WEBVTT - THE AYAHUASCA RETREAT 0:00:00.800 --> 0:00:01.880 Oh ship as well? 0:00:02.120 --> 0:00:02.920 Yes, who is this? 0:00:03.600 --> 0:00:03.880 Shep? 0:00:04.120 --> 0:00:04.680 Like shepherd? 0:00:04.840 --> 0:00:06.360 Shep? What's up? Shep? How you doing? 0:00:07.320 --> 0:00:07.920 Yeah? I not bad? 0:00:07.920 --> 0:00:10.280 How are you hanging in there? How can I get 0:00:10.320 --> 0:00:11.039 you today? Shep? 0:00:11.400 --> 0:00:16.439 Well, I've got kind of a weird story. So my 0:00:16.480 --> 0:00:21.200 ex girlfriend tried to brainwash me with ayahuasca, but I 0:00:21.280 --> 0:00:23.360 kind of knew that she was trying to brainwash me, 0:00:23.440 --> 0:00:28.080 so it didn't work. But through the process of ayahuasca, 0:00:28.320 --> 0:00:31.320 I kind of got real in touch on myself and 0:00:32.560 --> 0:00:34.320 I figured out that I was still in love with 0:00:34.320 --> 0:00:35.800 her cousin who I met when I was six. 0:00:39.400 --> 0:00:42.400 Where should we start with this? So she tried to 0:00:42.479 --> 0:00:44.400 like did she did she drug you? 0:00:46.080 --> 0:00:46.120 No? 0:00:46.479 --> 0:00:49.879 So we were in a long term relationship. It was 0:00:50.120 --> 0:00:51.080 pretty imbalanced. 0:00:51.120 --> 0:00:52.800 It was like a very toxic relationship. 0:00:52.800 --> 0:00:55.440 But I shouldn't have been in and it was all 0:00:55.560 --> 0:00:58.040 kind of falling apart. I kind of had enough of it, 0:00:58.280 --> 0:01:04.560 and she's just a retreat and she'd already had like 0:01:04.640 --> 0:01:07.760 an ego death on MDMA and kind of confessed to 0:01:07.760 --> 0:01:10.360 all this manipulative stuff that she was doing in the relationship, 0:01:11.120 --> 0:01:12.320 and that was really interesting. 0:01:12.360 --> 0:01:15.959 But then what what kind of what kind of manipulative stuff? 0:01:18.280 --> 0:01:23.240 Kind of like emotionally just has her hold over me 0:01:23.640 --> 0:01:25.800 and kind of everyone else in her family, to be honest, 0:01:26.319 --> 0:01:30.040 has control of what everyone does, all their decisions, like 0:01:30.200 --> 0:01:32.960 she had like I can message my friends or my 0:01:33.040 --> 0:01:35.479 mom without her knowing about her. She had control over 0:01:35.560 --> 0:01:38.800 what I bought, where I went, what I did. It 0:01:38.880 --> 0:01:39.640 was kind of crazy. 0:01:40.480 --> 0:01:44.600 So yeah, so she had this ego death. 0:01:44.480 --> 0:01:46.400 On MDMA and realized she was doing all of this, 0:01:47.120 --> 0:01:49.960 which was really interesting. But then where when it wore off, 0:01:51.280 --> 0:01:53.120 she kind of started to freak out because she like 0:01:53.240 --> 0:01:58.040 exposed herself, I guess, and then started trying to paint 0:01:58.080 --> 0:02:00.720 me out as being some kind of nascist manipulation and stuff, 0:02:00.840 --> 0:02:05.720 and her craziness sort of ramped up a lot. And yeah, 0:02:05.760 --> 0:02:08.240 so then she suggested we go to csio Oasca Tree and. 0:02:08.400 --> 0:02:10.840 I was open to her because I'd read a bit about. 0:02:10.560 --> 0:02:12.440 Her and I thought, yeah, it sounds good. It could 0:02:12.440 --> 0:02:14.200 be good for me and she might get something out 0:02:14.200 --> 0:02:17.120 of it, who knows. But then on the plane on 0:02:17.160 --> 0:02:20.720 the way over there, I was sat on the plane 0:02:20.760 --> 0:02:22.440 and she gave me a phone to like lock something 0:02:22.440 --> 0:02:23.920 down about the flights or something. I don't know what 0:02:23.919 --> 0:02:26.240 it was, And so I opened up notes, and I 0:02:26.240 --> 0:02:30.919 saw on her phone this note that said a destabilization, 0:02:31.080 --> 0:02:34.560 a technique used in brainwashing, and I was like, what's 0:02:34.560 --> 0:02:37.480 this And she gave me this weird look like she 0:02:37.560 --> 0:02:39.359 kind of bared her teeth and she was like, oh, 0:02:39.440 --> 0:02:42.000 that's that's to do with my sister in law sort 0:02:42.000 --> 0:02:44.600 of thing, and just tried to brush it off, but 0:02:44.760 --> 0:02:46.720 it was pretty suss and I was just kind of like, okay, 0:02:47.480 --> 0:02:52.200 And I mean the noteening about destabilization, like after my 0:02:52.240 --> 0:02:56.640 aahuasca ceremonies, she was basically like destabilizing as suck. She 0:02:56.680 --> 0:02:59.560 tried to kind of interrogate me and tell me what 0:03:00.400 --> 0:03:02.600 all my visions men and time? 0:03:03.840 --> 0:03:08.200 What's what's your name again? Man? Yep, sheep, sheep. Let 0:03:08.200 --> 0:03:09.080 me ask you something. 0:03:09.320 --> 0:03:11.839 And I'm not I promise you, I'm not saying this 0:03:11.919 --> 0:03:15.400 as like a in like a blaming sense. I'm asking 0:03:15.440 --> 0:03:18.640 you this because I genuinely want to know, like sincerely, 0:03:18.919 --> 0:03:22.720 how your brain kind of processed all this. But when 0:03:22.840 --> 0:03:27.280 she told you all these these things and ways that 0:03:27.360 --> 0:03:30.840 she manipulated you, and how she was trying to keep 0:03:30.840 --> 0:03:34.839 you from your friends and you know, your family and 0:03:34.840 --> 0:03:37.240 and and all this stuff. 0:03:37.240 --> 0:03:41.960 Why did you what stopped you from from from leaving. 0:03:43.200 --> 0:03:46.640 So it was a really codependent sort of situation. So 0:03:46.800 --> 0:03:48.400 a lot of the relationship I didn't feel like I 0:03:48.520 --> 0:03:50.839 could leave, goes very isolated. But at the same time, 0:03:51.520 --> 0:03:54.320 I felt like I'd seen something good in her that 0:03:54.360 --> 0:03:56.800 I kind of wanted to get through to. And kind 0:03:56.800 --> 0:03:58.840 of the plot kind of thickens because by this point, 0:03:58.920 --> 0:04:02.400 I think we had our son was like a year 0:04:02.440 --> 0:04:03.080 and a half old. 0:04:03.160 --> 0:04:04.400 Oh you guys have a kid together. 0:04:05.240 --> 0:04:08.760 Yeah, yeah, So I was really trying to get through to, 0:04:09.360 --> 0:04:11.360 you know, the good and her to try and sort 0:04:11.400 --> 0:04:13.600 things out and to try and help the situation. 0:04:15.880 --> 0:04:18.320 Mm hmm. Okay, So what happened to retreat? 0:04:19.920 --> 0:04:24.240 So I was there, her cousin was there because her 0:04:24.279 --> 0:04:26.880 cousin and her cousin's partner at the time went out 0:04:28.160 --> 0:04:31.080 like two weeks before us. But then her cousin decided 0:04:31.160 --> 0:04:33.719 she wanted to stay while I was there with my 0:04:34.320 --> 0:04:39.400 doctic minipestive partner. So it ended up being me and 0:04:39.480 --> 0:04:42.480 my partner and her cousin as a retreat. And this 0:04:42.520 --> 0:04:44.000 is her cousin who I've known since I was six 0:04:44.080 --> 0:04:46.400 years old and who kind of introduced me to the 0:04:46.440 --> 0:04:53.240 whole situation, and yeah, it was basically her interrogating me 0:04:54.320 --> 0:04:57.159 after every ceremony, trying to tell me what it all meant, 0:04:57.680 --> 0:04:59.360 trying to make sure that I was blaming my family 0:04:59.400 --> 0:05:01.599 for all of the but I kind of could see 0:05:01.640 --> 0:05:03.240 what she was doing, so it didn't really work. 0:05:03.760 --> 0:05:04.440 Oh my god. 0:05:04.800 --> 0:05:08.400 Still that's still man, that sounds like a complete nightmare, 0:05:08.560 --> 0:05:12.800 being on being on an intense psychedelic drug while someone's 0:05:12.839 --> 0:05:17.240 trying to like fuck with your understanding of reality. I mean, 0:05:18.000 --> 0:05:20.000 that's that sounds awful. 0:05:20.920 --> 0:05:22.359 Yeah it was. It was kind of a lot to 0:05:22.400 --> 0:05:24.400 hold on to, but I managed to. I mean I 0:05:24.440 --> 0:05:26.919 had a fucking amazing experience, and if I'm honest, it 0:05:27.000 --> 0:05:28.840 was like the best thing I've ever done. Yeah, I 0:05:29.080 --> 0:05:31.240 like an even. 0:05:30.360 --> 0:05:34.720 With like all this like shit, Yeah. 0:05:34.480 --> 0:05:35.960 Because it kind of has a way of just cutting 0:05:35.960 --> 0:05:37.720 through all the bullshit and you just get right down 0:05:37.720 --> 0:05:39.640 to the core of you, like no matter what's going on. 0:05:39.760 --> 0:05:41.440 And I was there, like I really wanted to just 0:05:41.480 --> 0:05:44.719 work myself and get what I could out of it. So, yeah, 0:05:44.760 --> 0:05:46.839 it was amazing. I had like an exorcism. I was 0:05:46.839 --> 0:05:49.560 talking to aliens, trying to save the world, like I 0:05:49.600 --> 0:05:52.320 saw the spirit world like loads of crazy shit happened 0:05:52.400 --> 0:05:55.960 was amazing, and yeah, I'd love to do it again, 0:05:56.520 --> 0:05:59.360 but I mean, this will happened like six years ago now. 0:06:00.320 --> 0:06:06.960 And so basically we got back after the retreat, it 0:06:07.040 --> 0:06:10.120 was pretty clear it wasn't going to work out. We 0:06:10.120 --> 0:06:13.320 were living abroad in France, so I moved into a 0:06:13.360 --> 0:06:15.720 flat down the road, like an apartment down the road, 0:06:15.760 --> 0:06:18.280 so I could still be close to my kid. But 0:06:18.360 --> 0:06:20.480 then she cut me off from him and said that 0:06:20.480 --> 0:06:22.760 I can't see him anymore, which like I mean, she 0:06:22.839 --> 0:06:24.359 helped me move out, and then she said that I 0:06:24.360 --> 0:06:26.520 abandoned him as soon as I moved into this apartment 0:06:27.279 --> 0:06:29.719 and said that I can see him anymore. And so right, okay, 0:06:30.680 --> 0:06:32.880 So I ended up moving back to the UK, saving 0:06:32.920 --> 0:06:35.720 up what I could to get a lawyer and go 0:06:35.760 --> 0:06:37.680 to court get access to my kid, which I got. 0:06:38.839 --> 0:06:43.440 But it was actually after I had moved out and 0:06:43.600 --> 0:06:45.760 I was doing like a lot of meditating and using 0:06:45.760 --> 0:06:49.160 what I'd learned at the Southwesca retreat, and I had 0:06:49.200 --> 0:06:51.760 a small amount of MBMA that I took and it 0:06:52.000 --> 0:06:54.360 all like hit me, like slapped me around the face 0:06:54.520 --> 0:06:59.200 that I had all these underlying feelings for her cousin 0:06:59.440 --> 0:07:01.039 who was this that I met when I was six 0:07:01.120 --> 0:07:08.120 years old, And I told them, I mean, I told 0:07:08.200 --> 0:07:10.040 my ex first. 0:07:10.640 --> 0:07:12.200 I said, look, I've realized. 0:07:11.960 --> 0:07:15.480 I've got feelings for your cousin and she said, well, 0:07:15.600 --> 0:07:17.480 I don't give a shirt, go and tell her them. Fine, 0:07:18.080 --> 0:07:21.080 so it's okay, And I went and I told her, 0:07:21.520 --> 0:07:25.559 and at first she didn't believe me. She just thought 0:07:25.560 --> 0:07:28.120 I was just trying to say it to be a 0:07:28.160 --> 0:07:34.720 dick or trying to hurt my ex partner. But throughout 0:07:34.720 --> 0:07:36.400 the course of the conversation I kind of managed to 0:07:37.440 --> 0:07:42.040 convince her that I really meant her. And then so 0:07:42.640 --> 0:07:45.880 my crazy X goes, all right, well, why do you 0:07:45.880 --> 0:07:47.600 figure out how you feel about him? Then? You know? 0:07:47.840 --> 0:07:50.280 And so she started trying to figure it out and 0:07:50.320 --> 0:07:52.520 talk to me about it, and it felt like we 0:07:52.520 --> 0:07:55.640 were really starting to get somewhere and really kind of 0:07:55.640 --> 0:07:57.640 figured out that there were feelings down and she didn't 0:07:57.640 --> 0:07:59.320 know what it meant yet, but she said, well, I'm 0:07:59.320 --> 0:08:01.120 going to go and tell her that there's feelings there. 0:08:02.200 --> 0:08:03.840 And I said, I don't know if you should just 0:08:03.840 --> 0:08:05.480 go and tell her, like this probably needs to get 0:08:05.480 --> 0:08:08.120 attacked or whatever, but she was like, no, no, trust me, 0:08:08.120 --> 0:08:12.480 It'll be fine. So she went and told Mike crazy 0:08:12.640 --> 0:08:15.640 X and she flipped. She was like, she screamed in 0:08:15.640 --> 0:08:19.680 her face, I want to rip you in half. And yeah, 0:08:19.720 --> 0:08:22.760 so this girl I mem I was six, she just 0:08:22.840 --> 0:08:27.000 like suddenly became she kind of retreated, became very confused, 0:08:28.120 --> 0:08:32.800 and she said basically that actually, well they both started 0:08:33.000 --> 0:08:36.199 trying to convince me that I was confused and actually 0:08:36.280 --> 0:08:39.000 I had feelings for the abusive person i'd just broken 0:08:39.080 --> 0:08:39.240 up with. 0:08:43.280 --> 0:08:44.839 And this was all six years ago. 0:08:46.120 --> 0:08:48.199 Yeah, yeah, this was six years ago. 0:08:49.360 --> 0:08:54.679 And I actually just recently, just a couple of weeks ago, 0:08:55.800 --> 0:08:57.640 because I had a girlfriend last year and I tried 0:08:57.679 --> 0:09:00.360 to move past the situation and sort of just get 0:09:00.360 --> 0:09:02.000 on with my life and I still see my kid 0:09:02.320 --> 0:09:06.760 when I can, but I realized kind of recently that 0:09:07.720 --> 0:09:09.760 those feelings are still there, like I don't have closure 0:09:09.800 --> 0:09:12.520 because of how it all ended, it didn't feel like 0:09:12.559 --> 0:09:17.240 we actually got closure. So I emailed this girl I 0:09:17.280 --> 0:09:19.240 met when I was six, because I still have an 0:09:19.240 --> 0:09:21.880 email address, I don't have a phone number, and I 0:09:21.920 --> 0:09:24.680 explained I still had feelings for her and I felt 0:09:24.720 --> 0:09:26.200 like I wanted to meet and talk to her. 0:09:26.800 --> 0:09:30.960 How recently, did you email her like two weeks ago? 0:09:31.640 --> 0:09:33.120 Okay, did you respond? 0:09:34.640 --> 0:09:37.880 Well? No, And I don't know if she got it 0:09:37.960 --> 0:09:40.520 or not. But I don't see why she would have 0:09:40.600 --> 0:09:42.280 changed her email address. But the thing is if she 0:09:42.360 --> 0:09:45.560 got because she lives They lived together as soon as 0:09:45.640 --> 0:09:48.200 I moved out, this girl that I grew up with 0:09:48.240 --> 0:09:51.079 when I was six moved in because my abusive X 0:09:51.120 --> 0:09:53.319 always needs like a passional assistant to run around and 0:09:53.360 --> 0:09:54.559 do her all the cleaning. 0:09:54.280 --> 0:09:55.120 And cooking and stuff. 0:09:56.400 --> 0:09:59.800 So they lived together, and they probably would have both 0:09:59.840 --> 0:10:03.400 were the email. And the fuck knows what's going on 0:10:03.440 --> 0:10:04.959 over there. It might have caused a ship storm, it 0:10:05.040 --> 0:10:05.280 might not. 0:10:05.960 --> 0:10:07.840 How long How long has it been since you've seen 0:10:07.880 --> 0:10:08.720 either of these people? 0:10:10.679 --> 0:10:13.360 So when I go and see my son, to be honest, 0:10:14.160 --> 0:10:17.560 she normally sends my son out with She had two 0:10:17.640 --> 0:10:20.679 children from a previous relationship, and she usually sends her 0:10:20.760 --> 0:10:23.160 daughter out with my son, so I see her. So 0:10:24.360 --> 0:10:28.120 I haven't seen the girl I grew up with for 0:10:28.160 --> 0:10:30.599 a couple of years, and it's probably been about the 0:10:30.640 --> 0:10:33.400 same sort of time with my abu selector as well. 0:10:33.440 --> 0:10:34.400 I've just seen my son. 0:10:35.840 --> 0:10:37.120 I pick him up outside the house. 0:10:37.760 --> 0:10:40.080 How old your son tank. 0:10:40.760 --> 0:10:43.280 Hold you, I'm thirty seven. 0:10:44.559 --> 0:10:48.280 Mm hm, And how's everything going with your kid? Because 0:10:48.720 --> 0:10:51.720 it because I mean, god fucking damn dude, this situation 0:10:52.000 --> 0:10:55.040 is it was insane. It was insane if you didn't 0:10:55.080 --> 0:10:57.000 have a kid, and having a kid in between it 0:10:57.040 --> 0:10:59.960 makes it like a hundred times some more. 0:11:01.200 --> 0:11:07.079 And so she's basically, since I moved out, convinced him 0:11:07.080 --> 0:11:10.280 that I don't actually love him and I'm pretending to 0:11:10.320 --> 0:11:15.440 love him to hurt her, and he's kind of seems 0:11:15.480 --> 0:11:18.960 to be buying that story. So the last few times 0:11:19.000 --> 0:11:22.880 I've seen him, he's fully been I mean, it's weird 0:11:22.920 --> 0:11:25.600 because we've still got we were really close up until 0:11:25.640 --> 0:11:26.960 I moved out when he was three and a half, 0:11:27.000 --> 0:11:30.160 Like we were super close. We get on really really well, 0:11:30.160 --> 0:11:34.440 and that's still there. But then you can see where 0:11:35.000 --> 0:11:37.360 him having to live in his mum's story all the 0:11:37.440 --> 0:11:41.920 time is messing with him, because yeah, he'll he'll say 0:11:41.920 --> 0:11:46.480 that he doesn't believe I actually love him, and yeah, 0:11:46.480 --> 0:11:49.200 I don't know. So it's it's tricky understanding what I 0:11:49.240 --> 0:11:52.400 can do, and I'm trying not to because obviously she's 0:11:52.440 --> 0:11:55.600 painting her whole story out to him, and I'm obviously 0:11:55.600 --> 0:11:57.880 trying not to paint my whole story out to him 0:11:57.880 --> 0:11:59.760 because I think it's it's messed up. But at the 0:11:59.720 --> 0:12:02.560 same time, when you're in a situation when you know 0:12:02.679 --> 0:12:05.400 they're being told all of that, so well, I'm supposed 0:12:05.400 --> 0:12:07.080 to do. So I'm trying to be there and keep 0:12:07.200 --> 0:12:09.679 contact with him and keep seeing him, keep spending time 0:12:09.720 --> 0:12:12.040 with them, having fun. But I mean, I don't get 0:12:12.080 --> 0:12:14.400 phone calls with him too often. Now he's got a 0:12:14.400 --> 0:12:18.679 phone number, but I'm not allowed at She's. You know, 0:12:19.080 --> 0:12:20.880 she and her whole family talk to him on the phone, 0:12:20.920 --> 0:12:23.800 but for whatever reason, she won't give me his number. 0:12:27.520 --> 0:12:31.320 And I assume that your custody agreement looks something like 0:12:31.360 --> 0:12:34.680 she spends. He spends most of his time over there, 0:12:34.840 --> 0:12:36.199 and you get to see him occasionally. 0:12:37.559 --> 0:12:39.719 Yeah, I get to see him for half the school holidays, 0:12:39.880 --> 0:12:43.240 for any weekend of any month. I can go and 0:12:43.280 --> 0:12:45.000 see him, but I need to give them a month's notice. 0:12:45.040 --> 0:12:47.760 Basically, did you have to go through a kind of 0:12:47.760 --> 0:12:49.080 a crazy court battle. 0:12:50.480 --> 0:12:54.520 Yeah, in France with a French lawyer and translator and everything. 0:12:54.760 --> 0:12:58.319 It was expensive and it was long. Yeah, it took 0:12:58.360 --> 0:13:00.719 about six months. But got down and go to see 0:13:00.760 --> 0:13:01.120 him again. 0:13:02.040 --> 0:13:04.760 God damn man, how you doing. 0:13:06.120 --> 0:13:10.079 Yeah, I'm actually okay. This year, I've actually been starting 0:13:10.120 --> 0:13:12.800 to feel pretty good with myself, and I think that's 0:13:12.800 --> 0:13:16.000 why I sort of got to the point of thinking, 0:13:16.000 --> 0:13:19.440 actually I need closure rather than just not being sure 0:13:19.480 --> 0:13:20.920 what to do about it and being in loads of 0:13:20.920 --> 0:13:23.400 pain and just you know, not knowing how I can 0:13:23.440 --> 0:13:24.319 move along with my life. 0:13:24.520 --> 0:13:29.920 Well, man, I mean your closure is like you you 0:13:29.960 --> 0:13:32.200 can never I mean you know this, man, like you 0:13:32.240 --> 0:13:38.800 can never. You know, closure something you've got to give 0:13:38.800 --> 0:13:42.040 to yourself, right, because if you if you need closure 0:13:42.080 --> 0:13:46.160 from this cousin or or this X, you're never going 0:13:46.240 --> 0:13:50.319 to get it because you can't. You can't make other 0:13:50.360 --> 0:13:54.720 people give you closure. You can only give it within yourself. 0:13:55.760 --> 0:13:56.719 Yeah, I get that. 0:13:56.880 --> 0:14:00.000 Yeah. I think by emailing her, I just wanted because 0:14:00.120 --> 0:14:03.120 she probably would have had no idea that I did 0:14:03.160 --> 0:14:06.880 still have any kind of feelings because I didn't really, 0:14:07.640 --> 0:14:09.920 I didn't give that impressional give much away over the 0:14:09.920 --> 0:14:11.440 past years. I mean at the time that I saw 0:14:11.440 --> 0:14:12.840 her two years ago. 0:14:12.800 --> 0:14:15.320 Or whatever, the girl I grew up with, I barely spoke. 0:14:15.160 --> 0:14:17.719 To her, you know. And it's because I mean, she 0:14:17.800 --> 0:14:20.400 said a bunch of messed up stuff stuff in the 0:14:20.560 --> 0:14:22.600 whole court battle. I mean, she she submitted to call 0:14:22.680 --> 0:14:24.880 that I shouldn't see my son ever again, the skirl 0:14:24.880 --> 0:14:27.080 I grew up with. But I mean, I know that's 0:14:27.120 --> 0:14:31.440 not her. I know it's coming from my ex. So 0:14:32.720 --> 0:14:34.600 I don't know. It's a tricky one. Like I had 0:14:34.600 --> 0:14:37.840 all these mixed feelings about it all. But when I 0:14:37.880 --> 0:14:39.920 actually get down to the court at all, you know, 0:14:40.040 --> 0:14:42.320 she turned up on my door step. I invite her in. 0:14:42.320 --> 0:14:47.080 Straightway, But are you talking about your cousin, I mean, 0:14:47.120 --> 0:14:49.320 not your cousin that No, you don't have a crush 0:14:49.320 --> 0:14:51.120 on so your ex's cousin. 0:14:51.920 --> 0:14:57.680 Yeah, yeah, And I guess I wanted her to know that, 0:14:58.880 --> 0:15:02.280 just have the opportunities in that actually, you know, if 0:15:02.280 --> 0:15:03.240 she didn't want to get out of the. 0:15:03.920 --> 0:15:06.080 Well look look look, look, look give with me. 0:15:06.240 --> 0:15:07.960 Give with me on this, Give with me on this, 0:15:08.120 --> 0:15:10.520 because this is what I want to know. 0:15:11.240 --> 0:15:13.560 What I mean. 0:15:14.040 --> 0:15:15.880 First of all, I'm really sorry to hear that you're 0:15:15.920 --> 0:15:20.680 you're in such a precocious situation with your son, because 0:15:20.720 --> 0:15:24.320 that's I mean, that's that's that's that's brutal, that's really brutal. 0:15:24.320 --> 0:15:26.240 I'm sorry that you're dealing with that. I want to 0:15:26.280 --> 0:15:29.880 know this, Who's who else has you got in your 0:15:29.880 --> 0:15:32.920 life right now? Do you are you dating someone else? 0:15:32.960 --> 0:15:35.720 Are you going out on are you trying to form 0:15:35.760 --> 0:15:36.760 a new relationship? 0:15:36.800 --> 0:15:37.680 Do you have friends? 0:15:37.720 --> 0:15:37.840 Like? 0:15:37.880 --> 0:15:41.120 What? What? What does your support system look like outside 0:15:41.160 --> 0:15:41.480 of that? 0:15:42.120 --> 0:15:44.400 Yeah, I mean I've got friends around me. I was 0:15:44.400 --> 0:15:47.600 in a relationship for all of the last year, but 0:15:47.680 --> 0:15:49.080 I think it was at the tail end of that 0:15:49.120 --> 0:15:53.880 relationship had the niggling feeling about not having closure. It 0:15:53.920 --> 0:15:56.040 wasn't just that there were lots of reasons the relationship 0:15:56.080 --> 0:16:01.520 didn't work out. But yeah, I mean, I've got my 0:16:01.800 --> 0:16:04.000 family will live pretty close by. I've got friends that 0:16:04.080 --> 0:16:06.400 go skateboarding with, you know, go down the partner hang 0:16:06.440 --> 0:16:08.320 out and you know, of court, some good mates. 0:16:08.360 --> 0:16:10.280 So yeah, it's okay. 0:16:10.280 --> 0:16:11.760 It's not like I'm on my own and I'm just 0:16:11.800 --> 0:16:14.160 suffering this dark room or anythink. 0:16:14.520 --> 0:16:16.120 So No, my life's okay. 0:16:16.600 --> 0:16:19.240 I'm enjoying my job. I'm a youth support worker. I 0:16:19.280 --> 0:16:23.600 work with teenagers and that's really rewarding. So things are 0:16:23.600 --> 0:16:26.640 going pretty good. I'm feeling pretty positive, and I think 0:16:26.680 --> 0:16:30.360 I just wanted to see it if I could get closure, 0:16:30.440 --> 0:16:31.680 and I know what you mean. I mean, you can 0:16:31.680 --> 0:16:33.400 only give closure to yourself, but I want to give 0:16:33.440 --> 0:16:36.320 it an opportunity before I go, Okay, you know what, 0:16:36.480 --> 0:16:38.280 I'm just going to leave it all behind and move 0:16:38.280 --> 0:16:39.120 on with my life. 0:16:40.200 --> 0:16:42.440 It's hard. I get, I mean, I get it. 0:16:42.480 --> 0:16:44.280 I get why you want closure, and I get why 0:16:44.320 --> 0:16:47.000 you feel like you I get why people feel like 0:16:47.040 --> 0:16:50.120 they can't just give it to themselves. But it's a 0:16:50.120 --> 0:16:53.120 really powerful feeling when you kind of when you do 0:16:53.680 --> 0:16:57.680 throw up your hands and go, I can only I 0:16:57.720 --> 0:17:01.920 really can only give myself close to this thing. You know, 0:17:02.080 --> 0:17:04.400 you kind of you kind of like relinquish this desire 0:17:04.440 --> 0:17:08.480 for control over this thing that you fundamentally have zero 0:17:08.560 --> 0:17:13.680 control over. And then yeah, and then weirdly, you you 0:17:13.760 --> 0:17:17.640 regain control, you know, because it's within it's within your 0:17:17.680 --> 0:17:20.880 control to accept you have no control, and that makes 0:17:20.880 --> 0:17:23.200 you feel a little bit more powerful over this otherwise 0:17:23.240 --> 0:17:24.720 powerless position. 0:17:25.920 --> 0:17:29.639 Yeah. Yeah, I do get that, and I think, you know, 0:17:29.960 --> 0:17:32.080 I could definitely, I know I'm going to be feeling 0:17:32.119 --> 0:17:34.720 optimistic about moving forwards my life if I do, you know, 0:17:34.800 --> 0:17:35.960 just get to a point where it's like, you know 0:17:36.000 --> 0:17:38.880 what it's done in the past and move forwards. 0:17:39.119 --> 0:17:41.520 But yeah, I guess it was just. 0:17:43.200 --> 0:17:45.159 Figuring out, but I still have feelings there. It was 0:17:45.200 --> 0:17:48.680 just like, all right, well, I'm just gonna reach out 0:17:48.720 --> 0:17:50.680 and just check in one last time. 0:17:54.840 --> 0:17:57.520 But all I mean, I mean, you know, all things considered, 0:17:57.600 --> 0:17:59.520 the fact that you seem like you're doing pretty well 0:17:59.560 --> 0:18:02.400 with this this crazy situation is I'm very impressed by. 0:18:02.880 --> 0:18:04.879 You know, you didn't let it crumble you or you know, 0:18:04.920 --> 0:18:07.040 you're not the fact that you're not sitting in a 0:18:07.119 --> 0:18:11.840 dark room thinking about your your cousin and and all 0:18:11.880 --> 0:18:13.320 this not your guy. You don't know why I keep 0:18:13.320 --> 0:18:17.480 calling this woman that you are are attracted to, I 0:18:17.520 --> 0:18:22.320 don't know why I keep Yeah, I mean, it's also 0:18:22.359 --> 0:18:24.399 good that you're not sitting in a dark room thinking 0:18:24.400 --> 0:18:27.639 about how much you love your cousin. Whether this woman's 0:18:27.720 --> 0:18:30.639 cousin or your cousin, it's good that you're not sitting 0:18:30.640 --> 0:18:32.760 in a dark room thinking about either. 0:18:33.960 --> 0:18:36.440 Yea, So I mean, good, good on you, man. 0:18:36.520 --> 0:18:39.440 I mean, just the fact that you're able to live 0:18:39.480 --> 0:18:44.880 a happy life despite some pretty miserable circumstances is something 0:18:44.960 --> 0:18:49.160 that I'm very I'm very impressed by. 0:18:50.040 --> 0:18:54.000 Thanks man. Yeah, it's taken a while. What didn't help 0:18:54.040 --> 0:18:55.639 a lot, but I was using it to cope for 0:18:55.680 --> 0:18:57.560 the first few years is I was smoking a bunch 0:18:57.560 --> 0:19:00.560 of weed. But I stopped doing that and it's really 0:19:00.800 --> 0:19:03.640 helped me to start being a lot more positive about everything. 0:19:03.720 --> 0:19:05.480 So that was a while. 0:19:05.240 --> 0:19:07.360 Agoing out I stopped. But it's definitely a good call 0:19:07.440 --> 0:19:09.760 as much of the fields like it helps, like in 0:19:09.800 --> 0:19:13.120 the moment, long time, take a picture and help anything. 0:19:12.920 --> 0:19:15.959 So tell us, I mean before we go, tell us 0:19:16.359 --> 0:19:19.240 anything else like that, anything else, what else has made 0:19:19.280 --> 0:19:23.919 you feel you know good in your life despite all this. 0:19:23.960 --> 0:19:26.440 For anyone else listening who's like, you know, maybe they're 0:19:26.480 --> 0:19:28.760 going maybe they're in the you're like in the uh, 0:19:29.960 --> 0:19:33.680 you've like you know, in the in the final stages 0:19:33.760 --> 0:19:37.080 of like dealing with this stuff, and it sounds like 0:19:37.080 --> 0:19:38.720 you've been able to process it pretty well. 0:19:38.760 --> 0:19:41.280 What's your advice or what's worked for you. 0:19:41.359 --> 0:19:45.080 To anyone else who's maybe dealing with some crazy shit, 0:19:46.280 --> 0:19:46.760 I would. 0:19:46.600 --> 0:19:51.399 Say, listen to yourself, trust yourself, forgive yourself. You can 0:19:51.440 --> 0:19:55.480 only do what you can do, and you know what 0:19:56.280 --> 0:19:59.560 is not helping you, so just don't do it. Just 0:19:59.640 --> 0:20:04.439 stop and that stuff and eventually you will start to 0:20:04.480 --> 0:20:07.560 get in tune with what you feel like you need 0:20:07.600 --> 0:20:09.159 and what you feel like you want to do, and 0:20:09.240 --> 0:20:13.960 just keep listening to that. And thanks can be okay. 0:20:14.280 --> 0:20:16.200