WEBVTT - Grief & Love 0:00:00.160 --> 0:00:03.119 Welcome to Carefully Reckless, the production of Our Heart Radio 0:00:03.240 --> 0:00:15.960 and the Black Effects, And just like that, we're back. 0:00:16.000 --> 0:00:20.440 Welcome yet another carefully Reckless session with your girl. Just hilarious. 0:00:20.600 --> 0:00:23.079 We're gonna jump right into just fix my Mess. Just 0:00:23.320 --> 0:00:26.480 please help me fix my mess. This one involves siblings. 0:00:26.480 --> 0:00:29.200 I'm the oldest of my mom's three daughters. She just 0:00:29.320 --> 0:00:32.600 recently passed in May. While I'm sorry, my father died 0:00:32.640 --> 0:00:35.559 in December of twenty one, I'm sorry again, so it's 0:00:35.560 --> 0:00:38.360 been overwhelming for all of us. I'm sure the middle 0:00:38.400 --> 0:00:41.760 sister is grieving better than me and my younger sister, 0:00:41.840 --> 0:00:44.240 and she feels like we should be going to therapy, 0:00:44.280 --> 0:00:46.680 et cetera. If we're not doing what she believes is right, 0:00:46.720 --> 0:00:49.400 then we're wrong. I texted her and let her know 0:00:49.440 --> 0:00:52.120 how I was feeling about my mom. She texted back, 0:00:52.280 --> 0:00:55.240 get help. Obviously I didn't get it through my skull 0:00:55.320 --> 0:00:57.920 the first time, because I ended up venting to her 0:00:57.960 --> 0:01:00.720 again with the same response. She does and understand why 0:01:00.760 --> 0:01:03.480 I'm not ready for counseling, et cetera. She says, I'm 0:01:03.480 --> 0:01:05.840 being selfish to my family because I won't seek help. 0:01:06.280 --> 0:01:08.600 I feel like I'm doing damn good. I go to 0:01:08.640 --> 0:01:12.160 work every day, I handle my business and everything. The 0:01:12.240 --> 0:01:15.319 process is slow, but I'm dealing with it Selfish to 0:01:15.400 --> 0:01:19.520 me is if I would have unlived myself or disappeared 0:01:19.560 --> 0:01:22.039 and went at my A. We have not been in 0:01:22.040 --> 0:01:24.080 contact with each other for about two weeks. I'm at 0:01:24.080 --> 0:01:25.880 the point where I'm about to just let it be. 0:01:26.120 --> 0:01:28.479 I'm lost and don't know what to do or how 0:01:28.520 --> 0:01:31.120 to feel. A part of me feels like saying fuck it. 0:01:31.600 --> 0:01:33.800 Maybe I should stay in my own lane, help a 0:01:33.880 --> 0:01:37.679 sister out. Just I wish to remain anonymous, and baby girl, 0:01:38.040 --> 0:01:41.280 you will remain anonymous. So first and foremost, I do 0:01:41.400 --> 0:01:44.360 want to just give you my condolences, my deepest condolenns 0:01:44.400 --> 0:01:47.280 for losing both of your parents, you know, a year apart. 0:01:47.440 --> 0:01:49.920 I'm very very sorry about that, not even a full 0:01:50.000 --> 0:01:54.200 year apart. I'm sorry about that. And your mom just 0:01:54.360 --> 0:01:57.200 died this year, that was months ago, you know. So 0:01:57.360 --> 0:01:59.200 your sister, I think needs to be a little bit 0:01:59.280 --> 0:02:03.040 more patient with you. I'll just say, off the rip. However, 0:02:03.120 --> 0:02:05.240 I believe she loves you and she just wants you 0:02:05.320 --> 0:02:08.240 to get help because she sees that you need it. 0:02:08.600 --> 0:02:12.640 But in your defense, everybody handles grief differently. Your sister 0:02:12.800 --> 0:02:16.040 cannot expect for you to handle your mom's death like 0:02:16.160 --> 0:02:19.359 she did. And then you didn't lose one parent, you 0:02:19.440 --> 0:02:22.600 lost both. Now you didn't specify if that's both of 0:02:22.639 --> 0:02:24.959 your dad or whatever, but I'm just gonna say that, 0:02:25.040 --> 0:02:28.680 you know, until you clarify that it isn't. Y'all just 0:02:28.840 --> 0:02:31.960 lost your dad as well. Next month would make a 0:02:32.040 --> 0:02:34.960 year that your dad has been gone. Your mom just 0:02:35.080 --> 0:02:40.280 passed months ago. Now I'm sorry, however they died or 0:02:40.440 --> 0:02:44.680 you know, it's still factual that they're never coming back, 0:02:45.200 --> 0:02:49.040 So you may have a hard time processing just knowing 0:02:49.120 --> 0:02:51.680 that you'll never be able to speak to either one 0:02:51.720 --> 0:02:54.040 of them again, and it's hard for you. And then 0:02:54.080 --> 0:02:58.280 one death after the other that can take a huge toll, 0:02:58.400 --> 0:03:01.880 a long term toll on someone. Now, I wouldn't just 0:03:02.120 --> 0:03:05.720 shun the idea of getting counseling and therapy, because I 0:03:05.760 --> 0:03:08.560 do think you needed. I know a number of folks 0:03:08.760 --> 0:03:13.320 who parents have passed that wish they actually got help younger, 0:03:13.800 --> 0:03:16.360 like my son's dad. He still says it, You know, 0:03:16.440 --> 0:03:18.520 I should have gotten help. Somebody should have taken me 0:03:18.560 --> 0:03:20.760 and gotten me help. He found his mother dead when 0:03:20.800 --> 0:03:24.919 he was ten years old. Fortunately for you, you were 0:03:24.960 --> 0:03:26.920 an adult. You know, you got to live out your 0:03:27.000 --> 0:03:30.360 childhood with your mother and your father. He did not. 0:03:30.639 --> 0:03:33.880 But even still it hurts. My mother lost her mother, 0:03:34.000 --> 0:03:36.480 my grandmother as an adult as well. I was in 0:03:36.520 --> 0:03:39.920 middle school and she had to get therapy. It doesn't 0:03:39.960 --> 0:03:42.800 matter when you lose a parent at any time in 0:03:42.800 --> 0:03:45.200 your life. It's worse as a child because you're not 0:03:45.280 --> 0:03:48.120 grown yet, so then now it's like, who's gonna raise me? 0:03:48.400 --> 0:03:52.120 But the fact that you lived your full kid life 0:03:52.400 --> 0:03:55.520 and she left you as an adult, that still doesn't help, 0:03:55.560 --> 0:03:57.960 because I know you depended on her for so many things, 0:03:58.360 --> 0:04:00.880 and you probably were the closest to your mom. There 0:04:00.920 --> 0:04:03.480 are a bunch of different variables that goes into this, however, 0:04:03.720 --> 0:04:09.160 the main one stands everybody grieves differently, give it more time. 0:04:09.400 --> 0:04:11.920 I don't think you should say fuck it with your sister. 0:04:12.240 --> 0:04:14.800 I think that she's very blunt and straightforward, and I 0:04:14.840 --> 0:04:17.200 think that that may be an issue for you too, 0:04:17.279 --> 0:04:22.320 that she's not really a pacifying person when it comes 0:04:22.360 --> 0:04:25.560 to these type of things per se. But trust me, 0:04:25.600 --> 0:04:27.960 she's dealing with it in her way as well. She 0:04:28.080 --> 0:04:31.920 probably has her nights and her days that are just unbearable, 0:04:31.920 --> 0:04:34.839 but she handles it differently. She probably doesn't wear it 0:04:34.880 --> 0:04:38.000 on her sleeve, but you never know how she's feeling. 0:04:38.000 --> 0:04:40.240 You haven't talked to her in two weeks. You guys 0:04:40.680 --> 0:04:44.640 lost both of your parents. I find it quite hard 0:04:45.120 --> 0:04:48.599 to believe that you would just say fuck it, because 0:04:48.640 --> 0:04:52.320 you need both of your sisters right now. Whether they're 0:04:52.320 --> 0:04:56.000 on different levels of grief or not, you all need 0:04:56.200 --> 0:04:59.159 each other, all three of you. She's just trying to 0:04:59.200 --> 0:05:02.320 make sure that you do get the help that you need. Now. 0:05:02.880 --> 0:05:05.680 You pointed out to me that you still go to work, 0:05:05.680 --> 0:05:07.920 you handle your business, but at the end of the day, 0:05:07.960 --> 0:05:10.560 none of that matters. If you're still broken, you can 0:05:10.600 --> 0:05:13.960 fall into a deep depression. You can become suicidal. That 0:05:14.160 --> 0:05:16.560 is what I think your sister is scared of. Without 0:05:16.600 --> 0:05:20.320 actually going there to actually say it, I think that 0:05:20.320 --> 0:05:22.680 that what she That is what she may be scared of. 0:05:22.880 --> 0:05:25.360 You know, she may be afraid that you may get 0:05:25.440 --> 0:05:28.880 so down that you may have suicidal thoughts, or it 0:05:28.920 --> 0:05:32.039 may start deteriorating your health, or you know, drive you 0:05:32.080 --> 0:05:35.960 mentally insane. You lost two of the people that birthew 0:05:36.480 --> 0:05:39.200 the two people that are the reason that you're even existing, 0:05:39.800 --> 0:05:43.840 God being first. But they made you, you understand, God 0:05:43.920 --> 0:05:46.520 made them to make you. I don't know if you're religious, 0:05:46.560 --> 0:05:49.640 you know, not trying to impose or conform you in 0:05:49.680 --> 0:05:52.120 any way, but I'm just saying, take you one day 0:05:52.120 --> 0:05:54.560 at a time, but never lose contact with your sister. 0:05:55.000 --> 0:05:57.200 You said that your sister called you selfish. I will 0:05:57.240 --> 0:06:00.440 not say that you are selfish. You know, you're just 0:06:00.520 --> 0:06:03.640 not as quick to come around yet. But trust and 0:06:03.720 --> 0:06:05.839 believe she loves you and she wants to look out 0:06:05.880 --> 0:06:08.680 for you as best as she can. And if getting 0:06:08.720 --> 0:06:11.039 help is the only way that she knows how to 0:06:11.200 --> 0:06:14.320 relay that message to you or to console you, then 0:06:14.400 --> 0:06:17.599 you just have to understand her. Just like you want 0:06:17.600 --> 0:06:20.600 her to understand you. You have to understand her as well. 0:06:20.839 --> 0:06:23.360 Don't lose contact because you guys need each other. Like 0:06:23.400 --> 0:06:25.240 I said, check back in with me and I will 0:06:25.320 --> 0:06:28.320 keep you in my prayers. Baby, Thank you, that's so sad. 0:06:29.360 --> 0:06:31.760 If you love me, you'll listen to this commercial and 0:06:31.760 --> 0:06:36.280 then we'll be right back. Okay, moving on now, this 0:06:36.320 --> 0:06:39.279 one is an update. Hi jasked, Oh my God, thanks 0:06:39.320 --> 0:06:41.479 for reading my mess I definitely had to check back 0:06:41.520 --> 0:06:44.480 in and actually ask a question. I have been digging 0:06:44.520 --> 0:06:47.360 deep lately. As I said initially, my relationship is one 0:06:47.440 --> 0:06:50.360 year old. I am truly happy with him. He knows 0:06:50.360 --> 0:06:53.159 how to treat a woman. I will say, but girl, 0:06:53.240 --> 0:06:55.640 I have seen and been through enough, and now I'm 0:06:55.720 --> 0:06:59.279 on this journey of discovering me understanding that we're all 0:06:59.360 --> 0:07:02.040 unique in my main focus needs to be on what 0:07:02.120 --> 0:07:04.880 I need as a grown ass woman. When I figured 0:07:04.920 --> 0:07:08.480 out my worth, I started moving differently. Now he approached me, 0:07:09.000 --> 0:07:11.720 of course, and like I stayed it before, I tried 0:07:11.800 --> 0:07:14.440 not to be materialistic, because a man can be rich 0:07:14.480 --> 0:07:17.440 and stable and also beat me and treat me like ship. 0:07:17.840 --> 0:07:20.080 This is how I came to the conclusion of the 0:07:20.120 --> 0:07:24.120 black man's mentality. I say black because I date black men, 0:07:24.640 --> 0:07:27.920 not to offend any other race. Now I'm finding my 0:07:28.000 --> 0:07:31.000 man's mentality is a major issue for me and could 0:07:31.040 --> 0:07:32.800 be the only reason we might not make it. We 0:07:32.880 --> 0:07:35.360 have fun together. He treats me well, and I'm happy, yes, 0:07:35.760 --> 0:07:38.600 but I can't bypass everything else I need in a man. 0:07:38.800 --> 0:07:42.120 Because I'm happy, I am learning I need more than that. 0:07:42.600 --> 0:07:45.240 I'm far from desperate. I already have a kid. I 0:07:45.280 --> 0:07:47.720 don't need a man for stability. I need a man 0:07:47.800 --> 0:07:51.160 for companionship and partnership. I don't need my man to 0:07:51.280 --> 0:07:53.720 have tons of money, but have tons of ideas about 0:07:53.760 --> 0:07:57.000 how you can get your money up. Lord, that was 0:07:57.000 --> 0:08:00.320 a word I think bigger than doing a legal ship 0:08:00.400 --> 0:08:03.880 like Jesus Sell cars Sell We've if you want to 0:08:03.960 --> 0:08:08.160 motherfucking get into sail so badly like sank my brothers. 0:08:08.880 --> 0:08:11.520 My man over here making me happy? Sure, but do 0:08:11.640 --> 0:08:14.480 he make me dinner lunch? Are these niggas making our 0:08:14.520 --> 0:08:17.560 lives easier? Okay, bear with me while I get to 0:08:17.640 --> 0:08:21.240 this question. Honey, I feel him and I should be 0:08:21.280 --> 0:08:24.000 on more of the next level. He did ask about 0:08:24.120 --> 0:08:26.440 us moving together, yet we ain't even had a three 0:08:26.520 --> 0:08:30.280 day weekend together, been grocery shopping together like real life ship. 0:08:30.560 --> 0:08:33.320 I know we have great potential as a couple, but 0:08:33.400 --> 0:08:35.360 I am beginning to wonder if he is truly on 0:08:35.400 --> 0:08:38.560 my level. Example, I had an old boo that would 0:08:38.600 --> 0:08:41.400 take my dirty clothes to a laundry service, even though 0:08:41.400 --> 0:08:44.079 he ended up being a liar and a cheater, it 0:08:44.120 --> 0:08:47.720 was the mentality for me. I didn't ask him for that, 0:08:47.800 --> 0:08:50.640 he just offered because he saw that ship would help me. 0:08:51.080 --> 0:08:53.640 That's where I need my man's head. Damn, girl, you're 0:08:53.640 --> 0:08:56.040 a single mom working hard as hell. Let me help 0:08:56.080 --> 0:08:58.760 you with life tasks. My man wants to take me 0:08:58.800 --> 0:09:01.640 out to fulfill his knee and we have fun. But girl, 0:09:01.960 --> 0:09:04.439 he planned ship that he wants to do. He has 0:09:04.480 --> 0:09:07.000 secured him a bit, which is me, so that now 0:09:07.120 --> 0:09:09.360 he ain't got to be alone. Is the vibe I'm getting. 0:09:09.800 --> 0:09:11.840 But seriously, I don't have one question. I have a 0:09:11.880 --> 0:09:15.000 thousand questions. How do couples begin to take that next 0:09:15.040 --> 0:09:18.960 step in growing the relationship without rushing and without being pressured. 0:09:19.160 --> 0:09:21.120 I don't want to nag him or make him feel bad, 0:09:21.200 --> 0:09:24.440 but I'm also not settling in certain things. I just 0:09:24.480 --> 0:09:28.600 don't have a nice way of saying, Okay, girl, listen. 0:09:28.920 --> 0:09:30.920 So this is my girl. I do remember her. She 0:09:31.000 --> 0:09:32.680 was the one that dropped all of gems about the 0:09:32.760 --> 0:09:35.200 questions that she had about men. She was like, why 0:09:35.320 --> 0:09:37.559 is everybody mentality is just to be a thug or 0:09:37.640 --> 0:09:40.880 damn you know hustler and ship? Where are the real 0:09:41.520 --> 0:09:46.000 rail rail thinking men out here? I think in order 0:09:46.040 --> 0:09:50.240 to grow your relationship with someone, I think that that 0:09:50.400 --> 0:09:54.120 starts with communication. I know that you say you don't 0:09:54.160 --> 0:09:57.280 say things nicely all the time, but I still think 0:09:57.360 --> 0:09:59.640 that sometimes you have to be a little blunt. You 0:09:59.640 --> 0:10:01.800 have to be straightforward, and you can do so without 0:10:01.840 --> 0:10:04.480 being rude. You can do so without being a bit 0:10:04.800 --> 0:10:08.839 or without sounding like you're nagging someone, because no man 0:10:08.960 --> 0:10:12.760 really wants to hear that anyway, And honestly, they're human beings, 0:10:12.760 --> 0:10:14.240 just like we're human beings. We don't like to be 0:10:14.240 --> 0:10:15.880 talked to you like that. You know, I don't believe 0:10:15.880 --> 0:10:17.520 that a woman should talk to a man that way. 0:10:17.600 --> 0:10:19.920 I've actually done that, and I don't like the way 0:10:19.920 --> 0:10:22.920 I made men feel in the past, talking to them 0:10:22.960 --> 0:10:25.680 as if they were boys instead of men. So we're 0:10:25.679 --> 0:10:28.680 just gonna keep the respect level. However, you do have 0:10:28.679 --> 0:10:31.120 a lot of valid points, and you are well deserved 0:10:31.320 --> 0:10:34.160 of that drive. I can tell by how you speak 0:10:34.160 --> 0:10:36.360 you have a lot going for yourself and you don't 0:10:36.559 --> 0:10:38.920 want to just settle for anything because you're very sure 0:10:38.960 --> 0:10:41.440 of yourself. You know your worth. What I think it 0:10:41.640 --> 0:10:44.520 is is that a lot of men don't know theirs. 0:10:44.640 --> 0:10:46.360 And when I say that, they don't know they're worth 0:10:46.400 --> 0:10:49.920 in a sense of what they're capable of doing. A 0:10:49.920 --> 0:10:52.880 lot of people just subject themselves to certain things because 0:10:52.880 --> 0:10:55.600 of what's around them and their living environment and how 0:10:55.640 --> 0:10:57.880 they grew up, and and they think that they're bound 0:10:58.280 --> 0:11:01.640 to these chains and you know, to the cycles that 0:11:02.000 --> 0:11:04.400 can easily be broken. All you have to do is 0:11:04.480 --> 0:11:06.560 change it for yourself. You can put your mind to 0:11:06.640 --> 0:11:08.600 that ship and you can do anything. And that sounds 0:11:08.679 --> 0:11:10.760 very cliche. I know we heard that growing up. You 0:11:10.800 --> 0:11:12.280 can do anything that you put your mind to. That 0:11:12.400 --> 0:11:15.760 is a true, goddamn statement. It's very true, and it's 0:11:15.840 --> 0:11:18.440 nothing to play with. It is I put my mind 0:11:18.760 --> 0:11:21.360 to do everything I'm doing now, and I'm putting my 0:11:21.400 --> 0:11:23.880 mind to do everything I'm gonna do in the future. 0:11:24.120 --> 0:11:25.960 This is not where I stop. I'm never gonna be 0:11:26.000 --> 0:11:29.040 comfortable where I am because I know there's always somewhere 0:11:29.080 --> 0:11:32.480 else to be, somewhere greater. So I think that he 0:11:32.559 --> 0:11:35.720 doesn't know his worth. Now this is the question, because 0:11:35.720 --> 0:11:37.800 I love how you saying all this ship, but in 0:11:37.840 --> 0:11:40.640 the same breath you still are claiming him. I love 0:11:40.720 --> 0:11:43.160 that That means that you are willing to fix whatever 0:11:43.640 --> 0:11:46.400 you guys are going through at the moment. I believe that. 0:11:46.520 --> 0:11:49.440 Correct me. If I'm wrong, because girl, you are my man, 0:11:49.640 --> 0:11:52.320 my man, my man, every other sentence, and I love it. 0:11:52.840 --> 0:11:55.079 But there are issues that you, guys, need to fix 0:11:55.559 --> 0:11:57.400 before you take it to the next level. I think 0:11:57.440 --> 0:11:59.240 you need to set him down and have a conversation 0:11:59.280 --> 0:12:02.200 with him like you're his mother, but like you are, 0:12:02.240 --> 0:12:05.160 really a concerned companion. Like you said, you don't need 0:12:05.200 --> 0:12:07.160 a man for stability. I love how you put it. 0:12:07.360 --> 0:12:10.800 You need a man for companionship and partnership. You already 0:12:10.840 --> 0:12:12.400 have a child, you already have things that you have 0:12:12.559 --> 0:12:15.520 established on your own. You're just ready to now settle 0:12:15.559 --> 0:12:19.040 down and love and be loved. And he treats you 0:12:19.080 --> 0:12:21.040 good and all that, and you're happy, but you're saying 0:12:21.080 --> 0:12:23.720 happy is not enough. Okay, Well, you need to tell 0:12:23.800 --> 0:12:26.480 him what that looks like, and he needs to tell you. 0:12:26.880 --> 0:12:28.559 And if he's not the type to just tell you, 0:12:28.720 --> 0:12:30.560 ask him, what do you want from me? Where do 0:12:30.640 --> 0:12:32.640 you see us? What do you think you should do? 0:12:32.720 --> 0:12:34.760 You should tell him. You don't have to bring up 0:12:34.800 --> 0:12:37.000 the fact that your ex took your laundry to a 0:12:37.080 --> 0:12:40.480 laundry service, but you can actually tell him what you want. 0:12:41.000 --> 0:12:43.360 Sometimes you have to do that. Ladies. Guys don't read 0:12:43.360 --> 0:12:45.720 our minds. They can't read our minds half the time, 0:12:45.760 --> 0:12:48.480 they don't even have anything in their goddamn minds. They 0:12:48.480 --> 0:12:52.040 can't read our minds. You can teach him and listen, 0:12:52.360 --> 0:12:54.760 I bet you, because he's not all bad, or you 0:12:54.760 --> 0:12:56.400 wouldn't be with him. The type of woman that I 0:12:56.440 --> 0:12:58.120 think you are, You are not about to sit there 0:12:58.280 --> 0:13:01.360 and be with no goddamn loser, okay, or anybody less 0:13:01.360 --> 0:13:04.440 than what you require. All right. I think you need 0:13:04.480 --> 0:13:07.480 to be a little bit more patient, but also he 0:13:07.600 --> 0:13:09.559 needs to step it up, so you'a gotta meet somewhere 0:13:09.559 --> 0:13:11.800 in the middle, and that has to be a conversation, 0:13:12.400 --> 0:13:15.120 you understand. I think you should check back in with 0:13:15.160 --> 0:13:17.400 me again because I'm gonna keep bothering you about it, 0:13:17.400 --> 0:13:19.720 because I like how you look at things, you know. 0:13:19.840 --> 0:13:23.120 I like it. And you could actually do classes for 0:13:23.240 --> 0:13:25.800 young women, you know, to teach them the worth and 0:13:25.840 --> 0:13:28.480 to teach them how to recognize real love and and 0:13:28.520 --> 0:13:30.920 why you don't throw it away and why you should 0:13:30.920 --> 0:13:33.080 work on it if it's worth working on. Because I 0:13:33.080 --> 0:13:36.520 think your relationship is very much worth the work. So 0:13:36.640 --> 0:13:38.840 check back in with me, girl, Hold up, Hold up, 0:13:38.880 --> 0:13:40.839 I know the ship getting good but listen to just 0:13:40.880 --> 0:13:42.920 a couple of seconds of a commercial. If you love me, 0:13:43.000 --> 0:13:48.920 you'll listen. And lastly, Hey, Jess, long story. I'm gonna 0:13:48.920 --> 0:13:51.920 try to make sure I need your advice on if 0:13:52.000 --> 0:13:55.160 I should walk away or try to make it work. Basically, 0:13:55.200 --> 0:13:57.680 me and my guy have been together for seven years. 0:13:57.840 --> 0:14:01.120 Of course, we have broken up multiple times throughout the years. 0:14:01.440 --> 0:14:05.960 Well recently we broke up February two right after Valentine's Day, 0:14:06.160 --> 0:14:09.360 and just recently started back talking. Two months ago. We 0:14:09.480 --> 0:14:11.880 broke up because all of the accusing and assuming and 0:14:11.920 --> 0:14:15.200 of course cheating. While after my grandmother died at the 0:14:15.320 --> 0:14:18.160 end of August, I started back talking to him. He 0:14:18.240 --> 0:14:21.560 was close to my family and would check in on me. Well, 0:14:21.600 --> 0:14:24.200 he's in a relationship with another girl, but still texting 0:14:24.240 --> 0:14:27.360 me and coming to see me when we're around each other. 0:14:27.440 --> 0:14:29.640 I missed that relationship we had and I don't want 0:14:29.680 --> 0:14:32.800 him to go, but I don't tell him. He tells 0:14:32.800 --> 0:14:34.640 me when I'm ready to be with him, he will 0:14:34.720 --> 0:14:38.000 leave her and come back. Problem is, I was just 0:14:38.080 --> 0:14:40.200 about to tell him I want to get back together 0:14:40.320 --> 0:14:43.560 until I found out she was pregnant. I'm so hurt 0:14:43.680 --> 0:14:46.760 because we've been together for years and don't have children. 0:14:47.120 --> 0:14:50.120 We were high school sweethearts. We promised to never have 0:14:50.320 --> 0:14:54.080 kids with anyone else, and now he is all. I 0:14:54.120 --> 0:14:56.160 can't be mad because he didn't cheat and bring a 0:14:56.200 --> 0:14:59.400 baby home we weren't together. The dilemma is we're only 0:14:59.400 --> 0:15:02.720 twenty five. Do I stay and help raise somebody else's 0:15:02.800 --> 0:15:05.560 kid because I truly love him? Or do I cut ties. 0:15:05.960 --> 0:15:08.600 I've tried dating other guys. I'll text and talk on 0:15:08.640 --> 0:15:11.400 the phone, but when it's time for the date, I 0:15:11.480 --> 0:15:14.960 get nervous and cancel or go ghost. Is it because 0:15:15.000 --> 0:15:20.720 he's my soul mate? Well, given that you, I believe 0:15:20.840 --> 0:15:23.240 that you're old enough to know what a soul mate is. 0:15:23.360 --> 0:15:26.240 I mean now, when I say that, I don't want 0:15:26.240 --> 0:15:28.400 you guys to think that I'm saying, oh, she's not 0:15:28.400 --> 0:15:30.320 old enough to know what love is. But no, when 0:15:30.320 --> 0:15:33.760 you're very, very very young and you've only dated one 0:15:33.800 --> 0:15:38.280 person your whole life, you're really only bounding yourself to 0:15:38.400 --> 0:15:41.800 one person. That's why I encourage young people to date, 0:15:41.880 --> 0:15:44.320 because you don't know what you want because you've only 0:15:44.400 --> 0:15:47.160 dated one type of person who's your age. And then 0:15:47.200 --> 0:15:49.920 there are people who have been with the same person 0:15:49.960 --> 0:15:53.720 since they were sixteen, you know. But usually those relationships 0:15:54.200 --> 0:15:56.480 end up with people cheating because they got together so 0:15:56.600 --> 0:15:58.960 young that they never got to date outside of just 0:15:59.040 --> 0:16:03.320 one person. But that's neither here there. I feel that 0:16:03.440 --> 0:16:06.400 you're comfortable saying that he's your soul mate, So maybe 0:16:06.400 --> 0:16:09.160 he is. You know, you said you talked to other guys, 0:16:09.480 --> 0:16:11.720 but you can't get him out of your mind. And 0:16:11.760 --> 0:16:15.480 you guys been together since high school, never had any kids. 0:16:15.480 --> 0:16:18.920 You guys broke up one time recently, just started dealing 0:16:18.920 --> 0:16:21.640 back with each other. He's cheating on his girlfriend with you. 0:16:21.680 --> 0:16:24.080 He had started dating someone else and he cheated on 0:16:24.120 --> 0:16:27.920 her with you. He misses you. Um, all right, now, 0:16:27.960 --> 0:16:30.240 I'm gonna say this, but I don't think that you're 0:16:30.320 --> 0:16:34.000 going to agree. He Maybe you're soul mate in your mind, 0:16:34.000 --> 0:16:37.040 but you're certainly not his. He can't say things like 0:16:37.840 --> 0:16:41.320 he'll leave her when you're ready to be back with him. 0:16:41.600 --> 0:16:44.280 That's not how that ship posts the work. If you 0:16:44.320 --> 0:16:46.520 were his soul mate, he wouldn't have to wait for 0:16:46.560 --> 0:16:50.640 you to say okay, we can be together for him 0:16:50.680 --> 0:16:53.760 to leave the girl. And now they got a baby, 0:16:53.800 --> 0:16:59.000 so their bonds absolutely bonded with a baby and that's 0:16:59.000 --> 0:17:01.280 a new baby. I'm a I mean, because all this 0:17:01.360 --> 0:17:04.679 is very recent you're talking of. I don't know. I 0:17:04.720 --> 0:17:06.439 think you need to think long and hard about this, 0:17:06.480 --> 0:17:09.439 because someone who you feel is your soul mate you 0:17:09.480 --> 0:17:12.560 may not be theirs. You know. I'm not saying he 0:17:12.600 --> 0:17:15.840 doesn't love you. I'm not saying he doesn't care. I'm 0:17:15.840 --> 0:17:17.400 not saying he doesn't even want to be with you. 0:17:17.520 --> 0:17:19.720 But he certainly wants to be there as well, or 0:17:19.760 --> 0:17:22.320 he would not be there. And it's certainly not all 0:17:22.359 --> 0:17:24.720 because of the baby. So we're just going to take 0:17:24.760 --> 0:17:27.360 it for what it is. We're gonna be honest with ourselves, 0:17:27.920 --> 0:17:30.800 and we're gonna take it very slow. I don't think 0:17:30.800 --> 0:17:33.040 that you should move in that direction and settle for 0:17:33.040 --> 0:17:35.240 being with him raising someone else's kid, No, I don't, 0:17:35.520 --> 0:17:37.359 or helping raid someone else's kid. I don't think you 0:17:37.400 --> 0:17:39.080 should do. I think you should try to move on 0:17:39.600 --> 0:17:42.960 and find another soul mate, because he may only be 0:17:43.359 --> 0:17:45.480 your soul mate as a friend. I think that's what 0:17:45.520 --> 0:17:47.840 people get miscoustry. Let me explain this real quick, and 0:17:47.840 --> 0:17:49.480 then I'm gonna end it on this note for you. 0:17:50.000 --> 0:17:52.040 So a soul mate doesn't have to be someone that 0:17:52.400 --> 0:17:54.960 you're intimate with. Your soul mating be your best friend. 0:17:55.160 --> 0:17:57.600 Your soul mate is just someone that you can't live without. 0:17:57.640 --> 0:18:00.879 That doesn't necessarily have to be your husband, doesn't necessarily 0:18:00.880 --> 0:18:03.960 have to be a boyfriend. A soul mate by Dictionary 0:18:03.960 --> 0:18:07.479 definition as a person ideally suited to another as a 0:18:07.480 --> 0:18:11.239 close friend or romantic partner, So it really doesn't have 0:18:11.359 --> 0:18:14.879 to be your man. Your soul mate can be your brother, 0:18:15.160 --> 0:18:17.800 you know, someone you can't live without. You know, a 0:18:17.880 --> 0:18:21.240 best friend, like I said, a good friend who understands you, 0:18:21.320 --> 0:18:23.760 knows you in and out, who, no matter what, will 0:18:23.800 --> 0:18:26.520 deceive you or leave you. You know, that can literally 0:18:26.520 --> 0:18:28.280 be a close friend that could be one of your girlfriends. 0:18:28.280 --> 0:18:30.920 You know what I'm saying. But that's why I said. 0:18:31.000 --> 0:18:33.879 He may well very be your soul mate in a 0:18:33.920 --> 0:18:37.000 close friends sense, but in a romantic sense, I don't 0:18:37.000 --> 0:18:38.720 think so. I think he still has a lot of 0:18:38.760 --> 0:18:41.480 growing up to do before he even realizes what that is. 0:18:42.000 --> 0:18:44.400 But the fact that he's still with her, and he's 0:18:44.440 --> 0:18:47.679 cheating on her with you but telling you he's not 0:18:47.680 --> 0:18:50.560 gonna leave her until you are seriously ready to get 0:18:50.640 --> 0:18:53.439 back with him. He's playing games now because now he 0:18:53.480 --> 0:18:56.200 has his cake and he's now eating it too. Let 0:18:56.200 --> 0:18:58.280 me ask you this, does the baby mother know that 0:18:58.359 --> 0:19:00.199 he's having sex with you and that you got are 0:19:00.240 --> 0:19:02.879 back in contact. If he was open and honest about 0:19:02.880 --> 0:19:07.000 everything with everyone, with each party, that would be different, 0:19:07.280 --> 0:19:10.560 because then you both have the chance to choose. You 0:19:10.600 --> 0:19:12.800 both have a choice then to say I'm gonna walk 0:19:12.800 --> 0:19:14.480 away from this or this is what I'm gonna allow. 0:19:14.960 --> 0:19:17.600 But you only know about her. She doesn't know about you. 0:19:17.960 --> 0:19:20.880 You're not moving right, you know, because say he does 0:19:20.960 --> 0:19:23.120 leave her and come back to you, she can then 0:19:23.560 --> 0:19:27.280 become you, and he'd be cheating on you with her 0:19:27.800 --> 0:19:31.040 because you're already allowing him to do so on her. 0:19:31.400 --> 0:19:33.680 You know. It's what you allow. It's not what men do. 0:19:33.760 --> 0:19:35.760 It's what we allow them to do, and they will 0:19:35.760 --> 0:19:39.080 only go as far as we let them go with us. 0:19:39.520 --> 0:19:42.560 So you're not really doing yourself a due diligence by 0:19:42.600 --> 0:19:45.879 accepting bits and pieces of them, because that's what you're getting. 0:19:46.160 --> 0:19:48.440 He has a family now, so I think that you 0:19:48.440 --> 0:19:51.199 should cut that off. You're young, you have no kids, 0:19:51.520 --> 0:19:53.359 and you got your whole life ahead of you. Baby. 0:19:53.520 --> 0:19:55.119 If you don't want to just be his friend and 0:19:55.280 --> 0:19:58.360