WEBVTT - The Parenting Shift 0:00:02.600 --> 0:00:05.760 Welcome everyone to this edition of Amy and DJ. In 0:00:05.800 --> 0:00:10.000 this episode, have you ever just been scrolling through Instagram 0:00:10.160 --> 0:00:12.800 and you see a quote and it catches your eye? 0:00:13.039 --> 0:00:14.080 J you do this all the time. 0:00:14.200 --> 0:00:15.880 I have never done it. Tell me about it, please, 0:00:16.400 --> 0:00:17.480 But I know you like scrolling. 0:00:17.560 --> 0:00:20.079 Yes, you know I do it. And so just the 0:00:20.160 --> 0:00:24.400 other day, actually something caught my eye, and I actually 0:00:24.440 --> 0:00:27.080 think I was struggling with a little mom guilt, and 0:00:27.120 --> 0:00:28.639 so I think this one popped out on me. And 0:00:28.680 --> 0:00:30.520 I also believe that my phone hears me. 0:00:31.280 --> 0:00:33.400 Oh yeah, you think apples your. 0:00:33.120 --> 0:00:37.479 Rates certain sites so that I see them just when 0:00:37.520 --> 0:00:38.880 I'm thinking about the most she. 0:00:38.760 --> 0:00:41.879 Thinks if we're discussing chicken wing, chicken wings, they're going 0:00:41.960 --> 0:00:44.000 to put up chicken wing ads on her Instagram? 0:00:44.120 --> 0:00:47.440 Is just show up what she thinks on my advertisement. 0:00:47.560 --> 0:00:49.199 I have shown you. I feel like I've proven it 0:00:49.600 --> 0:00:50.440 time and time again. 0:00:50.840 --> 0:00:52.880 But the other day, you have some parenting guilt. 0:00:52.920 --> 0:00:55.480 Back to the story, I think about some parenting guilt 0:00:55.760 --> 0:00:58.200 and this I'm going to just kind of read what 0:00:58.400 --> 0:01:02.639 was on my screen on this Instagram site. The quality 0:01:02.680 --> 0:01:06.800 of your parent child relationship outranks every other factor in 0:01:06.880 --> 0:01:12.280 predicting your child's lifelong mental health. Now my attention is 0:01:12.360 --> 0:01:16.600 completely there, not your rules, not your discipline style, not 0:01:16.640 --> 0:01:20.600 your parenting techniques. It's the connection itself. Your child isn't 0:01:20.640 --> 0:01:25.039 rebelling against your rules, They're rebelling against disconnection. It was 0:01:25.120 --> 0:01:32.920 never about behavior, It was always about belonging. Yeah, because 0:01:33.640 --> 0:01:37.160 it's really really cool. The quality of your relationship is 0:01:37.200 --> 0:01:40.520 the biggest determining factor in your child's mental health or 0:01:40.560 --> 0:01:42.360 mental well being. So then you know how you just 0:01:42.440 --> 0:01:45.880 you scroll through. There's different screens. There's a bunch of 0:01:45.920 --> 0:01:49.040 other powerful quotes in this one Instagram post, but it 0:01:49.160 --> 0:01:53.240 ends with this. You think they're testing boundaries, they're testing 0:01:53.320 --> 0:01:57.240 something deeper. Does your love remain when they're at their worst? 0:01:57.640 --> 0:02:01.600 Your answer becomes the their blue print for self worth. 0:02:02.400 --> 0:02:05.520 Holy moly, Like I had chills from head to toe. 0:02:05.560 --> 0:02:07.760 And I have not stopped hearing about this woman ever. 0:02:09.000 --> 0:02:11.680 Look, I said, TJ, I often annoy you by showing 0:02:11.720 --> 0:02:14.799 you things that moved me online. I immediately told you 0:02:14.880 --> 0:02:16.440 I know about this post. 0:02:16.520 --> 0:02:17.959 I know which ones to dismiss. 0:02:18.440 --> 0:02:23.359 This wasn't one, so I saw it, and look, I 0:02:23.919 --> 0:02:26.359 am most of us are probably discerning in terms of 0:02:26.360 --> 0:02:28.239 who we follow because you don't want to be inundated. 0:02:28.560 --> 0:02:32.200 But I just immediately started following this Instagram site, and 0:02:32.760 --> 0:02:34.880 I think within a day I got a d M 0:02:35.080 --> 0:02:39.960 back and thanking me for following her, and it was 0:02:40.000 --> 0:02:42.960 really sweet and it was just really I just moved me. 0:02:43.000 --> 0:02:45.919 And then I thought, wait, this woman seems awesome, her 0:02:45.960 --> 0:02:48.680 site is incredible. Why wouldn't we have her on the podcast? 0:02:48.760 --> 0:02:54.760 And so guess what only Yeah, she's actually sitting right 0:02:54.800 --> 0:02:58.880 across from us right now. Reamrouta joins us at Parenting 0:02:58.919 --> 0:03:03.520 Expert author Mom, and just thank you for being here. 0:03:03.960 --> 0:03:06.959 And you really really grabbed my attention. The deeper dive 0:03:07.000 --> 0:03:09.480 I did on your Instagram account, the more I fell 0:03:09.480 --> 0:03:11.880 in love with what you're telling parents. 0:03:12.520 --> 0:03:14.840 Thank you, so thank you. I'm thrilled to be here 0:03:14.880 --> 0:03:15.760 with you. Thank you all. 0:03:16.000 --> 0:03:20.040 So how does one become a parenting expert? How did 0:03:20.040 --> 0:03:21.880 you get started in all of this? When did you 0:03:21.919 --> 0:03:23.000 have your aha moment? 0:03:23.400 --> 0:03:27.639 Well, I started my parenting journey on the wrong foot. 0:03:28.120 --> 0:03:32.120 I was very anxious and nervous and panicked and full 0:03:32.160 --> 0:03:36.640 of unprocessed anger that was coming up with my son, 0:03:36.840 --> 0:03:40.600 with my baby son when he was so young, and 0:03:41.000 --> 0:03:45.920 then COVID hit right around when he was about turning two, 0:03:46.240 --> 0:03:53.040 and I broke. I had my breakdown, my rock bottom. 0:03:53.240 --> 0:03:58.320 I was just in debilitating fear. There was also a 0:03:58.360 --> 0:04:02.040 tragedy in my family that also hit me, and I 0:04:02.240 --> 0:04:05.720 just broke and things were not going well between me 0:04:05.760 --> 0:04:09.920 and my son. He wasn't sleeping, I was yelling. It 0:04:09.960 --> 0:04:13.280 was a mess. But when I broke, it hit me 0:04:13.400 --> 0:04:17.280 like a ton of bricks. What was the problem, And 0:04:17.320 --> 0:04:21.200 the problem was me. It was what I was bringing 0:04:21.200 --> 0:04:24.920 to the table. It was my energy that my son 0:04:25.080 --> 0:04:29.200 was reacting to. His behavior was you know, just a 0:04:29.240 --> 0:04:34.640 reflection of my inner landscape. And the breakdown led me 0:04:34.920 --> 0:04:40.640 to just this self awareness, this transformation, reading, meditating, learning, 0:04:40.960 --> 0:04:44.600 and then I found doctor Shefali, who is a you know, 0:04:44.760 --> 0:04:50.440 the conscious parenting god, and I started learning from her 0:04:50.480 --> 0:04:53.440 and then I became trained through her to become a 0:04:53.480 --> 0:04:59.000 conscious parenting coach. Because of the transformation I had, I 0:04:59.080 --> 0:05:04.440 went from one end to the extreme other, and I 0:05:04.520 --> 0:05:10.040 wanted all parents to feel the liberation and the change 0:05:10.240 --> 0:05:14.080 and the amazingness that I now feel. 0:05:15.000 --> 0:05:18.520 I don't even know where to start, so I'm going 0:05:18.600 --> 0:05:21.839 to go back to where you said, the initial anxiety 0:05:22.240 --> 0:05:26.720 when your son was a baby. Was what you were 0:05:26.760 --> 0:05:30.359 going through them then something that a lot of parents 0:05:30.440 --> 0:05:32.560 go through. Is it typical or do you think you 0:05:32.600 --> 0:05:35.000 were doing or what you were was happening to you? 0:05:35.760 --> 0:05:37.839 Was more on an extreme end. 0:05:38.360 --> 0:05:43.440 I think it was typical, A little extra because of 0:05:43.480 --> 0:05:47.839 my childhood that I never dealt with. I actually, until 0:05:47.839 --> 0:05:50.560 I was forty one, I said I had the best childhood. 0:05:50.600 --> 0:05:55.160 It was great. And then when I started really looking 0:05:55.240 --> 0:06:00.960 at it, I didn't at all. I told myself I 0:06:01.000 --> 0:06:03.880 had a great childhood. I was living in a state 0:06:03.920 --> 0:06:09.400 of fear constantly. I was physically abused by my father. Sorry, 0:06:09.520 --> 0:06:12.000 I you know, I don't remember my mother playing with me. 0:06:12.360 --> 0:06:18.720 Sorry mom, I don't you know. And our children are 0:06:18.880 --> 0:06:23.279 gurus and the fact that they show us where we 0:06:23.360 --> 0:06:27.720 need to heal. So my son's inability to sleep just 0:06:27.800 --> 0:06:30.719 had me on a tailspin, and I was literally yelling 0:06:30.760 --> 0:06:35.839 at him to fall asleep. And I think, yes, so, 0:06:35.960 --> 0:06:38.279 I think every parent comes with their own story, with 0:06:38.360 --> 0:06:43.599 their own unresolved issues. But mine was just a lot 0:06:43.640 --> 0:06:46.719 of anxiety and rage inside. 0:06:47.320 --> 0:06:49.520 Were you parenting the way you were parented? 0:06:50.320 --> 0:06:54.240 Yes too, Yes, I was actually neurotically repeating things my 0:06:54.320 --> 0:06:56.520 dad used to say to me to my son for 0:06:56.560 --> 0:06:58.640 no reason, you know, I just it just came out 0:06:58.680 --> 0:07:03.440 like a robot. And yeah, I was hot tempered like 0:07:03.480 --> 0:07:09.880 my father. And now I'm you know, I really don't 0:07:10.000 --> 0:07:10.800 yell anymore. 0:07:11.280 --> 0:07:13.440 Your story, when I was reading the background of it, 0:07:13.480 --> 0:07:15.800 spoke to me because I look back. I also had 0:07:15.800 --> 0:07:18.640 a child, my first baby, who didn't sleep for a year, 0:07:19.160 --> 0:07:21.400 and I actually thought I was going to lose my 0:07:21.600 --> 0:07:24.760 mind because you have these certain expectations about how a 0:07:24.840 --> 0:07:27.680 child is supposed to act. Because that's what I was, 0:07:28.320 --> 0:07:30.320 that was what was expected of me. So you then 0:07:30.360 --> 0:07:33.080 immediately expect that of your children, and then you think 0:07:33.120 --> 0:07:36.280 you can control them, and it turns out you can't 0:07:36.280 --> 0:07:39.840 actually control anyone else but yourself. But yes, that's when 0:07:39.880 --> 0:07:42.320 you start yelling, you start getting aggravated. And look, I've 0:07:42.360 --> 0:07:46.840 struggled with those defaults in my parenting, and I've looked 0:07:46.840 --> 0:07:48.880 back and thought, if I could do it again, I 0:07:48.880 --> 0:07:51.280 would have done it so differently. So hearing what you 0:07:51.320 --> 0:07:53.360 have to say to parents to me is such a 0:07:53.480 --> 0:07:57.200 game changer because we were trying, We're all trying to 0:07:57.200 --> 0:07:58.960 do the right thing. We're all trying to get our 0:07:59.040 --> 0:08:02.880 children to be good people to behave to be respectful. 0:08:03.440 --> 0:08:06.360 But how do you do that without being controlling and 0:08:06.400 --> 0:08:09.360 being a disciplinarian. You say, there's another way. 0:08:09.600 --> 0:08:15.600 Yes, And that's the magic place that I think we 0:08:15.720 --> 0:08:20.360 all as parents need to try to get to. It's between. Yes, 0:08:20.480 --> 0:08:23.760 our children need boundaries, they actually crave boundaries or else 0:08:23.920 --> 0:08:26.840 that causes anxiety too. We need to hold them and 0:08:26.880 --> 0:08:34.040 guide them. But without that control, without fear, without shame, 0:08:34.840 --> 0:08:39.520 and keeping. You know, we think that our power as 0:08:39.600 --> 0:08:43.240 parents comes in how much we have, how much control 0:08:43.280 --> 0:08:46.600 we have over our children. But that's so wrong. Our 0:08:46.720 --> 0:08:50.440 power and our influence is in our strength of our 0:08:50.480 --> 0:08:54.200 relationship with our children. That is what we have to 0:08:54.400 --> 0:08:57.079 focus on. That is what we have to hold on to. 0:08:57.400 --> 0:09:00.680 That is what we have to put Number one not 0:09:01.320 --> 0:09:04.160 quote unquote discipline, because when we say discipline, it usually 0:09:04.160 --> 0:09:08.720 means punishment. Discipline means to teach, to guide. So yes, 0:09:09.000 --> 0:09:11.880 we are supposed to discipline our children. We're not supposed 0:09:11.920 --> 0:09:16.439 to punish them. Punishment doesn't even work, it's it's counterproductive. 0:09:16.640 --> 0:09:18.360 That's another podcast episode. 0:09:18.679 --> 0:09:21.120 But you know, I made a whole bunch of mistakes 0:09:21.280 --> 0:09:23.440 because I'm telling you, punishment was a huge part of 0:09:23.480 --> 0:09:24.079 my parenting. 0:09:24.240 --> 0:09:27.640 But what do you mean by you keep saying relationship 0:09:27.679 --> 0:09:30.640 is important? What does that look like aside from discipline? 0:09:30.760 --> 0:09:32.960 What does it look like for parent? Who's listening right now? 0:09:33.000 --> 0:09:35.520 And how am I supposed to improve relationship? 0:09:35.640 --> 0:09:39.560 Okay? Well, relationship is everything and it sounds simple, but 0:09:39.640 --> 0:09:42.240 it's the hardest thing to do because it takes the 0:09:42.360 --> 0:09:47.480 parent being present and none of us are. You know, 0:09:47.600 --> 0:09:50.200 it's especially in this day and age. We are busy, 0:09:50.240 --> 0:09:52.480 we are distracted, we are always in a rush, we 0:09:52.559 --> 0:09:56.599 are stressed, we are frazzled, and we're not even connecting 0:09:56.600 --> 0:10:00.199 with our children. We're not sitting with them and doing nothing. 0:10:00.320 --> 0:10:03.400 We're giving them iPads and iPhones or we're on ours. 0:10:03.240 --> 0:10:09.280 Yes exactly, and there's just it's all disconnection. Really, what's 0:10:09.320 --> 0:10:13.720 going on. We're not having deep conversations, we're not you know, 0:10:14.040 --> 0:10:19.280 open emotionally with them, vice versa. It's just like getting 0:10:19.320 --> 0:10:24.920 through the day overscheduled and we're not there. It's not 0:10:25.640 --> 0:10:28.360 another myth is what we do for our children? Do 0:10:28.360 --> 0:10:30.880 do do? We're so consumed with what we do for 0:10:31.000 --> 0:10:35.079 them that we forget who we are to them, and 0:10:35.120 --> 0:10:38.679 that's what matters. We need to be We are their 0:10:38.720 --> 0:10:43.720 safety net. We are their you know, their world. They 0:10:43.760 --> 0:10:55.760 are so needy for us emotionally, and no one tells 0:10:55.840 --> 0:10:57.920 us that. No one teaches us that. They just tell 0:10:58.000 --> 0:11:00.800 us the types of diapers to get and wet wipes, 0:11:00.800 --> 0:11:03.800 and they don't say the first three years are the 0:11:03.840 --> 0:11:06.600 most important. They don't tell us that. They tell us 0:11:06.600 --> 0:11:08.200 to ignore them when they're crying at night. 0:11:08.880 --> 0:11:11.440 You know, I did that. I have chills because I 0:11:11.480 --> 0:11:13.400 did that, and I felt guilty when I was doing it, 0:11:13.440 --> 0:11:15.400 but I did it because I thought I was supposed to. 0:11:15.640 --> 0:11:18.960 I know, I know, you say, pick that baby up. Yes, 0:11:19.280 --> 0:11:21.480 I did it too. I was you know, my doctor, 0:11:21.679 --> 0:11:24.920 even against of course, it's against all of our motherly 0:11:25.000 --> 0:11:28.120 instincts to do that. And that was before I had 0:11:28.200 --> 0:11:31.720 my AHA. And it's my biggest regret of my life 0:11:32.120 --> 0:11:34.840 and it haunts me a lot and I fight not 0:11:35.040 --> 0:11:37.520 you know, thinking about it. But it's the worst thing 0:11:37.600 --> 0:11:40.840 we could possibly do, neglect our babies when they need 0:11:40.920 --> 0:11:43.520 us the most, you know what I mean. I'm sorry, 0:11:43.320 --> 0:11:46.160 but you know what, we didn't know what we didn't know, 0:11:46.720 --> 0:11:50.240 and it's okay, yeah, you know, you know, we we 0:11:50.360 --> 0:11:53.000 think that we're supposed to trust these doctors that tell us, 0:11:53.040 --> 0:11:55.400 you know that know better than us. But I'm sorry 0:11:55.800 --> 0:11:58.880 when it comes to that, that is neglect. 0:11:58.920 --> 0:12:03.679 I think too, like I don't. I felt this responsibility, 0:12:03.800 --> 0:12:07.400 especially having two little girls, that my job. I had 0:12:07.440 --> 0:12:08.959 this in the back of my head almost in a 0:12:09.000 --> 0:12:12.120 weird way, not to get too involved or too connected. 0:12:12.559 --> 0:12:15.320 I told myself, my job is not to have them 0:12:15.440 --> 0:12:18.120 need me, but to have them be independent of me. 0:12:18.240 --> 0:12:20.640 That that was my job as a parent, to not 0:12:20.720 --> 0:12:24.600 create these needy creatures who I felt completed by, but 0:12:24.679 --> 0:12:27.920 instead to raise independent And so for that I almost 0:12:28.000 --> 0:12:29.839 tried to create a little bit of a disconnect so 0:12:29.880 --> 0:12:31.960 I didn't get overly emotional. 0:12:32.080 --> 0:12:36.600 Yes, and that's a big misconception too, the independence thing. 0:12:37.200 --> 0:12:42.480 We so young, we push our children dress yourself, feed yourself, 0:12:42.640 --> 0:12:46.080 entertain yourself, put your shoes on, by yourself, pushing them 0:12:46.120 --> 0:12:51.560 to be independent. But that's not how independence comes. It 0:12:51.640 --> 0:12:56.880 comes from them feeling so satisfied and depending on us. 0:12:58.040 --> 0:13:02.640 Then independence comes letting, you know, taking care of them, 0:13:02.920 --> 0:13:05.440 doing things for them, and then one day they're like, no, mommy, 0:13:05.480 --> 0:13:06.760 I want to do it. You know what I mean. 0:13:06.840 --> 0:13:11.679 That's that's true independence, not pushed because they take it 0:13:11.720 --> 0:13:15.080 as pushing them away from us, not you know, and 0:13:15.080 --> 0:13:17.360 and why is this? Why are we so rushed for 0:13:17.440 --> 0:13:22.040 them to be independent? Anyways? Right, they're babies, they're small kids, 0:13:22.080 --> 0:13:24.760 they're tartherers. What is the rush? Right? 0:13:26.200 --> 0:13:30.280 Well, I'm so are we just going to Can you 0:13:30.360 --> 0:13:33.280 ever really have a shift in the way we parent 0:13:33.679 --> 0:13:35.600 in this country? No matter how many books we put out, 0:13:35.640 --> 0:13:37.640 no matter how many experts we have come on, no 0:13:37.679 --> 0:13:40.560 matter how many times they go to whatever CDC, FDA 0:13:40.760 --> 0:13:45.120 or whatever child organization online, don't don't most people in 0:13:45.160 --> 0:13:49.280 this country end up learning parenting from their parents. And 0:13:49.280 --> 0:13:51.720 it's is it not just a cycle that continues? And 0:13:51.720 --> 0:13:53.360 how is that cycle ever going to get broken? 0:13:53.760 --> 0:13:57.400 I know, Well that's my mission is to break the cycle. 0:13:58.320 --> 0:14:02.120 It's the most important work. I think it's I think 0:14:02.120 --> 0:14:05.760 it's our responsibility as parents. There was no manual, no 0:14:05.840 --> 0:14:07.840 exam to take. We just wing it. We don't know 0:14:07.880 --> 0:14:12.760 what the hell we're doing. And it's such a crucial, vital, 0:14:13.000 --> 0:14:19.360 fundamental job that is literally shaping a soul. You know, 0:14:19.440 --> 0:14:24.400 the parent child dynamic is responsible for our lives. 0:14:24.480 --> 0:14:27.160 Really, it affects every other relationship in your life. You're 0:14:27.280 --> 0:14:30.720 whoever your significant other is you are. From what I've 0:14:30.960 --> 0:14:34.040 read and gathered, you are healing your wounds, yes, from 0:14:34.080 --> 0:14:36.640 your childhood. And so whatever is happening in your home 0:14:36.640 --> 0:14:38.600 when you're younger is absolutely going to come into your 0:14:38.600 --> 0:14:41.520 home in a marriage or in a relationship situation. 0:14:41.680 --> 0:14:44.160 Absolutely. And I think this is why we're all kind 0:14:44.160 --> 0:14:49.560 of screwed up as adults. You know, addicted alcoholics, depressed 0:14:49.880 --> 0:14:54.160 on anxiety medication. I had severe anxiety and depression and 0:14:54.280 --> 0:14:56.520 I had to get hypnotized. It was so bad. It 0:14:56.520 --> 0:14:59.720 didn't work, by the way, But you know it, and 0:14:59.720 --> 0:15:04.720 it's all comes back to our childhood. It's everything. It's 0:15:04.720 --> 0:15:08.200 not a dress rehearsal. It's the entire play, it's the 0:15:08.360 --> 0:15:12.520 entire life depends on. And it's the relationship. Life is 0:15:12.560 --> 0:15:16.600 about relationships. So it's the father, the mother, how they 0:15:16.800 --> 0:15:20.440 are with their child. The child comes with two needs, 0:15:20.520 --> 0:15:24.800 a strong parental attachment and the need to be their 0:15:24.840 --> 0:15:28.480 authentic selves. Again, they both sound simple, but we screw 0:15:28.560 --> 0:15:33.120 both of them up in a few days. 0:15:33.240 --> 0:15:35.360 And I wonder how much a lot of this has 0:15:35.440 --> 0:15:38.120 culturally comes into play too. You know, I come from 0:15:38.160 --> 0:15:41.560 a family, a long line of German Catholics, and there was, 0:15:41.680 --> 0:15:43.880 you know, being strict and being faithful and all of 0:15:43.880 --> 0:15:45.560 that was a big part of it. And there are 0:15:45.600 --> 0:15:47.720 a lot of amazing things that come from that. But 0:15:47.760 --> 0:15:51.400 I remember part of a parenting philosophy I heard growing 0:15:51.480 --> 0:15:52.960 up is my job is not to be your friend. 0:15:53.280 --> 0:15:54.920 You can have your own friends. My job is not 0:15:54.920 --> 0:15:57.680 to be your friend. What do you think about parents 0:15:58.080 --> 0:16:00.800 being friends with their children? Is that a good thing? 0:16:00.920 --> 0:16:03.400 Can that be a bad thing? A lot of people 0:16:03.600 --> 0:16:05.640 have vastly different views on that. 0:16:06.440 --> 0:16:09.640 I'm actually gonna make a post about that because I yes, 0:16:09.800 --> 0:16:12.480 be their friend. Why not? They need you as a friend. 0:16:12.520 --> 0:16:15.600 It doesn't mean you have to erase being a parent. Yes, right, 0:16:15.760 --> 0:16:19.840 like they people think either friend or a parent? Yeah both, 0:16:20.200 --> 0:16:25.720 I'm I'm I you know, because this is what happened. 0:16:25.840 --> 0:16:30.080 We take on parenting as a role and we play 0:16:30.120 --> 0:16:34.080 the part. We are in control. We have to be strict, 0:16:34.120 --> 0:16:36.120 we have to you know, keep them in line, and 0:16:36.160 --> 0:16:39.520 then we lose our humanness. And that's what our children 0:16:39.520 --> 0:16:43.280 are begging us for. They're like, where are you underneath 0:16:43.360 --> 0:16:46.160 the mom? Underneath the dad? Show me you. 0:16:46.280 --> 0:16:49.200 My daughters have pretty much said that to me recently. 0:16:49.320 --> 0:16:50.920 So yeah, I mean I need to take this all 0:16:50.960 --> 0:16:51.280 to heart. 0:16:51.400 --> 0:16:56.560 Yeah, sure, and so I'm me and my son are 0:16:56.560 --> 0:16:59.320 best friends, but I'm also his mother. I have to 0:16:59.320 --> 0:17:01.320 say no fifty times a day. I have to keep 0:17:01.360 --> 0:17:03.040 them in line. I have to take the you know, 0:17:03.160 --> 0:17:05.399 turn the TV off and say it's time to you know, 0:17:06.200 --> 0:17:09.439 and I guide him. But of course, because actually my 0:17:09.560 --> 0:17:17.520 whole thing, minute by minute, I'm always aware of our connection, 0:17:17.720 --> 0:17:21.120 of the relationship, if I'm straining it or if I'm 0:17:21.200 --> 0:17:24.879 keeping it tight where I want it. You know, that's 0:17:25.359 --> 0:17:31.200 the focus is on me and our bond. How I'm 0:17:31.280 --> 0:17:34.119 speaking to him, the look I make on my face, 0:17:34.320 --> 0:17:37.520 you know, the sigh that I keep inside, you know, 0:17:37.920 --> 0:17:43.199 because the that's what that's the missing piece. That's what 0:17:43.280 --> 0:17:43.720 I want. 0:17:43.920 --> 0:17:44.080 You know. 0:17:44.200 --> 0:17:47.080 Parents to get from this conversation is the best thing 0:17:47.119 --> 0:17:49.440 they can do for their children is to start being 0:17:49.960 --> 0:17:51.840 hyper self aware. 0:17:52.760 --> 0:17:57.360 We well, we attach this to romantic relationships usually when 0:17:57.359 --> 0:18:00.680 we say hurt people, hurt people. But you kind of 0:18:00.720 --> 0:18:03.359 alluded to something earlier, how you were going through so 0:18:03.560 --> 0:18:05.720 much that it was causing you to be a bad parent. 0:18:05.760 --> 0:18:09.680 Can we take that as our broken people are broken parents? 0:18:09.760 --> 0:18:12.240 Is that always going to have an impact on your 0:18:12.280 --> 0:18:16.000 parenting or is it possible to try to compartmentalize and 0:18:16.080 --> 0:18:17.080 separate those things. 0:18:17.160 --> 0:18:19.800 I don't think unless you do the work, it's possible, 0:18:19.960 --> 0:18:24.000 because it just seeps. It's unconscious. You're either asleep or 0:18:24.040 --> 0:18:28.600 you're awake. I was asleep and now I'm awake, and 0:18:28.880 --> 0:18:32.360 it's a different world. It's a different world when you're 0:18:32.400 --> 0:18:35.359 awake and you're conscious, and you're aware of your energy, 0:18:35.440 --> 0:18:37.600 You're aware of what you are bringing to the table. 0:18:37.600 --> 0:18:40.199 You're aware that your child is only reacting to the 0:18:40.320 --> 0:18:43.600 environment you've created for them. They're not And when they 0:18:43.680 --> 0:18:47.280 are disrespectful or rude, or giving attitude or hitting even 0:18:48.720 --> 0:18:51.440 what does it say? What is? What did you have 0:18:51.640 --> 0:18:51.959 in that? 0:18:52.760 --> 0:18:52.960 You know? 0:18:55.320 --> 0:19:01.520 But I think we're all broken. We're all broken, and 0:19:01.560 --> 0:19:04.119 no one tells us that we have to heal. 0:19:05.160 --> 0:19:07.959 How would you recommend again? We are folks sitting in 0:19:07.960 --> 0:19:09.840 this studio and we are privileged to be here. We 0:19:09.920 --> 0:19:12.720 have some opportunity and resources that a lot of people don't. 0:19:12.800 --> 0:19:14.640 And I would say most people don't because some people 0:19:14.680 --> 0:19:16.359 are just trying to get food on the table tonight 0:19:16.680 --> 0:19:18.359 and they're not trying to listen to any of the 0:19:18.400 --> 0:19:20.879 three of us talk about how they need to go heal. 0:19:21.400 --> 0:19:27.000 How do you even help and guide parents? It's hard 0:19:27.080 --> 0:19:30.600 to heal when you're under constant assault of a bank 0:19:30.640 --> 0:19:32.720 account not having enough money in it, not enough food 0:19:32.720 --> 0:19:36.959 on the table. What could you possibly advise folks who 0:19:37.000 --> 0:19:39.959 are in that struggle but still trying to do the 0:19:39.960 --> 0:19:41.000 best they can as a parent. 0:19:41.359 --> 0:19:44.600 Yeah, Well, first I always say to just look back 0:19:44.640 --> 0:19:48.320 at your childhood and start reflecting, and the big memories 0:19:48.359 --> 0:19:51.160 always come up, you know, the ones because we remember 0:19:51.200 --> 0:19:55.200 how we were made to feel. And even the step 0:19:55.240 --> 0:20:01.200 before self awareness is self compassion, you know, so to say, wow, 0:20:02.119 --> 0:20:04.320 my parents were a little rough on me, or I 0:20:04.320 --> 0:20:07.080 didn't deserve that, or mom mom didn't play with me, 0:20:07.200 --> 0:20:10.520 or I felt neglected, I felt portrayed, I felt you know, 0:20:10.840 --> 0:20:12.960 they punished me a lot, or they made me feel 0:20:13.040 --> 0:20:17.399 worse about myself. Or I wasn't allowed to be loud, 0:20:17.640 --> 0:20:20.000 or I wasn't I wasn't allowed to be shy. And 0:20:20.200 --> 0:20:24.760 let you know, look back and say and not to 0:20:24.920 --> 0:20:27.359 feel sorry for yourself, but a little bit, you know, 0:20:27.520 --> 0:20:31.199 to have that wow, I went through that, that was 0:20:31.320 --> 0:20:36.439 hard on little me, and and have that compassion and 0:20:36.520 --> 0:20:40.680 then self awareness, be like you know, my son used 0:20:40.720 --> 0:20:44.000 to splash me my face with water and it used 0:20:44.040 --> 0:20:47.120 to turn like playfully, but I'd go into a rage 0:20:47.720 --> 0:20:50.159 and like rage, like I'd scream so loud that he 0:20:50.200 --> 0:20:52.399 would shake and I would shake like it was a mess. 0:20:53.800 --> 0:20:58.440 But but now he can do it, and I laugh 0:20:58.600 --> 0:21:02.800 because I've connected the dots to why that enraged me 0:21:02.880 --> 0:21:06.080 so much, why it provoked me so much, why it 0:21:06.119 --> 0:21:12.879 made me so you know, heated, and just to self awareness. 0:21:12.560 --> 0:21:20.760 Just connecting the dots magically changes you. Just it does silently, 0:21:21.119 --> 0:21:26.080 but it makes you more aware. It makes you have 0:21:26.200 --> 0:21:30.080 that choice in the heat of the moment that you're 0:21:30.119 --> 0:21:34.600 not just reacting. You you pause and you're like, Okay, 0:21:34.760 --> 0:21:35.960 what is this really about? 0:21:36.480 --> 0:21:38.359 Yeah, I mean, because it is in those tough moments, 0:21:38.440 --> 0:21:41.439 especially when you are frazzled, coming off of you know, 0:21:41.480 --> 0:21:44.399 maybe two jobs and being worried about not paying the 0:21:44.400 --> 0:21:46.200 bill or getting a big or any of that stuff, 0:21:46.320 --> 0:21:50.280 you lose your temper, quicker, your your ability to handle 0:21:50.400 --> 0:21:52.639 any little thing splashing your water in your face, or 0:21:52.680 --> 0:21:54.960 a kid screaming or crying. It can send you into 0:21:55.000 --> 0:21:58.600 a rage. Yes, that's totally understandable. I thought something else 0:21:58.600 --> 0:22:02.560 that was interesting because and with that sometimes comes yelling. Yeah. 0:22:02.680 --> 0:22:07.359 But one of the things you wrote in your social 0:22:07.400 --> 0:22:10.080 media account, which is h I Love parenting, by the way, 0:22:11.280 --> 0:22:15.240 was that kids don't listen to the loudest voice, they 0:22:15.280 --> 0:22:18.040 listen to this safest voice. Yes. I thought that was 0:22:18.160 --> 0:22:21.760 so well put because if your the loudest voice, they're 0:22:21.800 --> 0:22:23.600 going to go find another one. 0:22:23.720 --> 0:22:27.399 Yes. Yes, And you know, I was the loudest voice, 0:22:27.680 --> 0:22:30.679 and my son answered me in his loudest voice like 0:22:30.720 --> 0:22:33.160 it was just you know what I mean? And then 0:22:33.240 --> 0:22:37.159 he was showing signs of anxiety and no, there's no 0:22:37.240 --> 0:22:42.240 tantrum without stress or anxiety in the child, right, and 0:22:43.800 --> 0:22:47.440 so he was I was just I was giving him 0:22:47.480 --> 0:22:50.000 mine on a silver platter. He was soaking it up 0:22:50.160 --> 0:22:52.080 like a sponge, all of my anxiety. 0:22:52.320 --> 0:22:54.560 So when your child has I just want to hear 0:22:54.640 --> 0:22:56.560 you because this is something to think about. If your 0:22:56.640 --> 0:22:59.400 child is having a temper tantrum, you actually should look 0:22:59.400 --> 0:23:03.640 at yourself absolutely, not at your child. No, that's hard. 0:23:03.800 --> 0:23:06.720 I know, it's very very you know, I would have 0:23:06.720 --> 0:23:09.679 gotten a spanking, or I would have put my kids 0:23:09.720 --> 0:23:12.200 in the corner or pulled them out for a very 0:23:12.200 --> 0:23:14.199 long time out. But I should have given myself a 0:23:14.240 --> 0:23:14.640