Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the
Speaker 1: fact that I was not always good at making my
Speaker 1: relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from
Speaker 1: the same person. In other words, I have seen a
Speaker 1: lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I
Speaker 1: am here to share with you what I learned along
Speaker 1: the way because I did take copious notes. Welcome to
Speaker 1: the R Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. People think that communication is the biggest issue
Speaker 1: in relationships, and I want to offer that there's another
Speaker 1: C word that we need to really take seriously and
Speaker 1: put into practice in our relationships, and that C word
Speaker 1: is compromise. You give a little, I give a little,
Speaker 1: You take a little, I take a little. Compromise leads
Speaker 1: to cooperation, and cooperation leads to harmony and cohesiveness. But
Speaker 1: when there is no willingness to compromise, there's going to
Speaker 1: be problems because without compromise, someone is going to have
Speaker 1: to sacrifice themselves or what's important to them in order
Speaker 1: to remain in the relationship. And sacrifice is the lowest
Speaker 1: level of compromise. It vibrates at a very low level,
Speaker 1: which means it's going to lead to resentment and bitterness,
Speaker 1: anger and break up. Compromise has to be there because
Speaker 1: what compromise says is that your needs and your wants
Speaker 1: are as important as mine, and because you matter to me,
Speaker 1: I'm willing to work this thing out now. If you
Speaker 1: can't communicate that, you're going to have a problem. But
Speaker 1: compromise is important, and that's exactly where my caller is today.
Speaker 1: Let's take a listen. Good afternoon, beloved, Welcome to the
Speaker 1: R spot And what is your relationship challenge, issue dilemma
Speaker 1: that we can work through today?
Speaker 2: Hello?
Speaker 3: How are you?
Speaker 1: I'm good good.
Speaker 3: This is really awesome talking to you. By the way,
Speaker 3: I thought I should let you know that pose calling
Speaker 3: because I recently, well it's been about a year, have
Speaker 3: gone through a breakup, my first breakup. I'm twenty six
Speaker 3: years old. I did live with my partner. We were
Speaker 3: together for about eight months before I ended it the relationship,
Speaker 3: and I've just been having a lot of feelings of
Speaker 3: regret just because as time went by. I guess you
Speaker 3: could say the longest we went without talking during the
Speaker 3: breakup was a month, and this last November, I made
Speaker 3: the decision to reach out to him one final time,
Speaker 3: just explaining how I felt throughout the relationship and what
Speaker 3: I could work on, what we could fix to possibly
Speaker 3: get back together. And I sent him this long I
Speaker 3: guess you could call it a letter even and he
Speaker 3: did not respond to me, and to me, I felt
Speaker 3: like we were breaking up all over again. All the
Speaker 3: emotions came back up, and in the message, I did
Speaker 3: let him know it's not fair to me because I
Speaker 3: felt like he was being very wishy washy and I
Speaker 3: just wanted to move on from this situation. One minute
Speaker 3: he's hot, he tells me that he misses me, he
Speaker 3: loves me. The next minute he ignores plans that we make.
Speaker 3: So in the message, I let him know I will
Speaker 3: need to cut off communication with him, and I sent
Speaker 3: him that message. I waited twenty four hours and he
Speaker 3: never responded to me and to me, you know, respond
Speaker 3: to the response. So I deleted his number, I blocked
Speaker 3: him off of social media. But I'm having such a
Speaker 3: hard time being okay with that decision because I still
Speaker 3: care about him, and I just don't know what I'm doing.
Speaker 3: It's like one minute I'm okay and I've processed the
Speaker 3: feelings and the next minute, I'm crying or I see
Speaker 3: things that remind me of him and it makes me sad.
Speaker 3: So I just don't know what I'm doing, or I
Speaker 3: don't know why I'm so regretting. The decision that I
Speaker 3: made is my I guess, you know, questions like how
Speaker 3: do I move on from that or accept that?
Speaker 2: Necessarily?
Speaker 1: Well, okay, then did he move in with you? Or
Speaker 1: you move in with him?
Speaker 3: He moves in with me at the time.
Speaker 1: First mistake, first mistake, First mistake with you, first mistake.
Speaker 3: I was always aver let that happen, and I did.
Speaker 1: So. Yeah, yeah, okay, first mistake as a woman. You
Speaker 1: got to let the man build the nest. He can't
Speaker 1: build you a nest. He's not worthy of your time,
Speaker 1: energy and attention. I'm sorry, you're twenty six years old. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he's got to create the nest. That's number one. Number two,
Speaker 1: why did you break up? Why did you ask him
Speaker 1: to leave the nest?
Speaker 3: So he moved in with a dog. Okay, you might
Speaker 3: think I'm crazy, but from where I'm from, I'm originally
Speaker 3: from the Ivory. Coats and dogs or pets are typically outside.
Speaker 3: They guard the home. They're never inside and I knew
Speaker 3: this coming in that he was moving in with a dog,
Speaker 3: and I asked myself, like, here, are you okay with that?
Speaker 3: And in my head, I was like, well, I've never
Speaker 3: lived with a pet. I really care about this person,
Speaker 3: and I'm willing to compromise and make the adjustment because
Speaker 3: I'm kind of seeing the dog once in a while,
Speaker 3: I'm getting used to him, and just that whole time,
Speaker 3: I don't know what it is, and I thought, really
Speaker 3: crazy about it is that I was very overwhelmed by
Speaker 3: his dog. And it's just like normal dog stuff, the sniffing,
Speaker 3: the licking, the bark gate just like his presence overwhelmed me,
Speaker 3: and I let him know about it. The dog was
Speaker 3: sleeping with us. I mean, it was to the point
Speaker 3: where I was letting the dog sleep on the bed,
Speaker 3: letting the dog get on the couch because that's what
Speaker 3: the dog was used to. And it kind of got
Speaker 3: to the point where I felt like I was sacrificing
Speaker 3: my happiness in my own home to accommodate other people.
Speaker 3: And there were times where I would spend a night
Speaker 3: over my parents just so that the dog would be
Speaker 3: I guess that you would say free to kind of
Speaker 3: roam around and not feel like he has to sleep
Speaker 3: in a cage. So it was just overwhelming, and I
Speaker 3: don't know why I tried. I would take them on walks,
Speaker 3: I would take him to the vent. I would do
Speaker 3: things with his dog to try to get used to him,
Speaker 3: but it felt very forced, and it got to the
Speaker 3: point where I was starting to resent him. And that's
Speaker 3: when I started pulling back because I was like, this
Speaker 3: guy is a great guy. We don't have any issues.
Speaker 3: We don't have there's nothing else going on. But I
Speaker 3: can't get used to his dog. And I basically have
Speaker 3: this thought process of who in my you know to
Speaker 3: ever tell someone, hey, you need to get rid of
Speaker 3: your pet.
Speaker 1: No.
Speaker 3: So I decided to remove myself because I just felt
Speaker 3: like it wasn't even fair for me to even.
Speaker 1: Act some that.
Speaker 3: But yeah, there was nothing wrong with him, It was
Speaker 3: just the living conditions, per se.
Speaker 1: Boy, you really convinced yourself of that one. Why can't
Speaker 1: it simply be you don't want to live with a dog,
Speaker 1: so he needs to live over there with his dog
Speaker 1: and you need to live in your house? Yes, ma'am,
Speaker 1: why can't it be you said there were no problems
Speaker 1: between you there was a huge problem between you. Do
Speaker 1: you have any idea what that problem is.
Speaker 3: Or? Honestly, when I say think back about it, is
Speaker 3: just I just could not I could not get used
Speaker 3: to that, and I felt like I compromised, he compromised,
Speaker 3: but I was just unhappy.
Speaker 1: Here's the bottom line. Here's the bottom line. He chose
Speaker 1: the dog over you. And a kind of way to
Speaker 1: say that is what mattered to you didn't matter to him.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, Yeah, what mattered to you didn't matter to him.
Speaker 1: That's a huge problem.
Speaker 3: Yeah, But is it fair to say that when he
Speaker 3: had I mean, he had his dog prior to meeting me, Like,
Speaker 3: wouldn't it be selfish on my part to ask him that?
Speaker 1: Well? Yeah, but you know what, Yes, you didn't have
Speaker 1: to ask him to get rid of the dog. It's
Speaker 1: another simple statement. I can't live with a dog, so
Speaker 1: you're gonna have to You and the dog are gonna
Speaker 1: have to live somewhere else. And if that means the
Speaker 1: end of us, oh well, I just I can't do it.
Speaker 1: I don't choose that for myself. And that's okay. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you don't have the thing for him. This matters to me,
Speaker 1: It matters to me and I matter, and I know
Speaker 1: you love your dog. I could never ask you to
Speaker 1: get rid of your dog. But I can't live with
Speaker 1: a dog. But you moved in a man who was
Speaker 1: bringing something that you didn't want. Why did you do that?
Speaker 3: I didn't know that I didn't want it necessarily because
Speaker 3: I had never experienced it. Because I have friends and
Speaker 3: you know, family members who have dogs, and I'm like, oh,
Speaker 3: if they can do it, I can do it. It's
Speaker 3: not you know, it doesn't look that bad. And it
Speaker 3: was just one of those things where I had the space.
Speaker 3: He didn't like his living conditions, and I was like, sure,
Speaker 3: let's you know, our relationship is progressing. Obviously, if we
Speaker 3: see the future together, I'm going to have to live
Speaker 3: with your dog as so point is what my thought
Speaker 3: process was. And then it just got overwhelming to the
Speaker 3: point where I just could not stand to be in
Speaker 3: the house.
Speaker 2: With the dog.
Speaker 1: And what did he say about that?
Speaker 3: The first time I brought it up, he told me
Speaker 3: it didn't matter to me that I didn't like his dog,
Speaker 3: because I wasn't mean to him, and it was just like,
Speaker 3: it's just one of those things we'll keep working on,
Speaker 3: and one of the compromises he made is that he
Speaker 3: let the dog sleek downstairs in the cage because the
Speaker 3: dog was sleeping with us, And I felt really guilty
Speaker 3: about that because I was here, I am again changing
Speaker 3: the dog's routine, I guess, if you want to say so.
Speaker 3: So there was a lot of stuff, a lot of
Speaker 3: the adjustments he made for me I felt guilty about. Well,
Speaker 3: that's all. I was like, I need to remove myself,
Speaker 3: like I can't keep doing that to him and his dog,
Speaker 3: which he considered family, and then putting my happiness on
Speaker 3: the line. So that's why I just kind of went
Speaker 3: in ahead and just.
Speaker 1: So he moved out, and that's what ended the relationship.
Speaker 3: Yes, he moved out because in his mind, he just
Speaker 3: if you can't live with my dog, I come with
Speaker 3: my dog. And that's just it kind of situation.
Speaker 1: So what matters to you doesn't matter to him. Yes,
Speaker 1: he's putting his needs first.
Speaker 3: Yes, I never saw it like that, but yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1: Well there you go. Is that the kind of relationship
Speaker 1: you want to be in? In relationship with a man
Speaker 1: who puts his needs first. I don't care that he's
Speaker 1: a nice guy, and you don't have to stop loving him,
Speaker 1: but you do have to vote for you. Yeah, because
Speaker 1: it could be a dog, it could be a cat,
Speaker 1: it could be a child, it could be anything. So
Speaker 1: early in your life you're learning I matter what matters
Speaker 1: to me matters, and if what matters to me doesn't
Speaker 1: matter to you, then this is not the relationship for me.
Speaker 1: I don't have to stop loving you, but I got
Speaker 1: a place to reality that you're putting your needs above mine.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm just having a hard time. I don't know,
Speaker 3: is because he was the first he was. Yeah, I'm
Speaker 3: having and I just feel like I just I'm blockie,
Speaker 3: I'm deleting numbers like and I just cannot move on
Speaker 3: from it. I'm open to dating, like I've been dating
Speaker 3: since we broke up, but it just feels it doesn't
Speaker 3: feel right, And I mean, it's just like I don't
Speaker 3: know how to move on past the decision that I
Speaker 3: that I.
Speaker 1: Made because you're taking to responsibility. Here's the bottom line.
Speaker 1: You were You are in love with a man who
Speaker 1: chose a dog over you. That doesn't make him bad,
Speaker 1: doesn't make him wrong. That was his choice. So the
Speaker 1: question becomes, what are you choosing? Are you choosing a
Speaker 1: man who makes what he wants more important than what
Speaker 1: you want. What would have happened had you been allergic
Speaker 1: to the dog? Yeah, I mean you're emotionally allergic, but
Speaker 1: not physically. But what would have happened had you had
Speaker 1: an allergy to the dog? Would he have insisted the
Speaker 1: dog be there? First of all, let me just say this.
Speaker 1: You're talking eight months. You're not talking eight years. You're
Speaker 1: talking eight months. And if you were pregnant and having
Speaker 1: a child, you got to carry that child for nine months.
Speaker 1: A child born at eight months would end up in
Speaker 1: the incubator, needing special care. So your relationship was in
Speaker 1: an incubator. It needed special care, and he wasn't willing
Speaker 1: to give the care that was required to maintain the relationship.
Speaker 1: If you don't put a child born at eight months
Speaker 1: in the incubator and give it special care, it's going
Speaker 1: to die. And that's exactly what happened. Why would you
Speaker 1: want a man that makes his needs and choices more
Speaker 1: important than yours? Doesn't make him a bad person. Clearly
Speaker 1: he's not the right person.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think I've been carrying the weight because or
Speaker 3: the responsibility, because I was the one who ended it,
Speaker 3: and I just because I saw how he reacted to
Speaker 3: the breakup and it was like, you.
Speaker 1: Weren't the one who ended it. I'm sorry. I can't
Speaker 1: let you do that. I can't support you in that.
Speaker 1: You were not the one who ended it. You were not.
Speaker 1: He made a choice and you made a choice, and
Speaker 1: the choices were not congruent. His choice was she got
Speaker 1: to take me and the dog. Your choice was I'm
Speaker 1: not willing to live with a dog, and those two
Speaker 1: choices were incongruent. He has equal responsibility in the ending
Speaker 1: of the relationship. Why are you taking it all on
Speaker 1: and why are you telling yourself that he's the only
Speaker 1: one that's gonna want you.
Speaker 3: I think I'm telling myself that. Honestly, I think it's
Speaker 3: because he's my first boyfriend. He's not. He wasn't my first.
Speaker 2: Let's say that, but he said it.
Speaker 1: He said it first boy friend, not a man partner,
Speaker 1: because a boy is going to insist that things be
Speaker 1: his way. You don't want a boyfriend. You want a
Speaker 1: man that's willing to to stand up for himself and
Speaker 1: for you. And I'm not making this guy wrong for
Speaker 1: his dog, but if you really mattered, he would have
Speaker 1: done something else. Including stay in his own house. If
Speaker 1: he loves a woman who is not willing or able
Speaker 1: or choosing to live with a dog, then that's on him.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: So the lesson here, the very valuable lesson here, is
Speaker 1: I want to be sure that in my next relationship,
Speaker 1: my choices and my needs are as important as my
Speaker 1: partner's choices and my partner's needs, and that there's a
Speaker 1: willingness to compromise. You made the compromise, he did not.
Speaker 1: Did you miss that you compromise? Let me see if
Speaker 1: I can do this. I'm willing to try it. What
Speaker 1: compromise did he make?
Speaker 3: He lets the dog sleep downstairs? Oh?
Speaker 1: Whoopee do ye in your house? He let the dog
Speaker 1: sleep downstairs in your house?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Okay, I want to ask you a question, and please
Speaker 1: hear me with all loving care and compassion. Are you ready?
Speaker 1: It's okay, we'll do it right after this break. Welcome
Speaker 1: back to the r spot. Let's pick up where we
Speaker 1: left off. Are you in any way overweight?
Speaker 3: No, I would describe I have, I guess the typical
Speaker 3: African woman body.
Speaker 1: Okay, so you're substantial, you got some substance to you? Okay?
Speaker 1: And are you okay? With that.
Speaker 3: You know, it's one of those things where okay, let
Speaker 3: me just answer your questions right now. Yes, okay, I've
Speaker 3: gotten back to my routine. But while I was in
Speaker 3: the relationship, I kind of let go of myself a bit, yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1: Okay, okay, And let me tell you why I'm asking
Speaker 1: you that, because I feel so strongly a presence or
Speaker 1: a sense that and maybe because he was your first
Speaker 1: boyfriend and so that you're telling me up until twenty
Speaker 1: five you didn't have a serious boyfriend, which in an
Speaker 1: American way, that's like you're an old maid and I
Speaker 1: just want to I just want to weed out any
Speaker 1: possibility that you think you're never gonna find anybody else.
Speaker 3: Yeah, okay.
Speaker 1: And sometimes when we are, you know, when we move
Speaker 1: from being substantial into being overweight, you know, we're willing
Speaker 1: to compromise ourselves beyond reason because we think he's the
Speaker 1: only one that's gonna want me.
Speaker 2: That's ma'am.
Speaker 1: He chose a dog over you. He chose a dog
Speaker 1: over you because when you said to him, I can't
Speaker 1: deliver the dog. I've tried. It's not working for me.
Speaker 1: He could have said, Okay, let me see what I
Speaker 1: can work out here. I don't want to get rid
Speaker 1: of the dog, but you are more important to me
Speaker 1: than this dog. Right now. Let me see if I
Speaker 1: can leave him with a family man, But let me
Speaker 1: see if I can leave him with a friend. He
Speaker 1: had that possibility. Yeah, yeah, let me see if can
Speaker 1: he be here on the weekends. I'll let him go
Speaker 1: to my mom's on the week during the week. Can
Speaker 1: he stay with us on the weekend? Be gone on
Speaker 1: some compromise. He made no compromise. He chose a dog
Speaker 1: over you. That's the reality, the the higher lesson here
Speaker 1: is this is a man who made his needs, his wants,
Speaker 1: his choice is more important than mine. I don't want
Speaker 1: that in a relationship. He's a nice guy. We had
Speaker 1: a great time. The sex was good. I loved him
Speaker 1: being here. But this is a man who chose his needs,
Speaker 1: his wants, his desire more than mine, made them more
Speaker 1: important than me. Why do I want to be in that?
Speaker 1: That's your work.
Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, And see that's a different standpoint than I've
Speaker 3: heard in the past. And I think I wasn't getting
Speaker 3: I guess any advice from other people that made me
Speaker 3: feel or made me hear what you're telling me now.
Speaker 1: Because in the Western society, women are trained, programmed, conditioned,
Speaker 1: and expected to put their needs and their wants secondary
Speaker 1: to people pleasing make everybody else happy. That's that's how
Speaker 1: we do it here, that's what we're expected to do.
Speaker 1: I have two dogs and they do not sleep in
Speaker 1: my bed. M hmm, yeah, yeah they don't. And what
Speaker 1: kind of dog was it? A German shepherd?
Speaker 3: It was a boxer.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, that's a big dog.
Speaker 3: Yeah, he was a big dog. I think I just
Speaker 3: have a really bad habit of trying to accommodate others.
Speaker 1: And the club, I'll send you your membership guard.
Speaker 3: It's like I put my happiness on standby just because
Speaker 3: I want to be there for that person. And I
Speaker 3: could be, you know, crying or unhappy, but I want
Speaker 3: to help them. Then, you know, I don't know. It's
Speaker 3: just something that I'm trying to work on.
Speaker 1: But it's a program and a conditioning for women. And
Speaker 1: here you are early in your life. Some women don't
Speaker 1: learn it until they're fifty. Some don't learn it until
Speaker 1: they're sixty. Thank you Lord that you're learning it early. Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: and he you know, next time it could be something else.
Speaker 1: It could be a bird. You know. I had a
Speaker 1: partner who loved cigars. He loved cigars, and I don't
Speaker 1: like cigars. The smell in my house, I don't like it.
Speaker 1: And so I said to him, I'm not going to
Speaker 1: tell you not to smoke cigars. I know that float
Speaker 1: your boat. But how can we work this out so
Speaker 1: you're not smoking in the house. I made him a
Speaker 1: little spot outside on the patio downstairs, and go out
Speaker 1: there and smoke, or go to the cigar bar with
Speaker 1: all the other guys. You want to be an officionado,
Speaker 1: go on over there. But I don't want that. I
Speaker 1: even bought smoke candles, so when it was snowing and
Speaker 1: he wanted a cigar, he didn't have to sit outside,
Speaker 1: crack the door, sip out of the door. I don't
Speaker 1: want that smell in my house. So he was willing
Speaker 1: to compromise. I was willing to compromise. I didn't ask
Speaker 1: him not to smoke. But he also said, you know,
Speaker 1: if I got to give him up, I'll give him up,
Speaker 1: or I'll only smoke at the cigar. You didn't smoke
Speaker 1: all day every day. But he'd like to sit down
Speaker 1: with his book and a cigar and whatever. I just
Speaker 1: couldn't take that smell in my house. But he was
Speaker 1: willing to compromise. This guy was not. And it didn't
Speaker 1: get to the point where I had to put my
Speaker 1: foot down and say, you can't smoke that in here,
Speaker 1: because he was willing to compromise.
Speaker 3: I hear you.
Speaker 1: You you're a whipper snapper. He's you know, get the lesson.
Speaker 1: Don't focus on him, and you don't have to stop
Speaker 1: loving him, but you will as soon as you as
Speaker 1: soon as you find a man who's willing to honor
Speaker 1: what's important to you, a man who's willing to compromise,
Speaker 1: a man who's willing to give as well as take,
Speaker 1: and a man who can provide you with a home.
Speaker 1: I don't know what I got to do to teach women.
Speaker 1: Don't move no man into your house. If you have
Speaker 1: to keep your house and rent it out and go
Speaker 1: live in his house, do that. It is the male
Speaker 1: bird that builds the nest. The female bird doesn't build
Speaker 1: the nest. The male bird does. And then she comes
Speaker 1: along and sees the nest and make sure it's so
Speaker 1: sturdy it's not gonna fall off the tree. Branch. The
Speaker 1: babies ain't gonna fall down and racked their head open.
Speaker 1: Once the nests is thirty, then she gives him the nookie.
Speaker 1: She don't give him the nookie until he has the nest. Bill.
Speaker 1: Ask me how I know?
Speaker 3: Ask me how?
Speaker 1: Go ahead, ask me, because I've watched it. I watched it.
Speaker 1: I had a bird building a nest in a little
Speaker 1: hole I have in my garage, And anytime I opened
Speaker 1: my garage door, he would fly out and he would
Speaker 1: go up in that and then as soon as I
Speaker 1: opened the garage door, he would fly back in. Okay,
Speaker 1: And so I said, oh my god, this bird is
Speaker 1: building a nest up here. And so I knew that.
Speaker 1: And once he gets that nest, Bill, he gonna bring
Speaker 1: his girlfriend over and they gonna be making babies up
Speaker 1: in the hole in my garage wall and sold One
Speaker 1: day I came in and he was laying dead in
Speaker 1: the middle of the garage. I said, Oh my god,
Speaker 1: did he get the nest built? Where's the woman? Where's
Speaker 1: the babies. I had to get the ladder and go
Speaker 1: look up in the hole in the garage to see
Speaker 1: if the babies was in there. I didn't know if
Speaker 1: it was the mother or the father. I didn't know
Speaker 1: who it was, but there was no eggs, so I
Speaker 1: guess he never got there. He died building his nest. Okay,
Speaker 1: let the man build a nest and teach him that
Speaker 1: your needs and your wants are as important as his.
Speaker 1: And if he doesn't know that, you may have to
Speaker 1: teach him. And the way you know he has learned
Speaker 1: the lesson is that he's willing to compromise. And don't
Speaker 1: call that boy no more. Don't call it. It's Sam
Speaker 1: his loss, not yours. His loss. Okay, tell me something
Speaker 1: you know now that you didn't know when you called me.
Speaker 1: Oh you're so young. Oh, I'm so excited for you.
Speaker 1: Wait till you see the new kind of breakups. You're
Speaker 1: gonna bust into a Oh there's a whole list of
Speaker 1: wonderfulness just waiting for you, my love. Enjoy it, Enjoy
Speaker 1: the ride. It's a part of being a woman. Enjoy yourself. Okay,
Speaker 1: don't take everything so seriously.
Speaker 3: That's ma'am, Thank you so much.
Speaker 1: All right, my love, Bye, bye, Hi.
Speaker 4: I have a nice day you too.
Speaker 1: Oh my goodness. Twenty six years old and she's learning
Speaker 1: lessons that so many of us women didn't learn until
Speaker 1: we were forty five, and it's harder to take it
Speaker 1: in at forty five. I don't know what I would
Speaker 1: do at forty five if a man chose a dog
Speaker 1: over me. Why do we act like we don't know
Speaker 1: what we do know? That's always a very perplexing question
Speaker 1: for me. Sometimes we act like we don't know it
Speaker 1: because we're afraid to know it. Sometimes we act like
Speaker 1: we don't know it because if we know it, we
Speaker 1: need to know what to do about it, and if
Speaker 1: we don't know what to do about it, it's easier
Speaker 1: to act like we don't know it. Sometimes we act
Speaker 1: like we don't know it because it means that we're
Speaker 1: going to be care fronted with our greatest fear. Nothing ever,
Speaker 1: good can come out of acting like you don't know
Speaker 1: what you do know, because your higher self, your divine mind,
Speaker 1: your spiritual connection to the universe, will always let you
Speaker 1: know what you need to know, and any fear that
Speaker 1: comes up, well that's what you have to work on
Speaker 1: eliminating that fear. But acting like you don't know what
Speaker 1: you do know, it's like a boat that has a
Speaker 1: hole in it and you acting like the water isn't
Speaker 1: coming in. That's exactly what my next caller did. She
Speaker 1: acted like she didn't know what she knew. Here's her
Speaker 1: call Greenning's beloved and welcome to the R Spot. Now,
Speaker 1: what is your relationship challenge, issue, dilemmas, situation circumstance that
Speaker 1: we can explore and examine together today.
Speaker 2: So I'm thirty one. My husband is thirty one as well.
Speaker 2: We've been married since twenty eighteen. I have I have
Speaker 2: three girls all together. My oldest ecleven, middle is eight,
Speaker 2: and we just had a baby Valentine's Date last year.
Speaker 2: My first two are not his, but he's been in
Speaker 2: our lives since my second one was about seven months old.
Speaker 2: We divorced once in twenty twenty, remarried in twenty twenty one,
Speaker 2: and now I'm at the point again where I'm contemplating divorced.
Speaker 2: We had two incidents where I found out he was
Speaker 2: attempting to pay for sex and the beginning when I
Speaker 2: first revealed I was pregnant. Also when I was eight
Speaker 2: and a half months pregnant, and I don't know. One day,
Speaker 2: I just woke up and a light went off and
Speaker 2: I was like, I can't do this. Anymore, But I'm
Speaker 2: stuck in between stands for the children. I'm very well
Speaker 2: that the little girl inside of me that has always
Speaker 2: wanted a family has has kept me a relationship that
Speaker 2: I probably should have not stayed in. And I'm just
Speaker 2: really confused.
Speaker 1: Okay, I don't think you're confused. I think you're scared.
Speaker 1: But that's just my assessment.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I believe that.
Speaker 1: Why did you divorce the first time?
Speaker 2: He has a child that lived in Jacksonville, Florida, and
Speaker 2: I'm originally we're both from the I've been in Houston
Speaker 2: for a very long time. Jacksonville is where he grew
Speaker 2: up at, so his daughter was there, and he wanted to,
Speaker 2: you know, be closer to his daughter, and you know,
Speaker 2: he wanted us to get joint custody. So I picked
Speaker 2: up my children and I moved to Jacksonville for him
Speaker 2: to help him get joint custody of his daughter. And
Speaker 2: in the midst of all that, I felt like he
Speaker 2: wasn't putting the marriage first. So I told him I
Speaker 2: was leaving and coming back home to Houston. And so
Speaker 2: I left because I didn't feel like I was a
Speaker 2: priority where we were a priority anymore. Because he was
Speaker 2: there with his daughter, and I just I felt like
Speaker 2: he gave us a back seat.
Speaker 1: And there was no way of compromise or negotiation about
Speaker 1: what you required or what you were requesting. You just left.
Speaker 2: I asked to go to counseling, didn't want to go
Speaker 2: to counseling, and so I said, okay, well going home,
Speaker 2: and so I took my children and I left.
Speaker 1: So you're a run.
Speaker 2: I would like to tell myself that I just don't
Speaker 2: take a lot of stuff.
Speaker 1: But well, but you were married. That's a commitment, and
Speaker 1: with that commitment there comes cooperation, compromise, communication. You don't
Speaker 1: just pick up and run because things aren't going the
Speaker 1: way you want them to go.
Speaker 2: Mhm.
Speaker 1: Unless you know that this was a mistake from the beginning. Yeah, yeah, what.
Speaker 2: I knew that it was a mistake of me going
Speaker 2: there in the beginning, but I still went.
Speaker 1: Oh, okay, so there we go. Betrayal, You betrayed yourself? Yeah,
Speaker 1: uh huh. So what is it that made you remarry?
Speaker 2: Because I want I still wanted to have a family.
Speaker 2: We got on the plane of Jacksonville, went and visited him,
Speaker 2: and we went to a hotel. We sat in the
Speaker 2: bed and we talked about all the issues we thought
Speaker 2: we had and that we were ready to move forward.
Speaker 2: So he came back to Houston in February of twenty
Speaker 2: twenty one and me to work on our family and
Speaker 2: get everything back to a norm and then we got remarried.
Speaker 1: But you'd never really resolve the challenge that led to
Speaker 1: the divorce in the first place, which was y'all didn't
Speaker 1: have conflict resolution. Just because you talked about it doesn't
Speaker 1: mean that the problem was resolved. If he went to
Speaker 1: Jacksonville to get joint custody of his daughter, but now
Speaker 1: he's back in Houston's So what happened to the daughter?
Speaker 2: Well, we were successful with court stuff and he came
Speaker 2: back here and then her mom was like, well, I
Speaker 2: don't want to keep putting her back and forth in
Speaker 2: plane on planes for visitation and whatnot, So I'm going
Speaker 2: to move to Houston. I'm ready to leave Jacksonville anyway.
Speaker 2: So now they're here and the daughter is with us
Speaker 2: Monday through Friday and they stay like down the street
Speaker 2: from us.
Speaker 1: Okay, okay, But the challenge that led to the divorce
Speaker 1: in the first place, do you get that that was
Speaker 1: not resolved, which was your feeling of not being a priority.
Speaker 2: Yeah, ma'am.
Speaker 1: Okay. Then I heard you say tempting to pay for sex.
Speaker 1: We'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back,
Speaker 1: I am, yam, lend this is the ur spot a
Speaker 1: tempting to pay for sex? What does that mean?
Speaker 3: So his his.
Speaker 2: Birthday in August of twenty twenty one, So the same
Speaker 2: week we got remarried and got back together, I was pregnant.
Speaker 2: I gave him a surprise birthday party and rebuilt the pregnancy.
Speaker 2: In the midst of the party going on, I walked
Speaker 2: in the house and saw his phone lit up, and
Speaker 2: I thought, well, Teddy raised all his brows of history
Speaker 2: and everything. But I saw that he asked a woman
Speaker 2: I guess, like how much it would cost for her
Speaker 2: to come to him. I'm not sure if he knew that.
Speaker 2: You know, when you delete stuff in your iPhone, that
Speaker 2: doesn't mean is deleted from your watch or your iPad.
Speaker 2: So I left the party because we lived like ten
Speaker 2: minutes from where the party was, and came home and
Speaker 2: looked in his watch and I saw all the text
Speaker 2: message where he was texting numerous women asking how much
Speaker 2: they were gonna charge. I went back to the party.
Speaker 2: I didn't make us mean, I didn't do any thing.
Speaker 2: I just kind of boxed it up like I already
Speaker 2: do and moved on. And then my birthday of twenty
Speaker 2: twenty two, which is in January. I was due in February.
Speaker 2: We woke up on my birthday. He was gonna make
Speaker 2: me breakfast, but he realized we didn't have something, and
Speaker 2: Kroger is like five minutes from our house and he left.
Speaker 2: About two hours go by, he's still not back. I
Speaker 2: checked his location and see he's at an apartment complex
Speaker 2: and here we are back again, and he came home.
Speaker 2: We argued about it. I asked, you know, what is wrong?
Speaker 2: What is the issue? Why do you feel like you
Speaker 2: have to do this? And I kind of just boxed
Speaker 2: that up. Had my baby the next month and weeks ago.
Speaker 2: I woke up and I just was like, I don't
Speaker 2: know if I can do this anymore.
Speaker 1: So let me ask you a question, my love. What
Speaker 1: are you acting like you don't know? Start here? I'm
Speaker 1: acting like I don't know.
Speaker 2: Oh, that what he did was wrong, and that I.
Speaker 1: What did he do? What did he do?
Speaker 2: He stepped out on the marriage?
Speaker 1: Okay, not just that he stepped out on the marriage. Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: I'm acting like I don't know he can't be trusted. Okay,
Speaker 1: what else are you acting like? I don't know? You
Speaker 1: don't know.
Speaker 2: I'm acting like I don't know. I deserve better?
Speaker 1: Okay, what else? How about I don't want to be
Speaker 1: in this do you know that? How about that?
Speaker 2: Honestly, sometimes I want to fix it and then sometimes
Speaker 2: I don't.
Speaker 1: So you want to fix a marriage with a man
Speaker 1: who can't be trusted, who doesn't give you what you deserve,
Speaker 1: A man who may have some type of problem or
Speaker 1: issue to the degree that he feels he has to
Speaker 1: buy sex, A man who's sleeping with other women that
Speaker 1: you don't know and bringing that energy back into your home.
Speaker 1: You're acting like you don't.
Speaker 2: Know that he said that. He actually he never did anything.
Speaker 2: He never intended And when I asked what was the
Speaker 2: reason why, he said it. Because he wanted to get
Speaker 2: back at me for leaving him in Jacksonville. That was
Speaker 2: his reason.
Speaker 1: So you're acting like you don't know. This is a
Speaker 1: man who seeks revenge.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you're acting like you don't know. This is a
Speaker 1: man you can't depend on. You're acting like you don't
Speaker 1: know this as a man who doesn't honor his word.
Speaker 2: And I know that a lot of it has to
Speaker 2: do not wanting to tear my family apart because I
Speaker 2: never had that as a child.
Speaker 1: It doesn't have anything to do with now. You're not
Speaker 1: a child. You're a grown woman raising two put future
Speaker 1: women to future mother to future wives. So you're setting
Speaker 1: in three Okay, you got three girls, so you're setting
Speaker 1: an example, and you're being a demonstration for them of
Speaker 1: how a woman handles herself, particularly for the eleven year
Speaker 1: old who's getting ready to go into her tween years,
Speaker 1: her princess years. But she's watching you very closely. So
Speaker 1: let me ask you this question. Is this the man
Speaker 1: that you want to spend the rest of your life with?
Speaker 1: And please don't tell me you don't know. I don't
Speaker 1: care what the answer is, but I don't know. Means
Speaker 1: I don't want to talk about it. Is this the
Speaker 1: man that you want to spend the rest of your
Speaker 1: life with? Take a breath and whatever the answer is,
Speaker 1: will work through it.
Speaker 2: No, Okay, got more?
Speaker 1: And it sounds to me I could be wrong. I'm
Speaker 1: willing to be wrong. It sounds to me that you
Speaker 1: are confronted with a common issue that many women face,
Speaker 1: and that is I don't want to acknowledge, or admit
Speaker 1: or confront myself with I made a mistake. So let
Speaker 1: me just see how I can make this work. Rather
Speaker 1: than acknowledge I made a mistake.
Speaker 2: I agree.
Speaker 1: Oh oops, Oops, I made a mistake. Oops, And now
Speaker 1: I've brought another life into this. Oops, made a mistake.
Speaker 1: Now what do I do? And that it doesn't mean
Speaker 1: he's a bad person.
Speaker 2: And that's the thing that makes it hard harder.
Speaker 1: No, that's another thing that you tell yourself makes it hard.
Speaker 1: So suppose you got in a boat and you went out.
Speaker 1: It's a lovely day, You've got the girls with you,
Speaker 1: you got on your your nice boating hat, your nice
Speaker 1: boating dress, and the boat begins to leak. There's a
Speaker 1: little tiny hole and the water's coming in just a
Speaker 1: little bit, you know, not even covering what you're gonna do.
Speaker 1: You're gonna stay in the boat. Oh what you're gonna do?
Speaker 4: Give me and my children and try to say this, okay,
Speaker 4: Why why don't you just stay in the boat and
Speaker 4: let the water come up and see maybe it'll get better.
Speaker 2: Why don't you do that number work because I can't swim.
Speaker 1: Okay, good answer. So you have to take care of yourself.
Speaker 1: You have to protect yourself and protect your children. Now
Speaker 1: here's the thing that I want you to really sit
Speaker 1: with and understand. It's not that he's buying sex. It's
Speaker 1: not that he can't be trusted, and not that he
Speaker 1: seeks revenge. It's not that you can't depend on him.
Speaker 1: It's not that he doesn't honor his word. It's that
Speaker 1: you made a mistake in the first place. If you
Speaker 1: want to know the end, look at the beginning. What
Speaker 1: did you dismiss, ignore, deny, act like you didn't know
Speaker 1: in the beginning, because that's where you made the error.
Speaker 2: That he was a liar.
Speaker 1: Yes, oh well go look at that lie a liah
Speaker 1: pants on fire. And why did you ignore that? Why
Speaker 1: did you dismiss that, diminish that. Why did you act
Speaker 1: like you didn't know that?
Speaker 2: I think because I wanted him to be different. I
Speaker 2: had hopes that he was different.
Speaker 1: Okay, so you denied your intuition, you denied your GPS,
Speaker 1: what I called God's protective system. God will show us
Speaker 1: things that we need to see so that we can
Speaker 1: make the right turn. Or the right decision so that
Speaker 1: we can get out the boat before it's full of water.
Speaker 1: You ignored that, you denied that and married him anyway?
Speaker 1: Why'd you do that?
Speaker 2: I wanted a family who was here for my children,
Speaker 2: and I wanted to be married.
Speaker 1: Okay. You wanted somebody to choose you because the first
Speaker 1: two men for whom you had children or the man
Speaker 1: do they have the same father? Your first two? Okay,
Speaker 1: So finally you wanted somebody to choose you, and he
Speaker 1: was available. Oops, a liar chose you. Oops. You denied
Speaker 1: your intuition. Oops. You acted like you didn't know the truth. Oops.
Speaker 1: You dishonored yourself oops.
Speaker 2: Yes.
Speaker 1: Oops. Yeah, And as a woman who had three different
Speaker 1: three children by three different men, I know that shame,
Speaker 1: that guilt, that fear that nobody's gonna want me. So
Speaker 1: whoever shows up and acts like they want me, I'm
Speaker 1: going to ignore all the warning signs and do whatever
Speaker 1: I can to make this work so that I feel
Speaker 1: better about myself. Now, that's just my story. It don't
Speaker 1: have to be your story. Yes, and this is not
Speaker 1: the man I want to spend the rest of my
Speaker 1: life with because he cannot be trusted isn't honor his word.
Speaker 1: I cannot depend on him. He has a tendency to
Speaker 1: seek revenge and I deserve better, and I'm acting like
Speaker 1: I don't know that.
Speaker 2: True.
Speaker 1: So the question isn't should I leave? The question is
Speaker 1: how do I leave in a way that honors me
Speaker 1: and who I am.
Speaker 2: He's going back to Jacksonville. I found out last night.
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, oh, you found out last night. So this
Speaker 1: is your husband who's made a decision to move away
Speaker 1: from the state of your marital home. He's already made
Speaker 1: that decision.
Speaker 2: Is that I already move in? I filled for the divorce.
Speaker 2: He was already moving, but it was going to be
Speaker 2: to an apartment close, not too far from us. But
Speaker 2: he was on the phone last night with a friend praying,
Speaker 2: and I ended up walking in and heard that he
Speaker 2: had had a job interview and that he had decided
Speaker 2: to go back to Jacksonville. And when I asked him
Speaker 2: why he didn't tell me, he said because he didn't
Speaker 2: want me to be upset, Like.
Speaker 1: What, this is a man you can't depend on. So
Speaker 1: the daughter that you went to Jacksonville with him so
Speaker 1: he could have custody of is now living in Houston
Speaker 1: and he's going back to Jacksonville.
Speaker 2: Yes. I don't think he's told her mom. Her mom
Speaker 2: is either, so I don't know what they're going to do.
Speaker 1: Run for your life, do you hear me? Yes, ma'am,
Speaker 1: running for your life. Maybe his only purpose in your
Speaker 1: life was to support you in bringing forth your baby girl. Whatever,
Speaker 1: oops made a mistake. Let me get out of here, yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1: And I want to encourage you to really either get
Speaker 1: some help, spend some time focus on healing up the
Speaker 1: fear of being alone and the fear that you won't
Speaker 1: ever have the family that you desire. You have the family,
Speaker 1: you just have to build it in a different way.
Speaker 1: Work with your therapists around creating your exit plan. You're
Speaker 1: not divorcing this man. You're standing up for yourself, yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1: And you're correcting a mistake, that's all. You're correcting a mistake.
Speaker 1: And there will be consequences. But oh well, tell me
Speaker 1: something you know now, Tell me something you know now
Speaker 1: that you didn't know when we started talking.
Speaker 2: I'm struggling it, I think, I am.
Speaker 1: Mm hmm, how about this. I made a mistake, and
Speaker 1: I forgive myself.
Speaker 2: Yes, I forgive myself. Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm going to course correct. I'm going to course correct.
Speaker 1: I made a mistake. I acted like I didn't know
Speaker 1: what I knew.
Speaker 2: Yes, ma'am, thank you so much.
Speaker 1: You are so welcome, my beloved. Let me know how
Speaker 1: you make out. Okay, okay, bye bye Wow. Life will
Speaker 1: always bring us what we need to know. Sometimes it
Speaker 1: brings it to us because it's time for us to
Speaker 1: heal or grow. And sometimes it brings us what we
Speaker 1: need to know so that we can heal all the
Speaker 1: feelings attached to knowing something, but acting like you don't
Speaker 1: know what you do know, that's a problem and it's
Speaker 1: going to be a problem. So when you know something
Speaker 1: that you don't want to know, when you know something
Speaker 1: that frightens you, when you know something that stirs up
Speaker 1: all sorts of feelings for you, sit down, take a
Speaker 1: deep breath, and give your self permission to walk through
Speaker 1: the fear, the anger, the upset, whatever comes up, so
Speaker 1: that you can begin to know what it is that's
Speaker 1: going on inside that's showing up on the outside. I
Speaker 1: hope this has been helpful to someone, And if you
Speaker 1: have a question about this or any other relationship issue.
Speaker 1: You can call me live at seven seven five three
Speaker 1: zero seven seven seven six eight now be sure to
Speaker 1: follow me on social media for all of the calling times,
Speaker 1: and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The
Speaker 1: R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
Speaker 1: favorite shows.