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Speaker 1: Welcome everyone to this edition of Amy and DJ. In

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Speaker 1: this episode, have you ever just been scrolling through Instagram

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Speaker 1: and you see a quote and it catches your eye?

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Speaker 1: J you do this all the time.

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Speaker 2: I have never done it. Tell me about it, please,

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Speaker 2: But I know you like scrolling.

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Speaker 1: Yes, you know I do it. And so just the

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Speaker 1: other day, actually something caught my eye, and I actually

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Speaker 1: think I was struggling with a little mom guilt, and

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Speaker 1: so I think this one popped out on me. And

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Speaker 1: I also believe that my phone hears me.

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Speaker 2: Oh yeah, you think apples your.

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Speaker 1: Rates certain sites so that I see them just when

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Speaker 1: I'm thinking about the most she.

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Speaker 2: Thinks if we're discussing chicken wing, chicken wings, they're going

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Speaker 2: to put up chicken wing ads on her Instagram?

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Speaker 1: Is just show up what she thinks on my advertisement.

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Speaker 1: I have shown you. I feel like I've proven it

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Speaker 1: time and time again.

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Speaker 2: But the other day, you have some parenting guilt.

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Speaker 1: Back to the story, I think about some parenting guilt

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Speaker 1: and this I'm going to just kind of read what

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Speaker 1: was on my screen on this Instagram site. The quality

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Speaker 1: of your parent child relationship outranks every other factor in

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Speaker 1: predicting your child's lifelong mental health. Now my attention is

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Speaker 1: completely there, not your rules, not your discipline style, not

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Speaker 1: your parenting techniques. It's the connection itself. Your child isn't

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Speaker 1: rebelling against your rules, They're rebelling against disconnection. It was

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Speaker 1: never about behavior, It was always about belonging. Yeah, because

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Speaker 1: it's really really cool. The quality of your relationship is

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Speaker 1: the biggest determining factor in your child's mental health or

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Speaker 1: mental well being. So then you know how you just

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Speaker 1: you scroll through. There's different screens. There's a bunch of

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Speaker 1: other powerful quotes in this one Instagram post, but it

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Speaker 1: ends with this. You think they're testing boundaries, they're testing

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Speaker 1: something deeper. Does your love remain when they're at their worst?

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Speaker 1: Your answer becomes the their blue print for self worth.

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Speaker 1: Holy moly, Like I had chills from head to toe.

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Speaker 2: And I have not stopped hearing about this woman ever.

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Speaker 1: Look, I said, TJ, I often annoy you by showing

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Speaker 1: you things that moved me online. I immediately told you

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Speaker 1: I know about this post.

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Speaker 2: I know which ones to dismiss.

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Speaker 1: This wasn't one, so I saw it, and look, I

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Speaker 1: am most of us are probably discerning in terms of

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Speaker 1: who we follow because you don't want to be inundated.

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Speaker 1: But I just immediately started following this Instagram site, and

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Speaker 1: I think within a day I got a d M

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Speaker 1: back and thanking me for following her, and it was

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Speaker 1: really sweet and it was just really I just moved me.

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Speaker 1: And then I thought, wait, this woman seems awesome, her

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Speaker 1: site is incredible. Why wouldn't we have her on the podcast?

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Speaker 1: And so guess what only Yeah, she's actually sitting right

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Speaker 1: across from us right now. Reamrouta joins us at Parenting

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Speaker 1: Expert author Mom, and just thank you for being here.

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Speaker 1: And you really really grabbed my attention. The deeper dive

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Speaker 1: I did on your Instagram account, the more I fell

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Speaker 1: in love with what you're telling parents.

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Speaker 3: Thank you, so thank you. I'm thrilled to be here

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Speaker 3: with you. Thank you all.

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Speaker 1: So how does one become a parenting expert? How did

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Speaker 1: you get started in all of this? When did you

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Speaker 1: have your aha moment?

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Speaker 3: Well, I started my parenting journey on the wrong foot.

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Speaker 3: I was very anxious and nervous and panicked and full

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Speaker 3: of unprocessed anger that was coming up with my son,

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Speaker 3: with my baby son when he was so young, and

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Speaker 3: then COVID hit right around when he was about turning two,

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Speaker 3: and I broke. I had my breakdown, my rock bottom.

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Speaker 3: I was just in debilitating fear. There was also a

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Speaker 3: tragedy in my family that also hit me, and I

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Speaker 3: just broke and things were not going well between me

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Speaker 3: and my son. He wasn't sleeping, I was yelling. It

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Speaker 3: was a mess. But when I broke, it hit me

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Speaker 3: like a ton of bricks. What was the problem, And

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Speaker 3: the problem was me. It was what I was bringing

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Speaker 3: to the table. It was my energy that my son

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Speaker 3: was reacting to. His behavior was you know, just a

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Speaker 3: reflection of my inner landscape. And the breakdown led me

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Speaker 3: to just this self awareness, this transformation, reading, meditating, learning,

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Speaker 3: and then I found doctor Shefali, who is a you know,

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Speaker 3: the conscious parenting god, and I started learning from her

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Speaker 3: and then I became trained through her to become a

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Speaker 3: conscious parenting coach. Because of the transformation I had, I

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Speaker 3: went from one end to the extreme other, and I

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Speaker 3: wanted all parents to feel the liberation and the change

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Speaker 3: and the amazingness that I now feel.

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Speaker 2: I don't even know where to start, so I'm going

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Speaker 2: to go back to where you said, the initial anxiety

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Speaker 2: when your son was a baby. Was what you were

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Speaker 2: going through them then something that a lot of parents

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Speaker 2: go through. Is it typical or do you think you

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Speaker 2: were doing or what you were was happening to you?

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Speaker 2: Was more on an extreme end.

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Speaker 3: I think it was typical, A little extra because of

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Speaker 3: my childhood that I never dealt with. I actually, until

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Speaker 3: I was forty one, I said I had the best childhood.

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Speaker 3: It was great. And then when I started really looking

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Speaker 3: at it, I didn't at all. I told myself I

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Speaker 3: had a great childhood. I was living in a state

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Speaker 3: of fear constantly. I was physically abused by my father. Sorry,

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Speaker 3: I you know, I don't remember my mother playing with me.

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Speaker 3: Sorry mom, I don't you know. And our children are

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Speaker 3: gurus and the fact that they show us where we

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Speaker 3: need to heal. So my son's inability to sleep just

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Speaker 3: had me on a tailspin, and I was literally yelling

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Speaker 3: at him to fall asleep. And I think, yes, so,

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Speaker 3: I think every parent comes with their own story, with

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Speaker 3: their own unresolved issues. But mine was just a lot

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Speaker 3: of anxiety and rage inside.

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Speaker 1: Were you parenting the way you were parented?

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Speaker 3: Yes too, Yes, I was actually neurotically repeating things my

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Speaker 3: dad used to say to me to my son for

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Speaker 3: no reason, you know, I just it just came out

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Speaker 3: like a robot. And yeah, I was hot tempered like

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Speaker 3: my father. And now I'm you know, I really don't

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Speaker 3: yell anymore.

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Speaker 1: Your story, when I was reading the background of it,

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Speaker 1: spoke to me because I look back. I also had

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Speaker 1: a child, my first baby, who didn't sleep for a year,

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Speaker 1: and I actually thought I was going to lose my

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Speaker 1: mind because you have these certain expectations about how a

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Speaker 1: child is supposed to act. Because that's what I was,

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Speaker 1: that was what was expected of me. So you then

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Speaker 1: immediately expect that of your children, and then you think

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Speaker 1: you can control them, and it turns out you can't

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Speaker 1: actually control anyone else but yourself. But yes, that's when

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Speaker 1: you start yelling, you start getting aggravated. And look, I've

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Speaker 1: struggled with those defaults in my parenting, and I've looked

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Speaker 1: back and thought, if I could do it again, I

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Speaker 1: would have done it so differently. So hearing what you

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Speaker 1: have to say to parents to me is such a

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Speaker 1: game changer because we were trying, We're all trying to

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Speaker 1: do the right thing. We're all trying to get our

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Speaker 1: children to be good people to behave to be respectful.

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Speaker 1: But how do you do that without being controlling and

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Speaker 1: being a disciplinarian. You say, there's another way.

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Speaker 3: Yes, And that's the magic place that I think we

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Speaker 3: all as parents need to try to get to. It's between. Yes,

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Speaker 3: our children need boundaries, they actually crave boundaries or else

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Speaker 3: that causes anxiety too. We need to hold them and

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Speaker 3: guide them. But without that control, without fear, without shame,

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Speaker 3: and keeping. You know, we think that our power as

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Speaker 3: parents comes in how much we have, how much control

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Speaker 3: we have over our children. But that's so wrong. Our

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Speaker 3: power and our influence is in our strength of our

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Speaker 3: relationship with our children. That is what we have to

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Speaker 3: focus on. That is what we have to hold on to.

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Speaker 3: That is what we have to put Number one not

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Speaker 3: quote unquote discipline, because when we say discipline, it usually

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Speaker 3: means punishment. Discipline means to teach, to guide. So yes,

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Speaker 3: we are supposed to discipline our children. We're not supposed

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Speaker 3: to punish them. Punishment doesn't even work, it's it's counterproductive.

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Speaker 3: That's another podcast episode.

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Speaker 1: But you know, I made a whole bunch of mistakes

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Speaker 1: because I'm telling you, punishment was a huge part of

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Speaker 1: my parenting.

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Speaker 2: But what do you mean by you keep saying relationship

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Speaker 2: is important? What does that look like aside from discipline?

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Speaker 2: What does it look like for parent? Who's listening right now?

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Speaker 2: And how am I supposed to improve relationship?

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Speaker 3: Okay? Well, relationship is everything and it sounds simple, but

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Speaker 3: it's the hardest thing to do because it takes the

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Speaker 3: parent being present and none of us are. You know,

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Speaker 3: it's especially in this day and age. We are busy,

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Speaker 3: we are distracted, we are always in a rush, we

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Speaker 3: are stressed, we are frazzled, and we're not even connecting

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Speaker 3: with our children. We're not sitting with them and doing nothing.

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Speaker 1: We're giving them iPads and iPhones or we're on ours.

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Speaker 3: Yes exactly, and there's just it's all disconnection. Really, what's

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Speaker 3: going on. We're not having deep conversations, we're not you know,

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Speaker 3: open emotionally with them, vice versa. It's just like getting

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Speaker 3: through the day overscheduled and we're not there. It's not

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Speaker 3: another myth is what we do for our children? Do

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Speaker 3: do do? We're so consumed with what we do for

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Speaker 3: them that we forget who we are to them, and

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Speaker 3: that's what matters. We need to be We are their

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Speaker 3: safety net. We are their you know, their world. They

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Speaker 3: are so needy for us emotionally, and no one tells

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Speaker 3: us that. No one teaches us that. They just tell

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Speaker 3: us the types of diapers to get and wet wipes,

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Speaker 3: and they don't say the first three years are the

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Speaker 3: most important. They don't tell us that. They tell us

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Speaker 3: to ignore them when they're crying at night.

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Speaker 1: You know, I did that. I have chills because I

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Speaker 1: did that, and I felt guilty when I was doing it,

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Speaker 1: but I did it because I thought I was supposed to.

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Speaker 3: I know, I know, you say, pick that baby up. Yes,

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Speaker 3: I did it too. I was you know, my doctor,

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Speaker 3: even against of course, it's against all of our motherly

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Speaker 3: instincts to do that. And that was before I had

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Speaker 3: my AHA. And it's my biggest regret of my life

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Speaker 3: and it haunts me a lot and I fight not

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Speaker 3: you know, thinking about it. But it's the worst thing

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Speaker 3: we could possibly do, neglect our babies when they need

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Speaker 3: us the most, you know what I mean. I'm sorry,

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Speaker 3: but you know what, we didn't know what we didn't know,

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Speaker 3: and it's okay, yeah, you know, you know, we we

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Speaker 3: think that we're supposed to trust these doctors that tell us,

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Speaker 3: you know that know better than us. But I'm sorry

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Speaker 3: when it comes to that, that is neglect.

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Speaker 1: I think too, like I don't. I felt this responsibility,

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Speaker 1: especially having two little girls, that my job. I had

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Speaker 1: this in the back of my head almost in a

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Speaker 1: weird way, not to get too involved or too connected.

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Speaker 1: I told myself, my job is not to have them

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Speaker 1: need me, but to have them be independent of me.

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Speaker 1: That that was my job as a parent, to not

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Speaker 1: create these needy creatures who I felt completed by, but

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Speaker 1: instead to raise independent And so for that I almost

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Speaker 1: tried to create a little bit of a disconnect so

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Speaker 1: I didn't get overly emotional.

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Speaker 3: Yes, and that's a big misconception too, the independence thing.

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Speaker 3: We so young, we push our children dress yourself, feed yourself,

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Speaker 3: entertain yourself, put your shoes on, by yourself, pushing them

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Speaker 3: to be independent. But that's not how independence comes. It

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Speaker 3: comes from them feeling so satisfied and depending on us.

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Speaker 3: Then independence comes letting, you know, taking care of them,

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Speaker 3: doing things for them, and then one day they're like, no, mommy,

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Speaker 3: I want to do it. You know what I mean.

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Speaker 3: That's that's true independence, not pushed because they take it

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Speaker 3: as pushing them away from us, not you know, and

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Speaker 3: and why is this? Why are we so rushed for

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Speaker 3: them to be independent? Anyways? Right, they're babies, they're small kids,

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Speaker 3: they're tartherers. What is the rush? Right?

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Speaker 2: Well, I'm so are we just going to Can you

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Speaker 2: ever really have a shift in the way we parent

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Speaker 2: in this country? No matter how many books we put out,

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Speaker 2: no matter how many experts we have come on, no

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Speaker 2: matter how many times they go to whatever CDC, FDA

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Speaker 2: or whatever child organization online, don't don't most people in

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Speaker 2: this country end up learning parenting from their parents. And

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Speaker 2: it's is it not just a cycle that continues? And

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Speaker 2: how is that cycle ever going to get broken?

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Speaker 3: I know, Well that's my mission is to break the cycle.

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Speaker 3: It's the most important work. I think it's I think

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Speaker 3: it's our responsibility as parents. There was no manual, no

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Speaker 3: exam to take. We just wing it. We don't know

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Speaker 3: what the hell we're doing. And it's such a crucial, vital,

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Speaker 3: fundamental job that is literally shaping a soul. You know,

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Speaker 3: the parent child dynamic is responsible for our lives.

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Speaker 1: Really, it affects every other relationship in your life. You're

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Speaker 1: whoever your significant other is you are. From what I've

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Speaker 1: read and gathered, you are healing your wounds, yes, from

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Speaker 1: your childhood. And so whatever is happening in your home

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Speaker 1: when you're younger is absolutely going to come into your

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Speaker 1: home in a marriage or in a relationship situation.

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Speaker 3: Absolutely. And I think this is why we're all kind

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Speaker 3: of screwed up as adults. You know, addicted alcoholics, depressed

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Speaker 3: on anxiety medication. I had severe anxiety and depression and

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Speaker 3: I had to get hypnotized. It was so bad. It

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Speaker 3: didn't work, by the way, But you know it, and

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Speaker 3: it's all comes back to our childhood. It's everything. It's

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Speaker 3: not a dress rehearsal. It's the entire play, it's the

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Speaker 3: entire life depends on. And it's the relationship. Life is

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Speaker 3: about relationships. So it's the father, the mother, how they

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Speaker 3: are with their child. The child comes with two needs,

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Speaker 3: a strong parental attachment and the need to be their

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Speaker 3: authentic selves. Again, they both sound simple, but we screw

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Speaker 3: both of them up in a few days.

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Speaker 1: And I wonder how much a lot of this has

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Speaker 1: culturally comes into play too. You know, I come from

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Speaker 1: a family, a long line of German Catholics, and there was,

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Speaker 1: you know, being strict and being faithful and all of

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Speaker 1: that was a big part of it. And there are

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Speaker 1: a lot of amazing things that come from that. But

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Speaker 1: I remember part of a parenting philosophy I heard growing

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Speaker 1: up is my job is not to be your friend.

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Speaker 1: You can have your own friends. My job is not

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Speaker 1: to be your friend. What do you think about parents

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Speaker 1: being friends with their children? Is that a good thing?

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Speaker 1: Can that be a bad thing? A lot of people

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Speaker 1: have vastly different views on that.

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Speaker 3: I'm actually gonna make a post about that because I yes,

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Speaker 3: be their friend. Why not? They need you as a friend.

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Speaker 3: It doesn't mean you have to erase being a parent. Yes, right,

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Speaker 3: like they people think either friend or a parent? Yeah both,

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Speaker 3: I'm I'm I you know, because this is what happened.

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Speaker 3: We take on parenting as a role and we play

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Speaker 3: the part. We are in control. We have to be strict,

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Speaker 3: we have to you know, keep them in line, and

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Speaker 3: then we lose our humanness. And that's what our children

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Speaker 3: are begging us for. They're like, where are you underneath

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Speaker 3: the mom? Underneath the dad? Show me you.

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Speaker 1: My daughters have pretty much said that to me recently.

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Speaker 1: So yeah, I mean I need to take this all

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Speaker 1: to heart.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, sure, and so I'm me and my son are

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Speaker 3: best friends, but I'm also his mother. I have to

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Speaker 3: say no fifty times a day. I have to keep

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Speaker 3: them in line. I have to take the you know,

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Speaker 3: turn the TV off and say it's time to you know,

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Speaker 3: and I guide him. But of course, because actually my

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Speaker 3: whole thing, minute by minute, I'm always aware of our connection,

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Speaker 3: of the relationship, if I'm straining it or if I'm

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Speaker 3: keeping it tight where I want it. You know, that's

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Speaker 3: the focus is on me and our bond. How I'm

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Speaker 3: speaking to him, the look I make on my face,

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Speaker 3: you know, the sigh that I keep inside, you know,

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Speaker 3: because the that's what that's the missing piece. That's what

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Speaker 3: I want.

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Speaker 1: You know.

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Speaker 3: Parents to get from this conversation is the best thing

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Speaker 3: they can do for their children is to start being

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Speaker 3: hyper self aware.

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Speaker 2: We well, we attach this to romantic relationships usually when

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Speaker 2: we say hurt people, hurt people. But you kind of

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Speaker 2: alluded to something earlier, how you were going through so

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Speaker 2: much that it was causing you to be a bad parent.

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Speaker 2: Can we take that as our broken people are broken parents?

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Speaker 2: Is that always going to have an impact on your

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Speaker 2: parenting or is it possible to try to compartmentalize and

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Speaker 2: separate those things.

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Speaker 3: I don't think unless you do the work, it's possible,

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Speaker 3: because it just seeps. It's unconscious. You're either asleep or

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Speaker 3: you're awake. I was asleep and now I'm awake, and

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Speaker 3: it's a different world. It's a different world when you're

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Speaker 3: awake and you're conscious, and you're aware of your energy,

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Speaker 3: You're aware of what you are bringing to the table.

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Speaker 3: You're aware that your child is only reacting to the

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Speaker 3: environment you've created for them. They're not And when they

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Speaker 3: are disrespectful or rude, or giving attitude or hitting even

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Speaker 3: what does it say? What is? What did you have

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Speaker 3: in that?

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Speaker 1: You know?

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Speaker 3: But I think we're all broken. We're all broken, and

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Speaker 3: no one tells us that we have to heal.

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Speaker 2: How would you recommend again? We are folks sitting in

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Speaker 2: this studio and we are privileged to be here. We

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Speaker 2: have some opportunity and resources that a lot of people don't.

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Speaker 2: And I would say most people don't because some people

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Speaker 2: are just trying to get food on the table tonight

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Speaker 2: and they're not trying to listen to any of the

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Speaker 2: three of us talk about how they need to go heal.

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Speaker 2: How do you even help and guide parents? It's hard

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Speaker 2: to heal when you're under constant assault of a bank

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Speaker 2: account not having enough money in it, not enough food

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Speaker 2: on the table. What could you possibly advise folks who

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Speaker 2: are in that struggle but still trying to do the

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Speaker 2: best they can as a parent.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, Well, first I always say to just look back

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Speaker 3: at your childhood and start reflecting, and the big memories

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Speaker 3: always come up, you know, the ones because we remember

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Speaker 3: how we were made to feel. And even the step

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Speaker 3: before self awareness is self compassion, you know, so to say, wow,

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Speaker 3: my parents were a little rough on me, or I

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Speaker 3: didn't deserve that, or mom mom didn't play with me,

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Speaker 3: or I felt neglected, I felt portrayed, I felt you know,

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Speaker 3: they punished me a lot, or they made me feel

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Speaker 3: worse about myself. Or I wasn't allowed to be loud,

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Speaker 3: or I wasn't I wasn't allowed to be shy. And

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Speaker 3: let you know, look back and say and not to

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Speaker 3: feel sorry for yourself, but a little bit, you know,

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Speaker 3: to have that wow, I went through that, that was

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Speaker 3: hard on little me, and and have that compassion and

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Speaker 3: then self awareness, be like you know, my son used

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Speaker 3: to splash me my face with water and it used

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Speaker 3: to turn like playfully, but I'd go into a rage

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Speaker 3: and like rage, like I'd scream so loud that he

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Speaker 3: would shake and I would shake like it was a mess.

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Speaker 3: But but now he can do it, and I laugh

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Speaker 3: because I've connected the dots to why that enraged me

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Speaker 3: so much, why it provoked me so much, why it

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Speaker 3: made me so you know, heated, and just to self awareness.

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Speaker 3: Just connecting the dots magically changes you. Just it does silently,

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Speaker 3: but it makes you more aware. It makes you have

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Speaker 3: that choice in the heat of the moment that you're

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Speaker 3: not just reacting. You you pause and you're like, Okay,

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Speaker 3: what is this really about?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, because it is in those tough moments,

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Speaker 1: especially when you are frazzled, coming off of you know,

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Speaker 1: maybe two jobs and being worried about not paying the

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Speaker 1: bill or getting a big or any of that stuff,

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Speaker 1: you lose your temper, quicker, your your ability to handle

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Speaker 1: any little thing splashing your water in your face, or

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Speaker 1: a kid screaming or crying. It can send you into

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Speaker 1: a rage. Yes, that's totally understandable. I thought something else

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Speaker 1: that was interesting because and with that sometimes comes yelling. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: But one of the things you wrote in your social

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Speaker 1: media account, which is h I Love parenting, by the way,

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Speaker 1: was that kids don't listen to the loudest voice, they

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Speaker 1: listen to this safest voice. Yes. I thought that was

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Speaker 1: so well put because if your the loudest voice, they're

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Speaker 1: going to go find another one.

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Speaker 3: Yes. Yes, And you know, I was the loudest voice,

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Speaker 3: and my son answered me in his loudest voice like

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Speaker 3: it was just you know what I mean? And then

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Speaker 3: he was showing signs of anxiety and no, there's no

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Speaker 3: tantrum without stress or anxiety in the child, right, and

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Speaker 3: so he was I was just I was giving him

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Speaker 3: mine on a silver platter. He was soaking it up

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Speaker 3: like a sponge, all of my anxiety.

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Speaker 1: So when your child has I just want to hear

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Speaker 1: you because this is something to think about. If your

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Speaker 1: child is having a temper tantrum, you actually should look

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Speaker 1: at yourself absolutely, not at your child. No, that's hard.

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Speaker 1: I know, it's very very you know, I would have

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Speaker 1: gotten a spanking, or I would have put my kids

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Speaker 1: in the corner or pulled them out for a very

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Speaker 1: long time out. But I should have given myself a

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Speaker 1: time out.

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Speaker 3: Well, yes, and why look what you just said. You know,

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Speaker 3: I put them in the corner or a very long

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Speaker 3: time out. Why because they had big feelings that you

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Speaker 3: can't handle. Wow, you know, and so you withdraw your

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Speaker 3: love for five ten minutes or an hour?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, because that's what I knew to do, or that's

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Speaker 1: what I thought was the right thing to do.

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Speaker 3: And what message did that give them? You're unlovable right now?

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Speaker 3: I can't handle it right now. You're not invited in

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Speaker 3: my presence right now to.

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Speaker 1: Com make me cry.

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Speaker 3: I'm sorry.

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Speaker 1: No, but that's true. I hear you.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, No, your daughter's had a legitimate rape. Hi.

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Speaker 3: Uh.

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Speaker 2: I had to think I dismissed them every time they

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Speaker 2: pulled me aside to talk about you.

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Speaker 1: But no, but that, but that is not something we're

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Speaker 1: thinking about in the moment. We're needing to correct their behavior,

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Speaker 1: but we need to ask ourselves why are they acting

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Speaker 1: that way?

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Speaker 3: And behavior the word it's, you know, it's it's we're

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Speaker 3: so focused on their behavior, and but we we we

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Speaker 3: don't even consider that we have anything to do with it.

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Speaker 3: They're they're reacting more than behaving.

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Speaker 2: I got a couple more big things. Want to hit

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Speaker 2: it one. We'll get to social media in a second.

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Speaker 2: That's its own thing, properly, right. Okay, but what would

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Speaker 2: you say for parents out there the things you're hearing

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Speaker 2: about most as the biggest challenges. I don't want to

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Speaker 2: just say what's the number one? Maybe you do have

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Speaker 2: a number one. But when folks do ask for advice,

434
00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:36,800
Speaker 2: what what are some of those main challenges and some

435
00:24:36,880 --> 00:24:39,879
Speaker 2: of the solutions you do give? So just curious what

436
00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:40,199
Speaker 2: it is?

437
00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:43,879
Speaker 3: Well, I get a lot of you know, just kids

438
00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:47,560
Speaker 3: not listening and throwing tantrums and hitting their brothers and

439
00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:51,240
Speaker 3: sisters and just being you know, strong willed quote.

440
00:24:51,080 --> 00:24:53,600
Speaker 2: Unquote, and some of us called the misbehaving. That's not

441
00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:55,639
Speaker 2: what we should call it. Strong willed and misbehaving?

442
00:24:55,680 --> 00:24:57,440
Speaker 3: Is that the same thing?

443
00:24:57,480 --> 00:24:57,840
Speaker 2: Okay?

444
00:24:58,320 --> 00:25:03,639
Speaker 3: Do tell well, just because you know, a child that

445
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:08,280
Speaker 3: is constantly tantrums are normal, but not every day five

446
00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:11,520
Speaker 3: times a day, you know that's a sign that something

447
00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:15,919
Speaker 3: is a miss. You know, some thing's not you know,

448
00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:20,919
Speaker 3: the child is resisting something. So this is what I

449
00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:23,920
Speaker 3: tell parents. Our job is not to fix and modify

450
00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:27,680
Speaker 3: the behavior, but to remove what the child is resisting.

451
00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:32,920
Speaker 3: And when that's gone. There's nothing to resist. And usually

452
00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:39,639
Speaker 3: it's the parents over control. They're misaligned expectations, check check,

453
00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:46,199
Speaker 3: you know, their anxiety, their their you know, irritability and predictability.

454
00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:49,200
Speaker 3: You know, we all you know, they're distractability. They're always

455
00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:52,160
Speaker 3: in a rush, They're always rushing the child. So there's

456
00:25:52,200 --> 00:25:57,240
Speaker 3: you know, they're so I I really make the parent

457
00:25:58,040 --> 00:26:01,520
Speaker 3: look in the mirror, and they think I'm going to

458
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:04,120
Speaker 3: give them, you know, five tips or tricks, but it's like, no,

459
00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:08,000
Speaker 3: I'm sorry, you have to just really start becoming a

460
00:26:08,040 --> 00:26:09,360
Speaker 3: witness of yourself.

461
00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:12,320
Speaker 2: Well, it sounds like for sure that's number one behavioral issues.

462
00:26:12,359 --> 00:26:14,239
Speaker 2: People want to ask how do I do that? And

463
00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:17,680
Speaker 2: the answer sounds like it's always check yourself, the parent

464
00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:19,879
Speaker 2: first and foremost, you need to check out your behavior.

465
00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:24,800
Speaker 1: Oh well, that's that's really remarkable. I'm amazed by that.

466
00:26:24,840 --> 00:26:27,720
Speaker 1: All right. So the biggest I was going to ask

467
00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:30,920
Speaker 1: you what the biggest mistake parents make, but it's at

468
00:26:30,960 --> 00:26:33,840
Speaker 1: looking at the child's behavior instead of their own. Yes,

469
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:36,359
Speaker 1: I mean, oh, I was not expecting that be hindred.

470
00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:40,720
Speaker 3: But because we all make mistakes because we are told

471
00:26:41,359 --> 00:26:44,760
Speaker 3: just the wrong information and we're not educated on what

472
00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:48,639
Speaker 3: really really matters. But yes, absolutely is focusing on the

473
00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:56,560
Speaker 3: child's behavior. I think it's dangerous to parent without looking

474
00:26:56,600 --> 00:26:59,960
Speaker 3: at yourself and looking at what you bring, and you're

475
00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:07,159
Speaker 3: just burdening the child with your crap and the child

476
00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:10,320
Speaker 3: is it's not theirs to carry, it's not their burden

477
00:27:10,359 --> 00:27:14,000
Speaker 3: to carry. And you know, there's just a lot of

478
00:27:14,160 --> 00:27:18,320
Speaker 3: mistakes about pushing a child to succeed, about being in control,

479
00:27:18,440 --> 00:27:24,080
Speaker 3: being your power, you know, just that we need to

480
00:27:24,160 --> 00:27:26,879
Speaker 3: mold our children into something that we need them to

481
00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:31,560
Speaker 3: be instead of actually preserving and protecting who they already are.

482
00:27:32,560 --> 00:27:35,119
Speaker 1: Wow. Is punishment ever? Okay?

483
00:27:35,119 --> 00:27:35,199
Speaker 3: No?

484
00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:36,360
Speaker 1: Wow?

485
00:27:36,880 --> 00:27:40,320
Speaker 3: No, I add natural consequences are okay. You know, like

486
00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:43,439
Speaker 3: there's a consequence to anything already. So when you have

487
00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:45,359
Speaker 3: to impose one and think of one and think of

488
00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:46,840
Speaker 3: what am I going to take? What am I going

489
00:27:46,920 --> 00:27:48,760
Speaker 3: to do to him? How am I going to make

490
00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:51,640
Speaker 3: my child suffer for this? Then it's not Wow.

491
00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:54,320
Speaker 2: But there's no consequence to not cleaning your room, no

492
00:27:54,440 --> 00:27:57,119
Speaker 2: consequence to not doing what you're told, no consequence for

493
00:27:57,200 --> 00:27:59,440
Speaker 2: bad grades, Like is there No, we're not just talking

494
00:27:59,440 --> 00:28:02,159
Speaker 2: about corporate right, That's not what we're talking about. But

495
00:28:02,320 --> 00:28:05,320
Speaker 2: is there never a room where that any kind of

496
00:28:05,359 --> 00:28:08,119
Speaker 2: consequence that I impose as a parent on the child's.

497
00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:10,919
Speaker 3: Okay, Well, do you mean punishment or consequence?

498
00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:13,359
Speaker 2: Well, the consequence of you not cleaning your room is

499
00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:15,399
Speaker 2: that I am going to take that phone away from

500
00:28:15,480 --> 00:28:18,560
Speaker 2: you or I'm going that's well, so with just semantics here,

501
00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:20,520
Speaker 2: I was.

502
00:28:20,480 --> 00:28:23,359
Speaker 1: Grounded for most of my high school years for doing

503
00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:25,240
Speaker 1: things that my parents deemed.

504
00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:28,200
Speaker 2: That's punishment, right, consequences.

505
00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:29,240
Speaker 3: Anything from being grounded.

506
00:28:29,320 --> 00:28:31,719
Speaker 1: No, she didn't, I just steaked out when they went

507
00:28:31,760 --> 00:28:33,040
Speaker 1: to I did.

508
00:28:33,880 --> 00:28:39,640
Speaker 3: So, I just I I I've been in your shoes,

509
00:28:39,680 --> 00:28:42,480
Speaker 3: trust me when I'm like And a lot of parents say, well,

510
00:28:42,480 --> 00:28:44,360
Speaker 3: I can't just let them get away with that. They

511
00:28:44,360 --> 00:28:46,520
Speaker 3: can't just get away with that. I can't reward them

512
00:28:47,000 --> 00:28:49,320
Speaker 3: and let them eat after that or get a cookie

513
00:28:49,320 --> 00:28:54,560
Speaker 3: after that. But it's it's really, it's really first understanding.

514
00:28:55,240 --> 00:29:02,280
Speaker 3: Punishment is withdrawing your love. It's say you're unacceptable right now.

515
00:29:02,800 --> 00:29:07,000
Speaker 3: It's saying you need to suffer because you made a

516
00:29:07,040 --> 00:29:19,080
Speaker 3: mistake or this didn't happen. Like, let the room get messy,

517
00:29:21,040 --> 00:29:22,840
Speaker 3: you know, let them sit in a messy room and

518
00:29:22,880 --> 00:29:26,640
Speaker 3: see how it feels. Let them fail and explain to

519
00:29:26,680 --> 00:29:30,280
Speaker 3: the teacher why they messed up. Let them, you know,

520
00:29:30,640 --> 00:29:32,400
Speaker 3: let them. Let life be the teacher.

521
00:29:32,560 --> 00:29:34,480
Speaker 1: So don't go back and clean up their room. Don't

522
00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:35,959
Speaker 1: go back to the teacher and say, hey, can they

523
00:29:35,960 --> 00:29:38,040
Speaker 1: get extra credit, which is what a lot of us do.

524
00:29:38,840 --> 00:29:40,960
Speaker 1: You know, you complain, you might punish, but then you'll

525
00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:42,880
Speaker 1: fix it for them. Yes, So it's one of those

526
00:29:42,880 --> 00:29:45,200
Speaker 1: things I do like to say this, Let life be

527
00:29:45,760 --> 00:29:48,600
Speaker 1: let the reality be the consequence. So let them fail,

528
00:29:48,920 --> 00:29:51,160
Speaker 1: let them miss class, if they don't wake them up,

529
00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:53,000
Speaker 1: if they didn't set their alarm. If you have certain

530
00:29:53,080 --> 00:29:55,320
Speaker 1: rules and they break them, then you can't fix.

531
00:29:55,800 --> 00:29:59,400
Speaker 3: Yes, and we don't want to just you know, put

532
00:29:59,400 --> 00:30:02,080
Speaker 3: out the fire. We want to prevent the fires from happening.

533
00:30:02,120 --> 00:30:04,760
Speaker 3: And that comes back to the relationship. If you're showing

534
00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:09,200
Speaker 3: your child respect, you're showing your child respect because we

535
00:30:09,320 --> 00:30:11,720
Speaker 3: just demand it from our children. They need it too.

536
00:30:12,040 --> 00:30:16,000
Speaker 3: If you listen to your child, listen to them the

537
00:30:16,040 --> 00:30:19,080
Speaker 3: way you expect to be listened to, they will listen back.

538
00:30:19,440 --> 00:30:25,560
Speaker 3: If you have a positive, healthy, nurturing fun like we

539
00:30:25,640 --> 00:30:28,280
Speaker 3: forget to be playful and fun with our kids because

540
00:30:28,280 --> 00:30:31,680
Speaker 3: we're so serious. And you know, in the role. Then

541
00:30:32,200 --> 00:30:36,400
Speaker 3: that's their motivation to cooperate, that's their motivation to stay

542
00:30:36,400 --> 00:30:40,120
Speaker 3: in line, that's their motivation to kind of please you,

543
00:30:40,120 --> 00:30:41,960
Speaker 3: you know what I mean, because you guys are on

544
00:30:42,000 --> 00:30:44,680
Speaker 3: good terms. If you're on good terms with someone, you

545
00:30:44,680 --> 00:30:46,360
Speaker 3: don't want to mess it up. They don't want to

546
00:30:46,400 --> 00:30:46,959
Speaker 3: mess it up.

547
00:30:47,280 --> 00:30:49,960
Speaker 1: That's wild, Like just to think about it from that perspective,

548
00:30:50,120 --> 00:30:52,120
Speaker 1: And I'm in my mind, like I get it when

549
00:30:52,120 --> 00:30:54,280
Speaker 1: they're older, but I'm trying to think about a one

550
00:30:54,360 --> 00:30:57,160
Speaker 1: year old a two year old, like how do you

551
00:30:58,280 --> 00:31:00,880
Speaker 1: how do you even prevent them? A lot of times

552
00:31:00,920 --> 00:31:03,360
Speaker 1: like I think, you know, I know I was. I

553
00:31:03,400 --> 00:31:05,160
Speaker 1: think most of us at a certain age were spanked.

554
00:31:05,200 --> 00:31:07,480
Speaker 1: But like if you are about to run across the road,

555
00:31:07,640 --> 00:31:09,880
Speaker 1: or I got lost in a store because I wasn't

556
00:31:09,880 --> 00:31:13,200
Speaker 1: staying with my parents. If you get spanked, she ran away,

557
00:31:15,440 --> 00:31:17,760
Speaker 1: my parents would say, hey, I have to do something

558
00:31:18,480 --> 00:31:21,720
Speaker 1: to to make my child understand if they do this,

559
00:31:21,800 --> 00:31:24,880
Speaker 1: it's dangerous. So that's perhaps why a lot of parents

560
00:31:24,960 --> 00:31:27,560
Speaker 1: justify punishment, like for a safety.

561
00:31:27,320 --> 00:31:28,239
Speaker 2: Let it get hit by the car.

562
00:31:29,920 --> 00:31:30,440
Speaker 1: That's obvious.

563
00:31:30,640 --> 00:31:33,520
Speaker 2: It's clearly what m just said. Let the kid get hit.

564
00:31:35,000 --> 00:31:39,120
Speaker 3: No, you know, but but do you do they need

565
00:31:39,160 --> 00:31:40,480
Speaker 3: to be hit for doing that?

566
00:31:40,840 --> 00:31:40,880
Speaker 1: No?

567
00:31:41,520 --> 00:31:43,640
Speaker 3: Right, I got lost in an amusement park when I

568
00:31:43,720 --> 00:31:45,520
Speaker 3: was small, and I got, you know, beaten up for

569
00:31:45,600 --> 00:31:48,840
Speaker 3: it from my parents. But did you know that just

570
00:31:49,000 --> 00:31:53,360
Speaker 3: didn't like especially in the heat of the moment. Their

571
00:31:53,400 --> 00:31:56,360
Speaker 3: brains are not working like properly, They're not taking in

572
00:31:56,400 --> 00:32:02,120
Speaker 3: a lesson. So you're just you're just creating fear. Yes,

573
00:32:02,600 --> 00:32:08,680
Speaker 3: And when we create fear, we are creating disconnection. We

574
00:32:08,720 --> 00:32:13,840
Speaker 3: are straining the relationship, and the relationship is our power.

575
00:32:14,000 --> 00:32:16,920
Speaker 3: If you want them to listen, then pay attention to

576
00:32:16,960 --> 00:32:20,480
Speaker 3: the relationship, pay attention to who you are to the child.

577
00:32:20,600 --> 00:32:22,920
Speaker 3: Can they come to you with their issues? Can they

578
00:32:22,960 --> 00:32:25,360
Speaker 3: come to you with their fears? Can they come to

579
00:32:25,400 --> 00:32:29,760
Speaker 3: you with their problems? You know? Or do they fear criticism, judgment,

580
00:32:30,160 --> 00:32:33,520
Speaker 3: getting in trouble, getting a consequence, getting grounded? You know

581
00:32:33,560 --> 00:32:34,040
Speaker 3: what I mean?

582
00:32:34,280 --> 00:32:35,640
Speaker 1: I do? You know?

583
00:32:36,000 --> 00:32:39,760
Speaker 3: Yeah? And that we need to protect this relationship at

584
00:32:39,760 --> 00:32:43,800
Speaker 3: all costs because it just matters so much more than

585
00:32:43,840 --> 00:32:44,520
Speaker 3: we realize.

586
00:32:45,040 --> 00:32:49,280
Speaker 1: Wow. Yeah, how like I'm curious because I mentioned it earlier,

587
00:32:49,840 --> 00:32:54,000
Speaker 1: how much of our current mental health as an adult?

588
00:32:54,040 --> 00:32:57,360
Speaker 1: You mee TJ sitting in this room has to do

589
00:32:57,600 --> 00:33:01,479
Speaker 1: with childhood trauma and what can we as adults do

590
00:33:01,640 --> 00:33:04,960
Speaker 1: to acknowledge it because everybody has it. It's not like

591
00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:07,720
Speaker 1: you have good parents and I have bad parents. Everybody

592
00:33:07,720 --> 00:33:10,680
Speaker 1: had parents mostly who were trying to do the right

593
00:33:10,720 --> 00:33:13,720
Speaker 1: thing with the tools they had. But how do you

594
00:33:13,800 --> 00:33:17,600
Speaker 1: address where you are in your life and your mental

595
00:33:17,640 --> 00:33:19,520
Speaker 1: health and how do you kind of come to peace

596
00:33:19,560 --> 00:33:21,600
Speaker 1: with it? And like you had to do that, you

597
00:33:21,640 --> 00:33:23,520
Speaker 1: said before you were able to become the parent you

598
00:33:23,520 --> 00:33:30,120
Speaker 1: are now, how did you address it?

599
00:33:30,120 --> 00:33:33,200
Speaker 3: It's almost like a journey, but and it's a little

600
00:33:33,280 --> 00:33:37,760
Speaker 3: treacherous and difficult to actually face the truth. Like this

601
00:33:37,800 --> 00:33:39,720
Speaker 3: is what we have to do. We have to face

602
00:33:39,760 --> 00:33:43,080
Speaker 3: the truth of what really happened to us. And because

603
00:33:43,120 --> 00:33:49,880
Speaker 3: we pedestalize our parents, we kind of put it aside

604
00:33:50,120 --> 00:33:53,840
Speaker 3: and think everything was fine. I'm good, I turned out fine.

605
00:33:54,520 --> 00:33:56,840
Speaker 3: Even though there's this I'm good they were good, they

606
00:33:56,840 --> 00:33:59,240
Speaker 3: tried their best. And this is not to blame parents

607
00:33:59,720 --> 00:34:02,480
Speaker 3: because they had their own story. Yes, you know, this

608
00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:06,120
Speaker 3: is a cycle we're trying to break, but it's again

609
00:34:06,440 --> 00:34:12,720
Speaker 3: just you know, putting the focus on you. Stop stop

610
00:34:12,960 --> 00:34:18,840
Speaker 3: you know, dissecting your child and start dissecting yourself and

611
00:34:19,239 --> 00:34:22,320
Speaker 3: really just go deep and have that compassion and begin

612
00:34:22,520 --> 00:34:24,880
Speaker 3: to be so self aware that all you do is

613
00:34:24,880 --> 00:34:28,760
Speaker 3: focus on you, and then your child will just transform

614
00:34:28,920 --> 00:34:33,200
Speaker 3: and get come closer to you and feel because you

615
00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:37,600
Speaker 3: are changing, and the climate in your home will change

616
00:34:37,920 --> 00:34:43,840
Speaker 3: because you are. You are now seeing your truth, but

617
00:34:43,960 --> 00:34:46,520
Speaker 3: then seeing your child's truth as well.

618
00:34:46,960 --> 00:34:49,440
Speaker 1: And I have to say, TJ, are you. We've been

619
00:34:49,480 --> 00:34:53,279
Speaker 1: smiling back and forth because I have had the and

620
00:34:53,320 --> 00:34:56,080
Speaker 1: I will say the privilege of watching TJ parent, and

621
00:34:56,200 --> 00:34:58,840
Speaker 1: I have been in awe of his like I feel

622
00:34:58,840 --> 00:35:01,439
Speaker 1: like everything you just said is exactly what he did

623
00:35:01,640 --> 00:35:06,640
Speaker 1: I And I am curious how you came to know

624
00:35:06,680 --> 00:35:09,640
Speaker 1: how to do it because you have lovely parents. But

625
00:35:09,719 --> 00:35:12,480
Speaker 1: your childhood was very similar to a lot of bars

626
00:35:12,520 --> 00:35:15,480
Speaker 1: of a certain age where that our parents were strict

627
00:35:15,800 --> 00:35:19,920
Speaker 1: and punishment based and consequence based. And how did you

628
00:35:20,280 --> 00:35:21,120
Speaker 1: become the parent you are?

629
00:35:21,320 --> 00:35:24,080
Speaker 2: No, That's why I think we asked Only before we

630
00:35:24,120 --> 00:35:27,520
Speaker 2: even started, I was asking people just natural born parents.

631
00:35:27,520 --> 00:35:30,160
Speaker 2: I mean I didn't take any courses or study or

632
00:35:30,160 --> 00:35:32,680
Speaker 2: anything else or even ask my own parents for help. Again,

633
00:35:32,760 --> 00:35:35,280
Speaker 2: you have pointed a lot of things out in watching

634
00:35:35,640 --> 00:35:38,240
Speaker 2: me and Sabine with my daughter's twelve year old Sabine.

635
00:35:38,920 --> 00:35:42,880
Speaker 2: She was describing about punishment. I have never once in

636
00:35:42,920 --> 00:35:45,520
Speaker 2: her twelve years, had to punish this job. And that's that.

637
00:35:45,640 --> 00:35:48,600
Speaker 1: She never once had a temper tantrum, not once.

638
00:35:48,600 --> 00:35:51,640
Speaker 2: Once in life have I seen this child have Now,

639
00:35:51,640 --> 00:35:53,760
Speaker 2: how did that happen? Did I get a lucky child

640
00:35:53,880 --> 00:35:55,800
Speaker 2: with her temperament? Did she just watched? I'm kind of

641
00:35:55,880 --> 00:35:58,160
Speaker 2: chill myself. I don't know how that happened, That's what

642
00:35:58,200 --> 00:36:03,719
Speaker 2: I was asking our Some people just natural born parents necessarily.

643
00:36:04,080 --> 00:36:08,719
Speaker 2: I guess what contributes to me maybe being lucky or

644
00:36:09,080 --> 00:36:11,240
Speaker 2: I would never say good. I don't know how it happened.

645
00:36:11,239 --> 00:36:14,359
Speaker 2: And you mentioned relationship. This is my best friend, and

646
00:36:14,719 --> 00:36:16,560
Speaker 2: you talk about fun. We just came from the Kendrick

647
00:36:16,600 --> 00:36:19,640
Speaker 2: Lamar concert this week. She was up all night. We

648
00:36:19,719 --> 00:36:21,600
Speaker 2: partied and did our thing, and right, that's the kind

649
00:36:21,640 --> 00:36:25,000
Speaker 2: of stuff we always do together, so we do all

650
00:36:25,080 --> 00:36:25,840
Speaker 2: those things.

651
00:36:26,000 --> 00:36:28,439
Speaker 1: Fun is a big part of your real and.

652
00:36:28,440 --> 00:36:30,520
Speaker 2: Respect is a big part. And this is a twelve

653
00:36:30,600 --> 00:36:33,200
Speaker 2: year old girl. Thank god her friends don't listen to

654
00:36:33,280 --> 00:36:36,960
Speaker 2: this podcast, because if they knew the stuff. She comes

655
00:36:37,080 --> 00:36:41,160
Speaker 2: back and tells me about her friends and.

656
00:36:41,120 --> 00:36:44,240
Speaker 1: Even when she's involved and it might not look good

657
00:36:44,280 --> 00:36:46,560
Speaker 1: that she was there, she'll still tell you she was,

658
00:36:46,880 --> 00:36:49,160
Speaker 1: which I've said to you because obviously I'm past that

659
00:36:49,320 --> 00:36:51,640
Speaker 1: age now, Like my girls are older and they tell

660
00:36:51,680 --> 00:36:53,680
Speaker 1: me too much. I loved about it, but they do.

661
00:36:53,800 --> 00:36:55,680
Speaker 1: I do appreciate the fact that they do tell me,

662
00:36:56,080 --> 00:36:58,040
Speaker 1: I think almost everything, to the point where I'm like,

663
00:36:58,320 --> 00:37:00,759
Speaker 1: you don't have to tell me everything. I don't need

664
00:37:00,800 --> 00:37:04,640
Speaker 1: to know everything. But at twelve, I'm amazed at what

665
00:37:04,680 --> 00:37:07,200
Speaker 1: she admits to and tells you and is honest about

666
00:37:07,400 --> 00:37:09,560
Speaker 1: and it's just it's remarkable.

667
00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:12,239
Speaker 2: So yeah, Ray, do you sometimes just get lucky? So

668
00:37:12,320 --> 00:37:15,000
Speaker 2: some people just naturally have an instinct for it? Or

669
00:37:15,600 --> 00:37:16,440
Speaker 2: how do you explain?

670
00:37:16,640 --> 00:37:19,600
Speaker 3: Well, I think we all have the instinct deep down,

671
00:37:19,920 --> 00:37:23,719
Speaker 3: and then the more traumatized ones of us are limited

672
00:37:23,960 --> 00:37:27,799
Speaker 3: because of our trauma. I don't know how your childhood was,

673
00:37:28,320 --> 00:37:28,560
Speaker 3: you know.

674
00:37:28,520 --> 00:37:32,440
Speaker 2: What, this is interesting as well? I didn't all I've

675
00:37:32,480 --> 00:37:34,560
Speaker 2: gone through the past couple of years and what's happened,

676
00:37:34,640 --> 00:37:37,920
Speaker 2: and I couldn't imagine that I would be a better

677
00:37:38,000 --> 00:37:40,319
Speaker 2: parent and be better for my child once I was

678
00:37:40,400 --> 00:37:45,000
Speaker 2: no longer married to her mother. That sounds counterintuitive, like,

679
00:37:45,040 --> 00:37:47,719
Speaker 2: I'm supposed to be nurturing that home, and that's where

680
00:37:47,760 --> 00:37:51,839
Speaker 2: the child is going to be best. And it's our

681
00:37:51,880 --> 00:37:56,160
Speaker 2: relationship now is exponentially better. Not that it was bad,

682
00:37:56,200 --> 00:37:58,360
Speaker 2: but it's just I never imagined that something like that

683
00:37:58,440 --> 00:37:58,920
Speaker 2: was possible.

684
00:37:59,040 --> 00:38:02,200
Speaker 1: That's amazing because when you're I think to your like

685
00:38:02,400 --> 00:38:05,080
Speaker 1: kind of to what Reem is saying, if you are

686
00:38:05,719 --> 00:38:09,000
Speaker 1: whole and you've worked on you, if you find yourself

687
00:38:09,040 --> 00:38:11,560
Speaker 1: to personally be happier, you're just gonna be a better

688
00:38:12,480 --> 00:38:14,080
Speaker 1: absolutely case some point.

689
00:38:14,160 --> 00:38:14,719
Speaker 3: Absolutely.

690
00:38:15,920 --> 00:38:18,600
Speaker 1: And so in that sense, I think sometimes parents, I

691
00:38:18,600 --> 00:38:22,320
Speaker 1: would imagine, feel selfish taking care of themselves and working

692
00:38:22,360 --> 00:38:24,400
Speaker 1: on their own because they think they have to give everything.

693
00:38:24,520 --> 00:38:26,480
Speaker 1: Maybe even moms might be more guilty of this. I

694
00:38:26,760 --> 00:38:29,680
Speaker 1: hate to stereotype, but give give, give, give, and then

695
00:38:29,719 --> 00:38:32,120
Speaker 1: you almost feel like you're owed, and then you're angry

696
00:38:32,480 --> 00:38:35,160
Speaker 1: when they talk back to you, will roll their eyes

697
00:38:35,200 --> 00:38:40,160
Speaker 1: at you, and I think I have said that, and

698
00:38:40,840 --> 00:38:43,000
Speaker 1: you almost feel like you're owed something because you've given

699
00:38:43,040 --> 00:38:45,120
Speaker 1: so much. But actually the best gift you could give

700
00:38:45,160 --> 00:38:48,880
Speaker 1: your kids would be to work on yourself first. Yes, yeah,

701
00:38:48,960 --> 00:38:50,160
Speaker 1: but we don't think about it like that.

702
00:38:51,160 --> 00:38:54,840
Speaker 3: And if no guilt in all this is what your

703
00:38:54,880 --> 00:38:58,279
Speaker 3: your child. If they could tell you, they would say,

704
00:38:58,600 --> 00:39:01,600
Speaker 3: grow up and fix your self and stop burdening me

705
00:39:01,760 --> 00:39:04,680
Speaker 3: with what's burdening you, and let me be free and

706
00:39:04,840 --> 00:39:06,839
Speaker 3: liberate me from your will. Wow.

707
00:39:08,040 --> 00:39:10,360
Speaker 1: Wow, that's crazy going.

708
00:39:10,200 --> 00:39:12,040
Speaker 2: On social media. Where do you want to go with

709
00:39:12,120 --> 00:39:12,840
Speaker 2: social media?

710
00:39:12,920 --> 00:39:17,320
Speaker 1: Oh gosh, there's you know, and as a parent in

711
00:39:17,440 --> 00:39:20,560
Speaker 1: terms of guiding and being there, there are so many

712
00:39:20,719 --> 00:39:23,480
Speaker 1: outside distractions now, more than ever before. And I know

713
00:39:23,480 --> 00:39:25,400
Speaker 1: people will say, oh, it's so much harder now, but

714
00:39:25,440 --> 00:39:28,520
Speaker 1: it actually is so much harder now with social media

715
00:39:28,560 --> 00:39:31,280
Speaker 1: and these phones and the electronics, and they have access

716
00:39:31,320 --> 00:39:36,920
Speaker 1: to everything and influenced by everyone. How do you handle

717
00:39:36,960 --> 00:39:39,600
Speaker 1: What do you tell parents, especially someone like TJ who's

718
00:39:39,600 --> 00:39:41,480
Speaker 1: got a twelve year old who's about to be able

719
00:39:41,520 --> 00:39:44,920
Speaker 1: to be on all of these accounts and have her

720
00:39:45,080 --> 00:39:47,879
Speaker 1: kind of free reign of exploring. Where do you draw

721
00:39:47,920 --> 00:39:49,200
Speaker 1: the line? Where are the boundaries?

722
00:39:49,320 --> 00:39:52,880
Speaker 3: Yeah, well, I believe it's so hard. This is actually

723
00:39:53,560 --> 00:39:57,400
Speaker 3: the second numbers to a parents complaint is, you know,

724
00:39:57,560 --> 00:40:01,319
Speaker 3: screens and social media and phones and TikTok and all

725
00:40:01,320 --> 00:40:07,000
Speaker 3: that stuff. So I'm very strict with a couple of things,

726
00:40:07,080 --> 00:40:12,520
Speaker 3: with health and toxic things like screens and social media.

727
00:40:12,640 --> 00:40:15,920
Speaker 3: So I believe this is a place to have strong boundaries,

728
00:40:16,160 --> 00:40:19,359
Speaker 3: and this is a place to have non negotiable and

729
00:40:19,440 --> 00:40:24,600
Speaker 3: a strong no and to set limits. Don't give your

730
00:40:24,719 --> 00:40:27,799
Speaker 3: child anything near it as long as you can go,

731
00:40:27,920 --> 00:40:30,960
Speaker 3: because it's a drug and it's addictive and it's lethal

732
00:40:31,200 --> 00:40:34,600
Speaker 3: and they shouldn't have it. So I don't agree with

733
00:40:34,640 --> 00:40:37,880
Speaker 3: giving a young child a phone or even an iPad.

734
00:40:37,960 --> 00:40:49,040
Speaker 3: They don't need it. Let a child go to a

735
00:40:49,040 --> 00:40:54,359
Speaker 3: restaurant and look around and talk and live. You know,

736
00:40:54,480 --> 00:40:58,080
Speaker 3: we're just slap them with a screen and because we

737
00:40:58,160 --> 00:41:00,520
Speaker 3: can't handle their behavior in a restaurant, and it's like,

738
00:41:01,239 --> 00:41:02,879
Speaker 3: can you let your child live?

739
00:41:03,320 --> 00:41:05,640
Speaker 2: To your point, that's the parent, that's not the kid.

740
00:41:07,000 --> 00:41:10,200
Speaker 3: The parent, Yes, don't give it to them, you know.

741
00:41:10,640 --> 00:41:12,320
Speaker 1: And then be upset when you take it away and

742
00:41:12,360 --> 00:41:14,640
Speaker 1: they grow a temper tantrum, which we've seen plenty of

743
00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:15,680
Speaker 1: times in restaurants.

744
00:41:16,120 --> 00:41:19,239
Speaker 3: Yes, they're so addictive, they're made to be addictive. And

745
00:41:19,280 --> 00:41:22,520
Speaker 3: the video games is a whole nother ballgame, and it's

746
00:41:22,560 --> 00:41:27,239
Speaker 3: causing so much, you know, damage to children. But so

747
00:41:27,320 --> 00:41:30,279
Speaker 3: the parent needs to have strong boundaries when it comes

748
00:41:30,280 --> 00:41:34,040
Speaker 3: to that and rules. But if the child is already exposed,

749
00:41:34,680 --> 00:41:39,880
Speaker 3: you don't want to be you and this screen. You

750
00:41:40,320 --> 00:41:44,240
Speaker 3: become an enemy of the screen because then it becomes

751
00:41:44,280 --> 00:41:47,719
Speaker 3: the forbidden fruits and all this, you know. So it's

752
00:41:47,920 --> 00:41:51,440
Speaker 3: very touchy. And plus we're on our phones, right, we're

753
00:41:51,520 --> 00:41:54,680
Speaker 3: doing the same thing. So finding a balance like okay,

754
00:41:54,680 --> 00:41:57,279
Speaker 3: you know what, at seven o'clock all of us put

755
00:41:57,280 --> 00:42:01,839
Speaker 3: our phones away, or you know, have something that's not

756
00:42:02,320 --> 00:42:05,240
Speaker 3: a rule, but you know, are a lifestyle of your home,

757
00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:07,799
Speaker 3: like the conditions of our home. This is how we

758
00:42:07,880 --> 00:42:11,720
Speaker 3: do things. We don't watch TV until midnight, we don't

759
00:42:11,880 --> 00:42:15,560
Speaker 3: turn it on in the morning. We eat breakfast together instead,

760
00:42:16,040 --> 00:42:21,440
Speaker 3: you know. But also the people kids are addicted because

761
00:42:21,480 --> 00:42:25,600
Speaker 3: they're getting soothed by social media. They feel important on

762
00:42:25,640 --> 00:42:28,000
Speaker 3: social media, they feel.

763
00:42:29,120 --> 00:42:30,080
Speaker 1: See see.

764
00:42:30,360 --> 00:42:33,040
Speaker 3: Yes, that's the word I was looking for. So we

765
00:42:33,080 --> 00:42:37,279
Speaker 3: as parents have to give our children that dopamine hit right,

766
00:42:38,040 --> 00:42:41,880
Speaker 3: stronger than the screens and social media. We have to

767
00:42:41,920 --> 00:42:45,520
Speaker 3: give them what they are seeking, so that so.

768
00:42:45,480 --> 00:42:47,040
Speaker 1: That everyone just wants to belong.

769
00:42:47,320 --> 00:42:51,879
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, you know, when my son watches you know,

770
00:42:52,160 --> 00:42:54,279
Speaker 3: soccer on TV, but if I say do you want

771
00:42:54,320 --> 00:42:56,600
Speaker 3: to play? He'll drop the TV. And want to be

772
00:42:56,719 --> 00:42:58,560
Speaker 3: with me. They want to be with us more. They

773
00:42:58,600 --> 00:43:01,279
Speaker 3: want to connect more. Maybe not the teenagers, but you

774
00:43:01,320 --> 00:43:05,080
Speaker 3: know what I mean. But if they had the choice,

775
00:43:05,280 --> 00:43:08,319
Speaker 3: they always want to connect. And it's and they're so

776
00:43:08,360 --> 00:43:10,719
Speaker 3: addicted because they are so disconnected.

777
00:43:12,320 --> 00:43:14,800
Speaker 1: Wow, that's crazy.

778
00:43:15,239 --> 00:43:18,640
Speaker 2: No, just thinking about sabine in the bedroom by yourself

779
00:43:18,680 --> 00:43:22,400
Speaker 2: on the phone until midnight on weekends, just doing nothing

780
00:43:22,880 --> 00:43:25,800
Speaker 2: on the phone. That's let's talk to police.

781
00:43:25,920 --> 00:43:26,799
Speaker 1: And that's brand new.

782
00:43:27,160 --> 00:43:28,920
Speaker 2: That is new in the past year. That is new.

783
00:43:29,000 --> 00:43:30,480
Speaker 2: That is new. So we're going to struggle with that.

784
00:43:31,560 --> 00:43:36,160
Speaker 1: But I think this has all been to me. The

785
00:43:36,239 --> 00:43:39,839
Speaker 1: reason why I think I felt so impacted by your

786
00:43:39,840 --> 00:43:42,319
Speaker 1: social media account and what you're saying is because it's

787
00:43:42,360 --> 00:43:44,560
Speaker 1: true and you know it. When you when you hear

788
00:43:44,640 --> 00:43:48,440
Speaker 1: something and you know it's true, it resonates. It doesn't

789
00:43:48,480 --> 00:43:51,160
Speaker 1: even need an explanation. It's like, of course that's true.

790
00:43:51,360 --> 00:43:55,200
Speaker 1: Of course that makes sense, of course, But it's funny

791
00:43:55,200 --> 00:44:00,200
Speaker 1: that all this time you just go by what you learn,

792
00:44:00,360 --> 00:44:03,440
Speaker 1: what you know, and it's not necessarily what's right. So

793
00:44:03,520 --> 00:44:06,480
Speaker 1: I love your message. I love what you're saying. It

794
00:44:06,520 --> 00:44:09,320
Speaker 1: is kind of the opposite of the way I started

795
00:44:09,360 --> 00:44:11,600
Speaker 1: out parenting, but it's hope, hopefully, how I can at

796
00:44:11,680 --> 00:44:15,520
Speaker 1: least start implementing and ending.

797
00:44:16,160 --> 00:44:19,080
Speaker 2: You did a good job, like your kids turn out.

798
00:44:19,000 --> 00:44:25,520
Speaker 1: Okay, which one who knows, we'll see, but I appreciate it.

799
00:44:25,520 --> 00:44:29,080
Speaker 1: So So if you could give parents one starting point,

800
00:44:29,160 --> 00:44:31,600
Speaker 1: if they're listening to this and they're thinking, oh my god,

801
00:44:31,680 --> 00:44:34,600
Speaker 1: I've been doing it all wrong, what's the first thing

802
00:44:34,640 --> 00:44:37,440
Speaker 1: you can do right now, as soon as you stop

803
00:44:37,480 --> 00:44:41,240
Speaker 1: listening to this podcast, what can you do to start

804
00:44:41,480 --> 00:44:42,560
Speaker 1: going down a different path?

805
00:44:43,440 --> 00:44:46,839
Speaker 3: I would bring it to the child and just be

806
00:44:47,600 --> 00:44:51,240
Speaker 3: Just look at your child in a different light, see

807
00:44:51,239 --> 00:44:57,040
Speaker 3: them as they really are. They are maybe struggling, just

808
00:44:57,080 --> 00:45:05,480
Speaker 3: trying to survive our environment, and they're desperate for connection.

809
00:45:05,680 --> 00:45:10,720
Speaker 3: They are desperate for us to be in their time

810
00:45:10,840 --> 00:45:14,600
Speaker 3: zone of the present moment, to put our phones down,

811
00:45:14,760 --> 00:45:17,479
Speaker 3: to stop being distracted, to see them as they are,

812
00:45:17,560 --> 00:45:22,919
Speaker 3: to accept them radically, to listen to them, to respect them,

813
00:45:23,200 --> 00:45:30,560
Speaker 3: to be with them raw, no agenda, just be with them.

814
00:45:31,800 --> 00:45:34,520
Speaker 1: How soon will you see a change if you do.

815
00:45:34,440 --> 00:45:39,080
Speaker 3: That, honestly, now, right away? Because so many children are

816
00:45:39,200 --> 00:45:45,640
Speaker 3: just desperate and so disconnected and not feeling seen at all.

817
00:45:46,680 --> 00:45:51,680
Speaker 3: And just if you one night, do something different. Don't

818
00:45:51,719 --> 00:45:55,240
Speaker 3: rush your child, sit with them on the floor, do nothing,

819
00:45:55,360 --> 00:46:00,919
Speaker 3: hold them, be with them and let them feel feel you.

820
00:46:02,000 --> 00:46:03,640
Speaker 1: And let me ask you this, No matter how old

821
00:46:03,680 --> 00:46:06,920
Speaker 1: your children are, even if they're forty and you're seventy,

822
00:46:07,080 --> 00:46:08,359
Speaker 1: is it ever too late? No.

823
00:46:08,600 --> 00:46:11,640
Speaker 3: I worked with a couple that had her thirty seven

824
00:46:11,719 --> 00:46:16,720
Speaker 3: year old son and we work together and they reconnected,

825
00:46:16,840 --> 00:46:20,360
Speaker 3: and you know, it helped a lot. And he was

826
00:46:21,080 --> 00:46:27,920
Speaker 3: clearly just so needy of their their attention that he

827
00:46:28,040 --> 00:46:28,920
Speaker 3: wasn't getting.

828
00:46:29,440 --> 00:46:33,640
Speaker 1: At thirty seven. At thirty seven, Well, I just want

829
00:46:33,680 --> 00:46:36,840
Speaker 1: to say thank you and let everybody know. Tell everybody

830
00:46:36,840 --> 00:46:39,680
Speaker 1: where they can find you, where they can read about

831
00:46:39,719 --> 00:46:41,960
Speaker 1: I know you've got you're an author, and you've got workshops,

832
00:46:41,960 --> 00:46:44,680
Speaker 1: and you've got your social media. So let everyone is like,

833
00:46:44,760 --> 00:46:47,040
Speaker 1: I need to know more about this. Where can they

834
00:46:47,080 --> 00:46:47,480
Speaker 1: find you?

835
00:46:47,600 --> 00:46:51,719
Speaker 3: Sure? So? I I love parenting on Instagram and I

836
00:46:51,840 --> 00:46:55,359
Speaker 3: just came out with the Healing Journal for Parents. It's

837
00:46:55,360 --> 00:47:01,400
Speaker 3: an eight week process to you know, reconnect with your

838
00:47:01,600 --> 00:47:04,360
Speaker 3: younger self, figure out what your wounds are, your triggers,

839
00:47:04,400 --> 00:47:07,319
Speaker 3: your patterns, heal you so that you can show up

840
00:47:07,840 --> 00:47:11,120
Speaker 3: as the parent your children needs you to be. It's

841
00:47:11,360 --> 00:47:15,120
Speaker 3: very you know. As much as this is to protect

842
00:47:15,280 --> 00:47:18,399
Speaker 3: children's mental health, which is in a crisis right now,

843
00:47:18,840 --> 00:47:23,600
Speaker 3: this is to liberate the parent, to liberate you from yourself,

844
00:47:24,360 --> 00:47:27,880
Speaker 3: from your ego that is hijacking you and running the show.

845
00:47:28,320 --> 00:47:30,400
Speaker 3: You know, your wounds are in the driver's seat and

846
00:47:30,440 --> 00:47:32,720
Speaker 3: we're just in the passenger seat, like for the ride.

847
00:47:33,160 --> 00:47:36,680
Speaker 3: It's time to get that person out, let the real

848
00:47:36,800 --> 00:47:40,799
Speaker 3: you underneath all of those wounds emerge, and then you

849
00:47:40,840 --> 00:47:41,960
Speaker 3: can show up for your child.

850
00:47:42,880 --> 00:47:45,760
Speaker 2: The first question you suppose to answer as a parent,

851
00:47:46,280 --> 00:47:49,520
Speaker 2: what moments from childhood still make your body tense up

852
00:47:49,680 --> 00:47:53,719
Speaker 2: or feel small. It's gonna be a tough journey for me.

853
00:48:00,239 --> 00:48:02,600
Speaker 1: Reed, thank you so much for being with us. We

854
00:48:02,640 --> 00:48:04,880
Speaker 1: appreciate it. What a pleasure. We hope has helped so

855
00:48:04,960 --> 00:48:07,480
Speaker 1: many people who are listening it. Certainly I can definitely

856
00:48:07,480 --> 00:48:10,000
Speaker 1: attest personally this is going to help you and hopefully

857
00:48:10,080 --> 00:48:12,200
Speaker 1: than my two daughters. Thank you, Thank you for