Speaker 1: Welcome to Carefully Reckless, the production of Our Heart Radio
Speaker 1: and the Black Effects, And just like that, we're back.
Speaker 1: Welcome yet another carefully Reckless session with your girl. Just hilarious.
Speaker 1: We're gonna jump right into just fix my Mess. Just
Speaker 1: please help me fix my mess. This one involves siblings.
Speaker 1: I'm the oldest of my mom's three daughters. She just
Speaker 1: recently passed in May. While I'm sorry, my father died
Speaker 1: in December of twenty one, I'm sorry again, so it's
Speaker 1: been overwhelming for all of us. I'm sure the middle
Speaker 1: sister is grieving better than me and my younger sister,
Speaker 1: and she feels like we should be going to therapy,
Speaker 1: et cetera. If we're not doing what she believes is right,
Speaker 1: then we're wrong. I texted her and let her know
Speaker 1: how I was feeling about my mom. She texted back,
Speaker 1: get help. Obviously I didn't get it through my skull
Speaker 1: the first time, because I ended up venting to her
Speaker 1: again with the same response. She does and understand why
Speaker 1: I'm not ready for counseling, et cetera. She says, I'm
Speaker 1: being selfish to my family because I won't seek help.
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm doing damn good. I go to
Speaker 1: work every day, I handle my business and everything. The
Speaker 1: process is slow, but I'm dealing with it Selfish to
Speaker 1: me is if I would have unlived myself or disappeared
Speaker 1: and went at my A. We have not been in
Speaker 1: contact with each other for about two weeks. I'm at
Speaker 1: the point where I'm about to just let it be.
Speaker 1: I'm lost and don't know what to do or how
Speaker 1: to feel. A part of me feels like saying fuck it.
Speaker 1: Maybe I should stay in my own lane, help a
Speaker 1: sister out. Just I wish to remain anonymous, and baby girl,
Speaker 1: you will remain anonymous. So first and foremost, I do
Speaker 1: want to just give you my condolences, my deepest condolenns
Speaker 1: for losing both of your parents, you know, a year apart.
Speaker 1: I'm very very sorry about that, not even a full
Speaker 1: year apart. I'm sorry about that. And your mom just
Speaker 1: died this year, that was months ago, you know. So
Speaker 1: your sister, I think needs to be a little bit
Speaker 1: more patient with you. I'll just say, off the rip. However,
Speaker 1: I believe she loves you and she just wants you
Speaker 1: to get help because she sees that you need it.
Speaker 1: But in your defense, everybody handles grief differently. Your sister
Speaker 1: cannot expect for you to handle your mom's death like
Speaker 1: she did. And then you didn't lose one parent, you
Speaker 1: lost both. Now you didn't specify if that's both of
Speaker 1: your dad or whatever, but I'm just gonna say that,
Speaker 1: you know, until you clarify that it isn't. Y'all just
Speaker 1: lost your dad as well. Next month would make a
Speaker 1: year that your dad has been gone. Your mom just
Speaker 1: passed months ago. Now I'm sorry, however they died or
Speaker 1: you know, it's still factual that they're never coming back,
Speaker 1: So you may have a hard time processing just knowing
Speaker 1: that you'll never be able to speak to either one
Speaker 1: of them again, and it's hard for you. And then
Speaker 1: one death after the other that can take a huge toll,
Speaker 1: a long term toll on someone. Now, I wouldn't just
Speaker 1: shun the idea of getting counseling and therapy, because I
Speaker 1: do think you needed. I know a number of folks
Speaker 1: who parents have passed that wish they actually got help younger,
Speaker 1: like my son's dad. He still says it, You know,
Speaker 1: I should have gotten help. Somebody should have taken me
Speaker 1: and gotten me help. He found his mother dead when
Speaker 1: he was ten years old. Fortunately for you, you were
Speaker 1: an adult. You know, you got to live out your
Speaker 1: childhood with your mother and your father. He did not.
Speaker 1: But even still it hurts. My mother lost her mother,
Speaker 1: my grandmother as an adult as well. I was in
Speaker 1: middle school and she had to get therapy. It doesn't
Speaker 1: matter when you lose a parent at any time in
Speaker 1: your life. It's worse as a child because you're not
Speaker 1: grown yet, so then now it's like, who's gonna raise me?
Speaker 1: But the fact that you lived your full kid life
Speaker 1: and she left you as an adult, that still doesn't help,
Speaker 1: because I know you depended on her for so many things,
Speaker 1: and you probably were the closest to your mom. There
Speaker 1: are a bunch of different variables that goes into this, however,
Speaker 1: the main one stands everybody grieves differently, give it more time.
Speaker 1: I don't think you should say fuck it with your sister.
Speaker 1: I think that she's very blunt and straightforward, and I
Speaker 1: think that that may be an issue for you too,
Speaker 1: that she's not really a pacifying person when it comes
Speaker 1: to these type of things per se. But trust me,
Speaker 1: she's dealing with it in her way as well. She
Speaker 1: probably has her nights and her days that are just unbearable,
Speaker 1: but she handles it differently. She probably doesn't wear it
Speaker 1: on her sleeve, but you never know how she's feeling.
Speaker 1: You haven't talked to her in two weeks. You guys
Speaker 1: lost both of your parents. I find it quite hard
Speaker 1: to believe that you would just say fuck it, because
Speaker 1: you need both of your sisters right now. Whether they're
Speaker 1: on different levels of grief or not, you all need
Speaker 1: each other, all three of you. She's just trying to
Speaker 1: make sure that you do get the help that you need. Now.
Speaker 1: You pointed out to me that you still go to work,
Speaker 1: you handle your business, but at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: none of that matters. If you're still broken, you can
Speaker 1: fall into a deep depression. You can become suicidal. That
Speaker 1: is what I think your sister is scared of. Without
Speaker 1: actually going there to actually say it, I think that
Speaker 1: that what she That is what she may be scared of.
Speaker 1: You know, she may be afraid that you may get
Speaker 1: so down that you may have suicidal thoughts, or it
Speaker 1: may start deteriorating your health, or you know, drive you
Speaker 1: mentally insane. You lost two of the people that birthew
Speaker 1: the two people that are the reason that you're even existing,
Speaker 1: God being first. But they made you, you understand, God
Speaker 1: made them to make you. I don't know if you're religious,
Speaker 1: you know, not trying to impose or conform you in
Speaker 1: any way, but I'm just saying, take you one day
Speaker 1: at a time, but never lose contact with your sister.
Speaker 1: You said that your sister called you selfish. I will
Speaker 1: not say that you are selfish. You know, you're just
Speaker 1: not as quick to come around yet. But trust and
Speaker 1: believe she loves you and she wants to look out
Speaker 1: for you as best as she can. And if getting
Speaker 1: help is the only way that she knows how to
Speaker 1: relay that message to you or to console you, then
Speaker 1: you just have to understand her. Just like you want
Speaker 1: her to understand you. You have to understand her as well.
Speaker 1: Don't lose contact because you guys need each other. Like
Speaker 1: I said, check back in with me and I will
Speaker 1: keep you in my prayers. Baby, Thank you, that's so sad.
Speaker 1: If you love me, you'll listen to this commercial and
Speaker 1: then we'll be right back. Okay, moving on now, this
Speaker 1: one is an update. Hi jasked, Oh my God, thanks
Speaker 1: for reading my mess I definitely had to check back
Speaker 1: in and actually ask a question. I have been digging
Speaker 1: deep lately. As I said initially, my relationship is one
Speaker 1: year old. I am truly happy with him. He knows
Speaker 1: how to treat a woman. I will say, but girl,
Speaker 1: I have seen and been through enough, and now I'm
Speaker 1: on this journey of discovering me understanding that we're all
Speaker 1: unique in my main focus needs to be on what
Speaker 1: I need as a grown ass woman. When I figured
Speaker 1: out my worth, I started moving differently. Now he approached me,
Speaker 1: of course, and like I stayed it before, I tried
Speaker 1: not to be materialistic, because a man can be rich
Speaker 1: and stable and also beat me and treat me like ship.
Speaker 1: This is how I came to the conclusion of the
Speaker 1: black man's mentality. I say black because I date black men,
Speaker 1: not to offend any other race. Now I'm finding my
Speaker 1: man's mentality is a major issue for me and could
Speaker 1: be the only reason we might not make it. We
Speaker 1: have fun together. He treats me well, and I'm happy, yes,
Speaker 1: but I can't bypass everything else I need in a man.
Speaker 1: Because I'm happy, I am learning I need more than that.
Speaker 1: I'm far from desperate. I already have a kid. I
Speaker 1: don't need a man for stability. I need a man
Speaker 1: for companionship and partnership. I don't need my man to
Speaker 1: have tons of money, but have tons of ideas about
Speaker 1: how you can get your money up. Lord, that was
Speaker 1: a word I think bigger than doing a legal ship
Speaker 1: like Jesus Sell cars Sell We've if you want to
Speaker 1: motherfucking get into sail so badly like sank my brothers.
Speaker 1: My man over here making me happy? Sure, but do
Speaker 1: he make me dinner lunch? Are these niggas making our
Speaker 1: lives easier? Okay, bear with me while I get to
Speaker 1: this question. Honey, I feel him and I should be
Speaker 1: on more of the next level. He did ask about
Speaker 1: us moving together, yet we ain't even had a three
Speaker 1: day weekend together, been grocery shopping together like real life ship.
Speaker 1: I know we have great potential as a couple, but
Speaker 1: I am beginning to wonder if he is truly on
Speaker 1: my level. Example, I had an old boo that would
Speaker 1: take my dirty clothes to a laundry service, even though
Speaker 1: he ended up being a liar and a cheater, it
Speaker 1: was the mentality for me. I didn't ask him for that,
Speaker 1: he just offered because he saw that ship would help me.
Speaker 1: That's where I need my man's head. Damn, girl, you're
Speaker 1: a single mom working hard as hell. Let me help
Speaker 1: you with life tasks. My man wants to take me
Speaker 1: out to fulfill his knee and we have fun. But girl,
Speaker 1: he planned ship that he wants to do. He has
Speaker 1: secured him a bit, which is me, so that now
Speaker 1: he ain't got to be alone. Is the vibe I'm getting.
Speaker 1: But seriously, I don't have one question. I have a
Speaker 1: thousand questions. How do couples begin to take that next
Speaker 1: step in growing the relationship without rushing and without being pressured.
Speaker 1: I don't want to nag him or make him feel bad,
Speaker 1: but I'm also not settling in certain things. I just
Speaker 1: don't have a nice way of saying, Okay, girl, listen.
Speaker 1: So this is my girl. I do remember her. She
Speaker 1: was the one that dropped all of gems about the
Speaker 1: questions that she had about men. She was like, why
Speaker 1: is everybody mentality is just to be a thug or
Speaker 1: damn you know hustler and ship? Where are the real
Speaker 1: rail rail thinking men out here? I think in order
Speaker 1: to grow your relationship with someone, I think that that
Speaker 1: starts with communication. I know that you say you don't
Speaker 1: say things nicely all the time, but I still think
Speaker 1: that sometimes you have to be a little blunt. You
Speaker 1: have to be straightforward, and you can do so without
Speaker 1: being rude. You can do so without being a bit
Speaker 1: or without sounding like you're nagging someone, because no man
Speaker 1: really wants to hear that anyway, And honestly, they're human beings,
Speaker 1: just like we're human beings. We don't like to be
Speaker 1: talked to you like that. You know, I don't believe
Speaker 1: that a woman should talk to a man that way.
Speaker 1: I've actually done that, and I don't like the way
Speaker 1: I made men feel in the past, talking to them
Speaker 1: as if they were boys instead of men. So we're
Speaker 1: just gonna keep the respect level. However, you do have
Speaker 1: a lot of valid points, and you are well deserved
Speaker 1: of that drive. I can tell by how you speak
Speaker 1: you have a lot going for yourself and you don't
Speaker 1: want to just settle for anything because you're very sure
Speaker 1: of yourself. You know your worth. What I think it
Speaker 1: is is that a lot of men don't know theirs.
Speaker 1: And when I say that, they don't know they're worth
Speaker 1: in a sense of what they're capable of doing. A
Speaker 1: lot of people just subject themselves to certain things because
Speaker 1: of what's around them and their living environment and how
Speaker 1: they grew up, and and they think that they're bound
Speaker 1: to these chains and you know, to the cycles that
Speaker 1: can easily be broken. All you have to do is
Speaker 1: change it for yourself. You can put your mind to
Speaker 1: that ship and you can do anything. And that sounds
Speaker 1: very cliche. I know we heard that growing up. You
Speaker 1: can do anything that you put your mind to. That
Speaker 1: is a true, goddamn statement. It's very true, and it's
Speaker 1: nothing to play with. It is I put my mind
Speaker 1: to do everything I'm doing now, and I'm putting my
Speaker 1: mind to do everything I'm gonna do in the future.
Speaker 1: This is not where I stop. I'm never gonna be
Speaker 1: comfortable where I am because I know there's always somewhere
Speaker 1: else to be, somewhere greater. So I think that he
Speaker 1: doesn't know his worth. Now this is the question, because
Speaker 1: I love how you saying all this ship, but in
Speaker 1: the same breath you still are claiming him. I love
Speaker 1: that That means that you are willing to fix whatever
Speaker 1: you guys are going through at the moment. I believe that.
Speaker 1: Correct me. If I'm wrong, because girl, you are my man,
Speaker 1: my man, my man, every other sentence, and I love it.
Speaker 1: But there are issues that you, guys, need to fix
Speaker 1: before you take it to the next level. I think
Speaker 1: you need to set him down and have a conversation
Speaker 1: with him like you're his mother, but like you are,
Speaker 1: really a concerned companion. Like you said, you don't need
Speaker 1: a man for stability. I love how you put it.
Speaker 1: You need a man for companionship and partnership. You already
Speaker 1: have a child, you already have things that you have
Speaker 1: established on your own. You're just ready to now settle
Speaker 1: down and love and be loved. And he treats you
Speaker 1: good and all that, and you're happy, but you're saying
Speaker 1: happy is not enough. Okay, Well, you need to tell
Speaker 1: him what that looks like, and he needs to tell you.
Speaker 1: And if he's not the type to just tell you,
Speaker 1: ask him, what do you want from me? Where do
Speaker 1: you see us? What do you think you should do?
Speaker 1: You should tell him. You don't have to bring up
Speaker 1: the fact that your ex took your laundry to a
Speaker 1: laundry service, but you can actually tell him what you want.
Speaker 1: Sometimes you have to do that. Ladies. Guys don't read
Speaker 1: our minds. They can't read our minds half the time,
Speaker 1: they don't even have anything in their goddamn minds. They
Speaker 1: can't read our minds. You can teach him and listen,
Speaker 1: I bet you, because he's not all bad, or you
Speaker 1: wouldn't be with him. The type of woman that I
Speaker 1: think you are, You are not about to sit there
Speaker 1: and be with no goddamn loser, okay, or anybody less
Speaker 1: than what you require. All right. I think you need
Speaker 1: to be a little bit more patient, but also he
Speaker 1: needs to step it up, so you'a gotta meet somewhere
Speaker 1: in the middle, and that has to be a conversation,
Speaker 1: you understand. I think you should check back in with
Speaker 1: me again because I'm gonna keep bothering you about it,
Speaker 1: because I like how you look at things, you know.
Speaker 1: I like it. And you could actually do classes for
Speaker 1: young women, you know, to teach them the worth and
Speaker 1: to teach them how to recognize real love and and
Speaker 1: why you don't throw it away and why you should
Speaker 1: work on it if it's worth working on. Because I
Speaker 1: think your relationship is very much worth the work. So
Speaker 1: check back in with me, girl, Hold up, Hold up,
Speaker 1: I know the ship getting good but listen to just
Speaker 1: a couple of seconds of a commercial. If you love me,
Speaker 1: you'll listen. And lastly, Hey, Jess, long story. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: try to make sure I need your advice on if
Speaker 1: I should walk away or try to make it work. Basically,
Speaker 1: me and my guy have been together for seven years.
Speaker 1: Of course, we have broken up multiple times throughout the years.
Speaker 1: Well recently we broke up February two right after Valentine's Day,
Speaker 1: and just recently started back talking. Two months ago. We
Speaker 1: broke up because all of the accusing and assuming and
Speaker 1: of course cheating. While after my grandmother died at the
Speaker 1: end of August, I started back talking to him. He
Speaker 1: was close to my family and would check in on me. Well,
Speaker 1: he's in a relationship with another girl, but still texting
Speaker 1: me and coming to see me when we're around each other.
Speaker 1: I missed that relationship we had and I don't want
Speaker 1: him to go, but I don't tell him. He tells
Speaker 1: me when I'm ready to be with him, he will
Speaker 1: leave her and come back. Problem is, I was just
Speaker 1: about to tell him I want to get back together
Speaker 1: until I found out she was pregnant. I'm so hurt
Speaker 1: because we've been together for years and don't have children.
Speaker 1: We were high school sweethearts. We promised to never have
Speaker 1: kids with anyone else, and now he is all. I
Speaker 1: can't be mad because he didn't cheat and bring a
Speaker 1: baby home we weren't together. The dilemma is we're only
Speaker 1: twenty five. Do I stay and help raise somebody else's
Speaker 1: kid because I truly love him? Or do I cut ties.
Speaker 1: I've tried dating other guys. I'll text and talk on
Speaker 1: the phone, but when it's time for the date, I
Speaker 1: get nervous and cancel or go ghost. Is it because
Speaker 1: he's my soul mate? Well, given that you, I believe
Speaker 1: that you're old enough to know what a soul mate is.
Speaker 1: I mean now, when I say that, I don't want
Speaker 1: you guys to think that I'm saying, oh, she's not
Speaker 1: old enough to know what love is. But no, when
Speaker 1: you're very, very very young and you've only dated one
Speaker 1: person your whole life, you're really only bounding yourself to
Speaker 1: one person. That's why I encourage young people to date,
Speaker 1: because you don't know what you want because you've only
Speaker 1: dated one type of person who's your age. And then
Speaker 1: there are people who have been with the same person
Speaker 1: since they were sixteen, you know. But usually those relationships
Speaker 1: end up with people cheating because they got together so
Speaker 1: young that they never got to date outside of just
Speaker 1: one person. But that's neither here there. I feel that
Speaker 1: you're comfortable saying that he's your soul mate, So maybe
Speaker 1: he is. You know, you said you talked to other guys,
Speaker 1: but you can't get him out of your mind. And
Speaker 1: you guys been together since high school, never had any kids.
Speaker 1: You guys broke up one time recently, just started dealing
Speaker 1: back with each other. He's cheating on his girlfriend with you.
Speaker 1: He had started dating someone else and he cheated on
Speaker 1: her with you. He misses you. Um, all right, now,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna say this, but I don't think that you're
Speaker 1: going to agree. He Maybe you're soul mate in your mind,
Speaker 1: but you're certainly not his. He can't say things like
Speaker 1: he'll leave her when you're ready to be back with him.
Speaker 1: That's not how that ship posts the work. If you
Speaker 1: were his soul mate, he wouldn't have to wait for
Speaker 1: you to say okay, we can be together for him
Speaker 1: to leave the girl. And now they got a baby,
Speaker 1: so their bonds absolutely bonded with a baby and that's
Speaker 1: a new baby. I'm a I mean, because all this
Speaker 1: is very recent you're talking of. I don't know. I
Speaker 1: think you need to think long and hard about this,
Speaker 1: because someone who you feel is your soul mate you
Speaker 1: may not be theirs. You know. I'm not saying he
Speaker 1: doesn't love you. I'm not saying he doesn't care. I'm
Speaker 1: not saying he doesn't even want to be with you.
Speaker 1: But he certainly wants to be there as well, or
Speaker 1: he would not be there. And it's certainly not all
Speaker 1: because of the baby. So we're just going to take
Speaker 1: it for what it is. We're gonna be honest with ourselves,
Speaker 1: and we're gonna take it very slow. I don't think
Speaker 1: that you should move in that direction and settle for
Speaker 1: being with him raising someone else's kid, No, I don't,
Speaker 1: or helping raid someone else's kid. I don't think you
Speaker 1: should do. I think you should try to move on
Speaker 1: and find another soul mate, because he may only be
Speaker 1: your soul mate as a friend. I think that's what
Speaker 1: people get miscoustry. Let me explain this real quick, and
Speaker 1: then I'm gonna end it on this note for you.
Speaker 1: So a soul mate doesn't have to be someone that
Speaker 1: you're intimate with. Your soul mating be your best friend.
Speaker 1: Your soul mate is just someone that you can't live without.
Speaker 1: That doesn't necessarily have to be your husband, doesn't necessarily
Speaker 1: have to be a boyfriend. A soul mate by Dictionary
Speaker 1: definition as a person ideally suited to another as a
Speaker 1: close friend or romantic partner, So it really doesn't have
Speaker 1: to be your man. Your soul mate can be your brother,
Speaker 1: you know, someone you can't live without. You know, a
Speaker 1: best friend, like I said, a good friend who understands you,
Speaker 1: knows you in and out, who, no matter what, will
Speaker 1: deceive you or leave you. You know, that can literally
Speaker 1: be a close friend that could be one of your girlfriends.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. But that's why I said.
Speaker 1: He may well very be your soul mate in a
Speaker 1: close friends sense, but in a romantic sense, I don't
Speaker 1: think so. I think he still has a lot of
Speaker 1: growing up to do before he even realizes what that is.
Speaker 1: But the fact that he's still with her, and he's
Speaker 1: cheating on her with you but telling you he's not
Speaker 1: gonna leave her until you are seriously ready to get
Speaker 1: back with him. He's playing games now because now he
Speaker 1: has his cake and he's now eating it too. Let
Speaker 1: me ask you this, does the baby mother know that
Speaker 1: he's having sex with you and that you got are
Speaker 1: back in contact. If he was open and honest about
Speaker 1: everything with everyone, with each party, that would be different,
Speaker 1: because then you both have the chance to choose. You
Speaker 1: both have a choice then to say I'm gonna walk
Speaker 1: away from this or this is what I'm gonna allow.
Speaker 1: But you only know about her. She doesn't know about you.
Speaker 1: You're not moving right, you know, because say he does
Speaker 1: leave her and come back to you, she can then
Speaker 1: become you, and he'd be cheating on you with her
Speaker 1: because you're already allowing him to do so on her.
Speaker 1: You know. It's what you allow. It's not what men do.
Speaker 1: It's what we allow them to do, and they will
Speaker 1: only go as far as we let them go with us.
Speaker 1: So you're not really doing yourself a due diligence by
Speaker 1: accepting bits and pieces of them, because that's what you're getting.
Speaker 1: He has a family now, so I think that you
Speaker 1: should cut that off. You're young, you have no kids,
Speaker 1: and you got your whole life ahead of you. Baby.
Speaker 1: If you don't want to just be his friend and
Speaker 1: step back and weigh all your options. I can't tell
Speaker 1: you what to do, but you add for me to
Speaker 1: fix your mess, and that is what I'm telling you
Speaker 1: to do. Fix it because it's very messy and it
Speaker 1: can get messier. And just like that, we've come to
Speaker 1: get another end of the segment, Just fix My Mess
Speaker 1: on Carefully Reckless podcast. I love all of you guys.
Speaker 1: I really really enjoy this. This is very therapeutic for
Speaker 1: me as I'm not doing the best in my relationship
Speaker 1: right now. I don't know if I'm in a relationship
Speaker 1: or not just so, or if I ever will be again.
Speaker 1: Y'all ship, So, y'all pray for me while I continue
Speaker 1: to fix you'll mess and each and every week, tune
Speaker 1: into Reckless Discussions that lives on YouTube and YouTube only,
Speaker 1: and also tune into Carefully Reckless and then my deepest
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