Speaker 1: Well the fucking mini your soul many episod well the
Speaker 1: fucking mini yever soul.
Speaker 2: Yep, yep, yep, there it is. There it is. Ladies
Speaker 2: and gentlemen, Welcome to another phenomenal mini episode of My
Speaker 2: Mama Told Me.
Speaker 3: The podcast where we dive deep into the pockets of
Speaker 3: black conspiracy theories.
Speaker 2: And we finally work to prove the theories that you
Speaker 2: the listener have at home. It's your time, baby. You're superstar,
Speaker 2: You're a god. Damn you're a goddamn angel. And you
Speaker 2: know what we want to hear what you gotta say.
Speaker 2: We love you, we love you, You're special to us. We'll
Speaker 2: go down on you. Fuck it, We'll go you will,
Speaker 2: We'll flip it over.
Speaker 4: We'll go to the back too. Why not?
Speaker 2: Why not if we feel the way we feel about you?
Speaker 2: Why wouldn't we smack it up, flip it, rub it down.
Speaker 2: Oh No, I'm David Boring.
Speaker 4: And I'm like Ston.
Speaker 2: Kerman, And boy, is that a greeting we need to
Speaker 2: learn to replicate? Huh? Should we? Should we do that
Speaker 2: on every episode?
Speaker 4: I think that's about as good as it's gonna get.
Speaker 5: Yeah, smack it up, flip it rub it down. Oh no,
Speaker 5: I'm David Bord. I want a fucking way to introduce yourself.
Speaker 4: Yeah, you don't know where I'm coming from.
Speaker 2: Not at all. I will say that that.
Speaker 3: Uh.
Speaker 2: We We've gotten a few messages last time we spoke.
Speaker 2: I believe we talked about a bit of a debate
Speaker 2: you and I had about the math from from driving
Speaker 2: from Denver to the middle of Wyoming, the the un
Speaker 2: undecided middle of Wyoming right. And I have now gotten three,
Speaker 2: I think upwards of three emails from various listeners who
Speaker 2: all wanted to make it clear that you, David, were
Speaker 2: in fact correct.
Speaker 4: About it there. And I don't even drive like that.
Speaker 2: A person named Asia said, Hey, David and Langston love
Speaker 2: the podcast. Keep up the good work, David. You never
Speaker 2: said we're in the middle of Wyoming. So I picked
Speaker 2: Riverton on a good day. Denver to Riverton is three
Speaker 2: hundred and forty nine miles via I eighty West or
Speaker 2: US two eighty seven North. A two thousand and six
Speaker 2: Honda Civic Basic Bitch Model No Fast, no Furious, has
Speaker 2: a fuel tank capacity of thirteen point two gallons and
Speaker 2: gets thirty miles per gallon in the city and forty
Speaker 2: on the highway. We're gonna use thirty because ain't no
Speaker 2: way we're gonna risk it and run on fumes in
Speaker 2: the middle of Wyoming. If you're driving from a full
Speaker 2: tank three hundred and ninety six miles per tank, you
Speaker 2: can make it to Riverton with forty seven miles left
Speaker 2: on empty. If this math is wrong, oh well, but
Speaker 2: I'm pretty sure it is. It is anyway, by bitches,
Speaker 2: what Asia wrote, and to all of that, I say,
Speaker 2: fuck you, Asia. You didn't have to do none of that.
Speaker 2: You could a mind your motherfucking business. Stayed the fuck
Speaker 2: out of grown folks business. Asia. Fuck you. Fuck fuck Carol, uh,
Speaker 2: fuck Padra because Pedra had a whole bunch of say
Speaker 2: about this shit talking about two hundred and ninety four
Speaker 2: miles from Denver to Jefferson City. Fuck all, y'all. I
Speaker 2: don't give a shit.
Speaker 4: I think you all. You guys are great.
Speaker 3: I appreciate you doing mad calculating in the lab whatever
Speaker 3: you had to do to.
Speaker 4: Because you could be wrong. I don't know, but.
Speaker 3: I trust you. That's what I gotta say about that.
Speaker 3: You couldn't be wrong, but I don't know.
Speaker 2: I dressed you right, Yeah, I didn't care for you
Speaker 2: dork's involving yourselves at all, But you don't want to
Speaker 2: appreciate you listening. We're big fans.
Speaker 4: That you're not at these dorks for doing research. You're
Speaker 4: the one who does the research for this pod.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but only to my advantage, not not for other
Speaker 2: people to sauce on me. You know what I mean.
Speaker 4: Oh, that's fair. They were saucy.
Speaker 2: They were saucy. They started. She said, if a train
Speaker 2: is traveling at one hundred and thirty six miles per
Speaker 2: hour in one direction, you know what I mean. She
Speaker 2: hit me with some fucking word problems.
Speaker 3: Yeah, there was a lot to unpack there, man, God
Speaker 3: bless it. I got to drive to Wyoming. Now, get
Speaker 3: some fireworks. Get some fireworks. That's right, you said that's
Speaker 3: the big thing for Wyoming for y'all. Yeah, I mean,
Speaker 3: I guess. I assume there's some type of industry, but
Speaker 3: for me, it was mostly for fireworks.
Speaker 2: I want to get into this unrelated I guess conspiracy theory. Oh,
Speaker 2: this is another thing that I should address before we
Speaker 2: get into the conspiracy theory. I also received a message,
Speaker 2: and this relates to our conversation around milk we remember
Speaker 2: we were talking about the dangers of milk. Recently, and unrelated,
Speaker 2: a person named Brian sent me a message about my
Speaker 2: puffy nipples. Maybe you remember we had a I do
Speaker 2: remember discussion about puffy nipples as well and Brian. Brian said,
Speaker 2: I too used to suffer from puffy nipples until one
Speaker 2: day I read a Darwin D's blog post that talked
Speaker 2: about how he used to be badly afflicted with acne
Speaker 2: until he quit dairy. So I did the same, and
Speaker 2: not only did my acne clear up, but my nipples
Speaker 2: calmed the fuck down. I figured it was because I
Speaker 2: no longer was no longer secondhanding some sort of nipple
Speaker 2: based hormone, and because I was lactose intolerant. My conspiracy
Speaker 2: theory milk can fuck you up. Love the podcast. Thanks,
Speaker 2: that's from Brian.
Speaker 4: I don't I think that? Yeah?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think it's think there's legitimate of what Brian's saying.
Speaker 4: It tracks like he did the research. Yeah.
Speaker 2: No, he he did the experiment on himself. He gave
Speaker 2: up the milk, and them titties turned.
Speaker 4: To what titties went flat on him.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And there's nothing wrong if you got puffy nipples.
Speaker 2: You know, there's no shame in it.
Speaker 4: Yeah, don't ever feel bad about your poofy nipples.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but but still, you know you could change it.
Speaker 2: You could do something about it. And I'm gonna try
Speaker 2: to do something about it now. Thank you Brian for
Speaker 2: your inspiration.
Speaker 4: Yeah, you should like track your nipple puff progress.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm gonna. I'm gonna get a real small ruler and.
Speaker 4: You take every pictures every day for a month.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna make an inspirational Instagram account for the titties
Speaker 2: that I transformed my titties into.
Speaker 3: Oh man, put like a like a grind hustle it motivate,
Speaker 3: Yeah exactly.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I like that, but for going down.
Speaker 2: And then after a while I'll start getting sponsorships or
Speaker 2: things that have nothing to do with puffy nipples, you
Speaker 2: know what I mean.
Speaker 4: It'll oh yeah, it'll just be.
Speaker 2: Like temporary tattoos that are like asking me to promote
Speaker 2: their shit.
Speaker 4: So yeah, motor oil for less pumpy nipples.
Speaker 2: All right, I want to get into our actual big
Speaker 2: email for the day. This is This came from a
Speaker 2: person who requested to remain anonymous. Really they yeah, they
Speaker 2: didn't want to share their name. And you'll see why.
Speaker 2: Pretty quickly, they sent a message. They said, high length
Speaker 2: high lengths in the David, please don't use my name,
Speaker 2: Smiley Face. I love the show, and for all the silliness,
Speaker 2: you too, really stimulate productive conversation about the effect of
Speaker 2: white supremacy on black people. I don't know if that
Speaker 2: was our goal, but I'm glad that that's what you're
Speaker 2: getting out.
Speaker 3: Of I also don't think you've heard the last episode.
Speaker 2: We were over. We were aiming for chaoans. We weren't
Speaker 2: really going to fix nothing. But but that said, it
Speaker 2: means the world to us that that you feel that way.
Speaker 2: They went on to say, my conspiracy theory that I've
Speaker 2: been quietly spreading for months is that black families with
Speaker 2: lots of kids become Jehovah's witnesses to avoid purchasing Christmas
Speaker 2: and birthday gifts. They realized they should They could still
Speaker 2: love Jesus and not have to buy into commercialism or holly,
Speaker 2: or holidays or birthdays. Please find some examples to support
Speaker 2: this idea below, Serena Williams family, Donald Glover's family, Michael
Speaker 2: Jackson's family. I rest my.
Speaker 3: Case, man, that feels that feels pretty possible to me. Yeah,
Speaker 3: I've never known somebody who was like it was just
Speaker 3: me and my single mom. We were Jehovah's witnesses, right right,
Speaker 3: there was always twelve of them.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's always a fuck ton of kids that that
Speaker 2: are Jehovah's witnesses.
Speaker 4: Like they're buying vans, you know.
Speaker 2: I like how you made it seem like it's a
Speaker 2: fleet of vans just to move these children from uh
Speaker 2: school to not holiday parties.
Speaker 4: You never you never grew up with like you never
Speaker 4: had weird van families.
Speaker 2: We did have weird van families. It was rarely a fleet,
Speaker 2: but I hear you that they they're talking about. Yeah,
Speaker 2: they had like a mini van that was much older
Speaker 2: than it seemed like it should be.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, and then it was just like eight LDS
Speaker 3: kids packed in there at all times.
Speaker 2: My question, or at least what immediately popped in my
Speaker 2: head because I agree with you, it does feel like
Speaker 2: it holds a little bit of weight. Is My question
Speaker 2: is do the kids before or are they a byproduct
Speaker 2: of like Jehovah witness practices, right, because I think some
Speaker 2: of it is also like and maybe this is not true,
Speaker 2: but I think they're like, ah, you ain't gotta come on, man,
Speaker 2: you ain't gotta wear no condoms.
Speaker 4: Oh they're fucking raw.
Speaker 3: I think that that's the main reason people become crazy
Speaker 3: religious is the.
Speaker 2: Fuck is anti condom shit?
Speaker 3: Yeah, God says, I don't have to win one baby? Yeah,
Speaker 3: like you know, I mean that's right.
Speaker 4: I mean it's all about fucking. It's the same reason like.
Speaker 3: Mormons they're politamous because they like fucking a lot, Like
Speaker 3: that's the that's the thing, right, So like, yeah, I
Speaker 3: cannot imagine Jehovah's witnesses where condoms or use any kind
Speaker 3: of birth control other than gravity.
Speaker 2: Right, And so with that, I guess the question is,
Speaker 2: are you becoming Jehovah witness afterwards or are you actually
Speaker 2: like already that and then all these kids become a
Speaker 2: part of it because y'all are just raw doging each other.
Speaker 4: I bet it's later.
Speaker 3: I would I would bet that it's like damn five,
Speaker 3: all right, we gotta do something.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and there's like, fuck, who who would make sure
Speaker 2: that we don't have to buy these kids' gifts sweet
Speaker 2: Jehovah gyra?
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah, because what because that's the only thing
Speaker 3: I even know about Jehovah's witnesses.
Speaker 4: Mmmm, Like is it? What's what else is different about them?
Speaker 4: Like are they just are they just Christians?
Speaker 2: They believe that heaven has like a capacity that like
Speaker 2: there's it's a limited number of people that can get
Speaker 2: into Heaven. And that's why they go door to door
Speaker 2: spreading the word is because number one, they're trying to
Speaker 2: recruit new members. But number two, that is part of
Speaker 2: like their mission to earn their spot into Heaven is
Speaker 2: by getting more people to believe in God.
Speaker 3: Okay, but if there's a capacity, couldn't they be like max,
Speaker 3: and now what if, like you, you bring ten people
Speaker 3: in and then now there's no space for you.
Speaker 2: That's always been my issue with it, is like I
Speaker 2: think that the number is like one hundred and eighty
Speaker 2: something thousand.
Speaker 4: That's not so.
Speaker 2: It feels like you already the door's already shut, you
Speaker 2: know what I mean, Like they're already being like, hey,
Speaker 2: no more if you ain't got no girls, which you
Speaker 2: can't come in at the door, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3: But that's why they got all those kids and wives.
Speaker 3: I'm rock ten chicks, right, I'm not showing up alone.
Speaker 3: We buying bottles.
Speaker 4: Peacher Rock for me and all my family.
Speaker 2: Right, you're saying, you're saying, right now, we're at normal capacity.
Speaker 2: But if you're willing to drop the bread, you can
Speaker 2: still get in the club.
Speaker 3: Right, No, I mean because yeah, I feel like it's
Speaker 3: definitely something that happens afterwards though. It's definitely like you
Speaker 3: have a few kids, money's getting tight. These they got
Speaker 3: birthdays every year, and like, let's say you have six
Speaker 3: kids evenly spaced out, that's a birthday every other month.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's not good. And and I'll be holidays. I'll
Speaker 2: be honest, I'm feeling anxiety just uh with my one
Speaker 2: child and buying a birthday gift and like something that's
Speaker 2: appropriate to a one year old and also is gonna
Speaker 2: impress my wife enough not to make make her feel
Speaker 2: like she needs to leave me. So it's like, yeah, no,
Speaker 2: it stinks. But having to do that six times a year,
Speaker 2: that's and then Christmas, that's that's crazy.
Speaker 4: Wait, what are you gonna get the one year old?
Speaker 4: Have you decided? No?
Speaker 2: I haven't. I'm not. I'm not landed on nothing. But
Speaker 2: if you got pitches, I'm taking them, baby, that's see
Speaker 2: that's the problem. My wife already got her like some
Speaker 2: bracelets and ship, so I'm ship. Yeah, I'm coming in.
Speaker 4: You know.
Speaker 3: Oh you should buy some ship that you can't nail down,
Speaker 3: like get her name a star after.
Speaker 6: Some No, man, that's a that's a scamier.
Speaker 4: At the zoo, or some ship in her name or
Speaker 4: some ship.
Speaker 2: That's a scam you can only pull on like sick
Speaker 2: kids and grandma's. You can't. You can't do that to
Speaker 2: discerning adults who know you know what I mean.
Speaker 4: It does sound like a scam. Ship. What are we
Speaker 4: gonna What are you gonna get your daughter?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: I don't know, but I gotta figure it out and fast.
Speaker 4: Have you bronzed any of her ship?
Speaker 2: No, nothing's bronzed yet.
Speaker 4: You should bronze something.
Speaker 2: Okay, as I'm now, I'm liking where you're heading.
Speaker 3: Yea, yeah, dip some baby shoes and uh in the
Speaker 3: first ones, get the first ones. You guys got whoever diplomat,
Speaker 3: I'll bronze it for you. I got a guy, I
Speaker 3: got a bronz think guy, I got I got bronze
Speaker 3: gold plated whatever you need.
Speaker 2: Okay, Well, let's talk after the podcast. We might we
Speaker 2: might be able to find something here.
Speaker 3: But as far as these Jehovah's witnesses, man, I because
Speaker 3: it just seems like I don't know a lot of
Speaker 3: everybody I've ever known that was Jehovah's witnesses seemed to
Speaker 3: be some type of late life conversion via their parents.
Speaker 3: Like I don't I but and maybe that's because I'm
Speaker 3: not close to the church, But I don't know a
Speaker 3: lot of people who are like I grew up with it.
Speaker 3: Like it seems like a lot of people grow up
Speaker 3: with it and then they leave that shit. Princevills having
Speaker 3: birthday parties.
Speaker 2: Yeah, no, I I've known a few people who grew
Speaker 2: up that way and then didn't stay committed to it.
Speaker 2: And then there are people who I knew who grew
Speaker 2: up that way.
Speaker 4: How many kids do they have? A lot?
Speaker 2: Actually not sh Yeah, they kept fucking They were like,
Speaker 2: now that part's cool. Yeah, they're like, I hear y'all
Speaker 2: on this. Maybe a day party, Yeah, birthday party would
Speaker 2: be tight too. But that said, I also have a
Speaker 2: family member two who grew up that way and then
Speaker 2: were like excommunicated from the church. And that's like a
Speaker 2: real thing that the church tends to do, and it
Speaker 2: is one of the things and Quinta is a person
Speaker 2: who grew up that way, but she she's not the
Speaker 2: excommunication person, but she's talked about this or she and
Speaker 2: I talked about this of like how it is one
Speaker 2: of those things that I do respect about their commitment
Speaker 2: to the religion, where like if you do what they
Speaker 2: don't like, they kick you the fuck out. They don't
Speaker 2: like play that thing where they're like, nah, you can
Speaker 2: still save your soul. They're like, no, uh uh, you
Speaker 2: ain't making the cut. Get the fuck out of here.
Speaker 3: I mean, I respect the discipline for sure, respected even
Speaker 3: the disciplit of no birthdays and holidays. I even respect
Speaker 3: the discipline of that. I think there's a great case
Speaker 3: to be made for it, right, I mean, but I
Speaker 3: think that it's like a it seems to be like
Speaker 3: based in frugal, being frugal, you.
Speaker 2: Know, yeah, it doesn't seem completely altruistic, not at all
Speaker 2: at all. You're not just looking out for the kids
Speaker 2: greater good by taking away birthdays, you you truly are
Speaker 2: saving hundreds of dollars, if not thousands of dollars a year.
Speaker 4: Jesus celebrated holidays.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Jesus loved a good holiday.
Speaker 3: Well, wait are they? But are they? Do they read
Speaker 3: the Bible? Do they believe in like the Covenant of
Speaker 3: the New Testament? Are the Old Testament people?
Speaker 4: I don't know.
Speaker 2: I think they. I don't know one hundred percent, but
Speaker 2: I know that they read the Bible. I'm pretty sure
Speaker 2: that they're They have like their own extra chapters if
Speaker 2: I'm remembering.
Speaker 4: Oh, like the Catholic Apocrypha whatever.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's similar to That's essentially what Mormon situation is too.
Speaker 2: That like, it's not that they don't read the same Bible,
Speaker 2: they just have some extra like stuff that they have.
Speaker 3: This stuff from the tablets though, yeah, may I don't
Speaker 3: know where it's from. He looked through the thing and
Speaker 3: what Joseph Smith or whatever he was, he was a
Speaker 3: snake oil salesman. That's not what we're getting into. Everybody
Speaker 3: knows being a Mormon is a scam. They wear magic underwear.
Speaker 4: Jehovah's witnesses I do. I'm with this one. I'm won one.
Speaker 2: You respect the Jehovah's witnesses, but you also acknowledge their
Speaker 2: frugality in their decision making.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and I think that's fine.
Speaker 2: M okay, that's a good old take on it. You're like, look, yeah,
Speaker 2: I think you're right that they probably are turning to
Speaker 2: Jehovah's witness beliefs in order to save money. But that
Speaker 2: doesn't make them any less committed because of the level
Speaker 2: of work that they're putting in to stay part.
Speaker 4: Of the church. I couldn't have said it better myself.
Speaker 2: All right, Well, that that seems legit to me. I
Speaker 2: think that's fair. If I have to go door to
Speaker 2: door and try to convince very angry people that my
Speaker 2: way of interpreting the Bible and religious texts is correct,
Speaker 2: then yeah, I deserve not to buy my daughter a
Speaker 2: birthday gift.
Speaker 4: Exactly.
Speaker 2: That seems that seems fair. I don't got no issues
Speaker 2: with that. So listener, anonymous listener, I hope this satisfies
Speaker 2: your theory, and I hope you've learned a lesson about
Speaker 2: judging the Jehovah's witnesses unfairly. Maybe they're not cheap, Maybe
Speaker 2: they're they're just making necessary sacrifices for not going broke
Speaker 2: and broad dog in their wives.
Speaker 4: Exactly.
Speaker 2: Well, we did it, all right, Bory. Could you tell
Speaker 2: the people where they can find you? What cool shit
Speaker 2: you have going on?
Speaker 3: Uh, you know, just go to just follow my Instagram
Speaker 3: Cool Eye Jokes eighty seven.
Speaker 2: As always, you can follow me at Langston Kerman and
Speaker 2: you can come see me at Lyric Hyperion on September
Speaker 2: fifteenth and that's gonna be a really fun show. And
Speaker 2: then you can see me in New York on September
Speaker 2: nineteenth at City Winery. And if you want to send
Speaker 2: us your own drops, your own conspiracy theories, if you
Speaker 2: want to accuse other religions of being cheap, you can
Speaker 2: send those theories to mymamapod at gmail dot com. We
Speaker 2: would love to hear from you. That's it, that's all. Bye, bitch.
Speaker 1: Motherfucking Miniyear Soul Mini Episod, motherfucking miniev Cel, motherfucking Mini
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