Speaker 1: Attention Shoppers. Attention Shoppers Employees Only is an improvised comedy
Speaker 1: podcast about an official big box store. Any similarity to
Speaker 1: real stores or real people is completely co incidental.
Speaker 2: So in the future, please do not take a lot
Speaker 2: of cash out of the register so you can take
Speaker 2: photos with it and make it rain. Ah, you know what,
Speaker 2: who cares? None of this even really matters?
Speaker 3: Oh my good, he finally gave up.
Speaker 4: What uncharacteristic solemnity from you.
Speaker 2: Jer Now, listen, guys. You may know that by Well
Speaker 2: has been struggling nationwide. There's online shopping inflation, the roving
Speaker 2: gangs of looters who attack our stores. We've been operating
Speaker 2: at a loss for a while, and now it looks
Speaker 2: like the board of directors have decided to sell our
Speaker 2: real estate portfolio to a big consortium called a mass equity.
Speaker 5: So what the hell does that mean? The stora will
Speaker 5: close and you'll be out of a job. Stakes two
Speaker 5: right on, lewis nothing.
Speaker 6: We don't set everything by right.
Speaker 2: Okay, let's get out there on the floor and get
Speaker 2: to work.
Speaker 3: Everybody, everybody, my god, Uh, I can't lose my job.
Speaker 3: I owe my landlord like ten k and back rent
Speaker 3: and I've already used the whole of the store I
Speaker 3: worked for was shut down by a consortium.
Speaker 7: Excuse, Oh my god, I can't lose my job. I
Speaker 7: won't be able to send my daughters to a small
Speaker 7: for profit liberal arts college where the major in theater
Speaker 7: and end up working as nannies for fifteen years.
Speaker 5: I can't lose my job. I'll have to go back
Speaker 5: to selling this on the street again. I guess I
Speaker 5: better start calling my old pimps, say if any of
Speaker 5: them hadn't opening for a new bitch.
Speaker 4: Lord. No, I can't lose my job. My girlfriend in
Speaker 4: Nigeria needs me to send her ten thousand this month
Speaker 4: or she'll never be able to reclaim her family estate.
Speaker 4: And now that I say it out loud, I realize
Speaker 4: it's a scam.
Speaker 7: Okay, Jerry, Now you tell us about how you can't
Speaker 7: lose your job.
Speaker 2: Uh, well, you know, it's kind of a funny story.
Speaker 2: My contract has what's called a golden parachute clause, which
Speaker 2: means if Bywell gets bought out, I make somewhere in
Speaker 2: the area a million dollars. Who cares, right, Okay, let's
Speaker 2: get out to work and let's.
Speaker 5: Cry out Jerry Jerry. This fuck.
Speaker 4: You've been a reptillion elite.
Speaker 5: You know what.
Speaker 2: You all have been making fun.
Speaker 5: Of Jerry for years. Well it's Jerry who's laughing now.
Speaker 2: Now you're all sorry you weren't nicer to old Jerry.
Speaker 7: Quit talking to the third person, Jerry.
Speaker 5: Liz, Jerry is rich.
Speaker 2: He can afford to talking the third person.
Speaker 5: Now, look who landed on boardwalking park place and now
Speaker 5: he's wearing a top hat.
Speaker 4: Rich uncle penny Bags type by.
Speaker 7: Ooh, that Trump lawyer Sidney Powell pled guilty to helping
Speaker 7: Trump try to overturn the election in Georgia. And she's
Speaker 7: gonna testify. This could really help nail him.
Speaker 5: What a day, Liz. You had to start it, didn't you.
Speaker 5: Why don't you wake up, Elizabeth? Every time Trump commits
Speaker 5: a so called crime, he posts a tweet about it,
Speaker 5: and they haven't nailed him yet. You better emotionally prepare
Speaker 5: yourself Milania to redecorate the White House again. You better
Speaker 5: do it.
Speaker 7: No those bleak ass Christmas trees. I won't have it.
Speaker 5: Money. It looked like a grown up version of Fao Schwartz.
Speaker 5: If you took Christmas and all the teddy bears out
Speaker 5: of it. That Sydney Powell, she flipped and Kenneth cheesebro too.
Speaker 5: They went down, They went down, They went down. The
Speaker 5: big boy hadn't gone down. As long as he is
Speaker 5: still standing, then we're still good.
Speaker 7: Whatever, Arnold, I'm not gonna let you ran on my parade.
Speaker 7: I cannot wait for these trials to get underwack. Me
Speaker 7: and the other Facebook resistance moms are already planning our
Speaker 7: victory party. We're gonna crack open a few bottles of
Speaker 7: two buck chuck from Trader Joe's Wear are lock them
Speaker 7: up cardigans and let it rip.
Speaker 4: I'm with you, Liz. I mean, all those people did
Speaker 4: conspire to rig the election, but not for Trump. They
Speaker 4: did it for the Rosicrucian brotherhood who secretly rules our
Speaker 4: world behind the shadows.
Speaker 3: They only find her six thousand dollars six grand I've
Speaker 3: had lash extensions that were more expensive than trying to
Speaker 3: steal an election.
Speaker 5: Look, Sidney Powell was compromised from the start. She made
Speaker 5: Trump look bad with all that talk about you go
Speaker 5: chab bez and unleashing the crake in. She needs to
Speaker 5: unleash the cosmetologist on those crazy eyes of hers. She
Speaker 5: looks like Kathy Bates and misery right before she breaks
Speaker 5: the ankles with the hammer. It's what she tried to
Speaker 5: do to my president.
Speaker 3: This has got to be a weird case for a
Speaker 3: probation officer. It's like, hey, have you been hanging out
Speaker 3: near any polling places? Somebody saw you with a Dominu machine. Sidney.
Speaker 3: You swore to me you were a clean.
Speaker 5: There were irregularities in the voting machines, and all of
Speaker 5: you damn well know it. That is why I prefer
Speaker 5: to vote the safe and secure way by writing my
Speaker 5: vote on a folded scrap of paper and dropping it
Speaker 5: into a big bowl or a cardboard box with a
Speaker 5: slot on the top of it. That has worked when
Speaker 5: every election since kindergarten, all the way up, all the
Speaker 5: way up through the daytime, bar staff shift and there
Speaker 5: is no reason to move on past it.
Speaker 4: I went to the bathroom once at the Amaco, and
Speaker 4: there was the wall had a little slot in it,
Speaker 4: and you were there, Arnold. Was that like a voting booth.
Speaker 7: Sounds like lovers were being pulled in some capacity.
Speaker 5: Yes, well, that is what you call free and fair elections.
Speaker 5: You might have seen some hanging Chad's, a few hanging Chad's, Tom's, Billy's.
Speaker 3: If I've learned anything from dating older men and being
Speaker 3: forced to watch Mafia movies, it's when people start to flip,
Speaker 3: is right when it gets good. We're about to be
Speaker 3: at the part where Trump runs from helicopters and shoots
Speaker 3: a mountain full of cocaine with an oozy r.
Speaker 7: I'm so on lawyer flipping on him though. It is
Speaker 7: like the best kind of story. It's like a crossover
Speaker 7: of my two favorite shows, Law and Order, Criminal Intent
Speaker 7: and Inside with Jensaki. I mean, you can't get better
Speaker 7: than this.
Speaker 4: I mean, thank god she took a plea, though. If
Speaker 4: Earth officials imprisoned Sydney Powell, the military response from her
Speaker 4: home planet would have annihilated us.
Speaker 7: All, Victor, you're on another level today, man. What'd you
Speaker 7: have for breakfast?
Speaker 4: Oh? Uh, just some homemade Havelna sausage. The Havelina is
Speaker 4: a small South Texan desert hog. I butcher them and
Speaker 4: make my own sausages.
Speaker 7: We live in Pennsylvania. Do you bring that meat back
Speaker 7: from trips to Texas? I'm so confused. Is there a
Speaker 7: Havelna sausage delivery service?
Speaker 4: I just got a guy who drives it up for me.
Speaker 4: Granted he doesn't have any refrigeration in his automobile, but
Speaker 4: that's the whole point of sausage, right, it's aged meat.
Speaker 4: Oh lord, I am seeing things today.
Speaker 5: Are these hogs still living and breathing with hair on
Speaker 5: their backs? Or are you just getting trucks full of
Speaker 5: strain meat.
Speaker 4: I'm not out here HEARDing these hogs around. Yeah, it's
Speaker 4: a very civilized vehicle full of loose heavelena meat.
Speaker 5: Oh lord, I tell you all this talk of a
Speaker 5: truck full of hog meat and all this cheese flipping,
Speaker 5: I'm gonna have to get myself back to the meat room, y'all.
Speaker 5: Excuse me, I'm getting hungry.
Speaker 2: Bye.
Speaker 3: Well, oh my god, look at this. An NFL marketing
Speaker 3: exec just made a statement that they had nothing to
Speaker 3: do with Travis Kelsey dating Taylor Swift. Duh, nobody has
Speaker 3: power over Taylor. She's more powerful than God. If Taylor
Speaker 3: told me to kill my firstborn, by the time she
Speaker 3: told me not to, he would already be dead. Okay,
Speaker 3: they cut to her like seventeen times during the game.
Speaker 3: They should just have a separate tailor cam.
Speaker 7: Honestly, Yeah, my daughter's Annie and Tory keep me up
Speaker 7: on all the tailor news, and I think this is
Speaker 7: definitely an upgrade for her. I mean, you could fit
Speaker 7: Joe Jonas, John Mayer and Harry Styles into Travis Kelsey's
Speaker 7: left thigh.
Speaker 3: Yes, he's so hot. He can totally put off that
Speaker 3: weird mustache that makes him look like an undercover hop
Speaker 3: who's too racist to go undercover.
Speaker 4: So hot y'all gabbing about Tay Trav I couldn't help
Speaker 4: over here. And lord, this couple here is in the
Speaker 4: media so much it's impossible not to think about them
Speaker 4: making love, Am I right? I mean we've all imagined it,
Speaker 4: the way Kelsey's muscles flex against Taylor's supple arms, the
Speaker 4: rough contact of his beard against her ruby red lips.
Speaker 4: I was up late last night and I actually did
Speaker 4: some sketches if y'all want to see.
Speaker 3: Oh my god, Victor Whiers, there's squid tensacles. What is this?
Speaker 4: I'm sorry, some different sketches.
Speaker 5: Excuse me, he's doing his charcoal crackings again.
Speaker 4: I've got krackings on the brain, y'all.
Speaker 5: Look, I'll say this, Taylor Swift and I might not
Speaker 5: have much in common, but we both love a good
Speaker 5: tied end. Whoa I tell you, honey, I was a
Speaker 5: center back in high school. I still remember how to
Speaker 5: put them long snaps down on the field. That Travis
Speaker 5: Kelcey watching the play by play. I'm watching the slow
Speaker 5: motion playback half back Power thirty six, honey.
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, Travis Kelsey dating Taylor Swift has made me
Speaker 3: love football now. I can't wait for Travis to dunk
Speaker 3: another ball in the m zones. I just love how
Speaker 3: he receives and like gifts. It's such a generous part.
Speaker 7: I don't think NFL executives had anything to do with
Speaker 7: putting Travis Kelcey and Taylor Swift together. I mean, the
Speaker 7: only time executives at the NFL get involved in their players'
Speaker 7: relationships is when they're trying to beat the allegations.
Speaker 5: Honey. You know what they're doing. They're trying to get
Speaker 5: a new demographic watch in football exactly, so I'm excused
Speaker 5: to say, oh, girls, watch football. They parade those two out,
Speaker 5: they might as well have had Taylor Swift come out
Speaker 5: in the field and fake an injury like half of
Speaker 5: them do. I'm surprised they haven't brought Barbara streisand out
Speaker 5: to throw passes to share.
Speaker 4: Y'all are very right. They should micro cast to all
Speaker 4: the different demographics that their sport has not yet reached.
Speaker 4: I'd watch football more if the national anthem were sung
Speaker 4: by Gall, the lead singer of the Norwegian black metal
Speaker 4: band Gorgoroth.
Speaker 5: Well, I've got a quick fix if you want ten
Speaker 5: percent more male viewers of professional football. Is the game
Speaker 5: that the player shouldn't stop with the tackle. There should
Speaker 5: be a tackle on the field and then you just
Speaker 5: see what happens right after it keeps going and going
Speaker 5: and going. You take a commercial break, and you come
Speaker 5: back and they're still at it.
Speaker 4: See this is what I'm saying. I wish the NFL
Speaker 4: would try to market to my demographic. I would watch
Speaker 4: a lot more games if they dressed the players as
Speaker 4: the armies of famous ancient battles. Tonight, the Steelers will
Speaker 4: be dressed as the Carthaginians in the Battle of Kna
Speaker 4: in Bcee. Now that, now that's a throwback Jersey.
Speaker 5: I'dwhere you know, every person from Hannibal on down to
Speaker 5: the lunch boy at the Battle of Kna was gay.
Speaker 5: Every single one of them was gay.
Speaker 4: Every legionary and every member of Hannibal's army, you know,
Speaker 4: fought to the death and then continue to completion, so
Speaker 4: to speak.
Speaker 5: As I understand it, even Hannibal's elephants were mounting each other.
Speaker 4: They mounted the alps and then each other by.
Speaker 7: So that guy Bill Chatter from a mass Equity is
Speaker 7: here today to look at the property. If we can
Speaker 7: convince him that buy well is a bad investment, a
Speaker 7: mass might just cancel the purchase. A witch of Sary
Speaker 7: comes here, comes, he comes.
Speaker 5: From Bill, you know who?
Speaker 2: You remind me of the best friend I had growing up.
Speaker 2: You're funny in the same way that he was.
Speaker 8: I haven't said a word since I got here. You
Speaker 8: started talking the minute they walked in the door.
Speaker 2: Totally, totally, you know, it's just your general vibe. So
Speaker 2: so you can set up here in the break room.
Speaker 2: Can I get you anything? Herbal tea alcohol? I give
Speaker 2: a great BackRub.
Speaker 8: Yeah, yeah, I think I saw a Panera bread on
Speaker 8: the way into town. Could you go get me a
Speaker 8: coffee from there?
Speaker 2: Well, there is a coffee machine right here, and that
Speaker 2: Panera is forty five minutes away, but you got it.
Speaker 2: I'll be back hours from now.
Speaker 5: You got that, good job, Jerry.
Speaker 8: Okay, let me just sit down here and flip the
Speaker 8: old laptop, get some work hours in here. Well, he's
Speaker 8: out of me here. I'm gonna boot this up here.
Speaker 8: Windows familiar boot screen here, Windows. Okay, we've got to
Speaker 8: put a password in here, so it's cheddar better forty
Speaker 8: nine booting up here.
Speaker 3: Hi, I'm Shilah. I heard your company is buying this place,
Speaker 3: and I just thought I should warn you that this
Speaker 3: is a really bad neighborhood. My cousin was shot and
Speaker 3: stabbed here. She died a They made one of those
Speaker 3: like shrines with all of the candles of her, but
Speaker 3: they used like a really ugly photo. They wouldn't use
Speaker 3: the one I submitted that had like perfect side boob
Speaker 3: and it was so sad. Anyway, you see those shrines
Speaker 3: of all those like dead kids all the time here,
Speaker 3: and I accidentally kicked them over while I'm walking here,
Speaker 3: and then it starts fires and it kills more kids.
Speaker 3: It's just like a bad vibe.
Speaker 5: Yeah, okay, yeah, I'm sorry for your loss.
Speaker 8: Yeah, we know the neighborhood is bad by but he
Speaker 8: turns over lower cub areas. It's called gentrification. Soon all
Speaker 8: those crack houses will be pottery barks. Okay, and the
Speaker 8: little memorials. We're going to incorporate that into some kind
Speaker 8: of large corporate cement park.
Speaker 4: Well sir, hey, hey there, if you're interested in buying
Speaker 4: this building, I have to tell you I've been doing
Speaker 4: maintenance here for years and this building has bad bones.
Speaker 4: And see how the wall gives a little bit when
Speaker 4: you hit it with this sledge hammer here. Yeah, I
Speaker 4: figured we're a couple months away from this entire d
Speaker 4: if it's collapsing and killing hundreds, it is on its
Speaker 4: last seelings.
Speaker 5: Thank you.
Speaker 8: Okay, Yeah, we know the building is a pile of shit.
Speaker 8: We're tearing it down. We just went to land.
Speaker 7: I've been doing a little research, and I hope your
Speaker 7: appraisal of this property is subject to a detailed amortization
Speaker 7: before you put it into escrow, because the market is
Speaker 7: very liquid right now and commodities like this aren't likely
Speaker 7: to yield a capital gain.
Speaker 5: Okay, nothing you just said made any sense.
Speaker 8: You just struggle a bunch of words together by talking
Speaker 8: to it chat GPT here.
Speaker 7: All right, Listen, they say that prompting the chat GPT
Speaker 7: is something we're all gonna have to learn to do better.
Speaker 7: And it was my first time.
Speaker 5: Yeah, sure, might be actually a growth market. If you're
Speaker 5: looking for work, which you're gonna be soon. Listen, I'll
Speaker 5: suck your dick if you cancel the sale. Tempting, but no, sorry.
Speaker 2: I got twenty miles down the road and I realized
Speaker 2: I forgot to ask if you take milk and sugar
Speaker 2: or do you prefer Stevia instead? They don't have that
Speaker 2: at Panera. But I can make an extra stop.
Speaker 5: Yeah, you know, stop at another place. Get stop at
Speaker 5: a local grocer that's gonna last through the year, Get
Speaker 5: some Stevia separately the checkout asle or whatever, and get
Speaker 5: me the pen out Panera. You know, Pericameric.
Speaker 2: Coffee Stevia from a local grocer. You got it?
Speaker 9: Bill, Bye, bye, Oh my god.
Speaker 3: Did you guys see Biten flew into Israel without military protection.
Speaker 3: I'm sorry. The only times I don't use protection is
Speaker 3: when I'm trying to get an old guy to pay
Speaker 3: my rent. This is crazy. Wait, didn't he go to
Speaker 3: Ukraine a couple months ago in the middle of a bombing.
Speaker 3: It's like he's begging for death to hurry up and
Speaker 3: take him.
Speaker 7: Yeah, I really wish Joe wouldn't take risks like this,
Speaker 7: like going to Ukraine, going to Israel, walking down long
Speaker 7: flights of stairs, riding a bike, staying up past eight.
Speaker 7: He shouldn't be doing this kind of stuff.
Speaker 3: Honestly, the same thing happened with my grandma when when
Speaker 3: she turned eighty we had to take all of the
Speaker 3: birthday candles off of her cake because she kept trying
Speaker 3: to light her wig on fire and end it all.
Speaker 4: The fact that they sent one of the Biden clones
Speaker 4: to Israel doesn't impress me. What impresses me is that
Speaker 4: they aged it up from a baby that quickly. They
Speaker 4: must have like dozens of hatchlings in a secret facility
Speaker 4: underneath the Pentagon, just ready to go. I mean, you
Speaker 4: can tell it's young because every time you see the
Speaker 4: clone Bidens, they have the speech patterns of a three
Speaker 4: to four year old.
Speaker 5: He was probably just in the Ukraine to get the
Speaker 5: rest of Hunter Biden's laptop. But if there are any
Speaker 5: more Hunter's dudes in there, they should be released to America,
Speaker 5: or at the very least to me. At Arnold Palmham
Speaker 5: sixty nine at Earthlink.
Speaker 7: Dot Nea I mean, I do think we should give
Speaker 7: an eighty year old man some credit for going into
Speaker 7: two war zones without military protection. I mean, I know
Speaker 7: forty year old Republicans who won't even go into Pittsburgh
Speaker 7: to the Hockey Arena to see Keith Urban.
Speaker 3: I don't know. I don't think it's that brave for
Speaker 3: old people to do dangerous things. What are they risking,
Speaker 3: like two good Tuesdays.
Speaker 4: The US shouldn't be sending eighty year olds into war
Speaker 4: zones anyhow. That's what we have eighteen year olds for,
Speaker 4: although we could send like a strike force of eighty
Speaker 4: year olds to sort of provide a human shield for
Speaker 4: the rest of the younger force, a specially trained unit
Speaker 4: of octogenarians.
Speaker 5: Y'all. He visited that war zone the way a person
Speaker 5: on a carnival cruise visits a foreign country. He was
Speaker 5: there for six damn hours that he's stuck to the
Speaker 5: gift shops near the boat, you know he did.
Speaker 4: Yeah, he definitely came back from Israel with like a magnet.
Speaker 3: Oh my god, wait, is that why Joe Biden had
Speaker 3: his hair and cornrows? I saw that picture going around Twitter.
Speaker 3: That makes so much sense.
Speaker 4: Did you have a shirt that said one tequila, two tequila,
Speaker 4: three tequila floor.
Speaker 7: I definitely saw a pookashell necklace at some point. I
Speaker 7: just don't get why this couldn't have been a phone call.
Speaker 7: Old people love phone calls. I just spent fifty minutes
Speaker 7: on a FaceTime with my mom's forehead.
Speaker 5: Biden's about to give himself a series of medals for this,
Speaker 5: just for going on a little pleasure cup. Save it, please.
Speaker 5: So many people hate Trump. Everywhere he goes as a
Speaker 5: war zone, and he wears a bright red target on
Speaker 5: his head and paints himself orange. Now that is courage,
Speaker 5: not Joe Biden stumbling around like naked gun.
Speaker 4: I myself have never been to a war zone. The
Speaker 4: most dangerous trip I've taken was a psychedelic journey inside myself,
Speaker 4: where I gazed into the darkness of my very own
Speaker 4: soul and cried publicly. During a screening of Madagas Call
Speaker 4: Her Too Escape to Africa.
Speaker 7: That one has the best soundtrack.
Speaker 4: I do like to move it, Move it, oh man.
Speaker 7: I need a new tub book. You know the books
Speaker 7: I read while I'm having a bubble bath. Should I
Speaker 7: get the new Jada Pinkett Smith memoir where she talks
Speaker 7: about her experiences with ayahuasca, or the new Britney Spears
Speaker 7: memoir that's read by Michelle Williams because Britney said it
Speaker 7: would be too heartbreaking to read herself. This is tough,
Speaker 7: This is tough.
Speaker 3: I like Data Pinkett Smith's book. She said she was
Speaker 3: dealing drugs even when her movie career took off in
Speaker 3: the eighties.
Speaker 9: That's wild.
Speaker 3: That's like if I was buying weed from Millie Bobby Brown.
Speaker 7: Yeah. I just thumbed through the Jada a little bit
Speaker 7: and she talks about ayahuasca, but she calls it mother aya,
Speaker 7: which is pretty much why you don't do ayahuasca.
Speaker 3: Honestly, I'm just jealous. It's so hard to find good
Speaker 3: ayahuasca and Pennsylvania. The closest I got was an expired gatorade.
Speaker 3: It did make me vomit and love my mom. He though.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's hard to find good Pennsylvania a huasca mostly
Speaker 4: just a gas station vapes or the closest you can get.
Speaker 4: But I am interested in that. Jada Pinkett Smith. When
Speaker 4: I hear she talks about her relationship with Will and
Speaker 4: their separation, I know I relate it sucks to love
Speaker 4: someone but not be able to be near them, And
Speaker 4: that is why I've set up that shrine to Emma
Speaker 4: Stone in my house. If anyone sees a La La
Speaker 4: land standee in the loading dock, that's mine.
Speaker 5: Oh I tell you. If I ever see the two
Speaker 5: of them, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith march themselves
Speaker 5: here into by Well ever again, then I will make
Speaker 5: a point to walk out and say something tart and
Speaker 5: sassy about Jada Pinkett Smith, just so I can get
Speaker 5: slapped by Will Smith in front of everybody. Jada keeps
Speaker 5: saying she's trapped in a loveless marriage. Newsflash, honey, Will
Speaker 5: Smith is gay. All of his movies sound like gay
Speaker 5: Porno's Bad Boys, Wild Wild West Many, Honey, the legend
Speaker 5: of Bagger Vance more like the legend of t Bagger Vance.
Speaker 3: Look, it's not Will's fault. She's weird. Okay. This is
Speaker 3: just the kind of woman you end up with when
Speaker 3: you get set to live with your uncle in bel Air,
Speaker 3: even though he was in West Philadelphia, born and raised
Speaker 3: on the playground, spending most of his days.
Speaker 7: I really connect with a lot of what Jada has
Speaker 7: to say, though you guys. She says, her and will
Speaker 7: Smith are separated in every way except legally. That's just
Speaker 7: like me and Jamethie. That's kind of where the similarities end.
Speaker 7: Jameithee is less Will Smith and more Paul Giamatti. My
Speaker 7: goal is to read her book and become as zen
Speaker 7: as she is about life, where I can start calling
Speaker 7: hookups with other people entanglements.
Speaker 4: I also relate a great deal, but that's only because
Speaker 4: I call my Emma Stone Shrine the red table.
Speaker 5: Honey, I have experienced. I used to be a jobber
Speaker 5: back in the nineteen eighties in local Georgia Resden. And
Speaker 5: let me tell you something. When I look at Will Smith,
Speaker 5: I see the same thing as when I looked at
Speaker 5: Lex Luger or ravishing Rick Rude. That man is straight
Speaker 5: right until they cut to commercial.
Speaker 7: But I'm probably gonna read the Britney one. I am
Speaker 7: huge in the Free Britney movement. I was virtually protesting
Speaker 7: for her to get out of her conservatorship.
Speaker 4: Oh I'm all about free Brittany. Heck yeah, I hate conservatorships.
Speaker 4: I won't let the government tell me what to do.
Speaker 4: That's why I had myself legally declared a religious organization,
Speaker 4: so I don't have to pay taxes. My body is
Speaker 4: literally a temple visited by various Latvians annually.
Speaker 3: That's so smart. I wish my body could be as Humple,
Speaker 3: but it's filled with too much Arizona iced tea and cheetos.
Speaker 4: Don't count yourself out. I eat a lot of weird things,
Speaker 4: but I'm still technically a temple to the Latvian pagan
Speaker 4: goddess of Mara.
Speaker 5: Pardon me. But when it comes to Britney Spears, Oops,
Speaker 5: I didn't care again that bitch. I have had enough
Speaker 5: of her. If I want to see a middle aged
Speaker 5: woman dancing in a leopard thong, I will wait for
Speaker 5: Thanksgiving after eight pm and hide my aunt Sally's medication.
Speaker 3: Oh my god, how dare you? I love Brittany. I
Speaker 3: don't care if her book is just to run on
Speaker 3: sentences and a recipe for candles. I don't care if
Speaker 3: it's a bunch of misspelled stories about how she found
Speaker 3: a potato chip that looked like her dog. Okay, I
Speaker 3: am buying it.
Speaker 7: Yeah, and I'm gonna listen to the audiobook. I mean,
Speaker 7: who better to voice Britney Spears's memoir than the actress
Speaker 7: from Shutter Island. It is Michelle Williams, the actress. By
Speaker 7: the way, it's not the quiet one from Destiny's Child.
Speaker 4: Well, I can see why they hired Michelle Williams. If
Speaker 4: they kept Brittany as the reader, they'd have to cut
Speaker 4: out three and a half hours just of pure vocal fry.
Speaker 3: That is the sound angels make when their wings flap.
Speaker 3: I am so tired.
Speaker 7: Yeah, I don't need the Britney Hayten here right now.
Speaker 5: Victor too bad. I know what she went through. She
Speaker 5: says she was exploited. Well, honey, I've been exploited too,
Speaker 5: and I didn't make a million dollars doing it. I
Speaker 5: wore pigtails in the schoolgirl outfit and everything, and all
Speaker 5: I got was an STD test.
Speaker 3: That's not true. You got an STD test in a
Speaker 3: bus pass. You told me about that night, Arnold.
Speaker 7: I find it hard to believe, Arnold, that Britney has
Speaker 7: brought you zero joy down at Crystal's. There's never been
Speaker 7: a night where Britney's been playing and something good's gone
Speaker 7: down for you.
Speaker 5: There is an endless loop at Crystal's. Early Britney Spears
Speaker 5: and Destiny's Child over and over and over and over again.
Speaker 5: I have to go into that bar and light my
Speaker 5: cigarette and put on headphones. I'll tell you how you
Speaker 5: put a ring on it. Down at Crystals. You wait
Speaker 5: until two thirty when they send all they send everybody
Speaker 5: away that it's not a regular, and then you can
Speaker 5: get away with just about anything. Right there in the bathroom,
Speaker 5: the lights are on for thirty more minutes. Whoo, I'll
Speaker 5: put a ring on it.
Speaker 8: Bye bye.
Speaker 7: You know, I hated every minute of working at this place,
Speaker 7: but now I don't want to leave for purely financial reasons.
Speaker 5: I'm gonna miss all of you, but I'm gonna mis
Speaker 5: receiving a paycheck most of all. Now I'm gonna have
Speaker 5: to be the sugar baby out there.
Speaker 3: This is going to ruin me. If I can't steal
Speaker 3: from the Bible pharmacy, my entire drug operation is going
Speaker 3: to fall apart. My customers need their fentanel. You guys,
Speaker 3: speech and debate teams need their Adderall cheating husbands need
Speaker 3: their vowtrex.
Speaker 9: I need Santax.
Speaker 3: Oh my god, I can't do this.
Speaker 4: We all came here for the paycheck, but it's the
Speaker 4: friends we made along the way. Oh who am I kid?
Speaker 4: You guys are not going to stay in touch.
Speaker 2: And that's why I want you to be the godfather
Speaker 2: of my child.
Speaker 8: Jerry, for the third time, my answer is no, you
Speaker 8: don't even have a kid.
Speaker 2: Okay, well, I'm gonna put you down as a Maybe
Speaker 2: you and I have great banter, but let's get down
Speaker 2: to business. When will the sale go through? And follow
Speaker 2: up question, when do you think I'll receive a check?
Speaker 2: Because I've got a golden parachute and I am ready
Speaker 2: to jump out of that golden plane.
Speaker 5: Bill, we're not going through with the sale. What did
Speaker 5: you hear? What he says? Why I don't like you.
Speaker 8: I was just saying here to appraise the property, but
Speaker 8: after meeting you had suffering through your inanities for a
Speaker 8: full eight hours. I'm recommending me buy out a different
Speaker 8: retail chain.
Speaker 7: Yes, yes, Oh my god, Jerry's personality finally pays off.
Speaker 4: I knew it.
Speaker 5: That's the sound of a golden parachute hitting pay dirt. Bill,
Speaker 5: you can't do this.
Speaker 2: I already put a down payment on a McLaren sports car.
Speaker 2: I just drived it. I had an erection the entire time.
Speaker 8: I don't know why you would want to put half
Speaker 8: of the entire million dollars into a McLaren. You can't
Speaker 8: even get it fixed. I've had two McLaren's. I had
Speaker 8: to trade them in for lamboats. Let me tell you, Jerry,
Speaker 8: everybody who needs to hear this, My company is monolithic.
Speaker 5: We are unassailable. Okay.
Speaker 8: We could do crazy stuff like anything we want. So
Speaker 8: that's why I love my job. You all can enjoy
Speaker 8: your sad little lives of toil and drudgery. I got
Speaker 8: a helicopter waiting for me on the roof, you know.
Speaker 8: Let me just log out of my laptop.
Speaker 3: Here, wait, mister tutter, take me with you.
Speaker 8: Sorry, honey, I you already got a wife and two mistresses. Goodbye,
Speaker 8: everybody that's been a slice of cheddar.
Speaker 5: Thank you very much.
Speaker 4: Oh Jerry, I realize you're hurting right now, but I
Speaker 4: have to ask. Can we all go look at that helicopter?
Speaker 5: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Go ahead, you can look at the helicopter. Yeah, Hey, Liz,
Speaker 2: aren't you gonna go watch the helicopter?
Speaker 7: Jerry, you betrayed us, you sold us out, You almost
Speaker 7: destroyed our lives, and you didn't even seem to care.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I'm sorry, It's fine.
Speaker 7: I would have done the same thing. Give me Wednesday
Speaker 7: off and we'll call it even Wednesday.
Speaker 5: Oh yeah, sure, all.
Speaker 7: Right, see you tomorrow. And Jerry, one more thing?
Speaker 5: What's that?
Speaker 2: Liz?
Speaker 7: Your flies down again?
Speaker 5: God damn?
Speaker 6: It by employees Only is produced by Imagine Audio and
Speaker 6: Pretty Fast for iHeartMedia. Produced by Timothy Furnara. The associate
Speaker 6: producer is Wesley Hayes. It is executive produced by Ron Howard,
Speaker 6: Brian Grazerkarra Welker, Nathan Cloke and Jared Logan. Editing by
Speaker 6: Timothy Furnara, Mixing by j Palizi, casting by Sherry Henderson.
Speaker 6: Original music composed by Alloy Tracks. Liz is played by
Speaker 6: Kara klink. Brich is played by Kurt Brunneller. Victor is
Speaker 6: played by Ross Bryant. Marcia is played by Madison Shepherd.
Speaker 6: Arnold is played by James Adomian. Nia is played by
Speaker 6: Keisha Zoler, Shilah is played by Suba Argowall, and Darry
Speaker 6: is played by Jared Logan.
Speaker 9: Bye Wa