1 00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:03,119 Speaker 1: Welcome to Carefully Reckless, the production of Our Heart Radio 2 00:00:03,240 --> 00:00:15,960 Speaker 1: and the Black Effects, And just like that, we're back. 3 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:20,440 Speaker 1: Welcome yet another carefully Reckless session with your girl. Just hilarious. 4 00:00:20,600 --> 00:00:23,079 Speaker 1: We're gonna jump right into just fix my Mess. Just 5 00:00:23,320 --> 00:00:26,480 Speaker 1: please help me fix my mess. This one involves siblings. 6 00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:29,200 Speaker 1: I'm the oldest of my mom's three daughters. She just 7 00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:32,600 Speaker 1: recently passed in May. While I'm sorry, my father died 8 00:00:32,640 --> 00:00:35,559 Speaker 1: in December of twenty one, I'm sorry again, so it's 9 00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:38,360 Speaker 1: been overwhelming for all of us. I'm sure the middle 10 00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:41,760 Speaker 1: sister is grieving better than me and my younger sister, 11 00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:44,240 Speaker 1: and she feels like we should be going to therapy, 12 00:00:44,280 --> 00:00:46,680 Speaker 1: et cetera. If we're not doing what she believes is right, 13 00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:49,400 Speaker 1: then we're wrong. I texted her and let her know 14 00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:52,120 Speaker 1: how I was feeling about my mom. She texted back, 15 00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:55,240 Speaker 1: get help. Obviously I didn't get it through my skull 16 00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:57,920 Speaker 1: the first time, because I ended up venting to her 17 00:00:57,960 --> 00:01:00,720 Speaker 1: again with the same response. She does and understand why 18 00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:03,480 Speaker 1: I'm not ready for counseling, et cetera. She says, I'm 19 00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:05,840 Speaker 1: being selfish to my family because I won't seek help. 20 00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:08,600 Speaker 1: I feel like I'm doing damn good. I go to 21 00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:12,160 Speaker 1: work every day, I handle my business and everything. The 22 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:15,319 Speaker 1: process is slow, but I'm dealing with it Selfish to 23 00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:19,520 Speaker 1: me is if I would have unlived myself or disappeared 24 00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:22,039 Speaker 1: and went at my A. We have not been in 25 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:24,080 Speaker 1: contact with each other for about two weeks. I'm at 26 00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:25,880 Speaker 1: the point where I'm about to just let it be. 27 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:28,479 Speaker 1: I'm lost and don't know what to do or how 28 00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:31,120 Speaker 1: to feel. A part of me feels like saying fuck it. 29 00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:33,800 Speaker 1: Maybe I should stay in my own lane, help a 30 00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:37,679 Speaker 1: sister out. Just I wish to remain anonymous, and baby girl, 31 00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:41,280 Speaker 1: you will remain anonymous. So first and foremost, I do 32 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:44,360 Speaker 1: want to just give you my condolences, my deepest condolenns 33 00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:47,280 Speaker 1: for losing both of your parents, you know, a year apart. 34 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:49,920 Speaker 1: I'm very very sorry about that, not even a full 35 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:54,200 Speaker 1: year apart. I'm sorry about that. And your mom just 36 00:01:54,360 --> 00:01:57,200 Speaker 1: died this year, that was months ago, you know. So 37 00:01:57,360 --> 00:01:59,200 Speaker 1: your sister, I think needs to be a little bit 38 00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:03,040 Speaker 1: more patient with you. I'll just say, off the rip. However, 39 00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:05,240 Speaker 1: I believe she loves you and she just wants you 40 00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:08,240 Speaker 1: to get help because she sees that you need it. 41 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:12,640 Speaker 1: But in your defense, everybody handles grief differently. Your sister 42 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:16,040 Speaker 1: cannot expect for you to handle your mom's death like 43 00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:19,359 Speaker 1: she did. And then you didn't lose one parent, you 44 00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:22,600 Speaker 1: lost both. Now you didn't specify if that's both of 45 00:02:22,639 --> 00:02:24,959 Speaker 1: your dad or whatever, but I'm just gonna say that, 46 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:28,680 Speaker 1: you know, until you clarify that it isn't. Y'all just 47 00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:31,960 Speaker 1: lost your dad as well. Next month would make a 48 00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:34,960 Speaker 1: year that your dad has been gone. Your mom just 49 00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:40,280 Speaker 1: passed months ago. Now I'm sorry, however they died or 50 00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:44,680 Speaker 1: you know, it's still factual that they're never coming back, 51 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:49,040 Speaker 1: So you may have a hard time processing just knowing 52 00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:51,680 Speaker 1: that you'll never be able to speak to either one 53 00:02:51,720 --> 00:02:54,040 Speaker 1: of them again, and it's hard for you. And then 54 00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:58,280 Speaker 1: one death after the other that can take a huge toll, 55 00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:01,880 Speaker 1: a long term toll on someone. Now, I wouldn't just 56 00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:05,720 Speaker 1: shun the idea of getting counseling and therapy, because I 57 00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:08,560 Speaker 1: do think you needed. I know a number of folks 58 00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:13,320 Speaker 1: who parents have passed that wish they actually got help younger, 59 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:16,360 Speaker 1: like my son's dad. He still says it, You know, 60 00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:18,520 Speaker 1: I should have gotten help. Somebody should have taken me 61 00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:20,760 Speaker 1: and gotten me help. He found his mother dead when 62 00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:24,919 Speaker 1: he was ten years old. Fortunately for you, you were 63 00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,920 Speaker 1: an adult. You know, you got to live out your 64 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:30,360 Speaker 1: childhood with your mother and your father. He did not. 65 00:03:30,639 --> 00:03:33,880 Speaker 1: But even still it hurts. My mother lost her mother, 66 00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:36,480 Speaker 1: my grandmother as an adult as well. I was in 67 00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:39,920 Speaker 1: middle school and she had to get therapy. It doesn't 68 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:42,800 Speaker 1: matter when you lose a parent at any time in 69 00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:45,200 Speaker 1: your life. It's worse as a child because you're not 70 00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:48,120 Speaker 1: grown yet, so then now it's like, who's gonna raise me? 71 00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:52,120 Speaker 1: But the fact that you lived your full kid life 72 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:55,520 Speaker 1: and she left you as an adult, that still doesn't help, 73 00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:57,960 Speaker 1: because I know you depended on her for so many things, 74 00:03:58,360 --> 00:04:00,880 Speaker 1: and you probably were the closest to your mom. There 75 00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:03,480 Speaker 1: are a bunch of different variables that goes into this, however, 76 00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:09,160 Speaker 1: the main one stands everybody grieves differently, give it more time. 77 00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:11,920 Speaker 1: I don't think you should say fuck it with your sister. 78 00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:14,800 Speaker 1: I think that she's very blunt and straightforward, and I 79 00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:17,200 Speaker 1: think that that may be an issue for you too, 80 00:04:17,279 --> 00:04:22,320 Speaker 1: that she's not really a pacifying person when it comes 81 00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:25,560 Speaker 1: to these type of things per se. But trust me, 82 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:27,960 Speaker 1: she's dealing with it in her way as well. She 83 00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:31,920 Speaker 1: probably has her nights and her days that are just unbearable, 84 00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:34,839 Speaker 1: but she handles it differently. She probably doesn't wear it 85 00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:38,000 Speaker 1: on her sleeve, but you never know how she's feeling. 86 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:40,240 Speaker 1: You haven't talked to her in two weeks. You guys 87 00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:44,640 Speaker 1: lost both of your parents. I find it quite hard 88 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:48,599 Speaker 1: to believe that you would just say fuck it, because 89 00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:52,320 Speaker 1: you need both of your sisters right now. Whether they're 90 00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:56,000 Speaker 1: on different levels of grief or not, you all need 91 00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:59,159 Speaker 1: each other, all three of you. She's just trying to 92 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:02,320 Speaker 1: make sure that you do get the help that you need. Now. 93 00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:05,680 Speaker 1: You pointed out to me that you still go to work, 94 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:07,920 Speaker 1: you handle your business, but at the end of the day, 95 00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:10,560 Speaker 1: none of that matters. If you're still broken, you can 96 00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:13,960 Speaker 1: fall into a deep depression. You can become suicidal. That 97 00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:16,560 Speaker 1: is what I think your sister is scared of. Without 98 00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:20,320 Speaker 1: actually going there to actually say it, I think that 99 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,680 Speaker 1: that what she That is what she may be scared of. 100 00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:25,360 Speaker 1: You know, she may be afraid that you may get 101 00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:28,880 Speaker 1: so down that you may have suicidal thoughts, or it 102 00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:32,039 Speaker 1: may start deteriorating your health, or you know, drive you 103 00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:35,960 Speaker 1: mentally insane. You lost two of the people that birthew 104 00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:39,200 Speaker 1: the two people that are the reason that you're even existing, 105 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:43,840 Speaker 1: God being first. But they made you, you understand, God 106 00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:46,520 Speaker 1: made them to make you. I don't know if you're religious, 107 00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:49,640 Speaker 1: you know, not trying to impose or conform you in 108 00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:52,120 Speaker 1: any way, but I'm just saying, take you one day 109 00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:54,560 Speaker 1: at a time, but never lose contact with your sister. 110 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:57,200 Speaker 1: You said that your sister called you selfish. I will 111 00:05:57,240 --> 00:06:00,440 Speaker 1: not say that you are selfish. You know, you're just 112 00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:03,640 Speaker 1: not as quick to come around yet. But trust and 113 00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:05,839 Speaker 1: believe she loves you and she wants to look out 114 00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:08,680 Speaker 1: for you as best as she can. And if getting 115 00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:11,039 Speaker 1: help is the only way that she knows how to 116 00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:14,320 Speaker 1: relay that message to you or to console you, then 117 00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:17,599 Speaker 1: you just have to understand her. Just like you want 118 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:20,600 Speaker 1: her to understand you. You have to understand her as well. 119 00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:23,360 Speaker 1: Don't lose contact because you guys need each other. Like 120 00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:25,240 Speaker 1: I said, check back in with me and I will 121 00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:28,320 Speaker 1: keep you in my prayers. Baby, Thank you, that's so sad. 122 00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:31,760 Speaker 1: If you love me, you'll listen to this commercial and 123 00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:36,280 Speaker 1: then we'll be right back. Okay, moving on now, this 124 00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:39,279 Speaker 1: one is an update. Hi jasked, Oh my God, thanks 125 00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:41,479 Speaker 1: for reading my mess I definitely had to check back 126 00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:44,480 Speaker 1: in and actually ask a question. I have been digging 127 00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:47,360 Speaker 1: deep lately. As I said initially, my relationship is one 128 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:50,360 Speaker 1: year old. I am truly happy with him. He knows 129 00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:53,159 Speaker 1: how to treat a woman. I will say, but girl, 130 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:55,640 Speaker 1: I have seen and been through enough, and now I'm 131 00:06:55,720 --> 00:06:59,279 Speaker 1: on this journey of discovering me understanding that we're all 132 00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:02,040 Speaker 1: unique in my main focus needs to be on what 133 00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:04,880 Speaker 1: I need as a grown ass woman. When I figured 134 00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:08,480 Speaker 1: out my worth, I started moving differently. Now he approached me, 135 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:11,720 Speaker 1: of course, and like I stayed it before, I tried 136 00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:14,440 Speaker 1: not to be materialistic, because a man can be rich 137 00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:17,440 Speaker 1: and stable and also beat me and treat me like ship. 138 00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:20,080 Speaker 1: This is how I came to the conclusion of the 139 00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:24,120 Speaker 1: black man's mentality. I say black because I date black men, 140 00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:27,920 Speaker 1: not to offend any other race. Now I'm finding my 141 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:31,000 Speaker 1: man's mentality is a major issue for me and could 142 00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:32,800 Speaker 1: be the only reason we might not make it. We 143 00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:35,360 Speaker 1: have fun together. He treats me well, and I'm happy, yes, 144 00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:38,600 Speaker 1: but I can't bypass everything else I need in a man. 145 00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:42,120 Speaker 1: Because I'm happy, I am learning I need more than that. 146 00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:45,240 Speaker 1: I'm far from desperate. I already have a kid. I 147 00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:47,720 Speaker 1: don't need a man for stability. I need a man 148 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:51,160 Speaker 1: for companionship and partnership. I don't need my man to 149 00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:53,720 Speaker 1: have tons of money, but have tons of ideas about 150 00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:57,000 Speaker 1: how you can get your money up. Lord, that was 151 00:07:57,000 --> 00:08:00,320 Speaker 1: a word I think bigger than doing a legal ship 152 00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:03,880 Speaker 1: like Jesus Sell cars Sell We've if you want to 153 00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:08,160 Speaker 1: motherfucking get into sail so badly like sank my brothers. 154 00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:11,520 Speaker 1: My man over here making me happy? Sure, but do 155 00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:14,480 Speaker 1: he make me dinner lunch? Are these niggas making our 156 00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:17,560 Speaker 1: lives easier? Okay, bear with me while I get to 157 00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:21,240 Speaker 1: this question. Honey, I feel him and I should be 158 00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:24,000 Speaker 1: on more of the next level. He did ask about 159 00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:26,440 Speaker 1: us moving together, yet we ain't even had a three 160 00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:30,280 Speaker 1: day weekend together, been grocery shopping together like real life ship. 161 00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:33,320 Speaker 1: I know we have great potential as a couple, but 162 00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:35,360 Speaker 1: I am beginning to wonder if he is truly on 163 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:38,560 Speaker 1: my level. Example, I had an old boo that would 164 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:41,400 Speaker 1: take my dirty clothes to a laundry service, even though 165 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:44,079 Speaker 1: he ended up being a liar and a cheater, it 166 00:08:44,120 --> 00:08:47,720 Speaker 1: was the mentality for me. I didn't ask him for that, 167 00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:50,640 Speaker 1: he just offered because he saw that ship would help me. 168 00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:53,640 Speaker 1: That's where I need my man's head. Damn, girl, you're 169 00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:56,040 Speaker 1: a single mom working hard as hell. Let me help 170 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:58,760 Speaker 1: you with life tasks. My man wants to take me 171 00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:01,640 Speaker 1: out to fulfill his knee and we have fun. But girl, 172 00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:04,439 Speaker 1: he planned ship that he wants to do. He has 173 00:09:04,480 --> 00:09:07,000 Speaker 1: secured him a bit, which is me, so that now 174 00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:09,360 Speaker 1: he ain't got to be alone. Is the vibe I'm getting. 175 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:11,840 Speaker 1: But seriously, I don't have one question. I have a 176 00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:15,000 Speaker 1: thousand questions. How do couples begin to take that next 177 00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:18,960 Speaker 1: step in growing the relationship without rushing and without being pressured. 178 00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:21,120 Speaker 1: I don't want to nag him or make him feel bad, 179 00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:24,440 Speaker 1: but I'm also not settling in certain things. I just 180 00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:28,600 Speaker 1: don't have a nice way of saying, Okay, girl, listen. 181 00:09:28,920 --> 00:09:30,920 Speaker 1: So this is my girl. I do remember her. She 182 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:32,680 Speaker 1: was the one that dropped all of gems about the 183 00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:35,200 Speaker 1: questions that she had about men. She was like, why 184 00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:37,559 Speaker 1: is everybody mentality is just to be a thug or 185 00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:40,880 Speaker 1: damn you know hustler and ship? Where are the real 186 00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:46,000 Speaker 1: rail rail thinking men out here? I think in order 187 00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:50,240 Speaker 1: to grow your relationship with someone, I think that that 188 00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:54,120 Speaker 1: starts with communication. I know that you say you don't 189 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:57,280 Speaker 1: say things nicely all the time, but I still think 190 00:09:57,360 --> 00:09:59,640 Speaker 1: that sometimes you have to be a little blunt. You 191 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:01,800 Speaker 1: have to be straightforward, and you can do so without 192 00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:04,480 Speaker 1: being rude. You can do so without being a bit 193 00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:08,839 Speaker 1: or without sounding like you're nagging someone, because no man 194 00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:12,760 Speaker 1: really wants to hear that anyway, And honestly, they're human beings, 195 00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:14,240 Speaker 1: just like we're human beings. We don't like to be 196 00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:15,880 Speaker 1: talked to you like that. You know, I don't believe 197 00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:17,520 Speaker 1: that a woman should talk to a man that way. 198 00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:19,920 Speaker 1: I've actually done that, and I don't like the way 199 00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:22,920 Speaker 1: I made men feel in the past, talking to them 200 00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:25,680 Speaker 1: as if they were boys instead of men. So we're 201 00:10:25,679 --> 00:10:28,680 Speaker 1: just gonna keep the respect level. However, you do have 202 00:10:28,679 --> 00:10:31,120 Speaker 1: a lot of valid points, and you are well deserved 203 00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:34,160 Speaker 1: of that drive. I can tell by how you speak 204 00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:36,360 Speaker 1: you have a lot going for yourself and you don't 205 00:10:36,559 --> 00:10:38,920 Speaker 1: want to just settle for anything because you're very sure 206 00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:41,440 Speaker 1: of yourself. You know your worth. What I think it 207 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:44,520 Speaker 1: is is that a lot of men don't know theirs. 208 00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:46,360 Speaker 1: And when I say that, they don't know they're worth 209 00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:49,920 Speaker 1: in a sense of what they're capable of doing. A 210 00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:52,880 Speaker 1: lot of people just subject themselves to certain things because 211 00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:55,600 Speaker 1: of what's around them and their living environment and how 212 00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:57,880 Speaker 1: they grew up, and and they think that they're bound 213 00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:01,640 Speaker 1: to these chains and you know, to the cycles that 214 00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:04,400 Speaker 1: can easily be broken. All you have to do is 215 00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:06,560 Speaker 1: change it for yourself. You can put your mind to 216 00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:08,600 Speaker 1: that ship and you can do anything. And that sounds 217 00:11:08,679 --> 00:11:10,760 Speaker 1: very cliche. I know we heard that growing up. You 218 00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:12,280 Speaker 1: can do anything that you put your mind to. That 219 00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:15,760 Speaker 1: is a true, goddamn statement. It's very true, and it's 220 00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:18,440 Speaker 1: nothing to play with. It is I put my mind 221 00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:21,360 Speaker 1: to do everything I'm doing now, and I'm putting my 222 00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:23,880 Speaker 1: mind to do everything I'm gonna do in the future. 223 00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:25,960 Speaker 1: This is not where I stop. I'm never gonna be 224 00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:29,040 Speaker 1: comfortable where I am because I know there's always somewhere 225 00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:32,480 Speaker 1: else to be, somewhere greater. So I think that he 226 00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:35,720 Speaker 1: doesn't know his worth. Now this is the question, because 227 00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:37,800 Speaker 1: I love how you saying all this ship, but in 228 00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:40,640 Speaker 1: the same breath you still are claiming him. I love 229 00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:43,160 Speaker 1: that That means that you are willing to fix whatever 230 00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:46,400 Speaker 1: you guys are going through at the moment. I believe that. 231 00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:49,440 Speaker 1: Correct me. If I'm wrong, because girl, you are my man, 232 00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:52,320 Speaker 1: my man, my man, every other sentence, and I love it. 233 00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:55,079 Speaker 1: But there are issues that you, guys, need to fix 234 00:11:55,559 --> 00:11:57,400 Speaker 1: before you take it to the next level. I think 235 00:11:57,440 --> 00:11:59,240 Speaker 1: you need to set him down and have a conversation 236 00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:02,200 Speaker 1: with him like you're his mother, but like you are, 237 00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:05,160 Speaker 1: really a concerned companion. Like you said, you don't need 238 00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:07,160 Speaker 1: a man for stability. I love how you put it. 239 00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:10,800 Speaker 1: You need a man for companionship and partnership. You already 240 00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:12,400 Speaker 1: have a child, you already have things that you have 241 00:12:12,559 --> 00:12:15,520 Speaker 1: established on your own. You're just ready to now settle 242 00:12:15,559 --> 00:12:19,040 Speaker 1: down and love and be loved. And he treats you 243 00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:21,040 Speaker 1: good and all that, and you're happy, but you're saying 244 00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:23,720 Speaker 1: happy is not enough. Okay, Well, you need to tell 245 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:26,480 Speaker 1: him what that looks like, and he needs to tell you. 246 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:28,559 Speaker 1: And if he's not the type to just tell you, 247 00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:30,560 Speaker 1: ask him, what do you want from me? Where do 248 00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:32,640 Speaker 1: you see us? What do you think you should do? 249 00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:34,760 Speaker 1: You should tell him. You don't have to bring up 250 00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:37,000 Speaker 1: the fact that your ex took your laundry to a 251 00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:40,480 Speaker 1: laundry service, but you can actually tell him what you want. 252 00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:43,360 Speaker 1: Sometimes you have to do that. Ladies. Guys don't read 253 00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:45,720 Speaker 1: our minds. They can't read our minds half the time, 254 00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:48,480 Speaker 1: they don't even have anything in their goddamn minds. They 255 00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:52,040 Speaker 1: can't read our minds. You can teach him and listen, 256 00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:54,760 Speaker 1: I bet you, because he's not all bad, or you 257 00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:56,400 Speaker 1: wouldn't be with him. The type of woman that I 258 00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:58,120 Speaker 1: think you are, You are not about to sit there 259 00:12:58,280 --> 00:13:01,360 Speaker 1: and be with no goddamn loser, okay, or anybody less 260 00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:04,440 Speaker 1: than what you require. All right. I think you need 261 00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:07,480 Speaker 1: to be a little bit more patient, but also he 262 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,559 Speaker 1: needs to step it up, so you'a gotta meet somewhere 263 00:13:09,559 --> 00:13:11,800 Speaker 1: in the middle, and that has to be a conversation, 264 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:15,120 Speaker 1: you understand. I think you should check back in with 265 00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:17,400 Speaker 1: me again because I'm gonna keep bothering you about it, 266 00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:19,720 Speaker 1: because I like how you look at things, you know. 267 00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:23,120 Speaker 1: I like it. And you could actually do classes for 268 00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:25,800 Speaker 1: young women, you know, to teach them the worth and 269 00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:28,480 Speaker 1: to teach them how to recognize real love and and 270 00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:30,920 Speaker 1: why you don't throw it away and why you should 271 00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:33,080 Speaker 1: work on it if it's worth working on. Because I 272 00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:36,520 Speaker 1: think your relationship is very much worth the work. So 273 00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:38,840 Speaker 1: check back in with me, girl, Hold up, Hold up, 274 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:40,839 Speaker 1: I know the ship getting good but listen to just 275 00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:42,920 Speaker 1: a couple of seconds of a commercial. If you love me, 276 00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:48,920 Speaker 1: you'll listen. And lastly, Hey, Jess, long story. I'm gonna 277 00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:51,920 Speaker 1: try to make sure I need your advice on if 278 00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:55,160 Speaker 1: I should walk away or try to make it work. Basically, 279 00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:57,680 Speaker 1: me and my guy have been together for seven years. 280 00:13:57,840 --> 00:14:01,120 Speaker 1: Of course, we have broken up multiple times throughout the years. 281 00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:05,960 Speaker 1: Well recently we broke up February two right after Valentine's Day, 282 00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:09,360 Speaker 1: and just recently started back talking. Two months ago. We 283 00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:11,880 Speaker 1: broke up because all of the accusing and assuming and 284 00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:15,200 Speaker 1: of course cheating. While after my grandmother died at the 285 00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:18,160 Speaker 1: end of August, I started back talking to him. He 286 00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:21,560 Speaker 1: was close to my family and would check in on me. Well, 287 00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:24,200 Speaker 1: he's in a relationship with another girl, but still texting 288 00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:27,360 Speaker 1: me and coming to see me when we're around each other. 289 00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:29,640 Speaker 1: I missed that relationship we had and I don't want 290 00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:32,800 Speaker 1: him to go, but I don't tell him. He tells 291 00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:34,640 Speaker 1: me when I'm ready to be with him, he will 292 00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:38,000 Speaker 1: leave her and come back. Problem is, I was just 293 00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:40,200 Speaker 1: about to tell him I want to get back together 294 00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:43,560 Speaker 1: until I found out she was pregnant. I'm so hurt 295 00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:46,760 Speaker 1: because we've been together for years and don't have children. 296 00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:50,120 Speaker 1: We were high school sweethearts. We promised to never have 297 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:54,080 Speaker 1: kids with anyone else, and now he is all. I 298 00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:56,160 Speaker 1: can't be mad because he didn't cheat and bring a 299 00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:59,400 Speaker 1: baby home we weren't together. The dilemma is we're only 300 00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:02,720 Speaker 1: twenty five. Do I stay and help raise somebody else's 301 00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:05,560 Speaker 1: kid because I truly love him? Or do I cut ties. 302 00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:08,600 Speaker 1: I've tried dating other guys. I'll text and talk on 303 00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:11,400 Speaker 1: the phone, but when it's time for the date, I 304 00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:14,960 Speaker 1: get nervous and cancel or go ghost. Is it because 305 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:20,720 Speaker 1: he's my soul mate? Well, given that you, I believe 306 00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:23,240 Speaker 1: that you're old enough to know what a soul mate is. 307 00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:26,240 Speaker 1: I mean now, when I say that, I don't want 308 00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:28,400 Speaker 1: you guys to think that I'm saying, oh, she's not 309 00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:30,320 Speaker 1: old enough to know what love is. But no, when 310 00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:33,760 Speaker 1: you're very, very very young and you've only dated one 311 00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:38,280 Speaker 1: person your whole life, you're really only bounding yourself to 312 00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:41,800 Speaker 1: one person. That's why I encourage young people to date, 313 00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:44,320 Speaker 1: because you don't know what you want because you've only 314 00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:47,160 Speaker 1: dated one type of person who's your age. And then 315 00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:49,920 Speaker 1: there are people who have been with the same person 316 00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:53,720 Speaker 1: since they were sixteen, you know. But usually those relationships 317 00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:56,480 Speaker 1: end up with people cheating because they got together so 318 00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:58,960 Speaker 1: young that they never got to date outside of just 319 00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:03,320 Speaker 1: one person. But that's neither here there. I feel that 320 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:06,400 Speaker 1: you're comfortable saying that he's your soul mate, So maybe 321 00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:09,160 Speaker 1: he is. You know, you said you talked to other guys, 322 00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:11,720 Speaker 1: but you can't get him out of your mind. And 323 00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:15,480 Speaker 1: you guys been together since high school, never had any kids. 324 00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:18,920 Speaker 1: You guys broke up one time recently, just started dealing 325 00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:21,640 Speaker 1: back with each other. He's cheating on his girlfriend with you. 326 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:24,080 Speaker 1: He had started dating someone else and he cheated on 327 00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:27,920 Speaker 1: her with you. He misses you. Um, all right, now, 328 00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:30,240 Speaker 1: I'm gonna say this, but I don't think that you're 329 00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:34,000 Speaker 1: going to agree. He Maybe you're soul mate in your mind, 330 00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:37,040 Speaker 1: but you're certainly not his. He can't say things like 331 00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:41,320 Speaker 1: he'll leave her when you're ready to be back with him. 332 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:44,280 Speaker 1: That's not how that ship posts the work. If you 333 00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:46,520 Speaker 1: were his soul mate, he wouldn't have to wait for 334 00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:50,640 Speaker 1: you to say okay, we can be together for him 335 00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:53,760 Speaker 1: to leave the girl. And now they got a baby, 336 00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:59,000 Speaker 1: so their bonds absolutely bonded with a baby and that's 337 00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:01,280 Speaker 1: a new baby. I'm a I mean, because all this 338 00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:04,679 Speaker 1: is very recent you're talking of. I don't know. I 339 00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:06,439 Speaker 1: think you need to think long and hard about this, 340 00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:09,439 Speaker 1: because someone who you feel is your soul mate you 341 00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:12,560 Speaker 1: may not be theirs. You know. I'm not saying he 342 00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:15,840 Speaker 1: doesn't love you. I'm not saying he doesn't care. I'm 343 00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:17,400 Speaker 1: not saying he doesn't even want to be with you. 344 00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:19,720 Speaker 1: But he certainly wants to be there as well, or 345 00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:22,320 Speaker 1: he would not be there. And it's certainly not all 346 00:17:22,359 --> 00:17:24,720 Speaker 1: because of the baby. So we're just going to take 347 00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:27,360 Speaker 1: it for what it is. We're gonna be honest with ourselves, 348 00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:30,800 Speaker 1: and we're gonna take it very slow. I don't think 349 00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:33,040 Speaker 1: that you should move in that direction and settle for 350 00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:35,240 Speaker 1: being with him raising someone else's kid, No, I don't, 351 00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:37,359 Speaker 1: or helping raid someone else's kid. I don't think you 352 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,080 Speaker 1: should do. I think you should try to move on 353 00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:42,960 Speaker 1: and find another soul mate, because he may only be 354 00:17:43,359 --> 00:17:45,480 Speaker 1: your soul mate as a friend. I think that's what 355 00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:47,840 Speaker 1: people get miscoustry. Let me explain this real quick, and 356 00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:49,480 Speaker 1: then I'm gonna end it on this note for you. 357 00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:52,040 Speaker 1: So a soul mate doesn't have to be someone that 358 00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:54,960 Speaker 1: you're intimate with. Your soul mating be your best friend. 359 00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:57,600 Speaker 1: Your soul mate is just someone that you can't live without. 360 00:17:57,640 --> 00:18:00,879 Speaker 1: That doesn't necessarily have to be your husband, doesn't necessarily 361 00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:03,960 Speaker 1: have to be a boyfriend. A soul mate by Dictionary 362 00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:07,479 Speaker 1: definition as a person ideally suited to another as a 363 00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:11,239 Speaker 1: close friend or romantic partner, So it really doesn't have 364 00:18:11,359 --> 00:18:14,879 Speaker 1: to be your man. Your soul mate can be your brother, 365 00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:17,800 Speaker 1: you know, someone you can't live without. You know, a 366 00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:21,240 Speaker 1: best friend, like I said, a good friend who understands you, 367 00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:23,760 Speaker 1: knows you in and out, who, no matter what, will 368 00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:26,520 Speaker 1: deceive you or leave you. You know, that can literally 369 00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:28,280 Speaker 1: be a close friend that could be one of your girlfriends. 370 00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:30,920 Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. But that's why I said. 371 00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:33,879 Speaker 1: He may well very be your soul mate in a 372 00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:37,000 Speaker 1: close friends sense, but in a romantic sense, I don't 373 00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:38,720 Speaker 1: think so. I think he still has a lot of 374 00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:41,480 Speaker 1: growing up to do before he even realizes what that is. 375 00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,400 Speaker 1: But the fact that he's still with her, and he's 376 00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:47,679 Speaker 1: cheating on her with you but telling you he's not 377 00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:50,560 Speaker 1: gonna leave her until you are seriously ready to get 378 00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:53,439 Speaker 1: back with him. He's playing games now because now he 379 00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:56,200 Speaker 1: has his cake and he's now eating it too. Let 380 00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:58,280 Speaker 1: me ask you this, does the baby mother know that 381 00:18:58,359 --> 00:19:00,199 Speaker 1: he's having sex with you and that you got are 382 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,879 Speaker 1: back in contact. If he was open and honest about 383 00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:07,000 Speaker 1: everything with everyone, with each party, that would be different, 384 00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:10,560 Speaker 1: because then you both have the chance to choose. You 385 00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:12,800 Speaker 1: both have a choice then to say I'm gonna walk 386 00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:14,480 Speaker 1: away from this or this is what I'm gonna allow. 387 00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:17,600 Speaker 1: But you only know about her. She doesn't know about you. 388 00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:20,880 Speaker 1: You're not moving right, you know, because say he does 389 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:23,120 Speaker 1: leave her and come back to you, she can then 390 00:19:23,560 --> 00:19:27,280 Speaker 1: become you, and he'd be cheating on you with her 391 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:31,040 Speaker 1: because you're already allowing him to do so on her. 392 00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:33,680 Speaker 1: You know. It's what you allow. It's not what men do. 393 00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:35,760 Speaker 1: It's what we allow them to do, and they will 394 00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:39,080 Speaker 1: only go as far as we let them go with us. 395 00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:42,560 Speaker 1: So you're not really doing yourself a due diligence by 396 00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:45,879 Speaker 1: accepting bits and pieces of them, because that's what you're getting. 397 00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:48,440 Speaker 1: He has a family now, so I think that you 398 00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:51,199 Speaker 1: should cut that off. You're young, you have no kids, 399 00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:53,359 Speaker 1: and you got your whole life ahead of you. Baby. 400 00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:55,119 Speaker 1: If you don't want to just be his friend and 401 00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:58,360 Speaker 1: step back and weigh all your options. I can't tell 402 00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:00,760 Speaker 1: you what to do, but you add for me to 403 00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:03,719 Speaker 1: fix your mess, and that is what I'm telling you 404 00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:06,359 Speaker 1: to do. Fix it because it's very messy and it 405 00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:09,080 Speaker 1: can get messier. And just like that, we've come to 406 00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:13,080 Speaker 1: get another end of the segment, Just fix My Mess 407 00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:16,520 Speaker 1: on Carefully Reckless podcast. I love all of you guys. 408 00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:19,880 Speaker 1: I really really enjoy this. This is very therapeutic for 409 00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:23,200 Speaker 1: me as I'm not doing the best in my relationship 410 00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:25,160 Speaker 1: right now. I don't know if I'm in a relationship 411 00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:28,439 Speaker 1: or not just so, or if I ever will be again. 412 00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:31,440 Speaker 1: Y'all ship, So, y'all pray for me while I continue 413 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:33,960 Speaker 1: to fix you'll mess and each and every week, tune 414 00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:37,080 Speaker 1: into Reckless Discussions that lives on YouTube and YouTube only, 415 00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:39,879 Speaker 1: and also tune into Carefully Reckless and then my deepest 416 00:20:39,880 --> 00:21:55,120 Speaker 1: pamploids Peace Can'tfully Reckless is a production of I Heart 417 00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:58,159 Speaker 1: Radio and The Black Effect. For more podcasts from I 418 00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:01,600 Speaker 1: Heart Radio, visit the I Heart radi your app, Apple podcast, 419 00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:03,879 Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.