Speaker 1: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space. Your name
Speaker 1: carries energy before you into a room, and eventually who
Speaker 1: you are will matter more than how impressive you looked
Speaker 1: online or even just from the outside right, like from
Speaker 1: seeing you as superficially.
Speaker 2: Yes, and reputation can change. Like we said before, reputation
Speaker 2: can change, but character is the thing that's generally constant
Speaker 2: in us. Hey, lady, have you ever felt like the
Speaker 2: world just doesn't get you? Well, we do.
Speaker 1: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, the podcast dedicated to uplifting
Speaker 1: and empowering women like you.
Speaker 2: We're your hosts, doctor Dominique Brussard and educator and psychologists.
Speaker 1: And Terry Lomax, a techie and transformational speaker.
Speaker 2: Join us every week for authentic conversations about everything from
Speaker 2: fibroids to fake frind As we create space for black
Speaker 2: women to just b Before.
Speaker 1: We dive in, make sure you hit that follow button
Speaker 1: and leave us a quick five star review. Lady, We
Speaker 1: are black founded and black owned, and your support will
Speaker 1: help us reach even more women like you.
Speaker 2: Now, let's get into this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.
Speaker 2: It's doctor dom here from the Cultivating her Space podcast.
Speaker 2: Are you currently a resident of the state of California
Speaker 2: and contemplating starting your therapy journey. Well, if so, please
Speaker 2: reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com.
Speaker 2: That's d R D O M I N I q
Speaker 2: U E b R O U ss ar D dot
Speaker 2: com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. I look
Speaker 2: forward to hearing from you.
Speaker 1: Of the day.
Speaker 2: The reality is people are human. People make mistakes, but
Speaker 2: we also have to learn how to protect ourselves, trust
Speaker 2: ourselves and move with wisdom. All right, I'm gonna say
Speaker 2: that one more time for the folks in the back.
Speaker 2: The reality is people are human. People make mistakes, but
Speaker 2: we also have to learn how to protect ourselves, trust
Speaker 2: ourselves and move with wisdom.
Speaker 1: Aim into that. Listen what comes it? Is something coming
Speaker 1: up for you around the quote.
Speaker 2: Yeah, uh, it's I mean, I feel like it's self explanatory.
Speaker 2: But I think the thing that I want to emphasize
Speaker 2: is we are human like from the person that you
Speaker 2: think the most about that you have on the highest
Speaker 2: of five pedestals. And we talked about pedestals last week.
Speaker 2: If you haven't listened the last week's episode, pause this one.
Speaker 2: Go listen to the last week's episode and then come back
Speaker 2: to the person that you think the worst of and
Speaker 2: everybody in between. We are all human.
Speaker 1: That's it, Mike Drop, All right, let's get into it.
Speaker 1: So last week we started a very important conversation about reputation, character, integrity,
Speaker 1: and why our reputation matters more than ever, especially in
Speaker 1: this age. And honestly, that conversation, it was so it
Speaker 1: was so rich, and it we kind of went deeper
Speaker 1: than we expected, and so we wanted to come back
Speaker 1: with the part two. So, as Dom said, if you
Speaker 1: have not listened to part one yet, go back listen,
Speaker 1: check it out, and then join us here. But today
Speaker 1: we're going to dive into discernment, and we're talking about
Speaker 1: knowing how and who to trust, accountability without dehumanization, and
Speaker 1: what it means to leave room for growth in a
Speaker 1: world where people are constantly again they can put on
Speaker 1: pedalstols and publicly torn down because like you said, Dom,
Speaker 1: yes we all make or yes, we're all human and
Speaker 1: we make mistakes and it is still important for us
Speaker 1: to protect ourselves. Like just because someone it's just so
Speaker 1: much nuance there, right, like, yes we are human, Yes
Speaker 1: we all make mistakes, and if someone's a repeat offender
Speaker 1: and they keep doing the same thing over and over,
Speaker 1: or they show you their character or who they are
Speaker 1: or who they are deciding to be on a consistent basis,
Speaker 1: we need to make some decisions, right And so we're
Speaker 1: gonna talk right about We're going to dive right into
Speaker 1: how to know who to trust because it's getting tough
Speaker 1: out here in these streets right with AI. And I
Speaker 1: was telling Dom that I saw this video on the
Speaker 1: use of Tube and the YouTube where it was like
Speaker 1: an ad and it was it looked like Oprah, But
Speaker 1: I just you know how AI right now still has
Speaker 1: that funny it's like a little little funky voice to it.
Speaker 1: I knew it wasn't Oprah. We many of us have
Speaker 1: watched Open since we were kids. I know it was
Speaker 1: an open but they were promoting a product with her likeness,
Speaker 1: and I was just like, how is this legal? Number one?
Speaker 1: It's probably not, so I don't know how they're doing it,
Speaker 1: But that's that's pretty scary.
Speaker 2: It is really scary. And I think the thing is
Speaker 2: is that even with the rise of AI taking over
Speaker 2: people's image and likeness, even outside of that, even before that,
Speaker 2: it was still important for us to understand how to
Speaker 2: trust the people around us that we interact with in
Speaker 2: real life.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: So for me, when I think about like the people
Speaker 2: who are trustworthy, right, I know that I can trust
Speaker 2: you if you are consistent, if and consistent. And here's
Speaker 2: the thing I want to say. With that consistency, you
Speaker 2: can be consistent at being shitty like you can be
Speaker 2: a not so good person. You can treat people not
Speaker 2: you cannot treat people well. Yeah, and if that's what
Speaker 2: you consistently do, I trust that I trust you. Trusting
Speaker 2: you doesn't mean that I agree with you, that I
Speaker 2: actually or that I like who you are. What it
Speaker 2: means is that at least in this consistency piece, I
Speaker 2: can trust. I can trust you in that your behavior's
Speaker 2: behavior that I don't rock with because you're consistent with it.
Speaker 2: Right now, the type of trustworthy people that we want
Speaker 2: to spend time around insistent in the good things that
Speaker 2: they do. They admit to their mistakes, They treat people
Speaker 2: well in private, They are open to accountability, they don't
Speaker 2: need to perform this level of superiority in line with that,
Speaker 2: they have humility, and they have alignments in their words
Speaker 2: actions and values.
Speaker 1: Those are good. Yeah, I like that. I was just
Speaker 1: gonna say from what you shared, they were all really great.
Speaker 1: And the one that really stood out to me and
Speaker 1: think about personal experience is people who do what they
Speaker 1: say they're going to do right, Like you know what
Speaker 1: to expect. I know that you're accountable but also dependable.
Speaker 1: And I think this is a great time for us
Speaker 1: as individuals, like as humans in this day and age,
Speaker 1: to think about what makes me trust someone, because when
Speaker 1: you see that inconsistency right, or you see the consistency
Speaker 1: in the wrong areas, then you know that, oh, let
Speaker 1: me make some moves. Because we talked about the some
Speaker 1: previous episodes. Now maybe I'm traumatized, but I'm thinking about
Speaker 1: a certain situation of someone who looked good. They were
Speaker 1: fun to be around, there was a good time. I
Speaker 1: had a good time we them, if you know what
Speaker 1: I mean. But they were consistently inconsistent and their words
Speaker 1: did not match the actions. And so I think sometimes
Speaker 1: we can get emotionally and I'm not just talking about relationships,
Speaker 1: but this could this could be you know, it could
Speaker 1: be anything. Right, we get emotionally invested into something and
Speaker 1: even when we see those green flags are not there.
Speaker 1: We're still just like I'm moving ahead. I'm just going
Speaker 1: to keep on going right, And a lot of times
Speaker 1: there are consequences to that, right, and I see them.
Speaker 1: Got to be right one hundred percent of the time.
Speaker 1: But when we don't follow that good or you know,
Speaker 1: something something doesn't feel right here, we end up having
Speaker 1: consequences ultimately because of because of those things.
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, And I think the thing that I you know,
Speaker 2: a couple of others that I want to add to
Speaker 2: this is a person. We can tell that a person
Speaker 2: is trustworthy when they're also when they're open, right, So
Speaker 2: they are open to feedback. Doesn't necessarily mean that they
Speaker 2: like the feedback, right, That's a difference, but they're they're
Speaker 2: open to it. They're they're open to new like new experiences.
Speaker 2: They are open to vulnerability. Though, to me, those are
Speaker 2: other signs that a person is trustworthy. Do are they
Speaker 2: ethical in how they behave right? Are they kind and
Speaker 2: respectful and caring to the people around them? How do
Speaker 2: they treat people that have that they have nothing to
Speaker 2: gain from?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Those are good, Those are great. I love them.
Speaker 1: And then we're going to talk about some red flags. Okay,
Speaker 1: so and again, I think we're kind of giving you
Speaker 1: just ideas on what we value, but you have to
Speaker 1: think about what you value because you might we may
Speaker 1: have differing perspectives. But I know a red flag for
Speaker 1: me is like an overmanaged identity, right, like always obsessing
Speaker 1: about perception but not really focused on the substance, right
Speaker 1: Like I know many people who are like, oh, everything
Speaker 1: has to just look. And don't get me wrong, I
Speaker 1: like to think to look a certain way, but I
Speaker 1: also like to be able to make sure what's below
Speaker 1: the surface is also in order. And so people who
Speaker 1: are just constantly, you know, obsessed with that outside image
Speaker 1: but not necessarily what's happening behind the scenes, you know,
Speaker 1: so committed to looking good but not necessarily being good
Speaker 1: whatever good is. Of course, I would say always performing
Speaker 1: expertise to someone, all always needing to be you know,
Speaker 1: sounding right, or always just not being able to admit
Speaker 1: like I don't know, you know, it's like you ever
Speaker 1: see you ever talk to someone and they just pull
Speaker 1: you see them, they just pulling shit out their ass,
Speaker 1: they just poured out and you're like, I know what
Speaker 1: you're saying, some bullshit, but you just because you can't
Speaker 1: say that you don't know, you just got to make
Speaker 1: some shit up. Yeah, And it's like I don't trust
Speaker 1: it like that, I don't sit right with me right,
Speaker 1: lacking accountability what you talked about before, like always being
Speaker 1: a victim or blaming other people and ability to apologize,
Speaker 1: and in interpersonal relationships time I will. In a particular relationship,
Speaker 1: I asked the question, like, what areas for improvement do
Speaker 1: you have? I think that's a very interesting question to
Speaker 1: ask someone just to see what comes up. How do
Speaker 1: you see yourself right? Like are you always right? And
Speaker 1: the person answered answer the question. I was just like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't know. That seems like a red flag, like
Speaker 1: you don't have nothing, you have nothing you can improve
Speaker 1: upon every everything that went wrong in other relationships was
Speaker 1: always the other person. I don't know, Yeah, I don't
Speaker 1: know that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's yeah, that's the problem.
Speaker 1: Inconsistency. We talked about this a bit, but treating people
Speaker 1: smaller or people who can't who don't appear to be
Speaker 1: able to do you any good or benefit treating them poorly.
Speaker 1: I mean that right, there is a huge red flag
Speaker 1: to me, like, yes, what are we doing right?
Speaker 2: And I think you know and I think the thing
Speaker 2: to remember is that it's about paying attention to the patterns, yes,
Speaker 2: and not like looking for the patterns and not like
Speaker 2: one offs, right, because again, we are all human. They're
Speaker 2: there may be someone who is truly trustworthy that consistently
Speaker 2: admits to mistakes. They treat people well privately, but then
Speaker 2: they have one day, one moment where they don't take
Speaker 2: accountability for something, like you're pointing out something that they
Speaker 2: didn't do well or where they might have hurt your feelings,
Speaker 2: or you know, you're pointing something out to them, and
Speaker 2: in that instance, they're not taking accountability. Right. Does this
Speaker 2: mean that now all of a sudden we can never
Speaker 2: trust this person? Not necessarily. Let's step back and look
Speaker 2: at the look at the person as a whole. What's
Speaker 2: their general pattern. Do they generally take accountability for things?
Speaker 2: Are they generally a consistent person, or are you still
Speaker 2: just getting to know them. There's not been enough time
Speaker 2: for you to make that decision whether or not they
Speaker 2: truly are trustworthy, And so now you have to hold
Speaker 2: off on making a decision about their trustworthiness because this
Speaker 2: is maybe this is the first instance where you've asked
Speaker 2: them to take accountability and they didn't do it because
Speaker 2: we don't have enough time with them, and this is
Speaker 2: the first instance. We don't know if this is how
Speaker 2: they normally get down.
Speaker 1: But it's like a mental note, you know, right, right,
Speaker 1: proceed with caution, yes exactly. I want to get your
Speaker 1: perspective on something. I just thought about this. So the
Speaker 1: other thing I want to say first is the other
Speaker 1: thing to note, tire, is that everyone is not going
Speaker 1: to be your cup of tea, and you're not going
Speaker 1: to be everyone's cup of tea. And that's okay, Like
Speaker 1: it is okay for you to see someone's content or
Speaker 1: to hear someone's perspective and be like, oh, okay, that's interesting.
Speaker 1: That's a different perspective. I don't really that doesn't seem
Speaker 1: like my person or my people, you know, like my vibe. Right,
Speaker 1: So probably not going to file them, Probably just skip
Speaker 1: that content. So speaking of that, I saw this guy.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna say ny names. I don't even know
Speaker 1: this man's name, but hopefully this doesn't become a thing.
Speaker 1: But it's just something I saw social media that thought
Speaker 1: was very interesting and I'm going to dive into it.
Speaker 1: So basically, I saw this guy and I'm gonna give
Speaker 1: you a summary of what he said at this conference.
Speaker 1: I think it was like a relationship panel or something,
Speaker 1: and he was stating that he how some women they
Speaker 1: think they're special because men treat them a certain way.
Speaker 1: And what he was saying is like, I bring everybody
Speaker 1: to meet my mom, I bring everybody to meet my kids.
Speaker 1: I take everyone to Paris. I suck everybody's told everybody
Speaker 1: booty Like he was just going in like all the
Speaker 1: things he does. He's like, I do this to everybody
Speaker 1: because I'm rich and blah blah blah, and there was
Speaker 1: more to it, but and hearing that perspective, I saw
Speaker 1: some woman commenting on that, and they have perspectives. And
Speaker 1: as someone who I think, I've seen this content before,
Speaker 1: and from what I saw before, I thought was content.
Speaker 1: From what I recalled, I thought it was like decent
Speaker 1: content you just scrolling. But after hearing that perspective, there's
Speaker 1: a couple of things. One it seems like he was
Speaker 1: being radically honest, which is like, hey, if that's how
Speaker 1: you get down, that's how we get down too. Something
Speaker 1: about it was just like ugh, like it was just
Speaker 1: like I don't know something about it just didn't. I
Speaker 1: can't put my finger on it, but it didn't sit
Speaker 1: well with me. I was just like, okay, And so
Speaker 1: that's an example. I want to see what your perspective
Speaker 1: is on just that whole interaction of like scrolling seeing someone,
Speaker 1: this is what they share? What do you? What comes
Speaker 1: up for you?
Speaker 2: And you hear that dom So the first thing that
Speaker 2: comes up is I need more I need more context
Speaker 2: on how they engage in other situations, right, and before
Speaker 2: I make a judgment on who they are, whether or
Speaker 2: not they're a trustworthy person, right, Because I think that's
Speaker 2: the question that we're asking, like is this person trustworthy? Right?
Speaker 2: In terms of like the comment that he shared about
Speaker 2: dating and treating every woman the same. My initial thought
Speaker 2: is that in as society, in dating culture, a lot
Speaker 2: of US millennials and older, not so much gen Z millennials,
Speaker 2: because gen Z has been shaped differently. Right, Millennials and older,
Speaker 2: we were socialized to believe that a man is going
Speaker 2: to treat the woman that he wants to marry, that
Speaker 2: he intends to marry in to at a higher standard
Speaker 2: than he's going to treat other women that he dates. Yeah,
Speaker 2: and so I could I can understand where, oh, he
Speaker 2: treats everybody equally, everybody exactly the same. I could see
Speaker 2: where that may feel problematic hearing it right, I'd be
Speaker 2: curious though, One, if he actually does that, h right, Like,
Speaker 2: that's my first point of curiosity. Does he actually treat
Speaker 2: every single woman the same?
Speaker 1: And two?
Speaker 2: If he treats every single woman exactly the same, are
Speaker 2: we then saying that?
Speaker 1: Like?
Speaker 2: Are we saying are what is the judgment that we're
Speaker 2: making on his trustworthiness if he's treating every woman exactly
Speaker 2: the same. Because to me, based on how we understand trustworthiness,
Speaker 2: I would trust him if he is truly being honest
Speaker 2: that he treats every woman that he dates exactly the same.
Speaker 2: I Mean, my next joint of curiosity would be, are
Speaker 2: you telling all of the women that you are seeing
Speaker 2: other women and they are all getting the same treatment?
Speaker 1: Yeah? I appreciate you sharing that though, because I feel
Speaker 1: like you just walked us through a really like a
Speaker 1: nice an interesting process and journey of like a pair
Speaker 1: of social relationship where like, you see someone's content, you
Speaker 1: may want to make a quick snap judgment, and then
Speaker 1: you kind of go through this process of like, oh, okay,
Speaker 1: like are they trust. Well, maybe I don't aquae with
Speaker 1: what he said or even me like it kind of
Speaker 1: made me feel awake. I'm like, well, if you know,
Speaker 1: this is my thought, like if you know that, women
Speaker 1: are going to feel special or they're going to probably
Speaker 1: be more clingy or you know, just like you more
Speaker 1: because you're doing these things and you're doing that, it's
Speaker 1: like that kind of doesn't seem cool. But then at
Speaker 1: the same time, you are being honest, you are being upfront.
Speaker 1: Like I've had men who have been upfront like this,
Speaker 1: this is what I want, this is what I'm trying
Speaker 1: to do, and it's like, you got to respect the honesty.
Speaker 1: So I want to bring that up. But I appreciate
Speaker 1: the process that you walk through to get to like, oh,
Speaker 1: how do I feel about this? And at the same time,
Speaker 1: I think we can resonate with someone's content and not
Speaker 1: be a fan of the person, right, or we could
Speaker 1: be a fan of the person and not necessarily resonate
Speaker 1: with the content. Or I agree with what they said.
Speaker 1: I think this is just a reminder of like we
Speaker 1: get to make the decision, but these are some of
Speaker 1: the things to consider when we're consuming the content, and
Speaker 1: like just because we disagree with someone doesn't mean they're
Speaker 1: a bad person. Right. We're all entitled to our own
Speaker 1: perspectives based on our lived experience. So I appreciate you.
Speaker 2: Sharing exactly exactly, and I think you know and I
Speaker 2: think also to the first thing that I pointed out, right,
Speaker 2: is I need more context. Yes, that in order to
Speaker 2: determine whether someone truly is trustworthy. It's not made in
Speaker 2: a snap judgment, because if I'm seeing just that one
Speaker 2: snippet of content, I can make all kinds of assumptions
Speaker 2: about that person that might not even be accurate. It's
Speaker 2: needing the whole content, needing bigger context and asking questions,
Speaker 2: getting curious. And then but when it comes to people
Speaker 2: that we're meeting, like in real life, it's if we
Speaker 2: can't make a snap judgment off of someone that we
Speaker 2: interacted with for five minutes, that it's helpful to give
Speaker 2: it some time, have multiple interactions in various settings to
Speaker 2: then determine is this a trustworthy person?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: I think particularly also like when it comes to dating, right,
Speaker 2: that as you are trying to determine is this potential
Speaker 2: is this partner or a trustworthy person, it's looking at
Speaker 2: their actions it's looking at are they consistent all the
Speaker 2: things that we mentioned before, but it's also paying attention
Speaker 2: to the stories that they tell you about their past
Speaker 2: right or how they spend their day right, Like, are
Speaker 2: the stories that they're sharing with you? Are they taking accountability?
Speaker 2: Do they have some level of humility? How are they
Speaker 2: treating people from all walks of life that they encounter?
Speaker 2: Are they generally consistent? Are there behaviors and words aligned
Speaker 2: with their values? Do those things also match up with
Speaker 2: what you're looking for in a partner. Those are ways
Speaker 2: in which you can start to see is this person trustworthy?
Speaker 1: Those are good? I love that a lot. Hey lady,
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Speaker 1: And that contacts us onto accountability, right, accountability with out dehumanization.
Speaker 1: This is a big one because I feel like we
Speaker 1: are just especially in the world of social media, like
Speaker 1: people see something and then you just they just like
Speaker 1: no forgiveness. It seems like ever, right, and in order
Speaker 1: to hold on accountabit accountable. I think you can hold
Speaker 1: them accountable, but also you can they deserve humanity at
Speaker 1: the same time, you know what I mean. Yes, it's
Speaker 1: like we can do both. Yeah, this is yeah, this
Speaker 1: is complex. What do you think about this one?
Speaker 2: So I think that to your point, like, yes, both
Speaker 2: are necessary. And when we see someone doing something that
Speaker 2: is inappropriate, illegal, unethical, whatever the word is that we
Speaker 2: want that we're using to describe their particular behavior, the
Speaker 2: internet is an easy place for folks to be. I
Speaker 2: don't even I can't the word is not the word
Speaker 2: is escaping me right now. But you know we can
Speaker 2: be we we can be harsh and aggressive. Yeah, and
Speaker 2: I mean we as people in general can be harsh
Speaker 2: and aggressive when we are behind hiding behind a screen, Twitter,
Speaker 2: Twitter fingers, internet thugs, whatever word we want to use
Speaker 2: to describe it, we are. We can be very harsh
Speaker 2: and aggressive in ways that we would not be in
Speaker 2: real life for sure. And so I think that's where
Speaker 2: the dehumanization comes into play. That, like, it is easy
Speaker 2: for us to because we have held people when we're
Speaker 2: dealing with social media content or just Internet content in general,
Speaker 2: because we have held content creators, celebrities to higher stands,
Speaker 2: to put them on pedestals and all the things we not.
Speaker 2: By doing so, we are treating them as if they
Speaker 2: aren't human, and that pulls away from the expectation of
Speaker 2: them being quote unquote normal, right like the rest of us. Right. Yeah,
Speaker 2: And so then what happens is is when they do
Speaker 2: something wrong or something that in the court of public
Speaker 2: opinion is a problem, then all of a sudden, we
Speaker 2: get hot with those Twitter fingers and everybody's going in
Speaker 2: because now we've put this person in a place, put
Speaker 2: this person on a pedestal, and we no longer treat
Speaker 2: them as if they are human. So we just assume
Speaker 2: that they can take all the vitriol that we are
Speaker 2: as a public tossing at them. Yeah, and we expect
Speaker 2: them to be able to all of a sudden, with
Speaker 2: all of that vitrioll being tossed at them, take accountability
Speaker 2: for what they did wrong.
Speaker 1: Yeah, there's a lot that. I mean, we've seen many
Speaker 1: people get dragged on social media. We lived through cancel culture,
Speaker 1: and the interesting I think about me, like or you dom,
Speaker 1: if we were to experience that we are human, like
Speaker 1: you said, We're human at the end of the day.
Speaker 1: So dragging people and commenting all this negativity and people
Speaker 1: another human seeing that constantly, it can be very It
Speaker 1: can be very destructive, right, it can be. And I
Speaker 1: think accountability it should not require public destruction, Like there's
Speaker 1: ideally right, there should be a world where we can state,
Speaker 1: you know, this person did this, this isn't right. You know,
Speaker 1: we want you to hold yourself accountable whatever it might be,
Speaker 1: try to hold them accountable. And then at some point
Speaker 1: it's like, okay, let me decide how I'm going to
Speaker 1: engage with this person and let let me move on,
Speaker 1: because like what's the point of continue, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean, It's just like okay, yeah, pile on. Yeah.
Speaker 1: So it's like accountability matters, boundaries matter. So me determining
Speaker 1: how I'm going to interact with this content on this
Speaker 1: person based on how they showed up we were talking.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna talk about what we talked about in the
Speaker 1: last after show. That guy. Oh yeah, man, no names,
Speaker 1: but lady if you know you know. So, there was
Speaker 1: a man on social media, right, he was people say
Speaker 1: he was pandering to black women, right, and he was
Speaker 1: creating a lot of content that a lot of black
Speaker 1: women were appreciating, and allegedly they were saying that he
Speaker 1: was I don't know if it was mentoring or advising
Speaker 1: women behind the scenes and like leaving their relationships. But
Speaker 1: then he getting there trying to sleep with them, and
Speaker 1: he's cheating on his wife and doing all these things right,
Speaker 1: And so when all this came to the public, it
Speaker 1: was I mean one the jokes, I mean they was
Speaker 1: going in on the different memes and the skits and
Speaker 1: all of that pulled his whole family into it. All
Speaker 1: that right, and it's like, okay, yeah, we should state,
Speaker 1: we should hold people accountable and state like, hey, what
Speaker 1: you were doing, that's not right, you were misleading people,
Speaker 1: blah blah whatever, and then okay, move on, don't if
Speaker 1: you not right him. I'm not going to buy his products.
Speaker 1: I'm not going to support him, but I'm also not
Speaker 1: going to take time out of my life right to
Speaker 1: everyday comment on a post and say how dumb years
Speaker 1: or how much I don't like him, like what is
Speaker 1: what are we doing now? What is my life? Exactly?
Speaker 1: So I think there has to be that balance because
Speaker 1: people will go in I'll be like, oh, feel bad.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think you know the other thing too
Speaker 2: with that is you know there are people currently online
Speaker 2: that like the Internet is coming form and on one hand,
Speaker 2: they need to be held accountable. Right, but at what point?
Speaker 2: Then this is part of what we wrestle with, right
Speaker 2: as we are engaging with people, at what point do
Speaker 2: we have empathy when the person is coming back, like
Speaker 2: when the person is one not taking accountability and actually
Speaker 2: like doubling down on the problematic behavior and then responding
Speaker 2: with aggressiveness. Right, So I think then the question becomes, Okay, well,
Speaker 2: at what point do we have empathy for this person
Speaker 2: if that's their response when they're being held accountable for
Speaker 2: their behavior.
Speaker 1: That's a good question. I also think that depending on
Speaker 1: what field you know people are in, like the accountability
Speaker 1: is it's extremely important, right, Like I'm thinking, if you're agreed,
Speaker 1: if you are a if you are a surgeon, Like
Speaker 1: you're masquerating around like a surgeon and you're trying to
Speaker 1: do work on someone's body and you're trying to do surgery, right,
Speaker 1: and you're lying about that people need it. The young
Speaker 1: in Florida, Yes, I can't remember all the details, but
Speaker 1: I know the picture of him is like a picture
Speaker 1: of him and posing like this, and it's like, okay,
Speaker 1: you are literally putting people in harm's way. This is
Speaker 1: this should be a live service announcement. Lives at risk,
Speaker 1: there should be a public service announcement. Everyone needs to
Speaker 1: be aware of this to inform the public right, right, and.
Speaker 2: Not in a humiliating not to humiliate the person who's
Speaker 2: impersonating a doctor by the way, that is and that
Speaker 2: is illegal, like not to not to humiliate them, yeah,
Speaker 2: but to protect the public.
Speaker 1: To protect the public. At the same time, the question
Speaker 1: is like this public shame does it really create transformation? Right,
Speaker 1: because some people people are going to be who they're
Speaker 1: going to be. So for the instance that you were
Speaker 1: talking about dom, if someone takes accountability and like, you
Speaker 1: know what, I messed up, it's easier to be like,
Speaker 1: you know what, I'll fuck with you. Like you admitted
Speaker 1: you were wrong what you did. You was on some bullshit,
Speaker 1: but I forgive you. Like you're taking accountability. I respect that,
Speaker 1: like it puts meins exactly. We can rebuild the trust.
Speaker 1: But when you, like you said, when someone's doubling down again, y'all,
Speaker 1: we're not trying to be messy and dramatic, but like,
Speaker 1: we all see what's happening in the world around this time,
Speaker 1: so it's like, Okay, let's have a conversation about it
Speaker 1: in an at tactful way. And it's like if someone
Speaker 1: is doubling down and they're being nasty and they're showed
Speaker 1: up in this way, I think that that gives us
Speaker 1: an opportunity to say, Okay, how do I want to
Speaker 1: engage with this brand with this person based on that?
Speaker 1: Do I want to block them so I don't see
Speaker 1: this shit anymore? Do I want to make sure that
Speaker 1: I'm not buying any of their product services? And if
Speaker 1: I have someone in my life who's like, oh, I'm
Speaker 1: thinking about doing this or working with this person, maybe
Speaker 1: I just have a conversation like you know what, you
Speaker 1: know this happened, do your research again. That doesn't mean
Speaker 1: I'm going online where you're posting everything sharing, because the
Speaker 1: message got out there, like people know what had happened,
Speaker 1: and now it's like, Okay, what's next. So there's other
Speaker 1: things in the world that we can spend our time
Speaker 1: and energy on that are probably more productive now that
Speaker 1: the world knows. Right, If that makes sense, I.
Speaker 2: Hate exactly exactly, and so I think that takes us
Speaker 2: to the next phase, right, is the reconciliation and forgiveness peace.
Speaker 2: Right now, the question is do we forgive? And I
Speaker 2: think it depends on the scenario. So to that example
Speaker 2: that we just brought up, If you aren't admitting, you
Speaker 2: aren't taking accountability, right, yeah, am I gonna forgive you.
Speaker 2: I may be able to forgive you, but I'm not
Speaker 2: supporting you anymore. Yeah, I'm not like you said, like
Speaker 2: you noted before, I'm probably gonna block all of your content,
Speaker 2: like I'm gonna not follow you, like I'm not taking
Speaker 2: in your content anymore. And if someone brings your name up,
Speaker 2: I probably will let them know, Hey, I don't think
Speaker 2: this person is trustworthy. I don't know if you necessarily
Speaker 2: you might want to do some more research before you
Speaker 2: decide to support them. Yeah, because I'm also big on
Speaker 2: people making decisions for themselves.
Speaker 1: For sure.
Speaker 2: You ask me my opinion, I'm going to give it. Yeah,
Speaker 2: but I'm also going to advocate for you to research
Speaker 2: for yourself.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, No, I think that's a good point. And
Speaker 1: I feel like in situations like that, we're going back
Speaker 1: to the trustworthiness. If someone if you can't be held
Speaker 1: accountable and you're not able to admit when you are wrong.
Speaker 1: It just kind of question. It makes you question other
Speaker 1: aspects of your life, how you're showing up, what you're
Speaker 1: advising people you know, and so yeah, it's it's definitely
Speaker 1: a lot to consider, right, So yeah, I don't ask
Speaker 1: the questions.
Speaker 2: But I think also that that work in this examp.
Speaker 2: But we're talking about somebody that we see.
Speaker 1: On online, right, yeah?
Speaker 2: Yeah, but what do we do if it's someone that
Speaker 2: we know in real life, right, that we interact with
Speaker 2: on a day to day basis, or maybe not day
Speaker 2: to day basis, but this is a person that we
Speaker 2: interact with in real life.
Speaker 1: And taking accountability? Is that right?
Speaker 2: They're yeah, they aren't taking accountability. They're doubling down, they're
Speaker 2: not seeing where or they're refusing to acknowledge where the
Speaker 2: impact of their actions. What do we do?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't know. What do you have something in mind?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 1: What would you like if someone I guess it's situational.
Speaker 1: It depends on how serious the thing is. But honestly,
Speaker 1: just as you were stating that, I'm like, I don't
Speaker 1: really want to be full on with somebody who Like,
Speaker 1: that's a big relational turnoff to me, Like you can't, Yeah,
Speaker 1: you can't just admit that and you know, we all
Speaker 1: know we know you is wrong. You can't admit that
Speaker 1: like ow.
Speaker 2: Wow, yeah, Like like I get that. Maybe okay, at
Speaker 2: first you might be taken aback and you might not
Speaker 2: take accountability initially in that moment, right, But at some point,
Speaker 2: if this is a like if this is a relationship
Speaker 2: that you have with someone that is important to you,
Speaker 2: at some point you can pause. You can you can
Speaker 2: circle back and revisit and say, you know what, my bad.
Speaker 2: If you struggle with saying the words i'm sorry, I mean,
Speaker 2: that's something to work on. But if you if you're
Speaker 2: aware that you did fuck up, like now you're like
Speaker 2: the person pointed it out to you, you initially was
Speaker 2: like nah, you said with it, and now you're aware
Speaker 2: that oh.
Speaker 1: Wait, yeah I did. Oh shit.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's okay to circle back and say, you know what,
Speaker 2: my bad. That was kind of fucked up on my part.
Speaker 2: And I think I have more space for the person
Speaker 2: who's willing to circle back. Yeah, because to me, that
Speaker 2: says that you're that you're open to growing. Yeah, for sure,
Speaker 2: that initially you might not have it, really might. You
Speaker 2: might have missed it. But if you're able to circle
Speaker 2: back and say, you know what, you were right, I
Speaker 2: did mess up, I'm willing to work. I'm willing to
Speaker 2: work with that person.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that makes sense. These are such tricky scenarios. I'm
Speaker 1: thinking about situations too. You ever have a situation where
Speaker 1: you both just honestly see different like you just see
Speaker 1: it differently, and man, they don't think they made a mistake, right,
Speaker 1: So I'm thinking about instances where like we know that
Speaker 1: like you was wrong, your ass is wrong, and so
Speaker 1: thinking about that when it comes to the forgiveness aspect,
Speaker 1: it's also important for us to remember that forgiveness and
Speaker 1: access are not the same thing. Right, you can forgive
Speaker 1: and then still set boundaries because if someone is going
Speaker 1: to show up in that way, it's just it's a
Speaker 1: red flag in my opinion, like if you can't take
Speaker 1: accountability or admit that you were wrong, especially if you're
Speaker 1: wrong someone that's close to you, and you know, we're
Speaker 1: not talking about the parasocial relationships here, but it's like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm going to set a boundaries, so maybe I'm not
Speaker 1: going to do a certain activity with you or or
Speaker 1: share certain things with you. Now, I don't know why
Speaker 1: I was thinking about a Monopoly game, probably because we
Speaker 1: talked about it recently. I was talking about Monopoly, and
Speaker 1: all right, let's say you're playing with your friend or
Speaker 1: you're you know, you're with the homies, and you play
Speaker 1: Monopoly and the somebody's cheating in the game, and you
Speaker 1: know what, they cheating and they keep lying saying they're
Speaker 1: not cheating. It's like, bro, Like that's annoying, Like why
Speaker 1: are you doing this? So it's like not that the
Speaker 1: friendship is going to end, but like maybe I'm just
Speaker 1: like my boundaries. I'm not playing Monopoly with Joe as
Speaker 1: no more. You know what I mean? Exactly, We're not
Speaker 1: doing that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly. Like that means that I cannot trust you
Speaker 2: in the Monopoly game, right, And so then that brings
Speaker 2: up another point, right, that they're there may be trust
Speaker 2: is also can be a nuanced piece, and that there
Speaker 2: may be situations in general I trust you, right, but
Speaker 2: there may be certain situations in which I can't trust you.
Speaker 2: That doesn't mean that I don't that I'm gonna not
Speaker 2: be your friend, not be in your life at all
Speaker 2: because I can trust you in general. Yeah, so the
Speaker 2: Monopoly game. To me, monopoly game is a low stakes
Speaker 2: thing that I can't trust you to play Monopoly without
Speaker 2: cheating because maybe that's how you grew up as a kid.
Speaker 2: That was a thing that y'all did. Whatever, there may
Speaker 2: be some context behind it, right, Okay, Yeah, but if
Speaker 2: I can trust you, if you have demonstrated that I
Speaker 2: can trust you in larger things, then all right, we're
Speaker 2: just not gonna play Monopoly together anymore.
Speaker 1: What's high stakes for you? Don bre something we'd be like,
Speaker 1: all right, this shit right here? You bugging like?
Speaker 2: So for me, high stakes is more emotional, emotionally vulnerable things,
Speaker 2: right if I had a kid or yeah, so emotionally
Speaker 2: vulnerable things and then other risks where other people's lives
Speaker 2: are involved. If I had a kid and I needed you,
Speaker 2: I generally trusted you to watch my kid. I'm gonna
Speaker 2: be sure to tell you you're not teaching my child
Speaker 2: how to play monopoly, but in general, I trust you
Speaker 2: to babysit my kid. Like you're one of the trusted
Speaker 2: people in my kid's life. Yeah, Like, if you mess
Speaker 2: that up, if you do something, then that makes me say,
Speaker 2: I can't trust you to watch my child. That's higher
Speaker 2: risk to me, Like, if I can't trust you to
Speaker 2: watch my child, then chances are you're not gonna be
Speaker 2: in my life anyway, right, that's higher risk.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that makes sense. I was thinking of like financial
Speaker 1: things or like some about that. Like if you're a
Speaker 1: friend and you're like, oh, I want I gave you
Speaker 1: some bread, you went to the store, you spend money
Speaker 1: on something, and then you're like, oh, this is the change,
Speaker 1: and like you know, it's just things like that where
Speaker 1: it's like this is a this is this is a
Speaker 1: little bit more high risk. So no, that that's good.
Speaker 1: And I think, like we said before, mistakes are normally
Speaker 1: we all make mistakes, right, and some mistakes revealed humanity,
Speaker 1: whereas others reveal patterns. And I think the biggest point
Speaker 1: of our conversation here is like look at the patterns.
Speaker 1: Look for the patterns in your in your life and
Speaker 1: your real life, but also in the parasocial relationships. When
Speaker 1: you start to see someone act a certain way or
Speaker 1: show up a certain way, or they're showcasing values or
Speaker 1: perspectives that maybe don't resonate with you, it's like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I need to question my my interactions with this right so.
Speaker 2: And I think it's important too, particularly around these parasocial relationships.
Speaker 2: Because of the age of social media, people tend to
Speaker 2: be it seems to be more visible. We all have
Speaker 2: access to how people are responding to their parasocial relationships.
Speaker 2: Right Like, you know, pre social media, if your favorite
Speaker 2: celebrity was doing something that you didn't like, how were
Speaker 2: you supposed to let them know? Yeah, maybe you didn't
Speaker 2: watch their movie anymore, maybe you stop buying their music.
Speaker 2: But now, if your favorite celebrity is doing something you
Speaker 2: don't like, you know, Twitter fingers, We're on their social
Speaker 2: media page leaving nasty comments and so. And because if
Speaker 2: you had this relationship para social relationship with your favorite
Speaker 2: content creator or celebrity, because of the social media connection
Speaker 2: connections and the amount of content that people put out there,
Speaker 2: you may feel that emotional connection may feel more intense
Speaker 2: because it feels like a deeper connection versus again, pre
Speaker 2: social media, we got a few glimpses into people's lives
Speaker 2: here and there, like they did you know, Evan or
Speaker 2: Essence would do an interview and you get this full
Speaker 2: this full spread on behind the scenes of this person's life,
Speaker 2: the curator for the magazine behind the scenes of this
Speaker 2: person's life. Okay, and now on social media they get
Speaker 2: to the person, the artist gets to curate in real
Speaker 2: time what they want you to see. And if they're
Speaker 2: doing something that you don't like, now all of a sudden, again,
Speaker 2: like I said, you get to be you get to
Speaker 2: be in their comments section, right, and then it could
Speaker 2: be going back to what we said about cancel culture.
Speaker 2: If enough people don't like what they see, then everybody
Speaker 2: is taking it personal. And now this person, this artist
Speaker 2: may end up being canceled for something that sometimes is
Speaker 2: not a huge risk.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a good point. And so people should have
Speaker 1: room to grow, right, And we talked about accountability. Sometimes
Speaker 1: accountability requires a bit of education. People should have room
Speaker 1: to grow and evolve publicly, and we should allow people
Speaker 1: to transform. So sometimes you may have to stop, you know,
Speaker 1: following someone and they may check up on them because
Speaker 1: they're like they might used to like that person's kind
Speaker 1: of let me see what they up to, let me
Speaker 1: see what they want. Have they grown because we grow?
Speaker 2: Girl?
Speaker 1: We how's this podcast? Yes, we've been this podcast for
Speaker 1: seven it's about to hit eight years in July or
Speaker 1: in July, and we are not the same people we
Speaker 1: were when we first started the show, you know. And
Speaker 1: so it's like giving people room to grow and remembering
Speaker 1: that your name carries energy before you into a room,
Speaker 1: and eventually who you are will matter more than how
Speaker 1: impressive you looked online or even just from the outside
Speaker 1: right like I'm seeing you superficially.
Speaker 2: Yes, And reputation can change, like we said before, reputation
Speaker 2: can change, but character is the thing that's generally constant
Speaker 2: in us.
Speaker 1: That's right. Okay, thank you for tuning in, lady. We
Speaker 1: appreciate you, and we want to let you know that
Speaker 1: we are on YouTube now, so head on over to
Speaker 1: YouTube Herspace podcast and if you want to visit our
Speaker 1: patreon and support us, you can visit her Space podcast
Speaker 1: dot com click anywhere you see Patreon. If you're on YouTube, Hey,
Speaker 1: comment below you appreciated this video. Let us know your perspective,
Speaker 1: and we hope you've got some value out of this conversation.
Speaker 1: And we hope that we talked about this in a
Speaker 1: way that was like tactful and we got to the
Speaker 1: meat of it without feeding into all the hoop law
Speaker 1: that we see in the social sphere. Okay, yeah, we're
Speaker 1: not with the drama. If you want more speaking engagements, collaborations,
Speaker 1: or visibility for your brand, I got to tell you
Speaker 1: the truth. This is Terry Lomax and I've been a
Speaker 1: public speaker for over twelve years. I've lended national media,
Speaker 1: a TED Talk, and six figure collaborations without a publicist
Speaker 1: or a big social media following. And here's what most
Speaker 1: people don't hear. You don't need a publicist or a
Speaker 1: massive audience to get booked. Most people are waiting to
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Speaker 1: How many times have you looked up and seeing people
Speaker 1: with less experience getting opportunities you were fully qualified for.
Speaker 1: Here's the truth. Opportunities don't go to the most qualified.
Speaker 1: They go to the people who can clearly communicate their value.
Speaker 1: Once I learned how to organize my story and position
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Speaker 1: my exact pitch emails, word for word, my winning subject lines,
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Speaker 1: in our show notes.
Speaker 2: Thanks for tuning into Cultivating her Space. Remember that while
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