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Speaker 1: Okay, we are back with Jillian Turrecky. She is a

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Speaker 1: relationship coach coach. She was here last month to answer

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Speaker 1: all of your sex back. We didn't do sex, did we.

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Speaker 1: We just did dating questions, questions dating relationship. That's that's

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Speaker 1: more like it, um. And we didn't get through very

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Speaker 1: many of them because we had so many from people

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Speaker 1: when they heard that you were going to be our guests.

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Speaker 1: So we decided to have you back. Thank you so

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Speaker 1: much for being here again. Thank you so much for

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Speaker 1: having me. Hello Chip. I should also mention Chip is

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Speaker 1: here here. I know what you're doing over there. I

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Speaker 1: don't know that I see bird Cloud band. Yes, I'll

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Speaker 1: let the people google bird Cloud to find their own

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Speaker 1: songs that if you know any bird Bloud songs, you

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Speaker 1: know what I mean? You know if you know you know? Um? Okay,

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Speaker 1: Well we were just talking actually with Jillian kind of

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Speaker 1: about like the heaviness in our world. I got a

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Speaker 1: little bit of an escape when I went to Bali

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Speaker 1: and Um, I was like, well, let's dive in and

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Speaker 1: talk about relationships then and you said something. You were like, well,

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Speaker 1: it's it's what we've got. And I said, I kind

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Speaker 1: of think it's all we've got right now. It's kind

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Speaker 1: of feels like the one thing we can bank on.

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Speaker 1: Are you guys feeling that at all? Um, I think

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Speaker 1: it's become really important to people, and it's always been

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Speaker 1: really really important. But I think that, um, there's there's

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Speaker 1: sort of two camps. There's people who one is you know,

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Speaker 1: there's still an immense amount of loneliness that's happening and

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Speaker 1: that people are experiencing. People I think today are lonelier

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Speaker 1: than ever and that has to do with technology and

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Speaker 1: the pandemic is the combination of the two. And it's

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Speaker 1: even though the pandemic is whatever, it's not considered a

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Speaker 1: pandemic anymore, people are still very lonely. And so I

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Speaker 1: think that there are people there's sort of two camps.

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Speaker 1: There's people who just really really want to find partnership

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Speaker 1: and are having a hard time finding that because, Um,

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Speaker 1: I think that they were faced with this reality, you know,

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Speaker 1: face the reality of our mortality, that life is sort

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Speaker 1: of short seting and very uncertain. And then I think

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Speaker 1: that there's another camp of people like no one wants

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Speaker 1: to commit. Everyone just wants to have like the just

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Speaker 1: the freedom and so um, but either way. Yeah, it's

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Speaker 1: it's definitely weighing heavily on people's minds. And I think

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Speaker 1: that I also think that people are having a harder

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Speaker 1: time meeting people because of the the struggles that people

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Speaker 1: are having, particularly on dating apps. And yeah, so yeah,

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Speaker 1: I know that I personally too. It's like, I'm an

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Speaker 1: incredibly social person, but my habits changed so much over

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Speaker 1: the last few years. Like it's not that I don't

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Speaker 1: want to meet somebody, it's that like I almost can't

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Speaker 1: be bothered to go out unless there's a real reason

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Speaker 1: to go out, and to me, meeting someone isn't reason

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Speaker 1: enough to just go out, you know, like i'd much try.

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Speaker 1: It's not that I'm lonely either, you know, I'm happy

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Speaker 1: to be sitting at home with nothing to do. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I know that's funny that I'm glad that you mentioned

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Speaker 1: that ship, because that is people's habits have changed so much.

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Speaker 1: They don't want to go out, they don't want to

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Speaker 1: like put on that outfit, they don't want to It's

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Speaker 1: it's it's not even people are really okay, just kind

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Speaker 1: of like chilling in their corner. And so, yeah, there's

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Speaker 1: definitely a lot of people who are feeling sort of unmotivated. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: like it takes a lot. And actually I've recently started

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Speaker 1: on dating apps, which what a weird world that is

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Speaker 1: just or about this yet, but I've tried to start

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Speaker 1: dipping my toe back into dating and um, the apps,

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Speaker 1: it's interesting in some ways make me feel more lonely.

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Speaker 1: Is that Like it's like I'll be sitting there and

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Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, I'm gonna like reach out. But then

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Speaker 1: I think maybe if you don't feel like you're seeing

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Speaker 1: anyone you're interested in or that's in line with you,

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Speaker 1: it's kind of it exacerbates the isolation that maybe you

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Speaker 1: already feel. Um, yeah, it's well, I think it's discouraging.

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Speaker 1: And then it perpetuates the story that I'm always you know,

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Speaker 1: I'm always going to be alone. And then they're also

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Speaker 1: then and then there's also the the idea that like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I'm just one of them, I'm one of the sea

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Speaker 1: of women that people are just swiping through to see

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Speaker 1: if you know, they're interested in reaching out to. And

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Speaker 1: so it's so deeply impersonal and I think that that's

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Speaker 1: very hard. Yeah, it can be very it can be

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Speaker 1: very thrilling at first because it feels like, oh my gosh,

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Speaker 1: there's so much possibility. There's all these people right in

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Speaker 1: my hand. And then they don't respond, or they do

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Speaker 1: when they're boring or their personality doesn't match the picture

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Speaker 1: or whatever, and there's look, there's nothing that compares to

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Speaker 1: the like that thing that happens when you need a

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Speaker 1: stranger at the bar that you're like, holy shit, that

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Speaker 1: something something is electric about this. Um you're very much

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Speaker 1: though chips speaking from the perspective of a man, because

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Speaker 1: that's not yeah, because and then do they're like, oh

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Speaker 1: my god, whether they're gay or straight. It's like, this

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Speaker 1: is like there's so much, you know, there's so much

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Speaker 1: I can't either so much I can look at Women

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Speaker 1: don't think that way. Women are more like, oh god,

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Speaker 1: like this is that's not right? These are the options.

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Speaker 1: That's a lot of us like where are they There's

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Speaker 1: a lot of me thinking that too, definitely, But women

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Speaker 1: are it's just just a very different because women aren't

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Speaker 1: necessarily as visual as men are, right, so women are

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Speaker 1: kind of looking for for other things. And then there's

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Speaker 1: just you know, there's a whole a whole other lot

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Speaker 1: of stuff. Yeah, God, we should do a whole episode

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Speaker 1: on dating apps. Probably it seems like it could cover

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Speaker 1: a lot for a lot of people these days, but

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Speaker 1: it is. It's sort of this weird position you get

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Speaker 1: in because it's, like you said, Chip, you know, maybe

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Speaker 1: I don't want to go out and so and like

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Speaker 1: the older we've gotten, it's like you do have to

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Speaker 1: have a reason to go out, and and then you're

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Speaker 1: meeting friends who you maybe haven't seen, Like we don't

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Speaker 1: see our friends as much as we used to in

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Speaker 1: the twenties because we're all busy are in our twenties, sorry,

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Speaker 1: because we're all so busy, And so then I focus

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Speaker 1: on my friends, like I'm not trying to like meet

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Speaker 1: random people when I go out to dinners usually, you know. Um,

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Speaker 1: so it feels like an app is kind of one

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Speaker 1: of the only ways to meet new people these days.

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Speaker 1: So it's like this weird frustrating, like I don't really

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Speaker 1: feel in line with being on a dating app at all, honest,

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Speaker 1: and I don't know how to meet people otherwise. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: so this is when people have to actually get really creative, because, um,

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Speaker 1: this is when you have to start going to certain

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Speaker 1: events where people like if you date men where you know,

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Speaker 1: men are going to be and if you date women

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Speaker 1: where women are going to be. Um, you know a

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Speaker 1: lot of women will be like, well I go to

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Speaker 1: my yoga class. It's like, okay, you're a straight woman

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Speaker 1: in that Inside that yoga class is going to be

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Speaker 1: a bunch of other straight women and some gay men.

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Speaker 1: I mean, yes, there's gonna be some straight men. But

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Speaker 1: like that's not where you're gonna meet your dude. Like,

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Speaker 1: go take an archery course if you're looking for a

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Speaker 1: strate to like try like get yourself out there. Um. Go,

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Speaker 1: Now that you can travel, go travel, you do have

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Speaker 1: to get more creative. And but the thing is there's

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Speaker 1: things that are fingertips still, which is which is really great. Um.

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Speaker 1: In other words, like you can there are things that

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Speaker 1: you could be doing if you wanted to be proactive

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Speaker 1: about it, you know, I mean such as such as

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Speaker 1: like well such just like taking a class or going

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Speaker 1: like if you live in and if you live by

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Speaker 1: the water, going to do like you know, learning how

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Speaker 1: to boat or something, or taking a sailing class. This

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Speaker 1: I'm talking about women who are looking for men for example. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: there are other things that you could you could be doing.

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Speaker 1: I mean, there are things you're gonna be like, I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna try this, I'm gonna learn something new. Or you

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Speaker 1: go to or you go to an event where there's

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Speaker 1: a speaker speaking and it's an interesting thing. Maybe you're

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Speaker 1: into science and like you go there and you meet

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Speaker 1: someone there. Um so like minded thinking kind of things

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Speaker 1: like like minded thinking. But you know, if you're really

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Speaker 1: into wellness, you're not necessarily you know, you may have

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Speaker 1: to step outside of your box. You can't just stay

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Speaker 1: outside the rocks. Um. Life used to be a lot

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Speaker 1: easier way back when, when you know, we were probably

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Speaker 1: maybe not even born yet, which is just like you know,

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Speaker 1: you date the person who's like who grew up in

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Speaker 1: your town, or you get or you get fixed up with,

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Speaker 1: you know, by someone like. Life was very simple and

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Speaker 1: it's become very complicated. But interestingly enough, I was just

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Speaker 1: talking to a few clients, single clients of mine who

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Speaker 1: are on the dating apps, and I mentioned this a

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Speaker 1: little bit on social media, which is that people we

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Speaker 1: really have to have strong boundaries that you're committed to

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Speaker 1: when it comes to dating apps. What I have found

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Speaker 1: to be the biggest mistake that is actually driving their

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Speaker 1: people are driving themselves nuts doing this is this constant

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Speaker 1: texting back and forth on the app. So you have

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Speaker 1: these adults basically doing things that that thirteen year old

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Speaker 1: to do with each other, which is the constant texting.

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Speaker 1: And I've been telling women in particular, say this, this

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Speaker 1: is my number. Tell whoever you're you're you're interested in,

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Speaker 1: this is my number. Why don't you why don't you

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Speaker 1: text me when it's a good time to you know,

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Speaker 1: we can coordinate a good time to have a phone chat.

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Speaker 1: Because I think you should have a phone call with

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Speaker 1: someone before you go on a date with them. And

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Speaker 1: and here's the thing, if they follow through, because that's

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Speaker 1: your boundary, like your boundary could be I want to

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Speaker 1: have a phone conversation and not go texting back and forth.

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Speaker 1: That's not how i'm That's not how me. That's not

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Speaker 1: how I that's not how any how I wanted to

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Speaker 1: keep on saying, like me Jillian or miya or that's

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Speaker 1: not how I date. So how I date is like

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Speaker 1: we like each other, we get on a phone call

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Speaker 1: and then if it works, if there's rapport, hopefully you know,

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Speaker 1: one of us asked the other one out, and we

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Speaker 1: go out and we meet for a drink, or a

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Speaker 1: coffee or something like that. But so if someone isn't

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Speaker 1: respecting that boundary, then there's gonna be no follow through

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Speaker 1: with that. They'll be like make up excuses and then

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Speaker 1: already it's like, okay, you just delete that person. Ye,

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Speaker 1: but you got the that's all you need to know

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Speaker 1: because they're ready. Because here's what, you know, what people

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Speaker 1: don't realize is that people show you who they are

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Speaker 1: very very early on. And it's not that you should be,

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Speaker 1: you know, on such hot you know, I I also

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Speaker 1: speak against. I don't want people to be so hyper

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Speaker 1: vigilant that they're looking for red flags. But something like

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Speaker 1: laying down a boundary like this is how I like

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Speaker 1: to date, and then someone not not following those instructions

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Speaker 1: of how you like to date or following that boundary,

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Speaker 1: there's no point in getting together with them because it's

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Speaker 1: are you already know it's not a match because they

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Speaker 1: do not respecting one of your boundaries, they're not in

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Speaker 1: alignment with your period. I will say, that is what

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Speaker 1: the apps are helping me to understand about myself. Like

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Speaker 1: I'm kind of using it as this practice for what

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Speaker 1: it is, like finding out what it is exactly I

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Speaker 1: like what my boundaries actually are. Um, and for that

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Speaker 1: it's helpful because pretty quickly I'm able to determine. I mean,

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Speaker 1: there's only been one guy I've actually met up with,

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Speaker 1: and it was once and then I was like, well,

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Speaker 1: this didn't pan out for me either. But it's just

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Speaker 1: interesting to like note the things that are very quickly

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Speaker 1: not gonna work for me. And it's mostly about communication

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Speaker 1: and um or lack of intention, you know, like I

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Speaker 1: don't want to be texting back and forth like I'm forty.

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Speaker 1: Maybe that's why is I'm just like I don't have

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Speaker 1: time for the ship. But like literally, if they don't

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Speaker 1: follow through with like scheduling some sort of either a

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Speaker 1: phone call or a meet up within a couple back

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Speaker 1: and forth, I'm like, I'm out because I don't want

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Speaker 1: to be doing that. And um, it's just interesting because

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Speaker 1: you really do figure it out pretty quickly what someone's

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Speaker 1: intentions are, and a lot of them would just sit

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Speaker 1: and want to string you along for like, you know,

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Speaker 1: companionship if they get lonely and like that does not

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Speaker 1: that is not what I'm looking for. No, And what

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Speaker 1: people do is that they also meet someone and they're like, well,

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Speaker 1: they're good looking, they have a nice job, and then

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Speaker 1: all of a sudden they throw their boundaries out the window.

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Speaker 1: And that's that's a recipe for disaster. So you have

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Speaker 1: to figure out what you want, and then you have

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Speaker 1: to be very loyal to it. Yeah, stand up to

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Speaker 1: it or keep holding it. Yeah, And I think it's

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Speaker 1: I think it's important to um. Another reason why it's

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Speaker 1: important to sort of like get to that quickly is

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Speaker 1: to do it. The more you have repetition doing it,

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Speaker 1: the less um novel it feels. Where like, because I

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Speaker 1: think when it feels novel is when you are willing

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Speaker 1: to throw out your boundaries because you're like, holy sh it,

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Speaker 1: like it's happening, you know, and you're excited for the

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Speaker 1: wrong reasons. Whereas if you like you get in the

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Speaker 1: habit of like, okay, text for a minute, then get

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Speaker 1: on the phone call. If it doesn't work out, it

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Speaker 1: doesn't work out a you're you're getting practice getting rejected,

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Speaker 1: which is really important, or deciding what you don't want

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Speaker 1: because maybe you're the one doing the rejecting. UM. But yeah,

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Speaker 1: I mean, I know I struggle with that. It's like

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Speaker 1: the novelty of like, oh, this person seems interested and yeah,

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Speaker 1: I catch myself throwing my boundaries out all the time.

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Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah, and it's it's it's definitely a road

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Speaker 1: to disaster. Yeah yeah, Well, I think boundaries are really important,

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Speaker 1: which actually leads me to the first question I was

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Speaker 1: going to ask you, Um, and this doesn't Actually I

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Speaker 1: think it's really important to start with boundaries at the beginning,

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Speaker 1: and that I know something for me is like I

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Speaker 1: have gone through most of my dating life just boundaryless,

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Speaker 1: and so I've gotten myself in these situations or relationships

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Speaker 1: where it ends up being very painful eventually because then

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Speaker 1: I do have to set a really hard boundary and

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Speaker 1: not only are the is the other person shocked, but

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Speaker 1: it's like it becomes they're they're like, what, you actually

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Speaker 1: are going to stand up for yourself for once? Um,

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Speaker 1: But it becomes it makes the dynamics so much more

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Speaker 1: tumultuous because it's not you know, I'm sacrificed quote unquote

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Speaker 1: sacrificing myself for being walked all over. Then I finally

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Speaker 1: stand up for myself and it just it produces such

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Speaker 1: a bad dynamic. So starting out with the boundary seems

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Speaker 1: to be very important. But then once you're in a relationship,

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Speaker 1: um um. Hearing from a lot of people that boundaries

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Speaker 1: can be tricky. And so one of my friends actually

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Speaker 1: we were talking yesterday and she was she's just getting

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Speaker 1: out of a relationship that has been pretty toxic for her.

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Speaker 1: But one of the things her ex is has done

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Speaker 1: is weaponized boundaries in general. Like they were in couples

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Speaker 1: therapy together, and so the term boundary was used a lot.

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Speaker 1: And so in her experience, he was setting quote unquote boundaries,

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Speaker 1: but they were more like walls and stonewalling. And so

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Speaker 1: she asked me, she follows you and like a huge family,

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Speaker 1: she was like, I'm just struggling to accept what is

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Speaker 1: a boundary and what is stonewalling? And how do I

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Speaker 1: know the difference when it's happening. So stonewalling is basically

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Speaker 1: is not a boundary, It's it's a wall. So boundaries

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Speaker 1: are not supposed to. Boundaries are not there to wall

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Speaker 1: you off or to wall other people's off off of you.

290
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Speaker 1: Boundaries are there to um, teach yourself and to teach

291
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Speaker 1: people how you want to be in relationship. Boundaries are

292
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Speaker 1: also very much internal. They're like um, Like a lot

293
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Speaker 1: of people who call themselves who who think of themselves

294
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Speaker 1: as UM very emphatic, like very empathetic. They're always they say,

295
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Speaker 1: they absorb other people's energy. Um, they need boundaries not

296
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Speaker 1: to keep people out. I mean they need boundaries too

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Speaker 1: to not so that they don't absorb other people's energy

298
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Speaker 1: but has nothing to do with the other person. So

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Speaker 1: boundaries are tricky because they are meant to be somewhat

300
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Speaker 1: porous and they are meant to be flexible because you

301
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Speaker 1: may need a boundary with someone who just start of dating.

302
00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:06,040
Speaker 1: Like the boundary could be, UM, I want to get

303
00:17:06,119 --> 00:17:09,440
Speaker 1: to know you and I want to be UM exclusive

304
00:17:09,520 --> 00:17:14,760
Speaker 1: before I have sex with you. That's a very specific

305
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:18,119
Speaker 1: boundary for a very specific stage of dating. It's not

306
00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:20,359
Speaker 1: the boundary that you have, you know, with a friend

307
00:17:20,359 --> 00:17:23,639
Speaker 1: who you're not sleeping with, So they're they're very specific.

308
00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:28,680
Speaker 1: Stonewalling is literally when someone is just refusing to communicate.

309
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Speaker 1: They're completely shut down. It's almost like the silent treatment. UM.

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Speaker 1: Stonewalling is self preservation for someone who feels very very

311
00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:49,000
Speaker 1: overwhelmed by their partner, by a fight or by a situation,

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00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:53,920
Speaker 1: and so that is their way of protecting themselves from

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Speaker 1: further pain or hurt, and that's not an excuse. It's

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Speaker 1: a dysfunctional behavior, but so is so is a lot

315
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Speaker 1: of the things that we do when we're anxious. It's

316
00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:07,360
Speaker 1: definitely a dysfunction, dysfunctional behavior, but it is it has

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Speaker 1: to be understood that the person is doing it because

318
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:17,080
Speaker 1: they are overwhelmed. So, Um, when there's stonewalling, that's not

319
00:18:17,359 --> 00:18:21,800
Speaker 1: really that's not a boundary, Like ignoring your partner is

320
00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:25,000
Speaker 1: not a boundary. It's it's it's something else, it's a wall,

321
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Speaker 1: it's stonewalling. So I don't I don't know the details

322
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Speaker 1: of what your friend is actually going through. Um, it

323
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:35,280
Speaker 1: sounds to me it could be that he feels like

324
00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:38,720
Speaker 1: there's been a lot of boundaries that have been violated.

325
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Speaker 1: So his stonewalling is the thing that he does to

326
00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:45,760
Speaker 1: protect himself. I don't know. I don't know because I can't. Yeah,

327
00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:48,720
Speaker 1: I'm not there there, you know there coach rather So

328
00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:52,000
Speaker 1: I don't know, of course, And I mean I think, yeah,

329
00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:55,000
Speaker 1: they have their own stuff to work there. He has cheated,

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00:18:55,119 --> 00:18:57,840
Speaker 1: and so there was all of these like other boundaries

331
00:18:57,840 --> 00:19:01,240
Speaker 1: that were violated. Um. But something that I do or

332
00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:05,080
Speaker 1: I've experienced and I've seen is that dynamic of when

333
00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:08,280
Speaker 1: the person feels overwhelmed, then the stonewelling happens. But then

334
00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:10,560
Speaker 1: if you're on the other side of that, it can

335
00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:13,400
Speaker 1: It's that anxious avoidant dynamic we all hear about so much.

336
00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:18,160
Speaker 1: It's awful. It activates the fear and the other the

337
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:20,720
Speaker 1: other person because you're like, wait, I can't even talk

338
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:24,400
Speaker 1: to you. It's it's terrible because some people stonewall when

339
00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:27,160
Speaker 1: they're when it's like someone goes blue and then they're

340
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:30,119
Speaker 1: like overwhelmed. So you know, it's like it really is

341
00:19:30,160 --> 00:19:33,480
Speaker 1: just like in relationship, it's like we have to what

342
00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:40,399
Speaker 1: makes a relationship turn um unhealthy quickly? Or two people

343
00:19:41,359 --> 00:19:45,119
Speaker 1: who are just too triggerable, like they are just a

344
00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:50,280
Speaker 1: walking trigger and they're constantly triggering each other and as

345
00:19:50,359 --> 00:19:55,399
Speaker 1: the result, there then going into a reactive pattern of

346
00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:59,439
Speaker 1: behavioral pattern that they've done for a long time, and

347
00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:02,680
Speaker 1: it's it becomes if it gets bad enough, it becomes

348
00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:05,720
Speaker 1: a nightmare. But you know, if you're in a relationship

349
00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:09,760
Speaker 1: with someone and there's cheating involved and there's lots of

350
00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:15,000
Speaker 1: boundary violations, you know, So I guess since we started

351
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:21,159
Speaker 1: this conversation addressing people who are single, where if you're single,

352
00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:25,400
Speaker 1: you're at a huge advantage in the sense that you

353
00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:30,399
Speaker 1: can really figure out what kind of relationship you want

354
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:34,320
Speaker 1: to be in now that differs from the relationships that

355
00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:37,200
Speaker 1: you've been in the past, and then you can think

356
00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:42,520
Speaker 1: about what has to be different, you know. Like I

357
00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:48,440
Speaker 1: have one client who said, I I am committed my

358
00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:52,560
Speaker 1: boundaries that I will only be in a relationship with

359
00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:58,080
Speaker 1: with in a relationship that values communication. I would rather

360
00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:03,720
Speaker 1: over communicate than under communicate. So therefore she had to

361
00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:07,040
Speaker 1: figure out what she needed to change in herself to

362
00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:10,879
Speaker 1: be able to say to a date like, this is

363
00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:14,520
Speaker 1: the kind of relationship I want to have. I'm committed

364
00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:19,159
Speaker 1: to this. Yeah, being with someone who's not communicative is

365
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:23,040
Speaker 1: a deal breaker for me. So if we're like one month,

366
00:21:23,119 --> 00:21:25,119
Speaker 1: two months, in three months and it's great, and then

367
00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:28,159
Speaker 1: we have our first problems and you're not communicating and

368
00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:32,880
Speaker 1: you're not meeting me there, I will break up with you. Wow,

369
00:21:33,520 --> 00:21:36,320
Speaker 1: and be that clear about it. It's not this is

370
00:21:36,359 --> 00:21:42,919
Speaker 1: this is not first cover first date complation. But right,

371
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:44,439
Speaker 1: maybe if you were so that this is not the

372
00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:47,959
Speaker 1: first date, but you count on a first date, share

373
00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:53,200
Speaker 1: about how important that is to you. Yeah, you're like, oh, yeah,

374
00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:55,239
Speaker 1: I was in his relationships and there's a lot of

375
00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:58,840
Speaker 1: non you know, under communicating, miscommunicating. So now I'm really

376
00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:02,800
Speaker 1: dedicated to having a relationship. We're like there, we do

377
00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:06,480
Speaker 1: not allow you the pink elephant to enter the room ever, like,

378
00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:09,359
Speaker 1: and you just kind of share that and then see

379
00:22:09,359 --> 00:22:12,679
Speaker 1: what the other person says yea, And if they're in line,

380
00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:15,359
Speaker 1: it's not going to be scary. That's like, oh yeah,

381
00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:18,879
Speaker 1: I've been there too. Yeah. I mean, actions speak louder

382
00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:21,760
Speaker 1: than words. But if at least you get in a

383
00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:24,240
Speaker 1: sense of where someone's at, at least you're sharing, you're

384
00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:28,080
Speaker 1: actually sharing something. I mean, you could really say to

385
00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:31,159
Speaker 1: someone this is this is a deal breakroup for me.

386
00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:34,520
Speaker 1: So if that's a problem for you, like, I'm giving

387
00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:36,440
Speaker 1: you the out, like there's the door, like you can

388
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:39,399
Speaker 1: like you know, I'm giving you the opportunity, Like don't

389
00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:42,800
Speaker 1: hide anything, is what I'm trying to say. I like

390
00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:44,880
Speaker 1: that because I think a lot of times we get

391
00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:47,560
Speaker 1: so uncomfortable of oh I don't want to mention this

392
00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:49,439
Speaker 1: because it sounds like it might scare them away. And

393
00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:51,720
Speaker 1: if it scares them, like they're really not the right

394
00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:55,439
Speaker 1: person for you. And if you're actually not. What I

395
00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:58,359
Speaker 1: know for me is like if me not saying my truth,

396
00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:01,480
Speaker 1: I'm not actually being authent either. Then you know, like

397
00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:04,560
Speaker 1: I'm not being a full self or being honest because

398
00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:08,480
Speaker 1: I'm so scared of losing the relationship. That's exactly right.

399
00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:11,879
Speaker 1: So you have to be authentic. Yeah, And the and

400
00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:16,400
Speaker 1: the paradox is that the kind of like for you specifically,

401
00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:18,560
Speaker 1: the kind of man that you're gonna want to be with,

402
00:23:19,840 --> 00:23:26,480
Speaker 1: he only wants a woman who's authentic rights exactly. So yeah,

403
00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:33,719
Speaker 1: there you go. Yeah, okay. Next question says, how do

404
00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:37,000
Speaker 1: you know the difference between being a partner's therapist and

405
00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:43,280
Speaker 1: listening to their problems? So when you when you go

406
00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:47,640
Speaker 1: into when one goes into coaching, healer therapy mode with

407
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:50,840
Speaker 1: their partner, there's a few things that are happening. One,

408
00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:54,680
Speaker 1: they're trying to constantly fix the other person's problem mm hmmm,

409
00:23:55,320 --> 00:23:59,080
Speaker 1: as opposed to just listening, because that's very different. And

410
00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:04,520
Speaker 1: number two, they are they might get that there's actually

411
00:24:04,520 --> 00:24:09,080
Speaker 1: a few points here. So they are either they find

412
00:24:09,119 --> 00:24:14,320
Speaker 1: themselves getting frustrated with their partners progress or lack of progress,

413
00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:17,960
Speaker 1: and so they're trying to act there they're crossing their

414
00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:21,399
Speaker 1: boundary there there they are boundary. Listen, They're like, no,

415
00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:23,159
Speaker 1: let me fix this, let me help you, let me

416
00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:25,000
Speaker 1: help you, let me steer you in the right direction.

417
00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:32,120
Speaker 1: And then number three is some people feel um. Some

418
00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:35,679
Speaker 1: people feel like they have to earn their keep, they

419
00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:38,800
Speaker 1: have to earn their partners love. So they figure out

420
00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:41,879
Speaker 1: a way to be needed. Yeah, they're like, I'm going

421
00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:44,000
Speaker 1: to be needed and just heal you. And some people

422
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:47,560
Speaker 1: it's just it's just a bad habit because they they're

423
00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:49,359
Speaker 1: really good at it. Maybe they're really good at giving

424
00:24:49,359 --> 00:24:54,560
Speaker 1: advice and whatnot. But there is very few things is

425
00:24:54,680 --> 00:25:01,359
Speaker 1: valuable in a relationship as just listening to listen to

426
00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:05,320
Speaker 1: your partner, to really listen, not with not trying to

427
00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:09,639
Speaker 1: strategize while they're speaking about how you're going to you know,

428
00:25:09,760 --> 00:25:11,879
Speaker 1: what you're gonna reply with and how you're going to

429
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:17,960
Speaker 1: help them, but just to listen. Yeah, that one is tough.

430
00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:20,119
Speaker 1: I mean, I know I've been guilty in the past

431
00:25:20,240 --> 00:25:22,960
Speaker 1: of well, it is difficult. I think if you're the

432
00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:25,080
Speaker 1: person like I have, my friends come to me a

433
00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:27,520
Speaker 1: lot for advice, So I do feel like I hold

434
00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:31,000
Speaker 1: that space for people, and so it's a habit. Like

435
00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:34,160
Speaker 1: you said, like before, I know what I'm doing it automatically.

436
00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:38,040
Speaker 1: But if I'm being honest, like the truth for me

437
00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:40,080
Speaker 1: a lot of times is I want to fix my

438
00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:43,320
Speaker 1: partner because I'm afraid if they don't, you know, work

439
00:25:43,359 --> 00:25:45,480
Speaker 1: on this issue or work through this, then I'm gonna

440
00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:50,960
Speaker 1: have to leave. And so it's like this you're yeah,

441
00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:53,840
Speaker 1: I mean I think it's it's sometimes it'll I don't

442
00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:56,080
Speaker 1: know if I've thought about it as they're gonna leave me.

443
00:25:56,080 --> 00:26:00,399
Speaker 1: I'm trying to think about that. Yeah, maybe I'm sure

444
00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:03,800
Speaker 1: for other people, yes, it can be like there, it's

445
00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:06,119
Speaker 1: just the relationship is going to end. And so you

446
00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:09,360
Speaker 1: think you're doing it from a place of like saving

447
00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:12,240
Speaker 1: the relationship or like if I don't do this then

448
00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:14,440
Speaker 1: you know, So, how do we calm those fears that

449
00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:18,840
Speaker 1: they're kicking in so so just to clarify, Yeah, people

450
00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:21,200
Speaker 1: think that they're doing it because they're trying to be helpful,

451
00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:23,800
Speaker 1: but really they're doing it to protect themselves because they're

452
00:26:23,920 --> 00:26:27,639
Speaker 1: so afraid. Basically, the way that you calm those fears

453
00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:31,119
Speaker 1: is very, very not necessarily easy, but it's very simple.

454
00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:35,080
Speaker 1: It is not your job, nor is it fair to

455
00:26:35,119 --> 00:26:37,600
Speaker 1: you for you to have the expectation that your partner

456
00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:47,439
Speaker 1: should change. Okay, so but you can have a need,

457
00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:50,440
Speaker 1: which is that you know you need your partner to grow,

458
00:26:51,480 --> 00:26:53,040
Speaker 1: and you may need to grow, and that might be

459
00:26:53,080 --> 00:27:01,120
Speaker 1: really important, but you cannot force their growth. Is not

460
00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:06,840
Speaker 1: your business, it's not your project, it's not your responsibility.

461
00:27:07,920 --> 00:27:10,959
Speaker 1: So you either have to accept your partner for where

462
00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:14,840
Speaker 1: they are and who they are, or you have to

463
00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:18,959
Speaker 1: say this just doesn't work for me and walk away,

464
00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:24,320
Speaker 1: and but to try to like get in there and

465
00:27:24,320 --> 00:27:26,600
Speaker 1: try to fix it. First of all, that's very very

466
00:27:26,640 --> 00:27:30,879
Speaker 1: common a lot of people. It's it's you're in a

467
00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:33,359
Speaker 1: relationship with someone and let's say it's a good relationship,

468
00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:35,280
Speaker 1: and all of a sudden, they have this really big problem.

469
00:27:35,359 --> 00:27:38,679
Speaker 1: Whatever that problem is, it's a really big problem. And

470
00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:43,240
Speaker 1: sometimes we let problems get so all encompassing that they

471
00:27:43,320 --> 00:27:46,800
Speaker 1: become more important than the relationship. And so then people

472
00:27:46,840 --> 00:27:50,240
Speaker 1: start to notice that they are and unconsciously that this

473
00:27:50,320 --> 00:27:53,439
Speaker 1: is all unconscious, that they're in competition with the person

474
00:27:53,560 --> 00:27:57,840
Speaker 1: and their problem, person and their issue, and so they

475
00:27:57,880 --> 00:27:59,960
Speaker 1: want to do anything that they can to get rid

476
00:28:00,000 --> 00:28:02,160
Speaker 1: of this issue so they can have their partner back

477
00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:04,080
Speaker 1: or they don't, you know, or they don't have to

478
00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:08,200
Speaker 1: leave as you said, or they don't have to be unhappy.

479
00:28:08,240 --> 00:28:11,080
Speaker 1: So this is very very common. A lot of experts

480
00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:14,520
Speaker 1: would like to say this is classic codependent. It's just

481
00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:16,840
Speaker 1: so common. I don't I don't like to pathologize it.

482
00:28:16,880 --> 00:28:19,360
Speaker 1: I mean, this is what this is literally what happens

483
00:28:19,440 --> 00:28:23,600
Speaker 1: with the problem. Um. Where it does become codependent is

484
00:28:23,720 --> 00:28:26,359
Speaker 1: very classically like if you're in a relationship with an

485
00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:28,679
Speaker 1: addict and you know the person is an addict and

486
00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:31,800
Speaker 1: you're trying to change them because because to be in

487
00:28:31,800 --> 00:28:35,920
Speaker 1: a relationship with an addict who hasn't found sobriety is

488
00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:39,760
Speaker 1: a complete nightmare. So they're trying. That's where it's becomes

489
00:28:39,840 --> 00:28:43,000
Speaker 1: very classically codependent. So you have to butt out or

490
00:28:43,040 --> 00:28:47,040
Speaker 1: get out oof, but out or get out. That is

491
00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:50,320
Speaker 1: a good motto. It's hard because then you're I think

492
00:28:50,360 --> 00:28:52,560
Speaker 1: it's like when you're looking at the lens, are looking

493
00:28:52,560 --> 00:28:56,200
Speaker 1: through the lens of Okay, I'm gonna have to get out.

494
00:28:56,240 --> 00:28:59,280
Speaker 1: Like you said, if this doesn't change, you're it's like

495
00:28:59,360 --> 00:29:01,440
Speaker 1: for me, I know, I would foresee the pain and

496
00:29:01,480 --> 00:29:03,440
Speaker 1: so I would just you just want we just as humans,

497
00:29:03,480 --> 00:29:05,360
Speaker 1: I think want to avoid pain right now, we want

498
00:29:05,360 --> 00:29:06,920
Speaker 1: to avoid pain and we don't want to break up.

499
00:29:06,960 --> 00:29:08,840
Speaker 1: But also I want to add to it. If it's

500
00:29:08,840 --> 00:29:12,080
Speaker 1: if it's a really committed relationship and the two of

501
00:29:12,120 --> 00:29:15,520
Speaker 1: you are you know, very invested in one another, there's

502
00:29:15,600 --> 00:29:17,840
Speaker 1: also you know, the butt out or get out, there's

503
00:29:17,960 --> 00:29:22,640
Speaker 1: nuance there. So um, when you really love someone and

504
00:29:22,680 --> 00:29:26,400
Speaker 1: you see them going off their path, like you you

505
00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:30,360
Speaker 1: love them, you know them really well, you know what

506
00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:33,800
Speaker 1: their dreams are, you know what their path is, and

507
00:29:33,840 --> 00:29:36,360
Speaker 1: then you see them in small ways or big ways,

508
00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:40,040
Speaker 1: bearing off their path. As your partner, it is your

509
00:29:40,040 --> 00:29:45,200
Speaker 1: responsibility to say, hey, buddy, like, what's going on, this

510
00:29:45,280 --> 00:29:47,160
Speaker 1: is what's happening. You've got to get some help, Like

511
00:29:47,200 --> 00:29:50,520
Speaker 1: this isn't working. And then if it just keeps going

512
00:29:50,600 --> 00:29:53,680
Speaker 1: and nothing changes, and then then it really becomes a

513
00:29:53,760 --> 00:29:57,040
Speaker 1: butt out or get that situation. Yeah it's over time,

514
00:29:57,120 --> 00:30:01,160
Speaker 1: nothing's changing. Yeah. Yeah. It depends, you know, you can't.

515
00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:04,120
Speaker 1: It depends on the relationship and how long you've been together.

516
00:30:04,120 --> 00:30:06,800
Speaker 1: It depends how love you are, depends how invested you are,

517
00:30:06,920 --> 00:30:09,400
Speaker 1: depends depends on a lot of different things. Depends on

518
00:30:09,480 --> 00:30:11,640
Speaker 1: what the problem is, depends on how far they've gone

519
00:30:11,640 --> 00:30:15,520
Speaker 1: off the path, what that path really means, does it does?

520
00:30:15,560 --> 00:30:19,320
Speaker 1: It also depend on whether or not you're asking, like

521
00:30:19,920 --> 00:30:22,920
Speaker 1: you're you're bringing it up because you want to help

522
00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:25,800
Speaker 1: them or you want to help yourself. You want to

523
00:30:25,800 --> 00:30:30,360
Speaker 1: help the relationship, because if you are in partnership with

524
00:30:30,440 --> 00:30:36,040
Speaker 1: someone and one person is really getting is really stringing

525
00:30:36,200 --> 00:30:40,080
Speaker 1: from their path, it hurts the relationship. So you become

526
00:30:40,120 --> 00:30:43,840
Speaker 1: an advocate for the relationship. It's not about you and

527
00:30:43,920 --> 00:30:46,400
Speaker 1: it's not even about them. It's about what the two

528
00:30:46,400 --> 00:30:50,040
Speaker 1: of you have created together. And what you have created

529
00:30:50,080 --> 00:30:54,320
Speaker 1: together is dependent on two people staying on their path.

530
00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:56,400
Speaker 1: We're all going to veer off a little bit, but

531
00:30:56,440 --> 00:30:58,880
Speaker 1: we can't go too far off each other our own

532
00:30:58,920 --> 00:31:01,000
Speaker 1: path if the relation and ship is going to survive.

533
00:31:03,360 --> 00:31:05,680
Speaker 1: So that's the mindset you have to be doing it

534
00:31:05,720 --> 00:31:10,560
Speaker 1: for the relationship. Yeah, I love you, I love me,

535
00:31:10,760 --> 00:31:14,120
Speaker 1: and I really love our relationship, and I know that

536
00:31:14,200 --> 00:31:17,040
Speaker 1: this is like we are not going to survive this

537
00:31:17,160 --> 00:31:20,400
Speaker 1: if this continues. And this is where this is why,

538
00:31:20,440 --> 00:31:23,840
Speaker 1: this is when you have to reach inside of yourself

539
00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:27,640
Speaker 1: and find that strength. Whether you want to think of

540
00:31:27,640 --> 00:31:30,320
Speaker 1: it as a warrior, however, whatever however you want to

541
00:31:30,320 --> 00:31:32,959
Speaker 1: think of it arca typically, But you've got to find

542
00:31:33,120 --> 00:31:36,080
Speaker 1: that strong person inside of you, that brave person inside

543
00:31:36,080 --> 00:31:40,240
Speaker 1: of you, and become an activist within your relationship when

544
00:31:40,280 --> 00:31:44,880
Speaker 1: it's something that's serious. Yeah, but if you're just creating someone,

545
00:31:44,920 --> 00:31:47,560
Speaker 1: it's the beginning and it's like, oh, I really like him,

546
00:31:47,560 --> 00:31:50,640
Speaker 1: I'm so attracted, but he's got all these problems and

547
00:31:50,680 --> 00:31:58,320
Speaker 1: you're making excuses. It's like, you know, yeah, yourself, I'm

548
00:31:58,360 --> 00:32:00,960
Speaker 1: not going to end well, I'm not a pattern and

549
00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:02,400
Speaker 1: not to have it that. I work with a lot

550
00:32:02,400 --> 00:32:06,040
Speaker 1: of women to break and men too, by the way, Yeah,

551
00:32:06,240 --> 00:32:09,040
Speaker 1: I can see that all right. Here's the one that

552
00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:11,160
Speaker 1: I think a lot of people struggle with, especially with

553
00:32:11,200 --> 00:32:13,640
Speaker 1: social media these days. But struggling not to watch a

554
00:32:13,680 --> 00:32:19,560
Speaker 1: new watch a lover's new relationship on social media, to

555
00:32:19,680 --> 00:32:22,479
Speaker 1: not watch an old lover's new relationship, it sounds like

556
00:32:22,920 --> 00:32:25,640
Speaker 1: the X got in a new relationship and she's really

557
00:32:25,680 --> 00:32:30,600
Speaker 1: struggling to not go like info seek or yeah, thoughts

558
00:32:30,600 --> 00:32:34,720
Speaker 1: on that you have to un follow them. Yeah, I

559
00:32:34,840 --> 00:32:37,280
Speaker 1: just can't do it. I can't do And you have

560
00:32:37,360 --> 00:32:39,920
Speaker 1: to find someone in your life who can hold you accountable,

561
00:32:40,680 --> 00:32:44,120
Speaker 1: who's gonna check in on you and all of them. Yeah,

562
00:32:44,120 --> 00:32:45,959
Speaker 1: I just gotta. You have to make the decision. I

563
00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:48,280
Speaker 1: do not want to torture myself because it's what it

564
00:32:48,360 --> 00:32:52,880
Speaker 1: is, is is self mutilation. That is huge. I actually switched

565
00:32:52,920 --> 00:32:55,800
Speaker 1: the narrative because I used to struggle with this a lot.

566
00:32:55,920 --> 00:32:58,880
Speaker 1: And if I look at it as how mean it

567
00:32:59,040 --> 00:33:01,440
Speaker 1: is to me? Actually, because no matter what it is

568
00:33:01,760 --> 00:33:05,560
Speaker 1: it is, it's painful to me, Like regardless of what

569
00:33:05,680 --> 00:33:09,280
Speaker 1: I see, it's going to hurt. And so it literally

570
00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:11,920
Speaker 1: if I start looking at it as self mutilation like

571
00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:14,720
Speaker 1: you're saying, I mean, and that is essentially what it is,

572
00:33:15,080 --> 00:33:17,400
Speaker 1: it is like, actually, don't I want to be kind

573
00:33:17,440 --> 00:33:19,240
Speaker 1: and loving to myself today? So I'm not going to

574
00:33:19,360 --> 00:33:21,160
Speaker 1: do that. If someone just says to me, no, you

575
00:33:21,240 --> 00:33:23,280
Speaker 1: just can't do that, that doesn't help me to stop

576
00:33:23,440 --> 00:33:25,840
Speaker 1: like telling me not do something. It's like that's the

577
00:33:25,880 --> 00:33:29,200
Speaker 1: first thing I could do, then, you know, okay exactly.

578
00:33:29,280 --> 00:33:31,600
Speaker 1: So then so then the reframe that you know, I

579
00:33:31,640 --> 00:33:33,400
Speaker 1: want to I want to love myself, I want to

580
00:33:33,400 --> 00:33:35,360
Speaker 1: be kind to myself. I don't want to be violent

581
00:33:35,520 --> 00:33:41,320
Speaker 1: towards myself emotionally, Then yeah, yeah, I think that one helps. Um, okay.

582
00:33:41,360 --> 00:33:43,800
Speaker 1: Tips for working with an X that you still very

583
00:33:43,880 --> 00:33:53,160
Speaker 1: much care about, Like how badly do you care about

584
00:33:53,160 --> 00:33:59,120
Speaker 1: the job? Like? Can you get another one? So I

585
00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:01,600
Speaker 1: would try to figure out a way to not be

586
00:34:02,080 --> 00:34:05,120
Speaker 1: in that work space. I would try to figure figure

587
00:34:05,160 --> 00:34:08,560
Speaker 1: it out. Yeah I can't. There's no, it's just tough.

588
00:34:08,560 --> 00:34:10,839
Speaker 1: There's no there's no magic pill for that. You have

589
00:34:10,920 --> 00:34:12,560
Speaker 1: to you know, if it's a job that you love

590
00:34:12,600 --> 00:34:14,400
Speaker 1: that you want to keep, then you're just going to

591
00:34:14,480 --> 00:34:16,960
Speaker 1: have to deal with it. This is why I always

592
00:34:17,000 --> 00:34:20,319
Speaker 1: tell people never ship where you eat, because I mean,

593
00:34:20,360 --> 00:34:24,040
Speaker 1: it makes sense why people date people who they work with,

594
00:34:24,160 --> 00:34:28,240
Speaker 1: because when we're when it's like the metaphor the analogy

595
00:34:28,280 --> 00:34:31,480
Speaker 1: that I used earlier, it's like we way back in

596
00:34:31,520 --> 00:34:33,799
Speaker 1: the olden days, you'd end up with the person from

597
00:34:33,840 --> 00:34:37,080
Speaker 1: your hometown because that's the familiarity, and then you're in

598
00:34:37,160 --> 00:34:41,759
Speaker 1: close proximity to one another. That's what the workplace very

599
00:34:41,840 --> 00:34:46,359
Speaker 1: much became. But then if it doesn't work out, it's

600
00:34:46,400 --> 00:34:48,880
Speaker 1: like it's like starting to sleep with your neighbor. It's like, really,

601
00:34:48,960 --> 00:34:52,000
Speaker 1: you're sure you want to do that? Are you sure?

602
00:34:52,000 --> 00:34:54,120
Speaker 1: Because you may end up on it needing to move.

603
00:34:54,400 --> 00:34:57,799
Speaker 1: If this is Yeah, it's rough. I don't really how

604
00:34:57,880 --> 00:34:59,719
Speaker 1: much to say about it. You just have to be

605
00:35:00,239 --> 00:35:03,880
Speaker 1: strong or see if there's a way in your in

606
00:35:03,960 --> 00:35:06,880
Speaker 1: your work situation that you can change your hours or

607
00:35:06,920 --> 00:35:09,080
Speaker 1: something like that. So that's a good idea. We have

608
00:35:09,120 --> 00:35:10,759
Speaker 1: a friend who has to work with an X and

609
00:35:10,800 --> 00:35:14,160
Speaker 1: they luckily work on different floors, and I think that's

610
00:35:14,239 --> 00:35:17,839
Speaker 1: like certainly to be in contact every day because I

611
00:35:17,880 --> 00:35:21,279
Speaker 1: just can't imagine. I mean, it is like if you

612
00:35:21,320 --> 00:35:24,160
Speaker 1: have mutual friends with an X and hearing about them

613
00:35:24,160 --> 00:35:29,440
Speaker 1: like that, that is tough, so forever every day. Ever, however,

614
00:35:29,560 --> 00:35:34,160
Speaker 1: what if you this, what do you think people who

615
00:35:34,239 --> 00:35:38,719
Speaker 1: have kids I want to have to do? You have

616
00:35:38,840 --> 00:35:43,560
Speaker 1: to figure out a way, Yeah, to transition the relationship

617
00:35:43,719 --> 00:35:47,600
Speaker 1: into just work, or transition to relationship into just co parenting.

618
00:35:47,640 --> 00:35:50,279
Speaker 1: And it's a big adjustment. The big thing that just

619
00:35:50,280 --> 00:35:53,239
Speaker 1: popped in my minding in is that word boundaries. It's

620
00:35:53,320 --> 00:35:56,040
Speaker 1: just like it goes back to that at all all things,

621
00:35:56,040 --> 00:36:01,640
Speaker 1: it feels, but also internal boundary right exactly. I feel

622
00:36:01,640 --> 00:36:04,680
Speaker 1: like the co parenting scenario would be harder because it's

623
00:36:06,120 --> 00:36:09,840
Speaker 1: there's an emotional connection because of a child, like a

624
00:36:09,880 --> 00:36:13,560
Speaker 1: shared experience. Yeah, and It's like if you're if well,

625
00:36:13,640 --> 00:36:15,760
Speaker 1: if you don't agree with the way that your ex

626
00:36:15,920 --> 00:36:19,040
Speaker 1: wants to parent and you you go into some sort

627
00:36:19,080 --> 00:36:23,600
Speaker 1: of protective mother or father, thing could escalate very quickly

628
00:36:23,640 --> 00:36:25,640
Speaker 1: where it's like work is work, and you can like

629
00:36:26,320 --> 00:36:27,759
Speaker 1: that seems like it's something that you can sort of

630
00:36:27,800 --> 00:36:30,000
Speaker 1: step outside and be like, this isn't ever personal. This

631
00:36:30,120 --> 00:36:33,520
Speaker 1: is business. Yes, certainly it can be made personal when

632
00:36:33,520 --> 00:36:36,080
Speaker 1: you've got when they're vendettas and things, but when a

633
00:36:36,160 --> 00:36:38,440
Speaker 1: child is involved, that just seems like it's so much

634
00:36:38,440 --> 00:36:40,960
Speaker 1: more it would be so much more complicated and emotionally,

635
00:36:41,120 --> 00:36:45,080
Speaker 1: it's definitely complicated. It's definitely complicated. And the more contentious

636
00:36:45,160 --> 00:36:49,919
Speaker 1: the divorce or the split is, the more complicated it is. Yeah. Sure,

637
00:36:50,120 --> 00:36:55,319
Speaker 1: not a situation. Not indeed. Um okay, let's see. It's

638
00:36:55,840 --> 00:36:59,000
Speaker 1: still struggling with the balance of a divorced man and

639
00:36:59,120 --> 00:37:02,719
Speaker 1: his kids don't see him. Oh I don't see him

640
00:37:02,719 --> 00:37:05,080
Speaker 1: when he has his kids. He has two lives. I've

641
00:37:05,120 --> 00:37:09,280
Speaker 1: dealt with this. It is really hard. Mm hmmm. Um.

642
00:37:09,320 --> 00:37:11,799
Speaker 1: So this is when I always want to know the

643
00:37:11,840 --> 00:37:15,839
Speaker 1: stage of life that the that that this woman is in, like,

644
00:37:16,040 --> 00:37:18,040
Speaker 1: because if it's a young so if it's a younger

645
00:37:18,120 --> 00:37:22,200
Speaker 1: woman who wants babies of her own, I would probably say,

646
00:37:22,360 --> 00:37:25,919
Speaker 1: don't date a man with kids. Yeah, But if it's

647
00:37:25,960 --> 00:37:29,040
Speaker 1: an older woman who doesn't want kids to her own,

648
00:37:29,120 --> 00:37:33,000
Speaker 1: or she has kids to her own already, then usually

649
00:37:33,360 --> 00:37:36,360
Speaker 1: that's that's not so big of a problem. So it

650
00:37:36,480 --> 00:37:38,719
Speaker 1: sounds like when it is a problem, it's usually a

651
00:37:38,760 --> 00:37:42,520
Speaker 1: younger woman who maybe wants a family of her own

652
00:37:42,600 --> 00:37:46,520
Speaker 1: and whatnot. Um, well, yeah, there's nothing you can do,

653
00:37:46,600 --> 00:37:49,359
Speaker 1: I will say for me right now, Like I was

654
00:37:49,360 --> 00:37:52,280
Speaker 1: speaking of these apps, like anyone who has kids, I'm

655
00:37:52,360 --> 00:37:54,840
Speaker 1: not matching with because it's not something I have the

656
00:37:54,880 --> 00:37:57,400
Speaker 1: capacity for in my life right now. That was my

657
00:37:57,840 --> 00:38:00,680
Speaker 1: previous relationship, and I gave a lot and I fell

658
00:38:00,719 --> 00:38:02,319
Speaker 1: in love with the kids, and so it ended up

659
00:38:02,320 --> 00:38:05,040
Speaker 1: being like a brutal breakup because I felt like I

660
00:38:05,080 --> 00:38:07,600
Speaker 1: was breaking up with three people and I just can't

661
00:38:07,680 --> 00:38:12,759
Speaker 1: do it. Um. And also am like where I am

662
00:38:12,800 --> 00:38:15,799
Speaker 1: in my life right now. I want a man and

663
00:38:15,840 --> 00:38:19,600
Speaker 1: me to have our own relationship without other factors. And

664
00:38:19,640 --> 00:38:22,839
Speaker 1: so I sort of hear that in her hearing time,

665
00:38:22,880 --> 00:38:26,640
Speaker 1: it is a boundary for me. Thank you for acknowledging that, UM,

666
00:38:26,960 --> 00:38:28,719
Speaker 1: And that's just where I am. It's not always where

667
00:38:28,760 --> 00:38:30,760
Speaker 1: I've been or where maybe I'll be in the future.

668
00:38:30,760 --> 00:38:33,400
Speaker 1: It's where I am right now. But with her, I

669
00:38:33,480 --> 00:38:36,600
Speaker 1: hear that the balancing time. It's like he has two lives,

670
00:38:36,680 --> 00:38:39,839
Speaker 1: and I have felt that, and so it's I think

671
00:38:39,960 --> 00:38:43,040
Speaker 1: I remember being in this situation feeling like, well, I

672
00:38:43,120 --> 00:38:45,120
Speaker 1: just have to be an adult about this, like these

673
00:38:45,120 --> 00:38:48,560
Speaker 1: are children, and I can't get mad at him for

674
00:38:48,880 --> 00:38:52,880
Speaker 1: his responsibilities with his children. But it was really important

675
00:38:52,920 --> 00:38:56,640
Speaker 1: to me to have at least one night carved out

676
00:38:56,920 --> 00:38:59,680
Speaker 1: for just us. And so like that was a boundary

677
00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:03,000
Speaker 1: said within that relationship of being like I need an

678
00:39:03,080 --> 00:39:06,960
Speaker 1: intentional time um where it's just us, where there's no

679
00:39:07,080 --> 00:39:11,239
Speaker 1: ex wives, no children, no nothing for us to connect.

680
00:39:11,320 --> 00:39:13,160
Speaker 1: And so I don't know, maybe that's like a thought

681
00:39:13,239 --> 00:39:18,680
Speaker 1: too for some and I think that's a great, great suggestion.

682
00:39:18,800 --> 00:39:21,000
Speaker 1: I also think, you know, you could also reframe it

683
00:39:21,000 --> 00:39:24,520
Speaker 1: would just like, well, why would you even want to

684
00:39:24,560 --> 00:39:27,759
Speaker 1: be with him all the time, right to enjoy that

685
00:39:27,840 --> 00:39:30,239
Speaker 1: time that you have exactly it is and that you

686
00:39:30,320 --> 00:39:34,480
Speaker 1: have off doing your own to your friends, to your friends. Yeah,

687
00:39:34,760 --> 00:39:36,719
Speaker 1: because to some people it would be a it would

688
00:39:36,760 --> 00:39:39,840
Speaker 1: be a wonderful scenario. Oh totally right, Like, look at

689
00:39:39,880 --> 00:39:45,600
Speaker 1: the positives of it. I think that's a great. Okay,

690
00:39:45,680 --> 00:39:49,800
Speaker 1: will my relationship work if my fiance's my fiance prior

691
00:39:50,120 --> 00:39:53,239
Speaker 1: ortizes his sister over me, he gives her a lot

692
00:39:53,320 --> 00:39:56,560
Speaker 1: of emotional support. This is a you know, a really

693
00:39:56,800 --> 00:40:00,279
Speaker 1: common scenario where you know, in all our of our

694
00:40:00,360 --> 00:40:06,239
Speaker 1: lives there's hierarchy, and within a family there's hierarchy, and

695
00:40:06,320 --> 00:40:10,400
Speaker 1: it's like the hierarchy being who who gets the most,

696
00:40:10,680 --> 00:40:14,560
Speaker 1: who gets who gets the most amount of my love?

697
00:40:15,360 --> 00:40:17,480
Speaker 1: You know, how do I how do I spread my

698
00:40:17,600 --> 00:40:23,200
Speaker 1: attention and love? And you know, because we have parents,

699
00:40:23,200 --> 00:40:29,600
Speaker 1: you know, for most people, parents, siblings, friends, and then

700
00:40:29,920 --> 00:40:36,120
Speaker 1: partner fiance sing so um. It's hard for me to

701
00:40:36,200 --> 00:40:40,960
Speaker 1: comment on this question specifically because there is so much

702
00:40:41,040 --> 00:40:43,520
Speaker 1: nuance that I would really need to know about the

703
00:40:43,560 --> 00:40:47,640
Speaker 1: family situation. Um, And so I get a little bit.

704
00:40:48,120 --> 00:40:52,200
Speaker 1: I'm a little shy to give advice because if I

705
00:40:52,200 --> 00:40:54,880
Speaker 1: don't know the situation, it could be the wrong advice.

706
00:40:55,800 --> 00:40:58,360
Speaker 1: But I will say, you know, because who knows, maybe

707
00:40:58,400 --> 00:41:01,359
Speaker 1: his sister's special needs, I don't know, maybe because she

708
00:41:01,840 --> 00:41:04,680
Speaker 1: through something I don't. I don't know, and I don't

709
00:41:04,680 --> 00:41:07,400
Speaker 1: know how old everyone is. I don't know if there's

710
00:41:07,520 --> 00:41:10,360
Speaker 1: a family tragedy that's that's going on. I don't know

711
00:41:10,400 --> 00:41:12,960
Speaker 1: if this has always been going on. So these are

712
00:41:12,960 --> 00:41:14,480
Speaker 1: the kind of things that I would need to know,

713
00:41:15,520 --> 00:41:20,960
Speaker 1: um in order to advise honestly, but very very very

714
00:41:21,000 --> 00:41:24,520
Speaker 1: generally speaking, I think that you know, you can't really

715
00:41:24,560 --> 00:41:28,759
Speaker 1: go wrong with just communicating and saying, you know, is

716
00:41:28,760 --> 00:41:31,920
Speaker 1: it is it that? Because is it really about the

717
00:41:31,960 --> 00:41:33,719
Speaker 1: sister or is it about that you just don't get

718
00:41:33,840 --> 00:41:37,120
Speaker 1: enough attention in general from from your You would like

719
00:41:37,200 --> 00:41:41,360
Speaker 1: more attention, So you know, I would just communicate the

720
00:41:41,440 --> 00:41:44,680
Speaker 1: ways in which you would want more emotional support. So

721
00:41:44,719 --> 00:41:48,560
Speaker 1: instead of saying what's missing, or instead of making it

722
00:41:48,719 --> 00:41:52,240
Speaker 1: a situation where he has to choose between his sister

723
00:41:52,480 --> 00:41:56,319
Speaker 1: and this this person, he wrote in the question that

724
00:41:56,440 --> 00:41:58,840
Speaker 1: she should phrase it in such a way that she's

725
00:41:59,280 --> 00:42:02,000
Speaker 1: that she's making request for what what it is that

726
00:42:02,120 --> 00:42:05,120
Speaker 1: she wants, rather than complaining about what it's missing. So

727
00:42:05,200 --> 00:42:08,200
Speaker 1: that's just how I would generally answer that. Okay, I

728
00:42:08,200 --> 00:42:11,640
Speaker 1: think that's fair. Yeah, I would really like more time,

729
00:42:11,760 --> 00:42:14,080
Speaker 1: or I would really like more when I'm sad, I

730
00:42:14,080 --> 00:42:17,879
Speaker 1: would really love it when you Yeah, yeah, I like that.

731
00:42:18,640 --> 00:42:21,600
Speaker 1: How soon is it to disclose my chronic illness and

732
00:42:21,680 --> 00:42:27,240
Speaker 1: affects everything right away? Yeah? On a date, I'm assuming. Yeah,

733
00:42:27,280 --> 00:42:31,760
Speaker 1: so this is exactly what I mean. Um, when you

734
00:42:32,239 --> 00:42:38,120
Speaker 1: when we talked about you're afraid to share something because

735
00:42:38,120 --> 00:42:41,360
Speaker 1: you're afraid it's going to scare someone away. The things

736
00:42:41,600 --> 00:42:45,360
Speaker 1: about you that you're afraid are going to scare someone away,

737
00:42:46,120 --> 00:42:51,160
Speaker 1: I think need to be disclosed right away, okay, because

738
00:42:52,200 --> 00:42:55,160
Speaker 1: you want to get rid of whoever is not on

739
00:42:55,200 --> 00:42:59,440
Speaker 1: board with that. Yeah, so it's not the first thing

740
00:42:59,480 --> 00:43:03,279
Speaker 1: you bring up. Um, maybe it's a second date thing,

741
00:43:04,600 --> 00:43:08,239
Speaker 1: or maybe it's on the first date. After you you know,

742
00:43:08,440 --> 00:43:11,719
Speaker 1: clearly there's like a lot of chemistry and rapport and

743
00:43:11,760 --> 00:43:13,359
Speaker 1: it's like, you know, it's not like you sit down

744
00:43:13,360 --> 00:43:14,880
Speaker 1: and say, hey, by the way, I have this. You know,

745
00:43:15,320 --> 00:43:19,560
Speaker 1: it's when you're starting to feel like, oh, there's there's

746
00:43:19,680 --> 00:43:22,680
Speaker 1: energy here, like we like each other. Okay, I better

747
00:43:22,760 --> 00:43:26,040
Speaker 1: let him know this, because I better let her know this,

748
00:43:26,280 --> 00:43:29,719
Speaker 1: because first of all, they need to know that if

749
00:43:29,760 --> 00:43:31,680
Speaker 1: they're going to be in a relationship with me, this

750
00:43:31,760 --> 00:43:34,440
Speaker 1: is something that that I come with just like the

751
00:43:34,520 --> 00:43:38,160
Speaker 1: same your chronic illness is like having a child, you

752
00:43:38,200 --> 00:43:43,040
Speaker 1: can't conceal that, and then if they are scared off

753
00:43:43,080 --> 00:43:45,880
Speaker 1: by that, then you just have to trust that that

754
00:43:46,040 --> 00:43:51,560
Speaker 1: is not your person. Yeah. Yeah. My astrologer always as

755
00:43:51,600 --> 00:43:55,080
Speaker 1: rejection as your best protection, which in the moment doesn't

756
00:43:55,080 --> 00:43:57,880
Speaker 1: always feel true, but it is. It is true because

757
00:43:57,880 --> 00:44:00,920
Speaker 1: it's it's like if they're reject to you because you

758
00:44:01,280 --> 00:44:03,799
Speaker 1: said your truth or said something about your life like

759
00:44:04,239 --> 00:44:07,839
Speaker 1: that are person like you said, And it's okay too,

760
00:44:07,880 --> 00:44:09,919
Speaker 1: I think with that, you know they have to be

761
00:44:10,120 --> 00:44:15,120
Speaker 1: with the kid. They in comparison to the disease um

762
00:44:15,160 --> 00:44:17,400
Speaker 1: it's like, you do need to know what you're signing

763
00:44:17,480 --> 00:44:19,799
Speaker 1: up for, and you wouldn't want someone who isn't going

764
00:44:19,840 --> 00:44:22,600
Speaker 1: to be committed to your health journey with you or

765
00:44:23,000 --> 00:44:30,000
Speaker 1: exactly the capacity for it. So yeah, yeah, I was

766
00:44:30,040 --> 00:44:32,440
Speaker 1: just gonna say, I feel like those things are also

767
00:44:32,600 --> 00:44:37,600
Speaker 1: like the longer you wait, the bigger deal it becomes

768
00:44:37,880 --> 00:44:41,000
Speaker 1: to even tell them. So it's like then you're living

769
00:44:41,000 --> 00:44:46,120
Speaker 1: in anxiety. So it's it's creating other problems beyond what

770
00:44:46,200 --> 00:44:50,480
Speaker 1: that is. And it could be a non issue. Yeah,

771
00:44:50,640 --> 00:44:53,600
Speaker 1: you could have moved the right person with the right person. Yeah,

772
00:44:54,160 --> 00:44:56,800
Speaker 1: and maybe and maybe the chronic This is a whole

773
00:44:56,840 --> 00:45:00,200
Speaker 1: other thing. But maybe the chronic illness is too go

774
00:45:00,320 --> 00:45:03,080
Speaker 1: the deal for the person. Maybe they are relating to

775
00:45:03,120 --> 00:45:05,280
Speaker 1: it in such a way that it controls their life

776
00:45:05,880 --> 00:45:08,560
Speaker 1: and they attached their value to it and their worth

777
00:45:08,600 --> 00:45:10,640
Speaker 1: to it. So maybe there's a little inner work that

778
00:45:10,680 --> 00:45:12,600
Speaker 1: needs to be done in terms of how they relate

779
00:45:12,640 --> 00:45:16,279
Speaker 1: to their chronic illness, and there's going there that is

780
00:45:16,440 --> 00:45:20,399
Speaker 1: so good. Yes, what an interesting thought I had an

781
00:45:20,440 --> 00:45:24,120
Speaker 1: I had an ex tell me very early on um

782
00:45:24,239 --> 00:45:27,440
Speaker 1: that he had diabetes. He was a type one diabetic,

783
00:45:27,760 --> 00:45:30,719
Speaker 1: and the way that he shared the news was, um,

784
00:45:30,800 --> 00:45:32,799
Speaker 1: he basically was like, Hey, I just want to give

785
00:45:32,840 --> 00:45:35,279
Speaker 1: you the heads up that I'm probably not going to

786
00:45:35,440 --> 00:45:38,080
Speaker 1: live that long because I have type one diabetes. So

787
00:45:38,120 --> 00:45:41,200
Speaker 1: if you want out now, let me know. And I

788
00:45:41,280 --> 00:45:45,480
Speaker 1: was like, wow, what a warning. You know what I mean?

789
00:45:45,600 --> 00:45:47,319
Speaker 1: It's like, why don't we just why don't we just

790
00:45:47,400 --> 00:45:49,399
Speaker 1: enjoy each other while we're here, because I could get

791
00:45:49,440 --> 00:45:53,000
Speaker 1: hit by a bus tomorrow, you know, like cold outlive me,

792
00:45:53,320 --> 00:45:55,840
Speaker 1: so it's not a problem for me. It's like exactly

793
00:45:55,840 --> 00:45:57,799
Speaker 1: what Jillian is saying, that he was connecting to it

794
00:45:57,840 --> 00:46:03,280
Speaker 1: in such a dark way as opposed to saying I'm

795
00:46:03,280 --> 00:46:05,200
Speaker 1: a type one diabetes or I have some sort of

796
00:46:05,239 --> 00:46:09,160
Speaker 1: autoimmune disease, which means how I eat is like a

797
00:46:09,200 --> 00:46:12,080
Speaker 1: big health and wellness and living my life in a

798
00:46:12,120 --> 00:46:15,560
Speaker 1: particular way. It's really important, And I need a partner

799
00:46:15,680 --> 00:46:17,879
Speaker 1: rather than me trying to see like if I fit

800
00:46:17,920 --> 00:46:23,160
Speaker 1: into your life. What I need is a partner who

801
00:46:24,280 --> 00:46:28,600
Speaker 1: lifestyle that that's my boundary because I don't want someone

802
00:46:28,640 --> 00:46:30,719
Speaker 1: who's like out drinking and parting all the time because

803
00:46:30,760 --> 00:46:32,719
Speaker 1: I'm dealing with this, so you have to also think

804
00:46:32,760 --> 00:46:35,440
Speaker 1: of it. It's just like and you know, you can't

805
00:46:35,640 --> 00:46:38,520
Speaker 1: disclose this information think, you know, hoping like am I

806
00:46:38,560 --> 00:46:41,440
Speaker 1: good enough for you? It's like, no, like you fit

807
00:46:41,480 --> 00:46:47,480
Speaker 1: into my life? Yeah? Yeah, these are these are interesting,

808
00:46:47,840 --> 00:46:51,240
Speaker 1: um question, I think for a lot of women especially,

809
00:46:51,280 --> 00:46:52,960
Speaker 1: but I think this is everyone in dating. Like I

810
00:46:53,040 --> 00:46:54,719
Speaker 1: feel like we go in a lot of times with

811
00:46:54,880 --> 00:46:58,319
Speaker 1: dating and we're like just trying to get liked by

812
00:46:58,360 --> 00:47:00,000
Speaker 1: the person, and we don't want to get rid of

813
00:47:00,000 --> 00:47:02,799
Speaker 1: acted ourselves, and so we stop asking the questions of

814
00:47:02,880 --> 00:47:05,279
Speaker 1: like do I even like this person or do they

815
00:47:05,400 --> 00:47:07,279
Speaker 1: fit in my life? Like I know I've been so

816
00:47:07,320 --> 00:47:10,680
Speaker 1: guilty of that in the past totally, and women are

817
00:47:11,040 --> 00:47:14,160
Speaker 1: very very guilty of that. I mean men too, but

818
00:47:14,239 --> 00:47:16,279
Speaker 1: not in the same way. Women just struggle with their

819
00:47:16,440 --> 00:47:19,400
Speaker 1: self esteem and self worth so much. And they and

820
00:47:19,480 --> 00:47:22,759
Speaker 1: we've been conditioned um to believe that we have to

821
00:47:22,960 --> 00:47:26,120
Speaker 1: kind of be perfect to earn love, like that, that

822
00:47:26,160 --> 00:47:28,560
Speaker 1: we have to look perfect and everything has to be

823
00:47:28,640 --> 00:47:32,920
Speaker 1: perfect for for for someone to love us. And nothing

824
00:47:32,960 --> 00:47:35,600
Speaker 1: actually could be further from the truth. And the reality

825
00:47:35,719 --> 00:47:40,360
Speaker 1: is that people in general are most drawn to authenticity

826
00:47:40,400 --> 00:47:44,720
Speaker 1: and confidence. I mean that is just the aphrodisiac really

827
00:47:45,000 --> 00:47:48,919
Speaker 1: universally for everyone. So the more you can actually be you,

828
00:47:50,000 --> 00:47:53,040
Speaker 1: even in spite of all your flaws, the more magnetic

829
00:47:53,160 --> 00:47:57,520
Speaker 1: you're going to be to someone. Yeah, so true. Okay,

830
00:47:57,560 --> 00:47:59,640
Speaker 1: I like this question because it's the opposite of I

831
00:47:59,640 --> 00:48:01,880
Speaker 1: think what we hear a lot, but dealing with self

832
00:48:01,920 --> 00:48:05,120
Speaker 1: guilt when you know you were the problem. I took

833
00:48:05,160 --> 00:48:08,799
Speaker 1: my partner for granted, so it always takes two. But

834
00:48:08,960 --> 00:48:12,040
Speaker 1: I do I do really honor the person writing in

835
00:48:12,160 --> 00:48:17,360
Speaker 1: and taking full responsibilities. So the way that you do anything,

836
00:48:18,000 --> 00:48:20,360
Speaker 1: the way that you reframe anything when it comes to

837
00:48:20,520 --> 00:48:23,440
Speaker 1: making a mistake, whether it's like the mistake messing up

838
00:48:23,440 --> 00:48:27,400
Speaker 1: in your relationship is you learn the lesson and you say, Okay,

839
00:48:27,520 --> 00:48:33,000
Speaker 1: I did this, Why did I do this? And I

840
00:48:33,080 --> 00:48:37,120
Speaker 1: commit myself to never doing this again? And I think

841
00:48:37,160 --> 00:48:43,280
Speaker 1: that the energy behind this is what I did. I

842
00:48:42,280 --> 00:48:46,400
Speaker 1: I'm regretful. I feel some shame, healthy shame around it.

843
00:48:46,840 --> 00:48:49,480
Speaker 1: That's not how I want to be. But let me

844
00:48:49,520 --> 00:48:52,480
Speaker 1: put my focus on the fact that I pledge to

845
00:48:52,600 --> 00:48:56,960
Speaker 1: myself that I will never do that again. And that's

846
00:48:57,120 --> 00:48:59,880
Speaker 1: that's really all that you can do. And then may

847
00:49:00,040 --> 00:49:05,880
Speaker 1: we send them a letter saying taking accountability? Yeah? Yeah,

848
00:49:05,920 --> 00:49:09,719
Speaker 1: I think the ownership piece is huge in and of itself,

849
00:49:09,840 --> 00:49:11,839
Speaker 1: because I think a lot of times it's it's hard

850
00:49:11,880 --> 00:49:14,120
Speaker 1: to admit that we're wrong or that we cause someone

851
00:49:14,120 --> 00:49:16,240
Speaker 1: else pain. And I like what you said. It sounds

852
00:49:16,280 --> 00:49:18,759
Speaker 1: like a little bit like living amends, kind of like

853
00:49:19,320 --> 00:49:23,360
Speaker 1: doing what you need to do to not do that again,

854
00:49:23,680 --> 00:49:25,279
Speaker 1: and like whatever that looks like for you, if you

855
00:49:25,320 --> 00:49:28,960
Speaker 1: need to get help, if you therapy, you do whatever

856
00:49:29,040 --> 00:49:32,560
Speaker 1: your own processes to do something different in the future.

857
00:49:32,800 --> 00:49:34,960
Speaker 1: Is sort of like making amends to them, even if

858
00:49:35,000 --> 00:49:37,359
Speaker 1: you can't do it verbally. It would be great to

859
00:49:37,400 --> 00:49:39,960
Speaker 1: send a letter too, if that's appropriate. You know, whatever

860
00:49:39,960 --> 00:49:45,840
Speaker 1: this especially, Yeah, I mean, and then feel, you know,

861
00:49:45,960 --> 00:49:47,680
Speaker 1: feel a little bit of the guilt and the shame

862
00:49:47,840 --> 00:49:50,520
Speaker 1: a little bit, because we have to. We don't learn.

863
00:49:51,760 --> 00:49:54,680
Speaker 1: If we don't have any capacity to feel some shame

864
00:49:54,760 --> 00:49:57,000
Speaker 1: and some guilt, then we're then we're living in the

865
00:49:57,080 --> 00:50:00,960
Speaker 1: lawless society. You know, to feel it. But then you

866
00:50:01,000 --> 00:50:05,319
Speaker 1: have to forgive yourself you look, you know, like I

867
00:50:05,360 --> 00:50:09,120
Speaker 1: think that, Um, it's really important. I mean, obviously there

868
00:50:09,120 --> 00:50:11,360
Speaker 1: are extreme cases where this isn't the case, but like

869
00:50:11,400 --> 00:50:13,600
Speaker 1: when you do break up, when when two people break up,

870
00:50:14,440 --> 00:50:18,480
Speaker 1: you're processing, when you're ready, when you're over the acute pain,

871
00:50:19,080 --> 00:50:21,120
Speaker 1: you have to process it and be able to see

872
00:50:21,160 --> 00:50:24,080
Speaker 1: both you your part and their part. Yeah, that's part

873
00:50:24,080 --> 00:50:29,080
Speaker 1: of just seeing it clearly. Yeah. Yeah, Okay, we have

874
00:50:29,200 --> 00:50:31,120
Speaker 1: time for one more, so I'm gonna go. How do

875
00:50:31,400 --> 00:50:33,760
Speaker 1: you get over the fear of being cheated on after

876
00:50:33,800 --> 00:50:41,600
Speaker 1: growing up with both parents cheating? That's tricky. Yeah, the

877
00:50:41,680 --> 00:50:45,640
Speaker 1: fear of being cheated on is really really big. So

878
00:50:46,560 --> 00:50:49,920
Speaker 1: that's when you have to That's when you have to

879
00:50:49,920 --> 00:50:54,840
Speaker 1: get objective and look at your parents relationship from the

880
00:50:54,880 --> 00:50:59,760
Speaker 1: perspective of an adult and look and and and and

881
00:50:59,480 --> 00:51:01,839
Speaker 1: and examined, like what was going on and they were

882
00:51:01,880 --> 00:51:04,319
Speaker 1: cheating on each other. You know, instead of seeing that

883
00:51:04,480 --> 00:51:07,640
Speaker 1: is the norm of how people treat each other. Sorry,

884
00:51:08,440 --> 00:51:11,319
Speaker 1: instead of seeing that is enormous how people treat each other,

885
00:51:11,719 --> 00:51:14,000
Speaker 1: you should Actually, I think it's better to be able

886
00:51:14,000 --> 00:51:16,239
Speaker 1: to see your parents and see the dysfunction that was

887
00:51:16,280 --> 00:51:20,200
Speaker 1: going on in in the parents and learn from it. Yeah, yeah,

888
00:51:20,440 --> 00:51:26,960
Speaker 1: that's how you do it. Yeah, it's like parents. It's

889
00:51:27,000 --> 00:51:29,560
Speaker 1: like kids that have alcoholic parents that like grow up

890
00:51:29,560 --> 00:51:34,279
Speaker 1: and never touch alcohol because they don't want that, you know,

891
00:51:34,400 --> 00:51:37,920
Speaker 1: they don't want to end up that or or they

892
00:51:38,080 --> 00:51:42,479
Speaker 1: or they end up dating only alcoholics. Yeah, it's talking

893
00:51:42,520 --> 00:51:50,680
Speaker 1: about me again. Is that your story? Yeah? But so

894
00:51:50,760 --> 00:51:53,160
Speaker 1: you break the cycle when you recognize what it is

895
00:51:53,200 --> 00:51:56,040
Speaker 1: it's going on. Well, and then a huge piece for

896
00:51:56,160 --> 00:51:59,920
Speaker 1: me has been are huge important piece that I'm still

897
00:52:00,040 --> 00:52:04,400
Speaker 1: actually navigating, is healing my relationship with that. You know,

898
00:52:04,440 --> 00:52:06,920
Speaker 1: I'm lucky because my parents got in recovery and so

899
00:52:06,960 --> 00:52:09,760
Speaker 1: we can talk about it with whatever alcohol, cheating, whatever

900
00:52:09,800 --> 00:52:11,840
Speaker 1: it is. Like, my parents did do the work to

901
00:52:11,880 --> 00:52:15,239
Speaker 1: make some changes in their own lives. Um, So if

902
00:52:15,320 --> 00:52:17,520
Speaker 1: you didn't get that though, I think either way it's

903
00:52:17,600 --> 00:52:21,160
Speaker 1: equally as important to take whatever version of your parents

904
00:52:21,320 --> 00:52:24,440
Speaker 1: that you witnessed that caused you this trauma or whatever

905
00:52:24,480 --> 00:52:27,239
Speaker 1: this pain or this narrative to be developed in your

906
00:52:27,239 --> 00:52:32,040
Speaker 1: head and heal that relationship, UM and whatever capacity you can,

907
00:52:32,120 --> 00:52:35,439
Speaker 1: because in my experience, what's happened is until I've done that,

908
00:52:35,960 --> 00:52:38,080
Speaker 1: even though like my parents are different now, I had

909
00:52:38,120 --> 00:52:41,080
Speaker 1: to go back and heal the relationship with that childhood

910
00:52:41,160 --> 00:52:44,319
Speaker 1: version that I got of them, because without healing that,

911
00:52:44,440 --> 00:52:46,520
Speaker 1: all I was doing was continuing to draw in that

912
00:52:46,640 --> 00:52:51,480
Speaker 1: same partner to show myself what wasn't healed within me,

913
00:52:51,640 --> 00:52:55,640
Speaker 1: like I'm attracting UM. For me, it's been a lot

914
00:52:55,680 --> 00:52:59,080
Speaker 1: of twelve step work and UM, well I've done therapy,

915
00:52:59,160 --> 00:53:02,799
Speaker 1: I've done all the different modalities, but and like kind

916
00:53:02,800 --> 00:53:06,520
Speaker 1: of reparenting myself and learning the tools that I wasn't

917
00:53:06,560 --> 00:53:09,239
Speaker 1: given at that time, you know, Like, and that's been

918
00:53:09,280 --> 00:53:12,000
Speaker 1: a big part of my last year journey, was developing

919
00:53:12,160 --> 00:53:15,640
Speaker 1: a relationship with myself to esteem myself, so I wasn't

920
00:53:15,680 --> 00:53:20,600
Speaker 1: going and seeking this externally or UM. The fixing thing

921
00:53:20,600 --> 00:53:22,880
Speaker 1: that you talked about a lot, like feeling like I

922
00:53:22,960 --> 00:53:25,920
Speaker 1: need to fix my partner. It's such an old habit

923
00:53:25,960 --> 00:53:29,360
Speaker 1: of mine and pattern from my childhood. And so there's

924
00:53:29,400 --> 00:53:32,239
Speaker 1: practices that I've had to put in place to learn

925
00:53:32,239 --> 00:53:34,200
Speaker 1: those tools because I'll just keep doing that for the

926
00:53:34,200 --> 00:53:38,120
Speaker 1: rest of my life. That's what I know. You know, Yes, Um,

927
00:53:38,160 --> 00:53:42,160
Speaker 1: it's really common if you were raising an alcoholic calm

928
00:53:42,880 --> 00:53:46,200
Speaker 1: to then grow up with the belief that you have

929
00:53:46,400 --> 00:53:51,200
Speaker 1: to earn love rather than just you deserve love because

930
00:53:51,200 --> 00:53:52,799
Speaker 1: of who you are. I mean, we have to earn

931
00:53:52,800 --> 00:53:55,720
Speaker 1: each other's trust, but you don't have to earn love.

932
00:53:55,840 --> 00:54:01,480
Speaker 1: And so the fixer um is the strategy that that

933
00:54:01,640 --> 00:54:07,040
Speaker 1: child or that that adult child will will um will

934
00:54:07,280 --> 00:54:10,400
Speaker 1: use as a way to be needed by the partner.

935
00:54:10,440 --> 00:54:13,919
Speaker 1: It's like, Okay, if I'm fixing your problems, then I'm

936
00:54:13,960 --> 00:54:16,440
Speaker 1: earning your love. That's sort of the that's sort of

937
00:54:16,440 --> 00:54:20,080
Speaker 1: that say. And then well then I'm loved and then

938
00:54:20,080 --> 00:54:22,759
Speaker 1: I'm loved. Yeah, then I'm loved as opposed to so

939
00:54:23,160 --> 00:54:25,759
Speaker 1: the healing, like you said, esteem myself, and that was

940
00:54:27,200 --> 00:54:31,640
Speaker 1: that was poignant language, because that's really what it is.

941
00:54:31,680 --> 00:54:34,800
Speaker 1: It's like, you have to learn that you are worthy

942
00:54:34,920 --> 00:54:39,040
Speaker 1: of love. Um. And I think that another step in

943
00:54:39,080 --> 00:54:41,920
Speaker 1: the process is that I have to help people a

944
00:54:41,960 --> 00:54:43,880
Speaker 1: lot with and something that I had to do for

945
00:54:43,960 --> 00:54:48,520
Speaker 1: myself years ago is we have to stop relating to

946
00:54:48,600 --> 00:54:52,200
Speaker 1: our parents literally and also in our minds the way

947
00:54:52,239 --> 00:54:55,279
Speaker 1: we think of them from as a child. We have

948
00:54:55,400 --> 00:54:59,280
Speaker 1: to actually relate to them differently. We have to relate

949
00:54:59,280 --> 00:55:02,359
Speaker 1: to them as the adults, which means that even when

950
00:55:02,360 --> 00:55:07,240
Speaker 1: we're thinking about them, we're thinking about them not from

951
00:55:07,239 --> 00:55:10,720
Speaker 1: not from the perspective of these sort of um, these

952
00:55:10,760 --> 00:55:14,960
Speaker 1: beings that have power over us or so much influence

953
00:55:15,000 --> 00:55:18,520
Speaker 1: over us, or as beings that we expect to provide

954
00:55:18,560 --> 00:55:23,320
Speaker 1: for us, but rather it's just another flawed human being. Yeah,

955
00:55:23,440 --> 00:55:27,240
Speaker 1: that we're doing the best they can at the time, Yeah,

956
00:55:27,400 --> 00:55:31,200
Speaker 1: with the tools they had, and yes, and that also

957
00:55:31,360 --> 00:55:33,839
Speaker 1: maybe some of the perspectives and I'm not talking about

958
00:55:33,880 --> 00:55:38,560
Speaker 1: alcoholism here, like, but some memory are memory is very unreliable.

959
00:55:38,640 --> 00:55:42,359
Speaker 1: We distort and delete the past all the time. So

960
00:55:42,520 --> 00:55:44,240
Speaker 1: a lot of us will grow up with a memory

961
00:55:44,280 --> 00:55:47,200
Speaker 1: of something that are a look that our parents gave

962
00:55:47,320 --> 00:55:50,200
Speaker 1: us when we did something wrong as a child that

963
00:55:50,320 --> 00:55:53,279
Speaker 1: likes that literally this this could turn out to be

964
00:55:53,320 --> 00:55:56,720
Speaker 1: a trauma for someone they remember, like their their father

965
00:55:57,000 --> 00:55:59,919
Speaker 1: not picking them up from school one day, or their

966
00:56:00,160 --> 00:56:02,200
Speaker 1: m telling them to get out of the sandbox early.

967
00:56:02,280 --> 00:56:05,359
Speaker 1: And that's like they live their whole freaking lives with

968
00:56:05,440 --> 00:56:09,600
Speaker 1: this memory and this story that this memory that's been

969
00:56:10,200 --> 00:56:15,120
Speaker 1: morphed into this whole movie and narrative and with rich

970
00:56:15,200 --> 00:56:17,439
Speaker 1: with meanings and feelings, and all of a sudden, you're

971
00:56:17,480 --> 00:56:22,800
Speaker 1: you're walking around feeling traumatized because like maybe dad with

972
00:56:22,960 --> 00:56:25,279
Speaker 1: the truth is Dad like and don't I don't know,

973
00:56:25,400 --> 00:56:27,880
Speaker 1: like fell down the stairs or how to migraine and

974
00:56:27,960 --> 00:56:31,280
Speaker 1: like or like you know, totally like had to stomach

975
00:56:31,360 --> 00:56:34,239
Speaker 1: virus and forgot and like couldn't make it. You just

976
00:56:34,360 --> 00:56:36,560
Speaker 1: don't know and that and that's not like the same

977
00:56:36,560 --> 00:56:41,719
Speaker 1: thing as child of alcoholics necessarily, but it's also understanding

978
00:56:41,800 --> 00:56:46,160
Speaker 1: that we may have been looking at our parents from

979
00:56:46,200 --> 00:56:52,680
Speaker 1: a very skewed light as well. Totally, there's all. This

980
00:56:54,360 --> 00:56:57,760
Speaker 1: is all. I think that's a good thing to mention

981
00:56:57,760 --> 00:57:01,200
Speaker 1: as a tool would be you know, finding somewhere or

982
00:57:01,280 --> 00:57:04,239
Speaker 1: some facilitator to help you do some inner child work,

983
00:57:04,320 --> 00:57:06,080
Speaker 1: because I think when we go back and we can

984
00:57:06,120 --> 00:57:08,960
Speaker 1: look at the stories in our head or kind of

985
00:57:08,960 --> 00:57:12,560
Speaker 1: work through what our experience was, that's when we can heal.

986
00:57:13,000 --> 00:57:17,840
Speaker 1: Because we can either forgive, empathize, move on any of

987
00:57:17,880 --> 00:57:21,640
Speaker 1: that stuff. Or we see that something wasn't actually how

988
00:57:21,640 --> 00:57:23,720
Speaker 1: we're remembering it, and so you can let go of

989
00:57:23,720 --> 00:57:25,880
Speaker 1: it in a different way and it doesn't drive your

990
00:57:25,880 --> 00:57:31,160
Speaker 1: future exactly exactly. It's one more thing I'll say that's

991
00:57:31,160 --> 00:57:33,680
Speaker 1: helped me since you asked, was I have to like

992
00:57:33,760 --> 00:57:35,920
Speaker 1: and I'm doing this on the dating apps too, is

993
00:57:36,400 --> 00:57:39,640
Speaker 1: you know, like with the cheating piece in particular, I

994
00:57:39,680 --> 00:57:43,120
Speaker 1: think if we have this fear because it's what we saw,

995
00:57:43,520 --> 00:57:46,120
Speaker 1: and we say, well, all men are cheaters, Well you're

996
00:57:46,120 --> 00:57:50,440
Speaker 1: gonna keep attracting in cheaters because our minds are so powerful,

997
00:57:50,520 --> 00:57:53,600
Speaker 1: like we will make things true, and so we'll go

998
00:57:53,880 --> 00:57:57,400
Speaker 1: it's it's but but but yes, you're totally right, and

999
00:57:57,440 --> 00:57:59,440
Speaker 1: I love this topic, which is why I'm getting excited

1000
00:57:59,480 --> 00:58:02,080
Speaker 1: and drunk. But it's not just It's not just that

1001
00:58:02,120 --> 00:58:05,400
Speaker 1: you will attract cheaters, because I think the problem I

1002
00:58:05,520 --> 00:58:08,880
Speaker 1: have with that language is that then people start to think, well,

1003
00:58:08,920 --> 00:58:12,000
Speaker 1: I'm not in control of my destiny because I'm attracting

1004
00:58:12,000 --> 00:58:16,960
Speaker 1: shipped from my subconscious. No, you're choosing cheaters. Yeah, okay,

1005
00:58:17,080 --> 00:58:20,680
Speaker 1: that's choosing com cheaters. And there might be some pathology

1006
00:58:20,760 --> 00:58:22,960
Speaker 1: behind that because of what you were raised with and

1007
00:58:23,080 --> 00:58:27,120
Speaker 1: all of that. But no, you're choosing cheaters. You are

1008
00:58:27,360 --> 00:58:32,720
Speaker 1: or you are basically you're getting really really attracted and

1009
00:58:32,760 --> 00:58:35,800
Speaker 1: you're not sticking to your boundaries and maybe throwing a

1010
00:58:35,840 --> 00:58:38,400
Speaker 1: sprinkle of I think I need to earn love because

1011
00:58:38,400 --> 00:58:40,040
Speaker 1: I don't think that, you know, So you sprinkle all

1012
00:58:40,080 --> 00:58:42,920
Speaker 1: these little ingredients in and then what you've got is

1013
00:58:42,960 --> 00:58:46,680
Speaker 1: someone who keeps choosing cheaters. Yes, you have to take

1014
00:58:46,720 --> 00:58:50,320
Speaker 1: responsibility for them, right and when you do, though, it's

1015
00:58:50,320 --> 00:58:55,120
Speaker 1: actually empowering because absolutely, like on the dating apps, if

1016
00:58:55,120 --> 00:58:57,120
Speaker 1: I go in and I'm like, oh, there's no good

1017
00:58:57,120 --> 00:58:59,840
Speaker 1: men out there, there's no men I'm attracted to, Well,

1018
00:59:00,000 --> 00:59:01,520
Speaker 1: what do you think I find on the dating apps

1019
00:59:01,560 --> 00:59:05,680
Speaker 1: that day? That exact story? Like, it's like, yes, really

1020
00:59:05,760 --> 00:59:10,480
Speaker 1: do have to shift your energy into believing that there

1021
00:59:10,600 --> 00:59:12,920
Speaker 1: is something different, and you do have to do the

1022
00:59:12,960 --> 00:59:16,640
Speaker 1: work to choose differently. I believe that, Like, you're new

1023
00:59:16,760 --> 00:59:18,880
Speaker 1: and you have to change who you're attracted to. If

1024
00:59:18,880 --> 00:59:22,680
Speaker 1: you're compantly attracted to people who are dysfunctional, they're what,

1025
00:59:22,800 --> 00:59:25,880
Speaker 1: they're just always cheating or alcoholics or whatever, and they

1026
00:59:25,880 --> 00:59:28,160
Speaker 1: don't they're you know, they haven't dealt with their stuff.

1027
00:59:29,400 --> 00:59:32,560
Speaker 1: You're attract like your picker is off, and so you

1028
00:59:32,640 --> 00:59:37,439
Speaker 1: have to retrain the neural pathways that are in your

1029
00:59:37,440 --> 00:59:41,000
Speaker 1: brain that makes you turned on to people who are

1030
00:59:41,080 --> 00:59:43,920
Speaker 1: not good for you. So there has to be a

1031
00:59:43,920 --> 00:59:47,080
Speaker 1: lot of retraining there. And I say this a lot

1032
00:59:47,760 --> 00:59:50,920
Speaker 1: to UM women in particular, and I trust me, I

1033
00:59:50,920 --> 00:59:54,240
Speaker 1: have male men clients right now that they're retraining who

1034
00:59:54,280 --> 00:59:56,600
Speaker 1: they're attracted to as well. It's just that they're men

1035
00:59:56,640 --> 00:59:58,840
Speaker 1: and women are different, and so there's just a little

1036
00:59:58,840 --> 01:00:01,880
Speaker 1: bit of different. So there's self worth stuff, but it's

1037
01:00:01,880 --> 01:00:03,800
Speaker 1: just how it's sort of manifest. It is just sort

1038
01:00:03,800 --> 01:00:10,440
Speaker 1: of different. UM, and you have to maybe date some

1039
01:00:10,520 --> 01:00:13,840
Speaker 1: people who you're not crazy attracted to, like you know,

1040
01:00:13,960 --> 01:00:16,240
Speaker 1: like if you have that pattern and you find yourself

1041
01:00:16,280 --> 01:00:21,000
Speaker 1: crazy attracted to someone, oh that's a problem. You need

1042
01:00:21,040 --> 01:00:25,600
Speaker 1: to find someone who you feel you have to train

1043
01:00:25,680 --> 01:00:29,760
Speaker 1: yourself to be totally to fall in love and be

1044
01:00:29,880 --> 01:00:35,120
Speaker 1: turned on by the person who with whom you feel

1045
01:00:35,880 --> 01:00:43,280
Speaker 1: very comfortable to be yourself around. Yeah, that that one

1046
01:00:43,440 --> 01:00:45,840
Speaker 1: is big. That's like I'm having to do that big time.

1047
01:00:46,080 --> 01:00:48,680
Speaker 1: The ones that I'm like really attracted to, I'm like, oh,

1048
01:00:48,800 --> 01:00:52,120
Speaker 1: we should be let's go slow a little while. You

1049
01:00:52,160 --> 01:00:53,640
Speaker 1: have to you have you have to doubt, you have

1050
01:00:53,680 --> 01:00:56,000
Speaker 1: to doubt yourself, just just a little bit. Well, just

1051
01:00:56,360 --> 01:01:02,440
Speaker 1: training process. We're exactly m h. Well, Jillian, where can

1052
01:01:02,480 --> 01:01:04,760
Speaker 1: people find you if they are looking for more relationship

1053
01:01:04,840 --> 01:01:08,960
Speaker 1: tips like this? We'll certainly go to my Instagram at

1054
01:01:09,040 --> 01:01:15,200
Speaker 1: Jillian Tareki. Um. I'm also now on TikTok. Yeah, but

1055
01:01:15,240 --> 01:01:19,160
Speaker 1: you'll get more on Instagram, um and my site Jillian

1056
01:01:19,160 --> 01:01:22,120
Speaker 1: Tarek dot com. Okay, and can you talk people through

1057
01:01:22,160 --> 01:01:24,800
Speaker 1: a little bit what kind of training and coaching they

1058
01:01:24,800 --> 01:01:27,320
Speaker 1: could find on your website if they are looking for

1059
01:01:27,360 --> 01:01:30,640
Speaker 1: something a little more extensive than Instagram. Yes, certainly. And

1060
01:01:30,720 --> 01:01:36,280
Speaker 1: also I am coming out with a podcast soon. Yeah yeah, yeah,

1061
01:01:36,280 --> 01:01:39,640
Speaker 1: that's coming out soon. It's it's being produced by another company,

1062
01:01:39,760 --> 01:01:43,040
Speaker 1: So I'm gonna be going into depth into these subjects, uh,

1063
01:01:43,360 --> 01:01:46,560
Speaker 1: you know, forty five minutes segments. Um, So there's different

1064
01:01:46,560 --> 01:01:48,560
Speaker 1: ways to work with me. I have a membership which

1065
01:01:48,600 --> 01:01:51,280
Speaker 1: I really love called the Conscious Woman, and it's really

1066
01:01:51,400 --> 01:01:54,680
Speaker 1: for all women who are trying to become like all

1067
01:01:54,720 --> 01:01:57,120
Speaker 1: the stuff that we talked about today, trying to become

1068
01:01:57,120 --> 01:02:01,320
Speaker 1: more conscious in their relationships, trying to take responsibility, wanting

1069
01:02:01,360 --> 01:02:04,720
Speaker 1: to raise their self esteem, wanting good communication skills. So

1070
01:02:04,800 --> 01:02:09,160
Speaker 1: that's the membership UM. And I also have like workshops

1071
01:02:09,160 --> 01:02:13,440
Speaker 1: and stuff that for anyone who can get UM and

1072
01:02:13,680 --> 01:02:15,320
Speaker 1: you know, I've got a lot of heart anyone who's

1073
01:02:15,360 --> 01:02:18,400
Speaker 1: going through a heartbreak. I've got some content for people

1074
01:02:18,440 --> 01:02:23,240
Speaker 1: going through a heartbreak. I wrote basically outlined my exactly

1075
01:02:23,360 --> 01:02:30,360
Speaker 1: exact steps I took practically, spiritually, energetically, physically, psychologically to

1076
01:02:30,440 --> 01:02:34,360
Speaker 1: get over you know, my marriage that ended eight years ago.

1077
01:02:35,480 --> 01:02:39,080
Speaker 1: UM and uh yeah, and then I do some group

1078
01:02:39,120 --> 01:02:41,040
Speaker 1: stuff and someone on one stuff as well, So it's

1079
01:02:41,080 --> 01:02:44,439
Speaker 1: all there, all on the website. Okay, well, I'll put

1080
01:02:44,440 --> 01:02:46,200
Speaker 1: all of that in the description of this bio. And

1081
01:02:46,200 --> 01:02:49,520
Speaker 1: I'm assuming that I'm sorry of this podcast. I'm assuming

1082
01:02:49,560 --> 01:02:51,720
Speaker 1: that when the podcast, your podcast is up, you'll post

1083
01:02:51,720 --> 01:02:55,440
Speaker 1: about it on Instagram. Oh absolutely, okay, and I'll you'll

1084
01:02:55,480 --> 01:02:58,160
Speaker 1: be the first to now. Okay, cannot wait, cannot wait.

1085
01:02:58,160 --> 01:03:00,200
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for being back here. We've really

1086
01:03:00,240 --> 01:03:04,280
Speaker 1: appreciated and though are listening. It's good to see you,

1087
01:03:04,800 --> 01:03:07,920
Speaker 1: good to see you. Thank you bye, guys, thanks for listening.

1088
01:03:08,880 --> 01:03:08,920
Speaker 1: M