1 00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:05,280 Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the 2 00:00:05,360 --> 00:00:08,400 Speaker 1: fact that I was not always good at making my 3 00:00:08,520 --> 00:00:12,760 Speaker 1: relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from 4 00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:15,680 Speaker 1: the same person. In other words, I have seen a 5 00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:20,320 Speaker 1: lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I 6 00:00:20,360 --> 00:00:23,759 Speaker 1: am here to share with you what I learned along 7 00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:27,159 Speaker 1: the way because I did take copious notes. Welcome to 8 00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:31,320 Speaker 1: the R Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership 9 00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:50,560 Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. People think that communication is the biggest issue 10 00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:54,320 Speaker 1: in relationships, and I want to offer that there's another 11 00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:59,000 Speaker 1: C word that we need to really take seriously and 12 00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:02,520 Speaker 1: put into practice in our relationships, and that C word 13 00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:07,639 Speaker 1: is compromise. You give a little, I give a little, 14 00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:12,039 Speaker 1: You take a little, I take a little. Compromise leads 15 00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:20,840 Speaker 1: to cooperation, and cooperation leads to harmony and cohesiveness. But 16 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:24,560 Speaker 1: when there is no willingness to compromise, there's going to 17 00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:29,600 Speaker 1: be problems because without compromise, someone is going to have 18 00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:35,720 Speaker 1: to sacrifice themselves or what's important to them in order 19 00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:41,479 Speaker 1: to remain in the relationship. And sacrifice is the lowest 20 00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:47,319 Speaker 1: level of compromise. It vibrates at a very low level, 21 00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:51,520 Speaker 1: which means it's going to lead to resentment and bitterness, 22 00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:59,520 Speaker 1: anger and break up. Compromise has to be there because 23 00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:04,000 Speaker 1: what compromise says is that your needs and your wants 24 00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:09,240 Speaker 1: are as important as mine, and because you matter to me, 25 00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:14,560 Speaker 1: I'm willing to work this thing out now. If you 26 00:02:14,639 --> 00:02:17,680 Speaker 1: can't communicate that, you're going to have a problem. But 27 00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:24,000 Speaker 1: compromise is important, and that's exactly where my caller is today. 28 00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:31,720 Speaker 1: Let's take a listen. Good afternoon, beloved, Welcome to the 29 00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:35,440 Speaker 1: R spot And what is your relationship challenge, issue dilemma 30 00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:37,080 Speaker 1: that we can work through today? 31 00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:38,800 Speaker 2: Hello? 32 00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:39,600 Speaker 3: How are you? 33 00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:42,440 Speaker 1: I'm good good. 34 00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:45,200 Speaker 3: This is really awesome talking to you. By the way, 35 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:49,440 Speaker 3: I thought I should let you know that pose calling 36 00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:54,800 Speaker 3: because I recently, well it's been about a year, have 37 00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:58,400 Speaker 3: gone through a breakup, my first breakup. I'm twenty six 38 00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:03,440 Speaker 3: years old. I did live with my partner. We were 39 00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:09,799 Speaker 3: together for about eight months before I ended it the relationship, 40 00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:13,600 Speaker 3: and I've just been having a lot of feelings of 41 00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:20,040 Speaker 3: regret just because as time went by. I guess you 42 00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:23,000 Speaker 3: could say the longest we went without talking during the 43 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:28,960 Speaker 3: breakup was a month, and this last November, I made 44 00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:31,320 Speaker 3: the decision to reach out to him one final time, 45 00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:37,200 Speaker 3: just explaining how I felt throughout the relationship and what 46 00:03:37,280 --> 00:03:40,640 Speaker 3: I could work on, what we could fix to possibly 47 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:45,120 Speaker 3: get back together. And I sent him this long I 48 00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:48,160 Speaker 3: guess you could call it a letter even and he 49 00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:51,480 Speaker 3: did not respond to me, and to me, I felt 50 00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:54,040 Speaker 3: like we were breaking up all over again. All the 51 00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:58,120 Speaker 3: emotions came back up, and in the message, I did 52 00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:00,680 Speaker 3: let him know it's not fair to me because I 53 00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:04,600 Speaker 3: felt like he was being very wishy washy and I 54 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:07,760 Speaker 3: just wanted to move on from this situation. One minute 55 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:10,720 Speaker 3: he's hot, he tells me that he misses me, he 56 00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:14,560 Speaker 3: loves me. The next minute he ignores plans that we make. 57 00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:18,560 Speaker 3: So in the message, I let him know I will 58 00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:22,479 Speaker 3: need to cut off communication with him, and I sent 59 00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:25,800 Speaker 3: him that message. I waited twenty four hours and he 60 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:30,160 Speaker 3: never responded to me and to me, you know, respond 61 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:34,760 Speaker 3: to the response. So I deleted his number, I blocked 62 00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:38,040 Speaker 3: him off of social media. But I'm having such a 63 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:42,040 Speaker 3: hard time being okay with that decision because I still 64 00:04:42,080 --> 00:04:44,880 Speaker 3: care about him, and I just don't know what I'm doing. 65 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:47,880 Speaker 3: It's like one minute I'm okay and I've processed the 66 00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:51,560 Speaker 3: feelings and the next minute, I'm crying or I see 67 00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:54,760 Speaker 3: things that remind me of him and it makes me sad. 68 00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:58,839 Speaker 3: So I just don't know what I'm doing, or I 69 00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:01,440 Speaker 3: don't know why I'm so regretting. The decision that I 70 00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:05,600 Speaker 3: made is my I guess, you know, questions like how 71 00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:08,040 Speaker 3: do I move on from that or accept that? 72 00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:09,159 Speaker 2: Necessarily? 73 00:05:10,839 --> 00:05:14,760 Speaker 1: Well, okay, then did he move in with you? Or 74 00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:16,000 Speaker 1: you move in with him? 75 00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:19,800 Speaker 3: He moves in with me at the time. 76 00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:28,400 Speaker 1: First mistake, first mistake, First mistake with you, first mistake. 77 00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:34,960 Speaker 3: I was always aver let that happen, and I did. 78 00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:41,600 Speaker 1: So. Yeah, yeah, okay, first mistake as a woman. You 79 00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:46,039 Speaker 1: got to let the man build the nest. He can't 80 00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:48,560 Speaker 1: build you a nest. He's not worthy of your time, 81 00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:54,800 Speaker 1: energy and attention. I'm sorry, you're twenty six years old. Yeah, 82 00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:58,120 Speaker 1: he's got to create the nest. That's number one. Number two, 83 00:05:58,839 --> 00:06:01,680 Speaker 1: why did you break up? Why did you ask him 84 00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:03,120 Speaker 1: to leave the nest? 85 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:09,200 Speaker 3: So he moved in with a dog. Okay, you might 86 00:06:09,240 --> 00:06:13,000 Speaker 3: think I'm crazy, but from where I'm from, I'm originally 87 00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:19,720 Speaker 3: from the Ivory. Coats and dogs or pets are typically outside. 88 00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:23,280 Speaker 3: They guard the home. They're never inside and I knew 89 00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:25,400 Speaker 3: this coming in that he was moving in with a dog, 90 00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:28,800 Speaker 3: and I asked myself, like, here, are you okay with that? 91 00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:30,880 Speaker 3: And in my head, I was like, well, I've never 92 00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:33,960 Speaker 3: lived with a pet. I really care about this person, 93 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:38,720 Speaker 3: and I'm willing to compromise and make the adjustment because 94 00:06:38,839 --> 00:06:41,640 Speaker 3: I'm kind of seeing the dog once in a while, 95 00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:45,279 Speaker 3: I'm getting used to him, and just that whole time, 96 00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:48,560 Speaker 3: I don't know what it is, and I thought, really 97 00:06:48,839 --> 00:06:52,800 Speaker 3: crazy about it is that I was very overwhelmed by 98 00:06:52,839 --> 00:06:56,880 Speaker 3: his dog. And it's just like normal dog stuff, the sniffing, 99 00:06:57,000 --> 00:07:01,719 Speaker 3: the licking, the bark gate just like his presence overwhelmed me, 100 00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:06,560 Speaker 3: and I let him know about it. The dog was 101 00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:08,440 Speaker 3: sleeping with us. I mean, it was to the point 102 00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:10,960 Speaker 3: where I was letting the dog sleep on the bed, 103 00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:13,600 Speaker 3: letting the dog get on the couch because that's what 104 00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:16,760 Speaker 3: the dog was used to. And it kind of got 105 00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:20,280 Speaker 3: to the point where I felt like I was sacrificing 106 00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:24,560 Speaker 3: my happiness in my own home to accommodate other people. 107 00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:28,600 Speaker 3: And there were times where I would spend a night 108 00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:31,040 Speaker 3: over my parents just so that the dog would be 109 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:33,400 Speaker 3: I guess that you would say free to kind of 110 00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:36,440 Speaker 3: roam around and not feel like he has to sleep 111 00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:39,840 Speaker 3: in a cage. So it was just overwhelming, and I 112 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:43,400 Speaker 3: don't know why I tried. I would take them on walks, 113 00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:45,600 Speaker 3: I would take him to the vent. I would do 114 00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:48,760 Speaker 3: things with his dog to try to get used to him, 115 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:52,200 Speaker 3: but it felt very forced, and it got to the 116 00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:55,360 Speaker 3: point where I was starting to resent him. And that's 117 00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:58,240 Speaker 3: when I started pulling back because I was like, this 118 00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:01,320 Speaker 3: guy is a great guy. We don't have any issues. 119 00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:03,880 Speaker 3: We don't have there's nothing else going on. But I 120 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:08,920 Speaker 3: can't get used to his dog. And I basically have 121 00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:13,440 Speaker 3: this thought process of who in my you know to 122 00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:15,440 Speaker 3: ever tell someone, hey, you need to get rid of 123 00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:15,920 Speaker 3: your pet. 124 00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:16,800 Speaker 1: No. 125 00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:22,080 Speaker 3: So I decided to remove myself because I just felt 126 00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:24,280 Speaker 3: like it wasn't even fair for me to even. 127 00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:24,880 Speaker 1: Act some that. 128 00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:28,360 Speaker 3: But yeah, there was nothing wrong with him, It was 129 00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:30,600 Speaker 3: just the living conditions, per se. 130 00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:36,080 Speaker 1: Boy, you really convinced yourself of that one. Why can't 131 00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:38,040 Speaker 1: it simply be you don't want to live with a dog, 132 00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:41,400 Speaker 1: so he needs to live over there with his dog 133 00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:45,480 Speaker 1: and you need to live in your house? Yes, ma'am, 134 00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:48,240 Speaker 1: why can't it be you said there were no problems 135 00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:51,760 Speaker 1: between you there was a huge problem between you. Do 136 00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:54,040 Speaker 1: you have any idea what that problem is. 137 00:08:55,640 --> 00:09:01,240 Speaker 3: Or? Honestly, when I say think back about it, is 138 00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:06,040 Speaker 3: just I just could not I could not get used 139 00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:10,800 Speaker 3: to that, and I felt like I compromised, he compromised, 140 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,040 Speaker 3: but I was just unhappy. 141 00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:15,760 Speaker 1: Here's the bottom line. Here's the bottom line. He chose 142 00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:19,200 Speaker 1: the dog over you. And a kind of way to 143 00:09:19,280 --> 00:09:22,640 Speaker 1: say that is what mattered to you didn't matter to him. 144 00:09:23,679 --> 00:09:29,160 Speaker 1: I'm sorry, Yeah, what mattered to you didn't matter to him. 145 00:09:29,679 --> 00:09:30,840 Speaker 1: That's a huge problem. 146 00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:36,440 Speaker 3: Yeah, But is it fair to say that when he 147 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:40,680 Speaker 3: had I mean, he had his dog prior to meeting me, Like, 148 00:09:40,679 --> 00:09:44,360 Speaker 3: wouldn't it be selfish on my part to ask him that? 149 00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:49,360 Speaker 1: Well? Yeah, but you know what, Yes, you didn't have 150 00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:51,480 Speaker 1: to ask him to get rid of the dog. It's 151 00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:54,800 Speaker 1: another simple statement. I can't live with a dog, so 152 00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:56,840 Speaker 1: you're gonna have to You and the dog are gonna 153 00:09:56,840 --> 00:09:59,760 Speaker 1: have to live somewhere else. And if that means the 154 00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:02,600 Speaker 1: end of us, oh well, I just I can't do it. 155 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:07,960 Speaker 1: I don't choose that for myself. And that's okay. Yeah, 156 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:10,360 Speaker 1: you don't have the thing for him. This matters to me, 157 00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:15,400 Speaker 1: It matters to me and I matter, and I know 158 00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:17,760 Speaker 1: you love your dog. I could never ask you to 159 00:10:17,760 --> 00:10:19,440 Speaker 1: get rid of your dog. But I can't live with 160 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:22,400 Speaker 1: a dog. But you moved in a man who was 161 00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:25,559 Speaker 1: bringing something that you didn't want. Why did you do that? 162 00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:31,439 Speaker 3: I didn't know that I didn't want it necessarily because 163 00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:35,960 Speaker 3: I had never experienced it. Because I have friends and 164 00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:38,480 Speaker 3: you know, family members who have dogs, and I'm like, oh, 165 00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:40,079 Speaker 3: if they can do it, I can do it. It's 166 00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:45,280 Speaker 3: not you know, it doesn't look that bad. And it 167 00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:47,720 Speaker 3: was just one of those things where I had the space. 168 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:51,240 Speaker 3: He didn't like his living conditions, and I was like, sure, 169 00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:56,080 Speaker 3: let's you know, our relationship is progressing. Obviously, if we 170 00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:58,959 Speaker 3: see the future together, I'm going to have to live 171 00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:02,160 Speaker 3: with your dog as so point is what my thought 172 00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:06,760 Speaker 3: process was. And then it just got overwhelming to the 173 00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:10,840 Speaker 3: point where I just could not stand to be in 174 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:11,640 Speaker 3: the house. 175 00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:12,040 Speaker 2: With the dog. 176 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:14,040 Speaker 1: And what did he say about that? 177 00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:16,520 Speaker 3: The first time I brought it up, he told me 178 00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:19,840 Speaker 3: it didn't matter to me that I didn't like his dog, 179 00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:24,040 Speaker 3: because I wasn't mean to him, and it was just like, 180 00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:26,679 Speaker 3: it's just one of those things we'll keep working on, 181 00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:30,520 Speaker 3: and one of the compromises he made is that he 182 00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:34,760 Speaker 3: let the dog sleek downstairs in the cage because the 183 00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:37,000 Speaker 3: dog was sleeping with us, And I felt really guilty 184 00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:41,400 Speaker 3: about that because I was here, I am again changing 185 00:11:41,559 --> 00:11:45,400 Speaker 3: the dog's routine, I guess, if you want to say so. 186 00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:47,000 Speaker 3: So there was a lot of stuff, a lot of 187 00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:53,960 Speaker 3: the adjustments he made for me I felt guilty about. Well, 188 00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:56,160 Speaker 3: that's all. I was like, I need to remove myself, 189 00:11:56,200 --> 00:12:00,000 Speaker 3: like I can't keep doing that to him and his dog, 190 00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:04,040 Speaker 3: which he considered family, and then putting my happiness on 191 00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:07,600 Speaker 3: the line. So that's why I just kind of went 192 00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:08,480 Speaker 3: in ahead and just. 193 00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:14,920 Speaker 1: So he moved out, and that's what ended the relationship. 194 00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:19,000 Speaker 3: Yes, he moved out because in his mind, he just 195 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,319 Speaker 3: if you can't live with my dog, I come with 196 00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:26,160 Speaker 3: my dog. And that's just it kind of situation. 197 00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:31,400 Speaker 1: So what matters to you doesn't matter to him. Yes, 198 00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:33,600 Speaker 1: he's putting his needs first. 199 00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:38,520 Speaker 3: Yes, I never saw it like that, but yes, ma'am. 200 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:41,280 Speaker 1: Well there you go. Is that the kind of relationship 201 00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:43,720 Speaker 1: you want to be in? In relationship with a man 202 00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:46,920 Speaker 1: who puts his needs first. I don't care that he's 203 00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:49,520 Speaker 1: a nice guy, and you don't have to stop loving him, 204 00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:55,280 Speaker 1: but you do have to vote for you. Yeah, because 205 00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:57,240 Speaker 1: it could be a dog, it could be a cat, 206 00:12:57,600 --> 00:13:02,840 Speaker 1: it could be a child, it could be anything. So 207 00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:08,400 Speaker 1: early in your life you're learning I matter what matters 208 00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:12,200 Speaker 1: to me matters, and if what matters to me doesn't 209 00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:15,680 Speaker 1: matter to you, then this is not the relationship for me. 210 00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:17,679 Speaker 1: I don't have to stop loving you, but I got 211 00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:22,600 Speaker 1: a place to reality that you're putting your needs above mine. 212 00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:26,800 Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm just having a hard time. I don't know, 213 00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:32,880 Speaker 3: is because he was the first he was. Yeah, I'm 214 00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:37,880 Speaker 3: having and I just feel like I just I'm blockie, 215 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:43,360 Speaker 3: I'm deleting numbers like and I just cannot move on 216 00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:46,520 Speaker 3: from it. I'm open to dating, like I've been dating 217 00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:49,600 Speaker 3: since we broke up, but it just feels it doesn't 218 00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:53,040 Speaker 3: feel right, And I mean, it's just like I don't 219 00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:56,800 Speaker 3: know how to move on past the decision that I 220 00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:57,480 Speaker 3: that I. 221 00:13:57,559 --> 00:14:03,680 Speaker 1: Made because you're taking to responsibility. Here's the bottom line. 222 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:07,480 Speaker 1: You were You are in love with a man who 223 00:14:07,559 --> 00:14:10,720 Speaker 1: chose a dog over you. That doesn't make him bad, 224 00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:14,800 Speaker 1: doesn't make him wrong. That was his choice. So the 225 00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:19,280 Speaker 1: question becomes, what are you choosing? Are you choosing a 226 00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:24,080 Speaker 1: man who makes what he wants more important than what 227 00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:26,840 Speaker 1: you want. What would have happened had you been allergic 228 00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:31,520 Speaker 1: to the dog? Yeah, I mean you're emotionally allergic, but 229 00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:34,720 Speaker 1: not physically. But what would have happened had you had 230 00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:38,320 Speaker 1: an allergy to the dog? Would he have insisted the 231 00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:42,000 Speaker 1: dog be there? First of all, let me just say this. 232 00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:45,480 Speaker 1: You're talking eight months. You're not talking eight years. You're 233 00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:48,720 Speaker 1: talking eight months. And if you were pregnant and having 234 00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:51,520 Speaker 1: a child, you got to carry that child for nine months. 235 00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:54,400 Speaker 1: A child born at eight months would end up in 236 00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:59,720 Speaker 1: the incubator, needing special care. So your relationship was in 237 00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:03,680 Speaker 1: an incubator. It needed special care, and he wasn't willing 238 00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:07,000 Speaker 1: to give the care that was required to maintain the relationship. 239 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:10,400 Speaker 1: If you don't put a child born at eight months 240 00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:13,200 Speaker 1: in the incubator and give it special care, it's going 241 00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:16,560 Speaker 1: to die. And that's exactly what happened. Why would you 242 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:21,640 Speaker 1: want a man that makes his needs and choices more 243 00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:27,800 Speaker 1: important than yours? Doesn't make him a bad person. Clearly 244 00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:29,280 Speaker 1: he's not the right person. 245 00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:36,280 Speaker 3: Yeah, I think I've been carrying the weight because or 246 00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:41,960 Speaker 3: the responsibility, because I was the one who ended it, 247 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:47,360 Speaker 3: and I just because I saw how he reacted to 248 00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:50,200 Speaker 3: the breakup and it was like, you. 249 00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:53,440 Speaker 1: Weren't the one who ended it. I'm sorry. I can't 250 00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:56,640 Speaker 1: let you do that. I can't support you in that. 251 00:15:57,240 --> 00:16:01,280 Speaker 1: You were not the one who ended it. You were not. 252 00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:06,280 Speaker 1: He made a choice and you made a choice, and 253 00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:11,640 Speaker 1: the choices were not congruent. His choice was she got 254 00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:15,760 Speaker 1: to take me and the dog. Your choice was I'm 255 00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:18,520 Speaker 1: not willing to live with a dog, and those two 256 00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:23,840 Speaker 1: choices were incongruent. He has equal responsibility in the ending 257 00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:27,240 Speaker 1: of the relationship. Why are you taking it all on 258 00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:30,400 Speaker 1: and why are you telling yourself that he's the only 259 00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:31,440 Speaker 1: one that's gonna want you. 260 00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:36,440 Speaker 3: I think I'm telling myself that. Honestly, I think it's 261 00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:42,080 Speaker 3: because he's my first boyfriend. He's not. He wasn't my first. 262 00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:43,200 Speaker 2: Let's say that, but he said it. 263 00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:47,360 Speaker 1: He said it first boy friend, not a man partner, 264 00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:50,520 Speaker 1: because a boy is going to insist that things be 265 00:16:50,640 --> 00:16:55,640 Speaker 1: his way. You don't want a boyfriend. You want a 266 00:16:55,680 --> 00:17:00,080 Speaker 1: man that's willing to to stand up for himself and 267 00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:02,920 Speaker 1: for you. And I'm not making this guy wrong for 268 00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:07,159 Speaker 1: his dog, but if you really mattered, he would have 269 00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:15,600 Speaker 1: done something else. Including stay in his own house. If 270 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:21,000 Speaker 1: he loves a woman who is not willing or able 271 00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:26,320 Speaker 1: or choosing to live with a dog, then that's on him. 272 00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:27,639 Speaker 3: Yeah. 273 00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:31,439 Speaker 1: So the lesson here, the very valuable lesson here, is 274 00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:35,080 Speaker 1: I want to be sure that in my next relationship, 275 00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:39,359 Speaker 1: my choices and my needs are as important as my 276 00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:42,919 Speaker 1: partner's choices and my partner's needs, and that there's a 277 00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:48,600 Speaker 1: willingness to compromise. You made the compromise, he did not. 278 00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:54,159 Speaker 1: Did you miss that you compromise? Let me see if 279 00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:58,240 Speaker 1: I can do this. I'm willing to try it. What 280 00:17:58,400 --> 00:17:59,560 Speaker 1: compromise did he make? 281 00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:04,880 Speaker 3: He lets the dog sleep downstairs? Oh? 282 00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:11,920 Speaker 1: Whoopee do ye in your house? He let the dog 283 00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:14,000 Speaker 1: sleep downstairs in your house? 284 00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:14,680 Speaker 3: Yeah? 285 00:18:15,359 --> 00:18:19,920 Speaker 1: Okay, I want to ask you a question, and please 286 00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:27,119 Speaker 1: hear me with all loving care and compassion. Are you ready? 287 00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:36,680 Speaker 1: It's okay, we'll do it right after this break. Welcome 288 00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:38,919 Speaker 1: back to the r spot. Let's pick up where we 289 00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:42,359 Speaker 1: left off. Are you in any way overweight? 290 00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:49,040 Speaker 3: No, I would describe I have, I guess the typical 291 00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:50,959 Speaker 3: African woman body. 292 00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:56,120 Speaker 1: Okay, so you're substantial, you got some substance to you? Okay? 293 00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:57,720 Speaker 1: And are you okay? With that. 294 00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:03,439 Speaker 3: You know, it's one of those things where okay, let 295 00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:10,000 Speaker 3: me just answer your questions right now. Yes, okay, I've 296 00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:12,720 Speaker 3: gotten back to my routine. But while I was in 297 00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:16,720 Speaker 3: the relationship, I kind of let go of myself a bit, yes, ma'am. 298 00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:19,959 Speaker 1: Okay, okay, And let me tell you why I'm asking 299 00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:25,080 Speaker 1: you that, because I feel so strongly a presence or 300 00:19:25,119 --> 00:19:28,439 Speaker 1: a sense that and maybe because he was your first 301 00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:32,119 Speaker 1: boyfriend and so that you're telling me up until twenty 302 00:19:32,119 --> 00:19:34,919 Speaker 1: five you didn't have a serious boyfriend, which in an 303 00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:41,840 Speaker 1: American way, that's like you're an old maid and I 304 00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:46,000 Speaker 1: just want to I just want to weed out any 305 00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:49,679 Speaker 1: possibility that you think you're never gonna find anybody else. 306 00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:51,680 Speaker 3: Yeah, okay. 307 00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:55,120 Speaker 1: And sometimes when we are, you know, when we move 308 00:19:55,200 --> 00:20:00,480 Speaker 1: from being substantial into being overweight, you know, we're willing 309 00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:04,560 Speaker 1: to compromise ourselves beyond reason because we think he's the 310 00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:05,840 Speaker 1: only one that's gonna want me. 311 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:07,480 Speaker 2: That's ma'am. 312 00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:13,760 Speaker 1: He chose a dog over you. He chose a dog 313 00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:16,440 Speaker 1: over you because when you said to him, I can't 314 00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:19,800 Speaker 1: deliver the dog. I've tried. It's not working for me. 315 00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:21,520 Speaker 1: He could have said, Okay, let me see what I 316 00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:23,880 Speaker 1: can work out here. I don't want to get rid 317 00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:26,399 Speaker 1: of the dog, but you are more important to me 318 00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:28,520 Speaker 1: than this dog. Right now. Let me see if I 319 00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:30,199 Speaker 1: can leave him with a family man, But let me 320 00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:32,080 Speaker 1: see if I can leave him with a friend. He 321 00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:38,560 Speaker 1: had that possibility. Yeah, yeah, let me see if can 322 00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:40,840 Speaker 1: he be here on the weekends. I'll let him go 323 00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:44,080 Speaker 1: to my mom's on the week during the week. Can 324 00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:45,960 Speaker 1: he stay with us on the weekend? Be gone on 325 00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:51,919 Speaker 1: some compromise. He made no compromise. He chose a dog 326 00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:58,359 Speaker 1: over you. That's the reality, the the higher lesson here 327 00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:02,120 Speaker 1: is this is a man who made his needs, his wants, 328 00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:06,240 Speaker 1: his choice is more important than mine. I don't want 329 00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:09,080 Speaker 1: that in a relationship. He's a nice guy. We had 330 00:21:09,119 --> 00:21:12,000 Speaker 1: a great time. The sex was good. I loved him 331 00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:15,440 Speaker 1: being here. But this is a man who chose his needs, 332 00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:19,960 Speaker 1: his wants, his desire more than mine, made them more 333 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:24,639 Speaker 1: important than me. Why do I want to be in that? 334 00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:25,480 Speaker 1: That's your work. 335 00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:33,320 Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, And see that's a different standpoint than I've 336 00:21:33,359 --> 00:21:37,400 Speaker 3: heard in the past. And I think I wasn't getting 337 00:21:38,359 --> 00:21:41,320 Speaker 3: I guess any advice from other people that made me 338 00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:45,720 Speaker 3: feel or made me hear what you're telling me now. 339 00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:51,640 Speaker 1: Because in the Western society, women are trained, programmed, conditioned, 340 00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:57,960 Speaker 1: and expected to put their needs and their wants secondary 341 00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:04,080 Speaker 1: to people pleasing make everybody else happy. That's that's how 342 00:22:04,119 --> 00:22:07,760 Speaker 1: we do it here, that's what we're expected to do. 343 00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:12,560 Speaker 1: I have two dogs and they do not sleep in 344 00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:19,320 Speaker 1: my bed. M hmm, yeah, yeah they don't. And what 345 00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:21,600 Speaker 1: kind of dog was it? A German shepherd? 346 00:22:23,119 --> 00:22:24,440 Speaker 3: It was a boxer. 347 00:22:25,119 --> 00:22:27,439 Speaker 1: Oh my god, that's a big dog. 348 00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:32,719 Speaker 3: Yeah, he was a big dog. I think I just 349 00:22:32,760 --> 00:22:38,800 Speaker 3: have a really bad habit of trying to accommodate others. 350 00:22:39,119 --> 00:22:45,119 Speaker 1: And the club, I'll send you your membership guard. 351 00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:52,520 Speaker 3: It's like I put my happiness on standby just because 352 00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:55,600 Speaker 3: I want to be there for that person. And I 353 00:22:55,680 --> 00:23:00,159 Speaker 3: could be, you know, crying or unhappy, but I want 354 00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:02,160 Speaker 3: to help them. Then, you know, I don't know. It's 355 00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:04,159 Speaker 3: just something that I'm trying to work on. 356 00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:09,159 Speaker 1: But it's a program and a conditioning for women. And 357 00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:11,720 Speaker 1: here you are early in your life. Some women don't 358 00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:14,720 Speaker 1: learn it until they're fifty. Some don't learn it until 359 00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:22,680 Speaker 1: they're sixty. Thank you Lord that you're learning it early. Yeah, okay, 360 00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:28,080 Speaker 1: and he you know, next time it could be something else. 361 00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:30,280 Speaker 1: It could be a bird. You know. I had a 362 00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:37,600 Speaker 1: partner who loved cigars. He loved cigars, and I don't 363 00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:41,480 Speaker 1: like cigars. The smell in my house, I don't like it. 364 00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:44,359 Speaker 1: And so I said to him, I'm not going to 365 00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:48,119 Speaker 1: tell you not to smoke cigars. I know that float 366 00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:50,879 Speaker 1: your boat. But how can we work this out so 367 00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:54,320 Speaker 1: you're not smoking in the house. I made him a 368 00:23:54,320 --> 00:23:57,560 Speaker 1: little spot outside on the patio downstairs, and go out 369 00:23:57,560 --> 00:23:59,800 Speaker 1: there and smoke, or go to the cigar bar with 370 00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:03,040 Speaker 1: all the other guys. You want to be an officionado, 371 00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:06,119 Speaker 1: go on over there. But I don't want that. I 372 00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:11,159 Speaker 1: even bought smoke candles, so when it was snowing and 373 00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:15,080 Speaker 1: he wanted a cigar, he didn't have to sit outside, 374 00:24:16,760 --> 00:24:19,000 Speaker 1: crack the door, sip out of the door. I don't 375 00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:22,760 Speaker 1: want that smell in my house. So he was willing 376 00:24:22,800 --> 00:24:26,120 Speaker 1: to compromise. I was willing to compromise. I didn't ask 377 00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:29,280 Speaker 1: him not to smoke. But he also said, you know, 378 00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:31,280 Speaker 1: if I got to give him up, I'll give him up, 379 00:24:31,359 --> 00:24:33,399 Speaker 1: or I'll only smoke at the cigar. You didn't smoke 380 00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:36,000 Speaker 1: all day every day. But he'd like to sit down 381 00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:39,199 Speaker 1: with his book and a cigar and whatever. I just 382 00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:42,480 Speaker 1: couldn't take that smell in my house. But he was 383 00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:52,240 Speaker 1: willing to compromise. This guy was not. And it didn't 384 00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:53,840 Speaker 1: get to the point where I had to put my 385 00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:56,680 Speaker 1: foot down and say, you can't smoke that in here, 386 00:24:57,640 --> 00:24:59,560 Speaker 1: because he was willing to compromise. 387 00:25:01,560 --> 00:25:02,240 Speaker 3: I hear you. 388 00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:08,040 Speaker 1: You you're a whipper snapper. He's you know, get the lesson. 389 00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:11,119 Speaker 1: Don't focus on him, and you don't have to stop 390 00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:15,520 Speaker 1: loving him, but you will as soon as you as 391 00:25:15,560 --> 00:25:18,439 Speaker 1: soon as you find a man who's willing to honor 392 00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:22,320 Speaker 1: what's important to you, a man who's willing to compromise, 393 00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:25,040 Speaker 1: a man who's willing to give as well as take, 394 00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:27,359 Speaker 1: and a man who can provide you with a home. 395 00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:31,399 Speaker 1: I don't know what I got to do to teach women. 396 00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:36,520 Speaker 1: Don't move no man into your house. If you have 397 00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:38,880 Speaker 1: to keep your house and rent it out and go 398 00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:42,840 Speaker 1: live in his house, do that. It is the male 399 00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:47,439 Speaker 1: bird that builds the nest. The female bird doesn't build 400 00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:51,600 Speaker 1: the nest. The male bird does. And then she comes 401 00:25:51,880 --> 00:25:55,399 Speaker 1: along and sees the nest and make sure it's so 402 00:25:55,720 --> 00:25:58,439 Speaker 1: sturdy it's not gonna fall off the tree. Branch. The 403 00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:00,920 Speaker 1: babies ain't gonna fall down and racked their head open. 404 00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:04,760 Speaker 1: Once the nests is thirty, then she gives him the nookie. 405 00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:08,240 Speaker 1: She don't give him the nookie until he has the nest. Bill. 406 00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:10,359 Speaker 1: Ask me how I know? 407 00:26:12,520 --> 00:26:13,119 Speaker 3: Ask me how? 408 00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:17,720 Speaker 1: Go ahead, ask me, because I've watched it. I watched it. 409 00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:21,879 Speaker 1: I had a bird building a nest in a little 410 00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:25,760 Speaker 1: hole I have in my garage, And anytime I opened 411 00:26:25,800 --> 00:26:29,040 Speaker 1: my garage door, he would fly out and he would 412 00:26:29,119 --> 00:26:30,840 Speaker 1: go up in that and then as soon as I 413 00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:34,240 Speaker 1: opened the garage door, he would fly back in. Okay, 414 00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:36,879 Speaker 1: And so I said, oh my god, this bird is 415 00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:42,399 Speaker 1: building a nest up here. And so I knew that. 416 00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:44,520 Speaker 1: And once he gets that nest, Bill, he gonna bring 417 00:26:44,560 --> 00:26:47,280 Speaker 1: his girlfriend over and they gonna be making babies up 418 00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:53,119 Speaker 1: in the hole in my garage wall and sold One 419 00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:56,280 Speaker 1: day I came in and he was laying dead in 420 00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:59,320 Speaker 1: the middle of the garage. I said, Oh my god, 421 00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:01,960 Speaker 1: did he get the nest built? Where's the woman? Where's 422 00:27:01,960 --> 00:27:04,520 Speaker 1: the babies. I had to get the ladder and go 423 00:27:04,600 --> 00:27:06,920 Speaker 1: look up in the hole in the garage to see 424 00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:08,600 Speaker 1: if the babies was in there. I didn't know if 425 00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:10,119 Speaker 1: it was the mother or the father. I didn't know 426 00:27:10,119 --> 00:27:13,240 Speaker 1: who it was, but there was no eggs, so I 427 00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:20,600 Speaker 1: guess he never got there. He died building his nest. Okay, 428 00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:28,520 Speaker 1: let the man build a nest and teach him that 429 00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:33,080 Speaker 1: your needs and your wants are as important as his. 430 00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:36,879 Speaker 1: And if he doesn't know that, you may have to 431 00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:40,080 Speaker 1: teach him. And the way you know he has learned 432 00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:43,919 Speaker 1: the lesson is that he's willing to compromise. And don't 433 00:27:43,920 --> 00:27:51,000 Speaker 1: call that boy no more. Don't call it. It's Sam 434 00:27:51,080 --> 00:27:57,800 Speaker 1: his loss, not yours. His loss. Okay, tell me something 435 00:27:57,840 --> 00:27:59,800 Speaker 1: you know now that you didn't know when you called me. 436 00:28:01,440 --> 00:28:04,720 Speaker 1: Oh you're so young. Oh, I'm so excited for you. 437 00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:07,160 Speaker 1: Wait till you see the new kind of breakups. You're 438 00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:15,520 Speaker 1: gonna bust into a Oh there's a whole list of 439 00:28:15,680 --> 00:28:21,800 Speaker 1: wonderfulness just waiting for you, my love. Enjoy it, Enjoy 440 00:28:21,920 --> 00:28:25,480 Speaker 1: the ride. It's a part of being a woman. Enjoy yourself. Okay, 441 00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:27,280 Speaker 1: don't take everything so seriously. 442 00:28:28,400 --> 00:28:30,400 Speaker 3: That's ma'am, Thank you so much. 443 00:28:30,800 --> 00:28:33,959 Speaker 1: All right, my love, Bye, bye, Hi. 444 00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:39,040 Speaker 4: I have a nice day you too. 445 00:28:39,800 --> 00:28:43,320 Speaker 1: Oh my goodness. Twenty six years old and she's learning 446 00:28:43,400 --> 00:28:46,600 Speaker 1: lessons that so many of us women didn't learn until 447 00:28:46,640 --> 00:28:50,520 Speaker 1: we were forty five, and it's harder to take it 448 00:28:50,560 --> 00:28:52,800 Speaker 1: in at forty five. I don't know what I would 449 00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:55,080 Speaker 1: do at forty five if a man chose a dog 450 00:28:55,160 --> 00:28:59,040 Speaker 1: over me. Why do we act like we don't know 451 00:28:59,120 --> 00:29:03,280 Speaker 1: what we do know? That's always a very perplexing question 452 00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:06,680 Speaker 1: for me. Sometimes we act like we don't know it 453 00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:10,200 Speaker 1: because we're afraid to know it. Sometimes we act like 454 00:29:10,240 --> 00:29:13,560 Speaker 1: we don't know it because if we know it, we 455 00:29:13,680 --> 00:29:16,120 Speaker 1: need to know what to do about it, and if 456 00:29:16,120 --> 00:29:18,800 Speaker 1: we don't know what to do about it, it's easier 457 00:29:18,840 --> 00:29:22,680 Speaker 1: to act like we don't know it. Sometimes we act 458 00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:26,760 Speaker 1: like we don't know it because it means that we're 459 00:29:26,800 --> 00:29:31,760 Speaker 1: going to be care fronted with our greatest fear. Nothing ever, 460 00:29:31,880 --> 00:29:35,360 Speaker 1: good can come out of acting like you don't know 461 00:29:35,920 --> 00:29:40,640 Speaker 1: what you do know, because your higher self, your divine mind, 462 00:29:40,680 --> 00:29:44,560 Speaker 1: your spiritual connection to the universe, will always let you 463 00:29:44,720 --> 00:29:49,400 Speaker 1: know what you need to know, and any fear that 464 00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:52,400 Speaker 1: comes up, well that's what you have to work on 465 00:29:53,120 --> 00:29:57,280 Speaker 1: eliminating that fear. But acting like you don't know what 466 00:29:57,400 --> 00:30:01,880 Speaker 1: you do know, it's like a boat that has a 467 00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:05,480 Speaker 1: hole in it and you acting like the water isn't 468 00:30:05,480 --> 00:30:09,840 Speaker 1: coming in. That's exactly what my next caller did. She 469 00:30:09,960 --> 00:30:14,440 Speaker 1: acted like she didn't know what she knew. Here's her 470 00:30:14,520 --> 00:30:21,520 Speaker 1: call Greenning's beloved and welcome to the R Spot. Now, 471 00:30:21,560 --> 00:30:26,920 Speaker 1: what is your relationship challenge, issue, dilemmas, situation circumstance that 472 00:30:27,000 --> 00:30:30,080 Speaker 1: we can explore and examine together today. 473 00:30:30,920 --> 00:30:35,160 Speaker 2: So I'm thirty one. My husband is thirty one as well. 474 00:30:35,240 --> 00:30:39,800 Speaker 2: We've been married since twenty eighteen. I have I have 475 00:30:40,080 --> 00:30:44,240 Speaker 2: three girls all together. My oldest ecleven, middle is eight, 476 00:30:44,320 --> 00:30:48,240 Speaker 2: and we just had a baby Valentine's Date last year. 477 00:30:48,600 --> 00:30:50,560 Speaker 2: My first two are not his, but he's been in 478 00:30:50,560 --> 00:30:53,200 Speaker 2: our lives since my second one was about seven months old. 479 00:30:54,200 --> 00:31:00,880 Speaker 2: We divorced once in twenty twenty, remarried in twenty twenty one, 480 00:31:01,160 --> 00:31:05,280 Speaker 2: and now I'm at the point again where I'm contemplating divorced. 481 00:31:06,720 --> 00:31:10,000 Speaker 2: We had two incidents where I found out he was 482 00:31:10,080 --> 00:31:15,480 Speaker 2: attempting to pay for sex and the beginning when I 483 00:31:15,520 --> 00:31:18,160 Speaker 2: first revealed I was pregnant. Also when I was eight 484 00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:20,840 Speaker 2: and a half months pregnant, and I don't know. One day, 485 00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:22,680 Speaker 2: I just woke up and a light went off and 486 00:31:22,920 --> 00:31:26,160 Speaker 2: I was like, I can't do this. Anymore, But I'm 487 00:31:26,200 --> 00:31:29,800 Speaker 2: stuck in between stands for the children. I'm very well 488 00:31:29,880 --> 00:31:32,520 Speaker 2: that the little girl inside of me that has always 489 00:31:32,560 --> 00:31:35,240 Speaker 2: wanted a family has has kept me a relationship that 490 00:31:35,320 --> 00:31:38,320 Speaker 2: I probably should have not stayed in. And I'm just 491 00:31:38,360 --> 00:31:39,240 Speaker 2: really confused. 492 00:31:41,120 --> 00:31:44,840 Speaker 1: Okay, I don't think you're confused. I think you're scared. 493 00:31:45,280 --> 00:31:46,760 Speaker 1: But that's just my assessment. 494 00:31:47,160 --> 00:31:48,240 Speaker 2: Yeah, I believe that. 495 00:31:50,280 --> 00:31:52,400 Speaker 1: Why did you divorce the first time? 496 00:31:53,760 --> 00:31:57,200 Speaker 2: He has a child that lived in Jacksonville, Florida, and 497 00:31:58,520 --> 00:32:01,560 Speaker 2: I'm originally we're both from the I've been in Houston 498 00:32:01,600 --> 00:32:05,080 Speaker 2: for a very long time. Jacksonville is where he grew 499 00:32:05,160 --> 00:32:08,040 Speaker 2: up at, so his daughter was there, and he wanted to, 500 00:32:09,000 --> 00:32:11,440 Speaker 2: you know, be closer to his daughter, and you know, 501 00:32:11,520 --> 00:32:13,520 Speaker 2: he wanted us to get joint custody. So I picked 502 00:32:13,560 --> 00:32:16,800 Speaker 2: up my children and I moved to Jacksonville for him 503 00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:19,160 Speaker 2: to help him get joint custody of his daughter. And 504 00:32:20,120 --> 00:32:21,680 Speaker 2: in the midst of all that, I felt like he 505 00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:24,480 Speaker 2: wasn't putting the marriage first. So I told him I 506 00:32:24,520 --> 00:32:27,320 Speaker 2: was leaving and coming back home to Houston. And so 507 00:32:27,360 --> 00:32:29,760 Speaker 2: I left because I didn't feel like I was a 508 00:32:29,800 --> 00:32:32,680 Speaker 2: priority where we were a priority anymore. Because he was 509 00:32:32,680 --> 00:32:34,720 Speaker 2: there with his daughter, and I just I felt like 510 00:32:35,160 --> 00:32:36,520 Speaker 2: he gave us a back seat. 511 00:32:37,320 --> 00:32:42,240 Speaker 1: And there was no way of compromise or negotiation about 512 00:32:42,240 --> 00:32:46,600 Speaker 1: what you required or what you were requesting. You just left. 513 00:32:47,200 --> 00:32:49,600 Speaker 2: I asked to go to counseling, didn't want to go 514 00:32:49,640 --> 00:32:56,280 Speaker 2: to counseling, and so I said, okay, well going home, 515 00:32:56,640 --> 00:32:58,800 Speaker 2: and so I took my children and I left. 516 00:32:59,280 --> 00:32:59,960 Speaker 1: So you're a run. 517 00:33:03,440 --> 00:33:06,560 Speaker 2: I would like to tell myself that I just don't 518 00:33:07,120 --> 00:33:08,120 Speaker 2: take a lot of stuff. 519 00:33:08,120 --> 00:33:16,080 Speaker 1: But well, but you were married. That's a commitment, and 520 00:33:16,280 --> 00:33:23,440 Speaker 1: with that commitment there comes cooperation, compromise, communication. You don't 521 00:33:23,480 --> 00:33:25,960 Speaker 1: just pick up and run because things aren't going the 522 00:33:25,960 --> 00:33:27,160 Speaker 1: way you want them to go. 523 00:33:27,920 --> 00:33:28,240 Speaker 2: Mhm. 524 00:33:29,360 --> 00:33:39,080 Speaker 1: Unless you know that this was a mistake from the beginning. Yeah, yeah, what. 525 00:33:40,520 --> 00:33:43,920 Speaker 2: I knew that it was a mistake of me going 526 00:33:43,960 --> 00:33:45,720 Speaker 2: there in the beginning, but I still went. 527 00:33:45,840 --> 00:33:53,480 Speaker 1: Oh, okay, so there we go. Betrayal, You betrayed yourself? Yeah, 528 00:33:54,680 --> 00:34:01,800 Speaker 1: uh huh. So what is it that made you remarry? 529 00:34:01,920 --> 00:34:05,360 Speaker 2: Because I want I still wanted to have a family. 530 00:34:07,640 --> 00:34:10,919 Speaker 2: We got on the plane of Jacksonville, went and visited him, 531 00:34:11,080 --> 00:34:12,840 Speaker 2: and we went to a hotel. We sat in the 532 00:34:12,880 --> 00:34:15,080 Speaker 2: bed and we talked about all the issues we thought 533 00:34:15,080 --> 00:34:18,760 Speaker 2: we had and that we were ready to move forward. 534 00:34:18,800 --> 00:34:21,640 Speaker 2: So he came back to Houston in February of twenty 535 00:34:21,680 --> 00:34:26,080 Speaker 2: twenty one and me to work on our family and 536 00:34:26,120 --> 00:34:29,799 Speaker 2: get everything back to a norm and then we got remarried. 537 00:34:30,160 --> 00:34:35,160 Speaker 1: But you'd never really resolve the challenge that led to 538 00:34:35,239 --> 00:34:39,160 Speaker 1: the divorce in the first place, which was y'all didn't 539 00:34:40,000 --> 00:34:49,640 Speaker 1: have conflict resolution. Just because you talked about it doesn't 540 00:34:49,680 --> 00:34:54,040 Speaker 1: mean that the problem was resolved. If he went to 541 00:34:54,160 --> 00:34:58,719 Speaker 1: Jacksonville to get joint custody of his daughter, but now 542 00:34:58,760 --> 00:35:01,200 Speaker 1: he's back in Houston's So what happened to the daughter? 543 00:35:01,960 --> 00:35:06,359 Speaker 2: Well, we were successful with court stuff and he came 544 00:35:06,400 --> 00:35:08,040 Speaker 2: back here and then her mom was like, well, I 545 00:35:08,040 --> 00:35:09,840 Speaker 2: don't want to keep putting her back and forth in 546 00:35:09,960 --> 00:35:14,160 Speaker 2: plane on planes for visitation and whatnot, So I'm going 547 00:35:14,200 --> 00:35:16,520 Speaker 2: to move to Houston. I'm ready to leave Jacksonville anyway. 548 00:35:16,680 --> 00:35:19,680 Speaker 2: So now they're here and the daughter is with us 549 00:35:19,960 --> 00:35:22,560 Speaker 2: Monday through Friday and they stay like down the street 550 00:35:22,600 --> 00:35:24,120 Speaker 2: from us. 551 00:35:24,719 --> 00:35:31,160 Speaker 1: Okay, okay, But the challenge that led to the divorce 552 00:35:31,239 --> 00:35:34,160 Speaker 1: in the first place, do you get that that was 553 00:35:34,200 --> 00:35:38,680 Speaker 1: not resolved, which was your feeling of not being a priority. 554 00:35:39,520 --> 00:35:40,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, ma'am. 555 00:35:41,160 --> 00:35:45,760 Speaker 1: Okay. Then I heard you say tempting to pay for sex. 556 00:35:46,239 --> 00:35:55,520 Speaker 1: We'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back, 557 00:35:55,719 --> 00:35:59,319 Speaker 1: I am, yam, lend this is the ur spot a 558 00:35:59,600 --> 00:36:02,200 Speaker 1: tempting to pay for sex? What does that mean? 559 00:36:02,880 --> 00:36:04,799 Speaker 3: So his his. 560 00:36:04,760 --> 00:36:08,919 Speaker 2: Birthday in August of twenty twenty one, So the same 561 00:36:09,120 --> 00:36:12,600 Speaker 2: week we got remarried and got back together, I was pregnant. 562 00:36:13,200 --> 00:36:16,360 Speaker 2: I gave him a surprise birthday party and rebuilt the pregnancy. 563 00:36:18,360 --> 00:36:20,239 Speaker 2: In the midst of the party going on, I walked 564 00:36:20,280 --> 00:36:22,600 Speaker 2: in the house and saw his phone lit up, and 565 00:36:24,000 --> 00:36:28,400 Speaker 2: I thought, well, Teddy raised all his brows of history 566 00:36:28,440 --> 00:36:31,680 Speaker 2: and everything. But I saw that he asked a woman 567 00:36:31,719 --> 00:36:33,759 Speaker 2: I guess, like how much it would cost for her 568 00:36:33,840 --> 00:36:38,120 Speaker 2: to come to him. I'm not sure if he knew that. 569 00:36:38,480 --> 00:36:40,480 Speaker 2: You know, when you delete stuff in your iPhone, that 570 00:36:40,520 --> 00:36:43,280 Speaker 2: doesn't mean is deleted from your watch or your iPad. 571 00:36:43,880 --> 00:36:46,799 Speaker 2: So I left the party because we lived like ten 572 00:36:46,800 --> 00:36:49,400 Speaker 2: minutes from where the party was, and came home and 573 00:36:49,520 --> 00:36:51,320 Speaker 2: looked in his watch and I saw all the text 574 00:36:51,360 --> 00:36:54,719 Speaker 2: message where he was texting numerous women asking how much 575 00:36:54,840 --> 00:36:57,680 Speaker 2: they were gonna charge. I went back to the party. 576 00:36:58,520 --> 00:37:00,200 Speaker 2: I didn't make us mean, I didn't do any thing. 577 00:37:00,280 --> 00:37:02,680 Speaker 2: I just kind of boxed it up like I already 578 00:37:02,800 --> 00:37:06,440 Speaker 2: do and moved on. And then my birthday of twenty 579 00:37:06,480 --> 00:37:11,280 Speaker 2: twenty two, which is in January. I was due in February. 580 00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:13,920 Speaker 2: We woke up on my birthday. He was gonna make 581 00:37:13,960 --> 00:37:17,040 Speaker 2: me breakfast, but he realized we didn't have something, and 582 00:37:17,200 --> 00:37:20,600 Speaker 2: Kroger is like five minutes from our house and he left. 583 00:37:21,440 --> 00:37:24,000 Speaker 2: About two hours go by, he's still not back. I 584 00:37:24,239 --> 00:37:27,160 Speaker 2: checked his location and see he's at an apartment complex 585 00:37:27,480 --> 00:37:30,800 Speaker 2: and here we are back again, and he came home. 586 00:37:31,520 --> 00:37:34,120 Speaker 2: We argued about it. I asked, you know, what is wrong? 587 00:37:34,280 --> 00:37:36,080 Speaker 2: What is the issue? Why do you feel like you 588 00:37:36,120 --> 00:37:38,480 Speaker 2: have to do this? And I kind of just boxed 589 00:37:38,480 --> 00:37:42,399 Speaker 2: that up. Had my baby the next month and weeks ago. 590 00:37:42,480 --> 00:37:44,399 Speaker 2: I woke up and I just was like, I don't 591 00:37:44,400 --> 00:37:45,720 Speaker 2: know if I can do this anymore. 592 00:37:48,239 --> 00:37:52,280 Speaker 1: So let me ask you a question, my love. What 593 00:37:52,840 --> 00:37:58,239 Speaker 1: are you acting like you don't know? Start here? I'm 594 00:37:58,320 --> 00:37:59,880 Speaker 1: acting like I don't know. 595 00:38:00,040 --> 00:38:09,520 Speaker 2: Oh, that what he did was wrong, and that I. 596 00:38:08,880 --> 00:38:10,319 Speaker 1: What did he do? What did he do? 597 00:38:11,239 --> 00:38:12,640 Speaker 2: He stepped out on the marriage? 598 00:38:14,680 --> 00:38:19,360 Speaker 1: Okay, not just that he stepped out on the marriage. Yeah, okay, 599 00:38:19,480 --> 00:38:24,760 Speaker 1: I'm acting like I don't know he can't be trusted. Okay, 600 00:38:24,760 --> 00:38:26,840 Speaker 1: what else are you acting like? I don't know? You 601 00:38:26,920 --> 00:38:27,319 Speaker 1: don't know. 602 00:38:28,840 --> 00:38:30,680 Speaker 2: I'm acting like I don't know. I deserve better? 603 00:38:32,960 --> 00:38:39,080 Speaker 1: Okay, what else? How about I don't want to be 604 00:38:39,120 --> 00:38:43,440 Speaker 1: in this do you know that? How about that? 605 00:38:45,560 --> 00:38:50,760 Speaker 2: Honestly, sometimes I want to fix it and then sometimes 606 00:38:50,760 --> 00:38:51,160 Speaker 2: I don't. 607 00:38:52,440 --> 00:38:54,560 Speaker 1: So you want to fix a marriage with a man 608 00:38:54,600 --> 00:38:58,360 Speaker 1: who can't be trusted, who doesn't give you what you deserve, 609 00:38:59,080 --> 00:39:02,600 Speaker 1: A man who may have some type of problem or 610 00:39:02,640 --> 00:39:05,680 Speaker 1: issue to the degree that he feels he has to 611 00:39:05,719 --> 00:39:10,160 Speaker 1: buy sex, A man who's sleeping with other women that 612 00:39:10,200 --> 00:39:13,520 Speaker 1: you don't know and bringing that energy back into your home. 613 00:39:14,120 --> 00:39:15,480 Speaker 1: You're acting like you don't. 614 00:39:15,200 --> 00:39:18,440 Speaker 2: Know that he said that. He actually he never did anything. 615 00:39:18,520 --> 00:39:21,040 Speaker 2: He never intended And when I asked what was the 616 00:39:21,080 --> 00:39:24,239 Speaker 2: reason why, he said it. Because he wanted to get 617 00:39:24,280 --> 00:39:27,000 Speaker 2: back at me for leaving him in Jacksonville. That was 618 00:39:27,000 --> 00:39:27,600 Speaker 2: his reason. 619 00:39:28,760 --> 00:39:30,799 Speaker 1: So you're acting like you don't know. This is a 620 00:39:30,840 --> 00:39:33,520 Speaker 1: man who seeks revenge. 621 00:39:34,840 --> 00:39:35,080 Speaker 2: Yeah. 622 00:39:35,800 --> 00:39:39,520 Speaker 1: Yeah, you're acting like you don't know. This is a 623 00:39:39,560 --> 00:39:43,040 Speaker 1: man you can't depend on. You're acting like you don't 624 00:39:43,080 --> 00:39:45,640 Speaker 1: know this as a man who doesn't honor his word. 625 00:39:49,120 --> 00:39:53,200 Speaker 2: And I know that a lot of it has to 626 00:39:53,320 --> 00:39:57,759 Speaker 2: do not wanting to tear my family apart because I 627 00:39:57,840 --> 00:39:59,200 Speaker 2: never had that as a child. 628 00:40:00,480 --> 00:40:02,719 Speaker 1: It doesn't have anything to do with now. You're not 629 00:40:02,760 --> 00:40:07,520 Speaker 1: a child. You're a grown woman raising two put future 630 00:40:07,560 --> 00:40:12,480 Speaker 1: women to future mother to future wives. So you're setting 631 00:40:12,480 --> 00:40:15,640 Speaker 1: in three Okay, you got three girls, so you're setting 632 00:40:15,640 --> 00:40:20,479 Speaker 1: an example, and you're being a demonstration for them of 633 00:40:20,520 --> 00:40:25,279 Speaker 1: how a woman handles herself, particularly for the eleven year 634 00:40:25,320 --> 00:40:29,360 Speaker 1: old who's getting ready to go into her tween years, 635 00:40:29,360 --> 00:40:35,080 Speaker 1: her princess years. But she's watching you very closely. So 636 00:40:35,239 --> 00:40:37,919 Speaker 1: let me ask you this question. Is this the man 637 00:40:38,080 --> 00:40:40,000 Speaker 1: that you want to spend the rest of your life with? 638 00:40:40,120 --> 00:40:42,799 Speaker 1: And please don't tell me you don't know. I don't 639 00:40:42,840 --> 00:40:45,400 Speaker 1: care what the answer is, but I don't know. Means 640 00:40:45,440 --> 00:40:48,080 Speaker 1: I don't want to talk about it. Is this the 641 00:40:48,120 --> 00:40:51,680 Speaker 1: man that you want to spend the rest of your 642 00:40:51,719 --> 00:40:57,040 Speaker 1: life with? Take a breath and whatever the answer is, 643 00:40:57,080 --> 00:40:57,920 Speaker 1: will work through it. 644 00:41:01,320 --> 00:41:04,479 Speaker 2: No, Okay, got more? 645 00:41:05,600 --> 00:41:08,680 Speaker 1: And it sounds to me I could be wrong. I'm 646 00:41:08,760 --> 00:41:12,319 Speaker 1: willing to be wrong. It sounds to me that you 647 00:41:12,480 --> 00:41:17,160 Speaker 1: are confronted with a common issue that many women face, 648 00:41:18,040 --> 00:41:22,360 Speaker 1: and that is I don't want to acknowledge, or admit 649 00:41:23,320 --> 00:41:29,120 Speaker 1: or confront myself with I made a mistake. So let 650 00:41:29,120 --> 00:41:31,839 Speaker 1: me just see how I can make this work. Rather 651 00:41:31,920 --> 00:41:34,000 Speaker 1: than acknowledge I made a mistake. 652 00:41:34,640 --> 00:41:35,280 Speaker 2: I agree. 653 00:41:38,000 --> 00:41:46,080 Speaker 1: Oh oops, Oops, I made a mistake. Oops, And now 654 00:41:46,120 --> 00:41:49,720 Speaker 1: I've brought another life into this. Oops, made a mistake. 655 00:41:49,840 --> 00:41:53,319 Speaker 1: Now what do I do? And that it doesn't mean 656 00:41:53,360 --> 00:41:54,320 Speaker 1: he's a bad person. 657 00:41:55,520 --> 00:41:58,200 Speaker 2: And that's the thing that makes it hard harder. 658 00:42:00,000 --> 00:42:03,600 Speaker 1: No, that's another thing that you tell yourself makes it hard. 659 00:42:05,920 --> 00:42:10,000 Speaker 1: So suppose you got in a boat and you went out. 660 00:42:10,000 --> 00:42:13,040 Speaker 1: It's a lovely day, You've got the girls with you, 661 00:42:13,040 --> 00:42:16,000 Speaker 1: you got on your your nice boating hat, your nice 662 00:42:16,040 --> 00:42:19,960 Speaker 1: boating dress, and the boat begins to leak. There's a 663 00:42:20,000 --> 00:42:23,360 Speaker 1: little tiny hole and the water's coming in just a 664 00:42:23,400 --> 00:42:26,920 Speaker 1: little bit, you know, not even covering what you're gonna do. 665 00:42:26,960 --> 00:42:31,400 Speaker 1: You're gonna stay in the boat. Oh what you're gonna do? 666 00:42:31,600 --> 00:42:38,000 Speaker 4: Give me and my children and try to say this, okay, 667 00:42:38,560 --> 00:42:40,360 Speaker 4: Why why don't you just stay in the boat and 668 00:42:40,440 --> 00:42:43,080 Speaker 4: let the water come up and see maybe it'll get better. 669 00:42:44,400 --> 00:42:47,600 Speaker 2: Why don't you do that number work because I can't swim. 670 00:42:51,640 --> 00:42:59,480 Speaker 1: Okay, good answer. So you have to take care of yourself. 671 00:43:00,640 --> 00:43:04,879 Speaker 1: You have to protect yourself and protect your children. Now 672 00:43:04,920 --> 00:43:07,959 Speaker 1: here's the thing that I want you to really sit 673 00:43:08,080 --> 00:43:13,600 Speaker 1: with and understand. It's not that he's buying sex. It's 674 00:43:13,640 --> 00:43:16,520 Speaker 1: not that he can't be trusted, and not that he 675 00:43:16,600 --> 00:43:20,759 Speaker 1: seeks revenge. It's not that you can't depend on him. 676 00:43:20,920 --> 00:43:23,640 Speaker 1: It's not that he doesn't honor his word. It's that 677 00:43:23,719 --> 00:43:26,920 Speaker 1: you made a mistake in the first place. If you 678 00:43:26,960 --> 00:43:30,440 Speaker 1: want to know the end, look at the beginning. What 679 00:43:30,640 --> 00:43:34,920 Speaker 1: did you dismiss, ignore, deny, act like you didn't know 680 00:43:35,320 --> 00:43:39,480 Speaker 1: in the beginning, because that's where you made the error. 681 00:43:40,360 --> 00:43:41,280 Speaker 2: That he was a liar. 682 00:43:41,960 --> 00:43:49,560 Speaker 1: Yes, oh well go look at that lie a liah 683 00:43:49,600 --> 00:43:53,719 Speaker 1: pants on fire. And why did you ignore that? Why 684 00:43:53,719 --> 00:43:56,600 Speaker 1: did you dismiss that, diminish that. Why did you act 685 00:43:56,640 --> 00:43:57,480 Speaker 1: like you didn't know that? 686 00:43:57,719 --> 00:44:00,080 Speaker 2: I think because I wanted him to be different. I 687 00:44:00,080 --> 00:44:01,360 Speaker 2: had hopes that he was different. 688 00:44:02,120 --> 00:44:07,719 Speaker 1: Okay, so you denied your intuition, you denied your GPS, 689 00:44:07,760 --> 00:44:11,239 Speaker 1: what I called God's protective system. God will show us 690 00:44:11,280 --> 00:44:13,760 Speaker 1: things that we need to see so that we can 691 00:44:14,040 --> 00:44:16,920 Speaker 1: make the right turn. Or the right decision so that 692 00:44:16,960 --> 00:44:19,240 Speaker 1: we can get out the boat before it's full of water. 693 00:44:19,560 --> 00:44:22,920 Speaker 1: You ignored that, you denied that and married him anyway? 694 00:44:23,080 --> 00:44:23,919 Speaker 1: Why'd you do that? 695 00:44:24,600 --> 00:44:26,720 Speaker 2: I wanted a family who was here for my children, 696 00:44:26,760 --> 00:44:27,920 Speaker 2: and I wanted to be married. 697 00:44:30,760 --> 00:44:36,600 Speaker 1: Okay. You wanted somebody to choose you because the first 698 00:44:36,600 --> 00:44:39,319 Speaker 1: two men for whom you had children or the man 699 00:44:39,840 --> 00:44:43,880 Speaker 1: do they have the same father? Your first two? Okay, 700 00:44:44,320 --> 00:44:51,160 Speaker 1: So finally you wanted somebody to choose you, and he 701 00:44:51,280 --> 00:44:59,760 Speaker 1: was available. Oops, a liar chose you. Oops. You denied 702 00:44:59,800 --> 00:45:04,720 Speaker 1: your intuition. Oops. You acted like you didn't know the truth. Oops. 703 00:45:05,480 --> 00:45:10,520 Speaker 1: You dishonored yourself oops. 704 00:45:11,560 --> 00:45:12,920 Speaker 2: Yes. 705 00:45:13,080 --> 00:45:21,640 Speaker 1: Oops. Yeah, And as a woman who had three different 706 00:45:22,040 --> 00:45:27,400 Speaker 1: three children by three different men, I know that shame, 707 00:45:27,680 --> 00:45:34,520 Speaker 1: that guilt, that fear that nobody's gonna want me. So 708 00:45:34,600 --> 00:45:38,000 Speaker 1: whoever shows up and acts like they want me, I'm 709 00:45:38,000 --> 00:45:42,800 Speaker 1: going to ignore all the warning signs and do whatever 710 00:45:42,840 --> 00:45:45,400 Speaker 1: I can to make this work so that I feel 711 00:45:45,400 --> 00:45:49,560 Speaker 1: better about myself. Now, that's just my story. It don't 712 00:45:49,560 --> 00:45:53,520 Speaker 1: have to be your story. Yes, and this is not 713 00:45:53,680 --> 00:45:55,400 Speaker 1: the man I want to spend the rest of my 714 00:45:55,480 --> 00:46:01,520 Speaker 1: life with because he cannot be trusted isn't honor his word. 715 00:46:02,080 --> 00:46:05,880 Speaker 1: I cannot depend on him. He has a tendency to 716 00:46:05,960 --> 00:46:10,560 Speaker 1: seek revenge and I deserve better, and I'm acting like 717 00:46:10,640 --> 00:46:11,840 Speaker 1: I don't know that. 718 00:46:13,440 --> 00:46:14,560 Speaker 2: True. 719 00:46:15,040 --> 00:46:21,160 Speaker 1: So the question isn't should I leave? The question is 720 00:46:21,640 --> 00:46:25,440 Speaker 1: how do I leave in a way that honors me 721 00:46:25,760 --> 00:46:26,560 Speaker 1: and who I am. 722 00:46:26,960 --> 00:46:30,200 Speaker 2: He's going back to Jacksonville. I found out last night. 723 00:46:30,880 --> 00:46:35,239 Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, oh, you found out last night. So this 724 00:46:35,280 --> 00:46:39,360 Speaker 1: is your husband who's made a decision to move away 725 00:46:39,440 --> 00:46:42,799 Speaker 1: from the state of your marital home. He's already made 726 00:46:42,800 --> 00:46:43,400 Speaker 1: that decision. 727 00:46:43,520 --> 00:46:46,000 Speaker 2: Is that I already move in? I filled for the divorce. 728 00:46:46,360 --> 00:46:48,040 Speaker 2: He was already moving, but it was going to be 729 00:46:48,080 --> 00:46:50,960 Speaker 2: to an apartment close, not too far from us. But 730 00:46:51,760 --> 00:46:54,360 Speaker 2: he was on the phone last night with a friend praying, 731 00:46:54,400 --> 00:46:56,160 Speaker 2: and I ended up walking in and heard that he 732 00:46:56,200 --> 00:46:58,680 Speaker 2: had had a job interview and that he had decided 733 00:46:58,719 --> 00:47:01,000 Speaker 2: to go back to Jacksonville. And when I asked him 734 00:47:01,000 --> 00:47:03,279 Speaker 2: why he didn't tell me, he said because he didn't 735 00:47:03,280 --> 00:47:05,520 Speaker 2: want me to be upset, Like. 736 00:47:06,400 --> 00:47:10,759 Speaker 1: What, this is a man you can't depend on. So 737 00:47:10,840 --> 00:47:14,520 Speaker 1: the daughter that you went to Jacksonville with him so 738 00:47:14,560 --> 00:47:17,800 Speaker 1: he could have custody of is now living in Houston 739 00:47:18,120 --> 00:47:19,920 Speaker 1: and he's going back to Jacksonville. 740 00:47:20,680 --> 00:47:24,759 Speaker 2: Yes. I don't think he's told her mom. Her mom 741 00:47:23,400 --> 00:47:26,719 Speaker 2: is either, so I don't know what they're going to do. 742 00:47:28,600 --> 00:47:32,879 Speaker 1: Run for your life, do you hear me? Yes, ma'am, 743 00:47:33,239 --> 00:47:37,239 Speaker 1: running for your life. Maybe his only purpose in your 744 00:47:37,280 --> 00:47:41,200 Speaker 1: life was to support you in bringing forth your baby girl. Whatever, 745 00:47:41,400 --> 00:47:47,000 Speaker 1: oops made a mistake. Let me get out of here, yes, ma'am. 746 00:47:47,160 --> 00:47:52,600 Speaker 1: And I want to encourage you to really either get 747 00:47:52,640 --> 00:47:57,800 Speaker 1: some help, spend some time focus on healing up the 748 00:47:57,840 --> 00:48:02,600 Speaker 1: fear of being alone and the fear that you won't 749 00:48:02,640 --> 00:48:06,640 Speaker 1: ever have the family that you desire. You have the family, 750 00:48:06,800 --> 00:48:09,400 Speaker 1: you just have to build it in a different way. 751 00:48:10,800 --> 00:48:15,600 Speaker 1: Work with your therapists around creating your exit plan. You're 752 00:48:15,640 --> 00:48:20,280 Speaker 1: not divorcing this man. You're standing up for yourself, yes, ma'am. 753 00:48:20,760 --> 00:48:24,240 Speaker 1: And you're correcting a mistake, that's all. You're correcting a mistake. 754 00:48:24,520 --> 00:48:27,799 Speaker 1: And there will be consequences. But oh well, tell me 755 00:48:27,880 --> 00:48:30,560 Speaker 1: something you know now, Tell me something you know now 756 00:48:30,640 --> 00:48:32,560 Speaker 1: that you didn't know when we started talking. 757 00:48:32,920 --> 00:48:37,520 Speaker 2: I'm struggling it, I think, I am. 758 00:48:36,040 --> 00:48:41,920 Speaker 1: Mm hmm, how about this. I made a mistake, and 759 00:48:42,000 --> 00:48:43,080 Speaker 1: I forgive myself. 760 00:48:43,320 --> 00:48:46,320 Speaker 2: Yes, I forgive myself. Yes, ma'am. 761 00:48:47,040 --> 00:48:50,400 Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm going to course correct. I'm going to course correct. 762 00:48:50,480 --> 00:48:53,440 Speaker 1: I made a mistake. I acted like I didn't know 763 00:48:53,560 --> 00:48:54,200 Speaker 1: what I knew. 764 00:48:55,360 --> 00:48:57,040 Speaker 2: Yes, ma'am, thank you so much. 765 00:48:58,440 --> 00:49:01,120 Speaker 1: You are so welcome, my beloved. Let me know how 766 00:49:01,120 --> 00:49:10,799 Speaker 1: you make out. Okay, okay, bye bye Wow. Life will 767 00:49:10,840 --> 00:49:16,760 Speaker 1: always bring us what we need to know. Sometimes it 768 00:49:16,800 --> 00:49:20,279 Speaker 1: brings it to us because it's time for us to 769 00:49:20,320 --> 00:49:24,799 Speaker 1: heal or grow. And sometimes it brings us what we 770 00:49:24,840 --> 00:49:29,960 Speaker 1: need to know so that we can heal all the 771 00:49:30,000 --> 00:49:35,520 Speaker 1: feelings attached to knowing something, but acting like you don't 772 00:49:35,600 --> 00:49:39,279 Speaker 1: know what you do know, that's a problem and it's 773 00:49:39,320 --> 00:49:42,800 Speaker 1: going to be a problem. So when you know something 774 00:49:42,840 --> 00:49:44,880 Speaker 1: that you don't want to know, when you know something 775 00:49:44,880 --> 00:49:48,640 Speaker 1: that frightens you, when you know something that stirs up 776 00:49:48,719 --> 00:49:55,040 Speaker 1: all sorts of feelings for you, sit down, take a 777 00:49:55,160 --> 00:50:02,120 Speaker 1: deep breath, and give your self permission to walk through 778 00:50:03,480 --> 00:50:09,160 Speaker 1: the fear, the anger, the upset, whatever comes up, so 779 00:50:09,200 --> 00:50:13,000 Speaker 1: that you can begin to know what it is that's 780 00:50:13,040 --> 00:50:17,640 Speaker 1: going on inside that's showing up on the outside. I 781 00:50:17,680 --> 00:50:20,000 Speaker 1: hope this has been helpful to someone, And if you 782 00:50:20,080 --> 00:50:24,719 Speaker 1: have a question about this or any other relationship issue. 783 00:50:24,840 --> 00:50:28,120 Speaker 1: You can call me live at seven seven five three 784 00:50:28,239 --> 00:50:31,440 Speaker 1: zero seven seven seven six eight now be sure to 785 00:50:31,480 --> 00:50:34,960 Speaker 1: follow me on social media for all of the calling times, 786 00:50:35,320 --> 00:50:40,320 Speaker 1: and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The 787 00:50:44,880 --> 00:50:48,799 Speaker 1: R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership 788 00:50:48,840 --> 00:50:54,080 Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the 789 00:50:54,120 --> 00:50:58,759 Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your 790 00:50:58,760 --> 00:50:59,640 Speaker 1: favorite shows.