1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:02,320 Speaker 1: Am I the a hole for not explicitly telling my 2 00:00:02,360 --> 00:00:05,400 Speaker 1: grandpa I'm married to another woman? And this is all 3 00:00:05,480 --> 00:00:08,280 Speaker 1: answering the question when is it necessary to share a secret. 4 00:00:08,320 --> 00:00:11,480 Speaker 1: This first story comes from Scat and Springer, and they say, 5 00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:14,560 Speaker 1: my wife and I are both women in our late twenties. 6 00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:16,720 Speaker 1: We've been together for four years and got married this 7 00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:19,959 Speaker 1: summer after getting engaged in the spring. Due to restrictions 8 00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:22,960 Speaker 1: and personal preferences, we did a courthouse wedding with each other, 9 00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:25,960 Speaker 1: with each of our sisters as our maids of honor. 10 00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:28,319 Speaker 1: It was a relatively simple affair, and my wife and 11 00:00:28,360 --> 00:00:30,760 Speaker 1: I are pleased with how low key it was. Before 12 00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:32,920 Speaker 1: we got married, I was not out to my extended 13 00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:35,360 Speaker 1: family member. I was very close with my grandma and 14 00:00:35,520 --> 00:00:38,839 Speaker 1: was afraid of how she might react. Sadly, she passed 15 00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:41,839 Speaker 1: away shortly before our wedding, so she never got to 16 00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:44,120 Speaker 1: know that my wife was more than a friend. I'm 17 00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:46,080 Speaker 1: not very close to my grandpa, but I do try 18 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:47,760 Speaker 1: to call him once a week to chit chat. He's 19 00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:51,159 Speaker 1: very reserved and soft spoken, so our compos are typically 20 00:00:51,280 --> 00:00:53,680 Speaker 1: five minutes of fluff about work and the weather. I 21 00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:56,680 Speaker 1: had introduced my wife to my grandparents. They met her 22 00:00:56,800 --> 00:00:59,680 Speaker 1: a few times before my grandma passed away. They only 23 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:02,560 Speaker 1: knew her as my roommate slash friend, as I wasn't 24 00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:04,240 Speaker 1: out at the time, But I would tell my grandma 25 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:06,680 Speaker 1: about fun things we did together, and honestly, I think 26 00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:09,240 Speaker 1: she might have known that we were a couple in retrospect. 27 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:11,800 Speaker 1: Grandpa probably didn't pick up on it because I'm not 28 00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:14,520 Speaker 1: nearly as close to him as I was with her. 29 00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:16,920 Speaker 1: So when we visited, he would say hi and chat 30 00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:18,800 Speaker 1: with us for a little bit before going into his 31 00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:21,680 Speaker 1: workshop while we stayed with my grandma in the house. 32 00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:23,679 Speaker 1: I love Grandpa's in the workshop. It's just like a 33 00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:27,800 Speaker 1: fun idea, like what are they working on? What are 34 00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:30,040 Speaker 1: they working on? The Grandpa's in the workshop, He's. 35 00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:32,959 Speaker 2: Working on something. We didn't read any of that on 36 00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:35,640 Speaker 2: double Chat, any of what Sarahadov said. We read the 37 00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:37,760 Speaker 2: entire last episode before we did it. 38 00:01:37,959 --> 00:01:40,479 Speaker 1: I do not remember that would read. 39 00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:43,440 Speaker 2: Similar stories because Reddit is similar, but we haven't read 40 00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:43,760 Speaker 2: any of that. 41 00:01:43,959 --> 00:01:44,720 Speaker 1: I don't remember it. 42 00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:46,760 Speaker 2: I promise you. I double checked all of them. So 43 00:01:46,959 --> 00:01:48,800 Speaker 2: only when we had read before was the twin Story. 44 00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:51,320 Speaker 1: Now, after the wedding, I decided I couldn't hide who 45 00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:54,280 Speaker 1: I was any longer and posted our wedding pics to 46 00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:56,840 Speaker 1: social media, saying that we had gotten married and I 47 00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:59,080 Speaker 1: was happy to spend the rest of my life with 48 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:01,840 Speaker 1: the woman I love. Many of my extended family reached 49 00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:05,240 Speaker 1: out to congratulate us, and the overall response was very positive. 50 00:02:05,240 --> 00:02:07,960 Speaker 1: For Christmas, we sent out Christmas cards to all my 51 00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:11,200 Speaker 1: relatives with our engagement and wedding. Fast forward to last week, 52 00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:14,000 Speaker 1: my parents' siblings, wife and I stopped by to visit 53 00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:17,560 Speaker 1: my grandpa in exchange presence with MASc on. When we 54 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:21,280 Speaker 1: got to his house, I said, Grandpa, you remember wife's name? 55 00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:23,760 Speaker 1: And he said hi and asked about her parents. That 56 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:24,079 Speaker 1: was that? 57 00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:26,040 Speaker 2: Did you read that after the wedding of mine? Crazy? Uh? 58 00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:26,520 Speaker 1: Yeah I did? 59 00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:27,080 Speaker 2: Okay, sorry? 60 00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:29,239 Speaker 1: Yeah. So everyone was sitting in a circle around the 61 00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:31,200 Speaker 1: living room. I was sitting next to my wife on 62 00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:33,440 Speaker 1: the couch with my arm on the back of the 63 00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:37,040 Speaker 1: couch around her while we went around and everyone opened presence. 64 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:39,320 Speaker 1: I got a cookbook my grandma had picked out for 65 00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:41,600 Speaker 1: me before she passed, and I started a tear out. 66 00:02:41,639 --> 00:02:44,240 Speaker 1: My wife held my hand for a while to comfort me. 67 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:46,600 Speaker 1: That's cute. The next day, my mom reached out, saying 68 00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:49,520 Speaker 1: that my grandpa didn't know that my wife and I 69 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:53,440 Speaker 1: were together until he saw me hanging all over my wife. 70 00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:56,120 Speaker 1: I'm sure these were my mom's words. I told her 71 00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:58,160 Speaker 1: that I genuinely thought he knew, and that if someone 72 00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:00,960 Speaker 1: hadn't talked to him about it after posted it on 73 00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:03,760 Speaker 1: social media, he would have realized from the Christmas cards, 74 00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:06,840 Speaker 1: which featured a close up of the rings. He had 75 00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:08,960 Speaker 1: asked my mom about it after the party and she 76 00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:11,799 Speaker 1: had to tell him. She says it should have been 77 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:14,440 Speaker 1: from me. My mom told me it was my responsibility 78 00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:16,720 Speaker 1: to tell him that way, he wouldn't have found out 79 00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:18,840 Speaker 1: from that way. So am I the a hole for 80 00:03:18,919 --> 00:03:22,320 Speaker 1: not specifically telling my grandpa I'm married to a woman. 81 00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:24,480 Speaker 1: My mom said it isn't the end of the world, 82 00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:26,720 Speaker 1: but I can tell she's kind of upset. My wife 83 00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:28,760 Speaker 1: said that she didn't think any PDA we did have 84 00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:31,200 Speaker 1: was over the top and nothing my siblings wouldn't do 85 00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:33,760 Speaker 1: with their significant others who weren't present. And a friend 86 00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:36,000 Speaker 1: said that it's not on me to make sure everyone 87 00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:40,440 Speaker 1: knows about our marriage. And there is some relevant comments 88 00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:44,040 Speaker 1: and some notable comments and an updates but what do 89 00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:45,040 Speaker 1: you think so FIA's Opda. 90 00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:47,600 Speaker 2: I don't think op he's the a hole, but I'm 91 00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:50,120 Speaker 2: just wondering how he didn't figure it out. 92 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:53,560 Speaker 1: Also, would it not have come up in like in 93 00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:56,240 Speaker 1: one of the five minute conversations where it's like, okay, 94 00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:59,440 Speaker 1: by the way, I got married to who actually Janine? 95 00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:01,680 Speaker 2: I feel like if she was, I think it may 96 00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:03,520 Speaker 2: be the able if she was hiding it. 97 00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:07,880 Speaker 1: Still, it sounds like she may be intentionally hiding it 98 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:12,320 Speaker 1: because she's worried about how he might receive it. 99 00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:14,480 Speaker 2: Totally spy says, did he not notice at the wedding? 100 00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:15,880 Speaker 2: I don't think he was at the wedding. 101 00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:18,080 Speaker 1: I don't think he was at that. They did a small. 102 00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:21,120 Speaker 2: Courthouse well courthouse wedding. But I feel with just the sis, 103 00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:24,560 Speaker 2: I'm like, I'm just wondering why he wasn't told any 104 00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:27,680 Speaker 2: of this before. I feel like like one if the 105 00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:30,440 Speaker 2: mom thought her daughter had told like OP had told 106 00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:32,960 Speaker 2: the grandpa, why, like why wasn't that a conversa? I 107 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:35,120 Speaker 2: don't know, I don't know, Like I agree, I guess 108 00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:38,279 Speaker 2: I agree that op should have told the grandpa, but 109 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:39,640 Speaker 2: I'm also just wondering. 110 00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:43,200 Speaker 1: Why Akimori says she's afraid of rejection from the grandpa. 111 00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:45,320 Speaker 2: I don't know. I guess if she was purposely hiding 112 00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:47,160 Speaker 2: it from him, I think at that point it's kind 113 00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:49,800 Speaker 2: of disrespectful to your wife. If you're not in danger, 114 00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:51,680 Speaker 2: you're not in danger and there's not like like a 115 00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:54,760 Speaker 2: safety element. I think it is a bit disrespectful to 116 00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:57,239 Speaker 2: your wife to not to hide it from important people 117 00:04:57,240 --> 00:04:57,640 Speaker 2: in your life. 118 00:04:57,640 --> 00:04:59,760 Speaker 1: But Beauty like Knight says, the grandpa got the Christmas 119 00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:00,880 Speaker 1: car with the wedding photo. 120 00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:02,840 Speaker 2: You know. That's that's why I'm asking. That's why I'm like, 121 00:05:02,839 --> 00:05:04,760 Speaker 2: I don't think she's the ahole, because why didn't he know? 122 00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:07,599 Speaker 1: Yeah, well, let's see some notable comments. Let's see if 123 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:10,719 Speaker 1: we get some more contact, so notable comments. If my 124 00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:14,280 Speaker 1: grandma was still with us, I definitely would have told her. 125 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:17,680 Speaker 1: My grandpa and I never really had a close relationship. 126 00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:19,839 Speaker 1: And the main reason I call him is because he 127 00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:22,479 Speaker 1: misses her and I want to help distract him even 128 00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:24,599 Speaker 1: a little bit. I think a part of me just 129 00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:27,599 Speaker 1: didn't want to have the tough conversation. So that means 130 00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:29,520 Speaker 1: you're the a hole? Yeah, what I think that means 131 00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:30,040 Speaker 1: you're the a hole? 132 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:32,120 Speaker 2: I think she needed to have that conversation. 133 00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:34,240 Speaker 1: Ned to have that conversation. If she was afraid to 134 00:05:34,279 --> 00:05:36,720 Speaker 1: have that conversation, then I think that's like a little 135 00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:37,400 Speaker 1: bit unfair. 136 00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:39,400 Speaker 2: Yeah, to her wife, I think. 137 00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:42,520 Speaker 1: Yeah, I was hoping the Christmas card got the point across, 138 00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:44,400 Speaker 1: but knowing him, he might have just glanced at it 139 00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:47,479 Speaker 1: and set it aside. Then someone says you're the a hole. 140 00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:49,840 Speaker 1: The social media posts and Christmas cards are not relevant. 141 00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:52,400 Speaker 1: When you showed up at your grandfather's house with a stranger, 142 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:54,760 Speaker 1: how did you introduce her? Did you say this is 143 00:05:54,839 --> 00:05:57,560 Speaker 1: my wife flank. If someone else introduced her and then 144 00:05:57,600 --> 00:05:59,240 Speaker 1: you failed to mention she was your off, then it's 145 00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:02,000 Speaker 1: not your fault. When your mother told you he didn't know, 146 00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:04,640 Speaker 1: you should have called him and apologized. I'm sorry, Grandpa 147 00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:07,360 Speaker 1: for not properly introducing you to my wife. I didn't 148 00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:09,680 Speaker 1: realize you didn't know I'd gotten married. We kept it 149 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:11,640 Speaker 1: very low key because of the pandemic. Your friend is 150 00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:13,720 Speaker 1: sort of right that it's not your responsibility to make 151 00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:15,839 Speaker 1: sure everyone knows, but when you go visit someone, it 152 00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:20,320 Speaker 1: is your responsibility to make proper introductions. Yeah, I think 153 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:22,760 Speaker 1: it's more of like it like you said, Sophia, it's 154 00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:25,680 Speaker 1: more that it's a respect to your partner's your partner. 155 00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:28,560 Speaker 2: Like if we okay, I guess obviously taking into consideration 156 00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:31,440 Speaker 2: that this is a queer marriage and as many layers 157 00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:34,320 Speaker 2: of like beer of rejection from your family members and 158 00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:36,240 Speaker 2: all that stuff. But if we were to look at 159 00:06:36,279 --> 00:06:39,040 Speaker 2: it from if you had a partner, Like if you 160 00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:40,880 Speaker 2: were in a straight relationship and you had a partner, 161 00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:44,200 Speaker 2: would you not want everyone to know that is your partner? 162 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:45,719 Speaker 1: Yeah, I would say I would say, hey, this is 163 00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:47,720 Speaker 1: my girlfriend, or this is my wife or whatever whatever. 164 00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:51,200 Speaker 2: It will be understanding that there are multi layers added 165 00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:53,640 Speaker 2: or like there are more layers added because they're a 166 00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:57,200 Speaker 2: queer couple, but still they're married. It doesn't seem like 167 00:06:57,240 --> 00:07:00,000 Speaker 2: the grandpa has like shown any vine. 168 00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:03,040 Speaker 1: No, he's like a quiet, reserved man. 169 00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:04,520 Speaker 2: He's working in a workshop. 170 00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:05,680 Speaker 1: You're working at the woodshop. 171 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:08,000 Speaker 2: So yeah, Sidney without Kenney says she's not the able 172 00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:10,280 Speaker 2: for distracting him from his wife's death, but is the 173 00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:12,840 Speaker 2: ale for not mentioning it? What a better distraction from 174 00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:15,160 Speaker 2: his dead wife than introducing your alive wife. Yeah, I 175 00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:18,600 Speaker 2: think op owed it to share that knowledge or that 176 00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:21,920 Speaker 2: information should have come from her, especially because he is 177 00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:23,240 Speaker 2: an important person in life. 178 00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:25,280 Speaker 1: Yeah, but we do got some more relevant comments, so 179 00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:28,520 Speaker 1: not the a hole. I think you should have told him. Yeah, 180 00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:30,560 Speaker 1: that seems clear, but I hesitated to call anyone an 181 00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:33,240 Speaker 1: a hole for not outing themselves before they feel ready. 182 00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:36,000 Speaker 1: Your behavior at the party probably was completely appropriate for 183 00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:39,000 Speaker 1: a spouse, but was clearly not a how a friend 184 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,040 Speaker 1: would behave, and it must have been jarring for him 185 00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:43,160 Speaker 1: to realize in that moment. Your mom is probably upset 186 00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:45,920 Speaker 1: because your grandfather is upset about being left in the dark, 187 00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:48,200 Speaker 1: and she feels protective of him. I agree with your 188 00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:50,840 Speaker 1: friend to an extent. It's not your responsibility per se, 189 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:53,400 Speaker 1: but we all can give our elders a little extra 190 00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:56,240 Speaker 1: assuming they aren't at a holes in situations like this. 191 00:07:56,480 --> 00:07:59,280 Speaker 1: I called and made sure my grandma knew I was pregnant, 192 00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:02,120 Speaker 1: because it was pretty obvious she wasn't going to understand 193 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:05,120 Speaker 1: the picture announcement we sent to everyone. And then another one. 194 00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:06,960 Speaker 1: You're the a hole. I'm not sure I get this. 195 00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:10,360 Speaker 1: You never really told extended family members about you being 196 00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:12,239 Speaker 1: in a relationship with the woman who is now your wife, 197 00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:14,240 Speaker 1: but you were also shocked they didn't figure it out. 198 00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:16,720 Speaker 1: Depending on the age of your grandfather, it's possible he 199 00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:19,280 Speaker 1: simply doesn't use social media or at least enough to 200 00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:21,640 Speaker 1: see your posts and never knew as you didn't tell him. 201 00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:23,920 Speaker 1: It seems you basically left him out and had someone 202 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:26,480 Speaker 1: else do your bidding and tell him instead of you 203 00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:28,920 Speaker 1: doing yourself as a by woman. I'm shocked your wife 204 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:31,360 Speaker 1: has been okay with this the whole time you were 205 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:34,960 Speaker 1: essentially throwing her in the closet around your family, and 206 00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:37,520 Speaker 1: then finally, holy no, not the a hole. You don't 207 00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:40,200 Speaker 1: owe coming out to anyone. If someone assumes you are straight, 208 00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:43,360 Speaker 1: that's one hundred percent on them. The consensus, though, is 209 00:08:43,559 --> 00:08:47,360 Speaker 1: a hole. I'm like, it is split. It is split. 210 00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,560 Speaker 1: It's not like the worst and most egregious a hole. 211 00:08:49,679 --> 00:08:51,360 Speaker 2: I don't think it is the most egregious a hole. 212 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:53,760 Speaker 2: I think there is. Yeah, Akamori says, no, a hole, 213 00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:56,520 Speaker 2: just lack of communication. I don't think there is. I'm 214 00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:59,520 Speaker 2: not going to relieve her of a holary completely. Yeah, 215 00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:01,400 Speaker 2: because again, and I think there is a little bit 216 00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:04,319 Speaker 2: a holary towards her wife of not yes. 217 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:07,360 Speaker 1: Exactly yeahs as, but maybe the wife is okay with 218 00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:07,920 Speaker 1: it or whatever. 219 00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:09,960 Speaker 2: But I think that's a conversation that they should have 220 00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:13,360 Speaker 2: now because Okay, I guess what I'm saying is if 221 00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:16,800 Speaker 2: she brought the wife and and was hiding it on purpose, 222 00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:19,800 Speaker 2: is she expecting her wife to, you know, not act 223 00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:21,240 Speaker 2: as her wife in public settings? 224 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:23,880 Speaker 1: But I don't think so, because they are acting it. 225 00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:25,760 Speaker 1: So Yeah, but if they're acting like it, then I 226 00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:28,000 Speaker 1: think the inconsistency is if they're acting like it, then 227 00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:29,120 Speaker 1: they should just say something no. 228 00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:30,960 Speaker 2: Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's why I think it 229 00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:32,720 Speaker 2: would be like, for sure, the a hole. If she 230 00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:35,560 Speaker 2: was expecting her wife to pretend to be straight in 231 00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:37,400 Speaker 2: front of people, that would be for sure the a hole. 232 00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:39,319 Speaker 2: But I think it's a little bit like mud mud 233 00:09:39,559 --> 00:09:42,360 Speaker 2: muddy because it seems like there was just like lack 234 00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:42,880 Speaker 2: of community. 235 00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:47,120 Speaker 1: Yeah, but there is an update though, twenty one days later. 236 00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:49,440 Speaker 1: I just want to thank everyone who commented. I read 237 00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:51,840 Speaker 1: it through them all and it really helped me process 238 00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:54,600 Speaker 1: the situation. I spoke with my mom a few hours 239 00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:57,880 Speaker 1: last night about after I posted, and she apologized for 240 00:09:57,920 --> 00:10:00,600 Speaker 1: her comment about my wife and I hanging all over 241 00:10:00,679 --> 00:10:03,640 Speaker 1: each other. I apologize for putting her in the situation 242 00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:06,480 Speaker 1: she was in, and I genuinely thought that he had known. 243 00:10:06,559 --> 00:10:08,679 Speaker 1: She said that it was okay, he knows now and 244 00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:10,600 Speaker 1: not to worry. She had talked to him and told 245 00:10:10,679 --> 00:10:12,880 Speaker 1: him that we were together, but didn't tell him we 246 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:15,480 Speaker 1: were married, which she said needed to come from me. 247 00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:17,680 Speaker 1: I agree. I said I was going to give him 248 00:10:17,760 --> 00:10:19,800 Speaker 1: some time to process and reflect on things, and that 249 00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:21,680 Speaker 1: I didn't want to reach out too soon before he 250 00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:23,600 Speaker 1: was ready. So I waited a week to talk to him, 251 00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:26,000 Speaker 1: and that time an aunt of mine said she spoke 252 00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:28,160 Speaker 1: with him. They spoke for a while, and his general 253 00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:30,560 Speaker 1: sentiment was that he was worried that we could lead 254 00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:33,000 Speaker 1: happy lives together. I could we find a home, do 255 00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:35,240 Speaker 1: we have kids? Would be able to keep our jobs. 256 00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:37,040 Speaker 1: She said they had a really good talk and that 257 00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:39,320 Speaker 1: she was able to reassure him on his worry. She 258 00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:41,199 Speaker 1: told me I should talk to him and give him 259 00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:43,439 Speaker 1: a chance to see how happy we are. This weekend, 260 00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:45,760 Speaker 1: I went to visit him. My mom and aunt came 261 00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:48,200 Speaker 1: with me too. After we chatted for a while, I 262 00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:50,360 Speaker 1: told my grandpa that I had some news. I told 263 00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,880 Speaker 1: him that my wife and I had actually gotten married 264 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:54,600 Speaker 1: this summer. I made it clear that it was a 265 00:10:54,679 --> 00:10:57,680 Speaker 1: very small ceremony and that our parents couldn't even attend, 266 00:10:57,840 --> 00:11:00,440 Speaker 1: and that because of that, we are planning on having 267 00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:02,880 Speaker 1: a big wedding celebration in a year or two after 268 00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:05,760 Speaker 1: COVID is over, so all of our family and friends 269 00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:09,240 Speaker 1: can celebrate. I explained that I was just nervous to 270 00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:11,440 Speaker 1: tell him and that I was worried what he would think. 271 00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:14,120 Speaker 1: He said, well, I'm eighty five, my opinion doesn't matter. 272 00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:16,120 Speaker 1: That's cute. We talked a little bit more. I made 273 00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:18,560 Speaker 1: sure to mention that we were very happy and that 274 00:11:18,679 --> 00:11:21,600 Speaker 1: our jobs knew and our neighbors knew when we bought 275 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:24,079 Speaker 1: our house. I also mentioned that my wife's parents went 276 00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:26,520 Speaker 1: to the same college my parents went to, and all 277 00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:28,640 Speaker 1: my mom's siblings went to, and he thought that was 278 00:11:28,679 --> 00:11:30,520 Speaker 1: pretty cool. I told him that I didn't have a 279 00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:32,720 Speaker 1: chance to tell Grandma before she passed, and that I 280 00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:35,160 Speaker 1: really miss her and had hoped she could see how 281 00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:37,199 Speaker 1: happy we were together. We all had a little cry 282 00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:39,920 Speaker 1: and talked about how much we miss her. The next morning, 283 00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:42,600 Speaker 1: a different aunt called me and said that when she 284 00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:46,480 Speaker 1: went and visited Grandpa, he was all excited. Did you hear, Opie? 285 00:11:46,679 --> 00:11:49,200 Speaker 1: Did you hear OPI he's going to have a big 286 00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:52,520 Speaker 1: body after covid op he is having a wedding celebration. 287 00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:54,280 Speaker 1: She and I had a good talk, and it sounds 288 00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:56,960 Speaker 1: like Grandpa is doing well with the news and that 289 00:11:57,160 --> 00:12:01,800 Speaker 1: everything worked out okay. Final notable comment, however much it 290 00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:04,080 Speaker 1: seems you were judged the a hole in the previous posts, 291 00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:06,280 Speaker 1: what's come out of this is nothing short of beautiful. 292 00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:08,720 Speaker 1: Is nothing short of beautiful. I'm so happy that he's 293 00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:11,520 Speaker 1: accepted you and your wife, and it's excited for the party. 294 00:12:11,559 --> 00:12:14,000 Speaker 1: When the world is safer, just goes to show sometimes 295 00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:15,760 Speaker 1: there's no need to be afraid of telling them. Not 296 00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:17,960 Speaker 1: that it's always this easy, but I'm glad this one 297 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:21,040 Speaker 1: worked out happily for you. And that is where that 298 00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:27,440 Speaker 1: story ends and this next one begins. I think it's cute. 299 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:31,079 Speaker 1: I think it's cute. I feel like something to remind 300 00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:36,360 Speaker 1: ourselves is that, like, while older people may not share 301 00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:40,000 Speaker 1: the worldview that we've grown up in, I think we 302 00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:43,240 Speaker 1: can give them grace to be cool. 303 00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:45,000 Speaker 2: Hope for the best in humanity. 304 00:12:45,080 --> 00:12:47,160 Speaker 1: Yeah, hope for the best. And I think like that's 305 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,520 Speaker 1: what op did and actually got rewarded for it when 306 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:51,400 Speaker 1: she finally did, I'm going to be twenty seven in 307 00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:54,080 Speaker 1: August and that's basically fifty and I don't like it, 308 00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:58,480 Speaker 1: says Brittany. John's funny join the twenty seven club. A yo. 309 00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:01,920 Speaker 1: But let's get into this next story. So my new 310 00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:04,040 Speaker 1: manager is someone I slept with years ago, and he 311 00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:09,040 Speaker 1: doesn't know we have a child. As tell me all 312 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:13,679 Speaker 1: the same jokes, everything's the same, We're doing Groundhog Day 313 00:13:13,679 --> 00:13:16,400 Speaker 1: over here. So this is answering the question when is 314 00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:18,880 Speaker 1: it necessary to share a secret? And this second story 315 00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:22,199 Speaker 1: comes from Virtual Smiling Bikes. The backstory I went back 316 00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:24,600 Speaker 1: to university in my late twenties do my PhD and 317 00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:27,200 Speaker 1: shared an office with a few other students for many years. 318 00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:30,400 Speaker 1: One of the students, Jacob, completed his thesis and was 319 00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:32,800 Speaker 1: moving back to his home country, so we all went 320 00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:36,720 Speaker 1: out for congratulatory farewell drinks. One thing led to another, 321 00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:39,000 Speaker 1: and Jacob and I spent the night together. A few 322 00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:43,400 Speaker 1: weeks later, I realized I was pregnant and I had 323 00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:46,840 Speaker 1: no way to contact Jacob. His university email and mobile 324 00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:50,160 Speaker 1: number had been deactivated since he had left the country 325 00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:52,760 Speaker 1: and the university. I didn't need anything from him and 326 00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:54,880 Speaker 1: was fine to raise the child alone, but I thought 327 00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:56,720 Speaker 1: he had a right to know. I googled him a 328 00:13:56,760 --> 00:13:59,160 Speaker 1: few times or the years, but never found. 329 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:00,920 Speaker 2: Him, so she did try to tell him. 330 00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:04,439 Speaker 1: He did try. This last week, our department head emailed 331 00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:09,719 Speaker 1: everyone to introduce and welcome our new manager, Jacob, with 332 00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:12,280 Speaker 1: a photo and a blurb about his education to work history, 333 00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:14,720 Speaker 1: so I know for sure it's him. The night we 334 00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:17,640 Speaker 1: spent together changed my life because it made me a parent. 335 00:14:17,679 --> 00:14:19,760 Speaker 1: So I have thought about Jacob from time to time 336 00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:22,600 Speaker 1: when my daughter asks about her dad, or I notice 337 00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:25,040 Speaker 1: a genetic trait she didn't get from me. However, I 338 00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:27,600 Speaker 1: doubt Jacob has given that night a second thought. I 339 00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:30,760 Speaker 1: have no idea whether he will have any concerns about 340 00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:33,640 Speaker 1: being my manager given our history, or whether I'm making 341 00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:35,560 Speaker 1: a bigger deal out of this than I should. For 342 00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:37,480 Speaker 1: what it's worth. In my years of sharing an office 343 00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:40,560 Speaker 1: with Jacob, he seemed easy going and practical. In our company, 344 00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:42,520 Speaker 1: it is a It is a common thing for everyone 345 00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:45,640 Speaker 1: in the department to reply all to these introduction emails 346 00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:49,000 Speaker 1: and introduce themselves, welcome the newcomer aboard, and explain how 347 00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:51,840 Speaker 1: their role will interact with theirs. I'm not sure if 348 00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:54,600 Speaker 1: my email should note that Jacob and I studied together 349 00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:56,880 Speaker 1: years ago as a way to get that out in 350 00:14:56,920 --> 00:15:00,360 Speaker 1: the open, or should I email him individually and offer 351 00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:03,360 Speaker 1: to have a discussion about keeping our history out of 352 00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:06,320 Speaker 1: the workplace if he thinks it's needed. I'd appreciate any 353 00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:09,520 Speaker 1: suggestions for language that indicates I'm not concerned and will 354 00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:12,400 Speaker 1: be completely professional. And then, in direct contradiction to that, 355 00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:15,440 Speaker 1: I'd also appreciate a script for a separate email saying 356 00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:17,680 Speaker 1: can we please meet outside of work because I need 357 00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:19,880 Speaker 1: to tell you something important about our history. If I 358 00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:22,320 Speaker 1: can tell him about his daughter. If you or any 359 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:24,600 Speaker 1: comments think I shouldn't tell him, or I should let 360 00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:27,320 Speaker 1: him settle in his new country and new job first, 361 00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:30,320 Speaker 1: I would definitely take that on board. And there is 362 00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:31,280 Speaker 1: an update. 363 00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:33,960 Speaker 2: Okay, okay, whoa, whoa. 364 00:15:34,280 --> 00:15:38,400 Speaker 1: Whoa, whoa. That's a lot. That is a lot. I 365 00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:41,840 Speaker 1: think I think you should definitely tell him, Yes, I really, yeah, 366 00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:43,360 Speaker 1: right away. First thing. Email. 367 00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:46,360 Speaker 2: I think you should email the whole office and say, 368 00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:48,960 Speaker 2: oh my god, that's my baby daddy. 369 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:52,280 Speaker 1: See you. I like to see you thriving kids. Yes, 370 00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:56,720 Speaker 1: let's get your out there. Ye, get an income for 371 00:15:56,840 --> 00:16:01,480 Speaker 1: our kids. Yeah, I think in reality factor reality, I 372 00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:04,960 Speaker 1: think he should know. I think what you should do 373 00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:08,200 Speaker 1: is not necessarily mention the history. Just welcome him and 374 00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:10,680 Speaker 1: then separate thread be like, hey, how open do you 375 00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:12,920 Speaker 1: want to be within the office about our history. 376 00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:15,360 Speaker 2: I think, Oh, he meant do I reach out to 377 00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:17,640 Speaker 2: h R and say hey I know this person? 378 00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:20,080 Speaker 1: No. I think she meant reach out to the office. No, 379 00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:21,120 Speaker 1: reach out to him? No? 380 00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:22,640 Speaker 2: No, because she was saying, do I like, what do 381 00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:23,640 Speaker 2: I email the office? 382 00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:25,880 Speaker 1: Well, because there's a reply all, So basically like new 383 00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:28,160 Speaker 1: guy comes in and it's like, hey, welcome to the office. 384 00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:30,320 Speaker 1: I'm gonna be interacting your role in this way. She's 385 00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:32,960 Speaker 1: saying like, hey, welcome to the office. Haven't seen you 386 00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:37,040 Speaker 1: since we work together in blah blah blah, Yeah, work together. 387 00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:39,600 Speaker 2: I mean she's asking, should I even mention that I 388 00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:39,920 Speaker 2: know him? 389 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:43,120 Speaker 1: Yes? I think mentioning that you know him is not bad. 390 00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:46,640 Speaker 1: Is not bad. I wouldn't say, hey, remember that spicy 391 00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:49,400 Speaker 1: night we had right before you left, wouldn't say that. 392 00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:51,520 Speaker 1: But I think it's totally fine to mention that you 393 00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:54,880 Speaker 1: work together. I hope Tricia D says, I hope this 394 00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:59,040 Speaker 1: email finds you, my baby daddy, but yeah. I would 395 00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:02,960 Speaker 1: just email acknowledging that you work together, and then separate 396 00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:05,040 Speaker 1: thread saying like, hey we need to. 397 00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:07,200 Speaker 2: Talk, Hey, we need to talk. I've got a good 398 00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:10,200 Speaker 2: news stuff to say, but with like an emoji that's 399 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:10,680 Speaker 2: like yeah. 400 00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:12,520 Speaker 1: So the extent to which I tried to find Jacob 401 00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:15,600 Speaker 1: wasn't relevant to my questions, so I didn't incla the up. 402 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:17,359 Speaker 1: So I didn't include the efforts I went to for 403 00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:20,639 Speaker 1: the commentators who are curious, Understandably, I really did try. 404 00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:22,440 Speaker 1: When I first found out I was pregnant, I asked 405 00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:24,639 Speaker 1: the other people we shared an office with, but no 406 00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:28,080 Speaker 1: one had any information. We were students who shared an 407 00:17:28,119 --> 00:17:30,800 Speaker 1: office and sometimes went to the UNI bar together. We 408 00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:34,280 Speaker 1: never spent any time together outside of UNI. I asked 409 00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:38,520 Speaker 1: Jacob's deieces supervisor, but it was Christmas slash Australian summer here, 410 00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:40,679 Speaker 1: so he was on leave for two months. When he 411 00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:43,600 Speaker 1: got back, he gave me the address on Jacob's file, 412 00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:47,000 Speaker 1: which was of course the Australian address he didn't live 413 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,800 Speaker 1: at any more. The UNI had a next of kin 414 00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:53,040 Speaker 1: Australian contact number on file for his aunt, but no 415 00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:56,040 Speaker 1: one ever answered it. When I rang Jacob is Chinese 416 00:17:56,080 --> 00:17:58,639 Speaker 1: with a very common surname, and Jacob is just the 417 00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:00,879 Speaker 1: name he used in my country. I don't know his 418 00:18:01,119 --> 00:18:04,560 Speaker 1: actual given name, so attempts to find the correct mister 419 00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:07,800 Speaker 1: Wong in a country where they don't use Google our 420 00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:12,280 Speaker 1: Facebook went nowhere. I searched for recent publications about Jacob's 421 00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:15,360 Speaker 1: thesis topic and found a paper with Jacob Wong as 422 00:18:15,359 --> 00:18:18,359 Speaker 1: one of the authors. I contacted the corresponding author and 423 00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:21,399 Speaker 1: asked for Jacob's email, but they never responded. By this 424 00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:23,840 Speaker 1: point I had given up because I was so sick 425 00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:29,560 Speaker 1: with hypermesis gravadorum. I needed to focus on my baby's health. 426 00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:36,199 Speaker 1: And now we have an update eight months later. Is 427 00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:39,680 Speaker 1: that from Was that an incredible Yeah? I was thinking 428 00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:41,920 Speaker 1: to thank you for answering my letter. You were right, 429 00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:44,119 Speaker 1: it was a really big deal. I was viewing the 430 00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:47,320 Speaker 1: Jacob as my manager problem from his perspective until I 431 00:18:47,359 --> 00:18:49,520 Speaker 1: told him otherwise. It was just a simple one night 432 00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:51,520 Speaker 1: stand over a decade ago and didn't seem like a 433 00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:54,679 Speaker 1: huge problem. I hated and appreciated the reality check. I 434 00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:57,639 Speaker 1: regret reading the comments, but thank you all for moderating 435 00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,639 Speaker 1: them as quickly as you did. A lot has happened 436 00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:02,640 Speaker 1: in a show span of time. Thankfully I already had 437 00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:05,560 Speaker 1: a therapist. First, I spoke to my union rep, who said, 438 00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:08,080 Speaker 1: but say nothing, but call us if HR tries to 439 00:19:08,119 --> 00:19:10,440 Speaker 1: set up a meeting with you. Staying silent and having 440 00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:14,200 Speaker 1: Jacob independently declare the prior relationship when he arrived would 441 00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:16,560 Speaker 1: have been problematic because I'd still end up in the 442 00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:19,280 Speaker 1: same position and I would have lied by omission. Our 443 00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:22,080 Speaker 1: HR team can be gossipy, and they know the age 444 00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:24,600 Speaker 1: of my half Chinese daughter, so I needed to have 445 00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:28,120 Speaker 1: as much control as possible over the disclosure. I spoke 446 00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:31,360 Speaker 1: to an employment lawyer who reviewed our policies, and at 447 00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:34,000 Speaker 1: a suggestion, I wrote an email to HR declaring a 448 00:19:34,119 --> 00:19:38,360 Speaker 1: prior relationship with Jacob, and then I was immediately pushed out. 449 00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:40,720 Speaker 1: Even if you have all the legal support in the world, 450 00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:43,439 Speaker 1: you can't prevent someone from doing something illegal. You just 451 00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:46,320 Speaker 1: have recourse. Afterward, in a meeting with my lawyer, the 452 00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:49,560 Speaker 1: union rep, HR, and a member of my senior management team, 453 00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:52,400 Speaker 1: I was asked to resign. When I said no, they 454 00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:56,280 Speaker 1: insisted on a statutory declaration about the relationship with Jacob, 455 00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:59,359 Speaker 1: stating what happened when it happened, how many times it happened, 456 00:19:59,359 --> 00:20:01,640 Speaker 1: and who initial shed it? I also said no to that. 457 00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:03,960 Speaker 1: We ended the meeting with each side agreeing to think 458 00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:06,320 Speaker 1: about possible solutions. That's crazy. 459 00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:09,640 Speaker 2: Is overstepping on the company's part. 460 00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:11,240 Speaker 1: That is so insane. 461 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:13,320 Speaker 2: Yeah, why would they need to know all that? 462 00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:14,520 Speaker 1: I have no idea? 463 00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:16,879 Speaker 2: How many times? Why would they need to know that? 464 00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:20,439 Speaker 1: How many times? What positions? Was it just missionary? Was 465 00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:24,440 Speaker 1: it doggie? Let us know it? Do you have any 466 00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:27,480 Speaker 1: video we need to analyze the company's solution was to 467 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:30,960 Speaker 1: start messing with my pay my benefits, my swipe card, 468 00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:34,960 Speaker 1: access to my office, my computer, log in, my email 469 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:38,679 Speaker 1: calendar account. Yeah. They are literally just giving op more 470 00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:40,679 Speaker 1: of a case. So honestly, do it. 471 00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:42,919 Speaker 2: Keep doing it, Keep doing it, because she'll take it 472 00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:43,399 Speaker 2: to court. 473 00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:45,679 Speaker 1: They get a court. They spread rumors about me, and 474 00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:48,359 Speaker 1: I heard coworkers whispering that I'd had an affair with 475 00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:51,240 Speaker 1: a manager. They sent me for a random drug test 476 00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:53,400 Speaker 1: at a time when I was scheduled for an important 477 00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:56,560 Speaker 1: meeting with clients. They canceled accommodation that had been booked 478 00:20:56,560 --> 00:20:59,359 Speaker 1: for upcoming travel, which I only found out because I 479 00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:02,760 Speaker 1: was getting pair and called the hotel. I can't describe 480 00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:04,919 Speaker 1: how awful it feels to know that someone with this 481 00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:07,399 Speaker 1: kind of power over your job is devoting their time 482 00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:10,080 Speaker 1: and energy to thinking of ways to screw with you. Wait, 483 00:21:10,119 --> 00:21:12,840 Speaker 1: so I'm wondering, does Jacob know or is this just 484 00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:13,639 Speaker 1: coming from HR? 485 00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:15,800 Speaker 2: Well, I'm wondering why it feels like they're kind of 486 00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:17,119 Speaker 2: protecting it away. 487 00:21:17,480 --> 00:21:19,920 Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, and side with that, Kidney says, HR is 488 00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:22,639 Speaker 1: to protect the company. That's true, you which is true? 489 00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:25,399 Speaker 1: Which is true? Yeah? I'm this is crazy that this 490 00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:25,800 Speaker 1: has happened. 491 00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:26,000 Speaker 2: Yea. 492 00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:28,800 Speaker 1: Every day I was going into work wondering what was 493 00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:31,119 Speaker 1: waiting for me, and it was wearing me down fast. 494 00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:33,600 Speaker 1: The advice from the union rep was to go back 495 00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:36,439 Speaker 1: in time and follow their first piece of advice, or 496 00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:39,240 Speaker 1: just keep documenting everything as we were prepare to take 497 00:21:39,359 --> 00:21:40,000 Speaker 1: legal action. 498 00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:42,639 Speaker 2: It's good that she had a lawyer before this all started. 499 00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:44,840 Speaker 1: Smart. Smart. I wouldn't have thought to do that. No, 500 00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:47,440 Speaker 1: I would have never suspected that this would happen. Yeah, 501 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:49,680 Speaker 1: parable the lawyer estimated that it would take at least 502 00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:51,840 Speaker 1: a year to get any kind of resolution, and I 503 00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:54,240 Speaker 1: didn't even want the job anymore at this point. I 504 00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:56,320 Speaker 1: wasn't sleeping much, and I had cried a few times 505 00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:58,120 Speaker 1: at work. I was beginning to crack and we were 506 00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:02,160 Speaker 1: only just getting started. So I resigned. I wish I'd 507 00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:04,560 Speaker 1: held up better under the pressure, but it was all 508 00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:07,280 Speaker 1: just too much, with the looming deadline of Jacob's start 509 00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:09,840 Speaker 1: date at her office. In whatever way HR was going 510 00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:11,919 Speaker 1: to drag him into this, Yeah, so I think Jacob 511 00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:14,640 Speaker 1: does not know. Yeah, and I don't think Jacob is married. 512 00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:16,440 Speaker 2: No, I don't think they're bad any or at. 513 00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:18,560 Speaker 1: Least when they had the relationship. 514 00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:21,359 Speaker 2: I think, Sorry, Duchess Cassanda says, an affair is Jacob married? 515 00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:23,360 Speaker 2: The company was spreading. 516 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:25,560 Speaker 1: Rooms thought it was an affair. Yeah, and whatever way 517 00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:27,840 Speaker 1: HR was going to drag him into this. I'm lucky 518 00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:29,880 Speaker 1: that I can take my time looking for a new job, 519 00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:32,440 Speaker 1: and I've had some space to process everything outside of 520 00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:34,680 Speaker 1: the work stuff. I spoke with a family lawyer who 521 00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:37,760 Speaker 1: outlined all the possible ways this situation could go and 522 00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:40,639 Speaker 1: what the most likely outcomes were. Basically, my daughter is 523 00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:43,800 Speaker 1: old enough that what she wants would get heavily weighted 524 00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:45,879 Speaker 1: by a court if it came to that. I've spoken 525 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:48,280 Speaker 1: to my daughter many times about her father. I told 526 00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:50,800 Speaker 1: her what I knew about him and that I tried 527 00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:53,320 Speaker 1: to contact him. I've offered for her to see a 528 00:22:53,320 --> 00:22:55,679 Speaker 1: therapist if she ever wanted to talk about it with 529 00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:58,679 Speaker 1: someone who wasn't me, and she has always said thanks, 530 00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:00,840 Speaker 1: but no thanks. The family lawyer helped me write a 531 00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:03,120 Speaker 1: letter which I left for Jacob. I told him about 532 00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:05,360 Speaker 1: his daughter, that I wasn't trying to get anything from him, 533 00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:08,159 Speaker 1: and gave him the contact details of my lawyer. After 534 00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:10,760 Speaker 1: a few weeks of ME freaking out that HR had 535 00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:13,600 Speaker 1: somehow intercepted the letter, he emailed my lawyer. He was 536 00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:16,359 Speaker 1: the easy going and practical Jacob. I remembered he was 537 00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:18,520 Speaker 1: still processing it, but said he wasn't going to take 538 00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:21,320 Speaker 1: any legal steps. He offered us his family medical history. 539 00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:23,720 Speaker 1: He apologized if I resigned because of him, and he 540 00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:25,880 Speaker 1: said he would like to meet our daughter if she's interested. 541 00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:28,560 Speaker 1: She also has some siblings. I told her all of this. 542 00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:31,480 Speaker 1: She says she's happy that she has her father's contact info, 543 00:23:31,600 --> 00:23:33,640 Speaker 1: but doesn't want to meet him right now. She's of 544 00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:35,920 Speaker 1: the view that having him in our lives would cause 545 00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:38,960 Speaker 1: unwanted disruption, and she doesn't even know about the war 546 00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:42,520 Speaker 1: cluster budge and that is where that story ends. Wow. 547 00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:47,560 Speaker 1: I was not expecting all of this craziness from the HR. 548 00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:52,240 Speaker 2: Yeah, well, it seems like the issue here was because 549 00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:54,840 Speaker 2: we know that Jacob hadn't even started work yet, like 550 00:23:55,080 --> 00:23:58,560 Speaker 2: his start date hadn't even happened. It seems like the company. 551 00:23:58,240 --> 00:23:59,639 Speaker 1: It's all the company, it's all the company. 552 00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:02,640 Speaker 2: It seems like they found she op told the company, hey, 553 00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:05,359 Speaker 2: I had a previous relationship with you know this guy 554 00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:07,760 Speaker 2: because she wanted to be transparent, and then the company 555 00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:09,840 Speaker 2: was like, well, we don't want to deal with that messiness, 556 00:24:09,840 --> 00:24:10,880 Speaker 2: so let's just get rid of. 557 00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:13,640 Speaker 1: Her exactly exactly, which, like, I don't know why they're 558 00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:16,160 Speaker 1: taking that course of action because I feel like they're 559 00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:19,760 Speaker 1: just taking their own hole, Like they just gave Ope 560 00:24:20,359 --> 00:24:23,160 Speaker 1: so much AMMO to go in the lawsuit. I feel 561 00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:26,000 Speaker 1: like it's a it's a dumb thing on the company's part, 562 00:24:26,119 --> 00:24:27,800 Speaker 1: but it just goes to show if you work at 563 00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:32,400 Speaker 1: a big company, get a lawyer because you'll get screwed over. Yeah, 564 00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:33,560 Speaker 1: what do we have time wise? 565 00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:36,320 Speaker 2: We have We've only got forty minutes and tenant that 566 00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:39,000 Speaker 2: I don't know why we went through those stories of 567 00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:41,160 Speaker 2: that is goof Uh. Yeah, well we have ten minutes 568 00:24:41,160 --> 00:24:42,600 Speaker 2: where we were fixing the stuff. 569 00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:44,520 Speaker 1: That's true, So let's get get another story. 570 00:24:44,560 --> 00:24:47,240 Speaker 2: I have another story in the log. It's just slightly 571 00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:48,160 Speaker 2: unrelated to the question. 572 00:24:48,240 --> 00:24:50,199 Speaker 1: That's okay. I'm okay with that. I'm okay with that. 573 00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:53,000 Speaker 1: Miss killed. It says she should tell Jacob why she 574 00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:55,359 Speaker 1: had to resign. Yeah, maybe Jacob could be like a 575 00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:57,960 Speaker 1: internal champion for her and get her job back, but 576 00:24:57,960 --> 00:24:59,639 Speaker 1: I don't think she even wants the job back. The 577 00:24:59,720 --> 00:25:02,640 Speaker 1: job just sound like you Like, everyone sounds toxic, even 578 00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:05,280 Speaker 1: the employees who are all like gossipy and stuff. Yeah, 579 00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:09,000 Speaker 1: everyone sounds fucksick, cooks sick, suck sick. 580 00:25:09,119 --> 00:25:10,960 Speaker 2: Queens can do in college. 581 00:25:11,359 --> 00:25:14,200 Speaker 1: Let's do another story first, because we're we are yeah 582 00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:17,280 Speaker 1: to do without kidneys. HR is the a whole always 583 00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:22,560 Speaker 1: we hate Toby true Toby putting his hand on Pam's 584 00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:26,639 Speaker 1: leg like that whack whack. I'm going to go to 585 00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:29,160 Speaker 1: Costa Rica. Yeah, do you guys have any HR stories? 586 00:25:29,240 --> 00:25:30,560 Speaker 1: I would love to know if you guys have any 587 00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:33,520 Speaker 1: HR stories, because I have never really worked at a 588 00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:36,120 Speaker 1: real company ever, so I don't even know what corporate 589 00:25:36,119 --> 00:25:39,160 Speaker 1: stuff looks like. I had one job after college where 590 00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:41,600 Speaker 1: I did like I interviewed porn stars, but in a 591 00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:44,399 Speaker 1: business sense. But that was my only real job. I 592 00:25:44,440 --> 00:25:46,320 Speaker 1: told you about that. Yeah, let's do it.