Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central yew.
Speaker 2: On the world's two largest monotheisms learned to accept each other,
Speaker 2: perhaps live in peace. It's difficult question. The only way
Speaker 2: to find an answer is to turn to Stephen Colbert
Speaker 2: and Steve Carell. And even Stephen, you've just made me
Speaker 2: vomit in my own mouth.
Speaker 3: What's the weather like up your own acts?
Speaker 4: Tonight's topic Islam versus Christianity.
Speaker 1: Which is right?
Speaker 5: Is Lam?
Speaker 1: Christianity is long?
Speaker 6: There is no God but Allah and Mohammed is his prophet, Stephen, Steve, this.
Speaker 4: Debate is about religion. Let's discuss it rationally. Now, think
Speaker 4: about it. If you were God, would you manifest your
Speaker 4: divine glory to a shepherd in a cave in Saudi
Speaker 4: Arabia in the seventh century or as the son of
Speaker 4: a carpenter in a manger in Judea in the year zero?
Speaker 1: Come on, use your mind.
Speaker 6: Stephen, what part of there is no God but Allah
Speaker 6: and Mohammed is his prophet? Don't you understand? Look, let's
Speaker 6: assume for the sake of argument that your God is.
Speaker 1: The one true God.
Speaker 6: That would mean Allah is not the one true God,
Speaker 6: which we know he is. Don't you see your logic
Speaker 6: eats itself.
Speaker 4: First off, it's not my logic, Steve, It's God's logic as.
Speaker 1: Written in the Bible, every word of which is true.
Speaker 4: And we know every word is true because the Bible
Speaker 4: says that the Bible is true. And if you remember
Speaker 4: from earlier in this sentence, every word of the.
Speaker 1: Bible is true.
Speaker 4: Now are you following me here or are you some
Speaker 4: kind of mindless zealot?
Speaker 1: You know there is one way of settlingness, crusade?
Speaker 6: All right, there are two ways of settlingness. The one
Speaker 6: that I was thinking of a pray.
Speaker 1: Off.
Speaker 6: You pray to your God, and I will pray to mine,
Speaker 6: and we will see which one of us get smited.
Speaker 1: Great, let's do it? Is your God ready? My God
Speaker 1: was born ready?
Speaker 4: Or uh, not so much born as begotten, not made
Speaker 4: one being with the Father ready?
Speaker 1: All right? On your mark, get said, pry done?
Speaker 6: No no no no no no no no no.
Speaker 1: I'm done.
Speaker 6: I'm done too, and I appear to be unsmoted.
Speaker 1: Yeah for now.
Speaker 4: But let me tell you, when you die and go
Speaker 4: to hell, you're gonna wish you weren't dead.
Speaker 6: Interesting, now am I going to be doing that? After
Speaker 6: I go to Paradise to join my bevy of spotless
Speaker 6: virgins for all eternity, you know, because I just want
Speaker 6: to give him the heads up.
Speaker 1: Where are I going for eternity? Guys.
Speaker 2: I'm sorry, I'm just starting to think that this religion thing,
Speaker 2: We're not going to settle it in three minutes. So
Speaker 2: if you just wrap it up and find some common ground,
Speaker 2: that would be great.
Speaker 6: Sorry, hmmm, maybe the Jew's right.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, maybe maybe so, you know, which is funny
Speaker 4: because I normally don't care for Jews.
Speaker 6: We don't either, really, we seem to find them kind
Speaker 6: of scheming.
Speaker 1: We're very big on that too. Really, yes, we're.
Speaker 4: Not so different after all. I'm Steve Carrell and I'm
Speaker 4: Stephen Colbert. And this has been even.
Speaker 2: Stephen, media punditry. The very words mean almost nothing. With
Speaker 2: that in mind, two of our senior news analysts square
Speaker 2: off on the issues we deem important once again, even Stephen.
Speaker 2: With Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell.
Speaker 1: Do you think that you're an idiot? You're a total freak.
Speaker 1: Good evening. I'm Stephen Colbert and I'm Stephen Carell.
Speaker 4: In the last two months, natural disasters have been ravaging
Speaker 4: our country, hurricanes on the coasts, tornadoes in the Midwest,
Speaker 4: and flooding everywhere in between, billions of dollars of damage
Speaker 4: paid for by you, the taxpayer.
Speaker 1: Tonight's topic weather good or bad? Bad? Good?
Speaker 7: Bad.
Speaker 4: Every time a floyd or a girt lifts their skirt
Speaker 4: and relieves themselves on the East Coast, Uncle Sam feels
Speaker 4: obliged to crawl underneath the plate class coffee table and
Speaker 4: throw twenty dollars bills around. Well, I say shows over, folks,
Speaker 4: it's time to pull the plug on weather.
Speaker 1: Bulderdash.
Speaker 6: The federal government should stay out of the natural disaster business.
Speaker 6: Today they're controlling the weather and tomorrow who knows federal
Speaker 6: income tax I bet you and your friend Stalin would
Speaker 6: like that.
Speaker 4: You, sir, are an idiot, and I'll tell you why.
Speaker 4: It's time for those fat cats down in Washington to
Speaker 4: get off their keysters and pass legislation outlawing these hurricanes
Speaker 4: and tornadoes forever.
Speaker 1: Or maybe you just hate children, No, I hate you.
Speaker 6: If tornadoes are outlawed, then only outlaws will have tornadoes'.
Speaker 4: I'm curious, Steve, what's the weather like up your own ass? Clearly,
Speaker 4: clearly we must close our borders to undesirable foreign weather.
Speaker 1: All right, all right, you sir are a racist, damn right.
Speaker 4: And as a racist, I proposed a simple series of
Speaker 4: giant fans on the Mexican and Canadian borders. Maybe then
Speaker 4: Johnny would know how to read.
Speaker 1: Well, thank you very much. Stephen. You've just made me
Speaker 1: vomit in my own mouth.
Speaker 6: If people can't get tornadoes here, then they're just going
Speaker 6: to go down to Mexico, where there's no regulation at all.
Speaker 6: I say, keep tornadoes safe and legal. Bottom line, tornadoes
Speaker 6: kill people. No, no, no, Stephen, tornadoes don't kill people.
Speaker 1: Flying debris kills people.
Speaker 6: Shut up, shut up, shut up, beat dogs in ice cream.
Speaker 6: I'm Stephen, and I'm Stephen. And this was even Stephen, tragically.
Speaker 2: Lost in the hoop love. This year's political campaigns has
Speaker 2: been Halloween. It's being celebrated tomorrow evening. Here with their
Speaker 2: thoughts on this important national holiday, Steve Crow and Stephen
Speaker 2: Colbert with even Stephen, you've.
Speaker 1: Just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's the weather?
Speaker 1: Light up your own acts? Tonight's topic Halloween? No, yes, no.
Speaker 4: Every year the forces of darkness get a foothold in
Speaker 4: the minds of our children under the deceptive.
Speaker 1: Guys of all hallows.
Speaker 4: Eve Well, I say it's time to just say no
Speaker 4: to pagan rituals that lead our youngsters towards the pit
Speaker 4: of damnation.
Speaker 1: And anyone who feels otherwise is a minion of the
Speaker 1: dark Lord. Steve, Come on, Stephen.
Speaker 6: It's about kids dressing up one night a year, ringing
Speaker 6: doorbells for treats. And when you don't get what you want,
Speaker 6: you have toilet paper the house, maybe soak some windows,
Speaker 6: or set a few fires, and then drop a cement
Speaker 6: filled pumpkin off the overpass onto the windshields of an
Speaker 6: oncoming car. Stephen, it's about fun, It's about frolic it's
Speaker 6: about candy.
Speaker 4: Well, not content with poisoning the minds of our babies.
Speaker 1: The druidic cabal that runs.
Speaker 4: This Luciferian festival of death evidently also wants to pollute
Speaker 4: their bodies with refined sugars.
Speaker 1: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second, Steve.
Speaker 6: And surely, as a child you indulge in the occasional
Speaker 6: snickers bar or peanut butter cup.
Speaker 4: No, I eat carrot sticks, and my parents gave out
Speaker 4: little bags of apple sauce.
Speaker 1: Are you serious?
Speaker 6: Do you do you know what we used to do
Speaker 6: to people who gave out those healthy snacks?
Speaker 5: Yes, yes I did.
Speaker 6: Flaming bags of excrement were thrown at their houses.
Speaker 4: Do you know who had to clean that up the
Speaker 4: next day when the neighborhood girls were.
Speaker 6: Walking to school laughing at you and going, there's sticky Steve.
Speaker 1: Stephen. Uh, I'm gonna ask you something. Did you even
Speaker 1: trick or treat as a kid. That's not something my
Speaker 1: family did. We didn't. I'm sorry. Well that that must
Speaker 1: have been very hard.
Speaker 5: No, it's not at all. It's fine.
Speaker 1: You know what.
Speaker 6: I have some treats here. We're gonna have a little
Speaker 6: Halloween right here. Huh No, thank you.
Speaker 8: A couple of treats now, No, thank you? They cast cavity, Steve,
Speaker 8: I am not interested at all. What's that big one?
Speaker 7: The big one?
Speaker 6: Well, you have a good eye, my friend. This would
Speaker 6: be a butter finger.
Speaker 5: What do they do?
Speaker 6: Well, they crunch and then they get all chocolatey on you. Yeah,
Speaker 6: I want a butter finger.
Speaker 7: You know what?
Speaker 1: You want a butter finger? No, I don't thank you. No,
Speaker 1: ring my doorbell. I don't think ring the doorbell. I
Speaker 1: don't want to go ahead ding dong? Oh who could
Speaker 1: that be?
Speaker 7: Clump cump plump clump clump.
Speaker 6: Oh hey, how adorable?
Speaker 1: And who are you?
Speaker 5: A correspondent.
Speaker 1: And a very scary correspondent? What do you say?
Speaker 5: I don't know what do you say?
Speaker 1: You know what to say?
Speaker 5: I don't know what to do?
Speaker 6: Three little words I want can, no, no, no, you
Speaker 6: know the words?
Speaker 1: Go ahead, say the words.
Speaker 7: Tree, tree, chick or chee? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Oh, Halloween is an until tomorrow? Bye?
Speaker 5: I want candy.
Speaker 1: I'm Steve Carrell.
Speaker 5: I want the cannon.
Speaker 1: This has been even Stephen, I want.
Speaker 7: To be a veil fire.
Speaker 2: On the more pressing and important issues. The United States
Speaker 2: Senate is in the middle of a heated battle over
Speaker 2: legislation calling for a patient's Bill of Rights. Lost amidst
Speaker 2: the part of partisan bickering, however, is how this bill
Speaker 2: really affects the average American? So here to partisanally bicker
Speaker 2: over how this bill really affects the average American? Steve
Speaker 2: Carell and Stephen Colbert and even Stephen.
Speaker 6: You've just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's
Speaker 6: the weather like up your own acts?
Speaker 1: Tonight's subject is it time for a patient's bill of yes.
Speaker 1: No yes.
Speaker 6: The patient's bill of rights would guarantee consumers the right
Speaker 6: to sue their HMOs if they fail to provide critical care.
Speaker 6: This will finally shift the balance of power away from
Speaker 6: large bureaucratic solace institutions and give it.
Speaker 1: To law firms. That's good.
Speaker 6: And anyone who feels differently is a Nazi, Stephen, Well, Steve.
Speaker 1: If being a Nazi is wrong, I don't want to
Speaker 1: be right.
Speaker 4: This legislation is a prescription for a recipe for disaster.
Speaker 4: If bureaucrats at health maintenance organizations are constantly worrying about lawsuits,
Speaker 4: where will they find the time to play God with
Speaker 4: our lives? And if they don't play God, who will God?
Speaker 5: I don't think so.
Speaker 6: He's got bigger fish to fry. No one is playing
Speaker 6: God here, Steven. Sure it might be comforting to a
Speaker 6: patient dying from an HMO's negligence to think an old
Speaker 6: man and a white beard is going to dispense justice
Speaker 6: from on high. But the fact is we need the
Speaker 6: earthly justice of lawyers, for there is no divine justice,
Speaker 6: for there is no.
Speaker 5: God, no God, no God.
Speaker 1: First of all, HMO's are not the enemy. Second, no God.
Speaker 4: The fool says in his heart there is no God.
Speaker 4: But in this statement, is there not implied the far
Speaker 4: grander question, who is he who put us here that
Speaker 4: we may even doubt him?
Speaker 1: Steve? Behold the radiant beauty.
Speaker 4: Of existence and answer me this, Why is there something
Speaker 4: instead of nothing?
Speaker 7: Well?
Speaker 6: There you go again, Steven, not staying on topic. You're
Speaker 6: just afraid to admit that the working people of this country.
Speaker 1: Are an answer the question why is there something instead
Speaker 1: of nothing? Big bang? But who knew you and loved
Speaker 1: you even before the fires of creation? Let me just
Speaker 1: check my notes, Steve. Don't you see there is a
Speaker 1: deeper reality that transcends what you and I may debate
Speaker 1: here at this desk. Don't you know in your heart
Speaker 1: of hearts that we all bask in His eternal light? Yes,
Speaker 1: that ultimately we are one in the fathomless mind of God.
Speaker 4: Yes, And that what one man Steve Correll may or
Speaker 4: may not believe about the patient's bill of rights, a
Speaker 4: meaningless piece of paper, is ultimately.
Speaker 5: Meaningless. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I guess you're right.
Speaker 7: Yes, I'm right, you're wrong, and I'm right.
Speaker 9: I win, I win, I win.
Speaker 5: Whow no, but we are all one in the mind
Speaker 5: of God.
Speaker 10: But on earth, you're a loser and I'm a winner
Speaker 10: from the winner's circle. I'm Stephen Colman, I'm Steve Carrell,
Speaker 10: and this has been even Stephen, you lose.
Speaker 2: While Dan rather has shied away from breaking down the
Speaker 2: stem cell debate, You're at the Daily Show, will do
Speaker 2: no such thing. You're just shed so much needed light
Speaker 2: on the topic, Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell. With even Stephen, You've.
Speaker 1: Just made me vomit in my own mouth? What's the
Speaker 1: weather like up your own acts?
Speaker 6: Tennight's topic Dutch prostitutes. Do they deserve our mental protection?
Speaker 5: Yes?
Speaker 9: And what Yes?
Speaker 6: The Netherlands have long been known for its affordable, attractive
Speaker 6: and gracious.
Speaker 1: Who wait, wait, wait, wait, what are you talking about
Speaker 1: tonight's topic Dutch prostitutes? Yeah, no, no, no, that's not
Speaker 1: the topic. The topic is stem cell research. Don't think so?
Speaker 6: Wow, Okay, I'll bite. Why is tonight's topic stem cell research?
Speaker 1: Because that's what we agreed we're going to debate. We're
Speaker 1: going to debate the big issue on the front of
Speaker 1: the Sunday New York Times.
Speaker 5: Exactly.
Speaker 6: Yes, I've got it right here. It's the big canet
Speaker 6: A shot of this big article right there. Dutch prostitutes
Speaker 6: see that.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I thought it right above that.
Speaker 4: See the stem cell battles moving to Congress. This is
Speaker 4: this is it right here, John, We're doing stem cell
Speaker 4: research right. It's not Dutch prositut stem cells right.
Speaker 1: That was my Understandingay, great, fine, gang up on Steve day.
Speaker 1: We'll do stem cell research. I don't know what it is.
Speaker 1: I am for it. Why you read the article? You
Speaker 1: tell me?
Speaker 4: Well, is it possibly because stem cells are highly adaptable
Speaker 4: and transplantable, basic building blocks of human tissue that could
Speaker 4: someday lead to the cure of ms Parkinson's and Alzheimer's.
Speaker 1: Yes, that is exactly why, Stephen.
Speaker 6: Because unlike someone I could name, I am not a
Speaker 6: big fan of people dying. So I say, stem cell,
Speaker 6: stem cell stems, stem cell research, yes, neurological disorders no.
Speaker 1: Stephen, I know before you commit you there is an
Speaker 1: argument against stem cell research.
Speaker 6: Okay, here we go, mister, mister mcphacty head.
Speaker 1: I can't wait watch this. John is gonna really blow
Speaker 1: us all away.
Speaker 4: Go ahead, well, to obtain the best stem cells human
Speaker 4: embryos have to be destroyed, and some people fear that
Speaker 4: this could lead to a mass production of embryo genetic
Speaker 4: engineering and organ farming.
Speaker 6: Please, Steven, that is such a load of disturbing information
Speaker 6: that if you think about it and let it sink in,
Speaker 6: you will realize that I am against stem cell research,
Speaker 6: and I dare you to try to poke a hole
Speaker 6: in my ironclad argument. Beauchampce bonivon't bon apetite.
Speaker 1: Well, Steven.
Speaker 4: In fact, Steph, in fact, most of these embryos are
Speaker 4: going to come from fertility clinics and they're going to
Speaker 4: be destroyed anyway. So an argument could be made that
Speaker 4: this life saving research should be derived from what is
Speaker 4: already an unfortunate situation.
Speaker 1: Why don't we just do the Dutch prostitutes think?
Speaker 6: Come on and Steve, this is an important subject we
Speaker 6: have to debate. See if it's an emotional subject. Oh,
Speaker 6: I wouldn't a personal subject, Steve. All I'm saying is.
Speaker 4: That you're not alone and feeling torn about this. Okay,
Speaker 4: you can come on either side of the subject. And
Speaker 4: I suppose that ultimately there is no one and no
Speaker 4: way to objectively find out who is right and who
Speaker 4: is wrong.
Speaker 1: Dutch prostitute.
Speaker 7: Yeah, we are out of time.
Speaker 6: I'm Stephen Colbert, Steve Carell and even Stephen.
Speaker 2: There's a war going on out there, but there's also
Speaker 2: another battle being fought between the government and the members.
Speaker 7: Of the press.
Speaker 1: How much does the public need to know?
Speaker 5: Here?
Speaker 2: To answer that question? Are Steve Carell and Stephen Colbert?
Speaker 2: With even Stephen, You've just made me vomit in my
Speaker 2: own mouth?
Speaker 1: What's the weather? Life? Up your own asks?
Speaker 4: Should the United States government be more forthcoming to the
Speaker 4: media on the war in Afghanistan?
Speaker 1: Yes?
Speaker 6: No, Ari Fleischer and the White House are causing a
Speaker 6: communication breakdown of led zeppelinish proportions.
Speaker 1: Watch this. It's information that is classified in nature. I've
Speaker 1: said about all I'm going to say on this topic.
Speaker 1: I think we've exhausted this topic.
Speaker 4: This is about a half an hour brief, and we
Speaker 4: can spend all half hour on it if you like.
Speaker 6: He's stonewalling. But I'm not surprised you don't care about
Speaker 6: the freedom of the press. Is you've long used our
Speaker 6: constitution as a bum wipe.
Speaker 7: Steve.
Speaker 4: Let's not have this disintegrate into yet another series of
Speaker 4: personal attacks.
Speaker 1: Okay, Fatty, fair enough?
Speaker 6: The only reason you on the other bloodsuckers in the
Speaker 6: press ask questions that you know Ari Fleischer can't answer
Speaker 6: is to rattle his cage and get him accidentally saying
Speaker 6: something that could threaten national security. Well, if government officials
Speaker 6: don't give me the answers I need, I'm going to
Speaker 6: have to get them myself. Develop my own sources, check facts,
Speaker 6: write things down. I am a journalist, That's not my job.
Speaker 6: There are people out there whose job it is to
Speaker 6: do my job, and I'm not one of them. Is
Speaker 6: that so hard to understand?
Speaker 1: Steve?
Speaker 4: You need to understand that there are times that the
Speaker 4: best thing the government can do is to say nothing.
Speaker 1: Secrets aren't always bad. I mean there are things I
Speaker 1: don't tell you. Oh, you tell me everything. No, I
Speaker 1: don't like what I can't tell you. Well, does it
Speaker 1: involve you or me?
Speaker 5: Yes?
Speaker 9: Who?
Speaker 3: Me?
Speaker 2: Or you?
Speaker 1: Steve?
Speaker 4: We've exhausted this topic. Now are there any other questions?
Speaker 1: Uh?
Speaker 5: You?
Speaker 7: Yes?
Speaker 1: Steve Carell Daily Show? What are you talking about? What's
Speaker 1: the secret?
Speaker 5: Steve?
Speaker 4: All I can tell you is is that it is terrible.
Speaker 4: It is horrible, it is imminent, and it only involves you.
Speaker 4: And I can't tell you what it is. You're kidding, Yes,
Speaker 4: not really, Steve. The point is, in situations like this,
Speaker 4: the facts are just going to terrify the public. And
Speaker 4: if that's all the press can do, why don't we
Speaker 4: just make up our stories. Watch this justin evil clown
Speaker 4: with hook for hands spotted in woods behind Cabin fourteen
Speaker 4: at Camp Winnsauki. He's in the house, now, get out
Speaker 4: see not a single fact, but some poor sap living
Speaker 4: at thirteen sad Bastard Lane in Rubetown, USA is hanging
Speaker 4: on my every word.
Speaker 6: Steve YEA yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, No, it was
Speaker 6: just on. It was just on, like the clown with
Speaker 6: the hook.
Speaker 1: I just saw it. They just did a report. Why
Speaker 1: I don't know. He's in the house.
Speaker 6: You have to get out of the house, Steve, Honey.
Speaker 6: They said he was behind cabin fourteen.
Speaker 1: Are we close to that? I was just giving an exemptive,
Speaker 1: But come on, I'm dealing with the clown problem here. Okay,
Speaker 1: get in the game, Colbert.
Speaker 4: I'm Stephen Colbert, Steve Carell and this has been even Stephen, God,
Speaker 4: what is happening to.
Speaker 1: Our country.
Speaker 6: Now?
Speaker 2: Obviously the crisis in the Middle East is continuing to
Speaker 2: dominate the news here to bring so much needed perspective
Speaker 2: on that situation. Our senior pundit team, Steve Carell and
Speaker 2: Stephen Colbert with even Stephen.
Speaker 3: You have just made me vomit in my own mouth.
Speaker 3: What's the weather like up your own acts?
Speaker 5: Tonight's topic.
Speaker 4: Should the US sponsor piece talks in the Middle East?
Speaker 5: Yes?
Speaker 6: No, yes, Stephen. With great power comes great responsibility. As
Speaker 6: the warm, moist womb of liberty, the United States cannot
Speaker 6: shirk its duty to bring these two sides to the
Speaker 6: table or some other suitable piece of furniture.
Speaker 4: Steve, that's a stupid thing to say, and you're a
Speaker 4: stupid person for saying it. It's not the US's job
Speaker 4: to be the world's policeman, the world's fireman.
Speaker 6: Maybe policemen firemen. I think we can both agree. We'd
Speaker 6: have a big bushy mustache. The Israelis are our democratic allies,
Speaker 6: the sole democracy in the region.
Speaker 1: We must support them.
Speaker 4: Well, I'm not surprised that you would want to entangle
Speaker 4: the US and that quagmire, mister Stephen correllenbergo witsteinish sky bird.
Speaker 1: I don't follow, Yes, you do. The teachings of Moses.
Speaker 1: I'm not Jewish, You're not. No, I'm Catholic as am.
Speaker 1: I shut up?
Speaker 7: Seriously.
Speaker 1: Eleven brothers and sisters, Oh way, yeah, really, why are
Speaker 1: we ben talking about that?
Speaker 5: I don't know.
Speaker 1: I mean we're both Catholics, right, Seriously? The Jews and
Speaker 1: Muzzlim Arabs?
Speaker 5: Who cares? What do you want to do?
Speaker 9: I don't know.
Speaker 1: How about lightning round?
Speaker 7: Lightning ground? Lightning round? Invading Iraq?
Speaker 5: Now?
Speaker 1: Were next year?
Speaker 5: Now? Next year?
Speaker 1: Two thousand and four? Democrats gore or carry go? Carry go?
Speaker 1: Link or patty link?
Speaker 7: Patty?
Speaker 4: Did the Argentinian governments tying the value of the peso
Speaker 4: to the dollar lead to the current economic crisis.
Speaker 1: In Buenos Aires? Ye, Argentina?
Speaker 5: Where is that?
Speaker 1: I think it's in Mexico.
Speaker 4: Grandma's or grandpa's past pass, grandpa's pass. The pedophilia scandal
Speaker 4: in the Catholic Church.
Speaker 1: I don't see why we need to talk about. The
Speaker 1: church is gonna work it out, absolutely, wow. Eleven brothers
Speaker 1: and sisters. Jimmy Eddy Marmos. Next question, Yes or no? Yes?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 5: Yes?
Speaker 4: Does the French election signal the re emergence of fascism
Speaker 4: in Europe?
Speaker 3: We?
Speaker 5: No?
Speaker 1: We Finally, Steve, should we change the way we talk?
Speaker 4: Let's face it, this halting newsman cadence is both artificial
Speaker 4: and robotic, granted, but I'm afraid.
Speaker 1: We can't just do that, Steve. Like a shark. If
Speaker 1: we stop, we will die.
Speaker 6: I'm Stephen Colbert and I'm Steve Carell, and this has
Speaker 6: been even Stephen.
Speaker 5: For more insight on.
Speaker 2: The death tax issue, we turned to resident political pundits
Speaker 2: Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell with even Stephen, you just
Speaker 2: made me.
Speaker 1: Vomit on my own mouth? What's the weather like up
Speaker 1: your own acts? Is the death tax good for America?
Speaker 5: Yes?
Speaker 6: No, Yeaster day, I was beside myself with joy over
Speaker 6: last week's vote by the Senate to retain the death tax.
Speaker 1: It's a big revenue generator.
Speaker 6: That affects only the nation's wealthiest one percent. It sends
Speaker 6: a powerful social message that even the children of the
Speaker 6: very rich must make their own way in the world.
Speaker 6: But more than that, in the same way that taxes
Speaker 6: on smoking discourage smoking and taxes on drinking discourage drinking,
Speaker 6: hopefully this death tax will keep people from dying.
Speaker 1: It is a filthy habit and it has to stop.
Speaker 6: But I suppose you and your fat cat friends in
Speaker 6: Washington won't be happy till everybody's dead.
Speaker 4: Steve, the death tax is inherently unfair. It taxes the
Speaker 4: same money twice, once when you earn it and once
Speaker 4: more after you die. It goes against everything Americans, whole
Speaker 4: deer money. The point is, it's not It's not the
Speaker 4: dead who are going to suffer, unless, of course they've
Speaker 4: been sinful, then they'll burn forever in a lake of
Speaker 4: It is the living, rather, the children of the insanely wealthy,
Speaker 4: who will suffer by being rendered merely sanely wealthy. But
Speaker 4: tax away, Comrade Kirellovich, A grateful Motherland salutes you.
Speaker 5: Wow.
Speaker 1: You are taking this so personally, Steven.
Speaker 6: You'd think this was a tax on pompous windbags who
Speaker 6: make me sick, You fat.
Speaker 1: Ass, Steve.
Speaker 4: Let me give you a hypothetical example of someone who
Speaker 4: would be directly hurt by your regressive tax. Now, this
Speaker 4: person is not rich, but this person married someone because
Speaker 4: her father is. Hypothetically, now, this rich old bastard, whose daughter,
Speaker 4: by the way, has a face like a Hieronymous Bosh nightmare,
Speaker 4: was barely functioning when this person married her I'm talking
Speaker 4: catheter's iron lung bit. But against all rational expectations, he's
Speaker 4: hung on for seven years. It's like he's staying alive
Speaker 4: out of spite. You're saying, when that shriveled husk finally kicks,
Speaker 4: the government should get more than half of what's rightfully
Speaker 4: a person in my examples.
Speaker 6: Well, for now, under current law, the tax is scheduled
Speaker 6: to expire in twenty ten.
Speaker 1: Person in my example can't wait that long. All the
Speaker 1: nagging and the carping. I just I swear the person
Speaker 1: in my example is just gonna lose it.
Speaker 4: I'm sorry, I just get I just get so upset
Speaker 4: when I think about the person.
Speaker 1: In my example.
Speaker 6: Well, you know seven Sometimes the people in hypothetical examples
Speaker 6: just die.
Speaker 1: Yeah, That's what I'm saying.
Speaker 6: But no, no, no, you're not listening to me. Sometimes
Speaker 6: the people hypothetical examples just imaginary nurses can be bribed,
Speaker 6: Accidents can be postulated to have happened.
Speaker 5: Right now.
Speaker 6: Let's further speculate that an opportunistic associate was willing for
Speaker 6: say a million dollars.
Speaker 1: Five hundred thousand, eight seven seven fifty done.
Speaker 6: To facilitate this. Shall we say early retirement. What would
Speaker 6: the person in your example say to the person in
Speaker 6: my example.
Speaker 4: I think he'd say, let's do it. Oh, but the
Speaker 4: person in my example sell us to pay the damn
Speaker 4: death tax.
Speaker 1: Well, half a buttload is still butt load. Yeah, all right,
Speaker 1: all right, you make a strong all right man.
Speaker 4: I might have to uh concede this one as long
Speaker 4: as this argument can never be traced back to me.
Speaker 1: I'm Stephen Colbert and I'm Steve Carell, and this even
Speaker 1: Stephen never happened? What even Stephen?
Speaker 5: Exactly?
Speaker 2: The run of the Republican nomination has George Bush and
Speaker 2: John McCain mired an assesspool of mutual character assassination. Tonight,
Speaker 2: our two senior pundits go head to head on the
Speaker 2: issue of negative campaigning. In even Stephen, do you think
Speaker 2: that you're an idiot?
Speaker 4: You're a total freak, smear tactics, dirty pool, taking the
Speaker 4: low road.
Speaker 1: Is this what American politics should be? Yes?
Speaker 6: No, yes, let's face it, Stephen, politics have become a bore.
Speaker 6: Less than thirty percent of Americans vote, and most of
Speaker 6: them are drunk or bust in by the Chinese to
Speaker 6: do their bidding.
Speaker 1: Steve stooping to the lowest common denominator.
Speaker 4: Isn't the answer? I could say and get all sorts
Speaker 4: of attention. But shouldn't we hold our leaders to a
Speaker 4: higher standard? What about campaign financial form? What about out
Speaker 4: soft money? What about school vouchers?
Speaker 1: Sorry I faded away there for a second. What were
Speaker 1: you saying about? You're just proving my point, Steve.
Speaker 4: Negative campaigning has denigrated the political process.
Speaker 1: Look, this is nothing new.
Speaker 6: Stephen Douglas once referred to Abraham Lincoln as a fussy scoundrel,
Speaker 6: while Lincoln shot back with accusations of skullduggery. Harsh words.
Speaker 6: But that's politics as usual. Political figures are fair game.
Speaker 1: Any any public figure is fair game.
Speaker 6: Any public or political figure. Really, you heard it here first,
Speaker 6: rolland Scottie.
Speaker 4: We all know Steve Carell as a fourth Right Square
Speaker 4: job correspondent, But what you may not know is that
Speaker 4: his real name is Caroselli. This Johnny cumlately anglophile is
Speaker 4: running from a Mediterranean past.
Speaker 1: He may tell you the news, but he.
Speaker 4: Would probably prefer to tell you I like it a
Speaker 4: spicy on me, Steve Carrell, He's not who you think
Speaker 4: pay for By Stephen Colbert, what what was what do
Speaker 4: you what was that? A completely unfair profile, and so
Speaker 4: is this Steve Carrell never served a single day of
Speaker 4: active military duty during the Spanish American War just because
Speaker 4: it ended in eighteen ninety eight is too easy In answer, Steve,
Speaker 4: Steve Carell, he's a coward pay for by Stephen Colbert.
Speaker 1: I don't tell you why.
Speaker 5: I wait a second.
Speaker 2: You're debating, and I think you've definitely crossed the line, Stephen,
Speaker 2: And I don't mean to interrupt, but.
Speaker 4: Oh, don't you John, John Stewart isn't even supposed to
Speaker 4: be in this segment, but there he is. He should
Speaker 4: mind his own bees wax, John Stewart, He's a nosy
Speaker 4: nelly paid for by.
Speaker 11: Me, Stephen.
Speaker 2: I uh, it's not much of an attack.
Speaker 1: I don't know, John. It's testing pretty well with Catholics.
Speaker 4: And you know what, you know what, now that I
Speaker 4: think of it, I guess there is a place for
Speaker 4: character assassination in politics.
Speaker 11: So I.
Speaker 1: So I win, yes, no, yes, I'm Stephen Colbert.
Speaker 6: And I'm Steve Carcel Carrel.
Speaker 1: And this has been even it's Stephen.
Speaker 2: You know. Scholars and historians may well debate Bill Clinton's
Speaker 2: presidency for centuries, but here to do it in two
Speaker 2: and a half minutes, our own Steve Carell and Stephen
Speaker 2: Colbert with even Stephen.
Speaker 1: You just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's
Speaker 1: the weather like?
Speaker 5: Up your own acts?
Speaker 1: Have the Clinton years been good for America?
Speaker 5: Yes? No, yay.
Speaker 6: In nineteen ninety two our country was in a severe
Speaker 6: economic recession. Eight years of unprecedented prosperity. Later, America is
Speaker 6: richer and stronger than it has ever been. And the
Speaker 6: man responsible William Jefferson Clinton.
Speaker 4: Oh, come off, it's Steve Allen Greenspan runs this economy,
Speaker 4: not Bill Clinton. The only thing Bill Clinton has brought
Speaker 4: us these last eight years is moral turpitude and national shame.
Speaker 1: Two words.
Speaker 6: Stephen dow ten thousand, Whitewater, welfare reform, Monica Gates, eight
Speaker 6: years of peace.
Speaker 7: Shut the fuck up, Shut up, shut up, Shut up. God,
Speaker 7: your voice is like a jackal picking out my brain.
Speaker 5: I hate you.
Speaker 7: I hate who you are and what you do and
Speaker 7: how you sound and what you say. You're like a
Speaker 7: cancer on my life.
Speaker 11: God, Well that was ugly and humiliating.
Speaker 1: You feel any better.
Speaker 5: Now, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: I'm just I'm just tired and and I'm upset. About Clinton.
Speaker 6: Every time we fight, it's because of Clinton or the
Speaker 6: economy or NAFTA. I don't think the problem is out there.
Speaker 6: I think the problem is right here, and I think
Speaker 6: we need to talk about it.
Speaker 1: We don't have a problem. Okay, we're fine. Okay, you're fine,
Speaker 1: You're great. Don't your arguments just don't Okay.
Speaker 6: You know, I've been giving this some thought, and well,
Speaker 6: maybe we need to commentate with other people.
Speaker 1: For me, have you been working with CNN's Robert Novak.
Speaker 1: Bob appreciates me. I can smell him on you. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna I'm gonna kill him. No, you know what, Bob
Speaker 1: has control of his anger. He doesn't lash out. Steven.
Speaker 1: Look at me, Steve, look at me, Look at me.
Speaker 1: You have a problem.
Speaker 6: And until you can get control of that anger, I
Speaker 6: just don't think we can be together.
Speaker 1: Steve, Steven, you can't do this. Coochie and I never fight.
Speaker 1: We love each other.
Speaker 7: You've gotta find the love.
Speaker 1: You know something. Maybe ABC Sam Donaldson is.
Speaker 5: You know, maybe he is?
Speaker 1: Askoo Sam Donaldson. I I hate you.
Speaker 4: I'm Steve Correll, I'm Stephen Colbert and this has been
Speaker 4: eden Stephen.
Speaker 2: With the recent rejection of two pieces of legislation, dear
Speaker 2: to President Clinton's heart campaign finance reform and the Nuclear
Speaker 2: Test Ban treaty. Many observers are wondering whether the Republican
Speaker 2: controlled Congress is deliberately trying to diminish the President's legacy.
Speaker 2: And what better way to understand the issue than to
Speaker 2: have two pundits of violently opposing viewpoints disagree with each other.
Speaker 6: You've just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's
Speaker 6: the weather like up your own acts.
Speaker 7: Tonight?
Speaker 1: Are the Republicans out to get Bill Clinton?
Speaker 5: Yes?
Speaker 6: No, yes, Stephen, the Republicans are trying to humiliate Bill Clinton.
Speaker 6: Unless you would have us believe that the right wing
Speaker 6: is legitimately anti fiscal responsibility and pro radiation?
Speaker 4: Do you think us blind, blind as masturbating bats with glaucoma?
Speaker 6: What my esteem colleague on the left fails to realize
Speaker 6: is neither Bill serves this country's interests or enjoys widespread support.
Speaker 6: You know, Stephen, penicillin can cure syphilis before it infects
Speaker 6: your brain. The campaign finance bill was in fact co
Speaker 6: sponsored by Republican Senator John McCain, and the Nuclear test
Speaker 6: Ban treaty was backed by nearly every major world leader
Speaker 6: and international scientist.
Speaker 1: Oh really, well, then, Steve.
Speaker 5: You're right.
Speaker 1: Listen to yourself, Stephen, you're up there and you're ivory
Speaker 1: towt what you're right. I completely forgot about McCain. See.
Speaker 1: Based on that, I can see how you you thought
Speaker 1: that you know the Republicans are out to get him?
Speaker 1: Can you?
Speaker 9: Yes?
Speaker 1: Well, very well, then good.
Speaker 5: I win. Yeah, it looks like it.
Speaker 1: May I speak to you for a minute.
Speaker 6: We're being paid to argue here, okay, and you a
Speaker 6: green with me is not going to put food on
Speaker 6: the table.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. So once you just ratchet
Speaker 1: it up a little bit, Okay, you.
Speaker 5: Drop this.
Speaker 1: Now?
Speaker 6: Is the room spinning or is the rapid waffling of
Speaker 6: the spineless GOP Congress making me dizzy? Maybe you'd vote
Speaker 6: for murder if you thought it would embarrass the president?
Speaker 1: Well, I think that's an exact duration, but I can
Speaker 1: see how you'd feel that way.
Speaker 9: Okay, I got a level with you.
Speaker 6: As job is, you go everywhere, well for me and
Speaker 6: this debate thing, it's like the only thing I've got going.
Speaker 6: And when you agree with me, no, still shush me
Speaker 6: when when you agree with me, it makes it impossible
Speaker 6: for me to say anything back to you.
Speaker 1: I don't even know what I don't even what to say.
Speaker 5: I agree what you want me to do.
Speaker 1: It's it's okay, what do you What do you want
Speaker 1: me to say?
Speaker 5: What do you want me to say?
Speaker 1: I disagree with me? Okay, I think you're wrong, insult me.
Speaker 1: I think you're an ass.
Speaker 5: You don't really mean that, I do? I do?
Speaker 1: I think you're an ass? Oh? Is that a smile?
Speaker 5: Smile?
Speaker 1: Use you, young liar?
Speaker 5: Do you have a smile? Yes, we do.
Speaker 6: I'm Stephen Colbert and I'm Stephen Carrell and this has
Speaker 6: been even Stephen. Explore more shows from the Daily Show
Speaker 6: podcast universe by searching The Daily Show wherever.
Speaker 7: You get your podcasts.
Speaker 6: Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central
Speaker 6: on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount
Speaker 6: plus
Speaker 1: Paramount Podcasts