1 00:00:00,640 --> 00:00:03,360 Speaker 1: This podcast has content that may not be appropriate for 2 00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:07,600 Speaker 1: all audiences. You'll hear about some difficult subjects like drug abuse, 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:14,680 Speaker 1: domestic violence, suicidal thoughts, and sexual assault. Listener discretion is advised. 4 00:00:16,120 --> 00:00:23,759 Speaker 1: Episode three, Young Love. Growing up, I was obsessed with 5 00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:26,480 Speaker 1: the Brady Bunch. I used to dream about waking up 6 00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:29,440 Speaker 1: in their beautiful wood panel home with the high ceilings, 7 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:33,720 Speaker 1: and I imagine sliding down those iconic stairs. I pictured 8 00:00:33,760 --> 00:00:36,120 Speaker 1: fighting with my saiblings over kids stuff, where the worst 9 00:00:36,159 --> 00:00:39,880 Speaker 1: crimes were name calling and hair pulling. Most of all, 10 00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:43,519 Speaker 1: I imagine coming home to Carol Brady, the perfect mom, 11 00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:45,319 Speaker 1: always ready to greet her kids when they got home 12 00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:49,959 Speaker 1: with a snack and a smile. That daydream helped fill 13 00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:52,600 Speaker 1: the void of loneliness I felt as a kid, because 14 00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:57,080 Speaker 1: my life was often a nightmare. My dad wasn't ever 15 00:00:57,120 --> 00:00:59,720 Speaker 1: really in the picture, and my mom, while we've talked 16 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:02,600 Speaker 1: about it, she's about as far from Carol Brady as 17 00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:04,800 Speaker 1: you can get. So it's weird to have my mom 18 00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:06,440 Speaker 1: tell me that, for a little bit she and my 19 00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:09,319 Speaker 1: dad were really in love. They sort of did make 20 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:12,520 Speaker 1: it work. For a brief moment, they did have the 21 00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:16,600 Speaker 1: little Brady Bunch thing going on in their own way, 22 00:01:16,680 --> 00:01:18,520 Speaker 1: but my mom had a void of her own to fill, 23 00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:21,400 Speaker 1: and that Brady Bunch thing didn't feel it for long. 24 00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:27,039 Speaker 1: This episode, I want to know what happened, How did 25 00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:30,240 Speaker 1: my parents fall apart, and how did that lead her 26 00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:33,680 Speaker 1: to the life I most remember her, living life with addiction. 27 00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:38,119 Speaker 1: I want to hear her story, her version of events, 28 00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:40,520 Speaker 1: so I can understand how we stray so far from 29 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:44,080 Speaker 1: the place we started. My story is not all bad, 30 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:47,199 Speaker 1: but it's certainly not an episode of the Brady Bunch. 31 00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:52,600 Speaker 1: I'm emmy and this is crumbs. It's to show about 32 00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:55,240 Speaker 1: the things we settle for and the fits of ourselves 33 00:01:55,320 --> 00:02:08,600 Speaker 1: that make us who we are. So, Mom, you had 34 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:11,639 Speaker 1: a pretty lonely childhood and then you met my dad, Meto. 35 00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:15,560 Speaker 1: He's a little bit older, he's a cholo, and you 36 00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:16,720 Speaker 1: were into that at the time. 37 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:19,280 Speaker 2: Yeah, there was something about him. 38 00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:23,680 Speaker 1: I was hooked. Then you get pregnant with me, and 39 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:25,280 Speaker 1: what was your relationship like then? 40 00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:28,440 Speaker 3: The type of relationship that your dad and I had, 41 00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:31,040 Speaker 3: Like while I was pregnant. You have to remember that 42 00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:33,680 Speaker 3: before that we would see each other now and then 43 00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:36,520 Speaker 3: you know, I'd sneak around. But once I was pregnant 44 00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:38,760 Speaker 3: and it was out in the open. We were together 45 00:02:39,040 --> 00:02:42,600 Speaker 3: all the time, and here he had his lowrider and 46 00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:45,920 Speaker 3: you know he was, you know, a gang member, but 47 00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:48,160 Speaker 3: yet he was a family man at the same time. 48 00:02:51,639 --> 00:02:53,800 Speaker 3: And we spent a lot of time at that wing 49 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:58,320 Speaker 3: where you were conceived, going to Chicano Park on the 50 00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:01,600 Speaker 3: weekends with all the friends and at the same time 51 00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:05,080 Speaker 3: going to Gharria Sadas with the family. You know, that 52 00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:09,520 Speaker 3: was a really good time in our life. 53 00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:12,760 Speaker 1: So things were good for a while, and you gave 54 00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:15,840 Speaker 1: birth to me and everyone was so excited. You and 55 00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:19,079 Speaker 1: my dad were lily with his mom Manana, and that's 56 00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:22,760 Speaker 1: where we left off. Did are the good times last? 57 00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:28,920 Speaker 3: After I lived at Urananas for some time, I got 58 00:03:28,919 --> 00:03:32,359 Speaker 3: mad at Aranana for whatever reason that was, you know, 59 00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:35,240 Speaker 3: and I decided that I wanted to go back home, 60 00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:40,120 Speaker 3: which was to Mamilicha's house, and so I told your dad. 61 00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:41,080 Speaker 2: One day were moving out. 62 00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:45,320 Speaker 3: So after living at Mamilicha's house for a few months, 63 00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:46,880 Speaker 3: I realized. 64 00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:47,960 Speaker 2: I didn't want to live there anymore. 65 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:53,720 Speaker 3: Mamilicha was too controlling, Arnana was too nosy, and I 66 00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:56,840 Speaker 3: thought it was time for us to be on our own. 67 00:03:57,240 --> 00:04:00,080 Speaker 3: After all, we were married, we had a baby, we 68 00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:02,440 Speaker 3: had a job, and so why can't we just live 69 00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:05,520 Speaker 3: on our own and build our family. We went to 70 00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:09,840 Speaker 3: this realty and Imperial Beach and we found this cute little. 71 00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:12,120 Speaker 1: House and Mami Lecha I was okay with it. 72 00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:15,360 Speaker 3: Well yeah, because for one she had me close by, 73 00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:19,080 Speaker 3: and two she was so sure that our loveness wouldn't last. 74 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:23,279 Speaker 3: We were two teenagers. I was still fifteen, and yet 75 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:26,920 Speaker 3: here we were trying to be responsible adults. If there 76 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:29,479 Speaker 3: was anything You're none and Mammy Leacha agreed on, it 77 00:04:29,600 --> 00:04:31,599 Speaker 3: was the fact that your dad and I wouldn't last. 78 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:36,920 Speaker 3: They would tell people that we were playing house like little. 79 00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:42,200 Speaker 1: Kids, pretending. So we're in this house, you me and 80 00:04:42,279 --> 00:04:42,719 Speaker 1: my dad. 81 00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:48,919 Speaker 3: Imperial Beach was maybe ten minutes away from both Santa 82 00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:51,760 Speaker 3: Sedro and Del Soul, where Netto and I were from, 83 00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:56,919 Speaker 3: and it was right by the beach. The beach was 84 00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:59,880 Speaker 3: walking distance from Imperial Beach. It was where everybody went 85 00:04:59,880 --> 00:05:03,320 Speaker 3: ou on the weekends, on sunny weekends to serve, for 86 00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:08,320 Speaker 3: skate or just drive around walk your dog. A really 87 00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:14,359 Speaker 3: nice place. Neto worked. He was a welder and he 88 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:17,920 Speaker 3: was going to welding school at night, and so anytime 89 00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:20,520 Speaker 3: that Neto left to school at night, I would invite 90 00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:25,800 Speaker 3: my good friend over her and I would sit there 91 00:05:25,839 --> 00:05:30,280 Speaker 3: and watch TV. We would smoke some weed while the 92 00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:34,320 Speaker 3: baby slept, and just catch up. She would tell me 93 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:40,120 Speaker 3: stories about what was going on in Delso. Her boyfriend 94 00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:43,520 Speaker 3: had just gotten killed a drive by shooting from Sanny 95 00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:46,640 Speaker 3: Sidro came and shot him and he died in her arms. 96 00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:49,440 Speaker 3: And that's the type of life we were living. 97 00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:51,600 Speaker 1: Did you miss that life? 98 00:05:51,839 --> 00:05:53,159 Speaker 2: Of course I loved the drama. 99 00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:56,400 Speaker 3: By this time, I was already getting tired of hanging 100 00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:59,360 Speaker 3: out with adults, so I was sort of living through her. 101 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:06,880 Speaker 3: So I remember this particular night, We're sitting in the 102 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:10,240 Speaker 3: living room. The baby's in the room asleep, and we're 103 00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:13,400 Speaker 3: in the living room getting high, and my friend gets 104 00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:16,200 Speaker 3: up to go to the bathroom, and when she comes 105 00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:18,880 Speaker 3: out of the bathroom, I remember she said, Wow, I'm 106 00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:22,479 Speaker 3: super high. I just saw somebody outside and then there's 107 00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:26,119 Speaker 3: a knock on the door. This guy at the door 108 00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:29,320 Speaker 3: asked Ferneto, and I said, he's not here. 109 00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:30,400 Speaker 2: Who are you? 110 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:35,000 Speaker 3: And he said Joe, And I said, well he's not here, okay, 111 00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:38,960 Speaker 3: So he leaves. Also I was talking on the phone 112 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:43,480 Speaker 3: when they knocked on the door a second time, and 113 00:06:43,560 --> 00:06:48,239 Speaker 3: this time the guy says, it's Joe. And the moment 114 00:06:48,279 --> 00:06:51,680 Speaker 3: I opened the door, I saw this guy wearing a 115 00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:54,120 Speaker 3: hoodie like I could just see the frame of his 116 00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:58,920 Speaker 3: face and I screamed. And when I screamed, the guy 117 00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:02,479 Speaker 3: that was on the phone heard me scream. The guy 118 00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:05,760 Speaker 3: at the door walked in he hit me. When I yelled, 119 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:10,800 Speaker 3: I passed out. When I came to, I was on 120 00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:13,040 Speaker 3: the floor and there was a guy holding a gun 121 00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:16,360 Speaker 3: to my head. My friend was on the couch and 122 00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:19,080 Speaker 3: there was another guy holding a gun to her head, 123 00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:21,160 Speaker 3: and I could see the phone on the floor. 124 00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:22,880 Speaker 1: There was a. 125 00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:27,640 Speaker 3: Third guy walking around, just throwing stuff around, and he 126 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:29,080 Speaker 3: kept asking me where is it? 127 00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:30,000 Speaker 2: Where is it? 128 00:07:30,720 --> 00:07:32,600 Speaker 3: And I would tell him I don't know what you're 129 00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:37,200 Speaker 3: talking about. And so finally this guy started walking towards 130 00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:42,760 Speaker 3: the bedroom. My baby was asleep in the bedroom, and 131 00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:46,120 Speaker 3: somehow I was able to take the gun away from 132 00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:48,680 Speaker 3: the guy that was holding it to my head and 133 00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:51,280 Speaker 3: I went after the guy in the bedroom. I was 134 00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:54,480 Speaker 3: about to make it into the room when the guy 135 00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:57,960 Speaker 3: that I took the gun from pulled me from my 136 00:07:58,040 --> 00:08:00,680 Speaker 3: hair and threw me on the ground. But I was 137 00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:03,200 Speaker 3: already at the door of the bedroom, and I saw 138 00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:06,840 Speaker 3: the other guy holding my baby by his pajamas, and 139 00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:10,000 Speaker 3: he had a gun to the baby's head, and he said, 140 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:13,880 Speaker 3: where is it? And I pointed up towards the attic. 141 00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:17,200 Speaker 3: He grabbed the baby and threw the baby in my 142 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:22,480 Speaker 3: arms like a football, and they destroyed the attic. They 143 00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:31,360 Speaker 3: took what they wanted and left. I just remember when 144 00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:34,640 Speaker 3: they opened the attic, there was weed flying everywhere in 145 00:08:34,720 --> 00:08:38,560 Speaker 3: the closet, on the rug, it was everywhere. I remember 146 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:43,040 Speaker 3: them taking boxes out of there and they left. Mammy 147 00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:45,840 Speaker 3: Leisha had a store these boxes of weed for her. 148 00:08:46,559 --> 00:08:49,719 Speaker 3: I knew what they were talking about, but I mean, 149 00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:51,600 Speaker 3: I'm not just going to give them what they want. 150 00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:51,880 Speaker 2: You know. 151 00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:54,160 Speaker 3: It wasn't until the baby was in danger that I 152 00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:57,640 Speaker 3: said this isn't worth it. I mean, nobody knew. Not 153 00:08:57,720 --> 00:08:59,560 Speaker 3: even my friend that was in the living room knew 154 00:08:59,559 --> 00:08:59,880 Speaker 3: about this. 155 00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:03,840 Speaker 2: No one knew. So how did these guys find out? 156 00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:05,360 Speaker 1: How did they find out? 157 00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:08,560 Speaker 3: Well, it turns out that your dad had been bragging 158 00:09:08,559 --> 00:09:10,280 Speaker 3: about working for Mammy Leicha. 159 00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:15,040 Speaker 1: So Mamicha was involved. It wasn't just like you guys 160 00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:16,800 Speaker 1: playing house and living office salary. 161 00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:21,120 Speaker 3: Well, yeah, Mami Lecha paid for the house. We were 162 00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:21,880 Speaker 3: working for her. 163 00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:26,520 Speaker 1: She was still pulling all the strings. Yeah, how did 164 00:09:26,559 --> 00:09:27,720 Speaker 1: you recover from this incident? 165 00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:33,120 Speaker 3: That night, I decided I'm not staying here anymore, and 166 00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:37,280 Speaker 3: we moved back to Mammilicha's house for a very short time, 167 00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:42,280 Speaker 3: because that's when Neto and I, that's when our marriage ended. 168 00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:44,920 Speaker 1: Way back up. It sounds like the home invasion was 169 00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:47,600 Speaker 1: a big deal for you, like a major turning point 170 00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:47,880 Speaker 1: for you. 171 00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:52,199 Speaker 2: Yeah. 172 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:55,640 Speaker 3: I didn't realize just how bad it was until they 173 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:59,440 Speaker 3: grabbed you, and then I got scared and I was 174 00:09:59,559 --> 00:10:01,439 Speaker 3: really sorry these guys would come back. 175 00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:04,079 Speaker 2: So I was like, I'm out at here. 176 00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:05,520 Speaker 1: Back to Mamilicha's. 177 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:06,600 Speaker 2: Yeah. 178 00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:09,679 Speaker 3: I think I just realized I wasn't ready for all 179 00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:13,320 Speaker 3: of this, to be an adult, to be a parent 180 00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:16,679 Speaker 3: and everything that came with it. And I think my 181 00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:20,320 Speaker 3: Milicha always knew we'd fail and come back to her. 182 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,200 Speaker 3: This all happened because Netta was the one who bragged 183 00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:26,880 Speaker 3: about it, which was some Yeah, and I just felt 184 00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:30,240 Speaker 3: Mamilicha knew how to handle this stuff, telling again. You 185 00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:33,679 Speaker 3: know that night was definitely traumatizing. 186 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:35,960 Speaker 1: And you downplay things a lot. I don't know if 187 00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:39,040 Speaker 1: I've ever heard you use the words traumatizing. So to 188 00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:43,319 Speaker 1: hear you say that means I must have been really scary. 189 00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:47,520 Speaker 2: I couldn't keep you safe. I couldn't keep my baby safe. 190 00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:54,240 Speaker 1: On the one hand, I'm like, this is not shocking 191 00:10:54,280 --> 00:10:56,400 Speaker 1: to hear all of this. It's like the story of 192 00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:59,040 Speaker 1: my life. But I'm trying to listen to this as 193 00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:02,439 Speaker 1: an outsider, someone who's listening to the show. There was 194 00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:03,920 Speaker 1: the chance I might not be alive. 195 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:08,320 Speaker 3: I felt really scared. I just thought she would do 196 00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:10,439 Speaker 3: a better job of keeping you safe. 197 00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:12,920 Speaker 1: When you moved back in with her. Did it seem 198 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:14,920 Speaker 1: like Mamilicha blame my dad for what happened? 199 00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:15,480 Speaker 3: Oh? 200 00:11:15,559 --> 00:11:16,920 Speaker 2: Yeah, she never liked Neto. 201 00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:20,600 Speaker 3: She thought he wasn't good enough, she thought he was weak, 202 00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:22,720 Speaker 3: and then this happens. 203 00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:26,040 Speaker 1: Did she try to get you to break up the marriage? 204 00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:29,280 Speaker 3: Yes, Mamilita thought that by me getting divorced, she was 205 00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:32,200 Speaker 3: going to have full control of me again. And of 206 00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:34,800 Speaker 3: course have you back completely. 207 00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:37,760 Speaker 1: And this incident to break in, How did it change 208 00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:38,920 Speaker 1: things with my dad for you? 209 00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:42,520 Speaker 3: Well, your dad and I were already growing apart, just 210 00:11:42,559 --> 00:11:45,559 Speaker 3: because we were so young. We just wanted to hang 211 00:11:45,559 --> 00:11:48,960 Speaker 3: out with our friends and just do what teenagers do. 212 00:11:51,360 --> 00:11:51,960 Speaker 2: He would go. 213 00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:54,800 Speaker 3: Party with his homeboys at his house in Santa Sedro, 214 00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:57,760 Speaker 3: and I would stay at Mamilicha's house and party with 215 00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:01,319 Speaker 3: my friends. The only can condition was that I could 216 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:05,240 Speaker 3: not have boys come over. And then until one day 217 00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:07,959 Speaker 3: we had a guy stop by and Netto showed up, 218 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:09,839 Speaker 3: and that's when he said, I'm out of here. 219 00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:13,480 Speaker 2: That's it, I'm leaving you. And I said, cool, go. 220 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:16,760 Speaker 2: I was done playing house. 221 00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:25,400 Speaker 1: And it was over just like that. Did you guys 222 00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:27,120 Speaker 1: make any sort of arrangement of what was going to 223 00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:29,560 Speaker 1: happen with me? Like was he going to have me 224 00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:35,360 Speaker 1: visitation rights? Or what was the arrangement? How did I 225 00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:36,960 Speaker 1: come into this divorce? 226 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:41,079 Speaker 3: Nothing was mentioned as to what are we going to 227 00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:45,160 Speaker 3: do as far as the baby goes, our co parenting plans, 228 00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:49,160 Speaker 3: nothing like that was talked about. But because you were 229 00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:52,080 Speaker 3: already such a big part of your nana in Tata's life, 230 00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:55,560 Speaker 3: you'd go visit your nana for a day or two 231 00:12:55,600 --> 00:13:00,120 Speaker 3: and you'd come back to Mamilijaz. Your dad was there sometimes. 232 00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:04,199 Speaker 3: Maybe a month or two after we decided that we 233 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:08,800 Speaker 3: were going to end or relationship, I filed for a divorce. 234 00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:13,199 Speaker 3: I never saw an attorney. I never went to a courthouse. 235 00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:16,880 Speaker 3: It was all done through the mall. I think I 236 00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:21,800 Speaker 3: paid six hundred dollars and he got some paperwork in 237 00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:24,719 Speaker 3: the mill. He signed it, returned it, and then I 238 00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:27,920 Speaker 3: got a notice saying that we were divorced. 239 00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:31,280 Speaker 1: So, no, you guys didn't really think about me. 240 00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:35,760 Speaker 3: I mean I think I thought Mammy Leitcha had it covered, 241 00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:39,160 Speaker 3: like she was going to do a better job anyway. 242 00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:42,320 Speaker 3: And after the guys came to the house, I think 243 00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:45,320 Speaker 3: I decided I wasn't ready for all of this. I 244 00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:48,720 Speaker 3: just wanted to be a kid and just have fun again. 245 00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:51,760 Speaker 3: I missed my friends, I missed hanging out. 246 00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:55,280 Speaker 1: I mean, yeah, I get that now. I do think 247 00:13:55,280 --> 00:13:57,600 Speaker 1: it's an unrealistic expectation of a kid at that age. 248 00:13:58,040 --> 00:14:01,760 Speaker 1: You didn't have a life experience. And as for my dad, 249 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:06,760 Speaker 1: I you know, again, I didn't have a relationship with him. 250 00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:11,400 Speaker 1: He was my father by name, and today, as an adult, 251 00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:14,640 Speaker 1: I can have compassion for him as a human, but 252 00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:21,400 Speaker 1: that love, that bond that someone has with their father, 253 00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:24,320 Speaker 1: the love for their father, it's not there. 254 00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:29,240 Speaker 3: I wish it could have been different. He doesn't have 255 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:35,680 Speaker 3: that paternal feeling inside him. I do remember there was 256 00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:38,800 Speaker 3: a certain specific Christmas when we lived on Fourth Avenue, 257 00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:41,880 Speaker 3: and I wrapped up some presents for you from your dad. 258 00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:44,000 Speaker 2: I just remember. 259 00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:46,560 Speaker 3: Thinking, like, what the fuck you can't even show up 260 00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:50,640 Speaker 3: for Christmas or just a phone call at least. I 261 00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:53,680 Speaker 3: honestly don't remember if you were asking about your dad 262 00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:55,920 Speaker 3: or what the reason was, but I remember I wrapped 263 00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:59,560 Speaker 3: up a ball and some slippers, and then I told you, 264 00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:02,000 Speaker 3: look at your dad brought you while you were sleeping. 265 00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:04,360 Speaker 2: No. 266 00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:07,240 Speaker 1: I really feel like I just discovered that toun of 267 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:12,720 Speaker 1: class doesn't exist hearing that story, because in my memory 268 00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:15,240 Speaker 1: in my childhood, I remember I've always said my dad 269 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:17,800 Speaker 1: has only bought me a present once in my life, 270 00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:20,239 Speaker 1: and that was for Christmas. He gave me these slippers. 271 00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:23,520 Speaker 1: And I remember the slippers. They were white with this 272 00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:26,120 Speaker 1: blue suede over them, and I just remember like thinking, 273 00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:28,240 Speaker 1: that's the only present my dad has ever bought me. 274 00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:32,120 Speaker 1: And just to find out that he didn't even do that. Yeah, 275 00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:35,560 Speaker 1: it just makes me feel a certain type of way 276 00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:37,560 Speaker 1: about him more than that what I was already feeling. 277 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:44,320 Speaker 1: It feels good knowing you tried. So then did you 278 00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:45,960 Speaker 1: and my dad stop talking all together? 279 00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:46,680 Speaker 2: Oh? 280 00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:48,960 Speaker 3: No, I mean it was a small town and we 281 00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:50,960 Speaker 3: were still hanging out pretty often. 282 00:15:51,880 --> 00:15:52,280 Speaker 2: I don't know. 283 00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:54,560 Speaker 3: It was kind of weird, but we were kids, and 284 00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:58,240 Speaker 3: he was still an important part of my life. I 285 00:15:58,280 --> 00:15:59,680 Speaker 3: guess I still cared about him. 286 00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:03,800 Speaker 1: Sounds like you just weren't ready to be married, but yeah, 287 00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:04,800 Speaker 1: he was so important to you. 288 00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:08,480 Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly, and I still wanted that connection that. 289 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:11,720 Speaker 3: We'd had, and what kind of stuff were you doing? 290 00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:19,200 Speaker 3: So one night your dad called me. I don't know 291 00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:21,480 Speaker 3: why he called me, but I remember that he called me, 292 00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:23,240 Speaker 3: and he said, why don't you just come over and 293 00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:25,440 Speaker 3: we'll watch a movie or something. And I said, you 294 00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:29,800 Speaker 3: know what, Yeah, I'm gonna go over there. So I 295 00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:35,840 Speaker 3: drove to his house and we're sitting there watching TV. 296 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:39,400 Speaker 3: But the phone kept ringing and he would get up 297 00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:41,680 Speaker 3: and go. He'd run to the phone, and then he'd 298 00:16:41,720 --> 00:16:45,960 Speaker 3: go outside. And then I told him, you know what, 299 00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:48,160 Speaker 3: I changed my mind, why don't we go out, Let's 300 00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:51,480 Speaker 3: go somewhere, let's go eat or whatever. But he didn't 301 00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:53,720 Speaker 3: want to leave the house, and I just thought it 302 00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:56,640 Speaker 3: was really suspicious the way he was acting. So I thought, 303 00:16:56,640 --> 00:17:00,280 Speaker 3: for sures, there's another girl, and I said, Nick, time 304 00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:02,120 Speaker 3: the phone rings and he goes outside. I'm going to 305 00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:05,320 Speaker 3: follow him out there and catch him talking to this girl. 306 00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:09,359 Speaker 3: And so the phone rang, he went outside. 307 00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:10,920 Speaker 2: I waited about. 308 00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:14,320 Speaker 3: A minute and I went out and he was inside 309 00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:18,159 Speaker 3: a car with someone else, and I walked up to 310 00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:20,720 Speaker 3: the car. I was so sure I was going to 311 00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:25,879 Speaker 3: catch him talking to some girl. But what I found 312 00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:29,640 Speaker 3: was your dad and another guy cooking up some heroin 313 00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:33,720 Speaker 3: in a spoon. That's the first time I ever saw heroin. 314 00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:41,280 Speaker 3: My reaction was I want some of that. You better 315 00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:44,040 Speaker 3: give me some of that. And he said, you're crazy, 316 00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:46,760 Speaker 3: get out of here, go back inside, and I said, 317 00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:49,679 Speaker 3: if you don't give me some of that, I'm going 318 00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:51,520 Speaker 3: to go inside and tell your dad what you're doing. 319 00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:54,720 Speaker 3: He looks at the other guy, and the other guy 320 00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:57,680 Speaker 3: tells him, you know what, My wife did the same thing, 321 00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:00,320 Speaker 3: and I just gave it to her and she got 322 00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:01,760 Speaker 3: so sick that she never asked me. 323 00:18:01,720 --> 00:18:02,240 Speaker 2: For it again. 324 00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:06,000 Speaker 3: So he said, all right, I'm going to give you 325 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:07,600 Speaker 3: a little bit, and then you're going to go inside, 326 00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:12,280 Speaker 3: and you're just gonna leave me alone. I don't know 327 00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:16,919 Speaker 3: what went through me when I saw Neto and this 328 00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:20,560 Speaker 3: other guy cooking up heroin in a spoon. I don't 329 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:24,879 Speaker 3: know why it excited me instead of scaring me or 330 00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:29,760 Speaker 3: upsetting me. I don't understand. I wish I would have 331 00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:33,240 Speaker 3: been so upset that I would have just got in 332 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:36,600 Speaker 3: my car and went home. I wish that maybe I 333 00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:38,879 Speaker 3: could have maybe talked him into going in the house 334 00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:43,480 Speaker 3: and leaving all that there for good. But my reaction 335 00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:49,560 Speaker 3: was give me some of that. I felt my heart 336 00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:54,560 Speaker 3: was racing. I was excited. I wasn't afraid. I don't 337 00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:57,919 Speaker 3: know why that was my reaction, but I wanted to 338 00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:01,920 Speaker 3: try that. I didn't for a second stop to think 339 00:19:02,119 --> 00:19:06,159 Speaker 3: of what was about to start, what was coming to 340 00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:13,439 Speaker 3: my life. I put my arm out and he shot 341 00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:16,000 Speaker 3: me up with the first dose of heroin I've ever had. 342 00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:21,719 Speaker 3: And I sat there and waited to feel something. And 343 00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:26,200 Speaker 3: I waited and waited, And even though they were sitting 344 00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:29,440 Speaker 3: there laughing, saying that I kept falling asleep and scratching 345 00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:32,320 Speaker 3: my nose and scratching my head and scratching my stomach, 346 00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:36,919 Speaker 3: I wasn't feeling anything. I said, I don't know what 347 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:39,480 Speaker 3: you guys get out of this, because I don't feel 348 00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:42,479 Speaker 3: anything other than my head getting really hot and nchy. 349 00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:49,040 Speaker 3: But I was back the next day, the day after, 350 00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:51,320 Speaker 3: and the day after. I just continued to go back 351 00:19:51,359 --> 00:19:51,880 Speaker 3: every day. 352 00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:57,159 Speaker 1: Do you think maybe there was a part of you 353 00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:59,640 Speaker 1: that was trying to connect with him by doing Heroin 354 00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:01,360 Speaker 1: even though you were divorced. 355 00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:04,680 Speaker 2: Maybe. 356 00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:07,159 Speaker 3: I mean I knew that I didn't want to be 357 00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:10,040 Speaker 3: married to him, but I didn't want to let go completely. 358 00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:12,880 Speaker 3: I mean, he was the first person I was with, 359 00:20:13,359 --> 00:20:17,800 Speaker 3: like my first love, and now there was this new 360 00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:21,920 Speaker 3: thing that was gonna bring a new bond between us, 361 00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:23,240 Speaker 3: if that makes any sense. 362 00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:26,280 Speaker 1: You know, like you couldn't go golfing or go to 363 00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:26,760 Speaker 1: the release. 364 00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:32,560 Speaker 3: I mean I was really young and very impulsive, and 365 00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:35,439 Speaker 3: I saw him do it and I wanted to be 366 00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:36,080 Speaker 3: a part of it. 367 00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:38,880 Speaker 1: To me, that sounds like you were trying to fill 368 00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:42,080 Speaker 1: a void, which is something that I totally get. You 369 00:20:42,119 --> 00:20:44,159 Speaker 1: thought having a kid and getting married would help, and 370 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:47,840 Speaker 1: then you get divorced, so now let's try Heroin maybe 371 00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:49,359 Speaker 1: to fill that void that you were feeling. 372 00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:53,199 Speaker 3: Yeah, it could be. I mean, I was just a 373 00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:56,560 Speaker 3: lonely kid so much of the time, so. 374 00:20:56,480 --> 00:21:02,240 Speaker 1: You keep going over to my dad's. 375 00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:05,159 Speaker 3: And then one morning I woke up feeling super sick 376 00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:09,560 Speaker 3: and I didn't go to see Neto from my daily 377 00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:13,120 Speaker 3: dolls of Heroin, and he called me and he said, 378 00:21:13,119 --> 00:21:16,520 Speaker 3: where are you? And I remember telling him I'm not 379 00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:18,640 Speaker 3: coming over today. I don't feel good. I think I'm 380 00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:22,560 Speaker 3: getting sick, and he laughed on the phone. I'm never 381 00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:24,879 Speaker 3: going to forget that. He sort of laughed and said, 382 00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:28,800 Speaker 3: just getting your car and come over here. I promise 383 00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:31,800 Speaker 3: you're going to feel better once you get here. So 384 00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:34,479 Speaker 3: I got in my car and I drove to his house. 385 00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:36,920 Speaker 1: I was like a. 386 00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:37,320 Speaker 2: Seven minute drive. 387 00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:40,320 Speaker 3: I remember I had to pull over to throw up 388 00:21:40,359 --> 00:21:44,280 Speaker 3: a couple of times because I was shivering, I was sweating, 389 00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:50,560 Speaker 3: I was throwing up. I was really sick. And somehow 390 00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:54,159 Speaker 3: I made it all the way to his house. And 391 00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:55,679 Speaker 3: as soon as I got out of the car and 392 00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:59,879 Speaker 3: walked into the house, he grabbed my arm and he 393 00:22:00,119 --> 00:22:03,280 Speaker 3: had a syringe in his hand and he put it 394 00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:10,720 Speaker 3: through my veins. And at that moment, I felt what 395 00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:14,639 Speaker 3: I had never felt. At that moment, I fell in 396 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:19,919 Speaker 3: love with Heroin. I felt a warmth that I can't describe. 397 00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:25,720 Speaker 3: I felt no fear, I just felt fearless. I felt strong. 398 00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:33,480 Speaker 3: I felt everything was beautiful, everything was perfect. Nothing hurt, 399 00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:39,359 Speaker 3: nothing hurt physically, nothing felt, nothing hurt inside of me. 400 00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:45,280 Speaker 3: All the darkness and fears from my childhood were gone. 401 00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:53,560 Speaker 1: It's really sad to hear that story, I think because 402 00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:56,600 Speaker 1: of how heroin affected my life. 403 00:22:58,160 --> 00:23:00,679 Speaker 3: I never thought that I would be hurting my child 404 00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:05,480 Speaker 3: I never thought of all that. I just knew that 405 00:23:05,520 --> 00:23:09,479 Speaker 3: I had fallen in love and didn't think of the 406 00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:18,479 Speaker 3: consequences that were about to come. Maybe a year after 407 00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:24,080 Speaker 3: I was using heroin on a daily basis, things started 408 00:23:24,080 --> 00:23:27,639 Speaker 3: to get really hard because at first I had Neto 409 00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:29,480 Speaker 3: that would give me the heroine. I would just put 410 00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:32,680 Speaker 3: my arm out and he would just insert the syringe 411 00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:35,840 Speaker 3: in my arm, and you know, I had and the 412 00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:40,080 Speaker 3: supplies of heroin with him. Then once Neto went to jail, 413 00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:44,520 Speaker 3: things started getting hard for me. I had to buy 414 00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:48,479 Speaker 3: my heroin, and by now I'm sixteen years old, I 415 00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:53,240 Speaker 3: don't have a job, and so I started stealing or 416 00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:59,720 Speaker 3: befriending people that sold the drugs to get by. It 417 00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:04,000 Speaker 3: was really hard being a parent because for one. I 418 00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:07,679 Speaker 3: had my baby at a very young age, and I 419 00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:12,320 Speaker 3: had a very controlling mother that I mean, she helped 420 00:24:12,359 --> 00:24:14,480 Speaker 3: me so much and if it wasn't for her, who 421 00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:16,240 Speaker 3: knows what became of my kids. 422 00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:19,320 Speaker 2: But it just made it easier for me. 423 00:24:22,119 --> 00:24:24,280 Speaker 3: It was easy for me to get up and go 424 00:24:24,359 --> 00:24:26,440 Speaker 3: when I was sick, to go get. 425 00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:27,800 Speaker 2: My heroin or whatever. 426 00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:33,800 Speaker 3: It was hard when I was home at night and 427 00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:37,320 Speaker 3: my baby wanted to go sleep with me, and I 428 00:24:37,359 --> 00:24:39,439 Speaker 3: didn't want my baby to go sleep with me because 429 00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:41,600 Speaker 3: I had to cook up my heroin or whatever. And 430 00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:43,879 Speaker 3: I had to talk my baby into you sleep with 431 00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:47,960 Speaker 3: mamilicha tonight, and my baby would say, but I want 432 00:24:47,960 --> 00:24:48,639 Speaker 3: to sleep with you. 433 00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:59,440 Speaker 1: That was hard. There is this understanding that I have 434 00:25:00,520 --> 00:25:07,800 Speaker 1: with addicts, with alcoholics, because being myself one, I understand 435 00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:14,399 Speaker 1: that we push everything aside for who we're addicted to. However, 436 00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:17,760 Speaker 1: it's very sad that we hurt the people that we 437 00:25:17,840 --> 00:25:20,560 Speaker 1: love the most to get our fix of whatever we 438 00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:26,320 Speaker 1: want or need. Makes sense to me, even though I 439 00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:30,000 Speaker 1: was the one who was hurt in the end. But 440 00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:33,399 Speaker 1: I understand it, and not that that makes it okay. 441 00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:33,959 Speaker 1: It doesn't. 442 00:25:35,040 --> 00:25:37,320 Speaker 3: Well, you were talking about how you feel now as 443 00:25:37,359 --> 00:25:41,879 Speaker 3: an adult any recovery. But as a child, it was 444 00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:45,520 Speaker 3: heartbreaking because as a child, even though you talk about 445 00:25:45,560 --> 00:25:49,479 Speaker 3: Mammy Leecha being the number one in your life, that 446 00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:53,240 Speaker 3: child adored me and all you wanted as a child 447 00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:56,679 Speaker 3: was to be with me. That was my baby, and 448 00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:58,840 Speaker 3: all my baby wanted was to be with me. And 449 00:25:59,080 --> 00:26:03,960 Speaker 3: how can I put this before? It was really really hard, 450 00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:08,120 Speaker 3: you know, until I nodded out and forgot all about it, 451 00:26:09,080 --> 00:26:12,120 Speaker 3: But I know that that child was also hurting. 452 00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:20,800 Speaker 1: It's crazy how hearing these stories again, I can see 453 00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:24,560 Speaker 1: more parallels between my life and my mom's growing up. 454 00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:27,439 Speaker 1: She also faced a lot of chaos and violence. So 455 00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:29,760 Speaker 1: when she met my dad and then she got praying 456 00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:33,400 Speaker 1: with me, she thought things would change. We were her 457 00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:37,400 Speaker 1: own little Brady Bunch fantasy. I was her shining star 458 00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:40,880 Speaker 1: and we lived it for a little. But of course 459 00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:43,920 Speaker 1: that couldn't last for long. My mom and dad weren't 460 00:26:43,920 --> 00:26:48,200 Speaker 1: really independent. Mamilicha was still pulling the strings. She knew 461 00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:50,720 Speaker 1: my parents were too young to be adults, and she 462 00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:54,040 Speaker 1: was waiting, ready to pick up the pieces. I'm sure 463 00:26:54,080 --> 00:26:56,800 Speaker 1: my dad was to blame for the home invasion, but 464 00:26:56,840 --> 00:26:59,040 Speaker 1: I do have to acknowledge that it was Mamicha's business 465 00:26:59,040 --> 00:27:02,080 Speaker 1: that put my mom's life and mine in danger, and 466 00:27:02,119 --> 00:27:05,200 Speaker 1: that moment really impacted my mom. It made her think 467 00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:08,800 Speaker 1: she wasn't really ready to be an adult or a mom. 468 00:27:09,280 --> 00:27:13,359 Speaker 1: Maybe that's true, maybe it's not. We'll never know. So 469 00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:15,720 Speaker 1: we went back to Mamilichaz and my mom was right 470 00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:18,800 Speaker 1: in some ways. I'm sure her mom was much more 471 00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:21,520 Speaker 1: prepared to take care of me. But in the process, 472 00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:24,760 Speaker 1: my mom had to find new ways to fill that void. 473 00:27:25,359 --> 00:27:27,800 Speaker 1: When she and my dad broke up, she found a 474 00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:33,840 Speaker 1: new love, heroine, and that love was all consuming. It 475 00:27:33,880 --> 00:27:37,120 Speaker 1: came to shape her life and mine for years to come. 476 00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:45,320 Speaker 1: Next time on Crumbs, do you think this disappearance could 477 00:27:45,359 --> 00:27:47,400 Speaker 1: have had something to do with my Miichaz business? 478 00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:50,359 Speaker 2: Oh my god, I don't want to do this right now. 479 00:27:52,000 --> 00:28:00,439 Speaker 2: I'm sorry. 480 00:28:01,240 --> 00:28:03,919 Speaker 1: Hey, listeners. There's a lot of difficult subjects that we 481 00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:06,560 Speaker 1: cover in this show. If you are someone you know 482 00:28:06,680 --> 00:28:09,359 Speaker 1: needs help, you can reach the Substance Abuse and Mental 483 00:28:09,359 --> 00:28:13,960 Speaker 1: Health Services Administration Hotline at one eight hundred sixty six ' 484 00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:18,040 Speaker 1: two four three five seven. They'll connect you with information 485 00:28:18,160 --> 00:28:21,879 Speaker 1: and resources on treatment. There's also the National Suicide Prevention 486 00:28:22,040 --> 00:28:25,960 Speaker 1: Lifeline at one eight hundred two seven three T A 487 00:28:26,359 --> 00:28:30,199 Speaker 1: l K. Both are available twenty four to seven. You 488 00:28:30,200 --> 00:28:32,040 Speaker 1: don't have to be in crisis to reach out either. 489 00:28:32,480 --> 00:28:40,920 Speaker 1: They're available for anyone who needs help. Crumbs is a 490 00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:45,160 Speaker 1: Sonata production in partnership with iheartsmichel Thura Network and Trojan Horse. 491 00:28:46,120 --> 00:28:49,920 Speaker 1: It's produced by Hannah Bottom and edited by Margaret Catcher, 492 00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:55,400 Speaker 1: Rodrigo Crespo and Alex Umero, with support from Elizabeth Schutzel. 493 00:28:56,560 --> 00:29:00,880 Speaker 1: Original music by D Peter Schmidt and engineering Catos Magagna, 494 00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:06,800 Speaker 1: Emanuel Barra Studio Recording by JTV Recording and Podcasting Studio. 495 00:29:07,040 --> 00:29:10,480 Speaker 1: Executive produced by Cono Byrne and Giselvan Says for iHeart, 496 00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:15,000 Speaker 1: Alex Fumetro and Margaret Catcher for Chrodren Horse, Camilla Victoriano 497 00:29:15,040 --> 00:29:20,200 Speaker 1: and Joshua weinsteinfer Sonoro and me Emmi OLEA special things 498 00:29:20,240 --> 00:29:24,480 Speaker 1: to Marina Coronella Gire and of course my mom Ilde Gambois. 499 00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:29,560 Speaker 1: Listen to Crumbs on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or 500 00:29:29,560 --> 00:29:39,520 Speaker 1: wherever you get your podcasts.