I would never say good. I don't know how it happened.
Speaker 2: And you mentioned relationship. This is my best friend, and
Speaker 2: you talk about fun. We just came from the Kendrick
Speaker 2: Lamar concert this week. She was up all night. We
Speaker 2: partied and did our thing, and right, that's the kind
Speaker 2: of stuff we always do together, so we do all
Speaker 2: those things.
Speaker 1: Fun is a big part of your real and.
Speaker 2: Respect is a big part. And this is a twelve
Speaker 2: year old girl. Thank god her friends don't listen to
Speaker 2: this podcast, because if they knew the stuff. She comes
Speaker 2: back and tells me about her friends and.
Speaker 1: Even when she's involved and it might not look good
Speaker 1: that she was there, she'll still tell you she was,
Speaker 1: which I've said to you because obviously I'm past that
Speaker 1: age now, Like my girls are older and they tell
Speaker 1: me too much. I loved about it, but they do.
Speaker 1: I do appreciate the fact that they do tell me,
Speaker 1: I think almost everything, to the point where I'm like,
Speaker 1: you don't have to tell me everything. I don't need
Speaker 1: to know everything. But at twelve, I'm amazed at what
Speaker 1: she admits to and tells you and is honest about
Speaker 1: and it's just it's remarkable.
Speaker 2: So yeah, Ray, do you sometimes just get lucky? So
Speaker 2: some people just naturally have an instinct for it? Or
Speaker 2: how do you explain?
Speaker 3: Well, I think we all have the instinct deep down,
Speaker 3: and then the more traumatized ones of us are limited
Speaker 3: because of our trauma. I don't know how your childhood was,
Speaker 3: you know.
Speaker 2: What, this is interesting as well? I didn't all I've
Speaker 2: gone through the past couple of years and what's happened,
Speaker 2: and I couldn't imagine that I would be a better
Speaker 2: parent and be better for my child once I was
Speaker 2: no longer married to her mother. That sounds counterintuitive, like,
Speaker 2: I'm supposed to be nurturing that home, and that's where
Speaker 2: the child is going to be best. And it's our
Speaker 2: relationship now is exponentially better. Not that it was bad,
Speaker 2: but it's just I never imagined that something like that
Speaker 2: was possible.
Speaker 1: That's amazing because when you're I think to your like
Speaker 1: kind of to what Reem is saying, if you are
Speaker 1: whole and you've worked on you, if you find yourself
Speaker 1: to personally be happier, you're just gonna be a better
Speaker 1: absolutely case some point.
Speaker 3: Absolutely.
Speaker 1: And so in that sense, I think sometimes parents, I
Speaker 1: would imagine, feel selfish taking care of themselves and working
Speaker 1: on their own because they think they have to give everything.
Speaker 1: Maybe even moms might be more guilty of this. I
Speaker 1: hate to stereotype, but give give, give, give, and then
Speaker 1: you almost feel like you're owed, and then you're angry
Speaker 1: when they talk back to you, will roll their eyes
Speaker 1: at you, and I think I have said that, and
Speaker 1: you almost feel like you're owed something because you've given
Speaker 1: so much. But actually the best gift you could give
Speaker 1: your kids would be to work on yourself first. Yes, yeah,
Speaker 1: but we don't think about it like that.
Speaker 3: And if no guilt in all this is what your
Speaker 3: your child. If they could tell you, they would say,
Speaker 3: grow up and fix your self and stop burdening me
Speaker 3: with what's burdening you, and let me be free and
Speaker 3: liberate me from your will. Wow.
Speaker 1: Wow, that's crazy going.
Speaker 2: On social media. Where do you want to go with
Speaker 2: social media?
Speaker 1: Oh gosh, there's you know, and as a parent in
Speaker 1: terms of guiding and being there, there are so many
Speaker 1: outside distractions now, more than ever before. And I know
Speaker 1: people will say, oh, it's so much harder now, but
Speaker 1: it actually is so much harder now with social media
Speaker 1: and these phones and the electronics, and they have access
Speaker 1: to everything and influenced by everyone. How do you handle
Speaker 1: What do you tell parents, especially someone like TJ who's
Speaker 1: got a twelve year old who's about to be able
Speaker 1: to be on all of these accounts and have her
Speaker 1: kind of free reign of exploring. Where do you draw
Speaker 1: the line? Where are the boundaries?
Speaker 3: Yeah, well, I believe it's so hard. This is actually
Speaker 3: the second numbers to a parents complaint is, you know,
Speaker 3: screens and social media and phones and TikTok and all
Speaker 3: that stuff. So I'm very strict with a couple of things,
Speaker 3: with health and toxic things like screens and social media.
Speaker 3: So I believe this is a place to have strong boundaries,
Speaker 3: and this is a place to have non negotiable and
Speaker 3: a strong no and to set limits. Don't give your
Speaker 3: child anything near it as long as you can go,
Speaker 3: because it's a drug and it's addictive and it's lethal
Speaker 3: and they shouldn't have it. So I don't agree with
Speaker 3: giving a young child a phone or even an iPad.
Speaker 3: They don't need it. Let a child go to a
Speaker 3: restaurant and look around and talk and live. You know,
Speaker 3: we're just slap them with a screen and because we
Speaker 3: can't handle their behavior in a restaurant, and it's like,
Speaker 3: can you let your child live?
Speaker 2: To your point, that's the parent, that's not the kid.
Speaker 3: The parent, Yes, don't give it to them, you know.
Speaker 1: And then be upset when you take it away and
Speaker 1: they grow a temper tantrum, which we've seen plenty of
Speaker 1: times in restaurants.
Speaker 3: Yes, they're so addictive, they're made to be addictive. And
Speaker 3: the video games is a whole nother ballgame, and it's
Speaker 3: causing so much, you know, damage to children. But so
Speaker 3: the parent needs to have strong boundaries when it comes
Speaker 3: to that and rules. But if the child is already exposed,
Speaker 3: you don't want to be you and this screen. You
Speaker 3: become an enemy of the screen because then it becomes
Speaker 3: the forbidden fruits and all this, you know. So it's
Speaker 3: very touchy. And plus we're on our phones, right, we're
Speaker 3: doing the same thing. So finding a balance like okay,
Speaker 3: you know what, at seven o'clock all of us put
Speaker 3: our phones away, or you know, have something that's not
Speaker 3: a rule, but you know, are a lifestyle of your home,
Speaker 3: like the conditions of our home. This is how we
Speaker 3: do things. We don't watch TV until midnight, we don't
Speaker 3: turn it on in the morning. We eat breakfast together instead,
Speaker 3: you know. But also the people kids are addicted because
Speaker 3: they're getting soothed by social media. They feel important on
Speaker 3: social media, they feel.
Speaker 1: See see.
Speaker 3: Yes, that's the word I was looking for. So we
Speaker 3: as parents have to give our children that dopamine hit right,
Speaker 3: stronger than the screens and social media. We have to
Speaker 3: give them what they are seeking, so that so.
Speaker 1: That everyone just wants to belong.
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, you know, when my son watches you know,
Speaker 3: soccer on TV, but if I say do you want
Speaker 3: to play? He'll drop the TV. And want to be
Speaker 3: with me. They want to be with us more. They
Speaker 3: want to connect more. Maybe not the teenagers, but you
Speaker 3: know what I mean. But if they had the choice,
Speaker 3: they always want to connect. And it's and they're so
Speaker 3: addicted because they are so disconnected.
Speaker 1: Wow, that's crazy.
Speaker 2: No, just thinking about sabine in the bedroom by yourself
Speaker 2: on the phone until midnight on weekends, just doing nothing
Speaker 2: on the phone. That's let's talk to police.
Speaker 1: And that's brand new.
Speaker 2: That is new in the past year. That is new.
Speaker 2: That is new. So we're going to struggle with that.
Speaker 1: But I think this has all been to me. The
Speaker 1: reason why I think I felt so impacted by your
Speaker 1: social media account and what you're saying is because it's
Speaker 1: true and you know it. When you when you hear
Speaker 1: something and you know it's true, it resonates. It doesn't
Speaker 1: even need an explanation. It's like, of course that's true.
Speaker 1: Of course that makes sense, of course, But it's funny
Speaker 1: that all this time you just go by what you learn,
Speaker 1: what you know, and it's not necessarily what's right. So
Speaker 1: I love your message. I love what you're saying. It
Speaker 1: is kind of the opposite of the way I started
Speaker 1: out parenting, but it's hope, hopefully, how I can at
Speaker 1: least start implementing and ending.
Speaker 2: You did a good job, like your kids turn out.
Speaker 1: Okay, which one who knows, we'll see, but I appreciate it.
Speaker 1: So So if you could give parents one starting point,
Speaker 1: if they're listening to this and they're thinking, oh my god,
Speaker 1: I've been doing it all wrong, what's the first thing
Speaker 1: you can do right now, as soon as you stop
Speaker 1: listening to this podcast, what can you do to start
Speaker 1: going down a different path?
Speaker 3: I would bring it to the child and just be
Speaker 3: Just look at your child in a different light, see
Speaker 3: them as they really are. They are maybe struggling, just
Speaker 3: trying to survive our environment, and they're desperate for connection.
Speaker 3: They are desperate for us to be in their time
Speaker 3: zone of the present moment, to put our phones down,
Speaker 3: to stop being distracted, to see them as they are,
Speaker 3: to accept them radically, to listen to them, to respect them,
Speaker 3: to be with them raw, no agenda, just be with them.
Speaker 1: How soon will you see a change if you do.
Speaker 3: That, honestly, now, right away? Because so many children are
Speaker 3: just desperate and so disconnected and not feeling seen at all.
Speaker 3: And just if you one night, do something different. Don't
Speaker 3: rush your child, sit with them on the floor, do nothing,
Speaker 3: hold them, be with them and let them feel feel you.
Speaker 1: And let me ask you this, No matter how old
Speaker 1: your children are, even if they're forty and you're seventy,
Speaker 1: is it ever too late? No.
Speaker 3: I worked with a couple that had her thirty seven
Speaker 3: year old son and we work together and they reconnected,
Speaker 3: and you know, it helped a lot. And he was
Speaker 3: clearly just so needy of their their attention that he
Speaker 3: wasn't getting.
Speaker 1: At thirty seven. At thirty seven, Well, I just want
Speaker 1: to say thank you and let everybody know. Tell everybody
Speaker 1: where they can find you, where they can read about
Speaker 1: I know you've got you're an author, and you've got workshops,
Speaker 1: and you've got your social media. So let everyone is like,
Speaker 1: I need to know more about this. Where can they
Speaker 1: find you?
Speaker 3: Sure? So? I I love parenting on Instagram and I
Speaker 3: just came out with the Healing Journal for Parents. It's
Speaker 3: an eight week process to you know, reconnect with your
Speaker 3: younger self, figure out what your wounds are, your triggers,
Speaker 3: your patterns, heal you so that you can show up
Speaker 3: as the parent your children needs you to be. It's
Speaker 3: very you know. As much as this is to protect
Speaker 3: children's mental health, which is in a crisis right now,
Speaker 3: this is to liberate the parent, to liberate you from yourself,
Speaker 3: from your ego that is hijacking you and running the show.
Speaker 3: You know, your wounds are in the driver's seat and
Speaker 3: we're just in the passenger seat, like for the ride.
Speaker 3: It's time to get that person out, let the real
Speaker 3: you underneath all of those wounds emerge, and then you
Speaker 3: can show up for your child.
Speaker 2: The first question you suppose to answer as a parent,
Speaker 2: what moments from childhood still make your body tense up
Speaker 2: or feel small. It's gonna be a tough journey for me.
Speaker 1: Reed, thank you so much for being with us. We
Speaker 1: appreciate it. What a pleasure. We hope has helped so
Speaker 1: many people who are listening it. Certainly I can definitely
Speaker 1: attest personally this is going to help you and hopefully
Speaker 1: than my two daughters. Thank you, Thank you for